SUPERFLY #50 - Prison S*X

David, I don't know if you know this about me, but I've always been a fan of exploring new places. Not like you kind of, you know, no, no offense.
And one of my best trips, listen up, is when I stayed at an Airbnb. Felt like I was living like a local with all the space, comfort of home.
You know, hotels can be a hassle room service. And then the housekeeper housekeeping it's a hassle so then

you go to airbnb and you can get whatever you want a little cottage this and that it's fantastic you have your own separate space so it's a great product for people who travel david yes i have friends doing one of these right now if you have a home you can airbnb it it's fantastic i mean um to to monetize your home when you're not there seems like a good idea i mean look i'm on the road a lot i could probably do it it's it's something that people can do when they travel they have extra space or you're at a place not full-time you come in the winter you leave in the summer. That's something you should think about.
It's a way to get some extra money, and it's a cool experience. Your home might be worth more than you'd think.
Yep. Find out how much at airbnb.com slash host.
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This is big time. This is the first time on our podcast that David has broadcast from a remote location.
Yeah. Well, wait a minute.
You did it for Paul McCartney. Oh yeah.
McCartney. We are scrambling in New York mean, we're so good.
Crummy hotel rooms, yeah. Interview of my life and two hours of tech pressure.
God dang it. Darn it.
God dang. I've probably never been more nervous for an interview.
And I see us as equals, me and Paul, so it's sort of calmed me down. I have so much regret about everything I do.
The last sketch I did on SNL, Sambando, or the- Hey, Bongino. I didn't know what I was doing out there.
And I just ran off, and all I heard was crickets. So that tortured me over the holiday.
It's a sickness. And then with Paul McCartney for the last two

years, when I think about it, I regret not understanding the idea that I could bring up topics that he couldn't because he's a gentleman. Yes.
And so that, that really, you know, do you ever have any kind of regrets about anything? Well, there's, I do all the time, of course, daily, but

McCartney, you know, it's hard to ask about Lennon because Lennon died, spoiler, but I, it's hard to say, uh, Hey, because it's so personal. Meanwhile, every interview, anyone asked me about anything personal, they don't care at all.
Right. They want to ruffle feathers.
We He just showed respect for him.

He showed respect for his bandmates.

But if the host, in this case, you and I, brought up something like, who did the bass line there and who wrote that middle eight and did you help George with this part or anything like that, would it be in liver puddling in terms of like, well, I don't want to be a showboater, you know. Yeah.
I don't want to be a chest slumper He's humble about it He's a gentleman He should have been fluffing his feathers a little bit But I think he's been fluffing I think he got over that podcast Yeah, he's okay with it One second after he's like Google those guys, let me see what I was just doing All I know is you're entertainers You're entertain entertainers. Anyway, so here we are.
He thought he was on Good Morning America, and it was going way long. He thought I was Matt Lauer.
I didn't hear. I never knew about the controversy.
He thought I was Katie Couric. He's got a great wig, whatever it is, on the top of his scully, scully, miss scully.
By the way, Dana, I think for the first time, viewers, millions of our viewers should know that I'm doing this, your trick, in front of a window. I'm not in love with it already, but I always have these trusty shades next to me.
Like, one time you wore shades. Remember we were doing in the bunker at my house? Oh, yeah, I used to wear funny hats and shades.
That was before the podcast got monetized. Yeah.
And then people started to calm me. Take it a little serious.
Jesus. That's before it blew up.
But yeah, now I'm looking out the window and I see why it's blinding. But you have good eyes, so it's okay.
Do I? No one's ever said that to me except my wife. You know who someone said to me day i walked in this store why am i leaning i walked in this store just a regular dipshit whatever run the mill i see something in the window tricked me to go in and then the lady who's very eclectic looked a little like stevie nicks she just goes up she goes i like your look i like the whole thing and i go i never get that dude do you think she knew who you were i don't think that fast she was okay she was because she didn't say anything and i go oh yeah i don't i don't get that she goes yeah just uh no i like any itemization here is it the the scruff is it is it the hair slicked back is it the shades it was what i was wearing the shade i was just really nailing it and uh like 10 out of 10 i mean that's usually what i think but no one's ever said i mean there's the kate spade of the family and then there's the d spade and i was never that one even kate and uh andy Pop quiz for for you when you preem and primp and all that stuff before you're gonna leave your house for yeah whatever activity do you what goes through your head like uh or do you ever think to yourself I look pretty good today yeah I've had I thought that like right now on this camera I don't look too bad but for me that's, that's for me.
I think it looks as good as your studio. I mean, yeah, no, I mean, I'm just saying I comb my hair back and I got my hair trimmed the other day.
So it's a little shorter on the sides, you know, but the idea of I look in the mirror maybe three times a day. I was trying to think of it the other day.
I don't, unless I comb my hair because I have to see myself. I don't look before I go out at night.
I don't do any of that stuff. And I should, but sometimes it's not what I'm looking for when I see the answer.
Well, there's your emotional brain and your logical brain. If you're a restaurant with someone and you go use the restroom and you look in the mirror and you do a little readjusting of your hair, you know that no human being on earth would notice any difference except you.

And you know what you look at that you think is rough.

So anyway, I do find a way to get out of the house.

And this sweater is totally Kanye.

Can you see?

I have so many holes in it because the moths fucking went at it.

And I grabbed the wrong one.

You have moths in your- It's all holes.

See that?

So I walk in there and I go, what are you doing, Moss? They're like, nothing. I wouldn't do anything.
This is casual. Hey, you should go on SNL and dress up as a moth like Sarah does.
Oh, and go do a fucking update. And eat Colin DeQuint's suit.
And now we're going to hear from Spade's moth that lives in his closet. And I come out, I'm fucking stuffed.
And you're all got little feathers. Yeah.
Do they have feathers? Well, I don't know what they got, but I'm just saying someone's got booked for the 50th. I'm texting Lauren right now.
I'd say, I know we're trying to make this show. We're trying to keep it to seven and a half hours.

Spade wants to do Moth Guy.

