#444 - Tim Key, He Needs A Cup Run and Bit Early For A Pint So I Have An Easter Egg

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What's that coming over there?

Is it John Robins?

Is it John Robins?

That's right.

We always record on a Friday.

We're getting you ready for the weekend here on Ellison John.

Yesterday, as I was hanging out some washing, I chatted to Rachel next door and I said, listen, Rach, we've mastered talk radio on a news and sports station, despite not talking about news and sport that much.

John has mastered heart-hitting interviews with How'd You Come, and I'm on the Mount Rushmobile liked Hearted Sports podcasters.

So what's left?

And Rachel said, Can you not be a bit more radio one?

Which is easy for us because what do we love?

Pop, pop, pop, music, pop, pop, pop, music.

The biggest tunes of the last 50 years perfectly fit the ethos of Alice and John.

Oh my God, I can't believe it.

They're only going to play another made-up game.

We've been on air for 11 years and there's nothing we can't adapt to a top pop hit.

Rachel said, Could you do something with Kissy Faze, Kissy Faze, answer your phone?

But I said,

I doubt it.

Most of our listeners are in their 40s.

So, come Re, I want you to connect with me.

Don't worry, we'll have a Cumory connection later on in the show.

A caller, call a caller, call a call a comedian.

It was a very special guest, and more of the chemistry you know and love as we're getting you ready for Saturday and Sunday.

Saturday and Sunday.

Saturday, because it's the weekend.

Riddle me this, Dave.

Yeah.

Can we clear those?

What with Ellis singing them?

What, because they're copyrighted?

I think they were far enough away from me.

We weren't allowed to use that for the Call a Comedian jingle, Dave.

No, I think if we were to produce that up and have it sung properly, we'd be in problematic waters.

I think it's editorially justified.

It's a rule for one and one rule for another, Dave.

No, it's fair dealing.

It's editorially justified.

Yeah.

There's no...

Why can't I just sung that every time we do Call a Comedian then?

Because I think that there is a throwaway, and let's face it.

Now we enter the world of vague guesswork.

Are you going to describe my intro as well?

It wasn't that faithful, was it?

To the originals?

I think you could have shazammed me.

Were you going to describe my intro as throwaway?

It is a little bit, yeah, but that's fine.

I wrote it 20 minutes ago.

Yes, you're writing it as the intro music was playing.

Yes, I was editing.

Well, we've got a guest coming up, Dave, so we can perhaps practice our new jingle for that guest and see if the guidance changes in this fickle world of rules and sub-clauses, which I hate so much.

And you love rules.

But you like to say that

marketing.

You like certain rules that make sense.

That don't adversely affect your life or lifestyle.

So, how are you, Ellis, of course?

I'm actually very positive.

Right.

What's happened?

Very little.

We're heading towards December.

And so that always puts a spring in my step, if I'm honest.

I thought I'd lost my cat and haven't.

So

that's put me in a very, very good mood.

Nothing better than a cat that returns.

Yeah, I shook the dreamies at the bottom of the garden.

And hey, Presto, he arrived.

7.30am in my pants.

But I was for five minutes concerned.

Yeah, the prodigal cat.

Yeah, yeah.

And the other cat's going, why are you giving him all the praise and the cuddles?

Yes.

And you're like, because he returned.

And they both got their dreamies in the end.

So both cats happy.

Yes.

Cleo and Uncle Todd.

Dave, how are you doing?

Cat-based as well.

Is it really?

That's okay.

I like cat content.

We, I say we.

Hannah wasn't around.

She was partying in Ibiza.

I lost Colo.

I locked Colo in the bedroom for three days without realising.

Oh,

she's not ideal.

No.

Two days.

She whizzed, Steve.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But at first, I didn't think there was any poops.

And I thought we were all right.

And then it was Lila.

Was like, have you been in that room recently, dad?

It absolutely reeks.

So I had a proper investigation in the corner.

There was a lot of poops.

Oh, poor little Cola.

On a carpet.

On a dust sheet.

That was sick.

Because we're decorating the room.

Oh, well, then

so was he.

I'd have been the same same if you'd locked me in that room for two days.

I often imagine this when I'm in the lift.

Yeah.

I think to myself, how long would I have to be in the lift for before I.

I don't think many people are in lifts longer than 12 hours.

No, and I could hold it in for 12 hours.

I reckon.

I'll piss it.

But he tried to rip.

What did you say there?

Sorry, a wee would be hard.

A wee would be hard.

But then he tried to escape and ripped the carpet up from the corner.

So then when I tried to open the door, you can't open the door.

So now the carpet has come back, I'd say, a good two and a half meters from the corner of the room.

Really?

So he pulled it back two and a half meters.

I believe when I pushed the door open, he just kept rolling back.

Hannah went to Ibiza for 40 years, and your life fell apart.

Yes, absolutely.

Did you give him lots of cuddles afterwards?

Because he would have been traumatised by that.

Were you not worried about him?

I was away as well.

What?

Who was there?

Well, we had someone popping around to feed him.

They just thought he was.

What about your kids?

What?

Who was looking after your kids, Dave?

They were in faloraki my mum and dad mum and dad were looking after the kids there was somebody who popped around to feed the cats i went and dj'd at a festival it was a great it was a fun weekend for everyone apart from colo i'd say

he's all right he's all right

now then now then there is

hmm what is it

an atmosphere

there is

a weight to the air.

There is a humidity.

Yes.

And that humidity.

A presence.

A presence.

And that humidity is raw talent.

And I've specifically requested the dehumidifiers not be turned on because I do not want this talent being removed from the air.

We want it to circulate.

We want it to circulate.

We don't want it to be captured in a tank and emptied down the sink, do we, Dave?

No, no, no.

Because it's time for...

Call a caller caller caller call a comedian.

Yeah, are we doing that, though?

Yes.

Okay, good.

To prove a point.

Good.

I thought we'd.

He comes and goes.

I think this is the point when you've got to stop.

Ellis was throwaway.

We've been through this.

Caller, caller, caller, call a comedian.

His name is Tim.

His name is.

Come on, Tim.

Come on, Tim.

Get involved.

Come on, Tim.

Come on, Don.

Call a caller, call a comedian.

That's not all doing it.

My name is Tim.

He name is Tim.

Tim.

It's Tim Key.

It's Tim Key.

Well, you know.

Thanks for having me.

Here I come.

Tim, you are always welcome.

Ah!

Here at Team Ellison John and Stillwater.

And Stillwater's run deep.

Yeah.

You have a special place in the hearts and minds of our long listening fans, Retro Oneers.

Oh, I remember this.

Because of several appearances you've made on our show across the years.

It is very hard for me that when it's my iconic role.

Yeah.

That when people on various uh forums discuss the greatest ellis and john episodes ever in the top three i'm often not involved in the top three am i in there yes

yes that's the point i'm trying to make if if our listeners were the country in 2016 you split split them like brexit

i 52'd them you 52'd it was 52 48

because like the you i do provide a historic role yes but we've obviously got security agreements with Ellis.

