SUPERFLY #46 - SNL COLD OPEN!

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Welcome to another edition of Scooper Fleek.

Of Stupid Fly.

Mm-hmm.

Dana, Dana.

We should have a segment called Fly Swatter, where we just criticize movies and people.

Welcome to Fly Swatter.

Welcome.

We'll take you down, and we're not afraid to take you down we'll spray there you go patrick i just gave a little a face he goes does this count as something good you want to clip the only thing happened to me funny today was i was at crunch gym in new york city and it was 18 degrees out so so the walk was real interesting. My head was swollen up and stuff.
But they go, hey, listen up, listen up, crunchers. There's a voice of God over the whole gym, and he calls us crunchers.
He calls us crunchers. Listen up, you crunchers.
Please put your weights back in a quiet manner. Enjoy it.
All right. Crunchers.
Keep crunching. Keep crunching, crunchers.
I go, who thought of this? But it was awesome. Were you doing crunches at the time? Yes.
I know how to crunch my abs. People like to work out their...
It's nonsensonsensical when people work out they work out their strong muscles and work around their weak muscles so if their back is weak they're doing the lateral they just whip it back with their arms if they're trying to do a stomach crunch they just sit on the thing and they just make their neck go like this and i'm not talking about when i saw you at Crunchers, but you are a Cruncher.

Nestle's is Crunchous.

You would come in back in the day when we were on SNL and do- Prescriptive Fitness.

Yes, and it's the same gym.

Everything's the same.

It's been expanded, but it's the same gym from-

Oh, that's where you go?

Gary Prince.

Yeah, now it's Crunch bought it from Gary Prince, my friend.

For real, that same spot on the way to SNL. Yeah, and all the stairs as he built it out and went up.
But I remember you would come in and you would work your biceps pretty good, which is kind of the show muscles. We don't even need our biceps that much in life compared to our back and shoulders.
Lats, quads, bleeps but you know the nick city dancers worked out there too they let them work out there for free oh yeah i'd always see them then i'd go like this you using these can i work in i want to do some dips yeah that's grab a tron i ran into tonyza in New York coming out of a hotel. Hey.
It was someplace like a workout. So I said, prescriptive fitness.
Tell him I sent you. And he worked out during his Broadway run.
I'm sitting down. Nice.
So let's talk about the show. It was fun last week.
Let's unpack it. But for the people who don't't know next time we'll make that really cut it close oh there you go yell at me in the comments you look you look amazing fucking comments dana you got your jacket your warmest is that your warmest coat in new york no this is my indoor cool guy jacket because i stole it from the the new york magazine thing oh that's where you got it i just walked out with it i go because i've been in stores where i tried a jean jacket and it can go south so fast real it can ride up it can be too short too big weird collar jean jackets are not so i this works so i stole tag was for $98.
I do not shop. I shop Amazon essentials.
I don't care if that's a conflict of interest. Um, with our sponsors, we have to take that all out.
Yep. $59 is my winter.
But you know, if you try something on, on a movie or on a TV show and it fits, you get something that works. You got to take it.
Yeah hopefully fine yeah i mean so so basically for people who didn't know i've been doing some things on snl like biden and stuff and then i always thought it'd be funny if david uh played hunter biden i don't know why this is some reason and so that's what happened last saturday night on friday at noon i was in the cook you know kitchen in my house in la cooking away cooking stew for dinner and then you gave me a heads up said hey i think they're gonna call you i think you're in this cold opening if you want to roll out i think they're gonna say come out and then and then i went to eat at McDonald's, and then Gervis called. Hey, but the quarter pounder down.
You like money? Yeah. Want to go out to SNL? Hey, handsome.
Landscape has changed. All the catchphrases.
Landscape has changed. No one's getting any money out there, by the way.
There's no money left. Not a job.
Oh, no. They don't get those deals.
Don't even. That's all smoke and mirrors.
No, those deals. That's the old deals.'s no money left not a no they don't get those deals don't even that's all smoke and mirrors those deals that's the old deals they don't get those anymore they don't get those you want me to call back see if there's another drop try to get another drop out of them squeeze them i said yeah so i said i should have just said what's the least amount of money i can get for snl because i saw my contract but anyway i i went out so i go home they go he goes can you get on a 330 flight i go well it's one and i'm at mcdonald's i don't think so so i had to scramble to uh and heather rallied and we went out there got in at 1 a.m and then i call you my liaison and said um because all i know is really dan bula i don't even have higgins's number so i said hey uh donna and you said i just rehearsed it we're working on it and then tomorrow we'll do it tomorrow in the evening so okay my my little those 36 hours for me was because normally i come in i do biden and then i rehearse it friday but so i was flying in thursday and then found out when i got off the plane or some church lady i was like holy church of all things yeah holy lady so then um some fans time i put okay who's gonna be in in it you know it's marcello as juan soto the baseball player and it was um uh sarah shermanetz, of course.
And he was Hunter Biden. So they're working backwards trying to figure out what to do.
But then Friday night at midnight, we just ran a really rough draft, just sitting with the writers a little bit on Friday. And then it was a little, needed some work.
Yeah. And I've never been that behind the eight ball when I would do a church chat.

I would start on Tuesday and then work with Bonnie and Terry Turner or others.

And then we go to read through, get a feel for it.

Do another rewrite, another rewrite.

So I was glad it turned out as well as it did.

You were great.

Just had a funny take on Hunter.

So anyway, so then it's Saturday.

I get up early and I'm... So I was glad it turned out as well as it did.
You were great. Just had a funny take on Hunter.

So anyway, so then it's Saturday.

I get up early and I'm writing any joke I can think of to try to insert.

You're just trying to recover.

Tell us from your point of view now, what happened?

So I'm just rotting at the hotel. And then I just say, they'll let me know.

