#438 - The Human Clock, Threads Be Cloves and Thanks For Jumping on That Call

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Hello everyone, the youth of Britain have a new champion, and it's not Terry Nutkins.

So long, Tezza, there's a new gang in town, and the only thing that's really wild about this show is how ruddy young it is.

That's right, according to the most recent radar figures, the Ellis James and John Robbins show is the most popular on-demand program across the BBC with the under-35.

What?

And it's easy to see why.

Dave arrived bang on 11 a.m.

with a kind of pep in his step only young people have.

As he kicked up his longboard into his hand, he said watcher to a security guard as he chewed the plastic wrapping from a frube.

Ellis rolled in at 11.45 with eyes like pissoles in the snow.

Uh-oh, someone was out late smoking blunts in the park.

He dug his hands into the pocket of his Cypress Hill hoodie and pulled out a baguette from Tesco's and a pack of Doritos.

Munchies 101.

Man must have been turnt.

John arrived on an electric scooter tuned to go faster than the legal limit and made sure to disregard guidance for safe carriage.

He'd brought it from the dark web along with 50 grams of DMT and some rare pogs.

As soon as he was in the door, he and videographer Izzy, 25, had a quick chat that would have left most over-30s needing a dictionary.

Sup, bruh, Izzy said.

Saul Gucci, John replied.

I'm low-key stressing about my

I'm low-key stressing about my vintage post.

You be listing threads?

Yeah,

just some cringe fits that look well chewy now.

Sometimes I can't believe what I used to wear back in the day.

Do you yasify your post?

Nah, bro, it's OG.

You're such a sigma.

Anyways, those trainers be snatched.

Yeah, they cost dollar, but you have to do it for the plot.

And with that, Ellis, Dave, and John hit the beanbags to chat about the show, eager to chat hip new segments, such as using contrasting textiles and fabrics such as animal print to reflect who they are.

An increased interest in wellness and engagement with AI-driven mood tracking apps, and the colour purple but not the film.

So, whether you're telling cap to your fam in order to chill with your bae, or yelling yeet at a cannon event attended with your squad, Ellis and John have got y'all back, your back.

Ewah.

Izzy said, ew.

That has to be a bad sign.

Izzy, whilst we've got you on the mic, fantastic acting, by the way.

Thank you so much.

Because I genuinely didn't understand a word of that.

Did all that make sense?

I think it did make sense.

Distinct lack of sleigh.

Sleighage.

Yay, where's the sleighage?

Sleighage is implicit, Dave.

Okay.

It's all sleigh, Dave.

It's all sleigh old day, isn't it?

Dave,

you're forgetting how young you are.

Izzy, talk Dave through some of the

terminology there.

Okay, so I'm assuming you know bruh.

Brother.

Yeah, kind of like brother.

Yeah.

Threads be cloves.

No, what?

No.

Cloves, not cloves, Dave.

Clothes.

Threads be clothes.

Not cloves.

Not clothes.

Did I say cloves?

Yeah, but Dave might have misheard that as cloves and thought it was about sort of how to make mulled wine.

And he likes making sort of chili con cards.

And he loves Christingle ceremonies.

Which is very young, actually.

It's supposed to be brownies.

But I know threads are clothes, so why are you telling me threads are clothes?

Because you asked, didn't you?

Well, it says threads be clothes.

Like threads be cloves.

I know they, I know.

Clothes.

Okay.

Not clothes.

Clothes.

And then Yasafi, like yasafi.

Dave.

Okay.

Honestly, it's like.

It's a good thing that some of our listeners are older as well because they're your constituency.

Honestly, it's like.

You side with the youth, Ellis.

I'm older than Lizzie.

So, Izzy, why am I such a Sigma?

What does that mean?

Because you're like super like confident.

He'd be slaying.

He's just sort of got that aura about him, you know.

But why Sigma?

Why the word Sigma?

I actually don't know.

I thought Sigma was someone who's who's just sort of slightly outside the pack.

With a cool guy in the corner, that's what the

sigma there.

That's what the parenting website suggested it meant.

Where are you getting these phrases from?

16 youth slang things for 2025 you need to understand about your kids.

I mean, yeah, you can be a bit of a sigma.

Oh, a man who is independent, self-reliant, and operates outside traditional social hierarchies.

I mean, that sounds like me, Dave.

Doesn't it?

You know, 30 years ago, people would have said a lone wolf.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And

what a Gucci.

It's all Gucci.

I just saw like Gerd.

Like the brand Gucci.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or Gucci, sorry.

Not the Gucci.

Not the Gucci.

And then Snatch, you'd be snatched.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because stolen, Dave.

Because someone was going to snatch you off the market.

No, because my trainers are so good, they look like I've stolen them.

Yeah.

But I would never say that about your trainers.

You would say that about my other trainers, but not the same thing.

Not the ones I'm wearing today.

All right.

Izzy.

Uh, good.

Well, we're learning, yeah.

So, there you go.

Also, Izzy refused permission to see the script before she read it, so she's reading that for the first time.

It's good.

I think if there are any casting agents listening, yes, they should bring her in because I thought she did a very good job there.

Oh, thanks, guys.

Yeah, thank you, Izzy.

It is mad, isn't it?

What we're the most listened to under 35s programme perfect sense, daddy.

Do you think

it's aspirational?

And young people need wisdom, yeah, they do, they need guidance, they need

guidance.

Oh, I don't mind it.

According to another blog I read, a lot of young people are seeking better school life balance this year.

Yeah, we're just, we're like three relatable scout leaders.

Yeah, and

they're managing their social media use.

And I think three relatable scout leaders, Bagheera, Shir Khan, and Baloo,

are perfectly positioned to guide young people through a very confusing time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Exactly.

Yeah, put down your toggles and that's going to have a wide game.

Woggles.

Woggles, is it?

Yeah.

Okay.

Izzy could be the nation's brown noel.

Yes, she could.

So, yeah, we are the most popular show on the BBC amongst under 35.

Sounds.

35s.

Yeah.

And that's young.

That's babies.

When we were originally signed to the BBC in a record-breaking deal.

Yeah.

Was it?

No.

Our job was to bring the average listener down from 57 to 55.

Yeah, which we've done with a plum.

A plum, Dave.

A plum.

The average rough 5-live listener is now seven years old.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because of us.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they're the key marketing demographic, even though the BBC is not allowed to market anything.

And that's why it matters.

Exactly.

Because it's okay to market to someone who doesn't have their own money.

We should be.

I'm not sure Five Live are marketing to seven-year-olds, John.

We should be talking about phonics and TYs and all the sort of other stuff that little seven-year-olds like.

Anyway, so we're proud to announce, as a result of this, Ellison John's Youth Club.

It's going to be the last Sunday of every month.

We've got a community hall in Roycelip, Ricelip.

And we're going to sort of gather around.

We're going to have meaningful conversations over Gimmer Pool.

Yeah, there's Pool, there's Ping Pong, there's

Panda Pop, there's chats about drugs, body changes.

How your body changes.

Consent and the Duke of Edinburgh Award.

Yeah, we're all going to Morocco.

Well, I'm going to Dartmoor because I don't like the heat.

Yeah.

Elis is going to Morocco.

I'm going to Morocco.

Dave has applied to take them to Falaraki.

Yeah.

I don't think that's Duke of Edinburgh appropriate.

No,

there's cultural learnings from Falaraki, John.

Well, Dave, I did see some of your original designs for the PowerPoint, and it actually says Puke of Edinburgh.

Yeah.

I thought it was funny.

You did think it was funny.

I thought it was a little bit playful.

So, there we go.

What young content have we got today?

