#447 - Davie vs Horse, Bin Gear and The Gulag of Truth

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Hello everyone, welcome to the Ellis James and John Robbins show.

And it's sun, sun, sun in the studio.

Not just the sun of a heat wave, but the sunlight of the soul.

Yes.

Which we're all basking in the sunlight of the soul, aren't we, Ellis?

Absolutely.

I'm also basking in the sunlight of the sun because I love it.

It's my favorite kind of weather.

I took bins out last night at 10pm on my bare feet and I felt great.

Hmm.

Oh,

in this weather, if you miss a green bin collection.

A nightmare.

Oh my god.

I opened it.

The kids won't go near it because it stinks so much.

Is this your

food waste bins green?

Yeah, mine are brown.

Yeah, mine are brown, actually.

But I knew what Dave meant because I'm in touch with them all.

Well,

my green is garden waste.

Yeah, my green is recycling.

Cardboard waste.

Why?

What?

My green is my recycling is blue.

Oh, we don't have a blue bin.

You don't black, brown.

No, green, black, brown.

And that's the song you sing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Green, black, brown, green, black, brown.

And bins go on Thursday night.

Well, mine go on Thursday night.

Good.

Do your bin people come too early and wake you up at half or six?

I'm very fond of my bin people.

Yes, me too, as well.

Because my neighbour is elderly, so she doesn't have to put her bins out.

So she puts her bins into my bins, which means I don't have to put my bins out, which means I've beaten the system.

It's another win.

It's another win.

So they know that your next-door neighbour's elderly.

Yes.

And so, and because of that, they think, well, John is probably elderly as well.

Look at the state of him.

No, because my...

And the things he likes and the way he acts.

No, my neighbour puts her stuff into my bins.

Oh.

So we're bin buddies.

That's another...

That's another win, though.

Oh, it's another win.

Save it.

Save it for John Wins again.

Next week.

Well, no, because that's weekly.

It's a weekly bin win.

That's in the bank.

It's a bin win.

It's a bin-win.

Weekly bin win that's in the bank.

Most podcasts, you would think beginning with a discussion about what colour your recycling bins are, would be a low.

It would be a sign.

But to us, it's just more fuel for award fire.

Yes.

Because that's going straight in the awards.

Also, I can think of

probably three comics from the Northwest have got Material about this.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it is something that stirs the soul of the nation.

It's a classic commercial radio text topic.

What colour of your bins?

What colour of your bins?

Yeah,

but the whole thing,

there'll be a twist in it.

Marking Milton Keene's black.

What that kind of thing.

Just

binge chat in general, I think, is decent gear for

decent gear for a local drive show.

It's decent, upstanding British gear.

Yeah,

it's relatable content.

God, bins were easy in the 80s.

Just one bin or recycling.

Yes.

Obviously, different times, but just cleaning the kitchen at the end of the night, just wallop.

It all goes in there.

What's wrong with just chucking it all in the big hole in the ground?

Yes, and setting fire to it.

It's the pigeon detectives.

See, it works.

Yeah.

But Ellis, you've had, you've been a busy little bee this week.

I I have.

You've been caring for some ill children.

My two kids.

Some ill children.

Yeah, yeah.

So it's great to be with adults because Izzy's been in Yorkshire filming a sitcom for CBBC about basketball.

Which Lila loves.

Yes, my kids love it as well.

It is popular.

But she's been, so I've been doing all of this almost.

So it's nice to be with adults and have adult chat.

Yeah.

So we can get a bit sexy.

You also cycled, did a charity cycle ride.

Let's talk about that on Tuesday because it's literally the only thing I've done.

Well, I want to talk about the fact you're still wearing your number from it on your gear.

Yeah, I haven't been on my bike since.

Which is a little bit like, you know, when people wear their London Marathon medal for a couple of years?

Yeah, a couple of years.

Well, Dave, what's the etiquette?

Well, I thought you were going to say it's a little bit like when people wear their Glastonbury wristbands.

Yes.

Yeah, it's more like that.

I've never met anyone who wears a London Marathon winner's medal for a couple of years.

Well, for the next fucking

medal.

To the day.

Because also my son, did you get a medal up for London to Brighton?

And I gave it to him, and he has worn it for five days.

But it would have been mad for me to do that because I did the London Marathon where you came down, John, because you're a good friend.

Good friend.

The following day, I had my first day at Absolute Radio.

And you wore your London Marathon.

No, imagine going in for day one at a new job with your London Marathon trip.

Imagine what?

You'd have looked like a winner.

In America, they'd have said, give this guy a pay rate.

But in Britain, you look like a show-off.

Yes.

And that's the difference.

Yes.

But imagine if the day after the London Marathon, I came in wearing my number.

All right, well, take it off.

By all means.

I don't know.

Is it something you wear forever?

No, no.

I quite simply forgot to take it off and I left the house in a hurry.

I haven't been on the bike since Sunday.

What did the other cyclists on the route make of you?

An awful lot of listeners to this show.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's nice.

I would say that pretty much everyone who was on that bike ride listens to this show.

The Ellis and John lane.

It felt really, really.

They've spent 200 million putting Ellis and John Lanes throughout London, and a lot of people are up in arms.

There are certain things

that really appeal to the core demographic of this show, in my experience, and that's the London to Brighton charity bike ride for the British Heart Foundation and Wales Away, which are two quite disparate groups.

I bet I think the age, probably

the real age group who listened to this, I know there's, you know, we are very young, but then also, weirdly, very old on five.

Watch your words.

Yeah.

That's my advice to you, Dave.

If you value your job, watch your words.

I'd say there's probably a big pool of listeners that are early 40s.

No?

Our age.

Probably, yeah.

Your age.

There's an ocean of listeners

who are naught to 90.

And also, we are the most listened to show.

from 16 to 18 year olds or something.

See, under 35.

