SUPERFLY #45 - MORE AUTOGRAPHS!

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Yeah? I just switched to H&R Block in about one minute. All I had to do was drag and drop last year's return into H&R Block, and bam, my information is automatically there.
So I don't have to go digging around for all my old papers to switch?

Nope.

Sounds like we just leveled up our tax game.

Switching to H&R Block is easy.

Just drag and drop your last return.

It's better with Block.

You want to start right now and go for it?

You want to get into it?

I guess so.

Mix it up?

Look at my Roadrunner.

I'm in a new location.

Now, what is this now?

This is my other place.

Just don't worry about it.

It's not.

I'll be in New York.

You know, I go.

I keep moving.

I have three homes.

Don't be jealous.

Do you leave anything in New York?

Do I leave anything in New York?

I leave everything there. You do? You keep it the whole time, Richie Rich? Jesus Christ.
No, no, I don't pay. Some other people are very generous.
I took care of that for you. It's okay to ask, David.
I took care of it. Trust me.
They've got the money. Trust me.
They can afford it.

You know, I told him, I told him, do the right thing.

Do the right thing.

Stop the bombing.

Hey, handsome.

Who's funnier than you?

We're going to have to make memes out of our anger.

I had Gervitz on a Zoom today and he was fucking bombing.

Did all his fucking, all his hits.

All his shtick and nothing. Oh, boy.
Yeah. cricks.
Jeez, you've got a lot of Zooms. I do have, I have a lot.
They're mostly with Theo, but God dang, there's a lot of Zooms. Theo's the funniest one to Zoom with, but he walks around sometimes the laptop drives me crazy.
Just sit. I can't stand these Zoomers, hey man.
I know, that's kind of a hip thing to do. Get carsick.
Where are you going? You got to Zoom. I know.
Everyone's settled. It's funny when people say, you're talking to the phone, and they say, I'm going to take you into my car.
I've said this before, but it's funny. I'm taking you in the car with me.
No, don't. I'm trying to order a pizza.
I'm trying to drive. Hang on, I have to beat my kids.

Wait a minute.

Let me get the effect for the driving and then the hitting of the kids again.

First, the driving effect.

Hey, stop.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

You almost hit me.

Christ.

Is there a dog in the engine or something?

Yeah, no, that's the tires.

Then they hit it off.

Well, what was in your hand?

It didn't sound like a slap.

No, just it's an elbow.

It really gives them a way some of them.

I know.

Well, I was a little tired yesterday.

You know? So I took a hot bath. Put the thing in so that the water wouldn't go down the drain.
Then I toweled off. As long as you say what it is, the sound effect can be terrible.
Then I got a cheese grater. Then I ate a cheeseburger.
Dude, I have to tell you. You know what? Every time we do any riff on this, I imagine it's a YouTube short.
So I start improvising. And you go, we need more.
We need more. We got to get to a minute a minute for patrick i start thinking what will he do with this and you know i know i feel uh youtube is ruined it because we have any any real conversation we go we got to zhuzh it up with a little yeah that that's it that's gonna be in some kind of on instagram don't be mad at my new.
Oh, yeah. It's pretty fluffy.
Well, the shorter, the more the fluff. We've talked about this many times on this podcast.
I'm cutting the sides off this week. All gone, shaved.
I mean, you're trying to look like me? No, you're not going to shave and then have a nose ring? Check your birth certificate, Quinky.

Come on, Glico.

Hey, Christ's sakes, there's a time and a place for that kind of accoutrement, all right?

He turned into Scheherazade, whoever that is.

I know, but that sounded almost like an author or something.

Then the Egyptian author wrote The Bridgeway to the nile in 1947 now listen i'm gonna back up to thanksgiving because i know thanksgiving was last last week but i will say the beginning of thanksgiving always starts with me watching local news and they always have some newscaster posted up at the airport.

I love it.

Oh, the car.

It is a record.

It's always a record.

Literally, there's never been a week or a year there wasn't a record.

Record 80 million drivers.

And then the airport, 80 million flyers.

Always a record.

Who knows?

Who checks?

Who knows?

Sounds better to say there's a record.

And we're here at four in the morning and it is packed. And you know what I mean? We're expecting 149 million people to go to Disneyland this Friday night.
You should always give it about seven hours ahead of time just to let them frisk your balls. Did I tell you? I did tell you when they frisk my wiener.
Did I tell you this, Heather? The guy goes, they're always like, hey, Spade. Hey, Spade.
Everyone's cool. And he goes, and I'm like, beep, beep.
He's like, this is a random one. I think he's telling me to go away, but he goes, I say, oh, come here.
It's a random one. Meaning I still do it.
You know, it's me. Nah.
And he gets in gets in he goes something's in your groin area I go oh you've heard about it he goes no something's in there it's showing up on the thing and I go maybe it's a zipper I don't know and he goes he gives you an interview first and then he goes well I gotta get in there I go get in there and he goes you sounded seduced for a second I gotta get in your groin in there. I go, get in there.
And he goes. You sounded seduced for a second.
I got to get in your groin area. I know.
You ready for a groin pat? Mm-hmm. He helps me nods.
And I go. And he goes, all right.
You want front or back of the hand? I go, let's just do front. You know, we're having fun.
Why root? He literally goes, front or back of the hand. I go.
I know. I've never had like a nice, cheerful dialogue, but I want to hear this.
I get frisked every single time I go through the machine. I continue.
Not a bit. Not a joke.
And I know how they do it. They're talking to you and they come up the inner thigh with the hands and then they sort of bounce up and make sure.'re the church lady.
It looks like more like the church dude. Christ.
They go up the pant leg. Yeah.
And that's, that's before I get to the airport. Okay.
Good night, people. That's the sky cap.
Delta guy delta guy so so you literally got frisk and he grabbed he gives me a backhand hand job like this i'm like okay he goes you're good but i get it every time people are going hey did you do the church lady can i get a picture and then yeah okay up against the wall spread where Geez, and you see all those fans back there? Yeah. We don't care about you and your fan base, which is shrinking according to this document.
This document. You work at the airport and you have data on my fan base? And he said, yep, I do.
And my favorite thing to do is when I work Phoenix Airport, because I get a chance to grope David Spade, even though the x-ray says he's clean as a whistle.

