#420 - Cheek Not Filth, World Beaker People Day and Apple Crumble Designed For Three

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BBC Sounds, music, radio, podcasts.

Hello listeners, you're listening to Ellis and John, and certainly for the time being, we are two pillars of the BBC's output, as integral to Five Live as Stonehenge is to the economy of nearby Ainsbury.

I'm able to be so confident with my tone because I recently bumped into BBC Director General Tim Davey.

He was in River Island,

desperately looking for a pair of jeans with pockets big enough to fit his favourite book of military blunders.

I could sense Tim was extremely agitated as he had three open, sucked, but only partially finished calippos in his hand.

Multiple unfinished calippos is always the sign of a fretful mind for Tim.

What's up, I said, thinking I might point him towards a next or even a black's, the outdoor equipment shop for trousers with really big pockets, maybe even a waterproof bumbag.

His answer was extremely surprising.

Oh my god, Ellis, he exclaimed.

Have you heard about this new thing called AI?

I've just been to to a conference on it.

It is absolutely mad.

I paused, feeling a bit confused.

AI's been around for years, I said.

How have you only just heard about it?

At this point, Tim looked bashful as he tried unsuccessfully to squeeze his military blunders book into a pair of blue geometric print swim shorts on a hanger.

Well, whenever I see it written down, I always thought people were discussing the A1.

Because I don't drive down Peterborough very often, I just switch off, just wouldn't listen.

Whenever people said it out loud, I seen they're being light-hearted and doing a Geordie voice.

Right, right, I said.

Fair enough.

I suppose AI

might not be all that bad, continued Tim.

I suppose there's no need to use a poop scoop if you own an AI robo-dog.

Were robo-dogs discussed at the conference?

I asked.

No, sighed Tim.

I'm catastrophizing.

I'm hypothesizing.

I need to commit to one of these Calippozelis.

I need to calm down.

I needed to soothe the Director General, as a wary security guard was staring at us, hovering next to the brunch day with the girls' outfits.

What are you so worried about?

I asked him gently.

Oh, I hate to have to start sucking presenters because of AI, he said.

I once pointed out an errant apostrophe when I was editing the student newspaper, and the feeling of confrontation made me guff.

I had to work quickly.

Tim, if I suggested the following radio text topics to you, do you think they would work?

What about what would you change about Showergel?

Could you explain QR codes to Anne Boleyn?

As poet laureate, should Simon Armitage write about the Boots Meal deal?

Have you ever lent a strummer to someone with an MBE?

Tim looked horrified.

Oh, no chance.

Well, I said, triumphant in tone, these are all text topics Adrian Chiles used on today's show and people loved it.

Wow, said Tim, his eyes widening with understanding.

No robot could ever come up with that.

What would a robot come up with?

What would you change about toast?

Ah, I said that was actually one of Matt Chorley's.

The colour was coming back into Tim's cheeks.

I sensed that I could raise his spirits for good.

What would I tell you if I said that a presenter on Five Live gets sad when he doesn't have cakes and then gloomy after he's eaten one and he does absolutely nothing to hide these feelings when he's on air?

Tim looked confused.

What would I tell you if I said that a presenter on Five Live occasionally starts podcasts by saying if you've got anything fun planned for today's show, I should warn you by saying I'm not in the mood.

Tim said, well, I'd say that breaks all the cardinal rules of broadcasting.

Well, I said excitedly, that presenter is John Robbins.

And not only is our podcast appointment listening for some of the world's most influential people, according to the BBC's own figures, a whopping 54% of those people listen on BBC sounds.

Tim gasped.

No AI robot would ever invent John Robbins.

At this this point, Tim's copy of Jeffrey Regan's great military blunders slipped effortlessly into the pocket of a pair of stone regular fit utility cargo trousers.

He nodded at the security guard.

He was ready to make his purchase.

Thank you, Ellis, said Tim.

Now, if you could reassure me about bing collections going to once every three weeks, this would be the best day of my life.

Wow.

And he left the shop.

What a chance encounter there.

Yeah.

I just had to reassure him that robots could never make this, because a robot would never design this.

Oh, no, no, it's too inefficient.

Absolutely.

AI would not design John Robbins because AI is essentially an enormous averaging tool.

Yeah.

And what would you average to myself?

I'm the average of nothing.

Yeah.

Dave.

I'm an outlier through and through.

Yeah.

Arm span, outlier.

Yeah.

Not that.

You could talk about it in your stand-up, but not on air.

Diet, outlier.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Big time.

Anchovies, capers, three cakes and a chocolate bar.

Who is that?

It's the average of no one day.

Yeah.

No AI would ever say, yeah, that person exists.

No.

The Anchovies Capers Hot Sauce Cake Matrix.

And ironically, when I asked AI who John Robbins was,

it...

it gave me an incorrect answer.

Did it?

Yeah, it said John Robbins is the presenter of hip podcast John Robbins the Catastrophe.

He hallucinated a podcast from all the information about me online called John Robbins the Catastrophe.

It's not far off.

I mean, it's not a bad idea.

It's impactful.

Yeah.

Exclamation mark.

It sounds like a film.

But it doesn't exist.

It does.

But it's like you could interview people who've, I don't know, experienced extreme weather events.

Yeah, been near an avalanche.

Yeah.

John Robbins the Catastrophe only on BBC Sounds.

yeah

scener twister yes seen a twister yes uh well um yeah i mean ai's dynamite

okay

and now the slump

i shouldn't have had that butterscotch one really no way

i had eight squares of it

eight squares yeah maybe we need to be firmer maybe me and ellis need but he is an adult he is an adult sometimes hannah able to vote for 24 years.

Hannah said to me earlier in the week, do I need to be firmer with your eating habits?

And I said, no, because I love it.

I bloody love it.

And she's like...

What eating habits are we talking about?

I just eat all the kids' food.

Okay.

On top of your own meals.

Absolutely.

God, yeah.

So I've just got, when it's there, it's going down.

So Hannah actually, in all seriousness,

do you want me to start being firmer?

You always think they're going to eat more beans than they do.

They never eat enough.

They never finish the beans.

The plates never get clear.

But it's like I've won the lottery when one of them will go, I'm full, and there's still a plate full of chips.

And I'm over at that plate before you can say McCain's oven fries.

And Hannah will say, wait, because he's not full, is he?

He's just saying he's full because he wants to get down from the table.

Yeah.

And she has to treat me like one of the other children.

And it's a shame.

And it is a shame.

So do we need to be firmer with you, John?

No, you need to be more generous.

I think it would affect the dynamic if we were suddenly very firm with John and his cakes.

You need to be more generous, more relaxed, and bring me more cakes.

Like an anarchist's experiment.

Yeah.

So you'd allow John to have all the cakes possible and then he will find his own.

He's like water.

He'll find his own level.

Yeah, like when you make a kid smoke 100 fags.

It's like that.

Okay.

Go on then.

Eat all of those cakes.

I will.

I will.

I will eat all those cakes.

And then you broadcast.

I made twice the recommended amount of pasta the other day.

Yeah.

And it still wasn't enough.

Was it not?

No, I could just eat forever.

I could just keep going.

I could just be a perpetual pasta digesting machine.

I mean, yeah.