So I walked down 57th and see the big Louis Vuitton building that I thought was a CGI. And then filmed something for my Instagram.
And then they said, oh, we'll send a car. I still haven't read it.
They go, we got to get you a Hunter Biden wig and get you down here and get you a suit. So I went down around 330 or 4 and um saw the old snl i remember this did you just some of the cast was saying where was your dressing room where was adam's where was everybody's compared to what they had that's always fun it's all exactly the same and i had a dressing room next to dana and that's my rudolph had occupied when she was oh yeah Kamala.
So that Kamala and you had a couch in yours. I did not.
I had a couch. Who cares? I don't want to, it didn't matter.
I wasn't paying for it, but I had a snack box or you don't want to call it. And you would walk in about every 45 minutes and grab little chips.
They weren't big chips or whatever you were grabbing. You'd look around, you'd grace without talking and then walk out.
No, you wouldn't say anything. You were rehearsing and I'm like, yeah, I'm just looking at my script.
You know, here's something interesting inside baseball. So I want to get there.
They said, come in at four 30. It's basically dark times squares lit lit up i get in the car i got very very nice

drivers we're gonna have to go around mr kavi so as he's telling me as we're going down toward time square we gotta make a left because it's thousands and thousands of people in the street nice weather saturday he goes look i'll be honest with you if we can't go left here we got to go all the way around, it's going to add one more hour.

One more hour of travel.

Holy fucking shit.

Yeah.

We got to go all the way around it's going to add one more hour one more hour of travel shit yeah we got to go around manhattan and staten island we got to go around so what i did and i never do it and i can hide in plain sight with this mug and this face i put out shut the i didn't i put the window down there was like hundreds of people and i was just hanging out out out the window, looking kind of like this, just going, isn't that special? I want to pump you up and all that stuff. So they started taking pictures and the police woman noticed and I said, can we go? I got to get to Saturday Night Live.
So we were able to go down. Oh my God.
What a great idea. Good Lord.
Face ticket works sometimes. Doesn't always always work face card to the rescue yeah uh i did the same thing i rolled it down i said isn't that special on the front and they said yes mr carby you're back i said i had to run out i'm coming right back in well that helps me a lot if i was dressed as garth i would they would have sent a helicopter for me hey i'd like i'd like to I like to get by now.
I like to go down 51st Street.

It was funny is they had to put, you said that wigs are easy. They put, you know, Jody's very sweet.
She puts the saran wrap over my head. Then they go, it's like they're wrapping a present.
It's just tape, tape, tape. Pushing me down, making me shorter.
You know what I should have had you say? You should have said when I came out, oh, Hunter, you look a little shorter than I remember. And I go, I got the weight of the world.
You didn't look short. I mean, I'm shorter than Hunter probably.
I'm still 5'12". But so anyway tape, tape, tape.
I had maybe 30 straps of tape. And how many pins go right in? Oh, and then it was fucking pins.
The pin store went out of business. It was like.
Oh, yeah. Then they draw lines on your head.
You know, they draw your shape. Then they go make the wig in seconds.
I don't know how they do it. And it's really my hair, but it's blacker, which makes me want to do my hair darker for the movie i kind of like it black and um and then i go and and then they have to pin my little mullet back here up and then they go shave your beard and i go i don't think i can because we're starting but you trimmed it and they said can you trim it i think it was lauren and uh i said you tell lauren i don't fucking work here anymore i that that little fit you threw just just spread all across eight eights crew guys who would spade it upstairs what the fuck you know i saw marcello going what the fuck by the way is it marcello marcello or marshmallow uh that's funny he's so sweet he's a marshmallow Marshmello is a marshmallow he is yeah he's got he's got a great attitude about this show what did you say attitude your words I said attitude, your ears hurt.
Assitude. You have any comment on that? Let me read this back.
You tweeted this. This is a tweet from you.
Can we pull it up? This is a tweet. A tweet.
A tweet. From you.
Your personal verified Instagram. Yeah.
So, it was fun. Go ahead.
And see. What do you mean it was fun?

And so I got my wig.

I got my la, la, la, la.

Then we did it.

You got the suit.

You got the suit.

Then we do a little tighten and brighten.

And then Marcello made fun of me because when I walked off,

I pulled out my cigarettes.

And he goes, don't add stuff.

That wasn't the script.

So funny.

Such a bust.

And he goes, and when he he said you said the laptop adds takes away two inches you said bye-bye and i and i get up and i go maybe three and uh he goes added a line pulled out cigarettes that wasn't the script was that the dress show that was dress yeah that was dress okay so that's that's funny. See, but he can do that.
He noticed that, which was funny. Yeah.
He's good. He's just fun, man.
We got to get him on Suva, whatever our show is called. One of our shows that orientate around an insect.
What about Sarah Sherman looking like Matt Gaetz and terrifying everyone? Well, that's why the look, forget it's Matt Gaetz or anything, just her in that suit. Whatever it is is funny.
Whatever it is. And then she puts her chin down and does the smile with the big forehead.
She's such a fucking twig, too. And then she comes out later and she plays like every girl in every sketch.
She goes, I'm barely in the show at all. I go, you're in 5,000 things.
What are you talking about? I'm barely in the show.

Everyone's got,

I'm not in the show.

It is.

It's true.

We all had it.

I'm hardly in the show.

There is something about a slight woman and she's very cute.

And,

um,

in a suit playing a man.

Cause I've never felt more manly playing a girl.

Well,

that was the meta thing.

