#443 - Mockproof Robins, Medium Cod +1 and Good Black Eps

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Hello everyone, welcome to Ellis James and John Robbins and there's a summer air in the room.

Yeah.

I have woken up with a bright ray of sunshine in my heart and my willy.

And it's here to stay, stay, stay.

And I'm glad.

Yes.

Nice to have you back.

Summary John.

Summary John, yes.

Hannah says something because Hannah's a secondary school teacher.

Yeah.

And she says there's a phrase in teaching, or there's a phrase that she uses: is as teachers, you make the weather.

Oh, love it.

Politicians make the weather.

It's a look.

Well, I think John makes the weather.

On this show, absolutely.

I do have dominant mood syndrome.

Yes.

So when John's in a good mood, my word is it balmy and sunny out there.

Yeah.

But when he's

when he's in a bad mood, my god, it's black.

Yeah.

So today we're up, up, up with the lark soaring through the thermals and the clouds and nesting in the middle of a big hawthorn bush.

Oh are you going to migrate south for winter?

I'm going to migrate west for hollybobs of course.

Yeah.

And

just full of love for fellow mankind and extortionate charges to change your seat on

flights.

Certain airlines.

How much are they charging you?

36 quid per seat.

Camp.

To move one row row back.

Nah.

But it's fine.

Are you turning left or are you turning right?

In the air, hopefully neither.

So staying within the cabin.

Do you really think John is turning left, Dave?

I don't turn left, Dave.

I imagine you're not

turned left once.

And

Gate Crashed a party.

On the roof of Regent Street, but I've never actually turned left.

I thought I was turning right.

No, it was turning right.

No, it was left.

Sorry, this is a reference to something that happened about eight years ago on the podcast where Dave and Hannah, on a night out before kids, yes, turned left, which is a sort of metaphor for going crazy, throwing the moment.

Caution to the wind.

Caution to the wind.

And they had a couple of bottles of Bex that they didn't pay for and went home.

And that's what turning left is all about.

No,

we ended up on a rooftop terrace party because the door was left ajar at the bottom of the street.

And we went, we're feeling cheeky.

We turned left 45 minutes ago, and that's still coursing through our our veins.

I don't sit to rooftop parties.

No.

I don't, but when you've kind of snuck in and no one's really noticed, it's great fun because you feel a bit mischievous.

I just think I need a roof.

It was a summer's evening.

It was lovely.

Anyway, we're in a good mood because as we were discussing before the show, last week's show was awful.

It was catastrophic.

It was probably one of the worst things any of us have ever been involved in.

Yes.

And then we went through our CPs.

And then we did partly down to my black mood, which I was responsible for,

partly down to Dave being remote because he has a family, of course.

Well, Hannah was an Ibiza, but yeah, the family.

And Dave is integral to the smooth running of this show.

My mood, not so much.

You know, we've had some good black Eps

and we've had some good bright Eps.

Yeah, I prefer the Bright Eps.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I think if you listed our 10 high points, eight of them are going to be black Eps.

Yeah, black mood Eps.

But I don't leave the studio with a heavy sense of worry.

That's your bright depths.

That's the bright depths.

It's the aftermath.

Yes, yes, of course.

Well, it just takes a classic handful of apology texts, and we're all back broadcasting at our brilliant best.

Who have you apologised to?

You?

Oh, yeah, you did.

I think so.

I gave him a heart emergency.

The production team.

Yeah, it goes a long way.

God.

It goes a long way, John.

I had to get an Uber today, and

the driver was listening to a sermon.

Oh.

And it put a spring in my steps.

That's nice.

I think we've got God on our side this week.

Do you know?

I think we do.

And I look behind you and I look at some of the iconography we've got in this room.

Frank Zappa, me, Adrian Chiles, me, Adrian Chiles, Emil Zapotec,

Ronnie O'Sullivan, me again, and Tony Blackburn.

And I think this is a shrine.

that God graces with his glory, if I can be so bold.

So it's holly bobs for Johnny JR.

Yeah.

And obviously I'm dealing with the administrative

brick bats and cutcuttles.

No, I would say the administrative

flexibility to

because I'm going on holiday with dear friend of the show, Guardian Angel and QtpieHQ.com owner-operator Lou Sanders.

And we have different approaches.

Hugely so Hugely different approaches.

We talked about this yesterday, and actually,

going on holiday with someone,

it's quite a delicate thing, I would say.

It was a very insightful text from Ellis James, Dave, because going on holiday expose, doesn't expose,

it reveals quite

brings into sharp focus elements of personality which are quite intimate, e.g.,

planning, timing budget attitude to cost yeah attitude to preparation attitude to plans changing plans changing flexibility

and um you know I am trying to be

completely different in every single facet of my personality went to Las Vegas about 15 years ago to watch 2008 it was to watch Joe Karzaghi fight and I went with my dear friend Brachan and he wanted to be at Heathrows seven hours early and I had to talk him down yeah I said, by all means, let's leave a margin for error.

Yeah.

But that's too big a margin.

Let's not leave a margin for another flight to Las Vegas.

Yeah, yeah.

That's too much.

That's true.

That's true.

Yeah.

And I'm aware that it's a lot of, it's difficult when your approach is right, but stressful.

Is that your

approach to yourself, is it?

No, I don't actually.

I see my approach as the least stress, but the most worry.

And and the most hanging around.

Yes, which I don't mind because you've always got access to a pret.

Yeah.

When would you want to be at the airport out of curiosity?

For a long-haul flight, I would like to arrive three hours before.

Okay, that's fair.

Yeah, that's fair.

Yeah, that's fair.

And

that's not the issue.

It's more.

Come on, you're most friends.

No one will hear this.

I was chatting to her last night about what we're going to do, at what time we're going to the airport.

And

I said, well, the flight leaves from Heathrow at half nine.

And she said,

no,

a.m.

Okay.

She said, Heathrow.

And I went, yeah.

Oh, my God.

So

she was off to later.

She was off to Gatwick, of course.

Huge.

Wow.

You haven't said that.

And I bet you double-checked it was Heathrow afterwards.

Well, I've checked it out a thousand times.

