SUPERFLY #67 - Safe Houses & Soaking

Speaker 1 All right, cold mornings,

Speaker 1 holiday plans, endless to-do lists.

Speaker 1 I just want my wardrobe to be simple, Dana. I just want pieces that look sharp, feel amazing.
Makes sense, and I'll use every day. You know what I mean? That's Quince.
That's it. The best part.

Speaker 1 Their pieces

Speaker 1 make effortless gifts.

Speaker 2 Also,

Speaker 1 this season, Quince nails it. $50 Mongolian cashmere sweaters that feel like a treat every day.

Speaker 1 Wool coats that are both stylish and built to last. Their denim fits perfectly.
It's nutty comfortable, all without the high-end price tag.

Speaker 1 By working directly with ethical factories and top artisans, Quince delivers premium quality while cutting out the middlemen. So you get luxury without the luxury markup.

Speaker 2 I've been living in their cashmere sweaters lately. They hold up beautifully even through holiday chaos.
And Quince isn't just clothes. They've got amazing options for home, bath, kitchen, and travel.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. I picked up a few for myself and a few to gift, and it's all stuff people actually love.

Speaker 1 Give and get timeless holiday staples that last this season with Quince. Go to quince.com/slash fly for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.
Now available in Canada, too.

Speaker 1 That's q-u-in-ce-e.com slash fly. Free shipping, 365-day returns.

Speaker 2 quince.com slash fly.

Speaker 3 Ready to level up? Chumba Casino is your playbook to fun. It's free to play with no purchase necessary.

Speaker 3 Enjoy hundreds of online social games like Blackjack, Slots, and Solitaire anytime, anywhere, with fresh releases every week.

Speaker 3 Whether you're at home or on the go, let Chumba Casino bring the excitement to you. Plus, get free daily login bonuses and a free welcome bonus.
Join now for your chance to redeem some serious prizes.

Speaker 3 Play Chumba Casino today. No purchase necessary, VGW Group, Void War Prohibited by Law 21 Plus, TNCs apply.

Speaker 1 Happy conclave, Dana.

Speaker 2 Amen.

Speaker 2 Right as we're coming on to air, so-called so what,

Speaker 2 at this moment,

Speaker 2 they've selected a Pope and he's going to come out on the on the thing and the guy is making the audience wait. So first of all, we know he's a procrastinator.
Second of all,

Speaker 2 total rumor, total rumor that he wanted a bigger hat. Is there?

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 he had a bat. And he goes, is there a bigger hat?

Speaker 2 And bigger hat. Wow.

Speaker 1 I heard he was coming out because I heard, y'all ready for this?

Speaker 1 Y'all ready for this?

Speaker 2 And by the way, there is, there's different types of people from all over the world, African, Philippines that are in the running.

Speaker 2 So, you know, I put your name in just as kind of a joke, but I think you made it in the final 10.

Speaker 1 No, listen, I just heard them saying, is it going to be progressive, conservative? Or they said they're also looking for a bit of charisma.

Speaker 2 I was like, are they, though?

Speaker 1 I've never really seen a pope that really jumps off the page.

Speaker 2 I mean, what are they doing? It's a subtle definition. I think of charisma as the

Speaker 2 cigar.

Speaker 2 But it's great.

Speaker 2 As a mature adult,

Speaker 2 as a kid, I would judge pomp and circumstance. Look at this fucking joke, whether it's a country or flags or everything.
And now I kind of go, yeah, it's necessary.

Speaker 2 it is what it is everyone dresses up it's like the inaugural thing and you know it really is it looked like lady gaga in brazil she got 1.8 million people i know wasn't that wasn't half the crowd hated her which is weird that's a lot of hate i could tell you that a lot of them that were there for me for

Speaker 2 did you ever see the comedy team pomp and circumstance in vegas no it's not a real one is it yeah yeah pomp and circumstance they played the frontier hotel i think in the in the 60s

Speaker 1 i think they opened for Shields and Yarnell.

Speaker 2 Shields and Yarnell. Uh-oh.
Name drop alert. Woo, woo, woo.
Ghadije.

Speaker 1 That doesn't count. Sorry, judges, name drop.
No, it doesn't count.

Speaker 1 No, not enough people knew who they were.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 1 Shields and Yarnell did a robot.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 1 They were bombing with Donnie Marie. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Donnie and Marie. Yeah, Donnie, I noticed I was in Las Vegas.
City drop.

Speaker 2 I was in Vegas.

Speaker 2 and Donnie is going out without Marie

Speaker 2 thoughts

Speaker 1 Donnie and friends yeah that's a tough one because Donnie Marie was there that was a staple forever

Speaker 2 20 20 years four shows a day I don't know how anyone does it I mean Carrot Top every time he's at the he's at the he goes to the stratosphere every day and just thinks of jumping off

Speaker 2 just hangs out up there and just kidding I know Carrot Top

Speaker 1 now you know about Donnie Marie I don't know if you know this because a lot of people don't

Speaker 2 but she's a little bit country and he's a little bit rock and roll.

Speaker 2 That's I'm a little bit country.

Speaker 2 I'm a little bit rock and roll.

Speaker 2 That's their hit. I didn't even know they have another one.
Rogging, rock, and country. Okay, here's a name drop.

Speaker 2 And now we're just mentioning this every second. It's supposed to be a surprise.

Speaker 1 Sorry, but it's supposed to be a funny bit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, editing capability. It'll be funny.
I got a little excited.

Speaker 2 So I got signed to an NBC holding deal in 1980.

Speaker 2 i'll make this quick and one of the first jobs i got was to be a reoccurring regular on the marie osmond variety show so i that was my thing before snl actually gavin mclow was the guest host

Speaker 2 but anyway marie's on stage and i come out like i'm the janitor and i interrupt her This is a big TV studio. The audience is.

Speaker 1 This is what they brainstorm for you after seeing your act.

Speaker 2 This is a

Speaker 2 holding deal with NBC. Ridiculous.
But anyway, I said, hi, we're friends. We'd like to get a cup of coffee.
And Mormons don't drink coffee. So they have to shut tape, start again.

Speaker 2 Don't ever mention falters. And this time.
Oh, my God. Were you ad-libbing? I was ad-libbing, but I will say this.
She was absolutely adorable, delightful.

Speaker 2 The only thing that happened that a little weird, she did a duet with Jeff Conway from Taxi. God rest his soul.
But they stopped singing and then they kissed and kept holding the kiss.

Speaker 2 So all the Osmonds came from the, I didn't know there was 45 Osmonds coming up. I was going, Maria, Maria, Maria.
So that's my story about Maria Osmond.

Speaker 1 But if I remember that, I was watching and I was with my mom and I was a little kid. I'm like, they're kissing.
And then I go, now they're soaking.

Speaker 2 It was on tape and burping. It's probably on six months later.
I call bullshit on that. You did.
No, we were in the audience.

Speaker 1 And I go, why are they soaking? You know what that is, Dana? It's a I just

Speaker 1 look up later, and you're not going to like it.

Speaker 2 I know it's not good, I know it's no, it's

Speaker 2 naughty, and it's not nice.

Speaker 1 No, Dana, stay innocent. That's why I like you because you're innocent and sweet, and you don't know about soaking.

Speaker 2 I hate all these new things. We had stuff like that: the guys are spazz, or this and that, or they're

Speaker 2 getting down. You know, now it's like they're doing a spoozle-woozle.
I don't

Speaker 1 the worst thing we had was finger blast. By the way, this

Speaker 2 don't buy the way me on that.

Speaker 1 I throw that in. By the way, the noise you hear out front is someone, obviously, no one cares about construction.
I'm building a third pantry. It's also going to be a safe house.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go in there. I'll eat crackers.

Speaker 2 Oh, wait a minute.

Speaker 2 Hold on. I know you're joking because that's your stock and trade, but I love safe houses.
Jerry Bruckheimer, once I went to a beach, his beach house once, he goes, you want to see it? See what?

Speaker 2 The The safe house. And it was awesome.

Speaker 1 It was in the bathroom, but it's just a fucking sandcastle.

Speaker 2 So I think you should.

Speaker 2 His sandcastle, but no starfish ever penetrated the exterior.

