#435 - Orcs & All, Cannellini Alley and ‘Wisdom, Bit of Sadness, Go Home’

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BBC Sounds, music, radio, podcasts.

Hello, everyone.

Welcome to the Ellis James and John Robbins podcast.

Yeah, that's it from me.

I love your t-shirt.

Oh, yes, of course.

Debut, it's a debut t-shirt.

Do you know what's funny about you wearing that t-shirt?

I'm so used to you wearing old t-shirts when you wear a new one that hasn't showing any signs of wear and tear.

You look a million dollars, John.

Yes, well, also, it's very fashionable because it's a large because they didn't have any mediums left.

It's very old, but it's unworn, because it's rare, old Bonnie Prince Billy merch.

Oh, so it's just been in a pocket for 10 years or something.

Yes, which I had to contact his merch supervisor about personally and then pay import duty on, as discussed in John Wynns.

John Wynns again.

But it's probably the best t-shirt in the world.

And I feel a billion dollars.

Lovely colours.

It wouldn't go that far.

I would certainly say low millions.

Yeah, low millions.

And it's baggy.

You sue a bit of a baggy tea.

Do I dare?

Yeah, you do.

God, you should have seen me in the 90s.

Why?

Because things were baggy back then.

My t-shirts in the 90s were massive.

I used to wear extra large shirts.

So did I.

And I was pencil thin.

And also, I was a child.

I've got a Welsh football training top that I bought probably when I was 11.

And it's a large men's and it's too big for me now when I'm 44 but that was the fashion day that's the daft fashion we were going through because we were looking for a picture of me wearing a pasta colander on my head naturally

and we I think I might have already said this but we went we must have spent me my mum and my dad because I popped round she had I'd say 600 photos strewn on the floor.

Oh, wow.

And what a trip down memory lane.

Yeah.

There were tears, but there was also some lovely, happy memories.

There were lots of photos of me.

My mum's photos.

No, no, no, no, no.

My mum does have around the same number of my middle sister by my little sister, Nia, who I know is listening.

My parents had lost interest.

There's maybe three photos of Nia.

I got because she's the unrecorded child.

I got all of my photos from my mum's house.

So it must be 40 of those.

You remember the old sort of like card things you used to get from boots?

Oh, yeah.

40 packs, so what's 40 times 26?

A lot.

Yeah.

And, well, it's 800, isn't it?

Over about 1,000 photos.

And...

1,000.

And I had already been through them to make two photo albums worth, but I hadn't looked at them for about 15 years.

One good one.

Out of all of them.

Really?

What do you mean by good ones?

Like one that you would actually look at and say, that's a good picture.

So what was wrong with the rest of them?

Just blurry.

Just like weird angles, bad faces, irrelevant pictures.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, you know how on your phone, if if you scrolled through someone's phone you'd find like 40 pictures of the same sunset yes imagine that but you've paid a tenner and they're all bad and do you remember this there was a brief period where film cameras could do like different sizes could they so you'd get those wide sort of camera

so i've got like 18 photos of the same sunset in one size and then i've gone well i need to try this in panorama for six yeah

and that's so wasted.

It was terrible that, Dave.

It's, but it's like

smartphones allow you to take too many photos, right?

So I went to watch the Swans play Oxford United last game this season.

And on the big screen by the ticket office, it said, Swans UC welcomes new investor Luca Modric to the club, Chrysler Luca.

And I took a photo of that.

Why?

I'll never look at it again.

Yeah.

First of all.

I'm not going to do anything with it.

When I went to...

I don't know if I've ever really talked about my time in Southeast Asia, guys.

Wow, yeah,

it was different.

It was a different time.

I was a different time.

Yeah, yeah.

Unto man.

When did you go to Southeast Asia?

Have you read The Beach, Div?

Yeah, have you read The Beach, Dave?

Were you on the beach?

Were we the fishermen?

It was around about the time of the beach.

I would have gone to Southeast Asia in 201, 20001, as we called it back then.

No one did.

20001.

Yeah, trekked through Sumatra, actually,

come to think of it.

And spent some time in Malaysia in many ways.

In many ways.

I've never heard the Gap here persona before.

This is good.

I like it.

Yeah, okay.

Where to start?

Where to start?

So you've been spiritual for 24 years, John.

Before that, you were just from Thornbury.

Have you ever seen a batik of the crucifixion, Dave?

No.

Okay, well, you should see my batik of the crucifixion.

Have I told this story before?

No.

What's a batik?

I've never heard the word batik before.

So when we see it from French cricket,

no,

when we were on the Parinthian Islands, which are between Thailand and Malaysia, I think.

Oh, yeah.

Is that when you got a sunstroke and stopped being a laugh for the rest of your life?

Yes, it is actually.

So I got sunstroke on the Parinthian Islands.

Stopped being a laugh.

That was the main side effect.

And

there was this batik activity you could do where you use batik.

You said it again.

You said it again.

A big bit of cloth, a big bit of cloth, like A2 size.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You use wax to sort of draw outlines and then you use dye to fill in the sort of holes in the wax.

Yeah.

Oh, yes.

I did this at school.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

So everyone's doing

like turtles, waves.

You did Brian May or Freddie Mercury.

No, no, no.

I did the crucifixion.

Because I'd been, I was doing old English.

And the other two were Brian May and Freddie Mercury on the cross.

I was doing old English at uni at the time and I'd been reading The Dream of the Rude,

which is a poem about a sort of hallucination slash vision of the cross.

Oh, yeah.

Did you make any friends on this on it?

No, they were so disturbed.

And then I got back to uni and I hung it on my bedroom wall.

So if you'd come into my room in 2002 at uni, you would have seen a Velvet Underground poster, a Mogwai poster, a Koyana Skatzi poster, and a batik of the crucifixion with jewelled adornments and blood and blood soaking into Golgotha, the mountain of skulls.

Nice.

Yeah.

Well, my friend went...

And I smoked a pipe.

I thought you'd never done drugs.

I smoked a tobacco pipe, Dave, like Tolkien, not a dube face.

A crack pipe.

I'm gonna see if I've got a photo of it for you.

My friend went traveling to Australia in that year, like sort of 2000, 2001, and she met a very, very, very intense American man who was the first person she'd ever met who had his own website.

And if he was ever doodling, he was only ever doodling very, very intricate maps of the world.

Quite a strange character.

And we made fun of him for about three years.

John was that guy.

He was the one that people would meet on their gap years and be like, batik man.

he was the he was the batik crucifixion man yeah

crikey moses i'm just looking i've got some photos of me at uni on my phone i'm not sure i've got one of the shall i bring it in we can put it up

yeah we can put it up in the studio

adrian child would wouldn't do you to any harm to have a bit of god-fearing attitude on your podcasting a reminder of the sacrifice oh i've got a photo of the i've got robin smoking a pipe under the koi on a scatsy poster Is he actually smoking it?

Yeah.

Isn't it difficult to smoke a pipe?

My friend gave pipe smoking a go.

Isn't it quite hard to draw a pipe?

It's very, well...

It's actually quite unpleasant.

Ask Magritte.

Hmm?

What?

Oh, right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good.

Good radio bell, Dave.

I can't press it.

No, I, no.

In good conscience, I can't press the radio bell for that.

But I like, I admire it.

It is.

It's one of those jokes I admire.

Yeah.

It is actually quite hard to smoke a pipe, and it's very hard to keep it going.

Yes, it's a very small thing.

And you sort of have to break them in.

There's a photo of me smoking a pipe, and if you scroll right,

Robin is the next person smoking a pipe.

This is my room.

How does this work on radio?

Well, it's going straight on the carousel, mate.

Oh, on the old carousel.

