#439 - Inverting The Pilaumid, Winning 18 Apples and The Mayor of Thornbury

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Hello everyone, welcome to the show this Friday.

Do you want to hear something that's been good in my week?

Yeah, no.

Yeah, go on there.

I do, Alice.

Went to see my mother-in-law on Saturday, driving through West London.

There wasn't enough room for both cars because it's very congested around there.

So a nice car pulled in to allow me to go past.

I looked to my right to thank the driver.

Guess who it was?

Ooh!

And it's...

I'm famous.

If I was Australian, I'd say a proper fambo.

A what?

A proper fambo.

He was famous.

Is that a clue?

No.

Is he Australian?

No, no, he's not Australian.

Okay.

Okay,

was West London.

Michael Hesseltime.

No, more famous.

I think we go for questions that Alice has to say yes or no to.

Okay, was it Michael Hesseltine?

No.

Okay.

Was it someone who knew Mike knows Michael Hasseltine?

Served with Michael Heselton?

No,

not a politician.

They were driving or being driven?

Uh, driving.

Male?

Male.

Here we go.

This is it.

In acting.

Acting.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Um Paul Mescal.

No.

Are there any more actors?

I don't know who he is, really.

A round eye.

Irish chap, incredibly handsome.

Okay.

Often wears short shorts and socks pulled all the way up to go to the shop.

And then Vanity Fair magazine will say that he's the hottest man on earth.

I'm like, no, he just looks like he's just been playing five aside.

Yeah.

Good actor, though.

Very, very, very good actor and extremely handsome.

I'll give him that.

Oh, yeah.

Is he younger than us or older than us?

Older than us.

Okay.

It's Michael Kane.

Havers.

Not Havers.

Brian Blessed.

Not Brian Blessed.

That would have been fantastic.

Is it Hollywood or British raconteur?

Hollywood.

Hollywood.

Ah.

Cage.

No.

Peg?

No.

Our age?

No, older than us.

Sorry.

What car did they drive?

Oh, great question.

It was an SUV, but I couldn't quite see the...

I couldn't quite see the model.

Well, you know it from the shape.

Did he recognise you?

God, no.

That would have been good.

British?

Yes.

Ah, okay, so.

British, so I assume lives.

Hugh Grant.

Got it in one.

No, not in one.

He's got it in about 18, but...

Got it in 18.

Hugh Grant.

I met Hugh Grant.

When?

At a.

It was a strange event at the Hunterian Museum.

What's that?

Doesn't sound like your vibe, broadly vegan.

It was.

Have you been to the Hunterian Museum?

No, what is it?

Oh, it's amazing, a medical museum.

Okay.

So it's lots of samples in formaldehyde.

Great.

And a skeleton of an Irish giant, which is problematic, but it's on display.

Yeah.

Give the guy some dignity.

Give the guy some dignity.

It was a sort of

I want to say Sandy Toxwig's birthday, but I'm not sure that's a good idea.

You were invited to Sandy Toxwig's birthday.

As a plus one, I made a fool of myself.

I didn't make a fool of myself.

I just said we've met.

I told you this last week, didn't I?

Carry on.

Oh, yes.

No, you told me that in person, I think.

Oh, right, yeah.

I did that thing where you say, oh, we've met.

And the other person obviously doesn't remember.

No, you did talk about it.

Yeah, we did talk about it.

Because, yeah, I did that with Angela Scan then.

And I think it was a sort of hacked off.

It was like a hacked off no more page three Sandy Toxfig based event.

Mega event.

It was mega event.

It was like three very strange bookings had been made and they'd all overlap.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was a music festival without a coherent booking policy.

Yes, and I think because Hugh Grant is

let's get Block Party and Richard Digence.

I think because the thinking was, this was 10 years ago, because Hugh Grant is a sort of a bit of a player,

that it was funny that he was at a No More Page 3 styled event, but he was also there on behalf of Hacked Off.

I'm not quite sure why.

And he's also, no, quite serious as a campaigner as well as his acting.

I love him.

I love Hugh Grant as well.

He's great because he just does not give an S.

No.

If you see him on a red carpet.

And he's aging well, which is the dream.

Yeah, aging well doesn't, you can just tell he just has has a lot of disdain for a lot of the things he has to do

clever, which is my dream and about a boils a cracking film.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, he doesn't, yeah, so there he was, yeah.

And then I went to uh, then I went to a food festival.

Did you have paint in your foot well at this point?

Yeah, I did, but he couldn't, he didn't see in.

Right.

Oh, my God.

Hugh Grant's seen the Volkswagen barrel of eggs.

And the size of it.

Aren't you embarrassed?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I don't offer anyone lifts anymore.

Imagine if someone recognised you in your car.

What they would think would be happening.

It'd be quite on brand.

But

he's doing a barn-find YouTube channel now for hatchbacks that aren't worth anything.

But

the side that Izzy really, really scrapped wasn't the side that he saw.

He just saw the side that Izzy dinked.

So did you let him through?

Did you let him through?

He let me through.

Did you wave?

Well, that was the thing.

I sort of looked at him to sort of to say thank you, but he had his eyes on the road.

Yeah.

Of course he does.

He takes his driving very seriously.

Yeah.

If ever I let a car through and the car drives through and

doesn't thank me, the five-year-old twins in the back both go, you're welcome.

Nice.

Good.

Start merly.

Start early.

I do that a lot.

Yeah, yeah.

No, I go, don't worry about it, mate.

It's fine.

No, it's fine.

You do you, is what I say.

You do you.

But anyway, how are you, John?

I'm okay.

Busy, busy, weak, busy as a bee.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Busy as ten bees.

Ten the the the the ten bee busyness.

It's the ten bee week.

The two episodes of How Do You Cope?

Okay.

Both that.

Both are fantastic.

Okay.

With Megan Jane Crabb and Self-Esteem.

Okay.

I...

Oh yeah, that's the podcast I set you free from.

Yeah, that's the podcast you set me free from.

I have been doing quite a lot of

sort of digging around in the old body to

preempt any potential niggles marathon-wise.

