#423 - Gareth Guffer, Dune July and Planet Credit Score

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BBC Sounds, music, radio, podcasts.

Hello everyone and welcome to the Ellis James and John Robbins podcast featuring our producer Dave Masterman and featuring a good vibe.

Oh, I think so, yeah.

Yeah, a real spring vibe in the air.

New buds.

With three new buds, lovely Dave.

With three daffs in the garden.

Can I show you a picture of my blossom tree?

I've never heard it called that before.

Of course, you can, Dave.

Look at this.

Is this a mature tree?

Oh, it was at the peak of its powers last night.

That's not yours, that's in a public area, Dave.

It's on the green outside my house.

Well, it's not yours, though, is it?

It's nice.

It's nice.

Who's looking after it?

No one needs to look after it.

Look at it.

Yeah, it's really nice, but it's not yours.

It's by a road.

Yeah, I live by a road.

Dave, can I show you a photo of my Big Ben?

Yeah, again.

Yes,

that was,

you know, I'm making a joke.

Can I show you a picture of my Nelson Scully?

Can I show you

of my shard?

You're very

high opinion of yourself.

I'll show you a picture of my Cleopatra's needle.

Yeah, so it's not yours.

I can show you my Ilkin marbles.

That's God.

That's good stuff.

The point I was trying to make before you two took it into the blooming gutter is that it's just, isn't it a shame how for fewer days a blossom tree is in its prime isn't it wow what a wonderful poetic turn of phrase

for fewer days a blossom tree is in its prime i think blossom trees are having a moment yeah

for fewer days in their prime day three three men who i didn't think were into blossom trees have come up i am big into blossom have come up to me in the last five days and said have you seen that blossom tree and i've gone i don't know i've got it in the daytime dave you're not into blossom trees you're into blossoms no i'm not

They're also good.

Look at that.

Yeah.

But that will last like that.

That'll be in its prime for as few a days as three.

And then it's dead for another year.

It's not dead, Dave.

It may as well.

It's resting.

Their greenness is a kind of green.

Yeah,

it's on its phone between sets.

Yeah, the trees are still there.

We should all go to Japan to see the amazing blossom tree zones.

Well, for three days.

Well, I think

no one ever talked to me about blossom trees until like the last month.

I've had a blossom tree-free existence for the first 44 years of my life.

Well, when you get into your 40s, blossom becomes quite a big player in the old mental health scene.

Yes, does it?

Yeah.

For too few days a year.

Before grief.

Yeah, so

not a lot of blossom around me, I have to say.

Mentally.

No, just in terms of the landscape of rural bucks.

Okay.

We're more into your beaches, your oaks.

Oh, the trees are just silver birch.

Now, they are more evergreen, aren't they?

No, none of those are evergreen.

Oh, your oak trees are pretty evergreen, yeah.

All deciduous trees.

Okay.

Have you got an app that tells you what a tree is called?

No.

Well, well done.

Well, I've got a brain that tells me.

Yeah, but where are you getting this information from?

My ram is a woodcraft course.

Really?

Yeah.

So you could just name a tree like that.

Some.

The key, the big ones.

The key big ones in the UK in rural books.

Yeah.

Okay.

Of which there are only really two types.

God, I wish I knew more about tree.

I wish I cared.

Yeah.

It's like, you know, it's like bird song.

I just wish I gave an S.

Oh, I love the sound of a wood pigeon in the eve.

Yeah.

Yeah, quite nice, but

people have written poems about them for centuries, and I just don't don't care.

If I was a poet and I hit a wood pigeon, I'd be like, Yes, still no ideas.

But you're not a poet, nor do you have to be.

No, leave that to Dave.

Yes.

For fewer days, the blossom trees are in bloom this year.

It's a good idea for the next poem.

I'm going to do it about blossom trees.

I think blossoms combine your two great loves.

It could be a truly great Manchester poem.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

How are you, John?

I'm good.

I'm just working out what I did this week.

Hmm.

A lot of of strategising.

Yes,

a lot of key.

No, I've done absolutely nothing.

We went for a walk in a graveyard with some friends.

Okay.

We saw Bert Yansch's grave.

Did you?

Yeah.

Where's that?

Highgate Cemetery.

Oh, wow.

And there was actually quite a lot of blossom knocking about, which is good to see.

Yeah.

There's a few of the big hitters in Highgate, isn't there?

Karl Marx.

Marks, that's what I was thinking of.

And a few others, but we didn't see that because we didn't pay to to get in.

But the guy at the front did let us in to see Bert Yansch because he's first in.

Is Yansch.

That's good stuff.

That's such a horrible sneeze.

Yeah.

Well, what do you want me to do with John sneezing?

I haven't done a hanky, do I?

And he's not.

Just sneeze into Dave's laptop.

It's like a metal hanky.

Yes, that's true.

But, you know, he's got to use that for work.

Highgate Cemetery is one of those cemeteries that is an acceptable thing to do with friends, I think.

Oh, yeah.

All cemeteries are.

I don't know.

You're a young man in the prime of life.

Well, so why not commune with the fact that for fewer days the blossom trees metaphorically are in bloom?

And that if we are blossom, our time is limited.

