#445 - Colin, Carras and A Big Frozen Bag of Mince

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Hello, thank you very much for downloading this episode of Ellis and John.

I'm in a great mood.

Dave's in a great mood.

Why are we in such a good mood?

Because we've got him back.

We had a week without John Robbins, and it was absolutely horrible, wasn't it, Dave?

Well, we didn't have a week without John from a listening perspective.

No, we did in the sense that he's been away.

He's not been in our lives.

He's not been in our lives, which is the important thing.

Don't care about the listeners.

No, no, no.

I just stared at a framed picture of him last Friday.

You were without me and not without me in a linear sense.

No.

In a linear sense, I was very much present in the world.

Absolutely, but that's not good enough for me.

No, however, in an organic sense,

I was afar.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

I listened to so much Van Morrison.

Did you?

Just trying to connect with a man.

Yeah.

I even gave Queen a go.

Did you?

Yeah.

What album do you listen to?

Tenement Funsta.

I just listened to it again and again and again and again.

But it didn't scratch the Robbins itch.

And I think we're gonna get a good Sean Robbins today because he's come back from his holes he's full of vitamin D

he's looking great also Zoff who works for the show uh has brought in Rocky Road no Zoff's partner Elsa who I threatened to sack despite her not working on the show yeah or for the company or for the company yeah yeah

Zoff what does Elsa do

She's a studio manager

she's not related to our show in any way at all no but I did threaten to sack her because I'm sure if I made the relevant inquiries, I could be in touch with her management and say that she hadn't made me vegan Tiffin with raisins.

And it's those soft skills that really make you such an approachable man.

That's how powerful John is.

Dave, that's how I mold the world to my vision.

Yeah.

And you've done a great job of it.

I've done a great job.

So Elsa, obviously keen to keep her job,

has sent in

vegan Tiffin with a note saying, dear John, please don't fire me.

I really need this job.

And I am happy now.

I am satisfied to allow Elsa to continue in her role, which is not connected with this show or company or even in this building.

She's good Val, though, isn't she, Elsta?

She's good Val.

She needs to be.

I am considering offering Elsa a promotion.

Should more vegan chocolate treats, or even non-vegan, as long as they don't have marshmallows and do have raisins, make their way into this studio.

What would the promotion involve?

Well, obviously extra responsibility for her.

Oh, yeah.

Extra bunts?

But inflation plus 1% pay rise.

Wow.

I'd love it if just one day on her email signature, it changed to executive studio manager.

And her boss goes, oh, sorry, what's happened here?

Oh, yeah, good news.

John Robbins gave me a promotion last week.

So it's very much a case of spreading joy in promotions and the threats of firing across the land.

Yes.

Because, boys, I am full of Pura Vida.

What's that mean?

Ah, Pura Vida, yes.

A bottle of water is not a sound.

No, it's not a bottle of water, actually.

It's a phrase.

Oh, yeah.

It's a state of mind in Costa Rica.

Oh, yeah.

And I'm all about Pura Vida now.

Does it mean sort of

live life to the max?

It's in that it's hard to explain.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

But it's sort of a general sort of be chilled, be pure, pure, eat lots of pineapple until it gives you the squits.

Nice.

The Costa Rica way.

The Costa Rica way.

And you would have it in neon in an Airbnb, on socks, on a cap, on a t-shirt.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Is it like the Welsh word coch, which I actually find the marketing around that word very irritating?

It's keep calm and carry on for the sunburnt generation.

But it's very much, I think it means pure life, pure living.

Oh, yeah, you've always had one of those.

We've always lived pure.

And, yeah.

I mean, apart from the booziest.

Yeah,

well, even then, I drank some pretty pure booze.

Yes, you did.

Yeah.

I like it.

I just, I like the, I like the essence.

It's a Costa Rican phrase.

Encapsulates the country's positive, relaxed, and eco-conscious ethos.

That's John Robbins.

It's a positive.

And he's relaxed.

It's a greeting.

It's a response and an attitude that reflects the joy and appreciation for life's simple place.

So I was saying...

Did you get that from AI?

Yeah.

because someone sent in an email saying when you google where is john robbins now it says john robbins the english comedian and radio presenter is currently working in west yorkshire he is the chief constable of the west yorkshire police oh i get updates on the chief constable of the west yorkshire police every week because i've got your name as a google alert yeah because he's called john robbins you've got John's name as haven't you

why because

John no yes of course you need to know if we get cancelled ahead of a pre-report oh yeah

No, because sometimes, and this is how it has worked in the past, there'll be an article that's written about either of you.

And as we know.

By one of the great Tomes

sort of,

what would it be?

Philosophy Monthly.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the Daily Mail sidebar of shame.

Well, yeah.

No, no.

No, thanks.

No.

But it's good to know.

London Review of Books, probably like us.

Yeah, TLS.

But if there's a glowing endorsement, it looks good in awards write-ups.

So it's just good to be kept abreast of any alerts of you and the police force.

Constantly getting

Google alerts about us.

Yes.

Well, not that often.

Oh yeah, fair enough.

I gotta get that.

Yeah.

I get the occasional Google.

Yeah, I'll hold my hands up to that.

So yeah, Pura Vida Vida, John.

So do the locals just go up to each other and say, Pura Vida?

Yeah, pretty much.

Do they?

Pretty much that's the vibe.

Yeah.

So we have just 11 days in Costa Rica.

And are you gonna...

How long is the Puravida Pura mind Puravida mindset gonna last?

It's wearing on it.

It's already waning.

It's already waning.

Yeah, when I got home and found a nest of earwigs under my front door,

that impacted Pura Vida.

Yes.

Because obviously I'd not been there to keep track of the earwigs.

So what do you do then?

Well, you just scoop them up and chuck them in the drive.

Okay.

And then there was a moth in my

pillowcase.

Oh, no.

Oh, really?

Oh, but don't get me started on the bugs in Costa Rica days.

Well, let's, well, wait a minute, because, spoiler alert, there might be a John Wins again popping

in Samson.

But I'm letting you know that don't

ruin anything that might be in your John Winslow.

Well, let's do John Wynns again.

Why do you want to go straight in with John Wins again?

Straight in.

Wow.

Well, it's a Costa Rica.

Cura Vida deep.

Curaid.

It's a Costa Rica edition of John Wins again.

Okay.

Because, Because, you know, I don't go on many hollybobs.

I love saying.

Yeah, you've got to be careful to stop saying that word.

It divides opinion.

A hollybobs.

Yeah, so we can catch up with my experiences of Costa Rica via the medium of John Wynn's Again Costa Rica edition.

Okay, right.

Let me just get my.

Has Zoff got some Costa Rican background music, Dave, or she's sucked.

No, you told us it was going to be a Costa Rican special seven minutes ago.

How long does it take to download a Costa Rica song?

Zoff, look at Costa Rica Piravida's playlist on Spotify, please.

We'll put it in in post, Dave.

No, we'll play the John wins again theme, which is fantastic, actually.

Okay, here we go.

John wins again.

Oh, John wins again.

John wins again.

John wins again.

Wins again.

Wins again.

Always forget my background as a crooner.

It's so good.

It sounds really good.

So just big heads up before we head into John Wins Again Costa Rica edition.

You've got jetpack.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

And then some.

I slept for 25 hours in the last two two nights,

okay.

Love to do that, yeah.

Um, throughout the entirety of the trip, the people I was with-Luke, Lou, and Lucy, referred to me as Colin because I was so organized and I was sort of everyone's stepdad.

Sometimes that was a term of endearment, sometimes that was a term of frustration.

No one will ever do that to me.

No, you're never a Colin.

You're a Brad.

Oh,

yeah.

Keep talking, Dave.

Brad.

So, number one, Dave, chalk them up.

I did not lose one item, neither in transit nor in stay.

Ellis, why was that the case?

Because you're Colin, organized old Colin.

What is my technique?

The triple tap?

Well, this is why holidays are stressful, because you have to start updating the power 4, the quadruple tap, wallet keys, phone, vape.

Oh, of course, yeah.

With wallet keys, phone vape, passport, boarding pass, all of your luggage, room key, these sorts of things.

So that becomes very stressful.

Luckily,

Colin manages that by just being hyper-vigilant to the point of expiration.

But what is my

vigilance?

What is my tactic?

What, like the 20-tapped technique?

No, you write a list of all the things you need to pack.

As you pack them, you tick them off the list.

You take a photo of the list so that when you repack, you cross again to make sure you've got everything, Dave.

Yeah, I do that.

I do it on my iPhone, and then I put a little green tick if it's gone in, and a red cross if it hasn't.

He's learning, Dave.

Yeah, I'm just a great guy who's good fun.

Very rarely loses things on holiday.

Next up, what is the hardest thing to get hold of in Costa Rica?

Therapy.

No, actually.

We went to Samura, which is very spiritual.

Oh, okay.

It's black tea, English breakfast tea.

But you took tea bugs, didn't you?

Yes, Colin's got his Tupperware box.

Have you been on all do my mum?

That's what she does, that.

Well, I like your box.

And Cornflix as well, she shows you've sent to it.

What's the second hardest thing to get hold of in Costa Rica?

E6.

Earl Grey tea.

Oh.

He's got a very big Tupperware box.

In your luggage.

Yes.

Cool, man.

So Colin's Tupperware box of tea.

Yes.

It's the win, isn't it?

Ellison Colin is a different vibe, isn't it?

What's that?

Look at the podcast.

It's called Ellison Colin.

I saw, sure, come up, Dave, dolphins, howler monkeys, whiteface monkeys, a cane toad, a cute jungle fox, raccoons, sloths, parrots, a pelican, a big blue butterfly, and two pussycats.

So is that just animals that we put in the cell?

That's a huge win.

Yeah, but seeing all the lovely animals.

It's just one good, it's one great tip.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you hear the cute fox of sex?

No.

Oh, okay.

No, they just snogged costume cookers of pure avida.

They just fondle each other.

One night I was in my room, everyone else was out in a bar, and I stayed home because I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with my hyper-vigilant checking of everything.

Yes, yes.

And I saw out the corner of my eye something walk past the door of my room.

It's just these French doors.

So I stayed in my room for two hours and said, guys, I'm not coming out till you're home because there's a monster.

Turned out to be a lovely little pussycat.

Stop saying that word.

Lucy Pierman.

I've seen you for two hours.

No.

But you texted everyone.

So do they feel obliged to come back?

Oh, they're always feeling obliged.

Lucy Pierman made boiled eggs for the catamaran, where we went dolphin watching.

Who's got two thumbs and a sachet of mustard?

This guy.

Yeah, so I had mustard on my eggs.

Everybody else had bare eggs.

Mustard on eggs.

Naked eggs.

Naked eggs.

Union naked eggs.

Not even a bit of salt.

No, I don't think they did, though.

I did have salt in sachets.

Naked eggs.

I had two dinners four nights in a row.

I'm not sure what I feel about that.

It was great.

One completely by accident.

What do you mean by accident?

Well, we went to an Italian restaurant.

And you went twice.

Yeah, and Colin was quite clear on explaining to everyone how Italian menus work.

Yeah, yeah.

Because you have a premi, then you have a secundi.

Yeah, yeah.

And it's like...

So you have appetizer primi and secundi.

Yeah.

Whereas it turnouts you don't.

You have one of the premi or the secundi.

So I ate two pasta dishes.

And I bet you finished them.

Oh, goodness, did I finish them, Dave?

I think I hate Colin.

My phone's broke.

Well, do you hate Colin?

When you hear the next on the list, 2,246 kilometers of driving, not one scratch on the car.

Oh, God.

Right.

Because Colin was the only person I allowed to drive while I was in the car.

Okay.

Lou took the car for half an hour to herself and reversed it into a ditch.

I saw that on Instagram.

Colin and Lou.

What a story it is.

They could not be more different.

It is the classic odd couple.

Yes.

I'm like, like, it doesn't make sense, really.

No, it doesn't make any sense at all.

Colin should be hanging out with, I don't know, Duncan Banner Tyne.

Why?

Because he must be organised.

He's made millions of pounds.

I don't think Colin would.

Colin would be hanging out with Noel Edmonds.

Oh, do you think?

Yeah.

If you followed Noel Edmonds' Instagram account, he's just started one up.

I would recommend it.

Okay, I'll do that.

I'll give that a follow later on.

Okay, but Lou would be hanging out with...

Oh, Lou's very pure of Eda.

Yeah.

She would admit, sometimes she's a little too pure of Eda.

You know, she doesn't live in Costa Rica, actually.

But then Colin can be a little bit too Colin.

Yeah, it works.

It works.

It does work.

And because Lou is Puravida, she came home a day early to be on the wheel,

which meant that

on the TV show.

Yeah.

Great.

Which meant that her seat next to me on the plane was free.

Both ways.

Costa Rica to Frankfurt.

Frankfurt to London.

It's Johnny JR on the plane with a free seat.

When a lady tried to sit in it next to me, I said, that's my seat.

She said, it's not your sat in your seat.

And I said, yes, but I've got two seats.

They're both mine.

And then I showed her my boarding pass and she backed down.

Why did you want the second seat then?

To have more space.

But what are you using the second seat?

My things.

Oh, yeah.

And what are they?

My cap and my crosswords.

And I can put my bag in that foot well.

I mean, who doesn't want a free seat next to them on a flight?

Yeah, yeah.

It's a dream scenario.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the rules are different because on a train,

no matter whether you've got it reserved or not, if it's a busy train, you're going to kind of go, okay,

yeah.

But a plane, I think you can be quite strict on the fact that.

You can be strict because it's in the manifest, Dave, which is another point I made.

The dream is that I I once

did gigs in Australia and Chris Martin, one of the comedians I was traveling over with, he had a completely empty row.

So even though we were in economy, he could lie across all four seats.

Effectively had a bed.

And I was jealous.

A bed with a

seatbelt buckle in your eyes, chest, penis, and knees.

Yeah, just like my bed at all.

Yeah, it's perfect.

It's perfect.

Okay, unfortunately, we have to head to the losses, Dave.

What are we on?

How many wins have I got?

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven big wins.

Okay, well, first is an update from last series of John Wins again.

I thought I'd got away with free parking in the station car park.

Turns out they've installed ANPR cameras and the ticket arrived two weeks late.

Unfortunately, within the terms of

the legal charging of the fine, so I did have to pay.

What are we looking at?

60, 60

big ones, 60.

60 grand.

60.

Then, because I'm old, I've got one toe with some arthritis, which I stubbed the night before we left, and that was inflamed for a week.

Oh.

So, Colin was limping in his crocs.

Is it inflamed or enflamed?

Inflamed.

Inflamed.

That's a shame.

Yes, that is a shame.

Can we stop on the crocs?

Yes, Dave.

Because you were.

I seem to recall you laughed in the face of a croc not long ago, and I said, I own

I'm the anti-croc.

Oh, are you?

I've had crocs for years.

I think they're the ugliest shoes ever created.

But I accept that now the whole world has changed its mind.

Well, you say this.

Our generation hasn't.

So I get flack from our generation.

I get massive props from dakids.

Yeah,

my kids wear crocs all the time.

Yeah, because they're cool like me.

Yeah.

And I'm cool.

What are those little things that you attach to crocs i think they're called gibbets gibbets have you got lots of gibbets no but a lot of people did so i should get some and i'm you know looking into it

i don't think so gibbets are cool day i'm not sure they're cool in the undertens it's that is a cool in the over tens actually yeah what okay what gibbets would you get batman maybe i don't know

someone showed me a cool batman one But it's a serious point, actually.

Oh, yeah.

Because you can get sunburnt through Crocs, who's got the holes.

Yeah, yeah.

So strategically placed gibbets

could

or gaffer tape could protect you from harmful uv rays i wonder if there's some frank zapper gibbets oh well i could just get an f and a z yes couldn't i just yes you could just okay day one we arrive um the lovely lady who owns the airbnb her sons were there i think they are

we're gonna say six and ten twelve so croc gibbet age well croc gibbet age uh i said to the 10 slash 12 year old

I said can we just have a serious conversation about tarantulas?

Are there a lot?

How many have you seen?

He said I've only seen three in my life.

So I thought that's good.

One every three

in 3.3 to 4 years.

That's fine.

First thing we saw when we got there was a tarantula in the door front.

An actual tarantula.

But they're not lethal are they tarantulas?

Yeah, but that's not why they're scary.

It is.

No, it's not.

It's scary because they're massive.

If I think I'm going to die, I'll be scared.

If I know I'm not going to die, I'll be fine.

You've seen arachnophobia, right?

Yeah, that was a film.

Okay, I'm going to fill your house with non-lethal tarantulas.

And we'll see you a week later and see how that's worked out.

I mean, fill or one.

If it's one, that's fine.

I'll just.

And Izzy will be fine with that will show you.

Oh, no, Izzy wouldn't.

Yeah.

Hold on.

But Izzy again needs to have a word with herself.

If John said to you, there's a non-lethal

eight-inch tarantula in the house.

I'm not going to tell you where it is, but it is somewhere.

You're saying you're chilled about that.

If it's non-lethal, I'm fine.

If it's lethal, I'm extremely perturbed.

So you're happy for an eight-inch tarantula to just be crawling over your face when you're asleep.

Yeah.

That's not true.

I don't think that's true.

That's a lie.

I'm sad.

And you know that's a lie.

Rats, I don't like, so they might bite me.

Yeah, but they're not lethal.

Yeah.

Tarantula's not going to bite me, is it?

It could.

I changed my mind.

I just thought they sort of found the round.

No, I think I could bite you.

All right, not ideal, not ideal.

I'll give you that.

Do you know the film rating of Arachnophobia when it came out was PG.

I know, man.

Yes, crazy.

You can't flush Luroll in Costa Rica.

Ah.

And for someone who has flushed Luroll his whole life and is quite proud of that, it's a hard habit to break.

And it turns out it's the most automatic movement I make.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Well, if you've done something between 2 and 13 while I was drinking times a day,

it is a hard thing to immediately to not immediately drop the loo roll.

It's

muscle memory and what a muscle.

What a memory.

I bagseied the most isolated room before realizing that the toilet had no door, so it was effectively outside in the middle of the jungle at night, which made going for a wee the scariest thing I've done.

So wild weeing.

Oh, Dave, the bugs.

I cannot tell you

sort of cockroaches etc uh i only saw a cockroach in a cab we got uh moths the size of your hand

maybe popping in your face yeah flying beetles oh okay which then land on their back and can't write themselves most of the time how does that work and you put them the right way up and they immediately fall over again and then they die they just expire from energy of trying to write themselves that's uh that's a flaw of evolution massive flaw of evolution

Actually,

or a fox.

The floor is that we developed sort of ceramic tiles.

That's what they're struggling with.

On the forest floor, they'd be okay.

Purchase.

Yeah, they've got purchase.

They've got roughage.

Were they flapping in your face and were they biting?

Did you get any bites?

Well, okay, we'll skip ahead.

After 10 days of living in the jungle, how many

mosquito bites do you think I got?

Either zero or 1,500.

Yeah, I'm going to say, well, there's going to be a number because he's able to count them.

That's why it's in John Windsor.

They love my mum and they hate me.

I'm going to say 26.

So he's either completely got away with it or had a terrible week, but he's in too good a mood.

So I'm going to say six.

Zero!

Nice!

Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.

So why is that?

Well, the rest of the bunch were getting absolutely torn to shreds.

Yeah, you're just lucky.

Luke was getting like 10 an evening on his ankles, so he ended up with about 60 bites.

Lou had them all down her legs.

Yeah, they sent to my mum.

Lucy had them.

I'm a zero guy.

I'm zero.

They just don't like my blood.

Do you eat a lot of Marmite, out of curiosity?

I do have Vegemite every morning.

Yeah, I have Marmite.

I think someone told me

that Marmite is the thing.

Its blood group is a big part of it.

But also I have nicotine in my blood constantly.

I'm not sure if I can do it.

I don't know.

It makes you very moorish, maybe.

Or it puts them off.

But I would see them fly onto my arm, sort of sniff around, and then bugger off.

Really?

That's fantastic.

It was great.

That's fantastic.

Okay, so

that is.

How is that a loss?

No, that's a win, Dave.

Oh, sugar plums.

Okay, sorry.

Down here.

Sorry, you confused me there, John.

I thought we were on the loss.

I mean, that is the

mega win.

Do you remember Mark Watson on the island?

Yes.

Oh, dear, Mark.

Oh, yeah.

Next up on the list, Dave.

I'm running out of room, John.

How long are you?

Well, why are you writing them down?

You've never done this before.

You just used to tally them.

I just thought it looked good for the carrots.

Oh, my God.

I thought it looked good for the carousels.

I got a bad tummy.

Oh, I've got food poisoning for only the third time in my life.

Oh, do you know what?

What from?

I think eggs.

I think local eggs.

Local eggs.

And the only reason I think that is because

every time I think about eating eggs, I feel sick now.

Whereas everything else I ate, I run through in my mind and I want it.

Yeah.

The problem is with the post.

I had eggs this this morning, actually.

Yeah, problem.

Just add some eggs.

Maybe that's not true.

The problem with the post-squits post-mortem is that you'll never know.

You'll never know.

You're not sending samples to a lab.

Well, the only thing I ate that no one else ate,

there was a big bowl of ceviche, which I ate, so it could have been that, but then everyone else had some of that apart from Lou.

The eggs, only me and Luke had, and Luke had minor squits, and I had a 48-hour magic.

I almost didn't get back the deposit on the higher calf.

I was within 20 seconds.

Wow.

I was so overconfident, I thought, you know, I could quite fancy going to the loo,

but I'll just pop into the supermarket to get some Diet Coke.

And as I approached the Diet Coke counter, a clock began to tick.

It was like Cymru Connection Day.

It was 60 seconds.

Dare I say it?

Yeah.

Are you maybe allergic to Puravida?

Ah, this is.

Was Connin so far out of his comfort zone

that it affected his bowels.

His planning was so extraordinary.

And not just planning for me, planning for three people who are neurologically different to me.

And that's how you said, that was how I would describe it.

And they would describe me as neurologically different to them.

Yeah, everyone is the

rich tapestry giant.

It's

really a great big melting pass lou lost a bank card before we got there wow it's a rich

and then her second bank card before we left so for the last three days she had no bank card because she'd lost both of them it's quite poor tapestry then it's for lou yeah um so are you gen then just lending her money no she's using sort of various apps

everyone on the holiday had various different apps for getting like mobile phone signal and um getting money and things turns out just cash and 4G is king, if you ask me.

Yeah, yeah.

But we're all neurologically different and that's fine.

And that's fine.

And sometimes you can take too much responsibility for other people's organization and annoy them, apparently.

There's no way.

I actually think life's a big salad bowl.

Yeah.

And it's a salad bowl where at one point someone asks you a question and you just, you're so exhausted, you say, you don't need to know that.

I've worked out what you need to know and you don't need to know that, so I'm not going to explain it again.

Like a spy.

Like a spy talking to his wife.

Some of the work today, you don't need to know.

Yeah, I've decided all the things you need to know today, and that's just the option.

Yeah, you don't need to know that.

Don't just go into it.

But trust me that I know it.

So he's good fun to hang out with, really.

I sort of admire Colin.

The thing is, and we did have great laughs about this, you want a Colin on the trip.

You need a Colin.

Colin is your backstop against catastrophe.

Yes.

What a great turn of phrase that is.

And every trip, the trips I all go on, especially the Wales games, there is a Colin.

You need a Colin.

Now, in a group of 12, Colin can kind of, he only surfaces when you're like, what time's the bus?

Where are the tickets for the ferry?

You know, have you got the code for the lockbox at the Airbnb?

Yes.

Probably in a group of four, Colin's very visible.

He's there.

He's constantly up in your grill.

He's standing at the door 10 minutes before you go.

He then starts saying we need to leave 10 minutes early because he's building in 10-minute windows for those who are neurologically different.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Colin's playing the trumpet.

Colin's in a small room in the trumpet in a small room just to make sure everyone's out on time.

And then you get there early, and everyone says, Why are we early?

And you say, Because I had to build in 10 minutes because what happened yesterday?

That's very interesting that because when you take people who are often late, but you add a Colin into the mix, mix,

suddenly you've got a trumpeter in the lift.

Yeah.

The people who are different to Colin will be early often for the first time in their lives.

And it's quite interesting to see how they react to that.

Because they're like, this is great.

Or this is a waste of my time.

Yeah, livid, livid that we're sat in the cafe seven minutes early before the coach turns up.

Yeah.

But, you know.

Life is about celebrating difference.

Yeah, leaving

and not losing things.

You'd be good on celebrity race across the world, I think.

I would have a complete collapse, Dave.

Nobody.

It's so exhausting.

Being an

issue.

I do it, Dave.

Oh, you do it.

I live it and I do it 24 hours a day, but I just can't do holidays, Dave.

It's too exhausting.

He is the most authentic

in the British media.

And that is saying something.

Oh, he wears his ass on his sleeve.

Oh, here he is.

He lits it.

24-7, 6 5

right a few more to get through despite a zero tolerance policy to uv rays i got two identical patches of sunburn where i missed my back they're mad they're identical so from the hand swipes of doing my back Do you want to see them?

Yeah.

Yeah, big time, mate.

Dave, have a look at this.

I'm just writing down identical sunburn.

Hold on.

Okay.

Identical sunburn.

Oh, it's top soft.

Oh, my God.

He's like a little angel, isn't he?

But it looks deliberate.

I know, it's mad.

Michael's looked away.

Michael can't look.

The carousel, Dave.

Do you want me to take a face?

I can do my muscles really big.

Looks deliberate.

Should I do my muscles really big, Dave?

Go on then.

Go on then.

Take a joke.

Colin double-dinnered for 11 days.

You look great.

I'll take it, Michael.

We'll review this on Monday in the cold light of the beginning of the week.

Right, now flex.

He is.

And now, and now, flex, John.

John, flex now.

We've not got all day, mate.

Give myself another hemorrhoid if we're not careful.

John has both arms up in the air like a strong man.

Oh, now I've got to crick him up.

His top is off.

Dear, John, that's insane.

Yeah, it's crazy, isn't it?

He doesn't look bad, do you know?

No, he doesn't.

Does it look, Dave?

Is it well thirsted?

Dave, do my back do my back muscles look well thirsty?

Now, before I show you, I would say at our age, none of our backs look as good as we think they look.

I've not got a great back.

But actually, yours is all right, all right?

It's good.

Yeah, you can't really see the sunburn, though, can you?

Oh, yeah.

It's just a thirsty muscle pick for the cara.

It looks like a big frozen bag of mints.

Sort of frozen in an odd shape that it's been put in the

freezer in.

Forgot to fill up the card despite having agreed to return it.

Full to save save money on the excess charge for petrol however because i bought the most expensive insurance policy they waived the 36 fee yes

dave why are you writing that in the losses

because colin i knew i had to fill it up and i just we got so close to the drop-off place i just thought i'm gonna i'm gonna take it in three quarters full yeah

so what's the win the win is that they waived the fee

Waived

the fuel fee.

I've run out of room, John.

Dave, if you want to get some likes on the carousel, wait for this final one, right?

Okay, let me get this pick.

Just to remind everyone, the carousel is a collection of pictures and images that go on the Five Live Instagram account.

Usually I'd say four to six days after the release.

Dave, call it a Cara, you pensioner.

You did call it a Carra.

I'm sorry.

I'm mad.

I coined the word Carra.

Dave, Luke and I, Luke McQueen, the most handsome man on earth.

He is handsome.

He's so handsome.

His hair is so floppy.

Luke and I went to a beach that turned out to be some of the most dangerous waves in Costa Rica.

What?

There were warnings for crocodiles and rip currents, but still I paddled.

That's sensible.

The waves got so strong, they knocked me over and pulled down my shorts and scraped my butt.

Dave, I got spanked on the bare body by the sea.

Do you want to see a picture?

You swam in shark infested water

literally so the sand the sand was like gravel yeah and the waves were nuts i've never i've never really respected the force of the sea yeah

well when you see a thing saying if you get caught in a rip just float you just sort of imagine someone serenely floating on the water the first wave on this beach because the drop-off into depth is immediate, it's like, oh, you got no chance.

You are gone.

And it threw me down, pulled down my trunks and scraped my bum along the floor.

And both me and Luke got scraped botties.

We had to apply, Alo, we had to stop at a chemist on the way back and explain that our bottoms got scraped by the sea.

And the lady said, slow down, because she didn't speak very good English.

So we had to

talk her through what happened.

Did you lose your trunks?

No, the trunks just got pulled around my ankles and then i got thrown over into like a sort of washing machine against this beach that must have looked humiliating well there was no one there because it was so dangerous because we were explorers quite mr bean isn't it it was very mr bean if he was the brave man it's quite mr it's it's brave bean but not colin no it's very uncolin there's a photo of me walking past a crocodile sign because i don't care and didn't see it um so yeah we got aloe vera lotion for our botties and then in the car park we had to put it on our balm

whilst eating custard croissant.

And I ate a big slice of hard custard because they sell it on its own.

Did you do each other's bums?

No, we did each other's backs.

Okay.

Because looks good.

Good bum, John.

Thanks, man.

It is a good bum, aren't we?

But it's like a toddler's bum.

It's like a script toddler.

It's like a bum.

Male-manly toddler.

Manly, sexy, bum, manly.

It is actually a great bum.

It is a good bum.

It is.

I've found room for spanked by the sea somehow.

Okay, so what are we doing?

What won on the holidays?

Are you going to put the bum pick on the car on the car?

You can put the bum pick on the carousel.

I'm not sure we can.

Yes, you can.

You just can't put nipples because Instagram's sexist, Dave.

Women's nipples.

Okay.

Your wins, John.

Yes.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.

This is a close call.

Okay.

Your losses.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

It's nine all.

Oh, it's nine all.

Vibe-wise, it feels like a heavy win.

Yeah, well, a few of the losses turned around.

I could have done without the bad Dicky Tummy for two days.

I could have done without the stubbed toe.

I could have done without the sunburn.

But yeah.

Did the Dicky Tummy stop you going out?

A couple of nights I stayed home.

But, you know,

it was more the...

the trips to the outdoor toilet in the dark because either you turn on the light and suddenly the room just fills with bugs because it's the only light in the jungle or you leave the light off and you're just getting stuff flying into your face that you don't know what it is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I do think it's going to make me less

scared of El Spider in the house.

Yeah.

Because these are chumps.

So are locals just used to it?

They're just fine.

Absolutely fine with it.

Snakes and Spider and Scorpions.

Scorpions are the ones you've got to be more careful.

Yes, I'm scared of scorpions.

You wouldn't have a scorpion.

I don't want a scorpion in my life.

No.

But yeah, awesome.

You know, Buckinghamshire spiders.

That's proper national league, isn't it?

You've been to Premier League.

I've been to Premier League.

I've been to the Bernabau and a huge spider's web across the top with a speeder in the middle.

Right.

Good.

Let's take a little break and do some emails.

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Okay, I've got an email that I think Colin will like actually.

Talking about shoestring stacks.

Oh, I've really got to do this.

I implied that Jonathan Wilson was tight

on his stag.

He is a listener.

He's a dedicated listener.

And he sent me a text saying, I actually paid an awful lot of money towards everyone's curry.

I might be careful of money.

I'm certainly not tight.

Please, please, could you.

Towards everyone's curry.

Yeah, there were 55 people eating a curry.

Yeah, that's all I'm doing at that point.

But the problem is, and this is where Colin comes into his own,

if you've made the decision you're not going to pay for everyone's curry, what percentage feels appropriate?

He paid a lot of money towards the curry.

What does that mean?

Curry was very cheap.

What it means is he's not a miser and he's not tight.

No, but he's also not buying everyone's curry.

No, but that would have cost thousands of pounds.

Yes.

Yeah.

But you've got in your mind, what I'm saying is the interesting calculation.

Yes.

Like I'm making a contribution towards people's curry.

It's his own stack.

That's fair.

It's 70% too much.

It's his own.

It's also his own stack.

Yeah.

So he shouldn't have paid anything.

That's a good point.

That's that's the I tried to pay for his curry, not realizing that he'd already contributed to everyone's curry.

So did he say, well, if you do want to pay towards my curry, I've already paid 70%.

So if you pay 30% and then backs me the 70%, that's what it even sounds.

No, he didn't, because he might be careful with the money in his purse.

But he's not a mind.

He's not Colin.

He's not Colin.

Sorry, Jorge.

He is Colin.

Sorry, Jorance.

No, no, he's not.

He's a lovely,

considered, careful man.

Guys, I've made a contribution to all of your curries.

I do just want to point out two of you have prawns and

that's a three pound additional surcharge.

So that's on you.

He did.

That three quid is on you.

And it would be appreciated if you could take care of the tip.

I think he put money towards a curry and then we all had to pay the difference.

I think, how it worked.

And it was a very kind gesture, bearing in mind it was his stag do.

We should have all had a whip run to pay for Jonathan's curry, but we didn't.

He said he's made a contribution towards yours.

Because he's not a miser.

He made a contribution towards mine.

Yeah.

Because he's so generous.

Yeah, the way to take people.

I feel like this is backfired because I think you wanted to clear his name and it feels like...

I'm trying.

I am trying to clear his name.

He's trying to work out the percentage that he contributed.

I'm trying to clear the man's name.

It is very generous, but I just think it's interesting because how do you set that amount?

Do you say I'll put in 200 quid?

He's sending me text about

sports.

More text about doping in sports.

Which he doesn't contribute.

I don't think you need to put a putting percentage on curry costs isn't very fun.

No, but that's essentially what he's done.

I'm just interested by the process because I've been in this.

Like, where do you draw the line?

Well, this is it.

But the line is very clear.

If you just say, I'm just going to whack in 300, there you go.

Yeah.

All percentages could be.

It was the curry host that insisted on the set menu.

Yes, of course.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And probably a deposit.

Not Jonathan.

I think he paid the deposit.

So he probably paid the deposit and the rest was split.

Yeah.

Oh, he's actually, he did say to follow.

I mean, I am tight, just not in this instance.

Very good.

I bet we were talking about shoestring stags.

Yes.

Yes.

Very unfairly.

Hello, sex willy boys.

Can we get rid of that tape?

I don't love it.

Do you know why that is?

That's John's fault because he kept talking about being full of sunshine and the heart and the willy last week.

So now everyone thinks they can say it.

Such a mad thing to say.

Not very colin.

It's not.

For my stag.

This is unbelievable.

I couldn't believe this.

For my stag, my brother and I went to a days-in motorway service station hotel near Warwick.

I love that.

At the time, they were the last hotel chain to offer smoking rooms.

We stayed up late smoking fags and watching BBC Parliament.

There was a select committee hearing where Alex Marshall, Chief Constable of Hampshire Constalbury, was explaining the pros and cons of coppers carrying mobile phones.

That sounds like bliss.

Simon.

Though I did once, when I did Jungler's Portsmouth, they put me up in a hotel.

Oh, that was a hard gig, Michael.

And the only room at the hotel was the smoking room.

Now, I smoked at the time, but this room was, I hummed.

Well, it's years of fags in the beat with nicotine.

It was hot with nicotine.

It was disgusting.

But I did smoke a few fags in there.

Well,

thank you, Simon.

It seemed to be just the two of them.

Great.

Brilliant.

What a dream.

Absolutely.

This is another

an email about painting the footwell after Ellis's lavender disaster.

To the bastions of bum content, dear Ellis John and Producer Dave.

What have we created?

Bums and wheelies.

Having listened to Ellis's traumatic saga of electric blue paint in the footwell of a VW barrel of eggs, I was reminded of a similar incident that happened to me in the early 2000s.

I'd been working in the UNESCO Lake District since around 2004 in outdoor pursuits.

A majority of my work in the early days was for a residential outdoor education provider.

The clients were mainly primary school-aged children Monday to Friday during term time.

Because of the nature of the business, there was often free time during school holidays that the business needed to keep busy with maintenance.

The nearest town was a windy 16-mile, or could be windy.

The nearest town was a windy, or windy, 16-mile round trip to collect supplies from the local hardware shop.

One spring lunchtime, it was my turn to head into town and collect the supplies for this week's site work.

I took a mini-bus, trundled into town, and bought the required bits, including two 5-litre tubs of dark oak woodstain.

Oh dear.

To this day I'm not entirely sure why I didn't stow the woodstain in the rear of the transit, a space specifically designed for stowing goods and materials.

Instead, I opted to pop them on the middle row of the rear seats.

I was about two miles away from work when I rounded a corner and out of a field gate ran a border collie.

I must have been only doing 20, but I slammed the anchors on.

Hard.

Love that turner phrase.

I'm going to be using that in my car.

What happened next was truly incredible.

Both five-litre plastic tubs of woodstain were propelled off the back seats and flew past my headrest.

The first one directly struck the inside of the windscreen and exploded on impact.

The second, a little lower, hit the central console, radio, and built-in CD player.

Oh, my gosh.

And built-in CD player, again, exploding immediately.

I had five litres of dark oak pooling at my feet in my lap on the dashboard, steering wheel and glove box.

I also had about three litres on the inside of the windscreen and steadily running down the air vents.

Oh my god.

That's worse than mine.

That's worse than that.

This should make you feel fantastic.

I leapt out and ran to the passenger side and opened the door.

Out glooped some stain onto the road, so I slammed.

Stink as well.

I slammed the door shut, ran back to the driver's side, got in, and did a big cry whilst desperately trying not to S my peas, thinking about how I'm getting sacked.