I didn't even want to point out. I'm a man playing a woman.
She's a woman playing a man. That never happened before in history.
Even the great Milton Berle never had a meta man, woman, woman, man talking, going toe to toe in that comedy atmosphere. Your words mine let me take another look so mr mayorkas so that we do the dress show so people don't know so the dress show um is pretty loud i mean it's a pretty fun this is the eight o'clock two hour dress show so you do that how what's your comfort level coming off the dress show that's that's why he brought comfort level was i got it fuck i'm gonna crush i said i don't i go to you and also the the writer people i don't remember their names they're very cool and i said uh it's a young lady and there's a young man and i said thanks for putting me in this i said i don't want to be the sketch hog.
This is Dana's sketch. But I said, I actually never do this, but I would like to be in it less.
I said, you were very nice. You gave me a lot.
But if it's just talking, there's not much of a good impression there. I would rather just hit the jokes and not have a big diatribe about Trump or this.
I go, let's just Biden back and forth. I said, let's just get Dana laugh, me laugh, a couple of laughs.
And you've got the cold open. Shouldn't be too long.
So funny, Dana, funny, Sarah is Matt, me, and then Marcello, and then get out, do a little dance. And it turned out it got a little tighter.
I don't know if your stuff got tighter, but might have said the same thing oh no i mean it basically as far as the show inside baseball alert inside baseball so there's a running timeline of the show and what lauren thinks he can keep in the show based on sketches going long or short so probably friday night that that thing was 13 minutes. I'll bet or 14.
Which is an eternity for a show, for TV. And then it gets down to 945 for that dress show, but it needs to be under eight.
Yeah. Still a little chubby.
A little chubby. So there was a lot of trims.
And I look back later.

I always have sketch regret of some of those rhythms.

I would have got into it differently as a church lady.

I was a little bit rusty.

Well, isn't that special?

Well, isn't that special?

Well, I wanted to do that. I wanted to do like a monster voice.

Hello, I'm the church lady and welcome to church chat.

And then go, whoops, I'm sorry. I had a little sweat.
Satan. Get out of here, Satan.
Usually I have a fist fight or I play the drums or some kind of weird thing. We did have the song at the end, which I heard you were harmonizing.
Satan had a good year. Satan had a good year.
So that was twice as long at the dress, and they asked for trims. Oh, Heather was trying to record me, and then she got bored of me, and she just drifted over that one-foot gap and went into your dressing room, and you guys were like, Satan had a good year.
I know. I wish she'd done more of it.
I would have posted. Yeah, here we Oh, there it is.
Look at that. Had a good year.
The election, sure. Oh, I wish you'd gone longer.
And Mike Tyson. I know.
I was a little bit, but I think they made all the great choices and great cuts. No, they did a good job.
We're not saying it was too long on their fault. It's just you put everything in and you usually have a read through to figure stuff out and you know that's what the dress it's not we're not saying it was too long on their fault it's just you put everything in and you usually have read through to figure stuff out and you tighten right we didn't see it till that night and so you know okay now spades and now he's here now so let's see how it all goes now we got the costumes on and uh we got wardrobe and then it's like okay tighten and brighten as i said the cold opening is so important i would say vote to vote to put it in read-through because I know they try to keep it very topical for Friday.
Yeah. But I do think the song, I was happy with the button of the song.
That really was. The time all nine of us were going, saying that, you know, it's very good for the cold opening.
The one thing that you and I tried, and it was just too long and didn't quite work, was your pardon goes retroactive to 2014. So Church Lady starts to quiz you over what you remember.
Do you remember 2014? No. I do not.
2015? No. Not really.
And then finally, 20... 2013, a little blurry.
Yeah, I see colors. What about 2019? I see some colors and shapes.
A little aqua. I see some shapes.
Yeah, some aqua, some purple. I remember pops and noises.
I don't buzz and beeps. If we'd had that, we could have honed it and worked on it, but it didn't quite land.
It was one of the first things we lost. You're hearing the inside baseball the song was cut shorter and because it needed one less church lady dance across and back i wanted to do two you know this the superior i wanted to go bump bump bump bump live from new york instead i went bump bump live from, and I would do, Satan Had a Good Year, then another, and then I'd do this little song.
So I missed that rhythm, but I feel like they made great cuts, and they wrote some great jokes. So I thank you.
It was fun to see, and Heather liked this. Thank you to those guys.
Sorry to cut that off. No, not at all.
And Heather was excited to see like update rehearsing in the hallway or by the dressing room and just see how the whole inner workings. Even I was forgetting how chaotic it is.
Did Heather see the Saturday Night Live movie?

I have to finish it.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, no.

So you saw some of it, and how would you compare that? She has to finish it.

She also has to start it.

I love the movie, and I want to see it again because I told Heather,

go watch it because Jason Reitman meticulously made that exact studio.

Right.

And he tried to get a vibe of the whole history of SNL because it's a,

there's a lot of just hanging out,

you know,

in the end of the day,

there's just a lot of rooms.

It's kind of quiet.

There's wig people coming in,

knocking a lot and there's writers coming in.

So we're going to cut this and cut that.

And so people know with live TV, you do the dress show. You have a lot of things are cut and pasted, which is normal.
So it'll just be on the cards. You don't ever get to really rehearse it, not in specific.
It's, you know, so it's, that's why the live show is exciting. Jason Reitman is on, I think, flying the wall next week to talk about it yes yeah he in 90 minutes was trying to really capture the zeitgeist and the vibe I think it worked because I thought it was extremely fun and interesting yes the chaos that you know yeah Christmas Day he comes out I want to watch the SMA movie so badly now that I've already been oh yeah Heather wants to see the movie now that she's seen the behind the scenes page desk she really liked oh yeah she sat in with notes with Lauren remember I made him say it twice he goes and uh you know he sits there and everyone waits and he goes a little too much blueness.
Don't put up the lights here. What are we waiting? Sarah, look to the camera G on this.
Just like barking it out while everyone's going, huh? And then he goes, David, I believe you're 100 Biden. Yeah, you got the biggest compliment.
I believe you were 100 Biden. And then I go, huh? And he goes, I said, I believe you're a hundred by nine.
But I actually didn't hear him because Sarah was yapping about something. But anyway, I thought Shabluzy was good.
Jacuzzi. The musical guest, his name was Scooby Dooby Doozy.
No, his song is a catchy song. That's a real toe tapper.
That guy was cool. Looks like Derrick Henry.
Big, huge, tough guy. Big guy.
Super nice. But super sweet.
And Paul Mescal, if I do it right, was super enthusiastic, incredibly nice. And I saw him at the after party.
I was chatting a while met his parents um because you left early before the cool stuff happened no i know and he was rock was gonna come and then he had that corporate gig and then i think it went a little sideways so he didn't come and i was i was wiped out because dana had a couch i didn't so I couldn't lay down and rest my beautiful head and my hair. Yeah, but my couch, it's not that comfortable.
It's for goodwill. I may throw together another church chat this week so I can interview Chris Rock.
Another one? Just a quick one, like a quick one where I interview Chris Rock about that corporate date where he stormed off. Well, well, well.
We're getting paid to do a professional performance, but we storm off the stage. What if in his monologue, he sees the cameras and goes, I didn't know there was going to be cameras here.
And then he leaves the monologue. He leaves.
And then Paul Muscala is going to be there this week, by the way. Oh, he is? Yes.
He's going to just hang out this week. So then he goes back and he could go back and host.
If Chris storms off,