Yes, but Tim obviously is an agitator.

And

we've solved a couple of problems of yours over the years.

We certainly, we most certainly have.

We most certainly have.

Including not limited to chipped reindeer skull.

Oh, wow.

This is a trip down memory lane.

Yes, it is.

And printer.

There was a printer.

What was the issue with the printer?

And something to do with a cat as well coming in through a window.

Oh, I know.

I think it was bought cat flap.

Didn't have cat.

Yes.

But Tim,

you've been very visible recently, Timothy dear.

Yes, I've poked my head above the old parapet.

Yeah, and uh, do you want to tell us why?

Made a film, ah, yeah,

straight, straight out of the gate.

Which is fantastic.

The ballad of Wallace Island.

It's called The Ballad of Wallace Island.

I went to the screaming.

And

Tim.

Yes.

Izzy told me last night that Richard Curtis said it's one of the greatest British films ever made.

I can hardly deny it.

I would say more significant impact at all on myself is that as I left, I said to Izzy, I will never write a film because it would be rubbish.

So you stymy in creativity.

How does that make you feel?

Well, Miranda Hart came and she said, that's very freeing.

I'd like to make something again.

So it swings and roundabouts.

Ah.

Okay.

So it's turned off.

Lord James and one the heart.

Yeah,

we've turned you off and Miranda back on.

Now, Tim, you'll notice I have remained Pontius Robbins.

You've remained tight-eld.

The tightest I've seen them for a while.

Now, why are those L's so tight, one might ask?

One might ask.

Is it because A.

Okay, here we go.

I've got a multiple choice in my press opportunity.

Okay.

My press opportunity.

Just to say, so far, I'm very much enjoying my press opportunity.

Carry on.

A.

Robins so moved, left speechless.

Oh, yeah.

And there were speechless people in the cinema, the Ryu and Donston.

There were speechless people.

Daniel.

B.

Daniel was speechless.

Robbins so

disgusted

doesn't want to criticise Friend on Air.

Oh, that's a good one.

I'd bite your hand off a B at this point.

Or is it C,

Robbins only comedian in English-speaking world not invited to

C.

It's C.

Yeah, big C.

Yes, saw a lot of Insta stories, actually, Tim.

Yeah, a lot of the great and good.

Ah, the great and the good.

A lot of the A list, a lot of the B list, a couple of the C list, none of the Johnny JR list.

The list didn't go quite that far down.

Okay, which one hurt the most?

Well, yes, which one hurt the most?

There were a couple on there who hadn't even done Taskmaster.

That hurt.

Hello?

Alex.

But I have.

I'll tell you what, one of these days you need to marry Izzy Sutty and get yourself on some of these lists.

Yeah.

Be the plus one.

Yeah, you've got to be the plus one.

You've got to be on the night the driver.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Of everyone.

It was shuttling people back and forth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gets and got a lift.

What this has allowed me, Tim, is access to unfiltered reviews.

Wow, okay, this is good.

All I have heard about.

Will Briggs was there.

Yeah.

Yeah, I said

it's extraordinary.

I'd love to tell me when you've booked me to play a large venue in Bristol.

You have to keep these people sweet.

Yeah.

Briggs is a promoter.

I've got enough for 10 people.

I have no professional interest in inviting you to that thing.

I mean, it would have made this bit a bit easier.

However, Will did tell me that the foyer afterwards

was so busy, I would have been quite panicky.

I think you'd have managed the foyer.

Do you reckon I'd have managed the foyer?

Yeah, you'd have been, you know, high on the movie.

You'd have loved this movie.

It would have been nice.

It would have been nice to have been invited to the foyer, Tim.

You had an out there, Tim.

You just needed to say, do you know what?

I thought about you, and I thought the foyer would be too busy for John Robbins.

Therefore,

a bit busy for me.

I'm a bit busy for Ellis.

I didn't think about John.

I'm thinking about John a lot at the moment.

Yeah.

Tim.

What's the blooming film about?

Okay, the film is about eccentric millionaire

decides to bring his favourite folk duo to come and play a private gig just for him on an island.

Ah, there's a catch we're hearing.

Famous folk duo not together.

Ah.

Okay, not a problem.

Famous folk duo used to be a relationship.

Ah.

Right you are.

Do you know what I'm sensing?

You're sensing Q orcs for an hour and a half.

I'm sensing peril.

There's some pears.

I'm sensing a journey.

Yes, there is a journey here.

I'm sensing chemistry.

There's some chem.

And I'm sensing classic odd one out.

A sprinkling of O-O-O.

A sprinkling of O-cubed, yes.

I play an oddball.

You play an oddball.

And why is that?

Don't know.

We sort of, we cast around.

And then in the end we decided I got my Osman on.

You look around you think, hang on, I'm the best person to do this.

Did it in the read-through, kept the part.

John.

Yes.

The poignancy.

Yeah.

It's there's poignance in this.

Is there heft?

It's emotional heft.

It's classic Robin's emotional heft.

Isn't he eyesome Tim?

Wasn't asked to read through for the part.

Maybe the sequel.

The Ballad of Wallace Island 2.

That would be what it would be.

From Wallace Island, No One Can Hear You Scream.

Oh, I love that.

Yeah.

Escape from Wallace Island.

Yes.

Oh.

What's the Jaws one?

Jaws 2.

Well, oh, just when he thought it was safe to get back in the water.

Yeah.

Yes.

So, Tim.

It sounds fantastic from what I've heard.

I'm going to watch it at the earliest possible opportunity.

You had a week.

You got sent a link, John.

I don't watch things from links.

I'm waiting to be invited to the third.

I don't want to sort of open this up further than it needs to be.

But the plan was to invite you to a screening two nights ago.

But did you get that invite?

Did you?

Possibly.

Oh, okay.

There were screening invites, but to be fair to John, he's very, very busy.

He's very busy at the moment.

He's very busy.

The conversation has turned round perfectly for me.

Yeah, it's done at 180.

It's a diary clash situation

that I couldn't have dreamt of 10 minutes ago.

Tim, is there an element of the second screening being for people who forgot and got grumpy?

Yeah, it was sort of Tom Daly, Claire Balder.

Everyone Furious watched it in pin drop silence.

We went to the casting crew one.

Yeah, that was the thing.

So I was a more.

Yeah, it was a casting crew.

But I was more lead back of it because I've seen screenings since then where there have been some genuine big hitters.

Yeah.

And Tim, because there was a Q ⁇ A afterwards, ably hosted by Five Live Owns Rick Edwards.

Oh, I have to say more than ably.

More than ably.

Capably hosted by Rick Edwards.

This was based on a short that was made about 17 years ago.

I just got sent a photo that came up on our director's phone.

which said, you know, that sort of on this day.

Yeah, yeah.

And it was a photo of me that he took for the short film.