16 to 18.

And last time I checked was under 35, Dave.

Yeah, but I think if you narrowed it down that much, you're...

Most listened show between 16 and 18 years old, Dave.

If that's the case,

everyone needs to be fired at Radio 1.

Well, Dave, that was the case anyway.

That's what Matthew Bannister did in the 90s.

Just fired everyone.

That's what we're doing now.

We're going to fire everyone.

Yeah.

On Radio 1, and then we're going to go on Radio 1 and talk about charity bike rides.

Bin colours.

Bin colours.

On Radio 1 and breakfast.

Sorry, Greg.

Can you go?

Sorry, mate.

Sorry, mate.

Sorry, mate.

You're too elder.

Join the cricket, granddad.

You're too elderly.

You're too elderly, mate.

And handsome.

And doddering.

Yeah, and handsome.

And hands.

He's toddering and handsome and old.

And has beautiful hair.

And he needs to go.

He's gone.

Sorry, Greg.

Speaking of the BBC and youth, did you we got an email about Tim Davey?

Oh, this is hilarious.

This is insane.

This is so funny.

So this is from

Linda.

She says, Borida Bekigan.

Bekyan.

Bechgin, probably.

I think I read that

last night.

Borida Bechgin.

Good morning, boys.

You regularly refer to Director General Tim Davey, but did you see what he did this weekend?

And then Linda includes an article from County Times, or maybe it's Country Times.

A runner has won the Grueling Man versus Horse Challenge.

Dewey Griffiths becomes the first Welshman to outrun a horse in the iconic Powys sporting events history, which is held annually in Hlan.

Dewey Griffiths, fair play to him.

Around 650 runners and 60 horses descend on the tiny Powys town on Saturday for the annual event, which has been held since 1980.

Now, this is where it goes from being a sort of a quaint and and finally story to something quite unexpected.

One of the hundreds of runners taking part in Saturday's race was Director General of the BBC Tim Davy, who describes the race as a special one despite the, quote, gnarly weather conditions.

Race director Christian Payne asked the BBC boss why he continues to return to mid-Wales for the quirky challenge.

Davy said, quote, it's a special race, that's why.

I don't know.

There's something about it.

It's gnarly today, gnarly.

I enjoyed it.

It's lucky surfing.

Lovely running conditions from the waist up.

On the feet, it's gnarly.

It's really gnarly.

I went down twice for a little, hit the grass twice, but it's a bit tasty out there.

Who has taught Tim Davey the word gnarly, Dave?

Has someone bought him a no-fear t-shirt?

And things have spiralled out of control.

He uses the word gnarly

four times in his quote.

Yeah, but he needs to speak to everyone.

And I reckon your kids are saying gnarly.

your 20-somethings are saying gnarly.

Nope,

hell, we're saying gnarly.

Surfers say it, do they?

Surfers say it.

So I think he's just picked a word

everyone gets, everyone can get on board with.

And he couldn't say slay because the conditions weren't slay.

But that also they were anti-slay.

The conditions didn't slay.

Yeah.

He could have said that as well.

They did.

They didn't

eat and leave no crumbs.

No.

He couldn't say skibbity Zoff.

Is that right?

Shibbidy.

Skibbity.

Yes.

Like a scat man.

Skibbity's a new one.

I'm not entirely sure what it means.

I hope it's not rude.

Should I Google it?

It sounds like something the guy, what's that guy, a family guy, would say?

Yeah.

Oh, quagmire.

Quagmire, yeah.

Young people definitely say skibbity, but I'm not entirely sure what it means.

It either means good or having sex.

That's what all...

If you look at any of young people's slang.

in online slang, skibbity can be used as an adjective with varying meanings, including cool, bad, or simply nonsensical, often depending on the context.

And it's paired with other words.

Skibbity Riz, Skibbity Ohio.

Skibbity Ohio.

His office distance is.

And where is he again?

Skibbity toilet syndrome.

Don't know what that means.

What's so that's good, bad, or nonsensical?

Bad or nonsensical.

Yeah.

You also use a slang term among younger generations.

There's an entire video on its origins.

Skibbity Toilet, an animation from 2023.

Don't know what that is.

Yeah.

Anyway, Davy's obviously stretching his legs

quite literally in attempting to outrun a horse.

I don't think he'd be a professional horse outrunner.

No.

I think it's a bit of fun.

He'll be doing the cheese rolling next year and then that football game where everyone gets their heads kicked in upside Santander.

Yeah.

And then welly throwing and all that kind of stuff yeah welleywanging welly wanging yeah and then he'll be playing coites in a field he's sort of the john noakes of yes top bbc yeah yeah yeah yeah sort of corporate director should be cleaning nelson's column and the facebook have you seen the video for that it's terrifying absolutely insane he's wearing platform shoes and flares yeah what's the man what's the man think climbing ladders roped to nelson's column yeah but they're not roped to him no and is he not wearing a helmet No, no.

He's not wearing anything.

No, because if he fell off, he would just die.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And also, the cameraman is doing the same, but with a big, heavy 70s camera.

Have you seen that video, Dave?

I think I've seen it.

It is

the beginning of it.

And then I think it's Peter Duncan cleans the face of Big Ben of the clock tower.

And again,

no safety harnesses.

He just sits at a small carabino with a bit of wood, and that is really it.

But he's wearing nice trainers.

Ellis,

there has been a development.

Yes, I would like to talk about Colin.

Because

Colin

is a kind of...

I wouldn't say an alter ego because it's just

your personality.

But it's how your holiday pals referred to you when you were away in Costa Rica.

Yeah, and I think it gives a slightly light-hearted feel to perhaps observations and criticisms that might otherwise feel a bit too personal.

Yes.

So they can say, for example, oh, Colin's got up early.

Yeah.

Or Colin's waiting at the door tapping his watch that he doesn't wear.