it's a double win.

If Chris does storm off,

then Paul will be there.

It's even better.

Uh,

ratings.

So use it.

Calamity.

It's called trending.

Yeah.

I might go.

I might go to watch Chris.

Remember I said,

I was going to,

I told him to come out and then I didn't.

And now I'm thinking of going because a,

it was fun.

And B,

I said,

I was coming that weekend.

And he goes,

Thank you. Yes.
Remember I said I was going to, I told him I'd come out and then I didn't. And now I'm thinking of going because A, it was fun.
And B, I said I was coming that weekend. He goes, so now you're not coming.
I go, well, it's not a knot. I'm just a fragile little dandelion.
And so my throat is still dry, but it'd be fun. It's always fun, even though you're just walking around.
Well, one thing I can tell you, and I don't think you do this, and I won't say who they are, but sometimes I've had friends come this fall to SNL, and they're standing right in my line of sight, like right over my cue cards is their face. You don't want that, right? Chris Rock doesn't want to see you with a big smile.
No, I wouldn't try that the camera you would you're too smart for that Dave no I wouldn't want to I just sit in his dressing room or something but uh I remember the 40th I went out and watched and it was fun because that was just packed with everybody um we we should get to I think we've patted ourselves in the back enough for my two minutes long story people that It was a long story. The people that are interested in Saturday Night Live, I agree.
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I will tell you one cool thing Dana did. You want to hear it? Of course you do.
I don't think I did anything cool. So we're, you know, with a page desk, as you see on TV, our dress rooms, if you're coming out of 8H, to the right is is music and the host to the left is where they make the cue cards and update hangs out and then it's me and you right with those two dress rooms so we're not too far off the stage and they're like 20 minutes till uh dress or air whatever yeah and then i got my wig on and we're just bullshitting and talking and i'm stealing stuff from you and then they go uh and i hear go four minutes to go no they go five minutes to code open and i start to get up and you go you going already and i go well i mean how close do you want to cut it full five minutes yeah we got full five minutes to go and hang out so i was like well i feel we should probably be around or it was maybe four minutes yeah we can hang for two and so we went out there and So I was like, well, I feel we should probably be around her.
It was maybe four minutes. We can hang for two.
And so we went out there and then I was like nervous. And, but it worked out.
Well, that's Jenna, by the way, Jenna, who does all those casts, cast to the hallway in 90 seconds. Everything has time in it.
Even if you're not really nervous, it's just a sense memory. It makes you nervous about 10 minutes till you're going to go online.
30 seconds till we go to Jifluzy. Go, go, go.
And then they're finally just pushing you to go shake Lauren's hand, Lauren Michaels' hand. Oh, yeah.
You walk in and it's like a basketball game. You say hi to the coach.
Number 32, playing Hunter Biden, Don Spirito. David Spadoado yeah yeah i didn't want to give it away that i was in there because people figured out usually when you're in

the sketch they go oh i see the crowd go like this oh it's this fucking guy i thought he was

he wasn't on the show anymore but guess what here's my last comment about that night so even

with me when you came out you had the beard kind of dark whatever you did with the beard you had

the hair and you had the suit on i i thought to myself, yeah, he looks really good. And then Paula, my wife, unsolicited said, David looked very handsome on that sketch.
So I'm sure you saw the comments. You mean I went on and liked them all? No, I did like it when I said that.
While you were taking a bath?

I said I joined YouTube just so I could give it a thumbs up.

But it is always a cool look.

The suit fit perfect.

The hair's back.

Listen, and I was looking serious.

I wasn't acting too goofy.

I could have gone a little bigger with it,

but no one even knows what he sounds like.

He never talks.

He's always right to remain silent.

I understand.

It was fine. We got laughs.
We got out. Oh, super fun.
People enjoyed it. All right, let's go to the tape.
Anything this week. Oh, there's a funny one I was going to show you.
Oh, yeah, this girl. Now, let's hear what she says first.
This is a new niche. Here's a woman.
Let's just hear it. Y'all, I just farted for the first time ever and sold it for six days.
I knew you'd like this. All I had to do was toot into a bottle.
It was so stinky. I know he's going to love it.
Follow for more? This isn't a joke, Dana. I like the first comment.
I don't belong on earth anymore. Bro.
I don't belong on this podcast anymore. Look, it's sad part is this isn't fake anymore.
Why would someone buy a fart in a jar asking for a friend? That's all funny. Farts in jars, I guess, big biz.
Humans have way too much free time. The robots are doing all the work.
And money. My God, the monetization.
You know what? Guess what? Robots can't fart. That's the big hook, I guess.
That's the last thing they'll take from us. Elon went like this right now.
Wait. That's a challenge.
I'm dog mega. You're going to have my farting robots.
Farting robots. Tesla goes up another billion when they introduce farting robots.
By the way, he touched 400 billion. He went over 400 billion.
He nicked it. Look at the top of the screen.
And maybe he's up to 450 billion. Doc Meg, I'm basically a half trillion.
He's going to land on his feet. Good for him.
So I think these girls are farting a jar. What a good part-time job if you work at like Lady Foot Locker and you want to make some extra cash.
All you need is a canopy. And who's buying the jar? Dard eyes.
I don't know. They don't find the people.
Is it one particular person who's buying these jars? Remember that room you wouldn't show me in your house? Yeah. No, I'm the one that does the farting in them it's like cameo it's the new thing you know she farts in the jar first of all way too upbeat about it what happened to being embarrassed people be embarrassed a little bit shame if i was can i say something and you try to top me what is the most sort of kid-like but fun way to talk about that activity?

I'm going to nominate a Windy Pop.

They Windy Pop into the jar.

Oh, I see.

Windy Pop is kind of, but I don't like the other word.

I like Windy Pop.

Heather?

Come with me as I Windy Pop into this jar and sell it to some per some pervert in wisconsin people go what the hell is a windy pop i like the wife going babe why what's a windy pop and why did you order 200 of them does heather know what a windy pop is no she's figuring it out i think well anyway this lady is skipping along and the music is funny she's skipping into like you know mailboxes etc and she's tapes up her windy pop she puts an address it's like a whole shenanigans it's it's so weird and then she's like that's a wrap today I worked now i'm gonna take five and relax yeah how do you know when you're working when i hear this sound it's a car i don't know nascar windy pop the guy she goes, this guy requested a bubbler. That's a little more.
Has any podcast ever literally, can we get canceled on? I mean, can they get canceled in the middle of an episode? For being too stupid. Let's go on to our second one.
Yeah, let's go. Sorry, we did enough.
No, that was a good one. Okay, here we are.
No, here we're in the same. This is what it says.
Should I say it? Yeah, you read it. Only Fans model Sophie Rain says she's a Christian and a virgin.
Don't have to give yourself up to everyone. Okay.
How about anyone? Yeah. But she's the one that's 20 that she said, I like they always reveal to puff up, but she made 40 million last year.
So my shock to this reading it is, I feel like it's one or the other. Are you an OnlyFans model or are you a virgin? Maybe it's true, but I thought they do P-O-R-N.
I thought so. I thought they did corn.
But I don't know if they do corn. Right.
Only Fans is not I guess she's flirtatious and friendly. It's just Instagram.
In my head, what is different? If you're not doing well... Well, I know that it's more built economically for venmo or subscription based like if you can get fit say you get a million horny men globally the digital digital audience is five billion in aggregate potential for her you get a million horny men that just like you want you to be their surrogate girlfriend and they pay you a million a month now what is that per year david that's uh two million twelve twelve million here's the other thing in olden days the tribal elder the grandpa of the tribe was 28 people were having kids at eight nine and ten so nobody was a virgin at 20 that'd be grandma grandma you know already had two batches of kids so but in today's sexed up crazy sexed up crazy 20 year old virgin nation steve carell is half has to remake the 40 year old virgin into how funny it is that he's a 20 year old virgin that's how 20's how decadent this world is.
20-year-old virgin is funny.

That is funny.

And you think in this biz, like Catch Me Outside, girl,

who, of course, I'm business acquaintances with.

I did a video with her.

Catch Me Outside.

I always have to say, not to be rude, I was shocked it wasn't either full nudity or full corn

because what is everyone paying for?

Just, hey, here's me. I'm going to the Grove and hang out at the mall.
She's just sort of friendly and stuff. Yeah.
I mean, she's perfectly cute. This girl's perfectly attractive, but 43, 43 million on her first year.
That, that blows my 12 million. We are definitely in the wrong business.
100% in the wrong business. Okay, moving on.

Seems like a lovely lady. It's a good wrap up.
But she seems great. Yeah.
Good for her. Seems cool.
Good for her. It takes, it's hard for me to make half that much.
Oh, this is a big story. Your girl, Hawk Tui.
Yeah. I call her Hawk Tui.
I guess it's Hawk T toa because uh church lady said instead of instead of worshiping hawk toa you should go go to a go to a church go to a church it was a tough line you should go to a church that was good i like that phrasing she did i didn't even know you could do this she launched a bitcoin about herself i don't know i know you could do this why aren't we doing this dana and then rugged it it doesn't mean rigged i think rugged it is when you pull the rug out so she did a see that little chart she does a hawk tooey some sort of crypto alt horseshit and then she puts it out to her friends it starts to go up god knows why save us and then someone buys it why on god's green earth and then they pulled they sell and so it's just a typical you buy a hock to eat oh you get stuck with your taking your hand now yeah there might be somewhere that I don't know. Does she hawk too on each coin? That would make it worth more.
She goes like this. It's a genuine.
There you go. There's one.
Package it up. That won't be gross.
But I don't know how this works. She seems like a lovely lady.
And Bitcoins are like fake air. So there's not really physical ones to do that too.
but I don't know how this works. She seems like a lovely lady and Bitcoins are like fake air

so there's not really physical ones to do that to

but I do

and they say she ripped everyone off.

I feel like she gets

I heard a phone call between all these people

online

and they were all talking with real

Bitcoin sharks

and the guys that rep her that are part of it

I think they probably just said hey do this with us you'll make money and meanwhile they don't know what she doesn't know what they're going to do and they just do because they're talking about all this lingo back and forth and arguing one guy saying oh you ripped everyone off she and they're like no this is blah blah and they i was like oh these guys know i i love this new world i i can't wrap my mind around it. It's just, you know, remember when it was ETFs.
Didn't Justin Bieber buy like a smiley face? Oh, yeah. NFT.
For like NFT for $3 million. Well, ladies and gentlemen, what happened to ETFs? I know what I'm saying.
Now, who would ever believe that a monkey wearing sunglasses in a photograph wasn't going to be worth 80 million dollars a digital picture of a picture it's a giraffe on a skateboard and he snapped it up i paid 11 million dollars and somehow went down to $80. And then the giraffe on rollerblades went for $1.50.
And it was cooler than what I paid $11. So I don't know what to say.
We have a theme on the show. We have SNL behind the scenes.
And now we have digitization of monetization of sexuality and absurdity. Rock Tui is going to be a billionaire.

That was a good way to put it.

Thank you.

You know what?

We should tell Chris to be Chris Rock Tui.

All right.

What about-

Chris Rock, if that's his real name,

it is a great name.

Chris Rock.

Chris Rock is.

He said it once at SNL.

He goes, Rock and Spade.

People think we made them both up.

For showbiz, I go, why would I make it up? I would never think i'd be in showbiz i got i just got lucky my dad gave me a name and took off but he did do gave me a good name okay so we should talk about the uh the killer luigi the guy with the ceo it's such a huge story this week i think you guys will probably do something you know email emil he should play that kid yeah he could he should play him or one of the menendez brothers just without going too dark just it occurred to me occurred to me so he maybe makes a a play gun he 3d models a gun hey he's always so he knows that he's a he's a yale grad or he's a brilliant guy and he he knows he has probably i'm gonna say top five globally of intensity of eyebrows so he knows cameras are in the starbucks and so there's a picture of those eyebrows and he's a man on the run. Yeah.
Usually when people, usually when people are on the run, they get into a cheap motel and they shave what look, so you shave the eyebrows off. Yeah, the giveaway.
You're right. You put glasses on, dye your hair red or something.
But he's hanging out there. So my question is, did the young man want to get caught? Right.
He should have called you because he could have shaved his eyebrows off and then drawn on little skinny ones like. Yeah.
And then wore glasses. You know, the cashier del Pollo Loco.
And also wore a fake beard. Fake beard beforehand.
He could have put on my Hunter Biden wig. He also, you know, he looks a little like.
Oh, I can't say. But I think, by the way, every girl's in love with this killer because he's good looking.
Good looking always wins. It just gets you out to be a killer and he's getting more clicks on Tinder.
Well, it was weird. There was a strath of humanity that did a Robin Hood deal on him.
Like, he's justified It's, it's a Robin Hood move. That's a little, a little bit too far for me.
It's a bit of a stretch because if you're allowed to kill people, you don't like, of course, I mean, you are judge, jury and executioner. Just, you decided you, I mean, if it works both ways, if you can just always just go around and kill people that are.
Yes, Heather. Is he trying to get healthcare in prison? Oh, that's Heather's theory is he's trying to, Heather's asking if he's trying to get healthcare in prison.
I'll see if Dana knows this answer. Is he trying to get healthcare in prison? Like he couldn't get it.
They said he hurt his back. Uh huh.
And he couldn't get healthcare. And so he's trying to get in prison.
There's a news story just out that his family owns nursing homes and they're under the gun for ripping people off. I'm like, wait a second.
That doesn't make any sense. Right.
There's a whole lot of ripping off going on. Because he's supposed to be robin yeah but the other thing is was it too easy to catch him that is a good question we got caterpillar or a double triple caterpillar eyebrows and you're just going around here with the eye you know how many times eugene levy got called in they spotted him around they spotted Eugene Levy had to go into hiding.
But I would say they could have an eyebrow off for charity before they put him in prison. An eyebrow off.
They could sell his eyebrow hairs to women and make them. But they released the call of the elderly lady at the McDonald's.
Hi, I think I know who the killer is. He's sitting right over there with triple caterpillar eyes i swear to jesus that's your man and the cops that's that's right and he had one picture like the best picture he's taken his life he's got the hood on he's smiling crooked and every girl's like fucking you know splash mountain you know i'm saying there wasn't a dry seat in the house yeah you.
You know what I mean? It was like Katrina down there. You know what I mean? That's not true.
Women don't like evil. Every girl on TikTok is like, how can I date this guy? It was the please fuck me killer.
And all they cared about was how good looking he was. And I'm like, this is, you shot someone.
They always skipped that. I don't think, well, I guess.
Well, he let it, the gentleman, I don't want to say his name, but he, he also had like Superman abs. So it's Caterpillar, triple Caterpillars, and then, you know, basically Superman abs that he conveniently takes a picture of.
Washboard. Yeah.
And then he was, and he was like super smart. So that's a set of washboard yeah and then he was um and he was like super smart so that's a that's a sex trap for women yeah but he also on his manifesto i like he's the girls are like getting a little less horny when he's too similar to the unabomber they're like oh and he has a manifesto that always looks good on the res um i have a manifesto.
And one of them was, he said, should I just bomb this whole convention of these bean counters where the CEO was going? So if he did that, I think they'd be like, nah, that's a little too far. Well, when does just a public note become a manifesto? What are the rules? I mean, you went to state school.
What's the definition, Web definition of a manifesto sir i give it to you right now you have 10 seconds it's a big word and uh you know i'm gonna tell you tell me what it means i'll tell you if you're right yeah that's better i guess uh just in the modern times modern parlance you know we're not it's it's someone who wants to reorientate society with a public statement and the manifesto will include what is wrong with the current society and what should be changed right here's how we get a couple easy fixes i think you're right i you're right. Usually they try to keep it to under 600 pages.

You can't make it too long because no one's going to read it.

You know what I mean?

If I send Sandler a text, it's over a paragraph.

He's not reading it.

You know what I mean?

You got to be kind of.

So manifesto feels like it's got to be long.

It doesn't have to be.

Not in the YouTube or Instagram age.

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Which reminds me, TikToks are getting long.

Oh, let's talk about also the space orbs over New Jersey.

Have you seen them?

I have.

I mean, I've not seen them.

I haven't gone on the roof of the hotel and looked out toward New Jersey.

It's too cold. It's too damn cold.
I should have done it during the heat wave in late September. I guess aliens aren't that cold.
Well, what is the theory? What are they? What the fuck? What do we pay taxes for? Orbs. From where? Orbs.
No, they are just, you know, it's just orbs. I like how everyone says orbs like anyone knows what that is.
But there's a congressman that thinks it's from the Iranian mothership is releasing them, but not explaining what. You know, you know, has motherships UFOs, not frickin Iran.
Yeah. Not a small mid-easter country does not have a mothership.
That's's star trek i feel like my real one is there's a mothership alien ship under the ocean and they shoot out because there's so many out of the ocean and it's so much closer than marsh wants to fly that whole way it's like pop out of the ocean beep pop boop you're right here you're in new york if it's something to do with the mothership comedy club in austin i'm not the first oh maybe that's it that's a great ad if it is joe rogan might be doing this as sort of a comedy uh meta sort of public you know like a david blaine thing you know right like a kill tony promotion kill tony and i do think it's real um i do think it's spacious because even the mayors even the governors like we we're trying to find we don't know what is we fly planes up there we can't catch them they fly away so what do we have good high-tech video of the plane the jet chasing them do we have that on to look at and they got a close-up of the pilot going this slow down because every time i mean we have these three-dimensional incredible cameras can see the moon and 3D color. And every time it's UFO, it's like a greeny, black and white.
And the camera's going like this. It's like a camcorder from the 80s.
I call bullshit. We got to get Dr.
Stephen Greer. Greer.
I'm calling a challenge to him. Let's get him on next week.
Come back on Superfly and tell us what the hell is going on over the skies of New Jersey. I think he's going to say they're ours or summer hours, but I think we do not want to keep shooting them down.
Do you really want to trifle with these? Well, I don't know. I mean, I see things that other people don't see.
So I looked at the picture and I sort of just with my finger just sort of spelled, you know the the spaceship dots right and it said dr greer phone home and i don't know if i that's real but that's what the words that i saw spilled in the in the new jersey sky can you sing a song called the new jersey sky i talk about et my new special. I talk about all the hot subjects.
Going back to 82? What the fuck? Yeah, I don't know. No, it doesn't matter.
Louis C.K. had an incredible bit about Good Will Hunting last year.
And I thought, wow, that's cool. Oh, he's funny.
I'm going to do more movie reviews on my special. Okay, what about the...
Oh, I won't talk about Jamie Foxx. Okay.
Do the next one. Let's see what the next one is.
Jim. Okay.
Brooklyn's first luxury building for dinks starts leasing. Childless renters have mixed feelings.
Okay. A dink is what? It must be couples without kids.
Something no kids. What does it spell? Did I not kids? Oh, dual income, no kids.
Oh, dual income, no kids. Okay.
So there's a 13-story high-rise on 655 Union Street. That's by you in Brooklyn.
Uh-huh. So are you allowed to say no kids when you sell something? That's a really good question.
Legally, I wonder if you can do it. You know, a wink and a nod, maybe you could do it.
Like, this is kind of for, you know, people with two incomes, no children, and not even a dog are just called happy people with a lot of freedom. They're just called people with no problems.
People are just like trying to think of what's fun thing to do right now. But love kids and love dogs.
I don't know. I want you to follow up on this story.
No, what if you get knocked up while you're in there dinking it up? And then what do you do? You get kicked out club well this was made famous by jimmy durani in 1951 he would he would say i think let's look at a clip a dink a dink a dink a dink a dink a dink a dink a dink he did you can find it jimmy that's great panther was i know the the melody was off but he was a rough voice crooner A funny comedian named Jimmy Durante Look it up A dink, a dink And that's how he would sing And he would say dink Did he say dink? My memory, my old memory Says he said a dink, a dink And then he went on to A dink Okay Okay, keep going. Let's see the next one.
Anyway, just one of no person happy. Okay.
Alright, President Trump manhandles French President. Trump manhandles French President Emmanuel Macron with one of the most dominating handshakes I've ever seen.
That's the funniest thing. It's him.
Take that, you motherfucker. Oh, and his elbow is up and everything? Oh, way up like this.
What? Hysterical. Shoulder-wise.
Don Trump. He just threw out his clavicle.
Donald Trump, look at my shoulders. I can pull on your dinky shoulders any day.
You're a dink. A dink.
You're totally a dinky dinky. He got He has He pulls up his shoulders Then he has an extra padded shoulder pad He's like this Well he's got He's a Batman villain In like a long penguin coat That's hilarious He's going around Gotham City With a big orange hair You know He presents with the lifts And the thing He's like 6'5 With this giant head He pulled McC, McCrone's about our size.
And he just pulled his. He's 5'3, weighs 99.
He pulled him up with his shoulder. That's like a hard move for his age.
I hate to say it's kind of a dick move. It just makes everyone look like a pussy.
And it's so, and you see it coming. It's usually the corkscrew.
He goes in. And then gives him the saw.
Yeah, that's tough because the guy's like, oh. He says, Dude, the rest of the meeting, the guy's like this.
What? Yeah. Yeah, go ahead.
He's the leader of one of the greatest countries in the world, France, Paris. He's like, I am feeling so little right now.
I can't believe those giant. And they say Trump has little hands, but not to Macron.
He's got French hands. That's like a Theo Vaughn kind of observation.
I figure like French people have little hands.

It doesn't make sense.

Like a little raccoon.

Like a little raccoon, a little French.

Raccoons are French.

You know where I say that?

The way they speak.

All right, next one.

I want another handshake one.

Okay, here we go.

That was funny though. Okay, well, this is a slap off.

This is Dana White's.

I think it's Dana White's.

Who else is slapping? Slapped show i know what what happened that's not by the way is it if your ear comes off he's got a fake ear i say fake yeah he's got a fake ear. I saw.
Fake, yeah. He's got a fake ear,

but it's a prosthetic.

But why are you getting hit on the side with the ear?

And why? To get this fly off thing.

This is a...

That tattoo is pretty cool. I have to say

everything's cool

about it. And per the theme

of our little show today, he's going to monetize got hawk tooey girl he can be ear gone guy and he's gonna have a million digital followers and just talk about dude i have to say if your ear i would want it to stick on at all times like don't hit it as hard as you can you're in the wrong biz dude go into farts in a jar actually there's another story i didn't tell you about because it's all a little little you know base for you as my dad would say i'll go there but there's an only fans girl that i saw today in the paper she's feeling slight regret after breaking the record of sleeping with 100 guys in one day. 100 folks.
And she goes, I cried after. Obviously, I would cry during.
And then she said, but I am going to try to go for 1,000. I'm sorry.
So I don't even know how it works. Mental health is an issue today in America.
It's at an all-time low. we've got issues as a society, way too much free time, but yeah, I don't know.
I just think it's, I saw that story too. And it's another attention getting, like, it's a great way to get, you got to get people to your only fans.
Like I was saying the other day, and this is a bad example, but I saw this thing on the Dodo, this Instagram where it's like a dog is out like at a carnival or something or it's out you know and then someone sees it at a ski resort and goes oh my god is this dog alone and then they take it and give it and you know the dogs in the shelter are going just do it the right way i'm doing it the right way i'm in a shelter this dog goes out in some weird spot and then gets all the attention of course gets adopted right away i'm trying to do it by the book i go to the shelter i wait i sit in a little square i act cute no so that's the only fans girl they're just there's just a diamond there's a lot of them not to under well i'm gonna make an announcement there's a lot of them and then they go i'm gonna be different i'm gonna fuck i'm gonna do whatever she's different she's fucked 100 guys different I caught my attention. I'm going to be different.
I'm going to do whatever. She's different.
She's about a hundred guys. Different.
I caught my attention. I'm going to say this phrase for 24 hours with maybe just two bathroom breaks.
Horn dog. How about a hot dog? And I'm going to say horn dog.
How about a hot dog over and over again for a record for 24 hours and see if I can monetize that. Well, if you would go on Twitch or some sort of live stream and say, just send me money and I'll keep saying it.
And then people would, we got to do something like this. Well, it's cameo, cameo, but they only give you 150 bucks.
If you do a, you know, an advertisement for, you know, Leo's, uh, used car dealership in Des Moines you know hey this is david spade hey buddy i know we would never do that meanwhile in about five seconds we're going to read an ad we would never sell out never we sell anyway here's a word from our sponsor here we go bob our friends that's they are okay whatonsors are our friends. They are.
Okay, what's next? We're almost done, but what's next? Let's see. We really covered a lot, Dana.
I know. Really excited.
Oh, this young lady does a bunch of trick shots, and I think they're all pretty good. I think we saw her before, right? Okay, more tricks.
10 hardest trick shots for World Trick Shot Day. Number 10.
That's hard to do. To hit it with a baseball bat? I mean, put the number of misses.
I know. Look at that trick.
Number seven. I couldn't do literally one of these.
Is there one you could maybe do? Not that one. Too hard.
Maybe a thousand tries. I don't know.
Number six. Maybe this one I could do.
But even one is. I can maybe do that.
Number five. I made a drop kick half court shot.
No joke. Oh, it's like a bunt.
She is strong. She barely...
She's got a lot of coordination. She has the same reaction.
I think we should mix up the reactions for her. Golf.
With a... Golf.
Okay. Yes, let's go! Number two.
We're going. She keeps saying, let's go.
We're going. Great.
And that. I couldn't do the first.
I can do the first one. Number one.
Okay. I'm blindfolded in this shot.
Let's go! My mouth! It looked like she more had a mask on her mouth. What they don't tell you is she started that segment in 2017 and she finally hit them through the power of editing.
No, she's got an actual coordination. She does look good when she does it.
If you're a trick shotter and that's your biz. You get used to it.
And now there's AI. Now there's AI.
So people just go yawn. No one knows if it's original.
No one knows if anything's original. All we can say is, are you not entertained? And I was entertained because of her celebration.
I look at fishes in the ocean. I was actually going to show you some today.
These fishes that when they're like, we went to the bottom of the sea, where the fish have no light. It's like prehistoric.
And of course, there's shining a light on them. The fish is like, and then they go, never seen light.
They're in light as we speak. And then they're the most scariest looking fish, large mouth lunker bass.
And then some have teeth. And then someone in the comments on one, I keep liking these and I keep seeing more.
And then someone goes, oh, i think these on this one are ai and i go

i remember as a kid watching jacques oh you remember jacques the fish in the sea and it'd be at the bottom of the sea and there'd be this thing like it's a half inch long and it's got antenna and a big bug eye and all it it's a whole existence just at the bottom it lives in a little area.

It's like,

even as a kid,

I would think to myself,

what is the point?

I,

I, whole existence just at the bottom. It lives in a little area.
It's like, even as a kid, I would think to myself, what is the point? Why are you living? You look ugly. You're just, you're not, there's no fun.
You're like, and then he goes, I think I'll have kids. Sometimes he goes, you want another one of these? Then it looks over at a little shell

For an hour and then it goes back

Looks at a rock

So boring in the bottom of the ocean

What is the point of that existence?

No, I would not do that

You could monetize that shit today though

If you just showed me the bottom of the ocean

And the fishes that float by

And I would just

Be mesmerized

The ones that are like three inches long

Seem like behemoths

Did I send some?

I'll see you next time. And the fishes that float by and go, and I would just be mesmerized.

The ones that are like three inches long seem like behemoths.

Oh, did I send some?

All right.

You go off and I'll hit you later.

Thank you, audience.

Thank you for.

Oh, yeah.

Come see me and Dana at Fantasy Springs and Palm Springs.

We're going to do a gig in March. Let's pump that thing, man.

I want that thing.

Pump it up.

I want that thing clean.

It's filling up.

I want that to go clean.

Yeah, we're going to bring it.

We're going to do Q&A.

We're going to be right back. Let's pump that thing, man.
I want that thing clean. It's filling up.

I want that to go clean.

Yeah, we're going to bring it.

We're going to do Q&A.

We're going to do stand-up.

Yeah.

All right.

Bye, guys.

This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly.

It's executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade,

Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman.