#488 - The Tregib Vibe, Discounting Pabs and Greg James

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Speaker 2 Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Ellis James and John Robbins Show.
And tensions are still running high after the annual in-house BBC Poetry Competition. The venue, the BBC Radio Theatre.
The theme?

Speaker 2 What does the BBC mean to you?

Speaker 2 Our host for the event was last year's winner Rachel Burden, whose touching sonnets, Radio 4 and a whole lot more, had wowed judges and appeared on in-house marketing for which she received a £40 book token.

Speaker 2 Okay everybody, Rachel said. The first name out of the hat is Rick Edwards.

Speaker 2 Rick?

Speaker 2 Where are you, Rick?

Speaker 2 Here, came a voice from the back row. Rick, get your feet down off the seats and come and read your poem.

Speaker 2 Rick took to the stage and removed a pad from his leather jacket. Out, said Rachel with a glare.
Rick removed his chewing gum and stuck it under the lectern. And what's the name of your poem, Rick?

Speaker 2 It's called, Is It Me?

Speaker 2 What is the BBC? Is it you? Is it me? On digital on demand, big brother barking the same old command? What is the BBC? Heard mentality? Blurred reality? Word neutrality? Slurred onto your radio.

Speaker 2 Midday kickoff, home or a wadio? BBC decree, is it you? Is it me? Is it what I see on the TV? The television, the terravision, the traffic and travel collision decision?

Speaker 2 Is the M4 blocked or is it your mind?

Speaker 2 Half-cocked pop rocked, Christmas socked with an uppercut to the rut of you sat on your butt. Age checks ruined your access to smut.
Is that why you turn on, yearn on, the mainstream bonfire of lies?

Speaker 2 Open your eyes. It's time to decide who to obey.
Match of the day or dispatch of dismay. What is the BBC?

Speaker 2 Is it you or is it me?

Speaker 2 Right, you're the best poet in the world. I did that, wasn't it? That was Rick Edwards.
Rick Edwards is the best poet in the world. Bloody hell, Naga whispered to Adrian.

Speaker 2 Well done, Rick, said Rachel. Very powerful.
Next up was Ellis James.

Speaker 2 Oh, do I have to? Ellis whispered to Dave. Yeah, it's good for the optics.

Speaker 2 Ellis sighed and headed up to the podium. I've written a haiku.

Speaker 2 It's called TV.

Speaker 2 Old TV is good.

Speaker 2 Sometimes they show clips of Mark Hughes taking free kicks.

Speaker 2 Okay, good effort, said Rachel with a pat on the back. Cheers, Dave, said Ellis as he sat down.
This is for dweebs and losers and the unwell.

Speaker 2 And that was the end of the affair. Due to being the only poem technically about the BBC, Rick won.

Speaker 2 His poem wasn't used in internal marketing, but he did get a Knight in the Traitor's House and a BBC Keepy Cup.

Speaker 2 Why did I have to be a bad poet?

Speaker 2 What's the difference? Why exactly the poem you would write?

Speaker 2 Yes, but it's not as good as Rick's poem, is it? But Rick's poem is inappropriate. Yes, but it's edgy.
It poses questions.

Speaker 2 I'll be honest with you. Once I'd lost confidence in that intro, I'd already spent an hour on it.

Speaker 2 Why is it? I love that. It's confusing.
No one else is doing that, John.

Speaker 2 No one else has got time, Dave. Rick's poem was the best.
No.

Speaker 2 Well, it's good if you like slam poetry, but I hate slam poetry. Do you? And what are your experiences of slam poetry? Because I've been in the middle of the day.
I've had none.

Speaker 2 But did you go and watch it as a young man? I think I probably wrote quite a bit of it, to be honest with you. I wrote slam poetry.

Speaker 2 Well, in the cadence of slam poetry, how do you think I pull that out of my bump at nine in the morning, between nine and eleven thirty in the morning? Two and a half hours.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it did take a long time. Rick's Rick's was took the longest.
Anyway, there you go. Chuck it in the bin.
No, don't frame it in the bin. Frame it.

Speaker 2 And beam this onto the side of the houses of parliament.

Speaker 2 Give it here, Div.

Speaker 2 This isn't for the bin.

Speaker 2 This is John Cannon.

Speaker 2 Okay. As your biographer,

Speaker 2 you should be able to.

Speaker 2 This will go in.

Speaker 2 Probably a footnote, maybe an interlude. So how do you? Slurred reality, word neutrality slurred on your radio midday kickoff homer or radio?

Speaker 2 That's good stuff. It is.
It is. That's what slam poets talk like.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 There's not much of a slam poetry scene anymore, is there? I think there. I thought that was a sort of 80s nights.
I wonder if

Speaker 2 it's so bad that social media has killed it because people

Speaker 2 don't put it online. You do get some good slam poetry.
In fact, I've seen great slam poetry, but it's not that.

Speaker 2 Well, i must admit i'm i'm quite ignorant about the slam poetry scene well there's there's only one way to fix this and it's got bonus podcasts written all over

Speaker 2 ellis's slam poetry debut oh my lordy lord all right fine look it up day well i'm just gonna see if there's any good slam poetry nights in london are you i'd set your bar a little bit lower dave i just maybe check if there's any slam poetry nights i'll do anything for bonus podcast uh bonus content

Speaker 2 outspoken Good. Is that Slam Poetry? Is London's premier live poetry night and workshop? That's really good.

Speaker 2 That standard will be too high, though, for what is happening at the South Bank Centre. I'm not sure.
That's the standard's too high, Dave.

Speaker 2 I'm not doing that as my first Slam Poetry gig, the South Bank Centre. It holds about 1,200.

Speaker 2 Imagine.

Speaker 2 Okay, the Speaker's Corner Poetry School. What's Hyde Park? Just at Speaker's Corner.
Hold on. Is that what it means? That might be quite good.
What would I write about?

Speaker 2 Well, maybe, maybe, Dave, we get listeners to send in their recommended slam poetry nights to test my prejudices and Ellis's poetry. Rat infestation.
I hate this nation. There we go.
He's off. Okay.

Speaker 2 That sounds quite political. Yeah, it is.
Yeah, yeah. Because you've had so many rats.
I've had a lot of people. People don't realize it's literal.

Speaker 2 So you get arrested for hate speech. But they're like, no, no, no, I do.
Yeah, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 I've got two cuts. I've had six rats in two days.
This is a metaphor-free poem. Absolutely.

Speaker 2 I will not touch metaphor. No.
I don't believe in it.

Speaker 2 Would you do it?

Speaker 2 I'd need writers. Yeah.
We could get a writer's room. You can't have writers, that's the whole point.
Get four of the best comedy. It's got to come from the heart.

Speaker 2 I've got a heart.

Speaker 2 Get four of the best comedy writers in the room and I'll write some of the stuff. You literally need one poetry writer to help you, and he's your best friend.

Speaker 2 You've already got the best in the biz over it. You don't just hear that.
You know I'll stitch him up. Of course you will.
He won't even know the analogies going on. Some of the similes I'll use.

Speaker 2 He'll be like, why are they all booing?

Speaker 2 Is that what they do with slam poetry? Is it the sort of... Stand-up, they'd be laughing.

Speaker 2 Is that what it's like? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I've got away with words, Diff.

Speaker 2 You have, actually. Thank you.
Okay, great.

Speaker 2 Can I write slam poetry about Garth Bale? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And consider it done. But as a slam poem got to be kind of dissing something, is that how slam poetry works? Or can it be positive and nice and warm? Or is it the subversive kind of thing?

Speaker 2 No, I think it. I mean, I'm basing this off the 90s, Dave.
Yeah. So I wanted to come up with what's happened in the scene.
Come up with a topic and then fire up Rhyme Zone on the old laptop.