Okay.

I've been researching a lot of my muscles.

Yeah.

I've been getting expert opinions.

Yes.

Getting quite stressed out.

Inexpert opinion.

Yeah, I've been getting some inexpert opinions, some critical, some positive.

I went to a lovely physio, Helen, who's one of the all-time greats.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

One of the world's best physios.

And she said, and I quote, you have the tightest quads of anyone I've met who plays sport.

Wow.

Which is not

good.

Is that the front or the back of your top thighs?

Felt thighs.

Your thighs.

And also hamstrings the same.

Oh, yeah.

My hamstrings are world record-breakingly tight, but there's nothing I can do about it.

Yeah, you can stretch them.

Yeah, and it never does anything.

I've been stretching them for five years.

No.

You're probably doing the wrong stretches.

But are you just, as you're about to play football, I'll do a quick stretch to loosen them up.

Or are you, as you wake up?

I'm tuning.

Yeah.

What you should be doing, wake up in the morning and have it as part of your routine, because stretching's for the week, not just for football, as they say.

Famous phrase.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because what people do is they do a quick stretch and think, well, there's my muscles stretched.

So how much time a week are you spending stretching?

Because this is what I need to know.

I do them probably.

I do a few a day.

Lie.

No, that is true.

Don't believe you.

No one does a few a day.

Oh, it doesn't take very long.

I do them on the chairs in the kitchen or on the side of the bathroom.

This is what I need to start doing.

It just becomes part of a

habit then.

So then why are they so tight?

Because I think it's the way I'm made and an issue with my bum.

How do you stretch your bum, of course?

Yeah, I just leave it as it is.

Are you doing stretches every day, Dave?

No, I know I should be because I was doing a Joe Wicks at 4 a.m.

this morning in the garden.

I don't know how to tell you that I do this on a Friday.

I don't think I've mentioned it.

I was up at 4:30 yesterday, 5.30 today.

Oh, yeah, fair play.

Night horrors?

No, just going to bed very early.

Okay.

It's good.

Sleep at night.

Now what to do.

Day is done.

Yeah.

Why can't Dannett Champion World use the breastfeeding pillow to cuddle while I sleep, slash, just use for support while I'm doing crosswords and other intellectual pursuits?

Why didn't you draw a face on the breastfeeder pillow?

That would be horrible.

Okay, we'll print one off.

Take it into your breastfeeding.

It can be anyone you wanted.

Desmond Tutu if you're a little bit.

The good thing about the breastfeeding pillow is it supports you when you're reading and when you're doing...

Oh, I mentioned this on the show.

We talked about the breastfeeding pillow last week.

Oh, it arrived.

Did I talk about it arrive in the morning?

Yeah, no, you talked about it.

Of course.

Also, it doesn't judge you, John.

No, God.

So if you put a face of Desmond, you know, a picture of Desmond Tutu or whoever on your breastfeeding pillow, you know, he's not having a go at you.

No.

It's just, I would say it's tacit agreement with your lifestyle choices.

Yeah, I don't need a face on it, though.

Okay, I'm just trying to, you know, brighten up your life.

But no, it's very nice and chilled to wrap the breastfeeding pillow around you while you're doing your crosswords, listening to birds' song, reflecting on your day.

And then you can use it almost as a desk when you

find yourself with

a two-hour script for a

you know, bonus BBC sounds content to write in exactly two hours yes yes yes yes and I think it's really unfair that they demand that of you every single week yeah me too it's really that they

do you must script 12 minutes worth of content every Saturday morning

and then you slide it into bed and it can act as you know a placid partner a love-making device a spoony not a love-making device actually Alice

Alice that's disgusting

and you can put it between your knees to help your hips while you're sleeping because it's good to have things between your knees but what i opt for is the pregnancy pillow arms round pillow between the knees yes and we're out like a light listening to the owl oh because there's an owl outside of my window i want to have a great stag and i got two new sheds well done yeah

j2 sheds

you've got a small garden isn't it just full of sheds now it's just sheds what's in your sheds john walk out of the back door and into a shed.

Show us your sheds?

No, I'm not showing you a shed.

What have you got in your sheds then?

Nothing.

Oh, why did you buy two of them then?

Because they look leaking.

Okay.

Mower?

No.

Trowel.

Oh, yeah, I've got a trowel.

Yeah.

Poems?

No, they're all in the tip.

Okay.

I won an Astagdu you'd have loved on Friday night.

I doubt it.

Oh, yeah.

Well, let me tell you what it was.

Yes, please.

Stagdoo was,

whenever you fancy turning up, you could, to Surrey surrey vs yorkshire at the oval first day county championship brilliant uh my friend jonathan wilson the great football writer uh who uh what does jonathan wilson like obviously football because he writes lots of books about football he also loves cricket and murder mysteries three things he likes so he said right listen i'm going to do cricket you're welcome to join me at one point we were one percent of the crowd Oh, amazing.

There were 80 of us there at one stage.

Then, what else does Jonathan like?

He likes curry.

So he booked the team.

He booked curry for 55.

I I want to marry him yeah it was me where do you go for 55 percent curry place in Kennington I was sat next Kennington Tandoori yes Ken Clark's curry house no it was the one I think that's a different one that's about the targets up

uh it was Kennington Tandoori I think Kennington Tandoori is Kennington is that Ken Clark's right okay we went to Ken Clark's Curry house

I was sat opposite the great man himself I was sat opposite uh Barry Glendenning uh what I was sat next to Miguel Delaney who works for the independent Barney Rone, and to my left, Jonathan Wilson's financial advisor.

So we talked about tax.

Did you?

We talked about AC Milan.

We talked about the great AC Milan team of 1989.

He doesn't care about that.

All right, well, I can't remember because I had seven pints.

Did you...

Did you have the naga?

That's Ken Clark's curry in Ken Clark's curry house.

Jonathan is extreme, is how can I put this?

I don't want to use the word.

Okay, he's tight.

So he'd he's

so he'd got a deal.

deal.