Moth Guy. You know, we can put a light and I go, there's a light.

Gotta go.

It's a clever thing that Bowen started, I think, or lit it up with his Iceberg character,

Titanic thing.

And then Sarah's got her stuff.

And then he did the drone.

And he's done other things. So I think you as a as a moth I'm just gonna make a note to self I will have I have a question for you Dana obviously I'm gonna jump around here obviously that's what we do on a flight you don't like people hacking and coughing obviously I'm gonna I'm gonna say yes I was in a restaurant the other day sitting at a six top lingo i have to know this because of the bus boys movie six top i know you know i can consult on the movie by the way you can use this we didn't call ourselves bus boys because we wanted to get girlfriends so what do you do i'm a table maintenance personnel manager jesus administrator that's good table maintenance personnel manager fred, administrator.
That's good. Table maintenance personnel manager.
Fred Wolf used to say, people, yeah, he says, I'm a dishwasher. So if girls say, are you a dishwasher? They go, what are you doing? He goes, I'm the chairman of IBM.
Okay. That's another.
That sounds better. It's another way to go.
So I go in and there was a sick person the week before. fine i go in and sit at the six tops it's early and i always sit there and then the waitress comes up she's like they're all very nice let's just start this is just for entertainment purposes yeah the very like full deathbed and i'm like hey she hey, and she's like, I can't.

You know what?

I'm not going to take your order.

I'm probably just going to get out of here.

And I go,

great idea.

You know,

because nobody wants to get sick.

I would love to say,

you know what?

I can't get sick.

I'm starting this movie.

You don't have to,

nobody wants to get sick.

So I shouldn't even have to say that.

I just go,

yeah,

that's probably the best idea.

And she goes,

ah,

yeah,

I feel like shit.

Still air coming out.

So I'm like,

okay.

And then she goes,

Thank you. And then she goes, I'm actually going to talk to the manager, see if I can just punch out.
And I go, I'll call corporate. Just go.
We'll figure this out on the way home. Just because it's all, you know, there's dust from COVID in the air.
I can feel it. You know, there's Omicrons big enough so you can almost see them

with your eye. So she leaves, she goes in the back.
Another waiter comes up. No.
Another waiter.

I know, but. Hey man, I go, Hey, she, is she okay? She's feeling bad.
He goes, yeah, she actually left the other day. She was feeling bad.
I'm like, oh, she's back. Okay.
So I go, great. All right, let's order up.
And he goes, to be honest, I'm not feeling a thousand percent. Jeez.
A thousand percent either. I'm like, eh.
So I hustled through my order. Then I go talk to my buddy there.
And then when I look back, they go, food's here. I look back, and the waitress sat, kitty cornered from me at that table.
So I go. Wait a minute.
Is she dressed? I mean, she took off her apron. I mean, she's just joining you.
She's probably looking for a ventilator. She's so sick that I want to just take a small propane flamethrower and just cover the table just to kill some of it.
But she sits. And then I go and I sit because I have to sit in front of my breakfast.
I don't know what to do to be rude. All of it's about not being an asshole.
And the biggest, the craziest part of me is that I sit there, aim straight ahead. And she's like, sweat, hitting the table.
I'm like, it's a good effect. It's so sickening and just full on like writing out her will.
And then she, after about four solid minutes of silence, she goes, you don't mind if I sit here, do you? I go, not at all. Why am I a psycho? I go, not at all.
Well, I'm just, you have to. And just promise me you will stop eating at Denny's.
This is clearly Denny's.

It's a perfectly fine place.

I told her, promise me you're not

going to leave. I'm so overly nice.

You're not at the Polo Lounge, the Beverly Hills Hotel.

Dana, you're like this too. You're overly nice and you're like,

no, there's nothing you're doing that bothers me.

Please stay and get better.

Just stay here throughout your sickness

and get better.

Well, did she at least do six feet away? I mean, what are we talking here? Like a two footer? She was probably three and a half feet. But then I'm like, I hear some noise.
I'm like, oh, I guess that's, you're being choppered out of here. Get the part.
I got cocky because I don't think I had a cold for a year. And then everyone at SNL has got a cold and I got cocky.
I actually thought to myself, yeah, I had I, some get colds. I don't know what's wrong when you were doing SNL.
Yeah. I got, you know, everyone's calling.
I just don't, it's not, it's not my thing. It's not my brand.
It's not who I am. I don't get colds next morning.
Razor blade. Razor blade.
Razor blade. Every time you swallow is not a good way to get us good slumber.
Speedle spadle. When you catch yourself swallowing and then you swallow again and it hurts, you go, oh no, I can't stop swallowing.
That's the grossest feeling. Well, you try to go, well, I was yelling last night at David Spade, just tearing him a new one about the podcast.
Give me your notes from Hunter Biden who were just like screams. You were like, great stuff.
We slammed the door here. What are you doing out there? You call yourself Hunter Biden.
You ain't a hunter and you're Biden. You're time to start him.
No, you crushed it. Tom Hanks told me specifically isolated me.
He's said very nice things about your Hunter Biden. and he's probably the greatest actor in our generation.
So it's high praise from that dude. Also, when I left the restaurant that day, of course, I went around the corner and took a Silkwood shower.
Like Meryl Streep. You're like a permanent meme.
All your expressions and the sound effect. You're like just a series of memes.
We got to get a cartoon caricature of you and make these memes. And I'm in the shower.
You see David's stage in the shower. Well, do you remember Silkwood? This is aging our audience.
Of course. Cher, Meryl Streep.
What happens to Meryl Streep? There's a leak of the radiation? They're trying to do radiation they're trying to do the China Syndrome didn't quite make it yeah fucking without fucking Jane Fonda without the Syndrome without Jane Fonda with her sleeveless top I don't know what that means showing her cleavage no there's a better word So what are we doing with Meryl Streep and Cher?

Do we have any connection here?

I was saying that when she got a rip or something in her outfit

and they said she might've gotten radiation,

they go, come here for a second.

Two seconds, strip down.

And they put her in the shower

and scrubbed her with steel wool or something.