So that's the first thing we did for the short film.

And it was 19 years ago today.

Good, great.

Whoa.

19 years ago he gets the camera out for the first time.

19 years later, released in UK cinemas.

Is it worth it?

Yeah.

Good.

It was a great journey.

But it wasn't 19 years constant work on this project, was it?

Most certainly not.

No.

You wrote it in Lochton.

Yeah, the feature.

So we made the short.

We loved making the short.

Me and...

The great Tom Basdin, to be fair to the guy.

The TBGBs?

Oh, the TBGBs and I.

We had great fun making making this short.

And then with James Griffith, the director, and then we just kept on looking back nostalgically at this short, which is weird because that is sort of what's happening in the feature film: there's a lot of people stuck and looking back and thinking you've actually got to move forward.

But we didn't.

We went back to tell the story of why you shouldn't go back.

That's what we've done.

Yeah, and so about 16 years later, we started to write the feature again.

We had an idea of how the story could, you know, expand and add another character.

And then, yeah, wrote it in lockdown another three years of waiting and then shot it has this been a more fulfilling experience plug-wise than lovely hogs trusty hogs than trusty hogs

was that was that deliberate no that's horrible that's the side of you i don't like to see

getting people's podcast names wrong and audio always podcast wrong

that was horrible i watched the whole episode on youtube it was absolutely fantastic um i think we got onto the subject of the film about 55 minutes in and Sam Campbell called it Wallace and Grommet Island.

So this has been, if anything,

a very, very good stab at promotional.

Well, Tim, you've got to sing for your supper.

Here I come.

Because you have very graciously.

Yes.

Have I decided or agreed?

Agreed.

Decided was huge.

I've decided to agree.

I've decided to agree.

That's all I do, day to day.

Decided to agree.

Decided to agree to host a made-up game.

I have decided to agree to host a made-up game.

Reluctantly.

And then there should be a jingle coming.

Well, there is a jingle coming, of course, Tim.

You're never far from a jingle with these podcasts.

It's a magazine format.

Made-up games.

Yes, there is a jingle.

And Tim, don't worry, you don't have to do too much for this game.

And it's very much in your wheelhouse.

But we have a new jingle.

Of course, because we have listeners writing in and sending in their jingles every week, Tim.

Made-up game, you know.

Darn it.

So, hello, my beautiful.

I decided to know.

Here is my contribution to the Made Up Games Jingle Library.

Inspired by the success of the Cymru Connection song and John's recent mentions of choral music, I present a reworked version of Charles Wood's Hail Gladdening Light, produced by yours truly.

It's been out of copyright since 96, so we're all good.

We're safe.

That's safe.

Here is Mike's Made Up Games Jingle.

Play a Made Up Games.

This is clear

under

his champ

made up by you.

Oh, wowsers.

Wowzers in your trousers.

What do you think, Tim?

Well, I think it's good as part of a balanced sort of, you know,

a world of different types of music.

If that was the only thing, I think it might have been a bit tough in those days.

Yes.

But nice to hear it once in a while, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you know whose street that would absolutely be bang-up their street?

Ellie Oldroyd.

Oh, is she fun?

Is she fun of colour music?

She's big in the choral scene.

I did not know that.

Yes.

She did,

she commentated on

choral elements of the king's coronation, I think.

Did she?

And maybe, and maybe stuff like Carols from Kings.

I did not know that.

And she bought me what in Paris?

A

swordfish.

Carry on.

Ah!

As in a slice of it cooked.

Slice of it cooked.

It does make it sound like she gave me some swordfish in a bag.

But no.

We went for lunch.

That's lovely.

And Ellie Aldridge.

Ellie Aldroyd.

Aldroyd.

Aldroyd bought me.

swordfish.

She's lovely.

I would agree with that completely.

Would you put her in a basket of good eggs?

Okay, there's my eggs.

They're all good.

Hang on.

What is this one?

Ah, it's Ellie Oldroyd.

Yes.

Grayson.

Who else is in your basket of good eggs?

Ah, going back to my eggs now.

Rummaging around.

This is your podcast.

It's Mike Wozniak.

Why wasn't the eggs?

Very good eggs.

And one more rummage?

Yes, please.

Boris Johnson.

Why not?

Because we're balanced.

We're balanced.

So he's both the good and a bad and a medium egg.

He sinks, he floats, he stays in the middle.

And And he's in the middle.

Sorry, it's Martin Johnson.

Karen Ash.

What the rickbig player is.

Yeah, big egg.

Obviously, the biggest.

Good eggs.

Right.

Dave, what's the made-up game?

Well, scores on the doors, of course, which is the most important thing of all this,

is we're in the first game of the second set, and it's 40-15 to John.

Oh,

that's like 3-1.

It's the first game of the second set in its 40s.

So we use tennis scoring.

I love that.

The first set took, what, 54 weeks?

54 weeks.

So

we're getting going again with the surprise.

It's not funny, Ellis.

That's a bad format, Ellis.

Take a prize in your podcast.

Dirty pigs wouldn't do this.

Does Tim know what we're playing, Dave?

Is it a surprise to him?

Tim, do you know what we're playing?

No, not precisely.

No.

That's fine.

Are you ready?

Okay, this week we have Tim Key in with us.

We've got a made-up game that leads into your that leans into your sensibilities Tim.

It's a game we're calling come and have a go if you think you're barred enough.

Oh, okay.

And we want to see all is forgiven.

Fantastic podcast.

Great to be invited on.

We want to see if Ellis and John can channel their inner key.

John Robbins.

So we've got three themes here.

And

we gave you two the three themes a little bit earlier on because it had a bit unfair just to spring this on you.

So we've given you a little bit of a chance to

pen anything on me.

To pen a verse or two.

So, we gave you three themes.

Both of you have had to write down your most poetic verse possible using said themes, all right?

So, there are three themes, which means there's three rounds in total.

Here's how the marking works.

The crucial thing is, Dave, they're in the style of Tim Key.

Yes, and they're in the style of Tim Key.

Tim is one of the great poets.

Absolutely.

So, we are trying our best, and it's very difficult because he's one of the great poets to ape his style.

Yes, exactly.

And Tim is going to read them out anonymously, isn't it?

Don't just let me finish the rules, John.

Yeah,

Do you find it hard with John, people like John?

At times.

At times.

With no knowledge of who has written which poem, Tim will judge which verse he thinks is best slash funniest slash most creative for you.

I'm most like him.

Yes, if you feel like that should be.

Out of curiosity.

No, not out of curiosity.

Tim, just word to the wise.

Some of us might have found it quite difficult to do be kind to both poems.

Oh, I will be throughout.

And I think the point goes to the one that you would most likely put in your set.

Nice.

And am I reading them, so to say, blind?

I think you can have a look over to get the scansion.

But I mean, I'm not reading them knowing who's written exactly.

Do be kind to both.

Yeah.

But also be vicious to one.

