#442 - Tara Me Sue, More Pear Puddings and Dark Days in Denbigh

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Hello, everyone, and welcome to yet more Seat of the Pants broadcasting late night triple X Unchained.

This is Ellis and John's anti-woke agenda.

We go through all of the BS of GB

to give you some common sense.

It's common sense with Ellis.

It's common sense thinking.

We say it as it is.

Yeah.

Because we want cow town to the MSM, even though we're on it.

No, sir.

We actually quite like it.

Yeah.

Because that's how I pay my mortgage.

I love the MSM.

Dave, what do you think of that?

No, we hate the MSM.

Oh, yes, we hate it.

Yeah, rubbish.

Yeah, idiots.

Dave.

Look at Dave.

What's straw?

What?

No, not strawmen.

What's the opposite of a straw man?

An iron man?

Concrete man?

What concrete men are you going to bring down?

Yeah.

Sacred cows.

Concrete, sacred cows, yeah.

Cement, sacred cow.

That's what we do.

We destroy cement sacred cows, Dave.

Um, okay, I'm just happy to be here, to be honest.

Um, no, Dave, you're livid.

That's why I couldn't do all that.

It feels exhausting to be so angry the whole time.

It feels exhausting, but that's how you get 50,000 patreons, mate.

You gotta stir up a bit of anger for 10 quid a month, Dave.

Can't we just all be happy and relaxed and just get on and win Patreon wins?

Dave, who wants to be happy and relaxed when you can be angry and

remember when we were a proper country?

Ellis remembers when we were a proper country for 500 grand a month.

Dave.

Yeah.

Could you just cast your mind back a little further, Dave, to when this country made sense?

Cause we had it all and we let it go, Dave.

Let it go, Dave.

Because of people like you and your MSM ivory towers.

Do you remember, Dave, when Wimbledon, when the grass used to be burnt brown, when this country meant something, Dave?

Before they started watering grass?

Do you remember when the Benson and Hedges?

Well, when it could be called the Benson and Hedges Championship, Dave?

Yeah.

Yeah, or when the Snooker World Championship was sponsored by Embassy Warren.

Embassy Dave, where this country meant something.

Do you remember, Dave?

But people who cycled to work on their commute were considered to be maniacs.

Yeah.

Because I do, Dave.

They were considered to be crackpots.

Eco-warriors.

And eco-warriors chaining themselves to washing machines that were chained to trees.

Do you know what we used to shout at cyclists, Dave?

Right, Swampy?

Used to say that, Dave, when this country meant something.

Probably can't say that anymore.

No, because not enough people get the reference.

He must be in his 50s.

Oh, I'm sure he is.

I mean, we're nearly in our 50s.

Dave, how are you doing?

I'm good, thanks.

You look a bit confused.

Yeah, it's just trickier to keep

a steady hand on the old tiller when I'm 200 miles away.

Exactly, Dave.

Do what the NHS needs more of.

Meat cards.

Orange.

A lot of people would agree with that.

Yeah, yeah.

And also, we need to make more puddings out of pears.

That's quite French.

Alright, then.

I was supposed to show you true colours there, Alex.

Sponge and custard.

Sponge, condensed milk.

Yes, and I think it's about time we...

No, condensed cream evaporated milk.

Yeah, I think it's about time we launched our new initiative, which is to ban tiramisu.

Because we have plotted the fall of common sense in the UK with the rise of taramisu.

Are you saying tiramisu?

I don't know.

It's tiramisu.

Is it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, it's Italian for pick-me-ups.

Apologies, Ellis, if I don't pronounce it in Italian.

Yeah, I'm pronouncing it in British, actually, if that's okay.

Yeah, that's I remember.

Yeah, as yes, as in Teramisu, as if you're saying goodbye to your son.

I remember, Dave, actually.

I remember.

Yeah, I am.

Actually, because 500 grand a month, I want to earn 500 grand a month, Dave.

When

Milky Bars were made by Nestle.

Oh, Dave.

Do you remember, Dave?

I do.

Eddie became Nestle for some stupid reason.

Yeah.

Okay, can I have a go?

Because I wouldn't mind a bit of this cash.

Sure, then.

You're going to be really angry, Dave.

It's gotta be at something that doesn't matter at all that you've invented.

Okay.

I remember when blummin' wagon wheels were the size of a blummin' wheel and now they're tiny.

That's good stuff, Dave.

Oh, I'm in.

Now say something hateful about a different country.

Yeah.

Come on,

I won't.

I can't.

No.

Come on, Dave.

How is everyone?

How is everyone?

Dave.

Dave said anything nasty about the Dutch.

Come on, Dave.

I'm building back better for a better Britain, Dave.

Well, I've seen the listener maps, and we do have plenty of people listening in many other countries, so let's welcome them all with

a line.

Take me through them, and I'll give you a cliche/slash stereotype for everyone.

The Dutch, Dave, are stoners.

Okay, there you go.

How many more countries do you scared John?

We've scared John, Alice.

The French.

All right, mate.

Too much interest in cooking.

As do the Italians.

And the Spanish and the Portuguese.

Yes.

And the Germans, as long as it's sausage-based.

It's good stuff.

You can see, Dave White, it's so popular, can't you?

10 million quid a month.

Yeah.

So what have you all been up to?

I went to the Crystal Palace FA Cup.

