#441 - Full Fibre Content, Ladies Lashathon and Taking a Mini Retirement

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Hello there and buckle up because there's a late night feel to tonight's recording.

That's right.

In the mid-1990s, when Chris Evans was on the Radio One Breakfast Show, you got the feeling that anything could happen.

Late at night.

Late at night.

On the breakfast show.

On the breakfast show.

No, because he was a crazy

broadcaster who is at his best in the morning.

I am at my best in the evening.

you are i think that that's tbc t very much tbc i like to think of it more as the late review oh okay mark lawrenson jermaine greer okay tom paulin yes they're going to dissect the latest cronenberg film yes the latest jonathan fransen novel the latest tracy em in exhibition okay because i was going to go wild and wacky crazy oh my god let's push john down a big chute in a swimming pool no no no no no it's very much more talking about um references to colonialism in Salman Rushdie's latest work.

That's the vibe.

Can we combine both?

Can we push you down a shoot where you're holding the latest copy of Salman Rushdie's work?

Yes, we can.

Yeah, yeah, let's do that.

I think that's better, because then that's for everything.

That's for everyone.

A sort of TFI late review

where Bush play in the background.

Yes, absolutely.

How are you, John?

Well, we should explain the setup because Lazy Dave Masterman is lounging around in his home in Cheadlehume taking the day off, putting his feet up and having the kids wait on him hand and foot, aren't you, Dave?

Yeah, no, no, not at all, actually, John.

But I always do have a...

a little bit of guilt when I'm not there in the room with you.

You know, having

experiencing the magic in person.

But there are a few factors on this Tuesday evening, which has just meant I can't quite get down to London.

Who's Dave on the late review?

Have we got Bears in to provide

just an alternate view?

Dave is Keith Allen.

Yes,

Keith Allen.

But with a discernible talent.

Which is audio production and being an on-air voice.

Yes.

Yeah, you really don't know what you're getting with Keith Allen.

You know what you're not getting?

He wants to Sunday brunch with Izzy, and

Izzy was doing Run of the Sour Theatre, and he said, Yeah, yeah, sure, I'll come down.

And Izzy said, Great, when?

And he went, I'll just come down.

And she went, Yeah, but when?

I need to put you on the door.

He was like, Yeah, I'll just come down.

She's like, Yeah, but it's sold out.

I need to put you on the door.

I'll just come down.

And then he never came down.

Of course he didn't.

But I like the idea that he could just breeze in.

King Soho, 1985 to 1992.

Sorry, all of our references are.

We've yet to steer later than 96, I'd say.

We've yet to hit a Blair era reference.

I know, that's a shame, isn't it?

All right, the Claxons.

Dave,

what are you doing, dear?

I'm going to put Big Light on first of all, John.

Can you just put the Big Light on?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Think of the socials, Dave.

There we go.

There we go.

It's actually Big Lights, isn't it?

Because you've got the spotlights in your study.

Is that your study?

Yeah, it's my office.

My office, Alice.

Very nice.

So, Dave, you you were talking about factors, and then we told you you were Keith Allen,

which is Lily Allen's dad.

Yeah.

For the Gen Z early millennia lot.

Vindaloo was a banger.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I'd accept that.

I think we do need to accept the fact that Vindaloo was a banger.

Yes, I'd accept that, Dave.

I accept that.

Good.

Factors.

Hannah...

selfishly has swanned off to Ibiza.

So she's on night four of

A Lady's Trip Away and having the time of her life.

A ladies' lash-a-thon.

It's a ladies' lash-a-thon.

And to the point where she did text me this morning and say, I think I just want to come home now.

I miss the kids.

It's day four and I'm tired.

Dave has been

close enough to your mouth, is what I'm thinking.

It is, but I've been told to keep my head far away from the camera.

The sound quality is more important than the

video.

It's a tricky combo.

I'm not a big new dark as in Izzy Works on the show, not my wife.

It's a directional mic, isn't it, Dave?

And you're not directing at it.

I mean, I'm four centimeters away from it, John.

It sounds alright to me.

I'm not entirely sure.

I think it's because Andrew meets he's in the big room.

That's true.

So she wants to come home.

Hannah wants to come home.

But

it's been a tricky four days because then, in the midst of her organising a trip to Ibiza,

no, in fact, she had organised the trip to Ibiza, fully expecting me to then be in charge of the kids for the three days.

Yeah.

But I got booked to a blummin festival, didn't I?

On it as a blooming DJ.

And you need to earn some coin.

Well,

you phrased that, Dave, in a slightly convenient way.

You got booked.

Yeah.

Which suggests you didn't play a part in the process.

You accepted an offer while Hannah was away, would be perhaps a fairer way of putting it.

