Patton Oswalt

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Patton Oswalt, he is, I'm just going to say, he's a dandy this guy has been in our I love the figure speech in our living rooms for decades great stand-up uh has a new game show we talk about what was really fun for me is he is a he is a movie buff and um I just I watched the killers the Stanley Kubrick film, 1958. So he was so excited to talk about that.
And of course, Planet of the Apes fanatic. So all that is really a fun part of this.
And then also, he came through the whole San Francisco comedy club scene. I had left a little bit before he arrived, but he talks about how he became Patton Oswalt, how he became a great standup from all of his travails in that arena.
Super easygoing guy, easy to laugh, had a nice time chatting with him. And yeah, we got into all that stuff.
even i jumped in on some of those movies that i knew and um yeah and we did break down the idea that sometimes wikipedia pages are inaccurate that's true we do go into that for a while i usually try to find someone something on wikipedia that they don't think is there and i'm like this, this can't be real. And then it usually is not real.

And they're like, where did you get that?

I'm like, it says it.

Yeah.

I've had some funny stuff on my Wikipedia page.

We talk about that.

And so he was just a really fun, easy person to hang out with for an hour.

All right.

Here he is.

Patton Oswalt.

Also, are there any other Pattons, really? I mean, there was a famous actor named Patton, right? Not you, but someone. Well, there's a Paula Patton, and then there's a.
Oh, yeah. Last name, though.
Yeah. And then who's that other great, great actor? Will Patton.
But there's no first name Patton. And you're named after General Patton, which is pretty cool.
Dad was a Marine, had high hopes. I thought you were named after Paula Patton.
He was also, he is weird. He actually predicted her becoming a star.
Three years before she, yeah, he was like, I feel like there's going to be this actress paul is great i did a movie with paula she played my love interest shocker of the century god you're always the boyfriend wow and guess what it was a she was a bit resistant to that i think she's maybe we won't go there first or maybe was cast, but I'm sure she's reading the script. And it was a Sandler movie, and I'm sure she's like, oh, I guess I could make out with Sandler.
And then there's a little bit of a mix-up. Because when you read, actually, this is true.
When you read the script, I'm the lead, and Adam's the second lead. So I read it thinking I was the second part.
Adam goes, no, you're the other part. And I go, that's the lead.
And so Paul is probably reading it going on. I just thought of that.
Oh my God, it's horrible. Was that where Sandler's a military assassin badass and you're kind of the nerd? Yeah.
Yeah. I thought that was good.
Yeah. No.
No, not Zohan. It was one of the Netflix ones.
It's all right. Wasn't he also like an elite assassin? Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
He's always an elite something. Elite something.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man.
Have you ever gotten to play a badass in a movie? Oh, no, no. I'm always the guy.
Me neither. I'm in a lot of badass movies, but I'm the guy either building the equipment or telling the badass like hey be careful with this building equipment yeah i'm handing equipment over to people uh and like i'm giving ryan reynolds or wesley snipes a piece of vampire killing equipment or something like that i just sharpened the steak sir it's ready to go yeah have you ever thrown a punch in a movie no and listen here's where to the sound effect i've never thrown a punch but i was on conan a few years ago and they put together a real i apparently get my ass kicked a lot in movies and tv shows so there's a whole thing from magnolia and justified and burn note where i'm just getting either killed or horribly beaten up or tortured so you were in magnolia yes because that's kind of a work of art as a movie i mean it's for it's brilliant right it's brilliant but anyone who works with paul timers hendersonanderson will tell you, they don't give you the whole script.
They send you your pages. Oh, so ballsy.
So ballsy. So all I had was I'm beaten up in a casino, and then I'm suddenly, I'm in a green wetsuit, and I'm hanging in this tree in the valley, and they're dumping Arrowhead waters over my head to keep me from passing out because it was so hot and i said paul what the fuck is going on what is this and he just said um i'll just put it this way you're the first frog that falls out of the sky and it'll make sense to you when you see the movie no it won't you'll be even more confused when it happens go watch magnolia so So Tom Cruise got the sides and it just said, respect the cock.
And he didn't even know the context of that. I think he, well, I feel like maybe Tom Cruise's people were able to go.
Can we see the whole script? A few extra pages. Yeah.
But when you're at Patton Oswalt, whatever they like, here's your page. We'll see you in Reno in two weeks.
Yeah. got david just get stage directions you just get stage directions on that you don't even get dialogue grown-ups that just said you have shorts on i said all right well i'll do it yeah i can hang on i can use shorts perfect i mean exactly that's great please can they be pleated let me talk to adam we'll get back to you yeah oh you mean those little miniature miniature script pages that people have in their pocket? Minisides.
Minisides. Minisides.
Hell yeah. Woo, bringing out the minisides.
Sometimes I'll look in movies, I'll look in the pant legs and see if I can spot either minisides or cell phones. You always look for the little minisides folded up.
Oh, yeah. You look at Game of Thrones and you see a 7-Eleven cup and some mini sides

and you're like,

oh, wait, when was this shot?

I thought it was 1440.

They had Blackberries then.

Didn't they literally have to go in

and do like CGI

to get rid of a Starbucks cup

in an episode of Game of Thrones

near the end?