Have to ask.

Ask Robin's permission.

Wow, Zers.

You look a little bit thuggish back in the day.

Yeah, I look like I'm really, really troubled, and I'm going to take it out on on you.

Yeah, because something's never changed.

Something's never changed.

Yes, we should batik on the podcast.

Oh, we should, Dave.

Because what would we do?

That'll be a treat for the listeners.

I'd do the crucifixion again.

Yeah.

Are they videos?

No, they're pic.

What do you mean?

In the background, there.

They look like video, VHS videos.

No, those are the books I always took with me to uni, and three of them are the like Karma Sutra.

No.

The uh the tolkin's estate released a 12 volume accompaniment to middle-earth oh yeah and those are the ones that cover the time scale of the lord of the rings i've never read them why did i take them every year to uni that's nine terms i carted them to and from uni to impress women i

well this is the thing

from aurogs

I think that's probably why I did.

Oh, good grief.

What was I just thinking?

What could I possibly have meant by that?

You're intelligent.

You're sensitive.

Dave was out of my mind.

I'm out of my mind on pipe smoking.

Good grief.

What are you doing with your life, John?

Now or then?

Either.

Either.

Now, now I, you know, more chilled out.

I wouldn't bring my Tolkien books into the studio every week to show off to girls.

No, no.

No, no.

No, that is true.

No, that is true.

Imagine putting so much energy into completely the wrong thing just dress nicely and be polite yeah and work hard in your degree yeah

anyway sorry girls were tricky at uni though weren't they i remember one girl said she might be coming around later that i think the following day i spent about 12 hours cleaning my bedroom and cleaning my room oh yeah yeah yeah and then she'd just text saying i can't make it i was like great at least you had a nice tidy bed it was great no it was lovely but it was just the efforts that you went like john's books like i was cleaning a room for half a day.

But at least you were cleaning your room.

Imagine if you'd spent 12 hours drawing a mural of like orthank on the wall or Mount Doom.

It's the wrong thing.

It's the wrong thing.

Cleaning is the right thing because, at least, at the end of the day, you've got a clean room.

Yeah, you've got a lovely picture, but a soiled bed.

There's no soiling in the bed most of the time.

Oh, lordy lorks.

Lorks and orcs.

Oh, yeah.

Orcs and all.

That's what you get with with me.

Orcs and all.

That's the name of your autobiography, Orcs and All.

But I'm not even that into Orcs.

That's the thing.

Were you?

Not really.

I liked the book, The Lord of the Rings.

I don't know.

I like the idea of being in, I like the idea of living in Middle-earth, I think.

Right.

I just never wanted to be where I was.

Yeah.

I understand that.

Yeah.

I just wanted to live nowhere.

There's a brilliant book called Milton Keynes.

Called Waking Up in Toy Town.

You'd like

that.

The John Burnside

memoir, and he just describes this fantasy of living nowhere in the most anonymous part of the most anonymous country of the most anonymous life where it's almost so normal.

You can enjoy our gig at the Wyvern Theatre Swindon, John.

Swindon is not nowhere.

Swindon is somewhere.

Swindon is somewhere.

And it's got access to 8,000 vape shops.

It's the most heavily pedestrianized collection of vape shops you'll ever come across in your life.

Yeah.

No disrespect to Swindon, because it's technically near the southwest, so I have something of a kinship with it.

Yes, yes, yes.

And do you want to put your phone on silent, John?

It is on silent, Dave.

I heard something, did I not?

Or was it just a vibrate?

This is when this happens, this is what makes me think someone has hacked into my phone.

Because how has that happened?

Because it made a noise, didn't it?

It did.

So it wasn't on.

Oh, is it my charger that doesn't doesn't exist?

Oh, yeah.

No, but it was because I got an Instagram notification.

Oh, God.

No one's hacked in the chat.

Do you know who a genre might?

Someone's got a

most professional broadcaster that there ever was.

What?

What?

Imagine explaining to Wogan a wireless power bank charger.

I think he'd get it.

Yeah, he probably would.

I mean,

you're not explaining it to Joan of Arc, you?

No.

I reckon Wogan will be like, oh, wow, did they do those now?

Yeah, Wogan probably had the iPhone behind the one I've got.

Exactly.

Yeah.

But Wogan would have never had the iPhone in the radio studio.

No, of course not.

He'd have kept it well out.

And Wogan would never have ended his shows by saying, is that enough?

Can we vape now?

We should do it on Agent 2, the nation's most beloved broadcaster.

And I think that's your lot.

Yeah.

Great.

So we're batiking next week, are we?

Yeah, if you think that works on podcasts.

I'll get the wax.

Or is this just a carousel preparation recording these days?

Is it hard?

We can't ever let the tail wag the dog.

That's true.

As I always say.

So if we were to do it, we would need to figure out a way of it working.

Maybe

I've never batiqued.

Maybe Rachel

commentates.

Could we not

stream it on iPlayer?

It's quite messy.

Is it?

I tell you who would like it.

Betty and Steph.

Okay, so

10 and 6.

Yeah, they would love boutiquing.

Okay.

Well, can we not stream on YouTube, Dave?

Live?

Maybe we could charge for it.

Just do it in our own time.

Yeah.

I mean, of all the things for us to launch our YouTube channel with.

Can we do it on Twitch?

What's Twitch?

You have to ask Limmy.

Limit.

I'd love to ask Limit.

Can we find out what Twitch is and then do it on Twitch?

Well, Twitch is more gaming, I think, isn't it?

Boutique is a sort of ancient game.

From what I understand.

Twitch is you talk in your bedroom and you get a million pounds a year.

Yeah.

Which actually, I'm one step away from my perfect job because this is my perfect job, but I do have to leave my house.

Yeah.

So Twitch perhaps is squaring the circle.

I think you're going to get depressed.

A lot more so.

Yeah, yes.

I think you'd need an excuse to leave the house.

I think you should be Twitching from a central London location.

I like going to Tesco.

Twitching from Tesco?

I could Twitch on my way to Tesco.

I could do running commentary on the New Deals and they've moved the mushrooms.

You've got to, you've got to give it to them, Dave.

I walked in the other day.

I'm heading over to the radish aisle.

And I know what order it goes in, you know.

It goes beetroot, celery, radish.

Steaks on the end.

Avocado.

Yeah.

Oh, there's a new sheriff in town.

And he's wearing a 10-gallon mushroom hat.

they've moved the mushrooms to where the avocados were and i said in my head i said you honestly think i'm falling for that do you know who i am where are the avis now oh the avbys have gone where the tender stem was so it's just it's all been chucked up into the air all it is and it must be such a pain if you're an employee of a supermarket all it is is designed to make you go to parts of the store you don't usually go to so you're going to buy products you don't usually go to yeah yeah yeah to walk so since to walk down canalini Bean Alley.

To walk down Cannellini Bean Alley.

And imagine, like, if you're working nine to five or whatever in a supermarket, being told, oh, we've just got to rearrange the store every three months

for no reason.

Because we're trying to make people who might not have been there before amble down Dill Avenue.

Yeah.

Because we think we can get more Dill out of our customer base.

Yeah.

Anyway, so that's just my gripe of the week.

Okay.

But then, you know, it's nice to change is as good as a thing.

What's that phrase?

Change is as good as a holiday.

Change is as good as a holiday.

So I went on a holiday.

I did go on holiday because I went to Margate with my friends and I've now been to Margate so I can speak to Margate's

charm.

Charm.

I really like it.

I would describe Margate's charm and threat.

Oh, I don't know about that.

Oh, yeah.

Is it?

Oh, yeah.

I've taken my kids to market.

Do you know, the biggest threat I got from in market was seagulls eating my chips.

