#477 - Oasising, The Sero Clan and Trapped in Neasden

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Hello, welcome to Ellis and John.

And yes, there's a triumphant air in the studio because you're listening to the champions.

Campiones, campiones, oleo, leoli.

Dave, what are we?

The champions.

We're the people's choice, Dave.

Oh, yes.

At the British Podcast Awards.

We're the people's choice.

No, we're not.

The people's choice.

What are we?

We're the judges' choice.

We're the judges' choice.

We're the people's foe.

We're a people's foe.

Yeah.

We

won a British podcast award this week.

Not the people's choice one.

Not the people's choice, because I actually don't care about the people.

No.

That's not true.

I care about the people.

All you care about is the people.

Or all I care about is the people.

And on this occasion, the judges.

One of my favourite things you've ever said is, I have zero interest in elites.

I...

Thank you.

There's a great phrase about that in...

I've said this before in Stuart McConney's book, The Nanny Nanny State Made Me, where he absolutely summarises how I feel about the elites.

And the nanny states.

And the nanny state, and I'm going to go home, and I'm going to find that passage, and I'm going to take a photo of it, and I'm going to text it to you.

Oh, I would love that.

Because your love of...

I was thinking about this the other day.

I admire how

your patriotism is rooted in the experience of people.

It's not rooted in cliché.

So when you love Wales,

you actually love Wales.

You love its history, its language, its people, its industry.

You don't just love symbols.

No.

And I think in increasingly fractured times, that's an incredible example to people.

Oh, thank you.

Do it would be a great TV show.

Me taking a million people around St.

Falcon's.

The folk museum.

A million people at a time.

It would just be you handing out bottles of water to an impossibly long line at the toilets.

They're just going, if you're feeling faint, do sit down.

We have St.

John's ambulance on site.

They can only hold 500 people at a time.

I'm going to take 100,000 of you to the Celtic huts.

Yeah.

And then I'm going to take around quarter of a million of you to Oakdale Miners Institute, which was moved brick by brick in the early 1990s.

It's a great example of a miners' institute.

But I cannot stress this enough, the queue is going to be about 72 hours.

So sort of bring sandwiches.

Yeah, it'd be like sort of like Woodstock, you know, when

you see people trying to leave Woodstock at the end of the festival, and obviously they hadn't added to the infrastructure, Dave.

It was just a guy's farm.

Yeah.

It's half a million people trying to leave at the same time.

But also, your love of sport is similar.

It's not like a worship of millionaires.

No.

I like what it does to people.

And even though you do love badges and kits,

it's about more than just those symbols.

Yeah.

I just think that

sport and music

I like communal events.

And the coal industry.

And the coal industry.

I like big communal events.

I like it when everyone is feeling positive at the same time.

Or sometimes sad.

Yeah.

Which is very much the British Podcast Awards.

Oh, yeah.

We were talking about the British Podcast Awards.

Yeah, I'm just bringing it back, Dave.

Don't worry.

I've got one eye on the hob.

Sweet bird.

Because most people are being very happy and communal.

Some people feel sad when they don't win.

For example, don't win people's choice.

That's fine.

We were there or thereabouts.

We were there or thereabouts.

Definitely in the running.

We were in the mix.

So what did we win, Dave?

We won best comedy podcast in the world ever.

Well, in the UK from the last year.

It does feel like our specialism, comedy.

Yes.

We've dabbled with entertainment.

Oh, we've flirted.

We've dabbled with speech brackets general.

Yeah.

We've dabbled with what else?

Well-being, health and well-being.

That hasn't been recognised this year in any award ceremony.

But that's fine because I don't do it for the awards.

You don't, do you, John?

You do it to increase the sum of global knowledge.

That's very true.

No, he doesn't.

Just money.

John said to me before, we will be getting an award for the British Podcast Awards.

And I said, yeah, we'll get one.

He goes, I will have that.

No, I didn't say that.

I said, I will have one.

Yeah.

I want to have one for myself because as we've discussed many times my awards are my children yes yes and so what i do every night is i gather them round i tell them a story

um i tuck them into bed oh if any of them have any trouble in the night i'm up i'm there to tend them yeah to shine them um

to

you know get them to school in the morning get them into a good state secondary school yeah i mean the catchment areas in in my um my local

yeah it's a nightmare it's a nightmare but they'll be happy wherever they are.

Yes.

But not the worst ones.

We want the worst schools.

That's because you're a good dad.

I'm a good dad.

I've taught them up well.

I've taught them the importance of money.

Yeah.

I've taught them the importance of value and of efficiency.

Yes.

But I like to think I've also passed on a thing or two

about love.

It's not all about money.

It's not all about academic success.

It is a bit about money because they're blooming extortionate.

If you want about 300 quid if you

from block and plastic, you're sneaking the money off.

But they're bespoke, aren't they?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a bespoke Perspex award, sometimes metal.

Yeah.

Always heavy.

Always heavy.

We are genuinely very happy, though.

Imagine if you attacked an intruder, or there was an intruder in your house, and the only weapon to hand was one of your awards.

I would use the Edinburgh Comedy Award nomination award.

Is it the heaviest?

No, but it's the most.

I could fit it in, like, it would be the most versatile.

Okay.

The misleading awards that you have, John, that you would think would really do some damage, but I imagine wouldn't, Taskmaster.

Yeah, that's no good.

It's no good.

It's better said, it's polystyrene.

Yeah, right.

It's no good.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I could impress them with it if an intruder came into my house.

Yeah.

I'd say, do you watch Taskmaster?

They'd be like, yeah, I've seen clips of it.

I'll be like, well, look, I've seen it.

