#480 - Hot Trees, Exhaustion Tears and Let It Be Birds

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John and I were waiting outside the Director General's office.

We'd usually be nervous, but all we could hear was laughter.

Peals of laughter and yelps of excitement.

John eventually plucked up the courage to go in.

Sorry, boys, said Tim.

I'm just finishing my Christmas list for Santa.

I'm so excited.

It's mid-October and you're 58, said John.

Won't you just get normal 58-year-old stuff, like a soap and a rope of flannel or a book about military blunders?

Not this year, said Tim.

Because Alison John is doing so well in the under-35 demographic on BBC Sounds, my boss, that I can treat myself.

Aren't you, your boss?

Yes, I signed signed it off this morning.

Keen to move things along, I asked Tim what was on his Christmas list.

His face lit up.

Well, a personalized sleepover weekend bag that says Tim's Sleepover Society.

A personalised enameled popcorn bowl that says Tim's movie night.

And a candle that says smells like Tim's listening to Life of a Shogun again.

But none of those are my main.

Right, said John, becoming worried about how quickly he was sighing nicotine out of his body.

What's your main present, Tim?

Oh, a new phone, but it's got to do the face swap app.

Because my phone at the moment only does texts.

Right, I said.

Who showed you that?

Nick Robinson from the news.

We swapped Emmanuel Mackerel and Jordan Pickford and it was absolutely hilarious.

It just doesn't make any sense.

And then there's the app that makes you look old.

I'm getting that for my birthday.

Great, I said, looking at all of the melted mini-milks, knobbly bobblies, and rocket lollies on Tim's desk.

Being director general of the BBC is hard.

Maybe this is how he relaxed.

Right then, Tim said, standing up.

That's my letter written now to send it to Santa.

He rang a bell and the BBC postman arrived.

Take this to the post-room forthwith, screamed Davy, clapping his hands with excitement.

Of course, said the postman, who on close inspection was a slightly uncomfortable-looking Dave Masterman.

Do you want me to sing my song as well while I take it?

Of course I do.

What do you think I'd pay you for?

So we all kicked back and after eight verses, including some special festive-themed ones, Dave left with the letter.

So there we go.

He's going to get a big all of the stuff he wants from Santa, fingers crossed.

Wow.

What was the, what's, so what song do I sing?

Postman Dave.

Oh, it's Postman Dave.

Yes, right.

So with special Christmas-themed

verses.

Got it.

And

it's early October.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So what have you done with the letter, Dave?

That's the big question.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

What did I do with the letter?

Well, where did you post it?

To the North Bluming Pole, of course.

Do Irish kids shout their requests up a chimney?

Have we been through this before?

Or is that something an Irish friend of mine said when he was pulling my leg in a pub about a year ago?

What the kids shouting their presence up the chimney?

We haven't got any young Irish in the studio, unfortunately, to corroborate this.

Someone told me that once that rather than sending a letter in Ireland, the kids shout their requests up a chimney.

Is that it sounds like a lie?

I'm going to Google it.

What if you've not got a chimney?

Exactly.

Yeah, exactly.

You'd miss out.

Maybe if you've got patchy doors, you could just open

them into your garden.

You could shout them up out the air vent above the cooker.

Yes.

Which one?

Google Irish kids shouting up the chimney at Christmas.

Exactly.

Talk amongst yourselves.

Is Alice okay, do you think?

I don't know.

I'm certainly concerned about Christmas.

Are they shouting up the chimney?

Not yet.

No, we've said that they can't shout up any chimneys until December the 1st.

Fail!

Fail for Christmas!

I would like a big stick and a spinning tap.

I don't want to book talk this year, Huncor.

Fair for Christmas.

I would like a hoodie away from white fox.

A white fox.

Hoodie and stick and a big top.

Yeah?

That sort of thing.

Is that what

goes on?

Irish children's 90-year-old Santa Lettis Founding Chimney.

This is a newspaper article.

That's very disappointing.

What is this?

I don't know.

Sorry.

I'm just trying to corroborate something that I've said on

there.

Yeah, I don't think it's true.

We all write our lists.

Yeah, and we all send them off to the North Pole.

Using

paper.

Using paper.

Yeah.

And not shouting them up at Jimmy.

And that's what Director General Tim Davies does.

I don't think I ever wrote a list to Santa.

Did you not?

Well, I didn't get presents from Santa.

I got presents from my mum, presents from my sister.

Yeah, I...

so were you naughty no but i got presents but there was no presents from santa so it would be quite a leap of imagination to ask i this i think i still think santa came and left my stocking maybe so your mum opted out of santa didn't opt out of santa but how would you say well these presents are from me but santa santa gave them to me to give to you they're usually wrapped differently yeah if you are there presents from your mum and dad or your family that's in one pile and you got the santa pile.

No, there was never a so who's so that's getting double presents, or you get half of each, yeah.

I think Santa brought my stocking, maybe, yes, and that's where how does Santa know what to give you?

Well, because stocking is just sort of general stocking stuff, isn't it?

There was no specific requests from Santa, that's what I'm saying.

To Santa, you mean, uh, yeah, Santa would deliver the stockinged items, which were miscellany of treats, chocolates, a tangerine, a pound coin,

that kind of thing.

Of course.

Whereas your sort of your where's Wally books, your Swiss Army knife.

Your mains came from mum.

Your top ten of everything, your Guinness Book of Records.

All came from Mum rather than Santa.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's surprised me.

Is it?

Yeah.

Even under the age of 10?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That surprised me.

Oh, but I think most people do Christmas presents from individuals, not from Santa.

Right, it's a bit of, I think, each to their own, of course.

But I think it's usually a little bit bit of a little bit of here, a little bit of that.

Oh, sorry, I didn't grow up in a sovereign wealth fund, Dave.

Of presents from mum and Kate and Santa.

No, not at all.

My mum.

Sorry, I wasn't brought up by the Aga Khan,

Dave.

My mum had to have a paper around when I was younger to make sure there was enough money coming into the Blumin family, actually.

Hi, Mum.

Bless her.

It was my daughter's birthday party at the weekend.

Yes.

The party was the day after we did Edinburgh.

So John and I got the sleeper train back.

Oh, yes.

Yeah.

John slept like a baby.

This was in the Road to Nowhere.

It was in last week's Road to Nowhere.

And there is a Road to Nowhere coming up very soon.

I felt every bump, Dave.

You did?

Didn't sleep at all.

No.

So

my daughter's party was to have a sleep buffer with seven of her pals.

And by the time they were watching the film, I'd been awake for 39 hours.

Oh, my goodness.

It makes me anxious

hearing these stories.

