SUPERFLY #66 - Kevin Nealon & Donuts IN STUDIO

Speaker 1 You know, when it gets colder, I always fall in the same trap. Heavy meals, too much takeout, and suddenly I'm like, why do my jeans hate me?

Speaker 2 I know. Yeah, me too.
I mean, I'll open the fridge in December and it's like half a pizza and an orange from 1997. Not a lot of healthy options, David.
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Speaker 2 Yes. Thank you for not feeding me the leftover lasagna for the 12th time.

Speaker 1 All right. Cold mornings, holiday plans, endless to-do lists.
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Speaker 4 All right. I know this is weird.
We've done this a long time but could i get a self just a picture of you yeah okay well your best look okay show them what that look is and they'll look back at me

Speaker 3 you poked it pretty hard you got it yeah well i had to mime it's combination

Speaker 4 well here we are you can see our whole bodies it's not an illusion or it's not

Speaker 5 are we dream boats no um are we have we're on a boat at least we're new we dream the same person that everyone accuses us yeah i was going through the comments Dana, and just blocking people.

Speaker 6 And no, I didn't.

Speaker 4 I go through other podcast comments and pretend they're about me.

Speaker 5 I compare comments of other YouTubes and go, oh, the people hated them. They're pretty nice to us.
That's good.

Speaker 4 My wife leads a little comment sheet, you know, that types it out every day. So I get comments on how I was.

Speaker 5 Oh, she does on the fridge?

Speaker 4 Yeah, it's like comments.

Speaker 5 It's called about your performance and said, that one guy looks stupid. You're like, was that about me, huh?

Speaker 3 That's funny.

Speaker 5 so dana i was on the road i know you're you were on the road

Speaker 5 by my stories about the

Speaker 5 uh what's it what's the tour called

Speaker 5 oh yeah i got a feel for it yeah so uh i was on the tour it just started we did new joysey

Speaker 5 new joysey and we did uh boston okay and then uh and i got some coming up in

Speaker 3 Omaha, Des Moines, and what?

Speaker 5 St. Louis.
Oh, that'll be good.

Speaker 5 Home of Nicky Glazier. I know it is a fucking grind.
And America, you know, I'm the biggest pussy, so please come out because for to get on stage, to limp on stage after all the travel, I know.

Speaker 3 It's like for the love of God. Do you know what I'm saying? Do you want to still do my act?

Speaker 5 I just want to get there and touch the mic and go, I did it. Let's go.

Speaker 4 But when I hear the roar of the crowd, you've been everywhere, man.

Speaker 5 So here's what happens, Danny.

Speaker 4 All right, so you would blow your brain.

Speaker 4 Or which flight?

Speaker 2 The hike.

Speaker 5 Heather went on this one. I was with Dan Levy, Catherine Blamford.
Heather went to just sort of supervise the children. So we go all the way out there.
We get one of these first class, right?

Speaker 5 But, you know, they kind of, you know, planes more than I should have checked with you.

Speaker 5 It's not the one that they say it's like a little small apartment.

Speaker 7 Well, no, it's domestic. Yeah.

Speaker 8 So it's very rarely a wide body.

Speaker 4 You know, do you know the difference between a wide body and a

Speaker 2 narrow body?

Speaker 5 Is it a seven?

Speaker 4 Two and two, not two, three and two.

Speaker 2 Seats, that is.

Speaker 5 Wait, so it's two on the outside, three in the middle? Can be a wide body?

Speaker 4 It can be, depending on how they configure it. So you were probably on a Max, one of those ones that tend to go,

Speaker 9 but it's all right.

Speaker 4 Super Max.

Speaker 5 Super crash.

Speaker 5 So I went on and I was in first because sometimes I do code, somebody's first. This leg lingo.
Goes to sleep. I did.

Speaker 5 This leg I get in first. But it was so squinchy.
I couldn't really camp out in there. It was pretty basic.
So it's just eight hours of reading Us magazine. And my monitor was on the Fritz, my TV.

Speaker 5 They're like, oh, yeah. And I go, and my Wi-Fi doesn't work.
So I'm really raw dogging it. How long can I read the VARF bag?

Speaker 4 Well, I have a fear of flying. And what's great is on some flights, I try to get on the Wi-Fi.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 4 And I try for like four hours.

Speaker 3 That's the first time.

Speaker 4 I'll be landing shortly. And all I did the entire flight was try to get the Wi-Fi.

Speaker 3 More like Tri-Fi.

Speaker 5 When I get on it, it goes, credit card, this isn't your, everything didn't match. And I'm like, and they're like, we're almost there, folks.

Speaker 4 You're wrestling with a robot. I mean, I want to give them my money.

Speaker 5 No, here's the thing. The Wi-Fi works when you sign up for it and you pay.

Speaker 10 Oh, it works perfectly.

Speaker 5 Then suddenly it's on the Fritz. Then it can't do anything.
I'm like, How did the money get there so fast?

Speaker 3 I don't get it.

Speaker 4 I don't get, I don't get on Wi-Fi when I want to pay is what I'm trying to say.

Speaker 5 Anyway, I'm saying I pay for it and then it won't go through.

Speaker 4 No, I know that's the worst. Okay, that's the double worst.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I'm rat five. So you made it.
So there I am. There I am in beautiful new joysey.
So I walk around, do a few bits, you know, on the street just to warm up. Yeah.
Anyway, shows fun.

Speaker 5 Great crowd. Next day, this is where it gets complex, Dana.
Stay close. I'm listening.
I have to take a ghetto little puddle jumper to go.

Speaker 5 It's only like a 39-minute flight, right so it's a puddle jumper well like a smaller plane you'd hate it you'd hate it i've been on every plane it's not props but it's a little skinny one and now where i go it'll be fun if we're on coach together jam together so i get on and they go oh you should get on first you know let's get on first bad idea you get on first to give the so you have luggage room right you've never been in coach i should show you i should

Speaker 5 start out in coach for years oh you've been there you remember yes so i get my bags up now i'm squinched and now we start the taxi i have a show that night so you get a itchy like let's go let's taxi let's get this thing right right so

Speaker 5 i'm like are we driving there there i'm like hey there's the airport oh no we're driving over here taxiing we're taxiing for one hour you would have really one hour yep and then we're sitting there and i'm like Everyone closes their window on the plane.

Speaker 5 That's a new thing. Open.
I want to see where I am in the world. Oh, we're still on the runway.
We're about five feet from the gate.

Speaker 5 And then after an hour, and people are, you know, they're putting this stuff in their butts in my face. I'm like, I don't, I don't really care about coach.

Speaker 5 This one was so tight and so these tight butts in front of me. So I go, okay.

Speaker 5 And then they go, hey, it's your captain.

Speaker 1 We got a little snafu up.

Speaker 5 Snap what? Snafu? Snafu up here. And he goes, we've got nine computers and eight of them are working, but the other one, I go, go for it.
Like, I'm like, I don't care. Eight's fine.

Speaker 5 I don't know what the ninth one does. I'm gambling.
It doesn't do a lot.

Speaker 5 But if we got eight that are pumping it out and working hard, and so he goes, we're just going to go back to the gate and check it out.

Speaker 3 Back to the gate.

Speaker 4 That's a real.

Speaker 5 And

Speaker 5 you know you're fucked when he goes.

Speaker 5 Actually, we're going to have you grab your stuff and get off the plane just while we figure this out.

Speaker 4 Well, that's better because sometimes you sit on the plane. Mayten is going to check it out.
So you see a guy in an orange jumpsuit with a wrench, goes into the cockpit, comes out.

Speaker 4 He's sweating and he's shaking his head like this as he walks out.

Speaker 12 And he goes,

Speaker 3 get off.

Speaker 6 I'm not giving a lot of confidence.

Speaker 3 He's got him. I don't know.

Speaker 10 He's going, Is it righty, tidy, lefty, Lucy?

Speaker 4 I don't know, man.

Speaker 5 So I get off and I feel better than I'm off, but I go, We got to rent a car and go. You know, we got to just go because my flights, you know, I got to get to Boston.
I cannot disappoint Mike.

