Superfly #38 - Jumbo Pretzels

Speaker 1 All right, cold mornings, holiday plans, endless to-do lists. I just want my wardrobe to be simple, Dana.
I just want pieces that look sharp, feel amazing. Makes sense, and I'll use every day.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? That's Quince. That's it.
The best part.

Speaker 1 Their pieces

Speaker 1 make effortless gifts.

Speaker 3 Also,

Speaker 1 this season, Quince nails it. $50 Mongolian cashmere sweaters that feel like a treat every day.

Speaker 1 Wool coats that are both stylish and built to last. Their denim fits perfectly.
It's nutty comfortable, all without the high-end price tag.

Speaker 1 By working directly with ethical factories and top artisans, Quince delivers premium quality while cutting out the middlemen. So you get luxury without the luxury markup.

Speaker 2 I've been living in their cashmere sweaters lately. They hold up beautifully even through holiday chaos.
And Quince isn't just clothes. They've got amazing options for home, bath, kitchen, and travel.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. I picked up a few for myself and a few to gift, and it's all stuff people actually love.

Speaker 1 Give and get timeless holiday staples that last this season with Quince. Go to quince.com/slash fly for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.
Now available in Canada, too.

Speaker 1 That's q-u-in-ce-e.com/slash fly. Free shipping, 365-day returns.

Speaker 2 Quince.com/slash fly.

Speaker 4 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 5 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 4 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht and the boxes keep

Speaker 3 coming.

Speaker 5 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 4 They're doing some aging stuff and gives me a dimple and a thing.

Speaker 4 And then they slap me in the ass,

Speaker 4 they give me some french fries, they give me a headlock and really dropkick me to the stage. They're really strong.

Speaker 1 They give you a shot of adrenaline like Pink Floyd.

Speaker 4 Get out there, kid. You're like, oh.

Speaker 1 Let's get into it. We're on Superfly with Dana, and we're going to start with New York City.

Speaker 4 And I am in New York City. So if you hear a siren, don't think it's some

Speaker 4 in where Spade's location is.

Speaker 4 I do go to the Saturday Night Live parties and I always go, well, I'll leave at 3 a.m.

Speaker 4 It's freaky that you get a second win. You get up maybe at 8 or 9 and then you go all the way to 1 a.m.
for the good nights fluffed and folded. You going? Are we going?

Speaker 4 You know, the death of an episode of Saturday Night Live is if people ask, where is the party too early?

Speaker 4 Like it's 6 o'clock in the afternoon, it's like 6 p.m. Where is the party tonight? Means they're not focused.

Speaker 4 But anyway, I go and I eventually end up with Lauren and we're there together. So basically, I get into the bed at the hotel.
I look at my phone. It says 5:30 a.m.
And then I turn the light out.

Speaker 4 And I'm not a night owl. I go to to bed at 9 a.m.

Speaker 1 You're a baller, dude. That's crazy because, you know,

Speaker 1 I used to do the SNL parties. And now, if something's at 11, I'm like, how in God's green earth, if it's not, you know, New Year's Eve, how do you get up the gumption to stay up to 11?

Speaker 1 If there's nothing energetically happening and you're just sitting around, it's hard. But if there's something going on, you're out, then you stay up.

Speaker 4 Yeah, the party

Speaker 4 are pretty intense. There's a lot, a lot of people there.
And I got to hang out with Stevie Nick, Nicks, who couldn't have been more adorable.

Speaker 4 No, for sure. You know,

Speaker 1 legend.

Speaker 4 Ariana Grande was definitely relieved after the show. The show was, she did a great show.
She can kind of

Speaker 1 say she is hilarious. She's great.
Yeah. I think I wanted to tell her if I ever saw her.

Speaker 1 Just the last time I saw her on the show, her impressions were great when she would sing a bunch of different people and then she's funny. She did a Jennifer Lawrence last time that was funny.

Speaker 1 So I didn't see all her sketches, but the ones I saw, saw, she is just

Speaker 4 a great job. Powerhouse.

Speaker 1 Real pistol.

Speaker 4 She's a pistol. And she's one of those people you go, what can't she do?

Speaker 4 She was there with a friend, and I said, she kind of does everything, right? I go,

Speaker 4 can she dance? And he goes, oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 She can dance.

Speaker 4 She can sing. She can dance.
That's comedy in person. So that was really fun.
And I was talking to a woman at the party. You know how you get whipped off.

Speaker 1 By the way, she's a twig, too, by the way, in real life. She weighs 66.
She's tiny.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And it's so funny. She's such a powerhouse.
She wasn't tired. I think people get on her about being thin.
She didn't look tired. She's energetic.
She gives it in every sketch.

Speaker 1 There's absolutely no complaints.

Speaker 4 No, she's just the size person she is, and it works for her. She has really funny energy.
I saw her walking down the hallway in the costume for the

Speaker 4 castrati. There was a thing that she was playing a boy who was castrating.

Speaker 1 They like that one.

Speaker 4 And when I saw the the costume, just walking down casually,

Speaker 1 it's just funny.

Speaker 4 I said, okay, this is going to work.

Speaker 1 You know, sometimes you have to. So you met a woman.
I'm sorry. I interrupted you.

Speaker 4 Go ahead. Oh, no, I was talking to a woman.
You know, you turn, and then there's somebody, oh, hey, you know, and it was her mom. And I go, oh, that's cool.
Does the apple fall very far from the tree?

Speaker 4 And she goes, I'm an engineer. Okay.

Speaker 4 So she just remembers her own thing.

Speaker 1 Not a photo

Speaker 4 baby.

Speaker 4 No, she's just,

Speaker 4 she's a, what can I say? You know, I mean, good Lord. That's why,

Speaker 4 long story short, I put on lipstick and a dress and a wig and a sketch about Jennifer Coolidge. They threw it at me Thursday night.

Speaker 4 And I just thought, in my age group, I never really was in Drake because church lady is whatever you think she is. There's no lipstick.

Speaker 4 There's no, but then they explained to me that the character, it was like a snow white thing or something that my Jennifer Coolidge has been trapped in the mirror for hundreds of years.

Speaker 1 Chloe told me, Yeah, and you look the closest to 200.

Speaker 4 So, when I came out, but I think we have a this is I had a lot of guests backstage, and Lovitz was one of them.

Speaker 4 So, he took a video of me, which I've posted, but I think it's funny to talk about because oh, he took that, yeah. And I'm just trying to get through the thing.
Here we go, I'm trying to rehearse.

Speaker 4 Let's play it

Speaker 1 mouth magic. Wow,

Speaker 4 so we're gonna have to

Speaker 4 put

Speaker 4 the light tonight.

Speaker 4 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 4 Just learning to lighten it.

Speaker 4 Let's test it by eating some corn. This is good.

Speaker 4 Hey, wow. Let's test it by eating some corn.

Speaker 1 I love it. This is solid BTS.
You got your down jacket.

Speaker 1 But you're literally saying it in your head out loud, kind of.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I'm just trying to because

Speaker 4 between dress and air for time, they had to remove about four beats. One was we eat corn.
It was a lot wilder, but it was,

Speaker 4 you know, it was amazing.

Speaker 4 Yeah,

Speaker 4 it's just a non-sequitur.

Speaker 2 Hey, wow, let's eat some corn.

Speaker 4 They suddenly have corn. Can I have your corn? It was kind of an acid-y, esoteric sketch.
I still don't quite understand it,

Speaker 4 but that was fun.

Speaker 4 Should I tell you a few things about living in New York? Or do you want to respond? You have any questions?

Speaker 1 No, I'm saying they could probably do that sketch again because it's sort of a good trick. You've got a

Speaker 1 host mimicking this cast member, which is a good fun thing for the host. And then that side mirror kind of makes sense, doesn't 1,000%, but it's funny.

Speaker 1 It makes enough sense till we get it. And then it's just three people.
Now it's just funny, three people trying to act the same and lip sync to what they're saying. And of course, get it wrong.

Speaker 1 It's funny.