It's a way of blunting barbs.

Yes, very much so.

Yeah, it's a way of blunting barbs, right?

Now, John/slash Colin

claimed that he'd never lost anything.

Or certainly claimed that he didn't lose anything on the holiday.

I think it was point number one in John Wins Again.

Didn't lose lose anything yes so we can we can listen to that actually we've got a we've got a little clip

number one dave chalk them up i did not lose one item neither in transit nor in stay ellis why was that the case because you're colin

okay can i just can i just sit with my mind for five seconds yeah yeah why i'm thinking what what potential banana skins i may have to pick up and throw back in the face of whoever laid them yeah and i've got two potential potential banana skins I've got my defence in place.

Colin is ready to go.

Okay, well it seems that maybe Colin shouldn't have been so bold, Dave, I would argue.

Because in the week, we received the following damning voice note from someone who was on that trip.

Someone who said something to the contrary.

Well, hello, it's a long time listener, fifth time caller.

I listened with bated breath about Colin on his holiday, and I was just doing some fact checking because I was also on the holiday and

he started off very sort of confident that he hadn't forgotten anything on the holiday really pointing the finger at other people that may or may not have lost two bank cards in two days and

yes he's got his little systems and his little list hasn't he

full of it that he hadn't forgotten anything

And yet when we were on the ferry crossing over to San Jose, do you know the way, my friend called me and said, does anyone come off with the spare keys?

So I asked Luke and I asked Lucy and they hadn't and I hadn't.

And John was busy doing his audio content.

And I thought, I said to my letter, there's no way that Colin's gone off with some keys.

There's absolutely no way.

Sure enough, big bundle of keys in the bum bag.

What?

The bum bag?

Yeah, big bundle of keys in the man bag, bum bag.

funny bag and he's now got to post them because I don't have a proper postal system in Costa Rica that would get there.

He's got to post, well, where she lives.

So he's got to post them to a hairdresser's in Cornwall and wait till that hairdresser goes back to the island.

Oh, Colin.

How does Colin plead?

Guilty of not losing anything.

It's yes, I would say.

Put me in prison for not losing anything, like I said.

Put me in prison for telling the truth.

But

is factual accuracy a crime?

If If so, I am guilty.

Send me to a gulag of truth.

But they've lost something because you mistake.

That's my responsibility.

Is it other people's losses?

You've taken the keys that you shouldn't have taken with you.

It's definitely scatty.

It's not scatty.

I say it's little.

You've taken the spare keys by mistake and now you've got to pulse them to a hairdresser's shop in Cornwall.

Already posted them to the hairdresser's.

Already done.

But you shouldn't have kept them.

Keys are back in hand.

You shouldn't have had to have done that.

I kept the keys.

If anything, the problem was I didn't lose enough things.

Because before I left, I I should have lost the spare keys on the rack.

So

I'm walking out of the court to cheer.

People are banging the railings.

What, lost them by putting them back where they were?

By keeping them and not losing them.

They're not in their rightful place.

If you come in here with, I don't know, Izzy's

razor.

Yeah.

You haven't lost it, have you?

I would say I've made a mistake.

Yeah, you've made a mistake.

I didn't come back from the holiday and say I didn't make any mistakes.

I've made hundreds of mistakes.

I would say that Izzy's lost it.

No,

Izzy's had it stolen from you.

Yeah, all right.

So you committed theft.

But yeah.

You're a thief.

But I didn't lose anything.

Yeah.

You're not a loser.

You're a thief.

Yeah.

It's in the realms of understanding what you should or shouldn't have on your belongings.

Yeah, did I say in John Wynn's again, I made errors in the realm of understanding what I should and shouldn't have on my belongings?

No, I didn't.

I said I've lost anything, which I haven't.

Is there any more from Lou Sam?

You should have said, I am John Robbins and I am a thief, is what you should have said.

We've got more.

We've got more from Lou.

Also, when we got insured on the car, I said, get fully comp but we don't have to pay anything if I reverse it into a ditch.

He said, we'd still have to pay something.

No, no, no, Colin.

Do you think this is the first time I've rehearsed into a ditch?

And I would be there on the show today because Dave asked me to call in.

But I'm at Henu, which I thought was in Italy and it's actually in Africa.

So you're all fellows close.

Oh my god.

She's meant to be doing a gig with me on Monday.

That obviously was a diary clash, so she's cancelled that.

Imagine getting the continent of the Henu on.

Yeah.

I can't imagine that.

No, I can't imagine that.

Because it's quite a different.

I'm always right when it comes to the continent.

That's a good one.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Unless it's Oceania, because then that's, you could argue that's Australasia.

Yeah.

But that's a sort of, that's a, you know, that's a technicality.

Maybe a country that straddles the border of a continent.

That's a good one.

It's Turkey, Europe, or Asia.

I get confused with that sometimes.

Yeah, that's...

Russia.

If you're going on a stag to in Russia, Dave,

someone's gone mad.

Then yeah.

Indonesia, I would say certain islands,

I couldn't guarantee.

Well, I'd have to Google it first.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When we take a break, I'll tell you whose handu it is.

Oh, the lovely stuff.

Lovely stuff.

That's nice.

So, yeah.

So, just anything.

Just to recap, I'm right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're not losing.

You're not being caught out.

I'm not a loser.

I'm a thief.

And I've already posted them back.

yeah and i offered to backs for the cost of recutting them because they do have a spare set

yeah

i thought i thought she was going to say i lost my um volterol gel for my toe because i do i took it out of my hold luggage and put it into my hand luggage but it was in a pocket i don't usually use

so at frankfurt airport i had to buy some more voltarol which was in german which was interesting i then found the Volterol in the pocket that I don't usually use, so I've just now got two tubes of Voltarol, so I still haven't lost anything.

And

you'll always be using Volterol.

Oh, I'll be using it for the rest of my life.