It'd be good.

It'd be interesting to watch.

It'd be a great job, wouldn't it?

Wouldn't work as an audio format.

No, but it could be in a sewing.

It could be in a circus.

It could be in a circus sat on a big toilet throne eating pasta.

A never-ending pasta eater.

Never-ending pasta eater.

Yeah.

But you don't say anything.

No.

You don't give any interviews.

You don't entertain.

No.

Just plate after plate after plate being brought in.

Yeah.

Back in seven.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's quite dark, actually.

Yeah.

Yes.

Well,

I went for a lunchtime Chinese on

Wednesday.

Do we need to be firmer?

It was great.

I just ordered so much stuff.

What did you?

Henry Packer.

Oh, good, good, good, good, good.

We'll come back to the Chinese, but I'm now just off what we've talked about.

I want to know what happened.

How did you feel afterwards?

After the Chinese?

What happened in the afternoon?

I had a cake

and then went home and fell very, very sleepy.

Did you have a nap?

Yes, I did, but at six,

which is a bit late for a nap.

Oh, you got to bed at seven.

Well, yeah, I did.

I mean, I went for a nap six to half seven.

Yeah.

So you kind of slept until four in the morning.

No, I got up for an hour and then went back to bed bed again.

Wow.

Crazy.

But we were in the.

Oh, does he fit it all in?

Miranda Sawyer referred to you as a workaholic in The Observer.

I cannot stress that enough.

I'm going to keep coming back to this.

Trecking it was an autocorrect.

But we went to this

delightful Chinese restaurant for our businessman's Chinese lunch.

They had a very strange sign in the toilet.

Can you guess

what would be the last sign you would want to see in a toilet?

A knife and fork.

Like a plate and a sort of, yeah, by all means, eat on the toilet.

It's good stuff.

No.

A shark?

No, it wasn't a shark.

A machine gun.

No, I'll pass it to Dave.

You can see what it says.

Oh,

that's a shame.

It says, Ellis, vomiting here, please.

Oh, so it's telling you where to vomit in their own restaurants.

Oh, thanks.

It's not a...

There isn't much that would unsettle me.

Yes.

And what we

could not relax.

So we were chatting to the owner, because it's quite a new restaurant.

The food was absolutely delicious, by the way.

Are you sure?

Yeah, so good.

But

it was an interesting example of like a cultural difference in that

they have a karaoke section, like a separate karaoke bar.

And I think people come there late and get absolutely lashed and throw up in the toilet sometimes.

So they've thought, well, you know, in order to stop that being a problem, we'll just put a sign to direct them to the bin as opposed to the urinals.

Which in a way makes sense.

I'm not.

I mean,

AI would invent that.

Yes.

Because it does make sense.

Yeah, it does make sense.

But it's sort of like we were trying to explain, you know.

It's a human social mori to not have

or convention to not have vomiting pointed out in that way, I would say.

I think so, but you could, you could understand that if it was a problem for a restaurant slash bar, that you would you would try and solve that problem with your signage.

But we were sort of trying to say that because we're in a restaurant having lunch,

it's quite an odd thing to then see when you go to the toilet.

So maybe put it on, put it up after like 10 p.m.

Is that what you said?

Yes, that's what we suggest.

Because,

for instance, if I was eating seafood or chicken, I would be thinking to myself, what are they trying to tell me?

Well, exactly.

This is it.

Exactly.

Are they saying, listen, we got this from a bloke selling chicken in a pub?

And we think it's fine.

We've done the smell test, but there's no sell-by data or anything on it.

So if you do need to spew, spew in the bin.

But it was nice to be able to reach out a sort of cultural hand and go, do you know what?

Maybe this might give people the wrong impression, even though you're trying to solve a problem what did they say they just sort of it was almost like they were like oh wow thank you for telling me yeah that's really interesting okay i'll i'll suggest that they're not going to do anything i don't know whether they will

but it's but the thing is with it the problem here's where it falls down if you're absolutely larped and it's one in the morning you've just sung i don't know wherever you will go by the calling

it's absolute banger goodness me that's my range that's my Yeah, that's the song I sing because

I've got it.

I've actually got it.

I did Billy at Buttercup by the Foundations.

Yeah, you're cheeky.

Yeah, that's cheekier.

Mine's quite heartfelt.

Tell you's got a hell of a voice on him.

Nish Kumar.

Has he?

I went to a karaoke bar with Nish before Christmas, and he did Bruce Springsteen, and it was massive.

Tell you who told me you had a good voice on you.

Who?

Henry Packer again.

You said he went to a karaoke event with you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nish was there.

Nish sang Bruce Springsteen.

What was was this for?

It was just a.

I can't remember who organised it, but we were just there.

You know, the next question is that.

I don't know.

Sorry.

I can't.

When was it?

Why didn't you talk about it on the show?

And why wasn't I there?

I can't remember.

Who can't remember

when they did karaoke a couple of weeks ago?

Because it wasn't.

It was way before.

It was before Christmas.

It was months ago.

Maybe I was invited then.

I think you were.

I think I was, Dave.

Yeah.

I think I couldn't make it because I was busy.

What's your karaoke song of choice?

Good, good.

I would go for

Proud Mary by Credence Clearwater Revival.

Or Have You Ever Seen The Rain by Credence Clearwater Revival?

What was the

reason?

What was the song that you walked on stage to on one of yours and Alice's shows?

One Vision.

Was it One Vision?

Mohammed to Fall.

We walked, well, he walked on stage.

But you sang.

You sang for the whole song.

Because I remember you fell off the speaker stack once.

No, he was miming.

Oh, was he?

Oh, sorry.

So just your mime.

I did use a live version of Somebody to Love, which is extraordinarily difficult to sing.

Yeah, I have heard you do that before.

But I had to be quite lashed to do that.

I don't think the vocal cords would manage that sober.

No, do you not think?

Three pints, four pints was perfect pre-Somebody to Love neck oil.

But yeah, I'd probably go Credence because they're a growly.

Or I'd do Bowie.

I'd maybe go Ashes to Ashes.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, if you're lashed, the last thing you're doing is running into the toilet.

Looking for a sign to direct you where to be sick.

It's not happening.

You're not going, now, where do they want me to be sick?

You're just finding the nearest vessel or the nearest vessel.

What would happen is you'd be sick wherever you were sick, and then you'd see the sign and you go, oh, oh, yeah.

That's, yeah, the sign.

Unless, I suppose, you see the sign as soon as you went.

Then you think to yourself, well, that's one, that's one to remember, isn't it?

They want me to be sick there.

Who's clear in that, though?

Oh, just a bag of sick the following morning.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, sorry, I feel bad for bringing it up now.

Now I feel sick.

Yeah, no, it's an interesting, like you say, cultural

hot cultural hands across the ocean with my cultural hands.

Um, so, uh, yes, uh, Ellis has been making headlines uh across the various nations of the British Isles for connecting with other people from Wales.

And

he's going to do it again because that's what he does.

It's how he lives.

It's why he lives.

I wish it was.

It's what he lives for.

You're like a grimpy footballer who's been told to play in a formation he doesn't have.

No, no, I'm not.

I'm good.

I'm very pleased about it.