Oh, Ellis is finding out if he's got any mutual connections with a Welsh person.

Who might be young?

Who might be young?

Or elderly.

Or

because we're a broad church on this show.

You can listen if you're seven.

You can listen if you're 700.

You certainly can.

Sorry, I took a sip of coffee there.

That's professional.

You know, when you got it wrong, Ellis, with Johnny Marr.

Oh, yeah.

And I thought,

how do you get it wrong when you've got time to prepare?

Yeah.

And it's just social skills at the end of the day.

It's only social skills and how much can really go wrong.

And I've always thought.

What is social skills and confidence?

And you're a sigma.

Yeah, and I'm a sigma.

You're a sigma.

Hierarchies.

Nuh-uh.

No, thank you.

No, it's just people to you.

They're just innate.

They're just people.

They're just bodies.

Met my hero.

Flesh wrapped in skin.

Met my hero on Wednesday night at the Arias, the Radio Academy Awards.

Chesney Hawks was there.

I met Chesney Hawks in 2001.

Did you?

Yeah, he sang at our college bop.

Yeah, it sounded like on the JCR president's floor in his room.

No, Chesney Hawks did.

We had him on Social She's a Sports Bar.

Lovely man.

He's a listener.

He's a lovely, lovely man.

West Time United fan.

Is he?

Yeah, yeah.

Which kind of makes this even worse because so I genuinely was.

So I've had a positive experience with Hawks.

Yes.

Neutral.

John's had a neutral experience with Hawks.

Oh, he was very good at the show, though.

I mean, I didn't really meet him long enough to have positive or negative.

No.

But you enjoyed the show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I would say that's positive.

I was there for the Queen Tribute Bound, to be honest.

Okay.

Well, I had a very, very positive experience.

He was very, very affable and approachable when I met him.

Admittedly on a Zoom.

On a Zoom.

Yeah.

Well, this was in the flesh.

On a Fox.

But he was very, very nice when I met him.

And I thought it was a a shoe-in because

what could go wrong?

A hundred different things could go wrong.

You'd get a paper cut on your willie.

You could have tripped down the stairs and twisted your ankle.

You could have spat on him by mistake.

You could have gone for an emergency wee and then popped it back in too quickly and dribbled all down your leg in lilac trousers.

They're all yours, Willie-based.

You could have got sunburned accidentally standing under a heat lamp in reception.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

Sorry.

There are eaten dog mess for a bet as front of him.

You could have had yogurt on your hand when you went to shake his hand.

Yeah.

I didn't.

I didn't.

Yeah.

But I saw him and I thought, this is my moment.

Yeah.

Because genuinely obsessed with his debut album.

Yeah, my mom.

I knew every track word for word.

Not disparaging to Hawks.

How many albums has he got?

Not sure.

We get to that.

Is debut album his album?

Hey.

When you say debut album.

Yeah, oh no, he's got others.

Yeah, because it came out in 1990.

Yeah, he's got others, but I thought nothing can go wrong.

Nothing can go wrong, Kier.

When I go up to my man Chesney, who I was obsessed with, I had a poster on the wall of Chesney playing his guitar.

He was very young, he was about 19 when that came out.

Yeah, he's great.

So I thought there couldn't be much that goes wrong because

you've done the background reading.

I've done the background reading, and that's the problem.

I ran up to him.

I'd had two beers, so I was confident.

I said, Chesney,

I have to just say um

thank you so much i love you the album is brilliant and his eyes lit up and he went the new album and i went no no no the debut album that i

made 33 years ago and immediately his faith bless him his face dropped he went oh and i went But I loved it.

I loved it so much.

But not just the one and only, every track.

Yeah.

Like I loved every track.

And he went, so have you heard the new one?

And I went, no, I've not.

No, I'm not Chesney.

this is this has backfired.

Because he went on Distant Pod to promote his new one.

Yeah, well, I didn't know he had a new one, and he has got a new one.

What's it called?

Living Arrows.

So it's only just come out.

Yeah.

In your defense, you haven't had time for it to percolate yet.

But I didn't.

No, it's a good point.

But when you run up to someone and say you love their album and then they ask, is it the new one that you love?

I've got nowhere to go then because unless I just lie.

But then there's going to be follow-up questions.

It would be like if I went up to John and said, I love your comedy.

And John went, oh, yeah.

And I said, yeah, the sort of extremely dark material you wrote about Harry Potter in 2005.

No, I think...

I would still take that as a compliment.

Would you?

Yeah.

Even though you've moved on creatively.

Yeah.

Still your stuff.

Yeah, totally.

Okay.

But I think perhaps.

I would be so staggered if somebody came up to me and said, I remember stuff you did.

Your scissors routine.

It's the best thing you've ever done.

But I think it's slightly different for Chesney because he is living in a world where more than any other artist, he's defined by one song.

Yeah.

So no one will have mentioned anything he has done in a long time without referencing the one and only.

Yes.

Now, it's a nice problem to have, but I think

it must be difficult when you think...

Ah, Dave's listened to my new album.

And then it's like, oh, no, we're back to every other scenario we've ever been in.

But that's where I thought I was going to go in strong because what I wasn't saying it was just the one track.

No, it was the record as a whole.

I loved the album, every track on it.

Nothing serious, feels so alive.

I'm a man, not a boy.

It was a good album.

I remember that too.

Yeah, mum liked that.

But then immediately he thought I meant the new one.

And then I could do nothing else apart from disappoint him.

I mean, which was a shame.

Actually, it ruined my evening.

But it's difficult because you sort of have to play the game.

So he plays the one and only twice or even three times live.

Yeah.

He's re-released it a a few times yeah so it came out as a single in 2022 did it yeah so you can't really

it you can't have it both ways not that i'm saying he wants to have it both ways but if you're sort of plowing that furrow yeah

you know you've got to accept that other furrows may may be on in the shadow because obviously what a furrow because obviously all musicians would love to have a massive hit and he had a massive hit also all musicians would like you to listen to their latest stuff.

Yeah.

And he's got such a friendly face that looks so disappointing.

Speaking of his face, he looks exactly the same.

It's insane.

If he wasn't a singer, if he was just a guy, you would be like, you've won the lottery of life.

He looks amazing.

It is.

It's unreal.

When you meet him, it is crazy.

Look at that, Dave.

That's the difference between 1990 Chesney.

And today, Chesney.

That's not 1990, Chesney.

Oh, sorry, I was speaking to a real fan.

Well, that's certainly...

Yeah, Yeah.

I get it.

And the guy has got the genes of a...

He's got lovely eyes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know,

the person who puts his son's blood in his neck.

He doesn't do that.

He doesn't do that.

I think he does, isn't he?

No, no.

What?

Yeah.

That's a tech billionaire called Brian Johnson.

Yeah.

Not Chesney Johnson.

Yeah, yeah, and I'm interested in his findings.

Yeah.

No, you're...

Yeah, Chesney Hawks doesn't.

No, no, Chesney Hawks doesn't put Brian Johnson's son's blood in his neck.

No, no, no.

He's not interested in Brian Johnson's son's blood plasma.

And not Brian Johnson, the commentator.

He did the Lego voice bits.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no, God.

Not Johnners.

Not Johnners.

And also, Brian Johnson has stopped injecting his son's blood plasma into his neck because apparently

the science isn't rigorous enough.

No way.

I washed it off.

Wow.

I could have told him that thick hook.

Curveball.

Joe, Nick Kershaw wrote the one and only.

Nick Kershaw's a hell of a songwriter.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What a talent.

He's had a good life as well, Nick Kershaw.

What does Nick Kershaw do now?

Just remember that we're the under-35s.

Oh, yeah,

let's talk about someone else.