Yes, and it is Heathrow.

yeah okay what i never do with flights is just guess the airport i don't even do that with trains no um so we're we're

having a sleepover uh because i live quite near the airport um oh my god but it's this is and this is a little bit of you as well this is not a criticism but um here becomes a criticism

when your brain focuses in the present yeah

you're finding out lots of stuff about what you're doing tomorrow.

Yes, yes.

Whereas I know what I'm doing tomorrow.

Yes, yes.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, I think that's a very kind way of making an observation about the chaos that is my life.

Yeah, because you get hyper-focus on a specific task.

Stephen Gerrard's performance at the 2006 Champions League final.

He was playing it right back.

Not always relevant focus or a relevant task, but you get that hyper-focus.

You're available

to facts about Stephen Gerrard in the Champions League final.

And you're available exclusively for the League of League.

A complete midfielder, I would say.

And someone points out that you're at Heathrow, not Gatwick tomorrow because your hyperfocus has yet to get there.

Yes.

And suddenly, an entire domino effect happens for the rest of your week,

which forces you to look ahead in a way you're not used to.

Yes.

This is good.

This is kind.

Because often when you point this stuff out about me, it feels double-edged.

Well, it's because I've got sunshine in my heart and in my willy.

Thank goodness.

Goodness.

I love it when it's sunny down there.

But also, I'm learning about my attitudes.

And your weaknesses.

My weaknesses.

None spring to mind, but

you know, you've got to, like you said, Dave, you make the weather, right?

No, you make the weather.

I make the weather.

One makes the weather.

Yeah, one makes the weather.

No, John makes the weather.

Yeah, John makes the weather.

The weather in our holiday destination is, I would say, biblical.

Oh.

Like, we might need to build an ark.

Right.

Not metaphorically, actually.

Chili.

Okay.

Yeah, like

pretty bad times.

Okay.

For the whole thing.

Yeah, every single day.

And

what were you expecting?

Sun kissed.

I think we were expecting sun-kissed.

It was in Portugal.

It rained every day in Portugal, but that's fine.

One person

staying in the block we're staying in has already been struck by lightning.

So

I am just trying to lean into flexibility of attitude and wordle because I like rain.

Yeah.

I like the sound of rain.

I like the feeling of rain.

I like swimming in the sea when it's raining.

Oh, I've never done that.

Well, there you go.

So trying to try trying to sort of lean into acceptance.

Radical acceptance.

When I do Wheels Away, Guion Harding, my dear friend Guian Harding, organises everything.

And that's good.

Because we let Guion express himself.

Yeah.

When we went to North Macedonia for the last game, I had to buy the flights because everyone was busy at work and they were becoming more expensive.

So I was in charge of everyone's ticket.

The stress was,

I thought, I'm not built for this.

And I did it.

We all got there and we all came back.

But some people thrive under that pressure and others don't.

And I think that's fine.

Well, my approach, I would like to think, removes pressure.

because things have been done in order in a timely fashion leading up but it's the pressure of you having to do it.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I'm getting better.

This stuff used to drive me nuts.

But

you just got to go with the flow.

If you're swimming in the sea.

Yes, Dad.

And it's raining.

Uh-huh.

What if...

Bother with a towel?

Yes, that's another question.

Wasn't the one I was going for.

Okay.

But I would.

All right.

Let's give you the answer.

Would you if lightning struck the sea?

Hmm.

Would that be fatal?

No, it does dissipate.

It dissipates.

Have we talked about this before?

I think.

I wonder if we have, but I've definitely thought about it.

But yes, lightning does dissipate

when it

strikes the water.

So unless it's like right next to you.

Yeah.

Okay.

I think you're okay.

And also, it would be less likely to be drawn towards water, I think.

I don't know if that's true.

Interesting.

I've never swum in the sea.

You're kind of a great swimming.

You've never swum in the sea.

Sorry, you've never swim in the rain, I mean.

Oh, I've done that a few times it's really really nice you have swum in the sea as well yeah i just want to make that very clear um

so yeah it's just a super sort of chill-a-thon and discussions about who has permission to drive the hire car on the wrong side of the road

who does have permission for that currently currently i'm hoping i'm in charge of granting permission

there you're in charge of granting permission well there have been um appeals made by certain members of the holiday group that driving should be shared on uneven Central American roads on the wrong side of the

Robins task.

Give it to the end of this holiday.

You'd think.

But, you know, you've got to be flexible.

You've got to perhaps have certain agreements about who pays the excessive damage is done to the higher country.

Deposits and the bond and all that kind of stuff.

I've got the most expensive insurance policy, which is costing more for 10 days than my insurance policy costs for a year.

Yikes.

Is it?

Yeah.

I thought holiday insurance was fairly reasonable.

So then when Lou Sanders wants to drive this.

So then you have.

She's just got.

Don't tell anyone I told you this.

She's just got her car back from having all the dents and scratches and plotting.

Well,

she's got very funny material about it.

She does.

Now then, here's his question.

I went to Lou's show last week, loved it.

She's got very, very funny material about dinking her car.

She's also had a best, a brilliant bit where she would walk out on stage with the side of her car that came off on the way to the gig.

She scraped it.

So,

if you have a dink

on an uneven Central American road,

on the wrong side of the road,

I mean, there's a lot of comics on this trip.

Oh, my God.

It feels to me like a good routine.

Who then gets access to the the routine?

Oh,

you could tour that.

You could do 70 gigs.

Of one anecdote.

Well, there'd be drinking a car.

There'll be other anecdotes.

They can have it.

I come too scared to do live comedy.

Okay.

You're too scared.

No, you're not, John.

You're so good at it.

You're going on tour, you goon.

Oh, that's not comedy.

That's badinage.

That's messing about.

Improvise badinage I can do till the day I die.

Okay, good.

Or until you retire.

Whichever comes first.

Whichever comes first.

Fingers crossed, it's the retirement.

Now we've got some WhatsApp correspondence.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, have we got a WhatsApp jingle that we could just throw in?

We don't play WhatsApp jingles nearly often enough.

And before we read a WhatsApp,

message from us on the show, from the producers and from John Dave and I.