Because we're about to have someone on the line who's probably 43 and went to Cardiff Union.

No, absolutely not.

I think you'll find the callers that we get on are a broader

early 40s, Dave.

They're not.

That's not true.

That is true.

When was the last time you cymry connected with an 80-year-old?

Well, that'd be easy.

It would be one of my grandmothers.

Yeah, to be fair, that's probably the next level that he'd be good at because it's like he jumps to dinner.

I don't know.

I'm on your side, Ellis, of course.

So, yes, every week Ellis connects with a fellow country person from Wales, although they don't always live in Wales, which has scuppered his chances on a couple of occasions.

Yeah.

It's time for the Cymric connection.

Where did you go to school?

Do you know Daffy Devon's no?

Come on, mate, you must do no, we've never met

at all.

Yes, last week Ellis failed to connect to caller Morwenna.

Or did he?

After his failed attempt at connecting, Ellis was commended by Dave for chucking out names left, right and centre.

He didn't stray down the Cymru cul-de-sac or get lost in Um Alley.

He was offering names with the confidence only seen in elite connectors who have recently made the local news.

But each suggestion was battered away by Morwenna and Ellis subsequently had to rely on the Sun Lounger to save face.

But in the week, the following message was received by the production team.

Hi there, this is Mawenna from last week's Come Reconnection.

So, it turns out I've got a very poor memory, and it appears that Ellis and I did connect within the 60 seconds.

Ellis, you asked me if I knew Rhianna Reese.

Yes, I do.

We went to school together.

I found her on Facebook and recognised her instantly.

You also asked me if I knew tall Alan from Prinsteffen.

I think this is Alan Davis, tall rugby player.

And yes, again, I know him.

This is unreal.

And finally, you asked me if I know Lee, who works at the Carmarthen Journal.

She's thick.

I think that's Lee McGregor.

And again, I know him and his wife, Emma, well.

What?

Sorry for being so useless.

I'm blaming it on having left Carmarthen when I was 18 and being a 45-year-old woman.

Sorry again.

Bye.

Listen.

Listen, you have told me several times to moderate my tone.

No.

But

I'm not angry.

I'm just, I'm dismayed.

Yeah.

Because that would have been such a clean, swift connection.

Those people all got named within 60 seconds.

Yeah.

It would have, it would have looked fantastic for the social situation.

That's a skull's volley on the edge of the area from a Beckham Corner.

People.

When I realised that there was a connection she'd missed, I thought, I don't think Ellis should get the point for this because you've got to do it within 60 seconds.

But the fact that there's three.

Yeah, but I think just but I've named them.

She just has forgotten them.

Well, exactly.

So you failed to connect.

Oh.

Hmm.

What I would say is...

Just to back up Moenna, because you did just call Moena thick.

I'm just going to say.

I think Morwenna would be the first to admit that it's quite thick to be told three people you know.

But listen.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Look at that.

She might not have known him as tall Alan.

But Ellen, even Alice.

He was tall.

Even Alice gets nervous with his head in his hands when that sees.

But that's the whole point.

That's why it's difficult.

Of course.

Everyone can do a 147 on the practice table.

But Moenna, as a listener, was probably a little bit bit nervous.

I know, Dave, but that's the nature of the quiz.

I'm just saying.

God, Dave.

I think we need to understand.

You're so empathetic, Dave.

Well, it's important to think that we

made a story.

Yeah, but you can't come off who wants to be a millionaire and go, oh, sorry, I've thought about it.

And actually, I did know the answer to the 30s.

So can I have the million pounds?

It's the nature of elite sport.

So what are we doing?

I don't like it one bit.

I think, but the issue is,

well, the problem is the issue was with Moena, not with me.

Yeah, but your buddy's part of the connection.

It takes two people to connect.

You can't connect to yourself, but the connection is there.

It's there, Dave, but not within the time frame.

Usually, the issue is with me by going down alley.

Yes.

But I didn't this time.

I was spraying them out.

It was like a blunder bus.

Yeah, it was.

Just spraying out names.

But I'm very glad Moenna rang in.

It was nice to speak to her.

Because it's always nice to speak to our listeners from Kamara then.

I was glad to speak of, and I'm not criticising anyone in the slightest.

You could argue that it was up to Ellis to be more explicit about those people, to jog her memory.

He didn't significant.

What, a name and a job?

Tall Alan.

He is so tall.

Yeah, I know.

But if you'd said Tall Alan, I don't know.

I named his village.

He's so fun.

With beautiful eyes.

I don't think we can have these retrospective connections because they haven't connected.

He's the first person I ever met who had a Puff Stadi CD.

That's the anecdote.

Yeah.

Well, I think because there's three, I'll give it.

I think so.

I think Mowenna was nervous.

You know, maybe she hasn't been on the radio before and she was just nervous.

It's as simple as that, I think.

Well, that takes your connection rate up from 52 to a whopping 53%.

Well, that's how long we've been doing the feature.

We're down to a 1% increase.

All right, we can drop it if it makes sense in that man.

I like it.

We can drop it.

I don't want to upset the man.

He's upset enough as it is anyway.

It's the best selling point this podcast has got, bizarrely.

Yeah.

And if you hate it, let's do something else.

Let's talk about T.S.

Eliot for a year.

No.

I don't know, whatever you like.

We've got John wins again starting in a couple of weeks.

What else does he like?

He likes dwelling on things.

What about John dwells on things for an hour?

I could sit in the corner.

And then we bring statistics into it.

What are you dwelling on now?

Great.

Dwelling John.

Dwelling John.

John's dwellings.

He's now achieved a a hat-trick of connections, only the second time in connecting history he's done so.

Can he achieve the first quad connection?

Wow, surely not.

We have a caller on the line from Wales.

Hello, caller.

Hello.

Hello.

I am going to put 60 seconds on the clock.

The next voice you hear will be that of Connector-in-Chief, Mr.

Ellis James.

Your time starts now.

Where'd you go to school?

Married Unum.

Oh, okay, hold you.

48.

48, Rod Gilbert?

No.

Uh, uh, Skirm, Andrew Skirm?

No.

48, so you're four years older than me.

Okay, that's fine.

Um, don't get any other questions.

Uh, Doc, who is uh Andrew Evans?

Um, and I don't know, I know of him because I'm from Carmarthen, so I don't know him well.

Okay, Richie Spread, who's still working spread?

Uh, no,

48.

Ask him more questions!

Jesus!

I know I've got all the information I need,

right?

Uh, Wynne Evans.

Uh, I know who he is, but no, I don't know him.

He won't know me.

Okay, okay, that's fine, that's fine.

Uh, um, where do you work?

Uh I work in a school in Brentwood.

Okay.

Um where'd you if you went to university, where did you go?

Leeds, Matt.

Okay, um that's time.

Yeah, young Evans, Emma Lewis, the rugby player.

That's time.

That was absolutely no, I know them, but no, they don't know me.

You asked him his age and his name.

Because.

His first name.

Because I had all the information.

Because I had all the information I needed.

If he went to Maradunum and he's 48, I've got all the information I need.

That was.

That was.

Listen, I've got a lot on my mind.

It's a brain failure.

Yeah.

It's like that time I drove to Margate and my car just stopped working.