Let's talk about someone much younger.

Dave, you like Sabrina Carpenter, don't you, Dave?

Let's talk about Olivia Rodrigo.

And who's that?

Olivia Rodrigo, pop star, is a big pop star.

So big, I haven't blooming seen the wood for the trees.

She's playing iPark in June or July.

So is Van Morrison and Neil Young.

My daughter's obsessed with Olivia Rodriguez.

I actually really like Olivia Rodrigo.

I think Charlie XCX is trying to be an actress now.

Is she?

And you aiming for the under 35s with this?

Yes, and missed out on the part of the white witch in the Chronicles of Narnia to

an actress who was in sex education.

Oh, someone get me a Frappuccino.

The youngest of all the drinks.

Yes, so there's a fact about that.

Yeah, there's another fact.

Where are you getting this stuff?

Are you in a feed like Stephen Fry on KY?

No, actually.

I'm just very young.

Yeah, I like to just chill out around the Tesco's

where they all vape.

Yeah.

Yeah, and when you go into a spa, they play that incredibly loud noise that only teenagers can hear.

I don't think they do that anymore.

No, but you haven't been in spa for years, just in case, because your hearing's so good, because you're so blimmin' young.

That's true.

That's true.

But yeah, I just sort of rock up and say, hey, guys,

what's Sabrino Carpenter up to today?

Yeah, how are your sats?

How are your sats going?

Yeah, God, I remember my mocks.

Woo.

Yeah, when were they?

A week ago or was it 18?

That was last year.

1260s this year.

They're not even graded by letters anymore, John.

They're graded by numbers.

Yeah, I know, Dave.

I was predicted nines.

Were you?

Yes.

Anyway.

Anyway.

Good news.

We take all listeners, no matter what they are, no matter what age they are.

Oh, we were at the young 100s.

We were strategically, we said.

Strategically, when it comes to contract renegotiations, yeah.

I mean, in terms of connecting with people, obviously it's the over 50s.

We need them for the Cymru connection.

In my case,

if it's connection,

Welsh and very elderly.

Yeah.

I mean, in the broad church of Ellis and John, of which I'm the vicar and God,

Ellis is the simple vestor, or whatever they're called, vestry, Verger.

Yep.

And Dave, what are you in the church?

You'd do the audio stuff.

He's an elder.

I always do the audio stuff.

Because we've recently invested in a wireless mic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, no.

And it feeds back.

Yeah, for when the Baptists come in to do their songs.

He's the deacon who's in charge of audio.

Yes.

Still playing on CDs.

Of course.

And why not?

And why not?

So, speaking of the Cymru connection, can two people from Wales connect in 60 seconds after one discloses what school they went to?

It's the question on everybody's lips in Wales who listens to this show.

Let's find out in the Cymru Connection.

Do Do you know the Philippines?

No.

Come on, mate.

You must do no, we've never met

at all.

I can reconnected in two seconds at the Taskmaster Charity Football match.

Did you?

Yeah, there was someone on the pitch at half-time.

I think she was called Janine from Trasfaniv.

Michael Vatt.

And she said, you're better in the wild.

How did it go?

She came to me and she was speaking Welsh.

She said, no, where you from?

She said, Trasfaniv.

I said, do you know Drabi Prasor?

And she said, Yes.

And then she shook my hand and said, You're better in the wild.

Was she one of the players?

No, she came on at half-time.

She's about the half-time entertainment.

Oh, because they did the chess ham.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fancy dress competition.

Also, I sometimes, when I'm in my kitchen preparing dinner, I do just say in my head, Do you know David Evans?

No.

Come on, mate, you must do.

And then I have a little giggle.

It's one of the best pieces of music ever.

So good.

This podcast has ever featured.

After a hat-trick of failures, it was key that Ellis stopped the rot.

And boy, did he do that.

It took our hero just 10 seconds to connect with Amelia via the same headmistress at school.

A much-needed triumph, not only for our blessed child of Wales, but also for the Where Did You Go to School opening gambit.

No further questions, Your Honour.

Ellis's connection rate has risen slightly to 48%.

He's found a connection to 19 out of the 40 callers.

Can he continue this rise?

We have a caller on the line from Wales.

Hello.

Hello.

60 seconds are added to the clock.

The next voice you hear will be that of Ellis James.

Your time starts now.

Anasaudra.

Where's that?

Near Tondy near Brigand.

Tondy near Brigand.

Okay, how old are you?

64.

JPR Williams.

No.

Okay, Rob Howley.

No.

Okay, Okay, that's fine.

What do you do for a living?

I'm an academic.

Oh, where?

I currently work at Nottingham Trent University.

Okay.

What's your topic, subject?

I'm an economic geographer.

Okay.

Okay, where did you go to university?

Swansea.

Um,

okay.

Uh do you know Marty Johns?

No.

Okay, that's fine.

Um,

are you married?

Yes.

Where's your wife from?

Essex.

Okay, that's fine.

When did you leave Wales?

1987.

Okay.

Do you know Steve Fenwick, the rugby player?

No.

And that's time.

And that's time.

Sorry.

No, no, it's not your fault.

It's not your fault.

What's your name, out of curiosity?

Andrew Lysian.

Andrew Lyshan, you have value.

Andrew.

Do you know Paul Lyshan and go sports?

Okay, but again, this is what happens every time.

Are we on the Sun Lounger?

What's happening?

We just always assume at this stage we do take a trip across to the land.

I think the Sand Lounger would be the most appropriate place for the discussion.

There are some indirect links.

Okay.

Well, I'd just like to say, interestingly, in terms of tactics, you know, Ellis is dealing with someone, you know, not quite the same age as his parents, but not far off, and yet not plowing that furrow.

Interesting.

The earth is untilled.

Tondi's a black spot.

Well, it's the first time you've never not known a school.

Tondi's where JPR ended his career playing for Tondi.

Can I point out a misstep for you, Ellis, in that you didn't ask where I was from?

Where are you from?

Pontycumma.

Okay.

Garrow Valley.

Garrow Valley.

Oh, Dean Burnett.

No, that was the route I was hoping you could.

I don't know Dean.

I'm sure we've been in the same space because his parents ran the royal pubs in point

i'm 20 years older than him so i'm sure he was in there when he was an academic in the 80s but um i wouldn't have known him i have had email correspondence with him i knew his dad oh yes okay

the other the other potential link are we on the son learner we are on the sunland

um that's a good question

the uh the other link is uh through robin morgan who i'm sure you know yes the comedian yeah i know his dad, Kaylee Morgan, who's a professor at Cardiff University.

Is he really?

Because Robin looks like a professor, even though he's a comedian because of his glasses.

So you know Robin Morgan's dad?

I mean,

I know Robin.

Yeah, but that's not the case.

It's not going to pass the Novelli protocol.

Okay.

Dean Burnett is a furrow worth plowing.

And I've always said that.

So you knew his parents

because you went into the Pub?

Well,

I went to school with his dad.

Oh, right.

And I played in the same football team as him for a bit.

Okay, I never met Dean's father.

Oh, okay.

I thought that might be a potential lead.

So, I mean, obviously, I know Dean very well, but I never met his father.

What football team was it?

It was...

Well, it was either school team or Garrow Valley Boys' Club.

I can't remember now.

It was a long time ago.

What social clubs did you drink in in the Garrow Valley?

Well, it was pubs.

We went in the Faldi,

the Royal,

and the Squirrel, which is still the only one still going.

Oh.

Did you ever drink in my steak?

No.

Okay.

I once got stoned in my steak.

Not in the drug sense, in the sense that people just threw rocks at me at a cash point.

Okay, okay.

