#421 - Yakat, Clentin Coins and Is It A Long Forest?!

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BBC Sounds, music, radio, podcasts.

Hello, thank you very much for downloading this latest episode of Ellis and John.

And I've got to admit, tension's running high in the studio.

We have had tech problem after tech problem, and I'm never usually the one that says this.

It's always John who says this, but Dave, you're sacked.

Dave sacked.

In fact, this could be a record sacking, apart from the day where I sacked everyone.

Yeah.

But that wasn't actually down to anything anyone had done wrong.

Oh, that was your mood.

Well, no.

And there is legislation against that, isn't it?

No, that was my strategy.

That was my business strategy.

What, being a disruptor?

Yes.

Keep people on their toes to improve efficiency and productivity.

Did I get sacked?

Yes, you did.

Oh, sorry.

And then I rehired you and sacked you again.

Oh, yeah.

He sacked the intern that had been in the room for three minutes.

Who didn't know John?

Who I hadn't said hello to.

And Dave,

that is the ultimate power play.

Yeah.

I don't know who you are.

I don't know what you do.

You're gone.

I've sucked you.

Oh, you're the head.

You're the head of ICI.

Sorry.

Yeah.

I'm the new head of ICI.

Yeah.

Oh, you're the head of the Confederation of British Industries.

Sorry.

And I'm slashing all dividends, Dave.

Oh, no.

It's the one thing they live for.

I hate to add to your list, but my voice does sound strange in my headphones.

But because my voice is in my headphones, I'm just going to sound strange, Dave.

Uh, yeah, there's been a couple of gremlins, hasn't there?

It sounds a little odd in mine as well, but hey, as long as the output of what we're getting on the back end of this, still that means we'll be doing well, do we?

It doesn't even sound like my love life.

Sounds like no one's love life, Dave.

What I mean is, if it sounds good in the podcast, I think we can all just

get on with it and

see how it works out.

Yeah, or we can find who's responsible and sack them.

That's my preferred tactic.

I think it's a risk, Dave.

Those people are quite high up in the company.

I know, but in my headphones, I sound like I'm on commercial radio, Dave.

Hey, Dave, there's nothing wrong with that.

As one of the titans of BBC Sounds, can John sack your boss?

Uh no.

John, I mean, whisper this, Alice, but John can't sack anyone.

Don't tell him, though, because it'd break his little heart.

What are you two talking about?

What's going on there?

What are you two whispering about?

Because careful or you'll be sacked.

Okay, John.

Yeah, it's a little tinny, isn't it?

It is a little tinny, Dave.

It's a little tinny.

New equip in the studio, that's the thing.

Bad equipment in the studio.

Bad equip at the middle.

Did you get some new bad equipment?

Did you go secondhand, Div?

No, we go straight off into Tid.

Yeah.

Do you see this in Facebook Marketplace?

Or Gun Tree?

I am Tinny, Div.

I am Tinny, Dave.

I am Tinny, Dave.

I'm taking my headphones out.

Oh, John's going.

It's too annoying.

Anyway.

Ellis, what are all your anecdotes, please?

Oh, I've had a big week.

Tell me, tell me, tell me.

How to finish my mind

I had to give probiotics to my cats because they got bad tummies oh yeah which isn't very nice but is that just dropping it in a bit of tuna yeah yeah yeah I uh yeah cat for me

does that work for my no but I see what you're it going for yeah but you've been knocked off course by how tinny everything is yeah we can't expect John to be at his best come on

just give me a darn picking second and I'll come up with a cat probiotic part it's time for you to you know, to really get a grip and dig in.

Dig in John.

Uh, probiotics.

Google probiotics holding it.

Because it's now all I can think of is yet.

Oh, Danon.

Danon.

Yeah, I know, but that.

What's the Danon branded one?

Actimil.

Cactimil.

Cat cactimil.

This is bad.

Oh, my God.

I'm going to look up the names of some of the bacterias and I'll see if I can get feedback.

Oh, there's lactiff.

There's that one.

Lacti.

There must be cat stuff in that.

Do what I did to celebrate my birthday.

Keffer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cats have fur.

Carry on.

Yeah.

Izzy took me on a coffee tour of old London.

So we went to the very first coffee shops from the 1600s.

We were taken around, so all in Moorgate, we were taken around by a historian.

That feels good, actually, because coffee and culture in London go hand in hand.

Yeah, yeah.

And you can tell the history of London in a very interesting way through its coffee.

Yes.

Where did Jack the Ripper have a latte?

Stuff like that.

Sort of.

Sort of.

Where did Samuel Pepys have his first mock-up?

Better.

Better.

And I got to taste coffee in a 1600s recipe.

But would it, did the coffee taste like it would have tasted in the 1600s?

Yes, because they don't filter it.

It's very strong, and they make it with mustard, pepper, and crushed eggshells.

It was disgusting.

Tell me what it tasted like.

You think it can't be as bad as everyone's saying it is.

And then it's like drinking hot

caffeinated porridge that's crunchy because of the eggshells with some of the craziest tastes you've ever experienced.

So, why weren't they just using coffee?

They were using coffee, they were just adding other stuff into it.

Why?

Because it was the 1600s and they were all crazy.

But did someone taste coffee on its own and think that's not good enough?

That needs more eggshell.