Yes.

And then enjoy the rest of the day a bit more.

Yeah.

Well, I went to North Macedonia to watch Wales play.

Which is sort of a graveyard, isn't it?

No, not at all.

It's a a graveyard if graveyards are great.

It's a great yard.

It was one-all, wasn't it?

It was one-all.

When did they score their goal?

With North Macedonia.

Which isn't even all of Macedonia.

It's quite a difficult geopolitical

thing to discuss, but it's a good point.

But in terms of the size of Wales.

Yeah, they're smaller than us, but they're a good side.

Next Yugoslav country, and they're always good teams.

But yeah, they scored their goal in the 92nd minute, and we scored our goal in the 96th minute scene.

Yeah.

Limbs.

Chaos.

This is living.

And I like

who was there, my friend, who party who likes to party was there.

Matthew the Pharmacist.

That's like a ridden budget version of Cludo.

Was it Matthew the Pharmacist in the corridor with the seller tape?

The great, the venerable, the right honourable Eggie was there.

Eggie, Eggie, of course.

Eggie was there.

Eggie missed the goal.

He'd left the ground because he thought we were losing.

And they always hold you in.

They hold you back for 30 minutes in the Balkans.

If you're an away fan, and he thought, I can avoid that if I miss, because if I leave, because we've lost 1-0, he decided to leave, but it was fine.

Yeah.

Because Eggie will rise again.

Yeah, we've had some emails about Eggie.

Oh, yeah.

This is from Phil, who says, hello, Dave, the Egg, and Ellis and John, the little soldiers.

Okay.

I'm an Eggie, and at the schools I went to growing up, as far as I know, the only Eggies were me and my brother, Delvers Junior School and Blue Coat, both in Walsaw.

The reason for our nicknames was the pronunciation of our surname.

We pronounce it Egan, a bit like Keegan.

Oh,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Egan was out in Neely Gum is out in Macedonia with the great Gareth Guffer from Swansea.

There you go.

And Dewey Floyd, the ex-newsreader.

All human, all Welsh life is there.

Wow.

Who's your Guffy friend?

Gareth Guffer from Swansea.

Gareth Guffer.

Yeah.

In the conservatory with a toxic gas.

But it only takes one teacher at school to pronounce it Egg and to form the Egg and Chips or Egg and Bacon Puns for the nickname to stick.

I'm surprised to find that Eggie is as popular as you think.

Does everyone really know an Eggie?

I don't know an Eggie.

And

this is from

no name given.

Well, Eggie.

No, it's my friend named Eggy.

Hello, my delectable depositors of joy.

I used to know an Eggie from back in the early 90s.

I think that was got to be the key era for Eggies.

Am I missing something here?

Because the cheekier, slightly more knockabout name is surely Eggsy.

Get an Eggy.

It's in Northern's Eggies, isn't it?

Is it?

Regional days.

Eggie just sounds quite smelly.

Yeah, but that's...

Because it's sort of primary school, secondary school nickname humour.

Yeah.

This isn't, you know, smoking roll-ups outside of

Londis or Happy Shopper, Dave.

This is sort of

trodding dog mess into year seven English.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

Like my friend

who I was a boy I was at school with, who swallowed two pennies and everyone knew we called him tuppence.

He swallowed a penny twice.

Twice.

I thought I always thought he'd swallowed two tuppence, two p, but now you swallowed a penny.

It's not the same penny, surely not.

I thought it was the same penny.

There was a guy in the year above me who drank a bottle of Tipex for 50p.

Oh, that's what we're talking about.

God, right.

That's A ⁇ E, then, isn't it?

You hope?

I don't know.

Who knows?

Yeah, my friend Johnny swallowed a plectrum and he had to go to

Big Bass Plectrum.

He had to go to A ⁇ E and Pembroke dog.

Not great.

So this is...

I wonder what noise a plectrum makes when it comes out, naturally.

Well, he claims it never did.

So it's still in there somewhere.

Still in there?

Yeah.

I wouldn't want a plectrum in the colon for 20 years.

No, no.

Neither would I.

No.

No, no.

Anyway, hello, my delectable depositors of joy.

I too used to know an Eggie from back in the early early 90s.

Although he quickly tired of the name and told everyone in no uncertain terms not to use that name again, he was a bit of a bruiser.

And I kid you not, his best mate was called Boyle.

Boyle and Eggie.

Eggie was, as I say, a bruiser and was in fact a good boxer.

My friends and I actually saw one of his fights and offered such support as, scramble him, Eggie!

And you've got him on toast, Eggie.

And my personal favourite, soldier on, Eggie.

Yeah.

All were dispatched through much much giggles and cowardice in case he saw who was actually shouting.

He's a lovely bloke, but just in case, please don't read out my name.

I'm still a coward.

Yeah.

Eggies can be intimidating.

Yeah, I found out Eggie's real name at the weekend.

Really?

Yeah, Eggward.

Is it?

Egward.

No, he has told it to me, but I always forget it because he's just Eggie.

Well, speaking of swallowing things, we've got an update from our Shamewell subject who put a Euro coin on his girlfriend's tongue and then had to cycle to A ⁇ E in the German forest.