Going to a cash point unattended, big mistake.

That's good stuff.

Thanks, Dave.

That's good stuff.

So you left Wales in the 80s.

Yeah.

Part of the big brain drain.

Yeah.

Do you...

I've never been accused of being part of that.

What about people who...

There might be UK-based...

Sorry, there might be England-based connections.

I know people who study...

Do you know Matt Ford?

He has links to Manta, Nottingham.

No, I don't.

Johnny Owen?

No.

The Fermika?

Okay, okay.

I'm afraid I think we might have

the end of the road.

The beach waiter is coming round and picking up all the empty bottles of Corona.

But we've had a good time.

You've had a good...

Well, have you?

You don't look like you've had a good time.

Yes, because I love...

You look like you're trying to put your own eyes out.

No, no, I enjoy.

having it proved to me that I am fallible.

Yes.

Because we do that quite a bit, don't we?

Yeah, because it keeps me humble.

It does keep you humble.

Imagine what I'd be like if I wasn't humble.

I'd be unbearable.

You have to include humility.

Well, thank you so much.

In a podcast, thank you so much.

Thank you, Andrew.

Thank you, Andrew.

Thank you.

And we wish you all the best.

Well, let's just take his, let's take stock.

Let's prepare for the made-up game.

Yeah.

Let's vape.

Of course.

Of course.

Let's have a little bite of dairy-free cake.

Yeah.

And check some texts.

Good stuff.

Great.

I have to get to know some economists.

I've always said that about you.

I have to get to know somebody.

This guy doesn't know enough economists.

No.

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Well, we have gathered ourselves, haven't we?

Yes, we've assessed.

We've assessed.

Ellis has put on a top.

He wasn't nude for the Cymru connection.

He doesn't do it barechested anymore.

But he's put on a lovely top.

With top three buttons done up, bottom two not.

Is that the fashion?

It reflects his mood.

Does it?

Yeah, the more buttons he has done up, the lower he is in his own self-esteem.

Why are the bottom two

done undone?

Is that because I never know.

Isn't it always sometimes never?

What does that mean?

So top bottom

always, middle, sometimes, bottom, never.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Never do bottom.

So why have it there?

It looks nice, I suppose.

Yeah, good point.

But isn't it because a king, a past king, didn't wear the bottom done up and then everyone started doing it?

I just find it quite restrictive.

Especially on an overshirt.

I'm wearing the overshirt now because I got Rocky Road Road on my t-shirt.

Okay.

So I have to pop this.

Okay.

Because there's someone sent in Rocky Road.

Yes.

And so it's on my t-shirt now.

I'm going on a stag.

But I don't know whether this is a thing, but I got told once that if you're wearing a suit,

it's a sign that the suit is of good quality if you leave the bottom button of the cuff undone.

Oh, yeah.

The suit jacket.

Because it's basically saying.

My suit has buttons that work on my cuffs.

So you leave the bottom one because most of them are just kind of ornamental on a suit jacket.

Do you know what?

So you leave it open.

I've made reference to this before.

I'm going to make reference to it again.

The standard of sewing of buttons on bedding and clothes is appalling.

And that is why we appeal to the under 35.

It is shocking.

Because we're talking about a time that's gone.

Yeah.

But youngsters are so impressed by when sewing was good.

Basically, most.

They just want to hear about it.

Most clothes manufacturers and bedding manufacturers are going, yeah, we'll put the buttons buttons on so they're there in the shop.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But essentially.

Ping off.

First

duvet change.

Well, that's action with candy floss.

Yeah.

First duvet change.

Ping, ping, ping, ping, ping.

Off they go.

I would like to see change.

Yeah.

Legislation.

Legislation.

It's anyway.

Well, I could just learn how to sell on a button, but I shouldn't have to.

Are you okay, John?

No, actually, I'm not.

No.

And if I'm not okay, Britain's not okay.

Should we send a little congratulations to a certain winner?

Oh, yes.

Well, we went to the Arias, of course, for the last time.

And

no, we love the Audio Radio Industry Academy.

Yeah.

I love the way that

Dave changes his voice when he's at the Arias.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do, because we were in the queue for the bar.

Or I was in the queue.

All I could hear was Dave going up to people saying, hi, Dave Musterman.

We were on a call this week.

Hi, Dave Musterman.

We were on a call this week.

Hi, Hi, Dave Masterman.

Thanks for jumping on that call this week.

Yeah, he's just as audio.

Hi, Dave Masterman, audio always.

We were on a call this week.

No, I did say that.

You did say it, Angela Scanlon.

Hi, we were on a good...

Good to finally meet.

We're on a call this week.

Well, it just stuck because I was...

Dave Masterman, audio always.

I was on a call with Angela Scanlon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it was such a fleeting call.

He does combine a handshake with giving his card to people as well.

Yeah.

No, I was giving her a helping hand because it would have been awkward if if halfway through that conversation, someone says, well, actually, you're on a call with Dave four days ago.

We've met virtually.

Yeah.

But it's really nice to meet in the wine.

My name's Dave Marshall.

So that one's backfired on me with Sandy Toxvig.

Right.

Because I met her in an event about like four years before I'd done the like

Day's internship on the news quiz or the now show.

Writing jokes.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And she said, oh, hi, nice to meet you.

And I said, oh, yeah, I was on the,

and it's like, obviously, she's not going to remember that.

Yeah.

So it was almost like I'd made her feel bad

for not having remembered.

Whereas I was sort of trying to give her a little.

Yes.

That's what I was doing.

You should have said, we've never met, but I'm enjoying this.

Yeah, exactly.

And this is why it's better not to talk to anyone at any of these events.

Do exactly what I do.

As soon as you walk in the front door, eyes on the floor.

Yes.

Eyes on the floor.

Get to your seat.

Hi, John Robbins.

We were on a call this week.

Never going to happen.

Never, ever going to happen.

Did you not work the room, John?

I avoided all eyes.

So you left the room?

He worked himself and then

left the room.

I wore earplugs because people were talking too loud and then left the room.

Yeah.

And it's great for the optics.

Oh, it's so great for the optics.

At one point, Izzy works on the show.

I was talking to him, and John took out his earplugs as if to say, I will listen to you, actually.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's quite a move, yeah.

Although, Izzy went to take, because it was at a cinema in Leicester Square,

so all of the

punters and attendees were given a big bag of popcorn.

Izzy went to take some of John's popcorn.

He thought she was trying to shake his hand.

So I shook Izzy by the hand.

Very formal because Driggy sees her every week.

And Izzy was going for the popcorn.

Yeah.

Izzy was going for the popcorn.

I thought she was just being polite.

But apparently, broken Britain is back.

Young people are no longer going around shaking hands in the cinema.

They're blooming manners.

They're shaking hands.

They're eating with their hands

in public.

Anyway, it was a lovely event.

Very glitzy.

I really enjoyed myself actually.

Although,

it is glitzy.

Oh.

There was a time when at an awards ceremony, you really, you knew, in particular the men, obviously, you knew what the men were going to wear.

Now it is a movable feast.

It's a broad spectrum.

it is a broad spectrum the the bow tie and bra and blow uh bow tie and trainers brigade were there well just wear whatever you like exactly but some people are going whole hog suit cummerbund yeah and some other people are looking like they're going to a garden centre also

Odd vibe on the red carpet whereby there were no photographers.

So the red carpet was there for you to take photos of yourself on the red carpet.

Which one felt a bit to take my awards.

It felt big.

And then you walk in and there's

like proper press photography area where Gokuan

was hosting, was taking, was having pictures taken.

So you walk in and there's a very awkward bit where you're sort of you're slowing down your walk in case they ask you for a photo.

