#455 - Badly Well, Warm Panic and A Defence of Yodelling

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Hello everyone and welcome to the Ellis James and John Robbins podcasts.

Ellis, what have you been up to?

Oh well I've just come back from Switzerland.

Yes and Dave's back from where Dave?

Mallorca.

Yes, we're all back from our travels.

Yeah.

I mean I've I've been to Milton Keynes and Cambridge.

Yes to do gigs.

Yes the two spiritual hubs of the UK really.

Stables?

Just a bit.

Oh in Milton Keynes and where were you in Cambridge?

Junction?

No, a big tent.

A big tent?

A big tent in Cambridge.

Yes, um, so, Dave, you won't be aware of this, but while you're away, Ellis and I saw opportunities for savings

on the show by sacking you and, unfortunately, Zoff, who's also back,

because we were able to run on a skeleton staff here, creating what many people have said is the best content in a decade.

Are they?

Yeah.

Certainly the most cost-efficient.

So why am I here then?

No one.

Well, this is a very good question.

Because we're sucking you live.

Oh,

nice.

Because what John and I really love is authenticity.

Yeah,

listeners love it.

And they love authentic, honest reactions.

So Dave, thank you for your service 2014 to present.

But I'm afraid last week went very well without you.

And without you, Zoff as well, sorry.

And Bertie, he's gone.

Izzy?

Wasn't even there?

She wasn't even there.

She could foresee her sacking.

Distant memory at this stage, Izzy.

Yes, poor old Izzy.

I'm talking about obviously Izzy, who works on the show, not Izzy, my wife.

Yes.

Which confuses a lot of people.

I haven't sacked my wife.

No.

No.

She's the person sacking you.

And your wife isn't responsible for filming you at home and putting clips on social media.

No, no, no.

Although a lot of people think she is.

Yeah.

A lot of people.

One person said, oh, I think it's so lovely that Izzy loves you so much, she comes to the show and laughs at your jokes.

I was like, what?

Yeah, they actually thought the Izzy every week.

Well, this is

where I think our friends over at the other side of the studio, help I sexted my boss, have outmaneuvered us a touch.

Yeah.

Because they were smart enough.

And they've not even got another Izzy for this Izzy to be confused with, but they call this Izzy Vizzy Izzy.

Yeah.

Because she's the visual Isabel.

And Gen Zizzy?

Nope, just Vizzy Izzy.

But if we had gone for that, that would have immediately just separated the two and made it easy to do.

Look me in the eye and tell me I'm the sort of person that would use the phrase busy Izzy without being sick into my mouth.

I think it sounds quite good, actually.

Well, why don't you go and work on Help I Sexted My Boss as a fluffer or whatever it is they do?

They like pornographic novels, I think.

You could be in charge of wet wipes.

Oh,

pornographic podcasts are quite big though, Dave.

Are they?

Are they?

Well, Help I Sexted My Porno book.

No, what which one are we talking about?

My dad's wrong porno.

But that's a humour.

I mean, I've long thought there is a gap in the market for erotic audio podcasting.

Okay.

You know,

the sex hour or whatever it is.

What would the former be?

Velvet and Chains with John Robbins.

What would the former be?

I'm not a fan of that.

That's just erotic audio.

But what's the...

Welcome to Velvet and Chains with John Robbins.

What was the one that you thought up a couple of months ago?

John and a Hundred Sexy Women or something?

A history of nudity with John Robbins' history of nudity with a hundred sexy ladies, a thousand sexy ladies.

Oh, a thousand

wasn't enough.

No, but you imagine you download the podcast, it's midnight, you've put the kids to bed, you've had your lasagna, you've got a deep bath, yeah, and you put it on.

Welcome.

Oh, yeah, and then it's sort of a different scenario each week.

So, turn the big light off.

Yes,

Gary had finished brushing the horse in the stables and he was sweaty on his arms

oh so it's actually erotic fiction but you're reading it out the lady mistress came over from top house okay and also had sweat on her arms a bit what's going on with everyone's arms

so it's not like that of the stables it's not like that chapter we wrote of the holy bible where we just sat with um addictaphone and riffed about intimate massage and then someone transcribed

it's not like that but that is unique in all of publishing yours sounds like archer's lights yeah archer's nights archer's nights yeah or like um hollyoaks triple x yeah whatever it was but audio uh so you know the lady mistress of top house had been riding her steed all day steed and she was

sweaty

arms

But not the armpits.

But not the armpits.

She wore, and then you would name deodorant.

Because it's commercialized.

They're a commercial partner.

Because her armpits are 72-hour protection.

Yeah, because she wore mum deodorant.

And then Gary, who works in the stables,

has sex with her.