Oh my gosh.

Caffin Aq C's on the shelter.

Yeah, I didn't have to say yes, but I was always going to say yes.

That is the problem, right?

Is where the music is.

You're a yes, man.

So you've put a spanner in your own works.

Yeah, I have.

And the grandparents have been roped in.

And

in fact, in added factors, there was also, I went to a funeral today as well for a good friend's grandma, which was a service that I didn't want to miss as well.

So there were a couple of big things in play here, which meant

Cheadle Huyoum is my broadcasting centre for this evening.

Dave, your mug branding is off.

off.

John's Dave.

Dave's got a Radio X mug.

Come on, man.

Sorry.

Think of the socials, for God's sake.

So obvious where your heart lies, Dave.

It's a Chris Moyles Road Trip mug sponsored by O2.

Go on.

Why didn't you go and produce Crunch and Crumble on Radio X, Dave, if that's where you really want to be?

John got it right again on Friday.

We went to see the fantastic Lou Sanders

from her show at Earth in Hackney.

It was great.

But we went for a Peruvian meal

a couple of hours before the show.

I'd never had Peruvian food before.

John said they're just great at meat and fish.

I thought, yeah, but how great.

It was life-changing.

I'm a Peruvian now.

Ellis is a Peruvian now, Dave.

I could not believe what I was tasting.

It was ceviche?

Yes.

Or ceviche?

I don't know.

Don't care, actually.

I just give me more of it.

But

it was, and the food was good.

John got that right.

He walked us to the restaurant.

We got there a minute before we meant to be there, and I thought that was very deftly done.

No, it was very stressful.

Oh, you didn't appear stressed.

You just appeared quiet.

Yeah, because the food was late, because they forgot our order.

I could read it through the theatre of the waiters' discussions.

Yes, yes, but the food was nice.

It was nice, but it was late, and that meant I was worried about getting to the gig late, and it meant we couldn't all sit together.

Yeah, but you wanted to stand at the bar anyway to be cool.

I did.

So it was fine.

I had to sit sort of curled up in the sort of fetal position because the seats are so uncomfortable at Earth in Acne.

Well, there aren't any seats.

No,

they will allow you to rent a cushion.

I think there has to be a better option than that.

Yeah, i.e., cushions.

Cushions, cushion of any man.

Yeah,

it's not my favourite venue, but it is my favourite show by my favourite girl.

Absolutely.

Friend of the show Any McGraw persuaded me to do next year's Hackney Half at about midnight.

So I'm going to be doing that now.

Oh, great.

Well, it's half of what you're doing.

I'm half of the money.

And it happens two weeks before.

Great.

What a waste of my time.

I won't mention it.

Dave, can you sack Ellis?

What, for what?

Stealing half of my thunder.

Exactly, half your thunder.

Oh, what a waste of time.

How's John Ellis?

Is he okay this evening?

He's bad.

He's bad, Dave.

He's worse now.

He's worse now.

I've just had bad news.

Well, it's not bad news because it's Ellis doing something fun, probably for charity, and it's probably making himself.

He's a thing as me two weeks before me.

Don't mention it.

Good.

And don't you dare earn a penny.

Okay, fine.

I am absolutely physically defeated, is what I am.

Are you doing the Huggy Me Half in May next year?

Well, that's mentally defeated me.

Oh, come on, me.

I mean, I would never say this, but build some resilience.

I better cancel my Iron Man then.

You better cancel your Iron Man.

My friend Richard asked me if I was going to do the London Marathon because he'd misunderstood our socials, I think, obviously, that you're doing it.

And I said, no, although my friend Arnie persuaded me to do the Hackney half at like midnight last night.

And he said, oh, half is easy.

Marathon's hard, but half is easy.

I did a half in Berlin.

Last year, I'd had eight pints in a kebab the night before, and I ran the whole thing with diarrhea.

Oh, good gracious.

So I'm just going to turn up.

He's persuaded me that it's very easy.

He's convinced me.

Just to manage expectations, Alice, half marathons are not easy.

Well, that's what Richard said.

He said, don't worry about it.

You'll breeze through it.

I found the half maybe harder than the full one because

you just get a bit excited.

You get a bit too excited.

You can really.

I won't be getting excited because I won't be allowed to be because John's big day is two weeks later.

I'll be running in front of it with a sign saying, do not cheer.

Yes, do not mention it ever again.

And I won't.

That's no filming.

It's under embargo it's under embargo it's under embargo john why are you mentally defeated uh physically defeated physically i did so on uh what day is it today we're recording this on monday yesterday i did murph

which is the uh one of the annual crossfit hero workouts um where they do these sort of special events often to honor uh servicemen and women who have died in combat or uh members of the police force or the or the fire fire service and that kind of thing.

