Victoria Jackson

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That's code FLY50OFF at factormills.com slash FLY50OFF for 50% off plus free shipping. Dana, we have an old favorite who was there, both of us.
Mostly you, but also with me.

The overlap to you, five years with me.

And then you're a year.

Victoria Jackson.

The one and only Victoria Jackson.

We had a great chat with her.

She is so fun and bubbly

and I think very memorable from the show

because we all sort of had a crush on her.

She's very nice, very sweet. She seemed like such a down-to-earth young lady yeah i mean i think in the early days people might think it's a character she's playing but she's exactly the same person on tv on not on tv and she does some really funny songs with a ukulele with her style and singing about different topics.
And they're really, really funny. So I'd stay tuned for those.
And she's just a kick in the pants. Yeah, there's a lot about her I did not know.
And we really just cracked up. And she's so sweet about everything.
I remember I did a few sketches with her. You obviously did more, but what a sweetheart.
And also, but they should know, the audience should know that right after we did this, about a week later, she did announce she's having some health problems. And that's why we don't address it.
But I think that's up to her. So, but we just had a great chat with someone we are fond of.

And hopefully you'll laugh along with her.

Yes, and we wish her all the best.

And I just enjoyed talking to her so much.

I'm so glad we got her on the show.

So enjoy the one and only Victoria Jackson.

Don't mind my scruff.

Don't mind my age.

Age? You don't have a line in your face.

I want to meet your dermatologist.

I have a ring light and I have a filter.

Oh, you have a filter too. Oh, you look great.
I didn Oh, you look great. That couldn't afford a filter.
This is raw. I can't afford a ring light.
I just lit my room on fire. This is just raw.
It's got a nice glow. I love you guys' show.
It makes me feel 28 again when I listen to you guys. Really? Okay.
I'm trying to make my voice young. Well, isn't that special? You, we're so happy to have you because we were there, you and I, together for six freaking years.
I know. Remember? Were you the whole run with Dana, Victoria? I was 86 to 92 i stayed one more year yeah there yeah embarrassing and we always got along great you are the nicest person in the cast to me when david came he was with spade and farley and samler all the time so i didn't get to see him that much, but when he first came,

he asked me to be in a picture with him for his mom. I was in that picture, I think.
Oh, that magazine cover. It was very sweet.
You were so sweet. How much you loved your mom.

I love to watch your show. It's so fun.
I mean, listen, I never see people on it, though. I just hear them.
Well, we have a second podcast. We called it Superfly.
That comes out on Fridays on YouTube. Yes, I watch it.
I saw Lovitz on it. Hello.
You saw Lovitz. I saw Lovitz.
I just try to always do Lovitz right back to Lovitz, no matter what he says. Do you remember when we used to hang out? For a period of time.
Wait, aren't you supposed to save this for the show? No, this is the show. This is all the show.
Did we start? Yeah. Yeah, we're almost done.
It started an hour ago. ago no no what we what we do is you know is we we record your intro and then we just come in and we're talking now good there's no there's no rules yeah you did everything right say anything do anything i don't know if that'll i don't know if it'll be able to hear it's a uk a ukulele, right? It's the Dana and David show.
Fly on the wall. Buzz, buzz, swat.
I made that up for you. Wait, it's the wrong key.
Okay, try it again. It's the Dana and David show.
Fly on the wall. Buzz, buzz, swat.
That's actually so silly. It's actually great.
Buzz, buzz, swat That's actually So silly It's actually great Buzz, buzz, swat I love it Buzz, buzz, swat Buzz, buzz, swat You know, all that kind of stuff Well, isn't that special? You know, Victoria When I came on there With Spade and farley with yourself um uh that we all kind of had a crush on victoria to be honest really i didn't i have to say all the girls were very very attractive and uh they were very talented and so coming in new even though they weren't really much older than us but you're. And so they're above you because they're cast members.
But it was a little intimidating around all of them. I was intimidated about everyone because these were giant talents.
And when Dana, I would hang out the most with Dana and Kevin and Lovitz because Kevin's's office was next to mine and they would spend hours making each other laugh and trying new bits and i was just in there laughing i couldn't come up with one add-on what do you call it what do you call it when you add tag yeah i couldn't come up with one tag.

And then it would be Inventing Hans and Franz.

And I'd be like, yeah.

I couldn't.

I had no idea how to make up a character.

And the weirdest thing is, I haven't been on the show for 30 plus years. And I'm still trying to figure out how to do a character.

And make one up.

And I even enrolled in an improv class at my church.

Recently.

Oh, really?

A month ago.

Oh, good for you.

Because he's teaching improv and he's really good at it.

And the only thing I've come up with in 30 years is Harriet.

I'm Harriet.

I'm a blue blooded liberal from my head to my toes. Obama, I love him.
Why? Cute baby pictures, herbal garden, free condoms. You're never too young or too old.
I'm a good person. I got a new washer dryer.
I took empty cardboard boxes down to the end of the street. I created a neighborhood.
I'm a community organizer. Well, that's amazing.
Well, you did. That's amazing.
I'm watching you talk as Victoria all up here. You might want to go lay down.
I don't know. I got kind of turned on.
I don't know. or female it's very sultry you don't know yeah well that's all i've come up with in 30 years and i actually i actually stole it from my friend fran who was making fun of her ex-husband's new wife and i said can i buy that from you because i I haven't.
And I gave her $50.