I will not be vicious to anyone.

Both.

But you might regret that.

I know, no, but I like criticism.

No, you don't.

Nice.

But I don't like criticising.

I don't think I'd feel comfortable really laying into you.

So if I am doing that, it's because it's genuinely appalling.

okay so theme number one which we presented to ellison john a little bit earlier on is lust oh god keep talking

so here's two sets of uh little little playing cards here for you tim in keeping with your style so there's three that obviously one's longer than the other here one of the poems might have been massive that's a longer but we don't know who's we don't know who's

doing so i'm gonna read the first one okay here we go so here is the anonymous uh poem in the style of tim key with the theme of lust lust Ronald and Linda couldn't keep their hands off each other.

The therapist had got it bang on, to be fair.

Intimate massage was the key to it all.

But inner pret of all places.

No one saw that coming.

Linda grabbed a mango and banana sunshine bowl and smothered it all over Ronald's meaty thighs.

Let them film, she thought.

As another iced latte hit the deck.

Wow.

That's a brilliant poem.

I would be delighted to read that one out.

Okay, well, we've got a lot of fun.

That's one of Will Briggs's garden comedy sessions.

Poem number two for lust.

Here we go.

Lust.

Puffed my cheeks out in the mirror.

Hair gel a good call.

I wondered what she'd be wearing.

Double-check the menu at Zizzy online.

Whew,

what a selection.

I muttered, eyes wide.

Definitely the right call.

Should probably get there early.

Quick Barata Caprosie to line the stomach.

Kind of meantime to settle the nerves.

No, daft, I'd have Estella on the bus.

Doesn't look as keen.

In she traips, 7.59pm, fair play.

An absolute enchantress.

Wouldn't have minded plats like at primary, but she explained she worked in mergers and acquisitions now, and it wasn't their done thing.

I pointed at the starters and said, look, they've called the olives cheeky olives.

But she didn't crack a smile.

Too busy looking at the antipasty, which I told her I didn't mean not pasta.

Starters were fine.

Mains felt a bit stoke away.

Couldn't get the laughs I'd expected.

Offered a thumb wall.

But she said about the mergers and acquisitions again.

Kept staring at where her plaits should be.

It still looked like her though.

More wrinkles than at primary, obviously, but she is 48.

What a mouth.

I thought as she vaped.

Absolute bloody enchantress.

I went a bit quiet before they asked about puddings, but I was wondering whether I should bring up care bears.

Both of us too full for puddings, so we went home.

Her and Addie Lee, me, the 476.

Should have had that meantime.

Absolute bloody enchantress.

Wow.

Okay.

Okay.

Talk us through them both before.

Okay,

I will.

Absolutely.

Yep, okay.

Absolutely.

Two brilliant poems.

Let's start with the longer one.

A lot of fantastic ideas.

A great.

I think all you're looking for in a poem is a nice turn of phrase.

Someone who you can sort of fall in love with the writing, and that does have that the care bears, the stellar.

Brilliant poem.

The other one, um, shorter, more in my wheelhouse, I think.

Can imagine reading that out.

The delicious details of Prett, the obsession with Prett, which comes through in my work as well,

and then the neat ending, and almost a joke in the last line that you would

be able to classify that as a joke, let them film.

You know, suddenly

a whole painting before you, looking at what's happening there.

Succinct, brilliant.

The first round goes to that poem, Ronald and Linda.

Well done, John.

The first is John Robbins.

John Robbins.

Brilliant poem, that.

John,

I should say, slightly unfair, really.

John has a background in poetry.

You don't.

He wrote a poem.

You must use that.

It's a license to print money.

This is heck.

He wrote a poem about Lord of the Rings.

Yes, guilty.

At an Oxford University poetry class.

And it's one of the biggest regrets of my life.

Because you didn't think it was bad.

Yes, I did read that out.

But I think you missed the...

Missed the...

Missed the brief.

Missed the brief.

And the ability to write poems.

Auntie's poems.

I wouldn't say Ellis hit the brief head-on in that last poem.

No, it was long.

It was long.

I just really got into it.

I really liked it.

Do you know what?

I would like,

ironically, to know more from that.

Because it's a bit longer.

I would like a short story about that person.

I think an audience might have lost the thread.

Or felt very lustful.

Or felt very lustful.

I really liked, I think the best line of the two of them was the Stoke Away line.

Stoke away.

Which was a giveaway that it was yours, I think, as well.

Yeah, that was it.

But I think it was Turner Fris.

Really great.

Really?

I'm very impressed with both of those.

I'm really impressed with both.

John had a lot of poems which he kept in his bag of death, which he has since disposed of.

So he does have a background in poetry.

Over 500 bad poems.

500?

That's nothing.

Should we move to round two?

Yes, please.

The theme was trains.

Okay.

So

slightly easier.

Mundane, really, can be.

Yes, but a lot to go.

I'll write a lot about trains.

So a bit closer in length with the two, then one's still a little longer.

So pick one to...

They're both anonymous.

Tim doesn't know who's written either.

Let's start with the longer one this time.

Okay.

Here we go.

Trains.

WH Smiths for a paper.

Upper crust for a baguette.

Quick looking boots at the miniatures.

Little shower gels, shampoos, suncream and the like.

So far so good.

Here we go then.

A table.

A table.

It's a charmed old life this.

I felt like Steve Redgrave.

A bit nervous though.

A bit Sydney 2000.

A bit bitten off more than I can chew.

I wonder if I can get as far as Biggleswade.

That would do.

Changed tack at Biggleswade.

The guard walked around, zapping people's tickets on their phones, scribbling on the paper ones, nodding at the ones who'd printed theirs out.

Dweebs always get a nod.

He looked at the double bass I had on the seat next to me, and the bass drum on the seat opposite.

Then he nodded at the pregnant lady in the vestibule and asked if I was taking the piss.

I offered to buy a half-fair ticket for the double bass, but he said that wasn't the point.

I said, of course, mate.

I can be a right nana sometimes.

Tried to chuck a bit of levity into the situation.

But the atmosphere had gone.

In she waddled, and I had to sit on a bass drum all the way to Peterborough.

Not ideal.

Poem number two of trains.

I nodded at Ellis at the end of that one.

No, well, we don't know at this stage.

We don't know at this stage.

It had the hallmarks, though.

Well, you're seeing two poetic voices here, aren't you?

I'm seeing two poetic voices emerge.

Yes, you're absolutely right.

It's nice to have a style, have a voice, I suppose.

It's a great moment.

God, I'm a poet now.

Oh, you really are, God.

Trains.

A first-class upgrade for 20 quid.

And the Times crossword, all to himself.

This was the life, thought Brian, as the train pulled out of Didcot.

It was a shame about the trousers, of course.

But it had been too late to go back for them.

He shifted his boxes and signalled the attendant for another can of Stella as she whispered into some kind of walkie-talkie device.

Wow.

Yes.