Speaker 4 You went for the car thing.

Speaker 5 So we start calling a car, and then they go, Well, it looks like we found a plane. We're going to get on in a half hour.

Speaker 3 I go,

Speaker 5 It's cutting close. And then they go, Well, our plane's, it's, it's, it's leaving from Charlotte soon.
I'm like, oh, so it's not here. So what was that story?

Speaker 5 So we see a pilot and we go, dude, cut the bullshit. Give it to me

Speaker 5 right down the middle. Is this plane going to take off or should I get in that car? He goes, I'm one of the pilots.
They usually, if they say a plane's coming, we're going.

Speaker 5 I'm like, okay, because our window's closed now for a car. So we wait.
About an hour later, they load us up. Hour of taxing, get there, beep, bop, boop, bop, bop, beep, this and that, that and this.

Speaker 12 Run on stage, crush, crush, kill, crush, crush, crow, crush, standing hose, standing hose, standing hill, standing hose, kill, kill, crush,

Speaker 4 jump and kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, standing.

Speaker 5 Everyone's shooting off bottle rockets, rolling candles.

Speaker 5 Anyway, great show worked out.

Speaker 5 And

Speaker 5 that's a story that could have been 20 seconds.

Speaker 4 I have a 20-second one. So my wife and I are in Paris, metaphorical cigar.
We don't travel ever. And we're going on an A380.
It's like a, you know, basically a shopping mall with wings. It's so huge.

Speaker 4 And they drive you out in this car and they're playing music. And we go up on the gangway.
And it's French. It's Air France.
So a guy's like Maurice Revalier for you older folks.

Speaker 4 He says, a charming French guy. And he meets us.

Speaker 10 We are pretty much probably going to take off, but right now we have a mutants problem.

Speaker 10 So I suggest you go back to your lounge and come a litter.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 9 guess what?

Speaker 4 They fixed it and we went. And I was not happy on the climb out.

Speaker 5 The climb out. Is that when you leave and go like that?

Speaker 4 Well, once it's the first 20 seconds are the most dangerous part of a flight. So you just, you know, you just wait.
If you go to two minutes, the odds go to 20 million to one.

Speaker 4 So I just allow myself to be nervous.

Speaker 5 After how long? Two minutes?

Speaker 4 I asked my, I allow myself to be nervous for two minutes. I count from one to 120 back to zero.
And then I just go, fuck it. Yeah.
And then this is before I go to the airport, though.

Speaker 3 Sorry. Good night.

Speaker 5 Boom. But that's it.
So I did that, got back.

Speaker 5 My voice was a little low, and we had Larry David today. And I go, he better not think I'm sick.
He will flip the fuck out.

Speaker 5 I'm not sick, guy. It's called being super fucking tough.

Speaker 3 That's what he says.

Speaker 12 He does.

Speaker 4 I don't think he's phobic because afterwards, he was so great. I just spit my palm in front of him.

Speaker 3 Put it there, pal.

Speaker 3 And he did. Yeah.

Speaker 4 It's a big handshake.

Speaker 3 He wanted to wrestle out there. I'm like, wrestle? I don't wrestle.

Speaker 5 He's like, no, just grapple around a little bit, take our shirts off.

Speaker 4 He gave me the whiskers, like my dad. He got on top of me and he's like, rubbing it.

Speaker 5 Oh, that's fun.

Speaker 5 You know what the most embarrassing part of that is?

Speaker 3 This is nothing. This did not happen with our friend Larry David.

Speaker 10 No, no, it didn't happen.

Speaker 4 This is Jerry Seinfeld coming into Superflight just to say, no.

Speaker 5 He was great, though. But he's on Flying the Wall right now.

Speaker 4 He's literally on as we speak. He's on there.
And

Speaker 4 he had two

Speaker 4 purple purple nurple he had two tomato boom booms at the desperate sponge

Speaker 4 i've done these cars and things for the last three years it's working i've got desperate sponge and i have not been able to beat it but i have one i'm going to try right now in superfly that doesn't beat it but for some reason it really makes me laugh I had two double daiquiris at Banana Dan's at the prickly pudding.

Speaker 4 Banana Dans is funny, right?

Speaker 3 I know that's a quicker one. Because Aaron laughed.

Speaker 5 No, it's funny.

Speaker 3 Sorry.

Speaker 5 Listen, by the way, it sounds chaotic, but we have our buds coming in here to jump in and join for the news. Because I just like, I'm more amazed, even though our stories are dumb.

Speaker 5 I'm more amazed we're both sitting here and we get to show our whole hands and buy. It's fun.
Right.

Speaker 3 We're showing our legs, feet, hands.

Speaker 5 You get to see the carry underwood calves I got going on here.

Speaker 4 I'll just say it. Gap.

Speaker 4 Brooks, Brooks. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 Dana Daniels. 10 years old.

Speaker 4 10 years old. Or Banana Republic.

Speaker 10 Banana Republic, stolen, Levi.

Speaker 3 Whole outfit?

Speaker 3 How much is this little cutie?

Speaker 3 Whoops.

Speaker 5 Don't give yourself lace.

Speaker 4 Don't be jealous.

Speaker 3 It's so cold with a solid diamond.

Speaker 6 Oh, it's a Rolex.

Speaker 3 Whoops.

Speaker 5 No, I have one good watch, and our mystery guest is coming down the stairs. One of our old buddies.

Speaker 4 Oh, this is fun. We do have a mystery guest.
Yeah. Okay, so we're not going to advertise.

Speaker 4 We've not advertised our guests and

Speaker 3 hue it is.

Speaker 3 Oh, no. Carol Channing will be here in a minute.

Speaker 5 Yeah, as we stare at the door now like two puppies.

Speaker 4 Brooke Shields.

Speaker 5 Oh, I tell you, we got to get Brooke Shields on.

Speaker 9 She's great.

Speaker 12 I flew with her once.

Speaker 3 I hear Heather yasping in the hallway.

Speaker 4 It's our mystery guest.

Speaker 3 Hey.

Speaker 10 Interesting.

Speaker 5 We're going, Kev. So just come sit down or whatever.

Speaker 4 She's just rolling. You're just walking into television.

Speaker 5 Careful. This is like the tonight's show.
Let's bring out our first guest.

Speaker 5 Hey, what's up? Good to see you, bud.

Speaker 4 There it is.

Speaker 4 Kevin Nilong.

Speaker 5 I brought you guys a little gift. Oh my God.
That's the first time no one brought us.

Speaker 3 Whoa.

Speaker 5 Anyone try these fucking chairs?

Speaker 10 I said Kevin is nice.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 4 He's a properly sized one for one.

Speaker 9 I told him to to give you space.

Speaker 5 Yeah, they got a fucking box of groceries for some reason over there.

Speaker 5 All right, you're fine. So what is this stuff? Let me see.

Speaker 13 That is

Speaker 3 little cream puffs.

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Speaker 15 No one else in the room, plenty of pot and booze, and nothing planned. This is a show where I get high talking to someone I'm interested in to get to know and to laugh with.
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Speaker 5 We just show his clips on the internet, and we'll see.

Speaker 16 I'll tell you right now, I would not join a modern-day hunting party of men because the question is: 100 men versus one full-grown silverback gorilla.

Speaker 4 No chance.

Speaker 16 And there are people out there like this that are saying that 100 guys would win.

Speaker 14 And no, no, they wouldn't.

Speaker 16 No, just flat out no. A gorilla's skin, you can't bite through it.
Are there bones? Somewhere between them.

Speaker 5 There goes my plan.

Speaker 13 Learn that the hard way.

Speaker 3 As ours.

Speaker 17 Their hand, like their grip

Speaker 3 is so their grip

Speaker 3 you could talk

Speaker 3 could make you jizz in two seconds they could you know if if they came at him one at a time this is what you're fighting they wouldn't win the gorilla win but i think if they all jumped on him at the same time

Speaker 3 and poked his eyes out

Speaker 4 yeah i think that the trick is the eyes are the nuts i think if the gorilla just put its giant arms down just sat back and went go ahead your best shot sorry substitute yoda how do you do a gorilla talking kevin uh well here's what i would do Let's say you were onto something.