I was fine, apart from one of her 10-year-old friends spilled some squash, which is what kids do, and the air turned blue.

She said, My dad doesn't say those words.

No way.

Oh, Alice.

And I felt bad.

No, it just came out.

What word was it without saying the word?

Do you know what?

It wasn't.

It was a lot of S's.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

S in a row.

Like a big snake.

Like a big snake.

Now, as

childless man,

okay, I'm thinking your position, you've got to oversee a kid's sleepover.

Yeah.

So there's a bit of leeway on the old bedtime.

But you've also got an eye on your own mental health and physical health because it could cause cognitive decline.

It has done already.

So I'm thinking, right, usual bedtime for a nine, ten-year-old is what?

Yes, of nine o'clockish.

Nine o'clockish.

So I'm thinking, okay.

We're staring down the barrel of midnight.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a treat.

Everyone wants to see midnight.

Pajamas, popcorn, films, then bed, get into bed, half 12, asleep by one.

Yeah, yeah.

And I'm thinking that's a happy compromise.

Messages from the coal face that I received suggested there was no sleep at all from any of the children.

No.

And that, and that, I'm going to use the term enabled, Ellis, was enabled by you.

No, I don't think that's fair.

Right.

The worst bit was her main present really was her party.

So we did this quite posh thing where you get these little tents and they all sleep in it.

So in we out we emptied the living room and then they all did these mini little tents that they slept in in a row because we've got a r

room and and sort of the dining room's open plan.

It's quite a long room so they all slept in a row.

And we tried to put them up and someone showed me how to do it.

But then we realised that if I put them all up in a row, they wouldn't be able to see the telly because there wasn't enough room and they all wanted to watch K-pop demon hunters.

So, at midday, when I was feeling relatively freshish, having only been awake for

29 hours or whatever it was at that point, I said, It's fine, we'll put three up so they can see it when they all arrive, and then I'll do the rest when they're ready to go to bed.

By the time they're ready to go to bed at about half past 11, after K-pop demon hunters had finished, I was by this point so tired I couldn't remember how I'd put them up in the first place, and I was just all over the place.

But five of the seven go to guides, they're all very practical.

So the girls did it.

So we were saying, listen, we've got to turn the light off.

Now it's midnight.

You've got to turn the light off.

So we turned the light off.

They all brushed their teeth, all that kind of stuff.

They were all in their pajamas, ready.

Izzy went to bed.

I went to bed in the attic because there's a bed up there.

At about half past 12, but there was still a bit of excitement.

I went down at quarter to one and said, Girls,

come on, ladies, you've got to go to sleep now.

They were like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

So anyway, I thought I'd got it sorted.

I was in the attic, walking up at 20 past six, when they were all in there.

And I was like, What?

What's going on?

What's happening?

They said, We're playing, they said, We're playing hide and seek.

What were you wearing?

She's starting to.

I was just in my pants, right?

She said, What do you mean you're playing hide and seek?

It's 6:26 a.m.

A couple more S-bombs slipped out, no doubt.

Yeah, yeah, F-bombs.

That wasn't it.

We're up to S now.

She said it again.

She said, My dad doesn't say those words.

And he doesn't wear those things.

I said, Why have you woken up?

And they said, We haven't woken up.

We've been awake all night, but we can't get the telly to work because we've started doing hide and seek.

God.

So we didn't know you were in here.

So they, so you've now, so dad has had no sleep for one night.

Now, daughter's had no sleep for one night.

Like a relay of exhaustion.

Yes.

And I did get a text from Ellis

about midday the next day that said, and now the exhaustion tears.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

From us both.

Yeah.

It did make me realize,

I mean, how big a deal going a night without sleep was as a kid.

It was the ultimate goal.

Yeah, yeah.

I only managed it twice, I think.

Yes.

Before the age of like 18 or something.

Well, I don't think I ever did after that.

Like went with totally without sleep.

I did it quite a lot.

Ditch 20s were a big deal.

Yeah, well, that's because you guys were on a slightly different spectrum of, shall we say, fun, chemicals?

So fun.

Yesterday.

Some of us just like to embrace nights out.

Yeah.

Yeah, but there's a difference because you physically, if you drink

from 6 p.m.

to 6 a.m., you can't stay away from it.

Yes, so martinis and goodwill.

And raves.

And raves.

Come on.

And

willpower and loving the dawn.

Come on.

No, at a festival, absolutely.

If you're at the festival, the festival finishes at like 1am.

You're flying because you've just watched...

Yeah, you're flying, Dave.

I'm not flying.

No, no, because you've just watched The Prodigy.

So you're on a high.

No, John.

For seven and a half hours.

Yeah, but then you're up with your mates outside of 10 until 6 a.m.

Absolutely.

You're loving life.

and you're loving the dawn.

Yes.

No chance.

You're just,

I mean, maybe like two or three hours.

Yeah.

No, I've done an all-nighter, and it was, and I am.

I'm trying to think how to word this.

I am unapologetic in saying it was pure.

It was purely on alcohol.

It was.

Anyway, as a kid, it's like scouts.

And night hikes were so exciting.

Yeah.

Because you get back to your tent at probably actually only about half 11.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm thinking back now.

She's going on.

Or maybe two in the morning.

Yeah, she's going on a guide one next week and should be doing that.

Is that yes?

My scout group were known for their night hikes, and I completed the Pegasus Challenge, which was equivalent to a Silver Duke of Edinburgh Award.

Was it?

Was it?

The Chief Scouts Challenge was, yes, which I went to.

Which wins again?

Which was equivalent to a Silver Duke of Edinburgh's award, Dave.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, um, but yeah, but I'm not so bothered now.

Usually going to bed about eight.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah, me too.

I felt good.

I did feel good until about half past ten.

Then I went upstairs to read and I felt like I was floating.

You can't read on little sleeves.

I felt like I was floating.

And then, as you said, we need to put these Sing Todd tents up.

And I said, good, I'm looking forward to that.

They're the kids' tents, right?

They're not like actual sort of like hiking tents.

No, no, no.

They were, it was just

little teepees.

Oh, it wasn't difficult.

And it wouldn't have been difficult until about 8 p.m.

I was capable of doing it until 8.

And then it's sort of between 8 and 10, something something happened and i just ran out of juice and i'm surprised though but we got there in the end she had a great birthday i'm surprised you didn't sleep on the train i loved it it was like being in a coffin in a slightly bigger coffin in an enormous moving coffin yeah yeah so i felt incredibly safe yeah it was just the bumps kept wicking me up

yeah i had fun and i enjoyed it

and i but if i did it again i would accept that there's no way i would sleep on that thing i can't sleep in cars i can't sleep on the bus I can't sleep on planes.