Yeah,

wow.

And then everyone was like, okay, and then there were queues around the block.

So, anyway, it was really good.

The historian's very charismatic.

He walked us around all of these historic sites in Moorgate.

There was about 20 of us.

I really enjoyed it.

But then he was telling me about sort of coffee culture and the impact it had on trade yeah and i thought to myself the intellectual scene yeah the intellectual scene and i thought there's something weird underfoot and i had stepped in hot bird mess

and it absolutely ruined my trainers and then i was very grumpy for the rest of the tour john but that's not that's a very small

that's not that bad is it no this bird needed probiotics as well oh or it had too many or it had too many because it was a big old splat and it went over new it went over my new trainers over as in all over the bottom bottom of the and on the front as well.

And I was like, Good grief.

This is an emu park.

I was in an alley.

I was in an alley where coffee was drunk 400 years ago, standing on bird mess.

And I've got to be honest, I stopped.

Is that you?

No.

Whoa.

Looks like there's another sacking on the horizon, Alice.

Yeah, we've never sacked John before.

Well, you can't sack me because you're not currently employed by this company because you have been sacked, Dave.

That's just the second verbal warning.

All right, right then well i'm i'm the ombudsman for good content and i'm sacking john well i've called the the ombudsman ahead and i've told them to pre-sack you before your interview of you yeah and how did you do that i called

wow and i said a man is coming to you dressed in a 1970s whale t-shirt that makes him look like he's on a ward yes and

and when he comes Take the warning of the whale's shirt and pre-sack him before the interview.

Well, because John's mentioned the way I'm dressed, I think we should discuss why the three of us are dressed in the way we are dressed.

We are dressed.

Well, hang on, hang on.

How are we doing it?

Let's have a little bit of pomp and circumstance.

We've had an email from Marion.

Marion?

Marion.

Name of my chemistry teacher.

And Marion says, Hello, you content champions.

I know I've only contacted you quite recently.

I sent chocolate for the Bureau de Change of the Mind, which, given how sad it makes John, I now regret.

Marion, let me assure you,

the down,

the four-hour down, is worth it for the 18-second high.

Is it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dave, you've got to chase that dragon

with its chocolatey kiss.

But I had to comment on Ellis's World Book Day rant.

Unlike Ellis, I love an excuse to dress up and was quite up for creating costumes, despite an almost total lack of artistic talent.

However, one particular year at my children's school nearly broke me.

I had three children and over the course of the year I had to provide 21 costumes.

Crazy.

Crazy.

Admittedly.

That's too many.

My woes were not helped by my second child who was never content to go for the basic option.

Great Fire of London Day?

Go as a peasant.

Not on your nelly.

I want to be Samuel Pepys.

Ancient Egypt?

Go as a mummy.

Please?

No.

King Tutan Kamoon.

Oh, nice.

The themes that year ranged far and wide.

Amongst others, we had Cinema Day, the ones I mentioned earlier, and then this completely secular primary school decided we should have Easter Bonnet Day.

As someone who's gone to church all my life, even I had never heard of that.

But I had to find three flipping hats and stick a random selection of twigs, Easter eggs, and rabbits to them.

I was quite tempted to take my revenge with a graphically realistic portrayal of the crucifixion.

As that's what Easter is really about.

But both my nerve and artistic ability failed me.

It would be good to go in a Passion of the Christ bonnet.

Yes.

Surely.

I thought that that must be it, but no.

Come April, home they trotted with letters telling us that to mark an anniversary of Shakespeare, still not quite sure which one, each child should go as their favourite Shakespearean character.

I, like John, am English graduate, but I have to be honest and admit that I had not managed to get my five-year-old, or even the elder two, to have any opinion on Shakespeare whatsoever.

My reaction to that letter was quite similar to Ellis's about dress-up days in general, and my only tip to him, in conjunction with John's wise advice to put a reminder on his calendar, is just to throw some money at the problem.

Many thanks for your entertaining and not infrequently moving content.

It's actually Myrion.

Myrion.

Which I've not heard that name before, so I don't know where Myrion is from.

So 21 costumes in...

I mean, how do you make a five-year-old look like a Shakespearean character?

What a waste of time.

They don't know that they're, I don't know, Shylock.

No.

Or

Miranda.

But at Edinburgh, I once saw

at Sea Venus, it was a production of Othello, but set in Shoreditch in the 2000s.

So then you just say, yeah, well, I'm, you know, I'm a character from a different interpretation of Shakespeare, set in Shoreditch in the 2000s, and they dressed him in modern clothing.

That's a very good idea, actually.

Yeah.

Yeah, you could just go as a modern-day child in a modern-day production of a Shakespeare play with lots of children in it.

Exactly.

Of which I can't think of any

apart from the deceased daughter of the queen in King John.

Okay.

Is that the only child in Shakespeare?

I can't think of any children in Shakespeare's street.

Romeo and Juliet are young.

No, they're not kids.

Oh, well, they might be teenagers, Dave.

Yeah.

Midsummer Night's Dream or any of them kids?

I can't remember.

Richard III, kids in the tower.

Anyway, it doesn't matter.

It's all quite bleak.

Yes, yes.

So, Dave, because Dave's a blimming good laugh,

said that we should wear funcy.

That was my great idea.

Yeah, don't throw me as a blimming good laugh.