But I was on it.

And they were like, I don't remember you.

And I was like, I got the highest ever score.

They were like,

were you the guy who took it quite seriously and didn't make me laugh?

That's me.

You were turning.

And he would go, no, no, no, I'm the other one.

And then we'd, I often have an idea for like

a captivating short story about an intruder who sort of falls in love with the person they're robbing from based on some of their possessions.

They fall in love quite quickly then.

It's based on its basis autobiographical.

Yeah.

yeah so you could fall in love with a woman based on her possessions in the sort of 90 seconds or so you're in someone's house when you're trying to rob it well no but i the original idea was someone is hiding in the back seat of a car to like abduct someone yeah and the person driving puts on a song and the person hiding gets sort of like um

completely engrossed in the song because they've never heard music like that before.

And then they have to sort of back out of the abduction or the carjacking or whatever it is.

They're going, who's this?

Who would it be?

The Fratellis?

Yeah, maybe the Fratellis.

I've never heard music like this before.

So anyway, so yes, thank you very much for the award.

That was good fun.

Yes.

Unfortunately, we couldn't collect it in person because we were visiting Ellis's old GP in Newcastle.

Yes, because we keep in touch.

You keep in touch.

Because, to be honest, she had such a lovely bedside man.

Yeah.

And she got you through some difficult times in the 90s.

Yes, and she was the person who said, actually, I don't think you need a ventilator inhaler.

Yeah.

I think Eurasma's psychosomatic.

And I said, thanks.

And then we went to

try and spot some rare hawks just outside Edinburgh, didn't we, Dave?

We did.

And unfortunately, they evaded us.

But we will be back.

We will be back.

Saw some red

And that sort of satisfied us enough, I think.

John

Dave and I oasised.

I know you did.

I saw photos of you oasising.

And it felt nice.

Fun fact.

I was down the front and behind me.

No, are you going to say who it was?

Yeah.

I think you should try and get John to guess.

Okay, an Uber.

Well, actually, I think I saw two.

There's like a sort of celebrity enclosure wooden shed for the top celebs.

Did you see that?

Yeah, that you're glued to.

I turned round because someone said, oh my God, look who's in there.

Yeah.

Would you like to guess?

Hollywood A-lister.

20 questions.

That could take a while.

Well, you've already answered the first.

Like, yes, it's a Hollywood A-lister.

It's a Hollywood A-list.

Can I just tell him I actually hate guessing games?

Well, I like

that.

It's good fun.

All right, then.

Matthew McConaughey.

Yes.

How do you know that?

Was it?

Yeah, possibly.

No, I didn't know that.

I'm great at guessing games.

He's the first Hollywood A-listener that came into my head.

Did you see him on Graham Norton on Friday night?

Dave,

how much money do you think you would get if you put a bet on the bookies that I watched Graham Norton?

You'd actually lose your stake.

He never misses it, Dave.

He loves it.

I mean, respect Graham Norton.

He's a great interviewer, but I don't watch that.

I don't watch that kind of thing, Dave.

No.

Yeah, but yeah, social media, it might have just popped up as a clip.

My algorithms know me, Dave.

Yeah.

It's women with big chests doing DIY, Dave.

It's women with big chests doing DIY.

Trauma advice from therapists.

And new Frank Zappa releases.

Okay.

Ah, cool.

I can confirm that during cigarettes and alcohol, he posnoned.

Yes.

Oh, did he?

The posnan is when you turn around.

Oh, yeah, I know.

And you put your arms around the other people's shoulders and you bounce up and down.

And I always assumed that in the posh celebrity shed that it was quite a sedate atmosphere in there.

But actually, they were loving it just like everyone else.

Words from Casabian, I think, Cumberbatch, but my glasses had steamed up.

Cumber.

Yeah.

So I think I recognised Cumberbatch, but my glasses had steamed.

It's slightly unfortunate given that earlier on I praised Ellis for his quote, I have zero interest in elites.

Well, yeah, but now he's listing celebrities.

Well, I wasn't with them.

No, it was.

I hosted my friend Kate.

Well, you had an interest in them.

It is interesting when you see Matthew McConaughey just stood to, because I saw him as well when I came over to say hello to you.

It's just, it's unexpected.

It is unexpected.

So therefore it's quite fascinating.

Do you swoon, Dave?

Because you're obsessed with elites.

I am obsessed with elites.

You've got so many royal plates in your kitchen.

I was there with Kate's friend Hannah, and she made them, who I've met a few times, but I don't know particularly well, but she made the mistake between Richard Ashcroft and the Verve, between Ash Ashcroft and Oasis, of saying, isn't it good that Liam and Noel found their style 30 years ago and it hasn't changed?

And I said, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I said, you do not understand Kagul nuance.

And I am going to have to send you a dossier of photos.

So I need your email address and your phone number right now.

And I just would not let it lie.

I was like, the Kaguls have changed for God's sake.

Can we go back to Kagul chat?

We did a lot of Kaguyle chat.

We got back to Oasis chat.

We've already talked about Easy being Oasis gigs.

Yeah, there's not, genuinely, from my my perspective there's not loads more to offer because it was just blumming great i just kept saying he's such a great communicator

which made him sound like alastair campbell

but it was uh it was very good although i i made a mistake i'm not going to say whose idea it was because it wasn't mine but you know when you leave wembley you've got to walk down olympic way

to get to wembley park station and there's 30,000 people all doing the same thing.