Because it was apparently so chaotic

at the end that they just couldn't, you i i heard some guy kit maybe it was the car from night rider but someone named kit yeah was saying that uh that it was so hard at game of thrones they go people didn't like the ending but you know what it we just wanted to get out of it it was too much like freezing and oh man all the things you't even think about. You're wearing 48 pounds of armor.
Ever seen a pelt of a goddamn walrus. You're like, guys.
Yeah. Well, it's always interesting when you talk to crew members about what are good movies.
And they're like, like, yeah. Oh my God.
You did crew on there will be blood. Like that sucked.
It was just like dust and wind. And you're like, Oh yeah yeah you also did alvin and the chipmunks too that was a great movie we were on a cruise ship it was a buffet like their perspective on filmmaking is so different than ours when they're we're going for art they're like no i i will happily do are you kidding grown-ups for your greatest movie ever made it was so much fun shit yeah that the crew has a good time too because they sit in truck most crews sit in trucks i mean yeah it's you have to have someone for everything if you're listening so if you say adam goes we need a bow and arrow where's call props then props runs up and goes we have a bow and arrow and he's like uh let me check the truck which means no yeah and then they have to send someone to go get one but you know it's just you you don't want to waste time so everything's there in case of whatever yeah they go through the script and they try to imagine every possible thing that might get riffed on the day oh he might want this let's have it well comedies are horrible like i'm sure on pta's movies it's very precise but with that are comedies, you know you're ad-libbing and there's some things where they go, hey, you come out of here.
I came out of a closet in one of the grown-ups movies from a hangover. And they go, oh, what if you had one of the sweaters on from one of the women because you're just drunk? Okay.
Then that did turn into, what if you have a bow and arrow? What if you have a hat on? What if you have a catcher's mask on? And then they just went into props and go, what's the funniest shit that would be in a closet that I could, we wearing all of it. And then we came up with like eight things.
And the last one was I take the coat off and I've got one of those breast pump things on that the wife had earlier. So I'm like, there we go.
Finally. Did it jump the shark at any point or was it just funnier? It actually got funny because we took half a day to go through each one and go, which one is the funny one? Which one's the last one? And then the dog came out after me and I was like, oh, there you go.
And they said something like always with a blonde because the dog was like a golden shirt. I mean, you make it funnier I just imagine the props People walking in the truck going The comedians are riffing again That's what I'm saying Here we go Oh god David Spade has some ideas Make some coffee We're going to be here late He's brainstorming Triple overtime He's not one on the call sheet We don't need to make some coffee.
We're going to be here late. He's brainstorming.

Triple overtime.

He's not one on the call sheet.

We don't need to hear his ideas.

What was that story that Michael Keaton told when his little son was in like kindergarten and they did like career day,

like what do your parents do?

And Michael Keaton was kind of pumped up like,

because his son had visited him on sets thinking,

oh,

he's going to my dad's movie star.

And then when they got to his son, son went my dad lives in a trailer he just said that's what he thought his dad did for a living he went and sat in a trailer all it's true he never saw him actually nine minutes a day yeah he visited him in a trailer i mean batman those movies are like they say they shoot a quarter page a day so it's mostly stunts and then you got to be on some wires and a screen i and i complain because i'm not in them i imagine you're bolted into that costume like they're apparently in on the the the christian bale ones like he has to like lean against the wall like you know like when you do a period thing and the dresses between shots they have the women like lean because they don't want to, you can't sit down. They don't want you to mess with the dress.
That's how it is with a bat. He kind of leans on this plank against the wall to keep the costume okay.
Do the agents and managers come and visit him? Does his team come and visit him? You're like, it's their way of going. You're literally a prop.
Like we are leaning you against the wall in between these shots we can't it's always just your eyes and those things you're like hey that's ben affleck no it's george queen well either way get stuffed in this thing and then yeah jump around how great is by the way how happy is robert downey jr he's got iron man and now dr doom they're gonna have close-ups of his face and'll shoot in some studio, and the rest is a stuntman in a suit. It's the best job ever.
I was thinking of that. $62 million or no, for the two movies? That's insane.
It's something that he doesn't need. It's also, what was it? Maybe not.
Deadpool has that costume on, which it took me three movies to go, wait, when is it him? When is a guy gesticulating in scenes in a two shot? And the Ryan is, you know, voiceover is a whole scene. I don't know.
Well, it's very smart on his part. He has a business empire.
I mean, he's doing so many things. He only does two days on Deadpool.
The rest is the side of 300. And then counts his moolah.
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Some people follow the rules, but where's the fun in that? I'm Soraya and this is Rule Breakers, the podcast where we celebrate the rebels, the misfits and the ones who make their own way. every week i sit down with the biggest rule breakers in sports entertainment and beyond to talk about talk about the wildest moments, toughest lessons, and why breaking the rules might just be the key to success.
Follow and listen to Rule Breakers with Soraya, an Odyssey podcast available now for free on the Odyssey app and wherever you get your podcasts. So, Pat, one thing I find interesting about you and comedians in general stand-ups uh you're on the road and what is there to do so you try to see a movie yes so and i your thing you wrote a book about it you're like downtown but i saw a lot a lot of movies because that's how you feel that day yes and i did see a list i don't know if it was legit but it was you were online going top worst sci-fi movies and top best yes well you i'm sure it was just off the top of your head there's some missing here yeah well it was also that thing my my work because i've been in enough movies now to know that even the quote-unquote worst movies, people broke their back making those things.
Like, they really worked hard. Right.
So, to me, a bad science fiction movie is one that has a great premise, and they don't run with it. Like, they just kind of, eh, you know, or they don't have any fun with it.
Right. Weirdly enough like a movie like deep blue sea is on my

top five worst thing even though i see it it is the most insanely entertaining bad science fiction movie like the whole premise is nuts where yes they're trying to cure alzheimer's and they need to operate on these sharks but the side effect is the sharks become super intelligent so you're Like, wait a minute.