A nod to John there at the end.

Or Ellis.

Or Ellis.

Or Ellis.

I'll nod at anyone.

Who cares?

Again, two brilliant poems.

Yeah, talk us through them.

What were the flourishes?

What were the bits that you liked?

Well, it's, you know,

they're both out of my handbook, really.

You know, trains, crosswords, you know, guzzling Stella, who cares?

Again, this one, the first-class upgrade the reveal the no trousers and then the sort of quite subtly just suggesting that things are sort of you know whirring into life authorities wise

and then the other one I mean of course

how crisply can we all picture the the Welshman wandering around the concourse scrounging about for his little gels.

More Englishman.

More Englishmen.

The repetition of Biggleswade.

I don't think anyone minded that.

Steve Redgrave, I think we'd have preferred to hear Sir Steve Redgrave.

Marks off.

And then, well, there's, I mean, the final three words,

they hit you quite hard, don't they?

Peterborough, not ideal.

Okay.

I think on this occasion, I've been charmed by the roaming around the concourse and will give my tennis point to Trains, the WH Smiths for a paper version.

Great.

Well, that's Ellis James, of course.

Which takes us to the final round at one or.

Will you put the winners into your set?

100%,

if not more.

If not more.

I shall play them at St.

Albans in the Comedy Garden.

Oh, that would be nice.

If booked!

Right.

Not currently on the poster.

Round three,

Third and final round, Tim.

The theme is lunch.

Again, a lot to go off.

You've got two poems again.

Probably of similar length to the last two, so there's a bit of a difference, but all good.

Take your pick and off you pop.

I'll get Ellis's out of the way.

You've seen Tim's poems, though, that they all fit on one playing card.

Yeah, but I'm stretching my legs.

You got into it.

I really got into it.

Also, they felt shorter on a computer.

Yeah, I know what I mean.

Yeah, computers are massive, aren't they?

Yeah.

I've had a good old read of Tim's poems yesterday.

I was trying to get into the vine.

I think you really have, I think both of them are.

But they did, uh, it they did seem shorter on the computer.

I'll tell you what, yours are: prose poems, which is a skill in itself.

Thank you.

I'm a poet.

You're right, Tim.

Yeah, I was just thinking I might leave.

I might go now.

Lunch by Ellis James.

Thumb hovered over the delivery app.

Not sure.

Felt a bit gluttonous after a just eat breakfast, but I thought, you're only 46 once.

Apple reminded me I'd had 9 hours, 1 minute of screen time yesterday.

Oh well, I thought, how else am I meant to order a Wagga's?

Smoke signal?

Yes, chalk off a couple of mins at least.

I've got to eat.

Quick look at Facebook memories as I wait for the guy.

Didn't go priority delivery, so I have a tin of sardines and watch Kirstie and Phil on Love It List It.

Quick banana as I check what's new on Vimeo.

12, 11.

Bit early for a pint, so I have an Easter egg.

Oh, an approving night.

John's, John's, John's.

Concerned.

An approving nod there from Tim.

A very approving nod.

So much already about the rhythms of this one.

Interesting.

You can see what's happening, and I like a lot.

A man's got to bloody eat, I think, as I stare at the front door.

The app is still doing the flipping a saucepan thing, so I watch LeBron jumping over a high jump bar like it's a hurdle on YouTube shorts and get out of plate.

Dan from next door comes around to give me back my copy of The Matrix Reloaded.

Eating a protein pot from Prett, and I have to admit, I think fair play, mate.

Off he pops before the Deliveroo guy arrives, so there is that.

I have one of her rice cakes with peanut butter and start to feel a bit full.

Doorbell goes, so I put on a dressing gown and walked to the door.

Oh well, I think.

A man's got to eat.

No, I'm not saying it's me,

but possibly that's a first draft by mistake, maybe.

I like the idea.

I've never heard a reference point of checking what's new on Vimeo.

I just got an email asking me to do it yesterday and it made me laugh.

I've never had that email before.

Not that it's me, could be someone else, but that is a first draft which I've sent by mistake, but it's fine.

But one thing I would say is in the second draft did you still have bit early for a pint so i have an easter egg yes and in the second draft very good i realize i haven't tipped the driver and i give him a bit of my easter egg but that's good that's nice so that was the ending of the second draft that's that might have quenched it me bit early for a pint so i have an easter egg very clippable that but

that that line could go viral oh i'm annoyed

A bit early for a pint, so I have an Easter egg.

That's brilliant.

That's the best line of all of the five poems to date.

Wow, that's huge.

That's high praise.

And so we come to the final poem.

Imagine the delivery driver being given a bit of Easter egg because he hasn't been tipped.

He can't.

It wasn't in the draft,

no, it wasn't in the draft, Alice.

There's all sorts of things I'd like to imagine about that poem.

I'd like to imagine a page one rewrite.

Okay,

Okay, here we go.

This poem is called Lunch.

She can stuff her blueberries where the sun don't shine,

said Bernard, as he lowered another sausage into the nitri bullet.

It's very strong.

That's a good step.

That's a good

from John.

Or me.

Or a fox.

Who said smoothies can't be savoury?

You know what, if I get a good wave of laughter there at the Bristol Comedy Gardens, I throw the poem down and that's done.

I sometimes do that.

Do you?

Yeah, really?

Yeah, like that's the end of the poem.

Wow, that's interesting.

And that's you've already had two lines which are kind of throw the poem down lines.

Okay, that's massive.

The fried egg flop day and easy as you like.

I'll pick it back up for that.

I paid for the bloody thing.

He cackled as he switched the blighter on, and the plum tomatoes began their merry dance.

It feels significant to me that it's a very good poem.

Yeah.

He does have a background in poetry, or does he?

And the plum tomatoes began their merry dance.

What are we thinking, Tim?

Bit early for a pint, so I have an Easter egg.

As the Plum Tomatoes began their merry dance.

Very visual, isn't he, John?

Oh, he is, for sure.

That line was the most rewritten of all of them, to get the wording right.

Well, you've got it right.

As the plum tomatoes began their merry dance.

What's that James Joyce line?

Where someone asked him him how the writing was going?

These poems have got nothing to do with James Joyce.

He said, I wrote a sentence today.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, you know, he says, I think it's, I think it might be Oscar Wilde.

He said, I spent all day, I spent all morning,

and all I managed to do was remove a comma.

In the afternoon, I came back in.

Wow.

Yeah.

That's the John approach.

That's the John approach.

It is huge.

It goes to John.

It goes to John.

Hands up.

I'm in the presence of a lot of talent at the moment.

The problem I had with that final line was the word as was in there twice.

So

as he turned on the button, the plum, as the plum, so I'd had to keep going and going until I got out the word as.

And zoke.

And works.

Yeah, but at one point it was forbidden dance.

Dancing their dance was in there.

And I just whittled and whittled until something began to emerge.

The craftsman.

The craftsman and his blade.