Speaker 2 I think there's a lot of that going on. Yeah.
Okay. That's all right.
I can work with Rhyme Zone. And it's good, you know, in my mid-40s to be discovering new cultures and new

Speaker 2 scenes to be a part of, Dave.

Speaker 2 Well, speaking about connecting with new cultures and old cultures and your culture, Ellis, the time has come once again to see if you can connect to your fellow country people.

Speaker 2 You have 60 seconds, a limited set of questions, and one aim in mind: connection. It's time for the Cymric connection.

Speaker 2 It's another Cymru connection. Ellis thinks his tactics are sheer perfection.

Speaker 2 But his questions have one direction.

Speaker 2 Where did you go to school?

Speaker 2 Do you know Daffy Levins? No.

Speaker 2 Come on, mate. You must do no.
We've never met

Speaker 2 at all.

Speaker 2 The Cymru Connection has been beset by scandal recently. Sun Lounger Statute Gate.
Is Ellis mathematically good or bad at the Cymru Connection Gate?

Speaker 2 And last week, is Ellis offering up connections he's never actually met, Gate.

Speaker 2 And I was on Ellis' side of the gate for that. I think we all were.
We all were, to be fair, yeah. He's able to probe.

Speaker 2 But listener Peter thinks we're missing a trick by not giving Ellis's recent Quint Connect the praise it deserves. Yeah, thank you, Peter.
He writes, Dear Jive Bunny and the Master Mixer.

Speaker 2 I had that album.

Speaker 2 Cymry Connection was what hooked me to your podcast. Alas, I'm not a long-time listener.
We don't mind that. All are welcome.
Absolutely.

Speaker 2 Whilst I cannot claim to match her credentials, I fear fear maths teacher Anna's email on episode 484 missed some important angles.

Speaker 2 I do have maths A-level at grade A. Okay, ooh.
Here we go.

Speaker 2 In my opinion, Cymru connecting success in any mathematical analysis should not be measured in terms of overall win rate, but in terms of longest successive series of connections.

Speaker 2 Multiplicative probability.

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 2 Well, I know, but I'm

Speaker 2 so just carry on reading as well.

Speaker 2 It is here that Ellis's recent Quinn Connect has not received the full adulation it is due. It's like rolling five sixes in a single roll at Yahtzee.

Speaker 2 What an odd reference point, a game that I don't think anyone in this country has ever played.

Speaker 2 The odds of this are one in 7,776

Speaker 2 or 0.013%.

Speaker 2 That's solid maths.

Speaker 2 Okay, okay, John will argue there are only two possible outcomes of a Cymru connection, not six as there are on a dice roll, and so the odds of the quint connect are one in 32.

Speaker 2 But here are at least five reasons for Ellis failing to connect. His poor questioning technique, his ponderous thinking, his former confidence, his narrow demographic.
I liked Peter.

Speaker 2 What happened it? His South Walian bias.

Speaker 2 I'd accept that. I'd accept that.
So while Ellis maintains his infuriatingly lackadaisical training regimen,

Speaker 2 I implore that we hold on to the Quinn Connect in our collective narrative. Yeah, we should.

Speaker 2 I had earmarked 30 minutes to draw a map of Wales between the gym and coming in today, and then the cats brought in a rat.

Speaker 2 Why has Peter not given the appropriate stat for

Speaker 2 why is he gone yaats here not flipping a coin?

Speaker 2 He's stretching his legs

Speaker 2 creatively, I suppose. But he's given an irrelevant statistic.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but it adds a bit of

Speaker 2 flavour. A bit of colour, a bit of flair.
So while Ellis maintains his infuriatingly lackadation

Speaker 2 for come reconnecting, I implore that we hold on to the Queen Connect in our collective narrative.

Speaker 2 Every time Ellis limbers up to connect, we owe him an introduction which reminds him and us of his personal best of five successive connections.

Speaker 2 The Quinn Connect is a marvel that might never be repeated from Peter.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 I don't really understand the

Speaker 2 honesty. What it means is.

Speaker 2 I need more praise for the Quinn Connect. I'll paraphrase for you.
I'm lackadaisical. I accept that.

Speaker 2 Let's not cling on to that bit. I think we cling on to the fact that you've done something pretty blooming special over the last few weeks.
I've connected five again, fellow Welsh people.

Speaker 2 I'm a special person in a row.

Speaker 2 The script I've got in front of me is about to contradict what you've just said. Ellis has now failed to connect in the last two weeks.
After the quid connect, comes the drought.

Speaker 2 His connection rate.

Speaker 2 His connection rate has slipped to 46.7%.

Speaker 2 Can he up those stats today? We have a caller on the line from Wales. Hello? Hello.

Speaker 2 There are 60 seconds on the clock. Let's play the Cymru connection.
Ellis, your time starts now. Asian School.

Speaker 4 37, Cambria.

Speaker 2 Cambrian Camar, then?

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay, that's interesting. Do you know Robert Harris? What's for the Command Journal that wears online?

Speaker 5 I know of him.

Speaker 2 Okay, that's fine.

Speaker 2 If you went to university, where did you go? Bristwith. A Bristwith, and you're 37.
What did you study?

Speaker 4 Environmental Earth Science.

Speaker 2 Okay, let's go back to Camar then.

Speaker 2 Cambria, Cambria.

Speaker 2 Do you like football? Yeah. Did you play for Command and Town?

Speaker 2 No, I have been to to Command Town. You've been to Commander Town.
Okay, do you know Jason Davis? No. Phil Richards, my friend Phil Richards? No.
That's fine. You're 37.

Speaker 2 Which part of town did you grow up in?

Speaker 4 Nanturarian.

Speaker 2 Nanturarian. Do you know Rod Gilbert?

Speaker 4 No, I know of him.

Speaker 2 You know of him? Okay, that's fine.

Speaker 2 Do you... Cambria, 37.
That's fine.

Speaker 2 Do you know my

Speaker 2 friend Yvonne who went to Cambria? He was a little bit older than me, works in town. Did you ever go to Doctor M's?

Speaker 4 I went to Dr. M's a little bit, not often.

Speaker 2 Do you remember Gail, who used to work in Dr. M's? No, we're now in a limbo land.
The time has stopped.

Speaker 2 And we head to the beach.

Speaker 2 I've got to say,

Speaker 2 better,

Speaker 2 I thought from Ellis. There was a mix of names and questions.

Speaker 2 I don't feel you can get much closer to Ellis's demographic. This is what will be

Speaker 2 probably

Speaker 2 frustrating, Ellis, that there probably is something here we've just not quite got.

Speaker 2 You're 45.

Speaker 2 Do you know my little sister, Nia? She's effectively your age.

Speaker 4 No, I don't think so.

Speaker 2 No. Okay, she was in Brumadvin the same time as you were in Cumbria, so think again.

Speaker 2 Okay, and you don't know if Richards from Town who sports this once. Okay, that's absolutely fine.

Speaker 2 Do you still live in Kumar then?

Speaker 4 No, I live in Bristol now.

Speaker 2 Okay, that's interesting. Uh who do which football team do you support?

Speaker 4 If you suppose

Speaker 4 Spurs.

Speaker 2 Do you know my friend?

Speaker 2 Beth, pardon?

Speaker 4 I've been to Swansea Games, though. I used to go with my dad.
You used to go with your dad.

Speaker 2 You support Tottenham. Do you follow Wales at all? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay, do you do Wales away?

Speaker 4 I've been to a couple of Way matches.

Speaker 2 Which ones?

Speaker 4 I went to Belgium in 20... Was it the 2015-2016 campaign?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 And you're from Carmarthen and you're 37 and you sport Spurs.

