#448 - Doob Monsters, Access To Washers and I Don’t Know Hague

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Hello, listeners.

Geldof finds

James.

What do these people have in common?

All three of them have raised significant sums for charity.

All three of them understand the meaning of the word grueling.

All three of them are regarded as treasures.

Fines in Geldof National, James Carmarthen, stretching as far east as Vlandelo and Van Wihangel Kilvalkan.

Bob had band-aid, Randolph Kleim's Everestral Laugh, and on Sunday, I cycled from London to Brighton with my friend jazz drummer Dave.

It took hours.

I shook hands with distress.

I put my arm around suffering and said not today.

I stared pain right in the eyes and got off with it for each.

The day began badly.

At 7.18am a man pointed out that I wasn't as good at company connecting as I used to be and my confidence took a hit.

But utilising the techniques I learnt from a sports psychologist on last week's show, I was able to dismiss those negative thoughts.

Not dismiss them entirely, because if you listen back, a conversation that was meant to change my mindset is completely railroaded by John, who's just desperate to talk about amateur coffee.

And I let that happen

because my mindset needs to change.

On a 54-mile bike ride plus the five miles to Clapham from my house and the three miles back to jazz drummer Dave's car, nutrition and macros are absolutely key.

So I started the day biting six cold sausages and having enough coffee to make me go to the toilet twice.

The second time, annoyingly, was after I'd put my cycling shorts on, which slowed things down more than I felt comfortable with, I almost had an accident.

We began the ride at 7.30am, and although jazz drum a day felt good at the first checkpoint, as we'd only cycled 13 miles and it wasn't even 9 o'clock, I made a stop so I could have a wee, some haribo and a hamburger.

At this level, your macros count.

Quick selfie, the bloke was suggested we drop company connection because it was tarnishing my legacy and we were on our way.

After last year's sunburnt forearms disaster, I was fully creamed up and I felt great.

By the time we were 20 miles in, David exhausted his opinions on the contemporary jazz scene, so we talked about how annoying the handsome topless broke who kept doing wheelies was for eight miles.

I get it mate, you've got a nice body.

If I had a body like that, I'm sure I'd do a 54 mile shelter bike ride topless as well, but I'm in my mid-forties and we'd stop for another burglar and some harrowboat checkpoints two and three, so by that point I looked like the kind of football fan who throws plastic chairs at foreign police.

By midday, the biggest challenge of the day was upon us, Ditchling Beacon.

A category 4 climbed steep enough to be included in the 1994 and 2014 incarnations of the Tour de France.

It had beaten me last year as I'd bonked badly, a cycling term for feeling tired that meant something very different in the 90s.

But this time I was in charge of my macros and I knew variety was key, so instead of a burger and some haribo at the final checkpoint, I had a hot dog and some fruit pastels.

Listeners, I flew up.

I was even able to take a selfie at the top as I waited for Jazz Drummer Dave, but I haven't put this on the socials as I had loads of hot dog and energy bar stuck in my teeth.

And from then on, a victory lap.

Cycling downhill all the way into Brighton.

I high-fived young girls who were waiting on the side of the road.

A young boy asked if I wanted to be sprayed with a super soak, and I said, of course not, mate, are you mad?

The British Heart Foundation sent a photo of me crossing the finish line and you can tell that I finished just behind a woman who is cycling and vaping at the same time.

Yes!

It was my Everest and I finished it and it's the best day of the year.

Thank you.

Wow.

What an account of shaking hands with Payne from LS James there.

Completing his charity bike ride from London to Brighton.

And

what an undertaking.

What an achievement.

Just before Dischlin Beacon to raise Dave's spirits, I started commentating.

I'm actually banned from doing this at Comedians Football by Daniel Kitson because he says it's so annoying, but Dan wasn't there.

So I was like, Here we go, less than half a mile before Ditchling Beacon.

How many victims will it claim this year?

And a blook turned around and said, Oh, it's Ellis.

And I said, Oh, yeah, hello.

And he listens to the show.

And then he later told me on social media as I was doing my commentary.

He said, Who is that W behind me?

Then I realized it was someone whose podcast I like.

So, yeah, it, you know, it was ups and downs.

Yeah.

Now, I'm no cyclist, but I can cycle.

So, 54 miles, how long did it take?

It took six hours, 18 minutes.

So what's that average?

What's that average miles per hour?

I don't know.

Slow, though.

We did talk about jazz for hours, and we kept stopping at checkpoints.

Well, I'm thinking 54 miles.

I drive at 70 miles an hour.

I could probably cycle at 54 miles an hour.

It's just going to take me an hour.

Dave, how long do you reckon it's an hour?

Cycling at 54 miles an hour, so that's faster than any cyclist in the tourist.

Downhill.

Downhill, yeah, maybe the uphill's 30 miles an hour.

Yeah.

More than 30.

Because they've got lots of gears, modern modern bikes, haven't they?

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

And they're light.

And they're light.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dave, what do you reckon?

You'll probably do it an hour and a half.

I'd say 27 minutes.

27 minutes, okay, so cycling.

I'm doing it at 100 miles an hour.

100 miles an hour.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because the helmets are really aerodynamic these days.

So what's the vibe?

Is it like, are there...

You say you're cycling with jazz drummer Dave?

Yes.

Are there loads of other people as well?

It's about 15,000.

15,000?

It is so friendly.

There's like a carnival atmosphere.

So as we're leaving.

So they close the roads.

they close some of the roads, but it's very well signposted.

So, it says you are, there will be, you are entering a live traffic zone in 500 meters, 200 meters, 50 meters.

So, a lot of the roads are closed.

There's a lot like we were cycling through a little village

when just before Hayward's Heath Lynn Field, I think it's called.

There are people holding up signs, go, Paul, go, you've got this.

There are people giving away

brownies and bananas and stuff.

But you're sticking to your burgers and your hot dogs.

Yeah.

we circle through a village, and the whole church comes out,

and all the people who worship at the church are manning stores that have got you know, like energy bars and all this kind of stuff.

Well, everyone's a volunteer, there's mechanics at the checkpoints, lots of kids offering to spray you with super soakers.

It's like, seriously, mate, do that, and I will find your dad and I will tell you off.

I thought you'd be up for that.

I'm surprised you got no

nice and cool down on a hot day.

I don't.

I find being splashed, I think being splashed is the the most annoying emotion you can feel.

Really?

That's why I hate ticking my kids to me.

Because I just, being splashed, it engenders a very primal response in me.

It's like being tickled or something or being given a wedgie.

It's like, seriously, mate, don't do that.

Okay.

So.

And you raised some money?

I raised two and a half grand.

Were you monitoring your just giving page when you passed the £2,000 mark?

Yes, I was.

Oh, dear.

Because.

Who's the real hero in all of this?