I'm a great laugh, aren't I?

Dave.

You're a great laugh.

Sure.

I maybe forced it over the line the following week just to make sure we did return to that idea, that great idea of yours.

And what was the great idea, John?

The great idea was that today is obviously a number of different world days.

So we are going to show solidarity with the mums and dads out there being forced to dress up their kids every week by dressing up.

And I've done it.

Ellis has come dressed as Mark Hughes from 1983.

Absolutely.

You're spot on.

This is.

When I think of Mark Hughes, I think of him in this trucksuit top.

So, can I explain my

choice?

Yeah, because you're coming up dressed as National Forest Day.

National Forest Day.

International Day of Forests, John.

Sorry, Day.

It's not just National.

This is the iconic Umbral Wales trucksuit top from 1990,

which was the Christmas tree kit.

Where do Christmas trees live?

He's done it.

Forest.

By Jove, he's done it.

I'm not sure he has done it.

I haven't finished yet.

I haven't finished, right?

So the Wales Away kit from this era, which the tracks it went with, was the famous Wales Away Christmas tree kit.

Christmas trees, trees and tree.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that's

the same design.

So that's a Christmas tree umbro design.

Okay.

I've not got a problem with you, but...

I've got a problem with him, Dave.

I haven't finished yet.

I've got a problem with whoever's decided that it looks like a Christmas tree because it doesn't look like a Christmas tree.

I haven't finished yet.

Well, I hope what you're finishing with looks something like a tree.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, will you let me finish?

I hate you.

I hate dressing you up and I hate you.

This is a tough day for us.

It's a tough day for you.

It's a tough day for you.

I just got to go on the tube like this.

I mean, you would have been on the tube like that anyway.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I got hot on the tube, and I'm about to do my big reveal.

Okay, good.

Make sure you get this, Izzy.

I'm wearing brown trousers, like the trunk of a tree.

Because where are trees found in forests?

The trunk of a tree is its trousers.

The trunk of a tree is its trousers, absolutely.

Well, what else?

What other part is he going to be?

Willie.

So.

Because all trees wear Adidas Sambas on their feet, don't they?

The roots, Dave.

They are my roots.

But Adidas Sbas.

They create a network which Ellis draws his sustenance from.

Yes.

This is that I eat through my feet.

Which is why they're covered in bird masks.

Yes.

So,

I have got brown trousers on, the umbral Christmas tree trucksuit top from 1990, which is iconic, but it doesn't end there.

What's this?

Oh!

Yes!

So, wow.

The triple.

Talk the listeners through.

I'm wearing a green t-shirt which represents leaves, but both kinds of tree.

Because this t-shirt being green, that represents evergreen.

And the leaves I've sellotipped to my top, they represent decidious trees because they will come off during the course of the show.

And they're from a hibiscus, two of those.

They're from my front garden.

From your front garden?

Yeah.

I wore this on the tube.

Yeah, but and that's why you wore the other top so that no one saw you wearing that.

Yeah, and then I got very hot because I was wearing sweat patches.

That's good, man.

So I feel.

like he doesn't end there.

Wow, he's in.

There are 11 forests in Wales that have Wikipedia pages.

So there are 11 leaves to represent each forest that has a Wikipedia page.

Oh, man, this is good stuff.

No one has celebrated International Day of Forests to this extent before.

No one.

You're paving new ground.

Well, there was a news story today that they're planting 20 million trees.

Yeah, so on the tube, everyone was like, that's what he's celebrating.

There's not a right-minded individual alive who wouldn't look at me and think, he's celebrating International Day of Trees today.

If Rory Stewart met you today, who's long, long been lobbying for the National Forest,

he would shake you by the hand.

Yes, and he'd say, ah.

He'd do a quick explainer on your t-shirt.

This t-shirt's over 20 years old.

Is it?

It's from the Green Man Festival of

2006, maybe?

Because I worked at Green Man that year.

Ellis,

you've really committed and I love it.

I love it.

If you turned up to school wearing that, no one would think your parents had helped you.

No, no, no.

Which is great because that's what you want them to do.

Well, I saw Crosby on the tube and he said the colours make me look like I look like Shaggy.

Because he's doing a bit like Shaggy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes.

A green t-shirt and brown cords.

You look like you are trying to hide in the TAs, but

you ran out of time.

Yeah, I'm under fire and I've had to improvise.

They're firing blanks at you.

Yes.

You've had about

50 centimeters of seller tape in your backpack.

Yeah, yeah.

You've managed to camouflage half of each peck.

Yeah, I've decided I don't actually like being in the army at the weekend.

No, god.

And I wish I was going on coffee tours and standing on hot bird mess instead.

Dave, so you've you what day?

So Ellis is celebrating the National Day of the Forest.

Yeah.

What are you celebrating, Dave?

Have I got time f to

what run out and buy a costume?

No, I've got a few little things up my sleeve.

You're just wearing a t-shirt.

Would you want me to do my costume?

I think maybe you do yours.

I think maybe I'll finish.

But so yeah, John, what's the day for you?

Ah!

Have you ever heard the phrase

poets look plain?

No.

Have you ever heard the phrase

go-go glaciers?

No.

No, because I've just invented it now because I'm an ideas machine and I care about this nation's glaciers, which have all melted due to the temperatures and therefore the world's glaciers.