Speaker 2 You're 37 and you spot. Do you know my friend Lear was in Brumarthin, a little bit younger than me? He actually works at the FAW, I think.

Speaker 4 Don't think so, no.

Speaker 2 No, okay, that's fine. Do you know Don Mitchell, the comedian? He's from Carmarthen.
No.

Speaker 2 Did you ever perform at the Lyric Theatre?

Speaker 4 Maybe when I was like eight.

Speaker 2 30 years ago. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, this is the Sun Lounger, of course. So just check your mouth, Dave.
No, I do not offer confidence. This is where it's relaxed.

Speaker 2 This is where everyone just relaxes. It is so relaxed.
Have you ever bought a paper from the Good News shop on Lama Street? Yeah, probably, yeah. Well, my mum worked there in the 60s.

Speaker 5 Well, my mum knows your mum, but I do know that.

Speaker 2 Does that count?

Speaker 2 Your mother knows my mother, that does mean.

Speaker 4 Yeah, they're bigger friends.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 No, well, you would need to know.

Speaker 2 I would need to know his mum. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Who's your mum?

Speaker 4 My mum's called Maureen.

Speaker 2 Maureen. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What does your mother do?

Speaker 4 She worked in student finance in the college.

Speaker 2 Oh, Trinity. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 Well, she's retired now.

Speaker 2 I will have walked past your mother.

Speaker 2 I will have literally walked past your mother's office. Sometimes it sounds quite threatening, doesn't it?

Speaker 2 No, no i mean just on the way to see my if i'd forgot my keys or something yeah i wasn't i wasn't i wasn't planning anything

Speaker 2 okay

Speaker 2 this is fine this is absolutely fine are there any connections from your side caller uh so

Speaker 4 perhaps if uh i said my my dad worked at shaguib school oh

Speaker 2 um then do you know uh martin harris i did know martin harris yeah oh what a man martin harris was Yeah.

Speaker 2 I

Speaker 2 his daughter, well, Rob Harris, who I named earlier on, actually is his son, and Sean,

Speaker 2 his daughter, is my best friend at school. So we got there.
Okay.

Speaker 2 In the end, who works at Trageb?

Speaker 4 That's my dad, Phil.

Speaker 2 Phil was.

Speaker 2 He will have taught my friend Ari, who's an actress as well. Tell me more about your dad.

Speaker 4 So he was a head of sixth floor before he retired.

Speaker 4 And he, yeah, he goes toward the Clarving Town Town Games, goes to the Wales matches, Swansea.

Speaker 2 Does your dad sit next to the bald guy at Carmarthen Town who's got a foul mouth?

Speaker 2 He might do.

Speaker 2 It's not my dad, but yeah. No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 He's called the referee some choice per se in the past.

Speaker 2 Okay. So have you, do you potentially know our caller's dad?

Speaker 2 No, I don't think so. I know people who were part of the Trageeb system, who were part of the Trageeb vibe.
But through Swansea in Wales.

Speaker 2 No, Trageb is a secondary school that's like two along in terms of from where my win is, if you're not going to be able to do it. But if his dad goes to Swansea matches and Wales matches...

Speaker 2 I would need to see your dad's face if I could positively I could. Because your child turned to the text.
Did you text

Speaker 2 our producer a photo of your dad's face?

Speaker 4 I could too, yeah. I don't think, I think my dad would save the UU.

Speaker 2 You work for the Environment Agency, do you?

Speaker 4 Oh, no, no, I don't. Yeah, I work for a company that does environmental health now, but more in sales than

Speaker 2 anything else.

Speaker 2 Don't know what that is, so I'm going to move on. What's your name, mate?

Speaker 4 John.

Speaker 2 Thank you very much, John. John,

Speaker 2 we

Speaker 2 it doesn't feel like a success, but it is in my mind. If it was Ellis Wins again, I'd put that in the win column because I've managed to connect with someone from Carmarthen.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, you'd get massive opposition to that from me and Dave. It's a huge loss.
It makes me feel good. I didn't do it in 16.
The connection is you know, Sean, who was taught by the caller's dad.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. Sean's father worked at Trake, so he will know

Speaker 2 the caller's father.

Speaker 2 I know, I know, I know Martin, I know he knew Martin as well. Yeah, we both knew Martin.
So we both knew Martin. So that's all right.
That's all right. That's all right.
That's right.

Speaker 2 Don't you take that away from me? Because honestly, I'll pull your trousers down and put it online.

Speaker 2 Well, thank you very much for calling, John.

Speaker 2 John, do you have children?

Speaker 4 I do, yeah.

Speaker 2 Have you kept the name alive?

Speaker 2 No, no, I'm not sure. I just saw another name.
John.

Speaker 2 Thank you, John. Thank you.
Cheers, me. Thank you.
Bye-bye. Bye.

Speaker 2 Okay, an odd atmosphere. Yeah, it's a tricky one because

Speaker 2 it felt like rich pickings from the type of demographic, but sometimes it's just not there.

Speaker 2 Don't feel, you should feel really proud of yourself, actually,

Speaker 2 as a person, as a father, as a broadcaster. I'm a good guy.

Speaker 2 I'm a good guy, and I have value. You do.
And there was a connection there. There was a connection there eventually.
I got there in the end. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's just, I would love a hundred percent record, not just for me, but for my country, Dave. That's gone.
We need to let that go. Yeah, I know that's gone.

Speaker 2 You went to Aberyswith and you came straight back home.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 The environment for me is a black spot.

Speaker 2 But that's fine. But anyway, more of that next week.
Thank you. I can't help but think, but my searing slam poem set us off askew at the start of the show.
It's an odd feeling in the studio. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Just got two text messages from Izzy. I've lost the car.
No, I found it again.

Speaker 2 Oh, dear.

Speaker 2 Wow. It's a roller coaster.
It is a constant roller coaster. You never know what's around the corner.
Where was it?

Speaker 2 Like further down the street. Okay.
Yeah, yeah. There was a van in front of our house today, so I had to park further down the street.
Okay. But she's

Speaker 2 thrown everything off. She's found it.
She's found it. She's found it.

Speaker 2 Well, we've got a very special guest coming up, and we're all plucking our nose hairs and applying product to our hair, deodorizing,

Speaker 2 cleansing with disinfectant wipes. On my birthday, I shaved my shoulders and what a difference it's made.

Speaker 2 Interesting.

Speaker 2 I wish I'd been doing that for a long time.

Speaker 2 It looks so much better, Dave. It will come back stubbly and probably thicker as long as you're happy with that.
Yeah, I've committed myself now. Yeah, you're in.
I'm a shoulder shaver for life.

Speaker 2 Was it bad? Was it, I mean, not that it was not. No, that was the thing.
It's not like, I'm not like one of those incredibly hairy blocks. And it's just...
like Ronnie O'Sullivan.

Speaker 2 I'm not Ronnie O'Sullivan, and it's not just a sign of my virility and masculinity. It was wispy.
Yes, yes. So it's not like you've just got a bald patch at the top of a very hairy back.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 So I had a hairless back,

Speaker 2 but

Speaker 2 wisps on the shoulders, and I got rid of them, and I look a million dollars.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's nice. Well done.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll do a photo if you're like, please do.

Speaker 2 Well, I'm.

Speaker 2 That's the face of someone who's wondering whether he should say what

Speaker 2 he's thinking next.

Speaker 2 What have you shaved?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Is it for the podcast? Is it for the podcast?

Speaker 2 Is the question, or is it for the old private life?

Speaker 2 It's a question we often ask ourselves. Yes, we do.

Speaker 2 What do you think? I mean, I'd love to hear whatever you're about to say, of course. I mean, we could always edit it out.
Snip, snip, snip.