Well,

a lot of yes.

Are you going to do this?

Well, do you know what?

Do you know what?

I've got to hand it to him the most generous donation.

Of course, that's why he's bought it up.

He knows what he's doing.

Actually, I'd rather not talk about this, guys.

Look, Ellis, this is Ellis's day.

This is this is the day of hearts.

That was my friend, it was my friend Brachan in at £50 plus plus gift aid.

Uh-huh.

That got absolutely smashed by John Robbins, who'd seen Brachan's donation and thought,

okay,

I'm going to donate £52.

Did you?

No gift aid.

No gift aid.

So actually it was less.

No, John donated a winner.

Did you?

With a caveat.

Because all donations should come with a caveat.

I did say this will not increase with inflation for future fundraising activities.

Yeah, it'll be undergone forever.

Well done.

To make that clear.

It's important to be clear on his big day.

It was the biggest donation.

I must admit, he wins again, Dave.

I was the wind beneath his wing.

I was very touched because we'd stalled a bit at the sort of 1900-ish pound mark.

It had been there for a few days.

Well, people look at it and they think, you're almost there.

He's almost there.

Yeah, he's almost there.

Be honest.

Yes, Dave.

How far did you scroll back through the amounts of previous donations to make sure that you were the first one?

I didn't actually look at the previous donations.

I just saw he was on like 1,920 quid.

Okay, fine.

And I thought, we've got to get him over that.

We got to.

We've got to get him over that landmark.

It was very, how can I say it?

Uncharacteristically kind.

How did you feel the next day?

Is it like a sort of...

So with the marathon,

people talk about like you can't walk downstairs.

Is it sort of more of a carnival vibe?

Because there are downhill bits we can sort of.

There are downhill bits.

are people there was one bloke who did it on a chopper

uh

but there aren't people doing it like dressed as a tyrannosaurus wrestler uh no there was one guy dressed as an inflatable unicorn oh um

i

i love it i felt absolutely fine the next day um but we you know i'm not trying how did you get back from brighton jazz drummer dave had driven down the night before and had parked a couple of miles away outside a friend's house and then caught the train home.

Wow.

Then we got both the bikes in his car.

Oh, that's nice.

Because jazz drummer Dave, A, is one of the great anecdotalists.

B, one of the great jazz drummers.

He's often

a drink.

He's one of the great Daves.

He is one of the great Daves, and he's also the organiser.

He's the Colin.

Oh, right.

So he organises all of this kind of stuff.

So he's a very good person to it.

Which is why we're not trying to win it.

We cycled and chatted the whole way.

It's a very, very friendly event.

And the amount of volunteers blows my mind.

Would you say cycling?

Because I'm always curious.

Is it the world's greatest gift?

Well, humanity's greatest thing.

Does it is it the world's greatest partakers?

As in football gets a bad rep and you get a few idiots playing football.

And there's a bit of scrapping on Sunday League and stuff.

I think running's a good one.

I think running is a decent set of guys.

It would be hard to involve 15,000 people in a charity football match.

11,500 aside.

But I just feel like...

Massive pitch.

Cycling only brings together good people, it feels feels like.

Yeah, do you know what I didn't?

The only thing I didn't like,

and I don't remember noticing this last year,

lots of people with rucksack and speakers playing tunes.

So presumably, you don't get that at the marathon, do you?

London Marathon.

What happens if they all converge in the same sort of pack?

Yes,

it's noisy and confusing.

Although there was one guy who's very funny, just before a big...

Just before a big climb, he did put on the rocky theme.

Oh, that's funny.

And that was quite funny.

Oh, yeah.

But but also some of them aren't they're not even they're not even doing it for fun they just love listening to house music

and it's it's quite an odd i don't know i wouldn't i wouldn't do that i was on the tube this morning coming in sat opposite a guy rolling a doobie oh yeah at 10 in the morning like really performatively yeah was it not just a roly no it was it not no that's quite brazen well you're sort of thinking what point are you making because he's doing it in such a public way as if to go as if he's saying to you what are you going to do about it yeah and you're like well nothing i I mean, I feel quite sorry for you.

You should have said, I'm going to perform a citizen's rest.

He was also, he was also vaping, which you're not allowed to do on the trains, in a very public way.

And I just thought, I wanted to say, mate, what do you want from me?

Do you want me to scoop you?

Yeah.

Do you want me to say, you're the coolest one?

You're the coolest one.

I wish I could hang out with you.

It's 10 on a Friday morning and you're having a doobie.

Cool.

But but like it, I don't know, I don't know.

It was made you feel uncomfortable for the whole journey because part of you think, is he going to take this rebellion one step further and start and spark it up on the train?

Yeah, yeah, because he kept putting it in his mouth, and you're like, if he does that, then do I have to tell him off?

Yeah, I can't, I can't, I can't

podcast, be biffed,

yeah, exactly.

I don't want to be passively dubed up for

a public service broadcast basically on the BBC, and it's not like it's it's sort of half eleven last bus home vibe where you account for a little bit more shenanigan.

Yes.

It's like commuters.

There are people sort of still sleeping on their way to work.

Yeah, people drinking big cans of Monster.

People drinking big cans of Monster with those big DeWalt rucksack slash toolboxes, which I think are quite cool.

That's Britain.

That is Britain.

That's British industry.

Yeah, but this guy's b-bifted.

He's heading.

He's bebifted.

He's not contributing to UK PLC.

No.

I find performative coolness very, very funny, though.

The old,

yeah, the old skinny enough Bon Public Transform.

What are you going to do about it, mate?

Oh, I don't know.

I'm probably going to write a poem about how great you are.

I was, you know, part of me has

sympathy for someone who needs to sort of rely on a substance to go about their day.

But part of me is also like, you're acting like you've won.

But the guy with the DeWalt toolbox slash rucksack, which is cool, has won.

Because he's building back a better Britain.

Do you know what I mean?

Literally.

Literally.

Yeah.

He's got access to washers.

Yeah.

And a crimping wrench.

Yes.

That's modern Britain.

Yeah, yeah.

Where did it look like the doob monster was going?

King's Cross.

The Doozy Monster.

Yeah, but I don't know what you do.

It's almost like, why are you getting off anywhere if you're so chilled?

Why not just get off somewhere around?

radical line out of the circle note?

Maybe she'd get him on as a guest.

Oh, God, no.

Well, actually, maybe.

Chat to him about how things are going.

Well, this is the voice of the UK on Radio 5 Live.

We talk to everyone.

We invite Dolan Sundry.

We could have a roundtable discussion between the Doobmeister and the guy who's building back a better Britain with

DeWalt

toolbox slash rucksant, which I think is cool, and absolutely everyone in between, and absolutely everyone in between.

Yeah, I mean, that's what Nikki Campbell would do.