Please sign off for new WhatsApp so we know your names.

Oh, lovely.

Because otherwise, we're just reading great anonymous WhatsApps.

Yes.

Here's a WhatsApp jingle.

07974.

The classic.

293

022.

God, it's bad.

I've not heard that in about 12 months.

It's very, very place school.

Well, Tony Blackburn absolutely slaughtered it, didn't he?

When he came in,

he was not a fan.

We have Mallet Mail.

Oh, what?

Yes, Mallet Mail on the subject of Timmy Mallet

because we seem to be collecting stories about what a nice guy he is.

We tried to get him.

Did you?

Yeah, we really did.

I got nothing back from management.

really and i thought he would be up for it but oh mallet will come on mallet this is a come get you this is a what is it it's not a come get me please he would issue a come get me please yes what's the thing

i've got my come hither mallet eyes

and i'm staring at you from across the street i wonder if he's still got his mallet yeah he does this is from stewart on the subject of timmy mallet a little late but i thought timmy deserves this story to be out in the wild as a younger man, I was questionably given the responsibility to organise the second day at my sister's extravagant wedding.

Point of order,

no second days.

I've never heard of that.

Oh, yes.

I went to a wedding on Saturday.

Yeah, some weddings have two days.

We had a pre-bash for hours, but we wouldn't have called it day one of the wedding.

We had a Barbie round at our gaff for whoever wanted to turn up, and then there was the wedding.

Why did you mean the wedding?

The night before.

Like the day before.

To be fair, it wasn't.

In fact, it got quite out of hand.

On the day before.

the day before the wedding.

Married on a come-down.

Not that out of hand.

And it's classic Val Masterman.

We'll just have a few drinks.

We'll just get a few people around here and just be nice and casual.

Be a lovely precursor to the wedding.

The Mastermans don't really do...

small get-togethers.

Before you know it, there's 60 people there and everyone's getting carried away and everyone's trying to pretend it is just, it's just a lovely casual get-together.

But everyone's pretty blasted by 8 p.m and it's because

there's a big day tomorrow so there was i'd say 40 of the wedding attendance of the actual wedding were a little bit worse for me i couldn't have changed well i think it's nice say you've hired a a country house for the wedding yes and for people to stay oh yeah and you're paying for them to stay then a two-dayer is quite nice because you have a sort of hungover boxing wedding boxing day breakfast i think yeah it's the morning after

the day before.

Koits.

Koits, yeah.

A bit of croquet.

Bit of croquet.

Boxer bare knuckle boxing man.

Badger baiting, cock fighting.

Wrestling.

It's all the country sports.

Fox hunting.

Anyway, armed with my father's bank card and with a vague don't be too stupid warning, I immediately called the booking agent for Bon Jovi.

A cool million for a private concert, not including first-class travel and accommodation.

Okay, Dad?

No, son.

Plan B then.

Adjusting the filters on the agent's website to lowest price first, I came across Timmy Mallet.

A little nostalgia, a bit of silly fun to help shake off any hangovers and get the crowd going again.

Why not?

And there I was, on a sunny Norfolk August bank holiday Sunday, driving to Cromer to collect Timmy Mallet.

Great.

To collect it.

This is great.

We were to meet at the Cliftonville, the now faded former Grand Victorian Hotel.

I was surprised to meet not just Timmy, but a further 16 members of his family he had brought to, quote, try some chroma crab.

I was invited to have a cup of tea and we discussed how they could best make use of their day at the seaside.

Can we catch a crab?

Were the arcades good?

I was happy to help.

Refreshed, Timmy and I got in my car to begin the short 10-minute journey inland to the wedding venue.

It's important to note at this point that I'd been having some car trouble, but generally, if it started, it kept going, and start it did.

But once we'd ventured far enough into the countryside to be alone and without phone signal, the car gradually shuddered to a stop and gave up on me.

Don't worry, Timmy.

This happens from time to time.

No problem here, I said, as I felt the prickly back sweat of my hangover return.

No luck.

To his credit, Timmy looked calm, contentedly staring out of the window with Pinky Punky resting on his lap.

Sorry about this, Timmy.

Let me wander into that field to get some phone signal.

I'll come with you, he said.

I might get some ideas for my watercolours.

Oh, what a guy.

That's great.

Knowing the party would be up and running, I was nervous to be able to get hold of anyone, but luckily another sister, who was pregnant, bored and sitting with a phone, said, sure, I'll be there in ten minutes.

It was my sister's wedding, but it was me that was having a truly memorable day.

So Timmy and I sat on a hay bale shooting the breeze.

Turns out Michaela Strachan really is that nice.

He doesn't say baa that much in real life.

He'd come late to art and lacked confidence accordingly.

Perhaps I I could organise a boat for them to sail the coast the next day.

Perhaps I can, Timmy.

My sister arrived.

We got Timmy to the venue and he brought the house down with his classics.

Mallet's Mallet, Itsy Bitsy, Teeny Weenie, Yellow Polkadot bikini, and chasing all the kids and some adults around the dance floor with Pinky Punky.

What a great guy, a gent throughout.

All the best, Stuart.

I love the sound to Timmy Mullet.

But I'd rather have that than Bon Jovi.

Oh, God, yeah.

There's the nostalgia involved in that.

If you've got the right audience, and it sounds like they are, you all remember Timmy with such fondness.

And I think also, kids are going to enjoy that whether they know Timmy Manner or not.

Yes, timeless.

Who doesn't want to be chased around the dance law with a pink fluffy hammer?

Yeah.

Also, with Bon Jovi,

there'd be so much extra stuff you'd have to organise.

Like a technique.

PA system and sound technicians and all that kind of stuff.

A million quid.

But they do, some of them do ramp it up for kind of private functions oh of course dave you're not gonna get you're not gonna get bj for i don't know four grand that would be absolutely absurd but just imagine imagine being his agent and going i've got you got your wedding in chroma

do you can where's chroma it's a million pounds but drecking the million pounds is inclusive of travel no no no no first class travel and i know that they said right so it's on top a million quid dave

You could do two gigs and retire.

