#452 - Here Lies The Volkswagen Barrel of Eggs

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Suffs!

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home!

Winner, best score!

We demand to be seen!

Winner, best book!

We demand to be quality!

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

BBC Sounds Music, Radio, Podcasts.

Stop all the clocks,

cut off the telephone, prevent the dog or a fox from barking with a juicy bone.

Silence BBC sounds with muffled drum.

Contact auto trader at the mourners come.

Let aeroplane circle moaning overhead, scribbling on the sky the message: Ellis's Volkswagen Golf is dead.

Craig bows around the white necks of the public doves, whatever that means.

Let Jordan and William from Sexted wear black cotton gloves, which they will probably use to do something absolutely disgusting with.

The Volkswagen barrel of eggs was my north, my south, my east, my west.

Izzy poured five litres of paint into the passenger seat foot one in April, which felt like a biblical test.

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song.

I thought that a car would last forever.

I was wrong.

John, it's been written off, John.

Oh, by a man called Dan.

My God.

Now, I have not been party to any of this information.

I was asked to leave the studio as Ellis and David.

Michael and the production team finalised how the news was going to be put across to me, they took quite a long time.

I've really got to say this.

Thank you very much to the estate of WH Alden.

You cleared that, Dave.

Parody and pastige.

Oh, nice, nice, nice.

While I was outside pacing about as they put the finishing touches to that very moving eulogy,

I passed the time by just saying to myself, million, billion, squillion pounds.

And I was pacing the corridors, just saying out loud, million billion, squillion pounds.

And a professional man saw me me who was carrying out a meeting on the hoof in the corridor.

I was actually, I was at Paddington the other day, and Rich, a listener to the show, came up to me and said, Oh, hello, Alice.

Can we come reconnect?

And I was a little bit weird with him because I was actually mouthing that poem to myself.

I was actually talking to myself about the golf.

So, what's this photo here that's been framed that I can't?

You can have a look.

In memory of the golf, we've framed a lovely, lovely picture of the golf, which, by the way, I've never seen it.

It was absolutely hammered.

Also,

the printer's run out of the panel.

Which makes it look worse.

What an odd decision.

Is it to put that in a frame?

Izzy had driven it into a lamppost.

Yeah.

And someone had driven into me in a car park when I was in Sainsbury's, and they'd driven off without leaving notes.

So it was battered on both sides.

Did you not get the CCTV?

No.

Why not?

I didn't think.

Actually, it wasn't in Sainsbury's.

It was outside my house.

Okay.

So talk me through it.

When did the penny drop?

Took my son bird watching an Essex on Sunday.

At that point, it was great.

We saw a lupwing, which is 30 points.

What's going on there?

My son's big into bird watching.

Good.

So he's big into bird watching mini beasts, bugs, planting flowers.

Doesn't like sport.

It's a concern.

Okay.

It's not a concern.

Joking.

He's going to be, you know, Chris Packham, not Chris Sutton.

Yeah, yeah.

And that's okay.

Yeah, yeah, he wants to work in a concert.

Who would you rather go for a drink with?

Be honest.

Yeah, yeah.

He's growing some nosturiums at the moment, which can be funny though.

He can come and look at bees in my garden.

Do you know there's only over 20,000 species of bees in this country?

I didn't know that.

He would love that.

He loves flowers.

I've got loads of flowers in my garden.

He loves flowers.

Oh, he's going to have a great life.

Anyway,

so we went bird watching in S6 and it was fine.

It was good, actually.

We listened to rodders, we listened to the music he likes.

It was good fun.

And then on Monday morning, I had an errand.

Started the car completely, well, tried to start the car completely dead.

Completely.

I got my roadside assistants people out who were rubbish, which is why I'm not going to name them.

The first guy was very,

very flustered.

He said, I don't know why it's not working, mate.

And then he said, my diagnostics diagnostics machine's broken.

And my gaffers told me I spent too long on this job.

So he drove off.

Oh, that's nice.

I then got my roadside assistance people out the next day.

And the guy said, this does not look good, mate.

I've just rung my friend at Volkswagen.

I think this is going to cost well over a grand to mend.

I rang my mechanic, who I really like, because I love his vibe.

I called him.

I talked him through everything that my roadside assistance people had done.

And he said, oh, I don't know.

I don't know.

I said, well, can I not just bring it to you?

And then you can mend it.

He went, No, because my brain's gone too hot.

What?

He's quite elderly.

Why are you using an elderly mechanic?

Because he's so nice, but he's not, that's not his job.

Have him as a friend and then get a good mechanic.

If you like someone for their personality, make them a part of your day.

Yeah, yeah, well, he lives too far away to be a part of my day.

And a mechanic.

Why do you want a mechanic who isn't very good who lives far away?

He's so nice.

Well, then write to him occasionally.

You want your mechanic to be good at fixing cars and close by.

He is.

And he's not.

He is.

He's neither close nor good at fixing cars by 34 degrees.

His brain had gone hot.

Right.

Okay, so all your avenues.

You've been let down by professionals on three occasions.

Yeah.

His brain had gone hot, though.

It was 34 degrees, in fairness to him.

There are mechanics in Spain.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But

the roadside assistance people, he knew a guy at Volkswagen and the block said, no, if it's doing that, that, and that, then I think it's you're going to have to spend a lot of money on it.

We responded to the news in different ways.

I went very quiet.

Izzy, big into the zip car scene.

She's got so into zip cars, though,

that she was very flustered the first time she was in.

She had to use a zip car on Tuesday because the kids were swimming.

She became so flustered, she drove drove the kids to swim pool and then forgotten their costumes and the towels they just had to come back so that it's it's affected us all in different ways John but

so why have I not been why was I not immediately consulted about the replacement because I wanted to read a W.H.

Alden poem about the Volkswagen barrel of eggs John I was hoping you would have called it your Sunday worst Oh, that would have been nice.

But very, very good and very moving poem.

And I think very fitting for the Volkswagen barrel of eggs.

Well, and more fitting tributes to come, aren't there, Ellis?