Yeah, it's like toothpaste, isn't it?

Yes, you can't have enough.

Yeah, but don't use it on your teeth.

No, for God's sake, no.

Lovely.

Good.

I'm glad we cleared that up.

Good stuff.

Yeah, me too.

It was good to stress-test the boundaries, but once again,

you're fine.

Thank you.

I'm fine.

I've just written, just for my own personal records, the words thief.

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Right, everyone.

Now it's been proved that I'm a thief, not a liar, or a loser.

It's time to find out which accents of this great world are the best of the best.

It's time for Ellison John's World Heritage Accents.

Mississippi.

Belfast.

Laurel Kirk.

Boston.

Winnipeg.

Camarventer Brackett Rural.

Wise Japanese.

Ellison John's World Heritage Accents.

On reflection, a misstep in there.

But

don't need to point out which one.

No.

Because it's an undeniable fact that we all have accents.

Yes.

Some of them are good, some of them are great, but which ones are UNESCO?

We're choosing the very best accents and adding them to the list of Ellis and John's World Heritage accents.

You know, just to recap what's happened so far, we operated a round-robin system.

You don't need to delve into the format permutation.

And then the top highest in each group went forward to knockout stage, both home and away legs.

These are my colours.

These aren't FIFAs.

Yeah, yeah, you'll get the

FIFA.

And then that's the World Cup.

Because Dave,

Dave, they didn't get the World Cup right first time around.

No.

I mean, in the 1980s.

I think, oh, there was a World Cup in the 70s double group stage.

Was there?

Yeah.

So, you know, these things take time.

They still fit them in the Champions League.

I was going to say, UEFA aren't afraid to mess with the format in the old Champions League.

The Big Cup used to be straight knockout.

Yeah, it's Ellis and John's World Cup countdown to the World Heritage Accents World Cup with Ellison John.

That needed tweaking and had a misstep on the way.

Yeah.

And you'll be delighted to know this is the final.

Well done.

We're all at the final.

There isn't a final as such because it's a collection.

Well, it's a round-robin group stage.

The two winners going to a knockout stage, both home and away legs are now, and that's the World Cup.

And this is the final.

Yes.

And then we'll be moving on to something else.

But what a day it is

here in Pittsburgh, the Pittsburgh Steelers Stadium.

So far in the competition, we have had Mississippi.

I'm not as good as you.

I only have one copy of Queen in Cornwall.

Noel West.

I'll tell you what, with an accent like mine, you'd let me look after your rabbit.

Glasgow.

Just go hardy up your nose, man.

You told that, man.

They don't understand what you're saying, man.

You've just got any idea.

But I've just said there, man.

I could be calling you Edna.

Sunderland.

I didn't want to muck them, did it again.

Look, I just wouldn't want the bands to gun through it again.

And Ghanethley.

You don't know who the places that bum can go, John.

So they're all also in the final.

They're through to the final, and they're finalists who receive their laurels.

Well, they're not playing again.

No, they're already winners.

They're winners on the winners' podium.

Yeah.

A few weeks ago, we chose the two final accents to go head-to-head in our final.

They were Belfast and Rural Cork.

We have two callers on the line.

We're going to decide which accent out of Belfast and Rural Cork makes it into Ellison John's World Heritage Accents list.

In short, we'll decide which one of of them is UNESCO.

Representing Belfast, we have Five Lives.

Very own son, Colin Murray.

Hello, Colin.

Firstly, this feature already is an aging well, and it's not even finished.

And in the corner for rural Cork, hailing from a town in Cork's north side, it's comedian Chris Kent.

Hello, Chris.

Hello.

Less of the rural, by the way.

I'm from a big city.

Well, of Cork, a strawling metropolis.

Well, this roaring at all there's no there's no cows outside my windows lats there's no cows at all the the accent i was going from is kilgarven do you know kilgarthon never heard of it wow

in kerry actually i think

it's a completely different place to cork lats well

it's the

it's the home of um of one of my favorite youtube videos which is of ireland's highest pub which is called the top of coombe and there's some incredible accents on display in that video.

Oh my goodness.

There's a man drinking a pint and holding a lamb.

Yeah, and feeding the lamb milk as he drinks Guinness.

It's really, really.

We do that in all the pubs in Ireland, yeah.

That's a very

wow.

This is even more cringe than I thought it was going to be.

This is like,

first of all, you didn't pick the right county, then you picked the wrong part of the county.

Yeah.

And, you know, you've referenced now Cork and Kerry, which are the two places.

Massive rivalries.

Even Irish people struggle with the accent.

And it's basic level humour, John.

Well, I don't see it as a problem to struggle with an accent because an accent can still be beautiful and lyrical, even if you're not necessarily understanding everything that's said.

It doesn't necessarily mean you're in contempt of the accent or making fun of it.

It is near Irish Cork.

How far is it?

No, it's not too near.

Let me actually, what's it called again there, John?

It's a lot of all.

Top of Coombe.

Top of Coombe.

Hold on.

I'm going to put it into Google Maps there now.

You must know it.

You must know it, Screw.

Special, I know everything in Ireland.

You must know it.

You know Margaret, don't you?

And she runs.

Oh, she runs the shop, yeah.

I saw her yesterday and she was saying, get your goat.

That's 42 miles away.

I can be there in an hour and 10 minutes if I leave now.

But it's not mad.

It's still southwest Ireland.

42 miles in Wales, you've got about seven different accents in 40 miles.

yeah there's about 20 accents in cork let alone bringing kerry into the equation absolutely but we wanted cork and we've got cork we wanted cork we've got cork and that's fine and also you know um the cork accent's got a long and storied history on this show hasn't it dave yes yeah because um one of the greatest

creators and creations of detective fiction um has sometimes a cork accent dave and i believe it's your intention to play that clip to both both Colin and Chris and deal with the aftermath.