This is perfect for Nikki Campbell.

Almost to the point where I maybe suggest we don't do it and Nikki Campbell does it.

We'll text it to Nikki.

Send it to Nikki.

Yeah.

Did you get the guy's details?

What do you mean?

As in, like, did you say, I think you're really cool?

We should get you on the radio show.

No, I didn't get his contact details.

You should get your description.

Well, if you are bebifted on the train at 10 a.m.,

to WhatsApp personal 7974-293-022 or email ellisonjohn at bbc.co.uk because we want to host a roundtable discussion.

It hasn't been commissioned.

We'll record it.

Is this Biff to Britain or Building Britain?

Is what we would say.

Yeah.

It's real snappier.

No, that's good.

That's good.

Building back Biff to Britain.

You can't spark up a Bifter on a train.

That would have been mad.

I don't think anyone would ever have the chutzpah to do that because that's it's doesn't chutzpah mean initiative

yeah i knew i didn't think it was quite initient gall gall

yeah well still how's your week been john other than that obviously well i uh i resurrected an old pet peeve of mine on tuesday uh went to a gig with some friends music gig oh yeah because despite having said on two previous occasions that i'm done with live music because of other people

very young i think to quit live music

Nutgate, wasn't it?

Nutgate.

Yeah, it was Pistachio Shell Gate at the Jake Xerxes Fussle gig, and prior to that, another thing where someone annoyed me.

Okay.

And the Guffs at Half Man, Half Biscuit.

And the Guffs at Half Man, Half Biscuit.

Have you heard their new album?

No, not yet.

There's a song called Record Store Day, which has the lyric, Oh, I do like to re-release my B-sides.

So

I went to the gate.

I'm not going to name the venue or the band because I love the venue and the band.

Okay.

And actually.

So it's Wembley and it's Queen.

It's Wembley.

And actually,

no one did anything wrong.

Yeah.

Anyway, get to the venue.

So here we go.

Doors half seven.

Right?

Tuesday night.

Okay.

A friend of mine has come from Bristol on the train.

When's the last train back?

Last train back to Bristol, I think, is half 11.

Okay.

So doors.

And is there a support act?

Not listed on the booking info.

No.

Or the ticket app.

So there won't be one.

Or the website.

So there's one day.

So doors at half seven.

I'm going to say, you know, the band are going to be on by half eight.

You'd think so.

We're going to be done half nine.

We're going to be having a...

I'm going to be home half 10.

No, you're not.

Get there.

Doors half seven.

Support half eight.

That is not on.

That's...

It's mad.

That's not on on a Friday night.

You know what it is?

It's because

the venues make money from people drinking at the venue, and they want people in there as quick, as early as possible.

But do doors at half six, then.

Yeah.

It's a pub.

It's a venue.

People finish work at five, six o'clock.

People can head straight there.

Do doors at midday.

Wow.

Right?

I'm not sure.

So doors half seven.

Support half eight.

Main act half nine.

Oh.

So you get there and you're like.

On a Tuesday.

Yeah.

That is quite late, I think.

So you get there and you're like, I've come from the market.

Main fuckers on at nine

when you're watching a band.

Well, why?

It just, I mean, of all the gigs I've been to, I would say.

But who's there, does that serve?

Cool people like me when night towels jump.

But if you come, so he's come from Bristol, so he's now probably gonna, well, did have to leave early.

I've got to get back to Buckinghamshire, I had to leave early.

If you've got kids, if you've got a babysitter, there's a massive difference between getting home at half 10 and getting home at midnight.

Absolutely.

Yes.

So it's just

the band were great.

Yeah, yeah.

But depends on the babysitter, though.

Sue wants to go to bed.

Evie, she's up, doesn't mind.

But it's one guy with a guitar and

a girl with a guitar and a and a drummer on a small kit and everything else is a backing track right

so it doesn't take that long to switch over between the bands yeah how much of a there must be an half an hour though between

well exactly because the first band's half eight yeah yeah so they did half an hour they do half an hour and then it's half an hour and then it's half an hour obviously people need to go at the loo and have a drink the venue is only 200 people okay when i you know when i've done the apollo you can get three and a half thousand people with a drink and seated in 45 minutes.

Yeah, amazing.

Yeah.

So anyway, I was just, it's just your heart sinks and you think, oh, well, now this is a real faff.

And I missed the end.

My friend missed the end.

Yes.

Yeah.

I think there needs to be a law, right?

And we've discussed, I've said this before, but all of that information needs to be on the website.

Have you considered when you're buying a ticket?

Have you considered smoking weed?

Just chilling out.

But I think people need the information.

Why not give them the information?

You should always be advertising the support.

Yeah, and the time supports.

I also think it's nice to advertise the support.

Yeah, definitely.

Absolutely.

Good for them.

Because it's good for the support band.

Because you could have had doors at seven.

Doesn't make any difference.

Support band at eight.

They're on it off at half eight.

Quarter of an hour changeover.

Enough time to grab a pint and a drink.

Band on at nine.

Down at ten.

Bish, bash, bosh.

Everyone's having a lovely day.

Yeah.

So there you go.

So I was in a I was in a good mood from seeing my friends and having a lovely time.

I was in a good mood from seeing the five songs of the band I liked.

Okay.

And then I left.

Okay.

So you're up on aggregate?

I'm up on aggregate.

It'd be nice to see all the band, but it does become self-defeating for the band if people are leaving after.

Also, as someone who's had people leave my shows early, it does get in my head, even though I know that it's gone on too long, etc.

Yeah.

Well, when we tour and when I tour,

I've moved all of the start times to half seven.

Yes.

And I think people really appreciate it.

Yeah, especially in the week, I think.

Especially with public transport, you know, parking, kids, bish, bash, bosh, yada, yada, yada, bing-bang, bomb.

Yeah.

Hutspa.

Steve doesn't understand.

It sounded good.

I enjoyed using it.

Well, Hutspa's almost right.

I enjoyed it.

It takes the initiative to spark a doobie on a train.

Yeah.

Which is not the initiative Britain needs, is what I'm saying.

I'm at the gig of the year tonight.

Oh, yeah.

And they are on at quarter past nine but because it's the gig of the year I'm absolutely fine with it what couple of gigs fine on a Friday yeah I think so so the Maccabees oh my god you're going to that haven't played a gig in eight years I went to the last one at Ali Pally

and they're doing big gigs later this summer at all points east yeah they're doing Glasto potentially so they're doing the big gigs later and they're doing a special warm-up gig tonight at Tufnold Park Dome it's been go 250 people I'm not sure I didn't want to ask him in case he's not and then I've broken his more.

And I managed to get tickets.

I'm going to see the Maccabees.

It's big.

It's huge.

He listens to this show, the Maccabees.