Yeah, there are tributes going to be dotted throughout the show.

Oh, that's nice.

And I think we can hear one now, can't we?

So this is from someone who I was privileged to give a lift to in the Volkswagen Barrel of Eggs.

Barry Glendenning here.

I was lucky enough to be a passenger in Ellis's car on the night of the Euro 2020 final when Italy beat England.

Ellis picked me up outside my house and we were driving across London to watch the game in the company of several English people.

Both of us were paralysed with fear that England would win a major tournament in our lifetime and I spent the journey taking photographs of the moss and other shrubbery that was growing in the passenger side door window.

We got to Max's house, Ellis pulled off the most sensational exhibition of parallel parking i have ever seen you had to be there trust me and then england lost the game afterwards sitting in the car before ellis turned the key to send us on our way home we shared a hug a warm embrace a loving embrace i'm going to say that unless ellis has ever done the four-legged boogie vibe the beast with two backs with his wife in the back seat of that car, there will have been no more tender or meaningful embrace in that vehicle between its inception and its now sad demise.

I would like to wish it all the best on its final journey to the scrap heap in the sky.

That is moving testimony.

Yeah, he was.

He took so many photos.

He voted so there were flowers growing on the bonnet.

So where is the Volkswagen barrel of eggs now?

It's still upside the house.

And where is it going?

It will go to a scrapyard, and now I need to buy a new car.

Yes.

My son wants a Nissan Leaf.

No, no, no, no, no.

So it's like it's currently lying in state.

Yeah.

That's right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's queues around the block.

I'm not knowing a Nissan Leaf out of principle.

I'm know-knowing it for a family of four.

It's covered.

It's covered in pigeon mess.

Maybe it's time.

So what are the...

Let's just get into the Petri dish of options.

Speaking of going hybrid,

because of I'm trying to lower my emissions, but I also have range anxiety.

Right.

London's one of the most polluted cities in Europe, so I want to do my bit, but I do have range anxiety, and I do like to drive to Carmarthenshire to visit my parents.

Because I'm about to re-lease as well, so I'm actually interested in this as well, John.

So I don't think I'm going to go full electric, but I also

want to do my bit, John.

The thing I will miss most about the Volkswagen Barley of X was that it was so parkable because it was small and I could get it into a space that was as big as it.

So, a bigger car, even though we do need a bigger car, I will miss the

options having such a small car.

I've never missed that in a slightly larger car

because they're not actually as much larger as you think.

Mine is only 20 centimeters longer than the Fabia.

Oh, okay.

And it's, you know, so it's that much longer and it's an it's classed as an SUV.

Okay, okay.

Maybe I mean wider.

Um

okay, well this is too much info for me to take in on the fly.

I need to do a bit of research.

Okay.

Hybrid.

I wasn't expecting you to say that.

Okay.

I need to, I want to Google hybrids.

No, don't do it now.

We've we've we've got stuff.

When are you getting it for?

You need it emergency.

This is why you should have taken my advice and got rid of it so you didn't find yourself in this situation.

Yeah, but I

loved the puddle of eggs.

Yeah, but you could anyway, anyway, anyway.

Different people have different

ways of doing different needs and different ways of doing things.

I think we're the only podcast that's said goodbye to two cars

on air.

Because remember, we spent Top Gear have a podcast?

No, I don't think they did.

Certainly not in the golden era.

Because you, you said a sad farewell to the fab, didn't you?

Yeah, yeah, we did a big time.

We did a seven-minute package on it.

We did.

Seven minutes.

So, okay.

Well, lots of updates needed.

Lots of googling needed.

So you haven't actually bought a new car yet, so you currently don't have a car.

No.

Very good, very good.

How are you, John?

What?

How are you?

Haven't got time for that, Dave.

It's time for.

I missed my park run PB by four seconds.

Oh.

Due to a congested starting area.

Well, then that's not your fault.

I know it's not my fault.

Also, Also, annoyingly, my watch only registered 4.99 kilometers, so it didn't update any of my stats for 5ks because you can't adjust it once it's been recorded.

So you're 10 meters short.

Yeah, well, in theory,

you can edit the stats.

You can edit the stats in the app for the watch day, but if you've tied that towards certain other apps,

you can't go back, you can't change it, which is mad.

Why is it always mad?

It's just anyway, and we're fine, and we're calm

and we're making progress.

So,

a population of 3.1 million people with a strong sense of connection in their hearts.

But can Ellis James tap into that sense and make a connection with a fellow Welsh person?

Let's find out in the Cymru connection.

It's another Cymru connection.

Ellis thinks his tactics are sheer perfection,

But his questions have one direction.

Where did you go to school?

Do you know Daffy Levins?

No.

Come on, mate.

You must do no.

We've never met

at all.

We've had an email.

Hello, my furry little gentleman.

Not happy with that.

We're some of the least hairy men in the UK.

We are, actually.

Aren't we?

I'm not even gone much into my armpits.

Madness.

Yeah, no, no.

Ellis is connected.

We all are.

When he started this journey, he played on vibes and instinct.

Linking like a Cantonal Maradona or a Deli Alley in his palm.

Unthinking and with spectacular, over 50% of the time, results.

In recent weeks, despite the last two, every flick and trick Ellis has tried has led him down a blind alley.

Who's this from?

The crowd is booing and they are skeptical.

Is this from Heda Sickform at my old school?

He must find form.

He will find form and here's how.

He needs to be more Claude Machale.

He needs to be more Mason Mount.

He needs to be more Sergio Busquetz.

Busquets, what player he was, yeah.

He needs to be more Ben Davies.

Oh yes.

Discipline is needed and a list of bloody written down questions.

Yes, sorry, I have my car broke down this week.

Attached is a PDF of some positive affirmations and some prompt questions.

They're not perfect, but they are a start.

Ellis, do you want me to talk you through your positive affirmations?

Oh, yes, please.

You are skibbedy.

Oh, thanks.

Get your res on.

Yeah, yeah, always.

If you like stopping, go faster, Zapotec.

What's that mean?

Oh, right, right, right, right, right.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, sorry.