And now, as proven, I can't sleep on sleeper trains.

I don't want to double down on the stress of the weekend, Alice.

But you can't be in the good books of the parents that these kids went back to.

Oh, yes.

No, no, no, no.

Strongly worded emails.

Because I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of that when you realise, oh, so

it's been all night.

You've sent me back exhaustion tears.

Yes, you sent me back.

And an animal of a child, because I've not slept all night.

An animal of a child

who's learned some new words.

Oh no, I think that's the bigger problem.

They're tired and crying and swearing.

Yeah, I sounded like Tony Adams

on that clip where they mic'd up David Ellery.

He calls him an effing cheat.

Well, what's happening, Dave?

Because my list's on the floor because I'm in a right muddle here.

Because I'm tired, actually, as well.

Well, why don't we enjoy the road to nowhere at this stage?

Oh, yes.

Here are some updates from the

John Shaw, sure,

the shore.

What?

The Shore?

Oh it was a mixture of show and tour.

Well we will be going to Brighton so the shore.

Yes, here's some updates from Brighton by the seaside.

Here we are backstage.

Theatre Royal Brighton on a Sunday night, very excited.

Dave, you love Brighton.

I love Brighton.

John, I think, is Brighton.

I love Brighton.

Do you?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

John

very generously popped out into the streets of Brighton to buy me a birthday present and he got me a lovely couple of vinyls.

Yes, yesterday's birthday, of course.

In a lovely Brighton tote bag.

Yes, rainbow totes from Resident Records.

I love it.

I love it.

Hope you like pineapple, Dave.

It's not today, though, is it?

It was yesterday.

It was yesterday.

Don't worry.

Sorry, Dave.

No,

I was bird watching.

John's gone above and beyond.

But that doesn't mean that you're not great.

Yeah, he is one of those thoughtful types.

I'll give him that.

Very, very good gift giver, actually.

And he's got me a Cameron Winter vinyl.

He knows I am a big fan because Cameron Winter is on the intro playlist for the shows we're doing.

Yeah, yeah.

And that song.

It means so much to me, John.

It really does.

Because what's the song called?

This is Dave's birthday.

This means more.

Love Takes Miles.

Love Takes Miles is a stunning, stunning track.

And now I can whack it.

I'll flip off Parachutes.

On goes Cameron Winter.

I flipped off Parachutes a few times.

What did you do on your birthday, Dave?

And what was the other vinyl, Dave?

Oh, yeah, what was the other one?

We could move on from my kindness.

Oh, yeah.

The other vinyl was Captain Beefheart's Safe as Milk.

Debut album.

Which I think is an influence on Cameron Winter, even though I went through all of Cameron Winter's personal playlists on Spotify that he started making when he was 14

and can't find a single Captain Bfart song.

That's got a zigzag wondra on it, isn't it, Sif as Milk?

Yeah.

Oh, water.

Rycouda on bass.

Water tune.

Zigzag.

So very happy with those two.

Hannah got me a lovely rucksack.

Lovely sound.

Oh, nice.

What brand, please, Dave?

And we can bleep it out.

I thought about this because it's the opposite of what you would like as a rucksack because I've gone very much style head and shoulders over substance.

So is it Armani or something?

Well

it's a brand called

Okay okay okay okay

which is just a quite fashionable brand.

Now you will look at it and go that's the most

you will look at it John and go that's the most impractical rucksack.

I mean I've got it here.

Should I go and get it?

Why is it so impractical?

Is it made a chase?

I'll do my review.

It's just not a John rucksack.

You know John's got straps that go across the belly.

It's got

all that.

Real scout leader energy.

You'll like it, Al.

Okay.

I'm looking at the hell.

Me, Dave.

Are you mad?

The world has gone mad.

Okay.

Oh, it's not that.

£350 quid.

No.

That's a lot of money for a rook sack.

She got it off vintage.

Oh, okay.

New with tags.

Secondhand.

But secondhand.

It's nice.

If it costs more than £40, pounds yeah then you want you want to go for a long walk yeah don't tell me that your all your rucksacks cost less than 40 quid no but my rucksacks are that's like there's that's no difference between a head bag you would wear to school no it's not in terms of like the functionality and the materials yeah

it was a little bit more than 40 i'll give you i'll be honest but it wasn't i mean it wasn't did you ask for it did i ask for it

all right with a bag like that did you say to hannah i want an AP, and I'm not going to mention the brand, I want a rucksack by these bags.

Because the job that I have, I'm often carrying stuff around.

I think it's very hard for a man to look cool with a rucksack.

That's not true.

I agree with that.

No, I think

that answer, a man like me with this job, spends a lot of time carrying stuff around, so needs the most impractical fashion bag it's possible to get.

We could put a laptop in that.

Yeah, a laptop can go in it.

Yeah, a laptop can go in that.

It's got a netted bit in the middle.

i'm not having a go at it but it's not

a practical bag it's not but i want to i want to look cool over feeling comfortable i think it's a real blind spot for for some reason like women look great with bags i think it is quite hard for a man to look good with a bag i agree div why is that

it's like um it's very hard to look good carrying a dog

It's exactly the same.

It is like, obviously sometimes dogs need to be carried, but you never look elegant doing it.

Especially when when it's a Doberman.

Yeah.

You cannot carry a Doberman elegantly.

You cannot carry Beethoven.

Can't beat him.

Okay, Dave, I'm seeing these for 50 quid on Debop.

Yeah, it wasn't much over 50.

Okay, well, that's alright.

That's alright, isn't it?

Yeah.

It does the job, and I look quite cool.

So, yeah, that's my weekend.

I played...

Giant Jenga on Friday in a wacky place in Stockport.

Lovely.

And we had a good old fun game of Jenga, and I I must admit, fantastic, fun Jenga.

It is.

You've got 10 to 15 of your mates around, so you're all going for your next go.

You can only use it.

You're one sonish.

No.

Are you telling me how to play Jenga, Dave?

Just reminding our listeners how to play.

I know.

But it's quite good fun on a night.

It's really big.

That was your birthday treat.

You played big Jenga with 15 of your friends.

No, I went for a Mexican, then went to a little bar that was open late that served big Jenga.

So, this is our final week of gallivanting.

Yeah,

we visited all of our respective aunties and uncles.

Yeah.

Just the palladium lift.

That's the one that's been added.

And then that will be it, the end of the tour.

Goodness, man.

What larks we've had.

Oh, God, some of the banter.

We have.

We have, we have.

It's been mega luck.

Yeah, on either side of the silences, there's been a lot of good banter.

I think we've all been together in the tour bus three times.

Yeah, that's not panned out, and that's not through anyone's fault.