That's a funny character and a funny take. That's a good fair price.
On SNL, though, didn't you update once you kind of took off like a fake wig and then you had a brown wig and you did sort of this is the real me or whatever? Yes. That was the same low voice, but not as low as I just did.
but that was because you know i was getting tired of being typecast as the ditz even though that's the strongest i'm good at that you know yeah and so uh i and also jan and nora were always being mean to me and i thought and i kind of smooshed it all together and I and I was like I felt like people wanted that they wanted to see the real me I was like okay shut up Dennis you know I was like I could be like that if you want me to be I'm trying to be a nice person but you know Christ she turned on me like a rabid wolverine hey that was perfect okay yeah miss miss vick coming on with the heavy duty artillery tonight huh okay we got some kind of high-pitched character was gonna do a handstand on the desk tonight is that remove oh i can't do them anymore i i did my last handstand at age stuck it at age 60 stuck it you're 60 you don't look no i'm 65 i just enrolled in medicare and i had to listen to all these boring boring conversations about supplements and and and and plan A and plan b i'm like i just would rather die than listen to you one more second oh my god so you you were on the first i just want to give people a little bit of background i think one thing that's very quirky is that you befriended for people of our age group, Johnny Crawford of Rifleman. He played the son of the rifleman who had this rifle.
Everyone else was using a six gun, so they'd pull it out of the holster, take him like 10 seconds. He would just point the rifle and kill people.
Yeah. But then I used to do Johnny Crawford in my stand-up act when I was in college.
What? Because he always said, pa, pa, pa, how come I sound like Dinah Shore? Pa, you ain't going to get scalped. This is early standup, but explain your friendship with Johnny Crawford and how he helped you in your career back in the 80s.
I'm trying to get rid of my ring light so i look naturally dewy um naturally you look really good honestly um well great yeah you know molly shannon did all the characters that i wish i would have thought of star and i'm 50 years old i mean man those were fantastic 50. Oh yeah.
She's great. Yeah.
She she's incredible and it would have been fun to see you two together you know because you could dance you had great well you have great legs and you're like dancing and you could move and do cartwheels you could do flips so i can see there's a kindred spirit with molly i do i like physical uh humor i don't think about it it just comes out but you guys man when i you know david was late into our cast yeah but man i was so spoiled you know being laughing all day for six years in a room with dana and kevin and love it that when I went into the real world, it was so depressing.

Normal people are boring such a real quote normal people are that's what lauren says he always has to be around funny people man i missed it so much but I watch a lot of YouTube. So I feel like I'm still with you guys.
Well, we laughed our ass off. We did.
And you were kind of our mascot. We did some silly.
Do you remember when we'd go have the dance parties in Kevin and I's office? We would put on Don't Get Me Wrong by the Pretenders. And Dennis would come in in his socks and do this funny game.
Don't get me wrong. It was one of those times just to release the tension.
We would just go crazy in there. So much tension.
Actually, Victoria, I had something happen with you quickly, Dana. If you remember this, it was not gymnastics related.
We were doing a Schiller Vision. I think it was you tell me if this you remember this so a schiller vision which dana knows is a um little video that goes on at five shiller wrote and direct these little shorts and he would kind of make little mini movies and some of them were just quite brilliant actually some were black and white some were whatever they were always he did that famous one with Belushi dancing on his grave in black and white in the old days.
So sometimes they'd ship us out to do a Schiller Vision. And I think Victoria and I played a couple.
And the only part I remember is the last scene was we had our whole life life and now we're fast forward to we're older and we're walking along on the upper west side with that river on the other side, whatever that is. You know, not Central Park side, but the other side.
We're walking along and then things are going well, but like a nuclear bomb drops on my head. I have no memory of that.
I don't remember this.

Okay.

So, Dana- I don't remember that.

I have a bad neck already.

And this is part of it.

Oh, and they did the fake nuke on your head.

I'm telling you.

Oh, yeah.

They drop like a fake looking bomb that looks like a missile.

Not good.

And they have a guy on a ladder about 10 feet up.

And even though it's made of plastic, it's kind of heavy.

It falls square on my head.

And then I fall over and die in the scene.