Oh, did you?

Was that good?

It was a genuinely joyous occasion.

Well, I loved it.

My son found it absolutely fascinating that people were standing on top of bus stops to get a better vantage point.

He loved the fact that people were climbing trees to get a better vantage point.

My daughter's just got into crocheting and she crocheted throughout.

Did she really

down, just crocheting on her way to Sellers Park?

I think crocheting is back in.

Big time.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Because this country's gone to pot.

No, no, no.

That would be good, wouldn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because it's the past.

Yeah, we're going to crochet our way back better.

Yes.

What's she crocheting uh she's currently making a scarf oh and she is working it's constantly a lovely summer scarf a lovely summer scarf by the time it's finished because it'd be absolutely massive it'd be the winter uh dave have your kids gone through any strange old lady phases i crocheted at scouts did you yeah i got my sewing badge

i think it was it um i think tom daly was

largely responsible was he for the knitting and the crocheting scene that we're all enjoying these days yeah big time he made it cool again it was which i really like.

It's just great.

As someone who lives in the area,

the parade, obviously, South London is a very diverse place with people from all sorts of backgrounds.

Everyone has gone mad because they are fake up.

It is absolutely

a beautiful sight.

Like we were walking down, people had made posters, they were hanging them off the windows and all that kind of stuff.

People

coming out their doors and just cheering.

It was lovely.

Here's a question: when,

for example, your Newcastle United, your Crystal Palace, win something, and it's significant.

Yeah, yeah.

It feels significant, but it's the first time in decades.

Yeah.

How long does the sort of the celebration last and how long do the things stay up?

Well, in Naples, when they won the league for the first time, when Maradona was there, they partied for three months.

Wow.

There was that great sign written on

a cemetery, you don't know what you're missing to the dead.

I don't know.

I think there's still lots of bunting and stuff up and stuff in pubs in Crystal Palace and in Sellers and Thornton Heath and places like that.

So I don't know.

How long did when was the

first thing Man City won after their sort of big period in the lower leagues, Dave?

2011.

We won the FA Cup against Stoke.

How long did celebrations for that last?

I don't.

I just, it was probably just that.

In reality, I know that people kind of look back and they think about these big events.

They partied for three.

Did they really party for three months?

Surely you just go out that night and then you go, well, you go that night, and then also there's the parade.

Yes.

So that's that's that's the extent of the partying in the main.

So well done to Palace.

And producer Michael is very happy because he supports Crystal Palace.

And I've now got a soft spot for them because all the Palace fans I know I like.

They just seem to be a very friendly club.

Yes, but there's excitement and bunting up in the Ellison Johnson.

Well, there's not bunting, there's a a queen flag on a lamp.

But that, in many ways, tells its own story.

And the story is that we've got a guest coming up, so let's get him in.

Right, everyone, it's very exciting times here because we're going to play a special made-up game.

And in order to present us with our made-up game, it's friend of the show, raconteur, bon viveux, gourmand, yeah, gourmand, and snack hacker himself.

It's George Egg.

It's me.

Bye, chaps.

Hello, George.

Hello, George.

Now, longtime listeners of the show will know you from various elements.

You snacked hacks for us.

I've snacked hacks for you.

Yes.

I've definitely been mentioned on numerous occasions.

Thank you.

Well, you also did a made-up game where we had to taste dehydrated powder.

Do you remember?

Yeah, I do.

And it's not that dissimilar from...

I mean, it's not, nothing's dehydrated in today's thing.

But yeah.

I mean, in a way, today's one is a bit like we did then, a harking back to um

tick off a taste.

Oh, like on uh TV programmes when they do a sort of a roundup right at the very beginning, which is we're becoming quite nostalgic, and then sort of the it's actually I know it's not like that.

I wish I'd not started,

I just thought it was like tick off a taste.

Yeah,

I agree, I've gone mad.

Sorry, we usually broadcast in the morning, and I think we've all discovered I'm better in the morning.

I'm better in, I never thought I'd say this.

Well, now I'm better in the mid-middle of the day.

No, but that's when your snap,

your snap, your snap, no, your nap prison begins.

I've gone mad.

You've gone mad.

I don't have a nap prison anymore.

I've got post-lunch blues.

Oh, yeah.

But they don't happen here for some reason.

Progress.

It is progress.

They only happen when I'm at home.

So this isn't normal.

I just assumed this was...

No,

we're recording out of sync, and it has ruined everything.

Right.

So you're resting on this.

This is not your fault.

Well, I mean, I have got four things to try.

Yeah.

Yes.

You're not at fault and you have value.

Thank you.

Yeah.

You have merit.

George, we're going to be talking about your book, The Snack Hacker.

Which I can see here.

It looks absolutely beautiful.

And it was your son who did the artwork, wasn't it?

It was my son, Jem Ward, who,

of course, you're all familiar with in

this surrounding.

Oh, yes, because Jem

does the design for the Ellis James and John Robbins show.

Yeah.

There it is behind her.

Could you tell us about the book?

What is the Snack Hacker book?

So the Snack Hacker is, well, it's kind of changed.

So when I during lockdown, I started making, as you know, I started making the Snack Hacker videos, which I ended up doing some for

the Euros, Euros 2020.

So called still, even though it was 2021.

Yes, yes.

Yeah,

for you chaps.