It would have been mad for me to go to Buckinghamshire to then come back to Brighton to be in the van.

No.

But I've enjoyed the moments when we have been in it.

It's been lovely.

I slept for an hour and 13 minutes in the van.

Did you?

How?

Just eye covers on, earplugs in.

Oh my god.

Yeah.

Feeling the road.

Sitting up.

Yeah.

Impossible.

There was someone sat behind me on the train that had

like a toy box, like a kid's toy, that if you just press a button, it plays a 30-second melody.

Yeah.

And she pressed it every 30 seconds for two hours.

A child.

Yeah.

And what I've seen.

Were her parents with her?

Yes, yes.

And they're not sort of saying enough now.

They just seem to be...

Whether or not they were sat with her, so they knew she of course they were, because she was young.

So yeah, they must have been close by for two hours from Stockport to London.

They might have had a terrible day with her.

Yeah, I thought to themselves.

We'll give everyone else a terrible day.

This is actually spread a bit of the terror around.

This is better than the alternative.

So you, in your head, will have perfected the thing you wanted to say.

You'll have run it through in your head so many times.

What did you

arrive at?

No, but I don't...

That's not how my brain works.

I'd have run through it two or three hundred times.

I didn't do that.

I just thought, you know what?

She might need that as a comfort.

You never know what's going on in that young child's life.

That's what I would think.

Does it come with headphones?

Does it come with...

Well, do you know what does come with headphones?

This guy.

There you go.

So I whack in my noise cancellers.

You were born with headphones.

Someone's been watching my show Howl on Band Camp.

Why?

Does I make that point?

Oh, on the train.

My radical acceptance.

Your radical acceptance.

Which I still practice, despite what I've just been saying.

Why are your teeth grinding so much?

I'd have walked past and gone, hey,

what's going on here?

What's going on here?

We all

got our music boxes.

But you're right, Dave.

I might have moved

if I thought there was room.

I might have moved her, popped her up.

You can't do that.

Coming with your Uncle John on an adventure to the vestibule.

The adventure to the vestibule.

You can't do that, I'm afraid.

You could do that.

You know, like those sort of parody kids' books that are for adults.

We're going on a bear hunt.

Yeah, to the carriage cave.

To the vestibule, to the buffet car.

To premium economy.

You don't get any of this in the sad van.

No.

Just 73 minutes continuous sleep.

And then we arrive and I say thanks, Giles.

Yeah.

Well, there we have it.

We pause for about 30 seconds there to talk about how great we all are.

At which point, John said, F this, and he went to go and find some ice because he needs cold diet coke before he performs.

He's not much of a Celine Dion, nor might I care.

Is Celine Dion, a famous Diva?

I don't think she is, actually.

Celine comes across actually quite humble given her success.

Yes, I would agree with that, actually.

But yeah,

the man cannot, he cannot perform without ice.

And so he's gone to find some.

Anyway, we'll see you on the other side.

As we come to a satisfying boil on a lovely matte black kettle, I can't help but think something has gone wrong.

There has been a clerical error that has been made, which is such a shame.

I am in a hotel room that is probably 24 feet by 18 feet.

It's got a bay window with curtains that draw.

It's got a couch.

It's got a chair.

I can take my pick.

It's got a king-size bed or queen-size bed.

I'm not sure whichever one is usually bigger.

You move into the bathroom.

I'm looking at a tissue box that's been turned into a tulip.

And even dials on the shower.

that clearly state which one is temperature and which one is power.

I think I'm a more money than sense boy this evening because an error has clearly been made in the centre of Brighton.

I've got

buddy sea view

looking out onto the sea.

I'm having a lovely time of it.

It's a real shame because this probably does mean

that Giles is about to be fired for the error but we're only human.

He's had a good run.

I just can't see how John lets this slide though, which is a shame.

Because he's fantastic at his job, but he's made a real balls up here.

This can't have been on the agenda.

This booking cannot have been in keeping with the criteria that John laid out at the start of the run.

But I've had more money than Sense Play, and it's fantastic.

There's a safe.

There's a safe for all my rich belongings.

There's a hairdryer.

Don't need it, but if I wanted to.

leather chair to do my work at my desk

Yeah, there's wine glasses, there's an iron

and there's an ironing board crumbs

and just a lot of space for me to get my step counts in I'm just circling the lounge area of the bedroom as we talk to each other There's a TV that's built into a unit that you can't see any wires from.

Back to the bathroom.

The mirror has inbuilt lights into the mirror.

I feel like a Hollywood superstar.

Yep, shampoo, conditioner and shower gel all in separate bottles in the shower.

Good gracious me.

Anyway, that's me.

Something's gone wrong, but it all feels so very right.

My wordy wordy.

I'm a more money than sense boy.

And tomorrow morning, I'm going to go for a swim because there's an indoor heated swimming pool.

That can't have been on the spreadsheet.

There's no way.

Especially when the sea's right there.

It'll waste of money, that's what you'd say.

Go and see.

So the morning after the night before,

Brighton Theatre Royal.

What a venue, man.

I love Victorian theatres.

Put that on my gravestone.

I love Brighton anyway.

I can't think that there's another city on earth where I've said, well, I could really live live here, actually, without doing anything about it as much as Brighton.

What a place.

But anyway, I'm recording this from

the car outside the gym.

Why outside the gym, Alice?

Well, because at the start of the second half, John walked on and said, What's the talk of the foyer?

A lady in the circle shouted, We're talking about how sexy Dave is.

John said, about how sexy Dave is.

And then about 25 different women from different parts of the theatre all shouted in unison, yes!

So clearly, I've got to up my game.

So, obviously, I'm going to be um

uh head to the gym so that I've got uh defined pectoral muscles like Dave, and I'm also going to be looking into the fake tan scene.

Um, what is it about Dave that is so sexy?

I don't know, uh, it's probably a combination of his sort of calm, relaxed nature, broad shoulders, and lovely, big, chunky forearms.

I think that's it.

John, obviously, is sexy in his own way as well.

A restless intellect and a deep love of fish and ships.

Obviously, I got home late and couldn't sleep because I can never sleep after gigs.

And then the cat woke me up at about six.

I thought, come on, mate.

I'm working hard doing gigs to keep you in dreamies.

So, you know,

think about that before you scratch at the door.

Anyway, over and out.

Hello, it's Ray Winstone.

I'm here to tell you about my podcast on BBC Radio 4, History's Toughest Heroes.

I got stories about the pioneers, the rebels, the outcasts who define tough.

And that was the first time that anybody ever ran a car up that fast with no tires on.

It almost feels like your eyeballs are going to come out of your head.

Tough enough for you.

