Superfly #38 - Jumbo Pretzels

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They're doing some aging stuff and gives me a dimple and a finger. And then they slap me in the ass.
They give me some French fries.

They give me in a headlock

and really drop kick me to the stage.

They're really strong.

They give you a shot of adrenaline like Pink Floyd.

Get out there, kid.

You're like, oh.

Let's get into it.

We're on Superfly with Dana,

and we're going to start with New York City.

And I am in New York City,

so if you hear a siren, don't it's some in what spades location is um i do go to the saturday night live parties and i always go well i'll leave at 3 a.m it's freaky that you get a second when you get up maybe at eight or nine and then you go all the

way to 1 a.m for the good nights fluffed and folded why are you going are we going you know the death of an episode of saturday night live is if people ask where is the party too early like it's six o'clock in the hour you know it's like 6 p.m where's the party tonight means they're not focused oh but anyway i go and i eventually end up with lauren and we're there together so basically i get into the bed at the hotel i look at my phone it says 5 30 a.m and then i turn the light out and i'm not a night owl i go to bed at 9 you're a baller dude that's crazy because you know i uh we i used to the snl parties and now if something's at 11 i'm like how on god's green earth if it's not you know new year's eve how do you get up the gumption to stay up to 11 if there's nothing energetically happening and you're just sitting around it's hard but if there's something going on you're out then you stay up but yeah the party with they're they're they're pretty intense there's a lot a lot of people there and i got to hang out with stevie nicks who couldn't have been more adorable um no for sure you know uh legend ariana grande was definitely relieved after the show the show was she did a great show she can kind of do to say she is hilarious she's great yeah i think i wanted to tell her if i ever saw her just the last time i saw her on the show her impressions were great when she would sing a bunch of different people and then she's funny she did a jennifer lawrence last time that was funny so i didn't see all her sketches but the ones i saw she she is just she does a great job. Powerhouse.
Real pistol. She's a pistol.
And she's one of those people you go, what can't she do? She was there with a friend. And I said, she kind of does everything right.
I go, can she dance? And he goes, oh, yeah. She can dance.
She can sing. She can dance.
Does comedy impressions. So that was really fun.
And I was talking to a woman at the party you know you get whipped by the way she she's a twig too by the way in real life she weighs 66 she's tiny yeah she's and it's so funny she's such a powerhouse she wasn't tired i think people get on her about being thin she she didn't look tired she's energetic yeah she gives it in every sketch there's absolutely no complaints no she's just the size person she is and it works for her she has really funny energy i saw her walking down the hallway in the costume for the uh castra castrati there was a thing that she was playing a boy who was castrated yeah they're like that one yeah and when i saw the costume just, this is going to work. You know, sometimes you have to see.
So you met a woman. I'm sorry.
I interrupted you. Go ahead.
Oh, no, I was talking to a woman. You know, you turn and then there's somebody, oh, hey, you know, and it was her mom.
And I go, oh, that's cool. Does the apple fall very far from the tree? And she goes, I'm an engineer.
Okay. So she just went off and did her own thing not a full nepo baby uh no she's just she's a what can i say you know i mean good lord that's why uh long story short i i put on lipstick and a dress and a wig and a sketch about jennifer coolidge they threw it at me thursday night i just

thought in my age group i never really was in drag because church ladies whatever you think she is

there's no lipstick there's no but then they explained to me that the character it was like a

snow white thing or something that my jennifer coolidge has been trapped in the mirror for

hundreds of years chloe told me yeah and you look the closest to 200 Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I posted, but I think it's funny to talk about because. Oh, he took that? Yeah.
And I'm just trying to get through the thing. Here we go.
I'm trying to rehearse it. Let's play it.
...mouth magic. Wow.
So are we going to have sex with his tie tonight? Yeah, exactly. Just learning.
What if he messes up our lipstick? What if he messes up our lipstick? What if he messes up our lipstick? Let's test it by eating some corn. This is good.
Hey, wow. Let's test it by eating some corn this is good hey wow let's test it by eating some corn i love it this is solid bts you got your down jacket but you're literally saying it in your head out loud kind of yeah i'm just trying to because uh between dress and air for time they had to remove about four beats one was we eat corn it was a lot wilder but it was you know it was amazing like this yeah yeah it's just a non-sequitur hey wow let's eat some corn they suddenly have corn can i have your corn it was kind of an acid esoteric sketch i still don't quite understand it um but that was fun do should i tell you a few things about living in new york or do you want to of course respond you have any questions no i'm saying they could probably do that sketch again because it's sort of a good trick you've got a host mimicking this cast member which is a good fun thing for the host and then that side mirror kind of makes sense doesn't a thousand percent but it's funny kind of it makes enough sense till we get it yeah and then it's just three people now it's just funny three people trying to act the same and and lip sync to what they're saying and of course get it wrong it's funny and then i guess it's uh maybe other people are more aware but i was casually aware that lipstick commercials do have long phrases maybelline's lip lip, lip, lip, color, color, lip, special lip, lip.

So that was something that I think that our Heather would understand.

The day and night out in the town go with your first date lipstick.

Yeah.

With the lip, lip, lippity, lip, lip, lip, lip, color, color, color.