And she was screaming.

And that reminded me of me leaving the restaurant.

Radiation is actually maybe not that bad for you. It was kind of exaggerated.
Oh. We get radiation all the time, you know.
Because the next day I went in, I go, what was wrong with that lady? They go, oh, she had bad radiation. I go, oh, Dana said that's fine.
Again, you're like a meme staring at something you don't want to see. Give me the look.
Oh, no, that's more funny. Serious.
That's cool. Also, Dana, we were talking about, oh, there's a big fire in LA and we can't make light of it.
It's actually a thousand percent terrifying because we're doing this the day before. So we don't know where the fire is now but it's very bad and my big thing about it is heather can look this up is there no water in the fire hydrants is that even possible yeah i know they can't fly over because the wind they will be probably maybe by tonight or tomorrow but there's no try it's like how do you even try to stop it without dropping it? They went to fire hydrants and some of them had no water.

Why is that? I don't understand what's going on.

I would need more

information to have a strong opinion but

it seems like you know kind of a

trying to suppress water

or something. I don't know.

I don't know.

If a fire hydrant has no water

what is it?

Former LA water commissioner says mismanagement led to low hydrant levels. They ran out in the Palisades.
So some human beings, what's your job? Oh, I work for the water department. What is it? To make sure all the fire hydrants are full in LA.
How you doing? Just got fired. I just got fired because I haven't really even checked on them because there's not that many fires.
I knew they were pretty full, but it was, I was tired. I heard that I just read, obviously everything I say is a lie, but I read that they had to cut budget last year and they did cut maybe 16 million, whatever that means in the grand scheme of things from the fire department.
Now, if there has been horrible fires, I mean, they got to weigh it all out in fairness. Not a good, not a good look.
We're the most fire heavy place of the world. The high winds and the sparking towers made in 1870.
I mean, the idea of, it's called essential services, fire department, police department. I mean, there's more, but those are the big two garbage.
Yeah. But you, you would survive garbage sitting on your sidewalk, but fire department, police department, I'm just going to say, I'm going to call bullshit on that funding if that's true.
And by the way, I'm running for LA County supervisor. Jeez Louise, Steve McQueen just walked into the podcast.
David put on his superstar shades. I put on my Dana shades too bright.
Now, Dana, let's move on from the fire because it's too tragic to even talk about. It's probably the worst fire ever I've been there and it's only no, no, no.
It's, it's, it's horrible. That's all we're saying that we uh we we're in show business so we know a few of these people that are being affected and it's also true in california it is sometimes almost impossible to get home insurance because a lot of the companies left and so that's a double whammy if your house is going up and you don't have insurance.
So anyway. And I think Florida is having the same problem with hurricane insurance.

Like any insurance where the insurance tax actually pay you, then they go, wait, whoa. I know someone who lives there and his home insurance tripled because two hurricanes hit it within two years.

So, you know, what can I say?

Okay, Dan, anything else before we get to the news?

Well, I just wanted to observe a few funny things because I'm watching New Trump.

Oh, yeah, that was good last week.

And some of his phrases are like this.

Nobody's ever seen it.

Nobody's ever seen anything like it before.

Nobody's ever seen it.

Nobody's seen a case like that.

They've never done it before.

And all they do, and this is when he says talk, he makes a very specific mouth, which I'll do for our listeners and viewers. They've never seen it before.
They've never seen anything like it. They never have.
It's never happened before, quite frankly. All they do is tuck.
All they do is tuck. All they do, I'm telling you, all they do is talk.

They just talk.

That's it.

Talk about a meme.

They just talk.

It's that far.

They talk, they talk, they just talk.

Then it goes back normal.

I don't know what they're doing, but all they do is talk.

They talk.

It does go.

It's kind of when he went.

China.

That's right.

They go, China.

They go, they've never seen it. And they're doing things you wouldn't believe.
And all they do, by the way, all they do is talk. They're all talk and no action.
He used to sing that old movie. This is the only time he makes this specific lips like this.
All talk, no action. All talk, no action.
I'm trying to give Patrick, our editor, different angles. It's funny.
It's like that old song. All they do to me is talk, talk.
Talk, talk. Remember talk, talk? All they do, and we're looking at things, and we're seeing things, and all they do is talk.
He's trying to say tick, talk. All they do is talk.
They talk, and they talk, and they never stop talking. He took the L for sure.
I like the mouth. Now I have Trump.
The other funny thing is we don't need anything else. Trump is so entertaining, I have to say.
If you're not panicked by him, he's just fucking funny. I mean, he's coming out now.
He wants Panama Canal. He wants Greenland.
He's taking over. Yeah, that's great.
We're going to take over Greenland. We're taking over Greenland.
We're going to take it over. We're going to call it Even More America.
That's the new name of that place. Even More America.
We're taking over the Panama Canal. We're going to take it because we built it.
We built it. And all they do is talk.
Oh, talk. We're going to call it USA's Super Canal.
We're taking over Tahiti and Bora Bora. Tahiti and Bora Bora.
This is not talk. It's not talk.
We're taking over Tahiti. We're calling it the beautiful American islands.
And by the way, Canada is now we we're taking them over. It's going to be called Amerita.
We're calling it Amerita. It's Amerita.
Canada, Amerita. Yeah.
Maybe super America up there. It never made any sense.
We've got Alaska up there, then we've got a shit ton of Canada, then we've got America. Too much Canada between here and Alaska, right? It's like, you know, it's like if Florida was another country, it's like a thumb hanging off America, but it's ours.
It's totally ours. You know, Ponce de Leon, Ponce de Leon.
You remember him? A lot of people talk about Ponce de Leon. A lot of people do.
The fountain of youth in Canada, but all they do is talk. All they do is talk.
That's my new toy today. It's all they do.
I like it. He did it.
We can cut this. He did a 20-minute rant on electric heaters versus gas heaters.
You know what Biden wants? What they want? They want electric heaters. You cut them.
They don't work very well. You get itchy.
Quite frankly, you get itchy with electric. The gas is better.
It looks