Speaker 4 And then I guess it's maybe other people are more aware, but I was casually aware that lipstick commercials do have long phrases. Maybelline's lip, lip, lip, color, color, lip, special lip, lip.

Speaker 4 So that was something that I think that our Heather would understand.

Speaker 1 The day and night out in the town go with you. First date lipstick.

Speaker 4 Yeah, with the lip, lip, lippity, lip, lip, lip, lip, color, color, color. All right, casual observation about New York City.
First of all, it's like...

Speaker 4 Being in Midtown walking around is like being in Disneyland on a Saturday during a holiday. I mean, it's literally that packed.
And now they have people on bikes and bike lanes called Citibank bikes.

Speaker 4 And they're going 40 miles per hour. So you're just looking for cars, but there's separate lane.
You know,

Speaker 4 on your right. Oh, yeah.
Your left. Totally.
And then, you know, I go to the pharmacy and it's got all the stuff. It's got a little grocery store.
And

Speaker 4 you go in and there's a six foot eight guy. with a flack jacket and an Uzi, just very serious with combat boots, just over by the ATM looking around.

Speaker 4 You know, it's just not quite like good guy or bad guy.

Speaker 1 He's a good guy.

Speaker 4 Good guy. A guy who just says, Good guy.
Not here.

Speaker 4 He's a guy who just says,

Speaker 4 not here, not now, not on my turf. But, you know, if you live up in maybe Idaho or something, you may not get as much of that.

Speaker 1 So right. I mean, you see, there's, I mean, I was just watching our local news, and I'm like, this should be a crime show because it should be the crime channel.

Speaker 1 Every other story is like another smashing, another ATM was ripped out through the fucking fireplace of someone's house.

Speaker 1 Another, they're just showing people ripping out ATMs with trucks out of, and everyone's like, and they wore in this 7-Eleven. You should probably

Speaker 4 lock them down better.

Speaker 1 It's never about don't steal it. It's about how can we

Speaker 1 hide it, trick people into nothing.

Speaker 4 Totally. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 4 The shelves are bare, really, basically. I mean,

Speaker 4 you know, you have to get a key to get in to get lotion and stuff.

Speaker 1 And it's kind of like, can I get some rubbers on IL-8? It's so embarrassing. Yeah.

Speaker 4 And it's a little bit bit like my

Speaker 4 doctor nurse. It's like, oh,

Speaker 4 you want to do what? Well, I'd like to get some, you know, some vitamin C. That's under lock and key.
I'm going to have to get the manager.

Speaker 4 Let me call corporate.

Speaker 4 But by the way, you're for sure going to buy it? By the way. And guess what? Yeah, I know, right.
They are paranoid. So even the flack jacket guy is looking at me.

Speaker 4 I've got a puffy jacket on, you know, baseball, black baseball cap. So he doesn't know.
So I'm walking toward him. He's standing right next to the ATM and I kind of whip out my wallet.

Speaker 4 And I, the second time I did it, I kind of did it very carefully. Like, here's the wallet.

Speaker 4 Well, my hand's in my pocket. And then there's a,

Speaker 4 he's looking right there. Yeah.
You don't know if it's like, stick them on.

Speaker 1 You don't want to get gunned down.

Speaker 4 I've been very busy up out here in a way. I mean, I could have a boozy lunch or a boozy dinner with some friend every day.

Speaker 1 Oh, I told, I knew it. I'm like, hey, New York, fun, and you're on the show, and there's a host, there's cast, there's friends that are visiting.
You saw Lovett's.

Speaker 4 Hello. Hello.

Speaker 1 Love it's must have been like, I'm available for sketches.

Speaker 4 Oh, he was there the whole time. He's like, I'm only going for the dress show because I have to do something tomorrow.
And then he says, oh, I'll stay for the air show.

Speaker 4 Then he stays for the air show. I'm not going to the party.
I have something I have to do tomorrow. Next thing you know, he's at the party.
It's 3.30 in the morning. Of course.
I should go,

Speaker 4 but I'm not yelling.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to sit with you and Lauren. Scooch.

Speaker 4 Scooch away.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, I like the fact that you're like at 3 a.m. going, should I call it quits early? But that's true, I guess.
The show's at one.

Speaker 1 you're high on adrenaline.

Speaker 1 The adrenaline kind of goes away, though, because you're like, blah, blah, once you get in that elevator, you go down, you get in the limo, just on the way to the party, you start to go, oh, fuck, fuck, like it's it's dissipating.

Speaker 1 And then you get the party, yada da da da da da.

Speaker 4 And they come up, what do you want to eat immediately?

Speaker 4 I know it's oh, you get to eat too, but you're starving. I'm sure you're kind of starving, and then

Speaker 4 you know, the next day you pay for staying up till 5:30. You know,

Speaker 1 you're like, do you like, do they move it every week like they used to do?

Speaker 4 Yeah, every place is different. This was at Saks Fifth Avenue, a restaurant.

Speaker 1 Oh, I like that one, La Avenue. I like that one.

Speaker 4 They're all

Speaker 4 birthday there. They're all beautiful.

Speaker 4 Another casual observation to people that know, I'm not normally recognized anywhere, but I have the hat on, the vest around my neck. I've got a phone up like this.
I'm looking down.

Speaker 4 I'm going full tilt, walking as fast as I can. Another guy comes the same way, walking super fast, goes,

Speaker 4 like you on SNL. And then, phew, that's it.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Dan Barney. All they're seeing is this, like you on SNL.

Speaker 4 And also, finally, it's very very sweet. Dorman, people work at the hotel.
If I give them 10 seconds of Biden, they laugh so hard for nothing. Come on, I got to get out of here and go find a taxi.

Speaker 4 Yeah, you get your facts right, Jack. And guess what? And by the way, they're like, hey, thank you, Mr.
Carvey.

Speaker 4 Thank you for that, Mr. Carvey.

Speaker 1 So it's great. You do that service.
You do a service.

Speaker 4 Yeah, we like laughing over shit.

Speaker 4 We love what you're doing on that show you're doing over there with that guy.

Speaker 1 You've been a cast member now 58 years.

Speaker 1 No, no, I took a, a i went away oh yeah i don't see it too much hey i stopped watching when bill murray left you know but yeah it's always still doing land shark yeah am i still doing land shark no that was someone else and that was 500 years ago you know the last really good season was billy crystal mont short christopher

Speaker 4 you know everyone's last before it sucked but and then the area had some bad years and stuff you know but uh you know your era a say a safe a safe answer about as you go sucks now.

Speaker 1 That's just an easy one to start with. And you go, actually, there's some fun stuff.

Speaker 4 Most of the comments are the last time Saturday Night Live was funny. If I look at an article online

Speaker 4 was,

Speaker 4 you know, 81 or 86 or 90, but nothing in the last 20 years. SNL hasn't been funny in a birdie.

Speaker 1 I always say there's always.

Speaker 1 a sketch or two that's funny every week. And it's kind of always been that way.

Speaker 1 It's overall, maybe it's been better or worse, but you hit a few home runs and then a lot of them clank, but that's just the way it is.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I go by Lauren, Lauren's assessment, which is that whatever age you are that you find music, you never forget it. What age you are when you first see people acting ridiculous at 11.30.

Speaker 4 Acting a fool. Then you never forget your cast.

Speaker 1 You know, and that's like seventh grade through high school is like a good chunk when you watch and it's sort of you're getting away with something. It's kind of dirty and kind of nasty.

Speaker 1 All right, I'll tell you about my stupid weekend.

Speaker 4 Okay, what happened? What I heard good things. I'll just say that.
Oh, right.

Speaker 1 Did the special.

Speaker 1 That was in Denver.

Speaker 4 Two shows. Encore for the first show.
Did you come back out? What's up?

Speaker 1 They did stand up. I came out and took a photo.
I should show you. I don't think I'm allowed to.
I'll show it next week if I can.

Speaker 4 Standing on.

Speaker 1 Who cares?

Speaker 1 Standing, well, whatever.

Speaker 4 Some of them.

Speaker 1 But I think there's also,

Speaker 1 it's like a favor. They're like, we're on camera.
I feel like this is the time we should stand up. But it was a good set.
I will say Denver has good crowds.

Speaker 1 And I knew that because I always played comedy works there. So two shows in one night is tough.
Gervitz, of course, our manager was like this on the couch in between.

Speaker 1 He had a huge pretzel.

Speaker 4 He has a pretzel the size of

Speaker 4 a steering wheel of a semi truck. And it's rotated on a platter and it's upright like a Ferris wheel.

Speaker 1 I might be able to put the clip into YouTube, but it's so funny. They go,

Speaker 1 We're having dinner.

Speaker 4 He goes, We're going to Yardhouse?

Speaker 1 Ah, someone's out of cash.

Speaker 4 I go,

Speaker 1 No, I just want to go to Yardhouse because it's connected basically to the theater. I don't mind Yardhouse, by the way, but I fake Hem and Hod.

Speaker 4 I go, I got to go there.

Speaker 1 Meanwhile, I love it.

Speaker 4 You want it convenient and I'm sure it's great.

Speaker 1 Yeah, easy and it's like not like stuffy. I can always tell on the road, I don't want to go to a place that has like, you know, squid and octopi.

Speaker 1 You know, you're just like, I just want something normal. So I eat some stuff and he goes, I'm just going to get a pretzel.
And then they bring it. It's like, they think he's seven.

Speaker 1 They bring it like on a fishing line.

Speaker 2 Like, here's your pretzel.

Speaker 1 It's like a huge pretzel. And I'm like, that's not for.
And he goes, that's mine. And I'm like, you got a pretzel and a fishing rod? And then they bring it over.
He's like,

Speaker 4 I go, God damn. And then, of course,

Speaker 4 because he's carved out, he's like a little monkey person.

Speaker 1 He He goes, I'll eat it like a sandwich.

Speaker 4 It's huge.

Speaker 1 Anyway, I go, Mark, I don't know if you should have 10,000 carbs right now. So he, we, we talk about the special.
I go in, I do it. And then

Speaker 1 between shows, Alex is back there. We're just like redoing my set list and switching stuff around.
Just second show, you get to do whatever you want.

Speaker 4 But in between, he's like this.

Speaker 4 I'm going to see Dana tomorrow.

Speaker 1 I go, oh, you're going to see Dana? Just rat-a-tat-tat with the clients, hop stone to stone. Don't get your feet wet.

Speaker 2 I click all the boxes.

Speaker 4 boxes then i get back to my mansion i said i did it i saw your special i saw dana back to the mansion look at my dog he jumped in the pool i show you the video i'll get you a dog if you want you know as far as restaurants just for a second i went to this steakhouse with for a charity uh

Speaker 4 and

Speaker 4 we got like 10 compliments of the chef you ordered tons of food all your entrees, salmon or pasta, whatever. And then compliments of the chef kept coming.
It's calamar.

Speaker 1 Oh, they give you grabies.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah. Compliments of the chef.
So then we ordered a dessert. So everyone would get one spoonful.
Compliments of the chef. It was like some, a village of desserts.

Speaker 4 It had platforms that were elevated. It was a million calories.
Compliments of the chef. How do you guide it?

Speaker 1 You don't even need to order anything. Yeah.
Tell that chef to go shove it up his ass. Yeah, I made a card.

Speaker 4 I made a little card. I had a pencil.
It just said thanks, but no thanks. When they try to get with more, compliments of the chef.
Compliments of the chef.

Speaker 4 it's very nice but two people were hospitalized for stomach problems

Speaker 1 yeah because of oversaturation i go there and they go uh you can always tell they're going to send you something they go any allergies allergic to anything and i go no and they bring me a big penicillin cake i go well i i don't love penicillin i'm not allergic to it but i'll eat it so they give me that and then they also go They always have someone stop by your table.

Speaker 1 It's like a free card. How's it going over here? You guys good? Anything? I'm the regional VP of this quadrant of the back of the daytime.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 But you never need anything. And it's like, no.
And then if you ever do, the guy goes, I'm the CEO of all the yard houses in history. Just want to stop by if you need anything.
I go, you got any A1?

Speaker 1 And they're like.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 4 So we were interrupted so much that I nicknamed the restaurant Interrupto. Well, welcome to Interrupto.
We're trying to have a conversation.

Speaker 4 These people, me and Robert Smago were auctioned off as have a dinner date with us. We're right in the middle of, you know, Wayne's.

Speaker 1 Oh, and that's your auction dinner?

Speaker 4 Yeah. And they're very super nice people.
It was really fun. But Interrupto, they're like, is everything okay?

Speaker 4 And the order, they go, well, we have a great fish. I go, is it the head and the tail too? Oh, yes, it's the head and the tail.
Oh, yeah. But we fillet it.
So they showed the fish.

Speaker 4 And it was wrapped up in a blanket. Was it like, was that a morgue or something? I felt bad for it.

Speaker 1 Sickening. I know.

Speaker 4 I don't know.

Speaker 1 No, we come to your table. table, we smash the head with a mallet.

Speaker 4 First, we show you the head. Then we show you with the tail.
And then we go back to stage and interrupto and do the magic. And then you get filet interrupto.

Speaker 1 Oh, God. Every time you do a punchline, you go, and then the third guy says, and someone goes, you guys doing okay over here?

Speaker 4 Is everything all right? Can I get you anything? Yes. And so I met my wife, and the reason we decided to get married, can we help you with anything? You need more water? Hey, fuck you, Interrupto.

Speaker 1 Your water's down a quarter inch. I go, I don't want to leave with a full water.
How about that? Like, I'll get it to the bottom and then we'll leave.

Speaker 4 You don't have to go.

Speaker 4 I go, okay.

Speaker 4 I go, don't top me up. It's okay.
Anyway, Interrupto.

Speaker 1 But we sound like the biggest ingrates. But the truth is, you don't really need to order anything.
You just get some potato skins and the rest they just bring out.

Speaker 4 We understand. I always say this.
First world problem.

Speaker 4 But it is funny because we were trying to talk and it was Interruptos. I won't say the name of the restaurant because they were great.
I mean, they were just hovering.

Speaker 1 I'd rather eat at Interruptos.

Speaker 1 So then, okay, I go to Kansas City the next night and I hung out with Mahomes all night.

Speaker 1 That's cool. Yeah, yeah, Jackson Mahomes.

Speaker 4 Anyway, I thought it was Patrick Mahomes. No, it's his

Speaker 4 friend. Can we get a rinship?

Speaker 1 And Kelsey, Steve Kelsey, a guy with a hole.

Speaker 4 Oh, I see.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's the joke. But Jackson Mahomes is.

Speaker 4 I was hanging out with Bill Streisand, her younger brother, Bill Streisand.

Speaker 2 He was terrific.

Speaker 1 What would you do, Dana? I'm in the middle of my act. I looked at it.
I'm doing this thing about a dog. I don't want to give it away.
It's so funny. It's not really dirty, but some of my stuff is

Speaker 4 adults. Yes.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I'm in the middle of my act and I do this thing where I kind of act it out and I turn around. Front row, I see this guy.

Speaker 1 It looks like with really long hair like this and an empty seat next to him. I'm like,

Speaker 1 curious, piqued my interest. But you can't look at someone for more than a second because you forget your act.
You know, it is. So

Speaker 1 I go, I got to go back to that guy. So I start something else.
I look back. And while they're laughing uproariously for 20 to 40 seconds, minutes, I look over and I, he doesn't have long hair.

Speaker 1 He's with a girl. I'm like, is that his wife? No, it's a seven-year-old girl with long hair.
It's his daughter. And I'm like,

Speaker 1 and it throws me. And so I kind of pause and I think, was this guy a coyote from the border? He's bringing kids in.
You know, I just thought, what's going on here?

Speaker 1 So I go, hey, man, is that a coyote from the border? You know, coyotes bring kids.

Speaker 4 I always understood. It's kind of a dark thing in a comedy show.
He's sexual. I just didn't know.

Speaker 1 Dana, I just didn't know.

Speaker 4 I know, but you're trying to do your

Speaker 4 now. You're thinking about sex trafficking.
It kind of unless you're.