Yeah, yeah.

Gary's a sexy name.

We'll tell that to Gary Pallister.

Palister.

Palister.

Or Gary...

Who's the radio Gary from the 80s?

Davis.

Gary Davis.

Whose jingle was, ooh, Gary Davis.

Was it really?

Anyway, we're going to talk about your holes later because you've been to Switzerland.

But Dave, what happened in Malaga?

Mallorca.

We don't care what happened in Mallorca.

What's going on in Malaga?

Well, first of all, I would say, turns out, I think Magaluf gets a bad rep.

Why?

Because that was nine minutes away in the car.

Oh, okay.

So we went there to get a boat.

Yeah.

And we got an STD.

No.

And And at 11 a.m.

in the morning, we were expecting, you know, people lying on the ground and

condoms in the trees and all sorts.

Actually, it's just quite a nice harbour town.

And it's, you know, there are a few bars, of course.

Were you there off

season for sort of Magaluf vibes?

No, I'd say it's pretty much bang on season.

So every old university students, I think, are pretty much done.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we kind of all got there and thought, Magaluf, you know what?

I mean, we didn't go there at night.

So maybe there was a little bit more going on at night.

But in the daytime, I'm going to stick up for it and say we've got a lovely boat ride up out into the harbour with Sol and Kiara.

And we had a lovely afternoon of it.

Sol and Kiara.

Sol ran the boat.

Kiara was his deck assistant.

Sounds like a fizzy drink.

And we had a lovely time.

But no matter where we went in the evening, there was no avoiding.

We just felt incredibly old the whole time.

Even in the resorts around Magalough, because we thought if you you go 20 minutes away, that's not where the kids are going to be.

That's where the 40-year-old 14 dads are going to be.

Dave,

why not go somewhere a bit different than never been there, so it's different for us?

You've been there.

You can't argue with that.

He's never been there.

You know the vibe, don't you?

Yeah, we do.

But there are other places to go with beaches and

beautiful scenery.

The hard

like raving.

Yeah, we didn't rave.

There was one silent disco on the Saturday night.

I you.

See you doing karaoke on a video.

Do you want to tell me?

An empty room?

Not an empty room.

No, it made me feel sad and a bit in pain.

No, no, it's good stuff.

Where would you go?

14 dads in the early 40s.

Where would you go for a laugh?

14 dads.

Yeah.

If you were organising Dave's holiday, 14 dads.

Oh, I thought you went with Hannah.

No, it's a lad's lads laugh.

Lad's lads, lads, laughs.

Of course you're going to Magalu.

I was going there with Hannah, John.

I thought you'd gone there with Hannah, but you were away for two weeks.

No, I was there for three days.

Hang on, what's happening here?

You went away for like two weeks.

No, I'm going away for two weeks.

Oh, my, you're sacked again.

No, I'm only away for one more show.

And we did try and organise a pre-region.

Anyway, that's not important.

Magga, not Magga, Mayorca was with 14 dads who were all

very happy to be away.

All

fitting into place.

Yeah, that's good stuff.

That's good stuff.

Did you go out and get absolutely lashed?

Did you look at pictures of your kids and cry because you'd had had eight pints

i was

devoid of serotonin until i'd say last night what do you mean by that i mean i had such i had such fun across the three days oh right that i felt so flat and so sad for the next five oh that's good which is good which is great because it just shows

nice for hannah and the kids who who did have quite a bad sickness bug at the beginning of the week so i wasn't much use but Mallorca was fun.

The karaoke, I've never been a karaoke guy.

Guess who's a karaoke karaoke guy now?

Yeah,

this happened to me at Christmas.

I'd not been a karaoke guy for 44 years, and then suddenly I was like, I'm actually born to do it.

The video looks like Dave singing karaoke in an empty conference hall.

No, Hannah said that as well.

No, look.

Oh, it happens to be.

That's because we're at the stage.

If you were zooming in on Liam Gallagher at Heaton Park, you'd say it's empty at the moment.

But it wasn't full.

Yeah, there's no one else there.

But it wasn't full.

But no,

there was a room full of, I'd say, 45 to 52, mainly kind of 60 to 75-year-old people couples.

Yeah.

And it wasn't meant to be karaoke nights.

I said Wonder Wall.

It was 75-year-old couples.

Yeah.

And I started by saying, oasis fives in the area.

So

there were moments where I got a bit carried away.

away, but just on the karaoke very quickly, then what was nice was we were all stood at the side of the stage, we were fairly well behaved across the trip, we were energetic, but I think we were seen as the charming, cheeky chappies.

You know how in old people's homes around sort of Remembrance Sunday, they might get a singer dressed up as Vira Lynn to sing songs from the Second World War.