Oh, yes, there's a lot of that about hard seagulls.

On Margate Sands, I can connect nothing with nothing, Dave.

So what does that mean?

That's from the wasteland.

Oh, is it?

And I went to the shelter it was written in or thought of by T.S.

Eliot.

How long is The Wasteland?

Because you do talk about it.

I feel like I should just read it at this point.

How long am I going to have to say?

Oh, it's an absolute whopper, Dave.

No, it's a long poem, but it's a very short novel.

Yeah.

It's like the same length as a long read article about Kevin De Bruyne.

Oh.

But with quite a few different reference points.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So they might not mention his slightly disappointing time at Chelsea in the wasteland.

Yes.

But so T.S.

Elliott had a nervous breakdown and went to Margate to recover.

It's done it again, Dave.

Turn it off, mate.

But it's done it again, but it's on silent, mate.

Is it?

What's happening?

Oh, God, someone's downloaded a big picture of my Willie or something, and they're going to put it on the news, Dave.

I hate it.

I hate that.

I just want to turn everything off and delete everything.

Yeah.

You don't mean that, though, John.

You do say that a lot, but you're popping up on the Insta stories.

L right, L R and C.

What?

L right, L R and C.

Maybe it's a charging thing because it's wireless charging.

Why don't we give John a week off the radio show?

I would love that.

And then he can switch off his life.

And then you can leave your phone in a safe

so no one's hassling you on social media or whatever.

I don't mean hassle.

But you know what I mean.

But people can get into that.

I have had 70 notifications from people that the Pope plays Wordle.

Why is that not me?

That's your blumming laptop because that was a laptop sound I just got.

That's not me.

I just heard

a diddle-a-dun sound sound.

It's your bloody phone, Dave.

It's not John Locke.

Nothing I own goes diddle-adun.

No, it might have been my phone.

Yeah, okay.

Oh, it might have been my phone the whole time.

It was your phone.

I knew that.

I knew that wasn't me.

Oh, my God.

You're going to make him paranoid.

Because he's right next to your phone.

Do you know what, John?

Sorry.

I feel really bad.

That's very kind of you to say, dear.

And

I accept your apology um with caveats yeah yeah

because that's what a friend that's what a good friend does

um sorry what were we talking about

uh turning everything off and deleting everything yes looking forward to that i'm gonna walk around the world

giving you a rest from yourself

well the problem is the more you turn off the less rest you get from yourself because i wouldn't be able to play boggle with josie for a start and that's a nice pretty much all i've got at the minute she stayed at our house this week yes and we boggled while she was at your house yes and she would like me to use this platform to explain that even though you are beating her at boggle.

I know what you're about to say.

She has two young children and a very busy life.

Yes, that's true.

She's not concentrating on her boggle in the way that you are able to concentrate on your boggle.

And she thinks that you using this platform to talk about how much better than Josie you are at boggle is unfair.

Okay, so

may I now take the stand?

Yes, one then.

Spokesperson, Alice.

So, firstly,

once you step onto the boggle court, right,

no matter how busy your life is or responsibilities, stresses and strains you have,

it's not my fault you don't train as much as I do, right?

Yeah.

Do you lose sick snill at home and go, oh, sorry, we had a lot on in the week?

No.

The manager has to take responsibility.

Okay.

Secondly, I've not used this platform to say I'm better at boggle than her.

I've simply stated the facts with scores on the door.

with vigour.

Just the same thing.

With some vigour, Dave?

Does not the cider maker

take joy in the autumn harvest?

Does not the road worker Dave view freshly laid tarmac with a grin?

Are we not allowed to take joy in our hobbies and our work?

Yeah.

Because

every week I skip out of this studio and I think.

Batter Julie at Boggle.

Yeah.

The road worker isn't saying, I'm battering that tarmac.

Yeah, absolutely.

There is target.

Yes, but we did boggle while Josie Gilles.

I'll give this to Josie.

She is better at finding longer, complicated words.

Okay.

But what I thought you were going to say.

She's a flare player.

Well, we had this argument because she was trying to claim she was the Ronnie O'Sullivan of the boggle world.

And I was, quote another snooker guy okay whereas I was saying no in this in the sake of this metaphor I am both Stephen Hendry and Ronnie O'Sullivan

and I was trying to persuade her she was Sean Murphy she wasn't having any of that

anyway she was so quiet

that's why she went so great so when does she get to leave this game is she in forever now she's in forever now I've suggested first to 10 I've suggested first to 50 I've suggested first to 100 no it's infinite infinite boggle it's infinite but she's gonna cut

unless i have some complete collapse unless someone steals your phone and starts to play for you if someone stole my phone i would

what would i do i'd dig a big hole and i just wouldn't stop digging until i was at the bottom of it i think you'd love it i would hate I would be so stressed for the rest of my life that somehow was someone was somehow me.

Yeah, but you've got a password on your phone, have you any passcode?

Yeah, but what if they look at the fingerprints on my screen and narrow it down?

That's what they do.

No, but also, I'm not going to lose my phone because I've never lost my phone.

Because you've never lost anything.

Never lost anything.

Though I did remember the other day, I lost my iPod Classic at Radio X.

Chalk it up.

Yeah, Margate's lovely.

By the sea, a lot of wind knocking around.

Yeah.

Stayed in a beautiful house.

10 beds.

Quirkiest house I've ever stayed in.

A lot of the bedrooms had toilets in the bedrooms.

Jesus en suites, you mean?

No,

just in the bedrooms.

Oh, right.

Oh, right.

Hmm.

So you've got to know your partner more than you want to know your partner.

It's a nice atmosphere, I bet.

But it was in a sort of charming way, as opposed to a sort of

grim way.

Yeah, it was odd.

Yeah, of course you would.

There were other toilets that weren't in bedrooms.

But the upside was more toilets and showers than I've ever seen in a private home.

Great.

Pretty much every room.

And

we

walked along the coast and we had fish and chippies.

As the sun set

and friends of the show, Lou and Rosheen, were there.

Lovely.

Popped along to say hello and gobble down some chippies.

And then I had, I think, a total of four and a half hours worth of naps.

And you're 43 now, you see.

43.

You're slapping in the middle of the nap age.

I'm in the middle of the nap age here.

No.

You don't have to hold anything back because some of this can be saved for John wins again, which we're doing next week.

Oh, of course.

Next week.

Okay, you're all good.

So feel free to talk about John.

Your PB?

You're going to talk about your PB?

I'm amazed that you haven't already.

Most weeves in different toilets in a private dwelling.

Most naps in 12 hours.

Yes.

The Papa Bravo dude.

I was going to hide my light under a bushel.

No, you would.

But seeing as now we're all around the bushel and saying it's very dark,

I'll remove the light.

Yes, May have set a PB in the park run, of course.

Do you know what you got?

What?

I don't want to steal your thunder.

Well, Dave, I am going to cede to your

better running knowledge

because

I got a PB in the 5K and I got a PB in the park run because the park run, I didn't know this, isn't actually 5K.

The Margate park run is 5.12k.

Ah, so you're not 120 meters.

Yeah, but I didn't know that, so I didn't stop my watch at 5k.

When do you stop your watch?

End of the park run, end of the 5k?

I mean, you can also edit it within the watch.

I know you can trim the end, which I just do, Dave.

So 5k PB was 25.01.

Nice one.

How's that?

Park run PB was 2530.

Because of the X 120 meters.

Well, also, I was sort of dawdling around a bit afterwards before I pressed off on my watch, but that's okay.

But 25 mins on five

minutes is nippy.

Yeah, that's lovely.

And I went off too quick because it immediately funnels into a small path where someone, someone cut me up pushing a buggy.