Speaker 2 but I am curious what have you shaved you shaved no I haven't shaved anything okay I've stopped trying to it's a nightmare you can't get clippers that don't nick

Speaker 2 one in six attempts waste of time waste of time

Speaker 2 no I will we will we will pause put a pop a pin in that okay thenceforth send me a whatsapp

Speaker 2 no picture

Speaker 2 same for the patreon

Speaker 2 for the patreon but

Speaker 2 the reason we're talking about improving ourselves is because in front of our next guests, we look like withered old corpses. Yes, cadavers.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and looking forward to feeling like an exhumed mummy next to one of the most beautiful things in the world. And he's here next, isn't he? Yeah.
Great.

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Speaker 2 Let me paint a picture in your mind, one of the country's great galleries, one of its its most revered collections of masterpieces.

Speaker 2 Members of the public flock to gaze on some of the most talented painters in the history of the Renaissance.

Speaker 2 But all eyes

Speaker 2 turn away from the pictures to see the true beauty in the room

Speaker 2 as a man sits looking westward. with a faraway cheeky grin in his eyes.

Speaker 2 That man is Greg James. And the picture I've just painted is the front cover of his new book, All the Best for the Future.
I'm delighted to say that in the studio is one of,

Speaker 2 if not the, most handsome men on earth. Greg,

Speaker 2 is this book full of tips for how to look like you? How to smell like you? How to have hair like you? He does smell nice. He does smell nice.
His hair is good.

Speaker 2 Am I going to to look prettier reading this book? You'll look prettier holding it.

Speaker 2 Because you will be in my hand. Yeah, and yes.
And you are the world's most handsome man. Well, that is

Speaker 2 a ludicrous thing to say. And actually, is one of the things I wanted to bring up.
Well, you're part of the conversation. Greg.
Well, I'm part of your conversation. Okay.

Speaker 2 I'm part of this conversation because lots of people send me these conversations.

Speaker 2 You look like if we put Ellis through one of those apps.

Speaker 2 Thank you. Is that all right, Al?

Speaker 2 I'm confident enough to roll with it, but deep down, no. Dave, for the carousel, can we have a split screen of Ellis

Speaker 2 on the left? Greg on the right, and then the face swap logo. No, because I had a Chinese last night in the late night, so I've looked better.
You still look great. You do look great.

Speaker 2 You're a nine and a half out of ten. Yeah.
It's just that Greg's a billion out of ten. Yes.
But it is nice to see the apt version of this stuff

Speaker 2 live.

Speaker 2 What's your book about?

Speaker 2 There are tips. Are there? There are some tips.
There's a couple of hair tips. What are the hair tips? Well, the hair tips are that you're never happy with your hair.
And I think we need to be

Speaker 2 okay and open with that discussion.

Speaker 2 It's not that hard to believe coming from a man who looks half like he's just stepped off a beach in Thailand and half like he's just come out of Vidal Sassoon's expertise workshop. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 it takes a lot of work.

Speaker 2 Some would say too much.

Speaker 2 But I think it's

Speaker 2 a great lesson for life that you think you've just got your hair sorted and then suddenly the rug is pulled from beneath you or sometimes the rug is kneaded on top beneath you and that's you having a bad hair day.

Speaker 2 Because don't Ellis and Greg have similar hair days? Well they do actually, yeah. Yeah.
I didn't want to make it entirely about hair this chat, but it is a similar... Yeah.

Speaker 2 think i think we're plowing a similar furrow yeah it's a i think it's a good furrow i think so too it is weirdly quite low maintenance john is it yeah

Speaker 2 yeah i don't do anything to mine no i just wash it every day and that's that every day yeah i know i know greg i guarantee you don't wash your hair every day absolutely not so how often do you wash your hair well i've actually had this discussion on a pandemic episode of tail enders we run out of things to talk about and there was no cricket and i'm sure you feel you've had those episodes as well in fact i've listened to a lot of your episodes during the pandemic.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 so Felix White, he says that he doesn't, he washes his hair with two days to go before the event he needs his hair to look good at. Yes, would agree.

Speaker 2 I would maybe go three, but yeah. Really? Yeah.
Depends on the coarsity of your hair. Okay.
But yeah, I'd say I did mine two.

Speaker 2 I did mine two days ago because I know I was hanging out with you three.

Speaker 2 So you want us to fall in love with you. And you've succeeded.
Well, I've been listening, so it seems like that's already happened. It has.
Yeah, it does. Do then get it wet in the shower?

Speaker 2 Inevitably, it's going to get moist.

Speaker 2 Isn't it? Yeah. Because also my head's quite near the

Speaker 2 nozzle because I'm high up. But you're wearing a shower cap in these instances.
I'm not wearing a shower cap, but maybe I should.

Speaker 2 Big Johnny over your head.

Speaker 2 Do you wear Johnnies on your head? Not on my head. No, maybe on the head.
But I'm not going to be in the shower.

Speaker 2 Greg, I've checked the acknowledgements. You said you listened to Ellis and I a lot during the pandemic.
I'm sure we helped get you through that difficult time.

Speaker 2 You've thanked the Chuckle Brothers twice and not us. Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
But I know the Chuckle Brothers were an inspiration.

Speaker 2 How did they sow the seed that turned into the acorn, which is also a seed, which turned into the oak I see before me right now? Right.

Speaker 2 The Chuckle Brothers... I guess were part of your lives too.
Yeah, big time. Absolutely.
Can we just do a quick age around the room, Dave? 41 and yes, Sean? 43. 43.
45. right?

Speaker 2 So, definitely Chuckle Brothers territory.

Speaker 2 How old are you? 39. Yeah.
Chuckle Brothers filmed an episode at Bramall Hall from where I live in Bramall, and it was when they were chasing big concrete balls down a hill. Do you remember that one?

Speaker 2 I think that's every episode. Yeah,

Speaker 2 that feels like most episodes. Someone actually in an interview said, What was your favorite Chuckle Brother episode? A Chuckle Vision episode.
I went,

Speaker 2 the one where his foot was in a bucket. Yeah.

Speaker 2 The ladder fell over. Of course, yeah, yeah.
So when I was 10, I met them at Weymouth Pavilion with my nan. We went to go and see, I think, a summer season show of this.

Speaker 2 And he, well, Paul and Barry, rest in peace, Barry, they wrote all the best for the future on a photograph for me.

Speaker 2 And it's always been quite a funny thing to remember that they wrote, why did they write that?

Speaker 2 And I quite liked the idea of calling the book that, because it's sort of a love letter to our older selves and our younger selves. And I was thinking at age 10, that was

Speaker 2 the first touch point of show business. Yes.
And I just sort of loved, I just loved that and thought, oh my God, that's a job you can do. And I loved just other chocolate's ever since.

Speaker 2 And that was formative because it's silly, slapstick stuff. Yeah, I guess.
I used to get like rugby players and footballers' autographs when I was sort of seven or eight.

Speaker 2 And they would always be very formal. It was always all the best or best wishes.

Speaker 2 Well, I got Brian May signed an envelope for me when I was 14 that said, all the best, play good.

Speaker 2 That's nice. So should I call my autobiography autobiography that?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Because

Speaker 2 it's just been signed off. So it would be

Speaker 2 quite a problem if I had to change the title. Also, quite a confusing title, given what the subject matter is about.
It doesn't quite. Does it align? Hmm.
Good point.

Speaker 2 All the best, play good.

Speaker 2 12 drinks that changed my life.

Speaker 2 I can't see it, Dave, unless we did a split cover. But you could do what I've done there, which is all the best for the future, and then growing up without growing old.

Speaker 2 And at the bottom, you could just say, all the best, play good. Yeah.