It will happen.

Your buckets are full.

Yeah, I don't know.

I'm not sure.

That's what I said.

I'm like brain overload.

Buckets full.

Cognitive overload.

Do you want to ask any more questions on the Sun Lounger than your three?

No, because you're clearly hate this so much.

He doesn't.

I'd like to go to the beach, actually.

We'll go to the beach on a Sun Lounger.

He loves to hate it.

Do you know what I think happened there?

It was almost

too easy, so it overwhelmed Alice.

There was almost too many names just flying through his head that he almost forgot how to ask the questions.

What happened to your list of questions?

I mean, I had to write your stand-up life and the intro, so I've not written down my list of questions.

Yeah, okay, here we go.

Right then, I would like to go to Sunni Java.

Okay, yeah, I feel like the

point's lost, but hey, we're coming off the back of a hat-trick.

You should feel good either way.

This is an easy one, Alice.

Corn, we're going to go.

All right, then.

Di Lewis used to be in the Navy.

Yes, come on.

Hey, there we go.

Great.

We got such a shit.

That's good.

Yeah.

I know Di Lewis, he went to the Navy.

Yes, good, good, good, good, good, good.

And he used to box.

And he used to box in the Navy as well, didn't he?

He was a good boxer.

This is good then.

This.

I've done it.

I've done it.

I've done it.

I've done it.

I've done it.

I've done it.

I've done it.

You can't take this away from me.

It's a shame because I was the first guest after the 60 seconds.

If that had snuck in.

Yes, Dave.

This is the nature of elite sports.

Yeah, yeah.

If there was extra time.

If he'd given me 60, yeah, if we'd gone to extra time,

if there was Fergie time and player,

God, if it was a 70-second feature, I'd have done it like that.

Can you think of any other connections, Corla?

Yeah, I mean, I think you played for Carmarthen Town.

I've played for Carmarthen Town Football Club

throughout my youth

team.

I mean, we're both from Carmarthen, so we probably went, we were in the Riv together, weren't we?

Yes, big time.

Was McFenney, your coach?

No, I know him very well.

I was a bit older and missed out with McFenny, so there's people like Richard Geely.

Oh, of course!

Geels.

He's just found a rich seam down there.

Yeah, he's wading in it.

Alan Curtis played with him in the men's first team when he was shorter for a bit.

What's it?

Oh, do you know Wayne Price?

Yeah,

okay, that's fine.

It's nice, though, isn't it?

It is nice.

Very close to Wayne Price.

Ewan Clangine, he's my cousin.

Oh, my god.

He's already been mentioned on the Cymbri Collection.

He's an undertaker.

I was your sister Neris, who did I did politics A-level with

Stefan connection.

If only you'd asked him anything about his youth or interests or past or life.

I was being harsh with Doc because I do know the lad, but I was never sort of, I wasn't like close friends or anything with that.

That's honest connection.

I like that.

Because a lot of people would have been tempted to just appease Ellis with.

Because everyone knows Doc.

Everyone knows an Eggie.

Everyone knows a Doc.

Well, thank you.

Sorry, what's your name, mate?

Russell Davis.

Have we met Russell?

I bet we have, but I don't remember Ellis, if I'll be totally honest with you.

Sorry.

Well, nice to meet you, Russell.

We probably have.

Nice to meet you, Russell.

Thank you for calling, Russell.

Cheers, guys.

Cheers, mate.

Spana.

So it's a cross on the copy book.

Yeah, but

a lot of connections there.

You've got it.

You've proved that you've got it, Ellis.

If this game is all about whether or not you can connect to people in Wales, I think it's a big tick.

But unfortunately.

It's not about that, is it?

It's not about that.

It's the time limit.

It's about

getting those big cues in.

I don't regard the time limit as important.

You need to.

Because I'm always in a sun-lounging frame of mind.

I'm on holiday and I'm connecting with people.

You don't do it.

It's very unnatural to do it in 60 seconds.

So it's like being made to play football on a bent pitch.

It's unnatural, Dave.

This is unnatural, and I'm doing my best.

I know you are.

But I apologise.

I apologise to listeners who like it.

I'll apologise to John who hates it.

I'm ambivalent about it.

That's great.

We do John Dwells again next week.

John Dwells again.

Well, we give him an hour and a wall to stare at and we put that out.

And I'm sure people would love it because people like John's output.

They like both your outputs.

Come, come now.

It's absolutely fine.

It's good.

Hey, listen, I'm a big fan.

I think it's still a really strong feature.

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Right then, let's get into a made-up game.

Yes, and we have a new jingle.

I think we'll be excited by this jingle, and and I've not heard it yet, but

I think a band at various points we've all liked over the years.

Should we guess who it is from the jingle, Dave?

Me and Ellis.

Yeah, but I mean, I think you will.

I'm going to assume, judging by the band that they've gone for, because they're quite.

Let's see who guesses it first.

Okay,

there's a good game.

A pre-game.

In which case, I won't read out anymore apart from the fact that

it's been done by Matt from

Dines Powers.

Oh, yeah, near Barry.

Yeah, near Cardiff.

Yeah, Barry, yeah.

Between Barry and Cardiff.

Between Barry and Cardiff.

Okay, here's today's Made Up Games Jingle.

Oh, yes, great.

Oh, Dave, Alice and John.

Oh, they're having so much fun.

You remember

this match that will never be won?

Oh, it sounds like Smith from the Heart Full of Hollow.

Yeah.

Well, I think the inspiration is there as a light, I'd say.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because of a double day

games.

Isn't it weird how their reputation is sort of still intact as a band?

Is it weird?

I'm trying to think of other examples.

We're just given his sort of

his sort of post-Smiths.

But it was a post-Smiths thing.

Yeah, but you would think he never said

stuff when he was in the Smiths.

I know, but it actually.

But it's just interesting in terms of like

what stuff still gets played on the radio.

Like, despite

a quarter of the band.

And obviously, Mars repetition is so positive.

But what's weird is...

Yeah,

all that stuff came out a few years after they split up.

So yeah, I think people are able to separate it.

But people aren't always able to separate that sort of stuff.

Yeah.

And

is it the severity of the transgression or is it the quality of the music or is it the interplay of both of those things in people's heads?

Yeah.

Like, are you able to hold

two sort of conflicting opinions of the same thing in your head?

I've just bought a book I'm about to read called Monsters

about

sort of artistic reputation and cancellation, which I'm very excited to read.

Well, unfortunately, some of the greatest musicians ever behaved absolutely abominably.

But as you always put it, the cool ones,

they're never discussed in the same way, sadly.

I wonder if it's partly to do with sort of, not to be a conspiracy theorist, but like

the money to be made out of certain brands.

There's perhaps more interest in playing down certain things.

No, because look at Michael Jackson.

But he's still played on the radio.

He's not played on Radio 2 anymore.

He was played on.

Is he not?

I think there are.

Yeah, there are some stations that don't play.

So, I mean, he's the biggest artist of all time.

Let's do a special investigative podcast series, Dave.

Okay.

Hard-hitting.

I'll read what he wrote in because it's nice.

He absolutely deserves it after that because it sounds great.

Hello, you charming men.

Stop me if you think you've heard this one before.

A made-up games jingle in the style of Manchester's finest, The Smiths.

My wife, Amy.

Sorry, we've preemptively cast some of his comments under a bad light, so we should maybe cut out that conversation.

Yeah.

It's an interesting conversation.

It's an interesting conversation, and that's what this show is all about, Dave.

Inspiring debate.

Sparking debate.

I mean, on a completely different

topic.

I've developed old man hands in the last sort of six months.

Oh, welcome.

I mean, I've had older man hands since.

Really weird.

And I just have a look at John's hands, and he's got the hands of a 17-year-old boy.

No,

I did

borrow some of Zoffi's hand cream earlier.

Yes.

So we do need to get into the hand cream.

Look how wrinkly my hands are.

Unless I'm in the bath.

It's hot to cold.

It's hot to cold kills hands.

If I'm in the bath, I've got...

young man's hands.

But you can't be in your bath.

But I can't be in the bath all the time.

Yeah, my god, you've tried.

And as soon as I'm out of the bath, I've got old man's hand.

I've got a new facial routine now, everyone.

Have you?

Yeah, a young man's face.

Serum into moisturizer.

I wasn't a serum guy, no, but I am now because Hannah's Hannah passed me some of her serum and he said, Try this.

I said, No, thanks.

I'm all right with my moisturizer.

We've all got good skin for our age.

But go for, do a serum into a moisturizer.

What's that mean?

So, a serum is like a thinner,

almost like a liquidy, watery serum.

What for?

Just to move that just hydrates hydrates you, mate.

Okay.

It's just hydrating you, mate.

And then the moisturizer is where you're getting your SPFs.

It's where

you're getting that deeper moisture.

Well, you've got SPF in your moisturizer.

Yeah.

All my aging is going into my hands.

Yeah, okay.

Well, get some serum on those blooming things.

I'll just cover them.

I'll wear gloves.

Anyway, thanks, Matt.

Thanks, Matt.

Keep up the top-tier content.

Good.

Scores on the doors.

John is 15 love up in the 10th game and leading five games to four.

He's three wins.

Yay!

Three wins away from the first set.

Three wins away from the first set.

That's enormous.

It's enormous.

Just a year and a month.

God.

God, if he takes away Kym Reconnecting and continues to win made-up games at this pace, I'll have nothing left.

No, no, no.

Not from my lovely family.

And your half-decent personality.

And we're having a little think, aren't we, Michael, producer Michael, in the background about what we can do as a little treat for whoever wins this first set so

not money no not money we're not doing bad brand it doesn't matter we'll tell you near the time okay voucher for hotel chocolate no

uh cabri's tall a voucher for lamborghini

250 quid voucher for lamborghini so you could buy half of a leather jacket

uh this week's game though obviously that was matt who sent in the jingle this week's game is from rodney hello rodney hello chaps uh rodney here a long-time listener who came aboard the good ship in the Radio X days.

Oh, how I remember ticking off tastes and chuckling at wackaging.

Great times.

Oh, they were great times.

They were innocent and badly paid.

And fewer listeners.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

But a lovely trajectory if you look at a graph, I imagine.

I've not seen any graphs, but I'm sure they're fine.

Anyway, I come before you today with a game idea.

It's loosely based on one you've already played, but I think there's enough of a twist to make it playable again.

It's called Search and Deploy.

Back in the strange days of lockdown, a couple of Todgers on a podcast ran around their houses finding items to present to their producer.

Those Todgers were you.

And the game.

Those Todgers were you.

It's quite a funny phrase.

And the game was a lot of fun.

I seem to remember John offering up a pack of Johnnies at one point.

Dave, I pushed boundaries.

You did, because you had to do it.

It's always sexual.

Sexual or chocolate-based.

It's always one of the two.

So I propose you the very same game, but this time in your shiny podcast first studio.

As I'm led to believe, there's a lot of knickknacks behind you and around the studio in the wonderful social clips that you've shared and made, and you're always talking about stuff left behind by the posh bloke who does a podcast in your studio.

That's the lovely William Hansen from Halpy Sex Divine Boss, which, of course, is also available on BBC Sounds.

I added that.

Obviously, Rodney's not saying that, but it's true and it's important.

So, why not go rummaging through it to find some fun objects?

Dave will say a category, e.g., for example, most whimsical object.

All you have to do is, in 60 seconds, scurry around your studio space and find the most whimsical object.

You'll then have to plead and argue the case as to why your object is the best.

Dave will then decide the winner.

Three rounds in total.

Obviously, lots of different categories.

Yeah.

You're good.

Sean's just done a big yawn, so I hope the energy is here for this.

I struggle with the arguing ones.

Oh, I think you're not.

I think I just win most things.

Yeah.

But you always win those ones.

I don't.

No, I think persuasively.

Because Dave always evens it out.

I don't know.

And you generally win because you're better at arguing than I am.

I think these sorts of games

are not too dissimilar to it.

It's been a core tenant in my personality since November 1980.

I was backing down in the womb.

You're both very good at these sorts of games.

I remember the Argos game where you had to kind of explain why you had picked certain items from a catalogue.

It's good stuff.

I remember the lockdown game because we were in the old flat.

I remember that.

Yeah.

Yeah, your sexy item was something like a teddy bear or something.

Oh, God, I can't remember.

Yeah.

Anyway, it's a fun game.

So what we've managed to do, because technology has moved on,

budgets have increased.

You've now got some lovely little clip mics that are attached to your t-shirts and your jumpers.

So as and when you explore the studio space, have a little chat.

You can talk to each other if you want, because you'll both be searching at the same time.

This is the sort of mic that YouTubers wear, Dave.

Yeah, you're a YouTuber now, John.

I'm like, I'm going to be a golf lesson.

Okay, are the mics on?

Are we working, Michael?

Great stuff.

Okay, so, round one:

60 seconds

to find

the cheekiest object in the room.

And we're off.

John scuttled off.

Oh, where's that vibrator, Dave?

Hmm.

Ellis has gone straight to the shelves that are within the Ellis and John podcast space, so he's keeping it

on brand.

I'm not sure where John's gone because John's nipped around the corner.

I think I just heard a swear from John.

Okay,

I've got something pretty cheeky.

Ellis has got something very cheeky.

It's not bad, Ellis.

It's not bad at all.

So

I think Ellis is happy.

I mean, he literally went three feet away from his chair, so

which is fine.

Its efficiencies.

Dave, where's that health I sexted my boss sex toy I don't know you'll have to ask Michael he's closer to you Michael where's the sex toy gone oh okay surely a time limit's got coming

and time

and time get back over here John

oh no okay

thanks

Plug your headphones back in so you can hear the output.

Oh, I don't mind.

You don't mind, okay.

So they both had 60 seconds.

John, cheeky look on his face for a cheeky object that he had to go and find, which is lovely.

He scuttled off into the back section of the studio where the kind of props are.

Ellis took a screenshot of the first one.

John needs to go first.

Okay, John needs to go first.

I'm not describing it, Dave.

I think you have to.

Because it's disgusting.

Because it's from help I sexted my boss, which is illegal in most US states.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The Dutch don't mind it.

The Dutch don't mind it, Dave.

So you've both scuttled off to find the cheekiest of objects

in the Audio Always podcast studio.

John's fundamentally misunderstood cheek.

He has confused cheek for filth.

John.

Filth.

Yeah.

Using your best code and intimation,

explain to us what you've got here on the table in front of you.

It's disgusting.

It is disgusting.

It's vile.

And it's been made into a Christmas tree, which feels

sacrilegious disrespectful disrespectful blasphemous hateful

it's a hate crime

and hate crimes have never been cheeky it's it's um

it's a device

oh is it what did you think it was I wasn't willing to guess like a like a paper weight I thought it was just like a new hand logo or something that kids do it actually oh it wobbles that's no it wobbles but it also is suck it's got a suction cup at the bottom, so it sticks to whatever vile,

dingy surface that they've cleared for their sexual games.

I'm sure I sexted my boss.

I'm sure they wiped it down.

Do they?

Is that paid for by the license feed, Dave?

I don't want to dig into the details.

It's a commercial venture, so they can kind of do what they want to a certain extent.

A portion of it is funded by the licensed features.

Minimals.

Yeah, there is some licensing knocking about.

There is, isn't there?

I'm going to go home and I'm going to read the Bible and I'm going to apologise.

Yeah.

So, just how do I how do I paint around the objects here to just let listeners be aware?

Well, you can't.

If you had Safe Search on, you wouldn't be able to Google that.

It's something

that, hey, listen, we all have to do it.

It's a birthday present.

If you gave it to someone in the office, you get sacked for it.

Yeah, we all enjoy.

If you've ever seen all creatures, great and small,

you will recognize what is being replicated in a s form of of sort of hard rubber.

Yeah, and it's in the shape of a hand.

Yeah.

That's safe to say.

No,

it's not great.

It's not great.

It's not great, is it?

But the hand is there

and it's been decorated into a Christmas tree.

So yeah, it's,

hey.

We all need to enjoy ourselves at points in our own downtime.

I

want to kick back.

I don't remember signing up to creating an obscene publication, Dave.

Anyway, what's Ellis's?

okay John's i found something that genuinely is cheeky yeah talk us through it's john relaxing on a desk uh his computer is open it's a picture of john i should say his picture is open his computer is open uh he's on the website for hm revenue and customs he's got all of his receipts on a spike

The receipt says two billy bookcases, £35, total £70.

But what's so cheeky about it is that John is relaxing in his pants and his underpants say HMRC.

Yeah.

So you can see what John's got to offer, but an awful lot is left to the imagination, which I think defines cheeky.

That's cheeky.

Yeah.

Arms behind his head.

It's not obscene.

You know, you could put it on a banknote.

It would be very weird.

This would be on one of the banknotes that Richie, Eddie makes in bottom in that series where he forges erotic banknotes.

Yeah, if...

In fact, that is on one of the banknotes that Eddie makes in that episode of Bobby.

If you put that on a banknote, Britain will become a failed state.

You'd have to declare martial law then.

Now,

I actually, in the name of decency, would like Ellis to win this round.

Yes.

I think it is more cheeky, but it is also the closest thing to him.

But I hate that.

It's just efficient gameplay.

It's just efficient gameplay.

Claude Machale.

Thank you.

I don't know what that means.

No, I don't know what that means.

Because he actually ran.

Is that a dance?

I was trying to think of it if a century

you

revolutionised slash revitalized the re-revolutionised

role of holding midfielder.

This needs revolutionising again.

You can't win the league without a Claude Machale.

I think actually Machale is the right footballer to go for there.

Because he didn't run that much, but he, by jove, he got a job there.

Great player, man.

Yeah, great player.

And I agree.

I think you brought something to the table here, literally.

But even the way that you were describing it, John, I think, made it clear that no one really thinks that muck is cheeky.

The way it wobbles makes me feel sick to my stomach.

No, Dave, stop doing it.

Little finger just touched it.

1-0 to Alice.

Round two.

Get on you.

Should I take that off the table so that we can legally put out footage of this?

Yeah, it's a shame because that was a really nice moment.

I don't know how we're getting that past the BBC commissioners.

We just blur it out.

Right, round two.

1-0 to Alice.

Oh, John, you could have maybe gone for this in this round.

You could have maybe maybe picked the same item.

The saddest objects in the room.

And they're off.

John, you were cutting it fine with the previous item.

Right, time's up.

Okay, I've got mine.

John is looking at something that I considered as well.

Oh, really?

Oh, interesting.

John's looking at something that I considered very heavily, but time's up.

John has to be aware of that.

Time is up.

This has to be John's choice.

Who went first last time?

John.

I mean, John's picked his item.

So he's committed to what it is.

So he can flick through what it is.

Saddest item.

Shall I go first?

Because for the sake of content, I think I will allow John to have some time to peruse.

Yeah, he's committed to the item.

Item, he's committed to the item.

Right.

I think the saddest

item in this studio is this.

It's a sign that says, no coffee, no workie.

If you've bought this

of your own volition, I cannot help you.

Why is it sad, Alice?

Well, I've just, I've never understood who it's for.

I've never met anyone who would agree with this.

I've never met anyone who would find it funny.

Yeah.

And yet you see them all the time.

There's, I've been in coffee shops where...

These will be on the wall.

Yeah.

I don't think I've ever seen one in anyone's house, but you do see them quite regularly in coffee shops.

It's not, I suppose it is a sentiment I agree with.

I usually have a coffee before I start work, but I certainly don't need, I don't feel obliged to put that on a sign.

And also, there's something very strange about the way that coffee, but more than that, the way gin is sold.

Yeah, it's a cheeky old drinker.

The sort of marketing behind gin is crazy.

Yeah.

Have you seen any of James May's new YouTube venture?

No.

So he's changed his YouTube channel to basically like James May's Gin.

And they did a

him and

Richard Hammond went to revisit the Top Gear studio for the first time in 15 years or wherever.

But it's...

It's just two guys looking around an abandoned sort of temporary office.

We did Top Gear Drum, but we did Top Gear Extra Gear.

Yeah, so they go back to that studio and you're thinking, why are they doing this on James May's gin channel?

And then you notice that as they're sort of plodding around this abandoned office, Richard Hammond's just holding a gin and tight.

He sort of every five minutes takes a sip from it.

And he goes, this is nice.

But all of the comments underneath are like, guys, you'll never know what a difference you made to my life with Top Gear.

It was a show like no other.

And we're getting really sentimental, but you're like, you're literally just vlogging gin.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But not explicitly.

Yeah, just background gin.

Background gin.

Background gin.

So

no coffee, no worky.

Mark, the marketing around gin and proseco and coffee to an extent is so weird.

I've never been able to get behind it.

And this kind of sign makes me cringe, but ultimately it's just sad.

It's just sad.

It's sad.

Do you know what I think?

Sad, Dave.

Yeah.

A 99.2% attendance record

at Bramall High School.

Yeah.

Because people like me, Dave,

might go to school, might not.

Yeah.

Just see what way the wind's blowing.

And sometimes we get chest infections.

And sometimes we get chest infections, Dave.

Yeah, that's probably.

No, you'd have to be on antibiotics for them.

I reckon I probably maybe went to school 10% of the time.

But always due to proper illness, because we wouldn't be promoting truancy at this stage, would we, John?

Dave.

On the BBC.

When you know better than the system,

sometimes it's possible to homeschool yourself.

which is what I did between the ages of 12 and 16.

Yeah.

Is that why you didn't get into Oxford first time around?

What?

Is that why you didn't get into Oxford first time around?

Maybe I didn't need to.

You tried again.

Maybe I didn't want to.

Maybe it was a trick.

It was a trick to be sad for a year, so you got to work in Virgin Megastore.

Maybe I wanted to experience Ellis the real world.

Heard of it.

You didn't enjoy it.

Morning, everyone, reporting for class.

Register, John Robbins.

John?

Is John here?

Oh, no.

We're all getting the day off.

Let's go smoke some fags.

Whereas one Dave Masterman, according to his national record of achievement,

has a 99.2% attendance rate because he is a square.

I think that's admirable.

I think it is.

I think it's impressive.

I think it's a leg.

The national record of achievement was for prospective employers.

You were meant to take that to job interviews.

We were told this countless times at school.

If, by the way, you ever did, and I've never met anyone, do email us on ellisonjohn at bbc.co.uk if you ever took your national record of achievement to a job interview.

I bet I did.

I bet my parents made me take it to some

mother kept mine updated for quite a long time after I left school.

Dave, what are modern tech startups after?

Are they after a loyal little Jack Russell yapping at your heels?

Yes.

Or are they after

a renegade who doesn't play by the rules?

No.

Sorry, I've not been in for two months.

I've just been inventing the best new app.

I don't know.

I mean, I was quite proud of my 90, my plus 99% attendance, actually.

So, what happened to the 0.8%, Dave?

Did standards slip?

They're probably snogging Hannah in the bike sheds.

Oh, dear.

Anyway, decent record of achievement.

You'll see on another page, first in the 1500 meters on Sports Day.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Great.

I'm going to give it.

It's 2-0 to Alice.

Because do you know what?

Attendance isn't sad.

No, attendance is good.

And being committed to your bloody education is actually commendable.

I've seen the world's most successful economies run on people who don't bother turning up.

Absolutely not.

No.

So it's 2-0, which means actually it's an unassailable lead, but we're going to play the third round,

which will be

a thing you would give the other person as a present, i.e., an object Ellis you'd give to John, and John you'd give to Ellis.

So, 60 seconds to find a present for each other, and your time starts now.

Time's up, Al.

He's back.

He's got something.

So, Ellis, with, I'd say, 10 seconds to go.

Oh, he's just...

Oh, naughty, Dave.

He realised he'd made an error.

He's come back into the Ellis and John studio set and taken something which is, yeah, is bang on.

It's bang on.

Well, I own that.

Yeah.

So I brought in the Joy Division oven gloves, which I have already given to Ellis as a present.

They're his, but they reside here.

Yes.

Even though I do actually need some oven gloves.

So Joy Division Oven Gloves, which is a half-man, half biscuit song?

Yes, I was listening to Half-Man, Half-Biscuit this week.

Were you?

Yeah,

we had to provide songs for a CrossFit playlist.

All of my workout songs are Half-Man, Half-Biscuit, and I didn't think they would go down too well in the box.

And did they?

Or did you not get played?

No,

I submitted one by War on Drugs and it didn't make it to the final playlist.

Oh, John.

Which track was it?

Red Eyes?

Yeah.

It's a great track.

It's a good track.

So John would give Ellis.

Yeah, I mean,

it's...

In theory, it's a good round to go for, but of course, in practice, we're just in a whole studio of presents full of stuff.

We often already own.

Yes.

So John's gone for Joy Division of Ungloves.

Fine.

Ellis, what would you give to John as a present?

I've gone for.

Is this on final?

Yes.

Oh, is it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is actually final.

This is

a best collection of recorded music I own.

Is Buddha?

It's the best collection of recorded music I own.

It's a vinyl box set of Frank Zappa's The Hot Rat Sessions.

Now, I was doing gigs with John at the Bloomsbury Theatre when this came out.

Yeah.

And he was so excited.

And I turned up to one of the shows and I walked into the dress room.

And John was already there and he was just listening to it in a reverie.

And he could barely speak because he was enjoying the music so much.

So I would give him this because the pleasure it's given him is unlike any other piece of recorded music I can think of, actually.

Possibly Van Morrison or Bonnie Prince.

And they're going to hear a lot of it at Dancing with Dave, Dave.

Yeah.

But

only for the problematic walking.

And I'm not a big Frank Zappa fan.

But I thoroughly enjoyed that.

And this is the one piece of Frank Zappa music or a collection of Frank Zappa's songs I do actually listen to all the time.

Because

love hot rats, and this is so interesting because you see Peaches and Regalia, which was you know, um,

uh, the bed when we were on Five Live, yeah, uh, we're still on five live when we the radio show was live, uh, you see prototypes and early takes and demos, and it's very, very interesting.

So, I would give John that, and a very happy chappie I would be, yeah, uh,

interesting because they're both good presents for each other.

I'm gonna give it to Alice again, I think, because it's a white watch, you sold it in, because they're both bang on.

They're both bang on.

The oven gloves for Ellis, the zapper vinyl for John.

But I think hearing John just in his element in a dressing room listening to this as it first came out, I think it's a three.

Is it three in the whitewash?

It's a three now.

It's a three in the but Rodney

fun game.

Good game.

Search and deploy by Rodney.

Thank you very much.

Do send any made-up games to ellisandjohn at bbc.co.uk, of course.

A whitewash for Ellis there and well deserved.

Some good choosing from him.

And if you've got any Shane Wells, do send them to Ellis and John at bbc.co.uk.

Belter of a Shane Well last week.

And I did enjoy listening back to it, Dave.

Yes.

And if you've got any petty parliaments as well, do send them in to the same address.

But we're all very excited for next week because we're dressing up because Ellis loves dressing up so much.

He loves fancy dress.

He loves preparation.

Yeah.

He loves being creative, doesn't he, Dave?

Yeah, and he wouldn't want to call it wacky.

He wouldn't.

Of course not, but it doesn't have to be.

Because I said last week in light of Ellis's World Book Day rant that we should dress up as something next Friday.

And what is it next Friday, Dave?

Well, there's three days next Friday.

There's three awareness, International Awareness Days next Friday.

We've got International Poetry Day, International Day of Forests.

and World Day for Glaciers.

Glaciers?

Glaciers.

Well, there are more than that awareness days, but only three that we think would be appropriate to dress up.

Yes, you want us

to dress up.

I think John set up something last week unknowingly that I think.

I think he's had one of his great ideas.

I think it's quite weird.

It's funny because people forget, and then on Friday morning, it's World Book Day all over again.

Well, you need to lean into technology.

I might have to come in dressed as it's a bit of like it's World Gareth Bale Day.

Shotgun Glacier.

Okay, so are we taking one each?

Well, what are the days again?

So there's International Poetry Day, International International Day of Forests, and World Day for Glaciers are all happening on the 21st of March, 2025.

I think it's the first ever World Day for Glaciers.

It's bloody time.

It's inaugural.

I've been saying it for years.

It's inaugural Awareness Day.

And good luck to him.

Poetry Day.

What poem could I come dressed as?

Poem or poet?

Could come dressed as the wasteland, Dave.

I could just have a pipe and come dressed as generic poet.

Yeah.

I could come dressed as Madame Sesostris, famous clairvoyant.

Okay, I'm going to tell you.

I'm going to pick.

Okay.

I could come.

World Glacier Day.

A glacier split Scotland during the last Ice Age.

Did it?

Yeah.

And then

sewed it back together.

And I can't remember the name of

there's a valley.

Is this in your book about the Beaker people?

Yes, it is.

It goes diagonally

from north to south.

So you could go dressed as a Scottish person

for World Glacier Day.

You could, actually.

A Kilton Scotland shirt.

Yeah.

I mean, it's good knowledge.

I don't think anyone would get Glacier from Kilton Scotland.

Yeah, you've got to explain it.

You've got to explain it.

That's fine.

Then people are learning.

They're laughing and they're learning, John.

You should then have an ice cube on your like strapped around you to represent it.

Yeah, but that wouldn't build.

Or a fake ice cube.

Johnny.

Yes.

You're

coming as World Day for Glaciers.

Great.

Alice?

That's Glaciers, not Glaciers.

Great, glaciers.

So I'm not coming as PVC Windows.

Ellis, to celebrate International Day of Forests, that's your day.

Have you put it in your Google calendar?

Yes.

And have you put a reminder a couple of days in advance?

Yes.

We will remind.

Don't, you worry.

We'll remind you.

So forests for Ellis.

Glaciers for John.

It'd be as creative as you'd like to be.

Oh, I've got an idea for Ellis that will get him out of a hole.

Oh, really?

Yes.

He's already, brain's already whirring.

It's fascinating to see.

Ellis, are you typing it into your phone or have you clocked out and you're just on your phone?

I'm trying to.

There's a big

value rift in Scotland.

We've lost him.

And I'm trying to remember the name of it.

And it's really getting on my nerves because I was reading about the Beaker People last night.

Dave, there is no chance it's World Beaker People Day next Friday, isn't it?

Because he's only really.

His horizon is the book of non-fiction he's currently reading when's World Beaker People Day date or Cup Day Beaker Day oh there's no officially recognized World Beaker People Day well come on

Ellis you've got to get onto your MP you've got to get some signatures

The Beaker people deserve a day

the Beaker people matter but the Beaker people are a fascinating group from the late Neolithic to early Bronze Age Age in Europe.

Fascinating doesn't go half of the way.

Known for their distinctive bell-shaped pottery vessels.

You could have bought a big vessel, Ellis, if it was Beaker People Day.

Alas, it doesn't exist.

It's not a day recognised.

So, Ellis, were you listening when I told you

what you've got to come as next Friday?

Yep.

World Day for Forests.

And maybe this is how we go a bit more international as well, because these were internationally recognized days.

We're not just confined to the sheet.

I'm not sure if we're going to break America dressed as a forest and a glacier day.

And it's really, really good.

Ellis has gone mad.

It's a big ice age sheet in Scotland.

I could, yeah.

I'm reading.

I've got my copy of Postwar in my bag.

Doesn't have to be anything to do with what you're reading.

It has to be because I can't think of anything else, Dave.

Yeah, but

don't you get it?

He's summarised

in a nutshell.

The book Ellis is reading is like his external hard drive.

I'm reading two books.

I'm reading a Beaker People book and post-war.

Yeah, okay.

And Post-War will take me to Laucus because it's a thousand pages long.

So I can either discuss with confidence Martial Aid

or the Beaker People.

Okay.

And that really is it.

What's the book about the Beaker People called?

Ancient Britain.

Lovely.

Are you going to help him out or not?

Because I've got

an idea he will like.

Okay, are you going to tell him or you can't?

I'm going to buy John a book, actually.

Are you?

As a present.

But then the only thing I'll be able to think about is the book I'm giving to him.

Because if I was reading a book about, I don't know, curries,

all of my references would be to

Fenu Greek.

Yeah, okay.

This is it, Dave.

That's all I've got.

It's agreed, then.

Next Friday, we'll...

Dave, I'm ill.

No, you're not.

It's good stuff.

We'll come as days.

We'll come dressed as our own days.

But will we look like complete

plums on the socials?

I don't know.

Let's see what happens.

I'm texting him my idea now.

Okay.

I still want to look like a Wally.

It'll be a bit of fun, Alice.

Blame John.

You have fun, Dave.

I just read post-war about the Beaker Peak Bull.

That is my fun.

Yeah.

Very true.

Have you texted him?

Yeah, I've texted him it.

Have a look.

John's good.

Oh, he's he done it.

I love this guy.

Yeah, he helps you out.

He helps me.

He helps me all the time.

Maybe you should suggest to John.

I don't want to help him.

I'm just there.

But he helps me.

The thing is, Ellis can only suggest to me Beaker people

or dressing like the post-war.

So dressing like a GI, I should say.

Or Anthony Eden.

Or Anthony Eden.

Dress like it's the Suez Crisis.

Yeah, dress like appeasement.

So, well, look forward to seeing you next week.

I am actually going to take one of these oven gloves home because I keep burning my fingers on baking trays.

Do you?

Are you making cakes now?

What?

Are you making cakes now?

An apple crumble.

Good.

I didn't make it.

I bought it from Tesco.

Yeah.

Oh, are you going to take the oven gloves?

I went in and I bought an apple crumble and a big pot of custard and bumped into someone I knew in a till.

That's okay.

Yeah, I've just eaten some apple crumble and custard on my own.

They don't know that.

Yeah, they do.

They know I'm on my own.

You come all the way here just for the apple crumble and the custard.

Well, why didn't you know it?

Well, why didn't you say you were having a small party, John?

I'm having a party for two people or one person with a big angle

and a big with a big appetite, and they're both like apple crumble and custard.

Hello?

I know.

They like it.

They just can't stop thinking about it.

I'm having a party for two at half past 10 in the morning.

Oh, God.

I'd happily plow through a crumble on my own.

Oh, I did, Dave.

Yeah, but just know you're not alone.

Oh, no, I was.

I was eating an apple crumble designed for three and half a litre of custard on my own.

I know you were alone.

Just dressed as a glacier.

Oh, no, I was wearing my astronaut suit.

Okay.

Well, my beige trousers and my beige top that you say make me look like an astronaut.

And I'd walk to the shop and look at it.

That's your crumble outfit.

That's my crumble outfit now.

Well, well done.

Thanks.

And keep on trucking.

Yeah.

Keep on keeping on.

Well, that's it, unbelievably.

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you very much for listening.

We'll be back with you on Friday for

International

Waza Day Day Day.

International Wazak Day.

International Wazuk Day day.

International Glacier Day and International Day of Forests.

And we will celebrate both days.

It's Glacier, they're not Glacier.

Glacier.

It's Glacier.

No, it's Glacier Day.

And we'll celebrate both.

I've seen the designs for the new Man United stadium.

That's an absolute monstra.

What is that?

100,000 people.

What is it, though?

It looks like a circus, fittingly.

Humour, humour, humour.

But good luck to them.

They need it all.

They need it.

Okay, you say goodbye.

Bye.

Bye.

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