He'd got a deal.

So we all had cheaper curry, but it was a set menu.

So it was a set menu.

He also.

Had he paid for it?

No, he hadn't paid for it, but it was a much cheaper price than it would have been.

But

why is he saving?

Is he so tight?

He's trying to save everyone money.

He was saving everyone money.

He got a deal on entry as well.

But I think also.

Also, after tea, it's free to go in to watch a cricket, which is fantastic.

The cricket is a great day out.

It's a shoestring stag.

It's a shoestring stag.

I love it.

It's a shoestring stag.

80.

There were 80 people in his WhatsApp group.

Yeah.

Like Izzy, he was like, are you going to look at it?

He was like, no.

He just never likes me.

That's a huge stag.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was, but also, because.

Did he call ahead to the curry house to pre-book this deal?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Days and weeks in advance.

But because I would imagine, you know,

in fairness to him, it's easier for the curry house to say, right, we'll do 55 of this.

Yeah, yeah.

55 of this.

So it was a set menu.

So.

Whole curry house booked out.

Pretty much, yeah.

I think everyone there was Wilson-based.

So he wrote Inverting the Pyramid, the history of football tactics and lots of other things.

Yeah, right, okay.

The perfect stepdad's Christmas present.

He's actually written the perfect stepdad's Christmas present.

And then on his birthday, he inverted the Pilao mid.

What do we make?

We'll keep it in.

What do we make?

To show that you're followable.

So I had had great chat from Glenn Denning, great chat from Roni, great chap

from Miguel Delaney.

Wilson, obviously, holding court, his financial advisor, kept talking about how much he was having an amazing time.

So this is probably the best tag do I've ever been on, apart from my own, which you organised, which was very good.

Came to him late, didn't it?

It's the best stag do I've ever been.

I wasn't even there.

But then I ate too much curry because it was so delicious and I had to go home early because I was too full.

What time did it go on till after you left, you know?

Well, they were all covering the FA Cup the next day.

Oh, were they?

I don't know.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

This is good.

They were all covering the FA Cup final.

What a week he's had.

And I went to the screening of Tim Key's new film, which is absolutely sad.

I'm the only shot who wasn't invited to that.

Oh, every bloody bugger on Instagram.

Pictures of Tim Keyes' film.

Like Johnny J are just chatting trauma all week.

Yes, yeah.

And guess what I did?

I did a live podcast at a food festival with ex-rugby player Joe Marla and Tom Kerridge.

Yeah, you did.

That sounds like it was well paid.

Because there is no reason for you to go there.

That was unturned downable.

Because everything about that says turn down.

No.

No.

You've been quite vocal about your apathy towards rugby with a girl.

You know, my waitress.

Who sponsored it?

No, Joe was on Distant Pod.

Who sponsored it?

Tesla.

And I really, really like Joe and he's great company.

Got to be honest, didn't know Kerridge would be in attendance.

Oh, very nice.

And Tom Fordyce, who used to write the scripts for a podcast I used to do that was

cancelled, who I really like as well, asked me to go on it and it was great.

We had a good time at the food festival, and my son won a hula hoop competition for hula hooping, and his prize was 18 apples.

Wow.

When was this festival in Victorian Britain?

I've eaten two apples a day for the last seven days and still apples left.

This is the most anecdotes you've ever had.

I know, it's been a big week, and I could go to Ivor Grimm's book launch.

Imagine if I'd got to that.

It would have been anecdote after anecdote.

You have been invited to Tim Keys screenings.

Oh, subsequently.

Because we've got him on next week.

I was going to go to a dinner for Mo Salah, but I couldn't get a babysitter.

Why were you going to a dinner for Mo Salah?

Because I know people at the Times, John.

I matter.

Yeah, but

does Mo Farah think you matter?

No, not Mo Farrah, Mo Sala.

Oh, Mo Sala!

Mo Sala.

It's like the Football Writers Association.

Was Mo Sala there?

It was in honour of Mo Sala.

Was he going to be there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He'd have been there.

He's not retired.

No, no, they all were.

They did a.

I went to the Torre one a couple of years ago.

Ah, yeah.

They just talk about how great a footballer is.

When are they going to do one of those dinners for me?

How great a footballer you are.

Yeah, get all loads of sports journalists.

That's what I'm doing.

To come to a curry for me.

Yeah.

You would have fitted in.

You would have fitted in at the

thinking my sheds are an achievement.

It is.

I didn't put them up myself.

What else did I do?

You did or you didn't put them up yourself?

I didn't put them up myself.

No.

I'm still a bit intrigued as to what goes in the sheds.

Plural.

It's just something to do.

So what, yeah.

Well, because of my snoring,

Izzy went to a car boot sale.

In the middle of the night.

Everyone's got their headlights headlights on and put their car in reverse so you can see the boots.

No, she went to a car bootster, came back very, very pleased because she slept in the attic twice this week because of my snoring.

The curry was an issue.

You know, 10 p.m.

curry is going to cause snoring in the best of us.

You've got to sleep on your front.

I'm sleeping on my, it's more on my side.

And I'd been to the pub as well.

Was it the snoring that was an issue after a while?

I slept in the same bed as Betty, and she woke up at two in the morning to record my snoring on the phone.

Get it out.

No, I'm not.

No, because I listened to it and it made me feel physically sick.

Anyway, intense, are they?

Anyway,

Izzy came back very, very pleased, saying, I think I've sorted your snoring.

I bought you this mouth guard.

But it's sort of a caboose, so it's second.

No one guard.

Some dead bloke's mouth guard.

I said, I'm not putting that in my mouth.

But does a mouth guard help?

That's grinding your teeth.

Yeah,

it's called something like the snoozer later.

Yeah, and from the box, it looks like it was made in the 80s.

I bought one of those once and you put it in immediately.

You just start retching.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's no good.

So I don't know what...

I don't know what.

I've bought a new kind of nasal strip and that seems to get operation.

That seems to, yes.

That seems to do the trick broadly.

As long as I don't eat late.