Abel!

Abel says, hello, my beautiful boys.

Thank you for weathering the onslaught of my story.

It's been quite cathartic to hear you squirm with discomfort.

An update I'd like to share.

I heard the episode while I was on a beach holiday with my girlfriend, and less than three minutes after I'd privately listened to the episode, I giddily walked up to her to share it, only to find her down on one knee in front of a will you marry me written in the sand.

Oh,

needless to say, we celebrated our engagement listening to John and Ellis and Dave regarling us with our own most harrowing anecdote, Love and Kindness Abel.

Congratulations, Abel.

Oh, that's lovely.

Written in the sand.

Classic.

Yes.

But you've got to make sure you don't do spelling mistakes, then you've got to start again.

Yeah, but that's, yeah, I suppose it is a challenge.

It's quite, it's not the most taxing phrase to spell, though, is it?

No, no, no, but you're nervous.

Yes.

Are they going to say yes?

What if the tide comes in what if the tide comes in and washes away the words yeah because that you want the consistency of the sand you want you can't get too high up the beach because it's going to get too dry exactly you're getting too close to the water there is the risk of washout have you proposed a lot do you

know but i've written that lila's name in the sand a lot and

beck's name you just do it when the kids are around don't you it's good i mean it's good stuff on holiday it's good sand

stuff it's good sand gear and then there's usually a little kid that runs across with a frisbee and puts his blooming footprints all over the...

And you chuck him in the sea to launch him into the sea.

What was I going to say about proposing in this?

Oh, prenup.

Get a prenup.

Do get a prenup.

This has got to become standard.

Yeah.

It has to.

Because the state already has a prenup on your behalf.

Yeah.

Right.

So you've already got a prenup.

Yeah.

Whether you like it or not.

So you may as well have one that's more tailored towards you.

Okay.

And it's those romantic gestures that...

It is actually that.

It doesn't have, you don't have to, you know, come up with it on the day that you propose.

It's just in the next 48 hours.

Well,

no, just before you get, before you sign your name.

Yeah.

On the wedding day, which is when you sign the states prenup.

Yeah.

Right?

What's the states prenup?

Half of everything you own belongs to the person you're marrying and half of everything you earn belongs to the person you marry.

And half of everything you have earned belongs to the person you marry.

And half of your property belongs to the person you marry.

I made a huge mistake.

So given that around 50% of weddings, I'm not saying this is happening to you, Abel, end in divorce.

Yeah.

Right?

It's a toss of a coin as to whether you're going to need the states prenup.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

So that is what sets.

And that is why women everywhere are banging on the door to go out with John Ross.

Well, so they should be.

So they should be.

They should.

Because it's about being honest before the event, not after.

So let me put it in these terms.

Would you rather have a one-night stand with someone who the next day goes, do you know what?

Actually, I'm not really looking for anything.

I'm just going to go.

Right.

Or would you rather go for a meal with someone who says, hey, just before anything happens, or I'm not saying it's going to, but just to let you know where I'm at and what I'm looking for and what happens.

Could you sign this?

Could you sign this?

It may be more awkward and more uncomfortable, but I think it's more mature ahead of any potential changes or disasters to get your cards on the table and go, I'm not willing to give you half my cards.

Or your car.

Yeah.

Or half my car.

Is this about the sportage?

It's got to be about the sports.

It's always about.

It's always about the sportage.

You would have to claw the keys out of my dead hand, Dave.

I want to be buried in the sportage, which is incredibly environmentally unfair.

Do what I could do,

I could drive the sportage into the sea and then escape.

I don't want to put you at risk.

No, no, we'll have it planned.

We'll talk to the people at Red Bull.

But my accountant is also a volunteer lifeguard.

Is he?

He'll be at the do.

He'll be at the door.

He'll just be me and him.

I drive the sportage.

He'll be my whole Christmas card list.

He'll be Robin, my mum, my accountant, my financial advisor, and a representative from Premier N.

Abel, we wish you all the best.

But do consider a prenup.

Yep, we're not scattering the ashes.

He's in there.

Right then out, start the engine.

Oh,

it would be tough to arrange, but you know, like a sort of Viking cremation

on a pyre.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shut a section of the M5.

I'm in the sportage.

And torch the sportage on the hard shoulder.

Yeah.

Obviously, with emergency services on hand to put it out.

Yeah.

And near a pollution control.

Like a really sad big birthday cake.

Yeah, but think of the families

in the jam thinking, God, look at that.

And

I know what that is.

That's John.

That's John's funeral explosion.

And then you could all go to Gloucester Services for the wake.

Yes.

It does work.

Practice.

Doesn't work.

It does work.

His ideas always work.

They just, they're not what humans want.

They're how robots want to grieve because it all works would you be on the top of the car or would you be in the car just with a seat reclined oh am i getting a little um roof rack that's good

nice

else do you want to drive him to the sea no i want i want to be feeling its award-winning interior

and i want my hands on the the leather um the leather steering wheel yeah i'll rig them off this would have set in as well so that'd be actually quite easy to do surely a burnout on the hard shoulder doesn't satisfy the seven-year warranty.

How would that past its warranty, Alice?