Speaker 1 He had it in Malibu on the beach.

Speaker 2 In his house. It was just like, so there's alarms.
What do you do? Stand your ground, get a gun. You go in the safe house.
It's impenetrable. You call, you have hors d'oeuvres.

Speaker 2 You put a pizza in the oven.

Speaker 1 So the one thing I did see, because Brad Pitt had a, I paused for the name drop,

Speaker 1 had a

Speaker 1 party once, and his door, this is where I get this idea, to his bedroom. This is personal, I guess, but this is so smart.

Speaker 1 Yeah, instead of a safe house, he had the doors were sort of made of steel, like very heavy doors, and then a bar across them when you go to sleep at night. And so that's what I do, no joke, because

Speaker 1 now if someone comes in, I don't get as scared because I go, they still have to get in here. And they can't.
and so I get I've got a couple you know

Speaker 1 next to the bed so it will be they will be uh hit up if they come in but

Speaker 2 the price of fame I know I think you think you're famous if you start thinking about safe houses yeah um I won't say a location but where I am um is this your safe house well we don't lock the doors

Speaker 1 at

Speaker 2 where you live yes we don't lock the doors although I insisted on having a lock on that door because it still goes through your head. The last thing, there's a lot of things you don't want in life.

Speaker 2 You don't want to be audited, you don't want to get a whatever, but you never want to wake up and see someone you don't recognize standing at the foot of your bed looking at you.

Speaker 1 The most I had before this was a circle doorknobs with a little push button in it, like, and then that means it's locked, right? But I guess those are easy to penetrate. So,

Speaker 1 anyway, I'll get back. First of all, this conclave traffic around my house is crazy today.
And you know what? I hope it's because

Speaker 2 you were in the top 10.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because I was, yeah, just in general. That sounds like a Kevin Ealen joke, guys.
This conclave traffic. But they're building next to me.

Speaker 1 They've built on, I've got a little skinny street in this crummy ass neighborhood. And they start putting a green fence on every house.
And I go, oh, no, no.

Speaker 1 That means green fence equals two years of building.

Speaker 2 Trucks, people

Speaker 2 beep, hidden.

Speaker 1 You know, trucks, cement. They have a big drill bit today.
They're putting casings in. Anyway, poor me, poor me.

Speaker 1 Other than that, I have to go over a few things with you.

Speaker 2 I have a few things too. We have a lot of stuff.
Let's start with you.

Speaker 2 We'll go back and forth. If the Pope, Paula's going to, my wife Paula is going to text me if the Pope comes out.
So we'll be able to at least.

Speaker 1 What if we went live? That would be fun. We watched it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we could at least, you could text it live or Heather could.

Speaker 2 Superfly congratulates the new Pope, Trini Lopez Jr.

Speaker 2 Right, man.

Speaker 1 You know what? We should ask every Pope that's in the running to be on right now on Superfly, and they'll be, you know, flattered. And then if the one that wins,

Speaker 1 I go, you already said yes, you're coming.

Speaker 1 That's a good strategy, isn't it?

Speaker 2 Right. We'll be the very first to invite him to our podcast.
Okay, let's do that. When I get the message, we'll get the name, have Heather blast it out since we're we're working.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'll DM him and we'll say, I'll say, hey, man, don't try to big time us now that you're Pope. When you were bishop, you were like, deal with the bulb, but now it don't work.

Speaker 2 Can I say this for reels without any background on it? Cardinal Sean O'Malley is a personal friend of mine and he's there. He's on TV.
He's a cardinal.

Speaker 2 And he's.

Speaker 1 And what does that mean? What ranking is that?

Speaker 2 There's about 135 cardinals, and they're kind of like, usually that's where they pick a pope from the cardinals. Usually, you're a cardinal next up is the pope.

Speaker 1 What's a bishop?

Speaker 2 A bishop?

Speaker 2 Well, king, the knights, one, what are we playing? Chess? Jesus Christ. What's a rook?

Speaker 2 What's a rook?

Speaker 2 I'm not sure the whole thing. I mean, there's Franciscans, there's bishops.

Speaker 2 It's a global ecosystem of provinces and things.

Speaker 2 You being a lapsed Presbyterian wouldn't know.

Speaker 2 What's with the raspberry?

Speaker 1 I just think it's funny that that was a description of me uh okay in movie news two things first one I did go see the accountant

Speaker 1 with Ben Affleck okay I can tell you it's the accountant two

Speaker 2 yes

Speaker 1 uh twice the guns twice the autism i don't know if you know the uh the uh theme of the accountant

Speaker 2 yeah he's he's kind of on the spectrum yeah yeah and he's uh he's not on it he's he's in the middle of it now he's in the middle of the spectrum because i think he upped it a bit in this one.

Speaker 1 Because the first one, it took me about 20 minutes to go. He's moving a little stiff.
Like, I, whatever choices were like, this is what this means.

Speaker 2 He took it a little rain man-y.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Like, hey, you want my lunch bag? And he pulls it away. And you're like, okay, something's wrong.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 But then now he's real, he's barely functioning, but it's, it's actually a good movie. I'll say that.

Speaker 2 He's a nice, he's a nice guy. I'll just say, real quickly, I've met Backley.
I do like Ben Affleck. I've met Ben Affleck.

Speaker 2 I don't. You're waiting.

Speaker 1 We got to put these sound effects in. We drop a name.
That's what we're doing. This is funny.
Okay.

Speaker 2 You'll see it later.

Speaker 1 And you'll be like, oh, my God.

Speaker 2 That's truth. I did meet him.
He's a hell of a nice guy. Go ahead.

Speaker 1 I do not know him well, but I do like him. Okay.
So the other thing was we have Jack Black on our sister podcast

Speaker 2 right now.

Speaker 2 I loved hanging out with Jack Black on. And Jack Black.

Speaker 1 You talked to him about his movie. You talked to him and you were predicting numbers.
And I have some numbers for you.

Speaker 2 Oh, good, good, because I think I

Speaker 2 blew his mind, and then he predicted several hundred million below me, or that was his hope. So, what are the current numbers? It's still creeping up.

Speaker 1 I think you said

Speaker 1 locally, domestically, maybe

Speaker 1 300, and then international total would be a billion.

Speaker 2 That's what you're saying. That's what I said.
International.

Speaker 2 I guarantee you said impossible.

Speaker 1 I guaranteed him that he was hoping for 700 international, which is a phenomenally huge us the whole world 700 i told by any way shape or form yeah great he is at 400 locally domestically he's at 480 international for a total of 880.

Speaker 1 so he's already past his he's getting very close to dana's prediction and i can't see him not getting there i think it's going to have a b after it jack black is a winner he uh he doesn't go down for nobody man man.

Speaker 2 So that guy's going to get, because that's a billion-dollar talent right there, Jack Black.

Speaker 1 Listen, this is on the map, and these are little game changers. I mean, they're very few in the movie biz.
I think Nikki Glazer had a good one. You know, you've been in the business for a long time.

Speaker 1 She goes out and does the roast, jacks her through the roof, and then she does Golden Globes, crushes it even

Speaker 1 more.

Speaker 1 I see the theater she's playing, and instead of one night, she's doing three nights. It's like filling them all up.
It's great.

Speaker 2 It's fun. We're mature adults, and we love our younger friends.
And when they go on that journey, you know, you see it happening with Nikki.

Speaker 2 It's delightful.

Speaker 2 Nikki's like my granddaughter. Well, I ain't actually cute little girl, I'll tell you.
No, but what can we go on and crush so we can play stadiums?

Speaker 1 No, you never know. I think just longevity is a very tough thing to do.

Speaker 1 And it doesn't doesn't mess your head as much just scratching and scraping to stay somewhat in show business chris rock always says there's another one wisdom alert wisdom alert because chris rock says spade the wrong missy is one of the biggest hits ever on netflix and i said i can't believe it he goes it will buy you six months in show business that's it

Speaker 1 Then they go, where's the next one? So

Speaker 1 that's the world everyone's facing.