Speaker 13 Spotty was onto something. You take the balls and you shove them in the eye sockets.

Speaker 14 You cannot see through balls.

Speaker 3 You cannot see through balls.

Speaker 3 So then he's blind. You can't see through mind.

Speaker 11 I'll tell you that.

Speaker 3 What did Hansen say about a gorilla?

Speaker 12 Well, you know, let me tell you something,

Speaker 3 Hans.

Speaker 13 You know, there's no maths for us. You know, you get us in the jungle and we just go

Speaker 13 crazy.

Speaker 4 April humans were not a primitive primate.

Speaker 5 You don't need 100, you need two. You two, Hans and Franz.
You have no.

Speaker 13 How many guys would it take, though, to take down a, let's say a chipmunk. Let's start with a chipmunk.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 A chipmunk. You're going to get a ground score

Speaker 3 first. Yeah.

Speaker 5 And then you work up. This guy, here's what would happen.
You're right, Kevin. The strategy is

Speaker 5 I'd start with a push fight. Just let the gorilla get a feel for him, you know? Yeah.
Okay. He is pretty strong.

Speaker 5 His skin is tough.

Speaker 5 Okay. And then I'd tell everyone else to go first because he's going to get winded.
I mean, if he's just plowing through guys,

Speaker 1 it's hard.

Speaker 5 You need everyone to go at once, like go. And then everyone grab an arm or something.
It's just, but it's too tough.

Speaker 13 It is too tough. Well, you know, they say to get rid of a shark, you just punch him in the nose.
Yeah. So maybe that works with a gorilla, too.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 How about this guy?

Speaker 13 I think we should try it.

Speaker 4 One foot or maybe 18 inches of water or maybe two feet of water, great white and a gorilla fighting in two feet of water.

Speaker 13 Okay, I got the plan.

Speaker 5 Where's Mr. Beast?

Speaker 14 I got the plan right here.

Speaker 5 He'll put this together.

Speaker 13 I don't know why we didn't think about this earlier.

Speaker 13 Yeah. You have some kind of ether,

Speaker 13 you know, and you put it over his nose and mouth and knock him out with the ether, you know, with a bag of like, you know, a cloth, ether, put it over, and then he's out and they just stomp on him, I guess.

Speaker 4 I'd say a hundred guys with

Speaker 7 chainsaws.

Speaker 4 A hundred guys with chainsaws versus the gorilla.

Speaker 13 I guess they're saying you can't use any kind of weapon.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I would think you don't even have to say that.

Speaker 3 Please, this is new rules.

Speaker 11 Okay, people.

Speaker 7 Okay.

Speaker 3 100 guys with We change. I can't.

Speaker 11 Sorry, okay.

Speaker 11 Okay.

Speaker 5 Is this worth it? Let me see.

Speaker 4 Mathematician who refused to accept a Fields medal and the $1 million clay prize.

Speaker 5 Yeah, he wins a prize and they give him a million dollars.

Speaker 4 That looks like Bill Hayter in makeup, right?

Speaker 13 What is a million dollar clay prize?

Speaker 3 I don't know. Play it.

Speaker 13 Let's see if it's worth a shit. I don't know.

Speaker 5 Oh, he's not interested in money or fame. I don't want to be on display like an animal at the zoo.
I'm not a hero to mathematics. Ah, finally.

Speaker 8 You're disturbing me.

Speaker 13 I'm picking mushrooms.

Speaker 5 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 8 This guy's that surprise and he just rejects it.

Speaker 7 Is that yeah?

Speaker 5 He's old school. He's like, I just do math, dude.

Speaker 5 I'm not trying to be in Goodwill Honey.

Speaker 3 Man,

Speaker 13 what are your favorite heroes of mathematics?

Speaker 5 Oh, I've got a lot.

Speaker 11 You got to start with Newton.

Speaker 14 You got to start with Newton.

Speaker 3 You got to start with my car.

Speaker 5 He is Isaac Newton.

Speaker 14 And if we knew another mathematician, we would say

Speaker 3 Einstein.

Speaker 4 Karl Marx was an incredible at arithmetic.

Speaker 13 Oh, yeah, and and a great comedian, too.

Speaker 11 Yeah, he had an abacus.

Speaker 1 I'm okay. Thanks for running over to me.

Speaker 3 Were you good at math and high school? I was very good at math.

Speaker 4 This guy's a whiz kid.

Speaker 5 I was a whiz kid. But,

Speaker 5 you know, I got out of it. I think I hit a wall.
Something stupid like geometry didn't click with me. Yeah, yeah.
All my scholarships went down the drain.

Speaker 7 That was the only one I was good at, was John Trevor.

Speaker 5 Oh, meet mop, square peg.

Speaker 13 I like that the best because I'm good with pictures, you know? Oh, yeah. But there's numbers I'm not good with.
Pictures, yeah.

Speaker 9 Were you good at multiple choice?

Speaker 13 Yes, for the sad. Can I give you one?

Speaker 4 Yeah. Okay.
What doesn't belong here?

Speaker 2 Apple, pear, banana, tank.

Speaker 13 What kind of banana?

Speaker 3 Is it Chiquita? Here's a trick question. Yeah, it is.

Speaker 14 Is tank the name of a fruit?

Speaker 5 Kevin was shocked when he said, if math was more pictures than numbers, he would have been great. I would have.
Turns out it's so much more numbers, I think.

Speaker 4 What's your top five worries in just your personal life? Climate change in the mix.

Speaker 5 Kevin, is your number one worry? You're so

Speaker 13 my number one worry is that gorilla.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Is it if it's that gorilla they showed, I would be scared. But go ahead.

Speaker 13 How about a thousand men trying to take it down?

Speaker 5 How about me taking on a hundred gorillas and let's see what the fuck's going on?

Speaker 3 You're talking. How about one gorilla? Yeah.

Speaker 13 Well, I think, you know, the top five worries, I think, for everybody is, except for Spade, is financial.

Speaker 3 Financial.

Speaker 3 And then health.

Speaker 3 Right. Right? Yeah.

Speaker 13 And then your car.

Speaker 4 They always say invest wisely.

Speaker 5 And then bags under your eyes. Bag eyes.
That's one of mine.

Speaker 3 And then any kind of rapper. Thanks, Tunnel.
Thanks, comments. Corporal tunnel.

Speaker 4 Did you, honestly, no joke? Did you sleep on your face last night?

Speaker 5 Someone called me a pound puppy. That's what people say.

Speaker 4 I'm sorry.

Speaker 5 You know those old pound puppies? They have dogs with big, droopy, baggy eyes. Yeah.
I'm going to Brad Pitt's guy, and I'm going to say, take a samurai, do whatever you want.

Speaker 13 Why Brad Pitt?

Speaker 8 he?

Speaker 5 I don't think he just looks good. As anyone looks good, I want to.

Speaker 13 Do you use a CPAP machine at night?

Speaker 3 Do I? Yeah. I do not.
Do you want me to?

Speaker 14 It's kind of fun. What does it help?

Speaker 13 It helps if you're snoring or if you wake up with

Speaker 13 sleep apnea where you could gasping.

Speaker 3 How do you know you have it?

Speaker 13 Oh, you'll wake up.

Speaker 3 I do it. Yeah.
I do.

Speaker 4 You wake up and you're gasping? Yeah. I do that.
Oh, what if you wake up and you're kind of like, that was a sexy dream?

Speaker 6 You don't have apnea, right?

Speaker 5 Oh, no, no. Have you ever wakened up with a boner?

Speaker 3 Let's look at a clip.

Speaker 3 Not mine. That's me.

Speaker 4 By the way, like these two guys, because we just didn't hear it together, like Kevin's rhythm comedically and yours, just there's symmetry there.

Speaker 3 I mean, it's kind of nice.

Speaker 4 But who came different?

Speaker 5 Oh, Kevin.

Speaker 4 By the way, we can mention it here and mention it later.

Speaker 8 Kevin is shooting a special

Speaker 6 at the Irvine Improv.

Speaker 4 Great room.

Speaker 13 Great room.

Speaker 4 Incredible. What are the dates?

Speaker 13 The date's going to be May

Speaker 13 10th.

Speaker 3 May 10th Saturday at the Irvine Improv.

Speaker 13 And I, you know, two shows.

Speaker 14 Two shows 6 and 8.30.

Speaker 4 Irvine Improv.

Speaker 13 Tickets are going very quickly.

Speaker 5 Not really. Low ticket warning.
No.

Speaker 5 No, Irvine does fill up. And it's such a good comedy crowd.
They're really good. Get comedy.
Yeah, people should check this out because Kevin, I've been watching for years and years.

Speaker 5 And always guaranteed funny. I see you doing even practice sets at the Improv Killing.

Speaker 4 Kevin Ian is everybody's, all the comedians know. He's one of the all-time great.

Speaker 5 Everybody's friend's favorite comedian.

Speaker 5 Nate Bergatzi goes, I'm everyone's mother's favorite comedian.

Speaker 3 Yeah, right.

Speaker 11 Is this,

Speaker 4 do you feel like you're at the top of your game?

Speaker 11 Coming in, I'm at the top of my game.

Speaker 3 I feel like an athlete.

Speaker 13 I'm at the top of my game, and it is downhill after this. I'll tell you that.
But I'm telling you, I've been working a lot on the road lately, and I'm, I've got to be honest with you.

Speaker 14 I'm kind of funny. I'm kind of funny.

Speaker 3 Oh, you are.

Speaker 13 Yeah. And

Speaker 13 I can't wait to do this, actually. I'm really, you know, I used to, I did other specials before and I was kind of worried about it.
You know, you did the exact same thing each show.

Speaker 13 But now I'm just going in. I'm having fun.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 It's such a mind thing. It is a mind thing.

Speaker 4 Let's keep talking. Okay, keep talking.
So we're talking about Kevin's special. Tickets are going very, very fast.

Speaker 5 Irvine Improv. May 10th.

Speaker 4 Irvine Improv. And he's at the top of his game.

Speaker 4 It is like an athletic thing.

Speaker 13 Scotty, I got to tell you this.

Speaker 13 I've been doing a lot of research on specials. I've talked to Dane about this.
And I've been going on Netflix. By the way, there's like a thousand specials on Netflix.

Speaker 13 So I don't think they're specials anymore.

Speaker 13 So I'm looking at different backdrops that people are using, you know, to get an idea.

Speaker 13 And then I came across yours.

Speaker 13 And I thought, well,

Speaker 13 let me hear what Spade does in his act in the beginning. Let me see how he gets into it.

Speaker 13 And you did a bit that was exactly the way the bit I was going to do in the beginning.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 13 And I thought, oh, my God, that was like my, that was my coming out of the gate, get him on my side, and then I could just cruise for the rest of the show.

Speaker 4 And what is the bit?

Speaker 13 The bit is, I just do a truncated, but he really milks it. He's got a better, better way of doing it.
But I say,

Speaker 13 so I'm outside, right? I'm out in front of the club, and I'm talking to this woman. I don't know who she is, fan.

Speaker 13 And

Speaker 13 she's one of these people who likes to announce that she's a hugger before she hugs you. Oh, yeah, I am.
She says, I'm a hugger. And I say, well, I'm a kisser.

Speaker 13 She wasn't a hugger anymore. And then I go on.

Speaker 3 But so I'm watching the spades thing.

Speaker 3 Good quickie.

Speaker 5 Oh, shit.

Speaker 4 Is that your special?

Speaker 5 It was kind of because it was during COVID.

Speaker 5 I'm a hugger.

Speaker 13 She's an ass grabber.

Speaker 4 So just absolute, sometimes it happens parallel. Yeah.

Speaker 13 Yeah. I mean, there's so many comedians out there now.
I mean,

Speaker 13 people are, a lot of comics are doing the same hunks, same topics. And I'm going through these things.
I'm thinking, okay, got to get rid of that.

Speaker 3 No, got to get rid of that. Yeah.

Speaker 13 Got to get rid of that.

Speaker 5 It's your spin on it because back when we started, everyone had a 7-Eleven joke at McDonald's. But then I was like listening to Dennis Miller, and I'm like, well, he's not a hack.

Speaker 5 He's doing all of them, but he just does his version of it. So as long as it's your version of each joke, who cares?

Speaker 13 Well, I like the way you did my version of it

Speaker 3 really well.

Speaker 4 Yeah, you know, I remember that night you went and saw Kevin at the store and you go, he was really funny. His opener was great.

Speaker 5 I said, I have no ideas for a special. Then I saw him and I go, I have a lot of it.

Speaker 4 And then you said, all of a sudden, you had a new act. But you said you saw him there, and then you also saw him at the ice cream.

Speaker 5 No, I just did one. But you're going to, Dana was telling you about shots.
Dana wasn't happy with his shots.

Speaker 13 Yeah, he liked the cowboy shot.

Speaker 5 And so you try to go loose. Even this is like,

Speaker 5 it's really nothing, but it's kind of important. Well, let's like to show both of us.
So it's just like a more of a bullshit.

Speaker 4 Let's let them in on what the cowboy shot is. This is like, it started with Steve Allen, I think, or Carson, comes out for the monologue.

Speaker 4 If he had a pair of six shooters, you'd still see the bottom of the guns. So it's sort of like mid-upper thigh.

Speaker 4 And also then, if you gesture like, so I went to Nova Scotia, you could still see the hands in the frame.

Speaker 8 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 And so that's the shot you want to stay on most of the time. The special I did, for some reason, they didn't, they had eight cameras.
They didn't have that shot. They had head to toe or here or here.

Speaker 3 Tight.

Speaker 4 And here is good for horror films.

Speaker 4 But for comedy, it's editorializing. And when it's that Jimmy Kimmel, Fallon, they all do, Colbert, they all do that cowboy shot.

Speaker 13 You You should be a cinematographer. You're so good at noticing those things.

Speaker 4 You're thinking of that. I know.
I can't help it.

Speaker 5 Well, when you're a lot of sweating, like, oh, yeah,

Speaker 5 something comic. You're like, oh, this guy's working.

Speaker 13 I think just the title alone will bring people to my show. Oh, what is it?

Speaker 3 Okay, so I call it the title.

Speaker 13 Loosen the crotch.

Speaker 5 Loosen the crotch.

Speaker 14 Loosen the crotch. Hilarious.

Speaker 13 Mostly.

Speaker 3 I like it.

Speaker 11 I'm doing one too.

Speaker 4 It's called What's Up, Bitch?

Speaker 3 Oh.

Speaker 3 And who is she?

Speaker 4 I'm trying to stop yours. David, if your special wasn't dandelion, what was it going to be?

Speaker 5 It was going to be in-between benching.

Speaker 13 That's good.

Speaker 4 Actually, a friend of mine, Larry Bubbles Brown, is like just very funny. That was where I got the line from.
He wanted to name my special, Don't Laugh, Bitch. You're next.

Speaker 3 I don't mind that.

Speaker 4 Well, it's such a painting a picture of something.

Speaker 13 Spade, you're just called Dandelion? Yeah. That's a great title.
That's like Chris Rock's, you know, tambourine.

Speaker 5 I don't mind one word. It's kind of vague.
And it really kind of means, because in one of my bits, I say, I almost got in a fight at McDonald's. And I say, guys, I can't get in a fight.

Speaker 5 I'm a bit of a dandelion. I look tough on TV, but

Speaker 13 I will break easy.

Speaker 5 And then I think it's nigga title.

Speaker 13 But that's good, too, because you could kind of refer back to it. It says, well, that's, you know, when I did Dandelion.
Yeah. You know, as opposed to, that's when I did Loosen the Crotch.

Speaker 3 It's not the same.

Speaker 4 Don't you love when people refer to shows they do and truncate it? I knew a guy who worked on Save By the Bell and he wanted it to seem more fancy.