You forget about it, Dave.

The sportage is coming with me.

Yeah, the guy's dead because

you can't set fire to a car, then take it back to the manufacturer and say there's a fault.

Yeah, yeah.

And they say, What happened?

You're like, Well, he loved this car so much that he actually wanted to be buried in it.

But I'd quite like it now because he's dying.

Yeah, it's too late.

Oh, that's a nice, isn't that a nice start to the podcast?

Death and divorce.

Well, before, in terms of starting, starts to the podcast,

when I arrived, John was having a coffee, and the first thing he said to me was, talk to my accountant about Project 2032.

It's on.

So

the podcast has only got seven years left anyway.

Oh, that's disheartening.

I feel like we're just hitting our stride.

It was just funny to hear him using the phrase Project 2032.

And my spreadsheet tallied up with his software.

Did it?

That's another win.

That's another win.

John wins again.

I haven't got any wins this week, unfortunately.

We're not doing it this week anyway.

I know, I know.

And we're also not chatting to Adrian because of world events.

Absolutely.

And that makes sense.

So we won't be able to tell him.

Maybe we'll tell him for next week.

So he's asking for people who share a birthday with him.

Or he was asking, yeah, for people who share the birthday.

That's his birthday, yeah.

And we have had some nice emails in from people who have people in their lives who share their birth date

as in exact year.

Some funny.

Shall I read one or should we save them for Adrian next week?

I think save them for Adrian.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Something on my will on Monday.

Yeah.

So you've got to be nice to me.

Okay.

God, it's all coming up, Robin.

It is, isn't it?

I'm quite excited.

I've got to have two executors.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Who are they going to be?

Oh, Joe Root.

Does he want someone conscientious, but with a bit of flair?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then I think maybe

Susie Dent.

Oh, yeah.

Eye for detail.

Yes.

It'll be a shock to them.

Yeah.

And a bit of an admin pain.

But I think they'll do a great job.

Richard Osman.

No.

Ian McShane.

Osman's too busy.

I had to join the Daily Telegraph.

I had to become a subscriber to the Daily Telegraph this week because of of your fantastic review of How Do You Cope?

Ah, well, it wasn't my review.

No, no,

that would be very vain.

No, no, no, so it's a fantastic review.

Five stars, actually six stars out of five.

It is a fantastic review of How Do You Cope, John, in particular, John's interview with Amanda Knox, and I became a subscriber so I could leave a comment.

And I said the real star is Ellis, who actually left this podcast to set John free.

Yeah.

Because you're turning into a superb interviewer, according to the review.

Becoming a superb interviewer.

Is it embarrassing?

Because you have said it three times this morning.

Reminding us of the review words.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When you are in the presence of someone who is becoming a superb interviewer, not my words, the words of the television.

The words of Chris Bundyan.

Be very careful

when engaging them in badinage.

Because I can use my sensitivity.

Yeah.

to take you down.

I tell you one thing.

It's not.

Well, he does that.

It's not funny, Dave.

Yeah, you don't want me to turn.

No.

His empathy on.

Yeah.

It's horrible.

Just completely takes all the humor out of anything.

Becoming the best interviewer is like winning the most improved player award at your under 10s football.

And is that why under 10s, Dave?

No, it's felt like a good age.

And that's when I won my.

Well, I take that.

I take that.

We've actually had an email about our credit scores.

Yes.

Hi, hope you're well.

I work in the Xperian PR team.

And if you've just listened to the most recent episode of the podcast, which is great, by the way, love the idea.

All the people at Experian just chilling out listening to the podcast.

Don't worry, Dave, this email gets more balanced.

We were pleasantly surprised to hear the conversation about credit scores.

How many podcasts do you get that on?

Exactly.

Martin Lewis is Money Box Live.

Moneybox.

No, John wasn't too pleased with us, but anyone who describes a top credit score as sexy is a friend of Xperian in our books.

I wanted to get in touch.

I could put back my dating profile.

Quote, friend of Experian.

I wanted to get in touch as there were a few inaccuracies mentioned.

Firstly, the three major credit bureaus are Experian, Equifax, and TransUnion.

Equifax actually powers clear scores service, and TransUnion power MSEs offering.

Also, closing a credit account doesn't necessarily increase the score, but it can impact it.

In some cases, closing an account can reduce your average account age and your overall available credit, which might lower your score in the short term.

Thanks, Eliza.

Yes, very good for pointing that out, because it, but it just goes to show even someone who's quite up on credit scores, it's a very vague world.

And Dave, can we actually get that person on?

No, Eliza's experience.

Because I want to talk about credit scores, Dave.

Why didn't you get

important people our age trying to buy houses and finding out too late that their credit scores is knackers?

Why don't you get a lovely solo podcast where you just talk to yourself?

Well, I tried that with a daily jondle.

And you roundly mocked me.

I didn't.

Yeah, you did.

You mocked my little self-drawn posters.

I did mock that, but that's not content.

That's not podcast content.

Dave, can we talk to someone from a credit reference agency, please?

Yeah, if you want.

Thank you.

If you want.

Because I...

Because you go on, and this isn't specific to any particular one.

It would not need to be.

It would need not to be.