Speaker 1 so it's very tough but we have some friends are doing great and uh it is hard to keep keep clinging on nate brigotsi was on our part brigatzi's on the roll nikki glazer uh burt kreisner we had tomorrow i will tell you other i did see nate on my trip i just took a trip to do uh some talk shows

Speaker 1 you can't hear this beeping behind me i hope um and uh

Speaker 2 do you really hear it Yeah,

Speaker 1 why? Because it's in my living room. These people, Heather, go out there and throw rocks at them again.
It's every hour on the hour.

Speaker 2 Wind up this time. Go ahead.

Speaker 1 M80s, half sticks.

Speaker 2 So, oh, oh,

Speaker 1 I'm on my plane and I'm talking to Heather. And then when I finish talking politely, I get a little tug.
It's Halle Berry. Hallie Berry, who we all love.

Speaker 1 Of course. Everyone universally loves Halle Berry.

Speaker 1 And she always throws me a crumb and talks to me if I run into her. She was on her way to the Met and then the Cannes Film Festival, where she was going to be a juror or.
It's a tough word.

Speaker 2 Juror. A juror? Yeah, she's going to be a juror.
Well, not in Los Angeles County.

Speaker 2 At Con.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Con. She's going to be a Jur.

Speaker 1 She's not, she's not on the Menendez case.

Speaker 2 She's in

Speaker 2 front of three times in a row fast. Go.

Speaker 1 Jur, Jur, Jur.

Speaker 2 Got it.

Speaker 1 How about jur? Is it the O, Juror?

Speaker 2 Uh, juror. I think it's a juror.
Jur.

Speaker 2 Jurur. Jur.

Speaker 1 I like just jur.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's like Ben Hur.

Speaker 2 Your honor, this jurur here,

Speaker 2 can jur

Speaker 1 number one stand up.

Speaker 1 This truck, I don't even know if this truck can go forward. You hear the beeps?

Speaker 2 Listen, all I'm saying is,

Speaker 2 are you wearing protective gear? Because I'm seeing a Mac just coming into the front.

Speaker 1 Because they're coming through this green wall.

Speaker 2 They're coming through that wall.

Speaker 1 Okay, in other news, I will tell you,

Speaker 1 I was on Theo's podcast. I wanted to apologize because he said a funny joke.
We were promoting the Amazon special that's on right now.

Speaker 2 Theo does a lot of funny, but they're not really jokes. They're like Theo statements.

Speaker 1 No, he does funny statements.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 1 I think we were just discussing that his third grade teacher was an ocelot. that had no ribs.

Speaker 1 But anyway, he did a joke. And in the YouTube comments, they go, hey, you missed Theo's joke.
And now I heard it. I don't, you know, if we talk sometimes, we talk over each other.
Right.

Speaker 1 I didn't hear it. And tell me if you don't think this is a good one.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 Colin Kaepernick came up and he goes

Speaker 1 more like Throza Parks.

Speaker 1 Throza Parks is 10 out of 10 in my estimation. And I didn't even hear it.

Speaker 2 No, that's a great pun. Isn't it a great joke?

Speaker 2 People don't. Kaepernick was a great quarterback.

Speaker 2 And Rosa Parks rode on a bus, Rosa Parks, in the 1950s to

Speaker 2 segregation. Both with the African-American movement and both pushing that's a brilliant punch.

Speaker 1 Isn't that just out of the blue? I was like, oh my God, and I missed it. Anyway, apologies to Theo.

Speaker 2 That,

Speaker 1 and that's it. I did Kelly and

Speaker 1 Regis and Kathy Lee. And

Speaker 1 I want to go, where's Regis? Would they get mad if I walked in?

Speaker 2 Where's Regis? Anyway, you ready for this? I know.

Speaker 2 This is Regis Filming as an astronaut. Houston, can you believe it? I'm out of control.

Speaker 2 I love Regis. I miss Regis.

Speaker 1 I'm talking a ground control.

Speaker 2 I walked out of that show and went out in New York City and all the construction guys going, hey, yo, Regis. Just being Regis, sunny, beautiful New York day.
Hey, Regis. He goes, can you believe it?

Speaker 2 They love me, kid. I can't believe it.
Everybody here loves the Regis. I'm telling you.
They really do. It's a little bit of Trump, so people know.

Speaker 1 It is a little trumpy, but I like it.

Speaker 2 Yes, it's a little trumpy. That's the problem is that when I first learned Trump, I went from Brando to Regis.
That's how I got it.

Speaker 1 But if you're picturing each one, it all works.

Speaker 2 Totally. And it's fun.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're brilliant. I honestly, no joke.
Okay. So that and

Speaker 2 no, those are

Speaker 1 oh, y'all, y'all, you got a lot of compliments on the Larry David on Fly on the Wall, where you were doing a lot of impressions and just saying funny things, and Larry was having absolute crack up.

Speaker 2 Literally, this is the way, and I said another thing, Bill Hayter and Conan were on their podcast. Conan's podcast talking about how they do some of my off-label bits for,

Speaker 2 which I thought was flattering. I didn't mind at all.
I thought it was great. So I said, I'll do it for him.
And then I met a human being because Larry David,

Speaker 2 you know, I didn't know him really. I met him once at a club, but you see him on curb

Speaker 2 and he's actually, he's not that guy exactly. That is sort of maybe who he wants to be.
But I never met anyone with that kind of sense of humor.

Speaker 2 I mean, I wish we had video on it or Heather took a little video. So that's why I said, oh, he, because his whole thing is never say yes when you're going to go on talk shows.
Why am I here?

Speaker 2 Never say yes. And it's kind of a joke, but sort of real.
So that was fun.

Speaker 1 making a lot of fun. Yeah, I think when he sat down, I said, Larry, I know you don't want to be here.
We don't want you here, but let's just do this.

Speaker 2 And we don't want to be here.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we all don't want to be here. Let's just do it.
And he was quite funny, quite loose for being a big star with a lot of money. He was really giving up laughs.
And that's all.

Speaker 2 He's charming, has no ego. The only two things I wanted to say.

Speaker 1 He says funny things.

Speaker 2 When was the first time you knew this is how you're going to make a living? Because I don't think he started stand-up till he was 30. We missed that and all the frivolity.

Speaker 2 And then I was just curious: like, what does he consume? Like, movies, books, television? You know, because Jerry, you know, do you watch movies?

Speaker 2 No!

Speaker 2 No!

Speaker 2 He laughed so hard.

Speaker 1 He liked your Jerry. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, because it's just one word. But anyway.

Speaker 1 But anyway, okay, well, anything else? And then we'll get to some stupid clips that we show.

Speaker 3 Ready to level up? Chumpa Casino is your playbook to fun. It's free to play with no purchase necessary.

Speaker 3 Enjoy hundreds of online social games like Blackjack, Slots, and Solitaire anytime, anywhere with fresh releases every week.

Speaker 3 Whether you are at home or on the go, let Chumba Casino bring the excitement to you. Plus, get free daily login bonuses and a free welcome bonus.

Speaker 3 Join now for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Play Chumba Casino today.
No purchase necessary. VGW Group Voidboard Prohibited by Law 21 Plus.
TNCs apply. Ready to level up?

Speaker 3 Chumba Casino is your playbook to fun. It's free to play with no purchase necessary.

Speaker 3 Enjoy hundreds of online social games like Blackjack, Slots, and Solitaire anytime, anywhere, with fresh releases every week, whether you're at home or on the go.

Speaker 3 Let Chumba Casino bring the excitement to you. Plus, get free daily login bonuses and a free welcome bonus.
Join now for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Play Chumba Casino today.

Speaker 3 No purchase necessary. VGW Group Void War Prohibited by Law 21 Plus.
TNCs apply.

Speaker 2 Let's see. I have...

Speaker 2 Well, this I just have to do because I think it's Trump outdid himself with his funniness this week.

Speaker 2 He's at a press, because you know, I don't always report on him because it's not all, you know, how do you talk? How does Trump top Trump?

Speaker 2 So then he goes off on Alcatraz because he wants to make it's a tourist attraction since 1963.

Speaker 2 And he's just going on and on, you know, they can't escape, and everybody loves Alcatraz. It's a tough place, I'll tell you that, Al Capo.
There is

Speaker 2 Clint Eastwood was the only one to escape. Many people don't know this, but you know, all newmen escaped.
Kulan Luke, you remember that? They had it, but we're going to bring it back.

Speaker 2 We're going to bring back Alcatraz.

Speaker 2 And then he said something like, it's scary. It's a scary place.
Law and order. It's also sort of a weird place.

Speaker 2 It's a weak place in many ways. I didn't even know what he was talking about.
What is he talking about? It's a weak place. It's a strong place.

Speaker 2 We're going to make it bigger and more beautiful than ever. And he started just talking about.
The only guy tried to escape. This is the exact quote.

Speaker 2 They found his clothes and they were all torn up and there were a lot of shark bites there were shark bites oh they bite you

Speaker 2 i didn't know what that meant the guy tried to escape they found his tattered clothes and they found shark bites on the clothes yeah he got eaten and the shark

Speaker 1 shark clothes floated to the

Speaker 2 shore

Speaker 1 actually show that picture again because when you look at the people that were in there or tried to escape one of them is machine gun kelly and everyone thinks it's the rapper and they're like no that's that name was taken from uh someone else named There was a real machine gun Kelly, right?

Speaker 2 Right, a real machine gun Kelly, Al Capone. They all went in there, they all tried to escape, but there were a lot of people.

Speaker 1 It was in the comments on the side, but you know, it's okay.

Speaker 2 I get it. I had a flight of fancy after I, because I was thinking Biden to Trump, forget politics.
Just stylistically, it's been a little exciting for everybody.

Speaker 2 So, the way America goes, it goes like this. That's why Jimmy Carter followed Nixon.
So, the next president is going to be the most benign. And this is what I've called him.

Speaker 2 This is my impression of our next president. I'm Brian.
I'm President Brian. Listen to the calm of my voice.
Feels good, doesn't it? I shall never mumble a scream. I shall just be Brian.
Nice.

Speaker 2 President Brian. Now, David, breathe in the Brian.

Speaker 2 Hold the Brian.

Speaker 2 Release the Brian. This message pay for for AI Brian for president.

Speaker 1 That is a little how.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm President Brian.

Speaker 1 I like it because I think that might, I don't think that'll happen to me.

Speaker 2 I think that's there's some truthiness to that.

Speaker 1 But it will. He met with the Canada guy.
Did that go well? I didn't even see it. They said Canada guy.

Speaker 2 It wasn't as bad as Zelensky. He did kept saying, we're going to take it.
You know, it'd be a great little state. And the Canadian guy was very serious, going, Canada's not

Speaker 2 for sale, eh? Well, never say never, never say never.

Speaker 2 You know, it's like that with a ruler, they put a big thing. These are direct quotes across the border, and it's a beautiful shape and we could do it, and we're still going to do it.

Speaker 2 And the guy's sitting there red faced, he's honoring Canada, he's representing Canada, and Trump's just going, no, we'll get you.

Speaker 1 It's like, it's like that Robert Redford movie where he tries to buy Woody Harrelson's wife.

Speaker 2 He's so rich.

Speaker 1 And he's like, we're going to take your wife. I was called indecent proposal.
And he goes, Woody goes, oh, she's not for sale.

Speaker 2 He goes, yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, anyway, I'm going to take her. I'm going to give her a million dollars.

Speaker 1 And he's like, no, no, we have a great marriage. And then she starts going, well, maybe for a million.
And it gets all messy.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you that. I saw that movie.
It was depressing because Woody Harrels' character was crying and sobbing.

Speaker 2 All right. Here, news flash in the middle of our podcast.
And I have one more thing.

Speaker 1 No, it's not, it's not Conclave Related, is it?

Speaker 2 Oh, it is. New Pope, Robert Francis Prévost, P-R-E-Vivo.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I just want 200%.

Speaker 2 Trump's going to be happy. We've got an

Speaker 2 American Pope. What are they using? They're an American.
Oh, well, you know, they're Italian or they're Polish.

Speaker 2 He'll be Pope Leo XIV.

Speaker 2 Trump's going to love Leo. We got an American Pope.
We're going to take over the Vatican. We're going to remodel it.
We're going to do a beautiful job. We're going to make it U.S.
territory.

Speaker 2 Okay, here's

Speaker 2 my final thing. Good.

Speaker 2 Bill Gates announced that this is the quote. He or from Daily Mail.
He's snubbing his kids. He's giving away 99%

Speaker 2 of his money. He's snubbing the kids.
But what's left in the 1%

Speaker 2 is 1.6 billion. He has three kids.
They'll get 550 million each. And that's cough.
And his oldest son said, bunch of fucking bullshit, man. Yeah, why are you trying to rap fuck me?

Speaker 1 Bunch of fucking 500 million 500 million, dude. I can go to Coachella maybe once.

Speaker 1 Yes. I can go to Erwan twice.

Speaker 2 He has six private jets, two Gulf Streams, two Bombardier Challenges, but he's terrified of climate change. So what he does is he has a company called Direct Air Capture.
So they suck this

Speaker 2 CO2 out of the sky. First off, I can fly jets anywhere I want.
My company sucks the C2O out of the sky. It's

Speaker 1 they're investing in chemtrails. Let's be honest.

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 1 oh, yeah. Well, listen, bless his heart.
Six jets. I wish.

Speaker 2 I wish. Well, it's kind of like Al Gore is the original because he is like the pope of climate change.
Yeah. And he, you know, and he buys offsets.
I buy offsets on my private jets.

Speaker 2 So they plant a tree and that sucks the TheOTO that I put in. And the reporter said, well, can't you just fly southwest and still pay to plant the tree? Yeah, and

Speaker 2 he said, quote, well, that doesn't sound like so much fun.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it does not. I'm on southwest a lot.
It's not that fun.

Speaker 2 I flew southwest. I kind of liked it.

Speaker 1 I bring a tree to the private jet airport and I go, can I jump on if I hold this tree and we'll cancel each other out?

Speaker 2 I carry a flower on the private jet and swish it around. Anyway, that's all I got for you today.
This has been Dana Talks. This is with my guest, David Spade.

Speaker 1 Myself. I just muted myself.

Speaker 2 You muted yourself.

Speaker 1 I haven't muted the whole time, I hope. Okay, more stories.
We got time. We did good.
That's good. We're doing great.

Speaker 2 I'm having fun. That's all I go by.

Speaker 1 You're doing great, sweetie. Okay, do you remember the Carol Burnett show?

Speaker 1 That's what I think Chris Jenner says.

Speaker 2 You're doing great, sweetie. That's funny.

Speaker 1 This is Carol Burnett's show, which I grew up watching sitting in front of the TV as a little tyke.

Speaker 2 But this should be what.

Speaker 1 Do you have a question, Edward?

Speaker 1 Oh, oh, it's okay. Well, I just want to let them know that you bumped into your tour manager maybe at some point during some

Speaker 2 time. You should tell the tour your tour manager story.

Speaker 2 Oh, what is tell your story?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, that's right.

Speaker 2 I sent Greg the video.

Speaker 1 Oh, we'll send show the video. Oh, I drew.
I'll tell the, I'll do Kailburnett first.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're right. I'll tell it.
Yeah, you're right.

Speaker 2 Let's do it. That is funny.

Speaker 1 So, we'll quickly Kilburnett's show was interesting because I don't think they do it anymore. They take questions.
So, she took questions at the beginning. You remember this?

Speaker 1 And this lady has a great delivery, but you never know what you're getting. I feel like this is all real back then.
Like no one was a plant. No.

Speaker 1 And they used to make her scream this Tarzan scream. But other than that, the question: this is an interesting question I saw.
I thought it was funny. Crap.

Speaker 2 I thought they would like it. Here we go.

Speaker 4 Soap do they use to clean the floor?

Speaker 1 What kind of soap do they use to clean the floor?

Speaker 1 Okay, so Carol Burnett is. So that's actually a good, interesting question.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Very specific.

Speaker 4 I think that's a little personal.

Speaker 1 Good answer. It's a cute housewife.

Speaker 5 They have vinyl cleaner.

Speaker 4 Vinyl cleaner. Do you want to tell the lady what it is? Do you have a vinyl 4 at home you want to clean? Is that it?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Where is it? In the bathroom or the kitchen?

Speaker 2 All over.

Speaker 2 You have vinyl all over your house.

Speaker 2 All right, that was a good. That's cute, right? That's it.
That was,

Speaker 2 yeah, go ahead. I've

Speaker 2 met Carol Burnett, and I was doing the Larry Sanders show,

Speaker 2 and she was on next, and I was leaving, and she came through the door. We're in the side of the studio, and it was so flattering for me at that time.
It was a thrill.

Speaker 2 She just put her arms out and said, Dana, It's always amazing when your idols, one of your idols knows your name.

Speaker 1 I know. I ran into her at the Beverly Center and she said, Dana.

Speaker 2 That was what I was going to say. Oh, yo, I jumped you.
Sorry.

Speaker 1 No, it's funny. She goes, Dana.
And then she went up to the guy that runs the elevator and goes, Dana.

Speaker 1 No, she is a legend, and that term is thrown around.

Speaker 2 And I'll just say this for 30 seconds because we don't talk about her. We'd love to have her on the podcast.
She's still

Speaker 2 somebody who gets Harvey Corman and Tim Conway as your sidekicks is very secure. She was the reason the show was great is because she could share the stage and then be brilliant herself.
That's all.

Speaker 2 And Victoria. Even that.

Speaker 1 Her doing this crowd work and laughing. And someone says it like three jokes in a row.
Yeah. And she just laughs at him.

Speaker 2 Well, Tim Conway would just destroy them. He'd have secret things planted for the real kind of their in the real hollywood she would have him fired immediately

Speaker 2 yeah anyone get the lens they they wouldn't come back after summer if they were getting you you kill like that in front of the star bye bye

Speaker 2 yeah

Speaker 1 yeah but she we can say you know dick van dyke i'd like to talk to you on here too sometime just to hear the whole history of his life he's he's sort of a um i watched uh

Speaker 2 what's it the night at the museum with ben ben was he in it yeah and dick van Van Dyke was in there with Mickey Rooney, and they were hysterical, especially Mickey Rooney. And the movie just holds up.

Speaker 2 It's just a great, fun movie.

Speaker 2 Ben Stiller is so good at playing the reactive straight man that then turns and gets kind of snarky.

Speaker 1 That's a fun part if you can do it right. The straight man is very important.

Speaker 2 And then he's really funny. What do you get to do?

Speaker 2 They create such an underdog. And then, so it's a great thing.

Speaker 1 And he does severance, which is a whole different.

Speaker 2 Well, now he's turning into Stanley Kubrick or something. He's directing.
People fucking

Speaker 2 have Ben back on and talk about seven.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, we should talk about that. You're right.

Speaker 1 Ben.

Speaker 2 Okay, so he's, we got how we get guests mostly. It's just yeah, there you go.

Speaker 1 I just heard on the podcast. So, do you want me to come on? We're like, yeah.

Speaker 1 All right, what's the next stupid story? It's never cute enough.

Speaker 2 Then I want to hear your road story.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. This is

Speaker 2 Punks.

Speaker 1 Go ahead, read it. So this guy's a Palm Springs

Speaker 1 career panhandler.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 1 And he's good looking. So someone filmed him and said, this guy should model.
So someone contacted him and he said, I don't want to model. Leave me alone.
I want to do this.

Speaker 1 So here's his story.

Speaker 6 Professional panhandler patrols the streets of Palm Springs. He's going viral now for two reasons.

Speaker 5 One, for his chiseled good looks, they say. Another for his bold and shameless stance on the way he makes his money.

Speaker 6 Yeah, that's Brad Love. He describes himself as a career panhandler.
He was recently spotted by LA-based photographer who suggested Brad go into modeling.

Speaker 6 Well, Brad says he's not homeless and he has no interest in modeling or any other kind of job.

Speaker 6 He says he's had jobs. He's even been a nurse, but asking for cash on the side of the road is just easier.
He also has a cash app account. He advertises to his 20,000 TikTok followers.

Speaker 6 It's not clear how much Love makes on his street hustle, but he did post a clip claiming he made about $260 in just a couple hours last month.

Speaker 2 Well, that's not going to set you up in Palm Springs. I'm kind of calling that a little bit fuzzy.
Like, does he do it eight hours a day? Does he live on the street?

Speaker 2 I mean, how does he afford his apartment and everything? He must be getting more than that. Well, that's just in a couple hours.
What Panhandler has a TikTok? What is it? TikTok? What does he have?

Speaker 2 20,000 followers?

Speaker 1 And a Cash App. So what happens is sometimes people will put in their Instagram bio Cash App in case you want to give me money to help me pursue my dreams of being a

Speaker 2 well he seems like a nice young man let me get my phone here all right all right what's his name again

Speaker 1 no one stops me from modeling what are you gonna give him how much

Speaker 2 oh shit i slipped with the zeros a hundred thousand just went oh well dana i know way too much look at me don't say oh dana i'm the one who lost the money no well what about he did he did look like sort of johnny depp first year jump street well he's got a $700 haircut that swoops down on his, you know, so I don't know.

Speaker 2 He is dreamy.

Speaker 1 Smells like poop, but dreamy. All right.
So, okay, here's the story of my

Speaker 1 new tour manager. So when I'm in New York, I say, hey, I'm promoting the

Speaker 1 dandelion on

Speaker 2 Amazon. My special, yeah.

Speaker 1 So it was coming out that day. So I said, hey, guys, we'll show the video, but I go, here's my new.
Do you have a video?

Speaker 2 If you have a one. Hey, guys, David Spade.

Speaker 1 I'm got a new special on Amazon starts tonight. I got a new tour at DavidSpade.com.
Here's my new tour manager, Billy.

Speaker 2 We worked really hard with the special.

Speaker 1 So do you know who this is then?

Speaker 2 I can't leave New York. Therefore, I am the best person ever to lead an international tour.

Speaker 1 That's right. Mexico, here we come.
They'll kill me.

Speaker 2 We can't go there.

Speaker 2 Free tea sandwich.

Speaker 2 Okay, so good.

Speaker 1 We put that on because

Speaker 1 this is the guy from the Fire Festival that we've talked about. He did the one fire Festival years ago.

Speaker 2 I knew he was looking familiar. Right.

Speaker 1 So he does it years ago. Obviously, it's a catastrophe.
They gave away cheese sandwiches. There was not what everyone advertised.
They paid all these models a million dollars.

Speaker 2 You know, millions. Yeah, got it.
A lot of money. A great documentary because it's such a shit show.
Right.

Speaker 1 So he comes out of jail. He does it again.
Fire Festival 2.

Speaker 2 I think we talked about it.

Speaker 1 Hyped it up. Hype it up.
I think packages are up to a million. They had no lineup at this point.
You know, it's just like, I think it's like the cart before the horse.

Speaker 1 They get the money, then they can pay the

Speaker 2 right, right. That's sort of like a reverse Ponzi scheme or something like that.
Right.

Speaker 1 A little made-off-y, whatever. Anyway, he's trying to do it.
He's working with some people, put it together again.

Speaker 1 They

Speaker 1 check with Mexico. Mexico cities are like, we have no idea what's going.
This is, there's no permits. So it starts to fall apart again.

Speaker 1 So I thought, oh, it'd be funny if I got that guy's mic to a major because obviously he's not maybe the best for the job right right so we shake him out of the brush and he comes out as a joke to be funny and says he'll do this so then

Speaker 1 I think everyone will think it's a joke and then nobody did they go oh this guy's your

Speaker 1 why would you pick this guy he doesn't he's collapsed too let me ask you a question

Speaker 2 did I see it correctly I mean does everyone who see that guy is he that recognizable that they knew it was the fire

Speaker 1 well that's true I put at the bottom fire fest three

Speaker 2 and then i put okay uh i put his tag and then i put cheese sandwich and mexico is where we seems like you almost should have introduced him and said that he you know just did the but yeah i mean honestly it slipped through the cracks because tmz

Speaker 1 hit my pr and said hey spade hired this guy you know he's not great at this but we're going to run this story and i'm like no i didn't

Speaker 2 no

Speaker 2 i should have said anything but oh yeah i thought it was real. Yeah, I should have said, I'm not at liberty to say, I really don't want to discuss it right now.

Speaker 1 Right. I thought they would put it up and just say it was a joke because the guy keeps asked, getting asked to be on talk shows.
He won't talk to anyone, but then he's like, yeah, I'll come do it.

Speaker 1 So he was very funny to do that, even though obviously people, some were mad that I did it with him, of course.

Speaker 2 Let me talk to the fans for just a second because I'm looking at you now. You know, he should have mentioned the guy was from the Fire Fest, so it would have been a viral, but he didn't.

Speaker 2 So back to the podcast.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 I have to say, hey, I recognized him. He was about two feet taller than I thought he'd be, but I recognized him, and I put Firefest 3 on there.

Speaker 2 All right, let me talk to the fans for a second.

Speaker 1 Okay, real quick.

Speaker 2 I won't listen. So, anyway, I take it back.
It was a good video. He's touring Spanish.
His specialist called Dandelion, but still, it should have said Fry Festival guy or whatever.

Speaker 2 But David didn't do that. Let me, I'll be back to you.
Let me go back to the podcast.

Speaker 1 So, Dana, listen, you win.

Speaker 2 Twice is enough.

Speaker 1 No, it's good. I like that when you talk to the crowd.

Speaker 2 You can talk to the crowd. No, your camera's too far away.

Speaker 2 Can you look at the in the lens? Oh, there you go. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Maybe it wasn't.

Speaker 2 Maybe it doesn't get that close. I know.
It's a little rough.

Speaker 1 I don't think I even need this light, Heather, but next time we'll talk about it. It makes my forehead too bright.

Speaker 2 1%.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 1 God, was someone step on your tail?

Speaker 2 Frustrated assistant for 900, Bob.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I just heard, get fucked.

Speaker 2 1% is 1%.

Speaker 2 How low could she go?

Speaker 2 She's like,

Speaker 2 by the way, David,

Speaker 2 when we do these long super, you can put on sunglasses.

Speaker 2 You know, Bill Maher, when Bill, Billy Maher, my buddy William Maher, he'll wear these indoor, outdoor sunglasses on his club random thing.

Speaker 2 So you can wear those and then they could put the lights a little brighter.

Speaker 1 I do, but, you know, sometimes the brighter light isn't the better because it makes my forehead bright. Because I'm going to paint this blue behind me and put a shelf.

Speaker 1 And so we're going to see some real fucking upgrades. People are going to be like, hold on.

Speaker 2 No, I have a curtain kind of mostly closed. Too much light's not good either.
Anyway, well, it's all

Speaker 2 going to be in my special. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Lights on.

Speaker 2 How about lights on?

Speaker 1 Mine's going to be called lights, camera, not that much action

Speaker 2 about my sex light.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's show one more story. No, a couple more stories.
We got time.

Speaker 7 The holidays mean more travel, more shopping, more time online, and more personal info in more places that could expose you more to identity theft.

Speaker 7 But LifeLock monitors millions of data points per second. If your identity is stolen, our U.S.-based restoration specialists will fix it guaranteed or your money back.

Speaker 7 Don't face drained accounts, fraudulent loans, or financial losses alone. Get more holiday fun and less holiday worry with Life Lock.
Save up to 40% your first year. Visit lifelock.com slash podcast.

Speaker 7 Terms apply.

Speaker 8 The second half of the basketball season is here and the race to the playoffs continues on Prize Picks, the best daily fantasy sports app to cash in on your favorite sports. The app is simple.

Speaker 8 Pick more or less on at least two players for a shot to win up to a thousand times your cash. Download the Prize Picks app today and use code FIELD and get $50 instantly when you play $5.

Speaker 8 That's code FIELD on PrizePicks to get $50 instantly when you play $5. Win or lose, you'll get $50 for just playing.
Guaranteed. Prize picks.
Run your game. Must be present in a certain state.

Speaker 8 Visit PrizePicks.com for restrictions and details.

Speaker 9 Tito's handmade vodka is America's favorite vodka for a reason.

Speaker 9 From the first legal distillery in Texas, Tito's is six times distilled till it's just right and naturally gluten-free, making it a high-quality spirit that mixes with just about anything.

Speaker 9 From the smoothest martinis to the best Bloody Mary's. Tito's is known for giving back, teaming up with nonprofits to serve its communities and do good for dogs.
Make your next cocktail with Tito's.

Speaker 3 Distilled and bottled by Fifth Generation Inc., Austin, Texas. 40% alcohol by volume.
Savor responsibly.

Speaker 2 So Stab and Cabin came from the 1940s? Is that

Speaker 2 seems like something Spencer Tracy and Kate hep and I'll meet you at the Stabbin' Cabin.

Speaker 1 I don't think she would say it was more of an agent.

Speaker 1 at William Morris about 15 years ago said, I live, I'm married, I live in Malibu, but I also have a Stab and cabin in town.

Speaker 2 Well, did you ever see the movie The Apartment with Jack Lemon and Shirley McClain?

Speaker 1 No, I'm young.

Speaker 2 Okay, it's exactly about that. It's so out for its time, could never work in 2025.
But they have this apartment and they rotate.

Speaker 2 All the guys that work rotate, and then that's their sort of rendezvous point with someone not. Rendezvous.

Speaker 1 I like how you water it down. Good job.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I like that.

Speaker 1 By the way, my mom saw my special.

Speaker 1 I was not warned.

Speaker 2 She goes, oh, I woke up.

Speaker 1 I watched on Jimmy Fallon. They bleeped something, first of all.
I don't know. That was either on Kelly Ripper or Jimmy.
They bleeped something. Heather, do you even know what that would have been?

Speaker 1 And then maybe when I was talking about Bill Belichick, but then

Speaker 1 we, and then she goes, I watch the special.

Speaker 2 I go, mom, relax, pace it out.

Speaker 1 And she said, okay, oh, it's so fun. She's lapping the, she, of course.
In full disclosure, she's a great audience. I can do no wrong.

Speaker 2 No, I love just that phrase. It's fun.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's fun.

Speaker 1 You're doing fun stuff about fun things.

Speaker 1 So I said, great. And then she goes, oh, I just got to the part.
You knew I wouldn't like this.

Speaker 2 I didn't like it. A little naughty below the waist.

Speaker 1 Toward the end, I go, oh, yeah, that's.

Speaker 2 Was it a self-pleasuring joke or a...

Speaker 1 It was, I think it's just basically

Speaker 1 the setup is something like, it's getting hard. Do you find it's getting hard to watch porn on an airplane?

Speaker 2 Oh, right. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's not impossible. It's just

Speaker 2 a little trickier. Yeah.
It's a funny setup, right?

Speaker 1 I mean, I guess.

Speaker 1 But I mean, I guess crushing laughs and applause.

Speaker 2 Well, no, the premise is very funny. I'm sure you worked really hard to follow it up with actual jokes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I did. The jokes are about porn, which is where I lost her.

Speaker 2 But,

Speaker 1 oh, Davey, you don't need that.

Speaker 2 But my takeaway from this entire podcast, knowing you and your mom's relationship and everything, and how sweet she is, her going, it's so fun.

Speaker 2 Oh, I mean, that is so sweet.

Speaker 1 I mean, when I come to town, I go, she goes, what happened? I go, well, I landed in the airport. She goes, oh, fun.

Speaker 2 Oh, fun. Right.

Speaker 1 Then I go, I rented a car. I was on the, I got on the 10 and she goes, oh, fun.
I go, what, what's fun?

Speaker 2 The freeway?

Speaker 1 It just sounds like a fun thing because you're on a journey and you're going to do something fun.

Speaker 2 Fun is her word.

Speaker 1 It is. It is.
It's great. And then anybody she meets, oh, she's fun.
Oh, you'd like her.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's very fun.

Speaker 2 She's a fun cookie. She's a smart cookie.
She lives in the greater Phoenix metro area. David Spade's a child, and she's got a lot of fun to say.

Speaker 2 No, I mean, your next

Speaker 2 is called Fun, Exclamation Point, Fun, Exclamation Point, Fun.

Speaker 1 Exclamation Point. Yes.
I will talk about my mom.

Speaker 1 I will tell things about how she gets on Facebook so much that when there's an ad for three-day blinds and it says like 30% off this weekend, she comments, ooh, that sounds good.

