#479 - Going Cockleless, Lamb In Bed and The Elis James Clerical Universe

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Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Ellis James and John Robbins podcast.

We are back in the studio, surrounded by the spoils of our labour.

We've got a Ellis and John branded cushion, which I'm guessing is from the British Podcast Awards.

Yes, and a Barra Breath cake.

Barra Breath.

Barra Breath.

From last night?

Yes, from Swansea.

Kindly sent to us as part of a cheese package

by Steph Guerrero.

Hands Across the Ocean.

Hands Across the Ocean.

And all of Brunch Across podcasts, even though he's in another podcast I do with my friends.

Steph is part of socially distant sports.

Big time.

He's part

of the Ellis James Cinematic Universe.

Yes, yes, he is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he's got special powers in that he does all of my admin.

That's funny that a lot of the people in your cinematic universe do all of your admin.

Yeah, yeah.

In fact, your cinematic universe is you and lots of administrators

it's quite clerical my cinematic universe yeah it would be like if iron man

was um robert downey jr and 20 accountants yeah yeah yeah and a personal trainer and a driver yes yeah yeah and uh yeah just someone who you know dave

leave it mate it's happened again

it's happened again just leave it oh my gosh dave's bbc logo It's happened again.

I'm going to do a John Robbins.

Ready?

Yep.

Good.

And it's actually broken.

I must have said that.

Yeah.

What's happened?

The magnets come off it.

Oh, goodness.

We have magnetic BBC logo.

Oh, I'm not even having the conversation.

It's too boring.

No, no, but.

It's already been on the social media clip.

But we also have to explain to new listeners what's happened.

No, because we're editing all this out and Dave's getting sacked.

We're not.

We're leaving it in its real life on the radio/slash podcast world.

Okay.

But you've given up now.

I have now, actually, because

I've always backed magnets.

As well, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

Dave.

He bleeds magnets.

Since the dawn of electricity, man has placed too much trust in magnets.

They have.

And magnets have actually been betraying us.

Well, they've been betraying Dave mainly.

Yeah, trolling me.

Anyway, it's gone.

Who needs him?

Last night,

a very special boy made a homecoming didn't he Dave he did he did last night Ellis James his face was lit up on the walls of his home city literally literally yeah yeah last night 2 000 people chanted his name in unison in their heads yeah

thankfully not out loud though that would have been nice it would have been nice but it didn't happen and I'm glad because we did a gig at Swansea Arena

which was huge.

And I'd never been there before.

No, he'd never been there.

Because it was new.

I think it was built in 2021.

So I hadn't had a chance to see anything at the Swansea Arena.

Well, they've built an arena that would not be out of place on the Vegas Strip.

Have you seen pictures?

What's me what's full of like gamblers and snows?

But have you seen pictures?

They light up the whole of the outside of the building.

I haven't seen that.

With your faces last night.

It's the biggest my face has ever been.

Yes.

It may ever be.

Yes.

I can't imagine it being bigger.

I can't imagine it being bigger.

Who was the model that they beamed onto the side of the houses of Parliament?

Gail Porter.

You are the Gail Porter of 2025.

It's huge.

I think we are in a way.

Unless, I don't know, maybe in the future, when audio evolves and actually you can send it by light to other planets.

Yes.

Maybe they'll, like, with a big laser pen, our faces will be on the moon or something.

It did make me feel a little bit like a dictator in a totalitarian state.

Yeah, but one playing a made-up game.

Yeah, a benevolent one.

A benevolent dictator.

So it was a late night back.

Me and Dave didn't get in till 2 a.m.

Did we, Dave?

We didn't, but it's okay.

It's okay.

And Ellis stayed in

Swansea to soak up a bit of the acclaim.

I soaked up the atmos and then I turned up at my hotel and there'd been an issue with my booking.

And the man behind the counter felt so bad he gave me a complimentary jar of cockles.

What?

Really?

Where were they?

Where were they?

They're in my bag.

But where did he get them from?

Because it's, I'd, I love cockles and always will do.

And I'd actually turned up early in Swansea to visit my friend Pete.

And we went down to the Mumbles specifically so I could have cockles

and lava bread.

We turned up at the cafe that I know does them.

The cafe shuts at two, at three.

We were there at two and the guy went, oh, sorry, boys, it's so quiet.

We've closed.

So I was cockle us.

But I thought, I get cockles tomorrow.

I just need to wait 24 hours.

I'll have them for my breakfast before I come back to London to do the show with John and Dave.

Okay.

So I turned up at the hotel

after the gig.

I was probably not there until about half past 11.

Because I've been soaking up the acclaim and walking around as a benevolent dictator in

the fascist state that is Swansea with me as leader.

