Diddy Trial; AI Aniston; Poop Knife

Speaker 1 All right, cold mornings, holiday plans, endless to-do lists. I just want my wardrobe to be simple, Dana.
I just want pieces that look sharp, feel amazing. Makes sense, and I'll use every day.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? That's Quince. That's it.
The best part.

Speaker 1 Their pieces

Speaker 1 make effortless gifts.

Speaker 2 Also,

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It's nutty comfortable, all without the high-end price tag.

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Speaker 2 I've been living in their cashmere sweaters lately. They hold up beautifully even through holiday chaos.
And Quince isn't just clothes. They've got amazing options for home, bath, kitchen, and travel.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. I picked up a few for myself and a few to gift, and it's all stuff people actually love.

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Speaker 2 Quince.com/slash fly. Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 3 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 2 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht and the boxes keep

Speaker 2 coming.

Speaker 3 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 1 So Dana's got a banana, and I guess everyone, I don't know if everyone heard about this, but look at that. That's what he's starting with.

Speaker 1 Is it super professional? I don't know.

Speaker 1 He's still eating.

Speaker 1 He goes, The podcast is starting. I'll start eating right now.

Speaker 1 Okay, don't have to make it so sick,

Speaker 1 you drink water with a banana. I don't know.

Speaker 1 I think you're supposed to drink Diet Coke.

Speaker 1 We did start, but we're letting him go.

Speaker 2 All right, let's start recording.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 we started.

Speaker 1 You were regurgitating your banana.

Speaker 1 Good job. So you got your potassium levels up?

Speaker 2 I feel kind of amped up right now. You know, that this is a fun fact for you, because I know you're a cinephile.

Speaker 2 uh film buff yeah uh stallone wanted to lower his iq when he played rocky So he said he made sure he got really low on potassium. He wouldn't eat any bananas.
And he felt that that would make him

Speaker 2 do my

Speaker 2 slide. Could you have half a banana and raise that IQ?

Speaker 1 Get him a banana.

Speaker 1 This is his whole take.

Speaker 2 This is take one when he goes,

Speaker 2 Andrew, I was

Speaker 2 cut. We can't understand a word you're saying.
Yeah, we can't get

Speaker 2 a word.

Speaker 2 Was my hat crooked?

Speaker 1 No, it's not the hat. We didn't have a turtle named fucking Dumpling or something.

Speaker 2 What was the turtle name? Butkiss?

Speaker 2 Yes. That's a fan question.
Butkiss?

Speaker 1 I dumpling I made up, but Butkiss, you found it.

Speaker 2 No, you eat a dumpling.

Speaker 2 Butkiss is a turtle. And don't matter around my turtle.
But

Speaker 2 I want an Oscar.

Speaker 1 What was the dog's name on the Brady Bunch?

Speaker 2 The dog's uh

Speaker 2 buster.

Speaker 1 Nope, Jan. Anyway, let's move on.
That's the roughest joke.

Speaker 2 Are we gonna get canceled this soon into the podcast?

Speaker 1 Are we gonna get janceled?

Speaker 1 We shouldn't even go on. We just gave all their monies worth of jokes right there.
Now it's just

Speaker 2 real name. We went to the 70s.

Speaker 2 We went to the 70s.

Speaker 1 God, Heather just tried to trip me up and she fell.

Speaker 2 Heather's a chatterbox today.

Speaker 1 Yeah, she yelled out, what's Jan's real name?

Speaker 2 No, I didn't.

Speaker 1 Tiger. Thank you.
Oh, dog's name is Tiger.

Speaker 2 How many in the Brady Bunch? How many kids?

Speaker 1 Dana, this is an amateur hour. This isn't round one of who wants to win a millionaire.
There's not eight.

Speaker 2 Dana, You don't know.

Speaker 1 Do you ever see the Brady Punch?

Speaker 2 It wasn't, I was on my radar. I was more,

Speaker 2 what was I watching? MASH, a TV show, sitcoms. I'd be watching All in the Family.

Speaker 2 Edith stifling.

Speaker 5 Oh, are you?

Speaker 2 I don't know what you're talking about.

Speaker 1 What about Sandler's old joke about Axel Rose

Speaker 1 turning into Edith?

Speaker 2 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Archie.

Speaker 2 I like that. That's

Speaker 2 it.

Speaker 2 A lot better.

Speaker 2 Archie.

Speaker 2 What are you doing?

Speaker 2 Boy, you wiggling Millerplane. I don't like people of color.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You choose that stuff.

Speaker 2 You stifle yourself. That was it.

Speaker 1 He was like, Tony. Edith, stifle yourself, eat it stifle yourself all right we got to get right to this dana we can't let's start yeah we're starting with some stories and some news

Speaker 1 ai fake stories

Speaker 1 okay here's

Speaker 1 this is not a dishwasher commercial this is well i guess we're giving away a little bit of the uh ending but red panda who dana you know You know, when there's halftime or at the quarter, they have people come and entertain the children.

Speaker 2 Tromosiaks and jugglers, and they they do scary stuff. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, she's one of the best. She gets on a, I guess, an eight-foot unicycle and

Speaker 1 juggles plates on her head. I mean, that's the easiest way to say it.

Speaker 2 Oh, I see.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 1 so here she is.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I could do that part. So far, I can do it.

Speaker 2 I can do it. We've shown this clip.

Speaker 1 Oh, she fell?

Speaker 1 She fell that fast? That's not the hard part.

Speaker 2 She didn't have plates on her head.

Speaker 1 I mean, the plates feel like the hard part. Are those paper plates? Are they real plates?

Speaker 1 Well, I would start with paper plates.

Speaker 2 Well, I feel, I'm feeling a little sad for her right now because she seemed really on point and just

Speaker 2 ready to rock. And I can't really, I can't.
Can we see it one more time? That's called a non-playing injury.

Speaker 1 What is it called?

Speaker 2 Okay, she's in control. In control, in control.
She does it back and forth.

Speaker 1 Back and forth.

Speaker 2 Hello. I'm Red Penn.
And tonight's shawl.

Speaker 2 You know what?

Speaker 1 Ow, right in her tailbone?

Speaker 2 I think she's she's okay, right? So we broke a risk.

Speaker 2 There was a moment, but she's all right. That's all.
A moment where she's up there and she's just looking out, right?

Speaker 2 And then you see she looks down and goes, what the fuck am I doing up here? And then down. So never look down, David.

Speaker 1 Yeah, maybe she saw somebody in the audience that was famous, you know?

Speaker 1 Maybe not.

Speaker 2 Who's famous at a Lakers game? Everybody. it wasn't a lakers game that's off season now oh i think it was a different game i saw

Speaker 1 but minnesota maybe but she uh so you got your eight-foot unicycle which you're very used to she's just doing the old back and forth which when i rode a unicycle that's what i start my show with a little like zip zip zip zip just i've seen it i've seen it seen it a million times and then um

Speaker 1 and then she's still got to go to the dishwasher get all the plates to throw so i thought it was mid plates because that's the hard part she throws plates

Speaker 1 and then the bowl lands on the bowl geez was plates flying all over the place yeah this part wasn't the hard part is what i'm getting at so you know bless her heart and everyone was like giving her like applause for yeah getting up and being wheelchair off because she is like a legendary performer for these games

Speaker 2 You know, you start out, you're probably just a little girl. You ride a bike with two wheels and then your dad makes a one bike unicycle.

Speaker 2 You do that, but it's kind of low, and you're going through grade school and stuff.

Speaker 2 And then eventually, like when you're like 18 or something, you put one bowl on your head, you do that for an afternoon.

Speaker 2 And next thing you know, I mean, I guess you had like she'd have like 25 plates on the unicycle, and then she'd juggle and eat an apple at the same time. How far did it go?

Speaker 1 It's all those things where you're like, How did that start? Where you put the dog's dish on your head, you go, Hey, that didn't fall off. Let me put two, and you go, Maybe this is my calling.

Speaker 1 But I think she makes a pretty tidy living.

Speaker 2 She's famous, yeah. Let me ask you a question.
Please.

Speaker 2 In the stand-up world in the early days, did you ever follow a juggler?

Speaker 1 Ron Perlman, is that his name? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, a couple.

Speaker 1 You know, at the Comedy Magic Club, you would always follow a magician, which is tough too. But jugglers.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're good. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Did you? I followed Michael Davis, who became famous.

Speaker 2 And he was, he, I came up and standout with him, a friend of mine, and he, we were playing Chico, and he would literally escalate to the point where he'd have an apple, a bowling ball, and a moving chainsaw.

Speaker 2 And he'd fall like this and eating the apple.

Speaker 2 You know, and he doesn't.

Speaker 1 Eat the machete. He doesn't want to eat.

Speaker 2 Doesn't eat the machete. Yeah, just going around.
So it's unbelievable. The whole crowd is stunned and massive standing ovation.
And I'm not on TV or anything. Welcome.
Here is Dana Glarco.

Speaker 2 I'm like, hi, everybody. That was tough to follow.

Speaker 1 That hi, I'm from San Francisco. Well, San Francisco area.

Speaker 2 Why am I talking like that? I was just kind of

Speaker 2 kind of like Garth. Hi, everybody.
I can't juggle anything, but right now I'm going to eat an apple. I'm good too, right?

Speaker 1 But I put my hand in my pocket and play pocket pool sometimes.

Speaker 2 And my wiener.

Speaker 2 Yep. Oh, now you're happy.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let me see. It took us nine minutes.
We got to.

Speaker 2 We got to. Next clip.

Speaker 1 Clippy.

Speaker 1 Pocket pool is the greatest term no one uses anymore. Okay.
Oh, this is sad.

Speaker 1 This is a guy that got scammed out of money by Jennifer Aniston, said she loved him and needed cash for her Apple subscriptions. That's what she needs it for.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 1 he should, a quick Google will say she's worth about $200 million.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 Do we see a picture of who believed it or is just a helmet on the bottom? It looks like a

Speaker 2 robot. Oh.
So

Speaker 1 what happened was. Oh, okay.
Now, listen, I know Jennifer a little bit, and she has hit me up. She said for money for angry birds because she wants more bird bombs.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, these aren't necessities. If you need money, I'll give you money, but it's not going to be for angry birds or Apple subscriptions.

Speaker 2 It's ridiculous. So did he, was this just in print or was there a digital copy, a copy of Jennifer for Anison? I think an AI,

Speaker 1 your favorite, Jennifer Anderson was like,

Speaker 1 hello, kind sir.

Speaker 1 Please send me money so I can get Apple news.

Speaker 1 Every time I click a story, it says you have to buy it. It's almost as bad as Daily Mail.

Speaker 2 Well, AI is better than that. You're back at the Marionette.
You're like in the 1930s. Hello.
I'm AI. I could be a digital copy right now.
Not going to say, but it's that good.

Speaker 1 Here's how good it is now.

Speaker 1 Hi, I'm Jennifer Aniston.

Speaker 1 It's got a few glitches. I played Rachel.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I would like money. I need money.
I'm Rachel.

Speaker 1 Please

Speaker 1 send me some shit.

Speaker 2 So much. Send me money, please.

Speaker 1 Oh, I forgot. I totally love you.

Speaker 1 but i have people that go please like and no joke dana on instagram or no joke i do have a facebook but the people that send in like hey

Speaker 1 you never showed up in spoken at like some restaurant we were supposed to meet at midnight on new year's eve and i sent you your plane fare i did everything right what happened i'm like why suddenly is the real guy getting it now complain to the fake guy.

Speaker 1 Like now, you must know I'm the real guy because then you come to me. Is this really you on the other one saying,

Speaker 1 because I've been giving you money. I'm like, now you ask?

Speaker 1 You should have asked early on. And I say in my bio, which is boring, this is the only one I have.
It's real. The other ones are fake, but people still get scammed.
I don't know what's going on.

Speaker 2 It's only going to get worse. I mean, for sure.

Speaker 2 Amazon has more AI, like people working in their factory, a million of them. You know, carts that are intelligent.
They have a million of them, more than employees.

Speaker 2 Eventually, if you and I go out to dinner in a given time, I'll have to really say, is this you or an AI robot? And you will say,

Speaker 2 yes.

Speaker 2 Why are you Yoda?

Speaker 1 Because he's like a little robot.

Speaker 2 It's me. Can't you tell? Wait a minute.
The voice is off.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's try. I do.
God, I used to be able to do Yoda.

Speaker 2 I can't do it anymore.

Speaker 2 There's no try. Only do.
First comes pain, then comes suffering, then comes party time.

Speaker 1 Yoda told me, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage. I go, you're just reading like an old joke book.

Speaker 2 First comes David and Susie sitting in a tree.

Speaker 2 K-I-S-S-I-S.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 Yoda said quickly,

Speaker 1 diarrhea. People think it's funny, but it's really hot and runny.

Speaker 2 That's not.

Speaker 1 I mean, who says that? What people? By the way, there was a lot of YouTube comments that thought your plant was fake behind you.

Speaker 2 That's crazy. Why would anyone?

Speaker 1 That's not AI. That's real.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's so real. Look, it gives it a few flicks.
Look at that.

Speaker 1 Okay, okay. That's too much proof.
Too much proof.

Speaker 2 From jungles and womb it comes. Oh.

Speaker 1 Uh-oh.

Speaker 2 uh-oh sounded like scooby oh boy oh boy puff daddy puff daddy puff daddy scoob got away with most of the things but he still says they were he was what was it transporting a prostitute we better go scoob zoinks he says zoinks sometimes scooby yeah

Speaker 1 he goes uh shaggy goes 50 cent calls him the gay john gotta that's what he calls him

Speaker 1 50 Cents been all over him the whole trial on Instagram, just busting his falls.

Speaker 1 It's amazing. Heather falls.
It's amazing.

Speaker 2 Why 50 Cent?

Speaker 1 I think he doesn't like him, so he just trashes him.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hilarious.

Speaker 2 I just know it's so good.

Speaker 1 It sounds funny. It sounds funny, but the trial, we don't really know where it's at.
We just heard that

Speaker 1 he's not getting bail. Is that what you heard?

Speaker 2 I don't.

Speaker 2 I hope he's contrite and learns his lesson but he sent me an email from prison inviting me to a freak off in about a month so i'm not sure he's learned his lesson if unless it says g-rated freak off i'm not going but i think if you get a freak off now and i've said this and everyone's quoted me if you go

Speaker 1 male or female to a freak off because he's going to have another if he gets out he'll probably have one and then you know what you're getting so there's no arguing there's no suing it's like hey, I know what I'm signing up for.

Speaker 1 We all know what they are now.

Speaker 1 So if you go,

Speaker 1 might be some water sports.

Speaker 2 Stay away from the freak off. That's all I can say.
Stay away. Just go to a nice cocktail party, casual dress, hors d'oeuvre serve.

Speaker 1 Or go to like a nice normal daytime freak off. Don't go to these nights.

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Speaker 4 Hey, everybody, it's me, Bill Maher. If you're not watching or at least listening to Club Random, you're really missing something good and something unique.

Speaker 4 Because I don't think we look or sound like any other podcast. And that's by design.

Speaker 4 My life's quest has been to do some kind of show that captured the level of intimacy and the lack of artifice you would see if you saw me off camera talking to a friend.

Speaker 4 No one else in the room, plenty of pot and booze, and nothing planned. This is a show where I get high talking to someone I'm interested in to get to know and to laugh with.
It's not an interview.

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Speaker 1 You know, when it gets colder, I always fall in the same trap. Heavy meals, too much takeout.
And suddenly I'm like, Why do my jeans hate me?

Speaker 2 I know. Yeah, me too.
I mean, I'll open the fridge in December and it's like half a pizza and an orange from 1997. Not a lot of healthy options, David.
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I'd rather spend 30 minutes working on a bit for my hilarious act than 30 minutes staring into my oven going,

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Your future self will thank you.

Speaker 2 Yes. Thank you for not feeding me the leftover lasagna for the 12th time.

Speaker 1 Okay, what else? Next story. Let's see what's going on.
I have all the answers, Dana. Obviously, you hear all the answers.

Speaker 2 You kind of do.

Speaker 2 This man swiped right 2 million times on Tinder in five years and could only get one date. Oh, what a bummer.
Oh, man.

Speaker 1 Well, he seems like a normal enough dude.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what was his problem? Was he swiping with his ass? I mean, what?

Speaker 1 It looks like Burt Chrysler. It looks like every guy at the airport I saw last week.
I mean, there's nothing wrong with this dude. And he seems like, and he's a nice dude.
He'll take you on a date.

Speaker 1 I'm really pulling for this guy.

Speaker 2 He likes the way.

Speaker 2 Kevin Nealon is happily married. I don't even know why he's doing this.

Speaker 1 Does that look like Nealon?

Speaker 2 That's the funny part.

Speaker 1 That's funny. Oh, it's not even about this guy.
It's about Nealon.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And so this man, first of all, I don't like that he's counting every time he swipes. I mean,

Speaker 1 does he do it with the sticks for four and then the line?

Speaker 2 Well, how long does it take to swipe 2 million?

Speaker 1 I mean, I've seen videos where people just go like this, yes, yes, yes, yes, on everyone and just see.

Speaker 1 I mean, that's not the way you're supposed to do it. The first comment says, you missed two million of the shots you don't take.

Speaker 2 That's Gretzky saying that.

Speaker 1 Gretzky commented that.

Speaker 2 So I've never been on Tinder. So you're swiping your picture shown to someone and then they either invite you.

Speaker 1 You say yes or no. So one way is yes.
I don't know which way, but one way is yes.

Speaker 1 But the other comment was.

Speaker 1 If I had a dollar for every girl that didn't think I was attractive, they would now find me attractive because because he'd be rich.

Speaker 1 That's a thinker, Dana.

Speaker 2 A lot of these comments. I just feel sorry for the younger generation.
I think that the opportunity en masse online and with these dating sites to get wounded and feel bad is quantum.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And when you're, it's very rare I'll see a guy in a bar just walk up to a table full.
Hey, gals, walk up to a table full of girls. How are you gals doing? They're like, huh?

Speaker 1 Wait, I just want to say hi, buy a drink, hang out. Can I grab a chair, scooch in? Those days aren't over, but they're diminishing, don't you think, Heather?

Speaker 6 100% until this

Speaker 6 last couple seasons of Love Island, and guys are now going up to girls in bars and saying,

Speaker 1 can I steal you? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 6 And it's working.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, because even the bachelor, when they walk up, go, can I steal you?

Speaker 1 And now they say, can I pull you for a chat? Which is basically everything's based on Love Island right now. So

Speaker 1 Love Island, and I've seen those videos where they say it, but it's really tough to just talk in real life. And it's easier to get rejected,

Speaker 1 you know, through texting or Instagram DM or something. So, because there's no witnesses and they don't have the whole bargo, you were hitting on her and she shot you down.

Speaker 1 So that's kind of where the world's at.

Speaker 2 When I was probably 19 or 20, pre-stand-up, you know, I just went to like a place where people would dance or something in music, you know,

Speaker 2 and was so terrified and finally got the courage to ask someone to dance. And they're like, no.

Speaker 1 I know. And you're like screaming jokes in a bar and it's not working.
You're like, here's Dana.

Speaker 1 If Dana was single, here's what he would be today. You walk up to a girl.
She's playing pinball or whatever you do in a bar. And you go, he goes, hi,

Speaker 1 I'm Dana. Are you on TV? And she goes, no.
And you go, oh, wait, that's me. Hi, I'm Dana.
Anyway, what's the high score?

Speaker 2 This would be you at a singles bar now.

Speaker 2 Hi, how are you? I'm David Spade.

Speaker 2 I know Dana Carvey. Oh,

Speaker 1 they light up. They light up.

Speaker 1 I try all these lines, nothing. Then I go, I guess I'm going to leave.
I got to go meet Dana. Dana Carvey?

Speaker 2 You mean Garth? I'd get more. Yeah.

Speaker 4 I start to leave.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? They go.

Speaker 1 The bitch? And I go, the church lady? You know about that?

Speaker 2 The bitch. You didn't know about it.

Speaker 2 I literally did.

Speaker 1 Where are you going? Why are you leaving? I'm like, oh, that's FaceTime Dana.

Speaker 2 But for a second, like that guy, if it's real, it seems like.

Speaker 2 What would be David's makeover to him?

Speaker 2 Because if that's his picture,

Speaker 1 oh, for me,

Speaker 2 don't women like bad boys, even if you're not a bad boy, try to get a picture where you look a little badass?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't know if they like trout boys, guys that are always fishing, showing their fishes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like a fisherman's bucket hat, and he's by the sea.

Speaker 1 It's a lot of me and my fish, and the girl's like, I mean, great, but that's not really. I'll go to I'm going to try that with my wife.

Speaker 2 Hey, could I steal you?

Speaker 1 Can I steal you for a second? She goes, yes, it's only me and you in the house. You're like, can I steal you and talk to you outside for a second in private?

Speaker 2 I hate that.

Speaker 2 Hey, do you want the rest of my banana?

Speaker 1 That's a good line. You go, hey, do you want the rest of this banana?

Speaker 1 I was actually on a date and

Speaker 1 this happened twice. And I had.
ordered something and then I didn't eat a lot of it. And she was like, it looks good.
And I go, oh, do you want the rest of it? Because I was done.

Speaker 1 She goes, I don't want the rest of anything, I'll get a new one.

Speaker 2 She's a keeper, man. I was like,

Speaker 1 You're not a keeper, you're a loser.

Speaker 2 I'm gonna lose you right now.

Speaker 1 Anyway, go ahead. You're back to your banana because I'm boring you.

Speaker 2 Look, I zoned out about six minutes ago. I know what we're talking about.
Love Island.

Speaker 1 You were like, This

Speaker 2 never seen it, lived it.

Speaker 1 It's okay. Let's hear another story.

Speaker 1 Audience is not bored. Oh, this woman is sitting there in like a Laura Ingalls Wilder dress with pants on under it, I think.

Speaker 1 My family of six shares a poop knife. Interesting.
What's a poof knife?

Speaker 1 Let's find out.

Speaker 2 Poop knife. A poop knife.

Speaker 2 This is the one that we have. We keep it in our vinegar bucket.
Vinegar bucket.

Speaker 2 If you don't know what a Zyla,

Speaker 2 is, this is what you like with instead of toilet paper.

Speaker 2 The wetness is from soaking into vinegar. Hey, I see it.

Speaker 2 You can't unsee it.

Speaker 1 How sharp is this crocodile done?

Speaker 2 What's the cool about using vinegar is that it doesn't roast. We also have something extra.
Don't put your fingers in the water.

Speaker 2 We have a sponge.

Speaker 2 Good cutaways. It just works.
I know. Cutaways sell it.

Speaker 2 Yeah. That's our number one xylospongium.

Speaker 2 get the voice our number two xylo spongium this one's a little bigger and it has handle it is

Speaker 1 okay

Speaker 1 um i'm instantly sick i'm instantly sick heather said you know

Speaker 1 just the idea of a poop knife is fine i don't need to see how sharp it is how it soaks in vinegar and how you sticks her hand in the water

Speaker 1 How big are your shits when you need a sharpened buck knife?

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 here's my question was the woman

Speaker 2 doing all the shoes knife all the stuff was she doing it as a comic bit i mean i don't know she looks she's got the play she's playing it very real yeah very straight

Speaker 1 yeah and that makes it funny but i just wonder if you know i don't know it feels like it's real the poop knife and uh

Speaker 1 She either does know it's embarrassing and it's funny or she doesn't. But whoever maybe took that video and added in the reactions was funny.

Speaker 2 The cat got a little bit. Although, especially the first one, they had a female doll.

Speaker 4 It was a Barbie doll going.

Speaker 2 A horror film or something.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Got a laugh out of Heather for sure.
But, you know, so just maybe poop knives should be our merch, but that's not for sure. But we haven't decided yet.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Slice in the new poop knife. Slice and dice.
All new poopy knife. Take a piece of poo and slice and dice.
It's just that easy.

Speaker 1 Are your poops too long and unruly?

Speaker 1 I've never had a problem where they're like,

Speaker 1 this one's not going to make it. I need either like a smasher,

Speaker 1 like you do with potatoes, you know.

Speaker 2 Well, now I can bring in my very quick insert of my character, Red Rednecky, the red

Speaker 2 comedian. Two kind of scatological jokes.

Speaker 2 He's supposed to be the worst southern comic in in history yep very funny i'm red red necky the redneck comedian you ever fart so loud dog two stayed away go what that come and get some

Speaker 2 i'm red red necky the redneck comedian you you ever crack so big you don't know gonna get down that turlet come and get some that turlet i just he does have a good catchphrase come

Speaker 2 and get some is great it's positive you actually want to get through the joke so we can get to that i think it's all about the catchphrase i want to do that in a prosthetic thing and it doesn't look like me and i'm kind of a big guy and go on stage and do a hundred of those jokes in a row no we'll do it for one of our anniversary shows we'll make you get all into it i'm kind of into like just instead of stand-up like going out in characters now that's kind of going through my head listen stand-up is not hitting a saturation point, but when I'm on the road and they're like, Nikki Glazier is coming next week, and then here comes Segura, Theo three weeks later.

Speaker 1 And I think there's just not enough money to go around in some of these cities where these cities have a lot of rabid comedy fans that mean well and want to come out, but it's not the improv.

Speaker 1 I mean, when you come to theaters, you're paying a lot. And then there's a concert, you know, and then of a band.
And just to be entertained is,

Speaker 1 I'll admit, because I'm part of the problem or the solution,

Speaker 1 whatever it is, I'm one of these people people out there in the road, but it's got to be tough. So I appreciate when they come out because coming out to a show, you get a babysitter.

Speaker 1 It's just a lot of

Speaker 2 prize, the whole thing, you know, play

Speaker 2 Great Falls, Montana.

Speaker 2 You know, play where not everyone's going. Right.
But as far as stand-up, it's a person with a mic and it's taking an oath of laughs per minute.

Speaker 2 It just seems kind of fun to shake it up rather than the guy who's got his elbow on the mic. What's up, everybody?

Speaker 1 Is that my act?

Speaker 2 I masturbated in front of my cat today.

Speaker 1 That's my act.

Speaker 2 You don't do that joke, do you?

Speaker 1 I lean and that's what I start with.

Speaker 1 You're describing me exactly. Oh.

Speaker 2 Hey, what's up?

Speaker 2 I can't even do you know.

Speaker 1 Now I come out.

Speaker 1 I come out and I go.

Speaker 1 And then I wait for everyone to calm down from the thunderous applause.

Speaker 2 And then I've seen it.

Speaker 1 I've seen it. A lot of the people go,

Speaker 1 you don't have to say anything. We're just glad you're here.
We just like being with you in the room. We just want to just

Speaker 1 let it sink in.

Speaker 1 And then they go, do your act if you want, but we're fine. We already hit the price of admission from your first joke.
Now it's gravy.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you the sickness I have is what's your sickness? Well, it's crazy after

Speaker 2 how long I've done this. Yeah.
I'm still dancing for my donuts. I still, whether it's a corporate date a theater a comedy club only if it's like a 15 seater i take the oath i of i must kill yeah

Speaker 2 and yeah i was just trained because in my 20s you felt it was a dog eat dog you're the you're the mc you're the opener you're the middle and you have to always kill kill kill to get the headliner and then if you don't kill and the other guy kill you know so it's it's uh

Speaker 2 you're that's you know what i mean a the whole thing from the beginning.

Speaker 1 Everything's an audition. Every tiny club, someone saw you.
Hey, I saw him the other night. It was four people in the audience.
He did great. Great jokes.
Those, that travels around.

Speaker 1 So you have to always say, I have to try on this one, try on this one. And then you're a middle act, and you want to be so good that they say you should headline.

Speaker 1 And when you're a headliner, the middle acts are so good. You have to be better than them so they don't flip-flop you.
Exactly. And put you in the middle.

Speaker 1 And then when you get to these gigs where they're paying,

Speaker 1 no matter what they're paying, a little or a lot, you go, I have to kill. And even when I'm doing, I hate to say even, but corporate gigs are usually harder,

Speaker 1 but I always want to kill. It's the same thing.
I go over my notes, I go over this, I go, I don't want to just walk through it. You're like, got it, I got it.

Speaker 1 Now, if I don't, I don't, but I'm definitely take it seriously. Any of these gigs, got to take it.

Speaker 2 Sometimes you're serious. So that's why the only thing that's pure fun to me was I was telling Bobby Lee, the comedy store when it's packed and you've got eight comics up there feels like pressure.

Speaker 2 But if I go, so I would go to the Ha Ha Cafe sometimes and

Speaker 2 like Saturday at 7 p.m. in the valley and be like 20 people there.

Speaker 1 Sure.

Speaker 2 Just enough to get a reaction. But then you just have your notepad and you're just really trying stuff and you're making fun of it if it bombs.
That's very enjoyable to me.

Speaker 1 That's usually the fun part because it's very real. You're into it.

Speaker 2 And you don't have to get huge laughs. You can just try.
Try anything you want.

Speaker 1 Your buddy Bobby Lee is on this week on the show.

Speaker 2 Very sweet, funny guy with a great laugh.

Speaker 1 Hilarious. We had such a blast.
He'll be on in a couple of days.

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Speaker 2 Hey, David, when it comes to gifting, you know, I've learned there are two types of presents. Okay.

Speaker 2 The ones that get returned and the ones that instantly become a favorite. Do you agree?

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's Jenny Bird jewelry definitely falls in the second category.

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Speaker 2 Oh, well, isn't that special?

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Speaker 1 All right, next story, and then we're going to do some QA questions.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 You know what labo-boos are, Dana?

Speaker 2 Of course not.

Speaker 1 Laboo boo is another random dopey doll. It looks like a cabbage patch.
The doll maker becomes China's youngest top 10 billionaire. Wow, 22 billion in this year.
I'm sure it's just this year. He's 38.

Speaker 1 Why this laboo boo?

Speaker 1 I saw some like hanging monkey dolls I was going to post at the airport and they kind of look like this. Nobody cared.
No one gave a fat fuck. I'm like, they're like, we're hanging.

Speaker 1 We do more than laboo boo. We're actually a little cuter.
They're a little softer. Doesn't matter.
They like what they like.

Speaker 2 Well, first of all, this essentially looks to me like it's in that

Speaker 2 three to nine-year-old area, predominantly girls, probably.

Speaker 2 You wish.

Speaker 2 Have to have it? Or who's the audience for this?

Speaker 1 I think it goes up to adults.

Speaker 2 I hate to say, like, would Heather, would you want someone to give you that?

Speaker 1 I'll admit, I have fallen for stupid things like this before, but this is beyond my comprehension. And Dana, full-on influencers adults are like staying up online at night to get these things.

Speaker 6 And there's dupes going around called Lafoofus.

Speaker 1 Yeah, don't go, don't fall for the dupes, Dana.

Speaker 2 Well, back in the day, there was Pokeman cards.

Speaker 1 Sure.

Speaker 2 Goofy cards. And eventually it was a million dollars for a certain card.
So it's just, but that guy got 22 billion, and I've done pretty good in life.

Speaker 2 I just think people who are working regular jobs would just be annoyed by that. Yeah,

Speaker 1 I'm annoyed by them. I'm annoyed by how much I don't like the doll.

Speaker 2 I don't like the guy. I don't like the 22 billion.
I love the story. It was entertaining, but the rest of it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm with you because they just showed some

Speaker 1 NFT that sold for

Speaker 1 $60 million and it's worth under $100 now.

Speaker 2 Well, that whole phase of the functionables, yeah, NFT stuff,

Speaker 2 it was a gold rush and now you're literally they lost 60 million.

Speaker 1 That's one of the only things that I've said. I don't get it.
I don't want to get involved.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Didn't Justin Buber buy something like a picture of an ape smiling or something? Yeah.
For NFT?

Speaker 1 Everybody did. I mean, all those rich people did, and they all got fleeced.

Speaker 2 Damn, I hope Bitcoin is not one of those things.

Speaker 1 I know. They all got got rinsed.
My favorite words.

Speaker 1 Okay. So, what's the next one? And then we'll do a question.
One more story, then a question.

Speaker 1 One more story.

Speaker 2 Here we go. One more story.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 this is

Speaker 1 toe wrestling. Have you ever seen toe wrestling in a bar?

Speaker 2 Nope.

Speaker 1 They got to hook your toe like that.

Speaker 2 I wonder, oh, put powder on it.

Speaker 1 I wonder what the hard part is it your quads or is it your actual ankles got to be strong

Speaker 1 you can't beat a girl

Speaker 2 toe till destruction it's your whole lower chain i mean you need the leg knee calf especially god your knee calf could could rip yeah

Speaker 2 How do you win? Are you pushing?

Speaker 1 I don't know if I want to pull my pants up over my calves.

Speaker 2 Well, what if you just scooch forward and pull them off?

Speaker 1 Is that Stephen Greer?

Speaker 2 yes

Speaker 1 i don't like his third toe being the longest toe that guy

Speaker 2 sick yeah this is it's not aesthetically pleasing it's not that looks like a wiener how do you win oh you push him over the red line i think you either have to

Speaker 2 tap him into that wall That's kind of so you need to have just your ankle, ankle strength has to be really strong and your toes.

Speaker 1 Shoe muscle, ankle muscle, you're right. Not whole calves, but your knee,

Speaker 1 your quads.

Speaker 1 One guy's

Speaker 1 big toe is gnarled down like he chewed it. Some people chew their toenails.

Speaker 2 How can society top this? We've had arm wrestling. We've had the slap thing.
Now we have toe wrestling. What's next, David?

Speaker 1 I like slap fighting where it's an immediate CTE. It's just like,

Speaker 2 you go, oh my God.

Speaker 2 Oh my God. I do when you put them in opposite orthodontist chairs and call it dental work, and each one tries to pull a tooth of the other one first.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I could see if they said,

Speaker 1 we'll pay someone to just pull a good tooth, we just pull the tooth and we watch everyone watch you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, welcome to all new pull-a-tooth. I'm Rob Lowe.

Speaker 2 See who can pull the pain that

Speaker 1 All right. Well, let's take some questions.
We threatened to take questions from, we gave a website.

Speaker 1 What is it, Heather? Odyssey.

Speaker 2 We're branching out in our news, our new reboot. We'll see.

Speaker 1 If it goes well, we'll do more. We'll see if these questions are going to be a bit more.

Speaker 2 We want to interact with you. We want to know who you are.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so let's see. Are they audio or are they?

Speaker 7 Dante Carter here. I don't know if you guys remember me, but I was on the podcast over a year ago.
I did the Barack Obama Impression. I'm back in my car.

Speaker 7 So I'm going to pause pause again so david can make fun of me again for it

Speaker 7 oh david by the way i want to say thanks for featuring me back then because i was able to pick up some stand-up gigs off of that i'll then mail you your cut but i do have a question i just started a new podcast where i interview other entertainers while i'm on my way to and from my stand-up gigs and oh

Speaker 7 is that the logo how did that get there that's so embarrassing i'm sorry about that guys but i was wondering if you guys knew how to get better at guests and how to grow that page.

Speaker 7 I'm really working on growing it.

Speaker 7 And if you guys have any advice on how to grow that page, aside from getting on SNL and then making movies that make millions, because that's God had before me right now.

Speaker 7 But if you guys have any suggestions on getting better guests and how to reach out to those guests and how to grow the page, that would be really great.

Speaker 2 Thanks, guys. My first blink is go harder at the cowardly lion motif.
Like that, it is a definite cowardly lion from Wizard of Oz motif. And go at that.
Call yourself the lion, maybe.

Speaker 1 Or get with someone who looks like the Tin Man.

Speaker 1 Or get a Dorothy co-host.

Speaker 2 Well, Oz never did nothing for the Tin Man that he didn't already have. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I never got that. Who sang that? I never got that, but

Speaker 1 I get it now.

Speaker 2 The raspberries.

Speaker 2 It wasn't still.

Speaker 2 Bread or something.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I could think of it.

Speaker 1 Well, this gentleman,

Speaker 1 he does it in his car.

Speaker 1 I don't. Are you allowed to do it in your car like that?

Speaker 1 I don't think you're like, well, how he's gonna want to get guests in his car, like they would zoom in, and he's sit in the car or they're on the phone, like maybe if he did on speakerphone, maybe, because you know, in Arizona, there's a no-touch phone law as of July 1st.

Speaker 1 You can't even touch your phone if you're on a map or anything. So, just you can't have your phone.

Speaker 1 So, it would hurt his show,

Speaker 1 but I don't think he's in California. So,

Speaker 1 okay.

Speaker 1 I don't have great advice. It's hard, you know,

Speaker 1 I'd say get quirky guests. If you're not getting famous people, just get quirky weirdos because weirdos are funny, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Juggler. Geo started with weirdos and he, you know, you have like a snake wrangler and whoever.
Just somebody's got interesting.

Speaker 2 Someone in, if you're going to a club in some small town, you just talk to, you know, a guy in the street or a bartender or anything like that. I mean, think of Tom Green or something back in the day.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think that's right. Make it quirky and different, and then clip those things and throw them out all over the web.
But what was the name of it again?

Speaker 1 It's called

Speaker 1 it, it accidentally popped up, remember

Speaker 1 detour or something.

Speaker 1 Heather, you remember?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, well, then it just

Speaker 1 okay, on the road with Dante Carter,

Speaker 2 It has to just be like a travel log of meeting quirky people.

Speaker 2 Yeah. On the road.
And maybe

Speaker 1 they have sex in the back seat.

Speaker 1 Only if things are slowing down. Okay.
That's a possibility, like in OnlyFans. It all goes back to OnlyFans.

Speaker 1 That's where the money is, my God.

Speaker 1 Okay, next question.

Speaker 8 I'll read this second question, and the email is flyonthewall at odyssey.com. This is from Marie.
Hi, Dana and David. I love your show.
Here's a topic for Shaggy News.

Speaker 8 A military task force is sent to investigate the nuclear site in Iran. The team includes Scooby, Shaggy, Burt Lancaster, Kirk Douglas, Lorne Michaels, and Dennis Miller.

Speaker 2 Jesus.

Speaker 1 I guess I'll let you take this one, Dana. Take a sip and a bite of your banana.

Speaker 2 I still need Scoob in there.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Okay, I'll be there.

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 2 Who are the other three? Okay, I got you. Burt Lancaster, Dennis Miller, and Lorne Michaels.

Speaker 2 Well, gee, Scoob. I can't believe we're going back to Tehran.
We got to see if Mount Fordo can still make a bomb, right, Scoob?

Speaker 2 Let's ask Dennis Miller. What do you think, Dennis Miller?

Speaker 1 Mine isn't as thinky as yours. I don't have to do that much.

Speaker 2 For Christ's sake, Samane, I don't know how you can top three bunker busters. You know, that's almost 100,000 pounds of TNT going in there, right, Lauren?

Speaker 2 It's that thing of like the bunker buster does its job, but you still have have to make sure that it actually worked. Right, Burt Lancaster? Right.
I'm telling you, I think he took the mountain down.

Speaker 2 What do you think, Cook?

Speaker 2 I believe he destroyed the whole moon.

Speaker 2 I like mountains that are destroyed. Well, thanks, guys.
Thanks for being on Shaggy News. Close us out, Scoob.

Speaker 1 You did all the fun. I like that.
Was a news story. That was a news story.

Speaker 2 It wasn't Shaggy news.

Speaker 1 I did like that Shaggy just goes down the line.

Speaker 2 Over to you, Kirk.

Speaker 1 Well, you had all your reporters in there.

Speaker 1 Probably six of them.

Speaker 2 I could have done Tom Brokhaw, too. Here we are at Mount Ford.
What's it called? Mount Fordo? What, Fordo? I don't know.

Speaker 2 Here we are in Iran, where a mountain was blown to pieces by a bunker buster bomb. I'm Brokhaw and He ran.

Speaker 1 I had a bunker buster at Dairy Queen.

Speaker 2 Okay, that bunker buster last night when you're sitting on the totally.

Speaker 1 See, thank you. You can get there.
You're just as bad as me.

Speaker 2 Ah, yeah. I like the scaffold.

Speaker 1 Okay, should we do one more before we close out?

Speaker 1 Everyone's very informative.

Speaker 2 Everyone's learned.

Speaker 1 Okay, that's it for today, you guys. Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 we are wrapping. I hope you had a good 4th of July.

Speaker 2 And, um, yeah, yeah, I hope it was

Speaker 2 fourth-tastic.

Speaker 2 I hope it was,

Speaker 2 I hope you saw all the pistol peats, or what are they called? Pete's what cones peats.

Speaker 2 I hope you had a great firecracker weekend.

Speaker 1 May the July 4th be with you.

Speaker 2 Now, you tweeted on Monday after the 4th of July weekend, your words, not mine, that David Spade tweeted out this 4th of July weekend, quote, sucked. Your words, not mine.

Speaker 1 David. His fucking eyes.

Speaker 1 That's like ending with a home run.

Speaker 1 That guy is always home run.

Speaker 2 If we can get Senator John Kennedy on our show, he's always invited. Oh, maybe we should.

Speaker 1 Let's ask him for next week because he would come on and read a few.

Speaker 1 It's Vegas, Dallas. He has so many, and he's loaded up sometimes.
He's got them ready to go in there.

Speaker 2 Funny, oh man, him with P. Diddy would have been incredible.

Speaker 2 Now, you had 1,000

Speaker 2 bottles of baby oil in your house. Is that correct?

Speaker 1 How many can you go through in one day? I go through one in a decade.

Speaker 2 What was the purpose of a a thousand bottles of baby oil? You don't know? You just sort of had them. Is that your answer?

Speaker 1 Are you? Is that the story going to stick to it?

Speaker 1 Okay, that was great. Thank you, Dana.
I'll let you get back to your banana situation. And

Speaker 1 thanks for joining me on the show.

Speaker 2 Thank you. This has been the Dana Carvey Podcast.
My guest today has been David Spade

Speaker 2 from Joe Dirt

Speaker 2 and The Wrong Missy.

Speaker 1 All right. Okay, see you next week.

Speaker 1 Hey guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app, give us a review, five-star rating, and maybe even share an episode that you've loved with a friend.

Speaker 2 If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now.

Speaker 1 Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey, an executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Maddie Sprung-Kaiser, and Leah Reese-Dennis of Odyssey.

Speaker 2 Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman, and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet Tech.

Speaker 1 Booking by Cultivated Entertainment.

Speaker 2 Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Maura Curran, Melissa Wester, Hilary Schuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor, Sean Cherry, Kurt Courtney, and Lauren Vieira.

Speaker 1 Reach out with us any questions to be asked and answered on the show. You can email us at flyonthewall at odyssey.com.
That's audacy.com.