So they sort of let people on the platform at like 5,000 at a a time and you wait then it takes an hour a friend of mine thought that she was going to game the system oh using the lift no she said why don't we walk to kneesdun

because this is going to take at least an hour yeah we can get to nisen which is the next stop quicker than that so we'll just get on the tube at nisden and we emmed in hard about it and i thought and i oh i've already seen the flaw in this plan yeah which i think i saw but i didn't want to i didn't want her to walk on her own so i went with it But you could have told her her plan was flawed.

I did

to an extent.

So we walked to Neasden, and then the tube was closed, and then we were just in Neasden.

Yeah.

I didn't see it coming.

Well, no, I assumed that the train would be full.

Well, that was what I said.

I said, I'm a bit worried that we're not going to get on at Neasden because obviously everyone would have got on.

Why was Neasden closed?

Because by the time we'd walked there, one of our party had had a wee in a bush at a Tesco.

It had taken ages.

I think to prevent people from doing that, they just stop people getting on at those stops.

And it's a Sunday night, and seemingly they didn't take you just missed the last train from Neesden.

So basically, I missed the last train.

So that's not a flaw in her plan, that's a flaw in the execution.

Yeah, I mean, it was, I would say the last train from Neesden was earlier than I anticipated.

But you hadn't checked?

No.

No.

Okay.

But we had a lovely walk.

And then what did you do when you were in Neesden?

There were about 600 people who'd done the same thing as us all trapped.

We fired a minibus together.

We were trapped in Neeson.

One woman booked

a cab to Morden in South London and said, I'm going to South London.

Does anyone want to get in?

And then my friend then got a cab to Hackney,

which is where she lives, but crucially the opposite direction to where I live.

So I got in the cab with her and then she dropped me off in Highbury and I got a cab from there.

But I couldn't get one initially, so I started walking home and it's 11 miles.

Why didn't you get the cab to Morgan?

Because I didn't know this woman.

So?

And

I wanted to be with my friend.

So then I got in at about...

I got in at 1.28.

Oh, my goodness me.

Dave got in at 1 and he'd been for a curry.

Well,

I thought I'd game the system in my own way.

By having a curry outside Wembley Stadium until the crowd's dispersed.

Well, that makes more sense than his plan.

It does, but carnage, because on the Tannoy,

when there's still, I would say, probably 300 people getting onto the platform, the Tannoy then comes up and says, The next train is the last train.

So everyone's then panicking and people can't get on.

Everyone's ranning to get onto this train that was full, but everyone knows that it's now or never.

Yeah.

So there was fracases.

Is that the right word?

There was kind of

scuffles at one point because everyone just got very stressed.

But again,

put more trains on.

Wembley is such an awkward place if you don't don't live in Wembley.

Yes.

Like it's this.

So the Millennium Stadium, for instance, in Cardiff is right in the centre of town.

So you've got so many options.

You couldn't put Wembley in the centre of London, though.

No, but Newcastle,

Newcastle, St James's Park, is in the centre of town.

There are, I would say, Wembley, considering it's the National Stadium, is actually

quite an odd place.

And considering they rebuilt it in time for 2011, they could have chosen to build it anywhere with loads of car parks and stuff.

But they built it on the site of the original Wembley.

I think that makes more sense than moving it to Oxford Street.

No, no, but you could build it in a place with better transport links than Wembley.

It's not that bad.

Oh, it's a ball lake, Wembley, I think.

It's got two train stations and it's on three different lines.

I think it's a ball lake if you don't check when the last train is.

Of all the complaints for both of you.

No, I don't.

Yeah.

But I've

got a plan.

Yeah, absolutely.

But

I've had a better time leaving bigger stadiums.

Well, not bigger, but certainly stadiums that are as big than Wembley.

It always takes absolutely ages to get out of Wembley.

We were very happy to be there, weren't we?

I was very, very, very happy, which is why I didn't mind.

Yeah.

I was just singing Live Forever.

I was just saying, we'll see things they'll never see about Neesden.

Who's been to Neesden?

I've never been to Neesden.

I had a lovely moment halfway through Cigress and Alcohol, started bouncing around next to this guy, put my arm around him, and he shouts in my ear, are you on email?

Just Just a random stranger.

He's lovely.

During Half the World Away, I wasn't as emotional this time, but I did cry during Half the World away.

And a big cockney man who was massive put his, he was wearing a lovely Sergio Takini smock.

He put his arm around me and he went, Mate, the songs just mean so much.

They mean so much.

And Kate went to get a drink.

And he looked, he tapped on the shoulder.

He went, I'll look after him.

So sweet.

Oh, that's it.

I'm done now.

And we're never seeing them again, are we?

Never again.

What?

The Yeti hub next year?

Because he ended by saying, see you next year.

See you next year.

Champagne soup and over.

Yeah.

And I will see him next year.

Okay.

So we've got this again next summer.

Good stuff.

They are unparalleled.

I have had my fill now, though, John.

You've been me too.

I haven't.

Let's draw a line under it.

I'm in parallel.

Who else can make a big 44, big cockney man in a Sergiotakini smock hug a 44-year-old man who's in tears?

Where else does that happen?

They mean so much.

Good.

Well done, Oasis.

Well done, everyone.

Well done, music.

Well done, music.

Let's have some of your correspondence.

This is from Christina.

Hello, my intrepid interlocutors.

While I'm sure Amazon has a fine selection of sexy flags available, I'd wager none can beat the Commonwealth of Virginia's effort.

Our flag features a woman holding a spear standing over the body of a conquered foe.

It features the motto Six Semper Tyrannis, meaning thus always to tyrants.

Wow.

Powerful women who defeat tyrants are quite sexy and crucially, one of her boobs is out.

Yes.

And Christina includes a photo of the sexiest flag.

Wow.

The tyrant she's defeated looks thrilled to bits.

Just lying there with a her.

Well, and as thrilled as a corpse can be.

Yeah, but with a woman with a boobel standing on his chest.

So unless anyone's got any advance on that, currently the leader for Commonwealth of Virginia, the state of Virginia, is the world's sexiest.

I can't imagine getting sexier than that.

I'm not sure you can.

No.

Not with a flag that's, you know,

available pre-watershed.

Yeah.

There's nothing sexier than a powerful woman, especially when she's carrying, in the case of this flag, a big scroll.

Oh, yeah.

So we've had sexy flags coming in.

Yeah, we've had a really, really harrowing email about arm wrestling, and so it's an Ellison John recommendation: don't do it.

Yes, don't arm wrestle at home.

Because, Greg Elias, oh my god, your email is going to live with me for the rest of my life.

So, as I said, it's an Ellison John recommendation.

Don't do it.

Dave,

you've always been the king of fake news and misinformation.

I would like to challenge that.

Dave,

you and RFK Jr., I know for a fact, are on a WhatsApp group

called

They'll Have What They're Given and Like It.

That's the name of the WhatsApp group.

And I'm going to put a stop to this because Sam in Glasgow has got in touch.

Hi guys.

I just wanted to bring to your attention that producer Dave gave out false information on Friday's show.

I think I know.

When talking about his strict skincare routine, he said that you should, quote, whack on a bit of moisturizer, leave it a couple of minutes, then put some serum on.

This is not correct.

Is it not?

He's spreading false information, which I don't believe the BBC are keen on doing.

Oh, it's the other way around.

The rule of thumb in skincare is to apply products from thinnest to thickest consistency.

Yes, I see.

So each layer can absorb properly.

Yeah.

Cleanser first.

Toner slash essence next.

Serum third.

Moisturizer.

Sunscreen.

Right, yeah.

And I do know that.

I got.

Then why are you lying to everyone?

Why do you hurt me, Dave?

Why do you lie?

No, I've not had serum in the mix for a while just because I've not bought any, all right?

So it's not something that's fresh in my head.

I do know that serum goes on first.

I've just not done it for a while.

Therefore, the practice of serum into moisturizer wasn't front and center.

How long have you been seruming?

I've never serumed in my life.

I've serumed.

I've been part of the Ciro clan for about nine months.

Have you?

yeah who recommended that to you then hannah really yeah yeah serum serum's good stuff i actually think izzy would lose respect for me if i developed a like facial skincare routine why

i think she's quite old-fashioned you moisturize your face i do yeah after a shower yeah but it's you know it's a good way of winding down to get a good sleep hygiene which you need it's 20 minutes to yourself before you go to bed cleansing toning you know feeling good about yourself i've got time for that you have yeah you're having listen to shumpin' supernova We spent four hours getting back from Wembley the other night.

Yeah, that was a mistake.

You can't gain the system.

You just can't do it, Div.

This is an interesting email from Creole.

Hello, my little rice cakes.

Long-ish time listener, thank you.

First time emailer, I was inspired to write in for in the most recent episode released Friday, twenty-sixth of September, after a brief discussion about how the UK has had such a huge musical impact on the world, disproportionate to its small size as a country.

When talking with one of my Korean friends at that time, we ended up discussing the very same thing with regards to our respective countries.

The Korean peninsula is of a broadly similar size to the UK, and K-pop has become a worldwide phenomenon in a way resembling Beatlemania.

It certainly has.

The kids are obsessed with it.

Well, my friend

K-pop Demon Hunter gig with her niece, and she said it was just the most

she couldn't understand at all what the attraction was, but it was mad.

It is mad.

K-pop Demon Hunters is one of of the most streamed Netflix shows of all time.

Yeah, my kids love that.

What is it?

What is it?

I've never actually watched it.

It's just on all the time.

It's a cartoon, isn't it?

It is a cartoon.

Hantrix, that's one of them, I think.

Right.

And they sing K-pop songs.

There's one tune that is incredibly catchy.

Is it the My Little Coco Pop?

Oh, I don't know.

Something like that.

It's not Coco.

My Lil Alco Pop.

It's a peppercarti breezer.

No,

it is a phenomenon.

My friend was a huge fan of the Beatles, owning stones and glass animals.

And she told me that in Korea, there's a sort of jokey cultural observation that in order to make such good music, the UK sacrificed having good food.

Well, a defend sausage and mash with peas and gravy any day of the week.

I actually ate that yesterday.

Her words have always stuck with me and seem pretty hard to disagree with.

It's an interesting idea that

in the UK we had to sacrifice certain things and one of them was food that tastes nice so that we could have the Beatles and the Stones and Oasis, etc.

Soda pop, my little soda pop.

My little soda pop, that's the one, yeah, yeah.

Not my little alcam.

This is from Kim.

A hoy hoy across the pond, pals.

I'm a PCD from Los Angeles, who, like Alice, has suffered from fitful sleep.

I was wondering if he'd ever tried switching up his laying direction on nights.

He finds it difficult to fall asleep, i.e., lying down with his head at the foot of the bed and feet at the head of the bed.

This has often worked wonders for me.

I used to do that when I was a kid.

I'll be tossing and turning my usual bed configuration, switch it up, be out like a light in minutes.

I don't know why it works.

I have my hunches, and I could Google Bing, duck, duck, go it, but instead I'm choosing to believe it's magic.

I need more whimsy in my life.

Love the show, been listening to you dulcet tones for almost a decade now.

Thanks for all the laughs, Kim.

I think I might try that next time.

The problem is, it's hard if you're sharing a bed with someone.

It's where your feet are.

It's where your feet have been as well.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know whether I want to put my head where feet are.

Oh, I don't care.

I don't.

Oh, did you come to me last night?

You know, when everyone starts checking beer at the start of hello first song, loads of things plopped into my pint.

Oh, my goodness.

I drank it anyway.

So looking forward.

But I don't seem to have hepatitis.

No.

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Find out more at bbc.com/slash join.

Hello, my radio gaganshuans.

I've listened with Sympathy to Alice's tales of insomnia in the last episode and wanted to share a couple of things that have worked for me.

Not sure if you've discussed it before, but cognitive shuffling is very effective.

Have you heard of that, John?

Cognitive shuffling.

Isn't that sort of a variation of counting sheet?

Yes, this is where you think of a word, e.g., bedtime, and you think of words beginning with each letter.

I prefer to go through the alphabet to give myself a theme, e.g., words I like, animals, countries, places, etc.

The trick is, if you get stumped on a letter, just move on or your ruminating brain will take over again.

Something else that works for me is to pretend that the sleep Gestapo are going to be arriving shortly to check if everyone in the house is asleep.

That sounds quite intense.

I mean, I can't imagine being sort of

having a lullaby sung to me by the sleep Gestapo.

Anyway, if not, the people who aren't asleep will get taken outside and forced to clean the car.

If you genuinely try to look asleep, you will let your whole body flop, let your face slide, jaw slightly gape, etc.

I know this sounds bonkers, but it works in the same way as John's process of going through the body, relaxing each part.

Remember, you don't know when the sleep Gestapo will arrive.

You work in the same way as completely different things.

So you need to get into a position that you'll be comfortable for in a while.

You don't know when the sleep Gestapo will arrive.

This is mad.

Best still, try the sleep Gestapo trick followed by cognitive shuffling while you wait.

Sweet dreams to you all, Steph.

Not sure.

No.

I'm pretty sure I disagree on all counts.

Sounds stressful.

Yeah.

I think the cognitive shuffling would keep me up and I think I'd be scared by the sleep Gestapo.

But I'm going to try sleeping at the foot of the bed instead.

I think I'll give that one a go.

Very good.

This is from Roddy.

This is we've spoken about Roddy before because Roddy wrote their PhD on cryptic crosswords and modernism.

Okay.

And Roddy says, Thank you for reading out my email about cryptic crosswords and T.

S.

Eliot on the show a few weeks ago.

I would, of course, be delighted to review any clues or puzzles you've written if you're still looking for a test solver.

You, John, have appeared in my next grid for the Independence Cryptic Crossword out in October, by the way.

Do you want to hear the clue?

Emotional.

Not very well.

Go on.

Puzzles force John Robbins to lose heart, six letters.

Roddy goes on.

I hope that the opposite is true.

I attach a copy of my thesis to this email, Cryptic Modernism: Reading Puzzlement in Poetry, 1886-1966.

I'd be very interested to know why those dates were chosen.

What's significant about 1866 and 1966?

Well, I think that's probably the broad definition of modernism.

Okay.

So, was there a clue in there that we had to try and guess?

Yes, puzzles force John Robbins to lose heart.

Six letters.

Six letters.

I mean, but

Defeat.

No.

No, but.

Not bad.

Do you know the answer?

Well, defeat wouldn't work

because it's not synonymous with either puzzles or lose heart.

No.

I've got it.

Have you?

Yeah.

Wordle.

No.

It would have to be wordles.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Wordles.

No, it's not wordles.

Okay.

I don't know how I'm I don't I don't know to do cryptic crosswords.

So every cryptic crossword 99% of the time has two halves to it, a literal definition and a cryptic definition.

And the key to learning them is trying to work out where that break comes.

So in this one, you could have to lose heart could be the definition.

It couldn't be robbins to lose heart, because there's no word for robbins to lose heart.

Or it could be heart.

Or it could be puzzles.

It couldn't be puzzles force, because there's no word synonymous with that.

So I think we can establish that the word we're looking for either means puzzles, lose heart, or heart.

So then half of the clue is going to be giving you instructions for what to do with the little bits that it's giving you, the sort of fodder.

And because lose heart suggests movement,

we can

work off a supposition that that is in the part of the clue that is the cryptic definition.

Not always.

So puzzles force John Robbins to lose heart.

I'm going to put the comma after puzzles.

So puzzles, comma, force John Robbins to lose heart.

So how do I construct a word that means puzzles from force John Robbins to lose heart?

Well, often words in cryptic crosswords stand for letters.

Force is F.

That's a mathematical thing or a physics thing.

John Robbins to lose heart.

Well, that would leave, what would that leave?

J-O-N-S.

Well, F-J-O-N-S

doesn't mean anything.

I have quite a late night.

So I think John might be another part.

So another word for John is, unfortunately, a loo.

Maybe that's because actually where all of the greats do their thinking.

So F-Lou,

Robbins to lose heart.

If we take the heart out of Robbins, that leaves R and S, giving us flaws.

Puzzles.

It flaws me.

It puzzles me.

F-L-Double O.

Yeah.

Right.

So there you get flaws.

Okay.

And that's the solution.

You're clever.

Isn't he clever?

Yeah.

In a way.

He keeps using his powers for evil.

No, he's not.

He's intelligent of a kind.

He is.

They're very intelligent, John.

I would never have got that.

Well, you just

have to teach yourself all the little tricks and trades.

But thank you very much, Roddy.

I I really enjoyed that.

Enjoyed doing that in my mind this morning with my cup of tea.

Well, that soured the atmosphere in the room.

It has soured.

No, no, no, no, no.

Talks about Oasis for 16 minutes.