All right.

Casual observation about New York City.

First of all, it's like being in Midtown walking around. It's like being in Disneyland on a Saturday during a holiday.
I mean, it's literally that packed. And now they have people on bikes and bike lanes called Citibank Bikes.
And they're going 40 miles per hour. So you're just looking for cars, but there's separate lanes.
You know. God.
On your right. Oh, yeah.
On your left. Totally.
and then you know i go to the pharmacy and it's got all this stuff it's got a little grocery store and you go in and there's a six foot eight guy with a with a flak jacket and an uzi just very serious with combat boots just over by the atm looking around you know it's just not quite like good guy or bad guy he's a good guy good guy good guy a guy who just says good guy not here he's a guy who just says not here not here not now not on my turf but you know if you live up in maybe Idaho or something you may not get as much of that so right I mean you see there's I mean I was just watching our local news and I'm like this should be a crime show because it should be the crime channel every other story is like another smashing another atm was ripped out through the fucking fireplace of someone's house another they're just showing people ripping out atms with trucks out and everyone's like and they worn this 7-eleven you should probably lock them down better it's never about don't steal it it's about how can we and hide it trick people in a totally oh yeah it's the shelves are bare really basically i mean you know you have to get a key to get in to get lotion and stuff and it's kind of i get some rubbers on aisle eight so embarrassing yeah and it's a little bit like my uh doctor nurse it's like oh you want to do what well i'd like to get some uh you know some vitamin c that's under lock and key i'm gonna have to get the manager let me call corporate but but by the way are you for sure gonna buy it by the way and guess what yeah i know right they are paranoid so even the flak jacket guy is looking at me i've got a puffy jacket on you know baseball black baseball cap so he doesn't know so i'm walking toward him he's standing right next to the atm and i kind of whip out my wallet and i the second time i did it i kind of did it very carefully like here's the wallet

well my hand's in my pocket and then there's yeah he's looking right there yeah you don't

know if it's like stick them up you don't want to get gunned down um i've been very busy up out

here in a way i mean you i could have a boozy lunch or a boozy dinner with some friend every day

oh i told i knew it i'm like hey new york fun and you're on the show, and there's a host, there's cast, there's friends that are visiting. You saw Lovitz.
Hello? Hello? Lovitz must have been like, I'm available for sketches. Oh, he was there the whole time.
He's like, I'm only going for the dress show because I have to do something tomorrow. And then he says, oh, I'll stay for the air show.
Then he stays for the air show. I'm not going to the party.
I have something I have to do tomorrow. Next thing you know, he's at the party.
It's 3.30 in the morning. Of course.
I should go. But I'm not jealous.
I'm not going to sit with you and Lauren. Scooch.
Scooch away. Well, I mean mean i like the fact that you're like at 3 a.m going should i call it quits early but that's true i guess it shows at one you're you're high on adrenaline the adrenaline kind of goes away though because you're like blah blah once you get in that elevator you go down you get in limo just on the way to the party you start to go oh fuck like it's it's dissipating and then you and they come up what do you want to eat immediately i know it's oh you get to eat too but you're starving i'm sure yeah you're kind of starving and then uh you know the next day you pay for staying up till 5 30 you know you're like do you like do they move it every week like they used to do yeah every place is different this is at sacks fifth avenue a restaurant oh i like that one la avenue i like that one they're all i had my birthday there they're all beautiful um another casual observation that people that know i'm not normally recognized anywhere but i have the hat on the vest around my neck i've got a phone up like this i'm looking down i'm going full tilt walking as fast as i can another guy comes same way does walking super fast goes i like you on snl and that's it yeah dan barney all they're seeing is this like you on snl and also finally it's very sweet doorman people work at the hotel if i give them 10 seconds of biden they laugh so hard for nothing come on i gotta get out of here go find a taxi yeah you get your facts right jack and guess what and by the way they're like hey thank you mr coffee thank you thank you for that mr coffee you do that service you do a service yeah we like laughing over shit we love what you're doing on that show you're doing over there with that guy.
Dude, you've been a cast member now 58 years. No, no, I went away.
Oh, yeah, I don't see it too much. Hey, I stopped watching when Bill Murray left, you know.
Yeah. It's always like one more time.
He's still doing Landshark. Yeah.
Am I still doing Landshark? No, that was someone else, and that was 500 years ago. You know know the last really good season was billy crystal my short crystal you know everyone's last before it sucked but and then the areas had some bad years and stuff you know but uh you know your a safe a safe a safe answer about us you go sucks now that's just an easy one to start with And you go actually there's some fun stuff most of the comments are the last time saturnite live was funny if i look at an article online yeah was uh you know 81 or 86 or 90 but nothing in the last 20 years snl hasn't been funny and a birdie bar i always say there's always a sketch or two that's funny

every week and it's kind of always been that way there's it's overall maybe it's been better worse

but you hit a few home runs and then a lot of them clank but that's just the way it is

yeah i go by lauren lauren's assessment which is that whatever age you are that you find music

you never forget it what age you are when you first see people acting ridiculous at 11 30

Thank you. which is that whatever age you are that you find music oh you never forget it what age you are when you first see people acting ridiculous at 11 30 at night then you never forget your cast you know and that like seventh grade through high school is like a good chunk when you watch and it's sort of getting away with something it's kind of dirty and kind of all right i'll tell you about my stupid weekend okay what happened what i heard good things i'll just say that all right did the special that was in denver two two shows encore for the first show did you come back out what's up they did stand up i came out and took a photo i should show you i don't think i'm allowed to i'll show it next week if i can standing oh who cares but uh standing Well, whatever.
That's good. But I think there's also, it's like a favor.

