#436 - I Attract The Mums, 200,000 Items and John Robins Ltd.

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BBC Sounds, music, radio, podcasts.

Hello listeners, welcome to the Ellis and John show and we are celebrating a new dawn.

Regular listeners will know that two weeks ago it was my turn to write the intro and like all great art, it divided opinion.

Dave charitably described it as a sequel to John's intro from the previous week, whereas John said it was plagiarism from his unthinking unprofessional co-host, not even a very good plagiarism at that, which oddly, considering I wrote it, is what I think.

That's right listeners, I've been reprimanded.

After my telling off, Dave told Director General of BBC Tim Davey that John and I were on the rocks, and Tim suggested we both go for couples counselling.

Something that during the course of his career, he has also suggested to Blair and Brown, Sheera and Sutton and Metallica.

Dave put up the call and on Monday morning we both met with Agatha, a relationships expert based in Stockport who Dave knows from the school run and he gets kickbacks from.

When it was explained to Agatha how integral we are to the success of BBC Sounds, she gave a low whistle like a mechanic who's about to fail a car's MOT and immediately hit us with her best ideas.

It began simply enough.

John and I were asked to listen to Adrian Childs and stare deep into each other's eyes for three minutes.

This went well as although it felt like uncharacteristically intimate behaviour, Adrian was doing a feature in which he asked his listeners if bird song was better than crisps.

It was at this point that Agatha's ideas around repairing our bond became more intense.

She turned off 5 Live and asked us to talk about our physical boundaries before we cuddled and touched each other uninterrupted for 20 minutes.

Respecting the boundaries we had just set.

Afterwards, we were asked to talk about how it felt and address any issues or concerns.

John had got a bit quiet, so I asked Raiding a show to be put back on, and Agatha said that was fine, all things considered.

Sensing we were both a bit hot and bothered, Agatha decided to break up the session by blindfolding John and making me guide him through an obstacle course.

As he became entangled on a cargo net, we both started using the worst swear word English has to offer, and Agatha realised that despite us bonding over how annoying cargo nets are, the atmosphere had changed.

Tim Davey, who had watched everything from a deck chair, continued to emphasise how important we are to the continued success of Bubesy Sams, but Agatha said she didn't respond well to pressure, so Tim suggested we all take five minutes for a Calippo break.

Coming back to the session refreshed, Agatha asked us to talk about happy moments we'd shared together.

I said I'd really enjoyed doing various live gigs and I was looking forward to the tour and John said that his favourite bit was when we met the inventor of Wordle and I didn't speak.

Agatha could sense there was still more to do.

She made us face each other, put our foreheads together and breathe together.

As Adrian talked to Lisa Nandi about whether she likes hot drinks.

Who knows?

Maybe it was Lisa Nandi saying that she likes both tea and coffee the same.

Maybe it was the fact that our breath was in sync and our hearts were now beating in complete harmony.

But things seemed to change in John.

He told me that the book he's reading about radical acceptance was making him see my failings in a different light and he appreciated me trying to change.

I nodded.

Tim gave a calippo slurp of recognition.

I felt light-headed with relief.

Dave counted his money and mouthed ten more years.

Agatha smiled and said that her work was done.

Oh, Oh, what a joy and a closeness pervades, doesn't it, Dave?

But it was an intense day.

It was, but we've now got a synergy because I noticed that Lisa Nandi makes another appearance in the intro after appearing in my intro last week.

Did she?

Yeah.

For God's sake.

I even googled members of the cabinet.

I thought, Wes Streeting is too obvious,

as is Rachel Reeves.

So I went one down to Nandy.

The culture secretary.

Yeah.

I thought Reeves is too obvious, Rainer's too obvious, Streeting's too obvious.

Let's go, Nandi.

Okay, but only one.

Only one.

And also, it's not your reference.

It's not like you're the only person.

You're the only culture

who's allowed to mention Lisa Nando.

No.

It's just a coincidence, I would say.

And this is where your book, Radical Acceptance, is so important because

you can see that though, can't you?

Yeah, we've just got to accept things for what they are, not resist them.

So I'm not resisting that two weeks in a row

there's been an infl influence on your intro from my intro yeah because um good poets imitate great poets steal do they yeah that's what ts eliot said oh okay i can't think

about ts eliot yeah

um i can't think other than possibly melvin bragg

that there's a broadcaster on earth who's mentioned ts elliott as much as you

he does well he it probably suggests i've got a broader knowledge of of poetry than I have.

It really is just T.S.

Eliot and Philip Larkin and a bit of Beowulf.

But I've really squeezed the juice out of those lemons to give the impression of a brag.

Whereas brag is your dream quiz quiz team partner.

And Shakespeare, it unfortunately got edited out.

But when you had your meltdown because of your credit rating, you began quoting Shakespeare.

And I think we should have kept that in, but frustratingly...

It was a complex edit.

It was a complex edit.

Yeah, let's not get into it.

It would have have made it look a bit more light-hearted, I think, if we'd kept in John shouting Shakespeare at himself as he was on the phone to a man from Equifax.

Yeah.

Experienum.

Experien.

But your intro reminded me of the Netflix show Sex, Love, and Goop.

Have you seen that?

No, what happens in that?

It's Gwyneth Paltrow.

So if I were to give you the sort of elevator pitch, it would sound bad.

Okay.

It's Gwyneth Paltrow and a sex expert watching footage of couples being given sex lessons by other sex experts.

Okay.

Which involve...

Sex experts, obviously.

Yeah, which when I say hands-on,

it's hands-on.

Right, okay.

I've seen...

It's actually hands-in to an extent.

All in a very

safe, holding, consensual, respectful.

I mean, I'll say boundary, but the boundary is quite wide.

Okay.

I suppose as long as you agree to that wide boundary.

But actually, given that from the elevator pitch, it was the last thing on earth I wanted to watch.

Because I've seen the one where couples are in relation,

have counselling.

I've seen that one.

I can't remember what it's called.

Yes, that's very good.

Yes.

No, this is.

So they're having sex lessons.

Yes.

Right.

With some of...

On telly.

Yes.

Why would you do that?

Because you want to...

Anything more embarrassing.

Well, just Google it.

There's so much stuff online there

really is there is a lot but a lot of the stuff online ellis it's not realistic is it joe is not representational of a caring yeah um yeah yeah nuanced respectful relationship no and it doesn't offer realistic um body goals or body images yes goals is the wrong word for that you've often you're always saying that yeah yeah yeah you say that at the start of every meeting ellis says can we just get one thing straight pornography doesn't reflect my experience my lived experience.

You said that at a christening last week.

You did, didn't you?

Yeah, and I ruined the atmosphere.

And then the vicar kissed your head and put water on you.

But no, they get these

very

revealing sessions with couples.

So is it an 18?

It's no, it's not filmed in an explicit way, even though what is going on is sometimes explicit.

So they've got dressing guns on?

No, sometimes none.

Sometimes, you know,

I mean, how.

I mean, the mind is boggling, John.

When you say,

I hate to go back to the hands bit.

People are being taught how to pleasure their lovers.

But the teacher

is often the one being hands-on.

Sometimes.

Interesting.

As if to give a sort of an example.

Yes, like a guide.

Like a guide.

I wonder what that teacher's career's officer told them at school.

They did not call it.

No.

They did not see this coming.

No.

No.

Anyway, it's actually really interesting because you see the couples going on a journey sometimes of understanding each other better, understanding themselves better.

There's one where a guy cries during moments of sexual eroticism.

Really?

It's very powerful.

But much well worth watching if Ellis's intro made you think, I want to see what that looks like on screen.

But there is stuff like staring into each other's eyes for a minute yeah because even people who've been together a long time probably the last how was the last time you stared into Hannah's eyes for a minute Dave uh

oh a minute a minute's a long time it is a long time

no long time long time ago so it was a couple that were really

had been together like 10 years and just really bad at physical touch really uncomfortable so they would sort of teach them to dance and and all this stuff it's interesting

i mean i would not go on it for 10 hundred thousand billion grand yeah No, no, I couldn't put,

I wouldn't be able to perform.

No, well, it's not

performative, is it?

No, no, no.

It's not like have sex and I'll watch you and take notes.

No, but I mean, I wouldn't be able to perform.

And Gwyneth Paltrow is there.

And Gwyneth Paltra is...

No, she's watching from a sofa.

That's

bad.

In her

sort of apartment.

I mean,

I'd prefer to be dipped in a pool full of piranhas, I think, than do this.

I'd have a go at being one of the experts.

Oh, Oh, that would be the bit I'd do.

Yeah.

I'd have to rustle up a CV,

which might contain the odd porcupine.

Yeah, I'd love to see your CV.

My sex CV.

No, didn't say that.

Didn't say that.

My sex instructor CV.

No.

Because when was the last time you wrote a CV?

2004.

Yeah.

Maybe 2005.

I'd love to see.

I've got it.

I've got it on my laptop.

Oh, my lord.

Your 2004 CV.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have you got like a mission statement at the top?

No, this is before that.

Yeah, it's just experience.

Do people do mission statements?

No.

There's like, yeah, if you've got a...

I think that was a bit corny.

Imagine having a mission statement as an individual.

That's what you do as like a software company.

Limited company.

Let me, I'll find you mine as well.

You've got your CV just like that.

Yeah, because you just go to your emails and you've probably sent it to Virgin FM in 2006 or something.

So, um i mean also what if i got cancelled and needed to find a job in a hurry yeah you got what was your mission statement dave i'm finding it you've got a mission statement

i think my mission statement i don't know here we go last opened 2008 wow

Isn't it funny when you look back at your language from like it's funny how your speech changes because I've got an email here that I wrote to someone in 2007 and it starts with, all right, lad.

What?

Do you want to hear my CV?

I'm sending your CV to a mate who's clearly printing it for me.

Oh, right.

All right, lad.

Go on.

John Robbins, big font at the top.

Of course.

Really big.

Just so people know exactly who you are.

34-point text, and that's in Palatino.

Oh, nice, classy type.

Classic.

You could be a coffee shop in Venice with that.

Oh, absolutely.

Absolutely.

Education.

Oh, embarrassing.

2001 to 4, St Anne's College, Oxford.

University of Oxford in bold.

Is that at the top?

Yeah.

That's interesting.

Why

is the thing?

He hasn't got anywhere.

Well, because education is usually at the bottom as a bit of a.

Yeah, but he's 23 or something, isn't he?

Hey, listen, this is what I've got here.

It's at the bottom.

But if, hey, if you're doing St Anne's, why not?

Awesome.

John hasn't done anything.

Mark from God to Oxford and then

blow minds after a bit as a stand-up comedy.

1993 to 2000, A-levels,

English literature, brackets A, media studies, brackets A theatre studies brackets A general studies brackets A it looks like your A levels took you seven years it does

no wonder you got A's

kept going back and resetting them

A brackets eventually A brackets eventually 2005 to date self-employed stand-up comedian performing over 200 gigs a year

responsible for all promotion marketing admin accounting transport and organization of a challenging career in a heavily competited entertainment environment.

Yes.

And it wasn't as competitive then.

No.

2004 to 2005, Borders Bristol.

Great.

The bookshop non-defunct.

Immediately responsible for the supervision of four sales assistants.

What, you?

Were you?

What?

You were a man

manager.

You were a supervisor.

You were a supervisor.

I worked my way up to supervisor within a year, sure.

You were a supervisor.

Do you know what I do when I see a glass ceiling?

What?

I shoot it with a billion guns.

I also haven't seen one because I'm a man.

I'm a white man.

A white, straight man.

Working in a bookshop.

Not a hell of a lot of glass ceilings knocking around, to be honest.

No, no.

And then I clean it up with a dustban and brush.

Liaising with management to drive productivity.

What a beautiful turn of phrase.

Oh my God.

Who told you to write that down?

You didn't come up with that yourself.

Wow.

Specific responsibility for a stock of over 200,000 items.

Specific.

Specific books.

Not for even trouble.

I would have spent so long working out how many books were in the shop.

There can't have been 200,000 books in your shop.

Easy.

And pens?

200,000 books.

Yeah, easy.

And pens.

In borders.

Yeah, and notebooks.

Yeah, but you're not counting every staple, are you?

When you're saying 200,000.

Counting every notebook, every pen, every little game.

Every DVD.

Ever heard of them, Dave?

Yes, I have.

How big was this borders?

200,000.

It was two floors.

It was massive.

It was top of parks.

That's only not so far off quarter of a million books in one year.

I know.

It was massive.

It was too big.

That's why it went bust.

Jonah Lomu did a book signing there.

Did he?

He was a lovely bloke apart.

Oh, lovely man.

Cash verification and accounting for a store whose revenue can increase to £60,000 in a single day.

Whoa.

I'm on Reddit.

How many books are in a bookshop?

A safe estimate for a store of that size would be between two and five thousand.

Less than that, I'd say it becomes a poorly stocked average store or a smaller bookshop.

How many books are in Waterstones?

The average Waterstones branch sells a range of approximately 30,000 individual books.

How many books you sell?

200, 200,000.

Ellis, it was big.

It was huge.

Have you not heard him?

It's massive.

Waterstones are big as well.

No, this was like four or five times, and it did DVDs and it had a paper chase.

So what's your problem, you man?

accept it thick plank

it doesn't matter there's just so many i just want your cv to be accurate it doesn't matter

when comedy goes wrong

skills exemplary customer service organization and prioritizing of duties communicating with management head office never did that and customers to resolve disputes and improve existing processes and systems disputes what do you mean by that then?

So, as in people arguing on the shop floor,

you take a call in Borders Bookshop now, defunct.

Hello, Borders Bookshop.

Excuse me.

It's about 30,000 books, mate, if you're asking.

It's not.

It wasn't the last time I was in there.

It's on two floors.

It's one of the biggest retail spaces in Bristol, which is one of the biggest cities in the country.

And there were a lot of pens.

Anyway, that's not the nature of my call.

I asked for a Lonely planet USA to be set aside and ordered.

Yeah, sorry.

And I told you it was for my husband's birthday as a surprise because we're going to the USA, Miami, if you must know.

Anyway, one of your colleagues called to tell him it was in, so it's ruined the surprise and the holiday, and we're now divorced.

Oh, yeah, and sorry, and I've lost it now.

What, amongst the 199,999 other books and pens.

I'm never going to find it.

It's too big, mate.

This shop is absolutely huge.

Well, I'm not calling because I want the book.

I'm calling because you have ruined our holiday by telling him that the surprise present was in stock.

Listen, my friend John is my boss, and he will not suck me, okay?

Because I am willing to go to the pub with him and drink at lunchtime.

So you can threaten me all you like, but I am safe as houses in this job.

Uh, well, whether your job is safe or not, I would like you to refund the tickets to the holiday we're now got not going on because we're now divorced, which comes to £1,500.

Mate,

one word swivel so that sort of thing

it felt like you that you kind of fanned the flames of the dispute yeah but i'm i'm safe in this span i'm safe as houses mate uh we move on to there's a shop there's a waterstones with six floors two cafes and a bar and that's in miles of shadows that's in oxford uh

piccadilly it's officially europe's largest bookshop how many books and it's got 150 000 books well there you go add 50 000 pens staring down the barrel at 200,000 items.