Yeah, and I don't get 90 seconds on a cryptic crossword.

I'm not longer than 90 seconds.

And there is no such thing as the people's cryptic crossword.

Look at me and tell me I was not engaged.

No, you were engaged, thank you, Dave.

Can't speak for Alice.

I tell us who's being cruel than me.

I wasn't being cruel.

cruel.

I was a bit flat, but I certainly wasn't cruel.

But I made mistakes yesterday.

Yeah.

And I'm paying for them.

Blowing, Nora.

Just leave them, Dave.

They're a waste of time.

Aren't they?

Why?

Just don't put them on.

Take them off.

It doesn't matter.

Everyone knows they're on the BBC.

We're talking about our BBC magnets that go on a boss.

We're on the BBC and all the videos.

The videos are posted by the BBC.

No one is looking at the base of our microphones going, what?

Hang on.

Who makes this?

What channel's this?

It must be some kind of like pirate station.

There's no branding on their microphone.

Is this Radio Luxembourg?

Do you remember when Wondry tried to make me have microphones that look like Willie's, Dave?

Why?

They tried to get.

They did it.

They tried to make me have pink microphones.

Just look a bit like Willie's.

Why?

Just like Big Willie's.

So how'd you cope?

Is John's podcast that

was on Wondry?

Now defunct.

Now defunct.

God rest his soul.

Wondery, that is, not the podcast.

Yes.

Yes.

And the colour tone and the colour palette of How'd you cope is pink?

Because of my t-shirt.

Yeah, traumatic pink.

So we got nice little mic muffs like this that said, How do you cope down the side?

In penis pink.

Happened to be flesh pink.

Penis pink.

And they brought them in day one.

And I was just immediately went, nope,

no

the problem is when you consider the

the content and the tone of the podcast you don't want the comments to just be why is he talking to a big penis yeah exactly it would be so inappropriate so do you know what the middle ground was Ellis what we got magnets for the bottom of the blooming mics didn't we and they looked great yeah they did but people still knew what it was they did they did

just these little touches John I think they're important this is from Hannah Good evening, lads.

I thought you might find it funny to know that earlier this evening, I got locked in my bedroom of my third-floor flat without my phone and had to lean out of the window to call for help.

The fire brigade had to come and break me out, and at some point during the emergency, I did have to turn off my Bluetooth speaker that was playing today's episode because it was not helping the situation.

Oh, no.

I generally find listening to your podcast very comforting.

However, I didn't think having your voices mixed in would have helped while I was also leaning most of my body out the window, shouting, hello, can anybody hear me?

i probably could do a better job telling the story but my nerves are absolutely wrecked from the whole ordeal and i only just remembered that detail and thought you'd find it funny thanks to the company hannah oh sorry to hear that happened to you hannah well ellis may be sorry i've got questions okay how did you get locked in your bedroom

the lock could come off whilst it's locked i i got

thus opening the door i got locked in my bedroom when i was a student but i can't remember how it happened secondly why did you call the fire brigade if you get locked in your bedroom?

Well, what would you do?

Either wait till someone else got home or kick the door down.

Maybe Hannah doesn't feel comfortable.

Maybe she's in slippers and she doesn't want to kick the door down.

Or use a piece of furniture to break the door down.

How did she call it?

I haven't got anything in my.

How did she call the fire brigade?

I haven't got anything in my bedroom.

No piece of furniture that I could use to kick the door down.

I wouldn't be able to kick the door down, I don't think.

You'd be able to do it with your shoulder like men in films.

Well, Izzy certainly couldn't.

No, but Izzy would wait till you got in.

But what if I'm on tour?

Well, she'd wait and wee in a bin.

I did get locked in my bedroom.

It was a big joke for a long time, but I can't remember the circumstances.

So if Hannah lives on her own or the other people who she lives with aren't in, she doesn't want to bash the door down with her shoulder, which is fair enough.

I might kick the door if I had shoes on, but I don't have wear shoes in the house.

And I'm not going to kick kick a door with my bare feet.

Come on.

Because it would hurt.

Yeah.

I don't think I could do.

I wouldn't kick a door with my bare feet either.

Or slippers.

So who else do you call?

Locksmith.

Also, it's saying here.

Well, how do they get in?

Well, they're a locksmith.

That's their job.

But she didn't call a locksmith.

No, she called an emergency service.

But she's leaning out of the window shouting, hello, can anybody hear me?

So I reckon someone might have rung the fire brigade around.

Couldn't have someone found a ladder.

Yeah.

Is there, I'll tell you what, this requires a non-emergency line for the fire brigade, like you have for the police and the NHS.

Right.

To go, look, the fire's under control at the minute,

but it could get out of control.

Yeah.

Or...

There's a bit of smoke,

but not a lot of smoke.

What would you advise?

There's a cat looking at a tree, but it's not stuck up it yet.

Yes.

Maybe she's got a chub lock on her door.

Some houses do have sort of interior chub locks.

So that could be a nightmare.

But that would be.

But no, even then you could get out from the inside.

Hannah, I'm going to need to see Pixar.

It didn't happen, I'm afraid.

She's also traumatised, so she says herself she hasn't done a very good job of explaining the story.

Hannah, if you're listening, I hope we're not.

This isn't too traumatic for you.

It's not great.

Send us an email, a follow-up email with an explanation.

You live alone.

If you locked yourself in your bedroom,

how could that happen?

If it's happened, this is

hypothetical.

Well, it happened to Hannah.

So it's happened to you.

How do you get out of your bedroom?

Well, it depends on how I'd got locked in.

If, say, the handle had come off the door,

I would use

if I didn't have any tools in my room.