We can.

Well, John will deal with the aftermath because he is very quick on his feet.

I mean, he's already persuaded me that he's not a loser, but a thief.

Yeah, which is true.

So, I don't know

how big D.I.

Robbins is in Ireland.

I definitely know there's sort of been mixed reviews, but great art

promotes

a plurality of voices.

And it questions, it makes people question things, doesn't it?

You know, it challenges, for God's sake, great art.

Should we hear a little bit of D.I.

Robbins?

I think we should.

Sure.

Well, in the time it's taken me to re-throw the Anderson file, I forbid up.

And I've reverted back to my native cork.

But enough about my dialect.

What does all this mean, Jones?

Why would you bring this nightmare back to me?

Okay.

Wow,

what episode of The Simpsons is this from, did you say?

That was terrible.

Chris, what are your immediate thoughts?

Wow.

Oh,

I've never heard a person in Cork speak like that.

I'm offended offended for you.

For as long as I've been here,

I think Piers Braznan does a better Irish accent

in Mobland than that.

Which is a low bar, which is a low bar.

But

yeah, we get that diddly it thing quite a bit.

We get that diddly it thing and I think it's drummed up mainly in the States.

But yeah, I've never heard that.

That's why I said The Simpsons.

That sort of kind of reminds me of somebody a caricature of Ireland.

I don't speak as a person person from Ireland, but I think there's more there's more grit than the diddly eye in there's more depth to D.I.

Robbins.

There's more range.

There really isn't.

It sounds like someone who was born in Ireland and at five years old moved to Cologne.

That's what that sounded like.

It was

tongue-in-cheek at best.

I don't want to use the obvious word at worst.

I really didn't think they made radio like this anymore.

Is this a recent clip?

Like, yeah, is it recent?

Recently,

20 years.

It's something that

really feels like 10 minutes that you're going to have to apologize in 10 years for on social media.

So much more than 10 minutes.

So, Colin and Chris, both being sort of in the media landscape, what do your accents mean to you?

And what have they given you?

That's a great question.

I would say that

it's a very unique accent, the Belfast accent, but also as a wider Northern Irish accent, it changes.

But

we sort of keep that sort of similar sound.

You know, you're talking to someone from the north.

It just gets higher pitched when you go to Derry.

But it gives us unique phrases.

For example, I think it's an interesting John.

Where do you hear Old English every single day?

Still, well, you'll only hear it in Belfast because we say ye in every sentence that we say.

What about ye?

Often, twice in one sentence, ye hallin' ye, which is what we would definitely say to Ellis.

So we have a turn of phrase, which, no offense, court doesn't really scream that uniqueness.

I feel like Belfast does.

I don't want to blame a Trump card straight away, but Ted Hastings in line of duty, of course, who's made the Belfast brogue cool again and has familiarized the nation with phrases like Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, and the wee donkey, and need I remind you of now.

We're sucking diesel.

So I believe there is absolutely something unique about it.

And not to ramble too much, you can also throw Van Morrison in there because you're honoring him today.

Somebody who a great who sold records all over the world and sings in his own brogue.

Yes, that's on and on, over the hill, and the crack is good,

heading towards cone island and sold millions doing it so it's it's an accent that i believe has such

um a really special sound to it whereas

john thought he was in kerry not cork which speaks volumes no but when you say those lyrics i'm thinking of stopping off at st john's point for some pickled herrings in case we get famished before dinner yeah someone caught me off at the junction

on the bird down to Coney Island.

Yes.

So Chris, what is your accent given you comedically?

And do you have to sort of dumb up or dumb down when you're doing gigs in England, for example?

I try, I don't necessarily dumb down.

I speak relatively slowly though, anyway.

And I think that's part of,

you know, being worried about being misunderstood.

And sometimes I've learned it doesn't matter how slowly you speak.

Not so much gigs in England, but I remember being when i moved to the uk i lived in the uk a few years ago i was in a supermarket i was paying for some some stuff and i said to the lady behind the counter can i pay by cart now

i think that's fairly straightforward what i said there and the fact that i'm at a cash register but she looked at me she'd never heard this noise in her life she was like what and i was like can i pay by cart i thought she'd get it the second time and she did not i said it again and then i took my bank card out bear in mind we're at a cash register, and I was like, Can I pay by card?

And then she said, Do you want a carrot?

No,

I know how carrots work.

You get carrots from over there.

I don't want a carrot.

I want to pay by card.

So, um, but I do try my best not to

change it too much because it's a slippery slope.

I know a few friends that have moved to England and they get a little bit of a twang of the English accent.

And I think it's really hard, actually.

You need to stay grounded grounded and a lot of FaceTime with family members back in Cork and words like mate, I would tend to sort of try not to have them in my vocabulary because saying mate in a Cork accent, it takes an awful lot of effort not to not to slip into sort of an anglicized English version.

Do you know what I mean?

When you do that because all of a sudden you're like, you're right, mate.

And I'm like, who?

And then I'm slagged for 10 years when I get back to Cork.

It's so true.

What happens is, right,

we have to sort of slow down a bit when we're in england right i have to certainly do it on countdown and i have to just really think about saying power if i'm doing a tea time teaser because if i say power they're like what you know tile and stuff like that so we go home and get told you changed

and then when we're when we're in england we get we get told what are you saying slow down and we're always caught in between and the one thing that connects us that you you guys don't really have maybe alice has it a bit possibly but chris and i can have a conversation where we both talk at the same time and listen at the same time and hear everything that the other person is saying.

Yes, absolutely.

When you were doing gigs in England, Chris, I used to find that when I did gigs in England, I had to reference the fact that I was from Western.

If I didn't,

it felt a bit weird.

Yeah.

Because people could tell I was Welsh from the way I spoke.

So then I had to have...

lines about it in the first couple of minutes.

It's the same with me and lifting.