Speaker 2 They always want this little tagline, don't they? Yeah. It's like impossible to publish a memoir unless you're directly telling the reader what it is about in the title.

Speaker 2 Did you approach yours as an actual autobiography memoir? Because that's not that.

Speaker 2 I was worried about an autobiography.

Speaker 2 Mine

Speaker 2 is

Speaker 2 different to this. Yep.

Speaker 2 Less Chuckle Brothers, though I still thank them in the acknowledgements, of course, because they're part of the cultural conversation. Absolutely.

Speaker 2 It's heavy in places. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But life is. I use asterisks to interrupt the heaviness when I can't think of a joke.
But this gets heavy as well. Do you have to do that? You don't use asterisks.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yes, they're very helpful, aren't they? And lots of parentheses. Yes.
Oh, lovely. Any footnotes?

Speaker 2 Well, when it gets too sad,

Speaker 2 because I was writing about my dad's depression and things and how that weighed heavy on, I didn't realize sort of on my childhood, you have to immediately write the sad bit, then do a penis joke.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Yes, of course. So, Greg, I've got any tips for recording the audiobook, because I'm sure the audiobook is, you know, as in demand as the book, because people love to listen.
My beautiful voice.

Speaker 2 Thank you. I loved doing the audiobook.
Take your time.

Speaker 2 Add a couple of little extra bits, you know, for the podcast listeners yeah yeah make it more of a show yeah yeah i'd say really more yeah a bit more if you if you trip over a bit or you you know you could you'll you'll you'll naturally i think do a joke about the asterisks okay i think so you i would go heavy on the asterisks south african accent

Speaker 2 so you want to

Speaker 2 what for asterix no just the whole i think it just means the whole

Speaker 2 voice often well you could i mean you could be the first person to do all the different language editions yourself

Speaker 2 but just accent not language. Yeah,

Speaker 2 yeah, yeah, yeah. Just so they sort of get it.
The world's most offensive audiobook.

Speaker 2 Because they're like 230 countries, 207 countries, or something.

Speaker 2 You could make the sad bits sadder. I could be crying out.

Speaker 2 Or

Speaker 2 a solid audiobook. You could play some sad music over those bits.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Talk to me about the Times bestseller charts. Oh, yeah.
How much did it cost you?

Speaker 2 Well, let me tell you this. It costs a lot to buy 6,000 books.
It does.

Speaker 2 It's the real cost.

Speaker 2 Congratulations, by the way. That's no small feat in this day and age of cookery books.
And the extreme right.

Speaker 2 Well, this book is actually

Speaker 2 a manifesto. No, no, it's the opposite.
No, it's the opposite of

Speaker 2 woke is dead.

Speaker 2 It's woke is alive and well and

Speaker 2 the answer to the question Keir Starmer's Too Afraid to Ask, which is

Speaker 2 how

Speaker 2 do I sort it all out?

Speaker 2 Yes, that is. That's that's and that's the same for any prime minister.

Speaker 2 Oh, because they're all asking that. There must be a part on there, must be a time on day one.
There's a new prime minister when you think, oh my god, oh, yeah, I'm the boss. What's the Wi-Fi password

Speaker 2 at Stoning Street Guest? Yeah,

Speaker 2 That's devastating, isn't it? If you're still on the guest,

Speaker 2 then you're hi-fi. Trust would have been on the guest.
Things can only get better 2025.

Speaker 2 All lowercase on the guest. Trust on the guest, definitely.
Yeah, I'd say.

Speaker 2 Great. All right, then.
So we'll play a fun made-up game with you, Greg, if that's okay. I'd love that.
All three of you are in play.

Speaker 2 We have jingles sent in by listeners. I really love the sorry.
I love the phrase in play, and it caught me off guard. I do love in-play.

Speaker 2 Will this count towards the start? I'll get to that.

Speaker 2 It's your choice. And if you two can't agree, it'll be Greg's choice.
So we'll get to the scoring in a bit. But first of all, let's treat ourselves.

Speaker 2 We're going to stick with Ben, who goes under Ben Kio as the artist's name, who sent in a jingle for Made Up Games a couple of weeks ago. And here's how it sounds:

Speaker 2 I've been seized by a question. Oh, what if the life

Speaker 2 that we're living in is just another

Speaker 2 made-up game?

Speaker 2 It's made of tongues

Speaker 2 that we're speaking, I made up love

Speaker 2 that we're seeking, I made up podcasts that we're listening to.

Speaker 2 Oh, come on then,

Speaker 2 If it's all made up, then I wanna play another

Speaker 2 made-up game.

Speaker 2 Wow. What do you think of that, Greg? I think it's fantastic.
It's amazing, isn't it? Yeah, but it's high-level stuff.

Speaker 2 It's actually over-delivered.

Speaker 2 He's ruined it for everyone else. It's way too good.
Under-promised and over-delivered.

Speaker 2 The listeners never cease to amaze us. Yes, great, isn't it? Yeah.
Great.

Speaker 2 Well, today's made-up game, as Greg is with us today, we thought we'd play an old made-up game that puts radio credentials to the test.

Speaker 2 So, this is a game that we called, or we are calling, Music Station Guestimation.

Speaker 2 The game originally came in from Michael Casey, who found himself wondering at how varied the output of the nation's radio stations really is.

Speaker 2 Now, we've got a spreadsheet here containing all the tracks played on a variety of radio stations across a single 24-hour period.

Speaker 2 To be precise, it's Wednesday the 29th of October 2025. Bad day for music.
Bad day for music. So not that long ago.

Speaker 2 The stations in play this round or for this game are going to be Capital, Absolute 90s, Radio 2, Smooth, and of course the home of Greg James, Radio 1.

Speaker 2 Sorry, it's gold, not smooth. Oh, did we switch it up? Huge.

Speaker 2 Huge last-minute change. Gold and smooth.
But as we get to each round,

Speaker 2 we will obviously name the station. I will name a radio station.
Ellis, John, and Greg must guess an artist played on that station on the chosen day.

Speaker 2 The more that artist was played within that 24-hour period, the more points you accrue.

Speaker 2 For example, Magic, not included in the game today. If John had guessed Queen, he would receive three points as Queen featured three times that day on that station.
All right?

Speaker 2 And I would have guessed Queen. You would have gone for Queen for Magic, I think.
It's not as probably as sensible a guess for some of the stations that we will be doing today. What are the stations?

Speaker 2 Well, we'll

Speaker 2 go through each round.

Speaker 2 And will you tell me what sort of music they play? I'll give you a pre-see of the station. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay?

Speaker 2 I don't think you should. I don't think that's fair.
Really? The guy works in radio and he doesn't listen to radio. I work in podcasts, but the podcasts are so good, the nation wants them broadcasted.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 If an artist is featured. Oh, yeah, that was it.
You just worked in radio for 10 years. And then music in in between the links.

Speaker 2 If you weren't very good on XFM back in the day. I know, but I didn't listen to any of the music, did I? No, you hated the music awful.
Do you miss doing this live?

Speaker 2 I do miss doing radio, actually. Yeah, I used to love doing radio.
And doing music radio, to be fair. Yeah.
It's good. Just whack on the long version of that song by the

Speaker 2 name one band. Golden...

Speaker 2 Roses. Stone Roses.

Speaker 2 The Golden Roses had a song called I am Resurrection that was one of the noted to go to the toilet and smoke it. Yeah, you could go and have a fucking right.

Speaker 2 Okay, they were good days.

Speaker 2 A little side note: if an artist in the shape of his life,

Speaker 2 if an artist is featured like a collab, I think the kids call it, don't they, Greg? Yeah, yeah. Do they call it that anymore? Some do, some don't.