And if I don't drink booze, they're two big things.

Yeah.

And my midnight dairy milk because I have to go out of the window.

I can't do that anymore because chocolate and dairy seems to be an issue.

But yeah, the old second-hand mouth guard.

Do you want it a third-hand mouth guard?

No, I can't say that I do.

But yeah.

Lovely.

Well, isn't it?

So, what are you talking about on Distant Pod this week?

Because we've got all those anecdotes, haven't we?

Yeah, they're so Bubs is an absolute anecdote machine.

Were they all premieres just then?

Are they all premieres?

Yeah.

What?

Bubs is an anecdote machine.

And on the history podcast, we talk about history.

And last week, hair gel.

Oh, nice.

So it's just, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know.

This is all my anecdotes get premiered on this because Bubbs is an anecdote machine.

So we've had Hugh Grant, we've had Mo Salah.

Yeah.

Joe Marla.

Yeah.

What are we?

Tim Key.

Tim Key.

Tom Fordyce.

Tom Fordyce.

A financial advisor.

Financial advisor.

Ken Clark.

Second and mouth guard.

18 apples.

We are recording two podcasts today.

They've all gone now.

Yeah, I was sort of late on John for the second one.

But I just thought I thought I'd chuck them all.

I can't mention the sheds again.

But I thought I'd just chuck them all at John to see what he would

use in a sort of blunderbuss scattergun approach.

I enjoyed all of them.

Yeah, I did, actually.

I feel like I've had a busy week now.

I have had a busy week.

Should have been Ellis Wins again.

Yeah, it should have been Ellis Wins again.

A lot of wins there.

Yeah.

Well, to add to the anecdote, Tally,

I had a huge revelation this week.

Did me, Dave?

Well, God exists.

God exists.

He might do.

Or not.

Or she.

Or she.

Or an ox.

What is it?

Or a fox?

Or a fox.

Or an orc.

And orcs.

Is it and orcs and aura fox?

I can't remember.

It was definitely aura fox because he was convinced it was a stake of dog mess.

And I kept saying, I kept going into bat on behalf of foxes.

Yeah.

For some reason.

And it kind of relates to you a little bit, John.

So

there's a family that we know, we're very close to called the Murrays, who, when I was a kid, we used to go on holiday together.

We used to go and and see them down south.

They used to come up to the north.

And it was friends of cultural exchange.

No, just my parents were very, and I still are very close with their parents.

So John and Sally Murray are very close to me.

Where did they meet?

I think they met at school.

I should know.

They met at

school or just after, I think.

Okay.

Anyway, very close.

Very close.

So across my early years, my former years, very close with their kids.

And it was great.

We always used to go

sit there, I was play cricket in their hallway.

Love went to the beach because he lived down on the beach.

It was really, really nice.

And James is the lad who's kind of closest to my age.

So I spent a lot of time with James.

Haven't seen him as much over the years, but he listened.

He does listen.

Yes.

He does listen.

And I follow him a little bit in terms of what he's up to.

The one thing that passed me by over the past two years, because he posted something on his Instagram this week, is that he's just about to retire from being

or hand back the role of being mayor of Thornbury, John?

What are you talking about?

He's been the mayor of Thornbury for the past two years.

John mentioned that John's been

lying.

I'm not lying.

I swear, I saw either of you.

Have either of you said a word of truth

where John grew up, Thornbury in Leicestershire.

So I saw the picture.

And I thought it was a joke at first because, A, James,

to me, feels too young to be a mayor of anywhere.

That's the name of his autobiography, too young to be mayor.

Yeah, well, that was James Murray story.

Because I've since seen pictures of all the mayors that went before James, and traditionally, mayors are usually 50 plus, I'd say.

Is Thornby Thornbury cut a hip happening in town?

No.

Okay.

So I texted my mom and I was like, is James having a laugh?

He's not.

This is some sort of joke that I'm not getting.

He's not been mayor of Thornbury.

I'm like, yeah, he has.

Where have you been?

It's been all over his Facebook ministry.

Why hasn't he called me in as an advisor?

Or a strategist?

Well, or a ceremonial squire.

Yeah,

you could be the sheriff of Thornbury.

I could be the sheriff of Thornbury, Dave.

Well, one white glove.

I thought.

Why haven't I been asked to star in a parade?

I could be the John Robbins.

Listen.

James is hanging up his chains.

Maybe there is a route here for you to be the next mayor of Thornbury.

Who knows?

Either way, I thought it would be wise, mainly just to say hello and say, sorry that I had missed this big news for the past two years, to get James on the line.

So James Murray, former Mayor of Thornbury, is on, and I thought you could have a lovely matter with him, John.

This is huge.

It is huge.

Right.

Hi, James.

Everyone on best behaviour.

We are in the presence of the Mayor of Thornbury.

James, sire.

How are you?

I am very well, and it's incredibly kind of you, Your Honour.

to ask me how I am.

Can I just check that our forms of address are correct?

What is your official uh address?

My former title now would probably be former mayor of Thornbury because I hung up the chains last week.

So, and what work is done in a way?

Do I still call you?

Or is it like a president?

Are you still

former mayor Murray?

I've still got you know, close protection and all that security detail.

The good, sir right, Sir Lord, Sir Venerable, in all his regalia's most fitting, Mayor James Murray, MP.

James,

you strike me with the greatest of respect as being too young and hip and happening to be mayor.

And so, what next?

The Mayor of Yeat?

Chippenham?

I haven't got great plans with my political career.

I think that might have been it.

So,

how did you become Mayor of Thornbury in the first place?

A resident of Thornbury for 10 years or so,

and

got fed up with moaning about things and went after change myself.

Lord

Lord Squire Murray

of the most venerable order of mayors,

what were the key challenges in shaping Thornbury for a digital Britain?

So, what did you do?

I think he's asking.

What did I do?

Open a few charity shops.

Okay.

Then close them down again.

That's just business rates.

Carry on.

Well, did the first anniversary birthday party as well.

So I did two terms.

So did a charity shop opening and its first birthday, which was a privilege.

That is a privilege indeed.

James, Thornbury is obviously the digital key to a future South West, if I can be so bold.

Were you a key part in forming the strategy to make Thornbury the Silicon Valley of the UK?

I'd say probably not a key component of that, no.

We've got the power station.

Yes, you.

Well, that's in Aldbury, isn't it?

It is, yeah.

Do you claim that as your own?

Is there a mayor of Aldbury?

Or

do you take Aldbury and the surrounds by force or by legislature?

It has its own parish, but no mayor, I don't believe.

Interesting.

Interesting.

So we've got the power station.

How much work is it a week, James?

How much are working?

A huge amount, more than I expected with three children, a dog, a wife.

That's not the population of Thornbury.

There are many more people than that.

It's a thriving business hub and a cultural exchange, twinned with Buckenham.

Bockenham, I think, yep.

Correct.

And somewhere in France.

Yes.

Corville, Suryeu?

I think.

Just Bockenham.

Okay, just Bockenham.

Fine.

Historic twinning, maybe.

Did you get to go to Bockenham?

No, sadly.

Oh, my God.

What are the perks then?

Yeah, what are the perks?

That's a good question, actually.

What did you feel like were the little flourishes to the role of mayor?

Other than being, you know, a pillar of the community and involved in all the.

That's a given.

I got a little pin badge when I left saying former mayor.

Great.

That was quite impressive.

Hadn't taken it off.

James, so you oversee council meetings, don't you?

Yeah, so you're the chair of the council.

So is there lots of like you have no authority here, Jackie Weaver moments?

We had a massive Jackie Weaver moment when I was

elected as mayor, because you get elected within the council, so it's not a public election, it's a council election.

And there was a big, contentious 8-8 vote that

went back to the existing chair to make a call call on and he infamously voted for himself oh wow to continue in the role

the role as as what as mayor wow this was two years ago so what happened so he continued in the role until the next meeting when he was when he stood down and i took over

james This is a hard-hitting podcast that doesn't flinch from difficult topics.

You have overseen some of Thornbury's darkest days with the pedestrianisation of the High Street.

There are now plans to reverse the decision at an enormous cost to the taxpayer.

What are your thoughts and feelings?

Yeah,

it's been a long few years.

In fact, my first meeting

as a councillor, I had to chair a meeting where there was about 150 people at the meeting.

There's usually one or maybe two.

And the high street was a big hitting topic.

It's a good space now.

I'm only saying that because I've got a coffee van that sits on it quite a lot.

Um,

so it's a beautiful space to relax with a flat white.

Um,

is it a beautiful space to prop up historic businesses, heritage, hoarders, Ridderfords?

Some great names.

In fact, John Ridiford lit the beacon of VA VE Day celebrations last week, yes,

and did the pedestrianization of the high street douse his fire.

Sorry about this.

No, I thought it was mad.

This has gone in a very different direction to what I expect.

I was going to ask you about his chains.

I didn't prep you for this, James.

Are they going to reverse it?

John, do you hate the mail?

No, I hate the pedestrianisation of Thornbury High Street.

It's old news.

New news is parking charges.

That's the big contentious issue at the moment.

Here we go.

Have you?

Has Thornbury, not you, James, has Thornbury at some level got an anti-business agenda and a pro-level level, yes, yes, and a pro-flat white agenda,

absolutely.

Coffee number one's gain

is boots is loss.

Yeah, I've always said that.

Yeah, let's bring it back.

If John was to be Mayor of Thornbury, how would he get on?

What are the types of things that you do that I'd love to see kind of where John's sensibilities lie?

How do you feel you would be John?

I've been tearing up those cycle lanes

Or leave a meeting.

Would you

chair a town meeting?

Well, oh, he'd absolutely love that.

I'm not sure I would be a force for neutrality in Thornbury Council.

I would obviously treat the ceremonial role with the greatest dignity and respect.

I would.

But, and this is a red flag, John has considered starting a political party called Common Sense.

I'd join.

I would get Thornbury fit and physically fit.

Yes, and it would be under a programme called Thirst Trap Thornbury, Biceps for Britain,

where

I would aim to get, you know, the highest percentage of skeletal muscle mass for any market town

in the southwest and then in the UK.

And we would do, we would, we would finally make some use of the pedestrianised high street by doing press-ups all along it.

And then weigh-in Wednesdays.

Weigh-in Wednesdays.

It's not weight-based.

Yeah, not focused on weight, focused on fitness.

But the fancy scales will tell them they're skeletal mass.

And

steroid Sundays.

Steroid Sundays.

Dave's just handed me some images of you, James.

They are very moving.

You are, in fairness, making use of the high street for Remembrance Day.

You're at the Rotary Swim-a-thon.

I've swum in that swimming pool.

I bet you have.

Have you swum in that swim-a-thon?

Swim marathon?

No, but I did hold my breath underwater until a lifeguard told me to cease.

And

I allowed,

I followed his guidance because he outranked me.

But as mayor, finally, the tables are turned so I can hunt him down and show him how long I can hold my breath for because I can hold it for three minutes.

Wow.

Yes, I can, Dave.

No, you can't.

Yes, I can.

John, vaping doesn't count as holding your breath.

It does.

It would.

Can you imagine?

There's no way you can hold your breath.

There's no way you can hold your breath.

I can hold my breath.

In three minutes.

Now, in this day and age.

In this day and age, Dave, in digital Britain.

Nonsense.

It'd be tough podcast content to make him do it.

We'll just play more of Adrian Childs reading Colins.

And so, yes, lovely images.

What do you do for a living, James?

So you'll know the barrel.

Yes.

is that a pub?

Yeah, I used to go there at lunchtime when I was at school, which I shouldn't say, but it's fine.

It was ages ago.

Coke and study, just for a coke and study.

I once got barred from using the jukebox at the barrel because I put on

a fall at your feet by crowded house on repeat too many times.

I put it on five times in a row, and they said I wasn't to use it anymore.

So I closed down the barrel and gentrified it.

Oh my god, James!

To what is now Hawke's house, a neighborhood cafe bar.

There you go.

Sounds lovely.

Sounds lovely, doesn't it?

Change is good.

First the high street, now the bloody barrel.

Dave, you haven't thought this through.

Because

James is a progressive.

Yeah, he is.

And he thinks that Thornbury should embrace change.

It should embrace AI.

James is a technocrat.

Yeah, whereas actually...

What John likes is he likes continuity in the past.

Past.

Continuous corners and Reddits.

Well, I want local local businesses to have customers.

Yeah, I think we all do.

Do we, Dave?

And the barrel didn't have any customers.

I think that was the main problem.

Yeah, we were.

You only sell for lunchtime.

Yes.

And

yeah, it was just six form students having diet cokes and small bowls of chips, which does not a business make.

But, you know, they did.

I'm making quite a good business out of small bowls of chips, actually.

Are you?

Oh, does this sound like that?

I also infamously got told I only sell

thumbnail fulls of chips for £3.

And how did you respond?

It's all about margins.

Yeah.

Did you get your mace out?

I have a mace bearer or had a mace bearer.

What does that mean?

Someone who walks in front of me with a mace to fend off any attackers.

At all times?

No, just on Remembrance Day, actually, it turned out.

God, I mean, what an awful thing to do to attack a mare on Remembrance Day.

Yeah.

It would be a ceremonial attack, would it?

I think

there were better times, like when I was walking the dog or

in that council meeting where everyone had a go at you.

Are you going to stay in politics, James?

I'm still a councillor.

Okay, that's good.

For the next couple of years.

Do you have like a sort of tagline, like James Murray, fighting for Thornry?

Yeah,

but do you have like a do you have a slogan?

No.

Well, we could come up with 10.

Well, we could come up with one, I'm sure.

Well, I quite like fighting for Thornbury.

I thought that was quite nice, John.

Thornbury matters matter.

You need the commas doing a lot of heavy lifting there, I think, isn't it?

Yeah, that's true.

Thornbury matters matter.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well,

make flat whites great again.

Yeah, back to the coffee.

Absolutely.

Well, this has been really genuinely quite interesting.

Very interesting.

I didn't realise a mayor was such a political role.

I did.

I thought it was purely ceremonial.

No, it's non-political.

I'm an independent.

Right.

So

you're not standing on a pro-flight flat white ticket.

Not.

I'm not.

You want a world in which local business thrives and people have flat whites on picnic tables outside the swan.

Absolutely.

Well, thank you very much, James.

This has been a very, very illuminating.

Why did the knot of rope change its name?

Back to the Malth House.

Hmm.

Historic name, I think.

Hmm.

But the Thornbury knot knot is very historic i've got it on a farthing

there's the wheat sheaf yes is the black horse still there

yeah i used to drink blackthorn in there when i was 14.

it's got a lot of pubs hasn't it and then and they're all in fairness still going aren't they you're still going the george yes yes never used to go in there that was a bit

and the swan the swan's still going yeah so they're all going apart from the one that you closed down james is that what you're saying well that's still going it wouldn't have been still it was closed down when i bought bought it.

Oh, okay, fine.

He's breathing life back into Thornbury one breath at a time.

There's the tagline, John.

That's lovely.

Is the anchor still there?

Yep.

Which one?

There's two.

What?

James Dowdswell, the comedian.

His parents used to, and maybe still do, run the anchor.

I don't think they do.

Maybe the anchor in Aldbury.

Oldbury anchor, or there's the Morton Way anchor.

There's two anchors.

Yeah, there are two.

We are now just discussing ones from John's past.

James, which in fairness is what we've done for a decade.

That was great.

Thanks so much.

And lovely to speak to you.

Love to the family, mate.

Love to John and Southern Portugal at the minute, aren't they?

As far as I'm aware, yeah.

I think so.

This is a normal way to catch up, isn't it?

It is, yeah.

Well, great to chat.

Thank you.

Thank you, James.

Former mayor, James Murray of Thornbury.

Wow.

Thanks, guys.

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Well, there you go.

It's not every day you chat to a mayor, is it, Dave?

It's not.

Very well spoken, Mayor.

And you, for two years,

have had a direct line to the seat of power in Thornbury that we haven't used.

I didn't know.

I could have made structural changes, Dave.

Maybe I did know, and I just didn't want you to know.

If my

mom said my mum knew I had mayor of Thornbury's phone number,

I could have texted him about the pedestrianization every day.

And then he could have blocked you.

He's got three kids.

He's got a full-time job.

He owns a business and was mayor of Thornbury.

Just, I mean, I can't even stretch my quads and I haven't got any kids or a wife or many jobs.

You are the exact opposite of James Murray, in a way.

I am in a way.

I'm no bad thing.

I'm the un-mayor of Thornbury.

Good.

Should we do a few emails?

Let's do some.

We've had

so many emails about skiving.

Yes, this was a few weeks ago now, Dave.

Well, we talked about skyving.

Why did we talk about skyving?

Someone had written in with a skiving email.

But we do encourage diligence and we do encourage honest working, don't we?

I think these are just small, little.

I don't think it matters either way.

I think we're allowed to encourage skyving, Dave.

I don't think that's an issue.

We've had loads of

work hard, isn't it?

It does.

Take them for all you can get.

It does make me feel a bit like how I felt at the Oval on Friday when I walked in to the ground at quarter past four and there were 6,000 people there.

And I thought, shouldn't you all be at work?

Yeah.

It was because Ellis had a fantasy of running a failing company.

Yes.

That's why we were talking about it.

We've had so many in.

This is from Richard.

Hi, guys.

I'm listening to the part on route to my office in Chicago, America.

Whoa.

Illinois, USA, stateside.

The windy city.

Tennessee, Dave.

The topic of non-jobs reminded me that one afternoon at work years ago, a person came round our office to water the plants.

My friend sat next to a lot of fake plants, made a polite conversation, said, You don't need to water this one.

It's fake.

The person quickly but quietly replied, I know, but the office manager doesn't, and I'm paid per plant.

Keep it between us.

No.

A nod and a glance of respect that day, and at least once a week for the next three years that I left the company.

I wonder if this is still happening.

Thanks for the vibes, Richards.

I wonder how much you're getting per plant.

Yeah, this is

amazing, right?

We've had so many Skyving emails.

I love them.

And it's John and Dave.

Further to a recent talk around Skyving, I'd like to share a story for my last role as a middle manager at a large medical firm.

I mostly worked from home and after a few months of settling in, I'd got myself into a nice routine where I could work less than an hour a day.

My eyes lit up when my manager told me he was going to the Far East on holiday for three weeks.

I thought I'd take a nice little three-week holiday myself to coincide with his break from his one-hour a day job.

So for three weeks I checked my emails between nine and nine.

Thirty, set my teams to do not disturb, set an out-of-office saying I was working on an important project, and then took the rest of the time off for some RR.

Nobody seemed to notice.

When my boss returned, he'd call me in for a meeting.

I thought I'd been rumbled.

Not so.

He wanted to praise me for my performance over the year and awarded me some shares in the company, which I'd be able to cash in three years later for the princely sum of twelve thousand pounds quarter.

There's loads of these.

It's incredible.

Alas, I left soon after as the boredom was too much, but I always think fondly of the time I took three weeks off in full pay.

Nobody noticed and I was awarded twelve pounds.

I also had a nice Skype going on in my previous role.

However, this was a tag team effort.

Myself and the guy in the office next to me spent most of the day talking about football.

And if anybody came near either of our offices, we'd just shut the door, point at the map of the UK on the wall, and pretend we were having an important meeting.

My colleague Andy didn't really give an S as he was a millionaire.

Millionaire?

Why, you may ask?

Well, let's marvel at how many Ellis and John threads Andy can pull together.

You see, Andy's father-in-law owned a company called Hall Soft Drinks, their prime product being none other than Panda Pops, which you'll be serving at your youth club for the under-35s.

But after selling the drinks business, Andy's father, I quote here, built Tenerife before retiring to become Ian Rush and Marques's agent.

What a life.

Wow.

Andy was a great guy who's since retired.

He was the best Skyve partner one could have asked for.

Keep up the good work.

Don't forget to involve some North Walians in the company connection from time to time as the marginalisation of the North is palpable out on the streets here now.

James Ingran Conroy.

I've got

two good Skyving emails.

This is from, I think this is anonymous.

Yes.

I was

a self-employed contractor in financial services when the first lockdown hit in 2020.

When the company I was working for realised they didn't know what to do with me, I was sadly laid off.

Fortunately, I was able to jump onto a new contract within a couple of months, which was lockdown-proof and 100% work from home.

It quickly became apparent that the organisation was disorganised, morally reprehensible, and in severe financial difficulty.

The contract was initially for six months, and I expected to be laid off after that, but decided to put in maximum effort to give myself the best shot of being retained.

After a couple of weeks, I was talking to a colleague discussing how much work we'd done.

When I told him, he said, I think you're doing slightly too much, mate.

I'd been worried this was the case, particularly as no one actually seemed to be measuring or checking my output.

I downed tools for a few days to see what the consequences were, and there were none.

I tested it out for a week.

Still nothing.

Then I'm not ashamed to say, I took the P.

My wife and I had our first child in late 2019, so I took this opportunity to spend even more quality time with him, occasionally checking on emails and chats to make sure I wasn't missing anything.

This carried on for a few months until

inexplicably my contract was extended.

I took the extension as an endorsement of my work ethic and continued bonding with my son and enjoying family time.

Then a second inexplicable thing occurred.

I was promoted.

The promotion increased my day rate, but again, no one appeared to be the least concerned with what I was or wasn't doing.

The contract grew larger and larger and eventually I disappeared into the crowd and no one paid me any attention.

A few weeks I only switched on my laptop to send my invoice to the financial team and by the end I didn't know who my manager was or what I was supposed to be doing.

Throughout the contract I earned 215 to 230 quid per day and essentially did no work for the final six months until they laid off all the contractors just before Christmas.

I've never found losing a job funny before but on this occasion I couldn't help but think I deserved it.

The company went bust eventually, but I feel no guilt.

It was a terrible organisation.

I now work for a charity, so at least I'm doing some good in the world.

Please keep me anonymous.

Cheers.

Wow.

There's nothing funnier than not only are you getting away with it, when you get rewarded for it, a promotion.

I'd love to know how they decided on that promotion.

Yeah.

What they looked at, but maybe he's just really charming.

It's amazing, you know, charm can go very far in a job.

Yeah.

And you can get away with a lot.

I wonder if, like,

say you've got three people who are up for the job,

three people you could promote.

Like, one of them really annoys you.

Yeah.

And one of them, I don't know, you fancy.

And you're like, oh, who's the one that we've never heard of that guy?

Let's do him because he's a safe option.

Yeah.

Maybe it's that.

Right then.

So if you would like to get in touch, you can send your correspondence to ellisandjohn at bbc.co.uk.

Shall we have a little listen to what we chatted chatted about with Adrian?

Oh, yes.

We had a bit of fun, didn't we?

We always do.

Always have a bit of fun with Adrian.

John, I've got a golf wall I'd like to share with you.

Yes, dear.

Last week I was in Inverness and

I got somebody organised me to play nine holes at Castle Stewart.

To my horror, because it's like a championship course.

I'm just not good enough.

Didn't have any clubs.

And it went along.

Well, I guess you're going to struggle to do any holes.

Anyway, but no, they said, Well, we'll lend you a club.

So they played with two lovely fellas and lent me, the club lent me a set of the brand new tailor-made QI35 something or other.

And I started playing quite well.

And actually, I shouldn't use my phone on the course, but

I had a little look on my phone and I thought I'm going to buy a set of these.

But I saw they were three grand or something like that.

So, no, I won't bother.

Anyway, I was so pleased with myself.

Listen, I was so pleased with myself.

I hadn't lost a ball.

I was playing reasonably well.

And then it transpired, though I hadn't lost a ball on the sixth hole, I started looking for my seven-iron, and I realised I'd lost it on the course somewhere.

So I'd lost a seven-iron worth more than my car, but I still had the ball.

Anyway, I found it in the end.

The three-ball behind got it, but I honestly, I thought I was going to have to do a runner over the fence somewhere.

Bruce.

Someone always hands it in, Adrian.

They're a good bunch, but expensive doesn't mean better.

Yeah, and also, you've got to get fitted for golf clubs, so they might not have suited your swing.

In fact, I know they wouldn't suit your swing.

Like, I used my six-year-olds' golf clubs on holiday, and they were too small.

Yeah, they're far too small.

Yeah, you've got to watch that.

I never know what it means by

my swing is different every time I swing, so nobody's going to find anything to

touch it.

So,

any other business other than a made-up game that features you

coming up after your show at one o'clock.

Go on then.

Yeah, where we were trying to guess

durations of time in our minds.

And to put us off, Dave played

audio of you reading out your Guardian columns.

Right.

Well, not just to put us off, to enthrall us, to entrance us.

And to enthrall us.

So that we can learn about ourselves and society and your rhinols.

Yeah, and to enchant us.

So, yeah,

it's, and it was incredibly off-putting.

Was it slash enchantment?

Slash enchanting.

No, I'm talking about the duration of the game

in terms of the gameplay itself.

Adrian, you are the Samuel Pepys of the Roadchef generation here.

It's funny you should say that because

I wrote my column this week at

the last minute in

Tamworth Services sitting next to a woman from Newcastle eating a bargain bucket of KFC right next to me.

And I've

got the people of this country.

You are the lived experience of Britain.

Yeah.

If you were a car, you'd be a Toyota Yaris, Idrian.

What was the column on?

Sometimes the only conversation I get is when someone at the Virgin Smith asks me if I want to whisper when I get to the chill.

That was about 70% a good activity.

I've had some of my best chats in phone bits.

I'll tell you exactly what it was about.

It was about

something cropped up at an auction for £10

starting price.

A tie I once signed when I was TV hot property.

And it was nothing so tragic you've ever seen in all your life.

Even though I got my name wrong.

The idea anybody was going to buy it was fanciful.

And actually, it's been dropped from the auction before.

Well, maybe

a private bidder, maybe a Japanese collector has just made them a huge offer to secure it.

Yeah, no, would you get any of the money, Idrian, if a Japanese collector offered 100 grand for the title?

Great artists never, you know, the price, you know, I've still got one of your doodles signed.

Have you?

Yeah, from where you're still on it, don't stick it on an auction site.

What, you know, what?

Oh, god, no, it's going to be framed.

What, whatever you do.

Actually, I'm just going to who's got the phone on?

I'm just going to send it to.

I've got my phone on.

We've all got our phones on it.

Okay, all right.

I'm just going to, just your, I'm just going to, this is great radio now, me seeing it.

It's great radio.

Something.

So

I'm sending it to you, Ellis, since your numbers come up.

Thank you.

Since your numbers come up first.

Actually, my flipping phone's frozen.

Hold on a second.

Here we go.

There you go.

And

you will laugh.

You will laugh when you say.

Has it popped up yet, Ellis?

Yeah.

Oh, lovely.

It's the kind of tie I'd have worn to a christening in about 1990.

Yeah.

Adrian Chiles interest.

Adrian Chiles, they've misspelled your name both times,

owned and won necktie TM Lewin originally donated to, but it doesn't say.

And it's gone, it's on for a tenor.

Yeah, that's been withdrawn, though, because there was.

That's actually cheaper than it costs new.

Yeah, I know.

Well, if they managed to erase the name of it,

it might be worse.

Anyway,

I gave in to despair, but at least I thought

the humiliation, I can counter it by squeezing squeezing a column out about it.

Anyway, listen, I better go.

I bet Adrian's done some skyvy jobs in his time.

Well, he doodles whilst talking to politicians.

But in a productive way.

Yes, I think it helps him focus, actually.

I think it keeps him in touch with Britain.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Keeps his finger on the pulse.

Maybe that's that's his podcast.

What?

Well, there's a lot of hard-hitting interviews with politicians these days.

But what no one's doing is doodling whilst interviewing politicians.

So if the politician and Child doodle at the same time.

You're a head of content.

Yes.

Mad there.

Completely

doodling on a podcast.

And then, no, but what you then get, you get a psychologist to assess the doodle.

Here he comes.

All I'm saying is.

It seems like

there's a little thread there that could maybe lead to the, which is the promised land, a podcast with Adrian Giles.

Let's face it, but I don't think doodling is coming.

And it involves doodling.

No, it employ it, it involves the forecourt at Warwick services, is what it involves.

That's fine.

All humanity is here with Adrian Giles.

I reckon Adrian goes around to famous people's houses and he does a sort of in-depth through-the-keyhole.

So, he's walking around people's sheds and garages.

He's like, So, what's that then?

Oh, yeah, yeah, have you read that?

I like that idea, that is good.

And then the celebrity, whoever it is, is like, oh yeah,

I'd never use it.

She gives it a sole Christmas gift from my father-in-law.

Alright.

Would you consider selling it?

Are you just going to have it in the garage forever?

For an hour.

I think it's great.

I do.

Well, that's a good idea.

Well done.

Thank you.

Wow.

In the potting shed with Adrian Childs.

No.

Okay, Adrian Potters.

Oh, so close.

That's such a disappointment.

It was almost there.

That's a good idea.

We can work that up, can't we?

Yes.

We can get our brand strategists on it.

Well, do you think of something around for Chiles?

That's what happened.

Piles.

Miles.

Should we call it a day at that point?

We were a little bit tired.

Yeah, I'll go and get copies.

Get some copes.

It's the Bureau Deshonja the Mind released tomorrow, only on BBC Sounds.

And then we're back on Tuesday, aren't we, as well?

Another bit of fun.

Bye-bye.

Bye.