They're like we're on camera i feel like this is the time we should stand up but it was a good set i will say denver has good crowds and i knew that because i always played comedy works there so two shows in one night is tough uh gervitz of course manager, was like this on the couch in between. He had a huge pretzel.
I should show a picture. He has a pretzel the size of a steering wheel of a semi-truck.
And it's rotated on a platter, and it's upright like a Ferris wheel. I might be able to put the clip into YouTube, but it's so funny.
They go, we're having dinner.

He goes, we're going to Yard House. Someone's out of cash.
I go, no, I just want to go to Yard House because it's connected basically to the theater. I don't mind Yard House, by the way, but I fake Hem and Haught.
I go, I got to go there. Meanwhile, I love it.
You want it convenient and I'm sure it's great. Yeah, easy.
And it's like not like stuffy. I can always tell on the road.
I don't want to go to a place that has like you know squid and octopi you know you're just like i just want something normal so i eat some stuff and he goes i'm just gonna get a pretzel and then they bring it it's like they think he's seven they bring it like on a fishing line like here's your pretzel it's like a huge and i'm like this that's not for and he goes that's mine and i'm like you got a pretzel on a fishing rod and then they bring it over and he's like i go god damn and then of course because he's carved out he's like a little monkey person he goes i'll eat it like a sandwich it's huge anyway i go mark i don't know if you should have 10 000 carbs right now so he we we talk about this special i go in i do it and then um between shows alex is back there we're just like redoing my set list and switching stuff around just the second show you get to do whatever you want yeah i'm going to see dana tomorrow i go oh you're going to see dana just rat-a-tat-tat with the clients hop stone to stone don't get your feet wet i click all the boxes then i get back to my mansion i said i did it i saw your special i saw dana back to the mansion look at my dog he jumped in the pool i'll show you the video i'll get you a dog if you want you know know, as far as restaurants, just for a second, I went to this steakhouse for a charity and we got like 10 compliments of the chef. You ordered tons of food.
All your entrees, salmon or pasta, whatever. And then compliments of the chef kept coming.
It's calamari. Oh, they give you a three-piece.
Compliments of the the chef so then we ordered a dessert so everyone would get one spoonful compliments of the chef it was like some a village of desserts it had platforms that were elevated it was a million calories compliments of the chef yeah how do you go but you don't need to order anything yeah tell that chef to go shove it up as that yeah i've had enough i made a little card i made a little card out of pencil it just said thanks but no thanks when they try to get with more compliments of the chef compliments of the chef it's very nice but two people were hospitalized for stomach problems yeah because of oversaturation i go there and they go uh you can always tell they're going to send you something they go any allergies allergic to anything and i go no and they bring me a big penicillin cake. I go there and they go, you can always tell they're going to send you something.
They go, any allergies? Allergic to anything? And I go, no. And they bring me a big penicillin cake.
I go, well, I don't love penicillin. I'm not allergic to it, but I'll eat it.
So they give me that. And then they also go, they always have someone stop by your table.
It's like a free card. How's it going over here? You guys good? You need anything? I'm the regional VP of this quadrant of the back of the daytime yeah oh yeah okay and but you never need anything and it's like no and then if you ever do the guy goes i'm the ceo of all the yard houses in history just want to stop by if you need anything i go you got an ea1 and they're like oh no we we were interrupted so much that i nicknamed the restaurant interrupto well welcome to interrupto we're trying to have a conversation these people i've me and robert smago auctioned off as have a dinner date with us right in the middle of you know wayne oh and that's your auction dinner yeah and they're very super nice people it was really fun but interrupto they're like uh is everything okay uh and the order they go uh well we have a great fish i go is it the head and the tail too oh yes it's the head the tail oh yeah but we fillet it so they showed the fish and it was wrapped up in a blanket was it like it was that a morgue or something i felt bad for it sickening i know i don't know we come to your table we smash the head with a mallet.
First, we show you the head. Then we show you with the tail.
And then we go backstage at Interrupto and do the magic. And then you get filleted.
Interrupto. Oh, God.
Every time you do a punchline, you go. And then the third guy says.
And someone goes, you guys doing okay over here? Is everything all right? Can I get you anything? Yes. And so I met my wife.