What's it stand for?

Murph is the name of the soldier.

Oh, right.

That's his nickname.

And so every year on the bank holiday, you do this workout and it has drained me of all my resources.

So it's a mile run.

So you're tired.

No, I can't really move.

Okay.

It's well,

I'll tell you what the workout is and then you tell me if you think it's a good idea to do it when you're sort of still recovering from intimate bum procedure surgery.

Ah,

it's a complicating factor.

A complicating factor is a mile run.

Okay, I've just realised it's Tuesday.

Yeah.

Yeah, you did this yesterday.

Yeah, yeah, you did this yesterday.

So it's a mile run, 100 pull-ups.

Okay.

In what time frame?

Just under an hour.

Okay.

200 press-ups.

Okay, all those quite hard.

And 300 squats.

Oh, in another one.

And a mile run.

Another one.

Okay, a mile mile run at the end.

Yeah.

Yeah, so you're tired.

Yeah, I'm tired.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And in quite a lot of various different types of pain.

Okay.

And then I had a PT session today, which was a bad idea.

Yeah, what happened?

Come up with by a bad man who is me.

What happened there?

I just had to do some more training for my running.

Well, I'm now not going to do it.

I'm going to go within's, John.

You should be feeling sort of triumphant.

Yeah, but I've been.

This is the lowest I've seen you since you were on your side because you were bleeding from the back passage.

That's what's happened.

Well, it's obviously a reminder of that trauma with the pain I'm currently in.

But also every...

It's soreness, isn't it?

It's not pain like that.

Oh, no, in some ways it's pain.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're in the bad zone.

Okay.

But I can move my arms now.

That's good.

Yeah.

Just sort of experimenting with moving my arms a bit.

That's great.

John's doing a very sort of limited dance.

Because Dom's is quite small.

I think quite well.

It's quite a nice stiffness, isn't it?

Yes, I like Doms.

When you're stiff due to too many press-ups or squats,

in normal muscle.

Dave, have you ever done 100 pull-ups and 200 press-ups and 300 squats?

Yeah, but I've been sore.

Yeah, it sounds so.

Yeah, but

it's different gravy.

is what they say.

Yeah, it's different gravy.

I did the pull-ups for the first time.

I'd never been been into them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That is impressive.

Yeah.

Not all in one go, though, right?

Surely.

Well, if you're a top super hunk, you do them all in one go.

We partition them so it's you do five, ten, fifteen, twenty times.

Yes, that's sensible.

That is sensible, yeah.

Yeah.

I reckon you could do it.

I'll do it now.

I reckon you could do it.

I reckon I'll do it now.

Because that's a kind of crazy thing that happens on a late-night recording event, John Smith.

I forgot we're on a crazy late night recording.

Yes, it's crazy and late nights.

It's crazy.

It's mad, isn't it?

Oh my god, I'm going to take some poppers.

I'm going to smash this glass in my eye.

Yeah.

And then I'm going to, I don't know, I'm going to

set fire to a s very small piece of paper.

Yeah.

What do you think about that, Dave?

You can't do anything.

You're in Manchester.

There you go.

I'm going to kick over the bin.

There's nothing in it.

We're the first recording in the studio.

It doesn't matter.

The studio did qui it cost quite a a bit of money to make, so try not to bash yourself.

Oh, yeah, do you want to see Colo?

Well, the viewers can't see Colo.

No, I know, but you can't.

I feel you need it, John.

I feel you need it.

That's a lovely, lovely little pussycat.

Do you know how placid he is?

He's so placid, he's just staying there with his big whiskers, Dave.

I could hold him like this for 57 minutes.

Good shit.

And he wouldn't move.

He would just stay here.

The doms would be fine the next day.

Oh, and he's got like a little sort of lion's mane.

Yeah, he's a good lad.

Good lad.

Good lad.

Make him sound like he's good value on a stag.

He's a good lad, my cat.

He's sort of the earth.

He always gets the drinks in.

Yeah.

So, yes, we're pre-recording this as we were all pre-recorded.

So it's the same.

Yeah, we're just pre-recording on a different day.

But on a different time.

Yeah.

Usually it's 11 too early for a mad cup man like me.

Yeah.

This is, oh my god, it's what?

It's 18 minutes past six, for God's sake.

So what are we doing now, Dave?

We're doing the World Heritage Accent.

Oh, yes.

Yes, it's time to pit the great accents of this mad place we call the world against each other.

Right that.

In Ellison John's World Heritage Accents.

Mississippi.

Belfast.

Laurel Kirk.

Boston.

Winnipeg.

Commavencha Brackett Rural.

Wise Japanese.