Speaker 11 He goes, yeah, that was when I was working on Bell, you know, and, you know, S-A-B-D.

Speaker 3 It's like Kirby Enthusiasm. Yeah, we worked on Belle.

Speaker 11 Yeah.

Speaker 4 But, you know, I was working on Dandy. You know, that was my dandy.
I know.

Speaker 5 Curb your enthusiasm went down to curb, but it could have just,

Speaker 5 it's easier than saying, I worked on enthusiasm.

Speaker 5 You tighten it that way.

Speaker 4 It's hard to do that. I don't know if they'd go Feld.
Yeah, we had a show called Feld.

Speaker 3 Sein Feld.

Speaker 13 You guys are two of the people I think I could sit and listen to the most and enjoy like like a conversation like in a booth at a diner.

Speaker 13 Not separately.

Speaker 8 That would be horrible. Right, because you can't get together.
But together.

Speaker 4 Well, you know, in Russia, because a guy, a Russian friend of mine said this, is like if they go for vodka, they always get a third. So they never have two guys going out.

Speaker 4 It's almost intrinsically kind of romantic, just two guys alone.

Speaker 3 What do you like? What do you like? What woman do do it?

Speaker 4 So they get a third. So right now we're in a third.
So if you say something funny, you might have two people laughing.

Speaker 4 If I say say something funny, I probably have two people laughing and then people in the background laughing really hard as well. Now, if David.

Speaker 13 That's the same policy I have for a threesome.

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 14 I mean, you don't want two, one-on-one. I did have a threesome.

Speaker 4 Have you ever done a two and a half thousand?

Speaker 5 You've had a threesome? I had one recently in college. Did I tell you this?

Speaker 13 Recently. When you just graduated.

Speaker 3 In college.

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 4 It was me, my buddy, and this other guy.

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 5 Listen, it was supposed to, one of us was supposed to be a girl.

Speaker 13 That was the first plan. That was the blueprint.

Speaker 5 And then it got nighttime. She flaked.
And I'm like, guys, it's all set up. Let's just run through it once.
Let's just grab someone. Let's just see if we get the beats down.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 5 Let's just

Speaker 5 drive rehearsal. And, you know, we got the candles.
It looks like a sting video. And so

Speaker 5 in hindsight, it seemed gay. Yeah.

Speaker 5 When I explained it to people, and then they explained it to me.

Speaker 12 It didn't.

Speaker 5 It was gay. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I'm sorry. There's nothing wrong with that.

Speaker 5 But some of the seams is, I guess, is out of it now. It's all just.

Speaker 13 Well, hindsight, got to be gay.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Hindsight.
That'd be a good name for a special.

Speaker 13 Oh, man. That would be good.
Hindsight. But then you got to put that word in there somewhere.

Speaker 14 Maybe you're not going to be able to do that. Oh, and you're asking.

Speaker 5 That's the hard thing of doing that is like a movie and then the title somewhere in it. It's not a rule, but it's kind of interesting that Dandelion was in it.
But I liked Dandelion.

Speaker 5 And then I go, I got to make sure I do that bit because I want to say it in there somewhere.

Speaker 13 What about these guys who

Speaker 13 have t-shirts printed up with their joke on it? And they got like a thousand t-shirts and they got to keep doing that joke. Oh, that's right.
Sell the the t-shirts.

Speaker 5 Who was the first one you remember that had merch?

Speaker 5 Vic Dunlop was mine.

Speaker 3 God, what a good memory.

Speaker 3 That's right.

Speaker 5 You know what it was?

Speaker 4 Him Thomerson. I'm just thinking.

Speaker 3 Eyes in the red.

Speaker 5 They were like, it was

Speaker 5 what people, well, you don't know. A bit from their act that would kill.
Yeah. They decided, oh, I'll bring up a suitcase full of these goofy eyes.
And then people laugh. They walk out drunk.

Speaker 5 They grab it for 10 bucks or something.

Speaker 13 The great thing about dandelion is you could just put that on a shirt and people like that anyway.

Speaker 5 And it'll be a skinny dandelion with a little band-aid on it, and the white parts will be my hair, and it'll say, Blow me.

Speaker 13 It's not bad. Oh, so it's not the

Speaker 13 overly ripe dandelion. Yeah, but I thought that's what they all were.

Speaker 3 No. That's how stupid I am.

Speaker 5 Yeah. Kevin's like, oh my God, no.

Speaker 8 That's good to be able to say, blow me.

Speaker 4 It's like, wasn't Howard Sternsburg coming all over you again or something?

Speaker 5 No, that was Tom Segura's tour.

Speaker 5 I'm coming all over the world.

Speaker 11 No, Howard Stern. Coming all over.

Speaker 10 So, how come we never did Hans and Franz t-shirt?

Speaker 4 I guess we couldn't back in those days.

Speaker 12 Hey, have you read The Girlie Man?

Speaker 5 Huh? Have you read The Lauren Book? I'm on page 800.

Speaker 3 Really?

Speaker 4 I just wait for other people to read it and then explain it to me.

Speaker 8 Have you read it?

Speaker 13 You read it, but my wife read it, and every morning she gives me a recap.

Speaker 8 Oh, really? Oh, that's good.

Speaker 13 So I might do that as a podcast, like as an Instagram

Speaker 13 every day, read it and just kind of give a little bit of a video.

Speaker 11 Oh, you should go on for a long time watching because I want to know what's in it.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 13 And she just photos.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Is there photos in it?

Speaker 8 A couple.

Speaker 13 Just me, though. Just a lot of different.

Speaker 4 He was always my favorite.

Speaker 3 Did you still draw Carl?

Speaker 7 Something about Kevin.

Speaker 3 Did you ever draw me?

Speaker 13 Not yet. It's interesting to see how many people got fired from that show that you didn't know got fired.

Speaker 4 Was it it was soft firing though, kind of.

Speaker 12 We talked to Taryn King about that.

Speaker 4 It was sort of like you're just not, you're never like, you're fired. It just sort of slowly get back.

Speaker 13 It's like Farley and Sandler.

Speaker 5 I didn't know that.

Speaker 6 Soft firing, right?

Speaker 13 yeah did you know they got fired i didn't know that i did not know that i knew it i found out about a year ago that they got fired me too yeah

Speaker 13 um because they were yeah we were we were doing that threesome and we was that you the third guy what school did you go to but that book it's it's pretty uh it's pretty interesting from what i'm hearing oh laurens yeah oh i'm sure yeah I heard it was really good.

Speaker 4 She spent eight, Susan Morrison, eight years on and off, ten years.

Speaker 5 She came on here and yapped about it.

Speaker 3 Really? That's good, yeah. Yeah, nice.

Speaker 13 Would you like to have a book written about you?

Speaker 5 No, because they don't like everyone's recollection. People are like, oh, in Arizona, my friend drove with you.

Speaker 5 You were sitting on a keg in the back of a truck all the way to flagstep, cracking jokes all the time.

Speaker 12 I'm like, wrong, wrong, wrong.

Speaker 5 Would never be in the back, would never be cracking jokes all the time.

Speaker 5 Keg, maybe. But it's always like stories that are like a

Speaker 5 it would drive me crazy if I was these super famous people that you have to read like all these things about yourself. And you know, some's true, some's not, but you just feel like an asshole.

Speaker 10 Okay, quick, pop quiz.

Speaker 10 It's 3 million to write the book.

Speaker 5 Banana.

Speaker 3 What was the question?

Speaker 3 Tank.

Speaker 4 You don't want to write a book, but they say, here's $3 million for David Spade.

Speaker 5 I know. Dana's thing is like, I'm about money and camera.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 5 you do my book. And then you say, absolutely not.

Speaker 3 Would you do it for this much? And you go, well.

Speaker 13 You know, I do this hiking show, as you know, because you were both on there.

Speaker 3 I was on it twice.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 13 And often people go, who was the most

Speaker 13 of a handful

Speaker 13 on your hike?