You know, because if I don't immediately start with something about my gym routine, people are like, why is it a Mr.

Universe got on stage at the comedy club?

Absolutely.

So

did you feel that you had to reference it when you were doing gigs in the universe?

No, I think initially I had some material about moving over and being from Cork, but you know, you just want to kind of move on from that.

So

I didn't always reference, but I do get what you're saying because when you don't reference it, I think people in the audience are trying to figure it out.

They're going, oh, it's Irish.

We think it's Irish, but what part of Ireland is it from?

You get that little bit of people sort of turning to each other.

I think he's from this place.

No, I think he's from that place.

And it doesn't really matter, you know, but.

But

it can be quite distracting for them.

And afterwards, they'll come up and they'll have wagers and they'll be like, oh, yeah.

And they'll say, where are you from?

And he'll say, I'm from Cork, actually.

I knew it.

Well, why did you ask me?

Why were you asking me then if you knew it?

andrew ryan's had a great opening line for this we come on stage and go hello my name's andrew rayon i'm from europe oh yeah i really like that line so um obviously this is the final of the world heritage accents um i always was planned to be and uh we need you've got 20 seconds each to put forward your case for your accent up first it's chris so chris why should cork be added to ellison john's world heritage accents list?

I think purely so you don't piss off Rai Keen.

I'd say that's the number one reason.

Getting on the wrong side of Rai Keen.

So I would say it's your job, put cork on the list.

And,

you know,

I also think I disagree with Colin saying we don't have our own language down here.

We have, I don't know if you've ever been called a Lang Ball.

No, what's that?

It's what you are, John.

Oh, dear.

I'm

Lang ball.

Yeah, exactly that.

What's it like?

I've not heard that voice word before.

What's a lang ball, Chris?

There's a

famous cork sort of thing called langer, which can be like, it's a kind of a derogatory term.

It can also mean lots of things like your appendage and all that.

And lang ball is just a bit more insulting.

You can be nice and be a langer.

He's a langer.

Yeah, he's lovely, but you're a lang ball.

That is another

like, you know, you don't want to be a lang ball.

A lang ball.

Okay.

Next up in the final, it's Colin.

Colin, why should we deem Belfast UNESCO?

Because giving it the corks like giving Messi another ballon d'Or, they don't need it.

The Northern Ireland accent, when I grew up, was only heard in the news mainly.

But it's about love and warmth and soda bread.

By preserving it, you're honoring its rebirth.

If you don't, I genuinely think the Director General will have to get involved no pressure on you whatsoever he's too busy trying to outrun a horse

can i just say this as well i don't want to fight with chris but cork is the rebel city this is a very corporate thing to do this cork cork doesn't need this i go as far as to say cork doesn't want this

i it is so clear that colin had been adjudicating defend the indefensible on fight and talk for years and years because

give him 20 seconds he's an absolute monster.

This is amazing.

Well, I mean, it's interesting because, I mean, we've already established that even to experts, the Cork and Kerry accent are indistinguishable.

So, you know, is

that's the worst line of the whole thing.

That's who they're going to get messages for.

Oh, my goodness.

But how do we decide

whether Cork or Belfast are UNESCO

win the final to join the other finalists and also one.

I personally think they're both UNESCO.

Do you?

I love the way Chris is.

No one wants that.

I love the way Chris has.

No one wants that.

But if I had to choose an accent for myself, I would love to speak like Colin.

I think it has such authority.

I will speak to you anytime I'm dare now.

If you're having problems,

give me a call.

Dave, what are your thoughts?

I don't mind providing the soundtrack.

I think for me,

with how they were sold in at the end in the last 20 seconds, it's very hard to look past Colin and Belfast.

I think it's Belfast for me.

It seems sweet.

How are you feeling, Chris?

How are you feeling?

I'm feeling okay, really.

Yeah, not too bad.

Well, I've recently started following an Instagram account of a farmer who is often...

sort of trying to sort out his cows extremely hungover.

Oh, is he Northwalian?

No, no,

he's from Ireland.

Oh, right.

It's very funny.

Oh, I know.

He's very funny.

Yes, yeah, yes.

Oh, yes.

I think I know the guy.

Do you know the guy?

I think so, yeah.

Man, he talks about, he says, that was a professional display of drinking.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Lord, that was some professional.

And we had the points, of course.

And then he tells his cows off for lowing while he's hungover.

Oh, Jesus, lads, will you not do it?

No, I'm dead.

So for me, it's cork all the way, but we have to respect the majority vote here and UNESCO.

Yes.

And the listeners who don't want this feature to continue.

And

we've got to say it's Belfast.

Yes.

Yes.

Congratulations.

I just want to say to Chris.

I just want to say to Chris, huge respect for you.

Sorry you had to go through this feature.

It's clickbait journalism at its worst.

Outside of Derbyshire, you're all the same.

Conin, do you know what we're discussing next?

We're discussing Liverpool and Money United.

Who's got the best fans?

Oh, my God.

We are, and I'll be doing impressions of both.

Yeah.

Who's got the best fans and who's the best?

Well, thank you so much for joining us.

A successful end to a successful feature.

We just breed success here on James and John Robin Shedley.

And we thank Colin Murray and Chris Kent.

Check out.

Hold on,

Colin.

Congratulations.

Thank you, mate.

I feel like just surviving it was victory enough for both of us.

Absolutely.

And we're going to be coming up with more great features, including who's got the best fans.

See you next week.

Right then, folks, let's read some of your emails.

You can send them to ellisandjohnbc.co.uk.

You can also WhatsApp us, 07974-293022.

First off is an anonymous email sharing another article, and it's another arrow in the quiver of the great

collection of arrows, men, that is Timmy Mallet's good character.

It's an article from the Belfast Telegraph, which we've just been talking about.

For a small island, it has an enormous coastline, quotes Timmy Mallet as he cycles 3,500 miles around Irish seaboard.