What?

I know.

On a park run?

Yeah, running buggy.

One of those guys.

And there was a baby in the buggy.

Yeah.

That shouldn't be allowed.

Well, it is allowed.

And you've got to keep your dogs on a short leash.

That should be a lot.

Hold on.

My park runs.

Don't let any of this happen.

Park run are very, to an extent actually, inclusive or try their best to be

old.

But dog, I think they had so many injuries from people tripping over long dog leads.

Yeah.

And

there was something said in the warm-up chat about buggies keeping to the left or something, but this guy.

Absolutely did me with a buggy.

He beat me.

He was obviously a better runner, but I think, come on.

Yeah.

You know, maybe I'll do it with a trolley, with a trolley full of shopping next time.

Like rag week.

But yeah, it was nice.

It was very good.

Nice.

I went off too fast, though.

Yeah.

4.39 opening K, Dave.

I mean, come on.

What are we talking?

What are we talking about?

Too fast.

Yeah, it's too fast.

And then I slowed down and got a stitch and a pain in my knee, and then I got fast again.

Brilliant.

Great.

Good.

So you can get under 25.

Oh, yeah.

Well, 25 or 1.

Surely you can.

I can shave off 1.1 seconds.

Yes, you've got that in the locker.

Do you reckon they'll start timing the park run in hundredths of a second?

Could help me out.

No.

Like Formula One.

Oh, that's great.

I'm very impressed with that.

Well done.

Thank you.

And it's all looking at Robins again.

And we had donuts.

And I had a double chip day, actually.

Chips for lunch, chips for dinner.

Okay.

Because you've got a carb load now that you're doing one park run a week.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Every two or three weeks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, yeah, it's about sort of 24 days of carb loading for the big

25 minutes.

Did you feel loved and valued?

Oh, by my friends, 100%.

Brilliant.

Well, I received a package that was so moving that I missed a Zoom,

an important Zoom recording.

Okay.

Because I was just walking around the house being moved.

Okay.

Because my agent for my birthday bought me an original painting from one of my favourite artists who's a big fan of the show, Faye Eleanor Woods

and she's a Scottish artist who has had we've been on in the background of some of her insta reels before how she's painting yeah you can know us

yeah yeah yeah um

but uh yeah they bought me a painting i think it's because they feel a bit bad about getting me whiskey glasses for christmas two years ago oh yeah

I don't think the PA had been briefed.

No.

What a lovely gift.

Yes.

But you missed an entire Zoom meeting because you were moved.

Because I was walking around the house.

Can you imagine if I'd done that?

He would not have, I would not have been able to do it.

I can only imagine one of those two things happening to you.

What missing a zoom meeting?

Yes, not being on moving.

Well, you should have seen me when I read Goodfella, the Craig Bellamy story.

Um,

uh, do you want to see the picky

that the painter?

It's me.

Oh, yes, you got that incredible hulk.

Thanks, Dick.

The incredible hunk.

Oh, yes.

In my pajamas.

Yeah.

Did you get any big backs?

Yes.

Got the birthday backs from Ellis.

Good.

I mean, he was just win after

me.

There's so many wins.

I did that on the way to do Sunday Brunch.

Did you?

Yeah.

I boxed you on the way to do Sunday Brunch.

Did you get the podcast mentioned on Sunday Brunch?

Yes, I did.

Good.

I mentioned him on Sunday Brunch.

Did you?

What did you say?

I just said John.

No, no, no.

They talked about the tour.

Did they?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So they put up an image with all the tour dates and stuff.

Oh, that's brilliant.

Yeah.

Smart looks like it's a big show.

It was my I got my fit I got I got the silver mug because I'd been on Sunday brunch five times.

Really?

Yeah, and I got to meet the lead singer, Blink182.

No!

Hilarious.

Who is so polite?

He like unbelievably polite.

Which is it, Tom?

Mark.

Mark!

He must have held the door open for me twelve times.

I felt like his girlfriend at the end of it.

He was just so courteous.

Do you feel bad about the old

making fun of his big shorts?

Yeah, it's made me re-evaluate Enema of the State.

Well, it's been ripe for a fresh take for some lot for some.

25 years has passed.

26 years has passed now.

It's time we re-evaluate Enema of the State.

He was so nice and interested in me and interesting.

Well, do you know what?

Corey Taylor from Slipknot.

he was on like the nicest men i've met he was on um sunday brunch with one of the other guests the last time she was on it kelly she said yeah he's just so nice and polite i think we slipknot yeah we need to i think the more extreme the band the nicer the the nicer the band member to an extent that i've just realized there's some big exceptions to that so let's move on but metalheads in my experience are nerds nice nerds yeah yeah nice nerds with tats nice nerds with tats yeah but yeah he was

so friendly.

Metalheads are essentially Ed Gamble with a smaller clothing budget.

That's them.

That's them.

Nice people.

Very polite young people and old people.

Right, we must move on.

Yes, Dave, because

it's everyone's favourite feature.

Yes.

And it's had a rebrand.

No, it's not.

And if there's one thing...

Worry boots of similar rebrands.

If there's one thing that marks a really well-thought-out, successful idea, it's changing its name in the second week.

Just ask Megan Markle.

Because the thing about Megan Markle is she's created a brand that's just so personal, Dame.

Yeah.

And that got rebranded after a month once they realized that the original personal branding hadn't really landed with the marketplace.

So they made it even more personal, Dave.

They doubled down.

Don't back down, double down.

They said, let's get 20 or 30 sort of great brand strategists and really find out what's more personal

than the first one.

And let's use a different font, which Megan came up with herself.

It's the same.

Just a little bit, just a couple of tweaks here and there.

A bit of a polish on the old bonnet.

You've added cinnamon.

I've added cinnamon, John.

And you've put some edible flowers in a tiny little muslin bag.

Yeah.

As you do for all your friends.

And all the better for it.

Who pop into your personal house that isn't actually your personal house?

I don't know.

I haven't even seen it.

I'm nothing against Megan Markle.

I just think it's hilarious that you would sell something on how personal it is after it's been rebranded.

What happens in it?

I've not seen it either.

So, as far as I'm aware, it's like an AI uncanny valley about an impossible life that no one would want, where Meghan Markle invites people she sort of is vaguely connected with to her house and makes food for them and gives them lifestyle hacks, like keeping honeybees and

like toasting nuts.

Oh, right, okay.

And then makes them food, which is sort of, it's just all very hyper-real and weird.

Okay.

And I think Robin was saying, whenever there's a flashback or a memory, they put it, they digitise a frame around it to signify memories.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like, it's imagine a robot hallucinating about sort of what it's like to be rich and at home a lot.

As far as I'm aware.

As far as you're aware.

Right.

Yeah.

So anyway, we've re-badged it, you fool.

We've not rebadged it.

We've developed.

We have.

The name's different and it's got a different format.

Well, because you panicked.

No, I didn't panic.

I didn't panic.

Listen, let's not get into the back end again.

Let's look at the front end.

Come on.

Sounds like you're like as late.

Yeah.

It's going to mouth it at you.

That's fine.

That's fine.

But let's move on with a feature that I think we're all in agreement has started strong and can only go one way.

Couldn't agree with you more.

Welcome to World Heritage Accents.

Which is a different name to what it was last week.

Mississippi.

Belfast.

Laurel Kirk.

Boston.

Winnipeg.

Come Avenchair Brackett Sorurov.

Wise Japanese.

Ellison Johns.

World Heritage Accents.

You've even changed the jingle to be a bit more painful.

It's been panicked.

It's been...

Well,

I think we can all agree the jingle needed a spruce up.

Dave's head is gone.