And it hit me directly, jam jam my spine down into my and it's just bad for your neck and we kept doing take after take and i didn't want to be a puss and i didn't want to complain like anything when you're on a set but i remember i kept going this hurts so much it jams my neck down even Even though it's light, but when it falls. No, no.
Now you have neck issues. Yeah.
And I still have neck issues. And for some reason, I blame Victoria.
What? I don't even remember the sketch. But I did.
What? As far as injuries, there was one time. It just is in my head indelibly running behind Victoria.
We're running to do another sketch. It's all dark.
There's wires around. And Victoria did a massive pratfall.
But I think you knew how to fall or you rolled or something and you got up. I don't remember that.
But I remember Dana backstage. I was doing my first impression, Roseanne.
And they never let me do any. And I went to Smigel and I said, why don't I ever get to do any impressions? And he said, because you're nasal.
And I said, well, is there any celebrities who are nasal? And he goes, Roseanne. And I go, yeah, can you kind of talk like that and everything? And he goes, yeah.
And so he wrote me my first, my my first impression and I had a fat suit on and a wig and I said Dana I'm so nervous what if I slip into Vicky in the middle of it what if I slip into myself and Dana goes cup and attitude cup and attitude and I was like like I still don't exactly know what that means but i it was the sweetest thing it was like we were on football team together yeah and our whole lives dependent on it and he was he was like my cheerleader he was like dana was so kind to everybody yeah but you know i think it me yeah i got mean later no but no i think it's just fake it till you make it go out i got this just fake confidence and go out strutting i'm roseanne freaking bar right yeah you know yeah just reverse the fear oh that's too and plus the best guy you're asking he's right there helping you he's so good at it i i remember i put a poster what go ahead you nailed it though i it though. I remember you going out there.
Yeah, I remember you did great. Oh, thank you.
And then they let me do it a couple more times. They let me do it with Roseanne.
I was with Chris Farley and Tom Arnold and Roseanne. And then I got to be Zsa Zsa, darling.
I vote. I love what I vote.
And then I got to do other things. But man, it was and scary and we always thought we were getting fired but i didn't know dana was afraid because he was the star you know before and then and then when i found out dana was nervous too i was like my neighbor knew he was worried about getting fired well i was lucky because accidentally I got the church lady.
And if I'm not mistaken, I did it on the first show. And were you my first guest? Yes, I was Jenny, the church girl.
Yes. And so you came out and you were perfect in that.
And you did this whole lament of church lady, I go to pray and I do this and this. And all of it was beautifully done, totally sincere.
Now, I was incredibly nervous. This is our first show.
But you said this whole setup and I pray every night to Jesus, whatever. And then I did, I just, well, isn't that special? And got a huge laugh.
And that relaxed me. But that was you.
You set that up. No, I was a good straight man for the church lady, definitely.
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there's so many tales we can tell. Where do we start? I think it's great that Smigel, when you went over Smigel for, that's really hard.
I used to try to talk Smigel into doing stuff and he's so busy and everybody wants him to write. He's very tough to get on your team.
And to have you say, what about Rosanne? You do a little piece of it and he kind of hears it and he goes yeah okay and then you get to do it and he probably helps with it and then you're in there and that's great because i remember one with farley were you guys on the couch you and he's like all nervous as tom and yeah you guys are like i can't remember what that one was but of course it's and in hans and franz uh they put me in that i got my cellulite sucked out and I showed everyone my tattoo on my butt as Roseanne. Oh, right.
Oh, right. That's right.
Yeah. Kevin Nealon, he wrote my first sketch I was ever on, the subliminal guy.
I was the secretary. Oh, we were so nervous.
And, okay, we got to talk about Alec Baldwin. Because he was on fly on the wall and he said, my breasts look like garbage cans.
Wait. Do you remember? Yeah, what does he mean by that? Yeah, that's what I want to know.
I think he meant big. Boobs, but not garbage can.
Who describes him as garbage can? The kind that you push out in the morning, the green ones? Okay, I think he's mad at me because in my book, I wrote that he, well, when we were on the set, I had to kiss him a lot when he was playing Marlon Brando. and i was the 50s girl in a tight sweater on the back of it and we had kissed then we had kiss in that other scene where alec kissed everyone even the dog member oh that's green hilly yeah i was the french maid so we were doing a lot of kissing that week and dana says that i had a crush on him but i don't remember it that way.
Well, what I remember you saying, because it was so specific, was that the second time he came in, you just sort of, it was a non sequitur. I'm not going to do it.
I'm not going to do it this week. And I said, what? And he goes, I'm not, I'm not going to fall in love with him.
But you didn't mean really in love with him, but you know,, he has piercing blue eyes. And so that by Friday, you'd rehearsed or probably rehearsed the kiss.
And no, didn't. Sorry.
Didn't make it. Fell in love with him again.
What was with all the kisses, though? What, did you not like them or something? Is that what happened? Well, I sort of liked it because my fire eater husband at the time wasn't kissing me or hugging me and i was desperately you know desperate for some i remember the fire physical affection and i did enjoy all the kissing but what do you want to stuff fire in your mouth were you talking about nissan for a second yeah when my headphones popped out oh yeah so he was a My husband, the fire eater, and there wasn't much call for that. So he worked about once a year and he made about a hundred dollars a year.
Yeah. This is my little joke in my act.
I go, um, I saw his, he made about a hundred dollars a year. I saw his income tax return.
Most of it, he spent on supplies, supplies disposable bic lighters fire retardant hairspray sucretes when we got divorced i got half of his stuff i got a bic lighter i keep it as a memento but no it doesn't seem like a very good settlement of a divorce a bit lighter than two sucrets he got a He got a lot of money. Oh, I know.
But you got Scarlett. And I pay you in flames.
I got Scarlett and she's 38 now. Oh my gosh.
She's pregnant with her third child, my grandchild. Who's the father? Hello.
I love it. Hello.
Speaking of the fire eater, Dana was at my house for my birthday in Laurel Canyon one year. Yeah.
Yes. I like that little house.
It was cool. It was so cute.
And it was 150,000 in 1984 when I got it. And now it's over a million.
Easily. It it's like two rooms but anyway it's on the hill and it's so charming and you have to walk 50 steps up to the front door and there's deer and everything it's so wonderful but um so I never associated with famous people because they make me nervous right and I tried to be friends with an actress once i won't say the name and i invited her over and stuff but but she took her shirt off in front of my husband nissan what and so i never asked her back after that i said why are you taking your shirt off she said oh i have it on backwards backwards.
And so I was like, no wonder why I don't hang out with famous people. Exactly.
And you said to your husband, is that a can of wizard in your pocket? Or what's going on? Exactly. Okay.
I'm just going through my head. So I can't believe Leah Thompson would do that.
I can't believe Victoria Principal. I didn't say any names.
Well, I'm just making that up. He's guessing.
I'm guessing because you were in Casual Sex Together. She does have a great body, I must say.
She's great. But anyway, she's very talented.
She was in a movie once with a French accent. I forget the name of it.
She is great. it so anyway what i was saying was i was having this birthday party and i was like vicky come on invite your cast members they're not yeah they're not monsters they're human beings you know and so i invited dana and dennis and um phil and bren and um Milt Larson was there who owned Magic Castle.
And he gave me my big break to do stand-up at the Variety Arts Center where I got discovered for Johnny Carson. So he was there.
And Robert Downey came because I had just done the pickup artist with him where I had to kiss him a lot and it was so funny he came with a guy they came in the front door they slowly walked through my whole house i'm like do you want a drink do you want to drink do you want anything to eat and i was so proud i had a bathtub full of ice and drinks i thought that was so clever because i never hosted anything i'm like 28 or something and and scarlet was two years old she's 38 now she was two she's in the bathtub too no and so robert downey slowly walks through the house but kind of like a king very slowly he looks around and then walks right out the door oh no I was like, I've always been wondering, well, maybe there was no drugs. Maybe there was no one.
I don't know. Anyway, and I think Weird Al might have been there.
Oh, yeah. Your friend's Weird Al, right? Yeah.
I still have a crush on him. Oh, look at that.
I remember you and Weird Al together a lot.