And there are people with clipboards from a PR company obviously looking to see who the sort of coolest dudes are.

That's a stressful job.

Stressful job.

But also...

Just madder.

No, no, no, no, no, no, John.

They were asking for your photo, but you had your earplugs.

Too noisy.

Too many people talking at the same time.

If you're not into noise and noise coming from a lot of different directions.

And I'm not into that.

You're not into that.

That's absolutely fine.

That's fine.

It was a tricky room.

But that was no fault of the organisers.

It's the nature of those events.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Unless they invited seven people.

There's nothing you can do.

Or we're just playing hubbub on Spotify through the PA system.

We were nominated for Dave Best Speech Entertainment.

Entertainment.

The Thinking Man's Comedy.

Unfortunately, it was not best speech entertainment for the under-35s.

No.

It was

at a canter.

He had a canter.

We didn't win, which is absolutely fine.

Didn't come second or third, which is absolutely fine.

We've won it all before.

We've won.

And the person we gave a chance to.

No, that sounds very ungracious.

But the person who won...

Well, the person who came second was a very British scandal with Matt Ford.

British scandal.

It's called British Scandal, not a very very British scandal.

No.

Blood and Matt.

And he was there.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah.

Yes, he was.

Did you post that with Alice Levine?

Yes.

And Bronze to sexted, our friends at Talpai Sexted, my boss.

I'm not pushing people towards their most recent clip, but it made me feel physically sick, Dave.

And also, they were nominated for comedy, and that's not comedy, Dave.

That's not comedy.

It's not speech and it's not entertainment.

No, no, it's hateful.

It is a beast's act.

It's a beast's act.

There is is a clip that's gone viral.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And if you're going to be chilled to the bone, by all means, watch it.

Yeah.

Go on.

But the winner,

who we were absolutely delighted to miss out to, was wonderful, wonderful love and dear Josie Long.

Yes, for a while.

And her show Shortcuts.

Stayed at our house last week.

I mean, me and Izzy,

John and I don't live together.

No.

Yet.

Yet.

It will happen when Izzy sees sense.

Checks me out.

So congratulations to Josie.

And we wish you all the best in your future endeavours.

Yes.

Her producer gave the speech because Jossie couldn't be there and said very nice things about Josie and Jossie is a friend of ours and it made it gave me a real glow.

Yes,

it was nice to see.

So there we go.

Dave, let's play a blimmin' made-up game.

Oh, if we must.

There is a new jingle in town.

Oh, do we guess what style it's in, or do you tell us?

Let me read it and see what we think.

Oh, no, I think we try and guess, which is always fun.

Hello, my mischievous little elves.

After attempting the final not, how much do I want to read here to give it away?

Yeah, I'm going to skip.

Nope, skip that bit as well.

These are all just swear words, aren't they?

No, well, it's all to do.

Let's just play it and then I'll read this afterwards.

Lovely.

That's nice.

So, here is today's jingle for made up games from Matt, I should say.

Thanks, Matt.

And now it's time for me

to cage

John Robbins and Ellis J.

Oh my God,

so good

Reap

let's begin

And Ellis tells us why you

want me.

And then

oh, okay, that's turned it for me at the end there.

Is it Shigaros?

Sigaros?

Sigaros.

I'm going Bonniva.

But potentially Brianino.

I don't really know.

Yeah, Brianino is a very good shout to the side.

Ellis is right.

Sigaros.

Is he really?

Yeah.

And I think that is pretty spot on, actually.

That was fantastic.

I could listen to that while I do crosswords, Dave.

I saw Sigaros live in Bristol.

I saw them live in Bristol about 20 years ago with the Trinity Centre.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Godspeed you Black Emperor.

Oh, no, I saw them.

I remember him shouting into the, singing into the pickups of his guitar.

I remember that.

So, early 2000s was it.

Yeah, who was supporting them?

I can't remember.

Was it Fly Pan Am?

I can't remember.

It wouldn't have been Godspeed, but we might have been at the same gig before we got to the game.

I think we probably were at the same gig before we met.

Dave, we're lovers.

Yeah.

Right, what's the made-up game?

Well, let me read it from Matt.

After attempting

another kissing one, after attempting the after attending the final night of the Nordic leg of their current world tour, I was inspired to attempt a Sigaros style made-up game jingle.

The gig was in Reykjavik last December, and I was- You must have been fantastic

at seeing them in the

I would have got this to you sooner, but I've only recently descended from the Emotive Ethereal Planes upon which the band's homecoming performance elevated me too with an accompanying 41-piece orchestra.

Whoa, I think my head would explode.

It's almost too good that

head would come off.

Head would come right off.

I do have some concerns as to what the impact on any competitive in-game excitement might be if an instrumental looped version of this post-punk industrial ambient piece is being played as a bed beneath the action while we're doing it.

Who's that from?

Matt.

Matt's a talented person.

He is.

He should be in Sigoros.

He's a talented person.

I'm trying to find the gig.

Okay.

I think I was a student.

I think it would have been.

2000?

Yeah, it would have been around then.

They played twice in 2000.

I think it was Godspeed.

6th of April 2000.

I think I'd remember it if I'd seen it.

It was Godspeed, Fly

Pan Amons, and Sigoros.

That's a good lineup.

Yep.

Scores on the doors.

In the first game of the second set, it's 15 l uh 15 ore, sorry.

Okay.

Okay.

Every week we play a game which you at home have made up, of course.

And every week is a different blooming game, isn't it?

Yeah, it is.

This week's is from Dips.

Hi, team.

When the kids were little, we'd play a game in the car to maintain some kind of order and avoid the inevitable moans, groans, and occasional violence.

The game doesn't involve word-based creativity or guessing supermarket product prices and automatically therefore provides Ellis with a level playing field.

It's called Distractor Clock.

It might be your simplest game yet.

Producer Dave will give you a length of time in seconds.

After Dave hits start, the two of you just have to shout with your names as your buzzers when you think that duration of time has passed.

Okay.

So you're basically keeping track in your head, alright?

Oh, right.

Okay.

That's all you have to do.

The time will keep ticking until both players have called.

Okay.

So just shouting at our names.

Yeah, whenever you think the time is up.

So maybe try your hardest not to be influenced by someone who might just jump the gun and go early.

I'm going to close my eyes.

Fine.

Okay.

The player who's closest to the correct time wins the round.

There is a twist, of course.

Because that's not great audio.

We're both playing at the same time.

Yes, you're both in play for the same time specification for each round.

You will be distracted to make

audio fun.

You're going to

be in each round.

You'll have Adrian Chiles filling the silence, distracting you in your ears by reading aloud some of his greatest ever columns.

Oh, yes!

Finally!

Yeah, and play along at home, of course.

Respectful hugs from Dips.

Richard is his actual grown-up name.

Okay.

Am I allowed to use a watch?

No, you're not allowed to use a watch.

So what I'm going to do here is get my stopwatch function out.

So he's going to play...

You're going to play Adrian Child's reading as columns.

Give us a length of time, and we have to guess when that length of time is up.

Yes.

Okay.

So, your names are your stops for the time.

So, as you say your name, that's an I'll stop the clock for you.

Okay.

And each round will be a different length in seconds.

It's simple, really.

There is a

way

you can play this game.

You can play the stats on this game, but I'm not going to give away the tactic.

Mississippi.

I'm not.

But

you can game the casino, if if you know what I'm saying.

It's Mississippi.

It's not Mississippi.

I'll not say it because it might spoil the game.

Okay, so your names are your buzzers.

The length of time for the first round is 23 seconds.

And your time.

And I've got to say Ellis rather than stop.

Yes.

Okay.