And

in the videos I, as you know, create sort of little bites frequently out of existing food things.

So, you know, your sort of high street,

you know, burgers and pasties and that sort of thing.

But there's other things too in the videos.

And anyone wanted to do a book of it?

This here.

Yes.

That kind of tea that footballers in Argentina drink.

How do you pronounce that word?

Mate.

Mate.

So even though it doesn't have some, in fact, fact, there's a whole bit where I say at the end about how it's pronounced because everyone assumes it's pronounced mate because there's no accents.

Yes.

But it isn't.

But like it's pronounced Rome with Pate.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And apparently mate

pronounced the way that you know, mate pronounced mate means I've killed before or something like that in in Spanish.

That's what I was told.

So what's this in reference to?

Just thinking of the listeners.

Oh, sorry.

What are you talking about?

Mate is a kind of tea that is a stimulant, isn't it?

And it's the footballers drink it in Argentina.

Sexual tea.

No.

No, just like leaf tea.

Okay, yeah.

It's a kind of dry gray green looking leaf.

No, that's different.

No, no, no.

I was mixing the two of them up.

We need to go back to the start of the show when we were talking about what's wrong with a blooming cup of builders' tea.

Well, what my dad used to do is he would put Matte, which you don't ordinarily do.

Was he a a lip dam?

He was quite left-leaning.

They've come for our coffee, which used to just be Ness Cafe, and now they're coming for our Blamintes.

My dad was arrested when he was a young man.

Well, right.

He was on a

CMD march.

Was it?

And he had a lovely little story about being led into the court.

And there was this old guy who'd been arrested as well.

And he turned around to the policeman who was shoving them along and said to him, young man, remember, you are my servant.

So that's, yeah.

Wow.

So that's the past.

So, um, the mate, the mate is my dad used to put it in normal.

So, normally, you wouldn't put it in,

you'd only have you'd have it just hot water and matte leaves.

But my dad used to put it in with normal leaf tea, right?

Let me have a copy of the book.

I'm going to, I'm going to pick some recipes, George.

Yeah.

Uh, and you can uh tell the listeners a brief description of them all.

Okay,

baked bean dal.

Well, let's not do baked bean dull

just

Just because that, you know, who knows what's in the bag.

Mushy pea hummus.

Mushy pea hummus.

Okay, that sounds crazy, doesn't it, Alex?

Well, hummus made out of chickpeas ordinarily.

With tahini and lemon and garlic.

Yeah, exactly.

So my thinking was you could use other pulses.

So mushy peas, tahini, lemon and garlic.

And instead of lemon, malt vinegar.

Oh, and then you get, and it really, it's, it really works.

So it's a sort of chip-choppy hummus.

Yeah, exactly that.

And it really works.

And also, I'll tell you what's fab about that one is it looks, because it's pale green, obviously, it looks like guacamole.

And if you're having it in a taco with salsa and, you know, other meaty things or whatever, it makes a perfectly good guacamole substitute, far more moral as far as air miles and, you know,

fair trade and all that kind of thing goes.

Yeah.

Well,

one part I really enjoyed about your book, because it is stuff that people can do

is too many chips.

Yeah, yeah.

So you have a section for what to do when you've got too many chips from the chip shop.

Because I always think that there are too many chips.

You agree.

You say please don't.

We are a family of four and we get a large chips and it's enough for for all four of us.

Yeah.

Because there's too many chips.

There always is.

And also, but the thing is, if you ever do anything on social media where you say about leftover chips, you just have this torrent of people going, what do you mean, leftover?

But you do that with anything kind of gourmet.

You say leftover steak, leftover pastries.

Oh, there's never those.

Well, I have struggled with my three local chip shops to get a portion small enough for one.

Because John's on a chip journey.

I'm on a chip journey to try.

What I want is a tray of chips.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Right?

But I say, can I have a small chips?

And it's a large chip.

It is always large chips.

The large chips is a mega large.

The genius of the snack hacker is then

you keep those and then you use them the next day.

For example, in the book, we've got uh chip-chop tortilla, so using leftover chips to make like a Spanish omelette, but you could also do a bubble and squeak.

Well, so you can freeze them, you can freeze them and then just re in fact, there's a there's a chips, you can freeze chippy chips, and how do they taste when they're just light oven chips, you just put them on a tray, bake them in the oven again.

If anything, I think they're nicer because you get a bit more crispiness and

if they're looking a bit dry and kind of powdery, you could you could add a little oil or something never occurred to me to freeze chip-chop chips that's because you're it's because you're representative of broken britain is

wasteful people used to build like outhouses out of chips and you just throw them in

you just throw them in the local pond yeah yeah the chip ship actually that would work so you could feed ducks with them probably i don't know if you can are dangerous yeah it's one of those things isn't it where um like you shouldn't give hedgehogs

bread and milk

or coffee stimulated hedgehogs scolding hot coffee well um well done on the snack hacker book but you have brought brought in some snacks to make a made-up game.

So Dave, are we going to play the made-up game theme?

Let's play a made-up game.

And first of all, we do have a theme to play as always, a modern day classic.

Games, made-up games with John Robbins and Ellis James.

And Dave, the producer, is often the referee.

Or adjudicator, that sometimes based on stats,

or guessing obscure facts,

or listing words that start with the same letter.

You better

prepare for some listener-generated

content

with John Robbins and LS James.