Yeah.

When we're in old people's homes, it would be

people singing Want to World, going Oasis vibes in the area.

But what was nice was, and then John,

I'd say 65,

he got up to sing Snow Patrols Chasing Cars.

And he was nervous, bless him.

Oh, he's not part of your gang.

No, no, he just got up

after our belting version of Oasis was right.

Why do it?

Well, I just thought, you know, he thought, I'm on holiday.

His wife was in the crowd.

Maybe that's, maybe that was their first dance.

Who knows?

Oh, that's very sweet.

But then what was nice was as the 14 lads, we belted it back to him

and we made his night.

You could tell.

And his wife got up for the last 30 seconds and put her arm around him.

I can't bear it.

They both sang Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol together as 14, 40-year-old dads were belting it back to them.

Karaoke brings people together.

Yeah, we're making moments, Dave.

We're making men's.

Why don't they prescribe karaoke on the NHS?

Can you imagine?

Going to your GP with a rash and a GP saying,

I think you need to do some snow patrol.

And then I jumped off the boat in my sunglasses and they fell off.

So

I was really annoyed by that for a good, I'd say, 48 hours after that.

I lost my sunglasses.

Why weren't you wearing goggles like a good boy?

I forgot they were on my face, John.

I got excited.

Did I

jump off the boat?

And you're going to see Oasis on Sunday.

Oasis on Sunday.

It's a good summer.

It's a big, busy summer.

Oasis on Sunday, if it's on, because there are rumours that there's going to be so much flooding over the next 48 hours that by Sunday it might be unsafe.

Untenable.

I don't think it'll get that.

I mean, Manchester is used to rain.

Yeah.

And what a bucket hat's for.

What a bucket hat's for.

Not to protect you from rain.

Yeah.

I've designed my own flag for it.

What do you mean?

Like a new national flag?

No.

Dave, Dave Land welcomes Oasis.

Do you want to see my flag, John?

Sort of.

I've seen the flag.

What?

We've discussed Dave's flag design.

Are you like that mad chap who sailed out to that sort of oil rig and declared it a country?

You got your own stamps and coins as well.

No, I just got excited a couple of weekends ago when they turned up on stage at Cardiff.

Yeah.

And as we've been through, Liam comes on stage and says, Oasis vibes in the area.

and sometimes if whatever cities and he'll go Cardiff vibes in the area so I've got a flag design that says oasis vibes in the area on it

that's classy it's a good flag

that's really classy so if anyone sees Dave get 200 of them printed whack them out on the pavement outside 20 quid a pot oh my god honestly yeah because no one's jumped on the quote yet for merch because it's so recent it's a reactive merch i've got to describe this to you.

It's a, I'm going to say three and a half foot by two and a half foot.

Five foot by three foot.

Wow, a five foot by three foot sort of see-through black flag with Oasis in the official font, which you haven't had licensed, and

vibes in the area underneath with the

Dave.

It's good merch.

You've got to start making them.

It's too late now because it's Sunday when the gig is.

And then I don't know if people will want them afterwards.

Dave,

you could make an absolute fortune with that, yeah.

So I'm taking my flag anyway.

Good time.

Are you taking it on a flagpole?

No, I'm gonna just drape it, I think.

Oh, right, Freddy Mercury, yeah, yeah, not like Graeme Sunes when he was manager of Colossal's riot.

When he put the flagpole in the middle of the pitch and caused the riot, it was good stuff.

Well, I think we should read some correspondence.

This really made me laugh.

Shamai, my dippy egg, and brave little soldiers.

Dave is the egg, if you're wondering.

Speaking of eggs, today I was listening to EP 452.

Here lies the Volkswagen barrel of eggs.

As my journey with you, Taste Little Omelets has progressed, I've always chuckled at Ellis's tales of peril with the motor and reminisced about my own S-box.

My last car before I got a real-life adult job that provided me with one was a clapped-out Audi that had 240,000 miles on the clock at day of rest and didn't reverse for the last six months of ownership.

There is a mad dad story behind that, but that's for another day.

Now for the barrel of eggs.

You can all imagine my joy when this year my company agreed to organise me to upgrade from my first company, one litre run around, to a 25 plate golf with all the bells and whistles that every boy racer or girl in my case needs.

I was in love.

The sheer arrogance of being able to go from naught to sempti in what feels like three seconds gave me such a thrill.

A month into our petrol partnership, I decided to run a charity breakfast at my rowing club.

We overbought all ingredients to make sure all the hungry bellies were fed and were left with over a pint of whisked eggs, amongst other things.

So I, for some unbeknownst reason, placed the bowl in the footwell of my car to transport home.