That's further than the Tour de France.

Former children's TV presenter Timmy Mallet aimed to bring a smile with every mile as he cycled more than 3,500 miles around Ireland's entire coastline.

The English broadcaster is best known for presenting roles on TV AM and the Wide Awake Club, as well as for his 1990 number one hit, Itsy Bitsy, Teeny Weenie, Yellow Polka Dot Bikini.

Recently, the 69-year-old

has taken

for his age.

Has taken to the coastal roads of Ireland after circumnavigating all of Great Britain in 2023.

We've got to get him on.

We'll try again.

I wonder whether I've just got an old website because there's a management department.

Me too.

Well, I think you've got to go direct to Mallet on social media.

Well, maybe I do.

Maybe it's direct to Mallet.

I think it's direct inject.

I need to DMTM.

You need to DMTM.

I want to see on X and Insta, presumably, is it?

I don't know.

Yeah, he's on X, I think.

Yeah, he will be.

He

looks so good for 69.

He looks the same.

Well, there's an awful lot of chatter online about how Noel Edmonds looks at 76.

Noel Edmonds looks fantastic.

I would look like Noel Edmonds at 50.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, if you offered, if you offered

a deal of Noel Edmonds at 76, I would snap your hand off, including the clothes.

Well, Edmonds has recently launched his Instagram profile.

He has.

And it's being shared.

It's captured the hearts and minds of a generation.

Yeah.

But I am starting to wonder if Edmonds has sort of got the secret.

He's unlocked the door somehow.

He's still doing deal or no deal.

When would that have been 15 years?

20 years ago, almost.

Yeah.

Because I met him in, you know, like I've met him in person then.

I didn't see him topless on deal or no deal, in fairness to Edmonds.

Some wearing a tight shirt, though, tucked in.

Before

you fell out of favour on deal, and there were deal children, due to the

due to my attitude and hangover.

Yeah.

Was he perfectly nice?

Yes.

Was he nice to me?

Oh, yeah, yeah, look.

Very nice to me.

We've got some.

He's got a washboard stamp div.

It is amazing.

Hang on, we've got more emails, Dave.

But it's linked to TM.

Linked to TM?

Yeah, we've got a post that's linked.

So now is the time.

It's a mallet, is it?

Is it a mallet?

It's mallet.

Dave's opening a box that says fragile, fragile.

Twice.

twice.

I do have to be careful.

I mean.

Very similar handwriting to the way I've written thief.

Let's have a little look.

Hello to you, happy little hedgehogs.

Oh, I like that.

After your recent discussions about good eggs, I was inspired to dig out my arty crafty stuff and make something that might inspire you to think of more eggs for your basket.

So please say hello to your own Timmy and Chesney.

I hope they bring a warm glow of good eggedness to your days.

I'd also like to thank you for hours of listening pleasure.

John with a bright ray of sunshine in his heart and his willy was a joy.

Which is something John said was a joy.

And Ellis's recent pronunciation of both cute and ramsbottom was a delight.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Here's to many more hours of great content.

And they've done

genuinely very intricately crafted little eggs.

There's one Timmy Mallett one who's got a little sidewoods cap on, a little jaunty cap.

And then there's a Chesney who's in like, I think, a nice blazer and shirt.

That's very good.

But they are eggs.

They've sucked the...

Well, we'll have to go in the basket of good eggs.

Well, we have to go to the bottom.

We do have to have them on the shelf as well.

We do actually, we've not introduced the basket of good eggs yet, but we have got a basket of good eggs now for good eggs to go in.

Okay, well, we'll put Cheggsny and Timmy.

Oh, yeah.

Brackets egg.

Into the basket of good eggs.

Oh, yes.

We've got to get Malay on here somehow.

Here we go.

So there's your basket.

There's the basket of good eggs.

So Chesney and...

Are these real eggs?

No, they're wooden.

Wooden eggs?

They must be very nice.

But we don't want to break these eggs.

So we need to put them near the basket.

We'll just put them in for now.

But I don't think...

But they're going to get rumbled around and broken, Dave.

I just thought for ceremonial purposes it would have been nice.

It must be very nice for Timmy Mallet to know that...

People of our age who watched him when we were little kids, we've got nothing but fond memories of him.

My memories of Timmy Mullet are entirely positive.

What a fantastic gift.

Thank you for Dan in Norwich, a fantastic man, who sent in his rules for S-Head,

which are too

complete to go through now, but I've taken a photo of them, Dan.

Dan.

Dan's a fantastic man, he really is.

And I'll be playing those rules, though I'm not quite sure

about the king rule.

But anyway.

Is it a drinking game S had?

Or because it's just a game?

No, it's just a game.

So this is a fantastic Skiving story from Zach in the MCR,

which I don't know if that's a pun on Back in the USSR.

Yes, I think it is.

Zach in the MCR.

Manchester.

Well, it might be Mature Common Room.

That's what it was at school, uni.

Yes.

Anyway, hello, Sunshine Sausages.

I wanted to share with you what I believe may be the ultimate workplace Sky, a feat of disappearance so complete it genuinely defies HR logic.

My uncle, now in his early 70s, once worked as a sales executive, solid, unremarkable work.

In his early 50s, after a stretch of high-pressure targets and what he described as simply one meeting too many, he had a mild stress-related breakdown.

The company responded compassionately, placing him on sick leave with full pay.

That might have been the end of it.

If it weren't for the fact the entire senior management team were replaced shortly after.

In the great shuffle of handovers, my uncle ceased to exist in any active sense.

No one followed up.

No one asked where he'd gone.

And yet, crucial detail, the salary kept arriving.

Hello.

This state of affairs persisted for 15 years.

No performance reviews, no appraisals, not even a Christmas card, just a quiet, uninterrupted stream of monthly pay slips delivered in perpetuity by a system that assumed, perhaps fondly, that somewhere out there he was still doing a cracking job.