Speaker 1 I think there's a coyote here. So I go,

Speaker 4 hey, man. Oh, who's that? And he goes, oh, this is my daughter.

Speaker 1 Nonchalant. I go, how old are you, hon? She goes, seven.

Speaker 1 You're in the front row. I go, you got pretty good seats.

Speaker 1 I go, who's your daughter, Megan Markle?

Speaker 4 Jesus, it's got some money. Well, wait a minute, what happens?

Speaker 1 I'm like, I think that my

Speaker 1 show is for 16 or 18 and under, but I found out it doesn't say that.

Speaker 1 18 and up. Yeah, yeah.
But I found out it's for all ages. Now that's Nate Bergazzi's gig.

Speaker 1 He's got a clean act, like, you know, totally clean. It's squeaky.
But mine is a little rough around the edges.

Speaker 1 Nothing too horrible, but enough enough to where I don't want to say it to a seven-year-old. So

Speaker 1 I said, oh, and then I got her name. Then I kept referring back to her.
And I even talked about porn at the end. And I go, hey,

Speaker 1 I go, something like, it's getting,

Speaker 1 are you finding, are you people finding it's hard? It's getting harder to watch porn on an airplane. And then I look over and I go, like, hey, maybe take her to get some popcorn.

Speaker 1 Guys, like, couldn't care less. And I'm like, I can't change my act for 2,000 people when there's one.
You know, I don't know what to do.

Speaker 4 What's the rawest thing that you had to do in front of the seven-year-old girl?

Speaker 1 I shouldn't say. I don't know.

Speaker 4 Fake Flash show.

Speaker 4 Gak, got.

Speaker 1 No, I just,

Speaker 1 there's some stuff I do, I do talk about adult, I do talk about adult films, but she was fine. And then afterwards, you know, people wait by your car to sign Funkos and whatever.

Speaker 1 So I go say hi to some people and I start to get in the car. Can we get a picture? I'm already in the car.
I roll it down. No, I don't roll it down.
I see the guy and the daughter.

Speaker 4 The guy and the daughter.

Speaker 1 I get a picture with her because I thought this is just a funny story. I don't know.

Speaker 1 And I thought,

Speaker 4 I've had it and I make my whole show about the kid. It was a boy recently and he's in the front row with his dad and he's like seven or eight.
And I just keep referring to him. I get his name.

Speaker 4 It becomes part of the show.

Speaker 1 It is funny to do that, but seven, I thought if she was like 12 or 14, they'd think it was funny. But the kid doesn't even know it's, she doesn't even know I'm on stage.
She's like,

Speaker 4 kind of tricky. Was that your first or second show?

Speaker 1 That was my, no, that was the next night in Kansas City.

Speaker 4 Oh, you weren't taping. Okay.

Speaker 1 All right. No, I didn't.
I, and I, and taping, I don't know if I would have gone on such a tangent, you know.

Speaker 1 But at Kansas City, I said, oh, she thinks I'm Taylor Swift anyway. So she walked out of there going, Taylor Swift was there.

Speaker 4 Did she? And quickly, I have a question. You have a goatee.
And she thought, so she might have been more like four.

Speaker 1 Daddy, he likes

Speaker 1 to blonde hair.

Speaker 4 Yeah, he likes Taylor Swift, Daddy.

Speaker 4 Yeah, he got

Speaker 4 fuzzies on face, daddy. Taylor Swift, she said, we went to Taylor Swift tonight.

Speaker 1 How was she? She was a little dirty.

Speaker 4 Yeah,

Speaker 4 she says naughty words. Me cry on Taylor.
She was corn a lot.

Speaker 1 This time of year, cozy feels like the ultimate luxury. And Bombas is making it easy to get there.
From socks to slippers to tease, every piece is designed to make you feel instantly at home.

Speaker 1 I got to say, there's something almost magical about the fresh Bombas socks, and it doesn't stop there. Their slippers have the perfect sink and cushioning.
Their tees feel substantial and comforting.

Speaker 1 And all of it keeps that cozy feeling going day after day. I got the socks right here, actually.

Speaker 2 Gift giving, David, has never been simpler.

Speaker 2 Either running socks for the marathon or soft and snug baby socks for the tiniest toes, slippers or tees for literally anyone on your list, even your mom's new ski lodge friend.

Speaker 2 Bombus has something for every foot, every style, every occasion.

Speaker 1 And here's the part I love most. For every item you buy, Bombas donates one to someone facing homelessness.

Speaker 1 So when you treat yourself or someone else to cozy, you're spreading that warmth far beyond your own home.

Speaker 1 Head over to bombas.com/slash flywall and and use code flywall for 20% off your first purchase. That's B-O-M-B-A-S.com slash flywall.
Code Flywall at checkout.

Speaker 7 Hey, everybody, it's me, Bill Maher.

Speaker 7 If you're not watching or at least listening to Club Random, you're really missing something good and something unique because I don't think we look or sound like any other podcast.

Speaker 7 And that's by design. My life's quest has been to do some kind of show that captured the level of intimacy and the lack of artifice you would see if you saw me off camera talking to a friend.

Speaker 7 No one else in the room, plenty of pot and booze, and nothing planned. This is a show where I get high talking to someone I'm interested in to get to know and to laugh with.
It's not an interview.

Speaker 7 It's wild. And I'm having a ball and the guests are having a ball and you will too.

Speaker 7 So please follow Club Random with Bill Maher and see new episodes every Monday on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 1 You know that feeling when you're doom scrolling? I do. Suddenly an hour has gone by or a day and you feel worse than before?

Speaker 1 Been there lately? I've been swapping that habit for something that's actually inspiring and good for you, Masterclass.

Speaker 1 I started making it part of my mornings, listening in audio mode on my way to work. It's a game changer.
Listen, you know Amy Pohler.

Speaker 1 There's an Amy Polar improv class you can take. It helps you think on your feet and approach challenges with more confidence and creativity.
It's good to just have in there.

Speaker 1 Plans starting around $10 a month. You know this data.
They bill you annually. You get unlimited access to over 200 classes across business, writing, cooking, science, and more.

Speaker 1 What are the lessons like?

Speaker 2 The lessons are bite-sized. So you can fit learning into even the busiest schedule.
And you can download classes to watch offline, which is perfect for travel or squeezing in a quick session anywhere.

Speaker 2 And it's not just me. Three in four members say they feel inspired every time they watch, and 83% have applied what they've learned to their lives.

Speaker 2 Plus, every new membership comes with a 30-day money-back guarantee. So there's no risk.
Right now, our listeners get an additional 15% off at annual membership at masterclass.com slash fly.

Speaker 2 That's 15% off at masterclass.com/slash fly.

Speaker 1 Masterclass.com slash fly.

Speaker 1 Here's my question. Flying home.
This is the last question. Then we'll get to all the hot.

Speaker 4 Oh, we got hot topics. Good lord.

Speaker 1 No, but we'll say that.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 when I'm flying home, I had

Speaker 1 three seats in coach. All three of us were in coach, right?

Speaker 1 So what are the man of the people?

Speaker 1 So what are the rules of etiquette when you see people

Speaker 1 walk up to first class to use the bathroom. Now, I know you're not allowed to stop them, but legally, are you allowed to go up there and take a shit? I sound

Speaker 1 gross, but I'm just thinking, is that pushing it?

Speaker 4 Well, wait, but did I get this right? You have three seats in coach. Is that right? Did I get that wrong? Yeah, three of us.
There's three of us, yeah.

Speaker 1 Did I get that right?

Speaker 4 I'm reading this. I'm reading this.
This is your words. You are your words, not mine.
You are a very successful international stand-up, and yet you fly coach

Speaker 4 because of issues with your orthopedic structure or for what reason? Because why?

Speaker 1 Why? It doesn't make sense to the authority.

Speaker 4 Also, you like to sit straight up anyway. You don't need a lounger.

Speaker 1 Well, also, I have people with me, and sometimes I'd rather sit and coach with my buddies than sit with someone next to me in first that I don't know.