If you feel like stopping, go faster.

Okay.

More questions, more quickly.

Who said that?

Me, I think.

You have value.

Thank you.

Everyone in the world is connected by six degrees of separation anyway

yeah apparently

um and a list of questions uh for you

uh there so you can go through them that's your like little question template

this this is actually helpful because i've needed to write this stuff down for a year yeah

yeah i'm an instinct player yeah you shouldn't have an electric car

they won't charge it for a year are you interested in or know anyone related to it?

This is good, good, good, good, good.

Thank you.

This is nice.

Yeah, you're happy.

That's from Rory.

Thank you, Rory, very much.

Thank you, Rory.

Last week, Ellis was able to build on his comeback success and string a brace of connections together.

He seemed to be all out at sea, not knowing not one, but two places in Wales.

Yeah, I wasn't quite sure where Clan Harden was either.

Sorry.

And then out of nowhere, he made a connection via Rodri Vineyard.

Q Lims.

It was.

The words, that was Beckham, drifted around the studio.

It was magic.

That connection took Ellis's rate to 47%.

He's creeping back up to that magic one-in-two connections.

Let's see if Ellis can continue this good form and put a hat-trick on the board.

We have a caller on the line from Wales.

Hello.

Hi there.

The clock has 60 seconds on it.

Hello to the clock, actually.

Oh, that's nice.

Let's play Cymru Connection.

Ellis, your time starts now.

School and age?

I'm 35.

I'm into Penglice, but I'm very much Penweather Gadjacent.

Oh, SFC is?

Uh, no.

Garamon Kerra?

Oh,

no.

Okay, what do you do for living?

I'm a musician.

Oh, what's your band called?

Well, I played a band called Lazy Habits.

Oh, do you know the voice from the Mest?

From the Mest?

Uh, no.

Uh, okay, Melo Wynn, the comedian.

No.

Come on, mate.

Um.

Okay, where do you live?

I live in London, in Greenwich, but I live in Cardiff for a long time.

Oh, um, uh, Mark Foley, Bernie from Music Box.

Uh, well, I know I know of my family box.

Oh, okay, uh, Cholu works in club.

No, I'd stick with Anna.

Oh, all right, then.

Um, Ariella runs the art gallery.

Yeah, art

centre.

Was that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, there we go.

Good.

A bit of prompting there.

I didn't.

That's fine.

Also,

I was having the Pier Novelli protocol in my earphone, so I was sitting in the end there, which is incredibly off-putting.

So I think I deserved more time, actually.

You need it!

Interestingly, having been provided with a sort of crib sheet of questions, Ellis immediately closed his eyes.

What's your name, mate?

It's Tom.

Ah, that was it.

That was it, Tom, and you're 35.

I'm trying to think of the name of the sound man at Abreastwood Arts Centre who was about your age, who went to Pen Grice, and I can't remember his name, even though I've done Milton Kigs there, that's getting on my nerves.

Never mind,

uh, Ellis.

I think it was Ellis, actually.

Um, so who was who was the connection?

Talk us through the connection.

It was Arielle, who

I think still runs, but is about to retire Abrust with

Art Centre, right?

So I've done lots of gigs there.

But if you've ever performed in Abrust with, you know, Ariel, yeah, she's been there for years.

Yes, she's amazing at her job, the people she gets there.

Okay, that was good.

That felt good.

It's a good connection.

You um Don Ado Va Galman Keiro, explain.

Yeah, I mean,

I remember the name, but

I don't know.

I saw his face, I'm sure.

Oh, yeah, Galmon.

Yeah, it's not enough.

Yeah, it's not.

I don't think it's enough.

But it's okay.

It's a hat-trick of connections.

It is.

And this is what we build on.

Penglice adjacent.

So you must be maybe hitting 48, 49%.

You don't happen to know my auntie Peg, who's living on Northroad, do you?

No.

No, that's fine.

She used to love the shop peacocks.

Are there any others before we let you go?

Yeah,

well, May Live James would probably be

Racehorses and Radio Luxembourg.

I used to be in bands with him when I was younger.

Oh, did you?

He was

a very talented bloke.

Yeah, amazing.

Amazing.

One of the first games I went to, actually, Radio Luxembourg.

Oh, yeah, I see.

Harley's and Abba.

I

feel

like

my lungs are full of hot honey again.

So thank you.

Thank you very much for calling.

It's a successful connection for Ellis.

Congratulations, Ellis.

This is Basbull Cum Reconnecting.

It is.

Sucks.

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We the man to be home.

Winner, best score.

We the man to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We the man to be quiet.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

I feel good, lungs full of hot honey.

That said, hasn't been a perfect week.

My beloved car, my 2010 Volkswagen Badel of X, is no more.

It was written off by a mechanic called Dan.

On the phone.

On the phone.

No, no, no, no.

Because his brain is too hot.

No, no, no.

That's a different thing.

This was the roadside assistance man.

So I need to buy a new car.

However, it was a much-loved old car.

Can I choose your new car?

I'll give you three options.

You can give me three options.

Okay, I'll have that ready for next week.

I think it's time we heard another eulogy, Div.

Yeah, we've got

is from my friend Anne, who was lucky enough to have several lifts in the Volkswagen bottle of eggs.

Yeah, so I kind of knew Izzy and Ellis were going to be friends for life, and I noticed that on the outside of their silver golf windows grew some algae, a little bit lichen, like a whole little ecosystem, maybe even bits of moss where you have the little fronds growing upwards on the windows of their car.

and i thought oh thank god someone else with shameful car hygiene because we also on our car had lichen and moss growing on the outsides of the windows and so basically we kind of both had little portable ecosystems on our cars which was quite sweet

Good for the environment?

Yes,

also disgusting.

The only time I was ever embarrassed was I drove to a big funeral and I drove in and all the mourners were outside.

Yeah.

And when I drove into the car park, like Onslow from keeping up appearance.

He was very like that.

A lot of people came to me like, what's happened?

And I said, what do you mean?

They said, the state of your car, you had a crush on the way to the funeral.

I said, no, that's just my car.

And I thought that was bad for the optics.

I thought.

I've been driving since 1998.

It's just, it is a vehicle to get me from A to B.

That's the thing.

I've just never...

I care more about my bike.

You wouldn't say that about your shoes, would you?

You say, oh, they just get me from A to B if they were covered in like dog mess and hair.

Exactly.

It's just something about cars I don't care about.

That's fine.

I'm actually quite particular about my shoes.

Yes, you are.

Quite particular about my bike.

Yes, you are.

I'm not particular about my car, and I apologise, John.

Good.

Well, you're going to be particular about your next car.

So it's going to be Johnny J.

I recommended.

Okay.

I'll also look into the tax implications.

Oh, thanks.

But now it's time to play a made-up game.

Yes.

Give me a just give me a.

I want to Google cars, Dave.

I know you do, John, but we do need to think about that this.

I can't concentrate until I've looked at cars.

No, because you won't do it properly, then you'll regret looking at a car.

What do you mean I won't do it properly?

I mean, right this second, you won't be

able to devote enough time to doing it properly.

Dave isn't saying that you don't know how to Google things, you're the best googlers there is.

You should seem googling things on YouTube.

He's a searching assassin, isn't he?

I am.

Game, made-up game, ready?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good.

This jingle again, because it was great, is from Jono.

It was first played last week.

Let's enjoy it.

When you won it, Catan, I threw the toys from the pram

and chucked the whole game in the sea.

I need something new.

These are all the same

My wordles curdled and my cryptic is driving me insane

I need to play a made-up game Made up game Made up game

Straight from the listeners games Made up game

There really are the business games Made up games, made up games

With John Robbins and Alice James

Lovely stuff

We're ready to rock it just keeps getting better that I love it every week.

We play a game that's made up by our listeners.

It's a different game every week scores on the doors

after Ellis's tiebreak victory last week.

John is 30-15 up.

1-0.

Is it 1-love or 1-0?

When you're talking about games into tennis, I think you'd say 1-up.

1-up.

1-0.

1-0.

No, you wouldn't.

I don't think you would.

I think you'd say 1-love.

One love up in in games one love

yeah uh this week's game comes from charlie in oxford hello my lovely little poached eggs

i'm a 27 year old history teacher and therefore very cool and down with the kids much like yourself i like charlie yeah and there's nothing uh as sick fam as knowing your dates and chronologies that is sick fam uh so john don't be looking at cars Don't be looking at cars.

I'm not looking.

I'm just checking to see if my golden hour

may be coming late and might check my junk.

But carry on, Dave.

I'll carry on.

That's one of my jobs that I would do if comedy hadn't worked out as Street Teacher.

But I would be bad.

No, you'd be good.

You'd be related.

I think the kids would like me, but I would be a bad teacher.

Yeah, oh, yeah, they wouldn't learn a thing.

No, no, no, of course not.

Yeah,

we'd have a good love.

So I present to you a game based on famous historical events.

You're welcome, Alice.

She says, it's called...

Date me.

The rules are.

Are you listening, John?

Yes, it's called Date Me.

The rules are, are you listening, John?

It's just even when you are paying attention, this is the bit where you usually go, I'm sorry, Dave, I'm completely zoned out for the last five minutes.

And you were on your phone, so I'm just checking.

I'm just checking.

I've got you.

What is it?

He's back in the room.

He's put his phone on.

Broadcasting with Terry Wogan.

The rules are as follows.

We give you three events that took place in the same year.

You'll have to guess which year these events took place.

You get 10 points for being spot on, then 9 for being one year out, 8 points for being 2 years out, etc., and 0 if you're over a decade out in terms of the three events that took place in a certain year.

Both players get the chance to double their points by putting the events in the correct order as well.

Oh, that they happen throughout the year.

It's a nice twist.

For example, Dave gives you the following three events.

The showing of the first episode of The Sopranos, Manchester United win their first treble,

and music website Napster was launched.

The year would, of course, be 1997.

If Ellis had said 1997, you'd be two years out, which means you get eight points.

John, he said 1999.

Well done, John.

So that means you'd have got 10.

I'd like to get maximum points in this hypothetical.

Just to kind of give him a

pen.

I am not good with years.

There, that's all I needed to say, but I'm not excited for the game.

I'm not good with thinking.

But in that regard, you'd have got 10 points, John.

So the correct order of those events, let me finish Ellis with the example.

The correct order would be Sopranos,

10th of Jan.

Manchester United, 26th of May.

And then the final one would have been the launch of Napster, 1st of June.

That bit is tricky, but it's part of the game.

Part of the game.

I'm not finished with the example, Ellis.

Ellis gets the correct order.

So his eight points, what do they become, Ellis?

80.

16.

Thank you, John.

Thank you.

Whereas John got it wrong, so you remain on 10.

So you can win the first part of the game and then suddenly be behind

if you don't get the second part of the game.

You don't

lose points if you go for the order and get it wrong.

No, you can't see them as two separate things in the safe.

Can I have my pen, please, Dave, back?

Yes, thank you.

For extra fun, instead of simply asking the questions, Dave can simply say, Ellis and John date me.

Okay, I'm happy to do that.

Yeah, that's nice.

I hope you all enjoy Charlie in Oxford.

Thanks, Charlie.

It's a great game.

Yeah, it's a good game.

So, are we ready?

Round one.

Yeah.

In which year did the following events take place?

Yuri Gagarin becomes the first human to enter outer space.

The farthing coin, worth a quarter of a penny, ceases to be legal tender in the United Kingdom.

Construction begins on the Berlin Wall.

Well, obviously, Ellis knows that.

Ellis and John.

I've actually read six books on that recently.

Let me have my fun.

Ellis and John, date me.

Scribble the year and then scribble the order at the same time.

You may as well do both at once.

Oh, yeah, the order.

Yeah.

Big time.

What was it?

Gagarin, Berlin Wall.

What What was the other one?

Farthing.

Ceasing to be legal tender.

Okay.

Ellis is in.

Hmm.

Tricky.

Okay.

Yeah.

I always mix up my likers, like of the dog, with Gagas.

Are we happy?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Hit us with your answers for the year, please.

1961.

John?

I've got 62.

1961 is bang on.

So initially the points here are Ellis is on tenure on 9, John.

But it could all change with the second part of the round.

Okay.

Ellis.

Total guesswork.

Hit me with your order.

Farthing, which I'm assuming they did at the beginning of the year.

Yeah.

Gagarin.

Yeah.

Berlin Wall.

John.

Berlin.

Farthing, Gagarin.

Yeah.

Ellis has 20 points.

And great thoughts on the farthing, first of Jan.

Yeah.

Good thinking, good logic.

I thought you were saying you'd write.

Yeah, 1st of Jan.

So, 1st of Jan was the farthing.

Yuri Gagarin was April the 12th.

Construction of the building wall.

Of course, started on what date, Alice?

October somewhere?

No, August the 3rd.

So it's 29, but plenty of time.

Plenty of time.

Round two.

In which year did the following events take place?

The Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers is released and becomes the highest-grossing film of the year.

The introduction of the Euro as legal tender in many European countries.

And Avril Avril Levine releases her debut album, Let Go.

Alison, John, date me.

So we need the year, then we need the order.

Right.

Lord of the Rings, Two Towers is released.

Introduction of the Euro.

Avril Levine debut album, Let Go.

I'm not sure of the year.

I think I know, but then it doesn't tally.

I think I know one of them, but it doesn't tally with the other two.

Interesting.

Which is quite confusing, actually.

Because

I was convinced I knew one of them.

I bet you think you knew the Euro.

Yeah, but I'm now a bit concerned.

But I'm going to go for it anyway.

What could we do?

You good?

Yep.

Okay.

John.

I've gone year 2000.

Ellis.

2000.

You're both out by two years.

It was 2002.

2002.

Was it really?

Second guess.

So you're both on eight points there.

John, order me.

Euro Levine rings Ellis.

Euro rings Levine.

John has 16 points.

Oh, well done.

He's back in the game.

Well done.

Big time.

Well, my thinking there, again, Euro start of the year.

First of Jan.

Levine.

Your summer smash.

It's your summer smash.

Rings, late summer blockbuster.

Yeah, so there is logic if you think it through.

Yeah, a big film is always going to come out.

Oh, it came out on the 18th of December.

Lord of the Rings, very late.

So Levine's album came out 4th of June.

Late Summer Smash.

I remember it was dark early when we came back from the cinema to watching Fellowship of the Ring.

Great, and they've gone for a similar strategy.

Yeah.

That's nice.

I like that, I think.

The game's good and the game's funny.

I'm taking to John, though.

Nice guy.

He is a nice guy.

Once you get to know him, he's a good lad.

It takes 20 years.

People have said that no no no no no no no no no hear me up once you get to know him give him a chance give him a 20 year chance ellis 28 john 27 oh my god as we go into round three we have got five rounds too many rounds no it's great okay uh round three

in which year did the following events take place boris becker becomes the youngest man to ever win wimbledon okay

winning his first title at age 17 eastenders premieres on the bbc

The remains of the Titanic are discovered after 400 miles off the coast of Newfoundland.

Newfoundland?

Newfoundland.

Newfoundland.

Newfoundland.

Ellis and John date me.

I've got the dates.

It's good events from the production team.

I've got the date, and I have an order.

Wow.

Let's give you a bit more time.

You know, I'm not sure.

Yeah.

Well, it's Ellis first, isn't it?

It is.

But you need your answers scribbled down then.

Good.

Ellis.

Yeah, please.

1985?

John.

Also Also 85.

10 points.

10 points in the bag.

Right.

I'm going to say Titanic first.

Okay.

Boris Becker obviously would have been in July.

And then I'm singing Stenders in the autumn because it was a big show.

Okay.

John.

Enders, Becker, Tit.

It's all got written down.

It's a bit tight.

Titanic.

John has 20 points.

Oh, my God.

Wow, that's huge.

It's mad mad that both of us.

Every round, one of us has got the order rights.

Yeah, I did not see that.

What was the order?

Enders, Becca type.

So they would have started Enders sort of Jan Feb, probably.

February the 19th.

Oh.

Becca, July the 7th.

Titanic, the 1st of September.

Wow.

Huge.

Huge.

I love this game, even though I'm losing nowhere.

No, you are losing quite considerably now.

But hey, it's all pullerbackable, of course.

They're all the best games of pullerbackable.

47 47 to John, 38 to Ellis.

70.

Round four.

Trevor Francis becomes Britain's first £1 million football player.

Well, he knows that.

Who knows that?

I'm writing it down.

Moving from Birmingham City to Nottingham Forest.

The Iranian hostage crisis begins.

The 66 Americans are taken hostage.

The Deer Hunter wins five Oscars, including best picture.

Five?

I've never seen the Deer Hunter.

Oh, it's great.

Is it?

Okay.

Ellis and John dates me.

Okay.

Was it the hostages, Trevor Francis?

What was the other one?

Deer Hunter wins five Oscars.

Oh, okay.

Well, I've got an order, but I'm.

I think there's logic to the order here.

I think.

I'll try my best.

Yeah, I hope so.

Okay.

Who is it first?

John.

1980.

Ellis.

No, it's it's only nine it's 1979 so you're only a year out john so there's still points to be made here yeah 10-9 in this first part um john order oscars

yeah francis yeah and the other one the iranian hostage crisis ellis oh sugar i think i got my oscars wrong uh hostage crisis francis oscars zero points gained in that round oscars is early isn't it oh i think it was late uh no no oscars is

april yeah oh

so it's trevor francis on the oh that that threw me because i you'd have thought that would have been a summer move there was no transfer window i don't think right 70s so trevor francis february the 9th and he he was cup tied in europe wasn't he until the final right uh deer hunter april 9th and then uh the hostage crisis november the 4th

so we are on to 48 so ellis 56 to john and we did that well you uh you did but you i love this game though though.

I would lose this every week.

Yeah, I love this game.

Round five

is still puller backable.

Don't forget.

I'm Alan Partridge, premieres on BBC Two.

Radiohead released their third album, OK Computer.

Okay, Paul McCartney is knighted by the Queen.

Um,

Alison John Damien.

Now, then, Dave, what was the second one?

Radiohead, okay, computer.

Third album.

Okay.

And what was the third one, Dave?

Paul McCartney.

Okay.

Now.

I think I know the middle one.

But the other two.

It's this.

This is what it comes down to, Alice.

Think, think, think.

They have public walls of AA meetings.

Okay.

I've got my order, but I just can't wait to find out.

I love the game.

You love the format.

This, to me, is a game.

This is a game.

I hate thinking on my feet.

This is living.

I absolutely loathe word games.

Yeah.

And I hate being put under pressure.

But give me dates, Dave.

Do we get the years from both of you, please?

Ellis.

1997.

John.

1995.

He's clawing it back.

It's 1997.

So

10.8.

Very wrong.

Yeah.

So it's 10-8.

So again, you're getting close.

The order.

Down 1996,

but I read it like a five, but that's fine.

We'll have to take your answer.

You do have to take my answer.

I'm afraid.

Now I can explain my answer, my order, but I don't know.

What's the scores at the minute?

It's currently

58 to Ellis,

64 to

64 to John.

This is huge.

This is huge.

There's six points in it.

This is a game.

There's six points in it.

I've forgotten who we go to first.

I'll go first.

Go on.

I'm going to explain mine.

Yeah.

I'm assuming Maca New Year's honours list.

Okay.

Radiohead.

Now they headlined Glastonbury that year and they played tunes off Okey Computer.

and everyone knew them and that would have been obviously in the June so I'm putting them in the middle yeah I'm guessing that partridge was sort of autumn winter because it was such a big show.

So they'd have put it at the end of the year when the ratings are at their highest is my guess.

Okay, so MACA Radiohead Partridge.

Incredible drama here for the same reasoning.

It's the same order.

He can't lose MACA okay part.

He can't lose.

MACA OK PAT.

And it's heartbreaking for Alice because that is the order.

It's MACA OK part for that reason, Dave.

He did all he could do, but it wasn't enough.

That's a game.

That's a game.

I hate every other kind of game, but I don't feel daft, no.

Also, that game you can play forever.

You will never run out of dates, you'll never run out of events.

It's true.

Get Charlie on the line.

Why?

Let's link her up with Waddington's.

Oh,

well, I used to, when I used to set Pub Quizzes, I did a similar game where it was Guest of the Year, and it was someone's birth, someone's death, and an event.

Yes.

It's a lovely game.

68 to Ellis, 76 to John.

Ellis.

You would have nicked it

with one misstep from the order from John there.

The thing is, I think they're quite obvious ones.

Oh, well, stuff.

I think there's good stuff.

No, no, no.

I'm talking about the, in terms of the order.

I think that was the easiest order of the three to work.

But you need to know when people get knighted.

Yeah, you know.

Yeah, well, New Year's Honours listed.

Well, it was March 11th.

March 11th.

So there is a delay to it.

Oh, is there?

Okay.

All right, then, I take that back.

Yeah, and then May the 21st for Radiohead, and then November 4th.

Good, but again, you reasoned very well, Alan.

So did I.

I just didn't say it out loud.

Yeah, but the thing is,

John,

I very rarely reason well.

That's true.

So he's giving me praise for something I've never done before.

But you did lose.

Yeah, but I don't care.

The game won.

It didn't work.

And my lungs are still full of hot honey after company connection.

So I'm fine.

I'm glad.

Great.

Thank you, Charlie.

Good game.

Thank you, Charlie.

Well done to John.

Yeah, well done, John.

Well done, John.

Is that 40-15 in the second game of the second set?

If that was the game every week, I would run to the studio 40-15.

But then I'd regret it because it's eight miles.

Yeah, and you can currently cycle here.

Yeah, yeah, and I enjoy that.

Yeah.

Are we remembering?

Are we remembering the gods?

Yes, we've got one more eulogy, I think.

Can I Google cars while we're hearing it?

I'd like you to listen to it because it is a special one.

It is a special one.

I mean, is this what the great radio presenters do?

No, no, absolutely not.

He's doing it though, he doesn't

man runs his own race.

He's to his word, he's the man of his word.

There are two eulogies left.

I think we should hear them now.

Okay, well, yeah, do you know what?

Should we just kind of get them both?

Let's do the double.

Okay, here's uh the third of four eulogies as we remember the

wonderful car.

Oh, hello, this is Harriet Kemsley, and I just heard the sad news about Izzy and Ellis's car.

I'm so sorry to hear about it.

I'll never forget the time that me and Izzy were driving to her tour show and she pulled over to get petrol and then we drove to the gig and we arrived at the gig half an hour later to realize that Izzy hadn't put the hubcap back on the petrol thing.

I don't put the hubcap.

I really do.

This means petrol cap.

Thanks Harriet.

Lovely memory.

Lovely.

Lovely words.

It's classic Izzy though.

It is classic Izzy.

Does it come completely off?

Yeah.

Usually they're attached by a little something.

Yeah, it was attached and then that thing snapped.

It just can't be in your life anymore.

I used to have a remove when I owned a Vox, um a Voxel Nova 1991.

It was my first car actually.

And that I did a removable, completely removable petrol cap.

And I was always leaving it and I always had to buy new ones from Halford, so I ended up writing stop, think petrol cap on the uh on the steering wheel.

Um what you got range anxiety for?

Carmarthen's within range of most electric vehicles.

Uh,

okay, good.

All right, I'll buy an electric car.

Thanks.

See you later.

Well, no, no, let me choose them.

Okay, all right.

Um, and we've got some initial thoughts that could be very interesting.

We, of course, end the eulogies with um, perhaps the person that, aside from yourself, Alice, is closest to the car, am I right?

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, so uh,

we finished these moving tributes, um, and what a show for it with your wife Kitson.

The car, the car, the car, the car with no name.

Why didn't we give it a name?

It's too late to give it a name now.

The first thing that springs to mind is that we had a flower growing out of the windscreen in lockdown that grew a leaf at one point as well as the flower itself.

We used to see how much it had grown every time we we got in the car.

And even when we went to the car wash, the flower wouldn't go away.

It was like the spot in Macbeth that won't go.

And it's the car that brought both our kids back from hospital.

It's the car that I learned to drive in really since before that car we had a big car.

Beautiful.

I don't know what it was, but it had no speedometer.

Nellis used to say just try and feel how fast you're going, but that wasn't good for a new driver.

So really I consider the Volkswagen Golf the car that I learned to drive in.

It was very messy.

Although both of us stopped doing the circuit years ago we really maintained the appearance of a circuit comics car.

So the floor was basically made of old sandwich wrappers, sandwiches themselves, toys from the kids,

wrappers.

pens.

Yeah, it was good.

It was like an extra floor.

It was like a fake floor i remember i paid once for someone to come like a company to come and clean the car so they came to like the road that you live on and clean the car and ellis got back and then i went out because i felt so embarrassed about how bad it was because also that was after i'd reversed into a bollard and scraped the other side of it also by driving through a gap that wasn't really meant to be driven through to get into a car park.

And with both of them, with the bollard and this gap, I thought if I just

go forward the the gap will sort of widen as I go and that that didn't happen

so it was bad on the outside and inside and this company came to clean it but I went out so I was too embarrassed I went out all day and when Ellis came around the corner he saw a man with his head in his hands and as he got closer to the man the man said is this your car and Ellis said yes and the man said this is the hardest job I've ever had and I've been doing this job for years and I still haven't got all the dirt out of it and I've been doing it for hours.

But I just sort of think in for a penny and for a pound really,

it's only going to get dirty and messy again.

You all know about the paint incident so the only thing I've got to say about that is that it wasn't my fault and the lid wasn't on properly and that's all I'll say on that.

That's not true.

So goodbye dear car with no name.

I really really will miss the car.

I think the ashes should probably be scattered on the floor of the new car to start as we need tail on.

Oh, that's genuinely quite moving.

Very moving, especially the kids coming back from the hospital.

Yeah, my little castle.

I'm thinking Kia Sol.

John was good.

Do you know what I'm thinking?

Skoda Yeti.

I had a quick Google and I looked at Kia.

I thought it would be bad for the optics, considering the unique way the BBC is funded if the three of us drove a Kia Tar.

What about a Skoda Yeti?

How big is that?

It's a silly name, isn't it?

It is a silly name.

Don't call your car a Yeti.

It's adjacent to the Kia Sol.

It's not as big as an SUV.

Okay.

I do want an SUV.

It's won a lot of awards.

It is.

Okay.

It is big.

It looks, it is, I don't know if that's an Ellis car.

Well, the looks, if you can get past the looks, Dave, you've got yourself an award-winning car.

I can't go.

Considering Ellis has been looking at car-growing moss for 10 years, it would be pretty rich of him to be put off by a car's appearance, may I be so bold as to say.

Yeah, you can be.

Fair enough.

It wasn't moss, it was lichen.

Yeah.

Lichen.

You go and do your research, John.

Yes.

You can see he's chomping at the bits.

You get benefit-in-kind tax on

electric vehicles has just been increased to 3%.

4% from April.

4% from April.

And then 5%.

Four months is it?

No, July.

Yeah.

Okay.

Interesting.

Yeah, the benefit in kind is interesting.

Also, quite confusing.

It's a very confusing.

Oh, I love that.

That's good.

You love confusion, don't you?

Oh, especially when it comes to tax.

Yeah.

Love to be on sort of shaky ground.

Oh, yeah.

Not know what I'm doing.

No.

My accountant did explain to me benefit-in-kind tax on cars, and it did take quite a while for it to sink in.

It's whether it weighs up against the money you will save from it being an expense.

On the account.

If you've VAT registered, you can also claim the VAT back from a lease.

Can you?

Yeah.

Yeah, okay, that makes sense.

God, we are a good laugh.

We are a laugh.

We are a

laugh.

Hello to our young listeners.

Yeah.

Hello to Skibbidy to our young listeners.

Some of your listeners are 11.

And, you know, you pay skibbody benefit in kind tax.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But thanks.

I'm just going to walk into a vehicle.

I'm just going to walk into a dealership and riz with someone.

Yeah.

Okay.

That was lovely.

Well, rest in peace.

Rest in peace.

We got time for a Shane Well.

We've got time for a Shane Well because there are some belters in the pack there are some belters in the pack do send your shame wells to ellisandjohn at bbc.co.uk yeah um let's dive on in

what was i thinking why did i say he had nice ankles she was stood behind me the whole time i didn't know he's only got one hand i was signed in on her gmail

john's shame well

this week's shame well is very prescient for me me because I have some small amount of shame from a similar incident.

Okay.

Because, I mean, this shame will turns out worse.

But last night I was gigging in Brighton at the Brighton Comedy Garden

with Ed Gamble,

Rosie Jones, Stephen Bailey, and Thor Stenhaug.

And Will Briggs, who books the gigs, who's lovely, always wants to take a little photie of all the acts that you put on his social media.

He loves it.

He likes to come up with different situations in which the acts can be.

For example, all stood on a ladder, all in a stairwell,

or lying down in a cool way.

He suggests that I should have Rosie Jones on my shoulders.

I, before in my head, process the health and safety assessment, think this is going to make me look really strong and cool.

And everyone's going to think I'm a big muscle man.

Anyway, so we're standing by the tent and I sort of crouch down and I think, we're not getting Rosie on my shoulders.

That's overambitious.

I think I'll just get her on my back, give her a piggyback.

So I lean back, grab Rosie, but then...

I forget that because she's got cerebral palsy, she can't jump on my back.

So I try to just like pick her up and squat lift her and basically throw her into a tent.

We both fall.

She falls back into the side of the tent.

I fall on top of her, accidentally touch her, boob.

It's just a complete nightmare.

But it's all whilst the photos were being taken.

Yes, and I think actually they then took a photo of us while I'm lying down on the floor, sort of looking embarrassed and sweaty.

Well, it sounds like classic Robins.

It's classic Robins.

Let me see if it's there.

I haven't been tagged in it.

He'll always, that's how unbalancing it is.

He will always put being a muscle man ahead of health and safety.

Here Here we go.

Let's have a look at the photo.

Oh, we do look like we're having a bit of fun, don't we, Dave?

It's a good bunch.

It's a good bunch of eggs.

Nice linen.

Yeah.

Good.

Right.

Okay, so this week's Shamewell's semi-spoiler alert for the shame, but

we're in those realms.

The year was 1998.

The location was the epicentre of academia, that being the University of Derby.

In the first week of a new shared house in the second year of university, it was a difficult time, meeting new housemates, trying to find common ground and trying not to act like a complete wagon.

That's very good.

About a week in, we were all starting to know each other and found ourselves in the common room discussing a very prickly subject, your friend and mine, the subject of love.

We were going around the room talking about if we'd ever been in love.

As each individual spoke, I was getting nervous.

Had I been in love?

Well, no, not really.

I hadn't hadn't even, well, you know,

had any

been with anyone.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Nor fallen in love with them.

When the conversation turned to me, what would I say?

I didn't know what to do.

I could feel myself sweating both on the outside and inside of my body.

I mean, I could just say, no, I've never been in love and move on, but it's hardly going to impress my new housemates, is it?

The moment came.

So,

Neymar adacted, have you ever been in love?

This is the point where I wish those nerdy science buffs, with their Bunsen burners and test tubes, could not only evaporate shame, but sail it out to sea and drop it in a place where it cannot be remembered.

Unfortunately, this shame remains.

This is what I said.

Have I ever been in love?

Huh.

Women fall in love with me all the time, because women like men to be men, and men like women to be women.

Do you know what I mean?

Now, I have to say, I didn't know what I meant.

Instead of leaving it there, I did something something that has now spouted from a bad idea into a forest of shame.

I went to pick up one of my female housemates and jokingly pretended I was going to carry her to my bedroom as if we were a newly married couple crossing the threshold.

This joke went badly wrong.

Quite quickly, as I was carrying my housemate, I tried to open the door.

Whilst doing this, my balance went and I tripped on a chair leg and went flying into a large window.

Oh my.

The glass smashed and our momentum carried on.

Very quickly, I realized there was a 30-foot drop to the concrete floor below.

In an act of heroism on my part, not that anyone realised it at the time, I grabbed and held onto my housemate's hair to make sure she didn't plummet and fall.

Nice.

After holding onto her hair and bringing us both back to safety, we were covered in blood.

Oh, my lord.

Her injuries were significantly worse than mine.

So we took a trip to Derby AE where I sat in the hospital waiting room and her French boyfriend Pierre sat opposite me looking at me with utter disapproval.

Some cuts and bruises and a few stitches later, and she was fine.

Why had I done this?

What was my reasoning?

I was just trying to be cool and quirky.

Instead, I came across as unhinged, and after being landed with a £180 bill from a glazier's in Derby, copious amounts of apologies for the rest of the year, thankfully, we completed our university without a further hitch.

In fact, she invited me to her wedding.

And no, I didn't tell her husband how I'd already carried his new bride over the threshold years before.

Rid me of this shame, John.

That's big.

That's a big one.

Because there's injury.

And it's the.

You are desperate in those situations for your injuries to be worse than the person

who didn't give consent to be lifted up like a bride.

And yes, and also...

Whenever in your mind you're imagining lifting someone,

it's always easier than you think.

it's never it never involves folding through glass it never involves folding through glass

people all people are heavy

and they're not like when i think in my head oh i can deadlift 120 kilos that's in a sort of a a machine or an item specifically designed to be convenient to lift people are legs people are arms people are bums yeah and jeans and jeans and bras and tops and tummies yeah oh my god that's why you don't deadlift people in gyms.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you know what though?

She forgave him.

Invited to the wedding?

So in that regard, you got away with it.

It's just a funny story in a way.

It's a funny, disturbing story.

I'd like to know if she's scarred.

Because stitches tend to leave a scar.

Imagine saying,

oh.

Where'd you get that scar from?

You know, when you're sort of early dating someone, you go, well,

it's a strange story.

A man tried to prove that women fell in love with him and that women like men to be men by picking me up and failing to do that and then dropping me through a window, nearly causing my death, but then saving me, but causing me injury.

Or imagine a minute before he did it saying, right, in about 60 seconds, I'm going to fail to lift you up, fall through a window, hold on to your hair, and then you're going to end diving stitches.

She would say, please don't do that.

Yeah, please don't do that.

I don't agree to that.

It's a great shame when it comes to it.

It is.

It is.

It's weird.

That's the thing.

It's weird.

It's 67 years ago.

Yes, it is.

Everyone's moved on.

She's married.

Yeah.

You know, they'll be in their mid to late 40s now, I would imagine.

We've all grown as people since 1998.

Yeah.

So that's fine.

But that's a big one for me.

That's a big one.

That's a big.

I hate to drop a woman out of a window.

Yes.

I would hate it.

I would hate it.

That's going to be on the list of all the things I don't want to do in my life.

Yeah.

And because of the way your mind thinks, you're one of the luck.

You've never done it to my knowledge.

No, I did once carry my girlfriend when I was at uni.

She had her knees over my shoulders.

Like she was, so she was head down with back to back.

Just a wrestling move.

Yeah, and I just dropped her on a concrete floor accidentally because I didn't have enough strength.

Because people are heavier than you think and they're not designed to be lifted.

That's why you have sleepless nights.

Yeah, it's bad.

Right.

Okay.

Good laugh.

Good laugh.

See you next week.

Email EllisonJohn at bbc.co.uk and vote for us in Listener's Choice of the British Podcast Awards.

Yeah, why not?

Now.

Thank you very much for downloading.

Goodbye.

Sucks!

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.