Speaker 2 That is also featured in the tally. Yeah.
Just so you're all right. They write an X, Dave.

Speaker 2 Yes, Dave. So it might be Greg James' ex-John Robbins.
Yes.

Speaker 2 The lovemaking hour.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 you write down your chosen artist. Is that our breakdown?

Speaker 2 Well, 55 minutes of foreplay

Speaker 2 and then news and sport.

Speaker 2 Start the news bed. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then, yeah, the person with the most points at the end of the game is the winner. Yep.

Speaker 2 Oh, there is a bonus point up for grabs for the winner or winners of each round, if you join, if you can then name one of the songs from that chosen artist. Okay, that just plays into my hands.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it does, actually. Now, in terms of those point scoring that you were asking about earlier, Ellis,

Speaker 2 what we can either do is have, because obviously all three of you in play, the winner out of you two could be the winner of the game in terms of the points. Or I could just treat this as an exercise.

Speaker 2 I think if Ellis wins, he

Speaker 2 gets a point in our game. If I win, I do.
If neither of us do, neither of us do. Okay.
It's a let. It's a let.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Good.

Speaker 2 It's currently Juice, by the way. Last minute.
Fantastic. It's been since March.

Speaker 2 What's the overall score, Dave? It was an early idea, Greg. Overall, what is the score?

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 John's leading one loving set,

Speaker 2 and it's two loving games in the second set, and we're currently at Juice in the third game. We've been at Juice for quite a while.
But did it go to a tie break to get the first set? Or did you

Speaker 2 get going?

Speaker 2 No, you just won that fair

Speaker 2 game. Two fair games.

Speaker 2 But we have been in deuce since at least the summer. Yeah.
I mean,

Speaker 2 it is an odd scoring system that we probably should have thought through further. You don't need to think it through.
We're in now. Okay, we're in.

Speaker 2 So here we go. I'm going to try and make sure no one's looking at my screen, you see.
I'm not looking.

Speaker 2 Okay, so round number one, I've got a little bit of music for each one, just to add a bit of colour.

Speaker 2 So round one, the station is BBC Radio 2.

Speaker 2 Lovely.

Speaker 2 This is actually quite warm.

Speaker 2 There's a warmth to Radio 2. Sounds like they're travel music.
Yeah. Do you want any sort of information on what Radio 2 play, or are we just going to go in off the street?

Speaker 2 I think we've just got to go in. Great, okay.
So

Speaker 2 name an artist. Now, of course, the date was the 29th of October.

Speaker 2 So name any artist that you think will have had the most plays across that 24-hour period. Yeah, okay.

Speaker 2 Trickier one than I think you'd think. Yeah, because it's Radio 2.
All over the place. It's all over the place.
Yeah, it is. In a good way.
It's not my words, the words of Greg James.

Speaker 2 That's their mission statement, isn't it? That's their tagline. Yeah, Radio 2.
All over the place.

Speaker 2 All over the time.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Tricky to nail down. Yeah, it is tricky.
I've already changed my mind once. I might change my mind.

Speaker 2 Great. Well, here we go.
So let's go around and we'll start, Ellis, with you for this round. Who do you think is getting a lot of spins on Radio 2 the fall

Speaker 2 I'm joking

Speaker 2 Ed Sheeran yeah that probably is the safest bet do you think okay well Sheeran is in I don't think there is a I'm not sure there is a properly safe bet for two

Speaker 2 to be honest Greg we'll come to you next please so there's been a huge concerted effort to make everyone aware of Brandy Carlyle.

Speaker 2 This is good industry Goss now as well. Well, it's only because I just keep seeing Brandy Carlyle popping up.
Which is country music. Because country and Radio 2 loves country.
They do.

Speaker 2 And I think she was maybe on a lineup for Two in the Park.

Speaker 2 Interesting. And I think that they will have weighted the playlist in favour of the artist that's hopped.
It's the Carlyle agenda.

Speaker 2 Well, this might also be wrong, but I sort of always remember hearing it in the office because obviously we share a floor. I remember hearing them always say, Brandy Carlisle.
It's Brandy Carlyle.

Speaker 2 I've got to get Brandy Carlyle. Brandy Carlisle.
That was Brandy Carlisle. That was in a theatrical production by Rhubarb.
Yeah, but they actually are saying Brandy Carlisle.

Speaker 2 So, John, we've got Ed Scheer and Brandy Carlisle. I've said cold play, Dave.
Okay. That's a good shout.

Speaker 2 I don't think that's a bad shout.

Speaker 2 Interestingly, none of those answers are in the top answers for Radio 2 at the minute. Not even the Carlyle agenda.
The top answers, mad.

Speaker 2 Well, not mad, just surprising, but it's obviously Delian who's releasing tracks. No, and maybe this week that might have been quite good, but I think you're maybe a week earlier to get some property.

Speaker 2 He's actually head of the Zeitgeist again. Yeah.
Could it be Swifty?

Speaker 2 Swift. Swift isn't.
Swift isn't there either.

Speaker 2 And it's quite a low count. The top artists played in this 24-hour period is the Charlatans.

Speaker 2 I'm surprised. I'm surprised.
I'm surprised. But they do like a bit of rock.
They did a session. They did a session.
Excuse it.

Speaker 2 Excuse it. We're not accepting live tracks in this, are we, Debbie? So what are the scores? So the scores are...
So Ed Sheeran got two.

Speaker 2 Randy Carlisle got two. Oh, okay.
John Coldplay got one.

Speaker 2 So you get one point. You get one point.
Now, we've got two frontrunners there, so you can have a guess now at a track that was played across that 24-hour period to get a bonus point, both of you.

Speaker 2 Not a Randy Carlisle track. Yes.
I don't know. I don't know anything.

Speaker 2 Because I haven't succumbed to the conspiracy.

Speaker 2 Have a guess. Love.

Speaker 2 I mean, your points are safe. Love hearts.
Lovehearts. Okay, Love Hearts is

Speaker 2 on the line. No, that's your guess, Greg.
It's gone. Lovers with an open heart.
Galway girl. Galway girl.
It's Galway Girl.

Speaker 2 I think Castle on the Hill is not the other one. That's another old one.

Speaker 2 I reckon I could get this.

Speaker 2 Go on then. For no points, but because neither of you have got the bonus point there, what would have been an Ed Sheeran song, Greg? I think camera's been on.
Camera. No.
Can't say tricky game.

Speaker 2 Anyway, so we'll go on. At the minute.
She's got a camera. Yeah, at the minute.
I think it is about

Speaker 2 him not having a phone. I should just take

Speaker 2 it. I think.
Might be wrong.

Speaker 2 It's 2-2-1.

Speaker 2 Round two.

Speaker 2 Interesting.

Speaker 2 Now, weirdly, there won't be as much familiarity for the station, especially for two people around the table. But I think maybe the answers are still a little bit more obvious.
It's capital. Okay.

Speaker 2 So we've got capital.

Speaker 2 There is a strap line, but we're not taking it. I'm going to give you the strap line.
It's the UK's number one hit music station for crying out loud. Very true.

Speaker 2 I've heard of it. You've heard of it.

Speaker 2 I've never heard it. No.

Speaker 2 Greg, we'll come to you first.

Speaker 2 For.

Speaker 2 I'm only sure not going to see what's going on here. The most played track on October the 29th on Capital.
Oh, sorry, most played artist, I should say. We're not worried about the tracks, John.

Speaker 2 Most played artists. Yeah.
Have you both written down your answers? Greg, Greg? I've gone for Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift, John.
Taylor Swift. Ellis.
Taylor Swift. You've gone for Taylor.
Taylor Swift.

Speaker 2 You all earn yourself, but this is mad. 25 points.
You're out of your mind. That's extraordinary.