What's up, Zoff?

There's a massive clock there, isn't it?

Very, very good point.

Zoff is on the board.

Very, very good point.

Well done.

Test that as a test.

We're going going to get rid of the big stopwatch that keeps track of the time of the podcast.

God, we'd have been accurate.

And you know what?

I thought of that in the week as well as I was ironing.

I thought, remember the big stopwatch in the studio when we play the game?

Let me just quickly test to see how I do that.

I wonder if she did it.

I'm closing my eyes.

Okay.

So I lap and then I stop.

How loud are you going to play, Adrian?

It's a Mogwai level.

No, no, it's just normal levels of Adrian.

Okay, ready?

23 seconds.

Your time starts now.

I have a urinal in my flat.

Or is it urinal?

I never know.

And he has pride of place beneath the West Brom crest.

Those Hollywood blokes, Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhenney, are never far from social media virality.

Last week they were at it again for reasons that remain unclear.

Ellis.

They bought Wrexham AFC when the team was

distracting.

Yeah, it is distracting.

Ellis went at 25.77.

John went at 26.37.

Too long.

So you went over a little bit.

So Ellis wins the point.

Okay, so 1-0 to Ellis.

Round two.

52 seconds.

Your time starts now.

Sand between your toes?

I hate it.

I adore the sea, but what's to love about a grainy, abrasive substance that gets everywhere?

I hate sand.

I love the seaside, but I bloody hate sand.

It gets everywhere in sandwiches, in my toenails, in my hair, in every last crevice, yes, crevice of my body, including my mind.

Who are these people who love to feel the sand between their toes?

When I walk on a beach, I'm hermetically sealed from the knees down, but somehow it finds its way in.

Dido sang about having sand in her shoes evoking the memory of a holiday romance.

My version would be I'm finding flipping sand everywhere.

I never want to see you again.

How I loathe its hateful rasp on hard floors beneath my feet.

Interesting.

Both decent efforts.

Ellis, 49 seconds, 62.

Okay.

John, 53, 25.

John wins the points.

And what were we trying to do?

We're trying to get 52.

So you were 1.25 seconds over.

About halfway through, I thought you said 52 or 53.

Yeah,

I was talking about sand.

Gotta remember.

Great.

Round three.

Yeah.

He good?

Yeah.

Great.

Okay, round three: 18 seconds.

Time starts now.

I hate sand.

And here's a bit of extra content for you.

I really do hate sand.

Honestly, if I was walking on the dunes somewhere, let's say in South Wales,

and a scantily clad scarlet Johan

popped a head up over the grasses and gave me a come hither look,

I'd just walk the other way.

I'm not rolling about in any sand with anybody.

Anybody.

I hate sand.

Get him a podcast.

Britain.

Get this guy a podcast.

Adrian say hate sand seven times.

You were trying to get 18 seconds.

John, 18.43.

Ellis, 19.56.

Okay.

So John's 2-1-up.

2-1-up.

As we go.

2-4 seconds, Dave, for flat arms.

Yeah, yeah.

Fair play.

Fair play.

I've calibrated now after my early failure.

Okay, well, here we go.

I'm finding it harder and harder to ignore Adrian.

It's because he's in the middle of the day.

The first time I did quite a good job of blunking my mind, and now I've tuned into Adrian.

Yes.

Well, hopefully.

It's impossible to tune out of Adrian.

It's really weird.

Hopefully, after this, the Pulitzer will find it harder and harder to ignore Adrian.

He should be...

UNESCO should be making him a heritage man.

Round four.

Yeah.

40 seconds.

Your time starts now.

I loathe pigeons.

You wouldn't believe what they do to my damn pipe.

Do you know what?

Whoever writes these headlines,

I've got a handy term.

That one's good.

In fact, I write these flipping columns, and all anybody can remember is the headlines, and I didn't even write them.

Pigeons, appalling things.

I looked them up on the bird charity RSPB's website and snorted.

Snorted, I did, when I came across the where to see section.

Where to see?

Everywhere is the answer to that.

Perhaps not so much outside towns and cities, but in towns and titties, you're never far from a bloody pigeon.

John, if unaccountably you're not familiar with the species, do feel free to get in touch.

Come around to my place, and you can just watch them and listen to them all day.

Okay, thank you, Adrian.

All night.

Thank you, Adrian.

40 seconds is what you're aiming for.

Ellis, 41.8.

John, 42.92, and it goes to the final round.

Sure, this is exciting.

This time it's six and a half hours.

Well, it's the longest of them all.

Is it?

Yeah, this is the real test, lads.

We're going over a minute at this stage.

We're going over a minute.

70 seconds.

Okay, okay.

And it's for the win.

It's for the win.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

Great.

Is that just to check?

The clip's definitely a lot longer than 70, isn't it, for this final one?

I think it's about six minutes.

Oh, right, okay.

Great, okay.

Okay.

Adrian's gone above and beyond.

He's an absolute star.

Okay.

Time, 70 seconds.

Time starts now.

I've lost all faith in zips.

What is it with zips?

Ask someone who knows about these things, how to fix the zip on your coat, and they'll pull a licked lemon of a face.

Gravely, a head will be shaken.

Very difficult, if not impossible.

But why, you demand?

It just is, you're told.

Early in the last decade, when I had more money than cents, I bought an absurdly expensive coat by mistake.

I was at Heathrow's Terminal 5, flying somewhere to cover a Champions League football match for ITV.

Making my way to the gate, which was showing last call, I realised I hadn't brought a coat.

I think it was Basel we were off to in late autumn.

I'd need a coat.

I thumped my forehead with the heel of my hand, ran into the Harrods concession, tried on a coat, paid for it, and fled.

It was made by Dunhill out of some technical fabric and had a detachable inner bit to keep it relevant all year round.

Just the job.

It was only when I took my seat on the plane that I saw the receipt, more than £600.

£600?

Oh, God.

Even though I was sitting down, I thought I might keel over.

Lee Dixon was sitting next to me, and I showed him the receipt.

It's a tactic.

You're an idiot.

It's a strap.

And we both use the tactic.

Got the coat home.

Thank you, Adrian.

600 quid for a coat.

John, 70 seconds.

69.84 seconds.

That's insane.

He's 0.16 of a second out.

So Ellis, you were 71.19.

So not as close as John, but still close.

Whether that's because that was an accurate guess or because you just follow John who was good.

So John.

Wow.

3-2.

The human clock.

The time sponsored by Robin.

The way you game that system is you just say it straight after the other person, and then you win all of the rounds that you're too fast on.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

So you guarantee it's like the gambler's fallacy of like always, you know, bet red until it's black and then.

But your opponent just might have

a cognitive habit of always over speccing.

They might do.

They might do.

I think people tend to be slower than faster.

Racing.

Yes.

Annoyingly.

Yeah, annoyingly at 70 beats a minute.

Great game.

Thanks, Adrian.

Great game.

Thank you.

I mean,

we should thank Adrian, but it obviously wasn't his game.

Whose game was it, Dave?

No, of course not.

The game is from Dips.

We added the child's flourish just to bring some audio dynamism to it.

But absolutely Dips' game.

And a fun one at that.

Saturday's made-up game.

Well done, Dips.

Lovely.

Has it been a week of wins or has it been a week of losses?

Only one way to find out.

How does that make you feel?

So good.

Yeah.

So many.

I'm just saying in in my head, so many wins.

Yeah.

Silly.

So many wins.

Well, you be the judge, Dave.

You ready to keep score?

Yeah, I just got my pen.

Hold on.

Okay.

Got your pen?

Go.

Okay.

Park run PB.

Whoa.

On a very, very steep course.

Alright.