Yes, I think some of them do.

But I've not been disexed by a gig since Oasis at the Royal Court Theatre in Liverpool in 2002 on December the 16th.

We know you've gone to them.

Yeah.

We passed the place Oasis rehearsing in London the other day.

Did you?

Oh, yeah, it's Working Man's Club in South Stockney Winton.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is it?

Could you just go and hang out outside?

Because the sound would carry.

Well, I think a lot of people did.

And I think then people posted videos of listening to Liam sing from down a corridor.

Yeah.

And then we're very mean about it because they're listening from down a corridor.

So of course it's going to sound rubbish.

They're listening down a corridor.

So

you're in the room.

Corridor doing a lot of the heavy lifting in your defence of

Liam Gallagher.

I'm just saying.

It's going to be awful when you hear him and he's not down a corridor.

No, but you know.

What are you going to do then?

Go out down the corridor.

But that, you know,

when they're in the studio mixing and mustering the records,

they're not imagining people listening on inner corridor, are they?

Well, you say that.

A lot of the big sort of apps now that they use, a lot of garage band, they're putting corridor effects on stuff to give the impact of a corridor.

I think like

Zed Zeppelin used to record down corridors and stuff, didn't he?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, best of luck for that, Dave.

Thanks, can't wait.

But now, wow, okay, his confidence has already been knocked.

Before he even came in the studio, a stressed Ellis James, a Welsh caller who's ready to be asked what school they went to, a palpably tense atmosphere in the studio.

What does it all mean?

It means, of course, it's time for the come reconnection.

Get your head out of your hands.

Listen, crying out loud.

Can you imagine?

Can you imagine JJ Spawn, a 35-foot putt for the US Open, starting with his head in his hands.

This is how I focus.

No, it's not.

It's how you lose.

When?

Be better.

You need a bit of this, actually, Alice.

It's time.

Unreal.

I need a biff to show.

I don't.

Right, have you written down your questions?

No.

It's time for the Cum Reconnection.

Not now.

Let's hear the jingle.

It's another Cum reconnection.

Ellis thinks his tactics are sheer perfection.

But his questions have one direction.

Where did you go to school?

Do you know Daffy Devons?

No.

Come on, mate.

You must do.

No, we've never met at all.

Despite employing the powers of sports psychologist Jamil Qureshi last week, Ellis's poor run of form continues.

Last week, he failed to connect with Cola Sam, even though both of them were regulars of Le Pub in Cardiff in the 2000s.

Hate

smirks.

Hate it.

The stats of bleak reading.

He's smirking again.

What is this guy's problem?

He's famous the best man at my wedding.

He's had two connections in the past 13 attempts.

He's smirking again.

Stop him.

No, now he's opening his eyes wide.

That's what he does when he tries not to smirk.

Is it possible to read this absolute S show without finding it funny?

No, he's calling it an S show.

He has an overall connecting rate of just 43%.

Let's recap on some of the things Jamil said would be helpful.

Relaxing beforehand.

Maybe with some deep breathing.

Separating what it means.

Success and failure are merely outcomes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Concentrating on the process.

Enjoy making the connections.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We all enjoy it when we make connections.

He's smiling again.

They've stopped him.

Understanding that the price of success is always paid in full and in advance.

Don't know what that means.

Ellis.

That means

the losses, the defeats are what help you frame that eventual victory.

The cost of victory is defeat.

Yes, and you learn.

Yes, absolutely.

Ellis, thoughts on these reflections and these tactics?

Just like Johnny Wilkinson used to have loosened myself up

for a big

of place kick conversion or penalty.

I'm about to take a drop go

in Rugby World Cup final and I'm so relaxed.

I've loosened up.

I've done my heavy breathing like Neil Jenkins used to.

I feel good, actually.

Like when you see slow-mo of sprinters running and their faces and their lips are all sort of jangling around because they're so relaxed.

They're so blimming relaxed.

They're so blimming relaxed.

Yeah, I've skinned up on a bus and I'm feeling.

Right, let's

just curb the chutzpah, all right?

So let's see if ellis can stop the rot and turn things around we have a caller on the line from wales hello caller hi hi lovely to have you with us i am about to hand you over into the hands of ellis james whether he spills you from the slip cordon and gets a stare of daggers from his captain and his bowler or whether he holds on to you and throws you into the air as the crowd go wild will happen over the next 60 seconds.

The next voice you hear will be Ellis James with 60 seconds on the clock.

Let's go.

Ready to go to school?

Face like comprehensive.

Oh, okay.

How old are you?

48.

Uh, Steph Guerrero.

I know his dad and his sister.

Okay, I've met his sister, Sean.

Shan.

Who lives in the US?

I've been to a splash park with her.

There we go.

There you go.

I've met her.

Yes, because I took my nephews and nieces and my kids to the splash park in Victoria Park in Cardiff.

Yeah?

Shashan.

Sean.

Just sister Shan.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was at school with her, and I would like to think that

she eventually would recognise it.

It was a long time ago.

It was about 25 years.

Hey, come on, you have value.

You matter.

Hey, you've got time to spare.

Keep going.

There is another one.

There is another one.

Let's see if we can find it.

Okay, Ryan Jones, the rugby player.

He went to beat his leg.

No, he's a bit younger than me.

Oh, right then.

So you grew up in Newport.

I did.

Where'd David Davis, the MP?

No, but the

political line is a good one.

Is it?

Well,

MPs from Newport.

Okay, what do you do for a living?

I'm a headhunter.

Oh, where?

In London.

Okay.

For whom?

That's quite vague, I'm afraid.

I'm a recruiter.

I'm a recruiter for

management consultancy in London.

Okay, I feel like this is a blind darling.

I did work with a famous Welsh recruiter in London.

A famous Welsh recruiter?

Who was married to a politician?

I'm trying to think who that would be.

Who would that be?

Well, you can now give the name.

I've made a connection.

Used to work with Fion Haig.

I've never met Fion Haig.

William Haig's wife.

William Haig's wife.

People always assume I know Fion Haig.

It's a cross you bear.

I've never met William or Fion Haig.

Okay.

But you know Fion Haig?

I do, yeah.

What's she like in real life?

Is she chill?

Very lovely, yeah.

Oh, well, that's good.

Very chill, very lovely, yeah.

I enjoyed working with her very much.

What's your name, Corla?

Kerry.

Kerry.

Thank you.

Kerry who went to Baysley.

Baysley Comp, yeah.

So you must.

I know the Guerreros.

You know the Guerreros.

And you've splashed with them despite yourself.

I've professed hatred of being splashed.

Yes, I stood well back, but my kids were in swimsuits, so it was fine.

Yeah.

This feels really nice.

Yeah, well, not only is it connection, it's one of the fastest.

It's very fast.