better. It heats you up like you wouldn't believe.
And they're canceling water. They're making

dishwashers that don't have hardly any water. You put your stuff in there.
It comes out. It's not

clean. You got to run it 10 times and you end up using more water.
By the way, to our audience,

these are direct quotes. The dishwashers, the washers, they don't have a lot of water.
They're worried about water even though we have places. It's coming down from heaven where they have so much water.
They want to stop the water in your washer. You wash your clothes.
They come out with their duty. You got to do it 10, 20 times.
You got to do it more water and all they do is talk. I will say if California has to do electric cars by 2030, I'm not ready.
I'm not throwing away my cars because just during this fire, a lot of electricity is out. So no worries.
Well, we go electric and then gas and energy prices go down because we're not using any of it. And then the CO2 goes up.
There's a thousand metrics into this idea of the planet warming. Let's talk about it, people, rather than just do things emotionally.
I like my hybrid. Sorry.
You just talk. They talk.
That's all they do is talk. That's got to start them up again.
And no one's ever seen it. No one's ever seen anything like this.
No one's ever seen it. No one's ever seen it.
And all they do is talk It has to be the channel Mar-a-Lago, we all have a lot of dirty dishes And I have one more thing I was going to do Because I had so much fun The last SNL A lot of our friends were there Tina and everybody But I hadn't seen Jimmy Fallon in a while. So the minute, the minute I see him, he's like so much fun.
And it's such an upper. He goes, Hey, this is crazy.
Dana Kirby. Oh, what's going on Dana Kirby.
Hey, so I start doing Johnny Carson, getting pulled over for drunk driving, you know, sorry, officer. I didn't know I was swerving.
I had two slippery monkeys at the hook and crook. And Jimmy blew a gasket like his head exploded.
He can't love it. Oh, my God.
Oh, it's so funny. John Carson pulled over.
He's talking to Tom Hanks. Johnny Carson pulled over.
Don't drive me. Hey, I had a tomato boom boom.
The desperate sponge. Dana Carvey.
It's so funny. All they do is talk.
Anyway, I just had so much fun. So here's Jimmy Fallon getting, gets a, gets the check in a restaurant.
I'll take the check. Oh my God, this is insane.
Look at this check. Oh my God.
Is that in my mind? I'm going to believe it. It's insane.
That's it? That's it. It's a little wispy, but I like it.
Well, I took it really far. So that, that, that, that.
All right. We have six minutes.
Well, no, we have, we, I have to say that the pickup on last week's show, you know, every week they pick some article up. Because it's some crazy stuff you said.
What did, what got picked up? Yeah. Well, I didn't even read the article because I just thought it was about that.
said uh i can't believe people text lauren because i couldn't but it was nothing negative i'm like i wish i could have gotten a lauren it was like that ninth floor door is shut you're not talking to him you know you know what i mean you have to get an appointment well you know i saw that and i thought about it later and what we didn't have to call lauren we'd have to go to our office, dial nine, get a landline number. See, it's fun.
Oh, hello. Uh, hi Lauren.
It's Dana. I'm in my office at eight, six.
Lauren's not here right now. Let me give you to Marcy.
Hi, it's's Marcy uh yeah so I felt like it sounded like I was being negative that oh I was making fun of I didn't see this part till today that in that in that meeting between dress and air that Lauren is talking and he told Sarah Sherman I just love making fun of Sarah Sherman and she goes and he goes Sarah uh you have to face forward a little more just so the light

hits you she goes I'll try I'll try it was funny Sarah's uh the her is her charm is that she just says what's on her mind and she's very open you know she's hilarious and he's hilarious and so I could see the way she would be casual with Lauren would just sort of work like why would He'd be cute, yeah.

Cut it, okay.

Well, all right.

But I think that we were no... the way she would be casual with Lauren would just sort of work.
Like why did you cut it?

Okay.

Well,

all right.

But I think that,

um,

we were in those early days,

maybe, I don't know.

We just weren't as familiar with Lauren.

Lauren was our boss,

the executive producer,

the guy who started Saturday night live.

And so I think for a few,

it took me a while to get comfortable with Lauren because the way I really got to know Lauren, maybe you could chime in on this, is when you go back and you host and then you're kind of hanging out with Lauren a lot as a host. It's a different thing.
And you're seeing how he's just casually always producing. It's just put over there, maybe let's move this i think the cold opening is fine all i'm saying is and so you realize and also when you see him on the floor you know the guy is he he cares about that show first of all he's so freaking happy when the show works or the cold opening works.
And if it's starting to go sideways, this is why no one else does live comedy sketch because it's so fucking hard. So anyway, you get to know Lauren, but the idea that Sarah has it already and is sort of friendly with him.
Yeah. I mean, did you ever walk by Lauren and see him in the hallway and go, hey Lauren, I'm going to Huxley's.
You want me to grab you a tuna melt? Actually, why don't you come with me? Yeah. Come with you? What? Lauren, we're going to the comedy strip.
Come on, man. Marcy would tackle me.
Yeah. Yeah, she could too.
Someone I know just got engaged in and it's a big one.

It's a big one.

It's the next step in a relationship.

And that's why they have, you know, a thing called an engagement ring.

What was the Beyonce song?

You should have put a ring on it.

Oh yeah.

Pay attention to that.

And we know how you can get a nice ring, right?

You go to Blue Nile. Blue blue nile your engagement ring shopping spot you got the shape they got the size setting cut color it's all very confusing but you need someone to help walk you through it that's the place to go uh there's one way it is confusing but they make it simple is what i'm gonna yeah you go there and they clear it up because I don't know what I'm doing.
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Okay. All right.
Let's get back to really important things. What are our dumb stories we're talking about? Let's get some headlines going.
My forehead looks the same color as the wall behind me. I guess that's- That's a funny observation and true.
They mix It's not good or bad. Look at that, Heather.
You see my forehead looks the same color as the wall behind me. I guess that's...
That's a funny observation and true.

They mix together.

It's not good or bad.

Look at that, Heather.

You see my forehead looks the same color as the wall.