Speaker 4 And I just, it's

Speaker 1 TVs on the back. I just stare at the TV like a two-year-old.

Speaker 4 And so I'm happy. So did you, you, did you,

Speaker 4 did you, yourself as a coach passenger, your words, not mine, go to the first class bathroom and unload a small horse into the latrine?

Speaker 1 No, a latrine.

Speaker 1 I, there was a guy next to me coughing the whole time.

Speaker 1 Now, not only coughing, but grotesquely sniffing

Speaker 1 up the boogs, but every 30 seconds on cue.

Speaker 1 and i was like i couldn't deal with it and he could not give a fat he's like this he didn't look over and go he just goes couldn't care next to him is a college guy head on his laptop and the girlfriend rubbing his back i think he's hung over he gets up and goes to the back i go pee later mostly just to stand up he's in there minimum 15 minutes min

Speaker 1 and i'm like this and i asked flight attendants are always nice to me so i'm like what's going on she's like i think i go oh no so he's puking comes out I let someone else go to soak the fumes into their clothes of the puke so delightful he goes in the front and I go I go to my buddy Bobby I go hey I think this dude that was sitting here is sick he goes yeah now he went up to the front to puke to to puke up there to balance the plane out yeah in first it's so much bar if it would affect the trajectory of the jet so the flight attendant said could you load it up front even it out just so the plane flying back

Speaker 1 four up there. Then he goes back to the back again.
I'm like, We're gonna have to land. Don't get on the plane if you're this fucking out of it.

Speaker 1 Like, this guy's obviously got the flu or diphtheria, and then the guy next to him is a college kid barfing, so not as fun in coach as we all would have thought.

Speaker 4 That's it. I get all kinds of things.
You ever got a throat clear guy? A throat, you ever got a throat clearer

Speaker 4 every

Speaker 4 10 seconds for seven hours,

Speaker 4 And that was the pilot. But my,

Speaker 1 take your throat back to the shop. It's not working.

Speaker 4 Something's wrong. Get a lozenge, gargle backstage, put a pillow over your head, or shoot me in the fucking head because I can't take one more clearing.

Speaker 4 We're over Topeka.

Speaker 1 I'm such a dick about it.

Speaker 1 You can tell him, by the way, Coffee Sniffly is watching a video and it's

Speaker 4 old SNL.

Speaker 1 Not even, not our era, but just old SNL sketches. I'm like,

Speaker 1 I just want him to know I'm mad at him. And I used to be on SNL.

Speaker 4 You got to just start talking to

Speaker 4 your bandmates, your two friends really loud and just saying, Chris Farley, you know,

Speaker 4 me and Chris Farley.

Speaker 1 Carvey.

Speaker 4 Dana Carvey. But I do, when I go on SNL and they're very nice to the audience, when I come out, I feel like a ghost coming out of the mist.

Speaker 4 I mean, if you don't listen to this podcast, you're like, where in the hell has this

Speaker 4 little babyface nutball been all these years? Here is a scraggle rock. And I'm like, here I come again.

Speaker 4 Come on now.

Speaker 4 Get your facts straight, Jack. So it's fun to do Biden.
And I'm just still winding into it. I did it on this podcast, but not with the full regalia.
So I've got new hooks for this show, Saturday.

Speaker 4 Brand new Biden.

Speaker 1 Who's the host this week, Michael Keaton?

Speaker 4 A man named Michael Keaton. Was he on our podcast? Yeah, he was.
I know. Super nice guy.

Speaker 1 He's funny, dude.

Speaker 4 And funny. How long does your hair and makeup take?

Speaker 1 How long does your hair and makeup take for what, Biden? Yeah. Heather has a question.

Speaker 4 It used to be to get a bald cap really on, done well with latex and all this stuff would take basically an hour. Now they have a like a pit bull, pit, pit stop, like Indianapolis 500.

Speaker 4 They got five guys.

Speaker 4 Yeah, because the gap.

Speaker 4 And it's 15 minutes to put the bald cap on, and then the makeup is not much. You know, I'm in a certain age group, but they're doing some aging stuff and gives me a dimple and a finger.

Speaker 4 And then they slap me in the ass,

Speaker 4 they give me some french fries, they get me in a headlock, and really dropkick me to the stage. They're really strong.

Speaker 1 They give you a shot of adrenaline like Pink Floyd.

Speaker 4 Get out there, kid. You're like, oh, the two superstars.
I mean, the two heads are Louie with the bald cap and makeup, and then Jodi with her bandmates over on the other side.

Speaker 4 And the wig is delicately placed on my head. I tighten the tie or put it on, and I'm ready to go.

Speaker 4 Come on. And by the way, and guess what? The fact of the matter is, let me be clear.

Speaker 4 I ran out of stuff to say. So anyway, I'm having fun.
What else do we got?

Speaker 1 That's a half. First story.
Here we go.

Speaker 4 That's a weird story.

Speaker 4 All right. We got a big show today.
You've had a big show.

Speaker 1 You've had a big show, and there's another gun.

Speaker 4 Okay. Oh, I like this one.

Speaker 1 Read it. Actually, there's a follow-up.
Kanye West allegedly told wife Bianca he wanted to have sex with her mom while she watched. This is a real no-no if you're married.
This is a real no-no.

Speaker 4 Oh, you know.

Speaker 4 Well, I mean, to each his own, and it happens a lot.

Speaker 4 It does? No.

Speaker 4 No.

Speaker 4 Cuckoo.

Speaker 4 The runaway

Speaker 4 sends so.

Speaker 1 After this happened, a couple, I'm like, who's her mom? Like, of course, we barely know this young lady other than she wears, she's quite literally scantily clad.

Speaker 1 I could safely say that, right?

Speaker 4 You've seen her? If your boyfriend wants to put you in some kind of falcon hoodie with a G-string and parade you down hoodie, parade you down the streets of Rome, there's one word for that. Run!

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 4 but I love Constellation.

Speaker 1 I love you and see the

Speaker 4 backup. that.
I know. But I do.
Too late. Oh, it's too late.

Speaker 1 He's got, he's walking and going, you like this shit?

Speaker 4 Huh?

Speaker 1 Because she looks great. Anyway, a couple days later, I'm reading the Daily Nailed or one of those places.

Speaker 4 Daily Mail. Crack cocaine.
And here's your brain.

Speaker 1 Freaking

Speaker 1 Bianca's mom, Bianca's mom. She's out and about and she's strutting and peacocking, like, what? Of course, she looks kind of cute.
I'm like, oh, that's her mom.

Speaker 1 Like, this is the one Kanye is lusting over. They hype it up a little bit.
And then she's like, huh? Leaning over.

Speaker 4 Little old me, why am I so great?

Speaker 1 Hilarious.

Speaker 4 Well, it's just funny. Do you have a picture of her?

Speaker 1 Try to pull one up if you see one.

Speaker 4 Where does that end? I mean, just in a marriage. Hey, can I have sex with your cousin?

Speaker 4 Your brother's daughter. Could I have sex? I mean, it's just like, when does somebody say, shut the fuck up, you sicko? Yeah.

Speaker 1 What's new in your family tree technically available? Is there any challenge?

Speaker 4 Okay, there she is. Look at her.

Speaker 1 What's going on? Check me out. Okay.
Got the heels on the way to Ralph's.

Speaker 4 So anyway, that's a lot of work. Kanye's into it.

Speaker 1 Attractive woman.

Speaker 4 She's got the Jackie O sunglasses, long blonde hair. It's a lot of, she's decked out, a bracelet, you know.

Speaker 1 Feels like she's ready for a photo shoot around noon, but fine. So also,

Speaker 1 the rumor on the story was he texted Bianca

Speaker 1 Bianca, Bianca, and said, Hey, I want to have sex with your mom. Her answer could have been a myriad of things.
She could have started with, um,

Speaker 1 but instead she said, She's married.

Speaker 4 You know what? Since I deep dived on Daily Mail, I got a response to that actually. I want to have sex with your mom.
Her response was, again,

Speaker 4 exclamation point.

Speaker 1 We've talked about this. No, she doesn't get offended.
She's married. That's the reason why he can't.

Speaker 4 I think people do a lot of, you know, what's that song from the 1930s? No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Speaker 4 No one knows what goes on

Speaker 1 behind clothes.

Speaker 4 Charlie Pride, maybe?

Speaker 4 I think so. One of my favorites was, You're having my baby.
That wouldn't fly now in 2024.

Speaker 4 You're having my baby. Is it at least her baby or our baby? You're having my baby.

Speaker 1 Oh, actually, he goes, Frankie Valley says, like,

Speaker 1 no, it's not Neil Don.

Speaker 4 Having my baby.

Speaker 1 What a lovely way of saying what you're thinking of me.

Speaker 4 And he goes, God's the seed inside you.

Speaker 1 The seed.

Speaker 4 How sickening. I see it growing.

Speaker 1 Oh, my friend. And then see this growing.
Yeah, he goes, I'm happy and knowing that you're having my baby.

Speaker 4 But then she sings, I'm a woman in love.

Speaker 1 But the best part is he casually goes,

Speaker 1 you didn't have to keep it. And you're listening on, he goes, I wouldn't put you through it.
You could have swept it from your life, but you wouldn't do it. He didn't say you couldn't do it.

Speaker 1 He goes, but you wouldn't do it.

Speaker 1 Now you have it, my babe.

Speaker 4 Is that real? Are you hearing this?

Speaker 4 That's real. Oh, wow.
I thought it was the chorus was, in case you forgot, you're having my baby. If you ever can't remember, you're having my baby.

Speaker 1 I thought you were fat and getting fatter,

Speaker 1 but then you showed me the sonogram.

Speaker 4 But it doesn't matter, because you're having my baby.

Speaker 4 I know you might think.

Speaker 4 I know you might think that you're having your baby. Maybe you think you're having our baby, but none of those are true because you're having my baby.
It's a little chauvinistic, a little ego.

Speaker 4 It's interesting.

Speaker 1 You're right. I'm glad you brought it up.

Speaker 1 Okay, what's the next one?

Speaker 4 That was a great run. There's a clip.
Patrick's going. That's a good run.
It's funny.

Speaker 4 I guess so. Horrifying video appears to show accused killer Sarah Boone laugh as boyfriend dies trapped in a suitcase.
Warren. Feel good.
Well,

Speaker 1 this is a story. It's been around for a while.
Ed, did you hear about this? A woman, so I guess

Speaker 1 I'm probably wrong.

Speaker 1 They get drunk, they're fighting. She tells him to get in his suitcase,

Speaker 1 zips it up, leaves about this much of the zipper so his finger can stick out, and then laughs at him and films it while he's like, hey, enough.

Speaker 1 It's hard to breathe in here.

Speaker 4 Right.

Speaker 1 And stays in there. And then

Speaker 1 she goes to bed. She laughs about it, filming, posts it, goes to bed, wakes up.
Oh, right. Where's the boyfriend? Oh, he's in the suitcase.

Speaker 1 Okay. Fun's over.

Speaker 1 And then he's like this. So it came up again because I think it's been about four years of this trial.

Speaker 1 And she's like, you guys aren't still mad about this. They're like, yes, and you're going to jail.

Speaker 4 Did she have an offense that she was drunk and didn't understand and fell asleep? Or is it, what is it? Is it a lawyer?

Speaker 4 Well, I was a practicing lawyer before I got SMA.

Speaker 4 I was a practicing lawyer ah this is an unfrozen caveman lawyer involuntary manslaughter code one uh three to five she served three she's out in six months but

Speaker 1 the uh lawyer kim kardash yeah so i don't know so it's just so crazy that they have a video of her like talking to a suitcase yeah

Speaker 4 and she's drinking wine going what are you complaining about yeah what's your problem oh look at me i'm in a suitcase and i can't breathe get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 4 Those are that's her testimony.

Speaker 1 Are you tired? I'm tired. I'm going to go.
You want to sleep here? You sleep. Okay.
You'll sleep in the suitcase. There's more punishment.
And then it's just hard to get out of that

Speaker 1 being guilty.

Speaker 4 Well, and also the whole industry rotated after that. They know that a lot of people were put in suitcases by loved ones and they couldn't get out.

Speaker 4 So now there's an interlocking thing where a zip door, the thing you can get out of suitcases, that was, you know, government. I think Biden's administered got to be able to get a suitcase.
Come on.

Speaker 1 I took care of that.

Speaker 4 You got a zipper on the inside.

Speaker 1 Trump wants a zipper on the outside.

Speaker 4 Trump wants everything on the outside. I got zippers on his inside.

Speaker 1 Every inside of the suitcase should have

Speaker 1 Swiss army knife.

Speaker 4 Kind of like a

Speaker 4 oh, yeah, there's a little, yeah, like the little uh corkscrew things coming through the suitcase.

Speaker 4 Must I be the man in the suitcase?

Speaker 4 All right, like that. Note to sex:

Speaker 4 if Paula wants to put me in a suitcase, make sure you've got the Biden-y one.

Speaker 4 Yeah, you gotta get the Biden-y one, you gotta get the Biden one, it's got a hatch, you can get out of that hatch with no problem. I don't like him as president, but I love him as a suitcase guy.

Speaker 1 By the way when people guess what we're doing like if they think we're political they always go you did a joke about biden so you're for the other side you did a joke about trump

Speaker 1 you can't say anything the other day i said to someone i go oh i just don't like these stores closing and that one closed because they had too many break-ins there's too much crime here and they go oh you got a trumper hey you got a trumpy you got a trumper here i go I can't even be against crime.

Speaker 1 It's immediately, whatever you're saying, they're waiting. What side? Yeah, what side? Yeah, you're again.

Speaker 4 getting so you say and they go oh okay

Speaker 1 all right here's 7-11 this this is a sad story this is 7-11 is closing 7-11 yeah 400 more than 400 locations in uh

Speaker 1 here in i guess canada uh sad

Speaker 1 i don't know why because we're talking oh it says due to slowing sales inflation declining traffic declining traffic

Speaker 1 declining sales it's been selling the exact same for 200 years every my whole life, there's exactly the same amount of people in there. There's about six.
Everyone's buying stuff.

Speaker 4 The question I have is the people who were going to 7-Eleven casually to get little things and stuff at night or wherever. I love it.
Where are they going now for that stuff? Right.

Speaker 4 What's the competitor? And this, this

Speaker 4 Amazon, instead of going to the store and

Speaker 4 DoorDash, Amazon? Hmm.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 I mean, when you can order

Speaker 1 one paper towel on Amazon and it comes within an hour, it's like it's hard to compete with that, but it's wasteful. But I like to go to 7-Eleven.
It's kind of fun.

Speaker 1 I don't mind it being in the white trash.

Speaker 4 Yeah, it's kind of just all the grabby stuff you want to get. Want some chips, get a snow cone, get a hot dog, get water.

Speaker 4 But I was around in the 60s at a business symposium, and the guy was starting 7-Eleven. And I said to him, 7-Eleven, eventually that's going to bite you in the ass.
I say 8 a.m. to 12.

Speaker 4 Call it 8 to 12. And he didn't take my advice, and now he's bankrupt.

Speaker 1 I call it, I said you should call it 8.30-ish to sundown.

Speaker 4 Nope, didn't buy it. Didn't buy it.

Speaker 1 Well, also, where am I going to get Christmas presents on Christmas Eve when I'm going to a party and I haven't gotten anything yet?

Speaker 4 I know. There is a little

Speaker 4 section. You get a little plastic pony and you give it to a sad kid.
Yeah, it's a shame. Everything's closing.

Speaker 1 The kid's like, oh, thank you. Funions.

Speaker 1 All right. Next one, I guess.

Speaker 1 It's all sad stories, Dana.

Speaker 1 Is it? After Ariana Grande, it's also.

Speaker 1 There's another one. Here we go.

Speaker 4 Okay. Here's a child.

Speaker 1 Oh, this is a kid when he gets told Amari Cooper is on the Browns, the Cleveland Browns, football.