Because it might be a glitch.

We are now into Senator John F. Kennedy's territory.

Glitch.

I have to grab your testicles.

My words, not yours.

Yeah.

At least he's honest that way.

Do you still have two testicles?

Most of do. I do.
I know I do. Yours is as big as Dallas.
Do you name each individual? I'm sorry. Where are we going with this? Where does this end? Do you think women still have pyubic hair? Just a question.
There's no right or wrong. I once dated a lady from Memphis, Tennessee, and she dyed her pubic hair in a kaleidoscope effect.
Is that your experience? You could pull on them. They're seven inches each.
They're just jammed down.

Yeah.

And if you had some jam left over from your sandwich, it would make a sticky paste and you could spell letters.

You could actually write a little note to her that she would find later in her kaleidoscope groin area. And there, ladies and gentlemen, is an Instagram clip.

People like this. We didn't say they were good.
No. We just says they're clips.
They're noisy. Yeah.
So I get to Thanksgiving dinner. I got Harper.
And we have this good idea, right? Yeah. Harper says, let's get little canvases like this.
because my mom ran into a woman that teaches art or whatever she does my mom will literally talk to anyone literally talk to anyone they talk for a long time and then numbers exchange facebook this this so she's dialed in immediately so we get in a circle the idea and then we all have a we paint the person on the opposite side of you. So it's kind of fun.
Get a little paint there. Get the brushes.
I'm just, I'll jump ahead. I'm easily the worst.
My brother Brian was better than I thought. It shows a lot of personality.
Like people, he was more abstract, you know, drawing eyes. To start with a portrait is a horrible idea,

unless you're Kevin Nealon or someone that's really good at this, you know.

No, yeah, it's impossible.

And you look like a fucking asshole.

And I think it should be a joke on a date where the guy is so bad

that the girl loses interest in him because he's so bad.

Like, you're just like, oh, you have no talent at all.

There's nothing going on in your head because they were horrible now harper's was pretty good i actually have harper's she had to draw me and do you have that can we see this is just watercolor watercolor stare i got a brown a little this harper draws it just she's 16 within like five minutes let me see we're just gonna pop it up We'll clean this up later Mm-hmm Okay, that's not bad, right? It's cute That's pretty good Yeah, that is Absolutely Isn't that good? Yeah, yeah I like that And she signed it And so that listen, you got a little blue in the eyes you got a little Yeah, she got some She got her hair blue Generous with the hair Yeah, yeah And cheeks you know, she's discoloring. You know, that's a certain style.
There's blending. There's a lot of, literally the art teacher's walking around going, oh, Harper, I like this.
I like the blending. The way you, with me, she goes, okay.
And she keeps walking. She has nothing to say other than like, it's too much wrong to even get, there's nothing to even help.
Just keep moving. So anyway, we did that.
And then my mom though, my mom, I have to tell you, when I come in, I've told her maybe 1,000 times, I'm leaving at the end of this art thing because I have to go to the airport. I don't want to fly on Sunday.
It's going to be Saturday night. Right.
I've told her honestly 1,200 times. I walk in, she goes, Brian, just told me you're leaving today.
You're not, are you? I go, I'm not leaving now. At the end of the two hours, no.
Oh, my God. She goes, it's so classic, Mom.
And I go, Mom, do you step on a rusty nail? Are you okay? She goes, oh, you said you'd stay. Another showbiz lie.
I go, no, Mom. It's not a showbiz lie.
I go, no.

It's not a showbiz lie.

Oh, yes.

Where's the Davey?

I used to know.

I go, I'm just leaving one day early because it's too hard to fly on a Sunday.

She goes, oh, you have to get back to a freak off.

I go, I wish.

No.

Hollywood turned you into a freak off. Where's my baby? Yeah.
Ride bikes with the neighbor kids, I promise. I want to hold you and rock you.
Yeah, she does. She's like.
That's cute. I like her.
And her friends gave me a present. It's always odd.
I don't know what to do with presents anyway. I'm like, just give get someone a present they gave me a present it was for your birthday from july anyway anyway my mom kept going oh and then i go i got a half hour left no like she's i go mom are you william defoe at You're in a platoon like, ah, getting shot.

Your mom turned into William Dafoe.

I see it.

Yeah. Remember in Platoon, he gets shot from the back and goes, ah.
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BlueNile.com. Oh, my mom also goes, go eat the cheese.
No, she didn't say it. She goes, did you take a bite of what's out back? I go, no.
She goes, oh, Davey, I can't believe you're leaving. I just got it in the mail.
I go, sorry, I can't eat the food that you just got in the mail, whatever the fuck that means. Oh, I just got it.
The mail is ready. I go, what food is in the mail? Can we get her on this podcast? She goes, go eat it.
I go out there, there's crackers and a big circle of something of gunk. And I go, is it cheese? She goes, taste it.
I go, just what am I getting into? Should I, is it melted?