Find it very funny, you assume I know Fion Haig.

I've been listening to the show for months and months, and every time you say Steph Guerrero, I think I really need to write in and see if I can be on the show.

Oh.

So do you remember him at school?

Because obviously I don't know many people who knew him at school.

Well,

his dad was the head master,

Ian,

and his sister was, I think, my age or a year older.

And my sister is probably closer to Stefan's age, but I think because he's obviously he worked for the BBC for a while.

Yeah, for years and years.

I mean, he's quite cagey about his about his teenagers.

I do know he played clarinet in the orchestra.

Did you see him clarinet?

I'd given up the clarinet by then.

Oh, you'd given up.

Why would you be cagey about playing the clarinet?

Because I think people called him a dweeb.

Oh, I think playing the clarinet.

Yeah, there's nothing wrong with playing the clarinet.

I mean, you don't have to convince me.

It's just Fion Hague is a Welsh speaker.

See, so people assume I know all Welsh speakers, but Fion slipped the net.

Yeah, we need to make that happen.

So, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I

had quite a famous Welsh dentist as well.

Who would that be?

James Hurle.

Oh, okay.

No, so I thought you meant my brother-in-law.

Oh, well,

Kerry, this is good.

And I feel good, and I needed this.

I've had a good week.

Yeah.

This is an ambition, a real ambition of mine.

So I'm absolutely delighted.

It's basically he scored from kickoff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's gone viral.

Kelly, thank you so much for calling in.

Well, Ryan Jones is, I'm, and Alex Popham went to your school as well.

Alex Popham, I know the Popham family.

Ah, do you?

Because they're family.

Yeah, so Jamie Popham, his brother Jamie, was a year younger than me.

Okay, okay.

He pushed me down the embankment once at our school.

Right.

And Alex, my dad, so my dad was a rugby player all of his life, and he

was at the Popham family.

Because the Baselag Comprehensive has got a very fine tradition of producing Welsh Internationals, and obviously, a lot of them I've met with

by the sound of it.

I think that was

we don't condone pushing anyone down any embankments.

No, no, my friend Green got pushed down an embankment and broke his collarbone.

Oh, that's bad.

It was bad.

I'm not good.

Don't shoot the messenger.

I also disagreed with it, and I said so to a head teacher.

Well done.

I think my sister plays netball with, or did play netball with Ryan Jones's sister.

I wow.

I once did a charity event.

I once did a charity event with Ryan Jones, who's a great rugby player, and I made fun of his calves.

I got a big laugh

because he's a big guy.

He's a bit his calves are smaller than you would think.

But we had a fun but in a nice way.

Absolutely massive.

Yeah.

And he's a Welsh sporting legend.

Well, nice to meet you.

Yeah, you too.

Oh, all right.

Thank you very much.

And we'll have another Cymry Reconnection next week.

Well, everyone, from one NADO game to another.

Actually, sweating now.

Should we quickly just explain who Steph Guerrero is, just in case people aren't.

He's the other one.

I do a podcast called The Socialist Sportsby, Mike Bubbins, who is currently writing a sitcom for the BBC, so he can mention it.

which I don't yeah, which I don't profit from because I'm not in it, which is good and I'm glad.

Is it a Welsh sitcom?

Is it set in Welsh?

It's on network.

He's got like a nine-episode series with

Christmas special.

But is it set in Wales?

Yeah, set in Cardiff.

Why hasn't he?

I thought he would have asked you to.

I'm glad.

You're fine.

I've got connecting charity bike rides to fill my time with.

I'm good.

I'm just happy.

Yeah.

So there we go.

Stop.

Stop.

He's smirking again.

He's not, to be fair.

I just thought.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a route that Mike might have gone down, but maybe, maybe season three.

Yeah, maybe.

But you're not bothered.

And Steph is the other person on the podcast.

Yes.

Lovely, lovely man.

What a lovely man.

Lovely man.

Spent a lot of time with him at your wedding.

He's a top look.

He's got one of those great beards that goes right up to the eyeballs.

Like werewolves.

Great.

You're back on the horse.

You're back on the horse.

That feels good.

Everyone's happy.

Everyone breathes a sigh of relief.

Because people were starting to worry.

People were starting to talk.

Yeah.

That blimming splash pipe.

It's got a big bucket.

And you never know when it's going to empty.

So you've just got to stand well by.

Yes.

We've got arms folded.

Right.

Now it's time for a made-up game.

Yes, it is.

And we have, oh, last week's jingle we're sticking with because it's good and it deserves celebrating for a couple more weeks.

So this is Jake's Blur-inspired jingle.

games

made up by you

Two minds clash in a game of fight

One's fools, the other's slight

One loves rules, the other plays free But only one can play bigotry

It's rubbins

Spreadsheets and flames it levers.

With chaos in his painful rise who falls, lose the blame.

It's showing all of Robinson James.

There we go, fantastic jingle.

It reminds me, what's the song There's No Other Way?

Yeah, by Plus It.

Oh, is that?

It was their first figure.

Okay, great stuff.

Every week we play a game that's been made up at home, and every week it's a different game, of course, isn't it?

Just scores on the doors.

John is 15 love up, 1-0 up in games in the second set.

So now is the time, Ellis, to try and get back into this game before it starts to drift too far.

I feel good.

And you're buzzing.

You're absolutely flying.

You're bulletproof today.

This week's game comes in from Shane.

Good day, my hot little headliners.

Oh, lovely.

Emailing you with a game sent from Lower Stoft in beautiful flats, Norfolk.

Every year, you seem to complain that you play a Glastonbury game just because it helps with cross-promotional purposes on the BBC.

Yes.

And I know the quickest way to produce Dave's heart.

No, it's not pharmaceuticals.

Rather, it's topical content.

A Glastonbury game for you.

It's called Worthy Reviews.

Similar game to what we've played in the past, actually.

It's your job to buzz in, with your names, of course, and tell us who the Glastonbury headliner is from the review that producer Dave will read out.

Oh.

it's much like the game you played where you had to tell whose Edinburgh show was whose from eviscerating reviews.

But it's different to that.

That was our own

shows, my remember.

Absolutely, that was a tricky time.

Dave has three statements on each headliner in total.

If you get it right, within one statement, it's three points.

Two points if it's within two statements, and one point if it's the final and third statement.

So you're getting in quicker, you're getting the big points, of course.

If you're buzzing and get your guess wrong, you're frozen out for the next extract, for the next part of the review.

Because there needs to be a bit of jeopardy there.

So,

are we happy?

Yes.

I mean, I don't care about Glastonbury.

For balance.

So it's never my wheelhouse, but I'm happy to perform.

Because there'll be something there.

Have you ever been?

No.

Have you ever performed there?

No.

Okay.

I have no interest in going.