He said items.

Let's not forget.

This has got six floors.

This has got two floors.

But he's been clever.

He's been enormous.

He's been clever with it.

He said, items.

It can be anything.

It's the biggest.

It's Europe's largest

shop.

Paper chase.

He could have a sand pit in there, and he's claiming every grain of sand is an item.

He's not claiming grains of sand.

2004, Altered Radio FM.

What's the altered radio?

Produced and presented two two-hour music programmes, an introduction to Frank Zappa and an introduction to Lou Reed.

Skills, research, and scripting.

Engineering, Dave, two-live broadcasts.

Imagine that.

What job are you going for?

Christ knows.

God knows.

Lord knows.

I don't know.

2008, aren't we?

You were doing Edinburgh in 2008.

No, that was the last time I opened the document.

Cherwell student newspaper, expensive, extensive desktop publishing experience using Quark Express,

communicating with record labels and PR representatives.

It's broad, isn't it?

This is the, because I think what you should do with CVs these days is if you're going to go for a job, you tailor it so that it all kind of at least leads towards the job you're going for.

Here, you've got stand-up comic, borders supervisor, but also when you're young,

when you're young, you're you've got to have

you feel like you need to say everything to make you come across as someone who's quite worldly wise.

I've got positions of responsibility, English Undergraduate Studies Committee.

English, it was a committee I was on at university because I'm cool.

Okay.

English Faculty Joint Consultative Committee, which is another committee I was on at university.

And what did you do?

I was elected by my college to represent St.

Anne's English undergraduates in matters of syllabus structure, exam content, and faculty teaching resources.

Did you?

Whilst you were there.

With responsibility for over 200,000 books.

What a point, Dexter.

JCR Committee Bar Steward

and Chairman of the Castle School Sixth Form Committee.

I was that guy.

Did you put your darts in there?

No, I didn't.

I'm not sure about that because in 2008, you're 26.

He's not, but this is when you open it.

That's when he opened it.

Yeah, yeah, but he could have deleted it.

Sixth form committees.

When did you write it?

I reckon, well, I've said 2005 to date for my self-employment as a stand-up comedian.

So I reckon this is when I was looking for temp work in 2006.

Ah, okay.

Interesting.

So there you go.

What are you rocking, Dave?

Oh, I don't.

I mean,

there's been such fun around yours.

I don't know whether I'm screwed.

I'll I'll give you my mission statement.

Yeah.

I've got a few

punch graphic name.

Oh, my God.

Let's have a look.

So I've done like

a Microsoft Word kind of thing.

What's it called?

Like when you like that plastic punching that you put in.

It looks like typing.

Yeah, like type paper that you put.

Organizer label maker.

Exactly.

What age was this, Dave, and what were you doing it for?

I would have been doing this for radio.

I'd have been doing this to actually move to London, which I ended up producing XFM Drive with Dave Berry for this.

So, this CV got you that job?

Yeah.

Better was that font.

XFM saw that font and said, Here's our man.

It looks like you're desperate to turn yourself into a brand.

Yeah.

My mission statement at the sub is: I'm a live show producer who relishes the pace and excitements of creating radio that brings entertaining and compelling content to its audience.

Those long sentences.

Yeah, need a comma in there somewhere.

But all one word.

I know spaces.

I like the hashtag.

I like the sentiment.

You've got to set your stall out.

This is what I do.

This is what I do well.

Hire me.

Just like when we were live on Five Live and you were always telling us to build people up for the weekend.

They'll have read that and thought, if he writes his C V on Coke, then he's going to be great on breakfast.

And then it's all radio.

But this is it, John.

You see, I was going for a radio job on my CV.

It's Zane Lowe, Radio One, X Fem Manchester Breakfast, X Fem Manchester Daytime, X Fem Manchester Station Producer.

You've tailored it to your job position very cannibal.

But John has gone for temp work, so

it feels like I was going for a role as a sort of public intellectual.

Yeah, but it gets quite thin towards the bottom because I've included an extracurricular section.

Good.

They like to see that.

So you've got a broad personality.

I think it's a bit of a dad.

Well, yeah, it is.

I've always shown great enthusiasm for football and athletics.

For football, I've represented Stockport in international tournaments in Europe, winning twice.

That's nice.

But I don't know know who cares about

no one cares.

I went for a job in Safeway when I was about 16, and at the bottom, I said, I do like modern 20th-century literature.

But I didn't get it.

I think they just thought this guy's going to be reading books.

I've also said I like Mystery Jets, Kings of Lee, on an Elbow.

When you use a job at XFLs, that's fair enough.

I'm not going to pillory you for that, Dave.

No, I can't believe you used that font.

Well,

it's not a font, even.

It's a graphic.

It's like a design.

I would never.

but that that was quite a cool thing to do in 2006.

2007, yeah.

Well, speaking of C Vs, Ellis, yeah, there's something I'm looking to add to my C V

aren't I, Dave?

Yeah, should you talk about that now?

Yeah, let's talk about that now.

Ellis, what Haile Gabra Selassie, yeah, Paula Radcliffe, Elliot Kipchogi, John Robbins,

Ellis, I have entered the London Marathon.

You

I have.

No way.

Way.

When?

Next year.

Next year, yes.

John.

Are you sure?

Yes.

No, he can't be.

I am sure, but I can't be sure yet because it's quite complicated securing a place.

Yeah.

But sure as in you have faith that you can do it.

Sure as in your person's going to sort me out with a place, Dave, because if they don't, this whole house of cards comes to me very quickly.

Why are you not worried about that?

What if you get Diarrhea on the day?

What if you get Diarrhea on the day?

Well, I've got that covered.

I'm going to set the world record for the quickest London marathon wearing a nappy.

No.

I'm going to practice with

my fueling, my gels, in training.

You need to.

Number one rule.

Yeah, yeah.

You don't want to be taking a gel for the first time.

No.

On the course.

And don't change brands.

No, God, no.

Absolutely not.

God, no.

So, this is exciting, John.

It's exciting, Ellis.

It's exciting for us.

It's exciting for Brand Britain.

It's exciting for the London Marathon.

They're desperate to have me a ball.

What a change!

Aren't they, David?

I suggested John take up running about two years ago.

Do you remember this?

Yeah, probably longer than two years ago.

And he said, I can't because my bones are too heavy.

You actually used that as an excuse.

Well, this was a long time ago I was telling you I wasn't born to run, and I'm not.

And that's what makes me even more brave.

It does.

Because I'm overcoming my genes.

You should read Born to Run.

It's a great book.

I read a bit of it on holiday once.

There is,

I'm very excited for you.

Me too.

It's great stuff.

You've, you've, you've not done a half?

You've not done a ten yet, have you?

So I suppose my question is, are you confident that you'll get to the point where you can do a 26 miler?

Because it's a long way.

You've got a year to prepare.

Yes.

We're talking goals, aren't we, Dave?

We are, actually, we're talking a narrative that Hollywood would pay billions for.

Yeah.

But yeah.

If a big name was attached and it wasn't really.

Kevin Costner was going to run a marathon.

I don't think he would be enough to get this away.

But you are.

Goals.

Interesting that we talk about goals.

All my goals are mental goals, as in mind goals.

Okay.

One of my goals is to monitor pain, Ellis.

Great, and enter into a dialogue with it.

Well, Elliot Kipchogi says the mistake a lot of people make is they resist the pain.

You've got to keep the pain.

He says, keep the pain.

I love that, so I'm going to keep the pain.

Yeah.

i'm also going to remember to do my gels at regular intervals that's another goal

um obviously my dream goal is to win the thing

i wouldn't be entering if i didn't think i had a chance yeah yeah um that's maybe not a bit optimistic now at this stage and third though probably yeah podium minimum podium um but as i've only run 13 kilometers so far

about eight miles isn't it don't know right about that yeah um i think winning is beyond me now At the moment.

At the moment, Dave.

Yeah.

I've taken on my coach, Ali, who is my coach.

We've got a 52-week plan.

Okay.

I'm very excited about this.

I've got a morning hamstring strengthening ritual.

This is what you need.

I think you need this.

This is what Britain needs.

Yeah, I'm less so about that.

Finally, an inspiring story in the London Marathon, Dave.

What are you going to address as?

Rhino, Fridge, Carrot, Big Ben?

Freddie Mercury.

That's interesting.

I'm not sure I want to dress as...

Can I dress as a marathon runner?

Yeah, you can.

I think you've done 30k.

That is roughly eight miles.

So you've basically done a third of it already.

8, 16, 24.

26.

I've done about just over a quarter of a marathon.

Yeah.

And if you get quarter of the way through the week, you feel like you're into the week.

Oh, it's bloody Wednesday nearly.

It's almost Wednesday.

I think Abyssis of eight miles is a good year to go.

Yeah, you're fine.

Well,

I've hit all my targets nearly for this week, the first week of the 52-week training plan.

I had to do intervals, which is when you run really, really fast for a bit, and I pumped my arms so hard that I pulled a muscle in my helmet.

It's looking good.

It's still good.

I was like this.

Where do you do the intervals?

On a treadmill or a mountain?

I know on hills.

I do all my running on hills.

It's fantastic.

All my running at altitude.

Is it a flat course, Steve?

London?

London's pretty flat.

So if you're running on hills, it's like a meal's out of it running with his wife on his back.

When we get to the race, it's easy.

One problem I have near me is there's no flat territory, really.

It's all hills.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's great.

A race born of Chilton.

The Chilton area of outstanding natural beauty.

Great.

Well, listen, I'm excited.

There's a year to go.

I'm looking forward to a really impactful story arc to millions of podcast listeners.

If you're listening to London Marathon,

if you're listening to London Marathon.

I am so glad.

We've just got to get that.

Just got to get that place across the line.

But we will.

We've just got to get that place across the line, and then I'll be able to tell you what charity I'm running for.

Oh, yes, of course, yeah.

And we will get into a wonderful year-long discussion about whether the BBC let me plug my charity on the show.

What charity charity?

I can't wait to stop.

John,

John, you can't.

Because it's going to be the BBC at its best.

Also, John, you can't make the charity your own limited company.

company.

Total queen charity.

So why don't we have a little look back?

At the moments, because

we've got a little surprise for John.

What?

Oh, yeah.

Because it's not always been Rosie in the garden of John's running methods.

I don't know what that means.

But what I'm trying to say is there's been moments in the past where this moment would have felt like it would never come due to what you

said about your attitude to running has changed.

This is the start of the documentary, Dave.

It absolutely is.

It's where you sit down, but the camera's already, it's the B-roll, isn't it?

And you're going to be able to do it.

Steve red created the talking head so no one thought he could do it.

Yeah, exactly.

So what is down and out?

God is brave.

So

why don't we remind ourselves and the listeners of the many times where John has poured scorn over the world of running?

Well, how much would I have to pay you to run the London line, Africa?

40 grand.

I have absolutely no interest in it whatsoever.

My body is, my muscles are so tight.

It would be hell.

I wouldn't enjoy it.

I don't care.

John's never been a runner.

I once suggested to John that he go running, and then he said, I can't do that because my bones are too heavy.

Which, to me, felt like a bad excuse.

I will never do a marathon when I'm 90.

No.

You never do a marathon, anyway.

No, I can't be bothered.

It's so far.

It is too far.

Yeah, a bodybuilder like myself, not suited to high levels of cardio.

No, you're not.

Beefcakes like you, John, you rarely see them on the pound in the pee.

I went for one of my eight-minute runs the other day and then had to have two rest days because of the impact on my thighs, like all elite athletes after doing eight minutes exercise.

It's good to let your body recover.

So I thought, if I can just get to the...

I walk to a gate most days.

And I thought, well, if you can get to the gate running

by, say, the end of the month, then that's an achievement.

So I did manage to get there all in one go, all the way to the gate.

It was a classic six-minute 20-second run.

Okay.

That's all you need.

Do it, because no one, you know, just do it so you feel good at the end of the run.

It doesn't matter how fast you go.

Be like John, run to win and hate yourself.

Yeah.

What a t-shirt that would be.

Run to win and hate yourself.

If I ever run a marathon, I could have that on my t-shirt.

What charity are you running for?

No one.

I'm running to win and hating myself.

Wow.

what a story

already what a bleak statement i walk to a gate most days

well imagine the days where you don't have the motivation to walk to a gate yeah in your life if there are any radio producers out there that's why you do a show log every single week to try and find that stuff that was making the show log that all that stuff made the show log which means we could we could actually find all that quite easily really yeah it's really pretty and michael really impressive i was wondering why there wasn't any of the bits where weren't really mean about runners

maybe that wasn't in the show log that's true but john does that i don't know as we played that i thought is this actually maybe

too moving chipping away at the confidence i find that quite i actually find that quite inspiring yeah to go from walking to a gate most days and then running it once in six minutes so where's the gate then well there's probably loads of clips of radio x of me saying why you're out running just go and get lashed oh too hungover to run hundreds thousands yeah yeah rights issues though.

Is it really?

Would we be able to play Radio X clips?

You got to write a form every single time, and the form takes two to three days to get the signature back.

It's a faff, John.

And I'm not allowed into the building to hand it into reception.

I've got to knock on the door.

Oh, Radio X, you were extremely anti-exercise on Radio X.

My God.

Pro-lasher size.

I love that though.

Where's this gate if it's six minutes?

In the countryside.

Okay.

That was your target gate.

That was my target gate.

Yeah.

Countryside gate.

So yeah, if you're listening to...

If you're listening to this and you find the idea of me talking about running for a year annoying, prepare to be annoyed.

Yeah.

Well, we'll come and go.

You need to sell run to win and hate yourself merch.

That's got to happen now.

That's got to happen.

That's got to be.

You know how people put their, they genuinely put their names on their vests.

So you get like, I had Danny Dyer, as I talked about recently.

Right.

Because he was on the the snow he was on the side i didn't have danny dyer on my chest i was gonna say

the sidelines going got a dave got a mate because i had dave so it's really nice

you should have run to win or hate yourself no i don't want that i want my charity's name not my charity the charity i'm going to run john robbins limited company and um

and my my name a little as well johnny jr it's nice to have your name don't feel like that's you're not blowing your own trumpet there it's not arrogant to have your name it's just really nice because people can cheer and have it on the front, not the back.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

It's a really good thing to do because it just keeps you pepped, keeps you going.

So

I'm following lots of runners on YouTube.

I'm watching lots of videos about running kit.

And every so often I'm actually able to get out for a run.

Good.

And Paul Tompkinson is your college friend.

He's just done the marathon to Sambla.

Yeah.

You should get on to Paul.

That's insane what he's just done.

Fair play to him.

Incredible running in the Sahara Desert.

So there there we go.

Look forward to that.

Yes.

Over the coming weeks and months.

Unless I don't get a place, in which case, I'll stop talking about it.

Or then you could do Brighton or one of the other marathons.

It's easier to get a spot at.

You want them quite the same.

Yeah, they are.

They're all good.

They're all the same length.

They're all the same length.

That's true, Dave.

Brighton might be very windy, though.

Imagine running into the wind for 13.1 miles.

You could become another.

You could become like a marathon guy who just goes to different marathons in different cities.

My friend Steph does that, listens to this show.

He'll be like, oh, yeah, so I'm doing Milan next week.

And it's quite a nice way to see different places.

I'm so pleased.

It's just, it's so unexpected.

It's, yeah, well done.

I feel like you've told me that you've just bought a guns tank or something.

I'm so

it is that unexpected to me, but I'm very glad.

I feel sad now.

I've had too many chocolate bottles.

Oh, good.

Well, we've got a bit of time.

Just hit me.

I hit the wall.

This is the good prep I've got.

I hit the wall every day.

Yeah.

There's a sort of chocolate.

But you never come through it.

No, I just stay there and sit on the wall.

Yeah, don't have any chocolate before the marathon.

Oh my god.

That would be the worst possible idea.

I need someone holding chocolate at the end of the marathon.

No, you need someone to hold chocolate about three miles from the end.

No, I need a stick attached to my head with chocolate on a string at the end of it.

Yeah.

John's having a big yo.

Oh, do you have any idea how hard it is to eat eat 160 grams of protein a day?

It's it's impossible.

Why are you doing that?

For my training, and what is 160 grams in protein?

I just read that you're meant to eat more of it, but I never think in grams of colours.

I think that would be 20 eggs.

Yeah, don't mind that.

Okay,

20.

It would be

12 protein yogurts.

Okay.

How many chicken breasts?

Don't couldn't tell you.

Probably not as many, but I don't eat meat, which does make it very difficult.

I also think I'm lactose intolerant in later life, which makes it double tricky.

Edomame beans.

Here we go.

Let's get.

I wonder how much it is in Edomami beans.

They're proteins.

They're protein.

Yeah, they're good.

Good.

Quinoa, cannellini beans, butter beans.

You would be

amazed how much you need.

Yeah, so I would need to eat of Edamame beans

1.5 kilos a day.

Like a pounder.

I would just be eating edamame beans constantly throughout the days, and then I would sleep and then I would wake up and eat edamame beans.

Oh my god, that's so funny.

A bag and a half of sugar of edamame beans.

Anyway, it's time for Ellis to make a Cymru connection.

It's another Cymry

No,

come on, mate.

You must do no.

We've never met

at all.

Yes, we've got two emails ahead of this week's Cymry Connection.

Firstly, ahoy hoy, Ellis John, and your nice friend Dave.

Just before the latest round of the Cymry Connection, John posed the question, is there anyone in the world of sport who played their favourite game but wasn't very good at it?

This was an interesting thought, and my mind immediately went to Eddie the Eagle Edwards.

That's what I thought when I listened back.

Like Ellis, Eddie loved his chosen pastime, and like Ellis, he wasn't very good at it.

However, we the listener love the underdog and never give up spirit that both Eddie and Ellis display is infectious.

Keep it up, Ellis.

I believe in you.

Although my confidence is beginning to wobble, if I'm totally honest.

We should add it to the stats.

I reconnected with a jazz singer on Wednesday night.

I can't add that to the stats.

I went to a jazz club.

I went to Crystal Palace Jazz Club.

And at the end, he was telling a story about his life.

And he mentioned North Wales.

And I thought, right, I'll be nabbing him at the end.

And I went up to him and I said, where are you from, Ian?

And he said, Flint.

I said, do you know Ian Rush?

He said, he married my cousin and I sat at the wedding.

Yeah, but everyone knows Ian Rush.

No?

I know Ian Rush.

Yeah, but have you met Ian Rush?

Oh, you you have met Ian Rush.

Well, I've met Ian Rush

twice.

Exactly.

You can't just use famous people.

I've met him twice.

Yeah, I've met him once.

And I passed the ball to him at Flint Football Club and then

he scored and I said that he was an assist.

But I don't think that would count here, would it, Dave?

He's met him twice in a professional.

I've done two long form interviews with him and

I reckon he'd recognize me.

Does Nick Robinson know David Cameron?

Yeah.

yeah no he knows who he is and he's part of his work but he doesn't go around his house for they would definitely

they would definitely stop and speak if they bumped into each other in the streets i think there's enough between rush would not get

rush rush would not get past the the novelli protocol sure yeah you're i agree there i think that's a title it don't know so actually we've got to add another loss to your stats no they don't count if they're not in this room uh next email hey lads long time listener here from wales i listen with pride and hope every week as my countryman Ellis attempts to connect with a fellow Welsh person.

As much as I love Johnny JR,

don't like where this is going tone-wise, I don't always appreciate his criticism of Ellis's approach.

Neither do I.

Well,

as long as Welsh people don't appreciate my criticism, it will continue to be a failed economy.

Every Welshman knows that the source of a Cymru connection always has its roots in where they went to school.

No, it doesn't.

I think Ellis proves this.

I'm gaslit by a nation, Dave.

In the latest episode, Johnson suggested Ellis' hit rate could be compared to the poorest performing sportsman in any field, which caught my ear.

Because everyone knows that Roger Federer's career point win percentage was approximately 54%.

He just won the points that mattered.

So Ellis is just a few connections away from being the Roger Federer of Cum Reconnecting.

Not, could not be further from the truth.

It's not that far from the truth.

I failed with that much.

A person from Tusker Millerwood School in Half to West last week, and then I went to watch the Swans play Oxford, and someone came up to me

in the pub after the game.

They said, you know, Tom Allen knows him, and I know Tom Allen, so I was seconds.

I mean, I've got to hold my hands up there.

I had a Tom Allen blank.

Okay, so I apologise.

And this is on a bleak run of forms.

A self-styled Welsh whisperer has failed to find a connection to our callers six times out of the last seven.

Some are even beginning to question his Welsh credentials.

Last week, his dire patch continued.

I should point out, I don't write this.

No.

So this is me sticking the boot in.

Last week, his dire patch continued when he failed to connect to Tom from Haverford West, where Ellis was born.

That failure brought his connection rate down to a worrying 46%.

He's drifting out of the way.

Which is way off Federer.

That is.

You know, if Federer had lost eight less percent of points, you might not have won anything.

It cemented a hat-trick of failures.

God, the words we need to say,

we need to do it.

Dire failures.

Fails.

Ellis is the worst.

Put him in jail.

It's relegation form.

It is, actually.

Can he redeem himself today?

Can he stop the phrases national embarrassment and I wouldn't have even gone this far.

Who is writing these days?

Bertie's out of day.

Well,

is Bertie on a come down?

I have a caller on the line from Wales.

Hello, Corla.

Hi.

Dave, I left out the phrase stain on Welsh culture.

Okay, Corla, thank you very much for being with us.

You could single-handedly rehabilitate the career of one of Wales's finest children.

You've got 60 seconds on the clock for Elysia.

Connect with you.

Time starts now.

Where'd you go to school?

Bromerthin.

Bromerthin.

Okay.

How old are you?

20.

20.

Sheena Stones, the headmistress.

Oh, yeah.

Well, thank you very much.

She was my headmistress as well.

So there we go.

We are in.

Nothing wrong with that.

What's your name?

Amelia.

Amelia.

Okay, so you've just, are you still...

Do you still live in Camarlon?

No, no, no, in Southampton.

In Southampton, you're at university, are you?

Yes.

Okay, this is this is that was like the quickest ever FA Cup goal.

Yeah, you're not mindful.

And we can't, I mean, that counts.

That was Gundahan against United two years ago.

So let's hear more from our Cymru Connector because I feel that we didn't learn a lot about them.

I feel like there might be more.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, feel free to do a few.

Well, if you're

6'1 up, if you're 20, I'm trying to think of the teachers who are still there.

Laurie Davis, did she teach you drama?

No, she left the year before I got there.

I got my

brothers.

Did you ever go to...

Oh, yeah, Rian Crothers taught me maths, and I was terrible.

And there was nothing she could do about it.

I was just bad at maths.

Where do you live in town?

Nant Caredig.

Oh, lovely.

Do you know

O'Wine and Daniel Evans' farm in Nantgaredic?

I'm trying to think.

No, Owen, yeah.

Yes!

Here we go.

Dave, don't tell Ellis this, but did you sort someone from Ellis's school to kind of give him a bit of a confidence?

Is it all random, Dave?

So why are you making that face you do?

We're not lying.

I'm not.

Ellis, carry on.

Enjoy yourself.

Ignore him.

Ignore him.

It's just a victory lap now.

Yeah.

Isn't it?

What are you doing?

I'll rip you up.

What What are you studying at university, Amelia?

If you're

space engineering,

engineering.

Please, a doodade.

That's what Owen did, like rocket science in Bristol, didn't he?

I think he was

something adjacent to that name.

Space engineer.

So, where are you going to be when you graduate?

I have no clue.

Probably the salesperson.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Let's aim for the stars.

Yeah.

In that case, head of NASA.

A missile engineer.

You want to be a missile engineer?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wow.

Good.

And yeah, for the good of mankind?

Just to make sure the missiles really hit.

Maybe you could design them so they all go in the sea.

Why not?

My dad was

a control engineer for space technology companies.

Ooh, ooh, okay.

Internship, please.

Yeah, I could.

could ask

it would be complicated but um

yeah i can certainly tell you my memories of his experience from when I was a kid and wasn't there.

Does that make sense?

Oh, out of curiosity, Amelia, how long have you been listening to the show?

I've only started recently listening, but my boyfriend and his dad love you guys.

Like, listen all the time.

So is the show big in Brumalvin?

It is, yes.

Yes.

Smiles.

Skumil Aldemeta.

Great.

They're all listening to it.

It gets played in assembly every week.

So it should.

They're all so disappointed on the streak.

All right.

Well, it's not anymore.

This is it.

Even about Amelia's

putting the boot in there.

Apologies.

No, no, don't worry about it.

It's fine.

This is.

I'm just so glad to be back on the horse.

Yes, me too.

Me too.

That fella.

Have you ever been to see me perform stand-up at the lyric?

I didn't get a chance, but I think my mum did.

Amelia is being so nice

in their answers.

I attract the mums, though.

You didn't get the chance, did you, Amelia?

Yeah, you didn't get the chance.

You desperate for that.

Because I attract the mums.

Oh, you attract the mums.

Because I was at the

leisure centre in John Stone, and someone came up to me and said, Clive Selfie, my mum's a big fan.

So I accept that I'm the housewife's favourite.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's different, different.

Dave is the housewife's favourite.

I'm the mum's favourite.

You're the the mum's favourite.

Yeah, yeah.

And what are you the favourite of?

Hmm.

Good question.

Those seeking guidance?

Well, the mum's dream scenario

is while their husband is away at a conference, they want Dave to come round to fix the plaster, and they do it with him.

Then when Dave's gone and they've had a nice, relaxing bath, you come round for a lovely natter.

See the Welsh cake.

Oh, you must.

Do you know Ardwyth?

Because they're, oh, I suppose they're a little bit older than you, aren't they?

The band.

Yeah, no, I don't know them.

Oh, okay.

Not to worry.

Not to worry, because

I've done it.

I've done it.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Well, do you know what I mean?

It's been an absolute pleasure to talk to you.

Oh, thank you.

I'm very glad to know that the show is big in a Scott Gavin Brummerdin.

That means an awful lot.

And the fact you didn't get the chance to see me at the lyric, because you were otherwise engaged, weren't you, Amelia?

She was desperate for tickets.

She queued up all night for tickets to her favourite comedians.

She was the last.

They'd just sold out.

She'd just sold out.

Well, anyway, nice to speak to you, Amelia, and best of luck with your degree.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Bye and bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Well, a much-needed tap-in.

Yeah.

That was nice to see.

It was just so quick.

And I have it on good authority from our production staff.

Truly random.

It was an email that came in organically, so there was no fiddling there at this to try and get your stats up.

I mean, as you heard by the intro, we're desperate to make sure it sounds like you're failing.

He's blissed out to the max, Dave.

He is.

Maybe we need to pan you every week in the scripted intro to that feature.

No, you'll perform.

I don't know.

No, you're an arm around the shoulder.

I am big time an arm around the shoulder.

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Shall we do some correspondence?

Because we did promise on Friday's record that we would carry some over because we didn't get a chance to on Friday's

fun.

Do you have to be as parents, do you have to be careful what you promise to your kids to sort of shut them up?

Because they will never forget.

Isn't it amazing?

They just keep an inventory.

They do two things, kids.

They keep an inventory of everything you've promised and they keep an inventory, a mental inventory

of every single inconsistency and hypocrisy.

And you saying, well, sorry, I've changed my mind.

That's just life is not good enough.

Yeah, but I think, I mean, it is deeper than that though because as a you as a kid you want to trust your parents so if i'm saying to lie that you can go out after tea this is a very core principle of therapy that as a child you have to do everything you can to to preserve the perfection of the parent because if the parent becomes imperfect the whole system collapses yeah which is why children take on board so much trauma themselves because they're they're turning in on themselves to protect the parent who's sort of holy.

Wow.

Yeah.

It's so you have to unravel a lot of that stuff, apart from Ellis, who's fine.

Oh, dear.

Because I am fallible.

Yeah.

My son said to me the other day, he said, Are we late?

And I said, No.

He went, We're not late.

And I said, No.

And he went, Are we going to have to go in the car?

Can we walk?

I said, Yeah, we're walking.

We're fine.

We're on time.

And he went, We're on time.

I said, Yeah.

And he went, like a normal family.

Oh,

oh my god,

but that's a that's oh dear, it's not great,

that's just being late, you're not lying to them, you're just bad with your timekeeping.

There's a difference there, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm fallible, David.

You are fallible, but we're late to a lot of every morning on the way to school, we're rushing, so don't worry, so stressful, yeah, it's a stressful time, cooperate, yeah,

and you'd be like a Wallace and Gromit styled waking up machine.

Oh, my God.

I watch Wallace and Grommet more as like a sort of an idea symposium

than a funny, like animated program that's on at Christmas.

You need a big chute that sort of slides Betty down into her trousers.

Yeah, and to have like toasts sort of fired at her, like jam fired at her toasts.

I'd love that.

Well, listen, we were talking about skiving

last week, and I asked for your skyving emails.

We've had loads in on this.

It shows that the economy of UK PLC is failing.

But actually, the FTSE is doing quite well considering what's happened in America for the last

couple of weeks.

But I've...

If anyone was worried, there'll be more on the money markets next week.

And I find these emails very, very entertaining.

Hello, my darling little pigeons.

It's January 2017.

I've just started a new job where my manager was based in Nottingham and I was based in Bristol.

After maybe the first day or so, she seems to forget I exist.

No emails, no phone calls, no slack messages, nothing.

This being a job in a field I have very little prior experience of, it isn't like I can muddle my way through without her help.

I need her to manage me, to develop me.

Whenever I try to manage upwards, my phone calls go unanswered and unreturned.

My emails, presumably, are mostly ignored.

It might sound nice having nothing to do, and often it is, but not when you're on your own in a grey office building in Lawrence Hill.

Oh, Lawrence Hill!

Oh, I knew a girl in Lawrence Hill, of course.

Yeah, yeah.

Nice part of Bristol.

Nice part of town.

What did she go on to say?

I honestly thought.

It's very near no.

Is it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right.

I honestly thought I might go insane.

I can feel my brain turning into cake.

After maybe three months of an experience a bit like the film Castaway, only with more clothes and fewer volleyballs, I snap and decide to write a novel.

I get around 60 to 70,000 words in.

Good grief.

This is incredible.

Before she hires someone whose job it is to train me, I start having work to do.

Eventually, others join us and it turns into an actual job.

The novel becomes something I need to finish on my own time, which I eventually do.

It is as yet unpublished.

I would love to read that novel.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

None of my colleagues.

If I had the right to stop reading.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're not doing it on Book of the Week.

No.

Yeah, okay.

None of my colleagues ever finds out about my secret.

Shameful novel written largely in my employer's dime.

Not until I tell some of them at my leaving drinks five years longer.

They think it's hilarious.

I suppose it is in a way.

It's also a damning indictment of the worst manager I've ever had.

I look forward to reading John's inevitable boredom-induced novel, written in an Alan panel, G-Sick-induced haze from his bun surgery, sick bed.

Keep up the good work, name-reducted for professional reasons.

That's fantastic.

Do you know what?

It made me think your fantasy was to be that person, but I think most people's fantasy is to have you as as their manager.

Me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'd all be going down.

We'd all get sacked eventually because of the other lot in the Swindon.

But you'd be telling so many sort of slightly adjacent anecdotes.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

People you once met, people you once knew.

Slightly adjacent anecdotes, we all got major dundas.

How people trained for sport in the 50s.

Yes.

No one needs to know, not even modern athletes.

Yeah.

I think I might have told this.

I had a temp job, but I realized I could do all of the work that I needed to do between half past four and five.

So I would just, I read Eric Hoppsbaum's autobiography from nine until 4:30.

Then I would do all the work in a man's sort of 30 minutes and then go home.

Did you?

Yeah.

You have so much guilt, I think.

Yeah, so there was literally nothing for me to do.

So I either worked until half past nine and then read, or I read and then gave myself a little target.

Sometimes I'd start the work at 25 to 5 to see if I could do it in 25 minutes.

During the interview, I only met one person, my future line manager.

The whole thing felt oddly casual, like they were hiring in a hurry.

Still, the salary was right and I had bills to pay, so I accepted the position.

This is like, this is literally the start of two Sherlock Holmes stories.

Yeah.

Where someone gets a position so strangely rushed that they're actually acting as a distraction from something else.

This is unbelievable, this email.

Cut to my first day.

I turned up at head office, suited and booted, only to discover my line manager had left suddenly and under mysterious circumstances.

That is a Sherlock Holmes story.

The department was in free fall, and crucially, no one seemed to know who i was or what i was meant to be doing now a more responsible person might have flagged this with a senior manager i however decided to conduct a little experiment in bureaucratic camouflage what happens if you simply disappear and avoid any direct communication with anyone so i became a ghost I booked meeting rooms in a different office each day of the week and floated between buildings.

People always just assumed I was based somewhere else and no one ever asked questions.

My days

consisted of games on my laptop, TV shows, long lunches in the canteen and the occasional strategic signing of a birthday card or eating a slice of birthday cake if I happened to be in the right place at the right time.

At first I felt like a master grifter.

Then over time I mostly just felt a bit sad and slightly vitamin D deficient.

After 18 months of this catch-me-if-you can style nothingness, I left the job behind.

While it might sound like the dream, it turns out that getting paid to do nothing becomes surprisingly boring when your only colleague is your laptop, yours idly, Darren in Oxford.

I wonder what would have happened if Darren had just stayed at home.

Because they would have always assumed he was just somewhere else.

Yeah.

Yeah, doing meetings, you know, in another city or town or something.

That's incredible.

That's that's such a, that must have happened to people that their first day is their manager's like last.

Yeah.

The person who hired them.

Yeah.

So like nothing's gone through yet.

As long as you're like paperwork has gone through, so you're getting paid.

It is weird.

It's like it is like something from an HG Wells novel, or you know, you're just the invisible man walking around as people assume that you're doing something useful, but actually you're not doing anything at all.

But also, you wouldn't be able to enjoy it.

That's the thing.

It's like if you're on holiday, you think, okay, well, I will watch that TV programme.

I will watch that film because I am on holiday, so I'm allowed to do it.

But he would have been looking over his shoulder.

Yeah, that's what I don't quite like about it I think that's where I'd struggle because I got to know that I can relax to relax yeah yeah yeah

I just but we we've had loads and loads of emails uh in on this so if you've got any more sort of uh

oh this is a good one this is from Chris in Nottingham By the way if you have an email send it to Ellis and John at bbc.co.uk hello my bubbly little bath time buddies on the subject of sky jobs i thought i'd share a glorious period of my life i was 20 years old the job was one day a week, Wednesday, when I didn't have any uni lectures at my older brother's shoe repair shop.

I couldn't repair shoes, so my job was just to take in new shoes and hand out finished ones.

By working in a bowling alley.

Yeah.

What did that mean?

Well, from nine to five, that one day a week I sat in the back watching the American office on my laptop, occasionally napping and eating chocolate animal biscuits that were perpetually on offer at the nearby co-op.

I was supposed to clean, but I never did.

Happy days, Chris in Nottingham.

That's slightly, I can get that on board with that one a bit more.

Because he hasn't got anything to do, but he's not pulling the wool over anyone's eyes.

And it's his brother's shop.

So I think that's sort of fine.

This one.

This is a lovely...

Well, talking of marathons, Dave, it's a lovely email from Amy.

Amy says, I just wanted to reach out and say a big thank you.

A few Sundays ago, I ran the London Marathon.

Round of applause for Amy, please, everyone.

It was my first ever marathon, and it didn't quite go to plan.

Just like when I trained for my half in October, I listened to the the podcast throughout, and everything was looking really positive.

Unfortunately, four miles into the marathon, I started to feel quite ill.

While the support from all the spectators was amazing, when you were already feeling ill, being hit with a wall of noise makes it feel a bit worse.

I can imagine that you suddenly just want to be in a room on your own

and you're in a group of 56,000 people with probably the same amount of people watching and cheering you.

God, imagine if you got diarrhea and everyone started cheering.

so i popped my headphones in and started to listen to you guys come on ellis you can do it mate imagine that i

thank you

i instantly felt better stop looking please i don't want to become a meme

i instantly felt better and you got me through to mile 11 without any incidents god that's lots of miles well that's already further than i've ever run amy and ellis yep at mile 12 the heat stroke really started to hit and i began to throw up it was hot.

Still, I plodded on until mile 20.

Wowie, completely throwing out the original plan for a five-hour finish and just focus on finishing.

Amy, every marathon runner should have their number one priority is just finish.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Doesn't matter what time, doesn't matter if you're running or not.

And obviously, if you can't finish, don't make yourself ill finishing.

With you keeping me company, I made the decision to walk the final 10K as I was no longer able to run.

I crossed the finish line after 7 hours, 21 minutes, and 47 seconds.

As you can see from the photo, it was all a bit emotional.

Without your podcast keeping me distracted and laughing during a really difficult time, I don't think I'd have been able to do it.

So, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you.

I will be sticking to half marathons for now, and will of course be bringing you guys along for my training for the Valencia half marathon later in the year.

Live into Valencia, lovely souls.

Would love to know more of that.

Oh, and we've got the photo of you there that you sent, and it does look like a very emotional moment.

But you look pretty healthy, considering you've just run 26-point whatever it is, marathon miles.

26-point, whatever it is, marathon miles.

22 of them.

Running for Save the Rhinos.

Was it 26.2?

Running for Save the Rhino.

Oh, great.

Good Amy.

You wouldn't want a Rhino running the marathon.

You do see them.

They look dressed as Rhinos, obviously, not actual rhinos.

But clearly something was wrong there for Amy, because

if you've trained as hard as Amy would have done and you're feeling sick at four miles, something's just not right.

That's not just you not having a good day at running, that's something your body doing something differently that day.

So you just can't beat yourself up about it.

Yeah, and like, I guess if you're

even if you're like an elite athlete, you just turn up and something's not quite right.

It could be something you ate, could be not sleeping quite well.

They've got to peak for the big races.

It's actually quite hard to peak.

And if you're not at your absolute peak, you're not going to be good enough because they're all amazing at that level.

Yeah.

So getting your so they, that's why they work in these training cycles because you can't just be perfectly ready for the Olympics all the time because you just you couldn't sustain it.

Well, that's the quite reassuring thing.

I think it's Gary Lineker said about football, is no one is ever playing 100% football.

No, no, no, no.

They're always carrying knocks, all of them.

That we had a really nice email about car paint mishaps.

Yes.

This is from Adrian in Munich, originally from Cardiff.

Dear ladies and gentlemen DJs,

big fan of that.

Ellis's anecdote about his paint mishap reminded me of a very similar episode of my brother's first flat here in Munich.

He was planning to paint the new flat with his flatmate, and after a successful trip to the local DIY shop, they were on their way home for a lad's weekend of DIY in their first shared apartment.

They had procured painting equipment, two 20-litre tubs of white paint, and a crate of Augustina beer.

That's the lovely Robin's favourite beer.

It's got a monk on the front.

Whilst driving along the dual carriageway, some questionable driving decisions led to a sudden full-on brake slam,

which was followed by the sound of shattering glass and swearing.

Everything okay back there?

asked the concerned driver.

Just drive, came the quiet reply.

How bad is it?

The panic rising in his voice.

Just keep driving.

On pulling up outside the apartment, beer, 40 litres of paint and shards of glass, started flowing out of the car and onto the road outside their flat.

The brand new Hyundai, which had been borrowed from a dealership belonging to a family friend, needed new interior upholstery and new airbags.

Fun times for all.

They followed this up by getting a professional painter to paint their kitchen instead.

Good decision.

But in a moment of creative inspiration, they decided to go with a yellow tone that turned out to be neon highlight marker pen yellow once it was on the wall.

Stabello boss.

Thanks for all the laugh.

Adrian.

Oh, wow, Adrian.

Very, very good.

I that's worse than my one.

Yeah.

40 liters in a car you've borrowed from a dealership.

Also, Matt Fitzpatrick, thanks for getting in touch.

Because you know, I said that Velociraptors were basically the earliest pirate, Dave.

Turns out I'm a little bit cleverer than you might even imagine.

Really?

What?

Because Matt says that Velociraptor is a portmanteau of two Latin words, velox, meaning swift, and raptor, meaning robber or plunderer.

So in many ways, they were nature's first pirate.

God.

Slimey.

What a win

again.

Yeah.

You didn't, you said dinosaurs.

But it's close, is it?

Dinosaur days.

Yeah, Velociraptor.

Two Latin words, dino, meaning ships on the sea, and saw, meaning our

dies.

So yes, there we go.

Well, um,

no made-up game, no Shanewell.

It's chat-heavy, feature-light.

It's broadcasting better for a better built Britain.

I can't believe you're going to run a Marathon.

Well, I don't know whether I'll complete it.

No, but I can't believe it's on your agenda.

It is my agenda.

It is your agenda.

In his Google Cal.

It is in the Google Cal.

Is it?

And I've already forked out for an Airbnb.

And I thought that was an odd move for you.

What, in London?

Yeah, by the start line.

Oh.

Have you got a cancellation policy on that?

Nope.

That's a madness.

I got it for three nights.

Why have you done that?

Yeah.

John says to me, can you get me into the marathon?

I said, I'll try.

And then I got an email back, which clearly said it might happen, but just give us a bit.

I get a text back the next day, Dave, I've put myself into a hotel for three nights.

It's just so not you to not have everything in place before you then do that sort of thing.

No, it is me to have the hotel in place.

But before you even know you're going to be able to do the marathon.

Dave, if they don't give me a place, I will just break into the marathon.

Just some people run it, the people who don't get in, run it the night before overnight, reverse route.

You could just run around your hotel room.

You could just run up and down the stairs.

Yeah, make the most of it.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You could just do it the night before.

I don't want to do that.

But also

in the leader, we can get famous marathon runners on to coach John to discuss his taper.

Yeah, and if we can clip all these bits up and send them to your contacts at the BBC, Dave, it's not going to do us any harm.

Yeah, but we don't want to sound damn.

But also,

when he crosses the finishing line,

surely that's a candidate for moment of the year at the Arias.

A lot of people do do the marathon.

Yeah, but you know, with

your backstory.

I think in London marathon terms,

my story

is actually pretty positive.

Yeah.

Vape a lot, spend a lot of time at home.

My coach has mentioned mentioned vaping to me.

No way.

As I vaped throughout our first strategy meeting.

You are kidding me.

Yeah.

God, they've lost their mind, these trainers, haven't they?

They won't let you do anything.

It's not unrealistic, though.

That would be my Everest.

I've had nicotine in my body since I was 13 and a half.

Like, the only time I'm not is when I'm asleep.

Yeah.

Even then, sometimes I wake up and vape in the middle of the night.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, a quick fix.

But imagine how fast you'd be if you weren't vaping.

Because that's what you want from your life partner, isn't it?

Just to be woken up in bed by the sound of

and a light from an L C D display was just

glowing on their face.

Everyone else has got two in the morning.

Everyone else has got a snoring.

You go, oh God, was I vaping again?

You were able to nudge you in the back.

But, you know, sort of a lot of the

great

19th century novelists, they were all smoking laudanum and stuff like that.

Oh, yeah, and they all died of consumption.

Yeah.

You haven't had that yet?

No.

And I guess please find some runners in the 30s that smoked, will you?

Oh, there'd be lords.

Good.

That can be your research for next week.

Okay, thanks.

Ellis's five most successful sports people that have smoked.

Johan Cruyff.

Eric Cantenar.

Yeah.

Johan Cruyff.

arguably the most important person in the history of football.

Really?

Well, he was an amazing player.

And also, then he went on to become an amazing manager.

But why is he more important than Pele?

Oh, different podcasts.

As a manager, as a manager as well.

Pele didn't begin modern Barcelona.

No, he didn't, did he?

He, you know, he did some nice adverts.

He did fair play.

That's what I do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right, everyone.

Well, we will see you, Dave.

What are you, what you got?

I'm going to work it out.

I'm going to use my memory to remember because we would like to hear your wise Japanese voices if, and I've got to emphasize this enough, if the person doing them is from Japan.

This is for

the UNESCO World Heritage accents.

So we do on the Friday show.

We do on the Friday show.

And we need wise Japanese people, but it can't be someone from Daganem doing a voice.

No, unless they are of Japanese origin.

And it's English speaking.

wise Japanese people.

Oh, I don't mind actually, Dave.

I think it needs to be, does it not?

How do we know they're wise?

Well, what would be the best Japanese voice to hear a haiku in?

Or someone talking about drops of water somehow?

That's what I'm looking for.

Yeah, okay.

And someone from Sunderland.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Who can also talk about drops of water?

Yeah.

And pretty weighs myself, actually.

Yeah.

That's fine to do.

That's all.

It is, yeah.

I know it is.

You can't step in the same river twice.

I tried it once, both my feet got dead wet.

I had to get and change my socks and go home.

And mom was right banging, she was

that kind of thing.

Yeah, anyway, yeah, do send in your suggestions.

Yeah, send them to Erisjohnbbc.co.uk.

You can always send us a WhatsApp and 07974-293022.

But thank you very much for downloading.

We'll be back with you next week.

Goodbye.

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