#440 - Beefcake Alert, The Lust King and Producer Dave’s Handsome Surprise

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Hello, you're listening to Ellis and John.

Thank you for your company, and you're joining us in what is a very relaxed studio today.

But why?

Well, the reason we feel so relaxed is that inspired by my kids' primary school, I decided to make us all celebrate Global Arts Day this week and get in touch with our creative side.

Sadly, Dave was too busy being reprimanded by the BBC for the graphic sexual content of Help I Sexted My Boss's social media feed to take part.

So he delegated this artwork to his best friend Degzi,

aka Cheadle Hume's greatest living artist.

And didn't Degzi deliver?

Ignoring my request to use the art pad I'd sent him, Degsy spray-painted Dave's three favourite things onto the side of Stockport Stockport Town Hall.

A microphone to represent content, a blue moon to represent Man City because Degsy thought the badge was too tricky, and to show where Dave gets all of his feature ideas, a big question mark smoking a spliff.

That would work.

Yeah.

I submitted the painting I did with my daughter this morning of waves crashing onto the rocks, but Adrian chose to make a more political point.

Due to an ongoing crisis in the part of West London he lives, Adrian created a haunting piece depicting the people of Chiswick drowning a dog mess.

Unfortunately, such as the BBC's commitment to balance from its most high-profile presenters, after a telling off from Tim Davy, Adrian was made to go back and draw thumbs up and smiling faces on 50% of the people he painted, encouraging art lovers to come to their own conclusions about dog mess.

John, of course, took a different approach.

Unlike more conventional artists such as me or Dexi, John regards his body to be its canvas and sent me a nude selfie of himself covered in the crazy dog daubings of Podcasting's world's fertile mind.

After studying the selfie, I asked John why he seemed to be so excited, and he told me they'd just been told that his local test scored an offer on his favorite brand of heavy-duty drawstring bin bags, and it's just the way he was made.

I did once do that.

What do you want about?

I once wrote lyrics on my body and took photos using the camera on my first ever MacBook.

How is this still new information?

Eleven years in.

I don't think I think I've definitely deleted them.

I would like to think so.

Who are they for?

The Instagram carousel, that's who.

I do remember the photos you took with Russell Howard with your topless but wearing leather jackets.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They ended up on your MySpace.

They did.

I forget that.

No, I don't know why I did the...

They were, I think, a private sort of ceremony.

I'm not sure what it was for.

But they'd have, you'd have had to have...

Because of the way the camera works on a laptop, you'd have had to have have written them backwards.

No, I think it flips it.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Whose lyrics?

That's a very good question.

Well, it's going to be one of the biggest lyrics.

Meaningful lyrics.

Natasha Beddingfield.

Yeah, Natasha Beddingfield.

But

it's going to be John's Big Four.

It's going to be Van Morrison, Queen, Bonnie, Prince Billy...

Or Zappa, isn't it?

It wouldn't have been Zappa lyrics.

It would have been meaningful lyrics written in Biro on my torso.

Good lord, what was it?

What on earth was happening?

I've just

thought about that for 15 years.

And did you show

anyone?

I wonder if I saved it in my files for potential future projects.

Byro as well.

Get a Sharpie on it.

Oh, yeah, they were there for ages.

Oh, were they?

I wonder if I've got them.

I mean, this is mad.

We can't two weeks in a row me unearth disturbing photos from my past.

Oh, we can.

Because we popped the old.

Do you see the batik on the carousel?

Yes, the batik got a lot of love on the carousel.

If anyone wonders what the carousel is, we do talk about the carousel a lot.

What is it, John?

It's a rotating post of videos, images, and photos from the show.

Yeah.

And it's like a sort of a match of the day of Ellis and John.

Yes, and if you follow Five Live's Instagram account, and sometimes BBC Sounds as well, actually.

Yeah, because they're consistent.

Yes.

So, yeah, you see the photo of the batik on our carousel, but I don't think I'll put the photos of the lyrics on my torso.

So.

I could recreate it.

Were you drunk?

Potentially, yeah.

Were you in love?

Potentially, Dave.

Though, where do you draw the line between love and infatuation?

Yeah.

Yeah, I struggled with that.

He's the absolute lust king, John.

The lust king.

That could be the future project they were going to be used for.

Yeah, John is the lust king.

So, a a biro, because the thing with a sharpie, sharpie's permanent.

Yeah, yeah.

It would have come off eventually.

You have to wait for the skin to shed.

Yeah.

Yeah, that could be a long old process.

Yeah.

A biro, I suppose.

Yeah, but it's quite thin and scrolly and spidery, isn't it?

Yeah, but that was all part of the allure.

Yes.

That only God could see.

Yeah.

So, yeah, it would have been haunting lyrics.

What if you'd like agreed to go swimming or something and forgotten, and then you're in in the changing rooms and you've got a lot of Fan Morrison lyrics biroed onto your chest?

Then I'm just pushing more boundaries.

You know, I'm challenging more perceptions.

Yeah, and the leisure sense.

And yet you

remain untattooed.

Well, I think maybe I was thinking, what would it look like if I got lyrics tattooed all over my body?

I'm so glad I didn't do

it.

Because sensibilities change.

Oh, yeah, and taste changes.

Exactly.

You'd run out of space.

There are lyrics I really loved 15 years ago that I would want nowhere near my body now.

Give it away, give it away, give it away now.

I'm a Barbie girl.

Yeah, you don't want that across your flanks, do you?

When you're just discovering camera and winter in 2025.

There must be.

Where's the space for your camera and winter lyrics?

There must be chili peppers tattoos up there.

Oh, hundreds of thousands.

Yeah.

But what form do they take?

Oh, scar tissue.

A lot of scars with scar tissue run underneath, I would imagine.

Yeah.

Californication.

Scar your thigh.

Blood, sugar, sex magic.

Anthony Keedis' autobiography is very interesting.

Yeah, so

it's very good because I'm not the biggest Chili Peppers fan, but it's quite an interesting life if you're into that kind of 90s LA vibe, which is very much.

If you're into Californication, absolutely.

And plenty of people are.

That's a good album.

Californication?

Yeah.

Wow.

Okay.

Yeah, I used to listen to that a lot in the mornings.

Yeah, okay.

No.

I was going to say, it would affect your mood.

No, when I was in my late teens.

Okay.

I think they were good back in the day.

Okay.

Anyway.

So there you go.

Well, Dave,

speaking back in the day, we've got an opportunity for a bit of time travel now.

And that's fine.

So we're back in the present.

Okay.

And that's good.

It's always good to be present.

That's interesting.

We've centered ourselves now.

Do you know what I learned this week, Dave?

Yeah.

The body has no future tense.

And I came up with that in my mind.

What's it mean, crucially?

Well.

The body has no future tense.

Well, I was thinking.

The physical manifestation of your body.

The physical body has no future.

In that, your brain can live in the past.

You're down.

No, I'm up because of this realization.

