#449 - Rodmas Day, Magnificent Lions and Every. Journey. Counts.

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Hello, thank you very much for downloading this Friday edition of Ellis and John.

Good vibes in the studio because Izzy's back and we're already feeling considerably younger.

I understood about 30% of the words she used, but yeah, it's nice, isn't it?

As

Dave put it when she was away, because she's been away for a month, she's good Val.

Good Val.

No, no, no, no, no.

You said she was great, Val.

I said she was was good, Val.

John said she was...

I said she was great, Val.

John said she was good, Val.

So she's good.5 Val.

But it's all a plus, isn't it?

Oh, yeah.

It's all good stuff.

I think I remember saying her job was on the line for taking holiday without my permission.

Yes, you did, but you know, that's.

And for missing out on crucial croc content.

But

we have had some correspondence from an even younger listener.

Yes, I've noticed this.

Daisy in Winners,

which I always remember from the episode The Office, where David Brent talks about all the places he can go.

Taplow.

Winnersh.

Hello, my beautiful boys.

I'm 13 years old, and we don't say gnarly.

Ah, it's a shame for Tim.

However, some words we do say are sigma, which is a very cool person like me, is discussed.

Riz,

which is flirting ability, Dave.

Yeah, oh,

brimming with Riz around this table.

Slave.

Brimning.

Make it so like you're talking about mince pies.

Ellis,

when was the last time you rizzed?

I rizzed.

I was constantly low-level riz.

No, you haven't rizzed since the 2010s.

I am extremely full of riz and all of the joys of the season.

And apparently, instead of she ate and left no crumbs.

Which you've said a lot recently.

Yes, because my Crocs ate and left no crumbs.

Dave, is your phone on silent?

Please?

Not this again, John.

Use the little thing at the side.

No, I've changed that to AI.

What?

I've changed that so I can speak to someone when I need answers to questions.

You can change that button.

Because I'd rather just flip down and hit turn sound off and use that button to go, hey, Craig, listen, how hot is it in the Maldives right now?

That's Craig.

It's just a name that I gave my AI assistant.

Your AI assistant is wrong with us as well.

Your AI assistant is called Craig.

Well, he doesn't actually like to be named because his name is the name of the company.

I'm not going to name him a company.

Dave, but I call him Craig because I think it's playful and Hannah laughs in the background.

Dave, a very key accountant in your life is also called Craig.

And if you confront the terms,

Craigs are dying out.

Yes, like Gary.

Did you read this in the week?

The people in Gary's called Craig's anymore.

Gary's gone.

Gary's gone, and Craig is on the way.

But no, it wasn't my phone, John.

Anyway,

instead of she ate and left no crumbs, we're texting we are a texting generation, so we simply say eight.

Oh my god, so my crocs ate, Dave.

It makes it sound like now they eat even more because of their Freddy Mercury gibbets, so now they're overweight.

But it makes it sound like your Crocs are a size 8.

It's confusing.

What are your Crocs?

8?

No, I'm a 10.

I won't fit into them.

No, but you wouldn't say my, you would say my Crocs are an 8.

They're not.

They're an 11.

No.

But, yeah.

It's a good point, Dave.

Around footwear,

specific.

What shoe do you want?

I want to shoe that eight.

No, I think you'd be okay.

I think you'll be okay.

What does that mean?

What's eight and left no crumbs mean?

Like a crocodile.

I haven't understood anything for the last 90 seconds at least.

Oh, no, it does really work.

The last thing I understood was that Craigs are dying out.

No, things are so good that they eat and leave no crumbs.

They clean their plate because they ate.

Could that be one, Izzy?

They clean their plate because they ate.

I do want it to be, so it is.

But Daisy goes on, the definition of skibbody is evil, but in a good way.

Yeah, we were confused about this last week.

So skibbody toilet means an evil, in a good way, toilet.

But what's that mean?

Does that mean diarrhea, but you've enjoyed it?

Yeah, I think so.

I think it does mean that.

So like this kind of diarrhea where you could really just sip it.

No one else in the house.

You haven't done the octurdle yet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't think you're dying.

You've just eaten something a bit dodgy.

Yeah, you know what it is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's just going to be nine to twelve hours.

And skibbity Riz means evil in a good way, flirting ability.

Yeah.

Yes, yes, yes.

I feel like we're tumbling out of the under 35 demographic at the minute.

I think 13 is under 35.

I know, but it sounds like we're clueless to it all.

This sounds like we've been told.

Oh, crewed up, because I'm Skibbity Riz.

Yeah, yeah, we've actually

had.

And am Skibbity.

We've had another email on this.

This is from Emmeline to my favourite Sigmas.

Thank you.

I'm a children's book editor at Oxford University Press, and I thought you might be interested in the hashtag stats surrounding youth slang.

We publish an annual report that looks at the way children use language and what their favourite slang words are.

This year, Slay came out on top with over a quarter of children saying it was their favourite.

The term sigma and skibbity came in second and third place.

Sigma means good or cool and can be used to describe males who are regarded as cool and admirable.

So it is John's name.

He's got a lot going for him.

Especially in an independent and individualistic way.

John, you're Sigma.

Oh, yeah.

You are actually.

Kids are also showing surprise, shock, or disbelief with the phrase, what, the Sigma?

Oh, really?

Yeah.

But that's confusing.

It is confusing.

Language is confusing.

I was at school today doing the drop-off and everyone was saying Happy Friday.

When did that come in?

Well, that's just

annoying.

Anyway, I attended a meeting where the definition of skibbity was discussed at length.

I love the fact that it eventually has to become like properly codified and formalized at the OUP.

Well, fun fact, the OUP, the Oxford University Press building was a building that my college had the option of being in, but decided to build a new one.

And so they're young, and so am I.

Yeah, yeah.

And it was a fun fact.

I left it.

And now we're all having fun.

It's a beautiful building.

He ate all the food off his plates.

And left it clean.

Left it clean.

They decided

not to go in a beautiful building.

Yeah, and then built a couple of monstrosities that have since been knocked down.

Fun fact.

Fun fact.

This is good stuff.

We're having a laugh.

Right.

I attended a meeting where the definition of skibbity was discussed at length.

Eventually, it was concluded that skibbity means good and bad, and also nothing at all.

Oh no.

What a word.

The word that can mean everything.

It's good, it's bad, it's nothing at all.

Yeah, I'm trying to think what

there must be an equivalent of that because we're sat here going, come on, but I bet there was a word back when we were younger.

That meant good, bad, just meant all.

Yeah, that just was just a word that you could just throw in.

One child gave the following definition: when I'm with friends, if we're really hyped about something or just feeling silly, someone might say, skibbity.

And we're all doing the skibbity dance moves just for laughs.

Or if someone asks, how's the vibe tonight?

I might say, oh, it's totally skibbity mode to mean that we're in a high-energy, fun mood.

I hope this is helpful.

But you probably know all of this anyway due to being so hashtag young and hashtag relevant.

Love the show, keep it, the wonderful work.

Best wishes, Emmeline.

Very interesting.

Yes, was there a word in the 90s that meant good, bad, and nothing at all?

Nothing at all.

Well, you know, when I was very young, bad meant good.

Yes, my dad once gave me a very solemn chat about the fact bad meant good.

Yes.

When the Michael Jackson album came out.

out.

Yes.

And be careful.

Yes.

And there was a

computer game show on ATB called Bad Influence.

Well, actually, it was a good influence because

it didn't mean nothing at all.

No, it didn't.

No.

But I'm looking forward to us doing the skibbity dance on the odd carrots one week.

Yeah, this is going to be big as the name of your skibbity dance.

If you can remember a word from the 90s that meant good, bad, nothing at all,

WhatsApp us on 07974-293-022 or email ellisonjohn at bbc.co.uk.

Just whilst we're on being young and cool.

Yeah, we're always on that, Dave.

We're always on it.

We are the most listened to young and cool podcast.

Yeah, of course.

It's hilarious to me.

But it's facts.

I know.

It's about recycling bin colours last week has been remixed into a dub classic.

Part of being young and cool, of course, is the Carras.

Yeah.

Carousel.

That can't be seen abroad.

Are you sure about this?

Yeah.

really, yeah, not available abroad.

So, we're censored abroad.

Maybe it's too sexy.

Sexy, interestingly, is very apt for this week's Cara.

Ellis is a blooming thirst trap, it seems.

Yes, I saw the hand of AI Photoshop and Lies

in the Carousel this week, Dave.

In the comments for the Carousel this week, which is posted on Five Lines.

Because he's doing the post now.

I'm doing the flex.

All right, I'll do this.

I'll

sit in a completely neutral way.

Amy, Ellis looking fine.

Yes.

Ellis looks cool.

From D.

Han Hanscombe.

But does cool mean good or bad and the thing?

No, it means good.

It means good.

Kirstie, Ellis repping a great jawline in number four.

Thank you.

100% Walth beef, boys.

Walth beef?

Welsh beef beef.

I mean, not wealth beef.

100% Welsh beef, boys, which again, I assume, assume is to you being so blooming sexy.

Yes.

Alice James looks dead handsome.

He does look very good.

Why was he making that pose?

Because he's

to show my friendship bracelet.

Do you remember?

Oh, yes.

Rosie bought us some...

She made us some friendship bracelets.

Yeah.

And Michael took a photo of me showing off my friendship bracelet.

But there's more to it than that, Ellis.

It's good hair length.

It's good stubble length.

I've not shared this carousel yet.

What can I say?

Well, once you share it, then everyone will say how handsome you are because you also are.

I couldn't share it because there is.

Because I just shared a harrowing clip from another podcast I do, and it would have been a clash because the carousel comes out on the same day as the harrowing clips.

Yeah, it's a real harrow.

Always.

Yep, always.

I actually think that there are more comments.

I don't know if you want to read them all, Dave.

What are the other ones, Dave?

Well, a lot of them about your t-shirts.

Where can I get a t shirt?

It's fine.

We can all buy a t-shirt.

No, No, I've given you all the good.

Well, we can't buy that body.

I've given you all the good ones, Alice.

I'm not going to start making them up.

Make them up, Dave.

No,

I'd say 60% of the comments are about Ellis being sexy.

Here you go.

He needs this.

Go on.

So obviously, Dave, it's Glastonbury weekend.

Oh, you ready?

Oh, I'm ready to be in a Glastonbury frame of mind, being stuck in traffic, hot, tired and hot, hot again.

If you're stuck in traffic, it's currently 35 minutes past 11 on friday if you're stuck in traffic trying to get to glaster at 35 minutes past 11 on friday you've got it wrong let's check let's no god i'm turning into him i was just gonna check the traffic back to glasterboy it's not gonna happen

crikey moses um no but we have had an email from john it says to my sunshine boys i was emailing a colleague earlier when i noticed their automatic out-of-office reply pop-up and immediately thought of you it has definite whackaging vibes with a hint of pre-emptive banter lag, the hubris of their upcoming annual leave and Glastonbury trip spilling over into what, in my opinion, should be a brief sentence advising colleagues that A, you're on leave, B, when you'll be back.

Absolutely.

Whilst I admire their joie de viv, it made me want to delete my computer.

But judge for yourselves.

So this is an out-of-office message.

I don't use them personally, but I know they're useful to provide other contact details for people in the company.

And, you know, business leaders.

And also, my business never sleeps.

No.

I'm never out of the office because the office is my mind.

Yeah.

That's why you're so sad.

Hi, I temporarily swapped teams for tent stages and spreadsheets for set list.

No.

Living my best campervan life at Glastonbury with actual electricity and a fridge.

I'll be off grid and soaking up the sounds until Wednesday, 2nd of July.

I don't believe that.

That's very, very 60s, that's soaking up the sounds.

It's like someone would have said people would have said that on the way to the Isle of Wight Festival.

They might mean BBC sounds, of course.

Yes, good point.

Very 2020s.

Emails will be ignored in favour of questionable dancing and gourmet instant noodles.

If it's urgent, please contact Redacted.

If not, I'll reply once the last encore fades and I remember how to use Office 365.

I don't believe that.

I just can't believe someone would have done that.

Imagine setting that out out-of-office of message and then getting back to find an email telling you've been sacked for your out-of-office message.

That's gross.

Yeah, during that, Ellis punched the air, which means you must have found another compliment.

I have found another compliment, but it's been spoilt by that out-of-office.

Okay, the compliment was: I fear I may not be the only one, but this scruffy longer hair now is seriously spoon-worthy.

Thank you.

That's from Nestor underscore J.

Um, yes, just in just want to throw to all the Glastonbury coverage, of course, Dave.

Because I looked through the entire lineup and I recognised 15 bands.

Relevant to me, though, because today it's Rodmus Day today.

What's that?

I'm going to see Olivia Rodrigo in Hyde Park tonight with my daughter.

She is the headliner in Glastonbury.

She's one of the Glastonbury headliners.

And she's

Olivia Rodrigo.

Oh, right.

And she is a huge deal.

She is a huge deal.

Well, she's a headline in Glastonbury.

She's a huge deal.

I haven't heard of her.

No, she's absolutely massive.

She's massive.

And she's very, very, very John.

She absolutely hates herself.

But so why are you taking your daughter to see her?

Because my daughter loves her.

She's

like a teen pop sensation.

She's, I would say, a sort of commercial indie pop.

She's 21 and she sings a lot about relationships and being jealous of her boyfriend's exes and about relationships.

Why, because they splurt with him?

Because he's so awful.

No, but like, oh, God, you know,

I bet she's, I can't stop thinking about your ex because she's so...

I'm paraphrasing, obviously,

because I bet she was really great and better than me.

And she's very, she sings.

It's really good.

She needs to let go.

She needs to back herself.

I would agree, but she's getting record after record out of it.

So

she's 21, two albums in.

both equally high standards, sour and guts.

She's an Avril Levine for the Slay generation.

Yeah.

Yeah, she's better than Avril Levine, I'm sure.

Absolutely.

Ballad of a Homeschooled Girl is a top, top tune.

I can't.

You don't deserve to be here.

No, this is.

You don't back Avril Levine.

I think Levine.

Complicated, banger.

Skaterboy, banger.

Mobile, banger.

I'm with you, banger.

Vampire, banger.

Good for you, banger.

Obsessed, banger.

What's the one about coffee?

What?

There's one about coffee.

That's one of my own songs, Dave.

Ballad of Homeschooled Girl.

A ballad of a homeschooled girl banger.

It's banger after banger after banger after banger.

Deja vu is a banger.

Yes.

Who's there?

Who is this?

I've got a 10-year-old.

I mean, who am I?

I like Avril Levine and I've got Skibbity Riz.

I've got

an eight-year-old pops.

I've got a 10-year-old daughter.

Yes.

So you're.

I thought you made her listen to Ornette Coleman.

She does love My Bloody Valentine somehow, somehow, and she likes Dinosaur Jr.

and she loves Pavement.

Brilliant.

She doesn't like Taylor Swift.

She thinks Rodrigo's much better than Taylor Swift.

But I'm not.

Is that true, Dave?

Is Olivia Rodrigo better than Taylor Swift?

Well, Olivia Rodriguez.

I empathize with Rodrigo more.

Well, what's terrifying is like Taylor Swift isn't for the young people anymore.

Like Taylor Swift is almost seen as a bit dated, and Olivia Rodrigo is the new one coming through and is the new big name.

So it's we're already kind of past.

If you think

love is embarrassing, tune, banger.

Because love is embarrassing.

It is.

It is.

It is.

Oh, my God, those first few dates when you're trying your best is embarrassing.

It is embarrassing.

She's good.

You just need to settle in then and buy two cats.

I'll give her a go.

I'll give her a go, Dave.

You should.

You should, because it's important to keep up with the trend.

And I've just got into Zamrock, Dave.

I'm big into Zamrock now.

I listen to Witch all week.

Yeah, they're brilliant.

They are so good.

What's Zamrock?

Zambian rock music.

In the

mid-60s.

Have I talked?

I mentioned this on the show.

No, you mentioned it off air.

And then I really got into it.

In the mid-60s, after Zambia declared independence, they passed a law which said that 95% of all music on Zambian radio had to be from Zambian bands.

And because all the music they were listening to until that point was like the Rolling Stones and the Kinks and the Beatles,

this entire genre of Zambian sort of psych rock

emerged and it's fantastic.

And one of the main bands is called Witch, W-I-T-C-H, which stands for We Intend to Cause Havoc.

And they've just reformed.

They've released a new album on Partisan Records.

They're doing a gig in London in November.

And they

should go to that.

Definitely.

and their album's fantastic, yeah.

It's a great, it's a great, and there are all these bands that just got this unique blend of like African-influenced Western prog music, brilliant.

I enjoyed it so much.

We did a music in Unlikely Places uh episode of Oh, what a time, my history podcast, basically.

Because John

talked to me about Zambrock, which I'd never heard of.

Did you read up on it more?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, we did, we, yeah, it was, it's, it's really, really great, and I'd never never heard of it.

So when the copper price soared in Zambia, everyone suddenly had enough money to afford things like amplifiers and guitars, and then the copper price tanked in the 80s.

The AIDS epidemic hit, so people were unable to go out, they were stopping socializing, they were ill and dying, so the whole movement ended.

Yeah.

It's a really interesting and, you know, in some ways quite tragic story, but it's had a rebirth in the 2020s.

Because you can get the music on Spotify and Apple Music and stuff.

So it's now available for all.

Okay.

I'll go listen.

But they're not playing Glastonbury.

No.

And I

will watch a lot of music.

And I think that's Michael Evis' fault.

Or Emily Evis.

Yeah.

Six Musics coverage is fantastic.

Of course, DJ Deb Grant is there.

DJ Deb Grant is there.

DJ Nathan Shappa.

I'm going to double Rodders because I would refer to Olivia Rodrigo as Rodders.

Yeah.

My daughter loves.

Yeah, I bet she does.

So it's Rodders tonight.

Then we'll watch Rodders on Glaston, the Glasto coverage, tomorrow night.

Rodders, Rodders, Rodders, Rodders.

It's Rodman's.

She couldn't think.

She was excited, and I kept calling it Rodman's Eve.

In defence of Belgium.

Oh, this is a long email about Belgium.

Yes.

Is it...

Give it a quick scan.

Is it...

All right.

Do you know what?

After hearing Alice had been to Belgium and explore the virtues of Belgian beer, but unfortunately reinforced a perception of Belgium being boring, I feel I must jump to its defence, given I've been married to a Fleming for over 25 years.

I think I'm qualified to offer a counter-argument.

That actually wasn't the point I was trying to make.

The point I was trying to make was Belgium, for some reason in the UK, has this weird reputation for being boring, and then you go there and it's not boring at all.

Like, Brussels is great, Bruges is beautiful, and they're all hammered all the time because all the beer is like 12.5%.

This so-called boring country, somehow manages to unite medieval cities, surrealist art, waffles, and a government so complex it makes a Rubik's Cube look like a toddler's puzzle.

So yes.

That's quite boring.

If Belgium were a person.

It would be the intellectual at a party who, after two, 9% beers, casually mentions it invented French fries, produced Magritte, Adolph Sachs, Tintin, Audrey Hepburn, and Bruised Beer so good it's practically divine.

I'm not going to read all of the reasons why Belgium is great, but Paul Bradley, I agree with you.

Sorry if you thought I was having a go at Belgium.

I've been to Belgium lots of times.

And a good football team over the years.

Yes.

But should have won more.

Yes.

That Wills have played too many times.

Yeah.

But yeah,

some very good players going back.

In my experience, as far as Enzo Shifo.

God, we're back in that fascinating Belgium territory yet again.

I've got a little something before we do a John Wynns again.

Oh, okay, Dave.

I think that's important.

Do you remember a couple of weeks ago where you, Ellis Ellis James?

Someone's getting sacked.

No.

Ellis' getting sacked.

Let's see.

In fact, kind of.

Kind of.

Yeah, and I'm not the one sacking him.

We have a special contributor to sack him instead.

Oh, my God.

It's Tim Davey here on the back of a horse he's out with.

Is this fun?

I thought I heard the clip-clop of tiny hooves.

I don't think I like this feature when I get sacked by a special guest.

That's bullying.

All right, well.

Are we giving Ellis a red card?

I wanted to to read Erin in Connecticut's email about Tony Jett's post-war, but I'm going to get sacked by.

Yeah, give that to John.

You're not going to be needing that.

All right, I'll tick it.

Thank you, Erin.

A couple of weeks ago, you got a bit.

I don't like this at all.

I don't know the unpleasant vibe here.

Because obviously this show is improvised, so I don't remember things I said a couple of weeks ago.

Just to put you at ease, because you do look stressed now.

Yeah,

you're over the moon five minutes.

My mortgage,

my mortgage.