Oh, here comes a song about it.

I love Weird Al.

I always will.

After I die, I love him still.

He should have married me in 1980.

But what did we know? What did did we know I love Weird Al I always will I love after I die I love him still how do you like that I like your songs I fell for fire instead there's a purity to that there's a simplicity to that that kind of it's sort of has a charm your stuff's all charming well that threw me back to weekend update yeah oh i gotta show you my handstand in paris my last handstand was two years ago in front of the eiffel tower i gotta got to find it. But anyway, okay.

So here's back to my story.

Dana and Paula are at my birthday party.

I'm nervous.

I'm trying to be friends with my famous coworkers

who intimidate me.

Can you imagine?

Who you're already friends with?

Guys are so freaking talented.

Like right now, I'm going to have to calm down

the rest of the day from like being with you well we consider you a peer yes we're all in the same boat you're on saturday live and you you're not worthy i don't know and you took the picture from my mom's magazine which is very sweet of you it's up in her house still today i still oh i still can't believe that your mother left you in a desert with guns for eight hours while she drove away oh you know i'm listening i listen man yeah i'm very you know what it's all good and well if no one gets shot it's fine but if you get someone gets shot then it's like a story? Or if you disappeared, you know, there's all that stuff now about Satanists kidnapping kids and everything. Oh, there's so much going on.
Okay. I'll tell you this.
You know how, Dana, this is an off story, but you know how they do these tricks, like if they want to kidnap a woman or they tell you to watch these things around LA or wherever, where they'll put like something on your car that you have to pick up or, you know what I mean? Something where you have to do something to stall and then they pull up in a car and grab you. So the other day I parked at a parking meter.
Heather, I didn't even tell you this. And I try to keep this stuff from you.
I shield you from the real world. So I pull up to a parking meter, but they also put fentanyl on stuff.
This isn't everybody, but this happens. So I pull up at a parking meter and I always go in my head, watch for the stuff they do.
Watch for these crazy things. They put like a fake ticket just so you'll pick it up.
Then you get a little dizzy, you know? So it's a great scam. So anyway, I jam my shitty credit card into the parking meter so they can slurp all my money and it won't fit.
So I look under, there's already one in there. So somebody lost their credit card.
So I took it out. I put mine in.
And then I saw a parking guy. And I said, dude, do you ever have this happen? They leave their credit card in there and do you want it? And he goes, that's your problem.
And I go, all right. So I go, it's going be heather's problem in a minute so i throw out my car and i and i'll go i'll try to get it back to the person and then i thought what if that was one of those tricks and i just fell for it i grabbed it could have been covered in fentanyl yeah yeah what was the name on the card dan garney is that your stage name i was in lost hollywood and i was you know what so you know what that was mine was it a discovery back to victoria's story what do you want to tell us well i thought it was interesting because um while we were having my birthday party a young good-looking 17 year old comes to the front door and he goes is Nissan here and I go who are you and he goes um can I talk to Nissan and I go who are you I'm his son I go what and so I go get Nissan and uh there's a blonde woman in the driveway 50 steps down and they talked for a while and after the birthday party jane was there i was there yeah i go who is who and paula who i adore adore paula i adore you she always paula always adored you see i curled my hair to look like paula because is naturally curly.
Mine isn't. It's too curly for her.
So you find out that your husband has a son who's 17. You didn't know.
And Paula has a perfect body and perfect hair and a perfect face. And she's the sweetest person.
Okay. So anyway, so when everyone left, I go, Nissan, is that your son? And he goes, oh, you know, that lady slept with everybody in Baltimore.
She slept with all my brothers, you know. It's not my son.
So after we got divorced, the reason why they looked us up was because they thought I was on TV and I was making money. Rich, yeah.
And they're like, oh, we'll prove it. It's his son.
So after we got divorced, Nissan took a DNA test and it was his son. Oh, boy.
And the funny thing is, he looks just like Scarlett because it's Nissan's jeans and a blonde wife. And Scarlett and Christopher look like brother and sister.
Christopher turned out to be a famous artist. He's a really good artist.
His name is Christopher Mir, M I R.com. And, and, and, and it's just kind of interesting how, you know, how life is.
It's like, you know, Nissan was 10 years older than me. And, you know i was like a baptist virgin when i met him and then like when you look back at your life you're like yeah and then i remember i found letters in in the closet with a baby picture nissan had left the baby to go to la to be a rock star and there was letters letters saying, you were right to leave Baltimore.
You know, anyway, I'm learning new things about my husband's every day. Are you still married? I'm married to Paul, the SWAT guy, a helicopter police pilot.
Yeah. We've been married 30 years.
Yeah, I think I remember Paul of course yeah yeah when i when i when he came to the show for his first time just to see me at snl because we were starting to long distance date um it happened to be the night he shot and killed the first man of his career and i just go maybe he was anxious to see me or something uh that's my little joke because i'm just processing that yeah okay so picture this uh he comes to the set at 8h and uh he had stayed up all night filled out paperwork gotten counseling because that's what happens if you kill someone and he comes to the stage and i'm getting out of an alien spaceship with eyeballs on my nipples because we're doing a sketch about a planet where women's eyes have mutated to their nipples because men stared at women's chests for so long and jack handy or was deon sanders in it no that was a different one okay go ahead sorry sorry thirsty alley was our leader and uh paul comes up you know and i go paul this must be so surreal for you to kill someone and stay up all night see me getting out of a spaceship and he goes yes it is that's how he talks and uh i thought man our worlds completely opposite. Then I took him upstairs and I introduced him to the cast.

I said, hey, everybody, this is my boyfriend, the cop.

And Mike Myers goes, hey, got any war stories?

COVID.

I have a residual cough from COVID.

So anyway, he goes, got any war stories and paul goes i killed a man last night and there was silence gosh this is in my act that because it's true and it makes everyone there was silence and i realized the comic genius minds of this century couldn't think of a comeback. Dana, you were probably in that room.
Do you remember? Yeah. And it was just sort of hung there.
There was no way to come back with that in any funny way. Funny way.
The only one who might have been able to come back, maybe Norm MacDonald. You know, there are certain comedians.
Oh, yeah but i i just thought paul was just very sincere so i didn't want to undercut yeah well he he didn't feel bad about it because the guy was shooting at his wife because she wouldn't wife swap anymore and and the tale as old as time so she called the swat team they came the the husband pointed a gun at Paul and he was trained if someone points a gun at you you shoot them so he didn't feel bad but we've had a very difficult marriage and it's really really really difficult what is difficult Oh, my gosh. gosh well for one thing we disagree on the definition of adultery okay that's a good argument yeah and what is your definition versus his well i think flirting is adultery and i think when he comes home from the gym with fake tattoos drawn on his biceps by an 18-year-old hot lifeguard, that that's inappropriate.
And he thinks it's harmless workplace fun. Harmless.
Because he was working part-time at the gym. But anyway, a lot of fights about that but i wrote i write out all my pain in songs and poems and paintings and i'm i just made an album of 18 songs and a lot of them are about my difficult marriage what is the name of the album them and where can people get it? And Paul won't listen to it because he knows it's about him.
It's called, this isn't about Paul. It's called, I hate Paul.
Paul listened to this podcast. I hate Paul is the song.
Actually, I did write a song called I Hate You. Here we go.
Here comes the guitar. Everybody quiet.
fantasize we never met we never got together never got reconnected and all though i tell my friends that this will never work it and that i despise you and that you're a jerk i would never say I hate you. All right, so there's that one.
But anyway. That's a good one.
Another winner. I love it.
These are better. This is called When I Get.
So what's it called? When I Get Home? No, When I Get to Nashville. When I Get to Nashville, Victoria Jackson.
And see, this is my handstand in front of the oh that's sweet that's a famous statue in nashville you know the naked statue and um on music row and clothes on them well i do but they don't but like there's songs like how do you undo how do you undo i do oh yeah how do you undo? How do you undo? I do. Oh, yeah.
How do you undo? Clever. Yes, but Chyna Phillips thought of that line.
And I'm in Chyna Phillips Bible study group. Okay.
Is it online or does she live in Nashville too? No. Chyna Phillips lives in, right now she lives in the Hollywood Hills.
And, you know, Billy Baldwin's her husband. Yes.
And Chyna is on fire for Jesus. And I'm a Christian.
And I was watching her YouTube called California Preach It because her parents wrote the song California Dreamin'. Remember the Mamas and the Papas.
Of course. Incredible song.
That's her parents. And like, I'm a huge...
She's a good singer, too. I'm a...
Oh, yeah. Wilson Phillips.
China. Yeah, yeah.
And they had that hit, Hold On For One More Day. And...
Hold on. China Phillips.
Hold on, now. Go ahead.
No, no. I was faking like as if because David did.
I thought it was. No, you know, when I ask her, say we apologize for when we did a songs to save the chickens with Michael Bolton on the show and we play it.
We did Wilson Phillips and we had two extras and then Farley played that. Oh, you did? I forgot that.
You were there. You probably played.
I played Dave Perner from Soul Asylum or Kurt Cobain or Tom Petty or something. But I remember that.
Tom Petty. I played Dylan, right? Was that the one that turned? Was that in that we're all standing and Michael Bolton sings? Instead of We Are the World, we were doing We Are the Chickens or something.
Yeah. I think I played Dylan and Victoria played roseanne bar i was cindy lopper

when we did the we are the world thing oh you cindy lopper yeah and well they put how did you they put a thing in my neck so that when i sang the big note blood would squirt out and and and it worked but you couldn't see the blood because i was wearing red plaid No.