Your brain can live in the past, the present and the future.

Yeah, yeah.

Right.

Whoa, I did a terrible thing yesterday.

I feel sad now.

Of course.

And I will continue to feel sad tomorrow.

Yeah, what if my pipes burst again?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Whereas the body obviously stores sense memories from the past.

It feels it as it is now, but the body doesn't have any sense of the future.

No.

So if you're worrying about the future, all you've got to do, drop into the old bod, where the future doesn't exist.

Although curiously, it's it's an odd thing that happens to performers before they do a big gig, they often become incredibly tired.

Yes, but that's the brain

knowing that the body, it's the brain giving the body a future tense.

I think Alan Davis has a bed in his dressing room for his tour shows, and Whitticomb takes a duvet-on tour with him for that reason.

Well, in many ways, those beds are for the mind.

Yes.

But they don't know that.

No.

So I need to chat to Alan Davis and Josh Whitticomb.

Stop putting your brain to bed.

But

your body is very much in the present, isn't it?

Well, that's the guard.

It's just not preparing yourself for the future marathon.

No,

recovering from yesterday's training session.

So yes, you go stay in the present with your body is the dream

to not have

anxieties from the past

flare up in the present body.

Yeah, yeah.

But also to stop the mind hooking on to narratives about the future that then cause the body to get tense.

Yeah.

What's going to happen tomorrow?

What if I S myself at the wedding?

Yes.

What if a big crab falls on me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Those sorts of concerns.

Because it's mild.

If I'm stressed, it has a physical effect.

I get stomach

stress.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Because the mind is telling the stomach that something bad might happen.

Yeah.

So you're holding, you're tensing your body.

So, how'd you do this?

Interrupt the thinking.

And how do you do that?

So you.

Instagram.

Well, so often, if you can catch it in time.

So, for example, I was in my kitchen the other day and I was like, oh, God, I've made, you know, I've made a terrible error about my life or something.

Yeah, yeah.

It's classic, Rob, but too much pasta in the pan.

Yeah.

Too much pasta in the pan.

And you tense up and then you go, hang on.

Let's just...

How does your body feel about this?

Oh, absolutely fine.

Your body, if you go into the sensations of like ripped, ripped, tight, limber, I've got the tightest quads in the UK.

Yeah, in a good way.

No, in a bad way.

But you realize, oh, actually, my body's fine.

I feel okay.

Yeah, yeah.

But my mind is creating a situation which makes my body feel uncomfortable.

And then...

Here come the guffs.

Here come the guffs.

Which is the body's only way to communicate with you through gut semaphore.

Because babies cry.

Adults.

Babies cry, adults guff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is the basis of a lot of trauma therapy.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you do a little

physical inventory when you're in in bed if you can't sleep i often like if i can't sleep by lay then i think there are my toes there's my foot there's my ankle there's my calf i do this

tensing thing where you tense all those parts yeah yeah but i do physical inventory when i'm running oh do you yeah what pain do i tolerate what pain can i ignore what pain do i need to worry about those are the three questions yes pain in my calf don't worry that's going to go That's going to go after the third K.

Got pain in my knee.

And then the critical mind comes in and goes, this is because you haven't done your exercises.

This is because you fell over in the park run trying to overtake a reindeer.

This has been here for a year and a half.

This is never going to go away.

You're a failure, a loser, an idiot.

I want you to stop.

This is because of that blimming crab you slipped over.

Exactly.

So then you return to the body and go, actually, is it that bad?

What is it out of 10?

Probably a two.

Can live with that.

Can live with that for the rest of my life.

Yeah.

Then you realize there's nothing that you can't accept.

Therefore, nothing can do you any harm.

Exactly.

But also, I was chatting to my physio about my bum, intimate bum procedure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I was like, my opinion of my knee has has changed.

I used to worry about it so much and think, oh, God, I'm always going to have a

I said to her, I've experienced the worst pain I've ever experienced.

So now the knee's gone down from like a four out of ten

to a two out of ten.

From when you did the park run and you tried to overtake some aggressive rain.

I've got some kind of like, I've triggered some sort of inflammation behind the kneecap.

Yeah.

But is that case manageable?

It's manageable.

Yeah.

It's never excruciatingly painful.

So it's always dealable with.

Well, it's all right then.

Yeah.

Do you know what?

You do.

You often come to this show on a Friday and you've had these little revelations during the week.

Yes.

It's very nice to see.

That's the therapy for you.

Well done, therapy.

Well done, your therapist.

Well done, my therapist.

And well done you for googling your therapist and saying, yes, that one, please.

Yes, that one, please.

Oh.

Exciting news for next week.

We've got George Egg coming in.

My other therapist.

My food therapist.

Yes.

Yeah, we've got the snack hacker coming in who's making us up a made-up game.

He's going to do a made-up game and he'll talk about his.

Oh, he's got a little surprise for you, actually, John, which I'm aware of.

Yeah, which is the surprise.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, surprises.

Yet, and he's

surprises.

I like to be told everything exactly in advance.

Please know there's no surprises for you.

Good.

No surprises.

As much as I like George.

Yeah.

Yes.

So are we ready to travel back in time yet?

In two minutes.

Okay.

So who wants to sing a song?

Ellis, please make up a song for two minutes.

Okay.

What is it?

Do you want a sea shanty?

Yeah, copyright-free sea shanty.

They were big about three years ago, sea shanties.

Yeah.

What, were they?

Yeah, they were all over the shop.

Were they when?

Because it was some guy that was big into sea shanties that was all over the internet.

And then everyone started to do sea shanties.

All right, and I went out for a meal with my lovely wife.

Very good.

Keep going.

Voucher has a wedding gift.

Oh, what a life.

She had the steak and I had some chips.

We both enjoyed a drink and

the ships.

That's the ships, ships, ships.

Oh, you could have gone hips.

A minute on the lips and a lifetime on the hips.

What was the thing about Thatcher?

I don't know.

I thought you said Thatcher.

No.

No.

I thought it was a bit political, wasn't it?

No,

I didn't mention Thatcher.

You definitely mentioned Thatcher.

No, no, we went out for a meal.

And a Voucher.

Sorry, I was saying a Voucher in a cockney voice.

Okay.

Margaret Voucher.

But that was only about 30 seconds from me.

Yeah, a minute and a half of sea shanty.

She had some wine, but I had the car.

I watched her have a drink as I went on my phone.

That's married life.

A lesbian lesson a year.

Oh, I just realised this is a true story.

This is a true story, yeah.

Yeah, that's nice.

It's real life in art form yeah yeah i went to a very we went to a very boss restaurant in in near maiden head good right well from maiden head

what's what are you doing

to hang on i've got this i've got this from maiden head doesn't seem like you've got this to dave's head

okay dave we're going to travel for we're going to travel backward in time and remember the body has a past tense yeah the mind has a past tense but the body doesn't have a future tense.

So if you're feeling tense, just tell your mind to stop thinking about the future, and then your body will relax.