Yeah.

So let's not talk about how this should have worked from the outset.

Let's talk about where we are now.

Just look forward.

Because as a brand, we just think about tomorrow.

Blinker.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Blinker.

Think about your next record.

Also, if you're listening to this thinking, thank God

they've changed a flawed product.

We actually haven't.

We've just changed the name.

Yeah.

That plays in the background.

That's quite funny.

It's too distracting to play it.

Have you looped it?

You've looped the bed, including.

I've outsourced it.

Not to throw anyone.

I'm not sure I can concentrate if every 15 seconds I hear Brewer Cork.

Yes, we love an accent.

Can't get enough of them.

We will ooh if you're from Sunderland and R if you're from Cornish.

If you're Cornish.

But we're sorting out the Hall of Famers.

Yes, just to give a bit more of an explainer in terms of what this wonderful new feature is, of course, John.

Last week, two balls were picked out of the bag.

It was Mississippi versus Boston.

Mississippi was victorious and is now one of our UNESCO accents.

World Heritage accents.

World Heritage UNESCO accents, which is now safe.

That's in the bag.

That's safe.

Mississippi.

That's the whole thing is safe.

Oh, it's safe as ours is, mate.

It's not going to get changed again.

No, God, no, not until next week.

So, Mississippi is in.

And of course, now we're going to be featuring two new accents from the balls that were picked out last week.

Which, of course,

Noel West and Glasgow.

Exactly.

And on the line, we have two representatives of those fine, fine accents.

We have Ellis's friend, Barca Jim.

Hello, mate.

How are you?

Meeting me.

All right.

I'm very, very good, guys now.

That to me is UNESCO.

I'm going to say it anyway.

Are you going to get kissed or killed?

And we also have representing Noel West, Joe Sims.

Hello, Joe.

Hello, mate.

How are you doing?

You're right.

Yes, I am.

Okay, okay now.

Exactly.

I am.

Finger popping good.

I'm fresh out of the oven.

Oh, man.

I want to take a big bite out of your talk.

Joe, we'll start with you.

Where are you from?

Because I think we found out that Noel West was very hard to source.

Yeah, Ellis Genge, the rugby player, and Tricky.

Well, that's the thing.

I mean, Ellis Genge is going to be playing for the British and Irish Lions, so he's going to be very busy, and he's he's in Cardiff tomorrow.

So you could get hold of him.

And Tricky once wrote the album All the Best from Knoll West, which is a brilliant name for an album.

But I'm afraid you'll have to make do with me, who lives just across the road in Humble Knoll.

You live in Knoll?

I do.

Amazing.

So, Joe, you're a presenter on the breakfast show on Radio Bristol, and you were also in Broadchurch.

I was indeed playing nasty Nige Carter.

I feel like I

play like a professional Red Aaron.

I like, you know, I'm a big, ugly, bold blue, and everybody thinks I probably did it.

And ordinarily, you'll have an apology to make come the end of the show.

Nasty Nige Carter is a great name to hear in a Bristol accent.

So that reminds you of school, John.

It reminds me of getting my head kicked in.

Great.

That's why you're so chipper.

And

Barca Jim, can you tell the listeners how you know Ellis and how

such a favoured son of Glasgow is known as Barca Jim?

I I don't know how we kind of first met.

Met inverted comments.

It was online, Ellis, because we're a mutual friend.

And

the legend that is Barry Glendaning.

Who I think has got a UNESCO accent himself, in fact, because he's from Burger.

His accent is drunk.

That's not an accent.

It's drunk Irish.

It's drunk Irish.

It's drunk Burr.

But yeah, so we met online, I think, and then we had a drink in Barry's local.

How did you meet another man online?

We just used to like each other's tweets.

Okay.

I think it's as simple as that.

I used to like Jim's vibe.

Jim, I would hasten to add, you like my vibe to an extent.

Is that true?

It's very true, Yelis.

Of course it is.

Lovely.

In terms of your accent, though, coming from Glasgow, is your, you know, you live in Leeds now, don't you?

And obviously, you spent time in Barcelona.

Has it chipped away at your Glaswegian accent?

Well,

I think, I thought it had.

I thought it had until I came back from Barcelona and Nuruddin Chowdhury, another mutual friend of ours, had me on a podcast.

And it was three or four of us.

And he just said at the bump, and Bartha Jim's on it sounding Scottish, right?

And I kind of got offended until I listened to it and I went, sweet baby Jesus.

Like I'm really, really, really bluffy Scotty.

He's got a point.

Because your wife is Scottish, so I suppose that maintains it in the household, doesn't it absolutely yeah yeah yeah um joe can i ask we don't hear much of the bristol accent on our media

and you're a an actor who who who's been in lots of stuff is do you ever get parts as a bristolian or do you have to spend a lot of time masking it um i think it's a bit of booth to be honest i think i'd be plowing a bit of a narrow furrow if i was just doing my native brogue uh but it's interesting because we don't hear it so often i think that people hear my accent and they don't believe that it's legit.

I presented Sarah Beanie's A New Life in the Country and the amount of people that were going, no one from the West Country sounds like that.

I was like, well, if you're hearing me, you should hear me, Dad.

This is even worse.

Jim, have you ever had, are there any, obviously, there are also stereotypes attached to the Glaswigian accent.

Has that ever

played against you?

I don't think it's played against me.

I don't think so.

No, if anything, it's kind of played for me.

And it's, especially in the English pub environment, it just makes you sound really hard, right?

So, my favourite things to hear Lemmy say are window and anything.

Because the way he says anything,

it's like

oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And window, how would you say window, Jim?

So back home, I'd say

look at the windy.

Yeah, yeah.

That's great.

That's look at the windy.

Yes.

Down here, I would say window just for the benefit of local listeners.

And you pronounce the th in anything there.

Would you, back home, would you just be saying Enna?

Yeah.

And he used to write on Twitter.

I followed Lemi.

Instead of Glasgow, he wrote Glesga.

Yeah, Glasgar.

How would you say that?

I've often wondered how that's pronounced, Jim.

Exactly as you said it.

Bob, it's Glesga, right?

My

bug bear is when people go, oh, you feel Glesgay?

You're like, no, I'm not.

There's one week of the year people call it Glesgay, and it's during the Pride Festival.

There must be different accents within Glasgow as there are different accents within Bristol.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, you've got that.

You can go pure med, man.

Just go hard, you up your nose, man.

You talk, man, they don't understand what you're saying, man.

You've just got any idea.

What I've just said there, man, I could be calling you Edin, I could be saying it.

I could go over the place, man, but no.

So, yes, to answer your question, John, yes, there are.

You did say it there.

You said, you said inner.

For anything, I love that.

Inner.

It's great.

It's a great voice.

And Joe, what's your favourite part of the Bristol accent spectrum?

I don't know.

I mean, it's one of those things for me.

I remember the Wurzels that had a song out called These Gotten Where These Casenbackenassen which I think is an absolutely brilliant Bristolian freeze.

What does that phrase mean?

It means you've got it where you can't back it out haven't you?

So if you've got your car stuck and you can't get it out, he's gotten where he's casing back and asen is an absolutely beautiful Bristolian freeze.

Well, we're going to give you each 20 seconds to say why your accent is the best and then we will decide which one's UNESCO.

Who wants to go first?

Let's go for Jim first, shall we?

Jim, have you got a 20-second closing statement for us?

I have indeed.

Okay, off you go.

I'm going to play on Ellis and Dave's love of football here.

Scotland have never got out of the group stage of any major tournament.

The World Heritage accent is our chance to make history and get out of the group stage.

John, I feel that you should vote for us as reparation for the horrific Finn the Aberdeen Lighthouse Keeper that you did on the 14th of December 2024 on BBC Sounds.

Did you think that was genuinely bad?

Yes, I did, John.

He sent me such a long message after us.

That was based on the accent that someone does on a Sherlock Holmes audiobook for an Aberdeen detective.

Yeah.

Aberdeen!

It's like that.

Doesn't make it right, John.

It

Thank you, Jip.

And yes, you did appeal, I think, to my analysis' sensibilities there.

So a good closing statement.

And Joe, you have 20 seconds to

persuaders of Noel West or Bristol.

I'm going to throw myself at the mercy of the jury.

We're no strangers to being at the bargain basement of the conversation when it comes to regional accents.

And I'm sick as you can out with a broom is.

I think we're absolutely lovely.

I'm proud as punch of coming from the West Country is where all the best people i know are from you know from ronnie size and represent to uh to 3d and massive attack i mean we've come with a massive amount of culture we bought you trip up we're very laid back we're very cautious and i'll tell you what with an accent like mine you'd let me look after your rabbit

Wow.

Well, thank you so much for joining us at Barca Jim and Joe Sims there.

We're now going to have to deliberate, cogitate, and digest those wonderful dialects.

I love it.

I think it's got to be Glasgow because Glasgow, this is UNESCO.

We've got to talk about whether the accent is UNESCO.

And it has global significance, the Glaswegian accent.

And it's been used to such great effect by Billy Connolly, Kevin Bridges, Frankie Boyle, Irvin Welsh.

Well, he's from Edinburgh.

Yeah, but he says,

yes, so does, and so am I.

And so are you, yeah.

And I just think it's a, it's an accent.

It's a train spoke in Edinburgh.

Yes.

They live in

Leith, I think.

So do I.

And so do you.

You always have to.

Scottish John.

Yeah.

There's the bit when they're at the start of the film when they're in the Dumpritzer Street.

Yeah, I'm in it.

And you're in it

being Scottish.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Because you're a big hips fan, aren't you?

Yes.

And the thing with Glasgow, I think

it's cast its net far and wide.

Americans recognise the Scottish accent.

I think the Australians would recognise the Scottish accent.

In the English-speaking world, the Glaswegian accent is on a very high pedestal.

If you stood outside the Empire State Building and said,

where does Joe Sims come from?

And he was sitting next to you talking, I don't think there's a single American that would get that.

Unless they'd seen...

this country, maybe?

Yeah, broad church, I'm trying to think.

But this is the thing.

I mean, I want UNESCO to bring Bristol to the world.

However, I am aware that

it's like I'm arguing against Durham Cathedral for Turbo Island.

I think,

is there not something to be said, though,

for the lack of representation for Norwest?

I don't think we should be just throwing it Glasgow's way just because it's a bigger, more familiar accent.

It's culture.

It's familiar.

I just think it's got such global significance, the Glaswegian accent.

And there are multiple Glaswegian Glaswegian accents, as you pointed out, as there are in Bristol as well.

But I just think it's so evocative, the Glaswegian accent.

And also, it's multifaceted, it can be funny, it can be sensitive, it can be threatening, it can be all of these different things.

Oh, that Bristol accent can be threatening.

Yeah, that's not the first time someone from Noel has thrown themselves at the mercy of a jury, I'll tell you that.

Well, I don't know how we're going to put it to a vote, Dave.

Yeah, I think it's going to work.

Yeah, vote between us.

Yeah, I think it's a vote between the three of us.

Okay, I'm voting for Glasgow.

As much as I love Joe's voice,

and I've spent a lot of time in Bristol, you know, and it's an accent that's very dear to me, but we've got to go to Glasgow in this, in my opinion.

John, I've got to stick with Bristol.

I have to, because it's where I'm from.

So, of course, the part of this superb format, of course, is that you two are bringing these accents.

You're suggesting these accents.

One each is picked each week.

We're about to pick two.

I think they're both great.

I mean, we're in a World Cup situation.

There's no bad teams apart from Qatar Qatar and Wales at the last one.

I mean,

I

will go Nor West.

Oh

my

God.

That's huge.

Oh,

oh, my God.

I cannot believe it.

Joe, are you still?

I am.

Oh, my God.

Can you believe what's just happened?

I wasn't expecting that.

I thought you were going to go to Glasgow.

I got a mouthful of chicken, Kiev.

Oh, my days, Dick.

I'm absolutely battered by Sheffield United.

I thought my weekend was going from bad to worse, but this is the victory that Bristol needs.

He's got spill of chicken kiab everywhere, Dave.

He's got breadcrumbs on his lap.

Oh, it's good to hear.

I just wonder, though, Dave.

Yes.

Yeah, don't mess with the format.

I just wonder, though, if Glasgow's got to be like, you know, how in the group stage, the sort of best

third place is going through.

Yeah.

I just think it's too big to ignore.

To knock out Glasgow at this stage would be massive.

And I don't

I'm not sure.

Are people going to lose faith in the whole UNESCO World Heritage accent system if Glasgow go out in the group stage, Dave?

I'd argue if we leave them in it, it makes a mockery of the format.

But I'm up for it because I feel that ship sails.

Glasgow got to stay in the mix.

Great.

So

put the ball back in the bag.

It was like when that...

Tony Say sounds like my love line.

It was like when both high jumpers won the gold at the Elijah.

Or the first London marathon where the two chaps hold hands going over their line.

That's nice.

I'd have run ahead.

Yeah.

I'd have pulled him down.

2008 Edinburgh Festival when we all got Spirit of the Fringe.

Oh, yeah, all got Spirit.

Oh, yeah, I won two Edinburgh Comedy Awards, Dave.

Did you?

Yeah, I got Spirit of the Fringe with everyone.

But I won't.

And Ellis won that as well.

What was Spirit of the Fringe?

For taking part, we all got Spirit of France.

It was a bad idea.

Yeah.

Sounds...

It sounds a little bit...

Imagine everyone getting gold in 100 meters.

Yeah.

Like everyone on Earth.

We're all fast.

Yeah, I was best as you sing, bolt.

but Anyway, I'm going to do the rest of the show in this voice.

I'd love that.

I welcome that.

Okay, well, we've got to draw next week's World Heritage accents.

We've got to do the draw for next who's up next week, and then we've got to find the accents for people to do on the show.

Yes.

Well, first of all, let's just say.

So Glasgow and Norwest join Mississippi.

Yep.

Last week's winner, of course.

Because it's a strong format, John.

Okay, good.

Last week's winner was Mississippi.

So now, entering the unesco collection of world accents we have mississippi no rights there's no next round is there it's not really around it's just a fun collection yeah so when you'd said format earlier

was that loose no we agreed last week that that if we were to bring people back it would start to sound repetitive so we are collecting right so glasgow mississippi nor was

they're in the They're in the display case or wherever it is.

They're safe.

They're safe.

They're safe.

Okay, so we've got John.

And the accent display case.

John's bag of balls to pick out from first.

Randomly picked, of course.

Yep.

We have.

We need to start looking for this one earlier in the week.

This time it's going to be.

John,

we've got one of your favourite accents.

Wise Japanese.

Wise Japanese one of my favorite accents of all time.

Okay.

Like a very spiritual, wise Japanese.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mr.

Miyagi, I think he used as an example.

Yeah, but maybe, like, update that reference if needs be.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Ellis, we'll dip into the bag for your suggested collection of accents to take on wise Japanese.

What could it be?

What could it be?

Good question.

Oh, it's the big two.

It's wise Japanese versus Sunderland.

Oh, what a meeting of the minds.

Okay.

How?

So I have to get Lauren Laverne on or something like that.

So do help us, of course.

This is where the listeners get involved because we do genuinely need the help, especially, I think, for the wise Japanese.

Kyle from Maximo Paul was from Sundland.

Paul Smith.

Aye.

Yeah.

So let us know if you know anyone.

Malcolm versus Miyagi.

Yeah.

Ellisonjohn at bbc.co.uk.

What's the WhatsApp number, John?

In case you're not going to be able to do it.

079724.

07974293022.

Yeah.

You are going to do it for the whole show.

No, I just have it to do it till I get some chocolate.

Great.

Good stuff.

So it's Ellison John's World Heritage Accents, and it's a blooming clear feature.

Oh, shall we chat to Adrian?

Yeah.

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ellison john join us hello fellows hello adrian how are you doing all right thank you i've thought of a made-up game for you oh yes please well i'm at um bbc in in cardiff and I know I've noticed something this morning that the toilet cubicles, they're at different height, the toilet's at different heights.

The one I normally go into,

it's too high, and I've got quite long legs, but I've got to sort of be on tiptoe.

I don't like it.

Do you mean the toilet or the door?

The toilet.

No, the toilet.

The toilet itself.

But I mean, that's not the made-up game.

It got me thinking, you know, you could call the made-up game, how long is it?

So a standard toilet height in millimeters.

How tall is it?

Okay.

Or what else could we do?

I mean, the standard garden spade.

But

in my beginning is my end, as T.S.

Eliot said, Adrian, because you've already pointed out the flashpoint of the made-up game, which is there is no standard toilet height.

I think there is.

I think you'll find.

I think you'll find there is.

And

there's a generally accepted one.

Look, you don't go and sit on the nearest 10 toilets.

Do you know?

You'll realise you will notice if one's higher or lower.

Well, sometimes you do get a urinal because you get low urinals for

children.

Sometimes you get a urinal that's so high, you think this is going to be out of reach of most people.

Yeah.

Luckily, I'm able to sort of bend it around

like a sort of siphon.

But for your sort of vertically challenged person,

some of them are just completely no-go.

Yeah.

All right, listen.

Let's play the made-up game.

A standard toilet height measured from the floor to the top of the seat typically ranges between

but you can give us the range.

It's a five centimetre range between

so many centimetres and so many centimetres.

Ellis, I want you to go first.

This is the standard toilet height measured from the floor to the top of the seat.

60 and 65

centimeters.

And

what say you, John?

Well, I'm sat on a chair now that for me would be perfect toilet height, but I'm trying to assess how it's from the tip of my fingers to my elbow, which is that's the same as my foot size.

So I'm going to say that is 50 to 55 centimeters.

No, well, I've got to tell you, you Ellis, I think if you sat on a toilet that high, your feet wouldn't touch the ground.

Yeah, yeah, and I'd welcome that.

The garden none technique technique it's

it's 38 centimeters to 43 centimeters is it really yes i win but 30 i mean that's just just over a sort of a shatterproof ruler

yeah yeah i wouldn't know they were 30 yeah they were weren't they yeah yeah i put my forearm in my hand i thought it was probably two shatterproof rulers what we should do is gently fade you out as you continue discussing this but anyway i'll leave that with you i don't ask for anything in return well we did have an idea for the first ever stand-up comedy show that fades out like a prog record.

Yes.

You don't have to have an ending.

It just slowly gets quieter and quieter.

Yeah.

Great.

Okay.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Thanks, Adrian.

Look forward to playing one of your makeup games soon.

There we go.

Lovely chat with Adrian there.

And Dave, I am on a sugar high.

Are you?

I'm hitting the roof, mate.

Yeah.

Have you had any of this Rocky Road?

No, I've not.

Body's a temple.

Is it?

No, I do need some.

Well, there's two bits left, and I want the one with slightly more chocolate.

Okay, do you want some, Alice?

He can't have any.

Let's have a look.

That Rocky Road is made by Elsa, Zoffi's girlfriend, Dave.

Oh, wow.

Can I just have a bit?

We're on here.

Yeah, you can have a bit.

And then I'll have my...

I've got my chocolate buttons from last week.

I've got my birthday buttons.

So which one do you want me to have?

No, no, you and Dave share them because I've already had four pieces because this is the most delicious thing I've ever tasted in my tiny life.

Elsa, if you're listening and you want to work on a sort of direct provision,

if you want to be my personal Rocky Road on a retainer, yes, on a retainer.

I would like this exact Rocky Road that you made for Zoff, but with raisins instead of marshmallows.

She is a magician.

Zoph, is she a magician?

What are the other specialities?

Quiche.

Quiche?

Really?

Really good at quiche.

That was not what I was expecting.

No.

Well, Elsa, thank you so much for this at Rocky Road.

I think quiche is unfairly maligned.

I think the problem with quiche is it's hot.

You cannot eat it on the move.

So you can't, you can't just have, you can't get a slice of quiche and eat it as you're walking to the train.

It's too floppy, yeah.

yeah.

It's too floppy.

The base goes soggy.

What's Elsa's quiche base like?

It's pretty solid, actually.

Solid.

I think she freeze.

I think

she bakes the base.

I think quiche is one of the great meals.

No, it would be bottom of my list.

I've got one quite strong opinion on quiche.

Funnily enough.

I don't think there is an item of food that has

a spectrum of quality as great as cold quiche to hot quiche.

I will not eat a cold quiche.

No, it's foamy egg.

I will not eat a cold quiche.

I will eat a hot quiche till the cows come home, John.

It's like 80s pizza, isn't it, quiche?

That's why I was thinking.

A quiche tastes

in terms of the texture, like someone's cooked it wrong, like custard that's split, like there's been a mistake.

It's not even a go at quiche.

I don't, I'm not a quiche guy.

Quiche and a bit of salad.

Hot quiche.

The hot quiche with goat's cheese.

It's just 80s pizza.

It's nice.

But they only exist in garden centre cafes and the chilled section of supermarkets.

Where else does a quiche exist?

You don't go to a restaurant.

There's no quiche in a restaurant.

Oh,

no,

not in a restaurant.

In cafes, occasionally.

There's a cafe near me that sells quiche.

Is it attached to a garden centre?

No, it's not.

Then it's a fake quiche.

It's not real quiche.

It's a good buffet.

It's a good buffet item.

I don't think it it is, Dave, because you pick it up and it falls apart.

Yeah, you need a plate.

Oh!

Is it Mad Dads?

I think, can I have a coffee?

Yeah, let's do Mad Dads, but do a joy.

But let's not look at the end line.

Let's enjoy the journey.

What?

Have you had a bomb?

What are you talking about?

Let's not look at the finish line, which is the coffee.

The podcast recording.

Okay.

Let's enjoy the journey, which is the Mad Dads.

John's done a hot knife.

Oh, we haven't done any correspondence.

We've not.

It's been a busy one.

It's been a busy one, John.

we could do correspondence in the tuesday show we could there's some lovely emails dave

or we could do a bonus episode what

we could do bonus episode next week of correspondence to just give our team of writers just some time off the bureau de change of the mind because it's it's time intensive

yeah and you know what people also like as much as the scripted stuff they would love 10 minutes of emails just for a week yes no more if you wanted no that would that would be good just a week we might have to take a break from the uh that's fine greatest detective story ever improvised and that's that's fine because often detective stories are a bit much all at once aren't they

i would often start reading shillacombs the valley of fear put it down then pick it up again 18 months later yeah the problem with the bureau de channels of the mind available on bbc sound don't pull it that thread is um

it takes 10 times longer to prepare than to do and that for like the opposite of an ina blight novel like the opposite of this show now.

Yeah, yeah.

This takes, I don't know how much

20 minutes.