Okay, people driving.

Prison officer filmed having sex with inmate admits another incident on same day.

And this is a female prison officer?

The officer is the guy or the girl? Let me see. That's on time.
Only fans model. Oh, so she's a prison officer and an only fans model.
Wait, she was jailed after. Oh, she's the officer.
You can tell we don't look at these ahead of time, folks. No good we don't that's okay so she caught on her

body cam what are you what i'm not saying the word dipshit but you i mean she knows she's doing does she air that as part of her only fans i'm sure i mean why else that and you're gonna get caught there's been a lot of prison movies i think um ben stiller did one

you and you're going to get caught. There's been a lot of prison movies.
I think Ben Stiller did one about female police officers having sex with inmates. So now it's a true story.
Listen, I'm fine with it. Hey, scroll down a little bit because I want to read that.
It says, it's a funny word. Prison officer filmed having sex with a burglar in his prison cell.
Why are they so specific? Who calls anyone a burglar anymore? Well, first of all, that's a pretty, I mean, it's awful if you're a burglar, but that means it's someone trying to get into a house without hurting anybody and just get the freak out. Is that what it means? I think a burglar is just sort of trying to sneak in and sneak out.
It's not- Your house is burgled? Yeah. What's the ham burglar? They would do it if like, say you were not in your house right now and you're at a other location, it'd be a perfect time for someone to burglar.
Oh, forget. Sorry, I brought that up.
Yeah, I've been burgled. That's a word.

That would be, you've been burgled. Yeah.

Well, as we said, the Hamburglar, I never saw him actually in jail.

He was always out on parole.

My forehead is exactly the color and now is the sheets.

No, it was like Heather was painting the wall and just happened to slap your forehead.

Make it a little less. Because Dana looks like he's got some color in his face.
No, but look, I want to. Well, I have different.
Oh, yeah. I'm facing a window.
I have ring lights. I'm going to wear these for editing.
Ring lights that have color. We look pretty good.
No one's going to notice this bullshit. We'll do a new story.

Oh,

you look fantastic.

Everyone's running fucking like a chicken with their head cut off.

Cause I moved the curtain two inches.

Woody Allen came out for a second.

Please throw the earth off its axis.

Okay. What's next?

My forehead's the color

of the Ramada hen.

Please rent an ad on my forehead

for flying the wall.

Also, Superfly.

It's all available.

What is this?

Oh, hang on.

Oh, this is a different

OnlyFans girl

saying how much the one we did a report on actually makes. Okay, let's see if it's shocking or not.
What is Sophie Rain really making? I'm going to be giving you some insider information from an OF girl myself. I know we've all seen the image of her making $43 million in a year, which is insane.
But this is the gross number and a lot of things are going to be coming out of this for example right off the top only fans is going to be taking 20 percent so that 43 million drops to 34.4 million now somebody of her caliber definitely has an agency to help with marketing and posting. This agency also takes a percentage.
And agencies in general take a percentage of anywhere from 15% to all the way up to 60%. What? 60? I'm going to grab something right in the middle.
Get fucked. 35%.
Now, it drops her income down to $22.4 million. And then the government could have done this.
Nobody is exempt. Video taxes.
Oh, yeah. Welcome to the club.
So if you're based in Florida and you're making over a million dollars a year, your average tax percentage should be around 35%. We take 35% off of the $22 million.
And now we are all the way down to $14.5 million take home, which is still a huge amount of money. Yeah, no shit.
All right. First of all, you want to be an agent in that story up to 60%.
They start with 60 and then if people go oh i'm sorry what yeah they go no i'm saying 50 and then they grind them down to what 15 was it well she's got 14 million net net net that's pretty good how embarrassing i know but 14 mil that's like literally zero for an only fans model but did you hear and we could probably look this up another one of my lies that i heard the average only fan girl makes about a thousand a month that makes sense that makes more sense right because not everyone has a huge audience you could say i'm taking off my clothes hey Hey, everybody. You have to let your followers know.
And if you don't, then you're a... Okay.
Oh, wow. We're getting a newsflash that you get 150, 180 per month.
Most. Most.
Only fans. Wow.
2,000 a year. That's the tough decision because you only hear these stories of how great it is now you're high if you're dancing in a g-string and you're making 150 a month then you gotta check what's going on with your person i mean what is that yeah i mean it's still money but it's just you gotta weigh it out i guess it is true i remember jay leno telling me once yeah and that's why we get paid we get paid a lot of money because after they take everything you still got a pretty good check you know yeah i mean there's some things you still don't get it's still at this point if you go to jimmy fallon what do you make 780 bucks well it's it's it's the exposure that's just union That wasn't the question, sir, on the stand.

Lady Gaga got $17 million for five minutes on Colbert's show.

She just has that kind of clout.

Why am I getting $780?

I don't know.

OnlyFans is a fascinating thing.

We should, for just because Superfly, this is for sophie let's get let's we want to get one of them on and ask her let's get a you know an only fans we'll get that sophie rain on yeah let's that's doing well and just really think of it as it it grosses like six eight8 billion a year. It's bigger than, you know.
The NBA salary, it's all combined, right? It's bigger than U.S. Steel.
Yeah. I don't know that movie.
I'm too young. Godfather and U.S.
Steel is a big controversy. A Japanese steel company wants to merge with U.S.
Steel and some people say it's a great deal for both. It'll give us a steel industry.
And then some people say we should keep U.S. steel separate from our friends.
From China. China.
Right now, they're talking about it. They're talking a lot, but it's all talk.
It's all talk. That's all it is.
Now, let me change from now. I hate that talk is such an easy one to get back to.
China, this merger is just talk right now. It's just talk.
They're just talk. They've never seen it.
We've never seen it. He's talking about the lawsuits.
They've never seen it before. Talk about never seen it.
Who's seen Greenland? Who's going up there for a vacation? It's a lot of fun. It's a lot of fun.
By the way, it's got oil, natural gas, and rare minerals. And you can take a ship.
We have an air base there. Let's take it.
There's only 57,000 people there. And they mostly sell fish to Denmark.
Yeah. You got to bring in the big boys for all the oil, gas, and minerals.
So that's why Trump will get the rare minerals. They're rare.
The reason they're rare is because you don't see them a lot. That's a very underused word, rare minerals.
You got to have them. China has a lot of them.
But right now, it's all time. Trump goes up there to sort of shake hands and say, hey, what's this, a largemouth lunker bass? What do you got here? He's trying to blend in with the locals to to pitch the sale i know trump jr just went in and just hung out he just hung out but the thing is those people make an average newsflash 36 000 a year for the average um greenland human being so trump will say we'll make we'll give you a million a year each to make it also buy a cow for a nickel up there to make it what did i call it even more america even more america is our latest acquisition that would be the biggest state probably greenland because it's three times as big as texas is it it's all it's 80 covered in ice the reason it's called Greenland is when the Vikings and the Danes went in there, it was all green and lush.
So if it melts, we may see- So is my wife. That's what you should say if you're Henny Youngman.
It's 80% covered in ice. So is my wife.
There you go. That's a good one.
It was a hair late. No, let's do it officially so Patrick can clip it.