I only found out about this when he turned 65 and asked if I thought he should finally get in touch now that he was officially drawing his pension.

I said it was probably time.

He'd had a good run.

As it turned out, he'd been so cautious with the money, quietly assuming someone someday might realise and ask for it back, that he'd he'd barely touched a penny.

For 15 years, he lived as if it might be clawed back in one go.

Since retirement, though, his confidence has grown considerably.

He now spends roughly six months of the year on various holidays around the world, making up for lost time and them some.

Wow!

Wow!

The only issue I have is I would never be able to relax.

No.

Because if they say, listen, you've got to pay it back.

Well, no, you wouldn't have to pay it back because it's under the terms of the agreement of your

of your sick pay of your compassionate leave you haven't

ready to get 50 years yeah

but that's their mistake there's no way you're going to be liable for that i think i would have had to check in yeah i would have had to it feels because i wonder did he did he get a second did he get a second job or did he just

yeah what was he living on

Well, maybe he was just taking a part of it, but I mean,

I guarantee that had the company found out of their own volition they would have been so embarrassed the person who found out who was responsible would have been so embarrassed they would have said can we please keep this between ourselves because if anyone finds out about this i'm losing my job it's cool it quits

i love that's the ultimate that's now the no one can beat 15 years full pay the problem is now it's given you a dream that you can never fulfill

This is what you want, but no one will pay you for something you haven't done for the next 15 years.

I suppose I bux 100 quid once a year, don't I?

But I mean, it's not enough to live for it.

But it's passive income.

Yeah.

Yes, that's the ultimate passive income.

It's entirely passive.

Is it ethical?

Is it okay?

Yeah.

He's contracted to the company.

It's their fault.

Yeah.

Yeah, I suppose.

I don't know.

I think the guilt would eat me alive.

Just my fear would be being given a massive bill.

God, aren't you two?

A couple of squares.

Live life to the max.

You said I lived life to the max.

You've lived life to the men since 1982.

And I think deep down, if this was you,

you would not sleep a wink knowing this was happening.

After a year, you'd sleep loads of winks.

I did once get overpaid.

Loads of winks.

I did once get overpaid by Virgin Mega Store.

And I told them.

Yes, this is it.

We're all honest humans.

I spent it all on fruit machines, Dave.

I had to sort out a payment.

I got a tax rebate once of above 300 quid.

Did you?

Amazing.

Yeah.

Just for a moment.

But that's different.

That's fine.

Yeah, you're the money you've paid.

Of course, but it was just such an odd thing to happen.

That is a nice feeling.

I got another parking ticket this week.

Oh, did you?

What are you doing, John?

Well, all those times I thought that I hadn't avoided it because I hadn't got a parking ticket on my vehicle.

They were recording.

So now what I've done,

I'll whisper this, Dave.

Someone got in touch.

Have you painted your car in invisible paint?

If you set up autopay,

right?

So the cameras recognise your plate and take direct debit, you take the money out of your account, all good.

You never forget to pay again.

Yeah.

But if the cameras aren't working, you get to park for free.

John.

The problem is, I've now got 180 quids worth of fines that I have to earn back in the camera's not working.

John, I'm going to hold up a sign to you.

Yes, the sign that says the thief.

Well, no, because I've put it in place.

I have now set up autopay.

Yes.

My card is on file.

No more questions, Your Honor.

I'm a thief, not a loser.

But now

the onus is on them to maintain their cameras.

Yeah, absolutely.

And that's fair enough.

That's fine.

No, you're ready to pay as and when the cameras are there, when they're working.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry, just to say, I don't know if I said the name.

The eggs are from Judith.

Oh, thank you, Judith.

Judith.

I think I missed off the name, which is terribly rude.

Thank you, Judith.

Thanks, Thanks, Judith.

Appreciate your eggs.

They are on the table in front of us now as we speak, and they will be for the next two records whilst we're here.

Now then, Dave, this is from Theresa.

Teresa says, just checking in to see if you'd listen to Tuesday's episode of The Rest is Entertainment.

Now, I've not heard that podcast.

Ellis, do you listen to it?

No, I do listen.

I have not listened to this episode.

Well, apparently, micro-dramas are the hot new trend.

They're about a minute long, and there's usually about 60 of them.

How is this real?

Because that was my joke two years ago.

They're They're often about secret billionaires and the like.

Industry is now worth 6.8 billion.

Maybe it's time to resurrect D.I.

Robbins.

Teresa, do you not listen to the Bureau de Charge of the Mind?

D.I.

Robbins is back and badder than ever, both senses of the word.

Does it count as a microdrama?

Is it not too long?

They're about sort of seven to twelve minutes.

These are 60 seconds.

60 seconds.

I think it's too long to be a microdrama.

Is this the way it's all going?

Sadly, yes.

But what are they?

What's it on?

What are these little...

I do have to listen to the rest of this entertainment.

Also, thank you very much for all of the book recommendations about East Germany and

Berlin during the Cold War, especially books around the Berlin Wall.

I find them all fascinating.

And to the people who recommended The Race Against Astasi, that was bought for me by my good friend, the lovely Rodri,

who knew I would like that, because it's a combination of East Germany and cyclic.

Is there another point where you're sort of just reading all the facts you know already?

Or are they different takes?

No, it was different takes.

And it was, you know, the country was in existence for 41 years.

It's just absolutely fascinating.

But the reunification of Germany is such a.

Sorry, a different podcast.

Really good stuff.

Let's go over a coffee.

Very good.

Well, we will be back with you on Tuesday.

And

tomorrow.

And tomorrow, because of the Bureau de Change of the Mind.

Only.

Only available on BBC Sounds.

Anyway, thank you very much for downloading.

See you very soon.

Goodbye.

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