And the reason we decided to get married can we help you anything you need more water hey fuck you interrupt though your water's down a quarter inch i go i don't want to leave with a full water how about that like i'll get it to the bottom and then we'll leave you don't have to go i go okay i don't top me it's okay anyway interrupt but we sound like the biggest ingrates but the truth is you don't really need to order anything. You just get some potato skins, and the rest, they just bring out, hey, they thought you'd like these.
I always say this, first world problem. But it is funny, because we were trying to talk, and it was Interrupto's.
I won't say the name of the restaurant, because they were great. I mean, they were just hovering.
I'd rather eat at Interrupto's. So then, I go to Kansas City the next night, and i hung out with mahomes all night that's cool yeah yeah jackson mahomes anyway um i thought it was patrick mahomes no it's his brother can we get a rim shot and uh kelsey steve kelsey uh guy went oh i see yeah that's the joke but jackson mahomes is yeah i was hanging out with uh bill streisand her younger brother bill streisand he was he was terrific so what would you do dana i'm in the middle of my act i looked i'm doing this thing about a dog i don't want to give it away it's so funny it's not really dirty but some of my stuff is adult yes yeah I'm in the middle of my act, and I do this thing where I kind of act it out, and I turn around.
Front row, I see this guy, it looks like, with really long hair like this and an empty seat next to him. I'm like, curious, piqued my interest.
But you can't look at someone for more than a second because you forget your act. You know how it is.
Yeah, yeah. I go, I got to go back to that back to that guy so i start something else i look back and while they're laughing uproariously for about 20 to 40 seconds minutes i look over and i he doesn't have long hair he's with a girl i'm like is that his wife no it's a seven-year-old girl with long hair it's his daughter and i'm like and it throws me and so i kind of pause and i think was this guy a coyote from the border he's bringing kids and you know i just thought what's going on here so i go hey man is that a coyote from the border you know coyotes i understood it's kind of a dark thing in a comedy show he's i just didn't know dana i just didn't know i know but you're trying to do your act could have been anything now you're thinking about sex trafficking it kind of unless i think there's a coyote here so i go uh hey man oh who's that and he goes oh this is my daughter nonchalant i go how old are you hon she goes seven you're in the front row i go you got pretty good seats i go who's your daughter megan markle jesus it's got some money well wait a minute what happens i'm like i think that my show is for 16 or 18 and under but i found out it doesn't say that 18 and up yeah yeah but i found out it's for all ages now that's nate bergatzi's gig he's got a clean act like you know totally clean it's squeaky yeah but mine is a little rougher on the edges nothing too horrible but enough to where i don't want to say it to a seven-year-old so yeah i said oh and then i got her name then i kept referring back to her and i even talked about porn at the end and i go hey i go something like uh it's getting are you finding are you people finding it's hard it's getting harder to watch porn on an airplane and then i look over and i go like hey maybe take her to get some popcorn guys like couldn't care less and i'm like i can't change my act for 2 000 when there's one you know i don't know what to do what's what's the rawest thing that you had to do in front of the seven-year-old girl i shouldn't say i don't know fake fellatio gawk gawk no i just there's some stuff i do i do talk about adult i do talk about adult films but she was fine and then afterwards you know people wait by your car to sign funkos and whatever so i go say hi to some people and i started getting the car can we get a picture i'm already in the car i roll it down no i don't roll it down i see that's her the guy and the daughter the guy and the daughter down i get a picture with her because i thought this is just a funny story i don't know and i thought i i've had it and i make my whole show about the the kid it was a boy recently and he's in the front row with his dad and he's like seven or eight and i just keep referring to him i get his name it becomes part of the show and it is funny to do that but seven i thought if she was like 12 or 14 they'd think it was funny but the kid doesn't even know it's she doesn't even know i'm on stage it's kind of tricky was that your first or second show that was my no that was the next night in kansas city i oh you weren't taping okay all right no i didn't i and i and taping i don't know if i would have gone on such a tangent you know uh but at kansas city i said oh she thinks i'm taylor swift anyway so she walked out of there going taylor swift was there um and quickly i have a question you have a goatee and she thought so she might have been more like four daddy he likes it yeah she saw blonde hair yeah he liked taylor swift daddy um yeah he got he got fuzzies fuzzies on face daddy taylor swift she went to taylor swift tonight how was she she was a little dirty yeah she said she say naughty words me cry on way home someone i know just got engaged in and it's a big one.
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Some people follow the rules, but where's the fun in that?

I'm Soraya and this is Rule Breakers,

the podcast where we celebrate the rebels, the misfits,

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Every week, I sit down with the biggest rule breakers in sports,

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Here's my question. Flying home is the last question, then we'll get to all the hot.
Oh, hot topics good lord no but we'll say that but so all right but uh when i'm flying home i had three seats in coach all three of us were in coach right so what are the man of the people so what are are the rules of etiquette when you see people walk up to first class to use the bathroom now i know you're not allowed to stop them but legally are you allowed to go up there and take a shit i sound it sounds gross but i'm just thinking is that's pushing it well wait did i get this right you have three three seats in coach is that right yeah did i get that wrong Did I's three of us yeah now i get that right i'm reading this i'm reading this is your words you are your words not mine you are a very successful international stand-up and yet you fly coach um because of issues with your orthopedic structure or for what because why why it doesn't make sense to the also you like to sit straight up anyway you don't you don't need a lounger well also i have people with me and sometimes i'd rather sit and coach with my buddies than sit with someone next to me and first that i don't know and i just right i know if i have tvs on the back i just stare at the tv like a two-year-old and so i'm so did you you did you did you and yourself as a coach passenger your words not mine go to the first class bathroom and unload a small horse into the latrine.

No, a latrine.

There was a guy next to me coughing the whole time now not only coughing but grotesquely sniffing had up the bugs but every 30 seconds on cue and i was like i couldn't deal with it he could not give a fat fuck he's like this he didn't look over and go, he just goes, couldn't care. Next to him is a college guy,

head on his laptop and the girlfriend rubbing his back i think he's hung over he gets up and goes to the back i go pee later mostly just to stand up he's in there minimum 15 minutes men yep and i'm like this and i asked flight it's always nice to me so i'm like what's going on she's like i think i go oh no so he's puking comes out i let someone else go to soak the fumes into their clothes of the puke so delightful he goes in the front and i go i go to my buddy bobby i go hey i think this dude that was sitting here is sick he goes yeah now he went up to the front to puke to puke up there to balance the plane out yeah in first it's so much barf it would affect the trajectory of the jet so the flight attendant said could you load it up front even it out just so the plane flies back there four up there then he goes back to the back again i'm like we're gonna have to land don't get on the plane if you're this fucking out of it like this guy's obviously got the flu or diphtheria and then the guy next to him is a college kid barfing so not as fun and coach as we all would have thought um i get all kinds of things you ever got a throat clear guy a throat you ever got a throat clearer every 10 seconds for seven hours and that was the pilot but my take your throat back to the shop it's not working something's wrong get a lozenge gargle backstage put put a pillow over your head or shoot me in the fucking head because i can't Let one more clearing we're over topeka i'm such a dick about it oh by the way coffee sniffly is watching a video and it's old old snl not even not our era but just old snl sketches i'm like i just want him to know i'm mad at him and I used to be on SNL you gotta just start talking to your your your bandmates your two friends really loud and just saying Chris Farley you know meet me and Chris Farley Dana Carvey Dana Carvey but I do when I go on SNL and they're very nice the audience when i come out i feel like a ghost coming out of the mist i mean if you don't listen to this podcast you're like where in the hell is this little baby face nutball been all these years and i'm like here i come again come on now get your facts straight jack so it's it's fun to do and i'm just still winding into it i did it on this podcast but not with the full regalia so i've got new hooks for this this show saturday brand new biden who's the host this week michael keaton a man named michael keaton was he on our podcast yeah he was i know super nice guy he's funny dude um and funny so how long does your hair and makeup take for what biden yeah heather has a question it used to be to get a bald cap really on done well with latex and all this stuff would take basically an hour now they have a like a pit pit pit stop like indianapolis 500 they got five guys yeah because the gap and it's 15 minutes to put the ball cap on and then the makeup is not much you know i'm in a certain age group but i they're doing some aging stuff and gives me a dimple and a thing and then they uh slap me in the ass they get they give me out there they give me some french fries they get me in a headlock and really drop kick me to the stage they're really strong they give you a shot of adrenaline like pink floyd get out there kid you're like oh the two superstar i mean the two heads are louis with uh the bald cap and makeup and then jody with her bandmates over and the other side they the wig is delicately placed on my head i tighten the tie or put it on and i'm ready to go come on and by the way and guess what the fact of the matter is let me be clear i ran out of stuff to say so anyway i'm having fun what else do we got that's a half first story here we go first story all right we got it we got a big show today you've had a big show you've had a big show and there's no okay i like this read it actually there's a follow-up kanye west allegedly told wife bianca he wanted to have sex with her mom while she watched this is a real no-no if you're married this is a real no-no oh you know well I mean, to each his own, and it happens a lot. It does?

No.

No. real no-no oh you know well i mean it's each his own and it happens a lot uh it does no no uh cuckoo the run away after this happened a couple i'm like who's her mom like of course we barely know this young lady other than she wears um she's quite literally scantily clad.
I can safety say that, right?

You've seen her?

If your boyfriend wants to put you in some kind of falcon hoodie

with a G-string and parade you down the streets of Rome,

there's one word for that.

Run!

Yeah.

But I love Kanye West. He's got you in see-through.
You don't through oh can we have on the podcast i know no but i do i do oh it's too late he's got he's walking and going you like this shit huh because she looks great anyway a couple days later i'm reading the daily nailed or one of those places daily mail crack cocaine here's brain

freaking bianca's mom bianca's mom she's out and about and she's strutting and peacock and like

what of course she looks kind of cute i'm like oh that's her mom like this is the one kind of

lusting over they hype it up a little bit and then she's like huh leaning over me little old me why

am i so great hilarious well it's just funny a picture of her try to pull one up if you see one