Speaker 2 That's more ordinary. In a day, it's more than one an hour.

Speaker 2 That's an hour of Taylor Swift. That's more than that.
That's two hours. Someone does that they left the album on.
No,

Speaker 2 this is how they roll. That's more than X used to play Oasis when we were on.
Why is she getting 30 quid a song?

Speaker 2 Oh, I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't think she cares. No, but just, I mean, that's insane.
I think it's a bit more than that. That's funny.
You've all got the top of the bottom. One of us hadn't chosen Taylor Swift.

Speaker 2 We'd be out of the game.

Speaker 2 You would be out of the game. There are other what, I mean, it's not the only artists that have big, big, big, big rotations on Capitol.
Sabrina Carpenter, for instance, got 21 plays across the day.

Speaker 2 Ed Sheeran's up there with 19. But you're all in play for the bonus point.
25. 25.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 John. Oh, are you mad? All right.

Speaker 2 Oh, I don't know. You could name a Swift song.
Come on, you've got a Swift song. What song?

Speaker 2 Surely.

Speaker 2 The one she did with Bonnie Ver. Oh, it's a great track.
So that's my one, please. And that's a thumbs down from Michael.
Is it normal? They're not playing that. It's a great song.

Speaker 2 It's too slow.

Speaker 2 Ellis,

Speaker 2 shake it off. Shake it off.
Oh, I should have said. See, I was going to go for that, but I might.
It's a thumbs down. Oh, well, obviously stuff off the new album.

Speaker 2 I think

Speaker 2 it's the fate of Ophelia. It is the fate of Ophelia.
Of course, it is. So Greg gets an extra points.
We get 26. Yeah.
So, cumulatively, Ellis, you're on 25. John's on 26.
Greg's on 28.

Speaker 2 That's the other way around. Yeah, I'm on 26.
Sorry, and that is what Michael wrote down, the producer. Sorry, Michael.
You're absolutely.

Speaker 2 Ellis 27, John 26.

Speaker 2 Greg, 28. As we move to Absolute 90s.

Speaker 2 So a little bit more, I suppose, specificity for this one.

Speaker 2 It's got to have come from the 90s.

Speaker 2 And you can probably have a guess at what type of music because it's an absolute radio station. Have you all got an answer, though? Yeah.
Okay. I haven't, but I will quickly.

Speaker 2 well john we'll come to you first

Speaker 2 oasis john's gone oasis ellis oasis oasis i'm afraid it's oasis i think it has a problem with the game no it's all right i have no problem with the game but also we are tapped in they're a joint top actually the other one was james no what yeah

Speaker 2 interesting how many times were james played on well six oh because we've got it down to kind of sensible numbers you've got a couple of sit-downs in there you've got a couple of sit-downs a couple of some

Speaker 2 sometimes it's the little forgotten

Speaker 2 absolutely but oasis are up there with six so you're all uh you're all getting the top answer uh we now need a track now bear in mind only six times they've been played so an oasis have a lot of hits so it's whether or not you can get the right hit john we will come to you first

Speaker 2 uh

Speaker 2 look back in anger don't look back in anger

Speaker 2 of course look back in anger or don't see you

Speaker 2 It wasn't one of the six players. I was going to say a different one and I changed my mind.
Which one were you? No, wait. No, no, wait.
Because Ellis. Live forever.
Live forever. Is in.
Greg.

Speaker 2 I think you've got to go for Wonder Wall. Wonder Wall.
It's my other choice.

Speaker 2 I was going to go Slide Away. Slideaway will have absolutely been in.
No! That's huge. What are they playing?

Speaker 2 Not acquiesce or anything, is it? Half the World Away, Live Forever, Roll With It. Shaker Maker.
She's electric. What's the story?

Speaker 2 It It was a good day.

Speaker 2 That was a good day. That's a good day.
That was good. The scores on the doors are now...
Shame. Ellis on 34, John on 32, Greg on 34.

Speaker 2 Is Radio 3 going to be on any chance? No. Okay.

Speaker 2 You can get that. Next station,

Speaker 2 Gold.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I've not listened to Gold for...

Speaker 2 I have not listened to Gold since I was in my friend's, my dad's friend's car in about 1988. I feel similar.

Speaker 2 It was the Beach Boys and it was on medium wave.

Speaker 2 Well, the thing, yeah, the thing I'll say about gold is, even though this was taken from the 29th of October, it's probably the station that matters the least about what day of the week this was taken from.

Speaker 2 Because they just play all the gold and oldies,

Speaker 2 don't they? So they're not going to suddenly have a Taylor Swift live session.

Speaker 2 Let's have a think about what you think might be on gold.

Speaker 2 Level pegging between this is a big moment in the game, actually. Two James's drawing.
And Ellis we're back to you first.

Speaker 2 Queen.

Speaker 2 Sorry. Are you in, Greg? You said no.

Speaker 2 But I've changed my mind three times. Okay.
I'm going to stick with that. It was the first one that came to mind.
Okay.

Speaker 2 What have you got for Greg?

Speaker 2 The

Speaker 2 or just Rolling Stones. Right.
Okay, yeah. I've also gone queen.
Also gone queen. Okay, here we go.
Here we go.

Speaker 2 Wow. Okay, so two queens,

Speaker 2 seven plays. The Rolling Stones, seven plays.
That's great for the game. That's great.
Great for the game.

Speaker 2 So good for the game. The top answer.
Elton John was going to be my other guest. Elton John was up there for seven as well.
Beatles? The Beatles. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I wish I thought you'd have gone for Ellis. I don't know where I stand with gold.

Speaker 2 So I don't know if the Beatles were slick too old because they're a 60s band, obviously.

Speaker 6 So it's seven all.

Speaker 2 So it's a joint win again.

Speaker 2 John, name a... Ellis, name a track, please.
Bohemian Rhapsody. Bohemian Rhapsody for a bonus point in the fourth round is a thumbs down.

Speaker 2 Greg, name a track for Rolling Stones

Speaker 2 to get the bonus point and actually lead the game now that Ellis

Speaker 2 hasn't grabbed that one. So this would put you in a lead.

Speaker 2 Great to see somebody else cracking under the pressure.

Speaker 2 Never seen this before.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 Is this how it looks? No wonder John's always got a smirk. I'm smirking.
I never smirk.

Speaker 2 This is good.

Speaker 2 It's tricky on me. I don't think Greg knows any of it.
I can't think of a single wrong son song. I couldn't satisfaction as well.
Oh, satisfaction, yeah, but I can't. It's two.
I can't. No.

Speaker 2 No, neither of them. John? Queen.

Speaker 2 A kind of magic. A kind of magic for a bonus point.
It's it.

Speaker 2 Hello. It's their most played song on gold.
So Ellis is on 41. John's on 40.
Greg's on 41.

Speaker 2 So we go into the thing,

Speaker 2 it's great.

Speaker 2 Unfortunately, we end on Radio 1. Ah, no.

Speaker 2 Actually,

Speaker 2 it's for me to lose this, isn't it? It kind of is, Greg.

Speaker 2 Scribble down your answers.

Speaker 2 So Brundy Carlisle is a radio two things, is it? Okay, yeah.

Speaker 2 The most played artists on Radio 1, which of course is for the youth of today. Okay, I think I've got it.
Okay. And we'll start with you, Greg.
I've gone for Sabrina Carpenter. Oh, that's it.

Speaker 2 Sabrina Carpenter is locked in.

Speaker 2 You can have the same, Alice. I mean, you can, but.
Oh, but I'd written down something different, so that would be bad.

Speaker 2 But I should have thought of her. John.
I've gone Taylor Swift again. He's gone Swift.

Speaker 2 I've gone Swift.

Speaker 2 She's gone Swift as well. This is interesting.
Considered

Speaker 2 a Rodders and Olivia Rodriguez, but she hasn't got... Rodders is good.
Rodders is high up, but she hasn't got any new stuff out. None of them quite make the top list that I have here.

Speaker 2 Is it Dance or Dancey? Who's Al Pablo?

Speaker 2 El Pablo. That's a restaurant.

Speaker 2 I don't think El Pablo's.

Speaker 2 There's an El Pablo that's apparently got 14 plays on Radio 1. No, I've never heard of El Pablo.

Speaker 2 Is that End Greg? Is that a Taylor Swift song?

Speaker 2 I think there's been a mix. El Pablo brings you 30 minutes of his signature style and sound on the drum and bass.

Speaker 2 Are you looking at the Radio One Dance stream? No, this is out. Can I ask

Speaker 2 what the other artists were?

Speaker 2 So the big ones on the list were Louis Tomlinson with eight plays. He's in the live lounge.
He's in the live lounge. Harry Stiles is in there for six.
Of course. Ray.

Speaker 2 Ray, of course. Oh, of course.
Demi Lovato, Tame In Parlour. That's a good mix.
Tame in Parlour on 81. And I knew that.

Speaker 2 Are they very old? It's a great station. Tame in Parlour is.
It's a great list.

Speaker 2 They've been around ages. Yeah, they've been around since 2015, I think.
We've got a good new song called Dracula.

Speaker 2 They're great. Very good.

Speaker 2 And then you start to drop down. You've all got four plays.
So Taylor Swift's got four across my brows, and Sabrina Carpenter has four for the game.

Speaker 2 Wow. Now,

Speaker 2 Ellis,

Speaker 2 you're on 45. John's on 44.
Greg's on 45. It's tight at the top.

Speaker 2 Greg, you need to name

Speaker 2 a Sabrina Carpenter track at this stage. Now that it's only been played four times, so it might not be as obvious as we think.
No tears. No tears.
He's in. Very little hesitation.
It's called Tears.

Speaker 2 It's called Tears. I think we'll...
That's okay. Because John thought it was look back in anger.
So it's fine as a first.

Speaker 2 It's tears or no tears. Yes, there we go.
John

Speaker 2 Swift again. Well, I hate to repeat an answer, but the one that was mentioned earlier.

Speaker 2 What is that?

Speaker 2 Ah, concerning our great bard's Muse Ophelia.

Speaker 2 Yes. Yes.

Speaker 2 Legend or story thereof,

Speaker 2 Millud.

Speaker 2 And no further questions thenceforth.

Speaker 2 The ballad and legend and story and fine tale of Ophelia and the fate of

Speaker 2 fate.

Speaker 2 It's a thumbs up for the fate of Ophelia.

Speaker 2 Ellis.

Speaker 2 I'd written Ophelia down. Oh.
Ophelia also gets the point. It's not the title of the track, though, is it? You said Ophelia, and then he helped you to get to the fate of.

Speaker 2 I think we need to be a little bit harsher here, Dave. Because I was going to say farewell to Ophelia, but then thought I'd...
I thought I'd play it safe. I knew there was an Ophelia in the title.

Speaker 2 I've not heard the record. And if John is willing to claim claim with a clear conscience that he knew that song was called The Fate of Ophelia,

Speaker 2 he is poison. That puts me in mind of one Hamlet.

Speaker 2 Revised by the great bard. He is a toxic man.

Speaker 2 If he is willing with clear conscience to claim that he knew that song was called The Fate of Ophelia,

Speaker 2 he is poison. And I want him out of the studio.

Speaker 2 We're giving you the point, L. Thank you.
Which takes it to 46 to Ellis 45 for John and 46 for Greg. This is massive.
So we've got a draw at the top of the game. Oh my gosh.

Speaker 2 We've not got a tiebreak because no one really saw this coming. All right, cool.

Speaker 2 Do we just take the draw and Ellis wins for the points? Or do we need to some way...

Speaker 2 I'm not sure. We do need to kind of pick a...

Speaker 2 a definite winner because at the minute you always have to have a winner of the made-up game Dave. Well out of you two and this is where the points are coming in there is a winner.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but he hasn't won. That was the agreement.
He has to win outright. Yeah.
So you need a tiebreak. Okay.
Should we tie break it? Yeah, sure. Let's tie break it.

Speaker 2 We're going straight to radiar at this stage, Michael.

Speaker 2 Find the. We've had the biggest audience share in the year.
Absolutely.

Speaker 2 Last quarter. Yes.

Speaker 2 Can you quickly get listeners to Absolute Radio 90s, Michael? What, you want to guess so many listeners? Absolutely. What's closer to the pin? The pin is near this stage.

Speaker 2 Oh, well, we are actually doing a radar question. Yeah, we're actually doing radar.
Yeah, because we need a big number to make it closer to the pin so we don't have another draw.

Speaker 2 Okay, I'm just waiting for you. Weekly listeners or audience share.
It will be reach or share. Which one? Reach or share.
It will be reach. We don't want to go down the share route.

Speaker 2 What is reach the total? Yeah. Yeah, it's the total listeners across a week.

Speaker 2 I've got a number here. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Reach across the week.

Speaker 2 Well, how many? How many listeners does the station have in the layman's terms? Across the week.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, it is weekly, yeah. I think that's quite high.
It's hard. This is a high, but I've gone high.

Speaker 2 I don't know what I've gone.

Speaker 2 Because I'm not entirely sure what I'm trying to guess. So it's different.

Speaker 2 It's not cumulative.

Speaker 2 Communicates.

Speaker 2 That'd be massive. It's not that.

Speaker 2 So think of it as individual listeners. They're all ticking their little radar diaries.
It's too high.

Speaker 2 Ticking their radar diaries.

Speaker 2 That's not happening as it is. I've come up with a figure, Dave.
Have you? Yeah, I've got a figure just for the fun of it. Good.
All right, then, well, let's let Ellis scribble. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Go on then, John. First to you.
1.2 million. 1.2 mil.
Thank you for taking it seriously. Thank you.
And actually coming with an answer. Ellis.
600,000. 600,000.
Again, it's fine. It's a good answer.

Speaker 2 Greg? 172,000. 172,000.
The answer is... 1.069 million.
So just over a million weekly. That's a lot.
It is. It's a good station.
Greg, you're out by a factor of 10. That's a lot, isn't it?

Speaker 2 Ethan Droth has to glow, isn't it?

Speaker 2 What was your name? Ethan Drothosum is going to be managed to guess. But I thought most people surely listened to Absolute.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Are they rolling it in? No, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 No, no, it's an independent station.

Speaker 2 The magnet often falls off the bottom. So I've won the tie brick.
You have. Well done, mate.
So you win the game and take it to advantage. Advantage, James.

Speaker 2 Oh, God.

Speaker 2 That's great. We'll keep that for the Cara, of course.
Greg, thank you so much for joining us. It's been a pleasure.
Thank you. It's been wonderful having you here in the studio.

Speaker 2 All the best for all the best for the future. Thank you.
Do people ever say that? They have said it a lot. Okay, well, then I've said it again.

Speaker 2 Thanks for saying it again. Thank you, Greg.
Thanks for having me on. Well, there we have it.
Another show, done and dusted, D and D.

Speaker 2 We will be back with you on Friday, of course. Thank you very much for listening.
If you've got an email you'd like to send us, you can send it to ellisonjohn at bbc.co.uk.

Speaker 2 If you've got a WhatsApp you'd like to send us, do use the latest technology that Meta's got to offer. It's an 07974-293-022.
Love you lots. Goodbye.
Bye-bye.

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