Speaker 13 And I said, well, you know, everybody's great. I said, no, if you're not a name one, I said, well, David Spade,

Speaker 13 David Spade

Speaker 13 finally agreed to do it after two years of me.

Speaker 4 Because he said the sun might blind him.

Speaker 13 No, he said that, okay, I'll do it, but it's got to be in between rush hour traffic. And it's got to be totally flat.

Speaker 5 I got it. I got to be flat.

Speaker 13 It's got to be flat. And I got just a trail.

Speaker 5 It was totally flat.

Speaker 3 You fucking assisted. And we were walking.
Nope.

Speaker 13 And all of a sudden he stops and he goes, Are we going uphill?

Speaker 14 It was like a 1% grade. I could feel it, he could feel it, and he had to have food, feel my neck.

Speaker 13 I had to have a picnic, you'd have to have a picnic halfway through.

Speaker 5 Poor Kevin, first of all, I did say I did suggest that Kmart parking lot on third by the grove. I go, it's funny, it's flat.

Speaker 12 Okay, all we're gonna do is talk.

Speaker 5 Do we really need to beat the shit out of me? And he's like, Yes, we do.

Speaker 8 This is very legit.

Speaker 5 Part of it is the effort, kind of no, anyway. So, then not in your episode, not big on effort.
And then, but

Speaker 5 I was thinking, what a puss I am. He's holding a camera, right? And you have all these waters for me and you to make sure a little trail mix for me when I blackout.

Speaker 5 First aid kit for when I get bit by a snake.

Speaker 12 So we're walking up and I'm like, this poor guy, and didn't even bother you. You were just like, well, it's flat.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Well, you're still holding stuff.

Speaker 13 Do you ever wonder what people say about you at your

Speaker 13 memorial?

Speaker 5 I know. It's kind of sad, but I do think about it sometimes.

Speaker 13 Don't you wish you could have a memorial before you die?

Speaker 8 I feel.

Speaker 3 That's called a birthday party or something.

Speaker 14 I know it's called something.

Speaker 3 You're right.

Speaker 5 You know what? You know, you're getting old when someone goes, how old are you? And you go, blah, blah, and they go, eh, still kicking.

Speaker 5 Am I that close to not kicking anyone?

Speaker 13 The worst is when they say, you know, you look good for your age. So in other words, you're really old, but you look good.

Speaker 5 But you're pulling it off. I know.

Speaker 4 I used to tease Sandler. I don't do it anymore, but I would always say, so you're what? And I would knowing I'm saying like six years younger.
Yeah.

Speaker 8 She's like 34 right now, right?

Speaker 3 And And goes, oh, Carmen, you saw my bitch.

Speaker 9 You know, it's like, he's 40.

Speaker 10 But always go older.

Speaker 4 Like, I just tell people I'm 87 because

Speaker 4 I just want to be shocked.

Speaker 11 I want them to go, what?

Speaker 13 I like to go up to muscular people that I know. I go, so when did you stop working out?

Speaker 5 It's so great.

Speaker 8 And you get them in a headlock.

Speaker 5 Here's one I think we shouldn't do as a society. This is pretty heavy for everyone.

Speaker 11 Interesting.

Speaker 5 But every time someone croaks, whatever, delicately put, there's, they put them on their Instagram, you know, and everyone says this really nice things.

Speaker 5 They should do that when people are getting toward the end. Like

Speaker 1 they should see that.

Speaker 5 I never got the thing about writing on Instagram to someone who's dead or someone's not there, and they write this long thing. That's for people to say, oh, what a good guy you are.

Speaker 5 They can't read it.

Speaker 5 So they would cherish it if they saw it before.

Speaker 11 Okay, let me have you.

Speaker 4 This is, I'm fascinated. I love that.
And I'm also fascinated on the general topic is people who have successfully faked their own death and disappeared on planet Earth. So

Speaker 4 if you were going to fake your own death

Speaker 4 and really had to get away with it,

Speaker 5 what would you do?

Speaker 13 You have five seconds. Well, I've done it several times.

Speaker 3 So I know

Speaker 13 people thought I was dead until I came on here.

Speaker 4 Your name is Vladimir Kortis.

Speaker 5 I know you did a show on the CW.

Speaker 14 I think I would.

Speaker 13 Remember, what's his name? DC Cooper or something?

Speaker 8 He jumped out of the camera. Oh, DB.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's

Speaker 4 probably successful he parachuted out probably and he

Speaker 13 faked his death he's still out there somewhere is he

Speaker 13 they say a lot of people are elvis i think i would have to do something with an explosion so that it would seem like there's no way i could have lived

Speaker 13 but um no questions well first of all you want to um leave everything at home so they would think that you couldn't go anywhere without your credit card or your passport or anything.

Speaker 13 Yeah, you'd have to leave it all there.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah. Oh, okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 13 And then

Speaker 13 think um

Speaker 13 i think i would almost kill myself yeah do you know what i mean so i i could like come out of a coma later like in the middle of the woods or you could save amnesia or something yeah see i could i could convince people that i was dead without going anywhere do you understand what i'm saying i don't i don't either i'm a riffan um what about the lady that said she got she had an affair but she just came out and she said i was attacked i don't remember anything and she beat herself up

Speaker 5 they bought it for about 10 minutes and they go hey you want one you can have one i'm gonna have one of these these are mine now, but I'll give you one.

Speaker 13 Talk about gorilla testicles.

Speaker 3 Tasty.

Speaker 7 Good. Let's get that in slow motion.

Speaker 3 Titan in.

Speaker 5 Dana, you haven't had this many carbs in, I don't know how many years.

Speaker 8 I just don't.

Speaker 7 It would make me sick. I can't have that much.

Speaker 13 Isn't that jelly donut?

Speaker 8 Or carbs?

Speaker 8 They look delicious, though.

Speaker 5 Fucking shit, Kevin.

Speaker 13 This is expensive.

Speaker 4 Is it talking?

Speaker 3 This is nice.

Speaker 13 I could return two of them. They said if there's any unleft.

Speaker 3 Are they sponsored? Oh, really?

Speaker 2 Then they're going to sell them to the next guy?

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 11 Yeah, I it.

Speaker 13 Go ahead. Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 13 How would you make it look like you died? Well,

Speaker 3 it's a trickier question. I'm just sorry I brought it up.
I was a skateboarding accident.

Speaker 5 I went out to skate the desert pipes, and then I just disappeared. And they thought the coyotes got me.
And then people didn't know if they meant the coyotes that bring you over the border.

Speaker 5 And it was just so.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 4 This is mine.

Speaker 4 I would introduce to the world that I'm a long-distance ocean swimmer. And so for at least three months, I would go out there and I'd swim in the ocean.

Speaker 4 And then one day I would, you know, have hire some local bandits or whatever, have a rowboat. Bandits.

Speaker 4 And I'd just get in their boat and, you know, I'd take off my trunks and the flippers and everything.

Speaker 8 That's a great idea.

Speaker 4 And then I would just row to a window.

Speaker 5 You know what? Sleeping with the enemy. Remember that movie? Julia Roberts?

Speaker 3 That's a good clip.

Speaker 5 She swam off.

Speaker 13 She did. Yeah.
I'm more about leaving parts of my body

Speaker 13 so that they think that's it. Well, that's it.
Like I would take

Speaker 13 this is something I really have to sacrifice. No joke.
The lower, my jaw. I would rip that out so they have dental records.
They know it's me. Yeah.
And where's the rest of the body?

Speaker 13 It doesn't matter.

Speaker 5 Does a tooth count or they can't tell? They have to look at your whole jaw.

Speaker 13 Just the dental, the dental, I think.

Speaker 5 But like if you left a tooth, can they tell it's yours? Yeah, maybe. First of all, I'll put

Speaker 5 tattoos on all my teeth. There's like a bit.
And then they'll know I have that. Then I just leave one tooth.

Speaker 5 And then I want to go, you want to put that in there?

Speaker 14 Can I just put that in there and just keep it safe?

Speaker 13 I'll put this on top of here. You know, these are really sweet.

Speaker 5 I was on a date with this girl, and I go, hey, do you want the rest of this pasta? And she goes, I don't want the rest of anything. Just give me a new one.

Speaker 13 I was like,

Speaker 4 wow.

Speaker 4 How long did you go out?

Speaker 5 Dude, I faked the bathroom. I bounced.

Speaker 3 No, I didn't.

Speaker 4 That bought it. I just disappearing act.

Speaker 8 Like, I'll just be like, and then you just bolt ghost out.

Speaker 3 That's Roohoo Hoo.

Speaker 13 How do you, how far do you think someone was hustled

Speaker 13 as, you know,

Speaker 13 as a, you know, what is a record for hustling somebody like out of a club? You know how they hustle you out? You know, like they're throwing you out, but then they keep going.

Speaker 3 They keep hustling.

Speaker 13 Down La Cieneca, you know, out to the 405. They're still hustling.

Speaker 5 Down to San Vicene and then keep going to the 10.

Speaker 13 Well, the record is 30 miles.

Speaker 5 Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah.

Speaker 13 yeah the rec flat you would like it

Speaker 5 what joke did i think of yours the other day i always tell you the same ones i'm trying to think of different ones you always

Speaker 13 you always uh bring up the joke i used to do um

Speaker 13 you know i got a really nice camera it's one of those black ones that's because every camera was black back then i was like this

Speaker 8 back in the day

Speaker 13 that was good the the nestled in the hills the hotel and this is all memorial stuff you know that's you don't do it anymore huh you don't do those anymore no

Speaker 3 you don't no you don't keep stuff like that

Speaker 5 once in a while if i'm stuck in a jam i do the i do your jokes oh here's a good story i ran into david letterman yeah

Speaker 13 over the holidays and he could not be more complimentary yeah And I never felt like I knew him that much or that he was a fan of mine. But he was listing stuff.

Speaker 13 He goes, oh, that, you know, you did the

Speaker 13 Mark Twain thing for Lorne. You were the funniest one there.
Oh, wow. I love your hiking show.
I watch it all the time. Really good.
I'm not kidding. It's a really good show.

Speaker 13 And he goes, and then I keep quoting your joke,

Speaker 13 the Lincoln joke.

Speaker 13 And I go, what Lincoln joke? He goes, you know, the one where, you know, the one you do, the Lincoln joke? I said, I'm not sure which one you're talking about. You know, the Lincoln joke where

Speaker 13 it goes like this. You know,

Speaker 13 Abraham Lincoln used to walk to school every day in the snow.

Speaker 3 But

Speaker 13 what they don't tell you is he was late every day.

Speaker 3 I go, I don't, I don't remember that one.

Speaker 14 He goes, well, I've been giving you credit for it.

Speaker 13 So I thought, well, maybe I did do that. And then I thought, I'm going to do that again, man.
I'm going to do that next to my next set. So I go up there and I do it crickets.

Speaker 4 I don't personally get it.

Speaker 5 Because he walks so long, he's late every day.

Speaker 13 I know, but you don't, you know, you think he's a hero, but you know what?

Speaker 11 What has to be set up? Like, it was unbelievable.

Speaker 8 He walked in a blizzard every day.

Speaker 11 No, he said he got there. He was a hero.

Speaker 5 He had most absolutely.

Speaker 4 He needs a much bigger setups.

Speaker 14 Well, I'm just quoting him. Honey was really late.

Speaker 5 Yeah, we're fixing this joke. Kevin didn't even do it.

Speaker 4 I think our friend David Letterman misremembered it. I think he would have written it a lot better.

Speaker 5 I ran into him and he didn't read my resume.

Speaker 13 A friend of mine gave me a joke.

Speaker 13 A friend of mine gave me a joke that I was doing again at the beginning of my act. Yeah.
And I thought it was his. But it turned out that it was like a well-known old joke that's been around forever.

Speaker 13 And it goes something like this.

Speaker 13 And And then you can punch it up.

Speaker 3 There's a lot of those.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 8 I mean, it's like we don't know stock jokes.

Speaker 3 We don't know where they came from.

Speaker 13 Yeah. So this guy, you know, you really have to appreciate things in life.
You know, a lot of people don't. Like, I know of a guy, he has sex twice a day.

Speaker 13 He reads three books a week, and he's always working out. Yet, here he is, still complaining about being in prison.

Speaker 3 I mean, really? That's good.

Speaker 5 That's not yours, is it? No,

Speaker 8 that's a good joke.

Speaker 13 But I thought it was his. And so then when I Googled it and it's, you know, it's like

Speaker 13 a joke. Yeah.

Speaker 4 yeah it's not i have this joke that gets such a laugh i don't know why two irishmen walk out of a bar it could happen why does that get such a laugh i do it as george w bush they're all drunks right you got to give a name of the pub you know you got to give it like mcsorley's well if i do

Speaker 4 as a character it gets a big laugh oh you do the irish accent no i do george w bush i said he was a funny you know is it because they're all drunks

Speaker 4 the yeah the core knowledge you'd have to think is they never leave a bar because they're alcoholics but there's more teetotalers in Ireland than any other country, really?

Speaker 4 Yeah, but the ones who drink make up for it.

Speaker 13 They love their tea. The British people and English people.
Let's have a proper tea, huh? Can we have a proper tea? Yes.

Speaker 4 My mother-in-law is Irish, 94, and she's

Speaker 8 everything is tea.

Speaker 3 She loves a cup of tea.

Speaker 13 I'm the worst at British accents. I don't speak.
I don't think you are either. No.
I think you're worse at it. At SNL, when they had a table read, and everybody had to be British,

Speaker 13 Phil Harmon, everybody doing different

Speaker 13 places of England.

Speaker 13 And it comes around to me, all I could do is John Lennon.

Speaker 3 And everybody would laugh.

Speaker 5 Here's where I got to laugh because they go, you have to do German. And this one I go, German.
And then they go.

Speaker 5 And I think Mike Myers was Hitler. And they go to me, and I go, oh,

Speaker 5 my enough,

Speaker 3 then I got to laugh. I go, oh.

Speaker 5 So every time they get coming back to me, I fucking milk the audio out of it. It was like this

Speaker 5 cat.

Speaker 3 Cat likes some milk. I give it to him.

Speaker 13 Do you have any cats?

Speaker 8 Do you have any animals?

Speaker 2 Do I have any animals in this house?

Speaker 5 I have to have someone.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 5 I share a dog named Junebug.

Speaker 13 Junebug? Junebug.

Speaker 8 Nice. Bull dog.

Speaker 13 Cute. I have a great name for a dog if I ever got one.
That's a good idea.

Speaker 5 One of the names.

Speaker 13 Chowda.

Speaker 5 Chowda?

Speaker 13 Yeah, like clam chowder, but Chowda.

Speaker 13 As they say in Boston, Chowda.

Speaker 8 Yeah, that sounds so much like it. Chowda.

Speaker 13 Chowda.

Speaker 3 I like boss.

Speaker 4 Does anyone know what Chowda is?

Speaker 5 What's up, boss? Hey, boss. Irvine Improv.

Speaker 5 I keep

Speaker 13 on. May 10th.

Speaker 11 Do we have a chance? Yeah, I'm shooting my special.

Speaker 3 So what are we doing? Yeah, let's watch a couple more shows.

Speaker 13 Shooting my special called Loosen the Crotch.

Speaker 5 Loosen the Crotch. Where do you get it?

Speaker 13 Sixth and eighth or eighth. Irvine Improv.

Speaker 3 Oh, I thought that was a joke. Loosen the Crotch.
No. Well, that's great.
That's it. Okay.

Speaker 3 That is a joke. So you're taping it there.

Speaker 7 Loosen the the cross.

Speaker 13 You're taping it there, and then we'll see. Okay.

Speaker 5 So we're going to tape it to show up at the table.

Speaker 4 We're going to prompt it.

Speaker 5 A few more stories, and we'll bomb on these, and then we'll wrap it up.

Speaker 7 Tickets going fast.

Speaker 4 We'll fade out here, but the next thing you see is him doing

Speaker 5 low ticket warning isn't a bad name for a special.

Speaker 13 Oh, that's good. Well,

Speaker 13 Thana had the best title. Tell them your title first.

Speaker 8 Critics Choice.

Speaker 8 Critics Choice. Yeah.

Speaker 13 People think, oh, the critics love this, but no, it's the title.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 4 And then Sandler did Certified Fresh.

Speaker 4 Yeah. That was cool.

Speaker 5 Oh, for tomatoes. Yeah, for tomatoes.

Speaker 3 What are you calling?

Speaker 5 I've been in.

Speaker 4 He's on Amazon.

Speaker 5 Probably six Sandler movies, and combined, we got 100%

Speaker 3 rating.

Speaker 5 No, combined, we got about a 54.

Speaker 5 We got nine on grown-ups,

Speaker 5 eight on grown-ups, two. Great.

Speaker 4 You're still ahead of Master Skies.

Speaker 5 Master Skies. Who's tomatoes are harder to get than you?

Speaker 4 Got negative 19. It was so bad that they actually, Rotten Tomatoes, like 10 years later, 15 years later, rewrote the review because then they thought it was much better.

Speaker 4 And they said it was as if it was written by little children.

Speaker 5 Even if tomatoes turned themselves into ketchup, they were so embarrassed for that moment.

Speaker 2 Hey, David, when it comes to gifting, you know, I've learned there are two types of presents. Okay.

Speaker 2 The ones that get returned and the ones that instantly become a favorite. Do you agree?

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's Jenny Bird jewelry definitely falls in the second category.

Speaker 1 These designs, as you know, are very modern. They're timeless, always feel special.

Speaker 2 Oh, well, isn't that special?

Speaker 1 That makes them my secret weapon when I want to give a gift that really, you know, lands. That's why Jenny Bird makes it easy.
The packaging is beautiful.

Speaker 1 It's very thoughtful. The pieces are comfy enough to wear every day.
Yep. And they ship fast.
That's perfect if you're a last-minute shopper like me.

Speaker 2 That's right. I mean, I just want to do this when I hear that.
Way to go.

Speaker 2 Way to go. And because the styles are so versatile, they always make an outfit feel pulled together, David.
Without trying too hard, David, not talking about you.

Speaker 2 Some of my wife's go-tos are the best-selling Florence earrings, which I always get compliments, and the Remy Bengal, lightweight, water-resistant, and just as good stacked as it is on its own.

Speaker 2 These are the gifts you'll actually want to keep.

Speaker 1 And you can get 20% off your first order with Jenny Bird by visiting jenny-bird.com and using code F-O-T-W at checkout.

Speaker 1 This time of year, Cozy feels like the ultimate luxury, and Bombas is making it easy to get there. From socks to slippers to tease, Every piece is designed to make you feel instantly at home.

Speaker 1 I got to say, there's something almost magical about the fresh Bombas socks, and it doesn't stop there. Their slippers have the perfect sink and cushioning.
Their tees feel substantial and comforting.

Speaker 1 And all of it keeps that cozy feeling going day after day. I got the socks right here, actually.

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Slippers or tees for literally anyone on your list.

Speaker 2 Even your mom's new ski lodge friend. Bombus has something for every foot, every style, every occasion.

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Speaker 1 That's bombbas.com slash flywall. Code flywall at checkout.

Speaker 3 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 17 Sebastian Menascalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 3 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep

Speaker 3 coming.

Speaker 17 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers.

Speaker 14 Terms apply.

Speaker 7 If there was a sarin gas attack, where would you go?

Speaker 5 Oh, under the superfly sign.

Speaker 13 Do you have an earthquake? That's the right earthquake kit?

Speaker 5 It's got my headshot in it. It's got

Speaker 5 a couple of basics.

Speaker 1 You got a fire kit?

Speaker 5 Three triscuits and a slim JS Joe Durs in there.

Speaker 3 I hold like this.

Speaker 13 We've got such great food in our earthquake kitchen.

Speaker 5 Oh, what do you have? Some gourmet stuff?

Speaker 13 Well, not much now because I've been eating.

Speaker 3 Oh, you got to get into it.

Speaker 5 Don't get into the earthquake kit.

Speaker 13 Oh, man.

Speaker 3 I love it, man.

Speaker 5 What do you have in there, Spaghetti?

Speaker 13 I replaced it with just popcorn.

Speaker 3 It's like Styreborn.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 13 But, But, you know, people get those earthquake kits and stuff. And

Speaker 13 if they put them in the house, how are they going to get to them if the house is totally collapsed?

Speaker 5 I would like a buzzer that tells you where the earthquake is going to be so I can get to a part of the house that would help me because chances are you'll be in your car or whatever.

Speaker 5 They say this last one, the buzzer went off, but it only gives you eight seconds. Like everyone just goes like this.

Speaker 14 For eight seconds.

Speaker 5 Like, where are you going? What's the plan?

Speaker 13 No, no, no.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you yell, no, no, no.

Speaker 8 Yeah. Oh, boy.
Well, you weren't threatened by the fire.

Speaker 13 You weren't, Dana, because you live up. Nope, nope.

Speaker 5 North. No, it doesn't seem to be.

Speaker 4 Not a chance, but I haven't been there.

Speaker 5 Dana goes, I'm going to move so far. There's no fires out.
There's no fire. They don't know what fire is.

Speaker 3 We laugh at that.

Speaker 13 It really makes you realize what's valuable in your life.

Speaker 5 Yeah. What was it?

Speaker 13 Well, I was out of town.

Speaker 3 What's valuable?

Speaker 13 I can't remember. And the fire was coming close to us.
You know, we were in an evacuation, red flag area. And I called my assistant.

Speaker 13 I said, would you go to the house and get those external drives I have and my passport? She goes, Yeah, she got it.

Speaker 13 Fire is not getting to our house yet. You know, there's no evacuation notice.
So I called her back. Would you go back to the house and less and less valuable stuff?

Speaker 13 Will you go back to the house, get that Gibson guitar I have and that art set?

Speaker 13 And then it got to the point with, would you go back to have a mechanical pencil on the desk that I really like? You know, I like the way it writes.

Speaker 13 And there's a sandwich in the refrigerator that I made yesterday with Tunisal.

Speaker 13 And it goes on and on like this.

Speaker 3 Would you take the garbage out while you're there?

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Would you go back?

Speaker 4 It's just inconvenient.

Speaker 5 When you go back, hey, I know.

Speaker 4 Do me a favor. You know, could you get on a plane tomorrow, go to my second home in Arizona, you know, and check and see if the air conditioning is off.

Speaker 13 Do me a favor.

Speaker 8 Do me a favor.

Speaker 5 Do me a favor. I was on the road and I saw it.
This house right here.

Speaker 5 They had a mansion alert. You remember that? I have a mansion app.

Speaker 8 I hit that in the middle of the night.

Speaker 5 You know, Amber Alert, when that thing goes off, I'm more scared than the kid, just for that short time.

Speaker 5 All right. Well, our guest has been Kevin Nealon.

Speaker 13 I'm still Kevin Nealon.

Speaker 12 Oh, our guest is.

Speaker 3 There's your next special.

Speaker 12 Still Kevin Nealon.

Speaker 5 Kevin, Irvine Improv, May 10th.

Speaker 13 10, 10. Tickets are going fast.

Speaker 7 Tickets at

Speaker 7 Showtimes again.

Speaker 14 You can get them on KevinNealon.com.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 13 Or you can go to the Irvine Improv and get them on there.

Speaker 12 Irvine Improv. Great room.

Speaker 5 A lot of fun. You can eat right there at Javier's.

Speaker 3 Great drinks. Great place.
Paul. Cocktails.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 5 I love that place.

Speaker 5 so good luck with it and I'll see you here at the practice sets and uh let's hike it man let's go a little steeper next time don't be a puss all right all right I couldn't agree more all right I'm gonna leave and you guys you know leave in about five minutes

Speaker 3 okay bye guys

Speaker 5 This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman.
Hope you liked it.