Speaker 1 I go, Mom, are you commenting on a commercial on an ad? I don't even know if you can do that. Yeah, it sounds like a good deal.

Speaker 2 I'm just getting the word out. Everything in life, like they just, the restaurant decided to comp you this elaborate dessert.
Ooh, that looks fun. That looks

Speaker 2 good.

Speaker 2 She's the most positive person in the world. So, how do we explain you?

Speaker 1 She takes pictures, takes pictures at dinner. We sit down.

Speaker 2 She goes, oh, it's the whole family.

Speaker 1 Take a picture. Go.
And it's like, we're sitting down. And she's like, katish, katish.
And then I'm like, mom, let's just get settled. We'll get a waiter over here.
I go, I get a notice. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 You already posted this on Facebook.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's a good one. I go, mom, we're not even in focus.

Speaker 1 It's all blurs and shape. She goes, I know.
I go, you have to run it by us before you post it. She goes, no.

Speaker 2 She's like a human Labrador retriever. She goes, no, she won't read.

Speaker 1 She goes, no, I'm not.

Speaker 2 Will she come on this podcast? Just

Speaker 1 super sweet.

Speaker 2 She loves you. She'll do it for you.
Have her just come on. Well,

Speaker 2 sure, she looks incredible. I can send her some of my fancy pants, lights.

Speaker 1 She always goes, oh, I'm laughing at the podcast. And Dana, oh, the dogs are laughing.
Everyone loves it.

Speaker 2 That's funny how the parents are like. Very sweet.
Yeah. They always, oh, that David Spade, let me tell you.

Speaker 2 They don't say whether it's good or bad. They go, oh, that David Spade.

Speaker 1 They go, he's a real piece of work.

Speaker 2 What does that mean?

Speaker 2 He's a real character. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Sounds negative.

Speaker 2 You know, David Spade, his special just came out. He could be a dandy.

Speaker 1 He's a real dandy. I'm going out filming dandelions.

Speaker 1 You know, I realize you say, I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 Is it out right now? Okay, I'll watch it as soon as I'm going to. Yeah, what'd you think?

Speaker 2 Well, I'm going to watch it as soon as

Speaker 1 no, you saw basically

Speaker 1 this podcast. The last

Speaker 1 corporate we did. That was a lot of it.

Speaker 2 Minus the difference. Yeah, but I don't go out in the audience, so I'm kind of in the where it's all I can do.
You hear me act like this:

Speaker 2 no, what I hear is

Speaker 2 and then I hear a big laugh, then I hear,

Speaker 2 then I hear kind of a little laugh, and then I hear, I hear you go,

Speaker 2 and then a big laugh. Then you hear this,

Speaker 2 beep, beep, beep.

Speaker 1 You're like, oh, he's doing a sound effects joke.

Speaker 2 Then I hear this very clearly at the end. Sorry, that's all I got.
Good night.

Speaker 1 I'm like, sorry, now the guy you came to see.

Speaker 2 Tata.

Speaker 2 No, I opened for you in Indianapolis. And then, no, you opened for me in Indianapolis, and that wasn't easy.
And then I opened for you in Indio. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It was great. Both great shows.
I had a blast. We got to do more of those.

Speaker 2 They're fun. Crazy.
It's fun to have your friend do it. That would be you.
And then you don't have to do 75. I did a

Speaker 2 uh casino whoops sold out how'd that get out but um they said they know which one you're talking about they wanted 75 and so when you go in the

Speaker 2 hinderland it's like 20 miles west of salem oregon you've been very appreciative yeah you've been there you get a very appreciative incredible crowd because you're the only show in town

Speaker 1 it's you and some hieroglyphics but i've been to that one it's very good audience. It's just a little bit of a hike, but you get out there and it's once you're out there, it's fun.

Speaker 1 Spirit, Spirit Mountain. Oh, I thought it was Table Mountain.
Was it?

Speaker 2 Well, there's a lot of

Speaker 2 Native American casinos that want to hire us.

Speaker 1 Yes, and they're great.

Speaker 2 Great group.

Speaker 1 I think, but do you ever bring an opener?

Speaker 2 Sometimes. This time I didn't.

Speaker 1 So you have to fill the whole time.

Speaker 2 Well, on the sheet, it said show length 60 minutes. You get a little rundown for when you do do these gigs, folks.
White sheet says set length 60, show length 75. It's like, wait a minute.
So

Speaker 2 they're providing a local opener from Salem, but no, actually, set length 75. So I did 74.30.
I just lucked out. I did everything I had.
7430? Did you really? I look down and I go, oh, timed it out.

Speaker 2 Well, when you know you have 75, you kind of embellish. You don't rush.
You just take

Speaker 1 usually show lengths on the road for theater stuff are an hour and a half. So you have people do time.
I have one or two openers. I do time, but I usually do an hour.

Speaker 1 But when I do corporates, 45 is plenty.

Speaker 2 45 is good. I actually did a private party and I did 50.
I played in front of a waterfall and no one in the audience was within 100 feet of me.

Speaker 1 It's so funny.

Speaker 2 I know. And they were really nice, but it's like they don't really, this is not like ideal.
But this happened to me just because

Speaker 2 I'm a child of the 50s. So I'm just doing my set.
I'm kind of being animated because they're really, I'm just tagging stuff because they're such a hot audience.

Speaker 2 And then I got a stabbing pain in my inner thigh. Like, I couldn't really walk for a bit.
And I had to kind of fake it and kind of work it out. Do you ever just have to-

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's really weird when you're about to go on.

Speaker 1 One time I was choking on some celery backstage right before I went on. Literally stuck stuck in my throat.
Not choking, but like I can't swallow. I know.

Speaker 2 I've had stuff.

Speaker 1 It drives you nuts. I had an eyelash in my eye right before I go on.
And you're like, these are the little things in life. You just take care of it.
But you can't do anything. You can't pee.

Speaker 2 You can't. You can't be funny.

Speaker 1 Yeah. If you fucking stop for five seconds, someone's like, what's wrong? What is he doing?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I was right in the wings at Cobb's Comedy Pub in

Speaker 2 Cobb's Comedy Club in San Francisco, 450-seater,

Speaker 2 waiting to go on. I talking to someone, and I bit my tongue.
No. And I'm bleeding profusely as I hear.

Speaker 2 Ladies and gentlemen, you know him from Saturday Life Live, Glenn Afarfo, you know, and I'm coming out. I'm just swallowing blood for about 20 minutes till it coagulated.

Speaker 1 Yeah, coag.

Speaker 1 You know him from his podcast, whatever it's called.

Speaker 2 His mouth is bleeding. He has a temperature of 104 and he can't feel his feet.
Let's bring him out.

Speaker 2 You know him and you love him.

Speaker 1 And does anyone have a tourniquet?

Speaker 2 He just had a knee replaced and his shoulder is made of silicone. David Spade.

Speaker 1 David Spade, he's high as a kite on biking.

Speaker 2 And here he comes. David Spade, he can only see out of one eye and

Speaker 2 his hearing ain't very good either. Let's bring him out.

Speaker 1 Some lucky front row customer is going to get a coughed up piece of celery in about 10 minutes.

Speaker 2 David Spade, he's

Speaker 2 under prepared. He doesn't have an act and he has no short-term memory.
Let's bring him out. He's bleeding from the back of his neck.

Speaker 1 Get ready to hear every joke three times.

Speaker 2 He just got stabbed. Let's bring him out.

Speaker 2 David Spage.

Speaker 2 You know him. You don't know why you love him.

Speaker 1 And here he actually, Catherine introduces me. She goes,

Speaker 2 you know him from the wrong Missy and Joder and grown-ups. And if you don't, you're in the wrong place.

Speaker 2 That's not bad. They're not bad.
They had me. They call it the voice of God.
So you have a mic on stage. They go, do you want to do it? So I had to do it for myself.

Speaker 1 God, you're a one-man band.

Speaker 2 So it was all, yeah, no ladies in general.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I just said, he's not very good.

Speaker 2 Keep your expectations low. This next guy, yeah, just had a cell.
Well, I have to ask, because it's when you first said it, really?

Speaker 2 A celery stick?

Speaker 1 I have celery backstage with like a veggie tray.

Speaker 2 You kind of can get in your taste.

Speaker 1 And I chew it up and it gets a little stringy, whatever, it gets stuck. That's twice it's happened.
And I'm like, no celery before I go out.

Speaker 2 Nothing.

Speaker 1 You shouldn't eat one thing.

Speaker 2 You shouldn't eat anything. I mean, one thing I've done lately is I'll just have a little bite of Hershey's chocolate just because of the energy.
But I used to do this thing. I'd get a craving.

Speaker 2 for corn on the cob with a lot of butter and I'd be eating that in the wings. No.
Corn on the cob. And I would come out with cobb and corn just like all over my teeth.

Speaker 2 And finally, one of the club owners said, dude, you shouldn't have the corn on the cob before you go out.

Speaker 2 I mean, David Spade was in here last week just chewing on celery and two people vomited in the front row. No one could understand him.

Speaker 1 How many times have you pooped your pants on stage, roughly?

Speaker 2 I mean, recently? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Poop my pants on

Speaker 2 you made me actually consider.

Speaker 1 I have one time

Speaker 1 because you get one time in Dallas, I got sort of a panic attack.

Speaker 1 Well, I didn't, no, I didn't do number two on stage.

Speaker 1 I have had

Speaker 1 some warnings, but I didn't nothing ever happened but when i was in dallas about two years ago i was on and i was i started to get a panic attack weird right at the beginning of the tour looking out

Speaker 1 or anything beforehand i think i did yeah

Speaker 1 and i was like going

Speaker 1 and i start looking around going and you and anytime you're thinking of anything other than your act like i don't want to connect eyes or the audience i kind of because you're thinking of so many things and you're evaluating how it's going and then you're like i want to jump to that joke on my set list i shouldn't do that one they won't buy that you got to jump so there's a lot going on But when you stop, I stop and I go, oh my God, what if I freak out?

Speaker 1 I start to get like panicky. And I look over to see if Bobby's there.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, what would I do? Walk off and try to calm down.

Speaker 1 It's terrifying.

Speaker 2 That's the weird part. And of course, we're very blessed and lucky to do this for a living, but there are tales about it because the show must go on.

Speaker 2 And I always say, well, maybe the show doesn't have to go on. Maybe the show sucks.
But the other night, one of my gigs,

Speaker 2 I don't drink Coca-Cola in life, but I do drink a little bit of Coca-Cola for a god. Same thing with chocolate, just to get up.

Speaker 1 To wake up.

Speaker 2 But the show's delayed, so I'm drinking Coke and I'm drinking more Coke. I'm a little lamped up.
And then suddenly I start to feel hypoglycemic and a little lightheaded.

Speaker 2 And I thought, you're thinking, where is this going? Like,

Speaker 2 if this keeps extenuating. Then you scare yourself.
Yeah, and then I may not be able to go on, you know, so, but then I just shook it off like a man.

Speaker 1 You took a poop in your pants and you got up there like a good performer.

Speaker 2 Well, did you ever poop your pants in grade school? I'm sure you did many times.

Speaker 1 Listen to this. I told a legitimate friend of mine

Speaker 1 who said driving to my house after lunch. He goes, oh my God, I didn't like that place.
I go, you didn't? I thought it was pretty good. No, he goes, I shit my pants on the way home.
I go. I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 Aren't you 44 years old? And he was not surprised. And I go, have you ever done that before? And he goes, probably about once a month.

Speaker 2 I go, I'm sorry, what? I think you should get some medical attention. I'm sorry, what?

Speaker 1 Like you said, did you ever in fourth grade? I'm like racking my brain. Maybe I sort of have a handle on it since then.
I don't love it. Sometimes it's a cool thing.

Speaker 2 Once you turn nine, you were. Yeah, I go.
I got it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I got it. I don't pee.

Speaker 2 Did I say this on the podcast before? Car trips with my dad, the whole family, seven of us in the station wagon.

Speaker 1 Rice, Dana.

Speaker 2 Oh, Jesus Christ. And he was going to zephyr.
He'd call it Zephyr. We tried to get get to Winnemucca, Nevada, from San Francisco Bay Area.
Oh, we're going to zephyr.

Speaker 2 So if we'd stop at like, you know, Sambo's pancakes or something, he'd finish and just leave. So he didn't have time to go to the bathroom.
And then he wouldn't stop.

Speaker 2 Oh, I kind of could go to the bathroom. We're going to Pocatello or something.
Oh, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 What does Zephyr mean?

Speaker 2 Zephyr means just go fast.

Speaker 2 No lollygagging. By the way, is that a monster or still construction?

Speaker 1 I think we're going to wrap up because they're breaking my house.

Speaker 2 Hey, that's a cliffhanger. I'll tell you about the poop pants thing next week.

Speaker 2 Next week on Superfly.

Speaker 1 You know, I have a Z-Flex skateboard on my wall, an old one from the 70s, Jay Adams, and it's also called a Zephyr. And I never even knew that word.

Speaker 2 Oh, I think it's speed or

Speaker 1 so it makes sense for a skateboard.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 1 well, I'm

Speaker 2 President Brian. Relax.
Enjoy the podcast.

Speaker 2 I'm Brian. President Brian.

Speaker 1 Breathe in the podcast. Be mad at me.

Speaker 1 I like it. And the audience can't get mad at you because you're very calm and cool.

Speaker 2 You don't flip out.

Speaker 2 Well, we tend to go like this and that with presidents. And it was maybe a flimsy premise, but I'll be curious.

Speaker 1 No, I like it because Biden was underground, not coming out a lot. Trump is out there all the time.
I was wondering when you were just talking about this

Speaker 1 Canada guy coming out. I think that's what they call him.

Speaker 2 His name is Canada.

Speaker 1 Is it Carson? What is it?

Speaker 2 Yeah, something like it's Carson. No, I don't know.
It's Prime Minister of Canada.

Speaker 1 Is it Prime Minister? Okay, so he

Speaker 2 knows something else.

Speaker 1 Are there any meetings behind closed doors? I mean, what happened to the decorum of just meet the guy, hash it out, then you walk out. Hey, it went good.
He literally meets them and goes, sit down.

Speaker 1 And they're like, wait, right here? Like, everyone's here? And he's like,

Speaker 1 you're fucking up everything.

Speaker 2 We're going to change. They start going at it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I know. It's so crazy.
Trump,

Speaker 2 unless someone writes a book about it, because I read Bob Woodward's book, like, oh boy, we're going to get the back. We're going to get the real story about Trump.

Speaker 2 And all it was was exactly the way Trump's in front of the camera. So I don't think there's another Trump back there, but there is no filter.
He just says.

Speaker 2 He says to the guy,

Speaker 2 we're going to be a beautiful 50-foot state. He knows it got the guy elected because it turned on a massive patriotic swelling in Canada.

Speaker 1 I know, it really did. It flipped everybody.
They had like two weeks. And then I don't really know how it works up there because someone else told me yesterday Canada might vote again in a year.

Speaker 2 Well, if it's parliamentary, then it is that they go, you can go in and out. Like if we had that, Obama could come back.
You know,

Speaker 2 you don't have the terms that we have. But Canada.

Speaker 2 Trump's like, Joe, you're going to get a big, beautiful tax break. You get free military ticket carrier.

Speaker 1 We get a free pass to Disneyland. Throws in a lot of perks.

Speaker 2 I know. We'll see.
Hopefully, everything comes out.

Speaker 1 We'll give you when we open Alcatraz, like it's the new Disneyland. We're going to let all the kids in.
It's going to be a lot of fun. This is where we suffocate everyone.

Speaker 1 This is where the gangs jump other guys in.

Speaker 1 All right, I got to go. I think I'm in danger with this noise.

Speaker 2 Solitary confinement. That's what they call it.
That meant you were alone for a long time.

Speaker 1 Kids, you want to get in and try it one at a time?

Speaker 2 Let me close you in. You can see what El Capone did because he ate one extra biscuit.
They threw him in solitary.

Speaker 1 All right. Good one.
Thanks, buddy. That's it.
That's good. We'll talk later.
See you next time.

Speaker 2 Bye.

Speaker 1 This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.