Okay, ready?

Go.

Greenland is covered 80% in ice.

Yeah, so is my wife.

Well, that sounded too sincere.

So is my wife.

You almost wanted to.

I should have done it.

Use the other so is my wife, Patrick.

We'll see what that looks like.

Yeah.

Okay, next story. Here we go.
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Look at this.

Oh, teen finds out anonymous internet bully who harassed her for a year is her own mom.

Whoa. Mount Pleasant, Michigan.
I'm from Michigan.

This is the one that has like the music behind it That goes Scary music I was doing a Mission Impossible sub-theme Oh you were? Sorry, I stepped on it That's Mission Impossible? That's Popeye I lost it I'm stoned to the finish Cause I ate my spoon Yeah that's it All of it is I'll talk My first bit I've said it before My first bit in 19 Oh you did Popeye Ladies and gentlemen Popeye getting kicked in the groin. I was not expecting that.
I know. It's just, if I get a hair collapse from David Spade.
I liked that one. That was a good one.
You know, Popeye. I like your waitress now.
Speaking of Popeye.ye yeah uh that goes public domain more fishy fucking guesses on my part public domain like mickey mouse and winnie the pooh so they're gonna make a horror movie about it i think but they can't use spinach i heard that too this all sounds lie. Oh, a mashup Popeye in a horror film.

Yeah. Like make Popeye.
I'm going to, I ate olive oil and then D stabs her. And he's like,

oh, I'm not a great guy after all. And then what's his name? Wimpy comes in.
I'll gladly

stab you tomorrow if I can stab you today. For a hamburger today? Yeah.

Wimpy's like on drugs. He was adding nothing, but I did always laugh when he'd say that.
I'm like, like even in a comic strip, I'd laugh. I'll gladly pay you tomorrow for a hamburger today is brilliant.
Tuesday. That's like hear me now and believe me later.
Listen to me. Hear me now and believe me later.
I like how we don't even talk about the mom who's, I guess it's just sort of discipline, right? I assume it's parenting in her mind. Yes.
Not in mine. That's rough.
It depends on how rough she got. I like to make the kid look like they're in squid game for some reason in this photo.
Yeah. If your kid is dressed like that, which is this death mask and a pink jacket with a hood on, you maybe want to harass him online just to get him to take off the mask.
Unless that's just to hide his identity. You were chopping.
You're being choppy, but we got it. Patrick's got it.
Okay, let's go to one more. Oh, we got time.
What time is it? We always say one more. We got time.
People are too riveted. They're on the edge of their seat during this.
There's their edge of their car seat. What's this? What are you seeing? Oh, this is funny.
Okay, this is a woman from America seeing Big Ben. As you know, Big Ben is a big clock in London.
I don't know if it's in Piccadilly Square. But this woman sees it.
This is the reaction I would figure also Dana having too. But then some kid gives a summary.
So watch her and then watch the kid's summary. All right.
Stand up right now. Fucking stand up.
Why the hell is she crying over a clock? I've lived in the UK and London for eight years and I've seen this every single time. And if I was even in America, I would not start going on the floor.
What's Big Ben done? What's Big Ben done for you? Has he cleaned your house? Has he made it your house? Has he done as he oofed your floor? No, he's not. He's a clock, blub.
He's a big, massive clock that lives in the middle of London. Why are you crying over a fucking clock? So that's her mother? No, that's just some chick on TikTok.
Oh, it's just, okay. So that kid seems like she's 37 years old Not visually, she looks Eight, but it's like extremely Mature Why would you cry over a clock Mother? Why are you falling On the ground? It's a fucking clock If you saw a human being Who was over six feet tall Would you you sob? Look how tall they are.
It's stupid. Yeah.
Cry. Cry over things that are large.
I want to follow this lady around and see what she's crying over every day. Anything that's bigger than normal.
She got a giant hamburger and sobbed for two hours. It's larger than a regular hamburger.
Don't let her near Randy's donuts The donuts On the outside are so large She broke down in tears and had to be Taken away by an EMT squad Dana's choppy I'm choppy, you're blurry Break the tie Greg I'm blurry Oh it is?

Don't you fucking dare blame me

It's blurry and choppy

That should be our show

By the way this hotel

Graciously said we'll give you some dog shit

Internet that nobody

You know what I did for our friend Paul McCartney

Going full circle I went to the Four Seasons way up in the mountains because the wi-fi was sketchy down in jackson i can hear and see you terrific thank you for traveling to a better hotel well at least you saved a couple bucks on the hotel i mean i can tell it's a no i met a nice hotel but i we went and said we don't want want the regular internet. Where's the backdoor special? And so they're like, here we go.
Ding. So this is the good stuff.
You thought you got good. Oh, okay.
Gotcha. Yeah, no, we vetted this whole thing because I knew if I'm on the road, I got to make sure we can do this and nail it and make it a thousand percent because all of our millions of views, they freak out.
What's going to happen, Greg? Oh, here's another story. Okay.
I just thought this was interesting. Okay.
This isn't great. This isn't hilarious.
I was thinking I could watch this for now. How is rubber made from rubber tree? How do you harvest rubber?

I like that scrape noise.

It's a specific tool. We never think of doing it like this.

Very straight lines.

Yeah.

Freehand.

What's that?

I like this little instrument.

That's me with my toenails at night.

Is that the actual rubber that's coming off i would never think this tree was a rubber tree i think it was some dumb shit tree run of the mill bucket oh look everybody oh say just made a little tap and then here comes it and of... Is that it? Wowee.
That's what rubber looks like coming right out. That's what it sounds like? I don't like the water part.
God, get a grip on it, dude. Relax.
Yeah, rubber trees really were named properly. That's a lot of work.
And they don't do anything with it.

Collecting rubber. You're not making a tire out of that.

Why are they black? They don't do anything with it.

No, but that was a rubber tree.

If you're driving, go look at

YouTube around 45 minutes and you'll see it.

It's fascinating. That was kind of cool.

It was cool. Very light

tapping. An angle.
Scraping. And then a funnel.
So some of it came out kind of watery and then it coalesced into a big thing. I think it's like sap.
Coalesced, he said. YouTube's gonna light up over that one.
Like a blob. What are you, Akilah and the bee? Okay, what's the next thing? What's that? Human deaths caused by animals.
Okay, Heather, pay attention. This is interesting.
This is going to tell us what, it's kind of like the running thing we did. What animals and how many deaths do they cause per year in order? We're starting at the lowest.
So bats, bears. Okay.
Sharks, I get it. Mooses, more than sharks.
Spiders. Wolves.
Cows. Cows.
Yeah. Horses, even more.
Lions and leopards make sense. Ants, Dana.

Bees.

Bees because allergic.

Jellyfish.

Tiger.

Tiger that far ahead of shark.

Deers ahead of tigers.

Hippopotamus way up there.

Elephants killing us.

Tape worms.

Crocodiles.

Never liked them. Scorpions.
Scorpion.ions Wow And what's the Tee Tee Tee flies And then assassin bug Snails Snails Snails kill us Dogs number Way above everyone else Snakes Wow Humans Killing other humans 430,000 That's the big pal Mosquitoes above humans humans but titsi fly where is that in africa

i've heard of them it's in titsi the land of titsi you fly over it i don't know it's africa i think i think it's that or southeast asia you know communicable disease carriers what about okay shocking on that was cows dogs were so high but why do cows how do cows kill you because i'm around cows a lot and they don't want anything to do with me oh i'd be scared oh you know if you add a bull that's different if you have female cows but bulls will attack yeah oh because if you're flirting with one of their...

Okay, and then toward the end, hippopotamus.

There's not that many, are there?

20 to 25 deaths occur each year from cattle.

Uh-huh.

Involves the bulls.

There it is.

Yeah.

Oh, multiple cows are involved in most attacks.

And it's bulls with horns and shit, and they want to fuck you up.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

Well, I thought, who else was on that list that was really odd?

Owls didn't make it for the third year in a row.

One thing they left out was who kills more humans than anyone else? And then it would say david spade because you kill your audience as a stand-up sorry long way to go david spade was a killer last night oh you killed him hey heather turn this light up a little bit more so it doesn't match for the only reason so it won't match so we have 30 seconds to go and now you're doing a

lighting design there you go now turn that one i'll close that one we're doing a whole thing here listen we're not fucking goop oh it is a little dark oh jesus christ claude rains just walked into the podcast go that side yeah yeah oh you can't do that side all right we're back to normal Wait, hold on. Stop, stop, stop.

Right, it's a very microscope.

Right there.

Beautiful.

That's fine. Oh, that side.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you can't do that side.
All right. We're back to normal.
Wait, hold on. Stop, stop, stop.

Right.

It's a mirror.

Very microscopic.

Right there.

Beautiful.

That's fine.

Mm-hmm.

Nope.

I got to put these on so it matches.

Oh, where are the sunglasses?

You got a continuity browser.

Yeah, continuity.

We got to match.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

What's next story?

I like to bark out orders. Hey.
Hey, hold on. Wait.
I think so. Let's see what this is.
I don't know. Tell us how you are going to break.
There's a guy sitting there and he's going to talk. Break the world record for sleeping with the most men in one day.
I'm trying to get 1000 guys, 1000 guys in 24 hours. My plan kind of is to, it needs to be a room with two doors is what we're trying to work out.
Like the logistics of this is insane because one thing it's hard enough getting a thousand guys together. It's another thing actually like making sure they all do it in the time limit so honestly i'm just hoping for like a convey about of like they need to kind of like walk in the room one pump in one pump out and then leave what's the current world record though it's 919 i want to get to a thousand because like 900 is weak you may as well have got to a thousand you know what i mean 924 hours though this is why i'm training i mean you know that's just another sunday in like a few weeks um she's gonna do 300 to warm up well i think as long as that you know in out in out it's gonna be pretty quick i think i'll get a sore towards the end but i think i've got i hope right determination just well look listen the funny part is like she says the world.
She retires. She wants to start a family.
She's dating regular guys. They're having a glass of wine.
The guy says, well, let's just be honest. You know, I've had a little bit of sexual experience.
Just tell me how many men have you been with? I mean, ballpark. What's your body count? Five, six, ten.
And then she has to say, um, 17,000. Yeah.
It's a tough number. Is that real? First of all, is that real? Well, she just broke a record for, it's like a new kind of thing they're doing for clout where it was all over.
But is there any evidence it's real?

They interviewed the guys?

Well.

Because how many guys,

would you sign up for that?

Would you be number 684?

Do they pay them?

Well, you know,

my nickname in high school was,

I was a boxer and they called me the one pump chump.

I think that's why they called me that.