Is it hot?

Is it cold?

I don't know.

I go, so I go out there and it's honestly, I couldn't tell you.

I dug in, it kind of broke the cracker and I'm like, and I faked and I went in and I

go, not bad.

Just a generic answer.

She goes, right?

I know.

My mother-in-law was eating, it's kind of a paste, but it's made from pig's feet, and this is not a joke. Not a joke.
So I was trying to think of things that she would go, ooh. And I go, yeah, cockroach feet.
They take just the feet of a cockroach, and they grind them up and create kind of a jam or a peanut butter spread. She was like, sounds okay and then they take the abdomen of the cock abdomum yeah what do they do i don't know i just wanted to

get a reaction like hey you know but you know and she's like oh interesting yeah you know you know i

ran into uh in a car in a parking lot in LA?

Mm-mm.

Your doctor's nurse, and she got out and she goes, oh, you hit my quarter panel.

I have to tell the doctor.

I go, the doctor or the insurance?

The doctor first.

Oh, I called.

I actually talked to her today about another thing.

What did she say? She she said she's so sweet she goes i was the doctor prescribes me a thing where he has to talk to me twice a year like still good are you all right yeah nothing crazy a common medication yeah so i noticed that he'd called me a couple weeks ago and just left a voicemail. I missed the call.

So I told her today, I said, I missed the call from the doctor.

And she said, oh, but you were supposed to talk to the doctor.

And I go, I know, but I missed the call.

So I didn't.

Oh, so you didn't talk to the doctor.

I'm going to have to make another appointment. When are you available? And I get this.
It went on and on. It's a real conundrum.
She doesn't know what to do with those. She wants to do a good job.
Yeah. And she doesn't want to get shit canned.
Then I said, I'm doing a thing called Superfly with David Spade. Oh, David Spade.
I remember him from the movie

Dickie

Roberts.

He went in the grab bag.

That sure was a funny movie. And she goes,

oh, it made me

laugh so hard. Crickets

for Dickie Roberts?

No, someone's trying to call me.

I thought you had some kind of sound effects. Heather, come back and get Dane on here.
I can't find him. I disappeared.
Yeah, this happened the other day. What am I supposed to do? I'll go to that shit.
Also, Heather's got something to show you. Send it to Greg, that thing.
I'll show him what you made. Oh, my book? No, really? Yeah, you want to? I think it's interesting.
Heather has a book and no one told me oh my mom had too many dogs at thanksgiving dinner where she had her dogs and my brother two dogs and so they're all circling under the table like sharks you know they're kind of nipping and biting i don't realize my mom's feeding her whole turkey whole dinner to them under. So once they get fed, they're like tangled up my legs.

I'm like, hey, beat it.

I don't want to sound mean. I love dogs.
But give us eight minutes where the dogs aren't barking at each other and doing territorial games and biting. Here's a mic drop on this one.
Metaphorical cigar. So I'm in the White House having dinner, my wife and I, with George Sr., the president of the United States at the time, and his wife, Barbara.
And the dog, Ranger, kept coming around looking for food. So I was kind of sneaking some food to the dog.
And then at one point, the president just said, don't feed the dog.

And I literally said, yes, sir, I won't.

But I didn't know.

It was a dog so cute.

It was like.

Yeah, they like it.

Then you leave and now they're.

Yeah.

And then they're not your friend.

Also, before we get to this next subject, did you send it in?

We did.

Okay.

We did.

I don't know if you read, but Hunter Biden, your guy,e biden has a son named hunter and he got uh left left free pardon did he start jail yet or not he hasn't started yet no he never he's not going to jail he was pardoned but was he about to um maybe it was a he had the trial and then it's the legal system takes so long i mean it you know it's but but it was a, he had the trial and then the legal system takes so long. I mean, you know, but it was potential that he might.
So as a good dad, pardons are here. Yeah.
And you know, Hunter was like, I didn't do one thing. I don't even know what they're talking about.
This is so nuts. Literally, I did not nothing.
I don't get, and he goes, I saw the 75 videos. Dad, that's so funny.
That's AI. That's AI.
When I was doing standup, here and there, there were no comedy clubs. Not like when you started.
in san francisco i would still do the nixon i would say richard nixon was seen at a shopping mall elbowing people intentionally and then saying pardon me and that was the whole bit because he was famously but that's not bad he pardoned a lot of people right well he got pardon lot of people, right? Well, he got pardoned by Gerald Ford. Oh, he got pardoned.
Oh. Pardon me.
They say people like Clinton, probably Trump, who knows, that they just have a laundry list when they leave. But I think Jon Stewart had a good joke last night.
Robert Smogel was telling me. It was sort of like the pardon goes back for 10 years.
So anything Hunter Biden has done since 2014 is expunged, if there's anything. And then he goes to his dad after the pardon.
I think maybe just do it through New Year's because he's planning on maybe having a big party or something. Dad, could you extend it forward like 10 days? But I think that 10 years covers Joe Biden too.
No, come on. Let me be serious.
I do. I'm not kidding around here.
And furthermore. And furthermore.
Let me be clear what the people are saying. This isn't rocket science.
Let's get serious. I'm not kidding around here.
And by the way guess what yeah that's all i that's all i have five catchphrases i repeat them every saturday night we'll see what i do tomorrow night oh yeah it is tomorrow finally finally we got it right Excuse me. Excuse me, sir.
Who's the host? Go.