So to help grandma, to stop grandma pooping in her pants, the sea is now filled with genius level, unstoppable killing. I love it.
That's kind of brilliant. It feels like a Michael Bay.
That pitch sold in about eight seconds in Hollywood. Exactly.
Yeah. So I love that kind of, that kind of thinking.
Also, they, they could have gone so far where the sharks have to do the operations because they're the smartest ones now. That, oh my God, that would have been brilliant if the sharks become so intelligent.
Yeah. That they start experimenting on us.
The, that, that would have been a genuinely brilliant bonkers twist. Cause you don't see it coming.
like oh my god shark's like scalpel and his little thing deep blue sea again yeah it's not too late do it again good cast i'm looking it up saffron burrows love sam jackson comes with any project yeah uh thomas jane lod. Stellan Skarsgård, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah. I like to buy an S.
I just want to bet. Sam Jackson has a scene.
It has one of the best scenes in a movie. I don't know.
Have you guys seen Deep Blue Sea? No. Okay.
David knows what I'm saying. I don't want to spoil the surprise for you dana i will say when the thing happens i was i saw it at the at the at the cinerama dome and the audience gave it a standing applause they were so happy it was a genuine i did not see this coming yes thank you this is fantastic should you tell dana i don't know maybe all right i don't think it would hurt pause it for a second if you don't want to hear this i kind of have a sense of what the speech might be well in the middle of the movie sam they're like the situation is dire they got to get themselves off this uh lab and sam jackson's and this is right after pulp fiction and he starts one of his sam jackson speeches where he's talking about yeah if you think water is bad i'd try ice i was trapped on a mat and it is this build and then a shark comes out of the water and just bites him in half like in the middle of Jackson.
It is so goddamn perfect. And you know that when Sam Jackson read that, when they gave him the strip, he was laughing his ass off and went, there's no way I'm not doing this.
This is going to be fantastic. No one saw it coming.
Once in a while, it occurs to me that I think Samuel L. Jackson may be the American movie star in the last 30 years only because of all the different quadrants he occupies go ahead well also because he's just one of those guys that when he's on screen what do you do with everyone else he's just it's just the you're completely drawn to him it's ridiculous just get out of the way except travolta was pretty good with a weird haircut pulp fiction as far as holding his own you know yes yeah they call it what do they call a big mac in paris what was that one that royal with cheese well travolta was also smart enough to go this guy is on fire i'm just going to lean back and just comment on his stuff rather than try to overdo him.
If I just kind of hang back and go, uh-huh, that will give me that kind of focus. Travolta had that gear.
When he's dancing with Uma Thurman, the minimalism he's doing with it is so charismatic. Versus Saturday Fever.
It's the smallest dance ever. He's barely moving, but it's just electric.
said i did grease i did sound at fever where i was just huge dancing and uh i can't do it again i'm gonna go small plus he was that was a comeback movie right so he's probably saying i don't want to steal focus i don't want to i mean well a lot going on for travolta in that movie here's the weird thing about when they call pulp fiction a comeback movie for travol was a comeback, I guess, in terms of getting to do really good movies. But people forget when he did Saturday Night Fever, he took a cut of the soundtrack.
When he did Grease, he took a cut of the soundtrack. That guy was not in any need of a comeback.
He was fine. So it was just like, oh, I mean, this movie.
And it apparently tarantino had seen blowout which when travolta made it he had really bad insomnia which is when you watch it he's kind of like haunted and foggy and weird and that's where tarantino was like that's the performance i want i want that character and he did lucas talking you know uh tarantino yeah so he was out there, but the thing was is Tarantino has this knack for, for the casting. That's, that's amazing.
And he was going around town with Travolta. And he said, it was like being with Elvis of the Beatles.
This was, he already wanted him that that way was so big that a three, four year gap where maybe he wasn't out there as much.

He actually came to visit Saturday Night Live just to see what it was like to be a host.

He was just hung out for a week.

And he talked about, you know, you get your mansion, forgive the impression, you get your mansion in Maine where it's not so expensive.

You fly your plane in there.

He was so set to your point.

Complete businessman.

To get a piece of grease, the publishing rights on that. Ridiculous.
Yeah. Two of the biggest soundtracks in history, and you can't ever be that level of fame.
You can't. Two in a row, and then he was always famous, but he probably wanted to get another big movie, but Pulp Fiction was a great one.
Could I play a game with Patton? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ooh.
Two best science fiction movies of the 60s. I'll pick two.
Two best science fiction movies of the 70s. Nice.
David picks the winner. I'm too young for this game, but go ahead.
I'll play along. David is a dewey ingenue.
Why are we making him do our old man cinema game? I will just tell you which ones I've heard of.

It's for our audience.

No, I'll be curious.

I have a sleeper one that you may not think of.

Okay.

So from the 60s?

The 60s.

Two best from the 60s versus two best from the 70s.

I just made this up, by the way.

No, that's two best from the 60s. I'll go with Planet of the Apes.
Whoa. Yeah, and which really has aged well and is kind of brilliant.
And this is so, it's such an easy pick, but it's such a good movie. 2001 A Space Odyssey is so frigging brilliant.
This is something you might appreciate. When theyissued it at the arc light there's it's gone now i saw it five times over a period of six weeks and the final time it was only one guy down below in the dome and me it was like a private showing i got possessed by it uh yeah and that's where it literally it's the the center the the screen like bent it a little bit.
It was so wide screen. It was crazy.
It's ridiculous. It's a meditation.
It's so brilliant. I don't even know how Kubrick does it.
I want to ask you a quick question because I just love movies. Why is it that I'll see the modern, you know, Planet of the Apes sequels versus King Kong, whatever, with cgi and they're perfectly okay what is it about the magic of planet of the apes why even though it was prosthetic makeup i mean i have my own ideas why does it hold up so brilliantly i mean and i have my ideas but i think you would have the same because of what you just said you know the limitations they had in terms of technology and makeup and they still pulled it off.
Still was very real. Yeah, and some of the shots, that shot of Charlton Heston running and then he almost hits the camera and then they zip over and rack focus to the gorilla on the horse.
That must have been so hard to pull. And it just stunned because it's not, it doesn't pop out.
He's just standing in the field, like doing his thing, which makes it even more freaky when you see it happen. You know, there's just, and also not to drop a name, whenever I talk to Quentin about that movie, what Quentin loves about that movie is Dr.
Zaius is completely right. The villain of the movie is Charlton Heston.
Zayas is trying to stop him and he succeeds in the end. He's like, walk down that beach.
I'll tell you what's, I'll tell you who you are. And he does.
He's like, Oh, we're the reason, you know, like craziest ending, by the way, that gave me the chills. It's still chilling to this day.

And when they do, like, okay, when they show, when you see the Statue of Liberty, no music, just the sound of the waves.

And he's just there.

And we're gone.

So scary.

It's so final.

It's so final.

Heston in the mature Heston, post Ben-Hur Heston, the Soylent Green Heston in the mature heston post ben-hur heston the soylent green heston the omega man heston um is so magic um one thing also you know i was taking my son to see one of the new planet of the apes years ago yeah yeah and the very first shot is the ape face comes down on the screen and it was the the first reissue. And I remember that 20 minutes of Rod Serling, I guess, dialogue in the desert.
Yeah. All this anticipation, as opposed to they get off the ship, they get to the shore, and then they see the monkey on the horse.
So that, you know, I'm a grumpy old man, but it was so magic just having them philosophize walking through this planet. What about Charlton Heston saying another crazy big part of a movie, Soylent Green, is People.
It fucking gave you the chills. You're like, what? Yeah.
And they really leave it hanging that they almost established he's screaming it. And you almost think, I bet if they told all these starving masses that while you're eating recycled people, a chunk of them would go, all right, as long as I don't die.
Like it's been terrifying. Yeah.
That's what's so terrifying about it. He was screaming.
No, but Edward G. Robertson in that movie.
Oh. I mean, that's the thing about great science fiction, when it hits you that emotionally,

and you're not even really ready for it, but yeah.

By the way, I'm sure you guys know movies,

but I'm not telling you anything you don't know.

You know Hal 9000 in 2001?

Oh, yeah.

You know the joke in that, right?

No.

H-A-L, go to the next letter of the alphabet for each of those letters. H-I.
I-B-M. A-B.
It's IBM. IBM.
Okay. Just a little insight.
A little like. A little Easter egg.
A little Easter egg. A little Easter egg.
Dana loves that movie. Isn't that one of your top movies ever, Dana? Yeah, I would say, well, what's a better topic for a film than how did we get here? And this plausible thing of that we were seeded by aliens.
Yeah. I mean, what is a better moment than throwing the bone in the air turns turns the spaceship.
I'm sorry. Maybe it's cliche at this point.
No, no. But, but at the time that must've also been stunning.
And it's also, there's something really, there's another little hidden jab at humanity where at the beginning, the aliens come down, they seed us with intelligence and they help us fight over a fucking water hole, and we win this hole. We win the hole.
And then that bone becomes a satellite going around the moon. And what are we doing on the moon? We're fighting with the Russians over a hole that we've dug in the moon with another thing in it.
Nothing's actually changed. The technology is different, but we're all the same.
Same fights are going on, same bullshit. So I just love that there's there's that little oh we're just fighting over holes in the ground and what kubrick did cinematically is he kind of blurred out a little bit the the apes um he made it surreal in a way yes um there's a yeah diffuseness to it it's not that detail and then when they yeah go ahead i could talk about that forever no no no and a lot of it we'll have you back yeah go ahead a lot of it is shot in in long or wide shots almost like you're watching a nature documentary they don't bother getting in close because the personalities don't matter you're just watching the oh fuck i didn't think about that and then the the effect on the uh when the ape opens his mouth after winning the battle with the electronic effect on his on his growl, like those choices by Kubrick.
You just sort of like I watched The Killing. Oh, God.
A couple of days ago. Really? Yeah.
It's so good. Because I'd seen Paths of Glory also in the last year which blew my mind um another kubrick film from the 1950s but the killing is just i mean uh it's heartbreaking it's one of the first times i'd seen in a movie who was the actor who played the sterling hayden oh no not uh elijah elijah jr poor elijah cook he plays uh the cuckold to the woman who doesn't love him at all and uses him and he's so heartbreaking but anyway oh yeah um what do you guys think of uh because the time machine sorry go ahead really quick i just love that when sterling hayden goes to buy the brief the big suitcase to put his money in he walks out of the pawn shop and there's a poster for a strip club next to him performing that night lenny bruce which was just they were on the street and it was oh lenny bruce is over there okay great and the little dog and the money flies everywhere you know it's just uh it's so great uh time machine not saying it's a a perfect movie, but I saw that as a kid.
And the first part of it with Rod Taylor, with the Time Machine, and you see the clothes changing, pretty magic. Yeah.
And the frigging Morlocks are really disturbing, just pulling those Eloi down into the ground. Yeah.
That stuff is still creepy as hell. I know.
So anyway, you guys want to talk about movies or stand up? I want to hear about six pack. Then I will get off of it.
I figured that that's so bad. It's good.
Right. That is one of those things back in the early days of IMDB.
You could write anything you wanted. And someone added that to my IMDB.
And I've just never changed. I just love that.
It's just there. There's also some stuff in my Wikipedia that is so blatantly untrue, but I'm like, I don't want to change it.
I love that. Like his comedy deals with cuneiform calligraphy.
I'm like, great. Leave it there.
Great. Have it be there.
Good. I put one in mind about like, I used to house like baby weasels or something and something dumb that stayed in there forever and the same thing it asked about but i just looked up six pack gorgeous diane lane um kenny rogers as brewster baker it just looks like a movie i would have killed sounds fun yeah the poster is exactly that fun cartoony smoky iny in the band, whatever.
That style from the old days. Everyone's like a cartoon animated drawing.
Yep. Looks great.
Looks fun. Really quick.
I mean, I got to shoot Kenny Rogers on an episode of Reno 911. So I got to hang out for a day with him, and he could not have been a cooler guy.
He was just the most chill, fun. So I feel like Diane Lane and everyone in that film was like, yeah, we hung out with Kenny Rogers and did a race car movie.
It was great. Of course.
So did you ritually assassinate him or did you just shot him casually? He's doing a book signing and the Reno Chair Department is doing all the security around. They're doing so much security that no one knows where the book signing is.
So no one is showing up. And then I'm this crazed guy.
Like they dress me up like Mark David Chapman. And I go, what condition is your condition in Kenneth? What can, like, I'm kind of bobbing up and down there to totally ignore me.
And then I just sounds fun. And I go, I love you, gambler.
And I shoot him in the stomach and run away. What a funny part.
You're giving him respect. Yeah, I love you, gambler.
And I shoot him in the stomach and run away. What a fun episode.
The funny part. You're giving him respect.
I love you, gambler. Yeah, exactly.
I love you, gambler. And then the police, all the Reno guys around him, and he goes, go get the mall security.
I need protect. Like, he doesn't want them helping me.
Go find mall security, please. Here's an impression of a Kenny Rogers concert.
He walks out to applause. He starts to sing and someone goes, do gambler.
Yeah. His whole life.
Do it. He goes, I already did it at the beginning.
Do it again. Do gambler.
Do gambler. Do gambler.
Gambler. Do funny.
In the middle of every song. Interesting.
As far as Wikipedia pages, because when people, they put something on mine too. They, it on my wikipedia page i was previously married to a woman named leah and then people just assumed it was true i go no it's not true and then they always go but you must have known someone named leah no it's completely made up well you might have dated someone or someone no no no so she's totally out of the picture now you're right no never in the picture i don't know if you've experienced that people, well or someone.
No, no, no, no. So she's totally out of the picture now.
I don't know if you've experienced that. Well, you must have.
No, no, no. So it was an acrimonious divorce because you kept her off your Wikipedia page then, right? Then they go to that.
So you had a deal. You protest it sounds like you're hiding something.
You have an NDA. There's no way to ever escape it.
It's always guilty. Then cut to like five years later.
Is your marriage a woman named Leah? Yeah, I was. You just completely beat me down.
Leah, Leah, Leah, Leah, Leah. Ever think of getting back with Leah? I got Leah off camera right now.
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Oh, what about down Periscope? Listen, I now. Okay, let's get into some.
Yeah. What year was that? Because listen, I down Periscope.
It's fun. You know, stupid Dana and I have the same manager.
And he's like, got a movie for you. Down Periscope.
want to see you. All you got to do is show up, go have a meeting.
And I'm like, okay. And he goes, let me ask you something.
They just told me, you're the only guy that came into a movie with the part and left without it. I go, why? What happened? He goes, that's a nice manager.
He goes, you talked him out of you. I go, because whatever the part was was i didn't think it was right for me and so i kind of expressed just talked to him about it and left thinking i don't know what i'll do when i get this offer and he goes oh there's no offer you he he said you walked in and told me you don't want to do it i go no no no i just said and then i was like i kind of did i don't know that was the weirdest uh meeting i've ever had because that's what happened but down periscope i go it was sort of up my alley i maybe it was i was playing the exact same thing i just played something stupid i don't know what year was that by the way yeah what was that 95 okay so you were already you were famous at that point no no no i I had done but not you pat and you were not but david no no david was oh yeah well what did you do in that let's see i'm trying to figure this movie kelsey grammar was the lead i literally have one line it's what got me my my um sag card oh funny a year before i'm scrolling down imdb cast I'm running out of batteries exactly plug plug your laptop in and now david's never done this on the podcast this is very cool that you're looking up stuff i'm looking up stuff because i looked up the killing and i looked up i know well i already it's one of my favorite podcasts ever been on i love movies do over people like i was trying to do it all i could do it literally all day um i'll talk about up periscope or down periscope in the sequel up periscope all day long yeah it was it was one of those movies where i was just in the background but i was established in the background so i was there like almost every day and got to hang out with toby huss and rob schneider and andider and just like talking to, and we're just like