Yeah, 2640.

Good man.

I thought you got 20, 20.

That was a 28-second PB on that course.

On that course yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he's mixing up his buttons div yeah um the last minute goal we discussed

in detail that's a win that's a win um

but well we'll come to the losses in a bit uh the pregnancy pillow i ordered was reduced by 12 pounds on the website and then the plug-in i've got on my browser found a code that reduced it by a further 10.

wow um

you buy pregnancy pillows huh yeah the blinkered view of ellis james there

In order to lean on it when I'm doing my crosswords because I spend so long in bed in the evening.

So it's a breastfeeding pillow.

Oh yeah, yeah, I remember that.

But you can use it to feed with the breast of knowledge

using the gland of crosswords.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a breastfeeding crossword pillow.

So I've been using four pillows sort of stacked up, but they inevitably slump down.

There's a tiny gap between the bed and the wall, which they fall in.

And it's just a sorry sight when you get up in the morning

and see this sort of sludge of pillows.

My crossword evidence.

My crossword evidence.

A pregnancy pillow is not a sorry sight.

No, no, no.

But I'm saying all of my crushed pillows just look a bit bleak when they're all on one side of the bed and the other side hasn't been slept on.

Or

nine knees.

So, yeah, so a £22 saving.

Wow.

Also, it was just a pound above qualifying for free postage.

This company's going bust.

Is that another win or is that?

No, I think we class that all as one win.

I think we're on three.

I've lost track.

So, free postage, then, as well on your pregnancy pillar, that's big.

That's big.

According to the because they're quite big, so that would have cost you.

Yeah.

The bum doctor says everything looks good, so the problems I'm having are all purely psychological.

No, big win.

Very interesting.

This is like what we discussed at the Friday show about

need to achieve versus need to avoid failure.

I'm not sure what I think of this.

Yes.

I think it's easy.

I think it's easier to mend your bum than your psyche.

I think he's right.

So I think it's one

apiece there.

I'll put one in the win column and I'll put the first one in the L column.

Did a gig in a brewery and didn't lose my mind.

Oh, well done.

That's a bat bit.

That's a win.

That's a big win.

Literally in the bit where they brew all the beer.

Ice.

Surrounded by, I would say, 20,000 gallons of ale.

Do you saw that advertised?

Yeah.

And I thought of you.

Thanks, man.

I really did.

I went on a brewery tour on a stagda once, and my god, it was boring.

It is boring.

It's so dull.

And it sounds like such a good idea for us to be able to do it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But after an hour of having big profiles discussed.

Big tanks.

Yeah, big tanks.

It's very dull.

Went for a superb curry in Farrington.

Nice.

Oh, around here.

Yeah, one of the best curry houses I've ever been to.

Oh, that's a big win.

Can we go to that soon, please?

Yes, we can.

The energy price cap is rising, but I have already fixed.

Get it.

I love as well.

So I get the email from Martin Lewis, and I'm like, mate, I'm one step ahead of the game.

You don't need to email me, but do keep it.

Very few people are ahead of the game when it comes to Martin Lewis.

I approved my will, and Ellis, you're getting the sportage.

Is he really?

Now, that's the look of a man who's not sure what to think about that.

It's the look of a man who would like his friend to die because I need a new car.

And the sportage would be absolutely perfect.

It would be.

I mean, my car is covered in paints and dinks and scratches.

It was embarrassing leaving Chesham.

What's the kind of accepted amount of time?

Let's say John sadly

departs us.

How quickly are you asking for that sportage?

Oh, no, I asked, I get it on the day of the funeral.

But it would be acceptable for him to die with it anytime within the next day.

Well,

ideally, I'm driven to the funeral in the sportar.

Yeah, I'm unloaded.

No.

They chuck the keys to Ellis.

It's got a good boot space.

It creates a bad vibe.

Maybe like that scene in London's Burning where the cheeky choppy truss have sex with his girlfriend in a hurse.

And that's why we are the most popular show with the Under 35s, because London's Burning.

It's the new white lotus.

Oh, Zach guys.

For those of you who don't know, London's burning was the casualty of the fire service of the 90s.

Early 90s, yeah, in London.

UPS obeyed the instructions left on the door.

Oh, good.

It's so nice.

Oh, bloody L.

I was super polite.

Yeah.

I knew I wasn't going to be in because their tracking service had given me a time window and then gone over the time window.

Which I dealt with in my own mind.

Yeah.

And I just left a note giving instructions in a polite polite fashion, and they obeyed those instructions.

So it was win-win for me and UPS.

I ordered a CD, an external CD writer the other day for the...

Because the Under 35s are into that sort of thing.

Yeah.

Well,

it's heritage tech.

It is.

Because I need to burn CDs for my club nights constantly because I'm still playing off CD.

I will apologise.

There's none in your laptop.

There's none in my laptop.

And I will not apologise for playing off CD.

It makes it fun.

Yeah, and also, you know, would you rather lug 100 C D's to a nightclub or 100 vinyl, Dave?

Oh, yeah, no, but I mean, I'm talking, I'm doing CD over USB because I still think it's more fun.

Anyway, they put it in the blummin' blue bin.

I didn't realise, and they put it in the blue bin the day of, before, the following morning when it was going out, Hannah took it out because I was in London for the Arias, and it's CD, right?

What's your blue bin?

Paper.

Did they leave it a photo of it?

They did, but because I was so wrapped up in talking to Chesney Hawks.

Oh, they've covered their asses.

They've covered their asses.

Did you tell them, did you give instruction to leave it in the blue bin?

No.

Oh, right.

Maybe you do have a case.

Just say it never arrived.

I think leaving in the bin is crazy.

Yeah, I think so.

Especially on a Wednesday when they know it's Thursday collections.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

It's looking pretty good at the moment.

Eighth.

It's 9-1 at the minute.

Okay.

Best Wordle streak, best 14-day Wordle streak of my life, averaging 3.1 solutions.

And I've discovered two new musicians who I think might be with Daryl Jones: the best discoveries of the year.

That's great.

Phil Cook.

I think I'll say Phil Collins then.

He's equidistant between Phil Collins and Phil Cool.

Okay.

Oh, man.

He's got an album called Appalachia Borealis, which is just piano music.

But then his other albums, you go deeper, and it's like he's like a cross between Keith Jarrett, Little Feet, Grateful Dead, and William Tyler.

Wow.

Where did you discover this?

Lovely Robin.

No.

This was Alex.

My friend Alex sent me a couple of his tracks from Appalachia Borealis.

And I was like, oh, this is immediate direct inject into my brain.

And the second one is Cameron Winter, who ACAS to text me about six months ago.

I listened to the album.

I didn't quite like it.

It was a little bit out there.

I'd asked Robin if he liked it.

He said he didn't like it.

It's a little bit out there.

Then Robin texted me the other day and said he thinks it's the best album ever made.

Right.

Well, I listened to it and I think it's a masterpiece.

Oh, that's two big endorsements, guys.

It's huge.

A Castro has good taste.

Well, he has an eclectic taste.

He does.

And good taste.

It's like

if

Bonnie Ver made Trout Mask Replica.

I know Bonnie Ver.

Captain Bishop made Trout Mask Mask Replica gave me a headache and made me feel sick.

A friend of mine described one of the songs in the following way.

You know how if you cut keys from the copy of a key, eventually you'll get a key that doesn't quite match?

Sort of like key cutting Chinese whispers.

Yes.

It's like they've done that with Into My Arms by Nick Cave.

Okay.

Don't mind that.

Key Cutting Chinese Whispers from Nick Cave is a good endorsement if

worthy of explanation.

Okay, so those are the wins where we are.