Thank you. And then she's like, huh? Leaning over.
Little old me, why am I so great? Hilarious. Well, it's just funny.
Can we have a picture of her? Try to pull one up if you see one. Where does that end? Just in a marriage.
Hey, can I have sex with your cousin? Your brother's daughter. Could I have sex? I mean, it's just like, when does somebody say, shut the fuck up, you sicko? Yeah.
Is anyone in your family tree technically available? Is any boundaries okay there she is look at her what's going on check me out okay got the heels on the way to ralph's so anyway that's a lot of work is in an attractive woman uh she's got the jackie jackie o sunglasses long blonde hair it's a lot of she's decked out a bracelet you know feels like she's ready for a photo shoot around noon but fine so also um the the the rumor on the story was he texted bianca is that her name biankey bianca and said hey i want to have sex with your mom her answer could have been a myriad of things she could have started with um but instead she said she's married you know what since i deep dived on daily mail i got her response to that actually i want to have sex with your mom her response was again exclamation point we've talked about this no she doesn't get offended she's married that's the reason why he can't i think people do a lot of you know what's that song from the 1930s no one knows what goes on behind closed doors no one knows what goes on behind charlie pride maybe i think so one of my favorites was you're having my baby that wouldn't fly now in 2024 you're having my baby is it at least her baby or our baby you're having my baby oh actually he goes frankie valley says like no it's not neil donald but having my baby what a lovely way of saying what you're thinking of me and he goes the seed inside you the seed how sickening i see it growing your seed is growing yeah he goes i'm i'm happy in no end that you having my baby but but then she sings i'm a woman in love but the best part is he casually goes uh you didn't have to keep it and you're listening going he goes i wouldn't put you through it you could have swept it from your life but you wouldn't do it he didn't say you couldn't do it but you wouldn't put you through it. You could have swept it from your life, but you wouldn't do it.
He didn't say you couldn't do it. He goes, but you wouldn't do it.
Now you're having my baby. Am I hearing this right? That sounds kind of real.
Oh, wow. I thought it was the chorus was, in case you forgot, you're having my baby.
If you ever can't remember, you're having my baby. I thought you were fat and getting fatter.
But then you showed me the sonogram. But it doesn't matter because you're having my baby.
I know you might think that you're having your baby.

Maybe you think you have an hour baby,

but none of those are true because you're having my baby.

It's a little chauvinistic, a little ego.

It's interesting.

You're right.

I'm glad you brought it up. Yeah.

Okay.

What's the next one?

That was a great run.

There's a clip.

Patrick's going crazy.

That's a good run.

It's funny.

I guess so.