Oh, 20 minutes to do this.

I rock up, do the show, riff, drop bombs, wisdom, bit of sadness, go home.

Yeah, yeah.

I provide truth and morale.

And sport.

And sport.

Fure Deshange of the Mind, very different beast.

Yeah.

It's like two hours prep for 10 minutes joy.

Sounds like my love life.

That's a third.

I hate Sean.

I know, I know, I know.

But it's now time for Dad's a mad.

My dad, when he brought his first non-stick frying pan, kept the instructions and stuck them on the wall next to it.

Actual real wooden clods

and set about eating what must have been north of 24 egg canopes.

He then proceeded to empty 40 litres or so

onto the timber and strike a match.

Dad's a mad.

That's a mad.

That's a mad.

If your dad has ever done something mad, let us know what on ellisandjohnbbc.co.uk.

Or if your granddad or your mum, if you've had a mad mum incident, you know,

we will not...

What's the word?

Discriminate.

Discriminate.

But there is something specific about, especially Boomer Dads.

Yeah, absolutely.

This is from Louise, who was in Bristol, now is in Bangkok.

I love this one.

I love this one.

Hi, Hammers.

This is technically a grandad's a mad submission, but what is a granddad if not your dad or mum's dad?

Sadly, I was not born to witness this great act of madness, but it is a legendary story in the family.

In the 70s, my granddad noticed that it was fashionable to have render on the outside of your house, and thought it would be just the thing to spruce up their bungalow.

However, he did not see the point in paying for render and felt the obvious thing to do was mix large amounts of porridge oats into a tin of paint and repaint the house achieving the effect for a fraction of the cost he was very proud of it for about two weeks until it inevitably started to go moldy and fall off the front of the house granddads are mad thanks for everything louise that's great that's insane

Who paints porridge on their house?

Porridge dash.

Porridge dash.

Pebble dash.

My first house when I was little had Pebbledash.

It was all the ridge.

Yeah.

But we never thought that porridge was a decent substitute.

It's a very optimistic approach to decorating, isn't it?

Porridge.

Because it was never going to stick.

It was never going to stick.

Good grief.

Dear Boys Buckle of Lee, which means dear little lovely boys.

It is with great joy that I email you an amazing mad dad story, and I believe this mad dad tale will rival the fabulous ones that have gone before.

My dad, the legend called Vernon, great Welsh name, the man who believed he knew everything, the Mansell Davis lorry driver, Mansell Davis lorries, big part of my childhood.

The great sheep impersonator and a few pints were in his system, had a momentary lapse of judgment 45 years ago at the event of my birth.

I was born a month early and my mother and I were required to stay in Glanquilly Hospital for a while.

My parents had taken a long time considering what name I should be given and decided that it was to be Schwaner Meyer.

My father was given the very important task of registering my birth as my mother was unable to leave the hospital.

He left the hospital with this lovely name for the tiny baby laying in an incubator, which my mother was very pleased about, but he, my father, decided to make a detour to the local watering hole.

Whilst there, wetting the baby's hand, he got to talking to a few of the locals and spoke to a lovely lady who had a daughter named Shana Lynn.

My father, a few sheets of the wind, thought that this name would be far more suitable, and unbeknownst to my mother,

registered me into this name.

Wow!

Imagine my mother was not best pleased with this scenario.

My mum would remind me often when she was cross at dad, you know, you should have been called Sean Edmeier.

I've lost both of my parents and missed them greatly, but still chuckle when I imagine my mother's face in the hospital when she heard of my new title.

Love the show, Curry Admiral, Sean Ellen should be Sean Edmeier from Crumik.

Wow, so good.

It's a totally different name.

Well, culturally, explain the difference between Sean Ellen and Sean Edmeyer.

They occupy the same space.

It's like John and David are sort of similar.

We're in the same sort of area.

It's just not like John and uh Quente or Lorenzo, yeah.

Um, it's just Sean Erlin is a lovely name.

I was friends, I'm still friends with the Sean Erlin, and Charlotte Meyer is a lovely name.

I'm friends with the Charlotte Meyer, but they are two different names, and they had agreed on the second one.

So, can you tell me they're both like double-barreled names?

Is that like a sort of

common Welsh thing, actually?

Katie Jane, or a sort of yes, I sort of

mean Fanny.

Fannie Mae?

I don't think you mean Fannie Mae, Fanny Craddock.

Do I mean Frannie Lee?

Frannie Lee, who used to play for Man's City.

What do I mean?

Like

American Nashville names?

Mary Jane.

Mary Jane.

Yeah, yeah.

It's very common.

So I was, I, yeah, as I said, I know Sean Edmeyer and Deshaun Ellin.

It's the fact that he met this woman in the pub and was like, that's better.

You know what?

That's definitely better.

So bold.

I do without asking.

Oh, my.

I mean, I reckon.

In the pre-mobile phone age as well, you see.

So he wouldn't have been able to text to ask for

playing into his hands in a way.

Yes, absolutely.

But I think probably not soon after, and the mum may never have admitted this, but I reckon she probably saw the funny side because that's such a good story just to have for both parents.

You'd be absolutely

changing the name of your child.

You wouldn't be mad for 45 years, though.

Also, you could always change your butt by default.

Exactly, I think.

Imagine if you came home and I changed your child's name, Dave, to John.

Hmm.

Okay, let me work through the parameters here.

So I've come home.

Hannah's face is ash.

But how have you had access?

She's absolutely heartbroken.

She's holding a bit of paperwork in her hand.

Yeah.

And John Robbins has decided to change.

Well, never guess what, Dave?

Your bloody John.

Yeah.

That silly booger.

He's only going to change Lyle's name to John.

What are we going to bloody do?

John Masterman sounds quite good, actually.

John Masterman sounds great.

John Masterman owns a concrete company.

Yes.

And he's a millionaire.

John Master.

He wouldn't know it.

John Masterman Concrete Products.

John Masterman Concrete Products, Dave.

And he's got a pool.

JMCP.

He's got a pool and a jag.

Has he?

He's got a jagged job.

As a mason.

And he's a that's exactly what I was going to say.

He's a mason and he can pull strings, Dave.

John Musterman.

I love this.

You spoke to a lovely lady with a daughter named Shannel Inn, and he thought, yeah, that is definitely

the name for me.

Well, that's the end of Mad Dad's.

Yeah.

That's the end of the show for this Friday.

Yes.

We're all going to go and have a coffee.

I've eaten eaten Elsa's crumbs, Dave.

Yeah, we heard.

We heard the little rustle of the bag halfway through the galaxy.

There were some crumbs in the bottom, weren't there?

John is an addict.

So for the Bureau tomorrow, only on sounds, what are we getting?

Are we getting a scripted masterpiece or an email correspondence special for tomorrow?

What do you mean?

Because you mentioned that we might have to do...

we might have to pull up.

Correspondence?

Yeah, in the Bureau tomorrow.

No, no, no, no, no.

I've got a scripted masterpiece

for four hours.

He's done the the scripted masterpiece.

Good stuff.

I need to buy you something to thank you for this.

No, you don't.

Okay, what then?

You got me a lovely, uh, lovely book.

And did you get me a book?

Yeah, I got you Poetry of the Thirties.

Poetry of the 30s, which I took to Margate.

Oh, because I was in the world of Poetry of the 30s.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got me chockey's, which I'm going to have with my coffee, and he got me £108.61.

Great!

That was fun.

Enjoyed that.

Yes, bye-bye, everyone.

Take care.

Love you.

Bye.

Bye.

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Sucks!

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We the man to be honest!

Winner, best score!

We the man to be seen!

Winner, best book!

We the man to be quality!

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com