Do you understand?

No.

Okay, pop on the old blindfold.

What?

Pop on the blindfold down the eye.

It's all your ex-girlfriends, Dave.

Are we going to do an inventory?

And it's higher or lower.

Dave's shagging.

I'll rating you out of 10.

Whose fault was it?

Yeah.

Pop on the old eye covers, Dave.

Pop on the old eye cover, Dave.

No, no.

It's all you're going to do this time.

I covers.

It's all your ex-girlfriends.

All your ex-girlfriends.

I do, mum.

Some of them are angry, Dave.

Oh, my God.

You look like a cartoon fly.

Right, Dave, last week, we're traveling back in time to last week when you got it wrong.

And we're going to give you a chance to make things right, to make amends.

Yes.

To spread peace where there was fracture.

So first we have Abigail.

You went out with her for three months when you were 11 in the last year of primary school.

No, actually, Dave, the only girlfriend we've got for you today

went out with your ears a long time ago.

And we're going to invite her to sit down next to you and before asking you to remove your eye covers.

Not yet, Dave.

Not yet.

What are you doing?

Dave, this is time travel.

It is a strange time travel.

Now I know how this feels when I do it to you and I don't like it.

You don't like it?

No, I've been surprised a couple of times in this way.

It's not very nice.

I think it's a great way to surprise someone because this is like, Dave, imagine I'm an untrained therapist with access to your subconscious.

I can do a hell of a lot of damage, sure, but I can also, let's flip that coin around, do an awful lot of good.

Yeah, if you're lucky.

If you're lucky.

So, Dave, please remove your blindfold to see who we've brought from your past.

It's Chesney Hawks.

Chesney Hawks.

And

I just say, look at that present from Chesney Hawks.

Oh, there's

yes.

Why don't you hold it between you like a new signing to Team Chesney?

Oh, that's great.

I love that.

And can I just say official merch, Chesney?

Is that official?

That's fantastic.

It wouldn't bring any knockoffs.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can I just say for the benefit of the listeners, when you two embraced, it's two of the UK's most handsome men

embracing.

It is extraordinary how good you both look.

I've had the pleasure of interviewing Chesney before, but it was on the Zoom.

Yes, how are you?

I'm very good, Chesney.

Thanks for coming in.

You looked good on the Zoom, but in real life,

I'm enchanted.

Yeah.

Look into my eyes.

How would you do it?

I mean, I think you nailed it.

Good genes, good genetics.

That's all it is.

You're not one of those sort of super efficient, genetic, sort of live forever chaps because you look like one.

No, you mean Brian Johnson?

Brian Johnson.

Yeah, the next

tech billionaire who

messes about with his plasma and all that stuff.

No, because I like beer too much.

Right.

Wow.

Okay.

Chesney, talk us through last week when you met Dave, because Dave feels he's got a knot in his tummy.

Do you remember me?

Oh, of course I do.

Oh, I absolutely remember it.

Oh,

because I only just got there and I was just lining up for my first beer.

And you'd obviously had a few more.

I'd had a couple.

I had just had a couple at that point.

I was standing with my wife as well.

You didn't notice her.

No, I didn't.

Yeah, yeah.

So, yeah.

So Dave came up to me and

he said, Chesney, oh my God, it's so great to meet.

I love the album.

Yeah.

And of course, right now,

by the way, I brought you a present.

Oh, yes.

Final copy of your new, which, by the the way, I have now listened to this album, but we'll get to that.

So, so I just because I'm promoting this new album that I've got out right now.

Living Arrows.

Living Arrows, thank you very much.

And so, I've just been talking about it constantly all the time.

So, I just presume when Dave said, I love the album, I just thought he meant the new one.

So, I was like, oh, the new one.

Yeah.

And he said, No kind.

I said, No.

He said, No, not that one.

And the title of the album is named after a Cahil Gabron quote.

Yes, yes.

Incredible.

Yeah, from a poem called On Children.

So it kind of likens,

my kids are, you know, late teens, early 20s now.

And so it likens like pulling the bow back.

And then, as us parents have to do, got to let them go.

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

The selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

A Khalil fan, huh?

Big time.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

Oh, that's so cute.

John will quote poems or poetry or soliloquies at any opportunity.

So a few weeks ago, he had an absolute meltdown over his credit rating and at his lowest ebb he quoted King Lear.

And it was a really nice thing to see.

I'm glad that you have the skill to be able to bring that back to your memory because I can't even remember my own lyrics.

Well,

in many ways, King Lear is a story about a guy who gave his daughters unfettered access to his credit card.

In many ways.

And they didn't live up to the promises they agreed to.

And his credit rating plummeted.

That sounds famous.

And then he couldn't afford a house.

That's so sad.

That sounds like an interpretation you might see at the Edinburgh Festival done by some students.

Yes, five stars.

So, Dave, you feel you made a boo-boo?

Even though you're paying the great man a compliment.

You know what?

And I actually heard the little segment on your pod last week.

I did hear it.

And I'm sorry it ruined your evening.

No, wow.

And I'm sorry if you saw the light go out in my eyes when you realised.

Well, I did, because you've got such a lovely face, Chesney.

But there was disappointment in the eyes when I very quickly realised

it was tricky to come straight in with an album from 91 when obviously you're in the cycle of an album from just last year.

Yeah.

So it's just this year, sorry, no.

That one I put out 34 years ago.

Yeah.

Oh, don't put a name to the years.

But no.

Because you did mention that you, it wasn't just about the one and only either.

It's the it's it's the whole album.

It is the whole album, and it's um, it means a lot to me for many different reasons.

But I, I left that exchange thinking, I went into the exchange thinking, I can't get this wrong.

Yeah, because I was such a big fan.

I had your poster on my wall, it was all I had in my Walkman.

I had, I remember I had the tape, that's what I had.

Oh, a cassette, yeah, cassette, and I came out

thinking I got it hugely wrong somehow.

So, um, sorry about that.

No, I am sorry, I don't think you you did.

Okay, good.

I don't think you did.

And it's fair.

Yeah, well, it's not fair.

It's totally fair.

And I should have taken it as a huge compliment and bought you a drink.

Well, that's very kind.

You know, it's an interesting question as an artist or anyone creative when you have massive success with something.

that then does it become a sort of slight double-edged sword because your career without that song yeah you would you would be waiting for that song of course i wouldn't be sitting here if it weren't for that song yeah so no yeah you're right it can be a little bit of an albatross and there's a weird disconnect in where i am as an artist now because obviously i was defined by six months of my life yeah when i was 19 years old wow that period of my time which is tough you think about what you guys were doing when you were 19.

i had acne

yeah

and i was a stupid

i was writing the lyrics to songs all over my torso and taking photos on an early mac

and still remembering them to this day yeah and being able to recall them at any moment you can yeah um Yeah.

So

it's a weird disconnect that Dave was a fan of that record.

And, you know,

I've been promoting this record, this new record.

Yeah.

And I'm in I'm on tour.

I have this record of the week of radio 2.

It's like all of this stuff going on at the moment.

So it, you know, I mean, forgive me if I did if I didn't seem, it wasn't that I wasn't

that I was upset that you hadn't heard of the record.

I was like, I was just like, how do I get to people like Dave then with the new news, because I know

in an ideal world, you want to have carried Dave through

years.

Exactly.

But let me take you back even further, Chesney.

Do you remember headlining St Anne's College Ball in 2003?

Possibly.

After the Queen Tribute Band.

Quite an intense guy with a motion.

If I remember the support, but

that was the time when I kind of like decided to come back and start recording and playing as me again.

So I did all of the, I did every single university crowd in the country.

Yes, you came to Cardiff, I remember that.

Yeah, I mean, I literally lived in university.

It was good times, actually.

Yeah.

I think you may have slept in the room of the JCR Entz officer.

And do you remember the show?

I do, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I remember watching you and I remember watching the Queen Tribute Band.

And you remember that I didn't play it three times in the set?

Do you remember that?

May I, I would have been quite drunk.

No, it's just that you mentioned that the other day.

And you didn't play it three times.

And no, I've never done that.

Ever.

No, ever.

Not even twice.

I've never done that.

In reality, you must have done.

No.

Really?

No.

Oh, I use.

Good views.

No, I'll do it once.

It's called the one and only.

One, yeah.

Where'd you put it in the set?

Do you open with it or pause with it?

No, I have opened with it.

It didn't really work out.

So it's kind of like one you have to build to.

So I put it towards the end.

Sometimes it is the final song, depending on the length of the set.

Yes.

If it's a kind of a butlin's show or something like that, it's got to be at the end.

Of course.

These festival crowds, I did one last night, and you know, we normally kind of put it towards the very end.

And then

if I'm going to follow it, it has to be something banging.

I saw the Arctic Monkeys at Reading very, very early on.

But the year after the first album went massive.

So they were, I think, headlining the Sunday night, and they opened with,

I bet you look good on the dance floor.

Yeah.

And it was quite an odd choice, I think,

because you sort of thought, oh, well,

all right.

I don't know,

but you sort of go to the bar.

I've seen artists who take a perverse pride in not giving the audience what they want.

Raja had some play creep for years.

They all hated it.

No, I realize that that's what people, if people come into a Jesne Hawke show now, I realise that they probably want to hear the one and only.

And i'm totally willing to give them what they want so have you been making music consistently throughout the last 34 years yes yeah yeah yeah carrying on making albums playing playing live never really stopped just haven't had that kind of you know um you know success i guess well we've had a couple of emails that coincidentally are in uh because we talked about you uh last week this is from sophie hello chaps listening to your latest show reminded me that years ago i was in a choir that got involved with recording some music for Lexus.

Yeah, yeah.

Midway through the recording session we found out Chesney Hawks had composed some of the music and he was there.

It was a surreal moment and he was genuinely lovely to everyone.

Oh that's nice to hear.

The music we recorded was later played at some events where 12 Lexus cars, Lex I, represented 12 sections of the orchestra, I think to showcase the new stereos.

Yeah.

Stay well and best of the team.

That's from Sophie.

No, that was a fun little project, that.

Yeah.

And I've composed some classical music with a friend of mine.

And as they said, when we did the events, we pumped like the taiko drums into we made the we put the cars in like a an orchestral, you know, uh, kind of semicircle, put tycho drums at the back, and and uh then kind of went into the wood winds.

And then, so every car had its own kind of you know section of the orchestra.

Wow.

It was amazing.

Yeah,

and apparently at the time, that that car had the best sound system in the world anywhere because it had like you know 28 speakers inside the car.

So, yeah, it was a good fun project.

So, what's next on the PR train for Living Arrows?

Are you playing more festivals?

Yeah, I've got three festivals, more festivals this weekend.

I've got a double header, an old-fashioned double header tomorrow.

Oh, yeah, both in the West Country, but like, well, I say that, like, Port Talbot and then in Somerset.

But, and yeah, so loads of gigs.

Hang on, Port Talbot to Somerset.

Yeah.

Not on the same day.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm playing Port Talbot.

I'm on stage at like three.

Uh-huh.

An hour set.

Full band.

Wow.

Unpack everything.

Head off to Somerset.

I'll get a bit stressed left.

Yeah, it's a bit stressy.

Yeah.

Please be clear, M4.

Well, how far is that?

It's probably a couple of hours.

You'd have to go east towards Bristol and Down.

It's the Almondsbury Interchange.

I mean, if you could go across to the state.

It's on a Saturday.

Saturday, yeah.

What time are you on in Somerset?

I think it's like eight.

Okay.

It's doable.

I've done many double headers in my time.

This one seems to be quite an easy one because it's not too far away.

And where in Somerset?

That's my part of the world.

Oh, that's a good question.

Shall I look it up?

No, it's okay.

Dave, are there any questions you've always wanted to ask Chesney Hawks?

I've got a few.

First of all, just

on the tour front, I might be going to Glastonbury.

Are you doing Glastonbury by any chance?

Oh, I'd love to do Glastonbury, but no, I'm not, actually.

Do you know what?

You would go down brilliantly at Glastonbury.

Yeah, thanks for saying.

I absolutely would.

Well, Rick did it last year, didn't he?

And he did all right.

I just feel like I've always wanted to do Glastonbury and never had the time.

You've never done Glastonbury.

No.

That has to happen.

That is.

We should start a campaign.

I would sell my soul to do Glastonbury.

I'm putting that out there in the negotiation show.

No, that's true.

Stop by saying I'll do it for money.

Talk to John, then you can move up to your soul.

I could throw in my soul as the last kind of

ditch effort.

Oh, no, you should absolutely.

I mean, it's kind of like the holy grail, isn't it?

Of all festivals.

Yeah.

There's room for you on Glasto.

Absolutely.

Surely, surely.

Surely.

Let's make it happen.

If anyone at Glasto is listening, Chesney's willing to sell you his soul.

Yeah.

And then I've got a few more questions.

Yes, yes, yes, Dave.

So there was a film.

Sorry to go back.

So, by the way, I have listened to the new album.

It's really good, Chesney.

It's a genuinely brilliant, well-written album.

13 is a beautiful song.

Thank you.

Just the slow ones on it really get me.

I don't know why I've listened to it.

I've always been more of a balladeer.

That's the people don't know that about me.

Secrets of the Heart from the debut.

Exactly.

One of the absolute flying amongst yourselves, guys.

No, no, no, no.

And the meaning of this as well, off the new album, is very good.

So I genuinely have to say that.

Well, there's a lot of songs on here that are incredibly close to my heart.

Like,

you get to a certain age and look back in life, and like, I know that these songs have been incredibly therapeutic for me and very cathartic to write.

Like, 13 is, I mean, it's about,

you heard the song.