That's fine.

We're not asking you to go.

But the BBC's coverage is second to none and is the only coverage.

Oh, it's world-leading.

Because it's the only coverage.

Yes.

So it is world leading.

Yeah, in the UK.

I think it is now out.

I think America do now have it on some of their channels.

I think it's out there now as well.

Because it's a big festival.

And it's massive.

It's too big.

It's not too big.

It is too big.

Have you seen footage of it from space?

No, I don't need to.

I've seen footage of it from Worthy Fighters.

It's too scary.

You just got to take your pick.

Don't be overwhelmed by thinking you've got to go to everything.

Spot those little bits.

I want a little corner.

Yeah.

In a shady corner with aircon in a forest.

Out of curiosity, because you've performed like I have at lots of festivals.

What's your ideal size?

Indoors Comedy Club.

No, no, I'm talking about if you had to go to a festival, because is Lattitude too big?

Is it too small?

Is Green Man too big?

Is it too small?

Green Man got too busy.

Okay.

Green Man 2004 was my favourite of the festival.

Oh, okay.

And, you know, Ashton Court Free Festival, biggest free music festival in Europe when I was a teenager, was lovely.

You could walk there, walk in, chill out, walk home.

I think three stages.

At a drum and bass one, a sort of rock one, maybe two stages.

Latitude is manageable

in terms of the size of the site.

I think it's more manageable as a punter than a performer, actually.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I bet Latitude's quite a generous crowd because they're just, I imagine they're all quite into their comedy anyway.

Do you know what?

I've had great gigs, Latitude.

It depends on the weather.

It depends on the weather, and it depends on where in the order of the acts you are.

If it's super hot, everyone's laying down and feels too hot.

If it's raining, everyone comes into the tent and you can have an amazing time.

But what you don't want is to perform to Simon Ampstel's audience leaving.

No.

That's tough.

And

I've performed a lot of people.

I've also performed to Ramish Ranganathan's audience leaving.

Yeah.

You don't want to literally, as you're beginning, people walking away from you with their backs to you.

And also, sound bleed is difficult.

And you, by which I mean me, are in a grump because there's about eight different gates where you have to get eight different wristbands.

And you just want to say, mate, I'm on there.

I can point to the place I'm on.

Green.

And I just walk there.

Green Man, Zero Soundbleed.

It is miles away from the music.

Amazing.

Good.

Okay.

And End of the Road and

what's the sort of sister festival to End of the Road is really good.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Crikey Moses.

What's it called?

Dave.

Google it because I don't know.

It's really good.

The comedy at End of the Road is amazing because it's down in that little

glad glade in the wood.

There's End of the Road and there's another one, which is really good.

They're all great.

I love festivals.

Not the Llama Tree Festival, isn't it?

No.

And it's not How the Light Gets In, which is also a good festival.

Why the End of the Road is the best end of the festival?

No, don't know.

Don't know.

I'll Google it.

Google it.

But what I would say back to the game, John, is if there's a...

And we've gone for big headliners here.

It's more about an awareness of the artist.

I'm not pre-complaining.

I'm just relaxing you into the game that don't think it's against you already because.

He's relaxed.

No, he is, yeah.

Yeah,

he's got little pursed lips.

I think he's googling Glass Symbol headlines on his handler.

No, no, no.

I'm Googling festivals.

Well, I'll let you finish that.

Well, no, because it'll take ages, so I'll just do it while you're talking.

Manchester Psych Festival, that sounds good.

That sounds good.

This is a Liverpool Psych Festival as well.

Really?

Yeah, I'd like to go to that one.

What was the one we went to in the

Kendall Call

when we were in the Strongbow Dark Fruits Arena?

In the rain, which didn't have a roof.

I saw pictures of that.

The Dark Fruits Arena.

I'm going to play, John.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just go ahead, man.

Don't let me stop you.

No, but maybe, I think maybe the sister festival of End of the Road doesn't exist anymore.

No.

Anyway.

It's just, I'd like to know that I've got your focus.

You have got my focus.

Oh, I don't think I have.

All right.

There he is.

He's got it.

He's back in the room.

Here he goes.

Okay, so three extracts from a review.

Round one.

Buzzing when you think, you know, the artist, of course.

But risks, ooh, risk being barred from the next extract if you buzz in.

Yes, of course you do.

So careful.

Here we go.

Her, as Glastonbury's Saturday night headliner is an intriguing choice on the one hand.

John.

Whoa, hello.

John's in.

He doesn't care.

Kylie Minogue.

Kylie Minogue isn't a bad shout.

Incorrect.

So, well, I mean, John, you've buzzed in very early on in that extract, and then you're even missing out on the next section.

Headliners.

We're talking Pyramid Stage headliners.

She said headlines, didn't she?

It's a Saturday night, like 8 p.m.

She must have had a lot of time.

7pm, whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The biggies.

The biggies.

It's not Kylie.

On the one hand, it feels like a coup for the festival.

She's unequivocally the biggest pop star in the world at the moment.

On the other, as she herself notes early on in her set, I don't have a lot of upbeats, happy songs, which is why I think people are annoyed at me playing.

But screw them, eh?

Is extract one.

Now, Ellis, when you've got a whole second extract at this stage.

Now, of course, I'm not telling you what year this is from, obviously.

Oh, yeah, okay.

So it can't be who I think it is.

Well, no, I mean, it could be from whatever year you...

I can't be leading you down the kind of the era that these were reviewed.

It's the Guardian, if that helps though.

Extract two, Ellis.

This is all yours, because John's still frozen out, right?

The audience seemed to agree.

She She herself seems genuinely and rather touchingly overwhelmed.

She lets out a squawk of F-ing-L midway through the opener.

Hello.

And for the first few songs, at least, she confines her on-stage chat to mutters of, this is mad, before announcing that it's the best effing moment of my life.

So there was a title of the track in there.

Which I don't think I delivered very well, so you might not have known it was the title of the track, but I'm not going to return to it.

It sounded like you'd redacted it.

But I think there's clues in there.

I don't know whether you think you know John, but there's a character here, isn't there?

There's a presence, there's a personality.

Come on, Jesus Christ, Dave.

I mean, you don't have to guess.

He's listened to the thing and he doesn't know, so let's move to the next one.

All right, back in the game.

John's back in the game and he's happy about it.

John.

Whoa, John's in before.

I mean, I was going to start some of the extracts, but go on.

Adele.

It is Adele.

Oh, yeah.

Good stuff.

Two points to John.

I always forget about it.

One point to John because it's the third of the three extracts.

Yeah, sorry.

I didn't.

Is she the world's biggest pop star, Adele?

Yeah.

Oh, I would say so.

That's where she's massive in America.

This was 2016.

Yes, yes, yes.

I'd forgotten about that.