Ellison John's World Heritage Accents.

Yes, people come from different places in the world, don't they?

And everyone's accent is different, but which accents are the best?

Which are UNESCO?

We're on a mission to work it out.

Each week, two of our favorite accents are chosen to go head-to-head to find out which of them will achieve World Heritage status, but not UNESCO anymore.

Why is that?

I think you should say UNESCO.

I think that some people at the BBC don't want us to imply that UNESCO are involved in the speech because they're not

due to a threat from the makers of Monopoly.

I think let's plead ignorance, not forget, not forget, whichever way around that went up.

I would laugh so much if the BBC got sued by UNESCO that it would be worth it.

I'd actually pay for the legal representation as much as I could myself.

Yes, yeah, yeah, I'd tip in.

So far, we have Mississippi.

I'm not as good as you.

I only have one copy of Queen and Cornwall.

Noel West.

I'll tell you what, with an accent like mine, you'd let me look after your rabbit.

Glasgow.

Just call Addie up your nose, man.

You told her, man, they don't understand what you're saying, man.

You've just got the idea.

But I've just seen that, man.

I could be calling you Edna.

I could be seen it.

And Sunderland.

I didn't want to muck them to do it again.

Look, I just wouldn't want the bands to gun through it again.

Yes, a few weeks ago, we drew two accents out of the hat to go head to head.

They were Durham and Glennethly.

But I'm afraid we stand in uncharted territory and international waters.

Yes, absolutely.

We are looking potentially at our first buy.

Yes,

this is a late-night, crazy crazy show.

Anything could happen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Damon Albarn could just smoke a fag in the studio.

Exactly.

And I might swear because I've been bought a nice pair of shoes.

Yeah, like Sean Ryder.

Yes.

So representing Clenethly, we have Scott Quinnell, Welsh rugby legend, who started his rugby career playing for Glenethley Jr.s at just aged eight.

Now, Klinethly is my choice.

There was only one voice that fitted the bill when Lenethley was drawn out of the hat.

He's a friend.

He's got a fantastic voice.

Scott is on the line.

Hello, Scott.

Gentlemen, how are you?

Nice to speak to you.

I'm found now to not speak normally and because I haven't got an acc obviously I haven't got an accent.

I want to I want to share the Klerchy accident accent with the world.

And it's it's one of those now where it's it's like when somebody asks you to walk when when you're being filmed, you end up doing the walk of do you know

So, I'm not quite sure whether I put my posh voice on or I just go back to Schneider.

If I talk too quickly, you won't understand me.

And if I talk normally, then you probably won't understand me as well.

Can you be misrepresenting Schnechli?

So, talk to us like you talk to your brothers, I think.

Like you were in the house.

Greg, go get me a pint.

Okay.

That's

that type of thing.

Yeah, no,

it's one of those things where

when you're working.

By the way, boys, I love the show.

It's absolutely incredible.

i i listen i'm i'm a avid uh listener three times a week three times a week and uh it's absolutely brilliant what you do and you're bringing people together and i think why why why why why

scarlet as national i i i accept your compliment but john is in john's bum is sore so he's unable to accept any compliments i've been i've been you will know this scott i've been physically defeated by exercise i currently hate exercise and think it's a bad idea.

Well, you're a year out from running the marathon.

So, if you don't like exercise now in a US time, you're going to absolutely hate it.

Yeah.

You know, park PBs are brilliant, and you know, and your PBs with your weights

is absolutely fabulous to do.

But, you know, when you go through your third pair of trainers in training, then you know, it's gonna, that bum is gonna be, is gonna be in a far darker place.

This bum has been to places so dark that you wouldn't believe it, Scott.

You don't know the places that bum can go dry.

You're going to be an elite athlete.

You're going to be running with some of the great runners, some of the big rhinoceroses, some of the big, big bens.

Just don't let the guy with the diving belt and boots speak here with us all.

Here's a question I've wanted to ask you for a long time.

Well hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Because Scott, I mean, I like your accent, but I would like to be able to make the case for Durham.

Unfortunately, for the first time in its storied millennia history, Durham has let us down.

Yeah.

Durham actually contains a UNESCO World Heritage Site.

Yes.

Durham Cathedral.

Yes.

And it's fully deserving of its UNESCO status.

I would like to make the case, Scott, that Durham's accent is worthy of UNESCO World Accent Heritage status, not brought to you by UNESCO.

Well, I'll tell you what, then get somebody on the phone that can do it for you because if they can't be bothered to turn out,

you know what I mean.

I love the guy and I love his attitude.

Because Leneck is only 10

miles from where Ellis was actually brought up, then, you know, and the way the

connection is going lately, we need to give Wales a boost.

We need to give Wales a boost.

That is a great point.

And because of that, I said

if he doesn't get this win today, Ellis could be a little bit like Doctor Who.

He could be fading into the background in South Africa from being Welsh.

And

we'd have to bring him back into Wales.

We'd have to repatriate him.

Like that bit in the Boxer's Fifth Church when he's staring at his hand and it's disappearing in front of his face yeah yes I've got to see because you've been you've been in London too long yes you know what I mean

do you know enough people in Wales you know that that's we'd have to take you around and put you on the road shows where you've got more connections this is the problem so I had a chat with and she said don't worry Scott

I won't phone in I'll give you a buy and the podcast will be going bigger and stronger than ever.

Don't worry, the Cumbry Connection will be back on track.

I will give you this win to give Ellis the boost that he needs.

And she's just a wonderful woman, and that's what she's done.

God, you can't have talk.

He's a radio presenter.

He's a radio presenter.

It's incredible.

And what I love is that

an element of the Hlinethli accent that it goes very fast and then on certain words, it really slows down.

Yeah, yeah.

It's quite extraordinary.

I wanted to ask you a question, Scott, because I remember you've been interviewed when you were playing for Wales in the early 90s.

And then obviously you went North to Rugby League and you played for Wiggin.

And to my ears, your voice hasn't changed at all.

But it is a strong Cletley accent.

When you were playing Rugby League, did you get any stick for it?

Did people not understand you?

Is this something you thought about?

No,

I was lucky because I went up there and

all the boys called me SQ and that type of thing.

And they couldn't call me Taff like normal people go if you go to another another club because the groundsman was called taff

because he was from north wales so i was very lucky i got away with that and and they didn't understand me half the time you know if and my wife nicola she came up obviously with my my young daughter and after after a year and a half because my daughter was only she she learned to talk really up in wigan she by the time we came back to uh back she was uh she was a northerner you know she my my father would actually forward her up just to have a chat with her right boy yeah how's it going pray Pray nothing again, good, right?

Put Sam on.

And then she talked to him in Wigan for the next sort of half an hour, which

was absolutely fabulous.

So, no, but the only problem I did have there is every time we wanted to order a Chinese or Nicola wanted to go and pay for something, then I would have to translate for her.

So, so and even to today, because he worked for two years in Wigan, even for today, she says, Can you go and forward a takeaway?

And I said, Well, you phone it.

You know, you know, they don't understand me.

And it was nice to know.

We're living in Wales man we live in Wales

well Scott I don't want you to think that it's just by default that your accent goes through because you have given us

such an insight into the lilt

you have

how far is um clinethly from

in Carmarthenshire it is the biggest rival town to Carmarthen in Carmarthenshire it's about 12 miles away so my dad grew up very close to where Scott grew up, so dad sounds like Scott.

Well, Scott, I would like to personally award you with your UNESCO

World Heritage Accent status, but I want you to make a promise.

I promise.

I want to promise.

No, well, I've got to be honest.

Wales haven't.

Wales rugby haven't won for 17 months.

So this is the, you know, the citizens like play for us.

i want you to take the inevitable um media attention that this award is going to bring to you and hlinethaly to take hlinethley back to the world stage yes yes yes to bring money back into the welsh economy and to put a smile on the face of every young welsh person absolutely thank you so honestly this this means so much because you know to go into a nesco you know it's it's

officially in a unescale it's unesco's gone a bit dead, but we are saying that's what we're saying.

That's the line that we're sticking to it.

Dave, you've only got one job to do.

Get it in UNESCO.

And it's absolutely fabulous the fact that we beat the All Blacks in 1972, 19 Straddy Park, and then now, all these years later,

53 years later, we are finally, finally

seen for what we are.

Yeah.

Wonderful talkers.

Yes.

Pillars of the World Accent community.

And we reached Australia 39 in 1992.

I was at that game.

Oh, did you play that?

No, I actually tore my knee ligament a couple of weeks

before that.

So I sat in the stand with you with four cans of Ellen Valle and half a bottle of whiskey.

And we had a wonderful afternoon.

Well, thank you so much for joining us, Scott Quinnell.

And I'm delighted to confirm that Ghanethle is UNESCO.

Dior vow, boys.

Diorchity, Scott.

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So there we go.

Another accent in the display cabinet at UNESCO's headquarters.

But we've got to pull another one out of the bag.

Well, we've got to pull another two for next week.

So producer Michael, in Dave's absence, is going to pull two balls from...

one from each bag, one from Ellis's bag, one from my bag.

What have we got, Michael?

We've got Rural Cork.

Rural Cork.

Rural Cork.

Okay.

Interesting thing to source.

That's an accent we have a little bit of familiarity with here.

I mean,

I'm not sure.

If we can't source anyone, John will do it.

I will do it.

I will represent the people of Rural Cork.

Versus Belfast.

Versus Belfast.

Wow.

The island of Ireland is going to be so well represented next week.

It's going to be an interesting showdown.

We're going to source some top accent havers

to have on the show next week.

And I just can't wait to find out which is UNESCO.

Yeah.

Brought to you by UNESCO.

Yeah.

UNESCO.

Okay.

Which is an acronym.

Yes.

Was it an initialism?

No, because that would be U-N-E-S-C-O.

What like if it's UNESCO?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's become a word.

Yeah.

Great.

Great stuff.

Okay.

Let's take a little deep dive.

I think the DOMs is wearing off.

Oh, that's great.

Do you know what it is?

You've perked up because you've listened to Scott Quinnell talk.

Do you know what people have?

It's the movement in the voice.

Yes.

His video for my friend's father-in-law, who retired from Chester Zoo, was absolutely fantastic.

And unlike some, he's not on cameo, so he didn't charge me a penny.

Oh, that's very nice.

He's just a good boy.

I'll send him my code.

Let's have some correspondence.

Ellis, what have you got?

This is from Russell.

Hello, guys.

Compelled to write in after Ellis told the story of a shoestring cricket stag at Ken Clark's Curry House where he sat next to Jonathan Wilson's financial advisor.

A better anecdote than that makes it sound, but yes, that is it in a nutshell.

There could not be a better summary of my plans for my own stag than a shoestring stag.

I've been to so many that involve costly trips abroad or just unnecessary and unwanted grim activities that everyone is too hungover to enjoy.

I love my friends, but I'm not going go-karting in Lisbon.

No.

And that perfectly sums up, I think, the modern stack.

It asks too much.

Hens as well.

Go go-karting in Reading, if you live in Reading.

And if you like go-karting.

Yes.

I went go-karting in Bournemouth.

Did you?

Yes.

On my Frederis' stack.

For my stark, me and the 18 men in my life went to my parents' house to do a weekend of party games, a murder mystery, and a pub quiz that lasted for seven hours.

Whenever it comes up in conversation with any of them, a warm, wistful look appears in their eye, and they say, To a man, great stack there.

Long live the shoestring stag.

That was the thing with Wilson's.

It did it cost me very little

in the grand scheme of things.

I got into the old free.

There was a discount on the curry.

I had a couple of pints, and that was it.

So you're looking at twenty a twenty-five pound stag, dude?

It was something like that, yeah.

Incredible.

I mean, yeah, fair play to Jonathan, a fair play to Russell.

Um, this is from Frank in Stockton on Tee Tease, which he describes as the place that smells of fags, because I always say it smelled of fags when I went to Stockton, and it did.

But I think I might have just been standing next to one of those very big ashtrays.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wherever I went.

Yeah, yeah.

But he says, do bear in mind the friction match was invented there.

Okay, okay.

Fair enough.

Hello, my lovely lumpy chicken wraps.

Thank you.

In a weird way.

I'm emailing to sip some advice from your fountain of wisdom.

I gave up alcohol 21 months ago.

How long is that?

Nearly two years.

Well done.

Whilst there was no particular reason for me doing this, I'm still immensely proud of my achievement and wish to

continue eschewing the devil's elixir indefinitely.

However, a bunch of friends and I are all embarking on what can only be described as a holiday.

I'm aware that, as drinkers, have you seen that clip of Phil Neville not knowing what a holiday is?

Gary Neville,

yes, yeah, yeah.

And he calls

many retirements

in the

diary of a CEO podcast.

And the thing with that podcast is it's the sort of podcast that you think, well, I can't just call them holidays.

I've got to call them mini retirements.

Yeah.

It's very mad.

It's very funny.

He doesn't even like weekends, Gary.

I suppose he works at the weekend because he doesn't even call them weekends.

He has their mini retirements as well.

He has eight mini retirements a year

where he goes to a foreign country for the weekend.

Anyway.

but when you retire at 50 if you if you manage if you manage that you you that will be a massive retirement that's no that's retirement okay

going to Lisbon Friday to Monday is not a mini retirement it's a city break

I feel for him because he's trying to sound clever and like he's got some kind of crazy new solution to life but also I think he does have a crazy work ethic and I think he probably doesn't like holidays so he has to call them mini retirement yeah Yeah, but he's had a crazy work ethic since he was a teenager.

It's done.

It would be a nightmare to claim his state pension Friday to Monday.

Yeah, eight times a year.

Yeah.

However, a bunch of friends and I are all embarking on what can only be described as a holiday.

I'm aware that, as drinkers, they will want to venture out into the various bars of Lanzarote on those warm volcanic evenings.

However, as a non-drinker, I'm not sure what to do.

Do I stay at home?

A very nice villa, no less.

Do I go out and embrace the nightlife?

If I do go out, what do I drink?

I'm not big on soft drinks and I've never tried the alcohol-free stuff.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I don't know if I can see why I might be the person to ask for this, but you would not catch me in a bar in Lanzarote with 17 other men.

But you have 13 other men.

But

you're saving it for your retirement.

You would never do

a mini retirement for three days.

Well, I went to a wedding on Saturday and I didn't drink.

And there were lots of people drinking.

And I drank

what they called

mocktails.

I had a couple of nojitos.

And I really like a nojito.

And I really like mocktails, actually.

And it mixes things up from, you know, things like Lucky Saint and non-alcoholic lager or whatever.

Um I guess it comes down to knowing those friends, whether going to a bar in them in Lanzarote has any sort of value for you

outside of booze.

I would bars.

I would go.

I really would go because they're your friends.

You might leave a bit earlier

because I find if I don't drink and I go out, that I thoroughly enjoy myself, but I stop enjoying myself a little bit sooner because people get a bit boring and people get a bit.

And also, maybe pick a bar or a strip of bars that's near a beach or somewhere that you can go for a little time out.

That's not as full-on.

And I would probably book a taxi in advance early for yourself to come home a little bit earlier that you can cancel if if you're enjoying yourself.

Although also, you will, you know, you're not going to have a,

you're not going to mess up public transport because you'd be sober as a judge.

Yes.

And just remember, you always have the right to leave any situation, any scenario.

I imagine it's enjoying it.

Is it quite nice to

maybe, as a little trick, look forward to something in the morning as well that you know you wouldn't

get up to do

if you were if you were drinking.

So I work, so my friend Jamie came with me to this festival in leeds over the weekend what jamie jamie walker yeah jamie good friend of mine um and he didn't drink he's he does he doesn't drink so he didn't drink on the saturday night and he stayed till the very end so we were still up at two two having a pizza in the in the hotel and he was still there just enjoying company of his friends but what was really nice was when we met up with him the following morning when we rolled out of bed at nine half nine ten he had already got up at eight and had gone for a lovely walk around leeds had grabbed a coffee had got a bagel and i was like i am really jealous of that morning he's had.

Yes, that's it.

So is that a good thing to look forward to the night before?

So go, I'm going to go out with my friends.

I probably will leave a little bit early, but hey, I cannot wait to do that thing that I can probably actually feel quite smug about doing the following morning.

Yes.

It's a great idea.

The only thing I would say is make sure before you go on this trip you've got a single room.

Yes.

Because of the noises that come with drunk men.

Well also if you've got something planned for like going to a local cafe or something or going for a walk up to some ruins at seven in the morning.

That's quite early for ruins.

All right,

midday ruins, but whatever.

Like, you don't want to be woken up at three when they all get back.

Four when he gets into bed,

six when he's snoring.

And the noises.

And the noises.

You want single occupancy for an extra 30 euros.

Yes.

I would agree with that.

But

you definitely shouldn't stay in the villa while they're all going out, I think.

Frank, I would stay in the villa.

While they're all going,

but you do you and experiment.

Play with it.

Play with your body.

Play with your body.

You've always got the right to leave.

Yeah.

It's just the body.

Play with it.

This is from Sarah or Sarah in Hertfordshire.

During university holidays in the 90s, I worked as a chambermaid at a posh hotel.

Best job ever.

If hungover, tired, or even just a bit bored, I'd lock myself myself in an empty room, stick the telly on, and have a nap.

Oh, that's a skybing.

Yeah.

All jobs should come with napping quarters.

Love the pods, Sarah, in Hertfordshire.

That sounds fantastic.

When I was young, especially when I was a student, I was often tired or hungover at my jobs.

I would have loved to have been able to have a little sleep.

That would have been fantastic.

Yeah, I've often wondered how the schedules of

chambermaids and room cleaners in hotels work.

Because surely someone knows that the rooms haven't been cleaned, or is it just kind of like knock yourself out?

It can't be knock yourself out.

I've got to stand because my body is freezing up and I can't cross my arms anymore.

My watch has just told me that it's time to stand.

Stand up and stand up and move a little for one minute.

Dismiss

God.

Oh,

feel better.

No.

Yeah, a little bit better.

Have you taken

paracetamols and things?

I never, ever, ever think to take painkillers when I'm in pain.

Isn't that mad?

I should have just taken some ibuprofen.

You must have been doing the dark times, though.

Oh, God, yeah.

With Tramadol

and stuff that you inject.

Cool.

Right, shall we have some mad dads before we say goodbye?

Big time.

My dad, when he brought his first non-stick frying pan, kept the instructions and stuck them on the wall next to it.

Actual real wooden clogs

and set about eating what must have been north of 24 egg canopes.

He then proceeded to empty 40 litres or so

onto the timber and strike a match.

Dance a mad.

That's a mad.

Dance.

Okay,

we've got our first mad dad of this week.

You can send yours to ellisonjohn at bbc.co.uk.

This is fantastic.

This is from Mike.

Oh, I love this one, yeah.

Hello, my little darling buds of May.

I have a mad dad submission.

A few years ago, my dad purchased a beach hut.

It was, as all beach huts are, essentially a glorified shed.

However, my dad was determined to turn it into a wonderful little retreat by the sea.

He decorated it and then set about furnishing.

finding an old pine dresser that seemed perfect for the space.

After painting it duck egg blue, he asked me to help him stress the dresser to give it an antique feel.

Now, I assume that would involve knocking it here and there and sanding away some of the new paint.

Oh no.

First, my dad asked if I could help him drag it down to the water's edge.

Dragging was a key part of the de-stressing process apparently.

He then said we needed to throw it into the ocean to give it that washed up look.

After heaving the dresser into the oncoming waves, we then had to try and retrieve it.

Fighting against the tide, which seemed determined to claim the furniture for its own, trouser legs and trainers soaked through, we eventually managed to get the dresser back on the beach.

We're not finished yet, my dad then announced, before hurling large stones at it as if it were a medieval adulterer.

I can only imagine what passers-by were thinking.

To be fair, the dresser did look suitably de-stressed.

A few months later, my dad sold the beach hut, fully furnished, including the dresser with the sale.

Total madness.

All the best, Mike.

That's classic Mad Dad's because it's a short-lived project.

Oh, yeah.

Dad has gone all in on.

Yeah.

Also, why would you...

Have you seen a beach hut?

You know, they're like...

They are the size of a shed.

They're also insanely expensive.

Why would you put a pine dresser in one?

Yeah, yeah.

It's your base six.

It's an odd choice.

It's like a shed if you had an allotment.

You know, you're not going to put...

You're not going to furnish that, really.

Those beach huts, it amazes me how expensive they are.

And they are really small, but I suppose you have got somewhere to store your tellers, you know, whenever you want.

Yeah, I don't.

I just want to use a carrier back.

I don't really see the point of them.

This is from Danny.

Hi, fellas.

I want to throw my hat in the ring because I'm mad daddy, but I don't know if it will pass muster given the exceptional quality of anecdotes listeners have submitted to date.

For context of this story, I am my dad's personal IT assistant.

I think everyone is their dad's personal IT assistant.

Everything IT related from printing to protocols and internet to iPad lands on my doorstep.

My story concerns my dad's email in the world of Hotmail, Gmail, AOL and CompuServe.

My dad insists on having his own personal domain name for which I pay for every two years.

I like those.

I like the yeah, sort of John Henderson at johnhenderson.com.

Yes.

Unfortunately, the domain provider he has does not have outgoing mail, only incoming.

So he has a completely separate paid-for service for outgoing email only.

Yes, that's right, he pays one company to send his email and a completely different one to receive it when the big providers are free.

How is that even possible?

Needless to say, the number of passwords, IP addresses, and email gateways are all over the place.

So we have no idea how any bit still works.

It is a literal digital house of cards.

and he only has emails set up on his laptop and tablet but not his phone

every two years when i get the notifications of a new world i beg him to set up a free email service but he insists it would be too much hassle too much hassle too much hassle he knows what he likes i bet the people who work for those email server companies are like how have we still got this one guy using it we're desperate to close this down definitely yeah given that in all of this it is i that has all of the hassle.

The irony is astounding.

Love the show, Danny.

Thank you very much.

Well, there you go.

That's towards the end of the show, folks.

But there's always exciting content coming down our content pipes, isn't there?

Yeah.

And our content pipes have just been upgraded to full fiber.

It's full fiber content.

And that includes Bureau de Change of the Mind,

which

the great writer of our era is taking another week off.

So we're going to be opening up some books.

Because

writers get tired.

Writers get tired and take on projects that they can't complete.

It's a mini retirement, isn't it, George?

It's a mini retirement.

Dave.

I mean, Harper Lee didn't write another book after Killing the Mockingbird for decades.

Exactly.

He's got writer's block.

Whoever it is.

Whoever it is.

And it comes and goes.

And also, next Tuesday, we've got friend of the show, George Egg.

Oh, well,

one of the great friends of the show to talk about his new book, The Snack Hacker, and to play a made-up game.

Bye.

Goodbye.

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