And the plum tomatoes began their merry dance.

I was was worried that that was actually, I'd remembered one of your poems.

Because do you have one about someone making a savoury smoothie?

Okay.

No.

Great.

I mean, some people eat some, you know, a load of old crap in my poems, but this is...

There's something beautiful about this.

The fact he's doing it behind her back.

He probably does do the blueberries when she's there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But when she's away, in go the old Lincolnshires.

So you could do a throwdown after Neutra Bullet and after

Seychelles.

She can stuff her blueberries where the sun don't shine, said Bernard as he lowered another sausage into the neutra bullet.

Out done.

Good night.

Look at what you've done to him, Tim.

Can you come on every week?

Because he is.

He's engaged, isn't he?

He is.

It's been a journey with John this.

See him?

He's beaming from ear to ear.

Look at that.

Do you ever have any guest poets on with you on stage?

Because I think we've got a chap right here that would love to pop on.

I don't, I've never actually, you know, invited another sort of thing,

a kind of McGough figure.

I feel like...

It's sort of jam with me.

In a sort of

therapeutic way,

this is freeing my body from the shame it's held for 23 years from the poetry class.

Well, that's massive.

That is huge.

Because when you sit around a group of Oxford undergraduates and postgraduates and a published poet and realise you're holding in your hands something that's about the Lord of the Rings and they're all all talking about some of the great sort of classical traditions.

Well, look, I've been there.

My first ever poetry gig was at a poetry evening where, as I got closer and closer to it, I had the address, like, and I realized it was a residential address the closer I got,

not a room above a pub.

Then I went in, and there was about 20 people sat around

in

on bean bags.

And I'd never read my poems out

at a poetry evening, and it was very sort of

dismal.

But I had the same thing.

I knew what I was packing.

I had a poem about Mr.

Men,

about

Mr.

Small falling off a wall, and then he gets kicked in.

And

the person before me,

which I later found out, someone had studied him in their Commonwealth paper

at university.

He did a poem about the loss of his wife.

Oh,

and then oh god, and then up I get.

That's what happened.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And the sweat, you start to, you know, you're used to getting normal sweat patches sort of under your armpits.

Yeah, yeah.

And your back, maybe, if it's really bad.

No, this is forehead stuff.

Oh, this is forehead.

This is like nipples, nipples.

Stomach.

It's hair sticking to face.

Oh, dear.

The groin can sweat.

And I've got it now.

And I haven't read out a poem in front of other poets.

Oh, I remember looking at these two ladies.

And I mean, obviously, two ladies, four eyes, all of the eyes closed and

I think just trying to block me out and you read it because I there I read it I mean I kind of you know there's a bit of a bit of you know tomfoolery as well I'm like disorganized and I pull out the am I eight to Z you know I'm doing like some stuff you know a little bit of physical stuff and I'm thinking yeah the chap who was talking about his dead wife didn't do any of this stuff

So you're expecting it to be like a pub open mic night with like some poetry, some music maybe.

But were you doing gigs at that point some it was my it was my yeah i i'd done it was right when i started doing poetry so i in that same week i did my first poetry gig at at um the is it happy mondays yeah yeah yeah so i did my first gig there down at the amish moms in the cross yeah yeah and then my first i just was like trying to work out whether i should do my stuff in a comedy club oh poetry setting and yes the following week sort of sat there in a cafe thinking well it's neither of those

oh my god

oh tim what a delight it's been uh to have you with us thank you so much for coming on my absolute pleasure can i tell can i tell you about my new book yeah

oh brilliant yeah um that's a book that me and emily juniper have made together called la baby and that is out uh on the 4th of july but you can pre-order it and and and um is emily your designer emily is my to be fair to her my everything yeah but yeah she's my designer she also publishes the book and uh and she's she's my writer punctuated it so it doesn't look like la baby can i just grab my bag?

Have you got a copy?

Yeah.

Oh, great.

Actually, I'll read it.

Can I order the poems?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And now Tim's going to read us a poem.

Oh, that looks good.

Okay, so

that's beautiful design, I have to say.

Well, she is.

It's such a nice artefact.

She's world-class, this girl.

Okay, so this is...

It's about...

I went to LA for three months.

It's a sort of Fish Out of Water Tale, but the first chapter takes place, you know, in Heathrow Airport and then on the plane.

So, this is on the plane.

I was enjoying premium economy so much, I wrote a song about it.

I went through into economy and sang my song.

Miserable buggers hated it.

I was singing about the leg room and doing a crazy dance with my legs, and I was smashing my stainless steel cutlery against my milk jug, and they looked as glum as hell.

I tried to get them to join in with the chorus.

I needed them to sing, Yes, he's the premium economy lad.

Right after I sung, because I'm the Premium Economy Lad.

But these wretched snakes buried their faces in their screens, and worst of all, the cabin crew refused to do the dance I taught them.

And we're yelling stuff about turbulence and decorum and seatbelts.

Very nice.

Thank you.

Lovely.

Well, that's our utter impress.

And thanks for letting me read it.

Oh, no, that's it.

And well done on your fantastic poems.

Thank you.

Thank you.

And feel free to use them all in your set.

I might leave them there for now,

But they were brilliant.

Yeah, absolutely.

Bit early for a pint, so I have an Easter egg.

You can use that line.

Yeah, it's yours.

You can use all of this is yours to keep because we appreciate you allowing us to sort of impersonate your style.

Do imagine the Deliveroo driver being given an Easter egg as a tip.

Why don't you send the final draft to Tim afterwards?

I don't think it's that important.

I'm just going to dwell on it.

This is my Lord of the Rings moment.

You mean you edit a bit at the end of this podcast, do you?

Oh, We should edit this.

Why don't you just

put that at the end with a bit of music underneath

to get it over the line

in his beautiful Welsh lilt?

Is that okay, Al?

Can we do that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

As long as that line is still in.

A bit early for lines in there.

So I have an Easter egg.

Okay, then, everyone, we'll be back with you very soon for a Cum reconnection.

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So, Tim has left the building, and what a treat it was to have an old friend here.

What a talented man.

Actor, writer, poet, performer, bon viveux.

Yeah.

Obviously, he's hilarious, and everyone knows that.

Although, I read in a very interesting interview with Steve Coogan, where he said, You can't work out why he's so funny, he just is funny.

He's just something about him.

But his acting in the Ballador Wallace Island is fantastic.

He's also one of the great pub companions.

Yes.

And

when I go through the roller decks of great pub experiences, Tim is featuring quite a lot.

Yeah, yeah, he's made your highlights real.

Oh, pub quizzes with Tim.

Yeah.

Davina McCall saying, come on, John, let's look at your highlights.

Right.

Another highlight of this show is Ellis's attitude

to his homeland.

Ellis's spider web of connections, which more often than not, he fails,

but they are there.

As I was writing my poem on the train last night my poems i come reconnected with a lady called zoe from lampeter it's very nice to meet zoe we come reconnected in less than a minute and i come reconnected in the queue for the bar at luce santes' show in hackney less than a minute a lot of people are sick about hearing these come reconnections in the wild ellis i'm doing it a lot of people are saying where is this form when it matters It's all well and good.

People saying, have you seen him in training?

Yeah.

Oh, he's doing well on the US tour over the summer.

John is Royki.

He set Malaysia alight.

I'm sorry, mate.

It's Wembley.

It's a semi.

It's a knockout.

It matters.

He's come reconnecting on the train.

I mean, that's his job.

Dave.

Who are some of the great footballers in practice who never brought it to the pitch?

Oh, that's good.

Well, I don't know.

I've never seen it.

There were many players that didn't really train very hard, but then were amazing.

Who are the sort of famous players who sort of just crumbled as soon as there was any pressure whatsoever, and their careers just sort of went off a cliff and they ended up playing in Turkey?

I mean, you could argue, and

that feels very cruel to name him.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm not going to name him.

Who is that Man United player who scored an amazing goal on his debut, who I watched a video about the other day, who won the league and then just sort of

scored that absolute dream goal that kind of curled the far corner to beat Liverpool to win the league.

He scored in his next game as well, two absolute scorchers.

Oh,

machenko makada makada yeah

makada yeah that's it you're makada but you did win the league yeah yeah david may won the league yeah stephen gerrard didn't yes anyway oh they're not listening are they imagine if stephen gerard was listening oh we love him i love him oh we'd have gerard as a listener i mean we'd have him as a guest it would take him as a guest yes yes dave work ahead on it imagine if we wrote poems of the son of stephen gerrard right we are going to come reconnect.

Um, so let's hear that jingle.

Don't know why I did that single.

I liked this voice.

I liked it.

It's another come reconnection.

Ellis thinks his tactics are sheer perfection.

But his questions have one direction.

Where did you go to school?

Do you know Daffy Levins?

No.

Come on, mate.

They're off the bus.

They've taken their headphones off, Dave.

They've taken their training tops off.

Got little wash bags in the hand under their arm.

They're in the tunnel.

Oh, right, yeah.

And the wash bags are back in the dressing room.

They're shaking hands with the opposition, Dave.

They can hear the crowd roar.

Gary Never looks dead ahead, ignoring Peter Schmeichel on the other side of the tunnel.

Big time.

Big time.

Ellis James James has 60 seconds to find a connection to a fellow Welsh person.

It's that simple.

Before he tries to reverse his current downward connecting trajectory, some emails.

Dear Ellis John producer David Mosley, Ellis, more questions more quickly because someone's got to tell him.

That's from an anonymous listener.

Don't read these up beforehand.

More questions more quickly.

I am going to be referring to that quite a lot.

And we still don't see any questions written down in front of him, but that's his...

He's written down poems and an intro in

12 hours.

Come on, man.

And I was in Wales.

And I'm going back there tonight.

So I've been connecting with people.

Last week, Ellis failed to connect to caller Belinda.

He failed to find the split EP connection that was staring him in the face.

It was staring us all in the face.

He's found a connection with two out of the last 11 callers.

That is relegation form.

Yeah, that is...

That sponsor's beginning to ask big, big questions.

Nivea, they're on hold.

Shaw, they're on hold.

Oh, my God.

Snapdragon awavering.

Yeah.

Snapdragon awavering.

What's Snapdragon?

United's sponsor.

I just don't know.

Fruit Ninja don't want to be on my sleeve anymore.

We've been talking about Fruit Ninja a lot recently.

As a reference point.

They're on whose sleeve were they on?

On who is Angry Birds were on Edinburgh.

I don't know what a snapdragon is yet.

Can today be the turning point he so desperately needs?

We have a caller on the line from Wales.

Hello.

Hello.

The next voice you hear will be that of Mr.

Ellis James.

He needs it.

The crowd know it.

The press know it.

Will he get it?

Your time starts now.

Where did you go to school?

Where did you go to school?

Escaloprasali.

Escroprasali, how old are you?

Esconoprasali.

Oh, no, there's a delay.

Oh, there's a a bit of a delay.

How old are you?

41.

41.

Andrew Richards, who now works at the BBC.

No.

Griffith Ivan, who used to be in publicum, text his son.

He's two years older than me, but I never spoke to him in school.

But you know who he is.

Does that count?

Dave shaking his head.

Yeah, I know who he is.

But you're in Arab.

I feel like you're in Arab.

Joalen?

Too young.

Okay.

What do you if you went to university, where did you go?

Cardiff.

And what did you study?

French and Spanish.

Okay, and what do you do now for a living?

I'm a performer.

Oh, God.

Okay, do you live in Cardiff?

I live in London.

You live in London?

Miran Havworks, the London Welsh Centre?

No.

You can keep going for a bit because there was a delay.

Let's give him a couple of more.

There was a delay.

Let's give him a couple more.

There was a delay.

A scol Praselli.

that means something to me.

I mean, don't tell them anything.

Okay, that's your extra time.

That was absolutely appalling.

What a shocking display.

What a waste of everyone's time.

No, it wasn't.

With

his extra time.

My goodness, me.

I mean, delay didn't help.

Because delay didn't help, but questions were asked.

Questions were asked.

But I think it definitely puts you off even in the flow of the 60s.

Where did you, what village did you grow up?

Newport for quite a lot of that.

Stephen Evans, the comedian.

Yeah, I kind of know him.

There's so many, Alice, you're going to kick yourself.

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

All right, then.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

That's fine.

Sorry.

Emily.

Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily.

So you asked Emily what she did, and she said she was a performer, and you just sort of dropped that thread and asked what type of performance at all, considering that you're also a performer.

Exactly.

So,

well, if she sings in up, if she sings opera, I'm not going to know anyone.

We don't know.

But maybe find out whether she sings in opera.

Did I not ask that?

No, you just moved on once she said she was a performer.

It was the most obscure job she could possibly have.

Linus Mai, the actress, comedic, comedy actress.

She's from around there.

I don't think so.

Okay,

what are your links?

I'm curious about that.

So if I said Chlismervig, what does that mean to you?

Well, I got married there.

Yeah.

Okay.

So

I used to work there when I was younger before I moved to London.

Right.

So I know all the Sykes family really well.

Ah.

And I used to help Silky run Kill for a Seat comedy nights.

Do you know Silky?

We discussed Silky two episodes ago.

The first time my mum and dad ever saw me perform was at Klismethig.

At Silkie's gig.

And Emily, if it is Emily, isn't it?

Yeah.

If Ellis had maybe asked you what type of performer you were, might you have got towards working in comedy for Silky?

I thought that you might have named different people at the London Welsh because I perform there all the time.

What kind of performer are you out of curiosity?

There we go.

I'm a

singer/slash musical comedian.

Slingers.

Okay, then.

Singer/slash musical comedian.

Okay.

Do you have any other connections with Ellis Emily?

Well, just people like Rihanna and Nicola and Bardo at the London Welsh.

Yes.

Yes.

I'm, yes, I understand.

I understand that there are, yes, yes, yes.

And if, like when I was on the train with Zoe yesterday, Zoe from Lampeter, if this had been a two-way process, we'd have got there very quickly, I think, Emily.

Yeah.

Would you agree?

So, if Emily had just told you how she knows you, it would have been quicker.

Yes.

Yeah.

Emily, let's listen.

You're not a fault.

You're not a fault, Emily.

You have value.

You matter.

You matter.

Enormously.

You matter.

for goodness sake.

I'm very, very sorry that I failed to get your connection when it was staring me in the face, but you mustn't blame yourself.

I don't, don't worry.

Okay, Emily.

Well, thank you for calling.

Yeah,

unfortunately, that takes Ellis to what's that, two out of 12.

Two out of 12, Dave.

I mean, we're getting to the point now.

So there was a point, maybe halfway through this football season.

I hate to say it, but I was almost enjoying watching United not do well more than I was watching City do well.

We're getting to the point where...

How many managers can they have in one season?

People are captivated by this because of the poor.

You feel sorry for Man United, though.

No, no, no.

I'm saying it's quite enjoyable to watch it to a point.

I'm a horse.

I've broken my leg.

You want to put me down and cover me in a big turf?

No, I want this to keep going because it's...

I just want to see.

We're all waiting for it to turn around.

I hate to remind you of the phrase more questions more quickly.

However,

delay.

He dealt with it okay because he was structured, but

I think the failure to press on performer is going to be what's all over the back pages tomorrow.

Yeah, Fleet Street.

Alan Shearer is making a very serious point about how bad it is.

Mika Richards is just can't stop laughing.

Fleet is in the tightest shirt you've ever seen.

Yeah, Roy Keene's angry at the performer.

Roy Keene's having a go at me, and

members of the press on Fleet Street, they're going to have my guts for garters.

Yeah.

Glenn Denning has offered him a spare room.

I've actually made the front pages.

Yeah, until things die down.

Until things die down.

I'm on the front and back pages at the moment.

And you don't want to become the story.

But I've become the story.

I'm bigger than the sport.

I've transcended the sport.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Where do we go from here?

Do we think?

I mean, do you think Rethink?

My grave.

Dave.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

Hey,

we'll still support when he's in League One day.

Oh, you'll still have a sellout.

Absolutely.

When Joalen gave the ball away against North Macedonia and they scored in the, I think it was the 91st minute.

We then equalised three minutes later, thankfully.

And Craig Bellamy had told Joalen, if that had been your last action in a wheelchair, I wouldn't have allowed you to retire and I would have made made you play against Lichtenstein.

We can't end on this.

Oh, god, no.

God, no.

For God's sake.

I need a big win.

I need a big win.

I think the country needs it, actually.

He needs a cup run, Dave.

I guess.

The league's gone.

The league has gone.

Yeah.

I need the Europa League.

No, you don't.

You need to be drawn against Rotherham.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the League Cup.

What, a potential banana skin?

On the phone, we've got, you know, Dovrig, who's your age, and went to your school, and then I mess it up.

Don't give me a banana skin.

Give me the olive branch of the Europa League, for God's sake.

Let me beat Man United in the final.

What is the Europa Conference League?

It's worse than the Europa League.

So what happens if you win that?

You're in the Champions League.

No.

I don't think...

Well, no, well, Chelsea were already in the Champions League, weren't they?

So they were fine.

But I don't think if you win the Europa Conference League, you're getting in the Champions League.

No, it's the third-tier European competition.

The Europa League is effectively what the UEFA Cup used to be.

Yeah.

So the Europa League is

the league's not bad to it.

Yeah, it doesn't have the.

I wouldn't say it has the prestigious.

It's the most boring question.

No, it's my fault.

It's my fault.

It's my fault.

I just not had heard of it before.

Right, right, right.

Do you know how we started off with a song?

We started off with sunshine in our hearts and in our willies.

And Radio One.

no hearts and willies was the friday record yeah but dave it's all a rich tapestry yeah um

maybe we finish with a bit of closure ellis a bit of redemption with a poem that you were meant to send to tim key dave get his mum on the line

get his mum on the line for the next one he'll know her voice what if he doesn't get that he just needs a few tennis balls in the nets no we've always been very fair like stuart broad when he got when he started having nightmares about balls hitting him in the head Dave and he's mentioned it to the Australian press and they're tearing him to shreds

he's got to be getting chin music for the rest of the tour day oh he's being sledged to within an inch of his life but we're in the long room at the lords and everyone's shouting at me strategically that's one of the stupidest things a sportsman's ever said what did he say he basically said in an interview he was scared of getting like bouncers

in australia and that everyone just bounced it essentially ended his batting career oh my goodness.

That's me.

Nice bloke though.

I've met someone.

Lovely bloke.

Tall.

Yeah, 60.

Too broad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Very tall, very handsome.

Very handsome.

Like reminiscent of a young John Robbins in many ways.

In Sage.

Yes, Dave.

What has bad dreams?

Sage.

Good radio bell.

Oh, it's such a shit.

Well, if the good radio bell was there, it would have got a lot for the poetry as well.

Anyway, thank you very much for downloading.

Heads gone in the studio.

Back to the drawing board.

We'll be back with you on Friday.

Goodbye.

Felt a bit gluttonous after a jesty breakfast, but I thought you were only 46 once.

Apple reminded me I'd had 9 hours 1 minute of screen time yesterday.

Oh well, I thought.

Also, I meant to order a Wagga smoke signal.

Yep, chalk off a couple of mins of screen time for that at least.

I've got to eat.

Quick look at Facebook memories as I wait for the guy.

Didn't go priority deliveries so I have a tin of sardines and watch Kirsty and fill on Love It Listy.

Quick bananas I check what's new on Vimeo.

12-11.

Hmm.

Bit early for a pint so I have an Easter egg.

A man's got a bloody eat I think as I stare at the front door.

The app is still doing the flip in a saucepan thing so I watch LeBron jumping over a high jump bar like it's a hurdle on YouTube shorts and get out a fork.

Dan from next door comes around to give me back my copy of the Matrix Reloaded, eating a protein pot from Prett.

And I have to admit, I think fair play, mate.

Off he pops before the deliveroo guy arrives, so I flick over to channel 4 and take in a bit of help.

We bought a village.

Doorbell goes, so I put on a dressing gown and walk to the door, not forgetting a bit of Easter egg, so I can give the lad or lady a tip.

Can you meet an Easter egg through your helmet?

I ask, but he just asks for my code.

Fair enough, I say, so I leave it on the step.

Oh, that is a good ending.

Better than the first draft.

That was a nightmare.

Suffs!

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We the man to be home.

Winner, best score.

We the man to be seen.

Winner best book.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

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