Paul Muscal.

Nope. Finally we got it right Excuse me Excuse me Who's the host? Go I know Paul Mescal Nope Paul Mescal Or it's Mescal Paul Mescal And Gracie Abrams is the musical guest Who is J.J.
Abrams The famous director, movie producer's daughter no way way i didn't know you said it was this guy's girlfriend they're on together girlfriend it says mezcal oh mezcal yeah um that's his girlfriend dummy you gotta wake up you gotta know what's going on oh really is that the connection are the connection? Are you serious? Starting to get it. Well, well, well.
We like ourselves, don't we? We made a fun one. We feel just a little bit superior.
Well, isn't that special? Who got who into the show? Did they get her and she said, I want the dude to post? But let's wind back this for a second. So they're literally dating.

So one got, and then could my boyfriend be in or could my girlfriend be in?

Yeah, that's what I'm asking you, which one did what.

Hmm, plot thickening.

I'm going to do a deep dive on this and get back to you on the next Superfly.

Yeah, come up with some blabbing and yapping.

I think I'm kind of getting in a church lady mood. I kind of feel like she's got to come back, you know? You could do it.
Well, well, well. Mr.
P. Diddy.
We like lotions and oils, don't we? Do they do any Puff Daddy stuff on there? Mm-mm. Not that I maybe update jokes, but not a church lady grilling and spanking.
Okay, let's show. Heather made, this is what I was getting at.
She made over the last couple years, one year, this whole thing. This is miniature, right? Yeah.
How high is it? It's called a book nook. It goes in between your books.
It's a book nook. It goes in between your books.
Wow. That she had to- That looks like a movie set.
Yeah, it's unreal. I had to hand glue and cut out and glue every single thing in the movie.
She had to hand glue. She had to cut those little pieces of paper.
She had to glue them, open them, stick them. Was she following a guide? How did she know how to make a little tiny chair? Look, an inkwell.
It was a book with pictures and no instructions. Oh, yeah.
it was a book with pictures, but it was foreign or something. She couldn't understand.
Please tell me you did BTS. Oh.
Oh, you get a piece of wood, yeah. What kind of mind thinks of this? You couldn't do it, Dana.
Well, I would wonder when Heather finally said, huh, I'm going to make a little miniature bookshelf.

It'll take me seven years and I'll spend 2,000 hours.

One year.

But it is a lot of work.

All right, let's get to the news before you have to give me all your stuff.

What's the first headline news?

Here we go.

What's going on in America? Yeah, what's the

haps?

And we just talk about it. Okay,

there we go. Oh, this is the kid that

trashed Walmart.

What would you, okay, how about this situation?

You're in Walmart. Someone's

trashing it. Here, play the video.
What do you do?

No, I don't

see the parents. Oh.

Do you say anything?

Well, you just go and stop her immediately.

First thing you do is grab her.

Everyone's saying don't stop her.

Don't touch her.

Don't do anything.

Because the parents aren't there?

I don't know where they are.

Then she starts breaking jars. Now this record her.
That's what's mine. Now this woman's saying, don't even record her.
Yeah, there you go. Oh, finally.
You just have to kind of gently hold her. Are those her parents grabbing her? I don't know.
I thought that I would do. Yeah, you just have to kind of stop her.
It's called a tantrum, David. You know a thing or two about that.
Your mom and I talked. I threw the worst fucking tantrum.
I don't know i thought yeah you just have to kind of stop her it's called a tantrum david you know you know a thing or two about that your mom and i talked through the worst i don't like my breakfast but when i grew up well i'd throw tantrums in my house and i can get away with it if i did a store it would be i would get hit by not even anyone i knew someone would just hit me and everyone would applaud because back then I think you could discipline other people's kids I think it was pretty cool because if you're going that crazy well you just have to first thing you do is just got to stop it's got to stop it made me crazy to watch that yeah yeah it just you just have to kind of gently stop her from doing it if you're not the parent, but you got to stop them.

That's my opinion. I know it's a hot take.
It's a hot take. Would you do it if you were in Walmart? Throw things around like she does? No, would you do the one tackling? I wouldn't tackle.
I don't think you'd have to tackle her. If you're saying gentle and I'm like, so you tackle? Okay.
Well, she looked like maybe a 50-pound little girl, kind of.

I mean, it might be rough stuff for you, but you know, I work out a lot. I could fight some of the weight 50 to 70.
That's my weight plus. 50 to 70.
I would gently have gotten down and I would have said, let's throw something together. And so I would throw like a roast turkey and i and then i would say to her you know you i owe you an ice cream let's go to a woolworth's woolworth you remember wool well ride aid has them sometimes too there's random like suddenly there's an ice cream store right next to the fire yeah it's so weird i've seen that And then the cashier has to walk over and they're like, hey, do you have cookies and

cream?

I'm like, I got to go.

Well, can't they have a part-time employee over there?

Like, okay, you're a line of 40 people.

I'll see you in three minutes.

I'm going to do two double scoops over here for a second.

Too convenient.

No wonder they're going bankrupt.

It's not the smash and grabs.

It's inefficiency. Good Lord.
Get with the program. Next one.
Get with the program. Okay.
Oh, okay. What is your take on this? So DiCaprio is staying at a hotel in Bali or something.
He is checking out. The staff alerts everyone.
So they're all waiting for him in the lobby.

And he ices all of them.

Almighty ices.

I think that's maybe his girl.

So he fakes on the phone.

And a song.

How does...

Oh my God. How embarrassing.
That's all for him? Yeah. Oh, is it a traditional reception they do? I bet it's a tradition for everybody who walks through there.
They're like, he's gone and we're not even through the first verse maybe they all watched uh once upon a time in hollywood he was really good in that well they all know him they're probably just saying like hey can you play along what do you do dana you goof around with those people um i'm a little codependent because i'm mostly a homebody. I'm not out at airports all the time, but I did get, I think I talked about this.
I came off the last flight from New York at LAX and there was a big smiling gang of people with all the bobble heads. And what they do is, and again, I just said, the thing is, okay, is there a time I can do where I'm presenting well for the luck I've had in life? And there's a time when you feel like you're being used.
In the olden days, you'd have an eight-year-old come up and say, I loved Wayne's World. Could I have an autograph? And this was you.
I'm a bit older than you. And

I remember signing the autograph for you. But now it's become commerce in a business.
But

in that case, with Leo being a global superstar, you either kind of settle in for a half hour,

if you're going to start doing pictures, 45 minutes, or you just walk by. I'd like to hear

from you, Mr. Spade.
Well, I do understand. The people at the airport don't understand why I

I'm going to go. or 45 minutes or you just walk by i'd like to hear from you mr spade well i i do understand the people at the airport don't understand why i don't like them and it's because i like fans they aren't fans uh they're never happy if you stop signing and basically i say to them listen we're in a business together that i don't want to be in.
I'm 50% of a business.

I don't want to be in.

You're like, I went and bought this.

I secretly found out your flight number and your frequent flyer number.

So I know where you are at all times.

So I show up here in your hotel, which is horrible, drives me nuts.

And then I come on down here.

So you owe me to sign it.

That's your part of the deal. And then I go sell it the money i go i don't want my part and they're they're discombobulated well that's why there's gonna be a fight one day because these guys get this guy was yelling fuck you to me because i didn't sign enough and he goes you're just standing there i'm like this isn't my job i don't care if you sell that or not what are we doing here so but with dicapio when i leave i would be like yeah i would goof around with him a little bit i you know you don't want to probably get stuck with a half hour pictures if you're going to your flight but you wave and say thanks and say yeah hey i'm taking off or something i would think now he's a big star he's sort of known for being quiet.
I'm known for being loud. We don't know what here.
What we don't really know is the contacts of the video. Now, he may have stayed there, my words, not yours, for a week and a half and came doing some kind of movie or commercial these big movie stars do overseas.
So every time he went through, they played that music. And this was the 13th time.
Oh, yeah, possibly. And it just went like that.
But I will say it's a numbers game. Like Taylor Swift would have, excuse me, Taylor, pardon me, but there's 76,000 people outside that would like a picture with you.
So that's an easy one. You got to go underground or overground.
I've seen apartments in New York where they line up on both sides, like Taylor, and they get from the car, and she just walks straight in, and they all scream. But how much does she owe them at that point? She's got to do that all day, get in and out.
Well, you can't win. I mean, even in my little tiny world, if there's 20 people there, they'll just show me and they look.
You can't. They're beat up, hanging there for hours.
They show me a panel. It's got eight little plastic squares.
Oh, yeah. That's for fun.
And they tell me it's either $1.50 or $2.50 if I just go like that. And so that's $10 a panel.
I might be able to feed my family. So you just, you know, you know, they tell me I do one pick which one they go.

Okay.

This,

uh,

benchwimmer's Jersey. So I,

I signed that and they go,

and what about this?

I came all the way here.

I go,

I just said one,

pick that one.

Then you should have picked that one.

Then he goes,

my,

my daughter loves it.

And she is your biggest fan.

And she's holding a Funko like this.

And I go,

all right.

I go,

what movies do you like?

Little girl. and she goes

who the fuck are you

okay

they don't know

they just grab someone and go tell this

asshole you don't sign it he's not gonna ask you

I guess yeah

your eyes messed up

poor thing you know

I mean it's just sign this

shit this guy's gonna buy me a snow cone

that's the thing is I just go

and then the first time I sign it's a beautiful

I don't know. You know I mean Just sign this shit This guy's gonna buy me a snow cone That's the thing I just go And then the first time I sign It's a beautiful D-A-N-A And by the hundredth one It's like It's just But what I did This is what I did And it's gonna get worse if I say this But it's out there Because I was Just got bored signing things So they I started doing a little quick drawing of Garth.
So I do Garth and then people started to bring drum, drum, a Tom, Tom drum top. So, Hey, can I get a picture of Garth? So I start drawing these abstract pictures of Garth.
You can see the glasses, the hair. And so those are big.
And then once in a while, you'll see what your doppelanger is. I don't know if that's the right word.

I'll see something and they've got Mike,

you know,

it's like a Wayne's world,

Rolling Stone.

And then,

and then they have Garth now.

So that's like a big thing.

It's worth more.

Yeah.

So you would get that with,

I get that with,

if they have almost,

almost a finished bench warmers with those guys,

a grownups poster, Tommy boy, black sheep Sheep. That stuff, if you get everybody.
And I get baseballs too. What are we doing with the baseball? Why is David Spade signing a baseball? I don't know.
I don't know. No.
I get the caps that men wear in water polo. I get those.
And I go, what's the connection here, guys? I'm not in the Olympic team. I just get jock straps.
Just sign it so I can have dinner. Yeah.
No, at the beginning, I do a perfect D, perfect cursor. By the end, it's just a liquid fart.
I go, all over the thing. Okay.
Liquid fart.

You top my sloppy writing.

God damn, I hit this and yank my thing.

Anyway, I'll just say it.

Next one.

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This year old girl decided to something, a balloon. To release a balloon.
Oh, this is an interesting story. Okay.
The true story. This girl releases a balloon, puts her name, writes a note, like we all, all of us little girls do.
Go ahead. A tiny-year-old girl decided to release a balloon one day with her name and address on a note.
Apparently, this is actually her grandpa's idea to help her find a pen pal. But although they figured that nothing would come out of it, what happened next just blew everyone's minds.
You see, around a week after Laura Buxton released her balloon, she suddenly got a letter from Laura Buxton. As it turns out, after floating for more than 400 miles across England, her balloon had just landed in some random guy's backyard.
But right as this guy was about to toss it out, he suddenly recognized the name. Somehow, he actually just so happened to have a neighbor named Laura Buxton, so he simply tried returning the balloon to her.
But since she had never even seen this balloon before, she was really confused. And when this Laura Buxton finally wrote back to the address on the note, something absolutely crazy was discovered.
You see, not only were these two girls both Laura Buxton, they had the exact same eye color, age, and build. They also owned the exact same pets, a gray rabbit, a guinea pig with a marquette's butt, and a three-year-old black lap.
On top of that, when these two girls met for the first time, they somehow both wore jeans with pink sweaters and brought their guinea pigs. And both Laura Buxton's were even the exact same height of four foot seven, which was really tall for their age.
They ended up becoming close friends and still are to this day. And Snopes actually verified that all these details really are true.
They both hated Dana Carby. I would say their twins separated at birth.
Or that was too many coincidences. It was too many.
What's this Snopes? What do we have to believe about this Snopes? Yeah, who the fuck believes that? I don't even know what that is. Yeah, what is that shit? Yeah, who knows what's real or not real, but.
I believe literally everything on TikTok. I go, oh my God, next one.
Oh my God. That's what they want.
I'm a good customer. Yeah.
Well, I'm not saying you're gullible, but I'm saying you might be a little impressionable or easy to convince. I don't want to get in.
They have to get you in two seconds. So they go, this is the craziest thing I've ever heard my whole entire life.
And then you stay and they go, well, let me back up. I was born.
And then you go, then. Then they want to keep you on for as long as you can stand it.
I know. See, we don't harbor in that kind of stuff.
Maybe because we went to state school on this podcast with, like, teaser bylines and controversies. And guess what David Spade says? Yeah.
We just kind of start yapping and hope for the numbers. I just put up a TikTok and it bombed.
All right. So, okay, we'll go to the next one.
That was just sort of a human interest story. I thought it was sweet, really.
Oh, this is classic, dude. Man sent his family's $550,000 savings to a streamer.
So she would call him bro. Now talk about sounding fucking dumb and fake.
And look at this bro. That's not the real guy, bro.
Well, what would she, would she call him bro for a hundred thousand? Or how did he get to the $550,000? How about $5,000 to call me and say, bro, come meet me at the airport like they do. give me a little taste, you know, wet the beak.
I'll say, bro. I'll say, dude.
So she turned down $540,000. Get the fuck out of here.
I gave you the number. It's $550,000.
So anyway, how'd you like to be the family? I didn't want to meet her. Where's her $550,000? I just wanted to hear her call me bro.
Yeah, something's wrong. Financially ruined the family and they're surviving on plain buns.
What are the odds that the person or the entity that called him was not an AI? So he just gave over a half million to an AI. Oh, that would be worse.
At least he's really buttering up this girl but some of these girls

make so much money i mean they fart in a jar i don't want to gross you out but there's just

things they do and it just makes money and we're sitting here busting our humps i've always said

it just watch the technology the technology begats the behavior i mean the first world's

first telegraph the first message was Kansas City we need food the second message

Thank you. gats the behavior.
I mean, the world's first telegraph, the first message was, Kansas City, we need food. The second message was, Kansas City, what's your name? What are you wearing? Touch yourself.
That was the annual. I mean- Touch yourself, Dana.
That's a little risky. That's a little touchy for me.
No, I think- Yeah, that's a little frisky. This is a is a longer bit i'll just do the first part but it was a flight of fancy in my head that what was the world's first phone sex because phones when they came into the home i was real like operator get me a line or four four seven you know those little old-fashioned phones the world's first phone sex sex would have been awkward because they wouldn't know.
So it's like, hello, hello? Ma, it's Pa. Pa, what do you call me for? I got 10 kids.
I got to make dinner. What are you doing? Well, Ma, I was down at the Five and Diamond.
I saw a lady mannequin wearing nothing but her under things, and it got a fellow thinking, Ma. What are you yapping about, Pa What do you mean? What are you thinking? Well, Ma, I wondered what kind of pantaloons you're wearing today.
Pantaloons? Well, if you must know, I'm wearing my Carter Spanky Briefs. Oh, I was hoping you'd wear those Caligol print pantaloons I got you in Dodge City last year.
And that's part of the bit. I don't do that i like it kept going dodge city she went he went all the way to dodge city yeah flannel pantaloons yeah and she gets on her high horse and then she wasn't really going with it paul did you have a five cent beer because you sound drunk no ma i had a two cent beer i'm not drunk i got an old school boner and don't yell at me about it so anyway that's that that kind of stuff so but long story short today in the digital world women uh and men but especially women and with only fans are able to monetize how men are just sort of helpless.
Helpless fools. Men are the worst.
I mean, my God, who's worst? The one asking for the money and giving them money. Horny, greasy, stupid fools.
Horny. Greasy.
Stupid. And willing to depart with cash.
No joke, dude. My God.
No joke. I'm not kidding around here.
Okay, lean in. Set me up.
Set me up with my Joey. With my Joey.
Katie used to say no joke. That's right.
I still have it. Okay, I want to challenge you.
Okay. So Carson, Johnny Carson's alive today and he's going to do a monologue joke about Hunter Biden being pardoned.
Okay. Go.
Oh, we need one. I don't know.
Did you read this today, Ed? I don't know if you read this. Hunter Biden, the one who was having sex with his brother's wife, he's gotten himself in a bit of a pickle.
I heard.

I heard a rumor, yeah.

Oh, the latest is okay.

Someone got into his diary and found all sorts of unsavory things.

So apparently Hunter Biden got pardoned by his father,

and it was quite controversial because apparently he was under the charges of being drunk and holding a gun on a Saturday night

and shooting it off in the neighborhood. Obviously, it was just another night with Ed.
Don Rickles over there and said, shoot me and I'll eat a cookie. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ed's in the corner. Ed, the show started a half hour ago.
Give him a cookie, pack him in ice and put him in a home. I like pack him in ice.
Pack him in ice. Oh, the show started.
Oh, Frank Sinatra. Boboons he called.
No, I love Rickles. But Johnny, Johnny Kershyn.
What's another? I can't think of a good one. I know.
That's a hard one. What's a news story? Heather? Greg? No, no.
Any news story? Oh, she said alien stories are all over Instagram and Tik TOK, but they don't talk about the abductions as much. They used to, it's more just sightings, which is a valid point, but I think they do have when people disappear.
I think a lot of it's, I think we have a deal with the aliens where we give them some and they give us some technology.

There, I said it. The last time I saw something that really looked truly alien was Bill the Plumber fixing the faucet.
And that crack was as long as an alien spaceship. Longer than San Andreas.

I dated a woman named San Andreas a while back, and she said everything wasn't her fault.

Yo!

It's not bad.

I actually came up with a joke.

God damn, we just stumbled into one.

Woo!

All right, let's do one more. Is there anything good?

Wrap this extravagant.

And then let's let Dana lay down.

This Lollapalooza. This is cute.
this is the world's first horse mixed with something else let's see it do you think this is mortally ethical there's a ranch in casper wyoming i almost said laramie sorry laramie it's a beautiful um and they hybrided this animal between two different animal species and i I want to see if you can guess which two animal species, uh, you think it is. So the first one obvious is a horse.
So its mother was a horse. They were surprised that it came out looking like a horse given who its father was.
Now let's see if you can guess who the father, a giraffe. Yep.
Uh, they did breed it with the giraffe. Um, and not much came out from the giraffe besides two things.
One is the neck is longer than the average horse. You can, you know, you can measure it right here.
It definitely is longer, but second, pretty obvious the pattern, right? It's got the giraffe pattern. It's a little bit different.
Um, but it is beautiful. They're starting to sell them.
They're very expensive. They're almost a million're almost a million dollars a pop but are we are we messing around with nature too much or am i just being too sensitive yeah we're messing around too much what that's a little weird yeah it's very weird you hear that ed they uh what they did was they got a giraffe to make whoopee with a with a horse and uh and the only thing that came came out was the horse could not reach the apple in the tree.
He was frustrated that his neck wasn't longer. Sorry.
It's been a long day. I drove three and a half hours.
I apologize to our audience. Did that horse's neck really look longer? No, no, it didn't.
And it wasn't bred with a giraffe. It's thicker.
Oh, gross. Yeah.
It wasn't bred with a giraffe. And it wasn't.
It wasn't? No, it's all made up. Oh, listen to Dana's take on this.
It's all made up. It's made up.
They have a funny horse. It's all made up.
And they're trending with fake news. I know.
Some of it's fake. You don't know.
Made up story. Most of our stories are made up on this one.
Is that a good enough one to end with? Let's do one more. Sorry, in case we have one more.
Yeah, let's do a closer. This is called The Closer.
Okay. Oh, this drives me nuts.
This is at our goddang mall. We go to Century City.
What would you do, Heather? I was there for a smash and grab. Oh, she was there for a smash and grab.
She did oh you were okay they were laughing and stealing everything now these guys in their motorcycles just picture wouldn't that scare you they're like running you know yeah when they go they come in numbers is sort of the threatening, threatening motif.

I mean, look at the guy that writes.

Oh, I didn't see that.

I don't like it.

I just don't like that.

I don't. Crime shit.

No, that's like, it's a little bit like clockwork orange for the three people who get the reference.

And it's too accepted.

They're like, Hey, you know, here's what you should do when you get robbed.

Here's what you should do when they smash your store.

It's like, how about we have them not do that?

I'll see you next time. people get the reference and it's too accepted they're like hey you know here's what you should do when you get robbed here's what you should do when they smash your store it's like how about we have them not do that how how why are why are the stores the problem like you should pay to get more you should pay to get thicker glass but no how about arrest somebody instead of yeah because we went through this and we went through the lawless west where yeah 20 cowboys would come in shoot their guns and everyone would cower you know we'll be back tomorrow and i hope you have that bag of gold right but then they'd fix them then we went through law and order and stop it sir freeze and all that stuff and now we're right back to wild wild west up there on motorcycles i mean god dang it's just like everywhere you go they're boarding up somewhere someone else lost their whole business you go what would it sound like when they were boarding up hang on what do you say what oh we're gonna have to okay uh this okay we got it oh she's she's going to shoot hoops, try to hit this basketball.
Yes, it's a triple dipter. Okay.
Okay. That's one.
This is a three-pointer. For shot number two.
We're going back up in just a little bit. That was actually a really perfect shot.
Keep going. Back up.
Okay, this is one shot. Shot number two.
Okay, Dana. She can angle.
one shot shot number two okay dana uh she's got angle shot number three we're going back even further shot i think it's real it looks good if it's fake that's a tough one look at that she didn't even act like it was a big deal chris farley's sister you see that stands and that's the triple. Look at that.
She didn't even act like it was a big deal. Chris Farley's sister.
You see that? Stamps and that's the triple. Well, if that's real, hats off, I'd say.
That was a good one. That's a lot of practice.
She spends a lot of time doing that. How many thousands of takes in the thousands? What would it be? It took two years to get that video.
For you to do it, how many years? How long it'd take Heather to make the dollhouse? What would be the hardest one? It would be Heather in the dollhouse times 10. How long was the dollhouse? A year.
It seemed like the Frisbee would be the one, but because she banked it. Yeah, you could do it on an angle.
But still, yeah, I would have to, you know, maybe it was an optical illusion, Like the basket was like eight feet across or something. I bet I could do the football one first.
Yeah, sure. Football.
Yeah. I look like Gervitz today.
Yeah, it's Prada. You like Prada? I have a shirt just like that, except mine's expensive.
Hey, handsome. And this is your guide through the lexicon that is show business constantly.
I see all your money's not going back in the wardrobe. Okay.
Oh, you hate money. That's okay.
Some people like it. Dana likes it.
Rob Lowe likes it. I said I know Rob Lowe's every other billboard.
Good for us. We're trying to wait on this kick that Heather's sending.
We might have to start with it next week because I went to the doctor today, Dana, so I'm feeling a little goosey still. Are you feeling still like gave you a little mad or something something there's still a little well they get they just checked they just i don't think it's bad deal they injected me with uh dye or something heroin yeah and they said um but when they do it you can't eat which i don't like i have a little blood sugar so i don't like to not eat so i go i gotta get right in there and just do it but they have to put the uh stickers on me you know yeah for they didn't make me take off my shirt but of course she goes up to my neck under my shirt she's like okay where are your pecs i'm like you're close just stick did they shave your chest they shaved my pubes for uh even though they didn't put any electron nitrog thing down.
I didn't want to make any waves. I just said, do what you got to do.
And then they put the stickers on and they changed them. They weren't like perfect.
They look at the monitor and go, they changed maybe 45 times. I kept going, have you guys done this before? What's going on? They're like, we just got to get a good connection.
It's like a car battery. They're like, nah, nah, nah.
I'm like, because they kept going. Then you go in there and then we inject your veins with dye.
And I'm like, bleh. Then it feels very weird.
It's a little warm. Really warm.
Really warm. I didn't want to tell you.
Pulsating headache. Mm-hmm.
And a pup tent, they said, was not related.

So you got kind of turned.

They injected you with Cialis.

Yeah, I go, is there any Viagra?

Let's go to a gas station and grab a boner pill by the cashier. I like some Viagra.

I like when they're right by the cashier.

You know, when you go to check out your gas.

I didn't notice that.

And they go, herbal Viagra, huh?

Rod for the road, maybe?

Where are you going, Irvine?

Maybe a boner for no reason?

I'm like, eh, throw one in.

Yeah, why not?

You're in a lot of quick stop gas station places with all kinds of synthetic beef jerky.

How do you like it?

It's 4% actual beef, beef jerky. It's synthetic.
All right. I'll tell you more about stuff next week.
Yeah, I want to know what the results of the test was. Oh, yeah, me too.
I'll read them live on the air like Maury. Pulpich.
Oh, wait. this is me making a shot kicking

tito's bottle when i was on lights out one try one try my girl's going wild hat

chris rock and i did a gig that's but did it go somewhere you just kicked oh you just kicked it

off this is like for charity i did a thing I could do a spin kick and kick off the little top of a Tito's bottle. Did you need to have to ice down after that low stance and the physical movement? Yeah, show it again, actually.
Let's show it again. Ready? Oh, God, it starts too fast.
You can't even get your bearings. What? Dude dude i have the exact same shoes on right now um that's me going whoa mustache is pretty meager i mean meager it's crispy mustache is a little yeah a little light but i pulled my hamstring, my quad, my thorax.
Let's bring Lights Out back. That was a fun show.
That was fun. We might.
But next time, don't call a show Lights Out because good night, Mr. Spade.
It's like calling a show canceled. I might have my new haircut next week.
I'll tell you. I'll let you know.
Are you really? You're not serious about that. You're not going to.
I'm trying. I think I'm cutting the side from like here off.
What do you mean? Like it's. Point in the back.
So you'll have a little bit of like a crew cut, just stubble around your ear. I think.
I've seen that style, but not on anyone over 30 years old.

Well, you can do it if you're a pop star.

I'll tell you, it's going to be great.

All right, I got to go. I got so many things going.

All right. All this dye in me.

This

has been a presentation of Odyssey.

Superfly is executive produced by

Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna

Weiss-Berman of Odyssey,

Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.