Yeah, you couldn't see blood was squirting out.

That was an unforced error by the wardrobe people. Yeah, that usually doesn't happen.
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That one time I said, I want to be a Christmas tree and do a handstand. And Pam, she came up with this brilliant costume.
I still have it. And it was a Christmas tree.
And I said, you have to balance all the ornaments because I'm balancing upside down. They're geniuses, that wardrobe department.
The wardrobe, the makeup, the crew. Everybody.
They're all crap. Never miss a step.
Or they couldn't make it. But they can improvise something up really fast.
We need Victoria to come out of a giant cupcake. We have 20 minutes.
Yeah. Right away, sir.
Yes. Yeah.
And you get spoiled. And every job after that is so much worse.
You know? It's all slow motion. Yeah.
You know, movies. Well, go back to China Phillips.
We interrupted you interrupted you i'm sorry oh well china thought of that line um so like we have these this group called california healing and we read the bible and pray together i she made me one of the leaders i have to do it tonight actually and we uh pray and study the bible and china is really good is really good with funny. She's very funny.
She's very charming. And I loved her YouTube channel.
So I would always write stuff. And she wrote back.
And then, yeah, anyway, we're in this group together. And so she said, how do you undo I do? And I said, Chyna, can I i steal that i thought of a song for it and she didn't get mad so no 50 bucks for her no she doesn't need it i don't think on the house but but well it's flattering when someone tells you something and they have a comedian say i have people go oh my god you can use anything i say i that would be nice it'd be fun for me so i think she's flattered well john lovitz wrote me um victoria's secrets on the show and i still do that in my stand-up act do you remember victoria's how does that bit go well i i was always very uncomfortable doing um seduction and arrogance i've analyzed snl my whole life since i've been gone from it and uh because in the baptist church i was taught don't be seductive don't be arrogant and um jan hooks was really good at those and i was really good at well jan hooks was good at everything okay yeah she's great but i don't think she can play innocent that's my specialty of course you yeah i'm getting yeah i am getting bitter in my old age so i don't know if i'm so good at playing innocent anymore And I've been working on seductive and arrogant for 30 years.

Maybe I can pull it off.

We all have.

Give me a little seduction.

What would be that attitude?

Well, it's the Victoria's Secrets thing.

And John Lovitz wrote it for me.

Okay, I go, I have three secrets I'd like to share with you.

But shh, don't tell anyone.

It'll just be our little

secret. My first secret is a lot of men ask me, are you as dumb as you appear on the show? and I say, I don't know.

I never watched the show.

My second secret. Can you hear me? I'm talking quiet.
Yes, we're giving you. We can hear you.
We're just making sure. My second secret is a lot of men ask me, how do you like it? And I say, like what? And they say, you know, your sex.
And I say, you mean my sex, like being a woman or like having it? And they say, the second one. And I say, I forgot which Which one was the second one? And they they say victoria stop doing that stupid character and i say i'm not doing a character and they get mad and walk away my third secret anyway there's there's more no was there how many are there 100 the next? The next one is a long one.
Now let's see arrogance. Yeah.
What do you got? Oh, arrogance. Ooh, arrogance.
Ooh. Ooh, that's hard.
Your hair looks good. It's curly.
I got a cop in attitude. Well, I curled it for you to look like Paula.
I am. Oh, Paula's going to be so happy.
Paula listens to all these and she'll be so happy to know you were giving all these comments.

Yes.

I love her so much.

She's adorable.

She is.

Victoria, what is that album called?

Because we want to give you a poll on that.

Oh, it's nobody buys CDs anymore.

So I just did it for me.

It's on streaming on Amazon. It's called When I Get to Nashville.
And then there's some stand up at the end. And one song is Like a Dog.
When I get to Nashville, I'm going to knock them down. I'm still trying to get to sing at the Grand Ole Opry, and they're not having me.

I don't know why.

Well, wait till this comes out,

and people start slurping that up off of Amazon.

Yeah.

Okay, arrogance.

I am the best.

No, I can't.

Give me some lines.

Give me some lines. No, it's funny.

You're so not arrogant, which is really nice.

Well, I used to do it as a character.

Let me tell you something.

We could very easily come to your house, you you with our little finger and you'd fly across the room and land in your own baby poop. That's coy arrogance.
Franz's arrogance. This is Hans.
It's almost effeminate in his arrogance. I made up a poem once about an arrogant girl.
It goes, my name's Lucy, and I'm rough and I'm tough. No one calls me sissy names or any of that stuff.
No one walks to school with me because I am too cool. Everybody wants to, though, and they really wish they could.
Because I am too good. Everybody wants to, though, and they really wish they could.
But they knew I would show them up because I'm done. Next to all my looks and charm, they feel like a fool.
No one invites me to parties because they know if they did, I'd win all the prizes because I'm the most talented kid. Being smart in every subject.
Here's my philosophy. The whole world would be a much better place if this one thing could be.
That everyone was exactly like me. I've had enough of stupid people.
They just get in the way. I'm content to be alone and that's the way I'll stay.
I've had enough of stupid humanity. I'll leave them on a shelf.

The only thing I can't figure out how to do is enjoy kissing myself.

I like it.

That last line was very interesting.

Yeah, heavy.

Can't kiss yourself.

No.

Unless you have a mirror.