You're still sexy, and Belgium is still interesting.

I'm incredibly reliant on the continued success of the show, which is why when John talks about retirement, I don't like it.

That's over the terms of my mortgage agreement.

Yeah,

anyway, so I can concentrate on my sports podcast.

Just to put you at ease, this is a bit of fun.

All right.

It's a mock execution.

Like they did to the Lebanese hostages during the crisis.

Come on, Michael, get out the stocks and all the rotten fruit.

A couple of weeks ago,

we were playing a made-up game, and you got a little bit agitated by how the game was panning out.

Let's have a listen back.

I don't like this,

Greg.

Turn the tension.

Absolutely not.

Leave it on Zoff.

Don't listen to him.

This is part of the conversation.

Yeah, but you don't have someone on.

If you get another crowd booing you, we can replace it with that if you want.

Yeah.

Actually.

Sorry, Chris Tarrant.

This Who Wants to be a Millionaire drone is putting me off.

Can we we turn it off?

Never heard that.

I'd have that conversation via Toby.

I'd say, have a word with your dad.

I'd get him to have a word with Clarkson.

I'd get him to have a word with Clark.

They must know each other.

At that level, they all do.

I've gone straight to Toby.

Right.

Toby's gone straight to Chris.

Chris has gone straight to Clarkson.

Clarkson's gone straight to hell.

I want to vote to be sucked by Jeremy Clarkson.

So let's get Chris Tarrant's take on proceedings.

Hello, Ellis.

This is Chris Tarrant.

I was listening to the show the other day and I heard you complaining that the background music was so loud you couldn't think about the answers to what seemed, I must say, a fairly straightforward, simple quiz.

Well,

I hosted nearly 700 episodes of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and In all that time, not one single contestant ever complained about the music being too loud for them to concentrate?

Did Judith Keppel ever complain about the music on her way to winning a million pounds?

No.

Did George Michael say, this music's crap and it's much too loud.

Can't you play Careless Whisper?

No.

Did Sir Paul McCartney whinge about the theme music and ask, couldn't we swap it for She Loves You?

No.

Did Sir Alex give me the hairdryer because the music was too loud and was making him cross?

No.

Did the cheating major complain that the music was so loud that he couldn't hear the coughs no

you are using the music to cover the fact that you know nothing you are an ignoramus you are a sicko whereas your colleagues john and producer dave clearly live on an altogether higher intellectual plane they are magnificent they are lions

you ellis sir are a wimp and a winger

i don't mean to be unkind unkind.

Bye, mate.

Bye.

It's unbelievable.

I'm just making

some notes.

Yeah.

Because I thought that was superb.

Dave, you and I are magnificent lions.

Yeah.

And Ellis is a wimp and a whiner.

And a thicko.

And a nigger remus.

We used to watch you once be a millionaire as a family.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I never, ever, if you'd have told me then,

in about 25 years' time, 26, 27 years' time, Chris Tarrant would be calling you a wimp and a thick court and ignoramus.

What's he on?

Five grand an epsilon?

Don't work out the remuneration, John.

700ps, 3.5 million.

Amazing.

You don't know how to do it.

He might be doing it for free.

The real thing, John, is it's Jasper Cannot's company that

came up with the format.

I don't.

I don't know if that's true.

It was a producer at Capital.

Well, it was Jasper Cutt's company because he sold it all over the world.

Oh, yeah.

But I don't, yeah, you might be right.

But I remember it was a producer that I think produced Chris's Capital show.

Wow.

And they talked about it a load off air, and then eventually they said, we just need to go and do this.

Now, maybe that's when Jasper's company got involved.

But I think the seeds of the idea came from a producer and a presenter sat in a studio.

just as the songs were as the Begs were playing, going, we need to do something about this million pound game.

Yes, the format of the show was created created by David Briggs, Mike Whitel, and Stephen Knight, who had earlier created a number of the promotional games for Talent's morning show on Capital FM radio, such as the Bong game.

Yeah.

What?

The Bong game.

As in the sound effects.

Yeah.

Or the method of...

No.

I think Chris asking questions after doing blowbacks.

Is it?

Tentatively known as Cash Mountain.

The show took its finalised title from a song written by Carl Porter, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah.

So it came from radio.

Wow, wow, wow.

And how, and yet we can't get made-up games on it.

And yet,

because it was a Celador show, wasn't it?

And Celador was funded by

Paul Smith and Jasper Carrot, one of his funder shareholders.

The most impressive thing about that clip is he did that on a hangover after being at Ascot all day the day before.

Oh, wow.

He's just one of those complete proses.

He just

switched into games.

Clarent bleeds broadcasting.

He does.

And that was one take, you could tell.

That was great.

Do you reckon at Asker?

He'd seen Tim Davey running along at the side

in a top hat.

He must get so many people saying, you know, is that your final answer?

Whenever he's at the bar.

In fact, Izzy used to work in a theatre bar in on the Strand,

one of the big theatres there.

And he was at a show and he said, I'd like two glasses of white wine and a pint of lager, please.

And Izzy said, is that your final answer?

And he loved it

and laughed and pretended it was the first time anyone had ever made that joke great and i and i've always liked chris talent since then i've always thought fair play to you yeah it would be very easy to go yeah i get it yeah yeah yes

that doesn't make sense because he didn't ask me a question

yeah yeah yeah yeah that yeah the robbins technique

that's what i would say i would say let's do that again you said what can i get you i think she might have said what yeah i think she would have said what would you like if you said two glasses of wine and a pint of magazine i'd have have had her sacked.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the drinks for free.

Yeah, good guy.

Thank you, Chris.

Thanks, Chris.

That was very nice.

Some of the people she served in that theatre were very famous and they weren't always as forthcoming.

Ooh.

Who?

I can't.

I'm not going to say on air.

Can you write it down like you wrote Sid and Thief?

Yeah, what for the carrot?

No, for me.

Yeah, sure.

Write one down for me.

There was, this isn't nice for the listeners, though.

They don't feel included in the fun now, John.

Okay,

okay, banky moon.

Really?

Well, let's take time to chat in with Britain's conscience, Mr.

Adrian Chiles.

Ellis and John coming up shortly.

How are you, fellows?

Very good, Adrian.

How are you?

Yes, good, thanks.

I've got something for us to look forward to, Ellis.

Oh, yeah.

Do you know that Swansea, once again, it seems to me, are at home to West Brom on New Year's Day?

And as I've said before, I think

we should, before going to the game, meet up and go skinny dipping at a beach of your choice on Gower.

John can join us or watch from afar or whatever suits him.

Well, he could bring the video camera because it would be great social media content, wouldn't it?

The two of us skinny dipping.

Yes.

New Year's Day.

New Year's Day.

No, this is what's wrong with the BBC.

What's wrong?

We don't have enough of this, or we shouldn't have any of this.

We're in the middle of an England-India Test series, which has seen one of the most historic comebacks in the history of Test cricket.

And you're talking about the fixtures.

Okay,

in the offseason.

no we're talking about nudity yeah yes that that's exactly what we are uh talking about also i've got something for you john the um i was listening to uh an item this week about this new fantastic telescope at an observatory in chile is this for me yes it is you do strike me as someone who will have a telescope

you'll hear why um just have a listen to this the sheer scale of the camera on this telescope is so impressive.

It could see a golf ball on the moon.

Well, that's what you need.

You're playing the game of...

If you can see a golf ball on the moon with this thing, then surely you can find it in the rough.

Every golfer should have one.

I think we found the camera I'll be using for you and Ellis skinny dipping.

Very nice.

Very gorgeous.

Well, the reason you can find a golf ball in the moon is because there is no rough.

It's essentially an entire planet of fairway

or a big bunker depending on how you look at it that's true you need to know where the golf ball was that's true that is true um i want you to think of me this weekend because i'm losing my glastonbury virginity for reasons i won't go into i've been bullied into going to glastonbury i'm quite scared about if i'm going on my motorbike so i can attempt a steve mcqueen style escape

if it doesn't quite suit me on the motorbike taxi service that you use no on my own motorbike you own a motorbike adrian great big throbbing motorbike i mean it's like a police style

it's not a sort of bent over so you can see the top of my bomb type racing bike it's uh it's quite sedate what is it like a sort of honda pan european it it's it's not that one it's a yamaha but it's a similar thing yeah okay okay i didn't know adrian this changes everything does it have you've got leathers

no not not leathers It's more.

You need leathers, Adrian Laura, because they measure the amount of time your skin stays on your body when you come off a bike in hundredths of a second.

Of course, you need leathers.

Okay.

Well, no,

I've got the correct protective way.

I find it a very mindful thing, motorcycling, oddly.

I mean, you, you probably find that difficult to understand, but I know you two find it mindful being on stage doing stand-up, which feels like the least mindful thing possible to me.

Flow state.

Yeah, that's I get flow state from being on stage.

When it's going well and you're thinking differently to how you usually think, that is a really nice feeling.

I just, I've never known that you were a motorbicyclist.

Would you like to come for a ride with me?

No, no, absolutely.

No chance.

Especially not if you're heading to Glastonbury.

I'm scared of cat.

Okay.

I didn't like you, Dave.

I don't know why you've popped up.

I was talking to you.

So you wouldn't come either, Dave.

That was Alice doing it.

I'm sorry.

That was me doing the impression of Dave.

Oh, was it?

Yeah, sometimes there's a song like I'm from Manchester.

I'm just getting a cup.

What are you going to do, at

Glastonbury, Adrian?

I'm going to write something for The Guardian.

And just

try and...

I don't know.

I feel like I'm going to a Doctor Who convention when I've never seen an episode of Doctor Who.

I just don't feel as if.

You've never seen the music.

No, the road.

Who are you going to see?

Who the music?

I don't know.

I'll just wander around just in a state of confusion and hope to see something I like.

Okay, Adrian, let's talk column titles.

Okay.

I learned more at Bridgewater services than I did in the healing field.

Oh, that's very good.

£9.99 for a fleffal rep.

I'll stick to Harry Remsen's.

That's half a rusky.

All right, that's food for thought.

Thank you very much, Ellis and John.

I think you've been sent a picture of me on my bike,

if you're interested.

There you go.

We'll talk more next week.

Thank you very much, gentlemen.

Just at 12.30.

Cheers.

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John, shall we crank up your wins?

Oh, yes, please.

Okay, here we go.

John wins again.

Oh, John wins again.

John wins again.

John wins again.

Wins again.

Wins again.

Oh,

I've got a feeling it's going to be a close week, guys.

Oh, tension.

Jeopardy.

Fresh wins.

Hot off the baker's press.

Hold on, I need to scribble.

Okay.

Okay.

First win in the cafe downstairs this morning.

The very lovely chap who works there gave me half a slice of Snickers cake on the house free Snickers free Snickers cake why what what what had you done previously expressed an interest in cakes right

and it's probably to do with your riz

well it's due to

free cake

but no I often discuss new cake additions

And I will...

So you get barmaid sack for making innocent jokes and then you discuss cake additions additions with staff who don't know you.

Yeah, well, sometimes what I'll do,

if there's a new cake that's getting close to the end, I'll reserve a slice.

So I don't want it now, but could I have the last slice of that cake?

And I'll pay for it now.

Yeah, yeah.

But I'd like to.

And we just have a bit of banter about cakes.

Good banter.

And obviously, I spend about 350 quid there a week on cakes.

Yes.

So I'm a valued customer.

Next, we begin a complex tale.

You've got to keep count here, Dave.

There's some wins and losses, yes.

Okay.

I went for a run.

Good boy.

Thank you.

Is that a win?

That's always a win.

Well, I've done three runs this week, so I'm back up to my training schedule after a bit of a break post-Costa Rica.

I'm going to say three runs is a win.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

100%, yeah.

Now, I was using this run to test whether I could consume carb chews whilst out of breath.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So some carbs come in a gel.

I did this before Linda Druiten realized that I can't peddle and drink at the same time.

So I had my carb chews in my um elasticated pocket on the uh the lycra inners of my running shorts.

I also keep my spare key in that elastic uh inner.

now

i attempted to eat the carb chew uphill but it's like a turkish delight basically yeah yeah yeah and it was too claggy right i'm chewing too much i can't breathe yeah yeah yeah it's no good um so i thought well i'll take it on the downhill so i ran up to the gate that i touch turned around got it out on the downhill

I catch something out of the corner of my eye.

I think a bit of the carb chew has flown off into the wind.

I'm not going to stop it.

I'm not going to stop and find it because that's going to affect my time because I'm one for a good time here.

So I'll just carry on.

But I did agree that the carb chew was...

It's not...

You can't eat it in race competition.

It's not the one.

It's not the one.

I'm going to stick to the gels, which is unfortunate because the carb chews were on offer and I did buy 60 of them.

6-0.

In for a penny and for a pounding.

Yeah, in for a penny and for a pounding.

Is this a loss at this stage or are we getting to the loss?

I think I can guess.

Yeah, I think I can all see where we're going.

The chew is a a success because even though the test was a failure, I tested it in practice conditions.

I don't want to be finding that out on the London Marines.

No, absolutely not.

Absolutely not.

Anyway, I get home.

Go to open my door.

We're key-less.

Now,

my next-door neighbor has a spare.

That's a win because there's a system in place.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I agree with that.

My next door neighbour is a spare.

However,

there's a loss because I've made a mistake.

Yeah, yeah,

and she's in Spain.

No,

she has the key.

We get in the house.

I think, I know where I've lost it.

I know, because I remember catching something out of the corner of my eye, thinking it was the carb chew, because when I took the carb chew out of my pocket, I must have flung the key out.

So I haven't got much time at this point, but I walk the route,

which is 5k, so it takes me an hour.

Oh, God.

You cannot drive it?

No.

Oh, okay.

It's over the hills and far away.

I don't find it, which is annoying.

So that's...

You needed a metal detector.

I used to own a metal detector.

Do you remember like that fantastic...

Was it Mad Dad where he threw his keys to test his metal detector?

Yeah,

in the Australian guy, and it was Sunny who got sick of it.

So

I didn't find it on my hour-long walk, which made me late for therapy.

So that's a loss.

That's putting you in a bad mood, I'm guessing.

Yes.

Then, later that evening, I went for chippies.

Okay.

And when I drove back, I thought I'm going to walk the route again.

Yeah, that's what I would do.

I did it again.

Another hour.

This time took a bit longer because I was really, like, inching around, looking in the grass.

And I walked the whole route, couldn't find it.

I got to the little post I touched with my hand at the two and a half K mark.

I think, I wonder if someone's hanging on the gate behind the post.

And fallen down in between the two bits of wood on a couple of nails is my key.

Incredible.

But it's covered in dog mess.

It's not.

So that's a win because I found my key.

But it's also a loss because I didn't check the gate the first time and I should have done because that's the only place where

a community-spirited dog walker would have been able to hang it.

You can't beat yourself up for that, though.

Yeah, but

there's inefficiencies in the whole left, right, and center.

However, it does end at sunset with me holding my spare key.

What are we looking at, Dave?

I not that this isn't

I mean, this isn't a manifesto.

No.

But occasionally when I lose something,

the feeling of relief when I find that thing is so overwhelming, it's almost like

it was worth losing it in the first place.

It wasn't worth it because it did take nearly two hours out of my day.

Yeah.

But yeah, I'm obviously glad.

And I could have got it re-cut because I could get into my house.

So I could have just forgotten about it completely.

Yeah, it's not a nice feeling, though, knowing that you've got your key is in the world.

Anyway, so what are we on so far, Dave?

You've got your three Snickers cake, your three runs this week, your spare key was next door, and you found your keys.

I've got us four wins.

Currently, three losses, which is carb chew clagginess.

No, that's not a loss.

Sure.

No, because I now know that.

Yeah.

The whole point of the body.

Now

he can make informed decisions around his carpet tubes.

Yeah, imagine if I'd done the London Marathon with 60 carb tubes in a rucksack, Dave.

I had to stop and sit down on the bench every time I wanted to eat one because they're so claggy.

With a knife and fork.

Late for therapy?

No, I wasn't late for therapy.

You just literally challenge Arthur.

Dave, are you listening to every single word I've been saying?

I'm trying.

So you weren't late for therapy.

No, but I just had limited time.

Okay, just cross that one out.

Apply me.

In which case, the only loss I've got is lost keys at at the minute.

Well, also didn't find them on my first reconnaissance mission.

But that's lost keys.

No.

The first one is the keys coming out of the pockets, I put them in the same pocket as well.

It's double loss.

Then it's going back to look for them and not checking the gate, which an ordered mind would have said.

The gate is the only place a community-spirited dog walker can leave them.

But you haven't got an ordered mind.

You're a free-wheeling creative, for God's sake.

I'm not a free-wheeling creative.

Let's be free.

You're someone who writes stand-up shows and is at the Edinburgh Festival.

You know, Dave didn't check Gate first time is a loss.

Okay.

This is going to look messy on the camera.

Sorry, everyone, in future.

This is for the positive column, Dave.

Hold on, I'm still writing.

I'm a slow writer.

Didn't check, Dave.

That's since primaries.

Go on then.

Poppies!

My poppies are in bloom.

Of course, my neighbour planted loads of cool stuff in my garden, and every morning there's a new poppy, and by the evening, all the petals have fallen off, and it's turned into its little seed helmet.

And then you think, then they're all closed up, and you think, there's no way that's going to be out in the morning.

And then it's there!

And the bees go nutso cablozzo.

They're mad in this big poppy.

It's great.

Yeah.

My son is growing a nasturtium and it actually is growing.

Oh, that's nice really exciting i've never successfully grown a plant before is he gonna put it in the garden yes in the garden lovely um

okay bad haircut is this gonna go over my a4 piece of paper john if you continue to make errors yeah it will

What your current haircut?

Yes.

I think you look nice, John.

No.

Worst haircut experience since Reflections 1998 where my scalp got burnt by an intern using bleach.

Wow.

Yeah, it bled.

My mother got my money back, and I, for years, thought we should have sued for millions.

I think you should have sued.

Did you get punched in the stomach or something?

No, I was walking to a gig after the show last week, right?

I walked across London.

I walked from here to Sloane Square.

Wow.

Took me about an hour and 10 minutes.

But I was running so early.

I thought I walked past this hairdresser, and there was no one in there apart from the hairdresser.

Always a bad sign.

I thought, you got you need a haircut before the gig.

Just nip in there.

It's only going to take 20 minutes.

I sat down, immediate alarm bells.

First off, no words at all spoken by the hairdresser.

When it comes to you needing a haircut,

you know,

I do refer you to the Cara where that person said Ellis's longer hair is seriously swoon-worthy.

It's really gone to his head, hasn't it?

Yeah, it's quite weird.

I like it.

Yeah, it's true.

It's actually very unattractive, this Alice.

So well done.

You've ruined it.

Also, long, my long hair my long hair doesn't look good on me anyway so um I sit down no words so I say um oh just uh

number five and um not too sh by this point he's got his clippers she has got her clippers in hand and you know those videos of Australian men trying to beat records for sheep shearing it's literally banging and it's horrible

and I'm thinking I'm in trouble I am now in an emergency and there's nothing I can do That would ruin my confidence.

It's horrible.

And

here's a key signifier.

Has she even offered to wash your hair?

No, nothing.

Nothing.

That's it.

As soon as no one offers to wash your hair before, they're just taking clippers to it, I think, is an immediate red flag.

Well, just it's hitting my head.

So my head's actually in pain.

And I'm thinking I can't escape.

No.

Because I could call it all off, but then I've got like two sheep-sheared short marks through my hair.

Once the first shearing has taken place you have to then commit to the rest of the haircut unfortunately

so okay i'm thinking all right it's just clippers just live with the pain and the fear

um but how much bloody bloody brave how much can go wrong with clippers then gets the scissors out and starts to brush my hair like she was punishing a victorian girl

like coming back in with knotted hair and like grabbing the brush and just like as as if it's like how did you let your hair cut like this?

Okay, then starts, you know, when they squirt water into your hair and then like give a guide for how much they're going to take off, none of that, straight in, straight in, and I said, Oh, not too much.

And she says, I take as much as is needed.

No,

those were the only words she spoke to me throughout the whole process.

So, everyone in that hairdresser or barber must get the same haircut then.

Yes, oh, I was getting the haircut.

There was no choice, there was no chance that I was getting any haircut that I wanted.

Yes,

there was a hairdresser like that when I was a kid in Camarthen.

And you had basically army cut number one, army cut number two.

Yeah.

Or my friend Paul and his own unique haircut, or the Paul.

I just had to concentrate on my breath.

Yeah.

And tipped.

Why did I do that?

Why did I do that?

Why did you do that?

Why did I do that?

You keep the change for that horrible experience and the bad haircuts.

Well, you're spreading the wealth.

Yeah, yeah, doesn't matter.

Haircut horror show.

Yeah, haircut horror show.

It's...

I certainly didn't think...

I certainly don't think you look bad, John, if that's anything.

That's very kind

of consolation.

Okay, from haircut horror show to Uber catastrophe.

After the gig, I need to get an Uber home, right?

And I think, okay.

Do I order the Uber before I go on stage to close the show?

No.

in order to save precious time and beat the surge that will happen as people leave the venue?

Or do I stop being such a bloody screwed-up, wound-up old so-and-so and just vibe it?

Because you're a free-wheeling creative.

Yeah, so I thought I'm not going to be worrying about whether there's an Uber while I walk on stage to say, well done, Alan Davies.

Right?

I'm just going to slope off after the gig and just grab a cap, for goodness sake.

I would never order while the gig was still taking place.

Yeah.

Well the reason I do is so that I don't end up spending 40 minutes wandering around Sloane Square at midnight.

Eventually the Uber driver that does pick me up I said oh thanks mate it's been a nightmare trying to find some and he said yeah I declined your request five times

I'm taking you home out of an act of good of good what did he say out of an act of charity because he was because my my the distance I was going was so far no one wanted to take me.

No, I was just

well that wouldn't have changed whether you'd done it five minutes before.

It would, because there was a surge in people taking Ubers as they came out of the venue.

There's 600 people leaving at the same time.

Yeah.

So what's this, an Uber misstep?

Well it's an Uber catastrophe.

It's Uber catastrophe.

I went to a nice wood.

That's the final one.

Oh well done.

Went to Epping Forest.

I've never been there before.

And I loved it.

Is it an ancient forest?

I've never been to Epping Forest.

I don't know anything about it.

It is an ancient forest.

Yes, yes, I would say.

So, where are we at, Dave?

Nice

wood.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

Darn it.

It's a draw, John.

It's 6.

Okay, feels about right for the week.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, it's even.

You're even keeling.

And that's okay.

Busy week.

Busy week.

Johnny boy.

Okay, well, I'm going to read this email email because it really, really made me laugh.

Hello, my Humpty Little Dumpties and Colin.

I listened with great enjoyment to the Shamewell where the stag accidentally got a cab home to London whilst in Newcastle.

And it reminded me of a stagdo I went to circa 2014.

One of the attendees is well known for having a wobble on nights out and regularly leaving quietly.

Something about the drink makes him take all small jibes personally.

He's a well-loved, good egg, and very aware of this, but unable to stop it.

On night one of the Stagdo in Cardiff he got said hump presumably because someone said something innocuous though he never worked out what.

He decided he was going home,

got a rank taxi to agree to take him back to Torbay

which is between Exeter and Plymouth.

Good grimness of south coast of Devon.

Back to Torbay at a cost of 275 quid and quietly left us.

We carried on and ended up back in the hostel very late, maybe early if you call in, only vaguely concerned he wasn't there.

At about 7am, as the first of us were stirring due to the savage hangovers, he woke back into the bunk room and got into bed without saying a word.

It turned out he'd got home at 3am, realised he was being a silly sausage, and immediately some arranged another cab back to Cardiff in the hope he could sneak back in seamlessly.

Wow.

Needless to say, he was around 500 quid down and pretty sheepish in the morning.

I'm glad to say we all found the humour in it, and after some gentle ribbing, God, you would be gentle, wouldn't you?

Don't want him to go to the bushes.

But you would need to rib, because that is nuts, though.

Nuts.

A 500-quid taxi.

My God.

Wow.

And after some gentle ribbing, he was back in the fold.

He didn't even have a wobble that evening.

He was in great form for the rest of the weekend.

God, it's like going on the piss with a grenade.

You would be very conscious in your self-talk of like, yeah, right, we can't have another wobble tonight because that's then going to be a grand.

Yeah, a grand.

Thanks for reminding me of this fascinating insight into the drunken human psyche alma best, Matt.

Wow.

I mean, part of me has a bit of admiration from someone who just takes themselves out of the situation.

But you would have, I would probably have gone for a little walk and then gone back to the hostel.

It's the cost.

Oh, yeah, it's the cost.

I'd say, guys, I'm just going to grab a bit of fresh air.

Yeah.

I would have said.

I'll maybe see you back at the hostel.

Not, I'm going to spend three hours in a cab.

Yes, a long way to be from Cardiff.

You know, it's good.

It's over two and a half hours, definitely.

Is it?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, it's further on than Exeter.

Fair play for him for going back, though.

It's quite nice.

He had a little word with himself.

Thank you to Ellen Connecticut for my East German book recommendation.

I've had so many East German book recommendations, which I love.

So thank you very much, because I'm fascinated by East Germany.

You've also had a lovely recommendation for a holiday you could go on.

Yes.

Do you think you'll do that?

I think I will go to East Germany.

I was talking about this with someone else.

So I would say...

That's called Germany now, unless be very careful to say that when you get there.

What I mean, the old East Germany.

The East of Germany.

And

I was talking to my friend Richard, who listens to this podcast, actually, because he used to live there just after unification.

And I talked to a for another show Simon Price.

Oh yeah.

So he's so I might think I'm at Berlin is the place.

I've never been to Berlin so I'd like to go to Berlin.

Berlin's great point.

I loved this email from Lawrence.

Lawrence says hello to you all but mostly John.

I was keen to listen in on the drive for efficiency of your friend and colleague Colin from a couple of weeks back.

Whilst I'm not sure that I'd like to holiday with Colin, I think I'd like to live with him.

That is, assuming he would buy into the Every Journey Counts dictatorship that I run in my family.

In an attempt to prevent my household from becoming like the streets of Birmingham after a month-long bin strike, I've installed a simple rule.

Every time you leave one room and go to the next, take something with you, because every journey counts.

Basically, my mother does this.

I'd never noticed it, but Izzy pointed it out.

She just doesn't stop.

There's always something being cleaned.

What if there's nothing in the room that needs taking?

Get rid of the telly.

Yeah, you're actually going to say,

It's not just moving stuff around the house for no reason.

Dave, let's listen to Lawrence as he can tell you.

There'll always be a cup, Dave.

With a 15- and 12-year-old daughter and a wife who is a top-level professional at getting things out but not putting them away,

we desperately needed a mechanism to solve the issue of S being left all over the house.

I love this.

Mechanisms.

That's what I want in my household.

Mechanisms, tactics, structures, hacks, efficiencies.

So, if you're leaving the lounge, take your blooming shoes with you and put them in the basket.

If removing from the bathroom to the kitchen, take the cardboard luroll thingy, your

toothpaste box with you and put it in the recycling.

I do this, Lawrence.

Yeah, this is all good stuff.

Lawrence, can I just discuss my toothpaste box landing technique?

So when I open a new toothpaste and I take it out of the toothpaste box,

because I've got multiple toothpastes under the sink because they're bought when on offer.

I use high-end toothpaste.

We know the brand.

Yeah.