She's got three of the 10 best-selling albums of all time.

But I knew.

I knew it.

Okay.

I knew she was huge in America.

Very self-deprecating, and that's what I thought was coming through in the review, which John rightly spotted.

Round two.

Next headliner.

The Guardian again.

Review extract one.

They don't have to try and make an impression.

Their legendary status at Glastonbury is already assured.

But a lot has changed since those heady days.

Marriage, divorce, kids.

That's extract one.

Ellis.

Ellis is in.

Is that Oasis?

It is Oasis.

I thought Oasis, but I didn't say it.

I didn't want to get frozen out.

No way.

This is the game.

And it's, you know, it's a risk at that stage because it's quite broad, that first review, but just enough in there for alice to grab it from i mean 2005-ish the the the widely panned headlining set of 2004 oh yeah when he wore the white coats white parker yes white parker i'd forgotten about adele yeah well let adele go i've got to let adele go because it's 3-1 now okay

and we move to round three

extract one from the guardian again they might they might all be from the guardian amazed that it's all been spelt correctly, Dave,

so far.

Her one-hour set combined festival pomp, pop precision, weird banter, and her

and her waving

her naked backside.

Oh, Ellis is in.

Madonna.

Not Madonna, but fair enough.

I'll finish the extract and John, you've got another extract as well to treat yourself to.

Waving her naked backside in front of 50,000 people.

It was bananas.

What?

Bananas, but ass instead of the...

It doesn't feel very guardian.

I can't lie, but that's what they've said.

Waving her naked ass.

Waking a naked backside.

Waving a naked back asside.

I think I know who this is.

All right, well, John, you've got another.

Where to start?

She wore five costumes, including Union Jack-branded bondage slash biker gear, a see-through bubble coat, a glass dress that made her look like Paul Stanley's mirror guitar, and others too fruity to describe in detail here.

What is this

musician?

Five changes of clothes in an hour.

Yeah, well, yeah.

Maybe she's very sweaty.

It's like Alice.

She could be very sweaty wearing a dress made of glass.

Like a greenhouse.

Are you going to let Ellis back in?

You can have a guest, but that freezes you out for the final extract.

No, I'm not going to have a guest.

No.

You're not going to have a guest.

So you're staying in.

Alice might already know, so feel free to get in quick if you want for the final point.

It's Beyonce.

It's not Beyonce.

Oh, is it Lady Gaga?

Gaga!

Throws it out!

John, I'll give you the final one.

John.

Well, okay, I was going to give you the final extract.

Oh, because you do have it.

Okay, thanks, Dave.

Of course, having sold as many records as anyone on the bill this year and with a dress sense as large as her popularity, Stephanie Gumanotta, Germanotta,

was always John.

Yes, John.

Is it Lady Gaga?

It is Lady Gigi.

Well, um, sounds interesting.

I might should probably, I should probably really watch more Glass of this.

I'll probably check.

What year was that?

I'll just check out the 2009.

2009.

Yeah.

That was 2009.

But obviously I've got quite a lot on.

So what

sort of it's an hour set, so how I could sort of scrub through to well,

iPlayer will be putting the legendary sets on from now, I think.

Yeah,

but if you could send us the time code to the talking points.

There's probably a YouTube highlight.

Imagine if she'd done the dark fruits arena.

So is that 3-2?

3-2, yes.

Good.

Round 4.

I wish I'd said Oasis when I thought it, because that one would be a whitewash.

It would be.

Just for.

An awful lot of musicians have divorces, though, so it was a wild guess.

For the game, it'd be nice for others to win this game.

Round four.

The notion of him headlining the pyramid stage is an intriguing one.

John.

John's in.

Storm's in.

Storm's in!

Sugar, sugar sugar sugar well done thanks man that's because that was a risk

that was daring that was a risk john that was brave thanks dave well also it's the same thing they said about i mean not to say that perhaps guardian's angles are repetitive and familiar but that was exactly the same thing they said about Adele.

Adele, yes, yes.

It's a shame because Bertie's done a fantastic job of kind of molding these into three really nice extracts.

And if you get it quick, we're not getting a lot of Bertie's great work.

It's a shame I'm so brave.

It's a shame you're so brave.

Yeah.

But thank you, Bertie.

Thank you, Bertie.

Round five.

What's the score?

Is it five, three?

Yeah.

So, Ellis,

well, you know what you need to do.

I know what you do.

You know what you need to do.

You've got to be brave.

Yeah.

Oh, heads up.

British GQ for the final round.

We've moved away.

First one is going to be about jumpers.

They are into culture.

And jumpers.

And jumpers.

Very expensive jumpers.

Okay.

Extract one.

I stopped admitting I don't like a certain band years ago.

It's too much conversational dynamites, like casually admitting you support the death penalty or don't believe abused dogs deserve to be rehomed.

Ellis.

There's a different vibe to Guardian, isn't it?

It's very confused.

Ellis.

Ellis is in.

For three points.

The killers.

Not the killers, but you had to go for it.

It was brave.

It was brave and I'm brave.

You're both so brave.

My frozen, I'm frozen.

well there's a bit more of extract one here john and then

and then you can put your feet up because you've also got extract two yeah um god i'm brave which i think actually means you can't win now because the only the amount of draw because brave people no he can't brave people don't win

so i can actually just keep silent and win yeah

but but but that wouldn't be brave that wouldn't be brave uh In the set, a giant sing-along around a piano is more or less what was delivered.

United by fear.

Everyone watching was united by what exactly?

Nostalgia, certainly.

Joy, too.

Extract two.

The first hour was a brilliant, frustrating slog.

When we do some songs, all your phones light up and it's like a galaxy of stars, he said at one point, pouting behind his piano.

Yeah.

When we do a new song, it's like a black hole.

We don't mind.

We're going to do them anyway.

Never the biggest rebel in rock history.

There was something cool about how he refused to go straight into sing-along territory, making everyone work for it a bit instead.

Doesn't sound very brave.

Well, if I get this wrong, am I then frozen out?

You are frozen out, but also he can only get Ellis.

Sorry, not him.

All right, very rude of me.

Coldplay.

Not cold play.

Do you want the final extracts?

Yes, please.

Yeah.

I also liked the anecdotes about Hendrix, which had an air of a grandfather at Christmas, taking his turkey leg first and telling whatever anecdote he damn well pleases.

Then there was the unified Twitter-led cry of, oh my god, he's 80.

80 years old.

That's older than Joe Biden, by the way.

And not only still with a full head of hair and a trim waistline, but the energy to play a two-hour set, most of which on his feet.

Is this a music journalist?

Well, I'm not sure.

I'm not sure at this stage.

Probably trying something new.

Paul McCartney.

Paul McCartney's correct.

Lovely.

It's 5-4.

