#451 - OG Guffer, Rodders (A) and The Man Is Your Husband

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Hello everyone and welcome to Ellis James and John Robbins on a Friday or what's left of it.

Because Dave and Ellis have been sharing all their top goss and anecdotes.

They've been blathering away like two old hens, pecking at the corn of fact and opinion, leaving me to steer the ship solo, I would imagine. What do you mean? Well because you're all chatted out.

No, we're not. Yeah, Ellis has said what the colours of his top mean, which was going to be our big reveal on the Cara.
I've got several big reveals ready for today, John.

Well, you'd better have, young man. Yeah.
Why, what's up to you? You look

ashen, John. What's going on?

I got back quite late last night from... From Litchfield.
No, from Brighton. From Brighton.
Because I'm a circuit warrior, as you know. Yeah, yeah.

And I had my sixth gig of the year. And it's only July.
Good God.

the old just over one a month routine.

But I like to pack them all into quite a short space of time in the summer when I'm quite stressed. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It just works. It just works.
That's how I get into flow state. Is it new content?

No. No.
A little bit, actually. No, no.
He's comparing. He believes in the riff.
He backs the riff. I back the riff.
You do back the riff.

And I did ask a gentleman to last night to get involved in a riff matrix with me. Yeah.
But it hit a dead end.

No way. Yeah,

he worked in a very worthy sphere. Because a member of the general public didn't know what you meant when

you said, enter into a riff matrix. I said, mate, let's enter into a riff matrix.
Where do you work? He said, I make dinner for people who have dementia. And then we just stopped talking.

John Robbins is the best compere in Britain. Not my words, the words of chortle.co.uk.
It's just slash f. No, we didn't stop talking.

I made a few humorous,

humorous comments and and then a donation.

What?

Well, I'll have guilt. Not live, did it on the way home.
You got your PayPal out?

Uh, yeah,

I said I will donate a portion of my fee. You should have done that live on.
That would have been good comment.

I would have gotten standing out for you. What, like typing in all my details like dead air? No, you'd have had to have gone to get your card.

It could have been funny. And then you'd have been running around like Annika Rice going, I'm just looking for my wallet.
Don't worry about it. I'm going to make the donation.
What is the work?

What's the worst, you know, when you're riffing, when you're in Rift City? Hang on, let me just get into Riff, mate. Yep, okay.
And you ask someone what their job is as a comedian, as two comedians.

Well,

one in Welsh. Welsh people have jobs.
Yes, they do. What's the best job, and what's the worst job that you're hoping for in that scenario?

Well, Ellis has got far fewer options because he's talking to Welsh language speakers. So he's got ministers in chapels,

preachers, and farmers.

I was doing a gig in Verlin Bach

and I said to a couple, I asked a couple where they were from, and I think they were from Swansea. I said, What do you do for a living? She said, Oh, I'm a primary school teacher.

And he said, What do you do? And he said, I'm an accountant. I said, Has your house got a bay window? And they said, Yes.
And I went, What a lovely family. I just left it.

And that's the good stuff you're hoping for.

Is that that matrix? That's what happens when you are retired from stand-up and work mainly in the audio arena. It got a big laugh, did it? I just said, you're a nice family.

But that's what your mum would say. Exactly.
But I don't look like my mum's, so it was surprising.

I would say when I first started, it was like terror if someone didn't have an amusing job. Well, do you just keep asking people until someone went vaguely interested in that?

When you did the comedy box in Bristol, and Russell Hubbard went to watch you, and that's what you did, because the first few people in the front row didn't have comedic jobs.

so you just moved on yeah um whereas now dave i'm confident enough that i can extract humor from any riff yeah he backs the riff i back the riff dave um so where where how are we staggering these reveals of ellis's then well i'm just in a good mood

because i've got big stuff happening and big stuff has happened what did i do last friday night Oh, that's right. I went to see Olivia Rodrigo at Hyde Park.

Rodders away.

And it was. Where's home for Rodders?

LA? America. Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Rodders Away, Hyde Park, absolutely fantastic.

I've got to be honest,

I thoroughly enjoyed it. I think she's brilliant.
My daughter had one of the best days of her life, I would say.

After about five seconds, though, I kept comparing her stage show and her stage manner to what we're going to do in our tour. And I suddenly now think that what we do is severely lacking.

It's different.

So, for instance, what we need to do is have an enormous screen that costs about 50 grand, and then John will wear a short skirt on a tightrope on a big graphic, and then he'll fall off the tightrope and then just appear on stage, and the crowd will go absolutely mad.

And then you do your first big hit.

Is there a way of doing that for someone who's not entirely keen on heights? Well, it was a graphic. She's like come on doing an enormous tug of war.
Yeah, maybe. It was like a video that they'd made.

Oh, okay.

So the video was on the screens of her on a tightrope and then she's falling. She's like, oh, no.

And then suddenly she just appears and she goes straight into like deja vu. Wow, it was great.

I mean, it's interesting because a lot of stuff knocking around my social media about very expensive ticketing at the minute. Yes.
And I think understandably so.

However, the cost of putting on shows now compared to when it was just bands with amps that you couldn't see from the back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is it extraordinary? Yes.

Like, you know, when I went to see,

I don't know, the Superfurry Animals at a rock festival in the field of Fostrasol, they didn't have Pyro.

Well, when Claudio Rodrigo had Pyro, Rodders has fireworks. When Queen played under the lighting that became known as the Pizza Oven,

it was sort of groundbreaking, but just because it has lots of bulbs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There were lots of lights. Yeah, like Rodders, there was a helicopter.

One thing I want you to be doing at Glasgow King's Theatre, John, is going up to a camera and kissing it and blowing a kiss at the audience. Oh, I'll do that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always do that.

I think that would. Then do I sign it like John Daly? Yeah, yeah.
And then what you do,

before one of your big songs, I want you to say, right,

I want you to think about the person who makes you angriest. The person who drives you mad.
The person who doesn't understand you. The person who ruins your life.
Think about the person.

No, let it all out. Scream.
And everyone screams. Betty's going, dad.

Dance. Because that's a loser.
And he made me queue for 40 minutes for a brisket bun.

So what's the experience? It was it in Hyde Park? Hyde Park, 50,000 people. Qs for merch, huge.
Qs for a Japanese poke bowl, an hour and 10 minutes. No way.
Queues for a pint of prony, 10 seconds.

Really? Really?

Oh, great.

I heard the hoodies were 80 quid. Yes, there was.

There's a Rodder's denim jacket that's £140.

That's two. So I bought two for myself.
Yeah, of course.

I'd not been. The last time I went to see

last time I went to see a gig at Hyde Park was Blur about 10 years ago. And the vibe was very different because obviously everyone was drunk.
There were an awful lot of dads with their daughters.

I stood next to one bloke who said, Listen, cards on the table, mate. I'm the oldest bloke here who's not here with his daughter.
Okay, but I just really like the tunes. Oh, that's quite sweet.

And he is.

I was sweet and fine.

He loved it.

I really liked the real music dads who are walking around with their daughters. So the daughter will be wearing an Olivia Rodrigo t-shirt.
The Miriam Music Dad, Fontaine's DC. Yeah.

Just to show, I actually like real music. So I'm not here because I like the Olivia Rodrigo.
I'm here because I listen to Sig's music and I actually like taking teens pretty seriously. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, all jokes aside about...

You as a dad. Yeah.
You must be dad of the year at the minute, given the experiences you're giving to your daughter. You don't do well.
Well, you're doing well.

And I'm doing well because we're off to... Does she respect him, Dave? No.
She respects me more than my son. She's using him.
Does she? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got big problems with me.

Yeah, I can't kiss him without him saying boundaries. That's fair.

I just

love the boy and he's six. Yeah, you want to be a kid.

Yeah, but he's allowed to assert his own boundaries. I mean, he has done.

I think you want your kids to welcome a kiss from the parents. Well, it's not all about you, Dave.
No, it's not. But it is, you know, it's also bad when he does it in public.

Boundaries, dad, come on, mate. We're in

Tesco. You don't need to kiss him in Tesco.

I like to kiss John.

Yeah, I sometimes wonder whether I'm overly affectionate towards my kids. Like,

am I mollycoddling them? Because I bloody love them. They're great.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But then you kind of think,

am I overdoing it? Yeah.

Is there such a thing as too much love? But yes.

Yeah, is there? Yeah. Damn it.
The cue for merch, huge. Q for food, massive.
Q for beer, very short. There were some women,

young women in the sort of early 20s, big Rodders fans, who loved the fact that my daughter was having such a good time in Sing-along. And they included her there.

So they were singing with her and they were dancing with her. It was really, really nice.

One thing happened. I didn't realize this until we got home.
She didn't tell me. She got told off by an older woman for singing.
No way, you're out of your mind. That is true.
At the gig. At the gig.

She didn't tell me. She didn't tell me it had happened.

I could see this older woman talking to her, and I thought they were talking about the songs because I was slightly behind. So she had a great time.

And then we got home and we were just talking about the gig, and

we were listening to some, you know, listening to her music. Both of us were like buzzing, couldn't go to sleep.
Yeah. And she said, oh, yeah, the woman with the brown hair told me off a singer.

She turned around and said,

I really like that you like the music as much as me, but I have paid to hear her song. Oh, God.
No, I'm writing to my MP.

That's outrageous. I know.

I know.

But she didn't tell me. So

I didn't know this until we were at home. Who does that? She's 10.
It's not Carol's at King's.

Also, like, Oasis is.

Yeah, Oasis is doing their first night in Cardiff tonight.

Can you imagine telling some drunk bloke? Excuse me, mate. I've actually paid to hear Liam sing cigarettes and alcohol.
So could you keep it down?

When I told someone off at Van Morrison live at Westonbert Arboretum, it was for talking very loud during the the summer. I think that's different.
Good. Yeah.

Because he was shouting to his friends in a drunk way. What was he shouting? Oh, nothing to do with the music.
He was just like, oh, yeah, so back then, you know, when

I met Annie, he's such a great guy. And like Van Morrison's singing about 20 feet ahead of us.
Yeah. That was mad.
I went to see Steve Malcolmus.

And an Irish man turned to me and said, I'll give you 20 pounds if you knock your man out.

I went to see Steve Malcolm on his first British tour off the pavement at Split Up at the Shepherd's Bush Empire over 20 years ago. And that's the one where all the dads wear their pavement.
Yes.

Yeah, yeah. In fact, I did that.
A bit embarrassing. But anyway,

but it was quite a quiet midweek London crowd, apart from this one extremely drunk guy who kept shouting, this is perfect!

It's perfect!

It's so perfect!

And I thought, do I tell him off?

No.

If it's lasting longer than that, I think you do. He was a big lump.
I think it's okay to have a moment of ecstasy and reverie. Yeah.
Yeah. He had about an hour of ecstasy.
That's Snow Cool.

That's a Snokeer. Me and my dad got told off.
We went towards the National together. And we hadn't seen each other for a few weeks.
So, my dad's a talker. Oh, Dave, you can't be angry.

He's an enthusiastic man. But it was one of these, it was awkward because we were chatting away.
And I was kind of aware that we were chatting away. Showing the songs.
Yeah, a little bit.

A little bit.

What are we talking about? Dad doesn't go too many gigs. So

he's not really in tune with the etiquette. Oh, we have timber and stuff.

The state of the timber industry. So he's not really there.
How's mum? Yeah. He's not there.
Has she cleared from her shingles yet? Stuff like that.

So,

and then someone whispers to me,

mate, can you just keep it down? And I felt that, but

I hadn't got to the point of telling dad. And dad kept talking.
And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, sure,

dad, shush, now dad. On antibiotics.

But he didn't realise that I had been been told off, so he kept going. And eventually, I was like, Dad, I've just been rollicked by this guy.

But you can just say, Dad, I think we need to stop talking now because the kick starts. I should have done, but I'm too polite to my dad, because he was just enjoying chatting to me.

There's two functional families here on show. You all need to go into therapy for too much love, too much acceptance.
She brought on too much encouragement.

She brought on a special guest, Ed Sheeran. Oh, I saw that.
Yeah. Crowdwin absolutely ballistic.
Yeah, he's big. Very good.
So how many more big reveals have we got from you?

Well, I've got to Switzerland to watch

the Euros this evening. We're playing the Netherlands tomorrow.
And I cannot wait. The only person,

like Izzy, is a fantastic actress. What an actor.
She's great in everything she does. The one thing she cannot act

is

any interest in sport that I like.

So I will say to her this. Well, because she hasn't learnt her lines.
No.

Tell me where to stand, tell me what to say.

So she will, oh, I'd be like, oh my god, I mean, so

they've come so close so many times, but finally, they've reached a major tournament. It's not just about being in the tournaments, but a legacy for women's sport in Wales.

You know, think about all the girls, they're going to feminise

facilities, they're going to increase resources. It's just going to be so exciting.
Obviously, it's a group of deaf, but you know, Jess Fishlog is still a world-class player, I think.

And she said to me last night, wow, that sounds so good. I'm really pleased for you in that tone.
Yeah. And it's okay.
I think it's okay for her to be open about things she's not interested in.

Well, I'd rather that than actually feigning interest, I think. She just can't feign.
No. She's actually trying.
That's the

excited. Yes.
We have Maisie Adam on later. Yes, we do our women's Euros correspondent.
Absolutely. That's going to be good.
She's over in Switzerland now.

But we've also got lots of correspondence from you all. Thank you very much for your messages.
Should we start with some updates from last week's correspondence, though? Yes.

Now, last week, we received an email from listener Lawrence outlining his mantra for keeping a tidy house. And his mantra is as follows, every journey counts.

I loved this email from Lawrence. Lawrence says, hello to you all, but mostly John.

In an attempt to prevent my household from becoming like the streets of Birmingham after a month-long bin strike, I have installed a simple rule.

Every time you leave one room and go to the next, take something with you, because every journey counts.

Now, John was so enamoured with Lawrence's mantra that he nicknamed him Lawrence the Lion and said that two of them should get married. I've forgotten about that.

So John then went on to set out his don't touch things twice policy. John, could you give us a quick pricey of that, please? Yes.
So if you so I'll give you an example.

I'm at my laptop having my coffee, keeping up with, you know, wha the next time Lizzie's protein granola is going to be on offer at a supermarket within 10 miles of me. Okay, okay.

How far would the supermarket have to be before the saving didn't add up because of petrol pricing? Just the further I travel, the more I buy.

Okay,

but ideally, it's ideally it's within five miles. Right, okay, because it's pricey granola, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um,

I then go, I then need the toilet because I'm so excited by the prospect of upping my protein intake at breakfast with a reduction in price. Yeah, yeah.

That I think on the way to the toilet, to use Lawrence's system, I'll take my mug to the kitchen. However, because I'm making the most of the journey.

However, what I'm not going to do to incorporate never touch something twice is I'm not going to put the mug by the sink. I'm going to put it in the dishwasher.
Yeah.

Because I don't want to put it on the sink and then have to come back down later, later, pick it up again, and put it in the dishwasher. That would be touching it twice.

Why would you put it in the sink on the sink? Well, people might do that, right? I do that, you know. Dave does that, yeah.
I throw mine in the garden, yeah, and then I let Izzy sorted up.

Um, so that's the so another example would be: um, I come back in from a run, yeah, I take off my sweaty socks because I don't want to wear my sweaty socks in the house. Yeah, fair enough.

I then, um, instead of putting them on the floor, I will take them straight to the

dirty washing basket so that I don't have to then touch them twice to get them into the dirty washing basket. Where's your dirty wash basket, out of curiosity?

Used to be in my bedroom, but I have moved it

now, moved it to the spare room. Okay.
Can you do anything else on your way?

I could have done if, for example,

I needed to take

a,

I don't know, say a book of poems has been delivered. I know that's what it is.
Yeah.

So I could un I could take that out of the cardboard wrapping and take that with me to put on my bedside table, for example.

But then I've got the cardboard wrapping, which I have to keep in my hand so I don't touch it twice. Then I have to come back downstairs to go to the recycling.

But because every journey counts, I would have to go to the recycling first, then upstairs with the dirty socks and the book of poetry. Prior

to Izzy gave you such a look of amusement then.

Prior to Dole Touch Things Twice mantra, the most fluid thing I'd ever seen was on my 18th, a friend of mine was vomited in an ashtray, but he was asleep and he just woke up, picked up the ashtray, in, bang.

And it was just one fluid movement.

It was like watching Buddy Rich drumming. It was incredible.

And then he was back asleep again.

You're more fluid than that. I try to be.
Amazing. Right.
Okay.

Now,

Lawrence has sent in the following message off the back of your don't touch things twice policy. Okay.

John, Lawrence, the line here, just following up on the Every Journey Count chats from last week.

Firstly, John, delighted to hear you declare us as newly married after our unification over life efficiency and yours and Colin's affinity to my Every Journey Counts mechanism.

Even more pleased to hear you frame it in your house as a policy within your never touch it twice mantra. A big, big fan of that, despite what Ellis and Dave were saying.

And I was just thinking about how that could apply to us all. I think one of the worst crimes in this area is when household members walk past items at the bottom of the stairs as they go up.

Items that are intended to go to the top. This to me feels a bit like a sort of silent second touch.

And to be be honest, I feel it's probably punishable by the removal of a basic human right each time it's breached. So I wonder, darling husband, what your thoughts are here.

Okay, here we get into interesting territory because I support the stair-based

system. I really don't.

Well, you live, I live alone. If I had kids running up and down the stairs, I wouldn't employ it because it's dangerous.
Yeah.

I just think it's a trip hazard.

In order to maintain a perfect don't touch things twice

and every journey counts

household, you wouldn't employ the leaving things at the bottom of the stairs to go upstairs policy

because you're touching it twice.

But and you want to maximize the efficiency of the journey. Yeah, I also like running up the stairs.
Well, so do I, but you can do it wholly.

So, for example, let's give her, for instance, the poetry book and the socks I discussed earlier. Dirty socks, clean poetry.
Clean poetry. Well, no, filthy poetry, but it's sanitised.
Yeah, yeah.

So, erotic poetry and dirty socks. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What a weekend. I've come home from my run.
Yes, Amazon's been. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, those dirty poems I liked. Oh, look at all these limericks about breasts.
Those filthy poems about the beauty of mourning.

So I put my socks and my

socks and my poems on the stairs.

I take the cardboard to be recycled because I know that on the way back from my run I went to the supermarket and I've got a rucksack full of items. I need to unpack them.

But haven't been on that not aren't fridge items.

Well there's a mixture so it to make every journey count. So you left them in your rucksack over during the course of your run? No, because I've gone for my run with my backpack on.

Right, and then really stuff from the supermarket in it. Yeah.
You would go for a run with shopping in your back. Listen to what I've just said twice.

I go for a run with my backpack on. Yeah.
Yeah. And then when I'm on the way back in the loop, I go to the supermarket and put my shopping in it.
Right, okay. Okay.

And you keep on running after the stuff. No, it's the end of the run, you ham.

Christ

Moses. Neither of you are ever allowed to live in my house.
You go into Tesco or Super Scenes

or whatever with

sweaty from your run. Yeah.
Yeah, I don't mind doing that. All right, fine.
It's the best. It's air-conditioned.
It's like walking into heaven on a hot day. And you've clearly been for a run.

It's almost more embarrassing if you're that sweaty and you're just in normal clothes. Whereas if you're in your running gear, you're just going to get it.
Yeah, but also, I'm not like...

The entrance to Tesco isn't the finish line.

I'm not like pressing my watch as I go through the doors, kind of,

oh yeah, God got up into zone five there.

Just need to return this desk fan. Yeah.
Because

it was damaged.

Go to have the LucasAid now and I'll pay for the empty bottle at the till. But it won't be picked up by the weight at the self-checkout.
So just let you know I'm not stealing it. I do intend to pay.

Will you help me stretch out my calf? I get cramped.

So I've come back from my, or usually when I go to the gym, when I walk back from the gym, I've got my gym rucksack on. I'll do my shopping in there.
Oh, okay. That is efficient.

I've got a hundred to you. So I get to the front door.
I've got dirty socks. I've got erotic poetry.
I've got a bag full of shopping.

What I will do, so in my head, it's key in, turn, open, out, shut behind.

Fridge masturbate. No

pick up, pick up parcel, tear off top.

Cardboard strip in pocket, poetry out, under arm, shoes off, socks off, into hand, into kitchen, cardboard into recycling from under arm and in pocket. Yeah.

Bag off, unzip.

Upstairs items. Toilet roll, moist wipes, moist wipes, moist wipes, pseudocram.
Dirty poetry. No, but so they're now in one arm, bag off, under.

Shut the curtains, light a candle, look what pleasures of the flesh. No, then to stairs where I offload.
You must have been

stopping.

Good lord. You two.

I offload. I'm thinking about this carefully because I know that any single mistake I make will get a thousand emails about.

I then offload dirty socks,

poetry. That's where you've got your dirty socks.

And

my upstairs items may include toothpaste, may include flossing interdental brushes

bend every bloody time. Rubbish.

Use the ribbon. I just use newspaper.

I use shin pass.

Back into kitchen. Undo freezer items, fruit and veg, fridge items.

Now we return to the stairs, but the bag's coming with us because every journey counts. It's going on the hook.

Socks,

poetry, upstairs items. We're now going up the stairs.
Open door, left socks in basket, into bathroom, under sink, drawer, slash side of toilet for toilet roll. Cry.
Back into bedroom.

Erotic poetry on bedside table. Wallop.
We just sit down and we breathe.

And it's another successful day for John. It sounds good.
It sounds good. Yeah, it does.
Sorry, what was your point? I can't remember, no. That wasn't Lawrence's point.

Well, Lawrence wasn't totally in favour of all of your proposals. Well, Lawrence can go to hell.
He's your husband. Don't talk about your husband in that way.

An example John used for the Don't Touch Things Twice policy was to thrush boxes. I know what he's going to say.
And Lawrence had this to say on the matter.

Also, John, just to push back slightly on your toothpaste box policy in your bathroom and landing area that you described last week,

I'd suggest in our house, house, ours being yours and mine,

that we may need to deploy a slightly more efficient model and that the box go straight into the recycling at the point of emptying the shopping bags in the kitchen.

To take the box up to the bathroom for it just to return back down at a later date does seem contradictory to our methods and feels like it's probably then been touched twice and therefore breaking our policy.

I guess my only concession might be that if if this was to ensure optimum tessellation efficiency in stacking your spare stock of toothpaste in your cupboard, I might forgive you.

But otherwise, I'm going to have to push back a little bit on that one. The man is your husband.
I love Lawrence. The man is your husband.
And he's talking about pushing back and concessions.

We've only been married a minute. Lawrence, in many ways, has saved our marriage, but also signed his own death warrant.
Okay, wow. Because

he got a divorce first. Lawrence is absolutely correct because when

toothpaste is on offer i bulk by yeah

i'm never i'm never replacing an empty toothpaste with a freshly bought toothpaste i couldn't live on that razor's edge yeah yeah so they're stacked in actually underneath the sink but you i wouldn't want to live in a house where you've got like five

loose

toothpaste tubes just in a drawer. I I love it.
I want to stack the boxes. But he agrees with that.
Yeah, he agrees and I agree. So we're in agreement.
Yeah, you're in love. Yeah, we're in love.

Also, even though in that situation... Is it love or is it lust?

In that situation, I'm not touching it twice because it's two separate.

It's two separate journeys, both of which count. Yeah.
Yeah, I see what you mean. Because I'm taking the box up to where the box lives.
Yeah.

And then maybe a week later, when I do run out of toothpaste,

I'm then touching it once for the second time. Yes, which is

different than touching it twice. And that's a very important distinction to make.

If I was taking a new toothpaste upstairs in its box, taking it out of its box,

putting the toothpaste in the little toothpaste holder, and then coming downstairs. I followed on the stairs.

Coming downstairs with the box, I still would have only touched it once, but every journey wouldn't have counted. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think we're just going to have to have me and Lawrence in a fly-on-the-wall show

for a month. Well, well,

that's not the last thing we received from Lawrence. He signed off with this message.

Just a little post script for John. I feel in these early embryonic days of our marriage,

full disclosure of our past is probably

important. So you may remember just before Christmas that one of your contributors emailed in regarding their guff PB

when walking down a stairwell.

And that gentleman signed his name off as L.

Sorry to say John, but that's also me. So if you feel like that's grounds to annul the marriage at this point, then I understand.
But let me know.

Wow.

What a reveal.

It's like an episode of Succession, this. Lawrence was the OG Guffer.
Yeah, Lawrence is the OG Guffer PB. Yes.

But that's that's not, I'm not going to use that as grounds for divorce or his own death because

you have to have an open door policy on

a house my in a house as small as mine. Yeah.
I mean, you, there's nowhere to go. There's nowhere to run.
There's nowhere to hide. That's what I say to any prospective partner.

I say, look, the house is nice.

It's well kept, it's well furnished, got some interesting things in that make me look cool. Yeah, you can't.
However, poetry porn on the side. There's nowhere to run.
There's nowhere to hide.

There's erotic poetry in every room.

Lawrence, I think Lawrence was

a teacher and he was at school and he used to get up a hell of a lot of steps with a little mini guff on every step. I don't think he'd ever quite made it to the top of the steps.

He was pounding the park. He was

pounding the park. But what a revelation.
Huge if true. What a revelation.
Huge iftron.

Colin's husband.

My husband. Well, it's Colin's husband, Laurence.

Yeah. Thanks.

I love Lawrence. I love Lawrence.
What a guy.

Right, more of your emails later on in the show, but as Ellis told us in one of his two big reveals, he is, well, he's on tenter hooks. He's excited.
He's...

What are you? I'm extremely, extremely emotional. He's emotional for the women's Euros.
It's currently taking place in. it's currently taking place in Switzerland.
Kicks off

yourself.

I'm going to start all of that again. Okay.
Good thing we're not live anymore, isn't it? Yeah. But after saying the women's Euros, that could be a good place to start the music.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Right then, more of your emails coming up later in the show, but we're very excited here in the studio. Well, Ellis is the most excited.
He's also quite emotional. He's pumped.

He's raring to go for the women's Euros.

What's this music, Dave? Is this Swiss music?

But what was that at the start? It was a young lady who was it?

On a crowd drawer.

Library crowd draw. Did you pick that music with five seconds and a gun to your head?

Or did anyone think about it for a second? I mean, I can't believe that no one's saying Toblerone.

Cuckoo cluffs. Fuck

it sounds like a three-bean salad jingle

the women's euros are currently taking place in you guessed it switzerland uh the tournament kicked off on wednesday the 2nd of july and the final will take place at the end of july good fun facts yeah absolutely it's a month fun tournament

in july it starts at the start and ends at the end and joining us on the line is uh the ellis and john euros correspondent we've got official license for for all of her journalistic work during the period.

She's not legally allowed to appear with any other sponsors in that right day. No, solely us.
This is the only place. Us and Liddle.

Yes,

us and Liddle.

It's Maisie Adam. Hi, Maisie.
Hello, how are you guys? Very, very good. I'm flying off to Switzerland tonight.
What's it like? You're there already, didn't you? Do you know? It's so fancy.

It's so fancy.

Everything's really gorgeous. I mean, it's baking hot anyway.
Yeah. But just everybody's dressed very well.
Everybody looks gorgeous. All the houses are gorgeous.
All the food's dead nice.

I've got a bit of imposter syndrome. I feel like the resident minger.

I'm thinking, Maisie, of going to Switzerland for so line.

for a solo eye climbing holiday in the winter.

Are you in a picturesque part? Where are you? Honestly, let me see if I can show you my view. Can you see this?

Get a bit of that. Get a bit of that.

It's just that everywhere, John. You'll be in your element.
It's just lakes, mountains, and as you say, yodelers. You can't move for yodelers.

Tick, tick, tick. So what's the first game you're going to, Maisie?

First game. First game will be the Netherlands game, England versus Netherlands,

next week, which is very, very exciting. I did have tickets for the France one and I'm missing it now annoyingly, but then we're going in with the Netherlands, which I think we'll be okay with.

It depends how we get on with France and Netherlands. And then, of course,

me and Ellis have our showdown on the 13th in St. Gallen.
I absolutely hate playing England at any sport.

And I've always hated it. And I've very rarely had a good time.
Why do you hate it so much? Because they're our biggest rivals.

Obviously, I wouldn't say we're England's biggest rivals, but there's a big imbalance when it comes to resources and size and all that kind of stuff.

Like, we haven't beaten, in that the men haven't beaten England since 1984. Oh, really? Mark it was his debut.
Wow. Because in terms of, like, a realistic rival,

Wales is sort of, if you could pick a country that

had similar resources, similar size, similar population. Yeah, Northern Ireland, wouldn't it? That would be the obvious one.
But England are next door to us.

That's the thing. But do you know what everyone's been saying here, genuinely, is

like Wales have been this underestimated beast. Everybody sees them as this, like, you know, small nation.
As you say, like, they don't have anywhere near the resources that the England team have.

But they are not a force to be reckoned with.

Their squad has such big key players. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That any England fan who's going into St Gallen thinking this will be a walk in the park or that that it'll be a predetermined, you know, that we'll already be

first of the group and we can just enjoy the Wales game. That is not going to happen.

It could be down to the wire. It's also such a mega-type group.
I think everyone will take points off each other. Yes.

The Dutch could realistically win it, the French could realistically win it. England obviously defended champions.
So it's a very, very, it's a proper group of death nave.

Maisie, what sort of stuff is going on around where you're staying? There's a massive fan zone in the centre of Zurich, which I went down to yesterday.

That's great vibes. They're doing all these mad challenges with KP Uppies and stuff.
It's your classic stuff of incorporating football with local culture. So

there's people doing kick up challenges next to a reclette

restaurant. So it's lovely stuff.

We're doing the fan walk to the ground on Saturday. Oh, are you? Yeah.
We're like sort of Eastern European ultras, but you know, my daughter will be there.

They were men wearing black zip-up tops. And is she supporting Wales? She is supporting Wales.
Has she got

her kit? She has got many kits. Has she? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And she's. I've just bought the latest one, but with a name and number 10.
I do think your kit's better, Ellis.

Yeah, yeah, 100%.

The Welsh kit, the Welsh home kit is better than the England home kit. I don't like this England home kit.
If anybody's not seen it, it looks like when your printer runs out of ink.

And it's got, well, it's got red and blue and white here, and then it just fades into just white.

The problem with a country whose kit is

base colour is white

is you're always thinking it's basically about accents.

Whereas the whales have got two big colours to play with. They always have.
Yes, I like our await kit, which looks a bit tuthpasty.

Okay. There's a sort of, yeah, I have a slight sort of Colgate-y kind of vibe to the awake kit.
It's a sort of mint green, but I like that. But this is it, though.
You've got more to work with.

Even with the flags, like everybody else goes for, you know, a couple of block colours, maybe a cross. You've gone straight in, mythical creature.

Yes, it's us in Bhutan, isn't it, when it comes to dragons on flags? Yeah, the England kit looks a bit like clip art, graffiti sort of

illustration where it's doing like a spray can. like a sort of Bart Simpson spray can.

I read the other day that Wales, apart from Switzerland, are the best supporter team at the Euros because we've sold out the UAE end for all three games. And there's more going.

I'm not actually in the UAE end for the night comes. I couldn't get a ticket.
Wow, that's great. So, yeah, it's just going to get your head kicked in.
No.

No. Are the songs as rude at women's games as well? No, then is it just a bit more

sensible? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, good.

I'm glad you asked that, Div. Yeah, well, it's not.
I wish they're sang with the same level of intensity

and sort of aggression, but the subject of the lyrics are not as personal, i would say and more just about they're about enjoying the game but they're said with the with the um the essence of danny dyer

because i went to watch england play the usa in a friendly at wembley in october i think oh yeah with friends of shawnee mcgrash there were 90 000 people there yeah it's unreal do you think the um at moss and the vibe the positive vibes of a big women's tournament will rub off rub will rub off on future men's tournaments from people who've been to one and then go to the other and then think i don't think we need to you know trash this cafe call the referee the key word yeah um i don't know i just think what it will do especially for women in sport girls sport in whales is absolutely pivotal because they're gonna they're they're about it's about creating a legacy and they're gonna feminize resources and and training grounds and all that kind of stuff.

Like my sister was very sporty.

It's not that there wasn't a football team for my sister when she was at school it wasn't even part of the conversation like it just wasn't

i i cannot express to you how how she would have been laughed out of the office if she'd asked the p teacher for uh a you know a girls football team in year seven i remember in about year 10 the girls

um

started playing cricket like coming to cricket practice and I remember the PE teachers basically reacting like I can't believe there's a loophole. Like,

how have we not covered this off? Yeah. The T's and C's.
Because basically, no one had ever, no one had ever asked if, no girl had ever asked if they could play cricket.

So, when they did ask, they were like,

Let me get back to you on that. And then there was like no reason why they couldn't.
So, suddenly, there were girls at cricket practice, which was obviously great, but they weren't happy about it.

Yeah, there's a massive mural of Jess Fishlock in Cardiff on the pitch.

It's the entire size of the pitch. I know so many people who have gone out there.
Obviously, the Welsh women have never qualified for a tournament. So this is just

a matter of time. And you've beaten some giants to get there.
Like, when you beat the Republic of Ireland, like, that's massive. That's huge.
We are the lowest ranked team in the tournament.

Do you know one thing I would say, Misie? I need more content.

You need more content? I need

from everything.

For people who don't follow football and maybe following women's football for the first time,

in your head, when you're talking about the teams, it's impossible not to, for me not to, when you say France, Netherlands, England, I think, oh, well, they're big teams because the men's teams are big.

Are there big disparities in certain nations between their men's team and their women's team?

That's a great question. I think, like,

across the board, it's largely the same. I would say that maybe the big one is Sweden.
Sweden are really good in women's team. And I think, like,

in men's, they're fine but like Sweden historically have gotten to a lot of finals and won the Euros before.

Oh the USA who've won the World Cup lots of times and China

Japan Japan as well like Japan and USA are probably the big I know when this is outside of Euros but Japan and USA are the giants of the women's game that probably aren't in the men's.

Interesting, interesting. So we're going to be coming to you Maisie every week during the Euros.
Ellis is going to be at some of the games. Yeah, I'm going to see the first and third game.

So what game is happening before next Friday's show? Wales are playing the Netherlands on Saturday and then we are playing France on Wednesday. So predictions from Ellis for those games?

I think we've never beaten the Netherlands. I think it's going to end one-all.
I think we're going to get something out of Saturday.

I think that's a shout.

I would be extremely happy with that. And I think Jess Fischlock is going to score.
Predictions from you, Maisie, for Wales, Netherlands?

I like one. I think you could be more positive.

Honestly, Ellis.

I think you could have it 2-1. I do.
I do. Because Netherlands are so hit and miss with their injuries that they've had.

I listened to Guardian Women's Football Weekly the other day because Laura McCastle was on it. And

I really love Susie Rack's writing, but she was extremely realistic about Wizard's youngsters. And I thought, come on, Susie, lie to me.
No, let's have it. Wales, let's have it.
Come on. And

uh england france

england france will be tough that will be tough i'm gonna go

i think my

my head says one all but my heart would love two one last minute goal from someone like russo

do you think england can win it maybe

I think we've got as good a chance as anybody else, if not better. Yes, we're in this group of death, but think how everybody else must feel going up against the title defenders.

I think our big, big hurdle will be Spain. There's something about the way they play that no one seems to be able to work out.

They were sent to me last night.

It was unreal.

I think we'll be okay to get out the group stage. If we don't get out of the group stage, that is a huge disappointment, obviously.

But I think once we get out there, the only real worry for me would be Spain. Okay, well, we will check in with the scores and with Maisie and with Ellis next week.

Thank you very much for joining us, Maisie.

And Maisie is hosting a special fan diary episode of the Football Daily podcast throughout the Euros, and you can hear her alongside Susie Ruffle on Big Kick Energy 2 available on BBC Sounds.

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so do check out Maisie's podcast with Susie. We've got a couple more emails to go through.
Thank you for your correspondence about Zamrock, including a suggestion from Neil that I should front a

BBC Six Music Zamrock documentary, which I think would be great fun. That's I assume they're being serious because that is genuinely something you'd hear on Six Music.
On a Sunday afternoon.

It is, but I don't think Neil works for Six Music. That's not a straight commission, I would say.
No, I don't think that's. I think it's a daydream.
Yeah. No, but we could take it to them.

And Annabelle saw Witch perform at Glastonbury on the Greenpeace stage. Someone I would have watched at Glastonbury.
Would you? That's two now. What was the other one?

I would have watched Neil Young, I think. You'd have watched Smith.
Sounds Self-Esteem and Neil Young and Witch, yeah. Yeah.
And Rodders.

She had Roberts. She had Robert Smith thought.
She did have Robert Smith. We were talking about words from the 90s that didn't mean anything in the way that skibbody doesn't mean anything.
Yeah.

And someone's come in with a really good suggestion. It had to mean good, bad, and nothing.
Yeah. And this is from

anonymity. They don't give their name, Dave.
I think it's been lopped off. Well, they might not have given it.
Well, they say long-time listener, first-time writer.

Yes. But why would you anonymize this email? Anyway, good morning, fellow partridge enthusiasts.
Just a short one. Would whack be a suitable 90s word that means good, bad, and nothing?

Not down with the lingo, and i'm riz less these days what does that mean rizless flirtless yeah yeah you're not you're not doing it um yeah because you say that's whack but whack was only negative wasn't it you know i think whack was positive as well in a like skating terms

whack ollie man pardon whack you did a whack ollie man you might say the one i remember this is from pete hi banter boys rewords which mean good bad nothing when i was young slash 90s we used skill a lot skill a lot but it was never bad but never it was never bad i'd just completely forgotten that skill that is skill one might say when something was good or cool ouch skill if you fell for example or even skill with a slight nod when greeting someone i wouldn't have said ouch skill in the 90s i do remember saying oh that is skill yeah yeah i would never say that now uh i asked hannah about skibody yeah because hannah has direct insight into the young minds yeah young minds of stockport yeah uh and she said the kids are obsessed with it everyone's saying skibbity

if anything actually it's now starting to become a bit dated it's almost it's almost like passe now it's done no but what's what's funny is because skibbity is all related as you know alice skibbity toilet yeah yeah skibbity toilet is a phrase and i think it comes from a video of something to do with the toilet yeah so and hannah ever has to give a toilet pass to any of the kids if they go miss can i go to the toilet and get a toilet pass please as she hands it to them she goes skiddy under her breath and they lose their mind do they a teacher saying skibbity is hilarious because teachers shouldn't understand yeah what skibbity is so underneath she does say skibbity when they say can i get a toilet past does does she ever say do you really do you really need the toilet is it a skibbodity toilet yes that'd be nice um we've got some gen z dilemmas dave for me to answer from roland or roland why are they coming to you

because i'm gen z dave i've got it go on then um but maybe we could get um izzy to help out yeah i think so let's see let's see what we get Izzy,

come and earn your breadcrumbs.

Earn your crust.

Izzy's side-eye is absolutely devastating. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Devastating.

So, Izzy. Come and sit here,

Izzy, come and sit here. Get on the mic.
Oh, God.

You're taking your AirPods out, so you look cool.

Izzy's debut on the camera.

Absolutely not.

So, Izzy.

So, like, is it normal to catch major feels for someone who probs doesn't even know you exist? I've got a crush so intense it's borderline de Lulu. Oh my gosh.
Relatable trust. That's my situation.

Trust. Liz trust.
Like trust. Oh, right.
Not crush the economy. Liz.
Trusts. Not that it's crushing his emotional economy.

So is it normal to go to? So I've got that. Yeah, I think that's pretty normal.
Oh, I'm in love with everyone. Trust.

Let's trust. And you're also in love with everyone who's got a trust.
Amen, sister.

Okay, number two.

Loki feel like I'm the group's emotional support clown.

Emotional. Okay, okay.
Everyone comes to me with their drama, but when I need someone, radio silence. Tea, okay.
Been there also. Have you? Yeah.
And what was it like when you were there?

It's just low-key annoying. It's low-key annoying.
Okay, but do you put up with it? Do you put up with something that's low-key annoying?

Yeah, I mean, if it's high-key annoying, I wouldn't. But it's like low-key.
Like, you've got to be there for your friends. I prefer minor key and major key.
I've never heard high-key people. High-key.

Like, minor key annoying, major key annoying. I don't know what that means.
Okay.

Nice to see that youngsters are saying radio silence, which is a term from like World War II. I don't know if they are doing that, to be honest.

Okay, problem three: my situation ship is situation shipping too hard. Oh no, we act like a couple, but when I bring up labels, he hits me back with let's not ruin the vibe.

Oh my gosh, again, being there, I'm there right now. I'm there right now.
As we know, but we're not going to bring that to air. But

totally being played there, yeah. Oh, yeah.
You need to find somebody else. Yeah.
But like, where do you find someone else? That's the issue. Well, you find someone.

You find someone else who shares your values. I know, but like, it's they like breadcrumb you.
Are you aware of a breadcrumb? No. It's where they sort of like.
lead you on loads and loads.

They breadcrumb you and then they just rip it away from you when you want anything serious. I'm assuming it's a man doing that that because usually men are very pro-situationship and not women.

Well, I don't know because this is from Roland. So I don't know whether

that name is Roland, but I don't know whether it's a heterosexual or homosexual relationship. On my experience, it's the men usually gunning for a situationship and not a relationship.

What is a situationship? Just for our older listeners. We used to call it F-buddies.
Oh, yeah, metadata.

Then it became friends with benefits. Yes.
But I feel like, no, but it's more than that because they do treat you like you're in a relationship.

Well, it's quite a modern thing where it's basically like a relationship without being exclusive or committed. Yeah, but the thing is, it's non-monogamous.

It's a situation for one person and nothing for the other. Oh.
Do you know what I mean? So I'd be like, I'm in a situation ship when I'm the one being played.

So you're in a relationship, they're in a situation. Well, yeah, but I mean, yeah, kind of.

Okay.

Problem four. So what should this person do?

Get rid of the situationship person. See, I'm i'm gonna tell you to do that but i know what i would do i'd stick around and be the mug the whole time yeah which doesn't stand for made-up game

um

so number four i've entered my full clown arc been main charactering a parasocial situationship with someone you can't have a parasocial situationship can you i mean in in your head you can in your head but it wouldn't be a situationship in your head well it kind of is because you think that you're in a relationship with them when you're not so that's kind of like what a situationship is so i kind of understand what they're saying okay okay okay a parasocial i thought a parasocial relationship was when it's one-sided me wanting to marry kylie minogue when she was on neighbours and crying when i found out she went out with jason donovan in real life yes that's absolutely that that's what it is oh gosh so been around a long time okay okay okay

nice anyway

a main character in a parasocial situationship with someone who gives me less emotional roi

What's that? Oh, I don't know. Republic of Ireland.
Rules of engagement. That would be an E.

Yeah. See, that's it.

That's a finance term. If you were talking to the American military, that would probably mean rules of engagement.
No, it wouldn't, because that's an E.

Yeah.

Then the crypto rug pull. What's a crypto rug pull? Oh, I don't write.
This is getting too far for me. I have no idea what I'm meeting.
There's some amazing sentences coming up.

Should I soft-launch my detachment era or just hard reset and ghost like it's 2016?

I would.

Do you know how soft launch it? Really? 100p.

Why not? Why not? Soft launch it, for God's sake. I posted a meme that flopped so hard I considered faking my death.
Is it too dramatic to delete and pretend it never happened? Or do I just own the L?

I mean... Is that owning a learner plate? I have no idea.
Only the loss. Oh, okay.
I mean, it depends how many people saw it. Can you delete and then no one acknowledge it happened?

Or will someone be like, why did you delete that? That's what I would do. Yeah.
Wallet gone. Yeah, Hyundi P.

Off it goes.

finally why do i feel like i'm the meh friend like everyone likes me but no one likes me you know is this just self-esteem issues or is the universe actually out to humble me self-esteem issues it is self-esteem major self-esteem issues is this all one person yeah that's a lot of trauma i don't think that's all of rolan's problems though i think they're just like a case study yeah they're just example problems that a gen z person might have yeah if you had all of those problems in your life you'd be in too many situationships for a start.

Absolutely, yeah. How many situationships are you allowed at once?

100.

I'd say the max I've had is three at one go. It's called a roster.

Okay. Do you have a roster? And are the are the what are the what would you call the recipients of the situationships? You're not calling them your boyfriend.

I mean, I do to my friends, but I'd never say it to their face. Nice.
But you wouldn't say I've got three boyfriends right now, would you? Oh, I totally would, yeah.

So did the boyfriends know about each other? Absolutely not. No, no, no, no, no, no.
And if they found out, would they be allowed to be annoyed? Um, it depends.

No, because no, because they're not willing to commit. I wouldn't have three boyfriends if I didn't need to commit.
Yeah. Okay.

My

just holding up a sign saying Adrian. We've got to talk to Adrian.
My self-esteem would crumble if I thought that my girlfriend was in a relationship with two other men.

Spoiler alert, like that's every relationship ever for a Gen Z. If you found out you were on a roster.
If I found out I was was in a roster.

But if the terms of your relationship is actually a situationship, then sorry.

Yeah.

I would just be working.

Piss or get off the pot. I'm trying to work out what I was bringing that the other two men couldn't offer.
Well, probably a lack of commitment.

So someone's keeping their, you know, their brush in different

colours on the palette to create a brown.

I don't know what that means, but yeah.

Anyway, thanks, Izzy, our resident correspondent.

And then we'll talk to Adrian, of course.

I mean, there's something interesting happening here in Cardiff. And I swear I'm not making this up.
Somebody needs to go out and start videoing them. There's definitely an almost an unconscious

Liam Gallagher

swagger in the way people are walking. They're doing it without meaning to, I think.
They're trying to walk like Liam a bit.

I could always tell when someone's walking to a football match because they have a different walk. Yes.
There is a purposeful stride to walk into a football match that I can just tell from 150 paces.

And it's the same with Oasis gigs. Everyone puts a little bit of Liam into their gait, Adrian.
Yes, yes, yes. I mean, who could do a better Liam swagger out of you and you and John?

Me, because A, John hates them, and B, he's got sacralised vertebrae.

I don't hate them. Don't you? I just don't like them.
Oh, okay. I think they're great.

I would love to be there, but I'm going to Switzerland to watch Wills play Holland tomorrow, so I can't be at these gigs. Oh, well,

that'll be fantastic.

What about Dave?

Is he a producer? Dave got a favourite band? Annoyingly, Dave has gone down to get me the coffee and brownie I demanded.

And I did threaten to sack him if he didn't get it for me, which I do every week.

So he's not here to talk about his specialist topic. Which is Oasis.
Which is Oasis. Dave loves Oasis so much.
He took his lap on the day that they were released, the tickets released.

The Swans are playing West Brom, actually.

Dave took his laptop to a wedding. He was sat in the church with the laptop in the church.
Trying to buy tickets as two very good friends of his were getting married in front of him.

That is how much Oasis mean to Dave. Well, and did he get the tickets? He did, but not

true that he, because he was in the queue for the queue then he was in the queue then he got booted out but i think his mate he had like several people in the queue for the queue

yeah but i think his friend had a spare so he is going to one of the dates in manchester it is interesting that we've sort of forgotten about the ticket price palava and now everyone's just really excited which i think says something money's out of your account now well it is yeah yeah it's like the in a sense the the experience after the transaction has sort of a different type of value.

But when you're staring down the barrel of a transaction, especially when you've been messed around by the software of how to get the tickets, it's very frustrating.

Have you seen, Adrian, there's a really good video going around of, I don't think Oasis doing this, but anti-gold ticketing, where you basically pay for a meet and greet afterwards.

And it's just a guy saying, if you do that as a musician, you have to take the money in cash off your fan. That's the deal.
Very good. Very good.

Because you have to face up to the fact you've got like a sort of teenager in front of you giving you their 60 quid or whatever. But if Adrian was doing gigs, I'd pay to meet Adrian.

Oh, I'd pay 200,000 crand. I mean, if it's a low price, I mean, for selfies, if you just charged a pound coin, it's like micro pricing, really.
I mean, be an interesting exercise,

that'll be 10p. But you can't farm off the responsibility to someone else.
You have to take that pound coin. So, Adrian, after your tour, which we're going to talk about,

and it's a pound for a picture with adrian you've got to have a big carrier bag and you say come on pop your pound in there and you can have a picture with idrian yes also i saw on your copy of i was delighted to see that your glastonbury column adrian it was enormous yeah it was a good one That's got to be pushing a thousand words.

It was fantastic read.

It was 2,111. Well, I want more Adrian content.
I want more Adrian long reads.

If you did a tour and were doing paid meet and greets at the end of the the gigs, A, the venues you'd be playing would be huge. Yeah.
It's a really good part. Yeah, it's a really good.

Leicester Forest East, Heston.

I reckon you'd be making

two or three million grand a month. Yeah, two or three million grand, Adrian.
The BBC would only want 40%.

We could look at that.

Thank you to Izzy. Izzy is going to be front and center of that Cara, isn't she, Dave? Big time.
Big time. Big time.

Hard launch on the Cara.

Hard law. HL.

The Cara is the Carousel, which is available on Instagram. And the Carousel.
Not if you live in Canada, apparently. And the Carousel is a selection of photos on Instagram.
And videos. And videos.

That's posted usually by Five Live and BBC Sound. Because a lot of people didn't know it was called the Carousel, but we've now started calling it the Cara.
Because we're busy. We've got things to do.

And Northern. Yeah.
Well, Northern is abbreviate, as do Welsh people. It's funny you should say we're busy, Dave, because there's a chance one of us is about to get an awful lot busier.
Why?

Well,

I can't actually say yet, Ellis, because I don't know yet, because it hasn't happened yet, because it's written in the stars. You do need to pay attention for the next five minutes.

Are you doing Tossmaster again? I'm doing Champion of Champions. No, well done.
But it's not that.

I don't like that. I hate it when he does this.
No, no, no. It's all good.
Is it Bando? No. It's not you.

It could be. Well, who knows? This time next week, I could be king or prime minister.
You've just done different parliaments. I could, I don't know.

You're not going to get here dropped into a safe seat, are you?

Parachuted.

I have a very dear friend who is

one of the world's leading astrologers. Right.
Now,

I'm not Johnny Sagittarius head. No.
Okay.

Because you're a Lib. No, whatever.
What are you? Taurus. Taurus.
I'm Scorpio with a big sting in my tail.

However, my friend Kimberley is an astrologer to the stars. Oh, yeah.
But also for L magazine. And you.
And me, and she takes it very, very seriously, and she's very, very professional. Okay.

So she offered to do my chart. She did my chart.
I met Russell Grant once. Yes.
And he's learned Welsh. Welsh amazingly

to him. Oh, nice.
Um, Kimberly hasn't learnt Welsh, well, then I'm not interested.

Um, but anyway, so uh, when I got my chart done, we had an hour-long Zoom, and she told me an hour-long zoom, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's very in-depth.

She wants like the time of day you're born and all that stuff, and she takes you through like the next

20 to 30 years.

Uh, anyway, um, I'm struggling, I'm not struggling, please. No, wait, I got an unexpected voice note from Kimberly this week, Oh, yeah.

And I had not asked for it. Score predictions for the Euros.
It's not score predictions for the Euros. Will you take this seriously, please? I can't, because it's astrology.
Take this seriously.

You watch your mouth, young man. Absolute guff.

So one needs to exercise. We're going to find out if it's guff or not very, very soon.
This is exciting. This is exciting.
Dave, play the voice note.

I know you do not seek out the astrology, but the astrology is coming to you anyway. anyway.

I always think of your Venus in Pisces at 29 degrees, and I have known that there is some exciting astrology on its way to you.

Friday,

July the 4th. Today.

Quarter to two.

Exciting. Just to acknowledge that there is a Venus-Uranus conjunction.

making a sextile to your Venus. What does it mean?

It's, I think, to do do with personal information redacted that i mean you said last time that it was to do with like um embarrassing personal information redacted but this is like adjacent to that this is almost like saying

that

given your awareness of redacted you have been able to rise up into a position of success

but there might just be this feeling of like you having made it or or like you being successful

and prominent and

notorious and famous and acknowledged and like it could almost be like that you are doing

great things

externally that feel really good. This moment on Friday is a triumph.
over adversity given your wokeness.

Well, this is great because she kept mentioning Uranus. And you've had terrible problems with Uranus.
Well, if only I'd known it was going to be in conjunction with Venus, going sextile.

What does that mean? Well, I'm going to have to call my consultant and ask.

Not quite sure what she meant by wokeness at the end. I like it.

But Ellis. I think, does she mean wokeness to astrology? No, I think maybe accepting of it.
No, I think maybe being awoken and awoke. In the true term of woke, I am awoken.
Yeah. I am aware.

I have awareness. Oh, yeah.
Cough him.

Yeah, send me to prison for a billion years. But Ellis, that's in 57 minutes' time.
So, has she given you any clues? What's going on?

Well, she said there, it's going to be to do with great success and prominence.

God, if you get a text message off our agent,

well, that's what I'm thinking. Then he's going in the jungle.

What if I'm going in the jungle?

Eating a kangaroo's anus

that's insextant with Venus. Yeah, yeah.
God, then you, then you could be one, then you could be a big name on ITV. Yeah.
I don't want to be a big name on ITV. I think you do and you don't.

I think you don't. I don't know and I don't.

I think you'd hate it. Oh, absolutely.
Yeah, not for me. But,

wow. So what are we going to do? Because we can monitor this live.
Well, we can. What I think we should do is...
It could be premium bonds.

No.

Premium bond must day is already past.

I want 50 quid. What we'll do is we'll pop back on at the end of this podcast to make it simple.

Otherwise, it gets very confusing because this will 145 will happen midway through our record for Tuesday's episode. It will, but we're going to be on tenter hooks, aren't we? Oh, just a wee.

I certainly will be concentrating, Dave. No, so.
We'll have to stop a couple of minutes before to ramp up the tension. What if his life changes?

What if John's been invited to be an Oasis for their opening gig? Yeah, or maybe he's got an MBE.

I would love an MBE. I would wear it every day.
Would you? Or a Victoria Cross for bravery and broadcasting. Yeah, bravery and broadcasting.

Oh, my God. So we'll pop back on at the end of this, travel forwards in time by an hour and just see what blooming well happens.

I'm a bit scared. I'm scared, boy.
It's scary. I'm going to have to monitor my emails and WhatsApp.
And Instagram. That's all right.

Once when we were live on Radio 5 Live, you were monitoring an auction. That's true.
You are capable of doing that. That's true.

What if it's like terrible news? Because it's not always good, this stuff. Oh, no, Kimberly suggested this was great.

Well, later on in the message, she suggested that on the 17th or 18th of July, I say something on stage, which I

drastically need to roll back on.

So I'm now very worried for gigs in Cambridge that I'm going to get cancelled. You're going to have a bad gig.
I'm going to say nothing. Yeah, that's what will happen.
Yeah.

You'll just go on, you'll be like, hello. Hello.
There we go.

First acts.

yeah thank you fire exits are over there goodbye yeah great exciting well we'll pop back up so in in podcast world you won't you'll be hearing from us very soon and it'll be just before 145.

what are the uh what are the main characteristics of a torus out of curiosity well you'd have to ask kimberly and um let's know i've got a sting in my tail oh um if people

you haven't i know i know i haven't if people want to follow kimberly she's astrologer.kimberly on Instagram. How do you know Kimberly?

Personal information redacted.

So she does horoscopes for LUK, Charlotte Tilbury, and Time Passages app.

Tauruses are grounded. No?

Yes. You're not grounded.
I'm the most grounded. I'm the oldest oak in the forest.
Yeah. Reliable.
Hello. Yeah.

And you have a sensual nature.

Scorpios, please, Div. That's that poetry again, isn't it? Yeah, tell me about my scorpion.
You've met Kimberly. You're intense, passionate, and loyal, Alice.
Yes. I'm intense.

Yes, I'm passionate. Great, well.
I'm loyal, and I've got a stick on my tail, haven't we? We'll finish it here. Well, Kimberly lives in Japan, so I can't call.
I don't think I can call her live.

No, that's fine. You shouldn't need to.
I shouldn't need to. You shouldn't need to.
Because, like, I'm being called by God. Yes.

Or your agent. Or my agent.
To say that maybe you're going to be on the wheel. Maybe they've waived my parking fines.

Can you imagine if that was it?

That would be funny. Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, word of advice. Get your message requests open as well, because it might be a stranger.

dropping into your insta dms that you don't follow oh offering me a million billion pounds you just never know it could be yeah oh my god right and it is gmt

good okay yeah that could be oh yeah yeah good question. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. So, folks, we'll say goodbye, but then we'll say hello in a little clip of what happens at my magic hour.
See you on the other side, John. Good luck.

Okay, we're in the golden hour. We're in the golden hour.
So it's now 1.42. I'm three minutes away.
Just to remind you some of the terminology. We were talking prominence.
We were talking success.

Notoriety. Notoriety.

This.

What could happen? This means more.

Is Rachel Reeves as secure as she thinks?

Is Johnny JR the Chancellor for a New Britain?

Whoa.

You've got an English degree. Yeah, but I would do a good job.

Yeah, big time. Big time.

You do like detail. I do like detail.

I also... I think you're too micro and not macro enough to be challenging.
Oh, I'm macro. I can be macro.
Okay. Yeah.
Yeah. So, what are we doing now? We're waiting Tuesday or Friday.

I can't wait to see you.

We're back in Friday now, but it's okay.

I'm waiting to see if the astrology prediction comes true. That's something very significant for Brand Robbins.
At quarter to two. At quarter to two in 70, 80 seconds time.
Yeah.

So I'm monitoring all of my.

I'll just check because it may have come in early.

If it's from from HMRC or something maybe I'm going to be head of HMRC Dave

so far best we've got is an email thanking

oh

oh that's nice is it nice enough to be significant no but you know I talked I talked about making a charity donation on

on the show yes I've just had an email from the service saying thank you for my donation. Oh, that's nice.
But a personal one, Dave. Oh, really? God, you had to get that in, didn't he? It's just nice.

Maybe that's what. He's so good at managing his brand.
So here's... Oh, hang on.
Hang on. My astrologer has posted a

green. It was a green circle Instagram story.
I thought it could be of relevance to me. It's 144.

Here we go. Here we go.
DMs.

Just wanted to know how much we all appreciate you telling people to take their rubbish with them after the show. No, but you know, I will do that.

What are you hoping for? Oh, I've been through this.

It's always money.

You just want anything else. Always money.

Check the emails again. Any WhatsApps? Have you gone to your

okay? We're now in the golden hour, Dave. The golden minute.
I've just been asked to go on a podcast. Have you? Yeah.
What?

Don't, Alex. But what if it's backfired day?

What if it's misreading?

My friend saying he's happy if everyone

wants to go for food.

I mean, this is all positive stuff.

Maybe it's just a collection of nice, small but nice things. Could you like food?

You like friends? My handyman saying he's going to paint the sheds next week.

Again,

it's good. That's

an offer as well about the podcast. That's good.
Hang on. I've only got 15 seconds.
What if, Dave, what if it was only going to happen if I'd naturally been recording?

What if by creating this moment, I've interrupted the gods and Uranus

and Virgo in my conjunction. They're not in line with circular.
Dave, the time's up.

Hang on. I've got to do a quick check of everything.
That's fine. She did also say it could be a bit after, I think, did she? Dave, you checked BBC News website.
What were you expecting me to find?

What a shock announcement. Robbins.

Reeves leaves. Robbins returns.
Could be the headline. But you've never been, Chancellor, John.
Yeah, well, I returned to

Downing Street. I've never been there, but I've been near there.
Yeah. God, the news is bleak.
I had an email from Dropbox making file sharing easy.

I don't know what Dropbox is. No, no, do I.
I said that on what I saw the other day. But, Dave, I've been forwarded so many Dropbox things and it asks me to log in and I'm not in it.

Yeah, I think it's just it's not remembering your details on your laptop. But it's not me.
I'm not it. I don't know what it is.
I don't want it. Is it just like we transfer?

No, it's just a file storage system.

But where does it live? In the blooming sky, innit? But I don't have it and it seems to think I've got it.

Well, you do you do have it if you've got a login that should be logging you in automatically, but for it's sort of, I'd say it's an easier thing to use on your laptop. Okay.

Oasis play first show in 16 years, of course, John. That wouldn't be it, would it? Someone Someone asking if I'm excited for Oasis.

No, no.

Friend saying they're looking forward to having more naps in the holidays. Dave, this doesn't feel like it's going to impact my notoriety significance.

Oh, South Cambridgeshire are going to adopt a four-day week. Are they? Yeah.
Hmm, it's quite good. That's it then, I think.
Oh, cool.

No one's trying to call, are they?

Dave, is anyone messaging you asking if I can present the new show? Well, I've been distracted now by the Oasis return. Well, you can't be distracted.
This is my golden hour.

Yeah, every hour is your golden hour, John. Okay.

Jamie Smith's astonishing century this morning is the joint third fastest bun Englishman in Test cricket, alongside the chap at the other end, Harry Brooke. Johnny Basto's second place is safe.

His came off centi seven balls against New Zealand at Trent Bridge in 2022, the earliest throws of bass ball. Robin is saying he hasn't had curry for a while.

Okay, well, who knows? It might have arrived at my house at quarter to two. And it might not be a physical thing.

There might just be something in the air that is currently happening that you're not aware of. Maybe the idea of me has just appeared in Keir Starmer's mind.
Yeah, I'd move away from the politics.

I don't think it's necessarily political. Okay.

Maybe Ronnie O'Sullivan has checked his emails for the first time. He's gone back through all of his junk and he's found our 20 requests to have Covin come on the show.

And he thought, do you know what? I'll do that. That'd be huge.
Picture of Maradona with Liam and Noel. What's that on?

Twitter.

Aaron Ramsey is going to be on the street. What if it's on Twitter? Dave I've deleted Twitter and Facebook.
Yeah.

And yeah, Tour de France stuff. Tour de France, Tour de France, Tour de France, Saul Campbell playing chess.
Okay, so nothing notable at this stage, but we need to wrap up.

At this stage, but we will report back. Yeah.
So there you go. That was just an update from Inside the Astrologer's Mind.
You're not down, though. No, no.
On aggregate. It's just nil-nil, isn't it?

Nothing good has happened yet. We haven't conceded.
No, I'm not. Nothing bad's happened.
No, Shed's painted next week. Well, if I can nail this guy down, it's like trying to catch a

go on. A big bowl of water in your hands when you're throwing the water up into the air.
Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay. All right.
Well, bye, everyone. everyone.
Bureau Deshaun.

How disappointing that was. No, it wasn't.
It's all about vibe. I thought his life was going to change.
Yeah, I did, to be fair. Do you know, who'd have thought?

Who would have thought that astrologer? Hello?

Yes, Keir.

Now, yeah, I'd been expecting your call, actually, just a couple of minutes earlier.

It would be an honor.

I will not shirk from the responsibility. Yes, difficult decisions need to be made, but I'm the man to make them.

Okay,

a car will be waiting for me. Yes, bye-bye.

Wow. The problem is,

I think John comes across as a technocrat and not someone who's good at politics. What's he saying?

He said that I am needed in Downing Street. What's the job? I can't say, Dave, Minister for Darts.
That's a matter of national security, and you don't have clearance. Okay, good.

Oh, that's good news. All right.

God, looking forward to

dance being put in the national curriculum. That'll be good.
John's first big policy initiative. Well, it's good for arithmetic.
Yeah, but you know, I mean,

I'm on your side. Yeah, and so is Snooker.
Yeah. Luckily, because that's going on as well.
Good. Okay, bye-bye.
Bye.

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