Speaker 1 And they tell this kid who can't know anything about football. They tell him he just got traded.

Speaker 4 This would be my reason.

Speaker 4 So today, Amari Cooper got traded. Was traded? It means that he's not on the Cleveland Browns anymore.
What?

Speaker 1 This is me in fantasy football.

Speaker 1 Someone wrote, this is child abuse, letting your kid be a Browns fan.

Speaker 4 God damn. Okay.

Speaker 4 Cut it off. I didn't know he's crying this hard.
Wait, it gets a little sad. Abusive.

Speaker 4 i would have just changed it out like uh i would have said no no he's he's back he just has a different number does the kid know what he looks like he doesn't know anything

Speaker 4 is he i'm if i play this kid in fantasy which i probably do because i try to play people like a beat but uh did i it was a big shakeup in fantasy it was and you it gets emotional this is kind of related to this i knew a i knew a couple no names but they decided okay

Speaker 4 this marriage isn't working we're going to get divorced Let's go in and tell the kids. And the kids are like six and eight or eight and 10 or something like that.

Speaker 4 So they go, mommy and daddy, we've decided. So before they really got through it, the kids burst into tears violently.
And they said, no, they backed it out. No, we're not getting divorced.

Speaker 4 Both of them said, no, no, when they saw their reaction, they said, no,

Speaker 4 then they stayed together. Isn't that funny? In the middle of it, we're thinking of maybe,

Speaker 4 no,

Speaker 1 of course. It's a worse nightmare for a kid.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 1 My parents got divorced when I was four, but I read about it in the paper. Anyway, Dana, you were a.

Speaker 4 No, no one briefed me.

Speaker 4 Just, where's daddy?

Speaker 4 He went to the store. It's been four years.

Speaker 4 Do you think he'd be back by now? No, he's still looking around.

Speaker 1 He actually

Speaker 4 went away for a while.

Speaker 1 We were in Michigan. And then.

Speaker 1 He didn't come back for about a month or two. And so my mom put the house for sale.
And then he came back.

Speaker 4 What are you doing? Why are you being so dramatic?

Speaker 1 It's like, we don't know if you're alive. We don't know what's going on.
So he goes, I got a job in Arizona.

Speaker 4 And my mom's like, oh.

Speaker 1 So we all move to Arizona and he gets there and he goes, surprise, no job.

Speaker 1 Then he left. And so now we're in Arizona.
So now three kids, boys.

Speaker 1 Not all assholes, but we weren't, we were a handful.

Speaker 1 And then my mom's like, wait, what? So that's the way to break it to you. Just, it's never even talked about.
You just start to go, where was that one guy that used to pick me up a lot?

Speaker 4 Well,

Speaker 4 sadness.

Speaker 4 I mean, I used to do a bit. I wouldn't do it anymore, but trying to explain, explain to three-year-olds about mommy and daddy getting a divorce.

Speaker 4 Sometimes mommies like to go nine-night time with a different daddy.

Speaker 4 Mommy had too much Chardonnay, and that turned mommy into a whore.

Speaker 1 I think they should first

Speaker 1 get kids in and tell them why mommy and daddy just don't have sex a lot anymore. Just tell the six and eight-year-old dad, just to see how they handle that.
And they're like, okay.

Speaker 1 Mommy and daddy used to just really nail it 24 hours a day.

Speaker 1 Now it's down to about once or twice a week. And the kids are like,

Speaker 1 but no divorce. They're like, no, it's like a first step.

Speaker 4 Anything that starts with mommy and daddy.

Speaker 4 Daddy likes to go nine-night time with your preschool teacher.

Speaker 4 She likes daddy to spank her, even if she hasn't been naughty.

Speaker 1 Daddy texts mommy's mommy.

Speaker 4 Sorry. Dark humor, whatever.

Speaker 1 Kanye.

Speaker 4 Tragedy and comedy are just like this.

Speaker 1 No more. We can do more.

Speaker 2 Hey, David, when it comes to gifting, you know, I've learned there are two types of presents, okay?

Speaker 2 The ones that get returned and the ones that instantly become a favorite. Do you agree?

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's Jenny Bird jewelry definitely falls in the second category.

Speaker 1 These designs, as you know, are very modern. They're timeless.
Always feel special.

Speaker 2 Oh, well, isn't that special?

Speaker 1 That makes them my secret weapon when I want to give a gift that really, you know, lands. That's why Jenny Bird makes it easy.
The packaging is beautiful.

Speaker 1 It's very thoughtful. The pieces are comfy enough to wear every day.
Yep. And they ship fast.
That's perfect if you're a last-minute shopper like me.

Speaker 2 That's right. I mean, I just want to do this when I hear that.

Speaker 3 Way to go.

Speaker 2 Way to go. And because the styles are so versatile, they always make an outfit feel pulled together, David.
Without trying too hard, David, not talking about you.

Speaker 2 Some of my wife's go-tos are the best-selling Florence earrings, which I always get compliments, and the Remy Bengal, lightweight, water-resistant, and just as good stacked as it is on its own.

Speaker 2 These are the gifts you'll actually want to keep.

Speaker 1 And you can get 20% off your first order with Jenny Bird by visiting jenny-bird.com and using code F-O-T-W at checkout. You know, when it gets colder, I always fall in the same trap.

Speaker 1 Heavy meals, too much takeout, and suddenly I'm like, why do my jeans hate me?

Speaker 3 I know.

Speaker 2 Yeah, me too. I mean, I'll open the fridge in December and it's like half a pizza and an orange from 1997.
Not a lot of healthy options, David. But here's the thing.

Speaker 2 Staying on track doesn't have to be impossible. Our new friends at forkfulmeals.com totally flips that script.

Speaker 2 Honestly, I didn't think I'd stick with it, but these meals show up fresh every week, chef-prepared, real food, not frozen mystery mush.

Speaker 2 Just heat it, eat it, and boom, you're not calling DoorDash for the fifth time that week.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's not just about eating better. It's about time.
I'd rather spend 30 minutes working on a bit for my hilarious act than 30 minutes staring into my oven going, is this thing even on?

Speaker 3 Right?

Speaker 2 This is that one little thing that keeps you sane during the cold months. No stress, no junk, just done.

Speaker 2 But here's the deal. Do it now.

Speaker 2 If you wait till the holiday slump hits, you'll be knee deep in stuffing and regret. Head to forkfoldmeals.com forkfoldmeals.com and use the code POD50 for 50% off your first order.

Speaker 3 All right. That's forkfulmeals.com.

Speaker 1 Code POD50.

Speaker 1 That's Pod50. Seriously, don't wait.
Your future self will thank you.

Speaker 2 Yes. Thank you for not feeding me the leftover lasagna for the 12th time.

Speaker 6 Don't let the holidays derail your fitness. Stay on track with Hydro.
20 minutes rowing on a hydro targets 86% of your muscles as Olympians guide you from incredible locations worldwide.

Speaker 6 Running can't compete. That's why 90% stick with hydro a year later.
GQ named the hydro arc the best rower of 2025. And every hydro comes with free shipping, a 30-day trial, and warranty.

Speaker 6 Go to hydro.com code fit and save up to 600 bucks on your next hydro. Hydro.com code fit.

Speaker 1 This was something from Bath and Body Works. Why did no one catch that this might might look like the KKK?

Speaker 4 Wow, that is a

Speaker 4 yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, just off the bat, what is it supposed to be? A snowflake?

Speaker 1 Yeah, a snow, right? Yeah, I think so. Okay, I don't know.

Speaker 4 There's supposed to be snowflakes. Snowflakes aren't a snow.

Speaker 1 Well, that's supposed to be a full circle of a snowflake.

Speaker 4 Oh, and you only see half, so it looks like five KKK guys that just popped out of a dumpster or something.

Speaker 1 It's a k-ku-ka candle.

Speaker 4 I didn't really

Speaker 4 see that.

Speaker 4 Well, but it is k-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-crazy.

Speaker 1 It says Bath and Body Works pulls winter candle after shoppers criticize the KKK hood design. It's putting it lightly.

Speaker 1 We criticize that.