John keeps the win.

I'm very annoyed

about

the Lady Gaga mistake.

The Lady Gaga mistake was a shame.

I'd have got it with her name.

Yes, but I don't think it wasn't won or lost with Gaga.

It was won with Stormzy.

And I'm annoyed at.

Yeah, Stormzy was a great shout.

Yeah.

And I'm very annoyed about Adele.

That was an up and go.

That was a tap in.

But never mind.

That's fine.

Never mind.

You still.

I enjoyed that game.

It was a good game.

I enjoyed it as well.

And the coverage.

He was so good.

Coverage is so good.

Oh, my word.

He was so brave with Stormzy.

He was so brave.

Joe also brave.

I player.

Because.

The coverage.

The coverage they get is so goddamn brave.

Yeah,

yeah.

Well, it used to be Channel 4 Glastonbury.

Did it?

Yeah.

And that wasn't brave at all.

It was cowardly.

Cowardly coverage.

Cowardess, Dave.

And then

the BBC took over, and finally, we had the brave coverage of Glastonbury that we deserve.

Well, it's two brave soldiers.

It's iPlayer and BBC Sounds.

Yeah.

So

check out Glastow coverage unless you were lucky enough to get tickets,

in which case, slip, slap, slop, and rubber up.

And

have a good time in the healing fields.

That's where I'd go, Dave.

But you can't heal that.

I'd go to the healing.

That needs antibiotics.

You go to the stone circle.

Oh no.

The stone circle, Billy Bifters.

You could go near the stone circle because it's quite chilled up there.

I could look at the stone circle through my monocular.

Yes.

Great.

Do you want to do a where I could do what my stepdad used to do and drive down to the flyover and watch the traffic build up before going home again?

Yeah,

that's quite sweet.

There is something quite sweet about that.

There is something quite sweet about that.

Yeah, it is a lot of traffic.

Yeah.

That was his takeaway

every year.

Like it is a lot of traffic.

Yeah, it is.

Do we want to do a few mad dads?

Yeah.

Off the back of that, we should.

Yes, yes.

Okay.

Here we go.

Here's the GPS.

I wasn't brave enough for Stormzy, and I must step a doubt.

Did you have Stormzy in your head?

By clue two, definitely.

Yeah, but you can't beat yourself up on that.

John had it because

I watched every second of that set.

I remember it.

Yeah.

And I should have been braver.

You should have been braver.

Here's some mad dads.

My dad, when he brought his first non-stick frying pan, kept the instructions and stuck them on the wall next to it.

Actual real wooden clogs.

And set about eating what must have been north of 24 egg canopes.

He then proceeded to empty 40 litres or so

onto the timber and strike a match.

Dads are mad.

Dad's a mad.

Dads are mad.

Yes, dads continue to be mad, and we will continue to tell the tales of their hijinks.

This is from Carl.

Hi, Ellis, John, and Dave.

Very traditional, very formal.

Yeah.

I was recently reminded of some peak mad daddy I thought you'd enjoy.

When sourcing some classic films for an A-level project many moons ago, my stepmum's dad, a self-proclaimed film buff, lent me a stack of his DVDs.

Included was a stern letter warning that his robust inventory system would detect if anything wasn't checked in within 30 days.

What, so he wanted them back?

Hmm.

What a crazy way of putting it.

The DVDs.

The DVDs were baffling.

They looked authentic, proper cases, printed discs, the works.

But the film started abruptly, with no menu, and fuzzy picture quality.

When I asked about it, he proudly explained that over the course of several decades, he'd recorded hundreds of films from TV onto VHS, amassing a sizable and thoroughly catalogued collection.

He smugly claimed he'd never paid to watch or own a copy of a film in his life.

If he saw something that interested him and it was being shown in cinemas, he'd note it down and wait years to re-record it on free-to-air TV.

Six years in the case of Jurassic Park.

Yeah.

After retiring, he embarked on a massive project to digitize his entire VHS archive, editing out adverts and continuity announcers before burning each one to DVD.

His early 2000s PC could only handle handle one film at a time and it took eight hours per disc.

Oh my god, that takes me back.

He then had replica DVD sleeves professionally printed on the same stock as retail versions and used an expensive disc printer at home.

That's unbelievable.

Listen to this.

If he couldn't find an image of the disc's design online,

he would buy a genuine copy, scan the DVD, print the scan onto his VHS/slash DVD transfer, then return the retail one for a refund.

All that effort for a perfect replica of the DVD for 1982's Gandhi, but in fuzzy VHS quality, plus over 200 other titles.

I have to mention that he hadn't actually watched most of the collection because he, quote, didn't have the time.

Keep up the great work, Carl.

I feel.

I feel like I'm being...

Emotionally, like I'm in a washing machine.

I don't know where to...

The fact that he hasn't watched them...

If he loved film and was,

you know,

constantly absorbing and enjoying some of the greatest films

of the age,

it would almost be worth it.

But he's not even watching them.

And...

I mean, the thing is, it's not about the DVD.

It's not, this is it.

This is it.

It's not about the films.

It's the journey, not the destination.

But, you know,

you're not saving.

This is a thing I have to apply to myself.

So say you have spent your eight hours transferring from VHS to DVD.

You've already spent money on the blank VHS.

You've spent money on the blank DVD.

You're spending money on high-quality printer paper, ink, disc printing to actually print on the disc.

What cost is that?

Because there is a financial cost, which is say, let's say, two or three quid.

So you're saving seven to ten pounds.

Yeah.

But the cost in your time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Eight hours.

Aye.

And plus printing.

I grew up in a town that had a small one-screen cinema.

So the good films, if they didn't come to town,

they would take often three years to end up in Trice Roteli, and then you'd have to remember to set the video.

So I am old enough to really empathize with this kind of behavior.

It's just oh, the original VHS collection, we all had one of those, like the blank VHSs, which you record and you write on the spine

on the fly.

Do not tape over.

Do not tape over 18

or whatever.

Yeah.

But

to then,

it's not about the DVD.

It's unbelievable.

It's about something else.

But he's happy.

And he's not going to be happy.

He doesn't sound happy because he's saying that my inventory system will know if they've not been checked back in within 30 days.

Doesn't sound chilled out.

No, that's a bit heavy-handed.

A friend of mine, her dad loves film, and

he's retired now, so he just watches classic films all the time, and he knows a lot about the actors and the directors.

He's fascinated by screenwriting.

And it's brought him such joy.

That doesn't sound joyful.

It doesn't sound like joy.

But I am

glad that we've had that email.

It's staggering.

Keep them coming in to Alice and John at bbc.co.uk.

And that, I believe, is the end of another fantastic show.

Yes, thank you very much for listening.

We'll be back with you on Friday.

Goodbye.

Bye-bye.

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