And I said, I'd like to check in, please.

And the guy said, we haven't got any more bookings.

And I said, yes, you have.

And I gave him all of the numbers and the details.

He didn't have it.

And I was like, okay, fine.

I can, Swansea's a big city.

I can find other places to stay.

And I said, but you do do cockles for your breakfast, don't you?

And he said, yes.

I said, that's.

I told Giles that that was a deal breaker.

So tomorrow, no, I'm going to have to have something a bit more boring.

And he said, oh, I'm so sorry.

He said, let me just, um

sorry I just need to go and check something and then he went and then a couple of minutes later he came back and he said I'm so sorry you can't stay here please have these that's a cockles and that's swansey that's swansey

nutshell cockles run in their blood and in their bones they certainly do yeah yeah hannah's nickname's cockles i call hannah cockles cockles to you

because the northern the northern term of affection is cock yeah cock yeah yeah and then just over the years that's trans that's the kind of of moved to cockles.

Cockles because it's a bit cuter.

It's a bit more playful.

So whenever anyone says cockles, it always has quite a familiar meaning in my head.

I might put them on the shelf because they're in vinegar, so they last about eight years.

I don't think I've ever had a cockle.

They're disgusting.

Oh, are they?

They're fantastic.

Are they?

Lava-green bacon and eggs.

They are superb.

They're very gritty.

Oh, are they?

And they taste like the sea.

Oh, do they?

Oh, wow.

It's superb.

You know, when the sea goes out and you get that sort of swampy sound.

Oh, does it?

Imagine eating that.

Oh, no.

Imagine eating that for breakfast.

Oh, yes, please.

Yeah, I do.

And it's fantastic.

You're both very convincing.

Yes, it's fantastic.

I'm going to eat them.

I might eat them during the show.

I want one.

Well, get them out.

I've never had a cockle, but I think I will like cockles.

This is so five live.

It's regional.

Yeah.

It's playful.

It is.

It's a little bit different.

There's a bit of texture in the air.

Things have got crazy.

It wouldn't be at a place on Chorley, would it?

Wouldn't be at a place on Matt Chorley.

Oh.

Don't they look nice, Dave?

He's opening the cockles.

Oh, that's not satisfying.

We'll put a different sound in post.

Yeah, an explosion.

So there you go.

You should eat them with a tooth.

Yeah, I'm not digging in with my hands.

We've got any cutlery in the room.

I've got a spoon.

Ellis has got a cutlassland.

It's got a spoon.

It's all coming out.

It's a lime.

And we're going to get a cockle from every constituency in the UK.

And it starts today.

Even the landlocked ones.

Even the landlocked ones, imported cockles.

I've actually got a cockle guy in South London.

You can get them in Mancisco.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But here's a my cockle guy sells them fresh.

Okay, here you go.

Dave, describe what you're looking at to the listener.

Well, talk to me.

Is this too much or too little cockles for a portion?

There's a amount of cockles.

There's no such thing as too much.

No such thing as too much.

And it looks like, I mean, I hate to ruin what you're about to eat, Dave, but it does look like you've got sort of 20 old tissues off the floor and just sort of scraped scraped them.

What's your problem?

You're tired.

I am tired.

If you weren't tired, you'd be loving this.

Yeah, well, the thing is, they're so up, they, in theory, are very me.

And I bought a jar from Tesco and I just didn't like them.

Dave, cockle.

All right.

Get cockle indeed.

Michael, we'll put a tension drone under this.

Whoa, what an odd noise to make half as a spoon is halfway to your mouth.

That was a sound of regret, Dave.

I'm in too deep here.

Thoughts and feelings, Dave?

Don't make that face.

So what do you...

Okay.

I don't mind them.

Thank you.

A bit tunery.

Yeah.

Little pockets of tuna.

That's okay.

Little bits of tuna.

What would you have them with?

Would you put them on a pizza?

I suppose you could.

Welsh breakfast is fried cockles, lava bread, which are made with seaweed, bacon, and eggs.

Yeah.

I've never had them fried before.

That might have been.

That's very nice.

Yeah.

Because obviously the vinegar there is making it quite overpowering.

Yeah, I don't mind.

So fresh cockles, you just have them from a pot, maybe at a market.

Yeah.

You know, maybe at a baby shower.

Maybe at a baby shower in the company of a cockney.

Maybe at an interview for a low-level administrative job.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, maybe if you're flying a 747.

Yeah, as you could take them as a little snack to spice up the airplane food.

Yes,

in the cockles pit.

In the cockles pit, Dave!

Oh, my God.

He's done it again.

Half two, I got to sleep last night.

That's what you get.

That's what you get.

God, you're good.

Tasted exactly as I thought they would taste, actually.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

Is there a sweetness to them, Dave?

Or is it all just vinegar?

No, no, no.

Fried cockers are fantastic and fried cockers are nice.

They overpower the vinegar so you don't just feel like you're just tasting vinegar.

I didn't mind them at all.

There you go.

And they'll be all right.

They'll keep now for another eight to ten years, won't they?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Easy.

Oh, I'll be dead before they go off.

Oh, God, yeah.

Yeah, we all will.

So there you go.

That's where we're at.

Now, then, a couple of weeks ago, a couple of months ago now,

Dave created

another.

Another entry into the Hall of Fame of jingles.

A jingle that I think is longer than the feature lasted.

Yeah.

It is long.

Well, I think it started by me just singing it on the hoof.

Just riffing it.

Like McCartney did get back.

Yeah.

It was similar to that.

It was two and a half minutes of unbridled creativity.

Yes.

So let's hear that jingle for Ask Us Anything.

Ask us anything, anything you wanna know.

Is it sunny, is it rainy, or is it gonna snow?

Send your questions in, answers you will surely get.

What's your shoe size?

What's the name of your very first pet?

If you're curious, get in touch and ask away.

Are you roll-on?

Are you natural or are you spray?

So there you go.

And believe it or not, I said that that wouldn't be out of place on Lou Reed's Transformer.

Which is an album we both love.

One of the all-time G.

It's a little bit

goodnight ladies at the end of Transformer as well.

Yes, yes.

And a listener got in touch after we were eulogizing about Transformer and all of Lou Reed's output, really, to an extent, and said, my dad played drums on Transformer,

which piqued our interest.

Yeah, so calls have been made, Zooms have been set up, and I'm delighted to say we are joined by John Halsey.

Is it Halsey or Halsey?

It is, it's Halsey, Halsey, whatever you prefer.

Americans say Halsey because there was a famous Admiral Halsey.

Oh, well,

John, I am in the presence of musical greatness,

and look at me.

I'm not, yes.

Well, looking at you

in that jingle.

What did you think of the jingle?

Long, isn't it?

Yeah.

Longer than I expected when it started.

But when it finished, I thought, oh, that was long.

Yeah.

Did it remind you of those days of creative sort of inspiration in the early 70s?

No, because I'm a cheapest creator.

It's sitting with you two.

Yeah, sorry about that.

When I did the

Transformer album tracks that I played on,

David Bowie was there up in the control room with his missus.

They were both shod from head to foot in sequence.

And

Mick Ronson was there, who I've met a few times before.

Klaus Vorman was there.

He was

miserable, to say the least.

I don't think he approved of me.

I think he thought that they

should have had a superstar drummer on there, really.

And

Lou Reeb was there, but

I don't remember ever seeing him.

Really?

No, he was sort of dressed in black with dark glasses on

and

face paint like a commando and he was

sitting behind some screens in the corner and he was singing and joining in on bits of conversation on the playbacks.

But I don't recall ever seeing him come out from his corner.

Wow.

Wow, that's do you know, similar stories are told about Van Morrison on Astral Weeks.

Like some of the musicians, some of the session musicians, in fact, one of the session musicians, they don't even know who it was.

They can't remember who, unless they can't remember who played the fiddle or something.

But he would just be in a separate booth.

I heard a saying about Van Morrison that the world is divided into two groups: those who like Van Morrison and those who have met him.

Well, John, tell us how this came about because people might know you better as Barry Wom from the Ruttles.

Yes, so

how did you end up on Transformer?

Um,

well,

David Bowie found me up.

I was out doing a dodgy pub gig

in Ponders End near Enfield.

And when I got back home, my wife was still up.

So I thought, oh, something must have happened to one of the children.

They were both very young.

And it was gone midnight.

She'd normally be in bed by that time of night.

And she said, David Bowie's phoned you up.

I said, don't be silly.

It's somebody mucking about.

So she said, no, I'm sure it was him.

So anyway,

she said, he's going to phone you back.

And he did phone me back

weeks later and asked me to go and do these

Lou Reed sessions.

I met Mick Ronson a few times and he

recommended me to go and do these sessions.

And so I got booked and when I did them, two

sessions in the name, oh, the studio, I can't remember.

It was Trident Studios, wasn't it?

Which one?

Was it Trident?

Might have been.

Was that in Wardrobe Street?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I know it because I recorded the voiceover for Channel 5 Star's Christmas movie blenders at Trident Studios.

So it's been an awful lot of creativity in that thing.

Yeah, up the road from the Marquis, just by the shoe.

Yeah, yeah.

I remember that.

Well, it was recorded at Trident as well in the early 70s.

Yeah, so it's Channel 5 Star's greatest ever movie blenders, the voiceover, Queen and Lou Reed's Transformers.

And Hey Jude.

And Hey Jude.

It's a lot of creativity.

So Lou, who was telling you what to play?

Was it David Bowie or was it Lou Reed or were you just allowed to?

Very much so.

Very much so, David Bowie.

He seemed to have

envisaged how the track was going to end up sounding.

Okay.

And

I mean, I didn't play the way I played in my normal band, which was a band called Pato.

We were together for six years and made a few albums and to no great success.

And

I didn't play in the way I wanted to play.

I played in the way I was asked to play.

And it was the first session I ever did,

apart from sessions with my own band.

And

it was very scary, really.

I mean, there I was with David Bowie and Mick Ronson and Klaus Vorman.

Me,

I didn't really, it was a bit hard to handle, really.

So which were the tracks that you remember playing on in those sessions?

I remember playing

Perfect Day.

I remember playing Vicious

and Satellite of Love.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

And

American the Telephone Conversation.

Yeah.

So I think now

people forget that when albums like Transformer came out, they weren't necessarily instant classics, even though they're in sort of top 10 lists and top 100 lists of

when we do retrospective now.

So what was its reaction when it came out?

Did it give you a lot of sort of kudos around the music scene when you came back home that you'd been on it?

Not really, you know, it was sort of released and slowly

gave notoriety.

You know, gradually the songs were used in

train spotting, the film, and

adverts that use perfect.

No,

no, a load of American artists had a big hit with Perfect Day, didn't they?

Yeah, yeah, when they did the big BBC for children in need, I think

they covered it.

I think it gradually gained notoriety, you know, and it's still going.

You know, they're evergreen songs.

They're great songs.

And could you tell you were recording something special?

uh

no not really i was concentrating on trying to concentrate on what i was doing i'm trying to concentrate on on what david bowie and mick ronson wanted really it was

like i said for me it was all very scary i'd never done a session with stars before so why was it you think that david bowie called you because you went on um as a session drummer to record with joan armor trading roger Chapman, Maddie Pryor, Roy Harper.

What was it that caused David to pluck you out of Enfield?

It was

Mick Ronson, really.

Mick Ronson, he used to, he was one of the guitarists who would turn up regularly at London gigs to see our band because they all idolised.

our guitarist, a guy called Ollie Horsall.

And that we would often play to a load of guitarists guitarists who were in the audience.

And Mick Ronson was one of those people and

just recommended me to David to do this

Lou Reed album.

That was it.

I thought I was the right player for it.

I suppose.

And you've done a lot of stuff since then.

Is it true you used to sell fish out of a van?

Yeah, I do.

I've done loads of stuff.

Do you like knuckles?

I've been a publican for 28 years as well.

And I was sort of ducking out of my pub and doing gigs and doing tours with the Ruttles and with Neil Innes, especially.

Yeah.

Viv Stanshaw.

You must have had more fun, presumably, with the Ruttles than Lou Reed working with Eric Idle.

Well, I've done loads and loads of stuff.

You know,

when the Patos

toured with

Joe Cocker, Jim Keltner, my all-time hero drummer, he left the joe cocker band and um

i used to go on with pato

and then come off change my shirt and go on with joe as well

and uh

i was in frankie miller's band for a little while and um

also worked with the scaffold and did um what was it tizwas do you remember tizwas

wow kids cv show you probably don't your dad your dad ask your dad

the supermarkets were empty while Tizwas was on.

Go out shopping on a Saturday morning.

There'd be nobody in any of the shops.

Well, the parents would be watching Tizwas.

Well, this September, you've released your first ever solo album, Songs of the Donkey Shed.

What's the donkey shed and what are the songs about?

Here it is.

Oh, there it is.

It's got the CD.

Lovely.

It's...

The donkey shed.

I live in an old farmhouse in Cambridgeshire, and there's some outbuildings.

And there's one which was a donkey shed.

It's It's got

a door split in half so

Mr.

Ed could look over the top.

And

we did a lot of the recording in there, so we called it Songs of the Donkey Shed.

And it's just all old songs.

Some of them mean a lot to me, and some of them don't mean anything to me.

And we just recorded them for a laugh.

It's not a comedy album.

It's just a fun album.

And I'm really proud of it.

And the playing on it is great.

It took about three years to do in bits and pieces.

There it is.

Well, John, we wish you all the best with your new album, Songs at the Donkey Shed.

And thank you so much for coming on and giving us a glimpse of Transformer.

It's an absolute pleasure.

Thank you very much.

And thanks for doing your Radio Shine podcast.

It's more fun

that I can have.

Thanks, John.

That's great.

Thank you so much.

Hello, it's Ray Winstone.

I'm here to tell you about my podcast on BBC Radio 4, History's Toughest Heroes.

I got stories about the pioneers, the rebels, the outcasts who define tough.

And that was the first time that anybody ever ran a car up that fast with no tires on.

It almost feels like your eyeballs are going to come out of your head.

Tough enough for you.

Subscribe to History's toughest heroes, wherever you get your podcast.

Every now and then, I rinse it out.

And I need downy rinse tonight.

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When impossible odors get stuck in, rinse it out.

Wow, that was exciting.

That was really interesting.

I love meeting people who've been involved in some of my greatest records.

It doesn't happen very often.

Yeah.

Imagine if you're running a pub and suddenly Perfect Day comes on the radio and you can turn to the person at the bar and go, that's me.

Yeah.

Brilliant.

That is me.

And that's not a lie, even though it sounds like a pub lie.

It sounds like Pub BS.

Yeah.

But it isn't.

That's £2.80, please.

Well, that has really put a spring in my step, but nothing puts a spring in my step like reading your correspondence about mad dads.

My dad, when he brought his first non-stick frying pan, kept the instructions and stuck them on the wall next to it.

Actual real wooden clods.

and set about eating what must have been north of 24 egg canopes.

He then proceeded to empty 40 litres or so of port onto the timber and strike a match.

Dance a mad.

Dance a mad.

Dads.

Oh, mad.

Wouldn't you love the stories of your mad dads?

Keep them coming in to Ellis and Sean at bbc.co.uk.

Is any have any tickled your fancy, John?

Yes, I like this from Jack.

Jack says, hello, lovely lads.

I have for you a mad dad.

For context, my dad is an all-time great, a lovely man who would do anything for his kids.

But his habits are so distinct that his full name, Nigel Brown, has officially become an adjective amongst family and friends.

For example, if someone brings homemade sandwiches to the golf course instead of grabbing a snack at the halfway house, that's described as very Nigel Brown.

I think that's happened to you a little bit, John.

I've heard people saying that's so robbing.

Yeah, they did.

They do say that.

Because dad lives by two core values, a deep love of meat and an even deeper love of saving money.

But let me take you beyond the golf course and into the night, into the bedroom.

You see, whilst most people enjoy a biscuit or a cup of tea before bed, Nigel Brown opts for something a little heartier.

Say, a plate of cold leftover roast beef, or, on special occasions, a bone from Sunday lunch to gnaw on as a sort of prehistoric nightcap.

That is so, Nigel Brown.

My word.

My mum, an actual saint, has recently, after 33 years of marriage, drawn a line of lamb in bed because she she can't handle the smell.

But a few years back, Dad's bedtime meal habit reached a whole new level.

It was Sunday.

There had been wine.

The vibes were good.

So naturally, he took a plate of leftover gamon to bed.

He enjoyed it, brushed his teeth after, like a gentleman, and went to sleep.

A few days later, Mum was changing the sheets when she noticed big yellow stains down the side of the bed.

Slightly alarmed, she did the sniff test and discovered that along with the gamon, Dad had treated himself to a generous helping of English mustard, which had not only spilled but had been lovingly smeared across the sheets as he slept.

Despite multiple washes, the mustard wouldn't budge.

You should have told them about your fairy liquid activity.

Your fairy liquid active.

Well, it sent out all things.

It's the hack everyone's talking about.

The sheets were ruined, and thus another chapter was added to the growing legend of Nigel Brown.

He also once stuffed eight packs of frozen bacon into our cousin's mate's suitcase before a ski trip.

Miraculously, customs didn't bat an eyelid, and for the next week, we feasted on proper British bacon sarnis every morning.

Genuine, delicious, and probably saved us about 12 grand in Swiss supermarket prices.

Thanks for all you do, Jack.

That.

Jack, thanks for all you do.

And thanks for all Nigel Brown has done.

That's unbelievable.

That is a man who loves his meat.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I've met people who've loved me.

I've never met a bedtime meat eater.

33 years of lamb in the bed.

Letting that go is incredibly patient from his wonderful wife.

If you could only take one meat to bed, what would it be?

Great question.

Great question.

Well, you've got to worry about staining and smell.

Yes.

I would say it would have to be bacon, I think.

Okay.

And how are you eating the bacon in a sandwich or a break?

My lounge, we take a sandwich note.

However, you want

Crumbs.

It's my issue with

breakfast in bed.

You just end up with crumbs in your bed.

I'm going to say a bacon sandwich.

Anything like a Sunday dinner just feels so absurd.

Yeah, I don't think anyone's suggesting a Sunday dinner.

I don't know.

Nigel might.

Nigel Brown's eating lamb and roast beef in bed.

I can understand the appeal of some sort of, you know, cold cuts.

Like hams.

A bit of cheese, a bit of of piccolilly mine would be

pepperami wai boy okay

because it's neat it comes in a little yeah yeah

a sheath

it does a johnny johnny it does make you think differently once you're eating it in bed you've got to think about that i never ever eat anything in bed and would never do that

No, it's not a place that I ever feel hungry.

No, no, no, no.

But I would probably go for some popcorn chicken oh yeah with a hot wings dip oh shiny spare ribs yes how imagine

very sticky and uh splattery sticky and splattery on the sheets no no food in the bedroom that's not a bad rule for life but you eat you ate curry in bed didn't you actually got your curry stain on you no i got curry stain on a t-shirt so it became a bed t-shirt can we just be clear on this yeah let's get the dunging light curry in bed no no really no you surprise me Because I may have said that that is so Robins, which sounds like a fragrance.

Oh, I hate it.

Imagine having a bedroom smelling of curry.

So Robinson Robbins.

So, mad dads, email ellisonjohn at bbc.co.uk if you've got a Nigel Brown in your life.

And Dave, it's got to ask us anything written here.

Yeah, are we up for the jingle twice in one app?

It feels like a lot, doesn't it?

Just skip back about 20 minutes and you can hear it again.

Yeah.

What about if you play it at twice speed?

No, let's not.

I want to hear it at twice speed.

Well, we can't hear it now.

Because it's quite slow.

It'd be like the chipmunks.

You can hear it now at twice speed.

Yeah.

I don't know why we need to get it.

I guess I'd like it at twice.

And some people will be listening to this podcast at 1.5 times speed anyway.

So then it'll be three times speed.

They'll get it super flash, which I find disrespectful, me too.

Can't you play it on your laptop at twice speed?

You know what?

I could actually.

Ah, this is a faff.

I want to hear it, Dave.

I think this could be good humour for the underlying.

I think this is good humour, Dave.

Is it for

the K-pop generation?

Yeah.

Okay, okay, okay.

Ask us

any.

Oh, there it is.

Okay, so there's the jing.

Yeah.

We're abbreviating everyone.

Sorry.

Yeah, that was pathetic.

And then if I go to

time and pitch, pitch bender.

And then.

is it no stretch and pitch.

Stretch and pitch.

What were we at?

We were at.

How long was it?

90.

Bloody house, 50 seconds.

Right, okay.

And we want to shrink it down to 20.

33 seconds?

Did you get that guy?

Twice speed.

Yeah, so 25 seconds.

This would be like a, they'll listen to this in nightclubs, Dave.

Yeah, put a house beat on underneath this.

Let's see how this works.

Get superstar DJ to play this.

Oh, we've gone to 12 seconds.

That's not it.

That's no good.

Okay, so process of elimination, trial, and error.

I'm just going to go down to.

Oh, it's.

Ah, sorry, it's percentage.

That's why.

Let's go to 50.

Sick with us.

We'll chop.

Excuse me.

We're saving so much time.

Here we go.

Well done, Dave.

Ed to sing on the fly.

We've done it.

Ready?

Yep.

Enjoy.

It's good.

Send your questions in, answers you will surely get.

What's your shoes?

What's the name of your very first pet?

If you're curious, get in touch and ask her way.

Still feels long.

Does it?

You're on the right you spray.

Very good.

Well done, Dave.

I I didn't mind that.

No.

Okay, so what are the any things people want to ask us?

There was a free sun to that that I really, really could get on board with.

Well, the sped up version.

Yeah.

Yeah, it felt jauntier.

Great.

First one is from Jacob.

Hi, Jacob.

Which I think is a really interesting question.

My question to you both is, when did you know you were funny?

I understand that this is a subjective question, but I guess what I mean by it is, what sort of support and exterior feedback led you into becoming comics?

Does that make sense?

But I think a good, yeah, so when was that first moment?

What's the difference between knowing you're funny and knowing you could be a comedian?

Yeah.

I've got friends who are funnier than me, but I don't know whether they would want to be or sort of enjoy the lifestyle of being a comic.

That was the thing I found hardest to cope with when I first started, was that I was funnier with my friends than I was on stage, and I couldn't work out how to initially I couldn't work translate being funny in company with your mates to

just 20 minutes of stuff that would make strangers laugh.

Even though, when I'd, because I'd had lots of different jobs after graduating between that and between graduating and starting as a stand-up, but if I used to go to the office, I suppose I was, I would make people laugh.

That's how I tried to make people like me.

But I couldn't do that on stage for a long time.

I thought, why not?

What's happening here?

But I certainly remember as a little kid

on bus trips you know school bus trips and stuff

I would be trying to make consciously trying to make people laugh when I was very young

but it does take a while to for that to work out in front of the general public and can you remember that moment where

there was there was a point where you thought I should try and take this further or is that just a general progression?

I had considered it throughout my teenage years but I had no idea how that would happen.

Yeah.

Because

there were, I mean, I've said this so many times, but because the Gorkies had gone to my school and they were on Radio One and they were on, you know,

Jules Holland and stuff and in music press, there seemed to be a pathway to make it as a musician.

There were lots of bands in my school, so I sort of thought, well, I could do that.

But there was no comedy club for 100 miles.

So I had no idea how Steve Cogan had ended up on Telly.

He just seemed to appear on TV and I didn't know how that was happening.

So it was, it was,

it just felt very fanciful.

Did you think you were going to be a comedian when you were a teenager?

No, I definitely like did impressions.

And if there were ever

extracurricular stuff at school, I would always make funny things.

I would always try and like rip off the day-to-day or Alan Partridge or Bottom.

So I was always sort of like

impersonating those things.

And Reeves and Mortimer, I would, Me and my friend George in science class the day after the morning after the most recent episode of Shooting Stars or The Smell of Reeves and Mortimer would do the skits.

I used to do that.

I would record it and I would watch it in the morning and learn them and then we would do the songs.

But then I think

I think really

the first time I saw stand-up It was in like an open mic night in a pub and people didn't do that well.

And I think actually, as opposed to being really intimidated going, This is going to be impossible.

How am I ever going to be able to do this?

I thought, can I carry that?

Really?

Yeah, because, like, the reason they were struggling is because the room was really difficult.

And it was just, you know,

really hard to dig in front of 10 people, haven't paid anything.

You're just sort of turning up in their area of the pub.

Yeah, yeah, that was my first gig.

You know, I went on to struggle at those sorts of gigs for years, but I think that initial thing of watching people die on their ass made me think, oh, well, it can't be impossible.

Like, because I think I can do better than that.

Yes, I'd seen Peter Cates in David's Hall in Cardiff, and it was like a magician.

Oh, well, it was, yeah.

So my experience was the opposite of that.

I watched like six new acts on a really difficult room

fail to get much laughter, and I thought, I can do better than this.

And then I went to see.

Which took a while.

Yeah.

And then I went to see a night at the Cardiff Glee Club, and I remember the comics who were doing it.

And Alistair Barry was comparing.

And so he was talking to the audience, which seemed so risky.

So I thought, he can't have prepared any of this in advance.

This is insane.

And I found that very intimidating.

I just couldn't believe he was willing to ask people in the front row stuff and then just riff on

their answers, thinking, well, they can't all be plants or stooges.

I remember Gavin.

Do you remember Gavin Webster?

He had a great routine.

about adverts for university and I just thought it was amazing.

I thought,

I'm not that funny.

So it was very intimidating.

Interesting.

Yes, next question, please, Dave.

Two different avenues there into comedy.

A slightly longer one, but I think you will have answers.

And John, I think you'll particularly enjoy this one.

Okay.

This is from Liz.

After, did I give the name of the previous one?

I don't know if I did.

I should do impressions of Margaret Thatcher when I was very, very little during the minor strike.

And my dad had to get friends from work round to watch me do Thatcher impressions.

That was from Jacob.

Thank you, Jacob.

This is from Liz.

After many months of learning to drive, I recently passed my test a couple of weeks ago and I've just bought my first car, a cute little 2004 Nissan Micra, which I love.

I don't have any kind of driving guru parental figure in my life, so I thought I should try to tap in to your endless wisdom and worldly knowledge and see if you have any advice for the beginning of my journey into being a certified legend/slash licensed driver.

So any kind of tips and tricks of what you've learned from driving over the years that maybe isn't taught by a driving instructor, but you go, that's actually really useful to know just in the world of a driver.

Use your mirrors.

Yeah, I think the driving instructors.

No, but I think people forget.

Really?

I think that's what causes a lot of accidents is people not using their mirrors.

I mean, I think what,

yeah, it's just, I see people drive and they obviously haven't checked their blind spots and their mirrors.

Okay.

And it just really gets and don't go too close to cars in front of you because a car went into the back of me on the way to a gig in Brighton and I've never forgotten it.

Yeah, yeah.

The distance, the old distance.

Never take a risk, never miss an opportunity.

It's one of my favourite driving mottos.

Never take a risk, never miss an opportunity.

If you're pulling out of a roundabout or if you're out of a T-junction, you see a gap.

Yeah.

Is it a risk or is it an opportunity?

Never take a risk, never miss an opportunity.

But you think that's too vague for a new driver.

No, definitely not.

People are too

hesitant.

So you're not.

Or

too overconfident.

Okay.

So which way...

So what does that mean?

Are you saying that?

You've got to be assertive, calmly.

You've got to be calmly assertive.

You drive into the gap.

Oh, so they're kind of separate phrases almost.

No, it's like the difference between an opportunity and a risk.

Yeah.

Is

the secret to good driving.

That's very wise again, isn't it, Dallas?

For example, if you're coming out of a motorway services onto the little slip road that leads back onto the motorway, you've probably got 250 yards.

Yes.

Okay.

You've got to get up to motorway speed.

But you've also got to find your space to get into the lane.

You can't be hesitant because then you'll end up slowing down and being at like...

five miles an hour at the end.

So you've got to bang.

Come on, every, come on, people.

Yeah.

Let's move, move, move.

Yeah.

But don't be risky with it.

Don't be risky with it.

Don't pressurize other people.

Ease into lanes on motorways because itz used to go from the fast lane to the mid lane at basically at a right angle.

That'll be a lot of reports.

But easing is what causes that.

You need to accelerate into it.

Yeah, but what I'm saying is you don't do that.

Oh, no, you don't do that, no.

Yeah.

Okay.

I would also say just once you've passed your test, a mistake a lot of people make is they have weekly lessons for months.

They pass the test.

They then don't drive again for four weeks.

Absolutely, yeah.

You've got to get out every other day.

Do a little bit.

And also,

when your confidence is low, when you've just started, just don't, if you can avoid driving at rush hour, that's great.

But drive at night when there's nothing on the road.

Yeah, don't leave it like two years till you're next on a motorway.

Also, most people are on motorways when most people who are on motorways are not used to being on motorways, e.g.

bank holidays.

You know, suddenly people have been doing their regular commute journey every day or trip to local shops every couple of days suddenly think, I'm going to drive for 250 miles to South Cornwall while everyone else is driving and I'm going to tow a caravan.

How hard can it be with all my car full of stuff so I can't see out of my rear view mirror?

Bang!

Next thing you know, the M4's shut.

Thanks a lot.

Okay.

But do enjoy yourself.

It should be an enjoyable process.

Just bear in mind, John's tired.

We all should have stayed in Swansea.

We all should have stayed in Swansea,

but it is.

There is, of course,

Christmas is similar.

Lots of accidents around Christmas because of the weather.

People aren't used to driving.

Oh, I'm just going to, I'm going back to my mum's in Harrogate.

Yeah.

Oh, when was the last time you drove over 10 miles?

I don't know, pre-COVID.

Let's load up the car with presents.

So I go bang!

Bang!

The M1's close.

What?

Who is this this person who asked this question Liz best of luck Liz

and

yeah send me a message and I'll and I'll respond separately I think they won't petrify you into never driving again we don't want to paralyze her through fear god no enjoy yourself no but we also don't want the m1 and the m4 closed on a bank holiday and christmas respectively do bear breaking distance on motorways in mind yeah because people are so close especially in wet weather yes 100%.

That was the best thing my dad said to me: you're not looking far enough ahead of the motorway.

Like, always have an eye on

that 200 meters ahead.

So even though you're tempted just to be looking at the car in front.

Look at the car in front of the car in front.

Well, even more than that.

Look at the car in front of the car in front of the car in front of the front.

And then you learn and that comes with experience.

And now I'm always looking at the, you know, 200 meters ahead.

It's good.

Great.

Thanks, Liz.

Thanks, Liz.

So that's Ask Us Anything, actually, as it goes.

It's good.

Are you glad that we did that day?

I am, actually.

I'll show you a more intense one.

It was childhood and car accidents.

I like the little motto around risk and opportunity, John.

Yeah.

I did enjoy that.

I think it's too vague.

No, I think

I remember Izzy learning to drive.

She was in her 30s 10 years ago.

And if I'd said to her...

Don't take a risk, never miss an opportunity.

Yeah, but I didn't say it like that, did I?

And I also did say that to Izzy when I took her out on the motorway in your car, that she appreciated because I was so calm.

And you get agitated with her.

Yeah.

In the car, I do.

Yeah, so then.

So let's look to the gurus, shall we?

Who are the gurus?

I'm the car guru.

Yeah.

You're the sport guru.

Thank you.

Dave's the calf guru.

Yeah.

As in calves, not cattle.

No.

Yeah, yeah.

One day.

Great.

Well, there we go, folks.

We've had a lovely time.

We have.

We'll be back with you very soon on Tuesday, of course.

And the correspondence that you've sent in will be in the BBC Sounds only feature, Bureau de Change of the Mind, coming out on Saturday, Dave.

Correct.

Thoughts, Ellis.

Looking forward to it.

Goodbye.

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