Yeah.

Why doesn't he do that?

I think because he probably has a lifestyle he's accustomed to, and he needs to keep earning million quids.

Oh, he's going Heinz.

He's not going own brand.

Absolutely not.

He is Heinz.

He's Kellogg's, not Ownbrand.

He's Kellogg's, Dave.

He's got a melee washing machine.

He's he's grossman pasta sauce.

Yeah.

Yes.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

What a life.

What a life.

This is from Yucca Tting.

Good morning, John Ellison Day.

Firstly, just want to say how much I look forward to each new podcast release.

It was a great show, never predictable.

I'm a retired osteopath and a bit of a pedant.

And thinking it may be of interest to John in particular, who also suffers from pedantry, I felt he might want to know that the singular of biceps is biceps.

Despite ending in S, biceps is actually a Latin singular noun, short for musculus biceps, meaning two-headed muscle.

In Latin, biceps is singular, and the plural is bicepites, though in English, biceps is used for both singular and plural forms.

So in English, one biceps, two biceps.

Best wishes to you and all the team, Yakuting.

That might be true, but I just think with certain things that are grammatically correct, you have to draw the line.

Are you playing the correct by usage card?

Yes, I am.

For instance, he's playing the correct by usage card, Dave.

Unhistorical.

Come on, guys.

It's a historical event, is what I would say.

Oh, unhistorical events.

An historical is what it should be.

No, I would say an historical event.

No.

A historical event.

Well, because the way you pronounce an sounds like an.

An historical event.

So are you saying that's right?

Oh,

for instance, saying stadia rather than stitch.

Say stadiums.

Come on,

for God's sake.

Interesting.

There's some nice stadiums in Munich.

There's some nice stadia in Munich.

Oh, come on.

If you have any correct by usage cards you would like to play, do email them or WhatsApp them to Ellison Johnson.

Oh, we can see that.

And we will decide whether the correct by usage cards...

So what does that mean?

It just means because it's said, because you've always said it in a certain way, that's fine.

It says because everyone says it.

it makes it right.

Yeah.

So then you sort of have to, you're like, yeah, fine.

And actually, the correct version sounds wrong.

And often eventually it just changes.

So dice, would you say that's correct by usage?

Because it's die and dice.

I wouldn't say die.

You would never say roll the die.

No, I don't think so.

I don't think I would.

You would, wouldn't you?

No, I would roll the.

Hang on.

Is it what's single?

Oh, this is.

We're becoming a different type of podcast.

We've opened a hornet's nest.

Yeah, so die is singular.

So if you had one

Yeah.

I would probably interchange.

Yeah.

Yeah, based on, you know, my mood.

Yeah, based on hormones, mood, how aroused I was.

Whether it's those dyes.

Have you had sunshine in your Willie?

Whether it's those sexy die that say, you know, on one side, say, give someone a big kiss.

Yeah.

And on the other side, say, you know, just go online on your own for an hour.

An hour?

Yeah.

Sure.

Yeah.

God.

Got Got some love for Chesney Hawks, Dave.

How are you feeling post-Hawk?

It just gets better.

It kind of perpetuates the cycle once you've met Hawks.

So at the time, you think, that was good.

Did I get it right that time?

That was fine.

I'm happy it happened.

And then the further you move away from it, the more it just becomes an incredible memory.

Because what a man.

This is from Daniel.

Daniel says: When I listened to the episode in which Dave described his awkward moment with Chesney Hawks, I was going to email in.

I didn't.

That's not where this ends.

I've just listened to the latest episode, number 440.

That's a lot.

Yeah.

We've done 440 episodes.

This.

I think you're meant to say an historian.

An historian.

Yeah, I would say an historian.

He's a historian.

He's a historian.

No, I would say us.

Yeah.

I was actually discussing this with someone quite recently.

I felt that I must write in, fear not, this is not an attempt to counterbalance the scales of Chesney.

Rather, to add more weight onto the love plate, where the scales have two plates, one love and the other hate.

At the minute, there's no hate on your Chesney scales.

I've never met anyone on

Chesney scales.

I hope he's not bringing hate plates to the table.

I mean, I would say that it's not a scale, as in a balance, it's a set of weighing scales.

Yeah.

So we're just adding love to the Chesney scales.

It's just a big bucket, isn't it?

Yeah, it's a bucket on the scales.

Yeah.

And we've zeroed it to take into account the weight of the bucket, so that doesn't add.

Anyway,

picture the scene.

It's early 1991.

I'm in the final year of primary school, age 10.

I'm an August baby, so I'm confident of that fact.

I was always one to volunteer for things.

The teacher said, who wants?

And before they'd finished, my hand shot up and I was chosen.

That is me.

And until, until the day in Border's Bookshop, now defunct, Vic, my supervisor, walked into the

back back room where we would unbox the books and said, I need a volunteer.

Me, 23 years old, and straight up.

I'll do it, Vic.

I'll do it, Vic.

A toddler had been sick in

the shop, and I had volunteered myself, and I had to clean up sick, and I was nearly sick.

And you learned the smell of that sick was chicken.

It was just food, no, this was like, this was toxic.

Yeah.

Anyway, so I never volunteered for anything ever again.

And I can tell.

Yeah.

Anyway, the instructions I received were simply to turn up at the railway station where I lived, Alton, in Hampshire, in Victorian costume early on the coming Sunday morning.

That's unexpected.

How do you source Victorian costumes?

You're a parent, you know, the frantic scrabble through the drawers.

Well, I mean, in 1991, now...

given two days you could you could amazon it but then

oh my god um

nothing else was said i should add that there was a steam railway line which runs from alton called the watercress line i thought that my venture may be based on that somehow so i turned up bright and early on that saturday morning wearing my costume which was in fact just an orange knitted jumper some shorts and a flat cap i didn't scream victorian

i should have put soot on my face to make me look like a chimney sweep as well i had a good show i saw in the station car park lots of television outdoor broadcast trucks It then became apparent that the show Going Live was doing an outdoor broadcast from the train.

Going live, day big.

This is the big time.

That is big.