Speaker 4 I hate when those mega Republicans start designing. uh candle cans yeah exactly we got a trumper here also

Speaker 1 I don't want to know what the fragrance is. Let's just leave it at that.
All right, that's going to get pulled from the shelves. Let's move on.

Speaker 4 Good. Good.
I like it. We both go.

Speaker 4 That's something I say all the time. Goat gets bags stuck on his head, and the rest is history.
Okay, here's the.

Speaker 1 I don't know if we'll read about this in history books, but let's see. Okay, where's the goat?

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah, it's got music.

Speaker 1 Oh, he, oh, he scares them all.

Speaker 4 Everywhere he goes, look at they all haul out. So

Speaker 1 he's trying to make friends.

Speaker 1 Oh, I like that there's words to hoot. There it is.

Speaker 4 Wow. So the goat got a bag stuck on its head.
It made it look kind of like a demonic goat or something. You can't see its eyes.

Speaker 4 And like 40 other sheep are just running, or goats are just sprinting away from it.

Speaker 1 There's a lot of WTF going on with the other goats. They're like,

Speaker 1 sounds like I'll run and ask questions later.

Speaker 4 Sounds like date night with David Schmade.

Speaker 4 That joke doesn't make sense. It just sounds like a joke.

Speaker 1 Maybe that goat was a butterface. You never know.

Speaker 4 Yeah,

Speaker 4 goats are goats. We used to ride a goat named Billy, actually, in Montana, and we'd ride it.
And

Speaker 4 remember

Speaker 4 the poop that came out of it was so organized and little round walls. The poop that came, look, I'm eight years old.
I noticed that the poop that came out of the goat. This is like a

Speaker 4 look, mom. Yeah, it was like little pebbles.
And as a child, I noticed that. But then I'd saddle up and ride that thing, hang on to the horns.
Come on, come on.

Speaker 4 Poop. Here it is.

Speaker 4 I know you like poop stuff, so I don't, this is the first time I brought up poop stuff in a long time.

Speaker 1 I can't believe I said that thing about first class. I was just saying,

Speaker 1 I know the flight attends roll with it. They go, there's not much we can do.
But if you go up there and take a deuce, like you must, they must be like, you're really pushing it.

Speaker 1 Like, you can't come from coach,

Speaker 1 lay down some cable,

Speaker 1 fucking pop down a huge giant King Kong finger, and then run back.

Speaker 4 How many euphemisms are there for Pooh? King Kong's finger.

Speaker 4 You can't go up there, lay down a chainsaw-shaped deuce in the middle of climbing from 32 to 36,000 feet.

Speaker 1 Dropping the kids at the lake and then run back to 48C.

Speaker 4 You know what I miss about masks is you just never had to smell anything you didn't want to smell. You just always had a mask on.
Because, you know, I

Speaker 1 put my mask on when that guy was coughing because Bobby did. And I was like, I don't really, I'm not even a full mask guy, but I'm like, it seems like some blockage from this guy.
Sick.

Speaker 1 All right, one more. Let's see what's going on.

Speaker 4 Let's see what's going on. Let's break 50.

Speaker 1 I got a million things to do, Dana. A million.

Speaker 4 I actually kind of do.

Speaker 1 I don't know. This is the dating game.
You know, they shoveled clips.

Speaker 1 And there's famous people on it. Number one.
When I was younger, I loved to play Doctor. What was your favorite?

Speaker 4 Jeffrey Dahmer on there.

Speaker 8 I was interested in taxidermy.

Speaker 1 No other childhood games, huh?

Speaker 8 I don't know. I went to great lengths.

Speaker 1 Okay, like what?

Speaker 8 Preserving the bones of dogs and things like that

Speaker 4 okay

Speaker 1 so that's it's it might be ai i think it's edited or something but yeah it's supposed to be jeffrey dahmer on the dating game yeah it's definitely i believe it because you know like tom sellek was on like there's famous people that are on old dating game shows and stiffy martin i think yeah

Speaker 1 and so i go jeffrey dahmer i believe that for a while and i go and then everyone's laughing and jim lang the host is like,

Speaker 4 let's bring it back. Let's you and I co-host the dating game.
Let's just bring it back.

Speaker 4 What's the song?

Speaker 4 No, that's Hawaii.

Speaker 4 Isn't it? I got it wrong.

Speaker 4 That might be it.

Speaker 4 Okay, I'm Jimmy.

Speaker 1 People comment. Yeah, if that's if that's

Speaker 4 about my horn abilities.

Speaker 4 Yes.

Speaker 1 Do the horn that ends where things go badly.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 That's it. When a podcast goes off the rails.

Speaker 1 Run out of batteries. Okay, so Dana, watch Dana this weekend on SNL, whatever he's going to do.

Speaker 4 We're going to bring it. We're going to do things you ever see before.

Speaker 4 So come on and watch the show. Don't wait for YouTube.
So watch the live.

Speaker 4 I know I'll be on Saturday Night Live better than anyone's ever been on Saturday Night Live. I'm Joe Biden.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I saw this message.

Speaker 4 I approve this message. Come on.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 Trump's the orange man. He's the old guy now.
His hair is orange. Mine's white on white.
But you know the drill. Come on, folks.
White on white.

Speaker 4 white on white versus orange eat mc orange what is it if you're a trumper what's the opposite with biden are you a biter are you a bite are you a biden yeah i know or the trumper sounds better easier trumpet trump you trumpet trump you uh harris i guess it has to be harris waltz waltz is the weirdest one are you a walzer

Speaker 4 am i talking to a waltzer now

Speaker 4 you what are you some sort of waltzer what are you what are you a Vancer? Are you a Vancer?

Speaker 1 Is Gaffigan around this week?

Speaker 4 Gaffigan is always around. No.

Speaker 1 Oh, we should have told him to come on today. That's Charlie Lennox.

Speaker 4 He's great. He's, he's funny.
I'll tell you one last inside baseball. So we're sitting like in silos.
Maya does her thing. This is in the

Speaker 4 family feud bit. And then I'm seeing her cards and seeing how she's making choices, which is great, the way she jumped on things and stuff.

Speaker 4 And then it's Andy doing his bit and I'm reading his cards and seeing that choice. Oh, he paused there.
Oh, he hit that. And then same thing would get, and then I talk to Andy afterwards.

Speaker 4 He goes, I'm reading your cards and your choices make no sense.

Speaker 4 But I'm doing Biden, you know.

Speaker 1 They like that you add live a little bit. They can't believe it.
They're like, what are you doing?

Speaker 4 Oh, I want to do more. But the director, Liz, very nice.
And you got to get at that last line. And sometimes the writers are kind of, well, this is kind of what we have.

Speaker 4 But I definitely make up stuff on each one, definitely. Sure.

Speaker 1 But for people at home, sometimes the director will cut on your last line to the other camera to show someone. If you keep going, they cut and they're like, oh, wait, we didn't.

Speaker 4 You have to do little ones in between. And,

Speaker 4 you know, Keenan, who's a master of the art form now of sketch comedy, he does little things, little tiny things that are different with every rehearsal.

Speaker 4 dress show versus air show. Oh, he's doing that.
He's doing that. I think when you add and take a little bit or do things different, it just keeps you alive in the frame.

Speaker 4 Yeah, but everyone has their method. You hit the jokes, you try to hit the jokes, and if the jokes are

Speaker 4 by the writers, you try to serve them as best you can.

Speaker 1 Well, we're looking forward to that.

Speaker 1 I'll be in Atlantic City soon. I'll be in Reno and I'll be in

Speaker 1 whatever. It's on my website.

Speaker 4 Take advantage until that's released. Get out there now.

Speaker 1 It's not on till next year, so we got a second to uh, but I don't like jokes sitting and rotting on the, you know, they get stale after a few months. Yeah, so you You got to get them out.

Speaker 4 Papa.

Speaker 1 Okay, that's it. I don't hang up, right?

Speaker 4 Thanks, guys.

Speaker 4 Thanks. Thanks for listening and watching.
God bless America.

Speaker 1 This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss Burman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.