Subscribe to History's Toughest Heroes wherever you get your podcast.

I do enjoy those little packages.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Couldn't agree with you more.

Be more of that next week.

Perhaps the final ever one next week

as our

trip around the UK for no reason whatsoever reaches a close.

Now it's time for a made-up game.

Yes, made-up games.

The jingle will be replayed as the same jingle from last week.

Wow, what a sentence, Dave.

The jingle will be replayed as the jingle from last week.

Yes, I'll stand by that as well.

Yeah, it does make sense.

Actually, last week's jingle was from Matt, and this week's jingle is from Matt again because we love it.

We're replaying your jingle from last week as it was played.

Exactly, John.

Couldn't be clearer.

Here we go.

It's one game, and you'll need some love with strange rules.

Cause they're all made up of score points that they're playing tennis, but it's cool.

A step and denotes the one aim to be number one or if not.

Just to have some fun, cause who knows?

If Jonah's eyes are closed or Alice

has lost his mind with a day,

are you ready to play, are you ready to play?

Another made up game.

Are you ready to play?

Are you ready to play?

Another made up game.

Made up, made up, made up, made up, made up, gay.

It's great.

It's great.

It's very, because I think he went for, which was the Brian May song that he was trying to go for there, John?

Driven by you, and I

again put in a Brian May frame of mind because there's a very sweet image of him he put on Instagram because he's been planting bulbs in his local village.

And they've got over 3,000 bulbs ready to plant.

And I thought, God bless you, Brian May.

It's amazing he has hair.

It's amazing that he's still got the hair to...

Yeah, that's the real...

Obviously the colours change, but it is amazing.

I actually like to think Brian's about a bit more than his hair.

Sorry, guys, I just don't like to reduce him to his hair considering he's just planted 3,000 bulbs today.

I think it's very lucky that he was so synonymous with his hair and he's still very lucky to have the hair

that was a part of his look.

I just think hair and guitar.

I don't think bulbs.

Well, now I want you to think bulbs.

I want you to think charity.

I want you to think common decency.

And common decency and bulbs.

And knighthoods.

And knighthoods.

And

Ford.

And Ford and baggy shirts.

Why Ford?

Because the

divers for a Ford advert, Dave.

So it's a fact that the BBC can't cut it.

Was it Ford?

Was it written specifically for the the advert?

Was it from an album that Ford chose to use?

I think it

was commissioned by Ford.

Was it?

Yeah.

Ford Ford.

Ford Ford Ford.

No, no, no.

Just die and

it appeared on Back to the Light, his album that I believe came out in 92, but the single may have come out in 91.

And it got to number four.

Ford.

Number Ford.

Great.

So.

None of them were involved.

Okay, four.

Ford.

I don't know, but do it.

There's a line.

All right.

And we've reached.

It never stops being a fact, Dave.

It never stops being a fact.

But when he's saying the word seven times in a row, it changes things because he's pushing the envelope.

Fiat.

It was released only a couple of days after Freddie Mercury died.

Oh, did it?

Yeah.

Is he what he would have wanted?

Yeah, actually, I think it was.

These things are very hard to...

Once they're...

Yeah, once the wheels are in motion.

Which sounds like a lyric from the song.

It is hard to put the brakes on, which again sounds like a lyric from the song.

Change gear and go.

I got to number six.

Got to number six.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

God, what a loser.

Just Brian, if you are listening, he's talking about me not you.

Yes.

God, yeah.

I'm the loser for thinking it got to number four when it got got to number six but i do remember your appearance on gm well tvam as it would have been then with uh anna nick yeah yeah

sure it wasn't

good morning might have been doesn't even know what a loser don't mean you brilliant i mean john dave what a game please every week we play

loss we play a different game that's been made up by a listener at home The scores on the doors were bad.

I hate to say it, Dave, but your mic magnet is half on, half half off, and it looks rubbish.

It's better not to have it.

I'm just going to put it there.

You're obsessed with that mic magnet.

I'm not.

That will end your marriage.

I didn't bring it up.

Because you'll end up putting it on the ring.

And Anna will say,

It looks like you're married to the BBC, Dave.

Yeah.

And aren't we all?

In a way.

In a way.

I mean, I love it.

It's an arranged marriage.

But

we don't mind it.

Every week we play a different game.

game.

Scores on the doors, of course.

We're back to juice.

Okay, good stuff.

The third game of the second set.

Joff just nodded with a kind of quiet acceptance.

This is where we are forever now.

Deuce again.

Yeah, this is us.

John, you're leading two loving games, and it's one loving set.

It's two John.

Okay.

So that's the scoring system.

It works.

This week's game is from John in Winterton on Sea.

Hello, my favourite podcast pros.

Your tennis scoring system has inspired me to send in a game I used to play with my unifriends back in the day.

It involves naming things in categories, and it's loosely tennis-based.

Lovely.

But I've thrown in some new rules to up the ante.

I present to you Todger Tennis.

It works as follows.

Dave will name a category.

It's then a rally between the two players to name things back and forth within that category.

Each player has five seconds to name a thing.

The more things named in the rally, the more points are accrued across that round before we get an eventual winner and the winner wins all those points the winner wins all the p's i love it

so but if i'm very good at you know naming types of squash yeah john is slightly better he benefits

uh

i i just wish you'd let me get to the end of the rules of games before we asked let me get let me get away all the rules and then come with the questions okay

so dave will name a category i've read that bit Ignore that.

On to the next paragraph.

You either, now this, you've got to listen carefully because it is a bit tricky, but once we get into the gameplay, it makes sense.

You either win the round by being the last player to name a correct thing in the allotted time with no reply.

Robinson's.

And then this has got it.

Yeah, because then it goes to John.

John, his five seconds

elapse and he's not named anything else.

So you just win due to the silence from the other player.

Or you successfully challenge your opponent on a thing you think think they incorrectly replied with.

Yeah.

So the category.

That's a cordial.

Yeah.

Ribina is a cordial.

So if you shout, challenge.

Yeah.

So there can be a bit of deceit in here.

Bonto is a cordial.

Okay, let's.

We ain't got any squash in play for the game.

Yeah, all the insane categories of players.

We've got three brands.

Yeah, but I guess that because I knew.

Yeah.

I used that as an example because I knew there's no way Dave would say name brands of squash.

But I think you can be strategic with the fact that if you think you can get a couple under the radar here, if you've you've run out of answers that you think you are aware of and bomb goes a juice drink.

Yes.

Like playing a

made-up word in Scrabble.

Exactly that.

So or you successfully challenge your opponent on a thing they incorrectly replied with.

Okay.

So there's two ways the game can end.

Conversely, if you challenge your opponent on what turns out to be a correct answer, you lose the round.