It wasn't until my boyfriend jumped into the car and double-barrelled the bowl that I realise what a new car meant to me and our relationship, which was now left hanging by a thread.

What ensued next was the smelliest and most testing period of our lives.

Despite cleaning the carpet thoroughly immediately, what we did not realise was that the egg had travelled travelled via the heated seat cable hole.

Well, this is a kind of, we should have said this before reading this, but this is a kind of a crossover between listeners' barrels of eggs and the paint spill on the passenger seat.

Yes, because I spilled five litres, well, Izzy did, spilled five litres of paint into our foot.

Well, a few months ago.

So, what's on?

So the eggs got into the heating pipes?

It's got underneath the seat via the cable because it heats the seat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So what we did not realise was that the egg had travelled via the heated seat cable hole.

There it sat beneath the floor, festering over a week of long journeys between Cambridge and Southampton in 25 degree heat.

My boyfriend spent the next weekend gutting the car, trying to find the awful smell, which we actually believed was a dead animal by this point.

Oh my god.

He found it in the form of a half-baked omelet

and some orange gunge.

All this was trying to win me over again with flowers, food, and the occasional well-you wrote my last car off thrown into the mix.

The car is now smell-free, but it has shown me that no car is ever safe from its own barrel of eggs journey.

Very happy it's a golf too.

Eggy boyfriend is also Welsh, if you were wondering, and keen to come reconnect in the future.

Oh, my love, Poppy.

You don't want to cook an omelette in your car over the course of a week.

Absolutely not.

It's no good.

Oh, my gosh.

There's it's just

smells bad, smells are bad.

Yeah.

And you don't want them in an enclosed space.

I'm very sensitive to smells.

Yeah, Hannah.

Sometimes I walk past, I run on my run.

I have to go under a subway which has a bit of a river in, and sometimes it smells a bit dank and it makes me gag while I'm running, Dave.

Run faster.

Yes.

That's a good reason to run faster.

I quite...

It winds Hannah up when I say this because I say it'll run out of smell eventually.

Not true.

It's not true.

No.

But when they're like, so again,

it was a bit of a sickness.

You're like Joey protecting your sandwich from people smelling it because they'll use up all of their favourite.

So there's a bit of sickness in the house on Monday and Tuesday.

The smell of sick is horrible

and pungent and it lingers.

But I say to Hannah, it'll just run out of smell eventually.

No.

But it doesn't.

It actually changes and progresses, it develops.

That's the issue.

Yeah.

We've had a couple of emails,

well, predicting the death of the wallet

or espousing the benefits of the wallet because we were talking about wallets.

Yeah.

I was talking about the fact that my wallet has slipped out of the power four,

which is keys, wallet, phone, vape, which is my constant checking mechanism.

But because I've now put some cards on my phone, sometimes I can leave the house without the wallet.

It's thrown everything into disarray.

This is from Dom.

Hello, my dream slip cordon.

Love that.

Love that.

What does that?

I don't know what that means.

It means we're Dom's dream slip cordon in a cricket match.

Ah, I didn't know what it was.

What's a slip cordon?

It's the slips.

So, you know, by the wicket keeper.

It's often three fielders.

Oh, or four.

Or five.

Yeah, so they clip the ball.

It just goes wide of Johnny's Bearstow's hand.

Johnny's Bear Stowe's hand, yeah.

Johnny's Bearstow's hand.

And they're the cordons.

Yes.

No, not the Cordens.

We're not talking about three James Cordens on a cricket pitch.

That would be untenable.

Yeah, it's the slip cordons.

So I'm going to be first slip.

Yeah.

Dave's second slip.

Ellis's third slip.

Great.

Yeah, I wouldn't want to be.

I don't really want to be in the slip.

Zoff is a fly slip.

And we've got Michael at Gully.

And they're all just

behind the batter.

What about the rest of the field?

Well, there's more than that many fielders.

You should watch footage of West Indies in the 70s and 80s, like six or seven slips but you've got to trust your bowler i suppose to know how to bowl

yes you don't want to be bowling on the leg side when you've got seven slips wow god a lot goes into cricket

test match against india was outrageous someone must have been so good someone must have done a phd in like cricket tactics yes of course hundreds of people would well i'd love to read all of them

anyway hello my dream little slip cordon john talked about the death of the wallet and denied it, but it's going, going, soon to be gone.

Yeah, I agree.

Where are my cards, debit and joint?

They're on my phone.

Where are my tickets?

Unfortunately, on my phone.

Where's my driver's license?

Behind the phone in the see-through case.

Loyalty cards, if I had any, in the phone case.

On an app.

On an app.

And this is where Dom strikes what could be a killer blow.

The wallet is just a bin in your pockets.

Yeah.

Love that.

Oh

my

lord.

Dom, I'd never seen it like this.

I'm going to assess whether I think it's true.

Because in my wallet, I have got fuel receipts, £20,

cards, the problem is...

stamps.

Royalty card.

I went to watch Wales play at the Euros and everything was on my phone, my tickets of the game, etc., etc.

So then if you lose your wallet, you really are a slack alley.

No, not your wallet if you lose your phone you really are well this is this is the problem because uh steve goes on to say i once had um

i once said i would never use apps on my phone and would never use my phone to pay for things i didn't realize how dependent i had become on both of those features until my phone got snatched in camden within minutes of the theft my phone which was unlocked when snatched

had been used to attempt multiple purchases via an online app.

Luckily, they didn't succeed because the app store thought someone who lives in Lampeter buying multiple PS5s at 2.30 a.m.

in London was a bit suspicious.

What's more of a hassle was the two-step verification which I had on many of my accounts all required a code to be sent to my phone.

This is the nightmare.

This is the nightmare.

So Steve's tip is to set up more than one phone number for two-step verification, e.g.

a work phone or a partner's phone.

Steve, what if you don't have a partner?

What if your phone is your work phone?

It's a lot of faff as as well.

I've got a second phone.

It's like when my Twitter got hacked and because I'm...

You espoused all those unthinkable views.

I thought your statement was very well written, if a little suspicious.

You sounded hungover.

Isn't it funny how people's Twitter gets hacked when they're at their most drunk day?

It is actually.

No, when I started.

What were those things that were really expensive for about an hour?

NFTs.

NFTs.

You got big into NFTs for a little while, got you.

I was tweeting about NFTs every 30 seconds throughout the night.

There couldn't have been a subject matter which would have made it more clear for you and your brand that you've been hacked than NFTs.

Because you're not an NFT, you're many things, Ellie.

So many NFTs.

You're not an NFT guy.

But the fact I had two-step verification was a real actually, it was more of a pain to sort it out.

Yeah.

But how did it get hacked if you've got two-step verification?

They're very clever people somehow i don't know um also what if you have too many cards to keep in the back of the phone case and then if you lose your phone you're losing your driver's license no you just have them well i don't know you just have them all in the wallet of your phone i don't have my cards where's your driving license oh that's in my wallet but i don't take that out with me unless i need it what if you get stopped by the police

I'll point at my face and I'll say, haven't you got BBC sounds?

And they'll say, yeah, Why would I know your face?

And I'm a big.

Well, because of that image there.

Well, so you'd load up BBC Sounds if you lived in the UK.

Yeah.

And you would show a photo of your face on the image of this show and say, that's me.

Yeah, no, not him.

That's John.

I'm the one with his eyes closed.

Very good.

We'll read more of your emails later, but now it's time to delve into Ellis's time away and also join our Euros correspondent, Maisie Adam, who's joining us on the line.

Well, I can welcome Maisie, our Euros correspondent, onto the show.

Hello, Maisie.

How are you?

Oh, I'm

I'm badly.

Well, I'm very well, but I'm badly.

Oh, badly.

Sorry.

I think I can guess why, because we're recording this the day after beat Sweden on penalties in the quarterfinals last night, which we'll talk about in a second.

But last week.

Please turn that jingle down.

Yeah, yeah, turn the jingle down.

Now, last week, Mis was very disparaging about Yodeling, saying,

talking about the bed we're using.

And she said, are you still going on with that yodeling?

Come on, guys, come on.

Now, one listener got in touch to defend Yodling.

Yeah.

And it's

the last thing she needs.

It's cultural significance in Switzerland.

And he joins us on the line now.

Hello, Peter.

Hello.

Or I should say salutama.

That's how I'd be greeting you if we were in the German-speaking part of Switzerland.

Righto.

Do you know any Romance, out of curiosity?

I'm afraid not.

There's like, it's a few thousand people that speak Romanche.

This is like the fourth language of Switzerland.

So I, for a long while, lived in a small farming village in the Swiss Alps.

So I was in the Swiss-German part of Switzerland, but the real kind of deep farmer land uh which is where i'm afraid yodeling still very much has a really important part of the culture so i was i must say i was a little bit disappointed to hear the the yodeling based negativity recently well i'm looking at maisie and i can tell head in hands head in hands she's in the perfect frame of mind to defend herself

So Maisie, how do you plead?

It's obviously it's a lovely instrument.

It's um it's really nice that you're in touch with your culture like that.

It's just

maybe not what you want to hear with a head that is pounding like mine.

But listen, big fan of romance.

Peter, could you soothe Maisie with some yodeling, please?

John, you.

I mean, I'm...

I'm not Swiss myself.

I just lived for a long while, so I'm more.

I observe the yodeling.

But I guess, yeah, what I wanted to say was, like, it's something like yodeling, it's kind of fun to laugh about it, but in rural mountain villages, it really does have a really important part of the culture.

Ellis, as well, considering you're a fan of kind of

Welsh male voice choirs, it kind of plays a similar role to that.

So

in the summer, as a farmer, you're up in the mountains with your cows, your friends are far away, so yodeling is kind of a way to kind of let your neighbours know you're still thinking about each other.

And then in the winter, you come down, your cows are all next to each other, you're in the pub, you've had a few drinks, and kind of when last orders is called, you kind of yodel together.

It's kind of almost like an improvised thing.

I think I might have yodeled last night.

Oh, it is.

If you've been in a Swiss pub and had a few pints,

you might not remember it, but you probably did a bit of yodeling.

So it's the Swiss equivalent of the sort of British.

Is that what yodalling plays in a sort of Swiss farming community?

I would say it's more, think more of a Welsh male voice choir.

You've got kind of older male farmers that perhaps aren't so comfortable speaking about their emotions, but kind of singing together.

It's a way of connecting to each other without having to kind of openly vocalise their feelings.

I knew this, which is why I was so bitterly disappointed by Maisie's disparaging comments last week.

Peter,

before you go, I am planning my next eye climbing trip to the Alps.

Yes, I'm afraid there's more bad news here, John.

You didn't invent eye climbing.

Peter.

Oh, hold on.

What's Swiss for you?

No, I am part of a long generation of eye climbers.

I am

great alpinists.

So if you go back to the kind of late 1800s, British tourists start to arrive in Switzerland.

And in towns like Kleine-Scheidegg, the hotels would have viewing galleries with telescopes so you could watch people climbing the mountains.

And in fact, Kleine-Scheidegg, you've got a perfect view of the north face of the Eiger.

There was one incident in 1936 where a man was dangling on his rope for four days with two of his dead companions hanging there.

No one could come to rescue him, but people could kind of perfectly see this man,

I guess, kind of failing at climbing.

So that's why eye climbing is better than real climbing if you're not too confident with your skills.

But Peter, I am planning my next trip, and ideally I want to holiday in the Alps for the rest of my life.

So where should I go in Switzerland for hiking trails across the Alps?

So I'm biased, but I would recommend the small town of Kandesteg, which is where I lived.

You can get there on the train really easily.

There's lots of cable cars to get up, so you don't have to...

You get the cable car up and then you hike down.

So it's a nice, easier way of mountain climbing.

There's beautiful lakes you can swim in.

I do.

Lakes that are cleaner than, yeah, the rivers and lakes in Switzerland are cleaner than swimming pools here in the UK.

Wow.

Not that it's much of a competition, but Lucerne is very nice because it's a city on the side of a lake.

What was the place you said, Peter?

It's called Candesteg.

How do you spell that, please?

K-A-N-D-E-R-S-T-E-G.

Bring them

forever.

Oh, Canderstegg looks absolutely delightful.

You see, Dave.

Oh, my wordy work.

It recently went viral on Instagram, and now it's like Ramo Cablamo with tourists.

I want it to be Ramo Cablamo.

I want it to be

in like September.

September, October.

I'm going to go in.

Dorothy Gold.

I'm just going to sit on Magnet.

Or Magaluth.

Not going to Magaluf, Dave.

Right.

Thank you very much, Dave.

Thank you very much, Peter.

But we've got to chat to Maisie about some incredible scenes.

Maisie.

You remind me of when Wales beat Belgium at Euro 2016 and how I was the morning after.

Yeah.

Because

it...

I punished my body because I was so happy.

I watched the game last night.

I've got to say it, that's the funniest penalty shootout I've ever seen in my life.

Oh my god.

It was like the best and worst penalty shootout I've ever seen.

It was,

yeah,

honestly, I'm so tense just like from

doing that.

Were you in the stadium?

Yeah, yeah.

Can you drink in the stadiums?

Yes, you can.

You can.

Yes, you can.

It's amazing about your life.

So you can't drink in the stadiums at the men's, but you can in the women's.

You can't at

no, yeah, Euro 2016 you could only drink 0% beer in the crowns and in the UK you can't drink in the stands but in the women's game you can do what you want.

So I had a pint when I was because we're nice and sensible with how much we consume.

Exactly.

Getting

for Sweden's goalkeeper folk to take the fifth penalty.

Why was that?

What was she thinking?

No.

That was.

I couldn't believe it.

But is it because I think she wanted the moment?

Yes, I think she wanted to be the person on her face.

it didn't look like she looked terrified.

But is it not because everyone's legs are absolutely shot after extra time?

What used to surprise me about England pencil shootouts in the 90s was that it seemed completely ad hoc.

So managers would go around saying, does anyone fancy it?

And then players would put a coin.

And players would put their hands up or they would keep their hands firmly down.

Whereas now, because obviously England used to lose so many penalty shootouts in the 90s, that's changed.

It's all very, very formalised.

Who's going to take what what and when whereas last night both teams it just seemed to be like all right then i'll take one yeah that's just incredible we should talk about so obviously so sweden were two and a luck weren't they maisie and it yeah it looked it looked like england were down and out oh my god the i think because their first goal was um one minute 30 something it hadn't even got to two minutes yet when they got the first goal yeah And we thought, okay, all right, maybe that's, you know, a bit of nerves.

We'll go again.

And then, like, they just, they were so good sweden and it felt like england couldn't really work them out then they scored again so like at the at halftime it was genuinely quite sort of um not quiet but like nervy really like unsettled um

the the best thing was the reaction for michelle adjuman who's this unreal young player she's only 19 years old and already She has got the hearts of England fans.

The crowd went wild when she was subbed on.

She's such an exciting player.

When she had her Wembley debut, she scored within 41 seconds of being in the pit, being on the pitch.

And again, last night, it was like a masterclass of super subs.

So we had Chloe Kelly come on, who obviously got that unreal assist.

Michelle Adruman got that incredible goal, whilst also having Lucy Bronze, who I think had obviously Hannah Hampton definitely deserved player of the match, largely because she played a good bit of the end bit with a tampon up her her nose.

But Lucy Bronze was everything you want in an experienced England player with that leadership, the way she just aggressively decided to like

tape her own leg far too tight to maintain circulation and then ripped it off to take the penalty.

What a pen.

It was amazing.

It was so good.

Why did, because

I got a lot of time for Lucy Bronze.

Why was she so far down the pecking order order with the pens?

I thought she would have been further up because, wasn't she past the top five?

Like, she might not have even

taken one if we'd just finished in the first five penalties.

It was like nearly midnight by the time she went up to take hers.

It was amazing.

I guess I can only think that we thought with, you know, that Lauren James and Beth Mead would have got theirs, but it was just something in the water last night, in that lovely clear river water.

Something that was

too much nerves for my liking.

Yeah.

Do you think that it will stay in the water for the semis?

No, no.

I think I managed to see Jill Scott briefly yesterday at the game, and

she was like, This is, you know, you need a sort of shaky one like this, but I think they'll then, like how we had that awful game against France, which everybody knew wasn't ideal, and then you go in and do a display like we did against Netherlands or, sorry, Ellis, Wales.

Yeah.

I think we might have to pull one of those out the bag against Italy now.

We haven't talked about England being Wales 6-1.

Maisie, how was that?

Oh, it was absolutely delightful, John.

It was just wonderful.

It was a really good guess.

You took the whole family over to the English.

I saw Ellis, John.

Did you know?

I know Ellis.

Where did you see him?

In Taylors?

No, it was pre-games.

It was pre-game, so he was full of light and optimism.

And yeah, I was seeing 1-1 at the time.

Were you?

He was, and we laughed him out of the pub.

Yeah, I had to leave.

Gales of laughter and yodeling.

Himillians.

And yodeling.

Do you know what?

It was just, I mean, I'm glad I went and it was brilliant being there.

But it was great.

It was a very, very good side.

Something else I did want to bring up, lads, that happened a lot that I wasn't expecting last night was how many times the referee got taken out.

Yeah.

Well, Maisie, thank you so much for joining us.

Maisie is hosting a special fan diary series on the Football Daily podcast throughout the Euros, and you can hear her alongside Susie Ruffle on Big Kick Energy 2 on BBC Sounds.

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It was nice to talk to Peter because I would recommend Lucerne.

We were in Lucerne last week and it was fantastic.

I mean, it's an absolutely beautiful city.

But for the England game, we got the train to the Alps and we took a cable car up a mountain to have lunch.

Now, bearing in mind that Roydva, Snowden, the highest mountain in Wales, is 1,085 metres.

This mountain was 868 meters.

Nice restaurant at the top, but still, you know, it's high.

And we had the cable car, the views were absolutely spectacular.

Had a nice meal.

Got the cable up car back down.

Realised that my daughter had forgotten to jump at the top.

I had to get a cable car back up to the top to get it.

And then another cable car back down.

But it's just, it's good Swiss

stuff.

It's good Swiss human.

Are you sure it's 8,000 meters?

868.

Not 8,000.

I mean, that would be higher than Everest.

Yeah, I think.

Hang on.

You said.

Snowden is 1,085 meters.

This mountain was 868 meters.

Oh, okay.

Sorry.

Yes, yes.

Yeah.

Yes, very good.

It's beautiful, though, isn't it?

It's unreal, Switzerland.

It is unbelievable.

In fact, I took a video from the top of the mountain of everything I could see.

And I had the most scenic we of my life because

there was a window above the urinal.

And I took a nice video, and I think we should actually move the studio to the Alps.

Oh, well,

I'm an Alp apologist, as you know.

You are.

And I shall be going back there very soon.

We've had lots of emails in on tricky/slash traumatic foreign exchange experiences.

A lot of these are great, and I really, really enjoyed them.

Here we go.

This is from Jack from York.

Hello, my Sumptious Sexy Semmeliers of Solace.

After French exchange trips were mentioned on a recent show, I thought I'd share my experiences of my culture swap with a French lad named Julienne.

The home leg of the exchange was classic late 90s fair.

Julien, instantly rebranded as Chewbacca due to being the hairiest teenager any of us had ever seen,

arrived in Yorkshire.

We treated him to the cultural highlights of Harry Ramson's fish and chips and the world-famous Doncaster Dome.

Nothing says welcome to Britain, quite like a tepid swimming pool, a limp tray of chips, and the faint smell of chlorine mixed with deep-fried onions.

Then came the away leg, where we were shipped off to a small town just outside Dijon of cupboard condyment rape.

Highlights included being driven at warp speed by Julian's brother, an amateur rally driver, who treated the concept of brakes as more of a polite suggestion than a requirement.

They were different times.

The nights were the worst.

Being a timid little soldier, I was too scared to leave my room after dark to find the toilet.

I soon became a specialist in shameful nocturnal logistics, quietly urinating into empty water bottles, then smuggling them to the shower each morning under a towel like some covert bodily fluid mule.

Poor little lamb, too scared to go down there in the night, Dave.

All was fine until the penultimate night when the worst happened.

I dropped a completely full bottle of warm panic all over the floor.

Warm panic, warm panic.

If you've ever spilt liquid, you'll know it gains supernatural powers of expansion, covering every available surface.

What followed was a frantic, sweaty midnight clean-up operation using only dirty laundry.

Oh my god.

Once I dried the area as best as I could, it was on to trying to mask what I assumed to be a vile smell by the morning.

I raided the perfumes in the room and brought a whole new meaning to Eau de Toilette.

So, to summarise the exchange, home leg, respectable one-all draw, away leg, catastrophic 6-0 defeat on penalties of dignity.

We don't keep in touch.

Jack from York.

Oh dear.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

You can't really mask.

You need to clean.

You can't just try and mask a smell.

Back to smells again, aren't we?

We are back to smells again.

If you try to mask a smell with another smell you just get another smell which is bad yes and also you're assuming that people who live in their house all their lives can't tell quite subtle differences in odour yeah you would notice that yeah if you lived in a house

uh i've got an i i like the other foreign exchange email as well hello my lovely good eggs I went on a foreign exchange to the south of Frans and North Wales, a short hop of just 20 hours in a coach watching the same Only Fools and Horses compilation video, which was locked in by a special key on the grumpy driver's keychain at Colwyn Bay.

I would like to say this was some 15 years after the heyday of the show.

I stayed with my French pen pal, who immediately hooked up with an older boy from my school and spent the next week surgically attached to his mouth.

We spent most of the next 10 days hanging around watching dubbed videos of American films with various friend teenagers or older kids I didn't know from school while she did some heavy petting, as it used to say on my sign in my local swimming pool.

On the sign in my local swimming pool.

Her family were a little eccentric.

Her mother walked in, covered in blood up to her elbows.

Today I kill a pig.

While the father had a glass eye and spent hours laminating pictures of women in bikinis on motorbikes, which you would sell at the local market.

Fantastic.

I did enjoy learning how to use the laminator.

So, although I learned no French, I did learn a new skill.

Thanks for all the laughs, Jenny.

What a great job.

Remarkable.

Wow.

Look if you sold many.

Laminating pictures of women in bikinis on motorbikes, which you would sell at the local market.

Yeah.

Not a bad life.

No, thank you, Jenny.

I could do that in the Alps.

That really tickled me.

What would you be laminating?

Pictures of women on

motor houses.

And you could sell them at the bottom of the mountain.

Yeah.

Just before people walk up, yeah.

That's a nice, decent, dignified life, Dave.

Yes, yeah, it is.

is it is

well there'll be more of your emails on next week's show there will also be uh a bureau de change of the mind available to some people somewhere somehow no available only on busy sounds okay folks see you next week bye-bye

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