I guess you could. Close as you get.
So how much stand-up do you do yeah yeah yeah well i was doing it every week you know kevin nealon got me into stand-up because when i got on johnny carson i only had like 12 minutes i had six good minutes and then i had four minutes of b material and i got on johnny carson in 83 and then he said that he wants you back he gave me the okay thing yeah he goes but i go i only have my b material and jim mccauley goes okay do that and then he wants you at the panel so i did that and then the third time he goes johnny wants you back but it has to be something really big and i go i had nothing i had nothing else because i never like toured and then got us now i like got us now and then i toured to milk it so i can make money so i can send my kids to a Christian school. But anyway, so the third time I go, something really big.
So I thought, I'll do my balance beam routine from when I was a gymnast. And I'll sing a song.
No one's ever done gymnastics while singing. I did a handstand poetry.
That was my first Carson doing a poem upside down, but no one had ever mixed gymnastics on a balance beam with singing. So I made up this song called angry woman.
And it was based on the fact that my coach in college never told me I made small college nationals because she didn't like me.

And I found out years after, why weren't you at the small college nationals?

I didn't know I made it.

So I wrote this song.

I am an angry woman.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've got a streak in my hair.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like to air my dirty laundry. If you don't like me, honey, I don't care.
I drink a cuss, a smoke, a swear, a spit. It ain't my problem if you don't like it.
I hate you, young old pink old jerko. I need a little love.
And then I would do my balance beam routine. Now, that is on YouTube right now.
boy because jim mccauley knew that someday

i would want this on video it was the hardest thing i ever did four inch balance beam live tv johnny carson not fall because it's funnier if i don't fall off the beam if i act didsy and i don't Oh, it's way funny.

So I, I did it.

You didn't fall.

I didn't fall.

I almost fell.

But I didn't fall. Did these hard tricks.
I went to the gym for three months to learn some of the tricks back. I was 24, so I was way older than a peaking gymnast at 15 or whatever.

You guys, I'm talking too much.

No, wait, wait.

What is the story? It's great.

So Johnny likes it.

How does it go?

Johnny loved it.

You were on there 20 times, right?

Yes, he loved it.

What?

But what was the point of my story?

The story is your third one, you're supposed to do something big.

You came with something.

Kevin was going to help you.

Oh, Kevin.

With stand-up.

This is how it started. so then i got snl which was you know what it was because you were there now and so now after snl and i lost all my money in the divorce and i married a cop got no money so then i was I was trapped in the suburbs of Miami.
I had no friends. No one spoke English.
And I, nobody was making me laugh all day. But anyway, I love my raising my kids, but Kevin Nealon calls me one day.
I just broken my wrist. I think, uh, accidentally.
And, and, um, it looked like it was on purpose because it was cut right on my wrist from dishwasher oh i see i took a wine glass out of the dishwasher and it sliced my wrist and i was in the hospital in miami going i wasn't trying to commit suicide i do hate being a housewife. I do hate Miami.
Maybe it was subconscious. I don't know.
But so anyway, Kevin Nealon calls me, he goes, it was like 97. And he goes, would you open for me in Vegas? And I go, Kevin, I don't have a standout back back I have like 10 minutes that was from a long time

ago which involves a handstand I can't do one right now and he goes no all you need is like 20 minutes what did you what did you do on Carson I go I can't remember so I looked up my Carson tapes and I'm like oh I told a poem and I did a handstand and I played the ukulele and then and he and so anyway I opened

for Kevin for a bunch of times and the little joke was uh I videoed him and love it's once in this limo and I go Kevin why did you think of me to open for you and he goes because uh I wanted someone who wasn't that strong uh you know, you don't want your opener to be too strong. And I go, you know, it's because I wasn't that good.
So I wouldn't show him off. You know what I mean? Well, it's also that you're just totally opposite.
Yeah, you're different than him. Yeah.
good. So I started doing it with him, and then I got to go to Vegas, and I did a Y2K with Dana and Dennis in Minnesota.
Yes, we did. You, me, Dennis, and Kevin.
And everyone thought it was the end of the world, so not many people came. uh then i did a bunch of shows with piscopo i opened for him and then i so i was doing it like once or twice a month for my whole motherhood years in the 90s and then when the tea party started and uh i was in this club and I and i wrote this little song called white men are good white men are good my daddy was a white man my brother is a white man white men invented everything white men invented the universities white men invented the english language white men invented airplanes white men invented cars white men and then good resume yeah so i sang that song the audience was like because it was the beginning of you know um not supposed to say that yeah what do you call that when you're not allowed to say things censorship um what what was before woke it was way before woke it was like politically correct yeah it was 2010 and i thought comics were supposed to be brave and daring and break the rules but oh no no don't say white men are good white men were getting all bad rap all the time.
I'm like, people. Anyway, they told my agent at APA, and she goes, I can't send you out anymore.
Oh, my God. And she said, all the club owners are liberals, and you're becoming an outspoken conservative, and I can't send you anywhere.
So then I'm like, okay, I wanted to quit anyway. I don't like traveling.
But I just was so surprised that in America, with freedom of speech, we can't have freedom of speech anymore. And now you know what's been happening, and now I'm so proud that Dana is making fun of Biden, which is the unforgivable sin.
And I'm glad that Rob Schneider is saying, I can say whatever I want, people, freedom of speech. I'm very proud that people are fighting back.
And even Seinfeld is saying, hey, come on, freedom of speech. yeah it is tough on comedy in general to do uh to be you know tamped down a little bit and you just want to say what the thing that people want to say or the thing that people aren't saying or just try to break the rules like it used to be very like you have to be outrageous you know and it's it's definitely toned it down a little bit i have to say they know your b Biden things are super funny.
Isn't he funny? Thank you. That was kind of a personal challenge just because in the beginning, there wasn't much there.
You know, my father lost his job, that kind of thing. And then as he went along, I added in, you know, and added in a lot of hooks.
And I got it to the point where I thought it was really funny. And so I didn't really care if anyone had a problem with it.
I just thought we got to be able to do the president of the United States. If it's a Republican or Democrat, it's our job to kind of tug on the Kings.
Corn pop was a bad dude. That's true.
Come on. This is my one that kind of broke it.
It was, there's no crisis at the border. How do you know, sir? Because it says so on the piece of paper.
Yes. And then he came out for the border a little while ago and he just thought it was funny.
I'll shut a border faster than anyone's ever shut a border. But you said before, get your facts straight, Jack.
Beat the hell out of you. I cut a shutterboard, border patrol, the border can't believe it's not butter.
So then it was so silly that he always ends with this declarative slogan. Of course.
So people accept it. But now everyone's doing him, obviously.
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Victoria, before we let you go, I wanted to say, I do remember you did a lot of Toontses, didn't you? Toontses the driving cat. I was so happy because I didn't have any lines.

And it was a hit sketch and I didn't have to do anything.

Me and Dana were in a lot of Toontses.

We were in a lot of Toontses.

And there was one time, you know, they got the cards, we're in the fake car.

And this happens to all of us, but it was your line.

And the guy was pointing and you were just kind of enjoying the scene. And I started kicking you.
Kind of like that. I know.
And then he went, oh, and then you hit your line. It's just funny.
We all do that. The lines were usually like, Toonces, you shouldn't be driving over here on the wrong side of the road.
Yeah. And that was a great use of the character that you would play on the show often the sincere sweet yes uh character toon says don't do that you know so jack candy is the greatest they had me and dana be brother and sister a lot or husband wife or they had us in our underwear remember when we had to wear our underwear and don't go down to the basement? Yeah, yeah.
We had a lot of, yeah. You were romantic.
Was that the name of the sketch? Yeah. Don't go down to the basement.
And I felt so naked. I don't feel naked doing gymnastics on the update desk with my butt in the air because that was my whole childhood.
But I feel naked upright in my underwear well the idea it's a uniform versus your underpants and even though they look the same yeah one seems like normal well also dana when you were on other fly on the walls we're talking about the italian restaurant where you were oh right you were humping me with my legs in the air. Yeah.
That was one of the biggest laughs that I've ever participated in. I wasn't really doing much.
It was just the situation and the ability and the scenario. And it's true that right before they said, maybe don't do it or do it as much or move around as much, but we just did it.
And it was a big laugh and you were the perfect one to do it with. Well, the funny part to me is I didn't know anything.
All of a sudden people come up and they go, Siobhan, quit this sketch. You have to do it.
I go, what sketch? Nobody told me anything. I didn't have time to say, I'm a Christian.
I don't think that would be appropriate. I didn't have any time.
He's like, go out there. I go, what am I doing? What am I doing? They go, get on the table, stick your legs in the air.
I'm like, okay. And then Dana's like, you know, and I'm like, I don't even think I knew that was a sex position.
I might be exaggerating, but I don't, I don't know that I

knew that. But anyway, it did seem really wrong and it seemed X-rated.
But anyway, then it was aired and then, but Dana's my friend. It was like, and I thought that's pretty funny.
Well, because it was you and me, it was just innocent and silly in the, in the big picture. and also that I'm still yelling about some order or something.

You know, I've got your legs over my shoulders. Hey, what do you want? Come on.
Cappuccino. It was pretty vaudevillian and a little body.
But funny with the sound off, like that visual within that Italian sketch based on these extraordinarily horny Italian waiters. One of the biggest laughs I've ever been a part of.
Il Cantore. Okay.
To answer your question about how much I do stand up and then I'll quit talking and you guys can go back to your life. I did Vegas about two two weeks ago so i'm i'm not blacklisted i think the country's getting their common sense back into their brains and i'm not blacklisted and it was a small place yeah the only problem was i was coughing my residual covid cough that was kind of unnerving for the audience but that.
That you gave them all COVID. Yeah.
Yeah. I think things are loosening up a little bit.
I think there was so much exhaustion over, you can say this, say that, that at this point it's kind of like, no one, no one has to come to your show. Just don't, or watch anything they want to watch, you know, like a Netflix special, don't watch it.
It's just freedom. Maybe this is controversial.
What if the screen just went completely black and our podcast was canceled? Victoria, we love you. Thank you so much.
And if you come to Southern California, please reach out. Okay.
Thanks for your podcast. it's super good and entertaining and we we appreciate david and dana's laughs that you've given us all these years thank you you're still so sweet you're also very funny i mean just the way you're telling these stories it's hysterical so you still have all the stuff there is there's a funny thing that There's a a funny thing that no one else does.
It's just a very honest, quirky, unexpected language you're using, unexpected moments of honesty. I'm going to make you self-conscious about your gift, so then you won't be able to do it anymore.
Okay. I'm kidding.
You can't. It's like gum on your shoe.
You're just funny. You're just funny.
Just funny just funny so all the best we all miss you and we want to see more of you you have a closing song I forgot how it went something about buzz buzz swat alright we did it bye, buzz, buzz, swat. All right, we did it.
Bye, sweetie.

This has been a presentation of Odyssey.

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Fly on the Wall is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade,

Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, and Heather Santoro.

The show's lead producer is Greg Holtzman.