It's a very,

it's a tough subject to tackle in a song.

Yeah.

And what was the other one you said?

The meaning of this.

The meaning of this was about a young girl that was very close to our family that took her life.

So, you know, it was, it's, I cried a lot writing this song.

Yeah.

It was really tough and painful.

So, and there's a lot of songs on this album that are like that.

But there are still some kick the doors down pop bangers, you know.

So I love the new album, but and also on the what I was curious about was with the debt with the debut album Buddy Song, there was a film, wasn't there, that was

Roger Dultry and with Roger Dultry.

Yeah, did that kind of correspond with the album?

It did.

So how did that come about?

There was a picture

of Chesney and Roger Dultry sitting in a

trolley.

Yes,

sure.

Something like that, yeah.

So what came first?

The film came first, but I only went up for that film because there was a potential record deal at the end of it.

Right.

You know, because it was a film, it was about a young singer, songwriter.

Yes.

And yeah, so I would play Buddy, basically.

Yeah, yeah.

And then got the record deal out of that.

And that's the soundtrack.

Because Roger Doltries

tried his hand at acting.

He was in an episode of The Bill.

I was in an episode of The Bill once.

I was.

I played Colin the drug dealer.

I did.

Pre-music.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you can find that on YouTube.

Just put Chesney Hawks the Bill, it'll come up.

Amazing.

It's actually hilarious.

Was there anything else you were in before you were famous for the music?

Yeah, I was in a film with Catherine Heigel.

Do you remember Catherine Heigl?

Yes.

But I played a stable boy, and there was literally one scene with Catherine Heigl, and I think I got like one line.

Amazing.

Yeah, I know.

And then my final question: do you still have the leather jacket from the cover of the debut album?

I do.

Do you?

And it's still just about fits.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, well, I'm not surprised because you're looking great, Chesney.

You do look good.

How do you stay fit?

What's your regime?

I mean, I don't really work out that much.

Oh, my God.

I know.

I know.

And

I do drink a lot of beer.

Don't run.

Don't really swim.

I mean,

generally.

You've broken the rules.

I know.

I mean, I do eat pretty well.

Okay.

Yeah.

I mean, I eat meat and everything.

So I'm not like, you know, one of these total, you know, starve myself or anything like that.

But, you know, I eat.

My wife is really into health and wellness.

Okay.

So

when I'm at home, which is not very often at the moment, I eat really well.

When I'm out there, it's like fast food, you know.

So it's full summer festivals and promoting the new episodes.

Yeah, loads of gigs.

Yeah.

Oh, thank you so much for coming in.

This is jam to a gig.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I absolutely will.

I absolutely will because this is genuinely, you've been a big part of my life and it's really nice.

I've never met you before, so it's actually really.

And thank you for coming.

Are you close by then?

Or are you?

I'm not far.

I'm in sorry.

So, yeah, it was, you know, an hour in, an hour in an Uber.

Oh, that's very, very good.

You'll be here whenever you like.

I'll be a roving reporter for

thanks so much, Chesney, for coming in.

That means a great deal to all of us, but especially Dave.

You've made a young boy very happy.

Well, I'm going to take the cellophane off the vinyl and ask you to sign it, please.

Do check out Chesney's latest album, Living Arrows.

You just did a tour with James Blunt.

I did, yeah.

It was really fun.

Oh, wow.

But yes, so thank you very much for coming in.

And now you get to sign Dave's album.

And I think Dave's made amends.

Oh, totally.

Oh, yeah, yeah, Dave.

There was never any amends to be made.

It was all good.

It really was.

I'm sorry if the light went out in my eyes.

It wasn't purposeful.

They've been broadcasting with a man who's had no light in his eyes for 11 years.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that sounds like a joke, but it's absolutely not.

But he's okay.

He's okay.

Dave, there's a track on the album called Live Forever.

There is.

So obviously the big question question is Chesney or Oasis.

Yeah, well, it's not a cover of Oasis, is it?

What are you going to choose?

Yeah, Dave.

And remember, I'm sitting right here with judgmental eyes.

It's Chesney All the Way.

It's Chesney All the Way.

Thank you, Chesney.

Love it.

Thanks for having me, guys.

At the BBC, we go further so you see clearer.

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Well, there we go.

Chesney Hawks has left the studio and he's left a broken heart in here.

Hasn't he?

Izzy.

He kissed you on the cheek and Izzy, you're quite overcome.

He's so hot.

He's so hot, Gray.

I love it.

Yeah.

He was.

What was your takeaway, Izzy?

Smash.

Smash.

And also,

let the record state, never before have I seen this done.

He bought doughnuts for the crew.

Yes.

He did not not put a foot wrong.

That is a class act.

It really is.

Absolutely.

I've never ever seen anyone do that before.

The only person that I know have done something similar,

we produced a podcast for Jack Whitehall.

And one guest we had on was Nick Grimshaw.

And he called ahead as he was coming in to ask which producers wanted a coffee because he was going to nip past the coffee shop to bring in coffees for the producers.

That is a class act.

Grimmy oozes class.

Grimmy is fantastic.

Because he's on Six Mills at Breakfast at the moment and he oozes class.

And then he arrived, Whitehall took all the coffees and poured them down the sink and said, you've got to keep them on a tight leash.

But no, Chesney was, what a man.

What a man.

I think if you've done lots of interviews, as Chesney clearly has done over the last 34, 35 years, you either become jaded or you just become good at them.

And he's become very good at them.

The donuts for the crew.

Izzy, how old would you say Chesney was if if you had no information about his career 35 35

which is after that that would that would make him not oh he would have been born the year before his big hit

how old am I well that's that's not the question

you've got to deal the the cards you dealt

and play them and that's your hand and your hand isn't my age

cards.

I played my bad cards.

Chesney's 51.

No, he's 53.

He's 53.

Josh.

He will be 54 in September.

And he

looks very nice.

That is mad.

Because he's...

And do you know what?

On the cover of his album,

he's not playing to his strengths.

Do you know what I mean?

Intentionally showing a sort of realistic image of Chesney.

If anything, he looks better than that.

He does.

He does, but he signed my album in gold pen.

So my number one fan, Dave, loved Chesney.

Kiss.

I'm quite touched.

Yeah.

I'm quite moved because it was.

What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man.

You know those first albums that you just are just etched into your sidey beast.

You can never forget the lyrics.

I was listening to it.

So I was listening to the album this week because of the fact that we were talking about it last week.

So I went back and listened to the debut album.

And I've listened to the new album, of course, which is fantastic.

But I went back and listened to the debut album, and it just brings back

it's very evocative, almost visceral that you're just listening to and I knew every word.

I have the same with his and hers, the pulp

album, it just makes me want to be 14 again.

Yeah, and that's not going to happen, no.

So, you move on because the body doesn't have a future, and you don't really

know.

I would not want to be 14 in this day and age, but I would like to be 14 in 1996.

I think you'd like to have

the fact that everything's to play for back.

Everything's in play, though I've done pretty well.

Yeah.

You have, John?

Yeah, I mean,

what would you have called for a guy with lyrics written all over his torso in the early 2000s?

You wouldn't have called, you know, digital pioneer.

You wouldn't have called...

injecting wisdom into Britain's future.

No.

Would you have called that?

No.

You wouldn't.

Future Mayor of Thornbury, you wouldn't have called that.

Future Mayor of Thornbury, you wouldn't have called that.

No.

So.

I think Town Oddball.

Yeah, Town Oddball is

what I would have gone for.

I have in the local paper a lot, but for all the wrong reasons.

Yes.

Nothing bad, but it is newsworthy.

Right, but life goes on, Dave.

Chesney or no Chesney?

Oh, it goes on, but it's different forever.

It has changed.

It's changed forever.

He has changed you.

I've now met him.

You've now met him.

Izzy is now in love.

izzy honestly she's

yeah and yet i've you've been working with me with us hunks with us hunks who are younger than chesney by 10 years in some cases it's been beefcake alert for two years if you're in this room

presenters who lift.org pull on the beefcake siren

Sound the bicep alarm, John's in.

But oh no, Hawks swoops in.

Who's not lifted a a dumbbell in his life yes good point hovering above the long grass to seek out his prey but in a nice way by bringing doughnuts and being kind yes I'm not seeing anything as prey anyway Ellis has got to connect oh my goodness we've got a chesney connection will we get a Cymru connection there are 3.16 million people in Wales if you put two of them together one in a studio one on zoom can they find a mutual connection in 60 seconds let's find out in the Cymru Connection.

Where did you go to school?

Do you know Daffy Levins?

No.

Come on, mate.

You must do no.

We've never met

at all.

Last week here at Cymru Connection HQ we witnessed something quite remarkable.

There were gasps in the studio, listeners were left in disarray.

Things started off as they often do.

Tense Ellis James asked a caller from Wales where they went to school, but when an answer was given, Ellis could only protest, where's that?

The connection was off to the worst possible start, and things only went downhill from there.

No connection was made in the 60 seconds, and Ellis' connection rate has dropped to 46%.

Yikes.

He's, I mean, it's Derby County form.

He's found a connection to 90.

Say that, please.

To 19.

Try and build me up rather than knock me down.

All right, what's a better Derby County?

Ipswich, Luton.

No, no, just stop the talk.

Bournemouth is a good journey.

Bournemouth's a nice journey.

Because

they were low, low, low, weren't they?

Sing low, low, low.

He's found a connection to 19 out of 41 callers.

Where do we go from here?

We have a caller on the line from Wales.

Hello.

Hello.

The next voice you hear will be that of Ellis James.

His goal is to connect with you in 60 seconds.

Will it happen?

The time starts now.

Where do you go to school?

Cowbridge.

Okay, do you know where SLC is?

No.

Okay, what do you do for a living?

I work in sport.

Oh, what's your job?

I currently work in football in Switzerland.

Do you know know Laura McAllister?

Uh no.

Come on man.

Ian Gwynhibes works for the FAW.

No.

Okay what do you do?

What is the nature of your job?

Uh communications.

Okay.

Um if you went to university where did you go?

I went to Bath.

Oh how old are you?

30.

Oh okay.

Have you ever worked for any football clubs?

No.

Okay.

Um Cowbridge.

Do you know Mike Bubbins?

No.

Okay that's that's fine.

Are you a Welsh Beaker?

No.

That's fine.

Okay.

Thank you.

You don't know Nora McAllister, that's fine.

Do you know Mark Evans who works for the FAW?

No.

Okay, that's fine.

It's a familiar sight, it's a familiar feeling, it's a familiar atmosphere.

It's a familiar head in familiar hands.

Caller, what's your name, if I could be so polite?

My name's Lucy.

Hi, Lucy.

Nice to meet you.

It's John Robbins here.

Do you know Lucy?

Who works for the FAW?

It's fine.

She's just another

asking lots of people.

It's like

mini metro nurses.

What you could have said, Ellis, is do you know anyone who works for the FAW?

Is that allowed?

Yeah, of course it is.

Yeah,

but could Lucy have then offered a name?

No, not that.

I don't think that is allowed.

That is allowed.

So Ellis has said, tell me who you know, essentially.

He's saying,

have you worked with the FAW?

who have you worked with?

Yeah, I suppose so.

I'm absolutely staggered you don't know Laura McAllister.

I'm absolutely stunned, but it's not your fault.

I'm just extremely surprised.

What had you written down on your piece of paper before we started, Ellis?

Ah, football unique question mark.

That's good stuff.

But he's learning.

He's learning from his mistakes.

So, Lucy, you were.

Well, do you want to carry on on the Sun Lounger, Ellis?

Yeah.

Cowbridge.

Come on, mate.

Are you?

Parents, maybe.

I've got a Cowbridge black spot.

Okay.

My friend Esseth lives in Cowbridge now, but other than that.

What do your parents do, Lucy?

What did they do?

Um, they work for the NHS.

Okay, in what when where in Wales?

Um in Bridgend.

Bridgend, NHS.

Okay, any thoughts, Ellis?

Dad worked for a Bridgend Council many, many years ago.

But I, you know.

Do they know Ellis's dad?

I don't think so.

Can you think of anything, Lucy, that connects you to Ellis?

Ellis?

Well, that's the reason why I wrote in.

I think

it's I worked for other sports in Cardiff.

Ah, okay.

Rugby?

I have.

Do you know Ian Evans?

No.

Okay, that's fine.

What did you do in rugby out of curiosity?

I did marketing at Cardiff Rugby.

Do you know Steph Guerrero?

No.

I think you're going to have to help him out, Lucy.

He's going to pull his hair face.

He's pulling his hair out, literally.

Our connection has been mentioned a few times on this show.

But it's a different sport again, so it's in cricket.

Cricket?

Not, what, Mike Powell, who used to, it was the Glamorgan batting coach?

No, no.

Robert Croft?

Oh, I only met him once in a pub.

No,

it's one of my old colleagues from Glamorgan Cricket.

Oh, my God, Guffer.

I do know Guffer.

Who knows Guffer?

That's

simply insane.

Who's Guffer?

He's in charge of ticketing at Glamorgan County Cricket Club.

Is he?

I go to watch the Swans with him, and he's tremendous, tremendous.

The Swans route.

Because Cowbridge doesn't take me down Swansea Avenue.

Working for football in Switzerland takes you to football, which takes you to Swanson.

But not watching the Swans.

That's a very different thing.

The people I watch The Swans with are not involved in sports governance at the Swiss level.

That's why I went down Laura McAllister Avenue.

Twice.

Twice.

Despite saying this is a one-way street with no entry.

He's vice president of UEFA.

Yeah.

Laura's met people.

I'm amazed you know Guffer.

How do you know Guffer, Lucy?

He was one of my first ever colleagues, and we are still good friends.

He plays five-side, my friend who.

What's Guffa's real name?

I've got no idea.

Really?

Ten years.

he's Gardith Gareth right uh well thank you Lucy so much for calling it's it's a nightmare we're living in a nightmare we're not getting it we're not teetering towards a 30 percenter are we surely not I think I swear no you can be physically violent you could you could you could sort of have some plan in place for this feature we've been doing for a hundred years

that you're getting worse at.

I mean, yeah, I struggled to

kind of make you feel better at the end of this one because

I don't know what else to say at this point.

Well, I think the border boarder's got to call him in for crisis.

Switzerland doesn't take me down Guffer Street.

No,

it takes it takes me, it puts me on a ferry.

What's your name?

Sorry, Lucy.

Nice to meet you, Lucy.

Thank you very much for coming on.

Thanks, Lucy.

And I enjoyed that.

And my slightly strange vibe,

that's a reflection on myself and not on you.

So thank you very much for coming to us.

Oh, Lucy, you have enormous value.

You have, you have, yeah, you're, yeah, absolutely.

You matter.

You matter, Lucy.

Lucy, you matter, and Guffa matters.

And ticketing at Glamorgan matters.

Absolute blimmin, exactly, it does.

So, we will have another Cymru connection next week.

Fingers crossed, he can stop the rot.

Yikes,

woofer, Woofer.

Wowie.

I think we need a couple of moments.

Yeah.

So what did you wrote football and

talk about?

Don't talk to me about my methods.

Someone needs to.

You've drawn some dots.

Yeah, I did draw dots.

A few little ants.

A few little ants, yeah.

I've drawn ants, yeah.

So I connect, I draw ants.

And the ants are walking towards football and uni question mark.

It's watertight, the system.

I'm going to do what I'm going to do next week

if you will let me help.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

You want to help, do you?

I do, actually, at this stage.

Bear in mind, we have to get Chesney Hawkson as a guest to save your soul.

I know, and now I'm trying to save your soul.

You need a laminated list of questions, which will just stay in the studio.

So you've not got to think about it all week.

For the other six and a half days of the week, don't worry about it.

But then on a Friday afternoon, I'll present to you just a really solid backbone of what you should be doing.

I'm struggling to get to Guffer from Switzerland.

It's tricky, but yeah, I suppose in hindsight, what could you have done?

Other sports you work in, but I mean, that's once she's kind of gone down the Switzerland.

And people tend to specialise, Dave.

Yeah.

But still, I have value and I matter.

Chesney Hawks matters, you matter.

Obviously, John matters the most because he's the best.

Yeah, obviously.

He's got a point, Dave.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

We're not.

We're kind of getting towards...

You know how people enjoy watching United being bad?

Yes.

Are we getting there?

Where it's become almost, we're kind of getting towards that point now where people are tuning in just to see whether it'll be.

Am I going to get relegated?

Yeah.

You're going to get a vote of confidence from the board at this rate.

oh well

shall we move on

well folks we're gonna end the show with some uh mad dads if you do have any shame wells please send them in ellisonjohn at bbc.co.uk we're looking for good piping hot shame aren't we dave always

what are you messaging on slack dave i was just getting a film link for you for tim key's new film actually john

which i've seen and it is excellent but i'll delete the email yes if you could and now you won't get a link yeah then send it outside of business hours.

Your own time, if possible, Dave.

I've got two mud dads, which I think are really good, so I'm going to read them both.

Do you know what?

Did we have the jingle?

No.

Okay.

No good.

Listen.

Don't you ever ask me that again.

Let's hit the jingle.

My dad, when he brought his first non-stick frying pan, kept the instructions and stuck them on the wall next to it.

Actual real wooden clogs

and set about eating what must have been north of 24 egg canopies.

He then proceeded to empty 40 litres or so of short onto the timber and strike a match.

That's a mad.

That's a mad dad.

Oh mad.

We've got some good mad dads for you.

Starting off with this dear Ellis John Davin team, I'm writing with a tale of, which there are many, many, about my much loved mad dad.

Growing up, it was often my mum who decided how myself and my sister would be occupied on a weekend.

But of course, sometimes mum would be busy, leaving it to my dad to come up with something for us to do.

This resulted in a variety of activities, most of which were garage-based.

But there are also some notable exceptions, such as filming a mockumentary in our local Tesco, the premise of which was that myself and my sister, aged around seven and five, were a film crew recording an undercover boss-style profile of my dad, who was supposedly John Tesco, inventor of Tesco, as he inspected this particular branch.

I love this dad.

He sounds like a top rope.

However, despite the myriad of options to choose from, I would say the incident which sticks out to me the most is from when I was about 10.

Around this time, my sister had received a skateboard for her birthday.

However, dad had shown far more interest in it than she had, much to my mum's frustration when he tried to practice in the house, including an attempt at skateboarding down the stairs.

One Saturday, my mum and sister were busy with something, leaving me and my dad alone for the day.

That morning, my dad had told me we were going to go along a nearby cycle path before disappearing into the garage.

At the time, this seemed entirely normal, and I continued with my morning without questioning it.

It was only when we arrived in the car to the beginning of said cycle path that I began to have doubts.

I noticed that only my bike was on the bike rack, but I assumed that dad was planning to walk alongside me while I cycled.

However,

it was soon revealed that I was sorely mistaken.

Dad opened the boot of the car to reveal his alternative method of transport, a skateboard and a rope.

I tied one end of the rope around the column under the seat of my bike, which may I remind you is a bike for a 10-year-old because I was a 10-year-old.

He held the other end and then stood on the skateboard waiting for me to start pedaling.

And pedal I did.

I towed my dad for around three miles along a far-from flat cycle path.

At one stage, we passed a group of elderly ladies on a bench who just laughed at us.

And the only other person we saw was a middle-aged man who I feel was inspired and may have carried out his own mad daddy in the wake of witnessing this spectacle.

Despite being aware, even at 10, that this was a bizarre way for a father and daughter to spend their weekend, I did genuinely enjoy it, as did my dad, so I guess it was a piece of good, albeit unorthodox, parenting.

Thanks for all the hashtag content.

I've been relying on Britain's youngest and most relevant broadcasters to get me through my uni finals.

I'm at Hartford College if this is of any interest to John.

I want to have the podcast on to calm the nerves on my walks to exam schools over the next few weeks.

All the best, E.D.

Love.

Superb.

That's superb.

It's simply superb.

Also, sort of weirdly in my head, when I imagine that dad, he's like 60 or 70.

But actually, if you're a 10-year-old girl's dad, you could be 30.

You could be 36.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but it's quite a mad thing for a 30-year-old to do.

Yeah, yeah.

Also, what I like about it is that it's completely harmless.

It's just very funny.

Yes.

And that mockumentary thing is great.

It's great.

I would love to see that mockumentary.

Yes.

If you are listening, if you have footage, Edie, it's unlikely, but of Jon Tesco inspecting Tesco, I'd actually quite like to be John Tesco.

But also,

that's the sort of thing I'd get my kids to do.

You are, in a way.

I am, just as no one's filming it and I'm not being paid.

But if Edie's 21 doing a finals, it probably would have been done on a sort of basic smartphone approach.

Yeah.

Yeah, so it might still be around.

It'll be around a laptop somewhere, maybe.

I sometimes, when my kids ride their scooters to school,

every now and then I'll take them home rather than leave them at school.

I can't think why, but sometimes that does have to happen.

And I always look forward to that because I'll ride Alba's back.

So there's a little pink scooter that's probably the height of my knees.

And if no one's watching, I'm going through the passages on Alba's scooter.

And it's good fun.

And you are either dad or oddball.

Yeah.

And there's nothing in between.

I hope it's clear, I'm dad.

Yes, yes.

To my petitive homage faui.

One of my dad's great loves in life is a good old road trip.

But for my dad, a road trip with my sister and I were kids was more often than not exactly that.

A drive around for a few hours, not leaving the vehicle, arriving back home with the satisfaction of a wholesome family day out achieved.

Yeah, I was go out for a spin, but not leave the car.

Just drive around.

For many years in the 90s, my dad owned a Toyota Corolla.

We had one of those great cars.

The car was in a generally bad state of repair, having gone through many poorly executed home repairs.

My dad's just know cars, it's instinctive.

The stubbornness towards taking the car to the local garage was motivated by my dad's misplaced frugality and unwillingness to recognise the value of spending a few pounds quid today to avoid higher and unexpected repair costs tomorrow.

One area requiring attention was the fill gauge.

It didn't work, but my dad would be damned if he'd put pay to

one of his aimless days out driving.

Others would simply ensure to go to the petrol station more regularly and fill until the nozzle clicks while they await to repair.

But of course, my dad had no intention of having the gauge repaired, nor of lowering himself to such an easy solution.

This is Mad Dad 101, isn't it?

So kill the family tradition.

We were all instructed to sit in the car and be completely silent.

My dad would then start the car and begin to move forward, getting up a reasonable head of speed.

I was young then, so I couldn't give a figure of miles per hour, but it was fast enough that an emergency stop at that speed would feel quite alarming, especially to the two young children sat in the back.

He would then slam on the brake as hard as he could, and we all had to listen intently for the slosh.

Extraordinary.

As the fuel in the tank was shot forward, then sloshed back and forth.

I remember the sound of the slosh.

Do you?

I can't remember.

I, as a kid,

my mum at a fiesta and we used to hear the slosh in the fiesta.

We didn't have a drive at the time, so this was all conducted up and down the road.

And if any of us made the slightest noise as we were being catapulted towards the windscreen or back of the seat in front, my dad would become annoyed.

My dad would ask earnestly, Did anyone hear the slosh?

Did anyone hear the slosh?

What are we thinking?

Half full, three quarters?

Based on this, we would collectively assess fuel levels, the kids,

and set off on our journey with castine confidence that we'd make it to our non-existent destination.

This is amazing.

Amazingly, and slightly annoyingly, as it would have contributed no end to this anecdote, we never ran out of fuel.

But this tedious method persisted for years until finally the crawler gave up and had to be replaced.

Thanks as always for the top-notch content.

Hoping this gets a read on the show, but if not, it's been a cathartic experience putting it all down on paper.

Thanks, Heidi in Geneva, formerly of Derbyshire.

That's superb.

That is extraordinary.

That's superb.

Also, there's a flaw in the logic because the slosh isn't necessarily getting louder the lower you go.

But it's got a different sound.

That's true, but then I guess you're looking for the sort of the echo because a full tank is not going to slosh at all.

Yeah.

A half full tank might slosh more than a three-quarter full tank.

Yeah.

Because there's more air.

Yeah, exactly.

It's oh.

But the system worked.

The system worked.

Annoyingly.

Yeah, anyway.

It would probably cost 10 quid to repair the link between the fuel gauge and...

Like, it...

It's not for you, is it?

It's not for me.

It's not for you.

It's not for me.

Oh, goodness.

There's a real...

Oh, heck and fire.

Well, I've got to pay for my parking at the train station.

What does that mean?

It means potential fine, Dave.

But I'm going to have to do that now.

And it's not any cheaper to do it now because they only let you do it by the day.

And do you know what?

You would think when you pay for parking, it runs out, if you pay for a day, it runs out a day after you pay, right?

Yes.

4.30 a.m.

Every morning is when the day runs out.

But does that just not mean because the parking measurements only come in from, say, 9 in the morning?

7 a.m.

So it's no man's land in a way.

No, what it means is if you park at 6 p.m.

for a day, it runs out at 4.30 a.m.

Not 6pm the next day.

No.

Oh, I see what you mean.

So yeah, you can be caught.

Yeah, fair enough.

So anyway, I've just got to accept.

We accept.

Oh, yeah.

We accept, we accept, we accept.

Well, I gave you some money for your birthday, so you can spend it on the fine.

I can spend it on the fine.

But I do need to do that now.

Okay.

So, and what will be annoying is if I've already got the ticket and now I pay for the parking, because that's double trouble.

God, all the radio grades sort this out stuff, this stuff out on air, don't they?

Tony Blackbird.

Oh, come on, you've got to pay for parking the second you realise you've forgotten to.

You don't hear Dan O'Connell doing this, do you?

No,

Ken Bruce on Great Sits Radio.

Yeah.

What are you doing this weekend, Al?

I'm going to a wedding.

Are you?

I'm going to a wedding, and then on Sunday, not doing a huge amount.

Day do, evening do.

Day do, evening do.

Of course you are.

Both.

What's the point in having double click to pay if you then have to enter your passcode?

I do.

Okay.

I mean, ticking up with the people at Apple.

I will do okay Dave.

We got Chesney Hawks.

Can you get Tim Cook next week please?

Okay, all good, all done.

Good.

What are you doing?

Time remaining 13 hours.

That's not 24 hours.

That's not right, not great.

No, it's not great, is it?

No, it's not.

Write a letter.

It's bad.

Well, I will.

I hate it too.

I'm playing my first of a festival this week.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

I'm an artist at a festival.

Good.

Which has never happened before.

Well, we're going to see Lou Sanders, aren't we, after the show?

It's her finals of the night of the tour, and we're very, very proud of her.

Yeah, yeah, really looking forward to that.

We're gonna go for a meal, John.

We're going for Peruvian food.

Great, where are you pointing?

To the sky, because that's where I want to live.

Uh, no, you don't.

No, I do, no, but with the Peruvian food, it's gonna take me to space, yeah, because it's that good, yes, yes, of course.

So, anyway, we'll let you uh know about uh Lou's show and Dave's gig at the festival next week.

Thank you very much for downloading and listening.

We'll be back with you very soon.

Thank you very much.

Goodbye.

Bye.

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