BEST Western Weddings & Liam Neeson's Graffiti Balls

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You know me on the go.

You are on the go.

And

what's how do you keep going i mean that's the how do i keep this healthy glow energy up positive all the time looking great positive good vibes yeah how do you how do you do it i'm serious cachava oh that's right yeah

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Dana, it's so good to see you.

Quickly, I have to tell you the greatest story in the world.

Oh,

great.

If you have time, don't fast.

I'm excited already.

You can see I'm just stretching.

Okay, it all started.

Before I get to the best Unreal story you've ever heard.

You never exaggerate or never,

you know, kind of.

This is a new thing where we start by exaggerating.

So

I was on the road and on the road, on the road, we know, we know, Spade, you were on the goddang road.

But I leave my hotel.

I'm with Tommy Farley.

He's Chris's nephew.

He's with me helping out.

Oh, I remember Tommy.

Yeah, he's an actor here in town.

Yeah.

So anyway, we go, we're going, we're going to the gig.

I forget something.

It's the second night, you know, when you go hotel to hotel.

So I'm in Jacksonville.

And if someone hears us, they'll laugh.

So I go back.

I go, I got to run back to my room.

So I run up and I leave my door cracked sometimes when I run around the hotel

because I forget my key sometimes.

So

I get back and I'm like, oh my God, I cracked my door again, but I was leaving for the night.

So I go, that's so stupid.

So I go in and I can't, I'm looking at all going, where's my bag?

Where's my, and the bed's messy.

And, you know, of course, I realize this is not my room.

I'm not in my room.

I'm in someone's room.

I've had, that has a messy bed, same room as mine.

I'm like, it's just such a weird feeling.

I go, oh my God, am I, what am I doing?

There's a wall right here.

Oh, shit, this isn't my room.

And then I don't know if someone's in the bathroom.

If they walk out, I'm terrified.

So then I just sprinted out without anything happening.

But then I obviously shut the door and ran.

And either I locked them out or they were in the bathroom.

Right.

How weird, though, if they would have walked out and saw someone in there.

A lot of hotel stuff's like that.

I've walked in the wrong room and done the wrong.

But, you know, I have to say that was the best story of the year.

Well, maybe I hyped it too much because sometimes we stream it.

Spade walks into wrong room and then walks out of wrong room.

Five stars.

Five stars.

Clip it.

Send it out.

What about this?

Here's another really riveting part of it.

Okay, that one, you're not gonna top that now i get back on the elevator and i realize i hit 11 because i was in 11 the night before and just by rote i went do you just hit 11.

so you figured it out yeah i was in two hotels oh yeah what did you do on the break yeah no

a a woman who's my wife's sister named niam was getting married okay and she would laugh at this it was her third marriage um

she's adorable So I was going to fly out.

So Paula is, this is more informational than Laughs a Minute because it's Paula's going to fly with her mom,

who's 93 or four.

And

I was, so I went and reconnoitered.

I went in the day early.

So that flight was kind of interesting because I hate.

I don't like to get to the airport at the end.

You like to be like OJ in the Hertz rent-a-car things, like hurdling things.

So you like to sprint.

There were some really out of shape people in my two flights.

Getting by, getting by.

Really should not be trying to run, actually running.

Well north of 60, kind of overweight, but sprinting like a slow-motion.

So anyway, so I got to the airport and it was delayed three hours.

So that's kind of.

Oh, and you're rotting at LAX?

No, I was in a small metro airport.

Oh, we're not saying why.

Okay.

And I walked up and down and up and down.

And if I have the baseball cap on and I change my lower jaw,

either think I'm Mickey Rourke or something.

Yeah, no one's everyone's so busy at the airport sometimes.

They don't even pay attention.

So you probably take this plane.

I've been flying Boeings recently, I think, because when you go on an Airbus, it takes off and it sounds like the engine is literally an oversized lawnmower and it's really working hard because you're going down.

It's a giant, you know, it's 200 people.

Takes off.

You've heard the sound.

you know that sounds like

it's really and you're like this isn't is this normal yeah is this and then when and then it always in one minute i know it but it downshifts the first time you hear it's like

you're just taking right off the car mat

and then it goes

like it gave up you know and the scary kind of drops a little bit scary

you feel like yeah you feel like maybe the guy dropped the tranny or something yeah so i got there a day early there's a hotel attached to the denver airport you just go right through the terminal into the hotel oh i like that actually which is pretty cool so the whole day i get there i got to pick up the rent a car learn how to drive around the largest airport in the world literally pretty much you're driving well i'm getting a rent a car so i can pick up my wife and mother-in-law at the curb the next day

and i'm sure you've dealt with this all the directions how do you get to the rent a car?

Well, you know, it's so vague.

You go out.

Biggest airport, Denver is such a cluster.

So I still was never totally sure I was going to make it, but I did a test run.

The next day they come in and they're at the curb.

Oh, you did a test run.

I did a test run, but I still at the last second of my east, west, south, they said, well, go to the cell phone place.

So there's a place 10 miles away.

And everyone's in there

looking at their cell phones because you can't wait at the gate.

So they're all just in there.

And then all of a sudden they start moving.

I'm like, holy shit, I got to go.

So then I followed them and we made it.

And then we checked in to a best western.

Dana

James Carvey.

Well, let me put it this way.

If anything says best,

you expect some kind of best.

That's the best hotel.

So

my mother-in-law, Anne, by the way, her whole house flooded.

There's carpenters everywhere, kitchen floor has to be replaced.

So, she's coming from a random flood that flooded the downstairs and blah, blah, blah.

So, I go get them, and we go to the best western.

Now,

I go into my room.

You could say paper thin, whatever you do, but there was a guy next to me when I tried to go to sleep that apparently

was throwing up from drinking too much alcohol.

So, it was 10 minutes of

me.

So I'm trying to never, never land.

But I realized my pillow was like, I don't know if you ever get a rubber pillow.

Like Herman Munster could sleep on it, but not a regular human.

Like it doesn't go down at all.

You have a sensitive neck, right?

So it's like 10 o'clock, but Target is open.

So Paul and I go over to get me a $2 pillow to see if that'll work for me.

And so the next morning I get

my mother-in-law, Ann, her room is flooded and has a sewage component.

She came from the flood into a flood.

She came from the flood into another flood.

So we're like, we called an audible.

We didn't try to switch rooms or anything.

Paula said, we got to go.

We got to get out of here.

Even though all the wedding party, like 40 people are at the hotel.

So we went over to the Hilton.

We go, this is awesome.

Big atrium.

Juice.

The guy's checking.

Okay, let me see.

I think I have no.

Oh,

we have a hundred.

This is quoting.

We have 125 people checking in in two hours.

They got one room.

We're not going to share it.

Then we went to a place called the Armstrong, and that was cool.

So,

so it's obviously not a huge metropolis you're in.

It's not Denver exactly.

So

you have to kind of get a smaller hotel.

I was Elvis in Fort Collins.

I have never been recognized.

I don't want to be starstruck, but Bardie, Bardie, you know, I mean, I'm not normally like that.

I've seen you, but no one goes to Fort Collins.

So I'm Elvis for the entire weekend.

I can't hide.

Amen.

You know,

I'm a little starstruck.

I don't really know what to say to you.

But anyway, we had a wedding of four days.

We had dinners.

We had breakfasts.

We had picked the, you want to go to the makeup?

pick the flowers thing?

No, I think I'll tap out on that.

Oh, you got an itinerary.

You can pick things.

Yeah, you could kind of go.

Paula was going.

So anyway, the wedding happened out in the middle of nowhere.

You drive like roads, roads, then dirt roads, dirt roads to an abandoned lake with a rec room.

And where they filmed Chainsaw Massacre.

And

we're out there pre-wedding.

Guess what?

Leak, toilet backed up, soyage problems, water flooding in the little rec room area where the big table.

So we got a guy, a guy comes and is snaking the thing while the wedding's going on.

The wedding, the guy's playing an oboe or something, like these, it was like Ken Burns kind of stuff.

Really?

And the weather got incredibly dramatic.

So the vows were mature vows.

These people have lived, you know, and they're very emotional.

But the cool part was the groom, Jeffrey, wrote a poem about Nive.

It was very beautiful.

And then with his friend, he made a song out of it with AI.

So

AI worked its way in.

Beautiful singer.

A lot of people, who was singing that song?

A lot of seniors there.

That was AI.

Whoa, what do you mean?

AI.

Dag Snabbit?

That sounds just like a real song.

Like a witch.

So then the bathroom was out.

So you had to do a hike up.

You had to go to this delivery.

It's a deliverance vibe.

There's this house up the block to the letter she's our bathroom and a woman on a swing.

What are you doing here?

You know, there's a guitar laying down on the carpet, toys everywhere, a junk dog.

Everything is

so.

Anyway, it was great.

And on the way back, my mother-in-law needed a wheelchair through the airport.

Never went through an airport like that because we were with her.

We just went, we were king.

Did you get on a cart?

No, we just followed that wheelchair, man.

Beep, beep, beep.

Sometimes they pull a cart up and I say, no, thanks.

I want to walk it.

I need steps.

I don't know if anything.

Well, I could go on more, but that's kind of, that's the general gist of it.

Is that the long and short of it?

That's the long and the short of it.

I like vows where they're like on the third marriage going, hey, let's just see what happens.

Let's try it out.

Well, this was so emotional.

It's kind of like they finally checked off all the boxes on the person they had.

Good, good, good.

Like, I want someone who's like this and like that.

And so it was, I, I'm, I tear up easily.

Of course I do too.

I was, because, you know, I've known Niamh, I've known Paula's sister since she's six years old.

And I was the funny boyfriend that came around, you know?

And so we had this thing where I had a Volkswagen bug and she would sit on my lap and drive the car.

This is in the late 70s.

And then if we saw a motorcycle guy with a helmet on, I'd say bubblehead, two o'clock.

And then you'd press the button that sprayed the water on the actual windshield.

It just pretend that you're actually somehow spraying the bubblehead.

She never forgot that.

Sitting on my lap, driving bubblehead to it.

Did they ever have the courtesy during their vows to say, How about a round of applause for Dana Caruke is here?

Well, there was.

Does anyone else want to speak?

Right?

Yeah, there you go.

You got a time to do a set.

No, but then I thought, I don't want, I want this to be their day.

I don't want to get up and start, you know,

and everyone's like,

but it was very emotional.

It was sweet.

And, you know, it is mature.

I do think, you know, getting married in that age group, maybe you are a little more picky or just kind of well, you probably sync up more than when you were 24 or something because everyone changes so much in their life.

And then by that point, they probably, it's fun to find someone a little later.

You go, hey, I have someone to roll with.

Yeah, and I, I

really liked the

the groom and then you can't help but you're there you're a husband and then you're hearing compliments about him you go geez do I qualify for that you always you're always there for me you protect me you take care of me

Paula's already she's already yawning she's like oh you can get all those things and you do this and you do that and you do that like uh we're supposed everyone was shocked that we've been married 42 years because there's like 14 divorces between the two families and they were all there, literally.

And they're like, what?

Did I hear that right?

No, everyone is shocked.

But, you know, I've met Paula.

She's so cool that I could.

Really?

I could see it.

I could see it.

Interesting.

I could see how you guys get along and you are both very mature

and you have a good thing going, which is not what everyone has going.

Well, in the end of the day, I think someone said this recently, who are you going to watch TV with?

Right.

Marry that person.

That's actually what it ultimately boils down to is hanging out.

You know those mornings where everything feels like it's moving 100 miles an hour?

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You're trying to hit your protein goals.

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Well,

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Oh, yeah, it's fun.

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All right.

I have some more superficial stuff to talk about.

That was nice, though.

I do cry at that.

I cry at commercials.

I cry anywhere uh this is i tear up oh heather by the way that we should do that liam neesen video

do you have it in there anywhere or do only i have it i have it well you have it

too just send it while i'm doing this we'll get to it

i'd like to see that because the whole who's his new girlfriend from baywatch pamela i've had people say to me that's not real is it i don't know like as if i know it's very believable

it's funny because i knew pamela in the old days i don't talk to her anymore and I can't find her.

Her old number doesn't work.

And I'm like, we should have her on.

And she's got a movie out.

I think we should have her on.

She's great.

She's super upbeat, fun, but she's got a great voice.

She'd be fun to have on, but we'll see.

Heather's going to send that in.

In the meantime, someone asked me this weekend two little trivia questions.

One,

they saw...

a Joe Dirt screening.

They told Heather.

You know when you screen a movie first?

Yeah, of course.

And, you know, in the movie, Dana, I don't want to give it all the way, but

I'm looking for my parents.

And I've seen it 11 times.

It's embarrassing you say that.

It's embarrassing you've seen it too much.

I actually think

it's a sleeper.

When the clips I've seen of it, and I go, yeah, there's just a fun.

I see why it's lasted.

There's such a gentle fun to it.

And yeah, it's got some crunchy.

moments, word packages.

And so, you know, like you said, in movies, I always remember the quirky throwaways, the weird little bits, and it has a measure of that.

And I am not sarcastic and I'm actually a genuine person, which is I know.

I couldn't believe it when I saw what happened to the funny guy.

I know.

I'm a nice guy that gets pushed around and people start to feel for you.

But the parents were played with by Gary Busey and Roseanne.

And I didn't forget that, but I forgot the day they shot Fred Wolf, the other writer, didn't come in.

And I was like, I think he said he was sick, but I'm like, you cannot leave me alone with Gary Busey going, I got a line change.

I spoon fed Eisenhower.

You know, he says like all these crazy.

He talks like Charles Manson or something.

And Hiller was my cousin.

Yeah, he just goes, and he can, he can talk in a run-on sentence for maybe 15 minutes.

So he's pitching me ideas.

And Roseanne, who I know.

better and well

wasn't as big of wasn't really a problem just she's a comedian so she goes, I might change this.

Fine.

So we do it, but it's such hurting cats because there's so much going on in that scene.

Anyway, it's a very crux of the movie.

And so we do it, we, and every take is different.

And Gary's saying so many things.

He was in Black Sheep, so I know him a little bit.

And he's definitely funny.

It was just hard to wrangle him to get my cues from my lines or Roseanne's.

So anyway, we showed it a screening, and I remember Sandler saying,

Movie's great.

It got laughs all the way through.

We have to change the parents because it is the one thing that didn't quite work.

So we went and reshot, which is very normal for a movie.

I didn't think they were.

They weren't in the movie.

We went and reshot it.

That's why it's funny.

Someone saw it with Roseanne.

I go,

how would you see it with her?

I thought we caught it before we...

I thought you said they were in it.

I wasn't misremembering.

So who were the parents?

We had Fred Ward and this woman, both character actors that were good, but it was, we decided not to steal focus with

stars, just have them regular parents, regular scenes, just kind of emotional scene.

They don't really like me.

Anyway, weird, huh?

That Roseanne and Gary Busey were the parents.

I had a weird thing once.

I was doing Master of Disguise.

I was so happy to get Robert Loscha

because of Big and all that.

Like he would be.

Roadhouse.

Yeah,

he'd be the grandfather and stuff and then so at the read-through afterwards you know they said uh the accent's too shaky you know he's supposed to do italian accent you know

what happened then oh it's too shaky so it was kind of torturous because i

but i think he got his full payment and he went to italy but it was really hammer you

no

i think jack

jack giraputo but only well-intended i mean he did everyone loved Robert.

It was just sort of maybe it's not quite, but you know, the movie was so goofy.

I think Barbara Streisand, who was really cool, she visited the set.

Ooh.

And James Brolin was playing.

Oh, he's in it.

He's in it too.

And he's doing an Italian accent.

I'm doing Italian.

And

Barbara said very gently and nicely, she goes, I just,

I don't understand why the accents are all so different.

I mean, shouldn't they sort of be kind of the same?

And by the way, when I met her, I had full prosthetic.

You couldn't even see me.

It was just because of the timing of Robert Shaw from Jaws.

So I'm casually talking to her as Dana, looking exactly like Robert Shaw from Jaws.

Shark going to water,

Streisand come to the set.

Oh, she'll leave the set.

So, anyway,

movies are like that.

Obviously, Gary Busey's brilliant.

Roseanne Roseanne Barr is hysterical.

So there is some reason.

Maybe they were

sure.

I don't know if I've been replaced on stuff, but it can happen.

It just, like you said, Italian accent's awful, but like all three are from obviously different parts of Italy.

You should have explained to Barbara Streisand.

There's so many things that are off on the movie.

It was put together with scotch tape and hope.

I mean, but I still like this scene.

I know you haven't seen it, but

I like stuff like this, but it doesn't even make sense.

Like, pistachio is an Italian waiter.

He's got all this spaghetti in these place.

Yes, I bring a spaghetti.

Here I go.

And there's a table of five.

And then he falls out of frame.

And then you see fake legs kick up behind to make it really seem like it.

Like one, two, three, throw the legs up that look like his shoes.

And then I'm on the table and you cut, and everyone's like a cartoon.

So the entire party that was just normal people, they're they're all covered in spaghetti.

But they're not moving.

It's like a cartoon.

They're just sitting there stunned, covered head to toe in spaghetti.

So I'm crawling across the table and I take a napkin and I'm trying to clean the guy's glasses.

And then we have a shot from inside of it blurry.

Have you going like an.

Yeah, so it could have been a great movie.

It made $100 million with video.

It doesn't matter.

I didn't get the $100 million.

Those are funny scenes.

I mean, everybody, if you're doing it, there's going to be a couple of funny scenes.

There just has to be.

And also, I think I believe it's pretty trite right now, but a big, silly, funny comedy.

I think that, you know,

Liam Neeson, I haven't seen it yet, but it's, it's, and yeah, Nick a gun.

So that feels kind of good to me if it's just.

Oh, here's a video.

Oh, well, that's cute.

Okay.

Okay.

Well, did someone spray paint?

I'm driving along.

The setup is, I go, there's naked guns.

Someone should draw a dick.

And someone literally walks up while I'm driving by and draws a dick on it.

So you

thought, and then that guy did.

Jody said it.

Jody said it.

Yeah.

So this guy just happens to.

I was there to verify.

That is exactly what happened.

Yeah, Heather said exactly what happened.

We're driving by and we're like, look at his legs.

How funny.

And Jody goes, someone should draw a dick.

And this guy just casually walks up.

I don't need, I don't need the hair on the balls, but

I think it looks like a nose.

It looks like more of a bar chair or something.

I'm not sure.

I'm not going to bark a lounger.

And we caught this vandal in the act.

Forgot to report him.

But

so, anyways.

That's an actually cool report.

It's funny that we caught that.

It was crazy.

It was fucking crazy, Dana.

It was fucking nuts.

You manifested it.

Yes.

Yeah, manifesto.

So you were mentioning Jack and Happy Gilmore.

Jack is in Happy Gilmore, one of the announcers.

You just mentioned he's a producer with Adam.

Anyway, he's back in Happy Gilmore too.

So I was watching it the other day, and here's some trivia.

Because I just gave you some JoJo trivia.

When he did...

Well, Happy Madison is his company.

And some people were confused.

and they said why is it called that i said oh because his first two movies were billy madison and happy gilmore and he combined them

you know that

people know that but some people i might not put that together no so uh

that's one also one

oddly he shot we were both doing an snl we both got a deal to move do a movie Ours was Tommy Boy in that summer when the show was over.

So during this production year on weeks off at SNL, we would work on,

you know,

the Turners were working on Tommy Boy, Freddie Wolfe, Chris and I would add stuff, whatever.

But that's going, and then Adam and I think Hurlehee are writing Billy Madison.

But ours isn't called Tommy Boy.

I've told you this.

It was called Billy the Third, a Midwestern.

That's what it said on the front of the show.

So there you go.

It's kind of funny.

So he was starting shooting first.

So we're like, oh, we can't both be Billy.

Farley's movie, the name was, and the the whole movie was Billy.

So

we got stuck because then we changed his name to Tommy in the movie, but we had no title.

So the whole movie, we didn't have a title.

And every title was dumb.

There's Big Time, Rocky Road.

I have actually a mock-up of a poster that says Rocky Road.

And same thing, us in a car, crazy.

What are you going to call it?

And then I think Brian Denna, he is dad in the movie.

Tommy Boy, come here, come in here.

He just would ad-lib that.

And then they told me later it's called Tommy Boy, and I was like,

I didn't really love it.

I was like, Tommy Boy.

It, you don't, it is one of those where you don't feel like you have to remember it.

You know, somehow it hits your brain.

The Master of Disguise, he was the Master of Disguise.

That's a good title.

Yeah, that makes sense.

And it's, and it's, it sums up the whole movie.

It's perfect.

He is a man.

But the movie doesn't make literal sense.

I think Tommy Boy makes sense because he, he,

you know, the sacred mantra to become another, to become another person.

So he goes, yes, I will go to the turtle club.

And then he starts going, become another person.

That's the sacred mantra to become another person.

But nothing really happens.

Right.

And in Tommy Boy, his dad passes away.

He wants to be like his dad.

He let everyone down.

He doesn't want to be a failure.

Yeah, there's some themes.

Even Happy Gilmore is a little more

family-oriented, a little little deeper, a little more emotional than probably Happy Gilmore 1, Happy Gilmore 2.

It's great.

There's a ton of jokes.

There's a lot going on.

And of course, you've heard about the cameos.

So just a lot of fun.

Very fun.

I was hitting him up in the first 10 minutes going, God, so many jokes already.

And also so much money.

Like

just coming off of scrimpy busboys of how much we.

spent on it and knowing kind of how much things cost.

Like, you know, when you watch a movie, you go, oh, he has an airplane in one scene, just a cutaway stunt where the stairs are there that you get on and the airplane, when they work on the plane, and the plane wing hits it, knocks them over, and almost hits everyone.

Just that.

Just that.

300,000.

You got to set up, you got to get the airport.

You got to get a plane.

You could hurt the wing, and then you got to pay for the wing.

If you it knocks it over, you probably do it twice because make sure the guy's doing something.

He has a timeout right away.

Then this falls almost on him and stunting around fire trucks.

just that it was a cutaway and a funny one and like a montage i'm like just going oh my god so great songs of course expensive i just had something pop into my head yeah you think borat

was the most least expensive film that made the most money because it's like a

camera kind of yeah it's out in the world with his character possibly that and uh what was the one

the scary one where they walked around with a handheld they found?

Oh, yeah.

Blair Witch, Blair Witch, which I never saw.

I hate it.

Too scary.

Too shaky.

It was too shaky.

I got a headache years ago.

I don't like this kind.

But I do like the idea of a found camera.

It just makes the movie so fucking cheap and you just focus on funny stuff.

Look, we're in a real movie.

We found video of a cheaper movie.

So let's play that video.

Yes, exactly.

It's funny.

It's a good hook.

I don't know.

I think AI, AI, we'll be able to make a movie very soon just with our laptop, look just like anything you want.

Someone said the other day,

what would the Gap Girls be doing now in this day and age?

I'm sure everyone's thinking that.

I go, I'm sure it would be a little harder to write.

Gap girls go to Gaza or whatever.

You know, there's a lot of things you could do.

Well,

what about a Gap Girls movie?

I mean, you know,

gap girls try to stop 9-1-1.

They go back in time to stop 9-11.

It's a little heavier than a regular Gap Girl.

They go back to Hitler's Nazi Germany in 1935.

Everyone wants to go back and kill Hitler.

The funniest thing is, not funny, but a good trick we've talked about in movies is everyone's scared of being racist.

You can't say any country is bad.

Even in this movie I just saw was Superman, they have made-up names of countries.

Oh, yeah, made-up countries, but you kind of get the general gist, if you know what I mean.

Yeah, so you go, okay, that's that.

But, and they always fight superheroes because you can't get mad.

You go, okay, they're bad people, I guess.

But when you start naming countries that are bad, everyone goes, Hey,

well,

yeah, yeah.

So, or you go, Wonder Woman went back to

Nazi Germany.

Yes.

Now, there's the bad guy.

And everyone goes, okay.

Well, Dunkirk, who I think it was the German Nazis versus the British, they were only referred to as the enemy.

Yeah, and enemy planes, enemy this, enemy of that.

Oh, really?

Because that's what Maverick did to puss out.

He really pussed out.

He calls them the bad guys.

The bad guys, yeah.

So, I think that in Superman, the only time I kind of laughed at myself a little bit is when Lex Luther kept pointing at Superman and going, You're just an alien, you know, in today's modern political world.

You alien you, but he is an alien.

You'll never fit in.

You're an alien, yeah.

But he is a literal from another planet.

The way when I grew up, that's how I would think of the word aliens, like the movie Alien.

Yeah,

but it's really about the border and the securing of the border.

When I picture aliens, I picture the little green man.

I don't picture Superman,

right?

But he technically is, I guess.

I liked it.

Oh, Superman, did you like it?

Yeah, because I go in with

a gentle approach.

Like, you know, what they're trying to do is launch Superman.

Very tough.

And I think they kind of did it.

I didn't mind Fantastic Four because Superman was just a story you already know.

You already know two-thirds of it.

You know the Daily Planet.

You know this Lois Lane.

You know this and that.

And then who's the guy playing him?

is new.

And then what's the

story?

It got a little like the flash flash when they went to different dimensions and stuff.

Yeah, it was definitely out there, but they made him emotional.

I mean, I go back to the comic books when I was a little kid, and there was a black and white television show called Superman, but they made him emotional.

I thought it was good.

Hard to do.

Hard to do.

Who was that?

George Reeves?

James Gunn.

Oh, George Reeves back in the day.

And

Fantastic Four was probably better than I thought.

Got that out.

Either you have a frog in your throat or you didn't really like Fantastic Four.

I really enjoyed Fantastic Four.

When I lie, I do that.

All right, let's get to some headlines, some hot headlines.

Okay.

Right off the press.

Oh, this is an airplane.

This might be AI.

Okay, if this was an airplane, would you fly it?

Would you fly in a see-through airplane?

Oh, that's AI for sure.

No, not right now like uh no or someone someone are the toilets transparent you have to put one wall up in there well first of all if it to have bright sun you're you are closer to the sun technically and it's coming right down on top of you i don't mind big side windows

already shooting some holes in this yeah and i doubt they have a sunroof big fat no thank you Would it scare you

if it sounded like those Airbuses?

Sometimes it sounds like it's kind of crying.

Would you do a glass bottom boat?

Yep.

You like that?

Oh, you like that?

Yeah, because they're beneath me.

I'm safe for the boat.

If it was Pexiglass, if it's just actual glass, it could crack on a rock.

No, thank you.

Have you seen in China they have like, first of all, plexiglass over something scares your brain to walk on.

You don't want to walk on it.

Yeah.

Because you'll fall.

If there's an alligator under there, you think you're going to fall.

So it's very hard to make your body walk on it.

And then China, they have ones that pretend to crack.

Just

a humiliation.

Is it part of a theme park?

Unreal.

And everyone goes,

I don't know.

I go, I would kill.

They go.

What is it?

And then they get on the plane.

And then they get up.

Oh,

so God.

Good transition.

Sorry, that was a little earthquake.

Jeff Lexman and Earthquake.

Just a little appetite.

It does pretty good in the comments.

Okay, what's next?

Well, I didn't do it properly.

Maybe I'll do it later.

You can read us.

California leads the nation in both unemployment and homelessness.

Homelessness.

Connect the dots.

I like, is that fake?

Is a tree on fire

on top of everything else?

Sounds like the fire was at it.

I think they're like sum up California AI in this picture.

Fire, homeless, crime, burning,

news van.

What are those vans?

Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, we still have great weather right now.

I don't want it just to be great weather.

And we need more in California.

Get back to the old days.

More going on.

Just

basic stuff.

We want our goods and services to function properly.

We want as much as possible

feel safe walking around.

Safe is a big one.

Going places.

Ideally, back in the day in the 50s when they put in the highway system, I'm going to ask you a question.

We can check with AI.

They put in like four lanes on both sides most of the time.

And then you have gridlock forever.

How many lanes did they need?

This is a good question.

Heather, how many lanes should they have put in initially?

Like 20 lanes on each side before they built all the buildings and everything around the freeway?

Or at least 10 lanes on each side?

Those fucking idiots.

Well,

I mean, back then it wasn't as popular.

You didn't know it was.

Well, they thought it was impossible.

Yeah.

Who would come?

I'm telling you, four lanes, both sides, automobiles, there's no way anyone's ever going to have to slow down.

There just ain't enough goddamn cars in the world.

Right after I moved here, they said they were building a new lane on the 101 freeway in Hollywood.

And I was like, it took took them five years.

And I'm like, what do they think is going to happen at the end?

It's like buying, making a pair of pants for a two-year-old and then they're seven now because they go, do they think people are going, oh my God, I forgot about the new lane.

They got little toddler pants and they're all these adults.

But if this is true, this breaks my heart because Disney, Walt Disney was a visionary.

And I think he wanted to put a monorail in the middle of all the freeways, above-ground monorail and potentially a monorail all the way to San Francisco.

Because were you ever as happy if you're a kid at Disneyland?

Welcome to the United, you know, to the Magic Kingdom.

Please exit on the right.

You will enter the plastic punishment room where you will be settled up and the score will be even

in the magic kingdom.

The plastic punish room always loves you best.

Well, that robotic voice they use

to take you on and off the monorail sounds slightly, slightly.

Explosions will not be tolerated.

Please, when the monorail stops, exit to the right and enter the place where people don't want to go.

The place where people want to go is the Magic Kingdom's favorite kingdom.

Exit right and then take a left to the plastic punishment room.

Well, all secrets remain secrets.

Last time I went to

best I can do right now.

Last time I went to Disneyland, I got on one of those trams that parked in the wrong spot.

So they're like, it's over yonder.

I go, they're like, see that little bubble?

I'm like, that's where I'm going.

This is where I parked, and that's where I'm going.

It's another mile or so.

So I get on a tram and it's like,

but everyone in the tram was trying to help me, you know.

So like, I'll walk with you.

I'll show you where it is.

I'll walk with you.

Paul and I, on a Saturday morning, a couple of years ago, we just said we were in West Hollywood.

We go, fuck it.

We have nothing to do.

Let's just start.

Let's start driving to Disneyland.

Whoa.

So we didn't, you know, so we went in there and they go, well, the park is full.

Disneyland's full on a fucking set.

But if you buy a ticket

for California Adventure Land,

you can then go into Disneyland.

So it was like $1,300 each.

We stayed for 90 minutes.

God dang.

We did Pirates Care BN.

Any ride?

So you did something good.

We did one ride and then we just walked around.

Just still love it, though.

It's all right.

Spend the money.

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Okay, next just next story.

Oh, this one, you have to sit here and take it in.

You can start it.

Just interesting to me, not to you.

Well, no, I'm just trying to figure out what I'm looking at.

In an one anhill.

They go, how big is it?

Brush this here, brush that there.

And what are they looking for?

They go, there's a big anhill on the farm, so they're pouring cement to go, how far does it go?

Oh, how far

like where do the ants, where are the ants going?

With the help of mechanical diggers, the scientists

remove tons of genius at last,

they begin to see the structure of the city-state

slow pushing.

I don't love the screenshot,

yeah.

Answer

the lost city of Atlantis.

Yeah,

subterranean highways connecting the It's so smart.

And off the main routes are side roads.

Does this guy even work there?

What are we supposed to make of this?

I mean, are they smarter than us?

Yeah, really?

What if they are aliens?

They can be this big if they're aliens.

It doesn't mean they're big.

Here's the launch pad that they use to launch into outer space.

Here's just a regular ball sack.

Everything looks like it has been designed by an architect.

I mean, look how smart it is.

But of course, that isn't true.

And tidy.

This colossal and complex city was created by the collective will of the ant colony.

Yes.

The super organisms.

Moving together as a team.

Yeah, that's enough.

But it's great.

And I don't want to sound racist, but I do think a lot of ants look the same.

You know what I mean?

Like, I can't tell them apart.

They're like,

that is racist.

Okay.

But

up here on the farm, which I find kind of creepy science fiction-y,

we can get ant F infestations.

Do you have bitter ants,

the red ones?

Well, they're probably around too.

We got all kinds of ants, but what you do is you have this thing, and there's it's dipped in cotton, and they eat it and they try to bring it back to the queen.

So, you've seen thousands of ants, but somewhere there's a queen, you know, the size of a NBA basketball Bring me cotton balls.

Yes, but they bring it as a sacrifice, and then the queen gets poisoned.

And then the ants all die.

They have nothing, nowhere to go if they have no queen.

So you kill the queen, kill the hive.

That's where ants are dumb because when the queen dies, they go, what do we do?

Well, the soldier ants, you know, complain a lot.

Why am I a soldier ant?

All I do is bust my ass all day.

Get in formation, soldier ants.

Better not get unionized.

That's the end of it.

But I would say

there's probably more stuff just on Earth that's weirder than anything we could find in outer space.

So, how about this?

At the core of the Earth, the magma level is that what it's called?

It's you know, 6,000 degrees.

Why is the bottom of the ocean so cold?

Go ahead, Dana.

Well, I don't know, but I like those shows that 25 miles beneath the surface of the ocean live the Manu oaknoids.

These measure one millimeter wide and temperatures below 300 degrees Fahrenheit, they thrive in this dark, frozen wasteland.

Here's an arknot now.

Let's put a let's put a flashlight on.

They've never seen a fucking flashlight.

Let's scare the shit out of them.

They're like,

Here's an arknot being born.

Here's the rest of the Arknard's life.

Here it is, passing away.

They don't do much.

Like, what is the point?

They go like this, mew, mew, and then the light goes on them.

They go,

and then they go back to their life.

When they're first born, they're really surprised by how fucking freezing.

They're like, I can't wait till summer.

They're like, I got some bad news.

There's no summer.

But I don't know.

The light,

Look at the sorry sky.

The bottom of the ocean is nuts.

And I don't know why, if it's molten hot, it doesn't warm up down there.

Thank you.

Okay.

Can we get some scientists on?

We should get somebody interesting on for once instead of you.

So ants are questions.

No, I know I'm not interesting.

I go to the scientist.

Hey, can you ant sir my question

about the ant farm?

Hey, look at this.

Do I have a hive?

All right, one more.

And then I, Dana, I have got to get out of here.

You've always, you're going on the road, right?

I don't know.

Parents leave 10-year-old alone at airport over expired passport and board flight for vacation.

Either I don't understand what I'm...

Well, that can't be true.

Roll the tape.

The parents

told authorities.

A relative would come collect the child.

That means they're in another country.

No one says that here.

Authorities remove the couple from the plane.

We're going to fly now, Tammy.

Just stay here and Uncle Slocknock will come by.

Yeah, here's a couple numbers I scribbled down.

Try them from the payphone, and I'm sure you'll connect with them.

You know who's going to pick her up?

Seriously?

Macaulay Culkin.

I'm walking.

I'm talking.

Macaulay Culkin.

Home alone, remember?

Right, but would he be helping her come to the house to wait for their both of them?

I don't know.

I think he'd just make sure she was okay at the airport.

I don't know if you've thought this out.

Or Kiernan Colkin.

One of the Colkin boys would take.

I like those guys.

Kiernan.

I knew him when he was eight years old.

We hung out a lot, me and the Colkin boys at SEO.

He did, oh, when he had honeosis?

Yeah.

And their dad was,

you know,

a familiar terrorist

that way.

Dickwad Jones.

No, I don't.

Oh, he reminded me of your dad.

Yeah, a little bit of a hurting cowboy.

Yeah.

You know, a little bit of when Macaulay Calkin was.

Sorry to interrupt your

pain.

Go ahead.

No,

that was fine.

That was a good little job.

Okay.

So Macaulay's lost.

We lose him on SNL.

And then everyone's like, where is he?

Where is he?

And then you see Lauren in an acting debut

running down the hollow.

He goes, Macaulay.

Macaulay.

Where's Macaulay?

I remember.

One more.

With energy.

Do it right.

I think you're joking.

You need to go.

Macaulay, Macaulay.

No, and then I remember he hugged

Macaulay and then he patted his back.

I'm like, really, like, sort of overwhelmed right now.

You could see how emotional I am.

Cut, Lauren, that's not your line.

I know, but I wanted

Macaulay, do you understand why we're going to pay you in Mike and Ike's, not money?

Give Lauren credit that he created this comic persona around himself of the unflappable erotic guy.

He did a really funny thing when Martin Short was hosting and he's running around singing, I haven't done Martin Short stuff, hysterical.

And he comes around

and

he gets he sees jimmy fallon and then they kind of do a fake kiss or something you know like he's so excited and then he kind of turns to lauren like that and the way the way lauren just went

the way the way he just turned away with no was that on the 50th no that was on just martin shorts was he was lauren just saying like it was too big and broad for him yeah he just went he just went like this just

no one's going to touch me basically but it was such a perfect move oh like he's gonna kiss him next yeah so he's uh

he has a very funny

i'm not in this bit sometimes you write lauren in a bit and then they go yeah lauren's not in it anymore i go

why not they go he's not in it what happened was it

you make him look stupid or something and he goes i won't be doing that Well, I think he knows who that the character of Lauren Michaels is on the show.

It's not what I'm what.

I'm going to be unflappable.

I'm going to be low-key.

I'm going to be erudite.

And it's that thing of like being unflappable in a place that's very flappable.

You're the unflappable one.

Dude, I just yawned.

I can't wait to hear it.

Go, keep going.

I just yawn, and people go in the comments.

Why'd you yawn?

Are you tired?

I'm like,

I guess.

Okay.

I'll be there in a minute, honey.

I'm just putting comments on fly on the wall.

I'll be there in a minute.

I got to log in.

Hey, Dana, do you own anything else besides a jean jacket and a black t-shirt?

And then he goes, send.

Honey, let me just wait for a couple of thumbs up.

Honey, I'll be right back.

I'm just leaving comments for now of David Spade.

Hey, Spade.

Did you sleep on your face again?

Yeah.

Hey, Spade.

You're really walking through this one.

Sam,

you're Christopher Wackam.

Oh, rage bait bots?

They have bots that rage bait.

What does that mean?

I like the girl that rage baits and tells guys on dates.

How come you weren't an athlete in high school?

Did you ever want to be?

And they're like, I fucking was, dude.

So funny.

You say things to guys and it immediately makes them mad.

Makes them defensive.

Yeah, I'll do it next week.

Ooh, cliffhanger.

all right dana it was nice to hear about your wedding i'm glad you had a nice time went to the wedding did the thing all the events glad to be

glad here

levi jacket is okay safe

i don't know why i mean if people comment i'm just like you know all we in the early days we're switching shirts oh it's this day and get another put a hat on and then i just said i'll just be like Superman wears the same thing when he's Superman.

That's true.

Yeah.

Fantastic 422.

I'm not saying I'm Superman, but you know what I mean?

I have a uniform.

I like in Fantastic Four when the thing is trying to hit on a guy, a girl, and he goes, You've got me really bricked up.

That's funny.

I haven't seen that yet, but that's a funny thing.

It goes like this.

You got me bricked up.

It's very quietly settling on gross.

You're pointing at Superman.

I know.

Because I've been.

Yeah, he's dressed in the same thing.

His shoulders are unusually big, it looks like, from here.

Thank you.

Oh.

Oh, you're talking about Superman?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I got that wrong.

Oh.

Did you have your shoulders removed?

I'll tell you what.

Shoulders

you want to shrink down.

I'm fighting back with push-ups, man, but it's hard.

Yeah, shoulders want to get strong.

You're waiting.

Well, is 30 push-ups strong?

I don't know.

Oh, yeah.

I've been 30 since high school.

All right, I'm going to go.

All right, do your thing.

Stay on, though, Dana, because I want to talk to you.

I really enjoyed this episode.

I really enjoyed it.

Next time, let's do it at my house.

We had a lot of fun.

I got lemonade.

Okay.

I'll come down anytime.

Bye, guys.

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Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey, an executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Maddie Sprung-Kaiser, and Leah Reese-Dennis of Odyssey.

Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman, and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet Tech.

Booking by Cultivated Entertainment.

Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Maura Curran, Melissa Wester, Hilary Schuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor, Sean Cherry, Kurt Courtney, and Lauren Vieira.

Reach out with us any questions to be asked and answered on the show.

You can email us at flyonthewall at odyssey.com.

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