I log on to my credit score thing.

Yeah.

Right?

right and it says here are the 11 things

that define your credit score and it says they're all fine 700 out of 800 and you're like well if they're all fine why is it 700 out of 800 or whatever it is why am i not 800 out of 800 if all the things you've listed you want to win don't you i want to win but you did win why are we back to this because i'm not one on all of them oh no one down i'm coming for the next one but it's interesting to say okay so all my addresses are correct i've never missed a phone bill Don't have a CCG.

Don't have a CCG, never been bankrupt.

My name is correct.

My date of birth, I'm on the electoral register.

Yeah, you have empathy.

I have empathy.

I regularly pay off my mortgage.

Yeah.

So

what is the magic extra thing?

Or is it just not possible to get 100 million billion percent?

100%.

That's what I want to talk to them about in just a slightly calmer way.

Yeah.

And with a couple of jokes, maybe?

Yeah, a couple of jokes.

Maybe they don't like burning inside of your car on the M side of the M5 or something.

He hasn't done that yet.

He does that at death.

Yeah, it's hypothetical.

That's my hypothetical credit score is affected by that.

That's the future, John.

Okay.

Also, that's not how he's going to die.

He's how he's going to be cremated.

If I'm still here, I'll do it.

It's what he wants.

So might we get someone from a credit reference agency?

Yeah, if we feel like we've not covered this in enough.

Or get Lewis on.

Oh, I don't mind Lewis, as well, you know.

Who does that?

Is this so easy?

Can I I just ask for my favourite guests?

Yeah, I'd like Alan Ramsey on, please.

Okay, well,

they get up and then, Dave.

You've got his content because we've tried many times to get Alan Ramsey on.

He's tricky to track down.

Yeah.

Seems like these guys are a little bit easier.

Does there anything in?

And I'd like Noddy Holder.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's probably gettable.

I would say so.

Yeah.

Not in December.

Eliza, just dropped me a DM.

Eliza.

Eliza just dropped me a DM on social media.

To talk about the credit stuff.

Oh, great.

No, we can

might like to come to the office and just find out more about what you do.

Might do.

We can explore it further if we feel like there's more interesting ground to cover.

Dave, I can give you more interesting ground on credit scores than you ever imagined, Dave.

I don't disagree.

Have you seen Dune?

Yes.

Imagine that, but it's all credit.

It's on planet credit scores.

And the worms underneath are bad credit.

And you've got to learn to ride them with those big hooks in the back and turn your vomit into water to drink.

Okay.

Are you sleeping, John?

Up and down.

I found June a bit much in parts.

But I got the general premise and I enjoyed it.

I like the baddie chap who hovered out of the oil.

Yeah.

I thought that was quite scary.

You're quite creepy.

You were dead, dead, scary.

You were dead, dead, scare.

I'm not rushed back for June 2, so that probably speaks volumes.

Well, it's called July.

Very good.

That's lovely.

That's humor.

It's because I've been with 2,000 Wales fans for three days.

Just riffing.

That is decent.

Just riffing.

I feel invigorated, but that's lit a fire under my day, dude.

Yeah, yeah.

You've got to do that on stage.

And then he said he wants to rush rush you back to Doom 2.

Well, and I said, that's called July.

No, no, no.

Come on, go.

Hello, everyone.

Lovely to be here.

I was almost a bit late because I got caught up at home

watching June on TV, or as I call it, July.

It's tricky.

I'm out of the game, Dave.

It's tricky.

If I did that, I'd be God in the Royal Variety performance.

Oh, yeah.

Or just wrong James Giller and Always Be Comedy and Kennington up and said, I've got some new stuff I've got to try.

Can I do a 30-second slot?

But five or six times, because I'm worried I'm going to get the setup wrong.

At the BBC, we go further so you see clearer.

Through frontline reporting, global stories and local insights, we bring you closer to the world's news as it happens.

And it starts with a subscription to bbc.com, giving you unlimited articles and videos, ad-free podcasts, and the BBC News Channel streaming live 24-7.

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right.

What's now, Dave?

Where are we then?

Oh, well, we're not talking to Charles Celesti dads a mad.

Yeah, great.

Okay.

My dad, when he brought his first non-stick frying pan, kept the instructions and stuck them on the wall next to it.

Actual real wooden clods

and set about eating what must have been north of 24 egg canopes.

He then proceeded to empty 40 litres or so

onto the timber and strike a match.

Dads are mad.

Dads are mad.

Dads are mad.

Yes, that's right.

Dads are mad and we endeavour to share their madness with you.

Now, usually I don't like to ruin the sort of punchline of a story, but I will read out the title of this email because it's so funny.

Burying a Bath.

Dear Ellis and John, when I was a teenager, my parents were having their en suite bathroom renovated and the fitted bath was being removed and replaced with a shower.

The builders said a skip was needed to get rid of the bath.

As this was the only item to be disposed of in the skip, my dad thought hiring one was quite unnecessary.

This was a Friday, and he told the builders the bath would be gone when they arrived on Monday morning, simply stating, I'll sort it.

My dad's chosen method of disposal was to smash the bath up with a sledgehammer and bury the pieces in a trench he'd dug in the back garden.

