#437 - The Great Geordification, Cloud Storage Afterlife and Narrative! Narrative! Narrative!

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Hello there, thank you very much for downloading this episode of Ellis and John to wherever it is you're listening.

We've got a fun pack show for you today, the three of us all present and correct, because we've got a big thing to talk about.

John and I were involved in one of the great charity events on Saturday, weren't we, John?

Ah, yes.

Yeah, interesting.

We played in the Taskmaster Comedy Football Cup, which I think

is its official name, organized by Alex Holmes, shows happens at the meadow, home of Cheshire United Football Club.

And

hmm,

I love football and I had a good time.

But the person I'm sitting opposite is one of those people, one of those rare people who deals in narrative.

Yes, I.

David Fincher would look at my life and say, I'm sorry, it's just too many films.

This would have to be...

You get trilogy, quadrilogy.

What's 43 films?

He would say, this guy lives some of the great scripts of Hollywood.

Because John is able to bend things to his own will.

That's the thing.

Yeah, I'm able to go...

Right.

Grab reality, Brother Scriff the neck.

Well, I'm able to go, reality's not good enough.

I've got to add an extra 10%.

Yes.

It's a bit like the film Unlimited, where Bradley Cooper eats a pill and he can just see everything a lot clean, just do everything.

He's got an anti-drugs policy deal.

Is that without drug taking?

Okay.

Sheer talent.

Replace the drugs with talent.

Okay.

And that's John because John deals in narrative.

He bends reality to his will.

He picks up the truth and he shapes it.

I'm a truth bender, Dave.

Yeah.

So the game that Alex Horne organises, some of the money goes to Cheshire United, but some of the money goes to me.

Some of the money goes to me.

Some of the money goes to me.

I'm dividing the narrative.

Yeah.

As reality's greatest ever scriptwriter, some of the money goes to John, but also the money goes to Good Causes, Buckinghamshire Mind, a homelessness charity in Slough.

It's a really great day.

There's about 4,000 people there.

Now, to put that into some perspective, Dave, when I first started watching Swansea City, that was more than the Swans used to get in League Two.

A professional team.

What would be the average attendance at a League One game?

It would be...

Well, League One is slightly skewed by a couple of big clubs, but yeah, 4,000

is good.

So yeah, I would say when we were in League Two, we used to get about 3,500, 4,000 at least.

Very well or very badly.

So if you're watching Bristol Rovers versus Luton,

what would you be looking at there?

I don't know where they get the Memorial Ground.

Bristol City gets big crowds at Ashton Gate in the championship.

I've not been to Bristol Rovers for a very long time.

It was good fun, Bristol Rovers.

But 4,000 for a professional match in the lower leagues is positive.

So Mirtha have just been promoted, for instance.

And I think they had 3,500.

We've lost the extra.

It's my fault, Dave.

No, no, no.

I am trying to create.

Quick, John, bend the narrative.

Bend the the narrative.

Bend me against your own will.

You're creating context, but you're removing some elements of excitement.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But no one could say that they don't have the context now.

Talk me through.

There's 4,000 people there.

Talk me through every attendance of League Two teams, Ellis.

I'm curious.

He will.

I would like to do that.

I'm also very interested in a wave attendance.

Let's not.

Not now.

So,

Ellis, do more exciting scene settings.

So, John was in goal, and yeah, it's an important position.

You want a decent goalkeeper, don't you?

Yeah.

For God's sake.

And it's quite a silly game.

So, when Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus is played, there are two games.

There are two balls on the pitch.

Yes.

Both balls are in play.

So you could score two goals simultaneously.

Yes.

The captains were Mark Watson and Maisie Adam.

They had to wear armbands.

like you would put on a sort of four-year-old kid who's learning to swim throughout the game.

If you scored a goal, you've got to wear a cloak.

We weren't allowed in the D, which was a rule that was unworkable.

And then relaxed.

And then relaxed after 20 minutes when Alex Horne realised that it wasn't working.

The previous year, or two years ago, when I last did it, they brought out an enormous inflatable duck onto the pitch.

Yes.

At one point.

And also, goalkeepers had to come up for every corner, which I would also argue was unworkable.

Yes.

I didn't play the first year.

I played last year.

And rather than a conventional kickoff, we all had to line up on the the goal line and race to the ball in a big sprint.

But no one apart from the few pros who play are fit enough to do that.

That was relaxed.

It's a lot of fun.

It's a lot of fun.

Yeah.

It would be fun, but there's one person who likes to bend narrative to his own will, and that person is John Robbins.

So it's cheap.

Can I just add to the narrative?

Because, you know, when someone says, you know, Ronnie O'Sullivan's won seven world titles and you go, wow.

And then they go, and he can do it left-handed.

Yeah.

And then your mind explodes, and you melt onto the floor in a puddle of surprise.

Yeah.

I arrived at Cheshire United having set a PB in the park run.

You're joking.

Okay, yeah, carry on.

Yeah, yeah.

Carry on.

Wow.

So he's allowed to set controls.

Yeah, well, that was exciting.

It wasn't the attendance of Mertha, was it?

Gotta point out.

It was exciting if you were there.

It's a big crowd.

Right, talk us through.

Set the scene.

What happened?

What

happened?

Got a guest waiting to contribute.

Okay.

We raised home from the dentist for this.

Chicken City were losing.

Yeah.

Okay.

It was the final minute, and we had a corner.

Wow.

Okay.

Now, I'm thinking to myself, God, I hope he scored a goal.

The manager, Maisie Adams, said, let's send John up.

What?

Sending John up for a corner, Peter Schmeichel style.

Can United score?

They always score.

Name on the trophy it's 1999 it's the champions league it's the treble dave right so john gets sent up and i i'm thinking to myself this is a waste of time well also by this point because of a few needless sprints i'd done during the game beyond race pace my adductors had gone had they absolutely i was in so much pain so he had no adductors i had no adductors actually fallen off into his into his trousers yeah that's that's big my groin was unworkable, late.

Which is a shame because of what happened.

Yeah.

Because everyone wanted a go in his groin.

So Maisie says, John, come up for the corner.

I'm thinking to myself, this is a waste of time.

What a waste of time.

The crowd were chanting, John, John, John.

There's only one way of describing this, flopped my way up the pitch.

The corner gets floated in with a plum.

It wasn't a corner, it was a free kick.

Oh, was it Oko?

It gets floated in with a plum from Matt Bington, I think.

Correct.

He He seemed to be taking

set pieces.

He floats it in.

As he's coming towards the box, I'm thinking to myself, oh, John's standing there.

This is an enormous waste of time because John is a waste of time.

And then I remembered something that Guy Lineke said.

He said, Great goal scoring is all about anticipation.

and knowing where the ball is going to end up.

And you'll be wrong nine times out of ten, but the one time you're right, you'll score.

And I thought, but John doesn't even like, you know, football.

He doesn't know anything about Guy Lineker.

What's he doing standing there?

Oh, my God, it's the right place.

And he bundled it home.

Bundled is the word.

He bundled is not the word.

It is.

He joined.

Dave, it was very close to the line, but it was an absolute traction engine.

But it just only happened to travel two feet.

So he bundles it home, which means we need to.

Bundle it.

Let's remove the word bundle from the narrative.

All right, he fumbles it home.

I didn't fumble it in.

I kicked it in the net.

So anyway, he sort of kicks it slash bundles it slash flops it.

There's no bundling.

It's a bundle.

It's not a bundle.

It's a goalmouth scramble.

It's a goldmouth scramble.

Because the keeper does make a really good save.

Because John, because John gets good contact

and it goes in, it means that the game has now gone to penalties.

Yeah.

So I felt total elation.

So we all run off to celebrate.

John, he's gone.

Even though he's actually defining this narrative, he's forgotten he's defining the narrative because he's feeling such joy.

And my adductors and groin are on the floor.

Yeah.

His groin has come off in in his trousers now.

What an absolute night.

Anyway, everyone's going mad.

And I think it was Hugh Dennis said to me, he said, it means we've gotten to penalties.

John has done enough.

And I just kept saying, narrative, narrative, narrative, narrative.

He's bent it again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, what was extra nuts?

Well, where are we going with this?

Why don't we just have a little watch?

Just so, I mean, from an audio perspective, you'll hear the crowd go wild and we can be treated to another quick view of, oh, behind the goal as well.

Lovely stuff.

here we go

so there's John in the centre of the goal

he tries to head it he misses the header first of all

and then he's off limbs heals away limbs

John wins again

and it goes to penalties one of the players for Egg United is hastily looking to the fourth official saying that it should go to VAR.

Can John Scorey always scores?

Name on the trophy.

I've got about eight different angles of the goal on my Insta stories.

All for your deathbed.

All for my deathbed.

If you go to Limbs, a highlight reel on my Instagram profile, you can see all the angles.

All the angles.

More angles than you get a Wembley, amazingly.

And what's really nice is when I'm running up the pitch, Nish does a really good bit of commentary.

Oh, does he?

Yeah, because he's commentating.

Yeah.

So he says something like, and this is the final moment of the game.

John is putting his cap on backwards.

The audience are chanting, John, John, John.

Ball comes in.

Woo.

Yeah.

Big chip.

Raw bins.

Raw bins.

It was the best moment of my entire life.

I mean, I was having a wee a couple of days ago.

Just a normal common old garden wee.

This is a separate anecdote.

No, no.

And I remember the goal and I felt complete elation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, good.

It was big, Div.

Yeah, it did look big.

Well, we've got a couple of people on the line, haven't we, that contributed to the event in some way.

Oh, dear.

Well, on the line, we have friends of the show, Annie McGrath and Rick Edwards,

who are both playing for Egg United.

So they can, because John and I were on the same team, Dev, so they can talk about how

a last minute equalizer made them feel.

Because they thought they'd done enough.

Annie,

your head dropped.

That's what I remember.

your head dropping not for the first time um yeah it was it's always kind of exhilarating when the goalkeeper comes up the extra man the extra body that no one knows how to deal with a disruptor

a disruptor thank you but i was quite confident i was playing up front for egg united and i was confident that john wouldn't secure a goal and that i'd be able to just sort of run with the ball as it was cleared on the break but actually

the opposite happened and um i think jammers who was on our team, he's a good player, he's a good player, he's so good, he should be banned.

Yeah, he's so good.

I mean, he actually plays right back for Slough Town.

So, he, I think, someone from Chicken City had headed the ball, and Jammers managed to clear it from like a really difficult angle, but he cleared it sort of directly vertically upwards, and then it just landed right in front of John, and he just sort of tapped it in.

And it was an epic moment, but

yeah, soul-destroying for did you notice the lack of the word bundled there, Ellis?

And that's and that's from an opposition player.

I mean, it just whenever I see it, I think he's bundled it in.

They're some of my favorite ghouls, the bundled ghouls.

It was scrappy, it was scrappy.

It was scrappy, we'll give you that.

You're not Roberta Carlos, are you?

Well, and that's fine.

I'm Roberta Flack.

Meet me halfway.

You have value, John.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I think also on the line, we have Five Lives.

What a Five Lives Own.

Yes.

Rick Edwards.

Now, Rick, you've already covered this game on the Fantastic Breakfast Show with

Rachel.

Yes.

I have listened to that clip, and you described it slightly underwhelmingly as a nice moment.

It was a nice moment.

It was a nice moment.

It's not the goal that shook the world, though, is it?

A nice moment.

No, and I would say it was, for me, probably the definitive bundle yes yes

and i and i i don't say that as a criticism at all you should be proud of that bundle yeah

i slightly wondered whether it was already in when you staggered over

i'd love to see the gold iron technology come in um but my my principal memory in fact um and with with the caveat that it was very hot that day so no one was moving quickly and i understand that you had to run a significant uh park run pb in the morning So, as you as you sloped up the pitch,

I accept that word.

Yeah, it took an age.

Obviously, everyone was excited when they saw you were coming up, but then you know, I think people were getting a bit impatient.

It's like when they get Arnold Palmer to hit the first T-shot of the Masters, and

I don't think Arnold will be delighted with that comparison, but okay.

I'd like to know what the dimensions are of the Cheshire United pitch because it feels massive,

huge, It feels huge.

Also, to expect

there were three pros on each team, four pros on each team.

Excluding us.

Excluding us.

Yes.

To expect

at a push once monthly footballers to play 45 minute halves on a full pitch

on the hottest day of the year.

Outrageous.

You're only allowed three on the pitch at a time of the pros.

Yeah.

And they are good.

well jammers in particular should in my opinion should be playing at a higher level well that chap on our team with the uh the greying hair mitch i think yeah very good silky smooth just the patience and the the it looks like they're moving slower than everyone else let's use the word poise poise let's use the word poise um however can i just sorry can i quickly take issue with they look like they were moving more slowly than everyone else my memory is the exact opposite they looked like they were moving about four times faster than everyone else and with ease.

Well, I think when they're running, they're faster, but in terms of on the ball, they're just able to

panic.

I will say, having looked through quite a few Instagram videos in preparation for this, Jim Daly posted a video

which sort of exposes the Lino for being corrupt.

So he's sort of holding off Hugh Dennis and Ian Smith, and the liner just kicks the ball back in.

Wow.

Well,

corrupt.

It's also worth pointing out that we went to penalties and then Egg United did win on penalties.

Yeah, great.

And I think that was nice because there was, obviously, I bent the narrative.

Annie felt it happening.

Rick felt narrative bending.

But I didn't bend it all to my own will.

No, no, no, of course not.

I would also argue that we won the the game in sort of real time as well, given that what is being penned as an equalizer was actually the sick goal and we were seven goals up.

Sorry, Annie, you're breaking up there.

Gonna have to leave you now, but thanks so much for calling in.

Wonderful to have your memories there.

Rick Edwards, one of five lives owned.

I just feel this narrative is getting bent out of shape.

Oh, it's a fun game, though.

Oh, yeah.

It's a fun game that I think their team took more seriously than ours.

Their team were better.

Yeah, that jammers guy, he absolutely ran the game.

The second half, no one could get near him.

Who is he?

He plays in tier six, plays in step six for slow.

Also, I think at a professional level, it's interesting to watch the different ways people go about playing.

Like watching amateurs.

So there was a mixture of like, so Russell Howard's a good footballer.

yeah um Luke McQueen's a good footballer yes um Matthew Bainton's good footballer

so there was like a section of good amateurs who might would would get into a fiver side team and people who never play myself included and then the people who play for Cheshire United

and

what's really interesting to watch is how the amateurs, those two groups, are trying to do stuff they've seen off the telly

that they are completely incapable of.

Like drilling a ball across the pitch.

No, just like fancy footwork.

Right.

Trying to pass the ball.

I did a little team talk at half-time though.

Did you?

Because what they were doing is they were getting the ball in our box.

And then trying to

play out from the back.

So basically like the only way you're going to score a goal this way is if you string together 13 passes on a pitch which is very bobbly.

John's all about knocking it long.

but you should.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which we did do in the second half.

Yeah, and we played much better.

And then you see the pros doing stuff, and they're just not trying to be quite as clever.

The frustrating thing with 11-aside is I play a lot of five-aside.

I've played twice since the Taskmaster game.

I played last night and on Tuesday.

And in Fiverr side, you get the ball all the time.

So A, there's far less pressure on you when you get the ball.

And B, if you make a mistake, you can make amends 60 seconds later because you love the ball again.

Lemon aside, especially if you're out on the wing,

you might not see the ball for 10 minutes, you just end up running up and down the pitch, trundling up and down the pitch.

It was very, very hot.

And I'd done one run, and I got so thirsty, I thought, myself, if I don't have a drink now, this is I'm gonna need to go in an ambulance.

Yeah, and I asked uh Tim Key, who's playing for the other team, for some water, and he gave me an empty bottle, John.

Oh,

oh, classic keys,

classic key.

So, a wonderful day.

Definitely will make it into John Wynns again.

Yeah.

Oh, John Wynns Again, which is a big win.

Featuring Tuesday's episode.

It speaks volumes about my personality that I missed a penalty last year in the shootouts.

When I went to Penns Again this year, Maisie Adam asked if I was willing to take one.

And I gave her a look that said, I'm going to take you to court if you take a penalty.

So did you not take a pen?

I missed the pen last year.

It was Hugh Dennis this year.

Wow.

And I thought, I'm not going through that again.

What does that say about the man, Dave?

It says a lot, actually, John.

It does, doesn't it?

Because

the two personalities, need to achieve and need not to fail.

And you.

Yeah.

And I need not to fail.

So I didn't fail because I didn't take one.

Well, you did fail by not taking one.

Yeah, but it wasn't a public failure, was it?

No, it wasn't.

No, it wasn't.

You publicly failed to have the courage to like the menu.

There weren't 4,000 people there going, oh, Isela's going to take one.

I just didn't get noticed, so I avoided failure.

No.

If I'd taken a penalty and missed, that would have been a failure.

If I'd taken a penalty and scored, I would have if you'd taken a penalty and missed, people said that takes guts.

There's only an interesting perspective.

But

there were only five penalty tickers.

So there were six of us who made that decision.

Do you think, you honestly think by being a retiring little wallflower,

you have somehow succeeded, Ellis?

Let me tell you.

No, no, no, no.

Let me tell you.

No, no, no.

I've not succeeded.

I've avoided failure.

I don't think you have.

It's interesting.

I think you've failed twice.

You failed to step up.

You failed to be seen.

Failed in a far less public manner.

Because everyone sees you miss the penalty.

No one cares that you don't take it.

Let Hugh Dennis do it.

Let Hugh Dennis.

There was an English.

Let Hugh Dennis miss the pen.

Paul Lince.

Who wouldn't even watch?

He would turn around and look the other way.

Paul Lince on the halfway line.

The governor.

Did you do that?

Could you not even watch the penalty?

Oh, no, I watched them go in.

I mean, it's not.

You said, I wouldn't have have kicked you like that.

I'd have done better than that.

Don't worry, guys.

I'll stay here in the trenches for if you make it back.

I'll keep the place looking nice.

I'll organise a little party and I'll tidy up.

You go well.

No, don't worry about me.

I tidied it up, but I made a lovely casserole.

I love some bully beef.

Yeah, I'll make a bully beef casserole for you all and maybe see you in a day or two.

No, you're going to be fine.

Yeah, you'll be fine.

And if I've shot myself in the foot, you know, by the time time you come back well so be it yeah

i could good i couldn't have two

failures straight you know concurrently looks like a lot of fun

um shall we move on to the feature that's taking the world by storm big time so it's our it's it's one of our great global features it's it is and we've only done one in the past and that that stopped halfway through yeah yeah yeah so this is a better one which is a better global feature yeah

than all around the world in

the world in 80 days.

Around the world in 80 days.

Which was ambitious, wasn't it?

Anyway, what's going on?

Well, it's time once again for the most polished feature in British podcasting.

It's time for Ellison John's World Heritage Accents.

Mississippi.

Belfast.

Laurel Kerk.

Boston.

Winnipeg.

Come Aventure Brackets Rural.

Wise Japanese.

Ellison John's World Heritage Accents.

Yes, we love to hear your accents, so much so that we're compiling the World Heritage Accents list, sorting out the very best from the best.

Ellis and I have drawn up a long list of our favourite accents, and each week two accents are chosen to go head-to-head to find out which of them will achieve World Heritage status.

UNESCO World Heritage status.

Well, that seems to have been edited out of the records, right?

We can keep saying it, it's fine.

Dave,

UNESCO are involved in this, they just don't know it yet.

They can be anecdotally, I think, so it's fine to mention.

Are you worried about a cease and desist letter from UNESCO?

I don't know at this stage, John.

They're trying to increase World Heritage.

Yes, yeah, yeah.

We're doing their work for them.

What's not so low?

Exactly.

So far, on the World Heritage Status List of Accents Brackets, UNESCO.

There you go.

Mississippi.

I'm not as good as you.

I only have one copy of Queen in Cornwall.

Nice.

Noel West.

I'll tell you what, with an accent like mine, you'd let me look after your rabbit.

And Glasgow.

Just go harry up your nose, man.

You told that, man.

They'd understand what you're saying, man.

You've just got any idea.

What I've just said there, man, I could be calling you Edna.

Last week, we drew two names out of the hat, and they were Sunderland and Wise Japanese.

Yes.

For Sunderland.

On the line, we have Stephen Goldsmith, co-host of the Sunderland AFC podcast, Wise Man Say.

Hi, how are you doing?

Good, thank you very much.

And representing Wise Japanese, we have Rya Toro, a YouTuber and podcaster who makes videos about life in Japan.

Hello, how you doing?

Good, how are you doing?

Very good.

I don't know what the definition of wise in there, no?

Well, that's the tricky bit, isn't it?

Well, this is a line we are straddling with, some might say, tenacious balance.

Yeah.

So, because why is it?

It's interesting.

Why is Japanese is the only accent we've selected that it would be inappropriate for me and Ellis to do an impression of?

But why?

Yeah.

It's a debate for another time.

It's a debate for another podcast also by two different people.

Yes, 10 years ago.

On a different platform 10 years ago, that's been put in a capsule and thrown into the North Sea.

Absolutely.

So, Ryotaro, could you tell us about what you do on your YouTube channel?

So I am a Japanese person.

I'm a Japanese YouTuber.

I live in Japan, but I used to live in London.

When I was in university, I was in London for four years.

And

right now, I'm a YouTuber

trying to promote Japan, especially on hidden gems.

So especially the

lesser known places.

Well, we have represented in Sunderland, we have Stephen Goldsmith on the line.

Hello, Stephen.

How are you?

Hi, I feel like I'm on the back foot already, are you, lads?

I'm not going to lie.

No,

we've got wise people talking about this stuff, and I just talk about Sunderland.

Very, very cliché for this part of the world.

But it sounds fantastic.

So, I prefer cards on the table, the Sunderland accent, to the Newcastle accent.

Yes.

Could you, what are the main differences?

Because I think a lot of people will lump those two cities in together when it comes to the accent.

They absolutely wouldn't.

I think that's the most important thing to say, Ellis, really, because the whole northeast region over the last 20 years has kind of been an attempt to jordify it and this attempt to

be available.

Yeah, absolutely.

And I think Sunderland, you know, used to have all these distinct places with their own quirks.

And I feel like Sunderland's the only one that's really fought against it.

And I think the two things

that make us stand out and distinguish us really are the accent and the football team, where we've said, like, no, you know, we are different.

Now, there'll be expectation on me.

Anybody who's listening to this now from the northeast who know the differences between the Geordie accent and the Macomb accent are waiting for me to mention a certain vowel sound, which is generally how you distinguish it.

So, the double O sound,

how would people pronounce school, for example, there?

Well,

school is what I would say.

School.

So, it would be very Geordie would be school, and we are very much school.

And it's kind of like

my degree's in in English language and linguistics and um one of the modules we were doing on regional accents I always remember the lecturer he was he was you know with a lot I went to Sutherland Uni so there were a lot of people from Sutland a lot of people from Newcastle there and he wrote down a sentence and he asked everybody to read it

and that sentence was I was too cool to follow the rules at school and he made us all read that out and I think if you're watching something on the telly and it's a northeast accent and you're not immediately confident which one it would be it's that vowel sound the school sound that would say yes that person's from sunderland and i'll tell you what else we really really struggle with is if you put the double or sound and stick an r after it

so if you can think of a canadian um lager a canadian branded lager and we would go to the bar and you would ask for a pint of coolers

and um

i've i've been in a bar before with somebody from newcastle who i work with and i said i'll just have a pint of cooers And he was like, You would like a pint of what now?

And I said,

Here we go.

He's got me here.

The same with, you know, if somebody's ill and they are pooly, pooling

is how you would say that.

One thing, Ellis, because I've been, you know, I understand you have a good goat, the Macam accent.

Aye, yeah.

Could you say I'm from Sunderland?

I'm from Sunland is how I would say it when I'm doing me Macam voice.

It's not bad.

What I'd say

is that if you want to refine it,

drop all of the

the sounds in Sunderland.

It's just Sunland.

Sunland or Kia.

S-U-N-L-U-N.

So Sunland.

Sunland?

Okay.

Thank you.

And if you want to give it the chef's kiss,

it's I'm from Sunland, me.

I'm from Sunland, me.

Yes.

There you go.

Perfect.

Ryotaro.

I would love to be given instruction in the Japanese accent, but

John wants a Korea.

Yeah, unfortunately, I think it would be game over.

Are there lots of of different accents across Japan?

Yes, we do.

Like, for instance, we, like, at the northern island, it's got Hokkaido.

At the southern island, it's got Okinawa.

And we all have different accents.

And especially places like Tokyo, we call it like the proper accent.

Compared to Osaka, they speak completely different.

For instance, you know how we say like thank you in Japanese, you know that.

Arigato.

Arigato.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's it.

That's thank you.

But in Osaka, many people say okini.

Oh, okay.

So it's actually a different word.

Yeah, it's a totally different word.

Could you give us a wise phrase, please, in your wisest Japanese accent?

Wise wise phrase in Japanese.

What's the definition of wise there?

Imagine like a Japanese Buddhist sort of reflecting on someone's problem and saying, you know, something along the lines of something to do with water and the ocean.

Just an idiom or a proverb or something, maybe.

What's this?

I never thought of that, actually.

I've never said anything wise in my life, actually.

So, like, e.g., what's the sound of one hand clapping?

That's a koan.

Oh, is it?

Yeah, a Buddhist koan.

What does that mean?

Well, it's sort of a

question which is.

It's two brothers who made films.

No, it's a question which not necessarily has an answer, but it's meant to inspire sort of deeper thought.

And where Bart Simpson just goes, Yay.

Lisa says that.

Yeah.

Okay.

So what would be Japanese for what's the sound of one hand clapping?

Katate hakshu.

Ooh,

there we are.

It does sound like that.

Is that what you want?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Say more stuff like that.

Yeah, if you could give us just a couple of phrases about, I don't know, what you had for breakfast.

Like, maybe I should like include like Sunderland somewhere in the phrase, I guess so to make it wiser.

How's that?

Wow,

what was that?

What did you say?

I was like, I just

like my friend is from Sunderland.

I was like, what did I say?

Like, you know, I'm from Sunderland and I've lived there for three years.

That's what I said.

It sounded very wise.

Sounds very wise.

Stephen, would you say the Sunderland accent is changing?

Is it the accent you remember from growing up?

Because I think Welsh accents are changing.

So I think in terms of being like less slang, so it's quite interesting because

a couple of my daughters go to karate and we take them in.

And it's in an all-keemsless state that I spent time growing up in.

So I think I'm allowed to use that term.

And when we go there, the karate instructor, we always joke and say he's the most mackem person in the world.

Yeah.

So I'll read out a couple of sentences to you how I would say it, and then I'll say it how he would say it.

Oh, great, okay.

And this has been phased out a little bit.

So it was something about the kids doing a grade, and he didn't want to take them back into the room to do another grade because they weren't in the right frame of mind or something like that.

And I would say, you know, right, what it was, I didn't want to make them do it again.

Look, I just don't want the children to go through it again.

Okay, that's how I would say it.

Okay.

How he would say it would be,

Reit, what it was,

I didn't want to make muck them, did it again.

Look, I just wouldn't want the bands to gun through it again.

That's how he would say it.

That's UNESCO.

That's UNESCO.

Well, that is UNESCO.

Ryotaro and Stephen, thank you very much for joining us.

We're now going to battle it out, aren't we, Dave?

Yes, we are.

Yes.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

They're both great voices.

They're both great accents.

I loved listening to them both.

But we only have one winner.

And the question, as always, is:

is it UNESCO?

Is it

UNESCO?

Now, I think Sunderland is UNESCO.

Do you know why?

Because what do UNESCO celebrate?

They celebrate difference.

They celebrate heritage.

And as Stephen put it, there is a Jordification of the Northeast happening.

And it needs to be stopped.

So you want a UNESCO intervention?

I want a UNESCO intervention to protect and maintain Sunderland's status and his accent.

Because this Jordification, I mean, where's it going to end?

North Yorkshire?

I think it's going to end in people saying curs as opposed to curs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that would be bad.

That would be wrong, you see.

So I just think that we need to maintain these.

Because, I mean, the crazy thing with growing up in Wales and England and I'm sure Scotland the same, the accent can change every 10 or 15 miles.

So we don't want, we don't want things to be homogenized, do we?

No, we don't.

Let's celebrate our de vive le difference day, for God's sake.

He's passionate, John.

He's passionate.

He is.

How do you feel about wise Japanese?

I think there are better examples of it.

And I think maybe we should have explained what was happening to the person who called.

Of course, we did.

Yeah.

We spent about half an hour with him yesterday briefing him on what it was.

He seemed quite confused by the premise.

I mean, it is quite a confusion.

Yeah, I think

we could have explained that to him every day.

Like the past two years.

Oh, my God.

If someone rang me, if someone from Japan rang me up and said, hi, Ellis, we're doing the UNESCO World Heritage Accents.

We want wise Welsh to be involved, possibly.

So speak in your own voice, but be wiser.

I would be like, right, okay.

No, no, speak Welsh in a wise way.

Okay.

It is quite hard to grasp.

Also, I guess

when Ryotora was speaking in Japanese,

that was wise.

But is that what we're talking about?

Or are we talking about English in an accent?

Or are we talking about different languages?

Well, I think...

Because there's no doubt that Japanese is a UNESCO language.

Big time.

Big time.

I think considering the remit of this show.

and

our listeners and the audience we're playing to, I think it has to be English in an accent, as in the English language in an accent.

Because I think, on the basis of Ryatoro's English in a Japanese accent versus Stephen's English in a Sunderland accent,

I think it's all hands down for Sunderland.

Yeah.

But are we bringing Japanese in a Japanese accent?

I think we got a flavour for wise Japanese when he spoke Japanese.

Because when you said wise Japanese, which was such a curveball a few minutes ago, I didn't know exactly what you meant.

It is an accent I have been perhaps the first person to isolate.

You're certainly the first person to define, I think.

Yeah, yeah.

You've isolated it and you've defined it.

And to be honest, that is really a job for UNESCO.

It is, actually.

I'm doing UNESCO's work.

So he's doing UNESCO's work for them.

You could be like Jelly Harleywell.

She worked for UNICEF, didn't she, at one point?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, to get John involved.

Well, I think, look, I think...

And it's always nice to address the BBC's across the UK objectives, which is what we're, of course, doing with Sunderland's accent there.

I think Sunderland goes in and I think it was a lovely experiment to see how close we could get to wise Japanese.

And

it was a tricky experience.

Are you doing wise Chinese next week as well, Dean?

Oh, brief.

Well, the crazy thing is, you think of

we, I, think of Chinese as an accent.

That person's got Chinese accent.

China spans like 12 time zones.

Yeah.

But then I wonder if, is it the fact that the UK is so close together that means it's got so many accents?

Australia has fewer accents than the UK.

So maybe China has not, it doesn't have the UK times its size.

So it doesn't have like 100 UK's worth of accents.

Yes, I would agree with that.

So is Sunderland in?

Does Sunderland join?

Sunderland, Mississippi, Knoll and

Glasgow.

Into what?

What's it joining?

It's joining the pantheon, John.

Yeah.

The pantheon of great

bags.

So many elements, such an unclear purpose.

Are we going again?

I mean,

yeah, are we in for a penny?

In for a penny, in for a pound.

Okay, we've got the two bags of balls.

Don't forget, do not forget what we're doing here, which is now two separate velvet bags.

It's the FA Cup drawer.

It's the FA Cup drawer, but we've two separate bags because there is a John bag and an bag.

Yeah.

You both submitted your favourite accents and why.

Whose bag is that, Div?

This is.

I think this is John's.

So we have Durham.

Durham.

Very similar to Sunderland.

I mean, it's

almost walking distance.

Yeah, I know, but you're the one saying about there should be no jordification.

Oh, yeah, you're very good.

You've got a point.

And Ellis's bag.

We go digging, we go Middlesbrough.

Hartleypool and Newcastle.

Connectly.

Oh, yeah.

There we go.

So it's Durham versus

John that.

So many elements of this feature should have been different.

They should all be in the same bag.

They should be in the same bag at the same time.

Because we're not competing against each other because there's nothing we're competing for.

John, life is a competition.

Did you not listen accents?

You haven't checked the WhatsApps, have you?

The price is a quarter of a million pounds.

Is it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But goes to the council of the best accent.

No, it goes to the John Robbins charity or the Ellis James Foundation.

Oh, my God.

So, yeah, there's you, there's your Jeopardy.

That's the same peril, Div.

Now you need to find a quarter of a million quid.

That's fine.

And weirdly, that's probably the easy bit of the top.

Good, good.

We look forward to it, don't we?

Next week, of course.

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Well, let's take a break to listen to another UNESCO accent.

Yes.

The Dudley accent.

Is he from Dudley or Wolverhampton?

He's from West Bromwich.

Okay.

So all of those three with their different accents.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's black country.

His black country.

It's Adrian Chiles.

Ellis, were you

too young to remember the leaving of Vetchfield for Swansea?

No, I was there.

I was 24.

I went to

the last league game was against Shrewsbury, and then we played Wrexham in the FAW

Premier Cup in the final.

And

I hated leaving.

And it still doesn't feel quite the same, if I'm honest.

I wish I could have gone to Roker Park.

That's one of those great lost grounds I never got to go to.

Did you

take a bit of grass or a bolt or a seat or something?

Do what I did.

Oh, I took a bit of grass, all right.

They'd fenced off the final

one-third,

the final third of the north bank because it was unsafe.

And they'd fenced it off since before I started going to the club.

And some people just pulled the fence down

on the Monster Munch North Bank.

So

I got to stand at the back of the North Bank, which I'd never done before.

Even though it was unsafe.

Yeah, there was just big holes there, so you just avoided the holes and it was fine.

But there was all this

graffiti from 81, 82 when we were in the first division.

It was like a sort of weird time caps, and it was brilliant.

I've got, I've got

it was an amazing day, actually, in a crazy way, but it does make it very John.

Have you ever done anything similar?

Nicked a tea box or a flag after a good round of golf or

something like that.

I'm just trying to bring you into the first one.

His memories

box, he nicknamed his bag of death, and he uh he bended all a couple of years ago.

I'll tell you this, Adrian.

When a brewery got bought by a major

other brewery and ruined,

I was in the Eagle and Child in Oxford when they changed all the branding to be all sort of fancy and modern.

And I got a pump clip of what was formerly a fantastic ale

that was then ruined.

Not Garlsberg.

Not Carlsberg.

And that pump clip still sits on my shelf to this day.

So that would have been 23 years ago to mark the end of a great history of brewing and of pubs.

Okay.

So that's a nice reminder of the past.

Yeah.

There's no plan to leave the Hawthorns, is there, Adrian?

No, there's none.

Oh, I did something absolutely mad when I moved out of my childhood home.

All right.

Oh, yes.

Let's have all this.

I'm just rubbing my hands together.

Hang on,

this is absolutely mad.

I wrote the lyrics to the days of our lives by Queen in pencil on the floorboards and then wiped tears and blood on the wall of every room.

Okay.

Well, that's our

they walk among us, Adrian.

They walk among us.

I feel like we should go and pay a visit and see if it's still there.

Gentlemen, thank you.

Thank you so much.

John, thank you for that.

You're welcome.

I know I'm just trying to get out of Dodge here.

Just gently fade them out and we'll all come to terms.

Imagine being that intense at 12.

If anyone could, you could.

Ellis and John

coming up shortly.

Lighthouse show.

It's just gone 12:30.

Let's get the news and sport.

Wow, we really.

I mean, I chucked Adrian a bit a little bit of a grenade at the end of our chat, didn't I?

And then he had to throw to the news.

It was not because I knew what was coming because I have heard that before.

Not for a while.

No, no, not for

four years, and I forgot all about it.

Yeah.

So it was lovely to know there was some sort of reaction coming from Adrian.

I can remember the feel of the wallpaper under my fingers.

I can see it.

Can you?

Isn't that crazy?

Odd, isn't it?

Isn't it weird to think we die at the end of all this?

Yeah.

What do you make of it all then?

What happens to it all?

What, the lyrics under the wallpaper?

What happens to the feel of that wallpaper under my fingers when I die?

It just goes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It does.

There are some things that

it ends.

There isn't an answer to everything, John.

But it's not like you can't upload it somewhere.

No.

But it's in some kind of national archive of memory and texture and emotion.

There are national archives, yeah, but not for memory, and texture, and emotion, maybe for texture, different textiles.

Unless you believe in the afterlife, there's a textile museum.

The afterlife is a kind of cloud storage system, isn't it?

Yeah, it is actually, in a way.

It is.

Adrian is from Quinton.

There was a big Quinton, there was a big mod scene in Quinton at one point.

Yeah, a few Quinton mods.

Nice.

But yeah, yeah, they haven't ended up in a memory, in

the textile memory unit.

Let's

let's finish on some Mad Dad's Terra Firma.

Yeah.

Eh?

My dad, when he brought his first non-stick frying pan, kept the instructions and stuck them on the wall next to it.

Actual real wooden clods

and set about eating what must have been north of 24 egg canopes.

He then proceeded to empty 40 litres or so of punch onto the timber and and strike a match.

That's a mad.

That's a mad.

That's a mad.

Yes, we love the stories about your crazy dad-based shenanigans.

You can send them to ellisandjohn at bbc.co.uk.

Also, send your Shane Wells to the same address and your made-up games.

And your general correspondence.

And your general correspondent.

And a fox.

Yeah.

And orcs.

No real foxes.

Or a fox, Dave?

No.

And orcs.

A toy fox.

A toy foxer, maybe a taxidermied fox.

Actually, no, for God's sake.

Weird.

And too big to transport.

But speaking of correspondence, there's a special, more relaxed Bureau de Change tomorrow, which is

a chatty app.

It's a chatty app.

It's a chatty app.

How many read some emails out in it?

Orson Welles has had a week off.

He has, and he deserved it.

Thank you.

He's tired.

He's tired.

He's tired.

This is from Finn.

Hello, you wonderful, wonderful men.

I have a mad dad story that is in equal parts, totally gruesome, and absolutely bonkers, and I wanted to share it with you.

Around 23 years ago, my parents separated, and my dad, after a couple of years of finding his feet, relocated to the quaint, tranquil countryside of North Yorkshire.

That sounds like bliss.

Lovely part of the world.

I'd like to find my feet and relocate to...

North Yorkshire, Dave.

Would you?

Do you know anyone?

You wouldn't have any friends?

No.

He moved into a small cottage nestled deep in the Yorkshire wolds and set about rebuilding his life from there.

I would have loved to set about rebuilding my life from there, Dave.

Yeah, can I come?

Well,

yeah.

The cottage had an open fire, which was very fitting, and my dad got excited about the prospect of making his own fire and sourcing the wood for said fire.

With very little DIY or practical skills, he saw himself as some sort of budget lumberjack and set off to the B and Q at the local town about 30 miles away to purchase the biggest and meanest looking chainsaw his budget would allow.

Oh.

Alarm bells.

Okay.

Does it have to be a mean-looking chainsaw?

Once he got home, he had visions of setting off into the woods, felling trees and stockpiling wood for the next decade.

Gotta be very clear, you cannot do that.

You can't just go around cutting down trees.

What's the rule on the bushcraft course?

It's got to be dry, fallen wood.

can't still be attached to anything like a true mad dad he adhered to no instructions and got stuck straight in what follows has stuck with me forever and will haunt me for the rest of my waking days he began the motor of the chainsaw with the cover on depressed the cut clutch and motor and couldn't work out why nothing was happening sugar my coffee though it was awful it was then he realized the cover was still on so with the clutch still depressed and the revs being revved he grabbed hold of the cover and in one fluid motion yanked it off with brute force.

The cover flew out of the garage and across the driveway, along with the whole of his middle finger and the half of his ring finger.

Panic ensued, headless and fingerless, running around trying to locate the missing digits, screaming and a lot of blood.

Eventually, as a family, we recovered the missing 1.5 fingers and were on our way to the hospital.

Some quickfire emergency surgery and all was saved.

That's incredible.

That is incredible.

The fingers were returned and

although he has zero feeling in them due to the severed nerve endings, he does look a lot more normal than could have been the case.

However, the wood sourcing journey does not stop there.

He was discharged from hospital in a sling and cast and told to rest.

The first thing he did when he got home was to clumsily design a makeshift bench to be able to chop kindling for the fire he so desperately craved.

Long story short, he used a small hand axe with his weaker hand, missed, bounced the axe off the makeshift table and managed to hit himself above the eye with the blunt end of the axe, thus splitting his head open and needing seven stitches to repair it.

A return trip back to the same hospital, a mere three hours after returning home was on the cards.

Proper mad dad.

Needless to say, the chainsaw never saw the light of day again, and my dad made friends with a local farmer, who for a small cost provided dad with all the wood he would need to enjoy the fire thank you for your efforts in what you do guys aside from my wonderful children wife and newcastle united these podcasts are the highlight of my week much love finn

thank you fin

to read the instructions on a chainsaw well it's the weird Venn diagram of Mad Dad's from the guy who put the instructions to a non-stick pan on the kitchen wall

to a guy who doesn't read the instructions for a chainsaw which he's never used before.

See, I'd switch that around.

Exactly, Debian.

Yes.

Stick the chainsaw instructions to the wall onto your eta.

Tattoo.

Tattoo onto my thigh.

Trust that you can work out how a non-stick pan works.

I mean, I've considered getting a small chainsaw.

I've even googled them and read some blogs about them so that when I'm out on my walks, I can collect dead and fallen firewood.

But I decided it would be ridiculous and too much of a faff, and the bag would get too heavy too quickly.

But I have seen people do it.

It's suggested you have to read the instructions.

You have to read the instructions of a chainsaw.

And ideally, actually, get a chainsaw like certificates.

Yeah, yeah, go on a course.

Yeah.

Because

they don't discriminate.

They don't discriminate.

They do not discriminate.

Whether it's firewood or a finger, they don't discriminate.

You've got to.

Whether it's twig or tib.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So thank you very much for your correspondence.

We will see you again very soon.

Saturday is the relaxed Bureau de Change of the Soundbite of the Mind.

Three of us, just in towels.

Yeah, just in towels.

Well, if you recall back to when it first started, I think, did we call it the dressing gown section for a while?

The Bureau?

I don't know, Dave.

I'm just living in the present.

It's taken many forms.

It's hugely relaxed.

We just read our emails.

Bit of post.

It's like a spa day.

It is like a spa day, isn't it?

Yeah.

Can I have a coffee?

Yeah, yes, we all need it.

We all need a coffee.

Pew, pew.

Have you noticed once again?

Since I'm not having chocolate, I don't get my roller coaster.

I don't know.

You seem quite

low.

It's the bit before the roller coaster started.

Yeah.

Oh, are you scared?

Oh, it's not going to be that hot, is it?

We kept us on our toes.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we'll get you a little coffee.

Thank you.

And then, yes, back on Saturday and back on Tuesday.

Lovely.

Bye-bye.

Bye.