So I then take the box with me and I walk from bedroom, from bathroom to bedroom.

Between bathroom and bedroom is landing.

So I exit, drop, enter bedroom, towel dry, deodorize, moisturize, dress, and then the box is at the top of the stairs for me to take down.

Yes.

Is it on like top of the banister, so you don't even have to bend down?

No, I do have to bend down actually um because i've got no banister because i just don't care

what if i fall

out of curiosity

with your high-end toothpaste because of uh is it mouth ulcers

yeah sodium laurith sulphate yeah he got me on board back in the day um if it was on offer

how many tubes of toothpaste are you buying great question I was recently interviewing Naga Munchetti about this

well you'd be surprised one of the things on Naga's gratitude list was bulk buying, the capacity to bulk buy and

store excess lu-roll.

Yes.

My friend has a garage full of lu-roll.

Well, it struck me that I do, considering my house is very small, I do actually have two rooms I rarely go in because they've just got my files and my meditation mat in there.

So I could use the extra space to store toothpaste when it's on offer.

But as a rule, if it's three for two, I'll get three.

So you've got then nine?

No, I'll get three tubes if it's on three for two.

Oh, right, okay.

If it's just on offer, I'll just buy two.

Okay, okay.

So like if it's 10% off, you're not winning 100 tubes.

No.

Right, okay.

No.

Lawrence continues, never go empty-handed.

This may sound simple, but without it, the house is soon an S tip.

As a self-appointed master of this, I go one step further.

And in my morning kitchen routine, to prepare cups of tea, pack lunches for the girls, and breakfast for all, every stride must count.

Boil kettle, two steps right, get two cups, turn, knife, spoon, two plates, and bowl, bread and toaster, perfect timing.

Kettles boiled, but don't go to the kettle empty-handed.

Get milk out as pouring water onto tea bags.

Stir.

Whilst brewing, reach down for crisps for lunchbox, etc., etc.

If I take two strides without something moving to where it needs to be, I'm peed off.

My wife, who takes out 435 spice jars to just use one and never puts any of them back, might need to arm wrestle Colin for the right to live with me because, as things stand, I want him in my life.

Keep up the great work, Lawrence.

Lawrence, I love you, and we're now married.

I used to like, when I used to wake up very, very early for things, I used to occasionally put my tea bag in my cup the night before.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know, because you're saving seconds.

Lawrence, another motto you might like to add to the household is never touch anything twice.

Give me an example.

Oh, I'm at my laptop looking at the footse.

How do you type anything?

No.

Well, I'm

just looking at the footsie.

Okay.

With your hand sitting on your hands.

I've finished my cup of tea, right?

But you only had one sip of it.

No, stop being

a bit.

Stop being facetious.

Do you know what I used to get called a lot as a child facetious?

So stop being facetious.

Okay, I suppose I suppose a long straw.

You know what I mean, and you're being facetious.

I actually don't know what you mean.

No, I don't yet.

So I'm looking forward to it.

You put down your cup of tea, you go to the toilet, right?

I'm popping upstairs, the toilet.

Now, what I do is I pick up my tea, and that's the first touch.

How do you zip back up?

Fashion saucity is creeping in again.

So I've now got my cup of tea in my hand.

Yeah, Peter's just flopping over.

No, no, no.

He's had his one touch.

He's sacked.

Dave, you're on the line.

He's had his one.

Now,

what Lawrence may be used to is behavior whereby either the tea stays next to the laptop after it's been finished, or it gets taken into the kitchen and put on the side.

That's where we're touching things twice.

Because in order to then get it in the dishwasher, you're going to have to touch it again.

So the teacup, when you stand up and go to the loo, goes straight from your hand into the dishwasher.

As long as you've finished it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But there's no resting.

But that's, there's so many flaws in this job.

There's not, Dave.

There is, because if you need to go, I'm thinking about my house, right?

I'm in my office.

Yeah.

I'm going to take my cup of tea.

It's actually more time consuming for me to go all the way to the dishwasher than it is for me to put it on the on the hallway shelf, go to the toilet,

come back down.

No, but that would save me time due to my layout in my house life just

picking up the dishwasher and putting cups in it isn't that just what life is dave in that case actually you're right because it's similar to my um toothpaste box drop policy because you're upstairs yeah which is different if your dishwasher's downstairs i think it's hugely dependent on the layout of your house this yeah So if your life is so perfect with all of these efficiencies, what's going wrong?

Nothing's going wrong.

Everything's going right apart from the odd mistake where I mistake my spare key for a chunk of carb chew.

Yeah.

And he falls off his stairs because he's not got any banisters.

But for example, if Lawrence's partner or children were getting into bed, taking off their socks and chucking them on the floor and thinking I'll deal with them in the morning, they're touching them twice.

So it's socks off remain in hand to the

dirty washing bin.

If you've got your dirty washing bin with the top off, you can chuck them in from the the bed.

Yes.

That's good fun.

That's another efficiency that also, as Davis pointed out, adds a bit of levity.

Yeah, it's a gaming element.

Yeah.

But anyway, Lawrence, that's just maybe for you and me.

I don't think

these layabouts understand the don't touch things twice.

Well, no, but I don't know if Lawrence does.

Yeah, Lawrence does.

No, you've not asked him.

I know, Lawrence.

Me and Lawrence are connected.

We should get Lawrence on the show.

Lawrence's efficiencies are fantastic.

Yeah, I know, but Lawrence is going to understand

the not touching things twice rule.

I think he might absolutely hate it.

No way.

He's going to hate it.

I get it.

I think it's difficult to implement.

Not if you live alone or with compliant family members.

If you're weak.

Hang on.

What was it?

What is it, Chris Tarrant called you?

If you're a wimp, a winger, thicko, and an inklerabus.

Then maybe it's hard to implement.

If you're a magnificent lion, like me, who is head of his own pride of one, then yeah, easy to implement.

And I think Lawrence is a magnificent lion.

Yes.

Oh, he is.

It would be very interesting to see the two of them together.

Would as forces, would they repel?

What, John and Lawrence?

Yeah.

We'd repel dirt and inefficiency.

But what I always think with those people, though, if their methods are slightly different.

Have you ever been on holiday with two Collins?

Ah,

not possible.

It's not possible.

No, not possible.

Because then they're like rutting stags.

And they're like, well, I actually think it'd be quicker to use the Metro this way.

Well, I've googled it.

Blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, well, my friend lives here.

And she told me.

Thank you, everyone.

From the Lawrences and Lions to the Idiots and the Ignoramuses.

We love you all.

We love you all.

And you're all welcome.

Because people are different.

Bureau Deshonge up tomorrow, of course.

Oh, yeah, and it's going to take about half an hour to record.

Oh, cool.

Only I am going to see Levi Rodrigo tonight.

Do bear that in mind.

And I do need to print out a copy for Ellis and highlight his lines.

Okay, good.

Anyway, thank you very much for warding.

We'll be back with you for the Buddha tomorrow.

Goodbye.

Bye.

Sucks.

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We demand to be quality.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs.

Playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.