And I was joining the local youth theatre group, which I wasn't a member of, as an additional child audience member on the train.

On the show was Hawks, very much in the infancy of the one and only success.

His dad, Chip, was also there.

Chesney was so nice and friendly to everyone.

I got to ask him a question on the show.

What I really remember doing is that whilst Trevor and Simon were doing a comedy skit on one of the platforms,

I was sat next to Chesney inside the train off camera for what felt like 20 minutes, and he was equally chatty and friendly and utterly professional.

Because of that experience, I ask every DJ at every event I attend, whatever it is, to play the one and only.

Some scoff and refuse, to their detriment.

The ones who acquiesce reap the rewards.

Full dance floors of happy dancing people.

Remember it for dancing with Dave, Dave.

Good show to you.

Well, I'll come to that in a second.

Carry on.

Like Mallet, Hawks is one of those truly wonderful people, and I'm so pleased that you have used your platform to herald this.

I also hope that people like Chesney appreciate that those small moments of kindness can have a real impact on people's lives forever.

Yeah.

Can I end by saying that coming up on 45 years old, I know that I am now 10 plus years above your core listener demographic, but can I thank you all for the excellent work you do and your production staff?

I must look a sight as I walk along listening to you, laughing or with an hour-long fixed smile.

Please don't ever stop.

John must not retire.

Kind regards, Daniel.

John must not retire.

It's a very good, that's a good ending there.

I disagree with Daniel on his final point.

No.

What we need is...

A great big melting pot.

We need a basket of good eggs

in the studio.

And we write the names on each egg.

Yes.

Hard-boiled.

Hard-boiled.

So we've got Hawks and Mallets so far.

This is good.

This is good format pointing, Dave.

This is good format.

I've got a thumbs up from producer Michael.

He's on it.

He's never looked after it.

We've got previous good egg chat, and it would be nice to have Ellis and John's basket of good eggs.

Yeah.

Maybe

you could draw a little face on them.

Well, you used to do egg blowing when I was a kid.

Did you ever do that?

Yeah.

You'd sort of blow the egg out of of a little hole.

Yeah, yeah.

You'd get sort of horrible strain in your cheeks from blowing so hard.

Yeah.

Use the egg for, I don't know, colouring in or whatever.

Yeah, yeah.

And paint the egg or grow cress in it.

There has been interest from Hawk's Camp for the next dancing with Dave over the past 24 hours.

What to DJ?

Hawks to DJ.

Yeah.

Which I'm very excited about.

That would be amazing.

It was

music you'd play.

He'd play what I would tell him to play after previous experience.

but I've not done that.

I've got a sale for the next one seven months in advance, Dave.

Are you mad?

Gotta catch him early.

Just thinking about what they're doing in December.

Also, people buy tickets now.

Their plans will change.

No one will turn up.

Well, Hawks' dad was in the tremoloes.

Huh?

Yes, yes.

Yeah, yeah.

So his dad was official.

Chip Hawks.

Chip Hawks.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Chip Hawks is a cool name.

Chip Hawks.

It is cool.

Anyway.

Good eggs.

Oh, yeah, we should do that.

I like that.

What are we doing now, Jay?

Why don't we have a little chill?

With sun sets on our hearts and willies.

Are we chatting to Adrian?

Yeah, let's chat to Adrian.

English football has changed over the last 20 years immeasurably with the rise of, you know, data and recruitment and foreign players.

And all of that is to be celebrated as well.

Where did you rank Swansea City Stadium?

So it ranked in the 70s, but I think, but it was given a boost up the list on the basis that I attended the South Wales Derby against Cardiff.

I think if I'd attended a fairly miserable Tuesday night, and there are many of those this season for both myself and Swansea,

yeah, I think it may have been slightly lower down.

Okay.

Well, I'll pass that on to Ellis James now.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much indeed, Daniel's story.

Look up Daniel's pieces on this in the eye, well worth looking at.

Ellis, what do you think about that?

Ranked 70th.

In the 70s.

Could have been lower.

Well, Colchester came rock bottom, but I mean, Daniel was almost apologetic when he said that.

I'm a big fan of Daniel's stories, writing in the eye and his books.

You were a big fan.

Yeah.

I was a big fan, but that's disappointed me.

It's rocked him, Adrian.

Rocked him.

Yeah, it's rocked him to its core.

It's rocked me, Adrian.

Yeah.

It's rocked Swansea to its core.

Where did the Hawthorns end up, Adrian?

Yeah, he was about 40th.

I was disappointed.

I didn't want to have him on the bottom.

50 places above the Swans.

Good grief.

Yeah.

Good grief.

It's not right, is it?

Where did Cardiff end up?

That's the real acid test.

I'll send you the piece now and

we can discuss it later.

Do you like Cardiff's?

Do you like rankings things, John?

Do you rank

everything?

Do you rank your meals?

Do you rank your golf courses, etc?

I don't rank meals.

I have my go-to's.

I've recently learned how to make Sechuan sauce from scratch.

Really?

Is that a faff?

No, it's not a faff.

It's very simple.

You mix it all up and just pour it all in.

All right.

Interesting.

The secret is Sechuan peppercorns.

I don't know if you've ever had them, but they are a very different experience to your regular peppercorns.

Have you got a pepper?

Yes, they leave a sort of fizzing sensation on the old tongue.

And what about golf courses?

Could you rank what would be be your top three golf courses you've played on?

That I've played

top is Loch Loman.

That's Out of This World.

Another golf course, which perhaps doesn't get many plaudits, it's just a sort of, you know, pretty

you wouldn't, you know, you would drive in, thinks it's a regular sort of local club.

It was a place called Clandy Boy

in Belfast.

I absolutely loved that as a bogey golfer, very achievable course.

And the Queen's course at Glen Eagles, they would be my top three.

Okay.

I don't think I've ever asked you a question before and got an entirely serious, thought-out answer with no jokes in it.

It's almost disappointing, but also encouraging, John.

There are certain things John will not joke about, Adrian.

And ranking golf courses in ascending order is one of them.

I had a dream I was telling John about where I was.

Adrian, you sound like you're coming from inside a toilet.

Now, I'm guessing that doesn't come across on

that other thing.

There we go.

I'm sorry if I've been that far off.

Mike, you would have thought after all these years I'd learned.

I heard Adrian, a producer, not someone who works on your show, but say you sit so far away from the mic that they have to turn the gain up to its absolute maximum level and it does cause problems.

Well, you know what?

He's got his feet on the desk.

You know what?

I'm not slouching.

No, I'm slouching, very poor posture.

But no, I had a dream that was on tour with you and I just lay.

You did your act sitting on the great big box

and I was lying in the box and nobody knew.

It had some air holes in and I found it intensely relaxing.

Like a story.

Yes, sort of there, but part of it, but not part of it, because nobody knew I was there.

Just

being close to all the tension of live comedy and listening to the reaction and feeling, you know, and the sensation of your bottoms above me sitting on the box.

But uninvolved, I'm quite intoxicated by the idea.

I wonder if you could make it happen for me.

Well, I wonder, Adrian, if that dream is telling you that you want to experience the thrill of live performance, but you want to do so in a way that you're safe and not exposed.

Okay.

So like all the great artists, you want to speak but not be heard.

Yeah.

You want to be seen but not found out.

And what I think I'm here to say to you, Adrian, is that were the audience to find you out, they would find one of the world's great men.

I need that because I've just had a text saying, Adrian, you get a lot of praise, mostly deserved, but can you please stop whispering and taking five minutes between each word?

Thank you.

I'll do my best, but like sometimes I just freeze.

Maybe I'm in the wrong place.

Anyway, that's from Andy in Edinburgh.

There you go.

Have a marvellous show, Ellis and John.

Thank you.

Lovely talking to you as ever.

I'm going to try and cut down on the pauses between words because it must be flipping miserable to listen to.

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There you go.

Chat with Adrian, and he is first in the hatch of good eggs, isn't he?

We've got to have Adrian in there.

He obviously is.

At the minute, it's a lot of white men.

Is all I'm saying, Dave.

We need a more diverse basket of Ellis and John's basket of good eggs.

Is Adrian almost too close?

He's a friend.

He's one of the chickens.

He's a chicken.

He lays the good eggs.

Because I feel like...

And those eggs are his columns.

And they're very small eggs.

And they often only arrive just before the farmer's coming to collect all of the eggs.

And the farmer has to remind the chicken that it needs to lay an egg actually by 5pm.

p.m.

Yeah,

or that egg won't make print.

And the chicken's got all this jewellery and all the other chickens in the hen house are going, how does he get all the jewellery from just such a tiny little egg?

We're laying massive eggs that we really researched.

This last egg was laid on an iPhone note.

He's only doing one small egg a week.

But no, Adrian is obviously a superb egg.

Yeah, he is.

Absolutely.

Yeah,

I don't think you can put friends in the good eggs.

No, I think there's got to be

a distance.

Because I would say George Egg

is almost the OG E G G.

There's too much bias involved when they're late.

I've only met Chesney Oaks twice and I've never met Timmy Mallett.

So I feel comfortable putting him in the Good Egg basket based on the wealth of evidence we have.

I've got to say Lisa Tarbuck.

See, this is it.

Izzy would absolutely back up on that.

Izzy had an absolute stinker of a a gig downstairs at the king's head in Crouch End.

Like, she died in her arms.

I came to give her a compliment.

But she's beautiful, my wife, and I love her.

I know, also, it was very, very early on, and she was an open spot.

Yeah.

And Lisa Tarbert brought her over a pint and said, There you go, you deserve that.

I thought you were brilliant.

Oh, love that.

Izzy's that's never left Izzy.

That's yeah, those things don't.

Okay, okay, so the egg.

But she's beautiful, and I love her, and she's the mother of my children.

Oh, my God, I'd crumble if she left me.

Only one of those is a compliment.

No, she's beautiful.

You love her.

Yeah.

She is the mother of...

That's not compliment.

No, no, it's not compliment, but it's a fact.

You would crumble if she left you.

Yeah, that's another fact.

Is that a compliment?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think so.

If you told me that you would crumble if I left you, I would feel flattered.

Oh, no, I think that's codependency.

Okay, because that's me saying you are responsible for my welfare.

And I've said that to Izzy many times.

Yeah.

No, no, no.

She's a fantastic mother to my children.

Hannah was away for three nights.

Great writer.

I lost the plot for three days.

I just got takeaways every night.

Yeah, it's great.

The house went to pot.

Yeah, it's brilliant.

And then for half an hour at the very end of it all, I panicked and have to get everything sorted out.

But

my standards...

Yeah.

They don't get kind of worryingly low, but I get to the end of the three days and I think to myself, that's really disappointing what she's happened, Dave.

You've

really played yourself out of the world.

What is wrong with you two

I've lived alone for 11 years nearly the whole place is spick and spam this is it this is it I said to Hannah when she got back I said I don't think I don't think I've but the novel the novelty's left you that's what's happened the what the novelty has left you of being on your own

but it's just now you're tidying up well it doesn't when it doesn't feel like a holiday from being well behaved yeah years ago

Before we had kids, I remember Brizzy was away and I remember waking up in the morning wake up in the morning, getting getting out of bed and standing in a bowl of cocoa pops and thinking, This is love.

That's so good.

This is love.

Um,

so what are we doing now, Dave?

Oh, what shall we do now?

Should we do?

Um, well, how's your week been, John?

Uh, up and down, great, because that leads us lovely into a feature.

We call.

Are you ready?

Yes, John wins again.

John wins again.

Oh, John wins again.

John wins again.

John wins again.

Wins again.

Wins again.

Yes, there's been wins and losses all week long for Johnny JR.

And luckily, now the tally is kept in the Hall of Records.

Sort of, you know, those big sort of pigskin scrolls.

Yeah, like pantsard for wins and losses.

Pantsard for wins and losses.

Dave's got four pens.

He got run out last time.

Okay.

So it's a mixed bag.

But who will win?

Yeah.

First off, parking has gone up to £10 a day in the station car park that I drive to.

What was it?

What was it used to?

Eight quid.

That's a

25% increase.

Hefty, that's yeah.

However, the last time I parked there, I forgot to pay and I didn't get a ticket.

Hooray!

You just paid for five parking sessions.

Yeah.

The sort of the

difference, yeah.

Yeah.

I did 100 pull-ups, as discussed on last week's episode.

Full actual proper pull-ups.

I didn't get enough praise and encouragement from you two, and that has blighted my week.

It's because you're in a foul mood.

Yeah,

we didn't think you deserved it.

Maybe if if you'd been more impressed about my hundred pull-ups.

I mean, that is impressive.

Thank you, Dave.

Yeah, big time.

Pulls or chin-ups.

100, Dave.

Pull-ups or chin-ups?

Pull-ups.

What's the difference?

Pull-ups is like that.

Chin-ups is like huh.

And a pull-up is harder than a chin-up.

A pull-up is harder than a chin-up.

And you were doing the pull-ups?

Yes, 100!

Oh, who are you?

Hulk Hogan.

Thanks.

What's the most you can do in a row?

I could probably do 10 kipping pull-ups in a row.

Could you?

Yeah.

Are you allowed to do the kips?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

And how many chin-ups could you do in a row?

Maybe eight.

Oh, I thought the chin-ups were easier.

Chin-ups are easier.

No, you can't kip a chin-up.

So you can't, like, so when you're kipping, you're actually sort of swinging up and swinging down and swinging up.

Right, okay.

So it's 2-1 at the minute.

Okay.

I last night stubbed my toe on my suitcase.

Me bad toe.

which has got arthritis in the joint, also known as hallux limitus.

And if you stub it or run off walk in the wrong shoes it swells up for too week and it hurts and I'm just about to go on holidays we look what I'm walking does

that's worse

do pinkillers tick the edge well I was well I was straight on the old ibuprofen gel and ibuprofen they don't take the edge off but I think they do reduce the swelling however so that's a negative Dave I've done it to all I immediately I thought I just stubbed your immediate reaction is, you've stubbed your toe, it's going to hurt for 10 seconds, then it's going to be alright.

And then the pain didn't go away, and I thought, ah, this is your bad toe.

This is serious.

This is holiday ruining.

And I just took a breath and I said, just going to accept it.

You've had this pain before.

You know how it operates.

You're not going to stress.

You're not going to Google.

You're just going to live with it.

That's just a different kind.

It's much better.

It's just a different kind of holiday.

It's more swimming in the sea as opposed to walking in a big forest.

It's more limping.

And that's okay.

And nothing's as bad as your bum.

Nothing's as bad as your bum, bum, which is sort of getting a bit better again.

Good.

So that's one all, actually, there, because there's stubbed toe and then acceptance of stubbed toe.

Oh, so you back up.

3-2 in overall, then.

Found my binoculars!

Where?

Are you keeping Tom?

They were under the printer paper.

Who are you staring at, John?

Birds, wild prey.

Oh, yeah.

But no, birds of prey.

Wild birds of prey.

My prey.

That's what we used to call it in the 90s.

No, I...

No, I'm going to take them to the jungle.

Right.

To look at bugs and insects and snakes and spooky guns.

What?

Is that alive?

No, living in the...

going to stay in the jungle.

Well, else did you find a newspaper with eye holes in?

4-2.

I also found my monocular.

But just the binoculars, because I knew where the monocular was.

The coffee subscription service I use have changed their packaging and the kilo bag is no longer sealable.

Oh, that

one guy.

Once you pop, you can't stop.

You've got to buy a blimmin' canister.

You've got to drink a kilo of coffee at a time.

And it will give you the squits.

What are you hold on?

So what?

Is that a kilo?

So we're at it.

What are they expecting you to do?

So I get kilo a month, right?

You've got to buy a canister, Dave.

I've got to buy a canister.

Just get a because you've got a plastic clip.

Do you want your coffee to go steady?

You absolute beasts.

What is this day?

Blue Peter?

Yeah.

Luckily, because I embrace stepdad energy,

because I back Britain, because I support the neighborhood watch,

you know, because I was in the scouts.

Because you're a peeping Tom.

I kept the old one

to store my plastic packaging in to take to the supermarket to recycle.

So I tipped all of that in the blimmin' bin and filled it with the coffee from the new one.

So I'm afraid it's one nil Robbins.

Obviously, the environment's taken a bit of a hit, but I'm just too short of time

because I save my plastic bags in other plastic bags.

We do this.

So that's one all.

Yes, that's one all, Dave.

Yes.

I was mocked for take it.

A listener to this show very generously sent in about

two tons of flapjack and rocky road yeah i was mocked for saving the snapbags that that listener send sent the no no flapjack and the rocky road in what i mocked was the absolute delight you displayed at the quality of the snapbag the quality of the snapbag i had not witnessed before no so obviously with i thought that's what it takes with my snapbacks my veins bursting with stepdad energy.

I thought they're good snapbacks, they are.

They're going to come in handy one day.

So you took them.

Mockery.

Mockery was met around the studio.

Yeah, so they're now acting as pretty effective dry bags for my valuables when I go abroad.

Who's laughing now?

How the mockie has become the mock her.

when my portable telephone, my keys, my vape, my backup vape, my backup to the backup vape are all kept watertight, even in torrential rain, which is forecast for 11 solid days.

Yeah?

That is a win.

Oh, yeah.

Who is safe in the knowledge that all of the liquids in his hold luggage are now protected from bursts and spills?

Are not going to leak.

That's right.

It's me.

The mocker.

The mock-ee, Dave.

I'm now the mocker.

Yeah, you're the mocker.

Well, I'm not mocking anyone.

I've just stopped.

I've ceased to be mocked, and you're now in awe of me.

So no one is being mocked.

It's good.

I'm mock-proof.

I'm mock-proof.

That's the good.

The delight.

It was...

But it's double delight.

It is double delight because you're very pleased with the Rocky Road, but the delight, the quality of the snapback.

Well, it's triple delight because I'm pleased with the Rocky Road.

I'm pleased with the snapbag.

And now I've got to use the snapbag, which means I'm pleased with the fact I was pleased.

It's just it didn't end after the show ended.

Oh no, The show ended.

Steve, Finnizzi and Michael were cleaning up and we were all getting ready.

And you were like, I've just never seen a brand like this before.

A double seal.

In fact, I could use them for the coffee.

Yeah, you could.

It's 6-3, John.

Well, got one more.

Oh, great.

Things have ramped up a notch with my regular fish and chip shop.

No way.

Yeah.

I've just reached a very special moment that that I used to get with landlords who I would sort of collect and charm

in order to access things like free pints and lock-ins.

Turns out.

Pub landlords, you mean?

Pub landlords.

Yeah, no, not.

Oh, not.

House landlords.

Yeah, not to lock me into my own house and bring me pints to my door, though.

I wouldn't have said no.

The last two times I've been to my favourite fish and chip shop, which has spiritual posters on the wall which chill me out.

And I do my crosswords listening to music on my headphones in the chippy.

The last two times I've been, I've ordered a medium cod and a medium chips.

I see where this is going.

What has arrived on the plate?

Double L.

A medium cod plus one.

The medium cod is bringing its partner to the party.

Little Johnny JR is having to make a little extra space for a free bit of fish.

How much?

Two cods.

Is that not too much?

I would want a double cod.

I had fish and chips yesterday.

It's a cod and a half.

They've brought their 10-year-old to the party.

It's smaller than a baby.

It wasn't allowed if you look at the invites.

Yeah, it's not a babe in arms.

Yeah.

Because we're not having babies at this wedding, which is the right decision.

Yeah.

And it's a decision you made, Ellis.

It is.

And you have children, so it's not necessarily an anti-children.

No, no, no, no.

And I think the parents appreciate it as well if they can source childcare.

Yeah.

But they were given nine months.

Yeah, exactly.

Both times, in fact.

Yes.

Because you get nine months to prepare the pregnancy and then nine months to prepare the wedding.

Anyway, so the cod, the medium cod, which is a sort of an average person in their 30s.

Yes.

Who's not a large cod, brought their 10-year-old to the party.

The party is my meal.

And I ate both.

And the guests are two pieces of fish.

Guests are two pieces of fish.

So I was essentially getting probably more cod than a large cod.

for the price of a medium cod.

Did you clear your plate?

Absolutely I did.

Apart from the little salad they put on the side.

Pointless.

Why is anyone having salad?

With fish and chips.

Yeah, madness.

Wow.

So there we go.

I mean it's seven.

Not a bad week actually.

Not a bad week, mate.

Seven wins to three losses.

Okay.

And that's the sunlight of the soul.

And that's why, yes.

And I'm limping.

Imagine 7-3 and I'm limping, Dave.

Yeah.

Speaks volumes about his resilience.

Dave.

Yeah.

What a tough guy.

Hey.

And none of those were that you're going on holiday tomorrow, which would have been my big win.

Nah, it's just too

filming.

Early start.

Yeah, dear mind.

I'm up at five most days.

Okay, so you've got to be there at 6.30, which means leaving the house

6.

Oh, okay, fine.

Well, that's not too bad.

That's fine, actually.

Okay.

I will just have to, if it's a complicated wordle, I will have to leave it for the airport.

And that's okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, that's perfect.

That's where you want to be wordling, surely.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I like.

I want to be bantering with Lou.

I want to be wordling in bed with my cup of tea.

Yeah.

Set aside an hour.

Often don't need the full hour.

Sometimes it's just 10 minutes.

You set aside an hour for wordless.

I have in the past taken an hour.

What?

It's never taken you an hour to do a word.

45 mins probably is the most.

Yeah.

Because I'm trying to work out every single word it could be.

Yeah.

it just feels like you say when your partners go away, you go to the pop.

It just feels like you're setting yourself up for disappointment because you set yourself unrealistic challenges.

Like, what?

Just every possible permutation word.

Just have a guess.

Well, I did today.

I did today.

I thought I'm going to whack in hippo because I'm young.

Double free.

Well, it was my third word, Dave.

Hinged.

Whack in me.

So I whacked in hippo.

And that, and that removed all the other possible choices.

So there it was.

Idiom.

Bold as brass.

Okay.

Got it in four.

Nice one.

Thanks, mate.

Okay.

Good.

Well, enjoy your holiday for lifetime you want, Bo.

That's good stuff.

Enjoyed that.

And we're back tomorrow, aren't we, with the Bureau, which is another...

Is there still a writer's strike?

That's the writer's strike, actually.

Because they're not being, they're worried about the use of AI.

yeah yeah yeah yeah and they're not being remunerated and I actually think that's fair enough and I

will not scab and I will not cross the picket line and so I will read two emails

yeah

great so back tomorrow we might eat our cakes might we we might go and get some cakes and eat them we'll have our cake and we'll blah blah blah we'll eat it yeah and then we're back on Tuesday aren't we thank you very much for downloading oh is that the end of the show is the end of the show are we going to non-doing mad duds oh i've got a good old that's a good old chunk it's a chunky chunky, chunky monkey day.

It's Chunksville.

Ooh, and there's a new vegan ice cream

called Bohemian Raspberry.

What?

Queen Edition?

No, in my freezer.

Is there?

Yeah.

Hold on.

Let me get the blummin' sheet out again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's 8-3.

Actually, there's two types, and one of them's lower calories than regular and tastes just as well.

On your deathbed.

That tally chart is going to make for very happy people.

Oh, and I think I've picked a song for my funeral.

Great.

It's called Visit Croatia.

Okay.

It's wonderful.

I cannot do eights.

Do you find eights tricky?

No, Dave.

I'm 44.

Let's have a look at your age.

Oh, it doesn't join up.

I can't do eights.

It looks like a skipping rope.

It looks like an ampersand.

It does.

Leither has a go at my eights.

Do you know what ampersand means?

I know what an ampersand means.

What do you mean?

It's the sign for an and.

Yeah, but what does ampersand say?

Oh, right.

No, I don't know.

It's a sort of a conflation of and per se and.

Cool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Same thing.

Is it a long flight?

It's like 10 hours.

Good luck, Lou.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

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