Well, John, first of all, so many blooming wins.

I have to swap Sharpies.

Oh, my God.

A Sharpie ran out halfway through.

oh my lord so I think we've got 11 wins there but I might I might have missed a couple of you've never had a sharpie running out

that's sexy well we haven't got to the losses yet

um you've already got one loss 90% sure I'm becoming lactose intolerant with age

pulled all my adductors sprinting to the ball in the football match yeah which has and here's your second third loss meant I'm off my training program for this week by quite some kilometers that is

pathetic to see.

It was so embarrassing.

I could barely get into my car.

I left

now your car.

Because John's ill.

I left my coffee on my kitchen worktop this morning in my takeaway cup that I'd made it to take on the train.

Okay.

It's okay, but it's not me.

Yeah, which I think is a bigger issue.

Yeah.

I don't know who it is, but I don't like them.

No, you know, it's trivial, but then you when you zoom out and look at it as part of a grand narrative,

it's actually massive.

Yes.

It would show up in a sort of test.

Yeah, yeah.

A sort of screening test.

Interest reduction in my savings, I saw.

But that's because UK PLC is doing a little bit better.

It also affects everyone.

Yeah, you can't do anything about that.

That's

not angry about it.

I'm lucky to have a savings account.

I'm glad I'm the sort of person who saves.

Yeah, it's not your, that's not you individually that's everyone who has that particular yes and it's across the board easy access savings are being reduced yeah it annoys me that they can reduce them so quickly yeah get like a week's notice yeah but it's you know you're gonna whip it out

you're gonna whip out the the money from the savings account can you do that or not well

i mean it would lose its tax-free status yeah the problem is if you transfer it to another ice sir yeah that's what i mean yeah but then they announce that their rate's going down

so you end up chasing your tail He's become a rate tart.

I'm a raped tart, Dave.

No, I don't want to be a raped tart.

I want to be a raped wife.

Yeah, yeah, be loyal

in sickness and in health, of inflation and interest.

Until death is DuPart and then this gets the sportage.

Yes.

Oh, God.

I keep imagining John's death and being glad about it.

That's really not.

Well, that's not a nice thing to give someone when you die.

Yeah.

I'm thrilled.

Sorry.

I mean, obviously.

What if John lives to 110?

I'd also be clean.

But then the car will probably feel...

It's whether you still want the car.

Well,

I can add a clause that it's whatever car I have at the time of my death.

That's huge.

That is huge.

That's kind of what I'm educating.

So when I have my breakdown, you might be left with a Sierra Cosway.

Which would make for decent resale value.

Yeah.

Not a great family run around in this day and age.

Not at all.

Expensive to run.

Yes.

11.5.

11.5.

Well, take that.

Take that.

Well, what a way to end.

Big, many wins.

Big wins there, Johnny Boy.

And fingers crossed, next week's another week full of wins.

Yeah, always.

Yeah.

For all of you.

Not just.

I don't want all the wins to myself.

No, I'd happily take a week of a draw on the wins and losses to spread some wins across the nation.

Like, I'd take a five-all.

Because 11-5, I mean, that's positive.

That's hefty.

Oh, I had a big loss this week.

Chesney Hawks.

No, yeah, that.

Oh, bloody Chesney Hawks.

No, not Chesney Hawks.

My cistern's been leaking for six months.

I didn't realise.

And my water bill has gone through.

Hang on, hang on.

You're leaking where?

The toilet.

They're just leaking down the back of the bowl without realising.

Oh, so it's sort of cycling.

Just cycling, baby.

So it's not ruining your house.

It is.

It's ruining my bankbacks.

I was ruining your bank business with that, though.

Do you know what?

I did.

Right.

I thought it was a small enough trickle that it'd be negligible, but actually, you put a bit of paper under it because it's on white porcelain.

So you think it's just this tiny trickle.

You put a bit of toilet paper under it and it just drenches it immediately.

It turns out it's actually quite a steady flow.

Yeah, and that's 24 hours a day.

That's 24 hours a day.

And you saw that.

Yeah.

And you clocked it.

And I thought, I want to walk out at some point.

I'll do it.

At some point, at some point.

I thought, because that's a small enough trickle that it's probably a couple of liquid a year.

If you saw a hole in your wallet and you're losing a fiver and then 10 steps later, another fiver, you think, I'll do something about that eventually yes

i've got it wrong i've never had a so they sent me a letter to warn us that there's a big bill coming no i've never seen that before but no wow but yeah because this could happen to anyone uh yeah it could people would have acted quicker yeah naturally you've got a lot on i've got a lot on i bet it's just an adjustment in the well we've fixed it yeah and there's something called a leakage allowance So everyone listen, everyone pay attention.

What?

I think it's going to be a very slightly different method for whatever water water supply you're with.

But for me, it's take a picture of your meter number, wait a fortnight.

Fix the problem.

Yeah.

So we just turned the blooming toilet off.

Turn the toilet off?

Yeah.

How do you turn a toilet off?

I don't know how she did it, but she stopped the water.

She stopped the water flow.

So you take a picture of your meter, you wait two weeks, you take another picture, and then you send that to them and say, here's an accurate reading without the system leaking.

So this is what we should do.

And apparently, and I'm in the process now, so we'll see what happens.

They'll take a note of that and then readjust your water bill because the water bill is probably going to go up because everyone's water bills are going up, but not from the number that

would be totally unmanageable.

Dave, that's one of the best consumer advice facts I have ever heard.

Yeah, it's good.

And I will never need it, but I'm so glad it's there.

You do, John.

You might do because you might have another reason why all of a sudden your water bill's gone up.

There might be a leak in a pipe you weren't aware of.

See, that's the thing.

Yeah.

Yeah, but you would drip through the ceiling.

It drips through the the ceiling.

But it's good to know that if that has happened,

someone might use your hose pipe

and forget to turn it off properly.

A robber who cares about heat waves

and wants to steal your bike,

which I don't own.

But also

the clean upkeep of your lawn.

Yeah.

So big day tomorrow.

Second me treading of the two.

That's unreal.

I bet no one knows that, Dave.

I don't know.

I think because I got the warning letter.

I think it's at the bottom.

To be fair, it wasn't in very big fonts.

They don't advertise it very strongly.

Did they tell you what the bill was going to be?

Yeah, I've seen that, but it's doubled.

How much is your water bill average a month?

It was about 70 and it went up to 140.

I mean, obviously, bills going up difficult for everyone.

Yeah.

Given the state our water system is in, the amount of sewage going into rivers and the sea, 70 quid to have all of your sewage removed from your house and have running water 24 seven, 365.

Feels like good value.

You'd miss it if it was gone.

You would miss it within an hour.

Yeah, you would.

You would.

Yeah.

Yes.

So I'll lay now.

I'll get on.

I'll keep you

report back.

And obviously, I will be going straight to Martin Lewis with this.

Oh, absolutely.

I wonder if Lewis knows about this.

Lewis must have had this covered in the past.

It feels big.

It feels big.

Feels huge, Dave.

Yeah.

Okay, well, what a note to leave it on.

Yes.

How to help.

Thanks for listening, everyone.

Send all your correspondence to Ellisandjohnbbc.co.uk, including your shame wells, please.

Yeah, and you can WhatsApp as well.

Because we're in danger of curing the UK of all shame, which is why we don't have many shame wells these days.

Yeah.

Yeah.

On you can send us WhatsApp on O7974-293022.

But we'll be back with you next week.

Thank you very much for listening.

Goodbye.

Bye-bye.

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Suffs, the new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be hurt!

Winner, best score!

We demand to be seen!

Winner, best book!

We demand to be quality!

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs, playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.