Horrifying video appears to show accused killer Sarah Boone laugh

Thank you. there's a clip patrick's going that's a good run it's funny i guess so horrifying video appears to show accused killer sarah boone laugh as boyfriend dies trapped in a suitcase well this is a story it's been around for a while ed did you hear about this a woman so i guess i'm probably wrong they get drunk they're fighting she tells him to get in his suitcase zips it up leaves about this much of the zipper so his finger can stick out and then laughs at him and films it while he's like hey enough i can't it's hard to breathe in here right and stays in there and then she goes to bed she laughs about it filming posts it goes to bed wakes up oh right where's the boyfriend oh he's in the suitcase okay puns over and then he's like this so it came up again because i think it's been about four years of this trial and she's like you guys aren't still mad about this like yes and you're going to jail did she have a defense that was she was drunk and didn't understand and fell asleep or is it what what is it is you were a lawyer in well i i was a practicing lawyer before i got i was a practicing lawyer this is an unfrozen caveman lawyer involuntary manslaughter code one uh three to five she's served three she's out in six months but the lawyer kim kardashian yeah so i don't know so it's just so crazy that they have a video of her like talking to a suitcase yeah and she's drinking wine going what are you complaining about yeah what's your problem oh look at me i'm in a suitcase and i can't breathe get the fuck out of here those are that's her testimony are you tired i'm tired i'm gonna go you want to sleep here you sleeping okay you'll sleep in the suitcase there's more punishment and then it's just hard to get out of that being guilty well and also the whole industry rotated after that they know that a lot of people were put in suitcases by loved ones and they couldn't get out so now there's a interlocking thing where a zip door the thing you can get out of suitcases that was you know government i think biden's been you gotta be able to get out of suitcase come on i took care of that you got a zipper on the inside trump wants a zipper on the outside trump wants everything on the outside i got a truck on his inside every every inside of suitcase show puss swiss army knife cut out like a oh yeah i like the little uh corkscrew things coming through the suitcase all right like that note to self if paula wants to put me in a suitcase make sure you've got the bideny one yeah you gotta get the bideny one you gotta get the biden one it's got a hatch you can get out of that hatch with no problem i don't like him as president but i love him as a suitcase guy by the way when people guess what we're doing like if they think we're political they always go you did a joke about biden so you're for the other side you joke about trump you can't say anything the other day i said to someone i go oh i just don't like these stores closing and that one closed because they had too many break-ins there's too much crime here and they go oh you got a oh you're a trumper hey you got a trumper here i go i can't even be against crime it's immediately whatever you're saying they're waiting what's that yeah what's that yeah you're getting so you're saying they go oh okay all right here's 7-eleven this this is a sad story this is 7-eleven is closing 11 yeah 400 more than 400 locations in uh here in i guess canada uh sad i don't know why because oh it says due to slowing sales inflation declining traffic declining sales it's been selling the exact same for 200 years every my whole life it's there's exactly the same amount of people in there there's about six everyone's buying stuff i don't know the question i have is the people who were going to 7-eleven casually to get little things and stuff at night or whenever i love it where are they going now for that stuff right what's the competitor and this this amazon instead of going to the store and doordash amazon hmm well well i mean when you can order one paper towel on amazon and it comes within an hour it's like it's it's hard to compete with that but it's wasteful but i like to go to 7-11 it's kind of fun i don't i don't mind it being a white trash yeah it's kind of just all the grabby stuff you want to get want some chips get a snow cone get a hot dog get water but i was around in the 60s at a business symposium and the guy was starting 7-11 and i said to him 7-11 eventually that's going to bite you in the ass i say 8 a.m to 12 call it 8 to 12 and he didn't take my advice and now he's bankrupt i call it i said you should call it 8 30 ish to sundown nope didn't bite it didn't bite well also where am i gonna get christmas presents on christmas eve when i'm going to a party and i haven't got anything yet i know there's a little child section you get a little plastic pony and you give it to a sad kid yeah it's it's a shame everything's closing the kid's like oh thank you funions all right next one i guess it's all sad stories dana is it after ariana grande it's all sad uh there's another one here we go okay here's a child oh this is this is a kid when he gets told amari cooper is on the browns the cleveland browns football and they tell this kid who can't know anything about football they tell him he just got traded this is going to be my reaction so today amari cooper got traded it means that he's not on the cleveland browns anymore this is me in fantasy football this is someone wrote this is child abuse letting your kid be a browns fan god damn okay cut it off i didn't know he's crying this hard wait it gets a little sad abusive i would have just changed it out like uh i would have said no no he's yeah he's back he just has a different number does the kid know what he looks like he doesn't know anything if i play this kid in fantasy which i probably do because i try to play people i could beat but uh it was a big shake up in fantasy it was and you it's emotional this is kind of related to this i knew i knew a couple no names but they decided okay this marriage isn't working we're gonna get divorced let's go in and tell the kids and the kids are like six and eight or eight something like that so they go mommy and daddy we've decided so before they really got through it the kids burst into tears violently and they said no they backed it out no we're not getting divorced both of them said no no when they saw their reaction they said no of course and then they stayed together isn't that funny in the middle of it we're thinking of maybes no of course it's a worst nightmare for a kid yeah my parents got divorced when i was four but i read about it in the paper anyway dana you were no one briefed me just where's daddy um he went to the store it's been four years you think he'll be back by now? No, he's still looking around.
He actually went away for a while. We were in Michigan.
And then he didn't come back for about a month or two. And so my mom put the house for sale.
And then he came back. What are you doing? Why are you being so dramatic? It's like, we don't know if you're alive.
We don't know what's going on. So he goes, I got a job in Arizona.
And my mom's like we don't know if you're alive we don't know what's going on so he goes i got a job in arizona and my mom's like oh so we all moved to arizona and he gets there and he goes surprise no job then he left and so now we're in arizona so now three kids boys not all assholes but we weren't we were a handful and then my mom's like wait what so that's the way to break it to you just it's never even talked about you just start to go where was that one guy that used to pick me up a lot well sad oh god i mean i used to do a bit i wouldn't do it anymore but trying to explain explain to three-year-olds about mommy and daddy getting a divorce.

Sometimes mommies like to go nine-night time with a different daddy.

Mommy had too much Chardonnay, and that turned mommy into a whore.

I think they should first get the kids in and tell them why mommy and daddy just don't have sex a lot anymore. Just tell the six and eight-year-old that just to see how they handle that.
And they're like, okay. Mommy and daddy used to just really nail it 24 hours a day.
Now it's down about once or twice a week. And the kid's like, but no divorce.
They're like, no. It's like a first step.
Anything that starts with mommy and daddy.

Daddy likes to go nine-night time with your preschool teacher.

She likes daddy to spank her, even if she hasn't been naughty.

Daddy texts mommy's mommy.

Sorry.

Dark humor, whatever.

Kanye humor. Tragedy and comedy are just like this no more we can do more this was something from bath and body works why did no one catch that this might look like the kkk wow that is i like yeah i mean just off the bat what is it supposed to be a snow flake yeah snow right yeah okay i don't they're supposed to be snowflakes snowflakes well that's supposed to be a full circle of a snowflake that's cut.
Oh, and you only see half, so it looks like five KKK guys

that just popped out of a dumpster or something.

It's a KKK candle.

I didn't really KKK see that.

But it is KKK crazy.

It says Bath & Body Works pulls winter candle after shoppers criticized the kkk hood design it's putting it lightly uh we criticize that i hate when those mega republicans start designing uh scandal cans yeah exactly we got a trumper here also i don't want to know what the fragrance is let's just leave it at that all right that's going to get pulled from the shelves let's move on good good i like we both go that's something i say all the time goat gets bag stuck on his head and the rest is history okay here's i don't know if we read about this in history books but let's see okay where's the goat oh yeah it's got music oh he oh he scares them all everywhere he goes look at they all haul out so he's trying to make friends oh i like that there's words to hoot there it is wow so the goat got a bag stuck on its head it made it look kind of like a demonic goat or something you can't see its eyes area and like 40 other sheep are just running or goats are just sprinting away from it there's a lot of wtf going on with the other goats they're like i'll run and ask questions later sounds like date night with david spade