Okay.

So I'm going to put my costume on now, Dave, if that's okay.

So John's celebrating World Day for Glaciers.

I thought he was

celebrating World Poetry Day.

No, that's this guy.

Oh, that's you.

We've never been more sense of the day.

I feel like we're on heart.

I don't know if heart is celebrating World Day for glaciers.

What is this?

Save.

Careful, John.

I am now broadcasting from within a glacier.

Yeah, you are.

And I have to tell you, it's pretty hot in here.

Yeah.

And that is a concern because of

the decrease in salt content of the oceans.

Yeah.

I could crack off at any point

as in I could break free.

Same is transparent.

Were I to break free, were I to carve Dave, as they call it, I could float on the

what's that hot water stretch that goes up the Bristol Channel?

The Gulf Stream.

The Gulf Stream, Dave, and I could destroy Newport.

We don't recommend this, I would say, because there's lack of breathability in this plastic bag that John's put over his head.

Well, Dave,

when the world is choking, maybe people will pay attention to the plight of our glaciers.

CO2 is a lack of breathability, if you ask me.

Yes, it's all part of the same problem.

It's just that this would have needed a risk assessment if we were still in the BBC studios.

Luckily, Dave, we're not at the BBC Studios.

No.

Because we'd have walked through so much red tape that I would have actually choked to death on the red tape.

So, yes.

Where did you get your big plastic bag from?

Where did I get my big plastic bag from?

That's a really good representation of a glacier.

Yeah.

I got it from the bin by the door of the studio.

That's

it.

No, because luckily the cleaners keep spare bin bags under the bin bag that's in use, like they do in classy hotels and some travel lodges.

That's a risky move.

So what were you going to do if you hadn't found an iceberg-coloured iceberg-coloured glacier bag next to the bin in the studio?

I would have improvised even better, Dave.

Interesting.

He didn't have anything planned.

You are a lucky so-and-so.

You've landed on your feet, haven't you?

Because

it's good.

Well, you will have a job to land on your feet if all the glaciers melt, Dave, because sea levels will rise and we will drown.

When I walked in to the studio, John was rummaging around in the bins, and I thought he'd lost something.

Looking for more chocolate.

Yeah, looking for chocolate.

No, he won't look.

How long are we wearing our costumes for, Dave?

Because I'm currently

a bunhouse bass.

Frustratingly, after this show, I'm going to Cardiff, so I will be dressed like a forest

on a commuter trip.

I'm going to start sweating through my new top, and I've got to go to a party later, Dave.

Listen, I think we're going to cut to Adrian for a little chat, aren't we?

And then maybe we could come back to see what we've got.

You can't chat to Adrian inside a bin bag, Dave.

Unless he's doing a feature on the nation's attitude to recycling.

Well, he might be doing a feature on World Glacier Day.

You never know.

If he is, he's run out of ideas.

And Adrian is the one man on earth who has never run out of ideas.

He's not.

He's not.

Yeah, take it off.

Take it off, mate.

You've both done really well.

Well, what about your costume, Dave?

Well, we do have to go to Adrian.

Okay, here's dear Adrian then.

And then I'll come back with my little surprise.

Did I look like a Glacier Dave?

Yeah, you did.

I think it was like the it's the right colour.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So what were you going to do?

Just have a nice shot.

I just completely forgot.

Yeah.

Another bit of news that caught my eye today.

More than 20 million trees will be planted and 2,500 hectares of new woodland created in the west of England as part of a

national forest drive.

Savita Wilmot, he's is chief executive of the Natural History Consortium, which he led the bid with the forest of Avon.

When it's finished,

how far will you be able to walk without breaking tree cover in this forest from one end to the other?

Yeah, so overall, we're going to plant 2,500 hectares of trees.

We've got five priority areas.

So, you know, from the kind of Cotswolds, Mendips around some of the urban centers.

But we're hoping to create, yeah, some really amazing recreational and large forests.

But it'll be one long forest, will it?

It's going to be kind of five priority areas.

No, it's not kind of one big square of a forest.

It's really about kind of creating borders between existing woodlands and spaces.

Okay.

All right.

Thanks.

Thanks very much indeed.

Savita Wilmot from the Natural History Consortium.

We've got Ellis and John coming up a little bit later.

How are you?

How are you?

You really led her off the hook there, Adrian.

Oh, I did.

You had her pinned and wriggling and you is it going to be a long forest?

I want to

be a long forest.

Is it going to be really long?

I have this idea of being able to.

Is it a long forest?

Is it a long forest?

Is it a long forest?

Is it a long forest?

Is it a long forest?

Yeah,

could have been your Patsman Moogie.

Yeah.

Sorry, she wouldn't wonder what she got into there.

And I say the idea of climbing a tree at one end and see if you can get right to the other end of the the forest without getting off the, you know, with just clambering from tree to tree like

some kind of ape.

Well, this is what they say about sort of the 12th and 13th century Britain, is that you could get from London to Nottingham if you were a squirrel without touching the ground.

And I think you should have said it to her like that, Adrian.

Could a squirrel get from Taunton to Chanton without touching the ground?

It's a simple question.

I'm going to ask you one of the three of you a question.

Have you ever met anybody who was born on precisely the same day as you?

Obviously, the date, but also the year.

No, I've got friends who are like two days out.

Good question.

I shared a birthday with Mark Hughes and Lulu.

Yeah, a different year, so.

I've always met him.

I think Rory McElroy, potentially.

Exactly the same day.

It's just my birthday today.

Oh, happy birthday, Adrian.

I don't particularly celebrate on birthday, but I would like to meet somebody who would, I'd like to meet somebody who was born on the 21st of March, 1967.

I've got a friend born the day after me, I was at university with, another university friend who was born the day after that, the 23rd.

Hello, Claire and Tony.

And there was a lad called Jeremy I've lost touch with who was born on the 24th, I believe.

I've never found anybody actually on the day.

So Rory McElroy is seven years younger than me.

That's

that's a blow.

That is a blow.

Anyway, so you were born the same year as Sergeant Pepp was released.

Yes.

That's

if you look very carefully.

If you look very carefully at that famous cover,

you kind of spot me in there.

So are you getting people to phone in if it's their birthday today?

How old are you today, Adrian?

I am whatever

2025 is.

minus 1967.

Well now, how old are you?

It's 58.

Oh, 58 years young age and as relevant as old as a conquer tree.

You are more relevant than everyone on TikTok put together.

Oh, I don't know about that.

What's been your best present so far?

I went to see a musical last night.

I went to see Oliver.

Doesn't feel like a present.

No, it was actually.

I asked for it and I got it.

And the fella playing Fagan was absolutely showstopping.

But that was

harmless enough, wasn't it?

Did you get recognised where you sat with the proles?

Well, I wouldn't say proles.

I wouldn't put it like that.

I was sitting next to

Ivor Badil, David Bediel's brother, who turned out to be a very charming man.

It was good to see him.

So we watched the first half of Oliver, had a jolly good talk about football for 15 minutes while I ate an ice cream and then got on with the second half.

Perfect, perfect pre-birthday night.

That does sound good.

And what's the plan for tonight, Big Swig?

Oh, I don't know about that.

I'm meeting some friends for a good black country night out.

Yes, you're gonna get absolutely mashed.

Hey, nod approvingly.

That's what I like.

Gentlemen, I look forward to hearing you from

one o'clock, Ellison.

Happy birthday, dear.

Thank you, thank you very much indeed.

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ServePro, like it never even happened.

Oh, Adrian there, dad's birthday.

And we all rushed up to his bed this morning, didn't we?

And jumped up and down.

He said, Bloody, get off your bloody boys.

Don't I try and have a cup of tea in here?

Someone get me a cup of tea so strong that a spoon stands up on end.

Yeah.

I'll get tea on the duva if you stop, if you start jumping up and down.

But it's back to celebrating other great things across the globe.

When's Adrian Child's Day?

Oh, I love that.

So I'm dressed as a glacier.

Ellis is dressed as a forest, Dave.

And Adrian was chatting about forests, weren't we?

Maybe we'll put Ellis in between Barclay and Stroud.

Oh, yeah.

And he can be part of the national forest by standing very still for a thousand years.

I could become part of Stroud's ecosystem by just gently decomposing into the soil.

But Dave, what day are you celebrating?

So we've done International Day for Forests.

World Day for Glaciers.

At the moment, Dave, it looks like you're celebrating World Day for Dave, the producer.

Yeah.

World Dave Musterman.

World Subtle Branding Day.

There was never

a firm stipulation that I did have to join in, but I bloody well have.

Great.

Because it's important.

The BBC aren't going to show this unless I cut myself a little mouth hole, are they?

Yeah, probably not.

I've got a hole in the roof, though, haven't I, Dave?

But the hole in the roof is kind of sucked off.

Sucked.

Oh, good grief.

What is wrong with us today?

It's kind of covered up with your head.

There we go.

Oh, Miki!

Come and give me a Naswed lickery kiss!

What's that from?

I'm not looking and I don't know.

Oh, Miki!

Come and give me Naswed Lickery Kiss.

Is it like something like the Goonies?

Yes!

It's the Goonies!

Whoa, that was a guess!

Well, you shouldn't...

I've seen that film a hundred times.

I've not seen that film nearly enough, actually.

So, the other day that we said we're going to celebrate today

is International Poetry Day.

Ah, yes.

Is it International?

World Poetry Day.

So there's a couple of things.

First of all, I'm actually going to poke my head out, Dave.

Your go very flat.

Has it?

Yeah.

I want to look cool when I'm dressed as a glacier.

You're all the glacier babe.

God forbid.

The glacier babe.

When can I put my

trucksuit top back on that makes me look like I live on a ward?

No, we're wearing our costumes, aren't we?

So, Dave.

Well, have you written a poem?

What better way to celebrate poetry day rather than just dress like a poet is to be a blooming poet?

Oh,

Dave, you're getting the gold star on the classroom walls.

The biggest star that I'm getting just dipping 11 leaves to my chest.

Jay's written his poem he's written himself.

The 11 forests.

I might.

Penned another big poem.

And it's in Dave's big book of poetry.

And

as a nod to a contemporary poet, I thought I'd be Tim Key because he always wears caps, doesn't he?

Tim Key.

That's that is

that's didn't need it, did I?

That's threadbare.

I went to the charity shop.

Yeah, it's a lot of fun.

I'm not sure I'm giving you that, Dave.

I've written a poem.

He often wears trucksuit tops.

You can borrow my trucksuit top.

I'm happy with the cap.

It's a Tim Key cap.

It's not a Tim Key cap, and he doesn't wear caps on stage.

He wears them in the pub.

I think I've just seen one picture of him.

Yeah.

I think your WhatsApp has him wearing caps.

He's wearing a cap.

Yes.

In your WhatsApp proof of foot of Tim is then you're going to be a little bit more.

I've got the cap I'm wearing next to Tim Key here.

That's what I was thinking.

So

you can put that on.

So Tim Key doesn't wear caps.

Oh my god.

He does wear caps in the streets.

Yeah.

John has got his brewery cap with him.

We're pathetic.

You're a mathematician.

I'm a glacier.

Wait until all the glacier babes and brewery gals get up like this.

A glacier in a brewery cap and a man who's wearing a tracksuit top from 1990 that makes him look like he lives on a ward.

And well, don't forget the leaves that are selling.

And the leaves that are selling tips, my top.

I've written a poem.

Come on then.

I'm not going to tell you what it's about.

Do we have to guess?

No, you will understand as we make our way through the poem, but I think it's fitting, it's timely.

It's got to touch a cross-promotion in, cuff me.

So I believe it'll go down that way.

No, no, he should have done that.

Okay, here we go.

One last outing.

I don't know how many more poems I've got in me.

I kind of feel like I'm jumping the shark at this point, but I'm going to go for it anyway.

That's not what jumping the shark.

No, I know it's not.

Everyone uses jumping the shark wrong.

No, it's not far off.

No, it is.

It is.

That's not far off.

You mean over-egging the pudding?

Yeah, that means jumping the shark.

It's just happy days.

An international buffet, exchanging culture, language, and tender.

The digital doors swing open once a week with stronger accents than Sam Fender.

Oh, nice.

That is good.

South Africa, New Zealand, generic Eastern Europe, a weekly treat for the BBC.

Why the feature only lasts for up to 12 minutes is a mystery to me.

Not me.

40 hits of bite-sized fun, a producer fearful for his tenure.

Maybe we should just read some emails, he says, but no, it seems we're heading to Kenya.

Interesting dialect, worldwide parlance, characters confusing to some.

This contentious content is raising the odd eyebrow, much like John's poor bum.

So every Saturday morning, the shutters are raised, the only exchange point in town.

Apart from when sounds get a bit nervous and ask us to take it down.

15 weeks in, we go again.

The verticals have aligned.

So open your wallets and open your hearts

for the Bureau de Change

of the Mind.

Hey,

very

good day.

Thank you.

Yes, very good.

So that's my International Poetry Day contribution.

National Poetry, International Poetry Day.

And of course, Bureau de Change of the Mind is exclusively only available on BBC Sounds every Saturday morning.

Very good.

And who knows where it'll be this week, Dave?

Who knows where we end up this week?

Kenya, maybe.

No.

No, no, no.

No.

Good.

And you know what?

I think we've covered the day brilliantly.

What's next Friday?

Dear again.

Are we doing this every week?

Yeah, every week now.

28th of March.

Two of them will be serious, Dave.

Be careful.

There's nothing on the dock that I'm on.

Awareness Days, 28th of March.

What do we got?

It's Wear a Hat Day next

day.

Oh, you've got yourself covered for that now.

What's it in that in aid of?

That's in aid of a charity.

That's different to an international day, isn't it?

It's a bit wackier, isn't it?

Yeah, it's...

Do you know what?

Well-meaning, actually.

wear a hat day is a fun and engaging awareness event designed to raise funds for brain tumor research and to support those affected by brain tumors well it's hats next week i think it's hats all round isn't it it's hats all round are we gonna do this is this a new feature

we can't do it every week why not well we could it just can't take over

i hate it that's why i feel diminished

I feel embarrassed and diminished and I feel weak.

This is the most creative thing you've ever done.

You, Dave.

Right then, if we're going to have International Rudeness Day, then it's time to take off our costumes, isn't it, Dave?

It is.

Ellis has got a little bit grumpy before his bedtime.

But from one

trailblazing feature to another, I believe, because, of course, this is a celebration of sorts, isn't it?

For a big anniversary, for a big boy.

Yes, it is.

About six months ago, we realized that

it was the 20th anniversary of John's first ever stand-up show, which I think we can all agree is a

truly,

truly significant day for world culture.

Well, it changed the face of comedy for a day 12 years later.

Yes, yes, it did.

And so, to celebrate that tumultuous, significant event of the last four weeks, I have been presenting John Robbins, This is Your Stand-Up Life.

As we enter the final chapter of John Robbins' This Is Your Stand-up Life, the John we see today has become the complete comedian.

Whether it's been too tired to broadcast because he's had a bit of tiffin, or MC some of the biggest comedy venues in Britain with his wilfully dull, narrow icebreakers, Not my words, the words of Chautauqua Steve Bennett.

I remember that review.

John

is a comedian with the world at his feet.

But how did we get here?

That was when I asked a guy whether the truck he drove was a flatbed truck or an articulated truck.

He was at the Greenwich Comedy Festival.

It was freezing.

Yeah, one of the COVID gigs.

John version 3.0 is the one most listeners were introduced to.

John Robbins version 1.0, sombre material about corpses and trips of the osteopath, and John Robbins' version 2.0, so camp it made Alan Carr look like Clint Eastwood, were jettisoned in 2014, but the kind of comedian we know and love today.

But what facilitated this creative change?

Just prior to 2014, John was still chipping away in Edinburgh, but his assault on comedy's mainstream was hand-strung by being skint and only being able to afford three posters, one of which was situated behind some bins.

And this made his time at the world's biggest arts festival difficult to negotiate.

Here's a message from a cherished friend who was with John during these treasured moments.

I remember where I was when I met Robbins.

I was in the street in Edinburgh, maybe 20 years ago, and John Richardson introduced us.

And I remember thinking, this is the most charismatic, funny person I've ever met.

And

he would do this off-stage character called Clentin Coins.

I don't think I ever saw him do it on stage.

I think it was just for his own amusement.

And

he would sort of

ad lib

saucy one-liners that didn't make any sense.

So you'd say,

oh, Robbins, would you like a cup of tea?

And he'd go, oh, I'd rather have coffee.

It still worked because of how funny he was.

He still is.

And then I did a show called Fordy's Lock-In, which was a late-night comedy chat show in the caves in Edinburgh.

And that was, it would often start at midnight, and you'd have comedians on who were drunk.

And John was the barman, so it was set in John's bar.

And John, this was before he'd got into cannes,

and then

went off canns.

But he was drinking rosé at the time, and

he would get stuck in, and he would.

I guess, you know, it was lots of young comedians late at night drinking on stage.

So it had,

if not a lairy edge it was kind of you know it was certainly not professional but john was quite um maudlin i mean you'd get through a bottle of rose and he'd he'd go through all the emotions with that bottle and um

it was quite unusual really because you you a show like that you might presume that the barman would be rowdy or rambunctious but he he

he was quite melancholic

but i remember just thinking my god what a guy And we shared a flat together, at least one Edinburgh.

I would have to give him pep talks.

I seem to remember this.

And I thought, man, your career is so good.

You know, he was so respected,

was clearly going places.

And I just thought, man, you've got to learn to enjoy this a bit because you're talented, you're well thought of, you're going to do well.

And he has.

To John and Clinton Coins.

I wish he'd done Clinton Coins on stage i remember i remember clinton coins

oh i'd rather have coffee do you want to just say who that was because it's a lovely message that was a message from matt ford of course yeah clinton coins

Do you ever think about getting Clinton coins out?

I haven't thought about Clinton coins for decades.

What's the name?

I thought you were saying

Clinton?

Yeah.

Is that a name?

It was based on on Max, a sort of Max Miller

Larry Grayson hybrid.

Yes, very funny.

40, of course, was there as John began to attempt to realise his talent.

As it happens, John still hasn't achieved mainstream success, but at least he now performs in venues that don't leak rainwater onto the back road.

Correct.

But what was the thing that caused this upturn in fortunes?

A phrase that is as integral to John's career as egg whites are to Vin Diesel.

Commercial digital indie radio.

In February 2014, XFM, as Radio X was then known, allowed John and I to broadcast the show on Sunday mornings.

Rather than trying to squeeze himself into a format of other people's making, Radio X allowed John to be robbins and leashed.

Three hours every Sunday that allowed a curious audience to grow to like him, running the whole gamut of emotions John can make you feel with his comedy, with listeners finding him simultaneously curious, quirky, unsettling, haunting, and wise.

Before chance would be accepting during some of his bigger honé tantrums that John was on a journey.

Robbie's Unleashed didn't just create great content for a radio audience that stretched from London to Glasgow as long as you ignored the big parts of Britain that were in between.

It did that thing that John had always craved.

It gave him an audience of Edinburgh.

By 2017, John was firmly on everyone's lists of people to watch at the Edinburgh Festival.

The camp John of old was a thing of the past, and he was now settling into his more thoughtful, philosophical on-stage persona.

Reviews during this period didn't explicitly mention words such as soothsayer or sage, meaning profoundly wise person off the herb.

It was just implicit.

But a set of circumstances beyond his control would lead this new, creatively revitalized Robbins to invent a new kind of comedy.

A kind of comedy that would lead him to glory and to share rewards.

Some referred to the comedy of Robbins 4.0 as poignant, moving, dark, and hilarious.

I referred to it on the radio as comedy with a cynical inclusion of emotional heft.

And then, in a private WhatsApp group, I described him as having invented, oh, boo-hoo, my bird has left me comedy.

Whatever it was, it defied definition, apart from the three I've just given.

After winning the Edinburgh Comedy Award with his show The Darkness of Robins, the offers just kept coming in for John.

Hot off the heels of his success, John said a big yes to beat the internet, an internet-based quiz show and UK digital TV channel Dave.

In comparison with the subject matter covered in The Darkness of Robins, it was tonally a 180.

But John poured over the offer with his agent before deciding that it was the best one of one.

After Beat the Internet was cancelled because TV bosses decided it was impossible to capture lightning in a bottle, so why bother trying?

Seven years later, John continued to ride the roller coaster of his edinburgh award winning success by doing an online campaign for costa in which he invited customers to rename their hot milkshake range

hot milkshake has always been a passion of john's

And if you can turn your passion into your job, you'll never work another chain your life.

I enjoyed that.

I

The Costa Hot Milkshake Range brought to you by John Robbins.

I am, of course, being trite.

Hot milkshakers always are to compete with John's passion for comedy.

I don't know if they still make it.

I don't know.

The recognition winning the 2017 Edinburgh Comedy Award for the Darkness of Robins gave John a platform and an audience who wanted to be challenged with material that covered everything from charges to alcoholism, from lentil storage techniques to depression.

The reviews for Robin's version 4.0 were glowing, poignant, moving, profound, hilarious.

Hands down the best bit about dehumidifiers at this festival.

On the line, we have someone who's been more than just a friend to John.

A muse, a confidant, the yin to his young, the jeeves to his demoralised wuss.

Fellow comedian, Blue Sanders.

Hello.

Oh, hello.

Oh, hello, dearie.

How are you doing?

Yeah, good.

Thanks.

Really enjoyed that.

Lovely.

It's good for fun, isn't it?

What's your favourite kind of hot milkshake?

Yeah.

Well, all of them.

You know, when you've got a gift that good.

Is John dying?

Is this why we call it?

It does feel like that.

Yeah, when he does die,

the papers can just lift the orbits straight from his this is your standard life.

John does save on the admin, actually, yeah.

It does, yeah.

How are you, Lou?

What are your earliest memories of John out of curiosity?

Well, it's good to gig with John because he demands pizza on the rider and he makes some big he swings it about and makes some big demands and then suddenly we all get free pizza so it's terrific.

He lets me know what people are on bracket wage wise so I agree.

It's it's really good actually.

Yeah and he stopped doing that thing in the green room where he turns the atmosphere black.

A real testament to how much he's grown.

He's a lot of fun.

He's a joy backstage rather than sort of vaping in the corner in

a smoke of his own.

Yes.

Yeah, complaining that he's on less money than Rob Beckett.

That John has gone.

I think he probably does complain in his life.

Rob Beckett has the common touch.

He does.

I can't say that I've got the common touch and you've got to pay for that touch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's so funny, Rob Beckett.

Do you remember when you first met John Aloum?

Do I know?

Actually, do you know what?

I think it was when

one of his

where he got together with a girl and that's the first I sort of knew of him because I was friends with one of the girls he got together with and

she introduced me to him.

You came to me.

Yeah, I do remember coming round, and you had a series of pranks planned, and it was really good stuff.

It was a prankster, you know, that at least.

Yeah, I came out to write with Sarah Pasco, and he had, um,

yeah, it was like

three different pranks all set up, and it was killer, killer, killer, no filler.

It was really good.

Yeah, hard to write after that when you've been presented with some of the best pranks you can do in one house.

Do you remember what the pranks were?

I think it was me running into a room and going, pranks!

There was some cup-based prank.

Oh, yeah, I do a lot of cup work with my cup.

And that led to the hot milkshake offered.

This guy, he's great with cups.

It all makes sense, doesn't it?

Yeah.

I think he was in a dressing gown and there might have been a flashing or something.

Oh, that's not true.

That didn't happen.

Thank you.

That's not true.

That's not true.

That is not true.

I will start that rumour and I will stop it immediately.

Because that's how rumours work famously, don't they?

Yes, you can just get out there and end the rumour straight to it.

Well, thank you very much, Lou, for being the final guest on John Robbins's This Is Your Stand of Life.

Have you got any messages to commemorate

in the business?

He is a confidant.

I love to phone him for advice, not just on cars, on the UK comedy scene and beyond.

I'm talking about Northern Ireland.

And

just sort of, yeah, get his take on stuff on material and

like cookers.

It is mainly comedy, material, and cookers are my key areas.

Also, Dick, I'll see you later.

I don't want to go too deep there.

Sorry about that.

That's all right.

Look, when you're a confidante, there are deep rivers that run between two confidants, some deeper than cookers, some about the same level as UK comedy.

But I will see you later, but I might not be able to make it to Luke's house before, so I might just see you at the pub.

Okay, lovely.

Well,

keep up the good work.

Don't ever stop gigging.

That would be a real loss to the circuit, and I mean that.

That's very kind of you to say, but Project 2032 continues at full pace.

Well, actually,

you've trumpled on my final line, John.

Thank you very much, Lou.

Here's to another 20 years of John's stand-up, although his continued references to Project 2032, his attempt to retire at the age of 50, has made it quite clear that he doesn't want that to happen.

There we go.

That's very kind of you.

What a journey it's been.

Wow.

What lovely voices we've heard.

Lovely voices.

And Alice, what a lovely collection of

really kind words about your good friend.

Because you put a lot of work into that.

Yeah.

That was a lot of work over the last four years.

Don't look at me like I need to say thank you again.

Mummy worked really hard on this costume you're gonna say thank you to mummy

oh you're being shy now aren't you good at this well done thank you very much that was lovely what a treat

well what a lovely way to end the show thank you so much for listening uh everyone also we should say check out lo's new podcast a sidekick told us to do it yes colon a podcast in a sauna yeah yes but don't search for the second title search for the first title and she records a podcast in a sauna with her friend george and do check out John's new podcast, oh coffee with Clanton Coins.

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Sups!

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We the man to be home!

Winner best score!

We the man to be seen!

Winner best book!

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.