Why he had to bury it, I don't know.

This took him all weekend and dad was in his element.

Problem successfully solved.

When the builders arrived on Monday, they were surprised to find the bath gone with no skip on the drive.

They asked my dad what he'd done with it, but he refused to tell them his methods, simply repeating, it's sorted.

Cut to a few weeks later, and there was a period of heavy rain that saturated the lawn.

Like a scene from a horror film, the taps from the bath started to poke above the ground like a zombie's hand emerging from a grave.

The bath still lies buried at the end of the garden, now safely under a few more layers of soil.

My parents' Evermooh house.

I hope the new owners find it and wonder how it ended up there.

Keep up the great work Sophie and Macclesfield.

Classic.

I love that.

Why not take it to the tip?

If you're going to the trouble of smashing it up, why bury it in your own back garden?

Because you could put it in the boots, couldn't you?

Yeah, you could put it in a series of heavy-duty plastic bags.

But that's history now.

It's well, it's sort of not an ideal history.

You're kind of creating a narrative in your own back garden of the time you spend.

You're turning your back garden into a waste disposal system.

A friend of mine has just found an old Second World War Anderson shut in.

But you can work out what that is,

and you can work out almost exactly when it was built.

Can you still get into it?

Yeah, it's full of soil, so he's emptying it out.

Oh, nice.

But with the bath, it would pause so many questions.

Yeah.

Which you'd never get to the bottom of, unless you'd listen to the show, of course.

Also, it's not good for the environment to just smash things up and bury them in your back garden, is it?

I don't think so.

Not long term.

No.

No.

Especially metals.

Still, we have have fun.

You know, it's bonkers.

Ellis, you got one.

Yes.

The standard of

dads are mad is very, very high.

Please send them to ellisandjohn at bbc.co.uk with your made-up games and your petty parliaments, of course.

Andy the Shane Wells.

Andy Shane Wells, please.

Classic Shimmer last week.

Oh, I love that.

I've listened to that back a lot.

It was oil again.

And do follow us all on Instagram to get the wonderful carousels that are put together by our fantastic team here.

What do I mean by carousel, Dave?

That's what Hannah does when she's not got the answer to a question to school that she should know.

She'd go, what do you think it means, kids?

A carousel is just one method of raising awareness of this fantastic audio on-demand service, which every Wednesday at the minute, we're posting carousels, which is a rotating grid format, isn't it?

It's like when you select more than one photo for a post.

Yeah, you just flick through.

So there's some videos in there.

There's some photos in there.

There's a couple more videos.

it's just a bit of a kind of smorgasbord it's a content schmorger's board of quick fire content it's a hot buffet it's a hot buffet uh hello lads we were having a big celebration for my auntie's significant birthday dad had decided on a barbecue for the festivities however his standard barbecue was not big enough to cope with the sheer quantity of sausages and burgers needed No problem.

Just borrow another one from a friend.

The only issue was there was no stand for it.

Again, no problem.

Dad disappeared into the house, grabbed a few items.

Hey, Presto, he had a barbecue stand.

He merrily got the coals burning and started cooking.

However, something wasn't right.

The borrowed barbecue began to lilt to the side.

This quickly became more pronounced, and suddenly with a crash it fell, spilling hot coals and semi-cooked meat everywhere.

Turns out one of the items Dad had selected to use as a stand for the barbecue was a tall washing basket.

A plastic washing basket.

Clearly, Dad hadn't considered what happens to plastic under extreme heat.

Anyway, not a problem for Dad.

He simply scooped the coals back into the now

floor-bound barbecue, picked up most of the meat, and resumed cooking on the floor.

Nothing can deter my dad and the full steam.

Mum wasn't best pleased that her washing basket was a melted mess, and that her guests were receiving charcoal and grape-flavoured food.

All the best, Dave Kay Halifax.

Very good stuff.

I have

never...

Oh, only once in my life hosted a barbecue.

I don't like them.

I think it's a very overrated way to eat and socialise.

It's also an awful lot more faff than doing it in the kitchen and bringing it outside.

Yes.

Live a little, lads.

I've just come back from North Macedonia.

Wales away is life, Dave.

Did you barbecue out there?

No, I ate burgers.

What sort of food do they have in North Macedonia, please?

Oh, also, the breakfast was a strange collection of

chirit so and pepperon meat and scrambled eggs and bread and figs and jam and dairy lea.

Wow.

I like the beginning of it.

Yeah.

This is weird because in

countries where English is widely spoken, but as everyone's second language,

they think quite weird stuff is cool.

So we went into one bar and in massive neon lights, he just said, music that's louder than your girlfriend last night.

Wow.

Crikey music.

Why would you put that in neon?

Yeah.

And we were in Montenegro last year, and there was another one, and it just said something like, Hey, man, I hate your BS.

Just drink a beer.

Why are you doing this?

I've got to be honest, it's rare that you see something written in Neon that isn't lame.

I completely agree.

Neon lamifies almost everything.

It does.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

It's sort of adjacent to the

like wellness memes we were trying to come up with, but trying to be slightly cooler.

Yes, yeah.

I have got a neon sign for my club night.

What did that say, Dave?