hanging out. It was really, really fun.
And just listening to people's stories,

you know, and cause I'd never been in a movie. I was like, I don't know what this is.

And everyone just put you, and then at one point I, cause then I got a writing job on Mad TV

and they went, you have to start next week. And I'm like, Oh God.
And I went to the director. I

said, look, I have to start this writing job. We have to shut down production for a while.
You're going to need it. Can we mouth ball this submarine set? I'll tell Kelsey.
Yeah. He'll, I'll break it to him.
No, but the, but the director was, Oh, Hey, no, he was so chilly. He was like, yeah.
Yeah. And this next scene, when they, when they succeed, like they do this whole war war game thing just get up and walk down the hall like you walk off so i physically just walk off of a submarine i guess in the middle of this movie i'm just gone i love it so weird like all right bye i gotta go start another job can you know and as far as when you did this because it overlaps with a you're younger than i am but you spent three years in san francisco yeah in the san francisco's comedy scene so there's a familiarity with people i know and you know are larry bubbles brown or mark yeah mark pitta whatever larry bubbles brown i i talk to him all the time he's one of the sweetest guys.
Alex Bennett. Yeah.
Alex Bennett. I love you.
I love Larry Bubbles Brown so much. I remember one night I was standing outside the Holy City Zoo.
And Larry Bubbles Brown was headlining. And I'm standing out there with Kevin Kataoka and some other comedians.
And this couple walks by and they're like, Larry Bubbles Brown. I keep hearing that name.
that name he's a comedian what does he do and as you're saying that the door to the holy city zoo opens like someone went outside to get his vote and you just hear suck it whore and then the door closes it was so perfect what does he oh that's what he does okay good he's the one that when we were doing secret life of pets to press you brought up where he and i are possessed by john wayne because because we're such cowards yes that he's we love that john wayne isn't only never afraid in his movies but he's literally furious at the idea that anyone else could be afraid yes he's just so in the in the searchers he's like yelling at people for being upset that other people have been killed yeah he's in a submarine with walter brennan it's like well take her down pappy we can't we can't take her down the whole submarine's gonna explode i said take her down you'll take her down all right don't make me do what i did last But he never says what he did. But anyway, we riffed on that for five hours in a car once.
And it was recorded. You had him as the Pope at one point, and it was so frigging funny.
Him trying to do the Catholic Mass, but it has that John Wayne outrage attitude to it that made it even better.

I'm not sure I believe, Duke.

I'm losing my faith.

You'll believe what I tell you to believe, Pappy.

I'm the Pope for crying out loud.

But we use it all the time just to bolster ourselves.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did you ever work with Bobcat?

Was he around?

Oh, yeah. One of the first, right when i was starting becoming a comedian i got to see him at the warner theater in dc and he let me come backstage and talk to him for a bit and we've since become friends i'm actually attending i'm attending his wedding uh reception this sunday wait it's bob doesn't tasha bob cat and, oh, what is his new bride's name? I'm blanking on her name.
Oh, I was thinking, he has a daughter named Tasha? Oh, his daughter's named Tasha. Yeah.
Yeah. I think she's a costumer now.
She's wardrobe. Oh, how fun.
I haven't seen her since she was a baby. Isn't he from Indiana or is he living there now or no? He lives in Indy.
He lives in Indiana and he owns these two ducks and he traveled cross country with these ducks. He has these pet ducks and was sneaking them into hotels.
And at his wedding, the ducks were the two, like they went down the aisle with their little bow ties to him. Like he's just, I know know he's originally from Boston, and he directed my third to last special,

and his daughter did all the wardrobe for me.

Yeah, so he was just, he's such a brilliant director.

He's such a, I mean, we're such good friends.

I'm so crazy.

Well, you and he would match up nicely.

He is incredibly interesting to talk to.

Dana, he got me, you know, and I did a Police Academy movie.

I think some people knew that he was in it, so I was doing stand-up i was new but he he helped me out i opened for him for a while you know he told me he's a good piece of advice patten what i was i was on the road with him and he was doing like fucking two three thousand seaters you know oh yeah and he'd throw in it's really different to be a newer comic and do a club and then do a big theater. Yes.
He said, the reason you're getting heckled so much. It's another way for saying bombing.
He said, quit asking the audience questions. He said, every bit started with, have you guys seen this new Michael Jackson video? And they all go, no.
And then I go, have you seen this John Wayne movie?

And they're like, for some reason, he goes, quit starting with that.

Just say, I saw this new Michael Jackson video.

And don't give him a chance to jump in.

I was like, oh, that's such a great observation.

Because it was.

I was leaving myself open every premise.

And I'd get interrupted.

And then I was spinning out.

So that really helped a lot of it. That shows you my act.
Have you seen 7-Eleven? Everyone's like, yes, go ahead. Have you heard this exercising thing? Have you heard of it? I'm waiting for an answer.
These are rhetorical, by the way, folks. How many years were you in it when you had that revelation? That was like two years.
Okay. A little too late.

I used to love going to,

watching like open mics,

even when I was an open miker,

and you would see people

that they understood

the rhythm of comedy,

but they didn't understand

how you used it in context.

So they knew all that.

So I remember seeing a guy,

I've never forgotten this.

He was on stage.

He's like,

yeah, the black on black crime is really getting out of hand. Right, ladies? No, that's not like he.
Bring the ladies into it. You're like, no, that's not.
That doesn't. It's something not working there.
Abort the mission. Abort the mission.
Am I right, fellas? Yeah, fellas. Give give me back me up i just i love stuff like that that that whole when you have to sometimes you learn the rhythm before the content and that yeah can make for some really really funny moments what what was your go-to club in san francisco then did you ever play uh rooster teaf feathers down on the peninsula hilarious in sunny veil.
Did you play? Well, okay.

I played rooster teeth feathers down on the peninsula in sunnyvale did you play well okay i played rooster teeth feathers once and then he never asked me back because his mom didn't like me mom and she was at the door collecting the money door oh really i just think he he's mean and he seems upset and i just he i just i'm uncomfortable when i. And then I said to the guy, I go, well, is your mom buying a room full of drinks? He's like, that doesn't matter.
And then that's what sealed my fate. Like I shouldn't have mouthed off, but I couldn't.
Oh yeah. I'd headline and I'd say, I have a couple guests and it would be a kerfuffle.
She'd be like, well, what can't they pay? Or what? Well i mean i fucking was well i was opening you were the headliner but i went down there and stayed at some dog shit hotel i walked a mile the next day because i didn't bring any money well i didn't have any i just said i didn't bring anybody didn't have any to bring right so i walked down after one show and i said hey can i get a draw and i think it was her and then her. And then she said, a draw of what? I go, I just need some money.
This is a secret. They give you an ice cold beer and push you out the door.
A comedy secret is, you know, you want to borrow some money for the week that you're going to make that week. So eight shows, I'm probably making $400.
But a draw stops fancy. She goes, how much? I go, I don't know, maybe a hundred bucks just for food for the week.
And she goes, you've only worked off about 77.

And I'm like, she goes, I can give you that.

I go, am I going to make a break for it now?

I mean, the show's in four hours.

I'm coming back just in case.

Here's your 71, 72.

And I was like, Jesus.

I love that.

I love the Deadwood mentality of like, well, you panned this much gold. So we can give you, we can give you, we can give you a, we can give you a, we can give you $2 or a clean woman.
Which one do you want? I'll take one chicken. Yeah.
I'll have a whole chicken and a, and a, and a 25 cent beer bag of seed. I'll work for that.
I'll work for Pete Moss. Yeah.
I didn't go, give me a couple grand. She goes, oh, you're only making $400.
I'll worry about that. She's like, oh, that's what I should have.
I'm going to go high. And then I go, I'll settle for $400.
Wow. Did you play the other cafe? I'm just curious.
Was that still around? It was around. Wait a minute.
It it had moved it wasn't in the it wasn't carl and cole no it was over in like emeryville and it was i played it once and then it closed it was yeah that and foobars and like when i moved there because i left the east coast in 92 i started in 88 right as the boom was ending. So like as I started, I saw clubs starting to close.
So then I went from D.C. to San Francisco.
And when I arrived in San Francisco, there was the zoo, the punchline, the other cafe, food bars. Cobbs.
Three times. He's Cobbs, which I finally, which I passed out after like six months.
I got to become the house MC, which was like, oh, oh God, I made it. But then as I got there, all the clubs started to close.
And I heard the stories about when the other cafe was in the hate, like legendary stories about shows where like Bob Rubin would, in the middle of his set would like just leave and get on a bus and people would like looking to see bus, just pull away. And like, that was our, what the heck? Like just these insane things that would go on.
There was a big, big window and people on the street. So I was headlining one night and there was a, a club, a lesbian club called mods down the block.
And these teenagers are eighth graders or whatever, just for fun, went over harassed them. So there was melee in the intersection.
Everyone, everyone in the club could see it to a left, a right to the body, throwing by. I mean, just a huge, huge riot.
They're going, dogs are funny. Yeah.
And your back is to like this fight. Did you ever notice? Has anyone ever been to a post office i just sat down and pointed that was my set did you guys you guys did cobs back in the day then right uh incarnations there was one down in the marina yes and then he went to a nicer one and then he finally got to the one that exists today right over on broadway wherever which i which i did last week uh it was really fun it's a good one yeah by the way did you see david tell's uh special which he shot there yes that's 36 minutes long go ahead i'll let you talk about it no no that's what i was about to say that it is this it's like the ramones first album

in the middle of right right now there's a lot of comedy specials that i think are getting a little too big and grandiose it's like right now we're in the emerson lake and palmer era of comedy specials and he just put out rocket to russia he's like no strip down joke joke joke joke joke. This is what it is.
I love that special so much. I thought it was the special of the year or whatever.
I was blown away by how tight it was. And I was just curious whether they sort of made Cobbs a little more intimate or I wasn't sure what they did, but compared to that whole, because the managers and the agents want you in front of 3 000 people so you'll get booked in front of 3 000 you work out your set in 200 100 seaters and then you go to the cavern you know it's like yeah then they are tougher yeah the ceilings are so high and you know you can still do well but there's nothing like well if you're you're doing act outs, like Patton does a lot of acting with your material and little looks and things, and just small clubs must be really nice for you.
300 seaters, 400 seaters. The new Adam Sandler special looks amazing.
Small, intimate, raw. My next special, I'm either going to shoot it.
I just did a club. I'd never done a comedy on Maine in Madison Wisconsin and oh my god it was one of the best weekends I've ever had like it's so small it's so intimate and I'm like why am I doing these massive theaters where I'm having to do this and you're just completely wired into the crowd.
It was amazing. That was another cafe.
It was 70, the one in Carl and Cole. 70 seats.
Really? Whoa. No ceilings and no hard alcohol and no blender.
That's where everything came from me and Paula Poundstone. No blender.
Well, you're three feet from the bar. Yeah, I'm there working a church like, what is that? Dude, I did a theater.
I won i won't say what city but it was a new theater and in the back was there's a balcony there's a lower but in the way back you see light and i realize it's a full bar yep but people are back there mingling and it's a little distracting for me that's directly in my eye line and they have your back towards you some of them and they're laughing because they're like hey we can serve drinks the whole time and if they want to just walk out there for 15 minutes and drink it's fine if there's a

door like a swing you know they get out of there yes they're just fucking blah blah blah i'm like

i'm watching them the whole shit and they're just and then i hear a laugh and they go like this huh

is that guy still on yeah the guy you paid to come see is still on yeah when did comedy clubs

become steakhouses like i was playing one of the improvs irvine and they're it's a full giant

I'm sorry. You paid to come see.
It's still on. When did comedy clubs become steakhouses? Like, I was playing one of the improvs, Irvine,

and it's a full giant, you know,

they're coming out with giant steaks. Oh, I know.

With a T-bone.

And I'm trying to work.

What's up?

You know, and they're just digging in.

Yeah, I love it.

Who got a porterhouse?

Yeah.

I mean, I-

You're right.

You're right.

It's like full meals.

So at the end of it,

look, the check drop is always difficult. Ooh're like, well, yeah, but they're like, at least in the comedy club, the check drop is, well, we got three beers and we got mozzarella sticks.
But now they're like, well, now hang on because you didn't say the sides with the steak were extra. I thought because I chose like there's a whole who had the caviar thought the au gratin potatoes came with the entree.
I had no, I didn't see it on sides. Show me where it's on sides.
Your closing was some bit about a homeless guy in an alley. Jalapeno poppers.
Yeah. Get Dennis in here.
Yeah. David, I don't know if you know this about me, but I've always been a fan of exploring new places.
Not like you kind of, you know, no, no offense. And one of my best trips, listen up, is when I stayed at an Airbnb.
Felt like I was living like a local with all the space, comfort of home. You know, hotels can be a hassle room service.
then the housekeeper, it's a hassle. So then you go to Airbnb and you can get whatever you want, a little cottage, this and that.
It's fantastic. You have your own separate space.
So it's a great product for people who travel. David? Yes, I have friends doing one of these right now.
If you have home you can airbnb it it's fantastic i mean um to to monetize your home when you're not there seems like a good idea i mean look i'm on the road a lot i could probably do it it's it's something that people can do when they travel they have extra space or you're at a place not full-time. You come in the winter.
You leave in the summer. That's something you should think about.
It's a way to get some extra money. And it's a cool experience.
Your home might be worth more than you'd think. Yep.
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BlueN.com do you remember i had that specific compliment i gave you when we ran into each other 10 years ago i don't there was some bit that you did i and i've heard there's something about it was someone masturbating in a tunnel or something you told the whole bit from their point of view and your point of view and i just thought it was such first level writing you know thanks man it was yeah that was when i the three months that i lived in new york i was i was doing this play and i stupidly brought my dog with me and it was just like new york if you're not used to it it is a real assault you know and and the only way i could deal with it was okay put in the head of the person that's driving you insane. A lot of the nutty people in the street and think about how they're looking at it.
And maybe that'll make some more sense to you. But yeah, I was trying to, I don't want to go to the whole bit because the bit is so grim and awful.
I don't know how, how X-rated it's memorable, but it's really grim. I mean, you guys lived in new york for years you must have

seen so much stuff where you're like i i have to disassociate myself from this this is too much you're not ready for it until you get used to it then people come visit they go you see this every day and you're like i guess i do it took took me a second but now i'm i was driving in a cab once and across the way a guy just picked up his girlfriend and just body slammed her put her over the head is like, Jesus.

God.

What happened when you ran over to help?

Um, well. the way a guy just picked up his girlfriend and just body slammed her put her over the head it's like god what happened when you ran over to help um well i wasn't that guy in the story slow down fellas you don't make a point of view of the girl she was okay i don't want people to be bummed out she was actually got up and was mad or like yeah there was a story david you told it was either on letterman or conan where you had a had it because you're from Arizona right yeah so you had a friend from Arizona come visit you in New York and they were doing the classic friend from out of town where you're like well we'll go do this you're like I can do that in Arizona but like oh yeah I want the darkest most fucked up stuff and you have to go even us New Yorkers don't go searching for that I think you think that i have the key to some portal of madness but i actually that's not what i and he's like i can do that now like that landed so hard for me because i've had friends when they come busy like show me the weird shit i'm like i don't do the weird shit or i go it's saturday night live and on sunday wake up and i go what are you doing i go i gotta do laundry in the basement i can do laundry in arizona let's go to the golden gate bridge i go well that's not here but it's it's a it's a longer walk than you think yeah yeah let's go to and then they have all these things they want to do i'm like oh we're really going to go to the statue of liberty today oh yeah yeah yeah what a production by the way pat we got it let's talk about your game show right before we got out of here we okay milked you long enough but i actually i i honestly without no ass kissing i put it on and i think it's really good thank you i mean in other words your sides were great i don't know if it was the first episode but uh it's a very tight interesting game i mean i'm just saying that it is it within like one minute you're like okay this is interesting well it's my takeaway No, it's a very tight, interesting game.
I mean, I'm just saying that it is. Within like one minute, you're like, okay, this is interesting.
Well, it's my takeaway. No, it's a British game show where they ask questions that have nothing to do with the amount of schooling you've had or knowledge.
It's all, can you follow logic and put it together? So what's kind of fun about the show is, and you work your way toward the first question is the 90% question, which 90 90 of people that they poll get rights it's very easy oh then and then it ends with the one percent question that only one percent of people but what's weird is because everyone's brain is wired differently and you'll watch the show and there's a 60 question that you'll go out on but then you keep watching and go i know the five percent i know that like it and you'll you'll see like people with PhDs in nanotechnology getting smoked by someone who's working as a barista and doesn't know what they want to do with their life. But their logic centers are so much stronger that they put it together.
It's so hard to find a game show. They're all trying to do it because if you crack that code, you get people just sort of interested.
Yeah, that's it. That's it.
That takes a long run and it's hard to get and right away that sounds just sort of interesting like when you watch and you go and you're about to walk away then you go let me just hear this answer and then you go oh that's that's i knew that oh i didn't know that okay well let me hear the next one yeah and that's what happens people sit around with their family and they go oh i got that one did you get this that's fun for people. And it's syndicated, right, from Britain.
So Ricky Gervais gets a check, I assume. Everything's syndicated from Britain.
Ricky Gervais. It was a British show that, oh, God, I'm blanking on his name.
There was a British show. And then there was an Australian version.
And then a Venezuelan version, and I'm the American version. And it's really – and David Spade, you are a fellow game show host, are you not? Snake oil.
Welcome to Snake Oil. Snake oil.
Snake oil. Snake oil.
We're going to hate us. But yeah, Snake Oil was – you know, all these things are interesting.
Sometimes they're a little harder than it seems because they go, we're going to do one.

It'll take us about three days.

I'm like, wait, what's going on?

And then you get it down, but there's a lot of stopping and starting.

And there's a lot of, maybe this isn't with you, but so much focus on the rules because

it's so legal.

They have to get everyone to understand.

Oh boy.

Yes, they do.

And they have to make sure. I don't know about your show.
Do they have to get everyone oh boy yes they do and they have to make sure i don't know

about your show do they have like lawyers in the wings that are yeah they have they have to make

sure i i'm sorry but this and they have to go over there and talk to them yeah we had a woman

that was a little older uh and she was going to the final round and i said if you want to bet three

four or five of whatever i go five you win the most but it's the hardest blah blah and she goes

Let's go. So someone from the audience goes, she doesn't get it.
And so I said, as a host, I go, do you understand what it is when you bet all five? That's all your money. And she goes, I don't.
And I go, okay, let's take a five. And so we stopped.
And then the producers literally came out and they explained it to her and the celebrity. And then she goes, I got it now.
And then we went on. But I was like, oh my God, that's how fast it can happen.
They get caught up in the crowd and everything. Yep.
She didn't, embarrassed but then she figured it out man because it is kind of complicated all these game shows until you start to know them that's why they hammer the rules over and over every commercial you come back here instead of your three funny jokes will you explain the rules again i'm like no this one i think the one percent has it down at least what i saw that it's boom boom boom, boom, boom, boom. All the information stacked.
The way you explained it, I got it. And we zip along.
Yeah, yeah, exactly. And also, I mean, this is probably the same with you.
It's crowd work. You got to talk to people, get their story, make it like a human thing going on.
And make it fun that way. Keep it light.
Little ad libs and things things and you have to like when someone loses you gotta send them home gently i'm so you know you don't want to be like oh i got you want to be a warm host and kind of move it along i literally go amazon prime right oh yeah sorry well it's on no it's okay it's on fox on monday nights and the next day it streams on amazon okay so you can get it either way yeah either way easy. Either way.
Easy, easy, easy. Fantastic.
Thank you. But you were saying.
I was just saying that I would, someone lost and I go, okay, we're going to walk you out. It's after that door.
It's about a mile and a half and you're in lot C and the buses aren't running today. And, uh, but it's, it's not bad.
And then they were like, yeah, obviously that's all cut out, but good try. Yeah.
And I'm like, is there anything I said left in? They're like, well, not much because we got the game. And I'm like, okay, got it, got it.
It's kind of a funny observation because isn't it interesting when you're in a set that's all glowing, like a game show set, and you're in there all day and all the lights, and then you bash open the doors and it's all bright and asphalt. it's just like exactly oh the brightness of the set wasn't real brightness this is real yeah oh okay wait a minute i'm i'm a creature of showbiz coming out in the daylight i don't belong out here it's a bad house where's that from oh that is of course the planet of the ends the man yeah thanks buddy i learned a lot you're hilarious to talk to thanks that was so so much fun to talk about the killing and to talk about planet the apes and stand up look really i'll leave you on this on the killing there's a scene where that the big bald chess guy starts a fight in the bar and according to legend i don't think's him.
But there's a guy in the background who looks so much like a young Rodney Dangerfield. And a lot of people think that Rodney Dangerfield is an extra in that scene.
But I don't think it's him. But go give it a look and see what you think.
In the bar. Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, I was an ugly baby, Johnny.
I was an ugly baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.
i tell you i was ugly it's all these youtube shorts and if you click on rodney once you just want to laugh you just go yeah this guy does acid humor and it's yeah his jokes it's so hard to when i'm on the road i'll go down youtube rabbit holes till four in the morning watching him like just when he it was incredible oh there's something about I told my dentist my teeth are turning yellow he told me to wear a brown tie and it's the relentless I mean I was told that he has his act recorded and he listens to it all day or he used to sorry he would listen to it all day because it was so many one liners too many to remember I yeah i believe it yeah okay bud take care all right have a good day so much see you guys that was fun hanging out see you bud this has been a presentation of odyssey please follow subscribe leave a like a review all the stuff smash that button whatever it is wherever you get your podcasts fly on the wall is executive produced by dana carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, and Heather Santoro.

The show's lead producer is Greg Holtzman.