that joke doesn't make sense it just sounds like a joke maybe that goat was a butter face you never know yeah goats are goats are goats we used to ride a goat named billy actually in montana and we'd ride it and clever kids the poop that came out of it was so organized and little round pebbles the poop that came look i'm eight years old i noticed the poop that came out of the goat this is like a look mom yeah it was like little pebbles and uh as a child i noticed that but then I'd saddle up and ride that thing, hang on to the horns. Come on.
Come on. Poop.
There it is. I know you like poop stuff.
So this is the first time I brought up poop stuff in a long time. I can't believe I said the thing about first class.
I was just saying, I know the flight attendants roll with it. They go, there's not much we can do.
But if you go up there and take a deuce, they must be like, you're really pushing it. You can't come from coach, lay down some cable, fucking pop down a huge giant King Kong finger, and then run back.
How many euphemisms are there for poo? King Kong's's finger you can't go up there lay down a chainsaw shaped deuce in the middle of climbing from 32 to 36 000 feet dropping the kids at the lake and then run back to 48 c you know what i i miss about masks is you just never had to smell anything you didn't want to smell you just always had a mask on because you know i have put my mask on when that guy was coughing because bobby did and i was like i don't really i'm not even a full mask guy but i'm like it seems like some blockage from this guy sick all right one more let's see what's going on let's see what's going on let's's see what's going on. Let's break 50.
I got a million things to do, Dana. A million.

I actually kind of do.

I don't know.

This is the dating game.

The dating game.

They show old clips.

And there's famous people.

Number one, when I was younger, I loved to play doctor.

What was your favorite childhood game?

This is Jeffrey Dahmer on there.

I was interested in taxidermy.

No other childhood games, huh? I don't know. I went to great lengths.
Okay, like what? Preserving the bones of dogs and things like that. Okay.
So that was... It might be AI.
I think it's edited or something, but yeah. It's supposed jeffrey dahmer on the dating game yeah it's definitely i believe it because you know like tom sellick was on like there's famous people that are on old dating game shows and steve martin i think yeah and so i go jeffrey dahmer i believe that for a while and i go and then everyone's laughing and jim lang the host is like let's let's bring it back let's you and i co-host the dating game let's just bring it back what's the song no that's hawaii five oh isn't it i got it wrong that might be it wrong.
It is. That might be it.

Okay.

Hi, I'm Jim Lang.

People comment.

Yeah, if that's the real song.

Comment about my horn abilities.

Yes.

Do the horn that ends where things go badly okay that's it when a podcast goes off the rails run out of batteries okay so dana watch dana this weekend on snl whatever he's gonna bring it we're gonna do the things you've ever seen us before so come on and watch the show don't wait for youtube and so watch the live i know i know i'll be on saturday night live anyone's ever been on saturday live i'm joe biden and i and i remember i i saw this message i approve this message come on Trump's the orange man. he's the old guy now his hair is orange mine's white on white did you know the drill come on folks white on white white on white versus orange eat mcorange what is it if you're a trump or what's the opposite with biden are you a biter you bite are you a biden yeah i know i heard the trumper sounds better easier trumpet trump you trumpet trump you uh harris i guess it has to be harris waltz waltz is the weirdest one are you a waltzer am i talking to a fucking waltzer now what are you some sort of waltzer what are you what are you a vancer are you a vancer is gaffigan around this week gaffigan is always around no oh we should have told him to come on today let's try to get on next he's great he's he's funny i'll tell you one last inside baseball so we're sitting like in silos maya does her thing this is in the uh family feud bit and then i'm seeing her cards and seeing how she's making choices which is great the way she jumped on things and stuff and then it's andy doing his bit and i'm reading his cards and seeing that choice oh he paused there oh he hit that yeah and then same thing would get and then then i talked to andy afterwards he goes i'm reading your cards and your choices make no sense but i'm doing biden you know but they like that you ad lib a little bit they can't believe it they're like what are you doing oh i want i want to do more but the director lives very nice and you got to get at that last line and sometimes the writers are kind of well this is kind of what we have you know but i definitely make up stuff on each one definitely sure but for people at home sometimes the director will cut on your last line to the other camera to show someone if you keep going they cut they're like oh wait we didn't you you have to do little ones in between and um you know keenan who's a master of the art form now of sketch comedy he does little things little tiny things that are different with every rehearsal uh dress show versus air show oh he's doing that he's doing that i think when you add and tag a little bit or do things different just keeps you alive in the frame yeah but everyone has their method you hit the jokes you try to hit the jokes and if the jokes are make sure by the writers you try to serve them as best you can you know yeah we're looking forward to that i'll be in atlantic city soon i'll be in reno and i'll be in whatever it's on my website take advantage until that's released get out there now it's not on till next year so we got a second to but i don't like jokes sitting and rotting on you know they get stale after a few months you gotta get them out okay that's it I don't hang up right thanks guys

thanks rotting on you know they get stale after a few months yeah you gotta get them out okay that's

it i don't hang up right thanks guys thanks thanks for listening watching god bless america

this has been a presentation of odyssey superfly is executive produced by danny carvey and david

spade jenna weiss berman of odys, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman.