SUPERFLY #46 - SNL COLD OPEN!

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep

Speaker 1 coming.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 4 You know, when it gets colder, I always fall in the same trap. Heavy meals, too much takeout.
And suddenly I'm like, why do my jeans hate me?

Speaker 1 I know. Yeah, me too.
I mean, I'll open the fridge in December and it's like half a pizza and an orange from 1997. Not a lot of healthy options, David.
But here's the thing.

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Speaker 4 Yeah, it's not just about eating better. It's about time.
I'd rather spend 30 minutes working on a bit for my hilarious act than 30 minutes staring into my oven going, is this thing even on?

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 This is that one little thing that keeps you sane during the cold months. No stress, no junk, just done.

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All right.

Speaker 4 That's forkfulmeals.com, code POD50.

Speaker 4 That's Pod50. Seriously, don't wait.
Your future self will thank you.

Speaker 1 Yes. Thank you for not feeding me the leftover lasagna for the 12th time.

Speaker 1 Wow, you locked in, and we are recording. Welcome to another edition of Scooper Fleek.

Speaker 4 Of stupid fly.

Speaker 4 Dana, Dana.

Speaker 1 We should have a segment called Fly Swatter, where we just criticize movies and people.

Speaker 1 Welcome to Fly Swatter.

Speaker 4 Welcome.

Speaker 1 We'll take you down. We're not afraid to take you down.

Speaker 4 We'll spray you.

Speaker 1 There you go, Patrick.

Speaker 1 I just gave him a little a face.

Speaker 4 He goes, does this count as something good? You want to clip?

Speaker 1 The only thing that happened to me funny today was I was at Crunch Gym in New York City, and it was 18 degrees out. So it was the walk was real interesting.
My head was swollen up and stuff. But

Speaker 1 they go, hey. Hey, listen up.
Listen up, Crunchers. There's a voice of God over the whole gym and he calls us crunchers.
He calls us crunchers. Listen up,

Speaker 1 you crunchers.

Speaker 1 Please put your weights back in a quiet manner. Enjoy it.
All right.

Speaker 1 Crunchers.

Speaker 4 Keep crunching.

Speaker 1 Keep crunching, crunchers. I go, who thought of this? But it was awesome.

Speaker 4 Were you doing crunches at the time?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 I know how to crunch my abs.

Speaker 1 People like to work out their,

Speaker 1 it's nonsensical.

Speaker 1 When people work out, they work out their strong muscles and work around their weak muscles so if their back is weak they're doing the lab corner they just whip it back with their arms if they're trying to do a stomach crunch they just sit on the thing and they just make their neck go like this and i'm not talking about when i saw you at crunchers but you are a cruncher

Speaker 1 nestle's is crunches you would come in back in the day when we were on on snl prescriptive fitness yes and it's the same gym everything's the same it's been expanded but it's the same gym from uh Oh, that's where you go?

Speaker 1 Gary Prince. Yeah, now it's Crunch bought it from Gary Prince, my friend.
God rest his soul.

Speaker 4 For real, that same spot on the way out.

Speaker 1 And the stairs as he built it out and went up. But I remember you would come in and you would work your biceps pretty good,

Speaker 1 which is kind of the show muscles. We don't even need our biceps that much in life.
No.

Speaker 4 compared to our back and shoulders but lats quads bleeps squeeze but you know the Nick City dancers worked out there too. He let them work out there for free.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 4 So I'd always see them and I'd go like this. You using these?

Speaker 4 Can I work in?

Speaker 4 I want to do some dips.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's Gravitron. I ran into Tony Danza in New York coming out of a hotel.
Hey.

Speaker 1 It was someplace like a workout. So I said, prescriptive fitness.
Tell him I sent you.

Speaker 1 And he worked out during his Broadway run.

Speaker 4 I'm sitting down. Nice.
So let's talk about the show. It was fun last week.

Speaker 1 Let's unpack it.

Speaker 1 But for the people who don't know,

Speaker 4 next time we'll make that really cut it close. Oh, there you go.
People yell at me on the comments.

Speaker 1 You look amazing. Fucking comments.

Speaker 4 Dana, you got your jacket on. Your warmest, is that your warmest coat in New York?

Speaker 1 No, this is my indoor cool guy jacket. Because I stole it from

Speaker 1 the New York magazine thing.

Speaker 4 Oh, that's where you got it.

Speaker 1 I just walked out with it. I go, because I've been in stores where I tried a jean jacket and it can go south so fast.
Oh, really? It can ride up. It can be too short, too big, weird collar.

Speaker 1 Jean jackets are not. So this works.
So I stole it.

Speaker 1 The tag was for $98. I do not shop.
I shop Amazon Essentials. I don't care if that's a conflict of interest.

Speaker 1 With our sponsors.

Speaker 4 We have to take that all out.

Speaker 1 $59 is my winter coat.

Speaker 4 But, you know, if if you try something on a movie or on a TV show and it fits, you get something that works. You got to take it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, hopefully. It's too hard to find.
Yeah. I mean, so basically, for people who didn't know, I've been doing some things on SNL like Biden and stuff.

Speaker 1 And then I always thought it'd be funny if David played Hunter Biden. I don't know why.
Just some reason. And so that's what happened last

Speaker 4 Saturday night. On Friday at noon.
noon.

Speaker 4 I was in the cook, you know, kitchen in my house in LA, cooking away, cooking stew for dinner. And then you gave me a heads up, said, Hey, I think they're going to call you.

Speaker 4 I think you're in this cold opening. If you want to roll out, I think they're going to say, Come out.
And then, and then I went to eat at McDonald's.

Speaker 1 And then Gerwitz called, Hey, put the quarterback down.

Speaker 1 Like money?

Speaker 4 Yeah. You want to go out to SNL?

Speaker 1 Hey, handsome.

Speaker 1 Landscape has changed.

Speaker 4 All the hell he catchphrases.

Speaker 1 Landscape has changed. No one's getting any money out there, by the way.

Speaker 4 There's no money left.

Speaker 1 Not at all. Oh, no.
They don't get those deals, don't even. That's all smoke and mirror.

Speaker 4 No, those deal, that's the old deals. They don't get those anymore.

Speaker 1 They don't get those.

Speaker 4 You want me to call back, see if there's another drop, try to get another drop out of them, squeeze them. I said, yeah.

Speaker 4 So I said, I should have just said, what's the least amount of money I can get for SNL? Cause I saw my contract. But anyway, I

Speaker 4 went out. So I go home.
They go. He goes, can you get on a 330 flight? I go, well, it's one and I'm at McDonald's.
i don't think so

Speaker 4 so i had to scramble to uh and heather rallied and we went out there got in at 1 a.m and then i call you my liaison and said um

Speaker 4 because all i know is really dan bula i don't even have higgins's number so i said hey uh

Speaker 4 donna

Speaker 4 and you said i just rehearsed it

Speaker 1 we're working on it and then tomorrow we'll do it tomorrow in the evening so okay my my little those 36 hours for me was because normally i come in, I do Biden, and then I rehearse it Friday.

Speaker 1 But so I was fine in Thursday and then found out when I got off the plane or something, church lady. I was like, holy church day of all things.
Yeah. Holy lady.
So then

Speaker 1 time I put, okay, who's going to be in it? You know, it was Marcello as Juan Soto, the baseball player. And it was

Speaker 1 Sarah Sherman as Matt Gates, of course. And he was Hunter Biden.
So they're working backwards, trying to figure out what to do. But then

Speaker 1 Friday night at midnight, we just ran a really rough draft just sitting with the writers a little bit on Friday. And then

Speaker 1 it was a little, needed some, needed some

Speaker 1 work. Yeah.
And I've never been that behind the eight ball when I would do a church chat.

Speaker 1 I would start on Tuesday and then work with Bonnie and Terry Turner or, you know, or others. And then we go to read through and

Speaker 1 Do another rewrite, another rewrite. So I was glad it turned out as well as it did.
You were great. Just had a funny take on Hunter.
So, anyway, so then it's Saturday.

Speaker 1 I get up early and I'm writing any joke I can think of to try to insert.

Speaker 1 You're just trying to recover. Tell us from your point of view now, what happened?

Speaker 4 So I'm just rotting at the hotel, and then I just say they'll let me know. So I walk down 57th and see the big Louis Vuitton building that I thought was a CGI

Speaker 4 and then filmed something from Instagram.

Speaker 4 And then they said, oh, we'll send a car. I still haven't read it.
They go, we got to get you a Hunter Biden wig and get you down here and get you a suit. So I went down around 3.30 or 4 and

Speaker 4 saw the old SNL.

Speaker 4 I remember this. Did you just some of the cast was saying, where was your dressing room? Where was Adams? Where was everybody's compared to what they had? That's always fun.
It's all exactly the same.

Speaker 4 And I had a dressing room next to Dana and that Maya Rudolph had occupied when she was doing

Speaker 1 Kamala.

Speaker 4 So that name. Kamala.
And you had a couch in yours. I did not.

Speaker 1 I had a couch.

Speaker 4 Who cares?

Speaker 1 I don't want to, it didn't matter. I wasn't paying for it, but I had a snack

Speaker 1 box or what you want to call it. And you would walk in about every 45 minutes and grab little chips.
They weren't big chips or whatever you were grabbing.

Speaker 1 You'd look around, you'd graze without talking and then walk out. No, you wouldn't say anything.

Speaker 1 You were rehearsing, and I'm like, Yeah, I'm just looking at my script. You know, here's something interesting inside baseball.
So I want to get there. They said, Come in at 4:30.
It's basically dark.

Speaker 1 Times Square is lit up. I get in the car.
I got very, very nice drivers. We're going to have to go around, Mr.
Cave.

Speaker 1 So, as he's telling me, as we're going down toward Times Square, we got to make a left because it's thousands and thousands of people in the street. Nice weather Saturday.

Speaker 1 He goes, look, I'll be honest with you. If we can't go left here, we got to go all the way around, it's going to add one more hour.

Speaker 1 One more hour attractive.

Speaker 3 Fucking shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 We got to go around Manhattan and Staten Island.

Speaker 1 We got to go around. So what I did, and I never do it, and I can hide in plain sight with this mug and this face.
I put it out on it.

Speaker 4 Out.

Speaker 1 Shut the fuck up. I didn't.
I put the window down. There was like hundreds of people, and I was just hanging out out the window, looking kind of like this, and just going, isn't that special?

Speaker 1 I want to pump you up and all that stuff. So they started taking pictures and the police woman noticed and I said, can we go? I got to get to Saturday Night Live.
So we were able to go down.

Speaker 4 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 That's a great idea.

Speaker 1 Good lord, what a ticket works sometimes. Doesn't always work.

Speaker 4 Face card to the rescue. Yeah.

Speaker 4 I did the same thing. I rolled it down.
I said, isn't that special on the front? And they said, yes, Mr. Carvey, you're back.
I said, I had to run out. I'm coming right back in.

Speaker 1 Well, that helps me a lot. If I was dressed as Garth, they would have sent a helicopter for me.
Hey, I'd like to get by now.

Speaker 1 I'd like to go down 51st Street.

Speaker 4 What was funny is they had to put, you said that

Speaker 4 wigs are easy. They put, you know, Jody's very sweet.
She puts the saran wrap over my head. And then they go, quick, quick.
It's like they're wrapping a present.

Speaker 4 It's just tape, tape, tape,

Speaker 4 pushing me down, making me shorter. You know what I should have had you say? You should have said when I came out, oh, Hunter, you look a little shorter.

Speaker 4 I remember and I go, I got the weight of the world on me.

Speaker 1 You didn't look short.

Speaker 4 I mean, I'm shorter than Hunter, probably. I'm still 5'12, but so anyway, tape, tape, tape.
I had maybe 30 straps of tape.

Speaker 1 And how many pins go right in?

Speaker 4 Oh, and then it was fucking the pin store went out of business. It was like, oh, yeah.
Then they draw lines around your head. You know, they draw your shape.
Then they go make the wig in seconds.

Speaker 4 I don't know how they do it.

Speaker 4 And it's really my hair, but it's blacker, which makes me want to do my hair darker for the movie. I kind of like it black.
And,

Speaker 4 and then I go and, and then they have to pin my little mullet back here up.

Speaker 4 And then they go, shave your beard. And I go, I don't think I can because we're starting

Speaker 1 it.

Speaker 4 And they said, can you trim it? I think it was Lauren. And

Speaker 4 I said, you tell Lauren, I don't fucking work here anymore.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 that little fit you threw just spread all across 8-8s. Crew guys eat who would spade that upstairs? What the fuck?

Speaker 4 I saw Marcello going, what the fuck? By the way, is it Marcelo, Marcello, or Marshmello?

Speaker 1 That's funny. He's so sweet.
He's a marshmallow. Marshmello, but he is

Speaker 1 Marcello. He is.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's got, he's, he's, uh, he, he's got

Speaker 1 a great attitude about this show.

Speaker 4 Great ass? What did you say?

Speaker 1 Attitude. Oh, he's got good flowers.
Your words, not mine. Now, when I say attitude, your ears hurt attitude.
You have any comment on that?

Speaker 4 Let me read this back. You tweeted this.
This is a tweet from you. Can we pull it up?

Speaker 1 This is a toeet.

Speaker 4 That's a toeet.

Speaker 1 A toeet.

Speaker 4 From you.

Speaker 4 Your personal verified Instagram. Yeah.

Speaker 4 So it was fun

Speaker 1 and see. What do you mean?

Speaker 4 So I got my wig. I got my la.

Speaker 1 then we did it got the suit i got the suit

Speaker 4 then we do a little tighten and brighten

Speaker 4 and then uh marcello made fun of me because when i walked off i pulled out my cigarettes and he goes don't add stuff that wasn't the script

Speaker 4 such a bust and he goes and when he said you said the laptop adds takes away two inches you said bye-bye and i and i get up and i go maybe three and uh he goes added a line pulled out cigarettes that wasn't the script was that the dress show

Speaker 1 that was dress yeah that was dress okay

Speaker 1 so that's funny see that but he can he can do that he noticed that which was funny yeah he's good he's he's uh he's just fun man we got to get him on

Speaker 1 whatever our show was called one of our one of our shows that orientate around an insect what what about sarah sherman looking like matt gates and terrifying everyone well that's why the look i don't you forget it's matt gates or anything just her in that suit, whatever it is.

Speaker 1 It's funny. Whatever it is, it's just, and then she puts her chin down and does the smile with a big forehead.

Speaker 4 She's such a fucking twig, too. And then she comes out later and she plays like every girl in every sketch.

Speaker 1 She goes, I'm barely in the show at all. I go, you're in 5,000 things.
What are you talking about? I'm barely in the show.

Speaker 4 Everyone's got, I'm not in the show, Idis. It's true.
We all had it.

Speaker 1 You're barely in the show. No, there is something about a slight woman, and she's very cute and

Speaker 1 in a a suit playing a man because I've never felt more manly.

Speaker 4 So, you're playing a girl.

Speaker 1 Well, that was the meta thing I didn't even want to point out. I'm a man playing a woman.
She's a woman playing a man. That never happened before in the history of Scat.

Speaker 1 Even the great Milton Burrow never had a meta man, woman, woman, man talking, going toe-to-toe in that

Speaker 1 comedy atmosphere. Your words, not mine.

Speaker 4 Let me take another look.

Speaker 4 Mr. Mayorkas.

Speaker 1 So we do the dress show. So people don't know.
So the dress show

Speaker 1 is pretty loud. I mean, it's a pretty fun.
This is the eight o'clock two-hour dress show.

Speaker 1 So you do that. How, where's your comfort level coming off the dress show?

Speaker 4 That's, that's why you brought me up. Comfort level was.
I got it.

Speaker 1 Fuck, I'm going to crush.

Speaker 4 I said, I don't, I go to you and also the writer, people. I don't remember their names.
They're very cool.

Speaker 4 And I said, it's it's a young lady and there's a young man and I said thanks for putting me in this I said

Speaker 4 I don't want to be the sketch hog. This is Dana's sketch, but I said I actually never do this, but I I would like to be in it less I said you were very nice.

Speaker 4 You gave me a lot But if it's just talking, there's not much of a good impression there. I would rather just just hit the jokes and not have a big diatribe about Trump or this.

Speaker 4 I go, let's just Biden back and forth. I said, let's just get Dana a laugh, me a laugh, a couple laughs.
And you've got the cold open shouldn't be too long. So funny Dana,

Speaker 4 funny Sarah as Matt, me, and then Marcello, and then get out, do a little dance. And it turned out it got a little tighter.

Speaker 4 I don't know if your stuff got tighter, but you might have said the same thing.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. I mean, it basically, as far as the show, Inside Baseball Alert,

Speaker 1 Inside Baseball.

Speaker 1 So it's a running timeline of the show and what Lorne thinks he can keep in the show based on sketches going long or short.

Speaker 1 So probably Friday night, that thing was 13 minutes, I'll bet, or 14 minutes.

Speaker 4 It needs an eternity for TV.

Speaker 1 And then it gets down to 9.45 for that dress show, but it needs to be under 8. Yeah.
And I don't know what.

Speaker 1 Little chubby. So there was a lot of trims.
And I look back later. You know, I always have sketch regret of like some of those rhythms.
I would have got into it differently as the church lady.

Speaker 1 I was a little bit rusty.

Speaker 1 But.

Speaker 4 Well, isn't that special?

Speaker 1 Well, isn't that special? Well, I wanted to do that. I wanted to do like a monster voice.
Hello, I'm the church lady and welcome to the church channel.

Speaker 1 And then go, and then go, whoops, I sorry, I had a little sweat. Satan, get out of here, Satan.

Speaker 1 Usually I have a fist fight or I play the drums or some kind of weird thing. We did have the song at the end, which I heard you were harmonizing.

Speaker 1 Satan had a good year.

Speaker 4 Satan had a good year.

Speaker 1 So that was twice as long as the dress, and they asked for trims.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 4 Heather was trying to record me, and then she got bored of me, and she started, she just drifted over that one-foot gap and went into your dress room. And you guys were like, Satan had a good year.

Speaker 1 I know. I wish she'd done more of it.
I would have posted. Yeah, here we go.
Oh, there it is. Look at that.

Speaker 1 The election, sure.

Speaker 1 Oh, I wish you'd gone longer.

Speaker 4 And Mike, Mike Tyson.

Speaker 1 I know. I was a little bit, but I think they made all the great choices and great cuts.

Speaker 4 No, they did a good job. And, you know, that's what the dress.
It's not, we're not saying it was too long on their fault.

Speaker 4 It's just you put everything in and you usually have read-through to figure stuff out and you tighten. Right.
But we didn't even see it till that night. And so, you know, okay, now Spade's in it.

Speaker 4 Now he's here. Now, so let's see how it all goes.
Now we got the costumes on and and uh, we got wardrobe, and then it's like, okay, tighten and brighten.

Speaker 4 As I said, the cold opening is so important. I would say vote to put it in read-through because I know they don't, they try to keep it very topical for Friday, but yeah,

Speaker 1 but I do think the song, I was happy with the button of the song, that really was the time. All nine of us were going, Satan,

Speaker 1 you know, it's very good for the cold opening. The one thing that you and I tried, and it was just too long or didn't quite work, was you know, your pardon goes retroactive to 2014.

Speaker 1 So church lady starts to quiz you over what you remember. Do you remember 2014? No.
2015?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 And then finally, 2014, a little blurry. Yeah, I see colors.
What about 2019? I see some colors and shapes.

Speaker 1 A little aqua. I see some shapes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, some aqua, some purple. So that was.

Speaker 4 I remember pops and noises. I don't buzzes and beeps.

Speaker 1 So we that we like, if we'd had that, we could have honed it and worked on it but it didn't quite land so it was one of the first things we lost

Speaker 1 so you're hearing the inside baseball the song was cut shorter and

Speaker 1 because it needed one less church lady dance across and back i wanted to do two done you know this the superior i wanted to go bump bump bump bump live from new york instead i went bump bump live from new york and with the satan had a good year and i would do

Speaker 1 Satan had a good year then another heat to cheat

Speaker 1 to do and then I do this most of so I miss that rhythm but I feel like they made a great cuts and they wrote some great jokes so I thank you to

Speaker 4 it was fun to see and Heather liked this thank you to those guys sorry to cut that off no not at all And Heather was excited to see like update rehearsing in the hallway or by the dressing room and to see how the whole inner workings, even I was forgetting how chaotic it is.

Speaker 1 Did Heather see the Saturday Night Live movie?

Speaker 1 I have to finish it. Oh, okay.
Yeah, no. So you saw some of it, and how would you convert it?

Speaker 4 She has to finish it. She also has to start it.

Speaker 4 I love the movie, and I want to see it again because I told Heather, go watch it, because Jason Reitman meticulously made that exact studio.

Speaker 1 Right. And he tried to get a vibe of the whole

Speaker 1 history of SNL because

Speaker 1 there's a lot of just hanging out, you know, in the end of the day. There's just a lot of rooms.
It's kind of quiet. There's wig people coming in, knocking a lot, and there's writers coming in.

Speaker 1 So we're going to cut this and cut that. And so people know with live TV, you do the dress show.
You have a lot of things that are cut and pasted, which is normal. So it'll just be on the cards.

Speaker 1 You don't ever get to really rehearse it, not in specific. It's, you know,

Speaker 1 so it's, that's why the live show is exciting.

Speaker 4 Jason Reitman is on, I think, Fly on the Wall Next Week to talk about it.

Speaker 1 Yes. Yeah.
He in 90 Minutes was trying to really capture the Zeitgeist and the vibe. I think it worked because I thought it was extremely fun and interesting.
Yes. The chaos that, you know, yeah.

Speaker 1 Christmas Day.

Speaker 1 Oh. He comes out.

Speaker 5 I want to watch the SML movie so badly now that I've already been.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah. Heather wants to see the movie now that she's seen seen the behind-the-scenes page desk she really likes.

Speaker 5 And soaking up every minute was thrilling, and Lauren coming down with the notes. I got to see so many.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah, she sat in with notes

Speaker 4 with Lauren. Remember, I made him say it twice.
He goes, And, you know, he sits there and everyone waits. And he goes, a little too much blue in this.
Don't put up the lights here.

Speaker 3 What are we waiting?

Speaker 4 Sarah, look to the camera G on this, you know, just like barking it out while everyone's going, uh-huh. And then he goes, David, I believe, I believe you.

Speaker 1 I believe you were, yeah, you got the biggest compliment. I believe you were were Hunter Biden.

Speaker 4 And then I go, huh?

Speaker 4 And he goes, I said, I believe you're Hunter Biden.

Speaker 4 But I actually didn't hear him because Sarah was yapping about something. But anyway, I thought Shabloozzi was good.
Jacuzzi,

Speaker 4 the musical guest, his name was Scooby-Doo-Doozy.

Speaker 1 No, that song is a catchy song.

Speaker 4 That's a real toe-tapper. That guy was cool.
Looks like Derrick Henry. Big, huge, tough guy.
Big guy. Super nice.
But super sweet.

Speaker 1 And Paul Mescal, if I do it right now.

Speaker 4 Paul Mescal was

Speaker 1 super enthusiastic, incredibly nice. And

Speaker 1 I saw him at the after party. It was chatting for a while.
Met his parents

Speaker 1 because you left early

Speaker 1 before the cool stuff happened.

Speaker 4 No, I know.

Speaker 4 Chris Rock was going to come and then he had that corporate gig. And then I think it went a little sideways.
So he didn't come. And

Speaker 4 I was wiped out because Dana had a couch. I didn't, so I couldn't lay down and rest my beautiful head and my hair.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but my couch,

Speaker 1 it's not that comfortable.

Speaker 4 It's for goodwill.

Speaker 1 I may throw together another church chat this week so I can interview Chris Rock.

Speaker 4 Another one.

Speaker 1 Just a quick one, like a quick one where I interview Chris Rock about that corporate date where he stormed off. Wow, wow, wow.

Speaker 1 We're getting paid to do a professional performance, but we storm off the stage.

Speaker 4 What if in his monologue, he sees the cameras and goes, I didn't know there's going to be cameras here. And then he leaves the monologue.

Speaker 1 He leaves. And then Paul Mescal is going to be there this week, by the way.
Oh, he is? Yes. He's going to just hang out this week.
So then he's going to be there.

Speaker 1 He's there to rest and he could go back and host if Chris storms off. It's a double win.
If Chris does storm off, then Paul will be there.

Speaker 4 It's even better rating.

Speaker 1 So use it.

Speaker 4 Calamity.

Speaker 1 It's called trending. Yeah.
Something they might know.

Speaker 4 I might go to watch Chris. Remember I said I was going to

Speaker 4 come out and then I didn't. And now I'm thinking of going because,

Speaker 4 A, it was fun. And B, I said I was coming that week.
And he goes, so now you're not coming.

Speaker 1 I go, well, it's not I'm not.

Speaker 4 I'm just a

Speaker 4 fragile little dandelion. And so

Speaker 4 I threw it still dry, but it'd be fun. It's always fun, even though you're just walking around.

Speaker 1 Well, one thing I can tell you, and I don't think you do this, and I won't won't say who they are but sometimes i've had friends come uh this fall to snl and they're sitting they're standing right in my line of sight like right over my cue cards is their face you don't want that right chris rock doesn't want to see you with a big smile no i wouldn't try that next to the camera you would you're too smart for that dave no i wouldn't want i just sit in his dressing room or something but uh

Speaker 4 I remember at the 40th, I went out and watched, and it was fun because that was just packed with everybody.

Speaker 4 We should get to, I think we've patted ourselves on the back enough for my two minutes.

Speaker 1 Well, mostly it was a long story.

Speaker 1 People that are interested in Saturday Night Live. I agree.
If you fast forwarded through this segment, we don't have any issue with that.

Speaker 1 Hey, David, when it comes to gifting, you know, I've learned there are two types of presents. Okay.

Speaker 1 The ones that get returned and the ones that instantly become a favorite. Do you agree?

Speaker 4 Yeah, that's Jenny Bird jewelry definitely falls in the second category.

Speaker 4 These designs, as you know, are very modern. They're timeless, always feel special.

Speaker 1 Oh, well, isn't that special?

Speaker 4 That makes them my secret weapon when I want to give a gift that really, you know, lands. That's why Jenny Bird makes it easy.

Speaker 1 The packaging is beautiful.

Speaker 4 It's very thoughtful. The pieces are comfy enough to wear every day.
Yep. And they ship fast.
That's perfect if you're a last-minute shopper like me.

Speaker 1 That's right. I mean, I just want to do this when I hear that.
Way to go. Way to go.
And because the styles are so versatile, they always make an outfit feel pulled together, David.

Speaker 1 Without trying too hard, David, not talking about you.

Speaker 1 Some of my wife's go-tos are the best-selling Florence earrings, which I always get compliments, and the Remy Bengal, lightweight, water-resistant, and just as good stacked as it is on its own.

Speaker 1 These are the gifts you'll actually want to keep.

Speaker 4 And you can get 20% off your first order with Jenny Bird by visiting jenny-bird.com and using code F-O-T-W at checkout.

Speaker 3 Hey, everybody, it's me, Bill Maher. If you're not watching or at least listening to Club Random, you're really missing something good and something unique.

Speaker 3 Because I don't think we look or sound like any other podcast. And that's by design.

Speaker 3 My life's quest has been to do some kind of show that captured the level of intimacy and the lack of artifice you would see if you saw me off camera talking to a friend.

Speaker 3 No one else in the room, plenty of pot and booze, and nothing planned. This is a show where I get high talking to someone I'm interested in to get to know and to laugh with.
It's not an interview.

Speaker 3 It's wild. And I'm having a ball and the guests are having a ball and you will too.

Speaker 3 So please follow Club Random with Bill Maher and see new episodes every Monday on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 4 All right. Cold mornings, holiday plans, endless to-do lists.
I just want my wardrobe to be simple, Dana. I just want pieces that look sharp, feel amazing.

Speaker 1 Makes sense.

Speaker 4 And I'll use every day. You know what I mean? That's Quince.
That's it. The best part.
Their pieces

Speaker 4 make effortless gifts also.

Speaker 4 This season, Quince nails it $50 Mongolian cashmere sweaters that feel like a treat every day.

Speaker 4 Wool coats that are both stylish and built to last. Their denim fits perfectly.
It's nutty comfortable, all without the high-end price tag.

Speaker 4 By working directly with ethical factories and top artisans, Quince delivers premium quality while cutting out the middlemen. So you get luxury without the luxury markup.

Speaker 1 I've been living in their cashmere sweaters lately. They hold up beautifully even through holiday chaos.
And Quince isn't just clothes, they've got amazing options for home, bath, kitchen, and travel.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. I picked up a few for myself and a few to gift, and it's all stuff people actually love.

Speaker 4 Give and get timeless holiday staples that last this season with Quince. Go to quince.com/slash fly for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.
Now available in Canada, too.

Speaker 4 That's q-u-in-ce.com/slash slash fly free shipping 365 day returns quince.com slash fly

Speaker 4 i will tell you one cool thing dana did you want to hear it of course you do i don't think i did anything cool so we're we're you know with a page desk as you see on tv our dressrooms if you're coming out of 8h to the right is music and the host to the left is where they make the cue cards and update hangs out and then it's me and you right with the right two dress rooms so we're not too far from the stage and they're like 20 minutes till uh dress or air or whatever yeah and then I got my wig on and we're just bullshitting and talking and I'm stealing stuff from here and then they go uh

Speaker 4 and I hear go four minutes to coins to code open and and I start to get up and you go you going already and I go well I mean how close do you want to cut it

Speaker 4 yeah we got full five minutes to go and hang out so I was like well I feel we should probably be around or it was maybe four minutes you know, we could hang for two, and so

Speaker 4 we went out there, and then I was like nervous, and um, but it worked out.

Speaker 1 Well, that's Jenna, by the way, Jenna, who does all those casts, cast of the hallway in 90 seconds.

Speaker 1 Everything is time, and it, even if you're not really nervous, it's just a sense memory that makes you nervous about 10 minutes till you're gonna go online

Speaker 4 30 seconds, 30 seconds,

Speaker 1 go, go, go, and then they're finally just pushing you to go. Shake Lauren's hand, Lauren Michael's hand.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah. You walk in and it's like a basketball game.
You say hi to the coach.

Speaker 1 Number 32, playing Hunter Biden, Don Spirito, David Spado.

Speaker 4 I didn't want to give it away that I was in there because people figured out usually when you're in the sketch, they go, oh, I see the crowd go like this.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's this fucking guy.

Speaker 4 I thought he wasn't on the show anymore.

Speaker 1 Because guess what? Here's my last comment about that night. So even with me, when you came out, you had the beard kind of dark.

Speaker 1 Whatever you you did with the beard, you had the hair and you had the suit on. I thought to myself, yeah, he looks really good.

Speaker 1 And then Paula, my wife, unsolicited, said, David looked very handsome on that sketch. So I'm sure you saw the comments.

Speaker 4 You mean I went on and liked them all?

Speaker 4 No,

Speaker 4 I did like it. While you were taking a bath, you know, I said I joined YouTube just so I can give it a thumbs up.

Speaker 1 But it is always a cool look. The suit fit perfect.
The hair's bad.

Speaker 4 And I was looking looking serious. I wasn't acting too goofy.
I could have gone a little bigger with it, but no one even knows what he sounds like. He never talks.

Speaker 4 He's always right to remain silent guy.

Speaker 1 I just say it was

Speaker 1 fine.

Speaker 1 We got laughs. We got out.

Speaker 4 Oh, super fun.

Speaker 1 People enjoyed it.

Speaker 4 All right. Let's go to the tape.
Anything this week?

Speaker 4 Oh, there's a funny one I was going to show you. Oh, yeah, this girl.
Now, let's hear what she says first. This is a new niche.

Speaker 1 Here's a woman.

Speaker 4 Let's just hear it.

Speaker 6 Y'all, I just barted for the first time ever and sold it for six.

Speaker 1 I knew you'd like this.

Speaker 6 All I had to do was toot into a bottle.

Speaker 5 It was so stinky.

Speaker 6 I know he's going to love it. Follow for more.

Speaker 1 This isn't a joke, Dana. I like the first comment.

Speaker 4 I don't belong on Earth anymore.

Speaker 1 Bro. I don't belong on this podcast anymore.

Speaker 1 Look at the sad part is this isn't fake anymore.

Speaker 4 Why would someone buy a fart in a jar asking for a friend? That's all funny.

Speaker 4 Farts and jars, I guess, big is.

Speaker 1 Humans have way too much free time. The robots are doing all the work

Speaker 1 and money. My God, the monetization.
You know what?

Speaker 4 Guess what?

Speaker 4 Robots can't fart. That's the big hook.

Speaker 1 That's the last thing they'll take from us.

Speaker 4 Elon, like, went like this right now.

Speaker 1 Oh, wait.

Speaker 4 That's a challenge.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm Dog Mega. You're going to have my fart in robots.
Farting robots.

Speaker 4 Tesla goes up another billion when they introduce farting.

Speaker 1 By By the way, he touched 400 billion. He went over 400 billion.

Speaker 4 Nicked it.

Speaker 1 Look at the time. And maybe it's up to 450 billion.

Speaker 1 Doc Meg, I'm basically a half trillion. So good for him.

Speaker 4 He's going to land on his feet.

Speaker 1 Good for him.

Speaker 4 So I think these girls are farting a jar. What a good part-time job if you work at like Lady Footlocker and you want to make some extra cash.

Speaker 4 All you need is a canopy.

Speaker 1 Who's buying the jar?

Speaker 4 Dart eyes. I don't know.
They don't find the people.

Speaker 1 Is it one particular person who's buying

Speaker 1 these jars? Remember that room you wouldn't show me in your house?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 I'm the one that does the farting in them. It's like cameo.
It's the new thing. You know, she farts in the jar.
First of all, way too upbeat about it. What happened to being embarrassed, people?

Speaker 4 Be embarrassed a little bit. Share.

Speaker 4 Share.

Speaker 1 Can I say something and you try to top me. What is the most sort of kid-like but fun way to talk about that activity? I'm going to nominate a windy pop.

Speaker 1 They windy pop into the jar. I see.
Windy pop is kind of, but I don't like the other word. I like windy pop.

Speaker 4 Heather. Come with me as I windy pop into this jar and sell it to some pervert.

Speaker 1 Unless people go, what the hell is a windy pop?

Speaker 1 I like the wife going, babe, why do what's a windy pop?

Speaker 4 And why did you order 200 of them?

Speaker 1 Does Heather know what a Wendy Pop is?

Speaker 4 No. She's figuring it out.

Speaker 4 I think, well, anyway, this lady is skipping along and the music is funny.

Speaker 1 Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, doop, boop, doop.

Speaker 4 She's skipping into like, you know, mailboxes, et cetera. And she tapes up her windy pop.
She puts an address. It's like a whole shenanigans.
It's so weird.

Speaker 1 And then she's like, that's a wrap today. I worked.

Speaker 4 Now I'm going to take five and relax.

Speaker 1 Yeah. How do you know when you're working when I hear this sound?

Speaker 1 That's a car. I don't know, NASCAR Windy Pop.

Speaker 4 The guy was, she was, this guy requested a bubbler.

Speaker 1 That's a little more.

Speaker 1 Has any podcast ever literally? Can we get canceled on?

Speaker 1 I mean, can they get canceled in the middle of this?

Speaker 1 Let's go on to our second one.

Speaker 4 Yeah, let's go. Sorry, we didn't have to.

Speaker 1 No, that was a good one. Okay, here we are.

Speaker 4 Oh, here we're in the street.

Speaker 1 This is what it says. Should I say it?

Speaker 4 Yeah, you read it.

Speaker 1 OnlyFans model, Sophie Rain says she's a Christian and a virgin. Don't have to give yourself up to everyone.
Okay.

Speaker 4 How about anyone? Yeah. But she's the one that's 20 that she said, I like they always reveal to puff up, but she made 40 million last year.

Speaker 4 So

Speaker 4 my shock to this reading it is,

Speaker 4 I feel like it's one or the other.

Speaker 1 Are you an OnlyFans model or are you a virgin?

Speaker 4 Maybe it's true, but I thought they do P-O-R-N. I thought so.
I thought they did corn.

Speaker 4 Well, but I don't know if they do corn.

Speaker 1 Right. OnlyFans is not, I guess she's flirtatious and friendly.
Maybe

Speaker 4 it's just Instagram in my head. What is different? What's if you're not doing

Speaker 1 well? Well, I know that it's more built economically for Venmo or subscription-based. Like if you can get,

Speaker 1 say, you get a million horny men globally, the digital audience is 5 billion in aggregate potential for her.

Speaker 1 You get a million horny men that just like you, want you to be their surrogate girlfriend, and they pay you a million a month. Now, what is is that per year, David?

Speaker 4 That's 2 million.

Speaker 1 12.

Speaker 1 12 million. Here's the other thing.
In olden days,

Speaker 1 the tribal elder, the grandpa of the tribe was 28. People were having kids at 8, 9, and 10.
So nobody was a virgin at 20. That'd be grandma.
Grandma, you know, already had two batches of kids.

Speaker 1 But in today's sexed up, crazy, sexed up, crazy. 20-year-old virgin nation.

Speaker 1 Steve Corell has to remake the 40-year-old virgin into how funny it is that he's a 20-year-old virgin. That's how 20 years is.

Speaker 4 20-year-old virgin is funny. That is funny.
And you think in this biz, like Catch Me Outside, girl, who, of course, I'm

Speaker 1 business acquaintances with me.

Speaker 1 Catch me outside.

Speaker 4 I always have to say, not to be rude, I was shocked it wasn't either full nudity or full corn because

Speaker 4 what is everyone paying for? Just, hey, here's me. I'm going to the grove and hang out at the mall.

Speaker 1 She's just sort of friendly and stuff. Yeah.

Speaker 4 I mean, she's perfectly cute. This girl is perfectly attractive, but 43.

Speaker 1 43 million on her first year. That blows my 12 million.
We are definitely in the wrong business.

Speaker 4 100% in the wrong business.

Speaker 1 Okay, moving on.

Speaker 4 Seems like a lovely lady.

Speaker 1 It's a good wrap-up. She seems great.
Yeah. Good for her.
Seems cool.

Speaker 1 Good for her. It takes, It's hard for me to make half that much.

Speaker 4 Oh, there's a big story.

Speaker 1 Your girl Hoctui.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 I call her Hoctui. I guess it's Hoctua.

Speaker 1 Because Church Lady said,

Speaker 1 instead of worshiping Hoctua, you should

Speaker 1 go to a church. Go to a church.

Speaker 1 Go to a church. It was a tough line.
You should go to a church. Go to a church.
That was good.

Speaker 4 I like that phrasing.

Speaker 4 She did. I didn't even know you could do this.
She launched a Bitcoin about herself. I don't know.
I know you could do this. Why aren't we doing this, Dana? And then rugged it.

Speaker 4 It doesn't mean rigged it. I think rugged it is when you pull the rug out.
So

Speaker 4 she did a, see that little chart? She does a hawk-toe,

Speaker 4 some sort of crypto old horse shit. And then she puts it out to her fans.
It starts to go up. God knows why.
Save us. And then someone buys it.

Speaker 4 Why? On God Screen Earth. And then they pull, they sell.
And so it's just a typical.

Speaker 4 Oh, you get stuck with your thick in your hat. Now, there might be some where

Speaker 4 I don't know. Did she, does she hawk two eye on each coin? That would make it worth more.

Speaker 4 She goes like this. It's a genuine.

Speaker 4 There you go. There's one.
Package it up.

Speaker 4 I won't be gross. But I don't know how this works.

Speaker 4 She seems like a lovely lady. And Bitcoins are like fake air.
So there's not really physical ones to do that to. But I do.
And they say she ripped everyone off.

Speaker 4 I feel like she gets, I heard a phone call between all these people online.

Speaker 4 And they were all talking with real Bitcoin sharks. And the guys that rep her that are part of it, I think they probably just said, hey, do this with us.
You'll make money.

Speaker 4 And meanwhile, they don't know what. She doesn't know what they're going to do.
And they just do it because they're talking about all this lingo back and and forth and arguing.

Speaker 4 One guy saying, Oh, you ripped everyone off. She ripped.
And they're like, No, this is blah, blah, blah. And they, I was like, Oh, these guys know what I'm doing.

Speaker 1 I love this new world. I can't wrap it up.
It's a new around it. It's just, you know, remember when it was ETFs.
Didn't Justin Bieber buy like a smiley face

Speaker 1 for like NFT for three million?

Speaker 1 Well, ladies and gentlemen, what happened to ETFs?

Speaker 4 Now, who would ever believe that a monkey wearing sunglasses in a photograph wasn't going to be worth $80 million?

Speaker 1 A digital picture of a monkey or something.

Speaker 4 It's a giraffe on a skateboard.

Speaker 4 And he snapped it up.

Speaker 1 I paid $11 million.

Speaker 4 And somehow it went down to $80.

Speaker 1 And then the giraffe on rollerblades went for $1.50 and it was cooler than what I paid $11. So I don't know what to say.
We have a theme on this show.

Speaker 1 We have SNL behind the scenes, and now we have digitization of monetization of sexuality and absurdity. Yes.
Rock Touhe is going to be a good billionaire.

Speaker 4 That was a good way to put it.

Speaker 1 Thank you. You know what?

Speaker 4 We should tell Chris to be Chris Rock Touhee.

Speaker 1 All right. What about Chris Rock? We should talk.
His real name is a great name. Chris Rock.
Chris Rock is.

Speaker 4 He said it once at SNL. He goes, Rock and Spade.

Speaker 4 People think we made them both up for Showbiz. I go, why would I make it? I would never think I'd be in Showbiz.
I just got lucky. My dad gave me a name and took off, but he did give me a good name.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 So we should talk about the

Speaker 4 killer, Luigi.

Speaker 4 The guy with the CEO. It's such a huge story this week.
I think you guys will probably do something. You know, Emil.
Emil, he should play that kid.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he could.

Speaker 4 He should play him or one of the Menendez brothers.

Speaker 1 Just without going too dark, just it

Speaker 1 occurred to me. So he maybe makes

Speaker 1 a play gun. He 3D models a gun.

Speaker 1 Oh, he's so funny. He knows that he's a Yale grad, or he's a brilliant guy, and he knows he has probably, I'm going to say

Speaker 1 top five globally of intensity of eyebrows. So he knows cameras are in the Starbucks.

Speaker 1 And so there's a picture of those eyebrows, and he's a man on the run.

Speaker 1 Usually when people, usually, when people are on the run, they get into a cheap motel and they shave what look. So you shave the eyebrows off.

Speaker 4 Yeah, the giveaway. You're right.

Speaker 1 Put glasses on, dye your hair red or something. But he's hanging out there.
So my question is, did the young man want to get caught? Right.

Speaker 4 She should have called you because

Speaker 4 he could have shaved his eyebrows off and then drawn on little skinny ones like

Speaker 4 Cheryl Coyaloco.

Speaker 1 and also wore a fake beard thing, fake beard beforehand.

Speaker 4 He could have put on my Hunter Biden wig.

Speaker 1 He also, you know, he looks a little like.

Speaker 4 But I think

Speaker 4 he, by the way, every girl's in love with this killer, and because he's good looking, good looking always wins. It just gets you out of a killer, and he's getting more clicks on Tinder.

Speaker 1 Well, it was weird. There was a strath of humanity that did a Robin Hood deal on him.
Like he's justified. It's a Robin Hood move.
That's a little bit too far for me.

Speaker 4 It's a bit of a stretch because if you're allowed to kill people you don't like, of course.

Speaker 1 You are judge, jury, and executioner.

Speaker 1 You decided you.

Speaker 4 I mean, if it works both ways, if you can just always just go around and kill people that are. Yes, Heather.
Is he trying to get health care in prison?

Speaker 4 Oh, that's Heather's theory. He's trying to.
Is that my theory?

Speaker 4 Heather's asking if he's trying to get health care in prison. I'll see if Dana knows this answer.

Speaker 1 Is he trying to get health care in prison?

Speaker 4 Like he couldn't get it. They said he hurt his back.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 4 he couldn't get health care.

Speaker 4 And so he's trying to get in prison. There's a news story just out that

Speaker 4 his family owns nursing homes and they're under the gun for ripping people off. I'm like, wait a second.
That doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 1 Right. There's a whole lot of people supposed to be going on Robin Hood.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 But the other thing is, was it too easy to catch him? That is a good question.

Speaker 1 We got Caterpillar or a double, triple Caterpillar eyebrows, and you're just going around

Speaker 4 with the eyebrows. Do you know how many times Eugene Levy got called in?

Speaker 1 They spotted him around.

Speaker 4 They spotted him around town.

Speaker 1 Eugene Levy had to go into hiding. But I would say they could have an eyebrow off for charity before they put him in prison.
Eyebrow off.

Speaker 4 They could sell his eyebrow hairs to women and make them.

Speaker 1 They released the call of the elderly lady at the McDonald's. Hi, I think I know who the killer is.
He's sitting right over there with triple caterpillar eyes. I swear to Jesus, that's your man.

Speaker 1 And the cops came.

Speaker 4 That's right.

Speaker 4 And he had one picture, like the best picture he's taken in his life. He's got the hood on.
He's smiling crooked. And every girl's like, fucking, you know,

Speaker 4 Splash Mountain. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 4 There wasn't a dry seat in the house. Yeah.
You know what I mean? It was like Katrina down there. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 That's not true.

Speaker 4 Women don't like every girl on TikTok is like, how can I date this guy? It was the please fuck me killer. And all they cared about is how good looking he was.
And I'm like, this is, you shot someone.

Speaker 4 They always skip that. I know.

Speaker 1 They go, ah, that guy's not. Well, he let it

Speaker 1 the gentleman, I don't want to say his name, but he, um, he also had like Superman abs. So it's Caterpillar, triple caterpillars, caterpillars, and then,

Speaker 1 you know, basically Superman abs that he conveniently takes a picture of.

Speaker 4 Washboard.

Speaker 4 Yeah, and then he was

Speaker 4 and he was like super smart.

Speaker 1 So that's a that's a sex trap for women.

Speaker 4 Yeah, but he also on his manifesto, I like his,

Speaker 4 the girls are like getting a little less horny when he's too similar to the Unabomber. They're like, oh, and he has a manifesto that always looks good on the res.

Speaker 4 I have a manifesto, and one of them was, he said, should I just bomb this whole convention of these bean counters at the, where the CEO was going?

Speaker 4 So if he did that, I think they'd be like, nah, that's a little.

Speaker 1 Well, what's how do you, when does just a public note become a manifesto? What are the rules? I mean, you went to state school. What's the definition, Webster definition of a manifesto, sir?

Speaker 1 I give it to you right now. You have 10 seconds.

Speaker 4 It's a big word.

Speaker 1 And,

Speaker 4 you know, I'm going to tell you tell me what it means. I'll tell you if you're right.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's better.

Speaker 1 I guess

Speaker 1 just in the modern times, modern parlance,

Speaker 1 it's someone who wants to reorientate society with a public statement. And the manifesto will include what is wrong with the current society and what should be changed.

Speaker 4 Right. Here's how we get a couple easy fixes.
I think you're right. I think you're right.
Usually they try to keep it to under 600 pages. You can't make it too long because no one's going to read it.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 4 If I send Sandler a text, it's over a paragraph. He's not reading it.
You know what I mean? You got to be kind of

Speaker 4 so manifesto. Feels like it's got to be long.
It doesn't have to be.

Speaker 1 Not in the YouTube or the Instagram age. Just one paragraph can be a manifesto.

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Speaker 4 Which reminds me, TikToks are getting long. Oh, let's talk about also the space orbs over New Jersey.
Have you seen them?

Speaker 1 I have. I mean, I've not seen them.
I haven't. gone on the roof of the hotel and looked out toward New Jersey.
I mean, it's too cold. It's too damp cold.

Speaker 1 I should have done it during the heat wave in late September.

Speaker 4 I guess aliens aren't that cold.

Speaker 1 Well, what is the theory? What are they? What the fuck? What do we pay taxes? Orbs.

Speaker 1 From where?

Speaker 1 Orbs.

Speaker 4 No, they are just, you know, it's just orbs. I like how everyone says orbs, like anyone knows what that is.

Speaker 1 But there's a congressman that thinks it's from the Iranian mothership is releasing them, but not explaining what.

Speaker 4 You know, has motherships, UFOs, not freaking Iran.

Speaker 1 Yeah, not a small Mid Eastern country. It does not have a mothership.
That's Star Trek exploration.

Speaker 4 My real one is there's a mothership, alienship under the ocean, and they shoot out because there's so many out of the ocean. And it's so much closer than Mars.
Who wants to fly that whole way?

Speaker 4 It's like pop out of the ocean, beep, pop, boop. You're right here.
You're in New York.

Speaker 1 If it's something to do with the mothership comedy club in Austin, I'm not the first person. Oh, man.

Speaker 1 That's a great ad if it is.

Speaker 1 Joe Rogan might be doing this as sort of a comedy uh meta sort of public you know like a david blain thing you know right like a kill tony promotion kill tony david blain i do think it's real um i do think it's spacious because even the mayors even the governor's like we we're trying to find we don't know what is we fly planes up there we can't catch them they fly away so would we have good maybe it's man high-tech video of the plane the jet chasing them do we have that on to look at yeah and they got a close-up of the pilot going this slow down because every time, I mean, we have these three-dimensional, incredible cameras.

Speaker 1 We can see the moon and

Speaker 1 3D color. And every time it's UFO, it's like a greeny black and white.
And the camera's going like this. It's like a camcorder from the 80s.
I call bullshit. We got to get Dr.
Stephen Greer

Speaker 1 calling a challenge to him.

Speaker 4 Let's get him on next week.

Speaker 1 Come back on Superfly and tell us what the hell is going on over the skies of New Jersey.

Speaker 4 I think he's going to say they're hours or summer hours, but I think we do not want to keep shooting them down. Do you really want to trifle with these monologues

Speaker 1 well

Speaker 1 i don't know i mean i see things that other people don't see so i looked at the picture and i sort of just with my finger just sort of spelled you know connected the the spaceship dots right and it said dr greer

Speaker 1 phone home and i don't know if i that's real but that's what the words that I saw spilled in the in the New Jersey sky.

Speaker 1 Can you sing a song called the new jersey sky

Speaker 1 i talk about et in my new special i talk about all the hot subjects going back to 82 what the

Speaker 1 yeah i don't know it doesn't matter louis ck had an incredible bid about goodwill hunting last year and i thought wow that's cool oh he's funny yeah i'm going to do more movie reviews on my special okay what about the

Speaker 4 oh i won't talk about jamie fox okay do the next one let's do the next one

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 Brooklyn's first luxury building for dinks starts leasing.

Speaker 4 Childless renters have mixed feelings.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 A dink is what?

Speaker 4 It must be couples without kids.

Speaker 1 But why? What's the, what is it spelled? Did, did I not

Speaker 1 kids?

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 4 dual income, no kids.

Speaker 1 Oh, dual income, no kids. Okay.

Speaker 4 So there's a 13-story high-rise on 655 Union Street. That's by you in Brooklyn.

Speaker 4 So are you allowed to say no kids when you sell something?

Speaker 1 That's a really good question. Legally, I wonder if you can do it.
You know, a wink and a nod, maybe you could do it.

Speaker 1 Like, this is kind of for, you know, people with two incomes, no children, and not even a dog are just called happy people with a lot of freedom.

Speaker 4 They're just called people with no problems.

Speaker 1 People are just like trying to think of what's fun thing to do right now,

Speaker 1 But love kids and love dogs. I don't know.

Speaker 1 I want you to follow up on that story.

Speaker 4 No, what if you get knocked up while you're in there dinking it up? And then what do you do? You get kicked out of the club?

Speaker 1 Well, this was made famous by Jimmy Durani in 1951.

Speaker 1 He would say,

Speaker 1 let's look at a clip. A dink, a dink, a dink, a dink, a dink, a dink, a dink, a dink.
He did.

Speaker 1 You can find it.

Speaker 1 Jimmy Durandi

Speaker 1 Panther was a. I know the melody was off, but he was a rough-voiced crooner, a funny comedian named Jimmy Durandi.
Look it up.

Speaker 1 I dink, I dink. And that's how he would sing.
And he would say dink.

Speaker 1 Did he say dink?

Speaker 1 My memory, my old memory says he said, I dink, I think. And then he went on to

Speaker 1 see. Someone

Speaker 1 just wanted no pennies.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 1 All right. President Trump manhandles French president.

Speaker 1 Trump manhandles

Speaker 1 French president Emmanuel Macron with one of the most dominating handshakes I've ever seen. That's the fun.

Speaker 4 This is the funniest thing. It's, it's, look at him.
Take that, you motherfucker.

Speaker 1 Oh, and his elbows up and everything. Oh, way up like this.

Speaker 1 He's hysterical. Shoulder.

Speaker 4 Don Trump.

Speaker 1 He just throws this clavicle. Donald Trump, look at my shoulders.
I can pull on your dinky shoulders any day. You're a dink.

Speaker 1 You're totally a dinky dinky.

Speaker 1 Dude,

Speaker 4 he has he pulls on his shoulders. Then he has an extra padded shoulder pad.
He's like this.

Speaker 1 Well, he's got, he's a Batman villain in like a long penguin coat. That's hilarious.
He's going around Gotham City with a big orange hair. You know, he presents with the lifts and the thing.

Speaker 1 He's like 6'5 with this giant head.

Speaker 1 Macron's about our size, and he just pulls 5'3. He just pulled him up with his shoulder.
That's like a hard move for his age.

Speaker 1 I hate to say it's kind of a dick move.

Speaker 4 It just makes everyone look like a pussy. And it's so, and you see it coming.
It's usually the corkscrew. He goes in,

Speaker 4 and then

Speaker 4 gives him the saw.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's tough because the guy's like, oh,

Speaker 1 he says,

Speaker 4 dude, the rest of of the meeting, the guy's like this.

Speaker 1 What? Yeah. Yeah.
Go ahead. He's the leader of one of the greatest countries in the world, France.
It's Paris. He's like, I am feeling so little right now.
I can't believe those giant.

Speaker 1 And they say Trump has little hands, but not so much Rhone. He's got French hands.
That's like a

Speaker 1 Theo Vaughan kind of observation. You know, I feel like French

Speaker 1 people have like little hands.

Speaker 1 Does it make sense? Like a little raccoon. Like a little raccoon.
A little French. Raccoons are French.
You know, I say that? The way they speak.

Speaker 4 All right, next one.

Speaker 1 I want another handshake one. Okay, here we go.

Speaker 4 That was funny, though. Okay.
Oh, this is a slap-off. This is Dana White's.
I think it's Dana White's. Who else is slapping each other?

Speaker 1 Slapped his.

Speaker 1 Oh, this show. I know.

Speaker 1 Dana, look at that. What?

Speaker 4 What happened?

Speaker 1 That's not. By the way, all is it?

Speaker 4 If your ear comes off. He's got a fake ear, I saw it.
Fake, yeah.

Speaker 4 He's got a fake ear, but it's a prosthetic. But why are you getting hit on the side with the ear?

Speaker 1 Well, to get

Speaker 1 flying.

Speaker 4 This is a

Speaker 4 that tattoo is pretty cool. I have to say on his face.

Speaker 1 Everything's cool about it. And what the per the theme of our little show today, he's going to monetize us.
We got Hawk Tewy Girl. He's going to be

Speaker 1 ear gone guy. and he's going to have a million digital followers and just talk about dude.

Speaker 4 I have to say, if you're here, I would want it to stick on at all times. Like, don't hit it as hard as you can.
You're in the wrong biz, dude. Go into farts in a jar.

Speaker 4 Actually, there's another story I didn't tell you about because it's all a little, little, you know, base for you, as my dad would say.

Speaker 1 I'll go there. I'll go.

Speaker 4 But there's an OnlyFans girl that I saw today in the paper. She's feeling slight regret after breaking the record of sleeping with 100 guys in one day.

Speaker 1 100 folks.

Speaker 4 And she goes, I cried after, obviously, I cried, I would cry during. And then she said, but I am going to try to go for a thousand.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry.

Speaker 4 So I don't even know how it works.

Speaker 1 Mental health is an issue today in America. It's at an all-time low.

Speaker 1 We've got issues as a society,

Speaker 1 way too much free time.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 yeah, I don't know. I just think it's, I saw that story too.

Speaker 4 And it's another attention getting, like, it's a great way to get, you got to get people to your OnlyFans.

Speaker 4 Like I was saying the other day, and this is a bad example, but I saw this thing on the dodo, this Instagram, where it's like a dog is out like at a carnival or something, or it's out, you know, and then someone sees it at a ski resort and goes, oh my God, is this dog alone?

Speaker 4 And then they take it and give it, and you know, the dogs in the shelter are going, just do it the right way. I'm doing it the right way.
I'm in a shelter.

Speaker 4 This dog goes out in some weird spot and then gets all the attention, and of course, gets adopted right away. I'm trying to do it by the book.
I go to the shelter, I wait, I sit in a little square.

Speaker 1 I act cute. No, so that's the OnlyFans girl.

Speaker 4 They're just, there's just a diamond. There's a lot of them.

Speaker 1 Not to underplay.

Speaker 1 I'm going to make an announcement.

Speaker 4 There's a lot of them. And then they go, I'm going to be different.

Speaker 4 I'm going to

Speaker 4 do whatever. She's different.
She's fucked 100 guys. Different.
I caught my attention.

Speaker 1 I'm going to say this phrase for 24 hours with maybe just two bathroom breaks. Horn dog, how about a hot dog?

Speaker 1 And I'm going to say horn dog, how about a hot dog over and over again

Speaker 1 for 24 hours and see if I can monetize that.

Speaker 4 Well, if you would go on Twitch or some sort of live stream and say, just send me money and I'll keep saying it.

Speaker 1 And then people would.

Speaker 4 We got to do something like this.

Speaker 1 Well, cameo, cameo, but they only give you 150 bucks if you do a, you know, an advertisement for,

Speaker 1 Leo's used card dealership in Des Moines, you know. Hey, this is David Spade.
Hey, buddy.

Speaker 4 I know. We would never do that.
Meanwhile, in about five seconds, we're going to read an ad.

Speaker 1 We would never sell out.

Speaker 4 Never. We sell out.
Anyway, here's a word from our sponsor.

Speaker 1 Here we go, Bubba. Sponsors are our friends.

Speaker 4 That's they are. Okay, what's next?

Speaker 4 We're almost done, but what's next?

Speaker 1 Let's see.

Speaker 4 We really covered a lot, Dana.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 Really excited.

Speaker 4 Oh, this young lady does a bunch of trick shots, and I think they're all pretty good. I think we saw her before, right?

Speaker 1 Okay, more trick shots. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 7 Number 10.

Speaker 1 That's hard to do.

Speaker 1 To hit it with a baseball bat of mine.

Speaker 1 How

Speaker 4 put the number of misses. I know.

Speaker 4 Look at that trick.

Speaker 7 Number Number seven.

Speaker 4 I couldn't do literally one of these. Is there one you could maybe do? Not that one.

Speaker 1 Too hard.

Speaker 1 Maybe a thousand tries. I don't know.

Speaker 4 Maybe

Speaker 4 this one I could do.

Speaker 1 But even one is.

Speaker 4 Kick in the. I can maybe do that.
I made a drop kick half-court shot. No joke.

Speaker 4 Ooh, it's like a bunt.

Speaker 4 She is strong.

Speaker 1 She barely swings.

Speaker 1 She's got a lot of coordination.

Speaker 4 Anything? She has the same reaction. I think we should mix up the reactions for her.

Speaker 1 Golf? With a golf.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 7 Number two.

Speaker 4 We're going. She keeps saying, let's go.
We're going. Great.
And that.

Speaker 4 I couldn't do the first one. I could do the first one.
Number one.

Speaker 4 I'm blindfolded in this shot.

Speaker 4 It looked like she more had a mask on her face.

Speaker 1 What they don't tell you is she started that segment in 2017 and she finally hit them through the power of editing.

Speaker 1 No, she's got an actual coordination. She does look good when she does it.

Speaker 4 If you're a trick shotter, and that's your biz.

Speaker 4 You get used to it. Now there's AI.

Speaker 4 Now there's AI. So people just go yawn.

Speaker 1 No one knows if it's no one knows what, if anything's original. All we can say is, are you not entertained? And I was entertained because of her celebration.
That bad.

Speaker 4 When I look at fishes in the ocean, I was actually going to show you some today.

Speaker 4 These fishes that when they're like, we went to the bottom of the sea where the fish have no light. It's like prehistoric.
And of course, they're shining a light on them. The fish is like,

Speaker 4 and then they go, never seen light. They're in light as we speak.
And then they're the most scariest looking fish, largemouth lunker bass. And then.
Some have teeth.

Speaker 4 And then someone in the comments on one, I keep liking these and I keep seeing more. And then someone goes, Oh, I think these on this one are AI.
And I go

Speaker 1 ruined. I remember as a kid watching Jacques Cousteau.

Speaker 1 You remember Jacques Cousteau, the fiche and d'Assi, and it'd be at the bottom of the sea, and there'd be this thing like it's a half inch long, and it's got antenna and a big bug eye, and all it's the

Speaker 1 whole existence just at the bottom. It lives in a little area.
It's like,

Speaker 1 and even as a kid, I would think to myself, What is the point?

Speaker 4 Why are you living? You look

Speaker 1 at it.

Speaker 4 And there's no fun.

Speaker 1 And then he goes, I think I'll have kids. Sometimes you go like,

Speaker 1 you want another one of these?

Speaker 1 Then it looks over at a little shell for an hour and then goes back,

Speaker 1 looks at a rock.

Speaker 4 So boring.

Speaker 1 What is the point of that existence?

Speaker 4 No, I would not do that.

Speaker 1 You could monetize that shit today, though.

Speaker 4 If you just showed me the bottom of the ocean and the fishes that float by and go,

Speaker 1 I would just be mesmerized.

Speaker 1 The ones that are like three inches long seem like behemoth.

Speaker 4 Oh, did I send some? All right, you go off and I'll hit you later.

Speaker 1 Thank you, audience. Thank you for.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah. Come see me and Dane at Fantasy Springs and Palm Springs.
We're going to do a gig.

Speaker 1 Pump that thing, man. I want that thing.

Speaker 1 I want that thing clean. It's filling up.
I want to do that. I want that to go clean.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 we're going to bring it. We're going to do QA.
We're going to do stand-up. Yeah.

Speaker 4 All right. Bye, guys.

Speaker 4 This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman.
Hope you liked it.