#453 - Decking or Necking, Dad of the Year and Too Handsome to Focus

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Hello, listeners.

Thank you very much for downloading this week's Ellis and John on a Friday.

I look normal.

John's skin, on the other hand, is so fantastic.

Rodrigo, Michael, who work on the show, were unable to focus the cameras because it's just not flawed enough for the cameras to hone in on something.

They need a blemish.

It's very kind of technology to struggle to cope with my palate.

I only think of how good cameras are now.

Oh, they're very, very good.

But your skin is too smooth.

You look too handsome to focus.

Well, do you know, this is

the fillip I needed.

Yeah.

Because I actually have had bad skin this week due to,

and I was going to put this in John Wynn's again as a loss.

Yeah.

Due to a sweat overload,

which triggered a bout of stingy skin.

And I then made a classic mistake, those of us who have certain stingy skin conditions

of trying out too many different face washes.

Did you go Vaseline like a boxer?

No.

I confused my skin.

You need a cut man.

I got three different face washes.

I confused my skin by

just throwing in curveball after curveball.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Then I remembered I've got medicated cream in my cupboard and I put it on and it went went away.

So is that a win, a loss, or is that a draw?

Where are we?

Good cue.

It's...

I think it's just got to be an acceptance.

Okay.

The third way.

Yes.

The third column.

When you can't win, when you can't lose, you accept.

Oh, okay.

But we're in a Daveless world.

We are.

Yeah, and...

I, for one, am seeing savings to be made.

Because if this works, John,

suddenly we could be a duo again.

Yeah, um,

Dave is away, Zoph is away, and Izzy is away, all on holiday.

And I think no wonder Britain's economy is contracting for a second consecutive month, unexpectedly.

No wonder Rachel Reeves is tearing her hair out.

I'm gonna be in tears.

It does make you wonder, doesn't it?

What does Dave do?

Because we're up, we're running.

The cameras now have been focused, despite your great beauty.

Well, he referees.

And we never spend time alone.

We rarely speak alone.

So, without Dave here, either we'll end up decking each other or getting off with each other.

Decking or necking.

It's decking or necking.

And I'm not sure either of those is good for our brand.

No.

But Dave's in Marbea?

One of those.

Because you cut him down the middle, and he is a fish and chip shop in the Algarve.

Yes.

He's a a Brit abroad.

He's already sent us a photo of him next to the pool.

Pint in hands.

Pint in hands.

It's not even midday.

He's loving it.

I'm seeing savings, John.

I'm seeing a lot of savings.

I am going back to Switzerland for the Euros on Saturday because Wales are playing England.

Yes.

I need to tell you, but last weekend, because Willers played the Netherlands, I took Betty, my daughter.

30 seconds of that.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah.

That's good.

Because you love sport.

Just love sport.

And it's a great summer of sport.

It's a great summer of sport.

I watched 30 seconds of that, and I will probably watch 10 hours of the test match over the weekend.

Oh, that's nice.

And I had a lovely thing on the way into town today because my route is the sort of crosses over with the route to Lourdes.

Oh, lovely.

Just all the old duffers.

You can spot them.

I can spot them a mile away.

Yes, the cricket stance.

The duffer stance.

They're either wearing stripey blazers.

Yeah, and the sort of boaters.

and a and a straw boater or

like a short sleeve

what are those tops you wear that foot for like a polo shirt yeah short sleeve polo shirts that have been washed 2000 times

and they're all called graham peter and simon yes yeah all of the cricket fans and yesterday

This is good.

No, this isn't a John Wins.

This is just a win for someone.

I was going on my meditative walk i was observing the monk jacks i was observing the um

uh what are they called flowers but there's a specific type of flower okay anyway daisies i walked past a cricket club buttercups yeah like an under-12s cricket game

and um i caught a wicket as i walked past oh yeah great but you're 43 no no no i was saw some i saw the bowler no i saw the bowler go

oh that's nice that's always good So I stuck around.

Next ball, another wicket.

So he's on a hat-trick.

He gets it.

Oh, fantastic.

Then two singles and another wicket.

I saw a four-wicket over.

That's amazing.

So this kid should be part of the England setup.

Without a shadow.

It's absolutely lethal.

I've never seen a hat-trick live.

No, another of I.

And there was, I was celebrating more than any of the kids.

Yeah, that's weird, isn't it?

Well, he must do it all the time.

Behind the sight screen.

That's weirder.

I know, but

they all looked at me.

Because if you get found, that's bad.

It's bad.

I was not on the property.

No, that's good.

But how often do you see a hatrick?

It's a very youth sport.

You could watch cricket your whole life and never see a hatrick.

Yeah.

Oh, that's great.

And then four wickets and over.

I texted Andy Zoltzman.

Get this kid in England

because it's such an impressive ever.

Anyway, Ellis, you watched, went, watched.

I went to watch Wills play the Netherlands.

i went watched uh to switzerl to watch whales play the netherlands i took betty and my daughter who is 10.

it was an absolutely fantastic day we got maisie on the show later on so uh i'll save the majority of my uh swiss vibes for maisie what a beautiful country by the way oh i had completely stunning i went to geneva about 25 years ago and had forgotten that switzerland is basically europe's most beautiful place yes it's incredible everything looks like a postcard because there's nothing more beautiful than neutrality that's why the bbc is so beautiful yeah

neutrality.

A decent public transport system and mountains.

Yeah, and no questions asked if you want to open a big savings account.

Yes, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, with.

Oh, you want to deposit some gold?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I don't think of Great Beauty when I think of Switzerland.

I think of

banking.

Watch mechanisms.

Watches and chocolate.

But no, it's a very, very beautiful place.

But anyway, there was a sort of Welsh music takeover at a nightclub happening a couple of minutes from the hotel.

Now, Betty's two favourite musical artists are Olivia Rodders-Rodrigo.

I really am trying my best to get Rodders up and running as a working nickname for Olivia Rodrigo.

She loves Olivia Rodders Rodrigo and Adwyth, who are a Welsh language band are often on Six Music.

Now, Adwyth were headlining the Welsh music takeover because it was all female Welsh artists.

So, had they been flown over by UEFA or something?

I think it might be something to do with the FAW rather than UEFA themselves because there's lots of cultural events happening around the whales games that's nice it's really great the fun zone was fantastic because all these musicians are playing the fun zone as well it was just great introducing all these welsh bands to lots of dutch people wearing orange lovely um i didn't tell betty about adwyth because they're her favorite band and it was happening in a nightclub and it was 10 p.m uh when they were coming on and she's in year five right but i told a friend of mine who's organizing it oh she'd have loved to have seen that but obviously she's only 10.

he sent me a text at 20 past nine saying kids are allowed in as long as they're with an adult claxon i'd already had a couple of pints i had my shoes off i didn't really want to go

because that's your commitment to welsh culture if your shoes are on yeah i'm out

i'm going you will you will spread the welsh language if your shoes are off well i i just thought the day was over Because your shoes are off.

Because my shoes are off.

I was actually in bed and I'd had a couple of pints.

Yeah.

And I said, Betty, do you want to go to a nightclub to watch Alderwide?

She was like, yes.

Well, obviously, yes.

So the biggest yes of all.

The shoes went back on.

Yeah, right.

Where are Betty's shoes at this moment?

Betty's much happier to put her shoes on than I am.

If this stuff is happening.

Well, can we take this attitude to the school run?

Yes.

Again.

You would think, wouldn't you?

I should just constantly say that Adwyth are playing at school at 9 a.m.

and she needs to get out the doors faster.

Anyway, so I said, listen, my friend Dan's just texted me to say you're allowed in.

And she was like, oh my God, please, Dad, can we go?

I was like, like, yes, because I'm dad of the year.

I'm a great guy.

Rodders plus shoes on for Adwyth.

In eight days.

Her two favourite artists in eight days.

Rodders at Hyde Park on the Friday.

Yeah, eight days later on the Saturday night, Adwyth in.

You're getting close to the best dad in history, who's the dad in Danny Champion of the World.

Yes, because I make memories.

And if you get that close to the dad in Danny Champion of the World, you'll have to be my dad.

Yeah, because I make memories.

I'll make memories for you.

I'll put your shoes on.

Thank you.

Anyway, so we walked to the nightclub.

It's great.

The

bouncer initially staggered.

He said, how old is she?

I said, it's fine.

I've had a word with the organizer.

She's allowed in.

He talked to his superior.

Swiss licensing laws, hilariously lax.

So they let us in.

So she was right down the front.

As soon as they're banking licenses.

Yeah, they don't like rules.

Yeah.

No one asks for my train tickets on public transport.

It's just, it's like, it's like an anarchist system.

Do what you want.

Anyway, so she's right down the front.

She's having the time of her life.

They played her favourite song twice because they did a little encore.

Obviously, if Ardwa are playing in Switzerland, I am going to come reconnect.

Oh, yeah.

So there was a huge amount of come reconnecting going on.

I was there with my friends Hayley Nean.

So they were sort of looking after her as I was come reconnecting.

I then heard a massive cheer.

I turned around.

The band had ended.

And Hayley said to Betty, Go, get on stage.

She got on stage and I photos with the group.

Oh, that's amazing.

Were there other kids there?

No.

Well, maybe there was, I think there was one kid who was about 13.

Okay.

But yeah, so she got on stage, I had a photos taken with a band, they all met at selfies and all that kind of stuff.

We walked back, it was like half past 11 at night.

She was like, Dad, this has been an absolutely fantastic day.

I was like, I know you're making memories.

Have you got?

Can I see a photo of her on stage?

Yes.

So Ellis is handing me, Oh, my Lord.

It's the double deposit to sums up.

It's so cute, isn't it?

And a big Welsh flag with the members of Adwyth.

Oh, my God.

What have you got planned for next week?

I mean, it's hard to top that, isn't it?

I think I would need to somehow bribe you away from for Wales to win 5-0, which is what's needed for us to progress into the quarter-finals, which I don't think is very likely.

But I mean, if I'm going to maintain my record as dad of the year,

I basically need to start sorting some backhanders.

Okay, okay.

Well, we've got some correspondence to

address.

Yes, on the efficiency front, and I must admit, this email spoke to me.

It's from Catherine in Teesside.

Dear Energy, John Producer Dave, let me start by saying, I love John.

I do.

He's brilliant.

A national treasure.

How's that feel?

You're up there with Dench.

I don't want the pressure.

No?

I want to be a national recluse.

The people's hermit.

I want to be the people's hermit.

Okay.

However, and I cannot stress this enough.

John must be stopped.

Here's a listen.

I disagree.

I will listen to the point you make.

Here's a listener, Lawrence, is harmful.

Every touch counts philosophy is no longer just useful mantra.

It's a full-blown cult.

And my boyfriend is the newest, most evangelical convert.

I have ADHD, and my boyfriend has whatever the hell it is that John's got.

IE, he's a logistics-obsessed menace.

My ADHD brain cannot cope with the pick-up parcel, tear-off-top, cardboard, strip-in-pocket, poetry-out, underarm, cardboard-in-kitchen way of life.

But my boyfriend loves it.

It's his reason for getting up every day.

The last week has been insufferable, as every time I transit from a shared space, I'm blasted with demands for efficiency.

Never leave a room empty-handed.

Don't touch that twice, straighten the dishwasher.

Ring in my ears.

Now, all I can think of are the next 12 steps ahead in my hellish, ultra-optimized life.

Good amount of steps.

You'll lead you to a spiritual awakening.

I cannot live like this.

I'm exhausted.

As long as John is allowed to use his public platform to peddle this dangerous doctrine, my boyfriend and many others will believe that it is the way.

Some of us are barely hanging on and would very much like to touch the same object twice, possibly three times, just because we can.

I'm all for continuous human improvement, but this has simply gone too far and has to stop.

John is ruining lives.

Love custom from Teesside.

Well, it wasn't long until the Anti-Efficiency Brigade piped up

and sounded their horns

at irregular intervals.

Yes.

I have some experience of the

know the exciting challenges of combining uh logistics obsessed menace i.e me with the adhd brain yes of close friends and loved ones yes and what happens is

you know it's creative sparks isn't it it's mccartney and lennon you have to know where your responsibilities begin and end boundaries boundaries Yeah.

So for example.

For example.

Dear Jesus.

The problem is when it's a couple because you're sharing all the space.

Yes.

And sharing a boundary is hard when your approaches are conflicting.

And your behavior directly impacts your partner.

Yes.

So in my way that Lou lives in Margate.

In a way that Lou lives in Margate.

You don't.

And I don't.

But when I went on a holiday, and I'm not tarring Lou with the anti-efficiency brush, it could have been any number of a thousand other people who went on.

A million other people.

A million other people.

I mean, what's the population of Costa Rica?

Exactly.

I could be talking about anyone in Costa Rica.

However, I would suggest

Catherine.

Just buying another house for you and one for your partner.

Yes.

Because that's the only way, really, for you both to be able to express yourself.

Yeah.

Unless your different qualities are tessellating in an optimum way, creating a parquet floor of love.

You know?

Is that possible?

Yes.

I would say that I challenge Izzy.

She's quite efficient.

She very rarely makes it.

But she leaves cupboard doors open.

That is her great weakness.

That's her tragedy, actually.

But But I mean, so let's.

My understanding is...

She's mad the way she leaves cupboard doors open.

Catherine, when you say

as I say to her, routinely when cupboard doors left open, you wouldn't leave your bum unwiped.

Very true.

Would you?

Very true.

Unless you're in a real emergency.

When you say my ADHD brain cannot cope with pickup, parcel, tear-off top, cardboard, strip in pocket poetry out under arm cardboard in kitchen,

I guess that's a process, isn't it?

Yes.

So, but could we not see each part of that process as the next thing you're obsessed with?

Fun part of a party.

Well, the next moment of...

The next moment of hyper-focus.

Yes.

So, oh my God, I can't wait to open this parcel.

Oh my God, I can't wait to keep the poetry under my arm.

Oh my God, I can't wait to hold the cardboard in my hand.

I can't wait to walk to the kitchen.

I can't wait to put this cardboard in the recycling.

Suddenly, you've tricked your brain into thinking it's done four disparate things.

It's actually done one exceptional task.

Yeah, interesting, interesting.

But,

Catherine, I respect you.

I value you.

Yeah.

I don't want you in my house

because you'll be resting cups of tea on the arm of the sofa and that's not what it's for.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

But sure, every so often I miss something.

Yeah, you're fallible.

I'm fallible.

For God's sake.

But I'll just shout at myself for an hour and then we're fine.

Exactly.

And then I'd learn.

Yes.

This morning, I lost.

No.

This morning, I couldn't yet locate my wallet.

That's an interesting phrase.

Okay.

Couldn't yet locate.

Yeah.

I'm going to start using that.

I can't yet locate my keys again.

And I'm not used to not being able to yet locate things.

Because of the power 4.

However, the spanners.

As in the taps, you mean.

The taps.

Wallet, keys, phone, vape.

A spanner has been thrown into the works by finally capitulating to a technology I didn't ask for and adding some cards to my phone.

What do you mean?

So I can now pay by card on my phone.

Yes.

Right.

Which means that sometimes...

You can leave without your wallet.

I can leave without my wallet.

I routinely leave without my wallet.

But so this means the wallet, its grasp on the power four, has begun to weaken.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, because you can do without it.

And I've got to bend over that cliff face and put out my arm and say, grab on and climb up me.

In lockdown, I didn't see my wallet for about seven months.

Use me as a rope.

Yes.

Get back on land.

Yeah.

Because the advantage is that means I can take my phone on a run.

If, for example, I meet a traveling salesman

to sell me magic beans and he's got a card reader.

Yes.

I can do that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because it would be mad to take my wallet on a run.

Yes.

I'm the same as you.

Because I'm running into a wood.

Yeah, exactly.

And in the wood, we need no wallet.

I think the age of the wallet is dying, actually.

I think it's going.

No, not possible.

Because the wallet contains facts.

It contains my driver's license.

It contains my address.

It contains my loyalty card for the cafe downstairs, which if you get the right person, they give you three stamps.

Yeah, yeah.

Sorry, what was my point?

Ah, anyway, I'd left my wallet under my meditation mat.

So stress

was immediately met with amusement and irony.

And I still made the train because I'd left 10 minutes extra time.

So the system works because there's time built in for fallibility.

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

However,

Catherine, I will meet you in a neutral area.

Yeah, yeah, a desert.

I'll meet you in a desert.

I'll meet you at a leisure centre.

I'll meet you in Switzerland.

Well, further to that, this is from Mr.

G.

A.

Pullen.

A gentleman, and maybe just John or Colin, but probably really John.

I've um denied about sending this message.

Does anyone really give an S?

But when I think about the terrible levels of productivity in the UK PLC, something we've already mentioned on the podcast today, and I realise that sending this message is my civic duty.

John, I must challenge your policy of only touching things once as it leads to such inefficient behaviour.

I cannot wait for this.

May I use your dishwasher example?

It's much more efficient to leave cups and sundry utensils on the worktop above the dishwasher until you have a significant amount to load.

For instance, after a meal, and then load the dishwasher in one action.

Okay, can I just chip in and say I've never disagreed with anything more in my life.

Even I disagree with that.

Yeah.

Because it's not just one action.

I know, I know.

We'll get to it.

I can't wait for my rebuttal.

The grouping of tasks is core to the principles of Henry Ford's production line.

But for a simpler example, let's get back to the kitchen.

When processing potatoes for mash, you would group each task for efficiency.

Wash all of the potatoes, peel all of the potatoes, chop all of the potatoes, boil all of the potatoes, and finally mash all of the potatoes.

You wouldn't wash, peel, chop, boil, and mash one potato and then repeat the process for the rest of the batch.

This is obvious.

But the same principle can be extrapolated for any task.

Disagree.

Now, of course, there are caveats.

Back to the dishwasher example.

If the items were particularly smelly, perhaps you've been snacking on sardines.

Or if you're a posh guest over who would object to seeing a dirty cup on the kitchen top, in these situations, efficiency be damned.

Put the stuff in the dishwasher.

Otherwise, for God's sake, group your tasks.

Thanks for your attention.

In this matter, all my love, Mr.

G.A.

Pullen.

Obviously, if you don't read this out,

this will have been a massive waste of my time and my day's efficiency will be lost.

John, how do you plead?

With respect to Mr.

G.

A.

Pullen, I disagree with absolutely everything said.

Okay.

For a start,

the analogy of potatoes, making mashed potatoes, and extrapolating the analogy of Henry Ford's approach to the production line.

Of the Model T Ford.

Of the Model T Ford.

That only applies because all the potatoes are there at once.

Right?

The task is to get the potatoes plural into mash.

So obviously you're going to group your tasks.

Yeah.

The same would apply.

If I walked into my kitchen and there were 50 mugs out, right?

Say some thieves have broken in and had 49 cups of tea.

Yeah, and had loads of tea breaks.

I would put them all in at once.

Yeah.

Right.

However, it doesn't apply because in In the example of my mug, my mug is all the potatoes and the task is to put it in the dishwasher because the car at the end of the production line is an uncluttered house.

Yes.

So every time I do that, I'm creating the car.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Also,

this relies on you waiting

until you are so

you're in such need.

It's like waiting to not be able to see out of your windows before getting them cleaned.

Yes.

That's inefficient.

Like, I wouldn't wait until all my clothes are dirty before putting a wash on.

Yeah, sorry, as a a student, but yeah.

Yeah, it's student living.

So I disagree fundamentally with the

because the task

the task is not making a complete car.

The task is making

the

locking wheel nuts.

Yes, the gearbox.

The gearbox.

Yeah.

I just think as well,

putting one cup in a dishwasher takes half a second.

Whereas

the rigmarole of leaving everything on the side and then putting it in the dishwasher, I think I'm sure if you timed it.

Well, there are other inefficiencies there.

Counter space.

Yeah.

You know, how am I chopping onions?

Vibe.

Vibe.

How am I chopping onions if I'm waiting until all of the mess has accumulated on my counter to such a point that cleaning my kitchen becomes maximum efficient?

Yes.

There's thousands of inefficiencies in the process of leaving stuff.

Yes.

Also, your house looks like a

living of

you, man.

But thanks for your email.

More of your emails coming up.

If you want to send anything, the address is ellisonjohn at bbc.co.uk.

But now it's time to catch up with our Euros correspondent, Maisie Adam.

Hello, lads.

How are ya?

Crazy, if you could wait for the slightly efficacy

to play.

Are you still going with that yodeling?

We are still going with that.

Oh, guys, come on.

Yeah, there we go.

Come on.

Oh, our Swiss listeners love this.

Yes, Maisie, where are you?

How are you?

What are you doing?

Where have you been?

So I'm still in Zurich.

I was at the

England-Netherlands game

the other night.

But I am soon to be travelling to St Gallen to catch up with Ellis in person I hope

for England Wales this weekend.

That's on Sunday.

What's it?

Because I came home so I had to watch the Wales France game on the telly but I'm going back out to Switzerland on Saturday.

Even though results haven't gone our way I've had an absolutely amazing time and Jess Fischer's scoring the you know the first Welsh woman to score at a major tournament.

She is

nice.

It's emotional.

So emotional.

I'm going to text you a video, Maisie, of her dad being interviewed about that goal by BBC Wales because I must admit I shed a tear when I saw it.

Oh, is it going to make me cry?

It will make you cry.

He keeps referring to it as little as his little petal.

Oh, no, stop it.

Stop it.

Oh, God.

So, how do things stand?

What are the standings of the things?

England have clicked into gear.

They were very, very convincing against the Netherlands on Wednesday night.

We as a bottom of the group, but we're actually, we haven't mathematically been eliminated.

As long as we beat reigning champions England 5-0 and France beat the Netherlands on Sunday, we progressed to the quarterfinals.

Well, I saw all of England's goals, and they're all great goals.

Lauren James, what a player!

They were lovely, weren't they?

She's unbelievable.

They were all really lovely, clean goals.

Absolutely delicious.

Yeah.

Really good.

Question, Ellis.

Yeah.

Because obviously you are, we are, we all are, supporters of women's football brackets general.

Yes.

To get it on the world stage, to promote it, to be positive,

how easy is it to wish another team ill?

I must admit, and I've never admitted this on the telly,

I don't really support England men when they play football, and I'll leave it at that.

The Lionesses have been so good for the women's game in Wales, but I must admit I've got very different feelings towards the Lionesses.

Obviously, I hope we win 5-9 on Sunday and France beat the Netherlands and we progress.

But

they're an incredible group of players.

And I must admit,

yeah,

I've got a different vibe towards the England women's team.

Let's leave it there.

Let's leave it there.

Well, Maisie and Ellis, a question, maybe you first, Maisie.

Is the experience in the fan zones and in the stadiums very different to the men's men's Euros or men's international?

Massively.

It's just,

I always say this because I always get really nervous that people are going to take this and interpret it as

the game.

The women's game is...

First of all, I hate when we compare the game to the men's game.

But you're right, the fan experience is very different.

But sometimes people misconstrue that and go, oh, well, the women's game is tame or it's more friendly.

It's a ladylike game.

It's still just as tenacious and as and as gripping, but the the big difference is in the fans.

It's all of the all of the excitement and tenacity and edge-of-your-seat

tension, but there's none of the the BS that comes with the men's game.

And I think to echo what Ellis just said, I was in a cafe yesterday with a bunch of Welsh fans who were all saying that like they were so proud of Wales to be there and to get on the score sheet, and especially for somebody like Jess Fishlock, who I heard the stat that she's the oldest player at the tournament

ever

at the grand old age of 38.

I mean, that's depressing, isn't it?

That you're seen as a veteran of the sport at 38.

But they were all saying

that the impact that has come from Wales being here, but also from the sort of

another byproduct of the Lioness's success is

the impact that women's football is having in Wales.

In participation, because young girls see that and think, well, I want to play.

And because of.

And the FAW have invested in pitches and facilities.

They want more female referees, more female coaches, etc.

So that's where the next Jess Fish Look will come from.

I did the fan walk.

So there were 8,000.

Oh, did you?

Yeah, there were 8,000 Hollander Wales ones walking to the ground together.

And it is the most

unthreatening, benign

example of national pride I've I've ever seen.

It was incredibly moving, actually.

And we walked past the team hotel, the Welsh Team Hotel, so everyone stopped and sang the anthem outside the bus, and the players could all hear it, got on the way of their meeting.

But it was just a really, really friendly event.

It's lovely, innit?

It's like all the chants and all of the camaraderie, and no one sticks a flare up the back end.

It's just lovely.

Yeah, I mean, I did.

And people said, Ellis, what are you doing?

You're spoiling it.

That's why you were sent home, Alice.

Well, I guess it's just like shows, and hopefully, maybe this will have impact outside of just football into other sports and other walks of life that just, you know, the more you involve and encourage women and young girls in any arena, the nicer the vibe and the more positive the experience is.

The fan zone was fantastic.

So there were loads of Dutch people there.

There were loads of Welsh people there.

There were bands.

There's so many Dutch people here.

Yeah, they love it.

I got stuck in the Dutch walk to the stadium.

I was the only one in an England shirt.

and then I got into the stadium and I was sat in the Dutch end with all the orange flags.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I then realised I got my ticket from my mate Francis, who I play football with, and I'd realised she's half Dutch, so that's what's happened there.

But

I was just there with all the orange flags.

It's also

Switzerland is a great host

country, and we were in Zurich.

I don't know if you've been in Zurich HB Station, which is the main central station, but there's that huge like hologram of all of the women's kits.

So, like, I sort of took a photo of the whales kit, and there's just all these Swiss commuters, and there's just this giant whales away

kit hanging above them all.

It's just a really great country as well.

Had you forgotten, or did you realise how beautiful Switzerland is as a place?

It's stunning, it's absolutely stunning, it's really beautiful.

And then I have to buy something, and I hate the country again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, because a margarita pizza will be 39 quid.

Really?

Yeah, absolutely daft how expensive everything is.

John, I'm so broke.

If you fancy starting to GoFundMe for

a margarita.

Yeah, that would be amazing.

I need to eat.

Let's look forward to the England Wales game.

Ellis needs 5-0 whales.

What are the odds on that, Maisie?

Either official or off the top of the old head?

It's...

I don't know the official ones, but it is a monumental mountain to climb.

Can I just say that if we lose to England, Maisie, it would be absolutely ruinous for my mental health.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'd like that to be on your conscience, please.

The thing is, I say this.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I know I'm going to get into that fan park.

I'm going to have Susie Ruffle with me as well.

Oh, great.

And suddenly,

my friendship with Ellis is going to go right up there.

I'm so sorry.

So,

England go through if they draw?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah,

we're hopefully okay.

It has to go really wrong for us now, which I know sounds like I'm tempting fate, and it has to go really right for Wales.

But listen, Ellis, maybe the real winner, the friends you make along the way.

Yes.

Oh.

Have you ever looked at it like that?

That's nice.

Yeah, that can sometimes help.

Hmm, that's, yeah, that's...

That's nice.

Have you heard about Ellis being Dad of the Decade?

No.

Because he took his 10-year-old daughter to a nightclub.

Oh.

And got her 10 pints.

She didn't have 10 pints.

No, no, her favourite band, a Welsh band called Adwyth, and they were playing in a nightclub around the corner from our hotel.

So I got her in and they got her on stage.

So, yeah, she's had an absolutely fantastic time.

And like all Whales Away fans, she started off by watching us lose, which is how it should be, I think, because it sets.

Are you trying to have a dad off with Sophie Ingalls' dad?

Why,

what's Sophie Ingalls' dad?

Sorry, with Jess Fischlock's dad.

Jess Fischlock's dad,

he has done an awful lot, he's not an awful lot, but he's been interviewed a lot, especially by BBC Wheels.

And the pride of the man is, oh, it just exudes out of him.

Well, we wish both teams the best of luck.

I hope they both win finally.

Come on, John.

Please.

Amazie, we can hear you alongside Susie Ruffle on Big Kick Energy 2 on BBC Sounds.

I will see you on Sunday, Maisie.

See you on Sunday.

See you in St.

Gallon.

And I can introduce you to my mum.

Oh, I've always wanted to meet Amazon.

Yeah, mum's going on Sunday.

She can't be.

That's so nice.

Well, thanks for joining us, Maisie Adam.

Do check out the Football Daily Podcast and Big Kick Energy on the greatest audio platform on earth, BBC Sounds.

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Well, we wish Ellis all the best.

Is he going to be son of the year?

Is he going to be brother of the millennium?

Oh, yes, son of the year.

Hmm.

Do you know what?

I'm not sure if I've ever been in the running, actually.

My mother would dispute that.

She'd say that I won't waste Son of the Year.

Would be nonsense.

That would be a lie.

That would be a big lie.

Well, I've had a good week, but let's find out how John's week has been in John wins again.

John wins again.

Oh, John wins again.

John wins again.

again john wins again wins again

wins again

whoa whoa whoa no dave to keep tally this week ellis so you're gonna have to keep score of the wins and the losses yeah never done it before i've set up the little tally chart already okay well

only two columns I've got wins and losses, but I don't have a third column for acceptance.

Do I need one?

We've dealt with acceptance, but maybe we can add an asterisk to

any acceptances.

First off, Ellis, we start with the path to spiritual enlightenment.

Because I chopped wood.

Oh, did you?

Yeah.

And that's really.

The 19th century Liberal Prime Minister.

Yeah, and like

the Buddhist in the parable.

Okay.

You chopped wood.

Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.

After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.

Um.

You've never done that before.

Talk to me about it.

This is.

I mean, I have chopped wood,

but I just chopped wood yesterday and it felt good.

All right, okay.

That's a win now.

Because you do it both before and after Enlightenment, Alice.

Okay.

Okay.

Secondly,

new music alert.

Well, old music alert.

In fact, I had to text James Acass about how good this album was because it came out in 2016.

Ah.

And it's premium by Sam Evian.

Okay.

It's an absolute humdinging belt fest.

I like Evian as well.

And

the song Big Car

I must have played over 50 times.

And it is called Big Car.

What's it about?

Like an SUV?

It's about being in a big car and letting go.

Not of the steering wheel.

No, no.

Or of, you know, any of the safety features.

Okay.

It's not about turning the airbag off.

It's not on.

So letting go spiritually, which, as discussed, afterwards, you still chop wood and carry water.

Letting go spiritually in a big car.

In a big car.

Okay, you know.

Yeah, it's great.

Oh, dear, a cloud on the horizon.

Had an application for a business bank account turned down because Britain doesn't want to build back better.

Oh, God.

It would seem, Ellis, that applying for business bank accounts these days is not what banks want you to do.

Yeah, mad.

And you gotta do it all on an app, so while you're doing it, you can't use your phone yeah so it means sometimes up to two hours of your day are given up to providing information that should warrant you to open a bank account only to be told by a computer that you can't yeah and that's why britain is in the gutter i tried to do this and i cycled to my local branch which is two miles away and i said oh sorry you can't do that in branch you got to do it on the app i said but i've got all the documents here and i've got everything i need well quite a lot what's your job in well quite a lot of i street banks don't offer any at all anymore to certain types of businesses

because britain is broken yeah how do you expect to increase gdp how i've got to be honest john it shocked me yeah it shocked me and part of me is thinking

I need someone who knows who I am to see this application because I am a big deal in certain areas,

e.g.

audio production.

And Will Briggs' gigs.

And Will Briggs.

I need ideally Will Briggs to be handling this application for a FinTech bank.

Yeah, I must admit,

I've been also surprised at the length of the process.

And they seem to not want your custom.

I know.

Anyway, it'd be nice to speak to an individual about it, but that's not possible.

And every time I tell people I've been turned down for a bank account, they go, oh, you should try this app.

And I go, that's the one that turned me down

anyway uh on the plus side i went to a new wood oh that's good burnham beaches oh lovely whatever you do don't burnham beaches that would be the end of the wood and it would cause a natural disaster yeah yeah anyway went for a lovely walk in a big wood and that's good because that that helps with my spiritual enlightenment alice god you're so spiritually enlightened when does it end where did you hear about my new philosophy I'm creating?

Okay.

Is it about online banking?

It is actually to an extent.

Okay.

Being turned down for a business bank account may be the origin story of a new form of spirituality.

Right, it's okay.

Which I'll tell you about maybe in another episode of 21st century religion.

Once I've fleshed it out.

Okay.

Branded dishwasher tablets at a mad price.

Massively.

Yeah, low.

Okay.

Yeah, mad.

It was like someone on the board had lost their mind.

Oh, that's good.

So we double bagged.

248s.

You know the maths.

That's 96 tablets.

That's going to see me through till winter, probably.

Yeah, fair play.

Oh, God.

Fifth week, fifth consecutive week on the Willy World Cup, where I didn't win the word.

Last Willie.

I have never gone five game weeks without winning.

No, I've never gone six game weeks without winning.

If I don't win this week, I'm six game weeks without winning.

It's a Robins low.

Oh, my God.

It's an all-time low.

So I've got to do everything in my power to win this game week.

Yeah, I mean, you'd

lose the chairman's vote of confidence, and you're the chairman.

Yeah, and sure, it's given Chris a chance to shine.

It's given Simon a chance to shine.

It's given Alex and Tom a time to shine.

But I'm used to shining.

Yeah.

And it's been dark for a a while.

Ran the furthest distance I've ever run.

Oh, well done.

17k.

Good goodness me.

What's that in Imperial?

10 and a half miles.

Goodness me again.

Yeah.

That felt good.

Yeah.

I felt good.

Well done.

That's fabulous.

Well done.

But the sweat involved did trigger minor skin reactions.

Oh, you know, you say potato.

No one says potato.

Yeah, it's not runner's nipple.

No.

No, it's sweater's nose bridge.

Am I including

your sweat attack?

No, I'm going to take the sweat attack because it's real, because it's nature.

Okay, all right then.

I finally disposed of the absurd football trophy I've been lumbered with by Daniel Kitson for eight years.

Eight years ago, I used to play comedians football and you would get a prize for best goal.

Yeah, yeah.

Daniel Kitson, because he is a humorist,

brought a trophy that's half a metre tall, probably 40 centimeters wide, and weighs, I think, 15 kilos.

Yes.

It's extraordinarily cumbersome.

You would set the seatbelt alarm off in your car.

Yes.

It's very funny to take that

when people are used to bringing sort of chipped mugs.

Yes.

Someone once brought a small cactus with a crown on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

To then turn up with what probably cost him 100 quid.

Yeah, but he's a humorist.

Because he's a humorist.

I've had that in my house for eight years

and you can't do anything with it apart from take up space and risk injury.

You could use it as a sort of clothes source, maybe?

Not at all, not in any way.

You could use it as a doorstop that's too big.

Okay, for like a sort of castle door.

Yeah, or a bank's vault door.

Right, okay.

Or you could use it to...

You couldn't even use it to kill an intruder because it's too heavy to lift.

Oh, okay.

Well, why don't you take it to the Bank of England?

They can use it as a doorstop, and then you can maybe set up a business bunker cover then.

I found a local kids' football team that will get a lot of joy out of using it as, I don't know, player of the season.