Okay.

So you've got to be careful with the challenges.

If you name an incorrect thing within a category that goes unchallenged, the rally continues.

Of course, of course.

So poor gameplay can go unpunished should it not be called out.

Interesting, intriguing.

Okay.

For example,

here's an example that works, probably with a little bit more breadth to the example.

If the category was capital cities, you would go back and forth naming capital cities.

If after eight correct answers in the rally, Ellis says Istanbul, which is not the capital of Turkey, but John in a panic comes back with Sydney, not the capital of Australia,

Ellis successfully challenges John.

Ellis wins the nine points that have been accrued because he challenges, but you wouldn't challenge Istanbul.

Yes.

It's as simple as that.

It's as simple as that.

I don't spend any longer on this because these made-up games are taking so long.

So I don't challenge Glasgow.

John gets the point.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, are we ready?

No.

Yes, completely ready.

Never been less ready.

Good.

So you've got five seconds, which is, you know, long enough, I think, to deliver an answer.

Why has he got a pen?

Hey, because he just makes him feel comfortable.

It's okay.

You don't need a pen, but you can have one if you want.

Alright, then the first category.

Do you want to toss a coin to decide who goes first, please?

Yep.

Tails for wheels, Confunny Gumby.

It's queens for queen.

What do you want to do?

I'll go.

I'll go first.

Yeah, it doesn't really matter because it's back and forth.

Yeah.

We'll have a tension drone as well.

No, we won't, because I'll put me off.

No, we're not in that way.

Michael, if you do that, I will sack you.

Have we got a tension drone?

Oh my god, God.

Oh, we have got a tension drone.

Zoff, you're on thin ice.

We're using the tension drone.

Do you want us to play Chris Tarrant?

Put it in post, Dave.

Zoff, ready the tension drone?

Right.

Zoff listens to you and doesn't listen to me.

Because Zoff knows what her side, her bread is buttered.

Is what her side, her bread is buttered.

Because the track we're playing is replayed from the track we played last week.

This is what it's like broadcasting with me.

right?

Okay, uh, round number one.

Yep, the category is five seconds for each one.

Films.

Now, remember, I'm terrible at films.

Dick, if you think someone's given an incorrect answer, you've got to shout challenge within the five seconds, okay?

So you've got to be hot-footed on that as well.

Okay, here we go.

First category is films featuring Tom Hanks.

Your time starts now.

Captain Phillips.

Sleepless in Seattle.

You've got mail.

Philadelphia.

Burbs.

Big.

Money pit.

Um.

The castaway.

Uh, the post.

Time.

Oh,

now.

You win the point, John.

Yeah.

You win the points.

But I've been a little bit cheeky.

But I think he's been a little bit cheeky.

How has he been cheeky?

Well, I thought the last one, was it the last one?

I was trying to think of News of the World.

Yes.

And I said the Post, which is a Kevin Costner film.

He was in one recently about Post, wasn't he?

What was that called?

I'll wait towards that.

Maybe I've got it.

Kevin Costner's one was called The Postman, I think.

Yeah, I've made up a film.

But I didn't challenge it.

You didn't challenge it.

I lose out.

And that's good cricket.

So, I mean, John wins the points.

How many points is it?

Nine.

Nine points to John.

Nine points to Johnny Jr., John Robbins Esquire, as I live and breathe.

Were there any false emotions?

He's not in a film called The Post.

Oh, yes, he is.

He is in a film called The Post.

I will say so.

I made up a Tom Hanks film that exists.

What was the

late 90s one?

Right.

Next round.

Right, 9-0 to John.

Green Mile, is he in that?

Let's not go down Ellis's irrelevant avenues.

Okay.

Round two.

John is 9-0.

Ellis starts first this time.

Okay.

The featured...

No.

Good God.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'll be right back.

Let it be birds.

We're all a little bit...

We play this all the time with my son because he's so obsessed with birds.

And there's birds I could do for an hour.

Let it be birds, Dave.

Should have done birds.

Skylark.

Okay.

The subject for round two, Ellis.

Prepare yourself.

Let me get my little clock ready.

Is host cities of the Olympic Games.

And you're off.

Barcelona.

Tokyo.

Sydney.

Los Angeles.

Seoul.

London.

Moscow.

Canberra.

No.

Canberra's not hosted the Olympics.

We're challenging.

He didn't say challenge.

What?

Well, it's fairly obvious what I mean by saying no.

Has Canberra hosted the Olympics?

Canberra's not.

I don't think Canberra's hosted the Olympics.

No.

They I couldn't even host a cat.

One, two, three, four.

And it's eight.

Okay.

Seven.

Seven, because Canberra doesn't count.

Seven points.

All right.

I had so many more.

Did you?

I had very little more.

Oh, I could have gone to Paris and Berlin.

Well, this is the thing.

Like, Ellis had loads more, but

what you should have done is.

If you were confident that you could have challenged him further on, just let him keep going to build up the points.

Not now, Dave.

Not now.

Don't give me tactical advice after the event on what was was clearly going to be one of my strongest subjects.

You can

complete hammer.

You should have spotted it.

It's not on me.

At some point, you've just got to let your players play.

Yeah.

Round three.

This could be a long one.

But I'm all here for it.

Because some of these are

okay to be, you know, to be a collection of decent answers.

All right.

John first with the theme of

the birds.

Golden Firecrest.

We should have done birds, birds are quite a good one.

Anyway, Steve.

Round three is

tube stations in London.

Go.

Regents Park.

Elephant and Castle.

Oxford Circus.

Lambeth North.

Maidervale.

Piccadilly.

Amersham.

Warwick Avenue.

Chesham.

Gypsy Hill.

Chalfont and Latimer.

Forest Hill.

Chorleywood.

Honorook Park.

Rickmansworth.

Glorious Wood.

Harrow on the Hill.

Dalston Junction.

Junction North Harrow Ageston South Royce Slip Rice Slip

Regent's Park

Baker Street I've said challenge I've said Baker Street oh

if we've got a Baker Street I think I didn't know Baker Street neither did I I don't know why I said that I think I okay we could just we can just okay so well that means basically John wins surely oh massively yeah okay we can just be firm with that that if we're all aware if we all think ellister hadn't said bakery Baker Street, we have decided that Ellis didn't say Baker Street, but we're not 100% sure.

I'm not listening to the audio, but I hold my hands up.

I think I'd imagine John seeing Baker Street because I was imagining the Baker Loo line.

We're getting news from the production team: Baker Street had not been said by the point Ellis challenged Baker Street.

It was another one of my imagination.

It was another one of your fantastic imagination.

It was an imagining.

And the point, John, that it was a huge round and a really impressive one, actually.

21 points.

Okay.

You can't come back from that.

Unless you give me birds.

I think you can.

You can't with the final round, unfortunately.

Okay.

Is it time squash?

Is it numbers between 1 and 10?

It's 30 points to 7 to John.

Oh, I've made a big mistake.

Now,

this is tricky,

but I think...

Well, it's down to you two to challenge each other, I think, because I think there will be a few falsehoods in here, but let's see how John is.

John's ex-girlfriends.

Maybe you can still win.

People are filing back into the stadium.

Just to remind you, there is a curfew at the stadium.

Do need to be out due to licensing rules by 11pm.

Right.

It's not John's ex-girlfriends.

Stop saying John's ex-girlfriends as a phrase.

Ellis,

it's you to go first.

You need 23 to win.

To draw.

23 to draw.

You need 24 to win.

So get, you need to.

I mean, I hate to remind you of a strategy here.

You can't challenge too early.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You've got to let this build because I actually think you've got this round.

I think there's maybe an edge here from Ellis.

Is it Welsh Villages?

No, it's not.

Okay, so the final round with John 30 points to seven up is

Glastonbury Headliners of the Pyramid Stage.

Go.

Pulp.

Radiohead.

Oasis.

Foo Fighters.

Blur.

Bruce Springsteen.

Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine.

Paul McCartney.

The Leaveners.

Erica Jessica Parker.

In Conversation.

With Alton Sean.

Yeah, and it was controversial.

She was talking about sex in the city days.

And shoes.

Which is a very popular show.

Yeah, this was sort of early 2000s.

Yeah, but Michael Lebis, he admitted it was an oversight.

I mean, I mean, I hate to say it, Elle.

Yeah.

You didn't actually challenge him, so therefore.

Bruce Huddenstein, I don't think has done Gossabri.

He has.

Has he?

Yeah, he's headlined Glasto.

John actually wins the points because you how?

How on earth?

You didn't challenge.

What, Sarah Jessica Parker?

In conversation.

Without the John.

You added on.

Which I added on.

Are you telling me I had to challenge?

Dave, surely that's a nods and winks situation.

For God's sake, man,

there has to be discretion.

I all laughed because we all knew.

She should have been in the spoken word tent.

Yeah,

we all accept that.

Put her in the lit tent.

I think you can give a listen to the title.

If a player, if a player is a Jessica Parker, if a player is

dancing, even at the height of her Sex in the City fame day,

she could maybe have introduced a band.

No, that would have been appropriate.

All four of them could have done, and it would have been a moment.

Yeah.

Yeah, or come on for a track to Alton John to sing a little track, maybe.

Why is Elton John part of this?

I don't know.

He was my next headliner.

Oh, very good.

All right, well, I mean, yeah, if you want to bend the rules, fine.

I can give you all.

You've got the rules.

Yeah, you didn't challenge him, Ellis.

He's got a point.

So actually, what happened was, he made a very valid answer of Sarah Jessica Parker, headline of the pyramids.

But you didn't respond.

So, actually, it's longer than five seconds to say because it's insane.

Well, it's another tactic, perhaps, is say something so mad that it actually distracts everyone until the five seconds are up.

You bamboozled him.

But I would say that that is bringing the sport into disrepute.

Okay, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

All right, we'll give you nine points, Al, which takes it to 30 to John, 16 to you, Al.

So it's a more respectable score.

I liked that game, it was a good game.

I like that.

It's good fun because of the deceptive nature of getting a few false ones in there.

Tell you what would be nice if it was, if you were able to do it, is you'd have like a video wall with like a line that's coming towards you.

It takes five seconds, you hit a button, and the line goes back to your opponent.

Oh, no, it gives you like a tennis vibe to it.

Yes.

Yeah.

Have you seen the budget for this show?

Yeah.

It's absolutely insane

can't get a visual moving wall teal tension down being q day this is farrow and ball studio

uh great uh john advantage oh wow we

advantage johnny jr so next week it's here for the taking it really is and that was today's made-up game a thank you to uh matt for the jingle which is still fantastic and uh john from winterton on sea for the game thank you john

Right, then, everyone, from one made-up game to the greatest made-up game in the history of Wales.

Following Wales's recent result against England in the football, can our Cambrian hero restore some pride in the country's true national sport?

It's time to find out if he can connect to a fellow Welsh person in 60 seconds.

It's time for the Cymru connection.

It's another Cymru connection.

Ellis thinks his tactics are sheer perfection.

But his questions have one direction.

Where did you go to school?

Do you know Daffy 11?

No.

Come on, mate, you must do.

And then often he will just list a name or three.

Ignoring John's imploring, think like us to

Listeners all are hoping.

If he can elevate his strategy to nifty,

he'll achieve the magic 50.

Ellis

co-connect.

Sarah Jessica Parker.

Now we've had an email suggestion from Gareth.

Gareth says, hello, Ellis, John, and Dave.

I was at an event in Ryl today where the First Minister of Wales, Eluned?

Elened.

Elined Morgan was giving a keynote speech.

In the middle of talking about how we in Wales are very good at connecting, she mentioned, quote, that bloke on Radio Wales who connects with people all over Wales.

No way.

The First Minister.

She did call it Radio Wales, but she's a busy lady.

I wants to claim you for the nation.

Anyway, it turns out that you're on the radar of the First Minister.

Oh, my God.

And she's on board with the Great Reset.

Oh, my God.

I imagine her tuning into the podcast after a busy day of legislation.

So, consider yourselves officially recognized by the corridors of power in Cardiff.

Surely, it's only a matter of time before Ellis is appointed Minister for Connection and asking what school you went to.

Dave becomes Secretary of State for Made-Up Games, and John, Minister without Portfolio.

That Bloke.

Keep up the good work, lads.

There I am.

You're bringing Wales together.

One connection at a time.

You are in a way.

That bloke.

And that's Gareth Hughes Hughes in Coed Poeth.

On Coed Poeth.

Coit Poit.

Hot trees.

Hot trees.

Yeah.

That's how it means.

Yeah.

Last week, Ellis took part in what went down as an international friendly with Gavin and Stacey's Joanna Page.

He did manage to find a connection, but only on the Sun Lounger.

However, it was decided the result from the connection would not count towards the overall stat.

So that means that Ellis today is able to build on his hat-trick of connections and go for the four for in a row.

Yes.

The quad connect is on the cards.

From there, could Ellis have his first ever five foot?

It's all to play for.

His connection rate stands at 47%.

Let's see if Ellis can get the quad.

We have a caller on the line from Wales.

Hello.

Hello.

There are 60 seconds on the clock.

The next voice you hear will be that of Ellis James.

Your time starts now.

Agent School.

35.

Joe Allen.

Yeah.

Okay.

It's a record.

Wow.

It's a record.

Straight.

Is that three seconds?

No, Ellis, but let's check the Novelli prototype.

Do you know Joe Allen?

I've interviewed him long form

twice.

Okay.

And I've met him.

Outside of the two long forms?

Yes.

I've got an.

Do you know Andrew Richards who went to Scopuslli?

Oh, John.

How old?

Sein Schur between John Andrew.

He works for BBC Wales Sport.

He's very tall.

was busy in Inquella, maybe if I saw him.

Yeah, sure of Ward.

Okay, that's fine.

So how do you know Joellen Corla?

Joe was in school with me in the same class.

We did all of the same subjects.

Talk to me about his presence.

And his pencil case.

And his pencil case.

Yeah, actually, I'd like to know.

I mean, yeah, he was a bit of a star pupil, so we knew he was good at football when he left school because he was obviously going to be...

Yeah, he's very academic, so to leave school at 16, you know.

Yeah, but he um, no, he was a lovely boy and is a lovely boy, and yes,

so perfect.

Are you still in touch with him?

No, not much, but you know, every now and then, if I sort of see him back in Dembrookshire, oh God, you have a charmed life.

Good love access to Joel.

You've got access to Alan.

You've interviewed him long long form twice.

Yeah, but I mean, real access.

Are there any other connections you know of, Corla?

Do you know Griffith Ivan, who used to be a Texas boy?

No, Bachri Henry.

He's older than you are.

Do you know

Marie Grieg, Esperant?

Oh, yeah.

I've been interviewed by her, actually.

So, yes, I would, yes, I think I would accept Marie Grieg.

I think the Novelli protocol

would give you Marie Grieg.

This feels really nice.

After we've just played a made-up game and I made an error, but now I'm relaxed.

That's quick stuff a very clean record yeah clean quick connection

and what do you what do you do for a living catrin um well funny should be talking about a leaned morgan i i work for the uk government so civil service oh

yeah well i'll be for a ministerial position for you at uk gov level shall i please yes what minister

you work in

um department for business and trade i have the very fortunate job of working on whales policy for uk gov so yeah very very relevant.

This won't make it onto the podcast.

Any plans to reduce corporation tax?

I mean,

do you know Emir Harvest, a civil servant?

Blime Bengueto.

Saint Schur and Arvodis.

If it's UK Gov versus Welsh Gov, yeah.

I'm Welsh Gov, but he did a lot of Iraq concrete.

But I go to Wales Away with him, so I often look at him.

Ah, okay.

I mean, Wales Away.

His presence looms large.

Going Wales Away.

Shouldimos so Grandfian.

Yeah, yeah.

Yes, yeah.

Don't we all?

Yes, Grandfian's one of my best friends from school.

And I know her dad, Owen, and Jane, and her brother.

Yes.

Excellent.

And I'm happy as Larry.

And he's got half a jar of cockles in his tummy.

I have.

Easy to cockles for the show.

Well, what a wonderful Cymry connection.

It's the fastest on record, without a doubt.

It's got to be.

And it's great to have you here to chat to you, Catherine.

Why are you talking like David?

Because he's infected me with his brain disease.

Oh, anyway, Josh, Catherine, is your shot to you.

He's good.

He's at peace now.

I am at peace.

You're creeping back up towards that 50%er.

And it's lovely to see, actually.

There's more.

Well, she's from Pembrokeshire.

Oh, right, I see.

Yeah.

There are more.

But I'm too tired to think now.

I just need to go down.

Now, hang on.

Why are you tired?

Do you not sleep last night either?

I can never sleep after gigs.

I had to wake up early to get the train.

Well, you did take the controversial decision to cure your coffee jitters with tea.

Only a small cup of tea.

It's a little cup.

It's a small cup of tea with its calming effects.

It's very mad, dad.

That's done said.

It calms you down when you're too anxious.

It peps you up when you're too sleepy.

It cools you down when you're too hot and it warms you up when you're too cold.

What a drink.

Even though I prefer coffee because I'm a bit of a, you know, legend.

A coffee bar slash legend.

Right then, everyone, that's the end of another classic show.

And

just can't wait to make more of them.

Really?

That's what I'm saying, as far as I'm concerned.

It's a lot, isn't it, a tour and a shit?

I think we're doing it.

It was our way back from Swansea on the same night.

Well, the reason we came if we all right well.

Let's drill into this, Ellis.

If the trains had, for whatever reason, let's face it, this could have easily happened.

If the trains had been as shut as the motorways were, Ellis, we wouldn't have got here.

We'd all be dead.

Yeah.

All we had to do was drive through central Newport and Bradley Stoke, which was once the negative equity capital of the UK.

Oh, no.

Yeah, they just call it sadly broke.

Oh, no.

That's a lovely little thing.

Where's Bradley Stoke?

Almsbury Interchange.

Right.

Where the M4 and the M5 intersect.

High drama.

Oh, God.

That's basically where I was brought up.

That reminds me of the circuit when all of the road closures was then at 10 after the gig had ended.

Oh, no way.

And you'd get caught up in it.

But if we'd all slept in Swansea and the trains had just decided to not work this morning, we would all not be here now.

So I think that's a good idea.

Well, I've got an early train.

None of us would have had a bloody hotel room.

I've got to.

Yeah, we all would have stayed in the Premier Inn, which is what I did.

I'd have already been in the Premier Inn.

And you'd have turned up, having not gone into your fancy hotel, and you'd have seen me at my window going like this.

Good evening, Ellis and Dane.

Did the Ritz have no room?

Let me ask Darren on reception, and we shall see if there is a stable for you.

Yeah, I see.

And meant i'd have sipped my complimentary espresso yeah it wasn't one of those it was more of a vending machine vibe

but um

yeah i just got an i've been in london since 20 plus 11

and farrington's eight minutes on the elizabeth line so easy peasy lemon squeezy dave driving back from swansea Oh, my skin's bad.

Poor Giles.

My face stings.

Dropped you off in Buckinghamshire, then had to drive to Wheeling.

He loves it.

He's got eight Red Bulls and no Weez.

Because

he's got some kind of condition.

Because the place tinks a Red Bull and he ain't getting out of the services.

His body somehow just processes its own waste

internally.

Like a carbon capture recycling center.

He's the future.

We could all be more Giles.

Yeah.

Have you seen June, the film?

Yeah.

It's like that.

Right.

Be more Giles.

See you next week.

We go again.

We go to Brighton.

We do the same.

Do not let this slip.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

Hello, it's Ray Winstone.

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