I took off my t-shirt and cleared a patch of windscreen

and crept back to work.

We had a team of five of us on clear-up duty until about 3pm the next day.

Front three seats out, seats jet-washed, interior footwell material out and jet-washed.

We removed the vents, parts of the dash that we could get through about three miles of blue-roll kitchen paper.

I owe a great deal to the guys and girls who stepped in with the clean-up.

We couldn't hide it from the boss as we had one of his fleet of vehicles in bits in the car park.

He must have done a suitably good job as I didn't get the sack.

In fact, I eventually became part of the management team.

That's a nice analysis.

That's an epic.

Yeah.

Whew!

There's nothing like a cleanup that you know is going to take hours.

Oh, nothing worse.

I hate cleaning.

Yeah.

But that must make you put a little spring in your step because that is next level.

That's next level stuff.

At least yours was contained in a lot of time.

He'd have laughed at mine.

He would.

Walk in the park.

Wow.

Also, there's so much of it to double tub.

A double tub explosion.

And they're big old tubs of stain oh man um great skyving email this hello my cheeky cherubs we're on safer ground with that yeah

bit behind on the pods but thought i'd to send in my story of skyving in the early 90s i did a summer job at a document storage warehouse in deptford basically we had to shift through hundreds of thousands of boxes of legal documentation to find out if it needed to be kept or should have been destroyed This job effectively existed due to previous skyving as they had 60,000 odd boxes that should have been shredded in the 80s.

Whilst interesting reading about corrupt coppers in the 70s, 700 quid to cover up a murder, South Australian mining deals, who Paul Yates' biological father was, and Paul McCartney's daily royalties, the dual task of working and being students or temps often meant the team was working hungover with no sleep.

Being an ex-Navy cold store, the warehouse was the perfect place to recover, never slipping above twenty degrees, not much natural light, and 11 stories of spots to hide.

But we hadn't counted on Terry the Ops manager, 40 years on sight, wise to all tricks, and with the ability to move like a Navajo, silently and not leaving any tracks.

He must have caught us four times a week trying to slack off.

Using our natural environment to defeat Terry only met with failure.

We picked an area that had creaky Victorian floorboards, a shaky spiral cast iron stairwell, and a fire door that slammed shut, however, softly you tried to close it.

Three-tier protection against Terry.

And yet he'd appear without a sound six inches behind my mate's back as we were trying to remember all 52 states as quick as possible.

Jump scare would be an understatement.

Rather than stop us, Terry's evident joy at catching slackers spurred us on.

Obviously, not to work, but to really start swinging the lead.

Part of the job was reboxing records and allocating them to fresh racking.

This gave us the ability to create what we called ghost racks.

A ghost rack was on the system's 16 freshly entered boxes with correct numbering in the correct place, but in reality, they were eight large empty document boxes.

They were connected together with packing tape and cardboard handles, which meant they could be moved as one.

And more importantly, they could be swiftly pulled in position from a lying position on the spare racking behind, creating our own little cardboard priest holes.

Through a code of silence and an agreement of no more than an hour's cap each,

we successfully stayed undiscovered for the rest of the summer.

I like to think of the team of students and temps they brought in the 2000, discovering our inside man-style hideaways and tribute to our 80s slacking forefathers.

I think the warehouse is a travel lodge now and tell you a successful, if reactionary, true crime podcast called One Sober Man Solving Crime Properly.

Love the pod.

All the best, Alex.

Nice.

An hour's sleep.

Well, yeah, if you can get away with it, when I used to be a baggage handler at Manchester Airport.

Dave Freddie Mercury was a baggage handler at Heathrow.

Was he?

Yeah.

I think I did know that, but I always do forget that.

Were you careful with people's luggage?

I wasn't bad, actually.

Okay.

I wasn't bad.

You have got to be quick.

I always feel like I do

stuff.

Did I what, say bad stuff?

No, do you see people like chucking things that fucking,

yeah, you've got to be careful.

I think you've got to be quick because they want those trailers up next to the plane quick sharp.

So you have got to be kind of, but if you slide them into position, you should be fine.

But if you slept, if you fell asleep by the side of one of the conveyor belts, like the tradition where you've got a little bit of

what's the whites, not prick sticks.

Tip X, John.

A little bit of tip X on your boots, on your...

you have fallen asleep on the job yeah yeah

no but you're you're there like 3 a.m you're waiting for the carousel to crank up so the bags aren't even coming down yet and you're just literally waiting in a big warehouse for the bags to start rolling down it's not true I once fell asleep during a scene of crims

because you're so young

because your character 18

He's growing, still growing.

So he gets tired.

He is, yeah, he should be sleeping.

It was an early morning scene and I was in bed.

And obviously, I've been up since five.

So he said, Right, get in, Alice.

Get in the bed, Alice, and then we'll sort the cameras out.

And I got in bed.

And then the next thing I knew, all of the custom crew were laughing at me.

And we're all taking selfies with me.

And I was a serious boy.

Speaking of crims,

do you want to hear something

that'll make you feel sick from around that time in our lives?

No.

Oh, yeah, no, go on, of course I do.

Well, this is an email from Alice in Wellington, New Zealand.

Night.

Who's taking us back down memory lane?

Kiora, Shamai, and good morning, my scrumptious little sock puppets.

That's good.

We can work with that.

Here's something from way back in the day.

I recently brought some socks for a trusted friend and was sickened, nay, appalled, by the wacky marketing speak on their website.

I think it's the most I've ever seen in one place.

Is it so wrong to just want a website that tells you how long shipping will take?

Here are some choice segments.

So I'm going to.

We used to feature on Whacker Jing.

Did we have a jingle for that?

We weren't as big on the jingles back then.

No, no, no, so later on.

We were quite early in the sort of Whacker Jingle.

Was there a jingle?

Michael, I love that Michael.

How does Michael know that?

Michael's a fan of the pod before Michael worked on the pod.

What?

Yeah, big time.

Whacker jingle.

Whacker jing.

Oh, yeah.

Whacker jing.

Whacker jing.

Was it that?

Wacker jing.

I think that was a point when I wasn't involved in the show.

Yeah, the glory is, wasn't it?

The golden period.

The awards season, season, we call it now.

What?

A little bit freed from the shackles of having to like James Bay.

Yeah, yeah, in between Work and Mid Dave.

The Vinterval.

The Vintival.

The Vinterval is

great.

Anyway, this is from a sock website.

Our shelves are so loaded with socks that even the sock fairies have requested a traffic control tower.

I hate that.

I hate that.

Yeah.

I hate that and it's bad.

I want to meet.

Unless it's a website for three to ten-year-olds.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's fine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But if that's for me, an adult Colin, 43 years old, who wants socks.

Yeah, yeah.

Like when my kids lose their milk teeth and they say, is the tooth fairy going to come?

I don't say, I hate this.

No, exactly.

You think that?

Next up.

This is a waste of my time.

So Ellis, imagine you're looking for shipping details of your socks.

Yeah.

You're into the FAQ.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm wearing these socks to a wedding.

Yeah.

Okay.

We We aim to ship faster than caffeinated seagulls from our Canterbury-based sock store.

What's that mean?

It means what's the time?

How long?

Yeah, yeah.

Tell me in time.

That's why time was invented.

What's metric user name?

Caffeinated seagulls.

Caffeinated seagulls.

Our info is like a treasure map, mostly spot on, but hey, sometimes you might end up elsewhere unexpected.

If you catch any oopsies

or have questions, drop us a message.

That's not great.

That's particularly bad.

I'm tempted to cancel my internet subscription so I never have to see anything like that ever again.

Also,

what that's saying to me is, you can't believe our website.

Our website is full of distruth.

Yeah.

Our product pics are like online dating photos.

Sometimes the lighting is just too good.

Actual colours may vary, but we promise the real thing is just as charming.

Are the socks red or not?

Yeah, exactly.

Prices are as marked, but we might adjust them like a dj at a party what does that mean

what does that mean i don't know well i can say that read that one again prices are as marked okay so the socks is socks are a tenor yeah but we might adjust them like a dj at a party so that it's a loud tenor it's a loud tenor or it's suddenly got a high bpm tenor yeah if you notice anything funky during checkout let us know prompto

right the problem with all of that is under under all of the cheeky fun the lack of information.

But also, it's saying they're really bad at what they do.

There's so many things in there, which is them saying, heads up, guys, this could be an absolute S show.

We don't know how much they cost.

We don't know what they're going to look like, and we don't know how long it takes to get to you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

We also don't really know the website works.

Sorry.

We're pretty sure we know what socks are.

That's about as far as we've got.

That's absolutely

outrageous.

I really hated that.

Now, we've got a lot of correct by usage emails, but I don't know if we've got time for that.

I am quite utilitarian.

Yeah.

Just tell me when and tell me how much it is.

Oh, you just want your sort of Communist Party standard sock.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

One for summer, one for winter.

And I want to know when it's going to arrive and how much I need to pay for it.

They're state subsidised.

They all look the same.

There's no colour choice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They arrive when they arrive.

I just hate.

What I don't like is businesses offering a poor service and then pretending there's like a sort of wacky choice no you're like what what's going on here you want the business who's making socks to take the business of making socks seriously they've gotta they've gotta be respecting the process also when you're your relationship ones my relationship with a business purely transactional that's what it is that's what business is is transactions so i don't want them to suggest i have anything more than a transactional relationship i'm not a sock company's friend.

No.

You're their customer.

Yeah.

Or their nemesis.

Okay.

Oh.

Ooh, what, Dave?

Can I just wish someone happy birthday?

Yeah.

Big Andy Masterman is 70 today.

Today.

A.M.

70.

A.M.

is 70.

Oh, happy birthday.

What have you bought him, Dave?

He'll have loved that story about the T oak stain.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, he apps.

He loves a tea coil.

He teachils everything.

He can't move.

What are you getting him, Dave?

Well, he might listen.

Will Will he listen today?

No, he's out on the lash.

No, he'll be.

Oh, lashing at 70.

Oh, do you know what?

They've landed on their feet today.

They've got a lovely restaurant that they love in Poynton near us.

So they're going to go there.

They went to do a recce a couple of weeks ago because you've got to wreck in the restaurant, of course.

Yeah, yeah.

Choose your favourite wine.

Do you remember in Mad Dad's?

That guy who drove for like two hours to check his wife.

So you went there.

The restaurant said, Look, we're closing down.

Not through anything bad, we're just the guy's selling up.

So it's not a sad story, but all the food and all the wines at discounted price today.

So he's having a cracking 17.

He's made a saving on incentives.

Yeah, so I'm going to get him a

train.

He's going on a long train trip to Edinburgh.

Oh, he'll love it.

Because he loves a train.

On a steam train.

Yes.

Oh, that's good day.

And I think he's going for because we're kind of all chipping in because it's.

Has he been to Edinburgh before?

Yeah, he must have been because he lived up in Scotland.

Is he going to go to pubs in Edinburgh?

Yeah.

Can I tell him what pubs to go to?

In Edinburgh, please.

I think it's quite a quick turnaround and then they're back again.

I don't think they're staying over.

So is the journey about the steam train rather than going to Edinburgh?

Journey, not the destination.

Is he able to go to one pub in Edinburgh?

I'll ask him.

And if he is, let me know which one.

Oh, Doctor or Thompson's bar.

Yeah, okay.

Or maybe the Oxford bar.

Okay, I'll let him know.

Or maybe the Blue Blazer.

Okay, he hasn't got that much time.

Or maybe...

Oh, the Waverly.

Okay.

If he's near the train station.

He's at the Waverly, Dave.

He can go to the Waverly, Dave.

The Waverly, Dave.

Okay.

So happy birthday, Andy.

Happy birthday, Andy Masterman.

Living his best life.

I hope I look like good when I'm 70.

I hope I.

I hope I look like Andy.

It'd be quite weird.

It'd be great.

He's got good genes.

He's definitely just kind of kept cracking on and just got better as he's got older.

That man.

Fantastic.

The energy of the man at 70, by the way.

Oh, extraordinary.

He's like a labrador.

He's like a puppy labrador.

How do they do it?

How do they do it?

Do they do it?

Because I've never done that.

Even when I was eight, I didn't have that much energy.

Yeah.

Fair play to involve.

That's great.

Well, happy birthday.

Pemboith, happy, Sunday.

Pemboith happy, Sandy.

So that's it for today.

We'll be back with you on Tuesday with another big episode.

Of course, don't miss out on the Bird de Chongs of the Mind, available only on BBC Sands, and that's out tomorrow morning.

Goodbye.

Bye-bye.

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