This week we've got a very special contributor, George Egg who's going to be helping us with today's made-up games.

The scores though, on the doors, in the first game of the second set, it's 30-15 to John.

Of course, John won the first set.

He did indeed.

So now in the first game, he's 30-15 up.

And yeah, this week's game is from George and from ourselves.

Okay.

And it's called Crack the Snack.

Crack the Snack, indeed it is.

George,

how are we getting on basis?

I'm sure you can

he's got a electric drill out of the

electric heating gun

oh is it I thought it was a DeWalt drill it's a DeWalt hot air gun for stripping paint so it's a paint stripping hot air gun and I'm going to I'm going to walk something

out of sight so

in true snack hacking fashion George is using power tools to cook And he's about to do something which I'm guessing, Dave, a form should have been filled out about.

but I haven't done it because late night it's late night broadcasting for a better Britain exactly

so as the snack hacker I've been at work creating some snacks for you for the game you'll each be blindfolded and whilst blindfolded you'll be given a snack to try there are going to be four snacks you need to identify the ingredients in that snack okay i will give you the total number of ingredients

to

help you out.

And after you've had your tastes, you're going to have your snacks removed or re-kloshed.

Your blindfolds can come off and you can write down your answers.

There will be one point for each correct ingredient.

Okay.

Three rounds in total, although I did bring four things, so maybe we could do one as a tie break if needs be.

I'm going to get them because I'm really hungry.

Yes, hungry.

And by the way, when I say ingredient, I mean, for example, bread, not yeast, wheat, etc.

Salt and pepper don't count.

Okay, okay.

So do we do the first snack?

Yeah, go for it.

Go for the first snack.

And I've tried to make them kind of down in one kind of size.

Oh, great.

That's nice.

In this one, there are one, two, three, four, five, six, nine things.

And for the listeners at home, Ellis and John are currently eating the deep-fried pot noodle.

It's made from a chicken and mushroom pot noodle with added curry powder, fennel seed, aniseed, a random hot sauce, peanut butter.

It's been breadcrumbed and it's enjoyed with a sauce made of mustard and hot sauce.

That's lovely.

Is it good?

Yeah that's good.

Because I won't because of course I had to prepare these at home in Brighton and then travel 50 miles to London and then reheat them with both microwave and paint stripping hot air gun.

So

and then when you both think you've locked in all your answers, we'll go through them and see how many within the food you've managed to get right.

I'll be amazed if you get all of them correct, but it's about just naming as many as you can that you think you've tasted,

right?

Okay, let's go.

Time limit, I've only got

a job.

Okay, so are we gonna go

each player all the way through?

Yeah, I think each player goes.

Okay, off you go, John.

Carrot,

no, wasabi, no, mayo,

no, Flour.

I mean, there's going to be flour in there, but it's not really.

I mean.

I mean, is there flour in there?

There is flour in there, but there you go.

There's probably flour in everything.

That's the question.

Chili powder.

Uh.

No.

Peanut butter.

Yes.

Oh.

I've got like noodle powder, like a sort of pot noodle sachet.

I'm going to give you a point for pot noodle becausey mints

probably

but

do i say what what what it is yet not yet no because that was okay right okay well but hold on there well how many points have i got because there seemed a few either it's an ingredient or it's not

well i mean it's not in the i mean things in the list include include some of those things but they're a cover so for instance bread has you know well i was thinking more like curry powder for example okay wouldn't include chili okay but it's yeah i know it's tricky but it's half a point for chili.

I think, yeah, I think half a point.

I mean, I'm very loose when it comes to rules.

Okay.

Ellis, what's your list?

Number one, generic curry powder.

Yes.

Potato.

No.

Okay.

Onion.

No.

Okay.

Creme fraiche.

No.

Yoghurt?

No, but yogurt would be nice with it, but no.

Yes, egg yolk.

No.

No.

Well, I said it.

I mean,

I mean, eggs in there, kind of.

Okay.

Flour.

Are you doing flour?

You just throw flour in there.

You gotta get flour.

Yes, then.

But we both said flour, so sort of.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay,

I'll allow you both flour even though it's not on my list.

What was I eating, George?

It was lovely.

Can I tell you what it was?

Yes.

It's deep-fried pot noodles.

Oh, I wrote deep-fried down.

That's not an ingredient.

But I just wanted to be

done.

I said this is deep-fried, and I wrote it down.

You get it?

Thank you.

A bonus half.

Save for that.

Sorry, I forgot John.

Don't let John win for God's sake.

His bumbus giving in my head.

Don't let John win.

Apply basic common sense.

Let him win.

All right, I'm going to tell you what.

So I'm going to tell you what's in there.

So what I did, I took a chicken and mushroom pot noodle, which don't worry, it's not, obviously, of course, they're all vegetarian anyway.

To that, I added some curry powder, some fennel seeds, some aniseed, some random hot sauce.

Okay.

Some peanut butter and then the whole thing was breadcrumbed.

So to breadcrumb it, I guess you do get egg, yolk, and flour because you flour egg breadcrumbs.

Then it's deep-fried.

And then the sauce was just the mixture of mustard and hot sauce.

Lovely.

So that was number one.

I thought the topping was wasabi mayo.

There was something cooling about it, which I assumed was either yogurt or creme frache.

I couldn't tell.