So you might go through,

get in line and come through another time with sunglasses on the second time. Yeah.
High five. Yeah, no.
I don't know how it works. They did 100, and she said she had nightmares after.
I'm like, I don't even know what's going on with the world. It's really just a record.
And is Guinness Book really coming out there with the nerdy guy going well I mean they did interview Her parents Very working class Brits And they're very sweet about it Would always be proud of our daughter She's a hard worker She's worked way up to a thousand And it took a lot of effort And timing and strategy My daughter is the nicest person In the world, she's got a heart of gold She likes having sex with Thousands of men But she's not all talk She's not Oh no She's not Talking, she's not saying I'm gonna have sex with a thousand men. It's not old talk.
Yeah. You know, even if she gets 900, we still love her.
And McCartney was, it's a lot of shaking, I'll be honest. Yeah, it's more that you can really comprehend.
I'm sure McCartney put up some world record numbers back in the day. Who was the horniest Beatle? We should have asked him.
Who was the horniest Beatle? Probably Ringo. Probably has to be the drummer.
Ah, piece of love, piece of love. Oh yeah, that's a tell.
I think Lennon had bed ends. That guy's horny.
But what about George Harrison? I think they were all kind of the marrying kind. They all got kind of married and a couple divorced and then married again.
I mean, the Beatles are actually pretty corn straight. I think what happens is that kind of fame.
It's so overwhelming to even talk to someone that they probably no girl that's a fan could even comprehend. They were even in the same room with them.
So it's just too weird. They just got to find one person where it's normal and stay with them.
Paul's first wife, Linda Eastman, she was a well-known photographer from a very renowned family, Eastman Kodak. And she had a child from a previous marriage.
And so she was very grown up and I think, and, and lovely. And so I think that's what attracted Paul to her to your point, David.
Yeah. You know, okay, let's do one more.
And then we'll talk about a horny other band members. That was a good question.
We blew it with Paul. Okay, let's see what this is.

Wait, is this another?

Oh, is this?

Oh, this is robots.

They made robots to look like ants and they give them chores.

I'm already scared. Go ahead.

These robots are inspired by ants and were developed by South Korean scientists.

Each micro robot is 600 micrometers tall and interacts with others using magnetic fields. Ooh, so am I.
Creepy. The micro-robot swarm was able to unclog tubes that resembled blocked blood vessels.
This technology could potentially be used to clear plaques from clogged blood vessels. Dana, we're going to fill you full of robot ants.
In this other application... How do you get them the F out of your body after? They just leave.
They come out the way they came in. You're out of here.
We're done, guys. Punch out.
You don't need the music. Whoa their ability to adapt and perform tasks that required the micro robots used centrifugal force for self-throwing propelling themselves over obstacles they're throwing gigantic a swarm of 200 micro robots they're throwing each other into smaller pieces in just 5 seconds despite its high high surface tension.
They then moved the pieces,

joined them back together, and

shaped the metal.

Dude, if these get loose, that's it.

This demonstrated their ability to handle complex

tasks with precision and control.

Let's ask AI.

Well, AI's going to make all that possible.

They'll cut to an actual ant going,

Why do we even try?

This is denoted fake ant person. Well, impossible.
Now, cut to an actual aunt going, why do we even try? Oh, well.

This is denoted fake aunt person.

Why do we even try?

They're all talking.

And then another aunt goes, it's not much, but it's an honest work.

I'll be honest with you.

I'm just an aunt, but I see that and I go, you know, it's all right. What else you got is what I'm saying.
The ants are laying in an alley going, these fucking ant robots are going to take over. That's it.
That's it for us, guys. You see? The question is, do they have a queen bee? Do they have a nest with a queen bee they got no queen best part is they don't they

don't need it the ants like we never needed it we never needed the queen we can do this uh we just gotta get by the way to go full circle you know what a queen bee does all day has sex with a thousand ants oh he does just based on i thought the queen bee was gonna be all talk all talk This is the all talk

All talk

All talk

That's all it was. And everybody's in it.
I'll talk. I'll talk.
I'll talk phase. I think we should end on that, Dana.
Any, any final remarks? I'm going to continue for the next super fly with my all talk. Now I'll have a new one for folks.
And we are, we are looking forward to getting some people some scientists and and different people actually have an idea for a brilliant investor to teach people how to how to really invest in the stock market david sweet heather um greg yeah everybody you're right and uh youtube shorts we put up the new version of trump, which is you going slower. Don't give it away.
That was Trump speaking softly instead of screaming at the big rallies. Yeah, because now he won.
Now he's like, now he can just slow down. And what we're going to do, he talked for a half hour straight in the most abstract way.
It was really entertaining. I recommend it to anybody.
We're looking at a lot of things. You don't want dirty dishes.
You got to do them six times. Sir, will you attack Panama? This, the country of Panama.
I'm not going to rule anything out. I'm not going to rule it out.
I'm not going to. He wants Panama.
He wants the Gulf of America. And he, and he wants even more America, i.e.
Greenland. He should take South America.
They're halfway there. And what would the name be? South America.
No, we'd rename it to America. Lower America? Lower America.
Additional America after the skinny connected

part. America plus

then they can charge you. Oh, I know

it'd be South Central America.

South Central America.

Because we have Central America.

All right. All right.
So we'll figure

it out. Thank you, Dana.
Are you

working tonight? Friday night? Yeah.

Show tonight. Where is it? Is it sold out? Should we plug it? No, it's corporate.
Whoops. That's all right.
It's going to be great. This is one where they don't want me to be dirty.
And then I just saw two employees downstairs and they go, you better be dirty tonight. And I'm like, I can't.
I get in trouble. You never listen to the employees.

I know.

They're like, sorry.

I know, because the audience is not as prudish as the team that's scared of offending them.

That's the irony.

Yeah.

They laugh at you.

But anyway.

All right.

Well.

My banana looks like a dolphin.

Weirdly enough, right now, your lighting is the best it's been during the whole podcast so what is that what was the impression it's like a dolphin oh flipper flipper okay i'll miss you dana i'll see you when i'm back we'll talk just laters this has been a

presentation of Odyssey super fly is executive produced by Dana Carvey and

David Spade Jenna Weiss Berman of Odyssey Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman

hope you liked it