That's unlikely.

Oh,

you don't live alone.

I like to keep a toolbox in every room in the house.

I climb out of the window.

Is Hannah on the third floor?

Yeah.

Too risky.

I wouldn't be able to climb out of our window.

I would call for my neighbour.

Okay.

And then what's she going to do?

I think she's got the phone number of the previous owners who may have a spare key and could get it couriered to me.

Okay.

Which sounds very relaxing.

Yes.

You haven't got your phone either.

No.

So you're just shouting for your next meeting?

I would email a locksmith.

How?

Using my laptop.

Oh, that's in your bedroom, is it?

Yeah.

So you're going to email a locksmith.

Yeah, I would Google a lockman.

Well, I'd FaceTime a locksmith from my laptop.

I think it's tricky.

I've got a lot of sympathy for Hannah, but I don't know.

I would like to know more details.

I once tried to.

I was locked out of my house.

I was with my friend, so he can vouch for this.

That was Big Dave, actually, that I was with.

Do you remember Big Dave that you spoke to at the Apollo, who said that no girls fancied me?

Yes.

one of our shows big dave my mate big dave was in the crowd he was with me at home i had tried to climb through you know like the thin windows at the top that you know not a big yeah yeah window one of the thin ones that when i was a reiki 16 year old i thought i could just about get through so i get halfway in oh my jeans get caught on one of the little things you know that have the whole bar that come across So I'm now just suspended with one leg on the outside and one leg on the inside.

And I couldn't stop laughing.

So I got a cramp in one of my legs, which is so painful.

And then the neighbours came around and said, Are you okay, Dave?

I was like, Not really.

What are you doing up there, Dave?

But they couldn't shift me because the weight of me coming down and because the jeans had now been impaled by the little metal thing, there was nowhere for me to go.

So they had to kind of like hoist my legs.

What happened?

Because you're here now.

So what happened?

You didn't die on that window.

I think big day, because big Dave is big.

You've met Big Dave.

He's big.

He's big.

big man.

Big man.

I think he must have figured out how to hoist my leg up to get to unhook the gene, and then I eventually just fell in.

Right, well, should we do Ask Us Anything, Dave?

It's a bit of fun.

Yes, yes, it is.

You're gonna sing your little song.

Well, yes, we've got it recorded, haven't we?

Forever.

Okay, let's do Ask Us Anything.

Ask us anything, anything you wanna know.

Is it sunny?

is it rainy, or is it gonna snow?

Send your questions in, answers you will surely get.

What's your shoe size, what's the name of your very first pet?

If you're curious, get in touch and scoop.

The innocence of Mo Tucker singing, I'm sticking with you.

Are you roll-on?

on?

Are you natural?

Or are you spray?

Very good, Dave.

Well done.

And now I do know what you mean when you said it sounded like a track off Lou Reed's Transformer.

Transformer.

Did you listen to it?

Yeah.

Did you like it?

Yeah, I put on the group and said this is a mad song.

New conversation.

Yeah, it's...

I didn't love it.

What?

I didn't love it.

It was a bit too...

I don't know whether I've just recorded that, but

it was quite comedic for Lou and I think I like Lou to be quite serious Dave you weren't around in the new in New York in the early 70s Dave what was it like John tell me well Dave

it was the contrast of the absurd and the violent right it was a town where cabaret acts drag queens would mix with corrupt cops and drug dealers, Dave.

And in that melting pot came Lou Reed, came Andy Warhol, came the Velvet Underground.

Yeah.

Okay.

Are you taking heroin or are you dressing as a clown for a bit?

Right.

And they were both fair game.

Both fair game.

Okay.

All right.

So ask us anything.

I'd like to go back to New York in the 70s as a ghost.

Yes, that couldn't be stabbed.

So I could observe.

Or shot.

Yes.

Yeah.

Where would you like to go back to as a ghost, Dave?

Where would I like to go back to?

I owe more so on Little Sleep.

So it's tricky.

Yeah, you two

I'm ill, you're hungover Woodstock as a ghost.

Yeah, so the brought his own sandwiches and toilets.

So I'm one of those ghosts who walks around with a portaloo.

I'd like to go back to the Man City era of Belle, Somerby and Lee to see them all play together.

As a ghost.

As a ghost.

But why wouldn't you want to go back there as a person?

I thought, well, that wasn't the question.

No, but the advantage of going back as a ghost is you don't have to, in Ellis's case, in New York, get beaten up or robbed.

Oh, well, I'll be on the pitch.

Okay, but you could.

You stand in the centre, sir.

Yeah, but you can do that as a person and have an even better experience.

Yeah, yeah, stand on the pitch while you're playing.

To help you,

if I was going back to watch the swans play in 81, 82 when we're in the first division,

I think I could blend in and I think I could watch that as a person.

and enjoy it.

So I'm on the North Bank, etc.

And also a lot of the very visceral,

sort of corporeal experiences would add to it.

So, the smell of frying onions,

the burgers.

New York in the 70s, I wouldn't know what the rules were, so I'd like to be a ghost.

So, I'd like to go back.

In Woodstock, I wouldn't know what the rules were, and there weren't enough toilet facilities, and there wasn't enough places to get food.

So, I want to be a ghost that doesn't get hungry.

So, I want to go back as a ghost to the 16th century in London.

Yeah.

And I would like to walk from Elephant and Castle to like Oxford Circus and go over London Bridge when it was full of houses.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But as a ghost.

As a ghost.

Whereas I would like to go back to Camden in the 90s and drink in the Good Mixer with Blur and all of the other bands as a person because I would be able to fit in.

Because if I went back to London in the 16th century as a person, I would immediately get food poisoning from anything I touched.

It would stink.

Yeah, there'd be dead cats everywhere.

And I would die of disease within an hour.

Yeah.

Exactly.

I would like to watch The Strokes and the Ayayas in New York as a person,

but I would like to observe the Blitz as a ghost.

I would like to see both Frank Zappa and Queen in 1974 as a person, but I would like to go back to

the Middle East in the time of Christ as a ghost, because it would be too hot.

Perfect.

And they didn't have sunburnt.

And ghosts don't get hot.

Ghosts don't get hot.

Or don't get sunburnt.

Can I have another go?

Yes.

No, it's not.

It's not Zanti 2003, is it?

That's as a person.

That's as a person.

Cavos 2004 is person.

Person.

What about the era of, ooh, the Colosseum, Marcus Aurelius.

Great example.

As I'd look

as a ghost, big time.

Don't get eaten by a tiger.

Or whatever they do.

Whatever they do.

Dinosaurs.

Oh, yes.

Ghosts.

Absublimin.

Exactly.

Seeing the Smiths live in Manchester, 1985.

Person.

Yes.

Okay.

Ibiza, 2005.

Person.

Got it.

Pirates.

Person.

No, ghosts.

Pirates.

Pirates as a ghost.

Pirates as a ghost.

I would like to have gone on a pilgrimage from Canterbury to Durham.

As a ghost.

No.

As a person.

Oh, yeah, as a ghost in like the ninth century.

A ghost.

You ghosted.

Yeah, that's all service stations.

There's no way to buy food.

You've got to ghost that.

Yeah, you've got to ghost that.

The ghost that can fly.

Yeah.

but i would like to go to medina to watch the miracle of medina in the gulf in the gulf as a person yeah yeah yeah yeah i'd like to revisit euro 2016 as a person yeah 1930s tea room in pre-war london person

interesting yes i want to taste the cake yeah i want to taste the tea i want to taste the beer yes yes yes person give me the cake yeah yeah um

i think we've covered them all Yeah.

So ask us anything, Dave.

It would be funny if it was what time do you want to go back to as a ghost and as a person?

Ask us anything.

This one's aimed at you, Ellis from Matthew.

How excited are you?

He's actually aimed this at me as well, but I don't know enough about this to offer an informed opinion.

So it's coming straight to you, L.

And John, actually.

How excited are you for the Beatles anthology remastered by Peter Jackson's team?

Hugely excited.

Talk to me about the significance.

There's new footage, a new episode, I think.

And I think, is it released in November?

Oh, really?

So the Beatles anthology

was the thing that got me into the Beatles.

And I could not believe what I was seeing.

It was an amazing documentary that was shown on ITV between November and December 1995.

It tells the story of the Beatles.

Can you still watch it anywhere at the minute?

It's almost impossible to watch on a streaming site.

Right.

So they

because it just hasn't been re-released.

So presumably they were planning this.

So hang on, what?

They just remastered the tapes?

Remastered.

Because

there was the six episodes that went out on the telly but then if you bought the vhs video or the dvd there was loads of bonus footage and it became 10 hours i think from what i remember yeah because what was so disconcerting was i taped the originals off the tele and i knew them off by heart so i would i i when i bought the dvd i would put it on and there'd be an interview that i was you know i would i would be speaking along with george harrison following the cadences i was like yeah yeah still up there and then there'd be something i'd never seen before and i was it was very disorientating disorientating.

So, what's this new thing?

They've remastered it, and there's new footage, and there's a new episode, I think.

And did Peter Jackson do get back?

He did get back, yeah.

And are there Hobbits in it?

No.

And do they go to Mordor?

Uh, no.

No, they go to Liverpool and Hamburg.

I suppose if you were to go back to the Beatles recording at Abbey Road as a person,

uh, yes, but I wouldn't want to get in the way, you know.

So I would be the tea boy with red hair and the Fred Perry t-shirt because I can make tea.

You can make tea.

Although, is that pre-tea bag?

The late 60s?

No.

Would I be streaming?

We could stream.

Yeah, I'd watch a YouTube video.

And one quick one.

Hello, my fallen autumn.

That was from Matt.

Sorry.

Thank you.

Thank you, Matt.

This is from Rosie.

Hello, my fallen autumn leaves.

I have a question I'd love to know the answer.

I'd love to know the answer to.

What are your top three non-bleepable insults?

So, what's the favorite, or maybe top one, but if you've got three, give us a complete hoof?

Your hoof's a good one.

Absolute slice.

Slice.

Hoof, slice.

Whopper, I love.

Whopper.

Hi, mine are all pretty top shelf.

Ellis is the specialist in the radio-friendly swear word.

I quite like Wazak.

If it's playful, I'll call someone a silly goose.

Silly goose, yeah.

But other than that, it's just F-bomb after F-bomb.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Weapon's quite a fun word.

Yeah, Nimrod.

Peace is good.

Peace is good.

Yes.

I'd probably go peace, silly goose.

And

I do like saying Shipner and Chandapal.

Yeah, that's funny.

If someone

needs to be braver, and I'm speaking Welsh, I will often call them a one-men, which means you flea.

Come on, you dead man, a one-men.

Come on, you flea.

Great.

That's ask us anything.

That's ask us anything.

You've asked us anything.

We've answered.

So there we go.

Thanks again for the British Podcast Award.

Yes, thank you very much.

It's very kind.

Thrilled a bit to see you.

We will be back with you for the Bureau on Saturday, and then, of course,

the show on Tuesday.

Goodbye.

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Suffs, the new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We demand to be quality.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs, playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.