Well, I mean, I guess the mustard and wasabi.

I mean, a lot of wasabi is very mustardy, isn't it?

I mean, it's just horseradish and eggs.

My pens stopped working.

I think I got three.

Ellis, what did you get?

I only got curry powder.

Debut

and flour, so two, yeah.

You are keeping screws.

And I get a moral half point for saying that it was deep fried and actually writing it down.

Nope, no, no, half point there.

Yeah, a moral half point.

It's just between you and me.

This evening, yeah.

Thanks, Dave.

John got flour, peanut butter, and I think, did we say we were giving him noodle powder?

Yeah, because there definitely would be noodle powder in there with the noodles.

Yeah, that's fair enough.

So that's, yeah.

Okay, shall I go and make the next one?

Yes, please.

All right.

Is it I3?

Is it I covers back on?

Yes.

I covers back on.

I did write down deep fried.

And Sid.

And Sid.

I'll draw down Sid again.

I'm ready for round two.

Right.

Here we go.

I'm going to declosh, first of all.

Here come the closhes.

Okay, the closhes are off.

Before you reach, gentlemen,

it's almost like

a little taco.

So if you kind of try and gather it up.

Oh, yeah.

It's a little soft.

So there's a there's an ingredient straight away, isn't there?

Whoops.

But

and then I would say say I'd attempt all in one if you can it might be tricky

But you want to try and get all those flavors at the same time and while you're wondering what's in there We are looking for one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve ingredients

But I think for the gameplay just just pick as many as you can I am but I'm trying I'm

really trying to concentrate.

Okay, sorry I just enjoyed the first one and it affected my gameplay.

This is lovely

Alice and John are currently eating baked bean dal.

This is made with lightly rinsed baked beans.

Added to this is turmeric,

garlic, ginger, garam masala, chili, butter, coriander, whole cumin seeds and it's topped with raw onion, fresh coriander, cornflakes, chili and mint.

And it's served on a small taco.

One of my fondest memories is when we did the dehydrated food thing at the live show in Brighton.

And I dehydrated some baked potato skin.

And Ellis smelled it and said, it smells like an old guitar case.

Which was really accurate, though, as well.

Okay.

Are you ready?

You there?

Yeah, I got 12.

Okay.

12.

I've got seven.

Okay.

Okay.

Shall we start with Ellis this time?

Yeah.

Ellis, away you go.

Parsley.

No.

Totilla.

Yes.

Onion.

Yes.

Raw onion.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I could taste that.

Curry powder.

Garamasala is in there, so I'm going to say yurry.

Yeah.

That is a type of curry powder.

It's more finishing one.

Raisins.

No.

Okay.

I wonder where the sweetness is coming from.

I've written curry powder down twice.

Lime?

Yes.

What the hell?

That was

my ones.

John, what have you got?

Lettuce?

No.

Cabbage?

No.

Cornflakes?

Yes.

Yes.

Oh, that was.

That's what the crunch was.

It was cornflakes

with stuff on.

God.

Lentils?

No.

Tacos?

Yeah.

Curry powder?

Garamasali, yes.

Chili sauce?

no.

Carrot?

No.

What's all with this carrot?

Well, because there's like a salad in there.

And there's lettuce on Ellis's cloche.

It's not lettuce.

Just because it's green, it's not lettuce.

Red onion.

Yes.

Raw.

Baked beans.

Yes.

Is that what they want?

That was what the main bolt was baked beans.

Anything seasoning?

No.

On sesame seeds?

No.

Okay.

So that was

my baked bean dull.

Oh, Oh, it's wild garlic, isn't it?

No, there's no wild garlic in there.

Soaked in that, George, because I loved that.

You're not big on baked beans.

No, I have baked beans today, so I've double-beaned.

So what I did with that, again, a similar thing with the mushype hummus that we talked about earlier, of thinking, well, dal is like a, you know, a lentil dish.

What other pulses have you got?

People will frequently have tins of baked beans in their cupboard.

That's perfectly usable.

And also, again, I like the flavour of baked beans but you don't want them overpowering so for that one what you do is you put the baked beans into a sieve you give them barely a rinse under the towel but hardly but you keep most of the time but you just want it off just to take it down yeah rather than off completely then they go into a pan with turmeric uh garlic and ginger is cooked down and then you make this uh i can't remember what it's called but it's where you fry garlic and cumin seeds in butter with a bit of chili and then that goes in at the end and then uh there was yeah raw onion uh coriander.

Coriander is what it was.

Cornflakes mixed with chili powder and mint.

That was delicious.

It was tasty, wasn't it?

So I got five, Ellis got.

I don't know what.

Four.

Ellis got four.

You got five in that.

Yeah, Ellis got four.

Yes.

So the scores on the doors at the minute are John has eight, Ellis has six.

So Ellis, you're still in the game.

That's nice and close.

As we go to round three, you're only two ingredients away from pulling level.

Do you know what?

This is a bit like mindful eating because it's forcing me to eat slowly.

Yes.

So I'm not.

I mean, I ate a portion.

I made Sechuan prawn and baked tofu last night that could have fed a platoon.

Shall we de-klosh?

De-klosh, please.

De-kosh, de-klosh.

These ones aren't hot, these are cold.

This one has one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight ingredients.

The final dish is a tahini croasel.

It's made with a stale croissant, which has been halved, soaked in date syrup, a tahini cream made of butter, egg, flour, sugar, and tahini.

There's cinnamon added.

It's been sprinkled with sesame seeds.

and icing sugar.

What are you...

You can't tell me what you're getting.

Are you enjoying them?

It's pudding it tastes orthodox

But I know that it isn't so that's what's thrown me hmm because if you gave this to me I'd say

she just made a nice pudding Well, I know it's gonna be made of like you know I don't know exhaust pipes or something

Okay, how many ingredients are we looking for?

You're looking for eight things

I'm saying things rather than ingredients because one of the main things is you know

things is a good word.

Yeah.

And Ellis needs to be three points clear to win, or he needs to be two points up in this round to draw.

Okay, I've got eight.

Great.

Ellis?

Five.

Okay.

Yeah.

Right, are you ready for my ingredients?

Okay, I'm ready.

Good, John.

Ellis, have you stopped?

Yes.

I'm just going to say them with my mouth.

Cinnamon?

Yes.

Sesame?

Yes.

Pastry?

Like rolled-out phyllo pastry or

no.

I mean, yes, pastry, but not rolled out phyllo pastry.

All right, well, my first answer, which is pastry.

In fairness, I've also said pastry, so yeah.

Let's give it a try.

Shall I say a pastry, as in a something?

Well, one of the ingredients I've said is fig or fig rolls.

No.

Icing sugar.

Yes.

I didn't write that down because I kind of, yeah, I just did.

I forgot to.

Butter.

Yes.

Peanut butter?

No.

And tahini yes tahini how the hell did you get that the taste of sesame

fair play to him good what have you got ellis pastry yes coconut no but coconut panel would go very well sugar

yes i mean i didn't write sugar down because i thought it was so kind of a given but yes go what you want baked almonds

no but this is this is it this is interesting carry on

this is very interesting And then because you're the snackaka boot polish.

Well, there was very...

There's a darkness.

Is it some kiwi boot polish?

Yeah.

Similar consistency, actually, as well.

So are they pano-fig rolls?

They are basically

what you would do to make an almond croissant.

So it's a stale.

That was the vibe.

That was the vibe.

That was the vibe, and I couldn't get away from that vibe.

So it's basically an almond croissant, but instead of using almonds as the core nut, it was using sesame in the form of both tahini, so I was going to stiff

in the form of both tahini and sesame.

So I got the ingredient you were eating.

Yes, exactly.

That's incredible.

But then when you said it feels orthodox, you were just thinking this is an almond croissant.

Yeah, it just felt like a nice pudding.

I didn't think you'd made it up for...

I couldn't work out what

the unconventional ingredients were because it tastes like a good pudding.

I mean, that one is slightly less unconventional than the others, apart from the fact that, you know,

it's, I guess, a lot of the ethos of the book is about being resourceful and about, you know,

tasting delicious.

So that's, it was, I'll tell you what it was.

So it was a stale croissant cut in half, soaked in a date syrup, which is where you've got the fig roll kind of flavour coming on,

then a tahini cream made of egg flour, sugar, tahini.

and a butter and then some cinnamon in there and then sesame seeds on top and a bit of icing sugar.

You're a genius.

I am a genius.

Do you want to try the fourth one?

Anyway,

because it is good it is all right you don't have to have blindfolds for this because shall we just tot up and work out that john who's won well john i john you must have very well done john started to peel away in the final round and you've actually got 13 and a half points to ellis's seven and a half in the end

so you flew ahead i gave you both half a point for pastry because it felt like you were close but not bang on with yeah i mean i think if you say oh did you buy any pastries

then the then pastry would be correct.

But if you said, did you buy any pastry?

Yes.

Then you'd say, No, I bought some pastries.

So that was quite like the snack.

Sorry, Varney.

I just want to say that's the thing that's always irked me slightly: is in the chef world when people say,

when it's pudding chefs, and they say, Oh, you're really good at pastry when they've made like a sorbet.

And I always think, Well, that's not pastry, but it's a language thing, isn't it?

Should I go and get the last one?

Get the last one, please.

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Oh,

that is, yeah, so that is, it's another down and one.

So, this is, I'll just tell you what this is.

Too low.

I can tell you why you're chewing.

I thought you'd like that.

Tell me what it is, because I can still see mine.

So, it is a play on a thing called a schnitzel alleholstein, which is a, ordinarily a veal schnitzel, which you have with a fried egg, fried capers, and anchovies.

And so, what it is, it's a tiny,

it's my popcorn chicken a la Holstein, but snack size.

So, it's popcorn chicken.

It's not chicken, it's you know, vegan pretend thing, uh, uh, with anchovy, deep-fried capers, and a soft-boiled quail's egg.

And then,

yeah, and then there's um, a little bit of a lemon mayo in there.

Superb.

It's a good mouthful, that one, isn't it?

I'm all hot from running around.

We got you, big jumper on.

I know, but I've got my, the top I'm wearing underneath is far too tight to uh

oh my god, so nice.

You've got runny yolk going on well

what'd you say nord

well on that note of quail's egg and anchovy and deep-fried caper thank you very much george for coming on the snack hacker george egg and check out george's cookbook the snack hacker can i give you a present before before i come off air always i've got to get could someone pass it to me

and the capers combined with the soft boiled with the yolks

boiled quail's egg is an unbelievable taste experience.

I would have that every breakfast for the rest of my life.

I think the problem with something like that and why something like that is great.

Yeah, thanks.

Something like that is great.

Oh, sorry, I keep knocking your mic, Alice, because it's there near my right hand.

Why those sorts of things are great if you have them given to you or in a restaurant or something?

Pain to make.

Is you just go, well, no, no.

I was going to say, is that then you go, well, I've had mine now and I can't have any more.

The problem if you were doing those at home is you would inevitably eat 12 and then go, I never want

again in my life.

Yeah, I've got John uh Robbins a present.

I feel bad I haven't got you a present now.

Oh, don't worry about it.

I'm anyway that was a present, wasn't it?

I'm quite well adjusted.

And also, you haven't lost your uh condiment selection, have you?

Good point.

So I've got a box of and it's it's a really good selection.

I'm gonna I'm gonna take the lid off and slide it over to you but there's some really good stuff in there.

Oh, yes, have a look.

It's spicy brown mustard.

It's some classic on top, soy.

The sauce.

Queso dip from Burger King.

That's from Burger King

on Grand Canary.

And it's like the most over-processed cheese kind of, you know,

balsamic dressing.

Balsamic dressing.

Oh, I love this.

Yes.

Well, that's the one that we had

when we went for the walk.

And you've bought me this before, the Tijin.

Well, there's another.

I love that.

I hope you've finished it.

A little Marmite.

Oh, thank you so much, George, for replenishing my condiment bag.

There's a lot in there.

You've got this Tabasco in there, and you can call that custard.

No, that's Japanese Mayo, the really fat, the Cupie Man.

The really fancy one, yeah.

From Japan.

Friend of the show, Tom Crane, his favourite drink is custard.

I don't mind that.

Oh, my goodness.

Sorry, wait a minute.

I'm just going to have a little look in here at the page on milkshakes because I've got a page all about making milkshakes and they're all made.

Look,

what's the core ingredient of all of them?

Oh my god, you've custarded a tinned custard.

That's fantastic.

Because if you think about tin custard mixed with milk, mixed with some other, you know, some cocoa or some strawberry jam, whiz that up in a neutra bullet.

And it's just a wartime milkshake.

It is.

Well, George, thank you very much for joining us.

Take care, love you.

Bye.

Love you.

Bye.

Tastes are nice.

Okay, well, it's goodbye to George, and it's hello to all of Wales.

What are some things that can be done in 60 seconds?

Brushing half of your teeth, 30 burpees, boiling a kettle, and if you're lucky, making a connection with the Welsh.

It's time for the Cymru connection.

It's another Cymru connection.

Ellis thinks his tactics are sheer perfection.

But his questions have one direction.

Where did you go to school?

Do you know Daffy Levins?

No.

Come on, mate, you must do no.

We've never

met

at all.

The football season may be over, but the connecting season keeps on going.

There's no end of season holiday for our Ellis James, just the grueling prospect of making connections all summer long.

Are you not doing a tour of like Japan, a sort of off-season tour?

Yay of the Far East.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm hoping to sell some shirts in Japan.

On the plus side, this relentless schedule means that Ellis constantly has the opportunity to redeem himself.

If his stats start to slip, which they have, he can go again.

You're only as good as your last connection, and there's always another connection to make.

I connected in the bar queue at Lou Sanders' show in Hackney, and it took me less than a minute.

Ellis's connection rate currently sits at 45% which I believe is an all-time low.

Could this be the week that the redemption of Ellis James begins?

We have a caller on the line from Wales.

Hello.

Hello.

The next voice you hear will be of Mr.

45% himself, Ellis James.

You have 60 seconds, sorry, to connect with him.

Your time starts now.

Where do you go to school?

St Michael's and Lethby.

Oh, okay.

How old are you?

39.

Roger Griffiths.

No.

Michael Griffiths' son.

No.

Come on.

Sorry.

Okay.

Carrie's from Catatonia.

No.

My mother?

No.

Okay.

Well, if you went to university, where did you go?

Nottingham, Trent.

Okay, what do you do for a living?

I work in marketing at a local college.

Where do you live?

Liverpool.

Okay.

Do you know my friend Jimmy Roberts went to university in Liverpool?

No, no, no, sorry, Dafton Alley.

Grove down.

Where did you grow up in Fletchley?

Uh, like Hendy, Ponte de la.

Ah, my friend Claire Roberts.

No.

Oh, come on, she lives in Margate now.

Emir Wynne, the famous Estadvod singer and actor who was friends of my dad at school.

My mum knows him, but I don't know him.

Hendy, Hendy, Hendy.

Nigel

Owens, the rugby referee.

Well, yeah, I've heard of him.

No.

Oh, my goodness.

oh my goodness man name after name after name after name

were you quite antisocial

no i've got a very complex history alice okay yeah that was like an that was like a sort of a

you know when they do dating shows for people who find dating hard and it's like you know ask them questions

don't just fire 30 names

60 seconds man it's not a normal conversation i know but it it was just quite funny because you just kept saying names.

I mean, if we were...

Sorry, what's your name?

Belinda.

There you go.

The dating expert would say open with that.

But I haven't got time.

Belinda doesn't give me any clues.

So do you want to go?

Yeah, do you want to go to Barrafundle Beach and get on the Sun Lounger?

Yes.

But Belinda can help me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, let's go into the Sun Lounger.

Okay, Belinda.

So you went to Nottingham, Trent.

You grew up in Hendy.

You're 13.

Well,

The university is the wrong alley to go down.

Yes, absolutely.

Do you know Fordy?

Matt Ford?

No.

Vicki McClure?

I don't know her personally.

That's fine.

Hendy.

What primary school did you go to?

See, I went to primary school in London.

This is huge for me.

Sorry.

I went to the City of London.

Okay, that's fine.

I have an idea.

Am I allowed to?

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Okay, great.

You're on the Sun Lounger?

Um so Car Moore Cardiff

Moore Cardiff.

Did you live in Cardiff, did you?

I dated somebody from Cardiff

who might know you.

Gareth Bale.

Who might know me?

What did that person do?

Well, so your your best mate is Rodri, right?

He doesn't know me.

Rodri Viney?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So he released a split EP with my ex-boyfriend when he was at Teflon Monkey.

Who was that then?

Sam Arnold.

He used to be in a band called Mountain Men Anonymous.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Do you know him?

Yes.

Well, I remember.

Well, actually, I remember Mountain Men Anonymous, but I actually don't know Sam, I don't think.

But that would still have been a connection.

A split E.

A split EP.

A split EP.

That's the ultimate connection.

Are your mum and dad?

Are your mum and dad from Hendy?

My mum is from Hendy.

Okay.

My dad's from Borryport.

Your dad's from Burryport.

Can I ask how old your parents are?

Born in 1956.

Okay, where do they go to school?

The Gram.

The Gram, the Gwendroff Grammar School?

Clethy.

Sorry, I made a guttural noise.

Well, we found a connection.

We have found a connection.

The other thing I want to say is I wrote into Radio X about nine years ago, kind of preempting this feature.

Did you?

Well,

I couldn't believe that I didn't know you because we've got a lot in common and like that, but I just couldn't find the connection.

Yes.

I mean, Lehli Grammar School.

Oh, God, if only dad was here, he'd be this would be.

But you've when did you realise there was a connection with the split EP?

Well, when I started dating my ex-boyfriend and I knew about his band and stuff.

Because that's

because Rodri hasn't gone in.

Rodri

hasn't gone under the name Teflon Monkey for a very long time because the makers of Teflon threatened to take him to court, even though he was a folk musician from

the due to a threat from the makers of Teflon.

Unbelievable.

Belinda, are you in a relationship now?

That one didn't work out?

Yes.

No, this one's working out fine.

Great.

Yes, me too.

Where do you live now, Belinda?

I live in Liverpool.

Oh, yes, you said that.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

So thank you for Liverpool Connection.

Very much for your call.

I fear we are heading to to 44%

success rate.

It's not your fault.

It's not your fault.

How valuable.

New matter, Billy.

New matter.

Wales matters.

Wales matters.

Connecting matters.

Do you want to hear my lead trundle story, Alice?

Whoa.

Okay, yes, you may.

About three months ago, I started this new job in the local college, and one of my colleagues is from Highton.

Oh, yeah.

So you will know Lee because Lee's from Highton.

Yeah.

So I uh she said, where are you from in Wales?

And obviously as you're Welsh, you sort of say Swansea because it's like the nearest place to Henry.

She's pride and you say, come on then.

Well, okay.

Sure, but you know, she's from here, so she doesn't really know.

And

she was like, oh, I used to, you know what?

I used to date a footballer that played for Swansea City.

Oof.

And I said, who?

And she said, Lee Trundle.

And my mind exploded.

Does that work?

Because I know Lee Trundle.

Maybe.

Hmm.

I wouldn't have got

the Novelli protocol, is that?

No, no, I've been I've cycled to Newport with him.

I well, his friend, but Belinda doesn't know Lee Trundle.

But I don't

know him.

Also, we've already got the connection because it's the split EP.

Yes, yes, that's an unsatisfactory.

I feel unsatisfied because Belinda's from Hendy.

I'm sorry.

No, no, hey, you have value, Belinda.

I can't say it another time.

But we really do have to go.

Thank you so much for your call.

Thank you, Brenda.

We called you.

Thank you so much for picking up the call, taking part in the feature.

And

oh, dear, dear, dear.

It's dark days.

It's dark days in Denby as Ellis James fails to connect for another time.

Maybe we need to tweak the format.

Well, the format was fine.

Until Ellis failed to be able to connect people.

We need the equivalent of training ramps, like on bowling alleys.

Yeah, it just shows that it's real and authentic.

That's true.

Because I am fallible, and I know.

Yeah, when Derby struggled to get many points at all in the Premier League,

they didn't tweak the format of the Premier League.

They just let Derby get relegated.

Problem is, there's no relegation here.

No, so it's.

I'll just die.

Endless.

It's endless failure until death.

I'll die on 0.04% connection rate in a thousand years' time.

Everyone will wonder if it was just a evil dream.

The ultimate finality to a feature.

But it was a great connection.

I enjoyed the connection.

Yeah.

If you'd found that in the wild.

Oh.

They'd have been celebrating for three months.

Yes.

Well, thank you everyone for joining us.

We're going to snaffle a few more snacks and we'll be back with you very soon next week.

Bye-bye.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

I'll connect until death.

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