Yeah, it's player of the century because player of the season is

too big.

It's like you'd give it to either Pele or Maradona.

Okay.

And they'd probably have to share it.

I have seen it.

And the listeners, they're not imagining how big it is.

Yeah, and once you've imagined how big it is, you then see how big it is, you then try and pick it up.

Yeah, um, I went for a sartorial walk with Henry Packer, one of my favorite pursuits, and I bought two pairs of shorts.

Oh, nice!

And I'm wearing one pair now, Ellis.

Very nice.

What do you think of my shorts?

Good.

I mean, it's just relaxed.

You're a man above town.

But also,

this tells you they're fashionable.

Yeah.

Because they are from a fashionable brand.

Oh, yeah.

And they're so fashionable, but also hard wearing that I texted Mike Wozniak and said, I've no idea if this is appropriate, but I think I may have found some shorts that suit the provincial dad with his eye on the catwalk.

So, how are we doing?

I mean, it's looking very positive.

Is it?

I mean, it's 7-2.

Wins versus losses.

Oh, my gee!

I mean,

the bank account problem did feel like a hundred losses.

Walking in a wood, new music, a new wood, dishwasher, tabs and offer, 17k run, getting rid of a big trophy in your shorts, losses, the business bank account, and, you know, Britain deservedly going into recession and you were the losses.

Yes.

So I must admit, the losses feel significant.

Yeah, however, I will take 7-2.

Yeah.

Let's head for some reassurance to Mr.

Adrian Chiles.

Ellison, John, join us now.

How are you, fellows?

Very well.

How are you, Adrian?

Good, thank you.

I mentioned you in my Guardian column this week, talking about people having a particular walk to go to football

and stuff.

And yeah, so I thank you for your contribution.

And I did name you because I think it's wrong to pass off others' ideas as your own.

Oh, isn't that kind?

There's a bit of journalistic integrity.

Yes, it's a rare thing, isn't it?

It is a rare thing, actually.

Do you know what you could have done for the online piece?

I could have videoed my walk and they could have embedded the video in the online article.

Oh, yes, we there's no reason we can't go back and do it.

I mean, I was just thinking what other kind of walks there are.

There's the the walk off a green after you've three-potted John, for example.

Yes, John.

Hang dog one.

Any any other thoughts?

John thinks there's um

a particular walk that all duffers have when they walk into the cricket at Lord's.

And he reckons he can spot it from a mile off.

Yes.

What about walks onto stage for a stand-up gig and walks off stage if it's gone well or badly?

Stuart Lee's got some quite funny impersonations of people walking on stage on live at the Apollo, but they are slightly disparaging because he's Captain Grumpy.

But

they're funny.

How do you do you scamper on, John?

Or what's your name?

I'm not a scamperer.

He's not been a scamperer since his

strange camp phase in 2012, 2013,

when he did use a scamper on stage.

But the camp phase has now ended, and I would say that John is now slightly more serious than he was.

And what about you, Alice?

How does your walking on stage walk differ from your

walking?

Well, he walks on stage in Welsh now.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Although I'm feeling pretty confident these days on stage.

So when I walk up, I do a big sort of,

you know, like when

a team's given a corner in front of their own fans and the person taking the corner might sort of gesture at the supporters to make some noise.

Yeah, that's what I do.

I sort of walk on like, come on.

Oh, really?

You change when people on stage.

This just, this isn't you.

One of the great on-stage walks is

Queen at Wembley in 1986, because in the video they follow each individual member backstage to see what they're doing pre-walk.

So Freddie does some sort of calf stretches.

Yeah, Brian's tuning up.

John's just sort of chilling out.

Roger is

in a Roger headspace.

And then

the dry ice begins.

the backing track of one vision and then they all rush out and that's great.

I mean, it doesn't sound particularly interesting the first bit, but you know,

I'll get you drifted.

It's an insight, isn't it?

It's not interesting to get inside the crew.

Well, a calf thing.

A calf stretch is interesting, but the other thing is.

What else is Brian May doing other than tuning his flipping guitar up?

Well, he's giving a thumbs up to camera because he cares about Britain.

It interests me that Freddy's calves need to be stretched.

It tells me that he's a man who prepares and he's a man who exerts himself and he's a man who needs to be in good shape despite smoking silk cut.

Yeah.

And if you had to stretch a muscle before you went on stage for your stand-up gig, which muscle would it be?

Don't ask.

Okay, alright.

That's why he doesn't like performing at the Glasgow stand because there's no backstage.

Is Dave, producer Dave, going to the Oasis gig?

He's on holiday, Adrian.

He has got tickets for one of the gigs, but we're not sure which one, but he's definitely going to one because he brought his laptop to a wedding tomorrow.

I don't think he is on holiday.

I think he's just going to all five park gigs or whatever it is.

Okay,

have a good one, folks.

Next week, Ellis might be getting a few options for the replacement of the Volkswagen barrel of eggs.

Who knows?

I know, and he will.

So tune in.

That'll be out with you on Tuesday.

Bureau de Change of the Mind on Saturday.

Dave will be back, goodness knows when, and hopefully, Britain will stagger to its feet

and boost the blooming economy for once.

Goodbye.

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