Well, this is all my friends are.

Well, that's

a title of the thing.

That's a title of the thing.

Yeah, I think titles are fine.

Yeah.

I think maxims, that's when you start to.

But if I walked into your kitchen and you had a neon sign that said dancing and

I would think that was lame.

But if you were from

Pasquetonia, you'd think it was really cool.

Oh, yeah.

If I was from, like, if I was from Milan or if I was from Lisbon, that would be the coolest thing in the whole system.

I know.

You charge entry to see your neon side.

Yeah.

I think

you're quite right.

I always take photos of them because I find them so funny.

Yeah, and the kids are starting to learn how to read, so there's questions you've got to answer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's actually more trouble than it's worth.

One of your kids is 12, isn't she?

Not quite.

She's getting there.

Seven.

Seven.

Yeah, okay.

Well, it's only five years off.

Yeah, time does.

Yeah.

Time does.

It's tricky to keep up with.

It is, it is.

Oh, my God.

Right, is it almost time to go, dears?

Not just yet.

I think it is.

Is it?

40 minutes.

40 minutes enough to get a couple of ad rolls in.

In the grand scheme of things.

Actually, we've not done bad, but I think listeners just come to expect more, don't they?

Oh, we've had a right laugh.

All right, quiz me.

Give me 10 quick fire quiz questions.

What's your favorite herb?

Uh, oregano.

Okay, what's your favourite spice?

Uh, chilies, what's your favourite roasted chilies?

Chilies,

chilies,

the

crushed chilies, all right, okay.

Uh, what's your favorite colour?

Black.

What's your

graphite grey?

What's your favourite?

What's your favourite hatchback?

Oh,

great question.

Oh, you stumped him.

Historical?

1910 to present?

Favourite hatchback.

You need to have one in your back pocket here, I think.

I know.

Well, if you want a rocket in your back pocket, Renault 5 GT Turbo.

Okay.

I mean, I never liked it because I was Team Sierra, but an escort Cosworth.

A team.

They're rare as hens team.

Ford Sierra would be mine.

That's not a hatchback.

Is a Mondeo a hatchback?

No.

Okay.

An escort would be mine.

Mark II.

Okay.

Do you floss?

Not as often as my blemin hygienist wants me to.

Okay.

She thinks I have

a single-minded,

solely floss-based lifestyle, that I'm I'm constantly disappointing her, that I'm not flossing twice a day with two different widths of interdental brush.

I'm like, I got podcasts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, I got stuff to do.

Yeah.

But I would say I floss twice a week.

Okay.

Which is not enough.

No.

I know.

Sue me.

Send me to prison for a billionaire.

I don't floss at all, John.

Well, you're lucky you've got tight gums.

I've always said that.

You've got sensational teeth.

That's what your dentist told you.

He said, I don't need to see you in six months, actually.

I mean, they're just sensational.

No, he says, Come back every three years.

Your gums are like a really high finish on a kitchen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They've said they're starting to notice the old receding of the gums.

I'm just a bit too aggressive with the brush, but it's fine.

Yeah, we get one of the electric ones with the red light.

I just ignore the red light.

Dave,

I just do that when you're driving as well.

Do you remember the other week?

What do you mean?

Oh, I didn't.

Tut, tut.

I didn't say that.

That's five questions.

You're five left.

What's your favourite favourite country that isn't in the UK?

Brazil.

Have you been there?

No.

What's your favourite podcast?

I'm not going to say, because last time I recommended it, someone gave them a mean review.

Oh, God.

Which I thought was very mean-spirited, considering it's free.

Yeah.

Spread negativity throughout the world in your life.

Top five regrets.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

You're going to need a top five.

fan of the Frank Man.

Podcast idea.

Yeah, regrets.

Top five regrets with John Robbins.

It would be heavy.

Regretopolis.

Yeah.

That would be dark.

Let's do it.

But you know what?

You could do,

you can have that idea if you want.

Thanks.

Well, you're not going to do it, are you?

No.

You're too positive.

I am too positive.

I would probably want to mix it up, maybe two big ones, three bad ones.

So, you know, sort of...

Top five regrets.

Heavy deathbed stuff, but also guffing in a library

in front of you.

Did you just want to do your top one regret?

No.

No.

Yeah.

It kind of broadens out if you offer up more, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Diving.

Next question.

Have you seen the Northern Lights?

Yes, twice.

Okay, did you like it?

Loved it.

Okay.

Wouldn't try to take a photo of it again, though.

Okay.

That's my top advice.

You've got to mess with the settings on your phone.

Well, this was digital camera, not phone.

I wasted the first one trying to get the camera right.

Just enjoy it with your eyes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Store it in in your head.

Remember it with your memory.

You often can't see it with your eyes as much as you can if you do get the.

But then what's the point?

Well, these are the English ones.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I saw them in Iceland, and you can see them with your eyes.

Oh, big time.

Someone who's very safety conscious, have you got a big bucket of sand in your house?

No.

Okay.

Should you?

What's that for?

I don't actually have a fire.

Putting up fires.

I don't actually have a fire extinguisher.

I'll sort that out on the way home.

Good.

You've given me something to do.

Good, good, good, good, good.

I do have a fire alarm, though.

So at least I know the house is burning.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What are you benching?

I'm not telling you, and I hate you.

But I did set a new PB this week.

Oh, well done.

Come on.

Well done.

It's embarrassing.

If he doesn't want to say, let's just let him have the

arms are so long.

He's got long levers.

I've got further to push it.

Yeah.

So what I lose in the bench, I gain in the row.

Yeah.

Were you good at maths at school?

Yes.

Okay.

Was there anything you were bad at at school?

Socializing.

Apart from that?

Yeah.

Good.

A star.

Five A stars, three A's, two B's.

Well done.

Did you?

Yeah.

It was GCSE.

And I was predicted A's in the B's.

In fact, I was a predicted A star for one of the B's, R E, but I generalised about the Jewish faith, Dave.

And they marked me.

Oh, did they mark me down?

Should have been five A stars, four A's.

But you just didn't

dig into the minute shy of the Jewish faith.

I didn't get get involved in nuance.

Yeah.

Well, that's number one in the top five regrets.

When was the last time you played tennis?

Holiday in Barbados.

Okay.

Battader.

Great day.

Two sets to love.

Six games to love.

Six love, six love.

Oh, let's call it there, I think.

Six love, six love, yeah.

Is that all the questions?

I don't know.

I'm not setting the quiz.

I'm enjoying it, though.

How many have I asked?

I think 11.

Yeah.

We've gone over and above and beyond.

Do you think chess is fun?

I am a word game guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't find I can create a sort of chess multiverse.

I don't enjoy it.

Okay.

Chess.

All right.

What body part would you change?

Good one.

Can you make it smaller or bigger?

I would like perfectly clear skin all over my body.

I have a five-pence-sized patch of eczema in the mid-center of my chest.

What an odd...

It's tiny.

5p there.

Yeah, 5p there.

Yeah.

Constantly.

Yeah, well, you put cream on, it goes away for a week, then it comes back and it goes away.

I think I've got dairy intolerance that I've got in later life.

Andrew?

Yeah.

But I'm just going to...

I don't care.

But no one cares about that.

Well, it makes my face go red, as discussed.

What's your earliest memory?

Collecting snails in the garden in a bucket to set free downstreamside walk.

Because I didn't want them to die.

Oh, John.

And then crying because a worm got cut in half.

Oh, fucking John.

How old are you?

18?

Yeah, good.

Good.

I mean, that's filled a good five mins.

Okay, can we go now?

Yeah, we can now, actually.

Brilliant!

Get the ad-rolls.

Yeah, get the bloody ad-rolls.

Get the add-rolls.

And then we can vape.

This podcast is brought to you by our friends at Fuse Energy.

Dave, imagine,

it'd be so funny if Alastair Campbell and Roy Stewart actually had friends at Spuse Energy who they went out like playing football with and stuff and going on scout camp with.

Oh, sorry, gotta take this.

It's one of my mates at Fuse Energy.

Dougie!

Dougie!

Good stuff.

Right.

We will see you on...

Oh,

shiver meat.

Sugars.

Sugar plums.

Now, we were planning something fun, weren't we?

Do we need to talk about that before we record it?

Yeah.

We'll have a little chat about the Bureau.

yeah the bureau dechange of the mind uh is available only on bbc sounds on saturday mornings wake up it's there the bureau like um old saturday morning tv do they still have that What was it?

The 815 from Manchester?

I used to watch that.

That was a song.

Hanger.

Going Live.

Hanger 17.

Hanger 17, which is a mega death song.

Which Mickey Hutton used to present the comedian.

Canadian.

Yeah.

Do you know who sent you?

Agoing live, of course.

A going live.

Classic.

Do you know who sang 815 from Manchester?

No.

In Spiral Carpets.

Was it?

it?

Yeah.

Wow.

I mean, a golden age of Saturday morning TV.

What was the one with the alien who had sort of spikes coming out of his hair?

It was Gross.

He was Gross.

He always had a runny nose.

Oh,

I know who you're thinking of.

Yeah.

It was Gross.

That's going to drive me mad.

I don't know who you two are talking about.

Alien, Spikes, Runny Nose.

Runny nose.

Kids TV,

and I think Roland Ratt was on that show, maybe.

He had a long, almost like an Aunt Eater's nose.

It was horrible.

Gilbert.

Yes!

First hit is Gilbert meets Bross.

That's 80s.

That's the 80s, Dave.

Yeah.

On a program called Get Fresh.

Oh, I remember Get Fresh, yeah.

Well, what a trip down memory lane we've had because we're so blooming young.

And because blossoms fewer fewer than once a month or whatever butcher it joins don't spine it

fewer now that the boss of blossoms bloom for this three month and ten right see you next week bye-bye

At the BBC, we go further so you see clearer.

Through frontline reporting, global stories stories, and local insights, we bring you closer to the world's news as it happens.

And it starts with a subscription to bbc.com, giving you unlimited articles and videos, ad-free podcasts, and the BBC News Channel streaming live 24/7.

Subscribe to Trusted Independent Journalism from the BBC.

Find out more at bbc.com/slash join.

Sups!

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