Iliza Shlesinger

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Dana.

Yeah.

What do you got?

Well, we have eliza schlesinger today who is a comedian i actually see a lot down at the old clubs and colleges i play i have yeah she goes to the comedy store she's she works man she's she grinds it out like nikki there are these i'm not gonna say these women yeah it's just really these comics just grind it out and she's good i think i always see her kill i i follow her a lot she comes in because she does like three a night and because she's got a special coming out. You know this, the Amazon Prime special.

Oh, the one called Different Animal?

That's right.

March 11th, I think.

Amazon Prime.

And that's going to be a good one

because I've seen some of the stuff she's doing on it.

Yeah.

She talks, well, you know, she talks,

she's got so much great stuff

and she's had so many specials. She's been out there, books, specials, podcasts.
She does it all and it's all working. And we get to talk to her just about her process.
And I love that word, her process. She's someone who went to her first open mic and then was a headliner in clubs within three years, which is not easy to do.
Very hard. Took me a lot longer than that.
Took me three years to learn how to hold the mic. Three years, I had about 14 minutes.
I mean, honestly, you think you have an hour, you don't. No.
So she had a killer hour and 36 months of stand-up. She has a cool name.
We talk about how people just, you know, like I was always instead of Dana Carvey is Dana Garney. Horrible introductions early on in your career.
Yours was. Oh, I gave her that.
I gave her a bad introduction, too. I didn't even mess up the Schlesinger part.
There's a controversy about there was a big controversy. There was a big thing that happened between Eliza and David, and we talk about that, and we talk about what she wears on stage, her marriage.
It's a fun episode. I really enjoyed talking with Eliza.
Without further ado, here she is. He was like a John Belushi thing.
Yeah, you got it going. Oh, man.
He hated women. Oh, no.
John Belushi hated women. Yeah.
Yeah. he's like a john belushi thing yeah you got it going man he hated women oh no yeah yeah it's he's like famous for for quoting good start what do you i like pizza i like movies and i hate women he was he's famous he's famous for saying women aren't funny and i only think about that because journalists always bring it up and i'm like he's dead so guess I win.
Oh, quotes follow forever. Have you ever been like, you read something and Eliza said this, and it's completely made up? Obviously you have.
Not, or just like a half quote and you're like, I'm sorry that I said that like half a week on a podcast in 2010. Like, do I still need to remember my firm stance on dogs versus cats on a sandwich being a pita? Going out on a limb.
Literally. Pita had a good run.
I mean, that pita bread, that was a good bit for. Well, like stoner podcast people have to be like, oh no, is a tender McNugget, is a pita a sandwich? And you're like, the world's on fire.
I don't know. The world what's literally on fire literally i was gonna say it was too soon but when i said last night to someone well this is rude we'll take it out but i set up i said oh where do you live and they said and cino and i said oh did you get have any problems with what happened in the palisades they said no and i said oh even the fire doesn't want to go to the valley and they just stared at me and i go no but actually so it was horrible so everything okay i had to skim over it you know what i mean i'm gonna defend encino right here the first house ever are you gonna encino and i would go over the moholland hill into the hella hollywood hollywood party loves you? Go back to the country.
I'm defending, I'm going on record defending Encino. I like Encino.
Do you? The first TV show I ever shot, we shot it in Encino in like a mansion. It was like a reality show.
And I had no real reference for it. But as I get older, you're like, oh, that's where all the money in the valley goes goes like if you want to live like a millionaire in kansas city buy your house in encino and you can live like a person south isn't the nice version is it like closer to the mountain is better but it's on the flats but you want to be south of ventura you don't want to be in the crime ridden areas although they have their advantages and fun too.
Was this show called The Bachelor? No, it was called, you would only know this if you had trouble sleeping and or a coke addiction because it aired so late. Well, what was the subject of it? Let us see if we can guess the title.
What was the idea of the show? It was called Excused and it was like a dating show. People, and I was the host.
Oh, it is a dating show. People would date.
Oh, yeah. I did.
We did 230 episodes. Holy shit.
I have eaten. The bigger issue is that no one knows the show, but I have eaten at every single restaurant in Encino.
And Rosetta. Because you're out there.
I love it. Rosetta and Encino.
If there was a lunch special, if there was a sushi bar, I ate there. Who does two, what network was that on? How did I miss a 230 episode? It's like, it's like, I mean, it's like friends minus the money.
It was syndicated. It was CBS studios.
So it was picked up in all these crazy markets. Every once in a while, I'll get some like dude in skinny jeans.
That's like, I used to watch you when I was getting ready for my shift. Skinny jeans, I used to watch you.
Yeah. Before I go to Floodruckers, we always watch you.
Did you like it? It wasn't really for me. You ever get a backhand of compliment? I hear you're pretty funny, but it's not for me, man.
I saw some of your stuff. I stopped watching when you got married.
I stopped watching you. Oh, do they say that? Oh, it's it's okay you can take the go with the bed you get all kinds of weird compliments that i'm like look you would still love to have sex with me we both know it but thank you so much for buying this ticket and enjoy the improv enjoy the show i want to walk around with that attitude yeah you want to have sex with me we both know it we both want it uh you could we both want it but i am married and so it's tough but yeah but do women comedians who are photogenic let's put it this way attract the creep element more than the stud dudes that the men i guess i can't comment on more than uh because i but i think it's not even about being attractive i think you just as a woman you just like leave the house you're like here i am and then the universe is like well here's the list of weirdos that are going to make it tough for you but no matter what you look like so i don't even know if being attractive matters guys are just like hey's do this.
They'll figure it out later if you're attractive. They just need to get something going.
I mean, I've definitely talked to male comics, big male comics, lesser known ones that have. I mean, I think stalkers come in.
I think mental illness knows no gender. Yes.
That's your next special. A good hook good hooky title yeah because it includes everyone ali wong always slams when she gets on stage she goes like paulie shore brings her up she goes paulie there's so many girls that would fuck this guy's the grossest guy out there all male comics are gross and all these girls will fuck them it's so rude we're all in the in the back on now.
Here, here. I am.
Now, here, here. Let this meeting come to order.
Now, see here. Oh, I thought you meant here, here.
Like, aye, aye. Like, I agree with that.
No, I do like it. I say, here, here.
Yeah. I say.
I think most male comics would proclaim themselves degenerate scumbags. And I think they wear it proudly.
And you become a comic because you're like, look. Of course.
We can all agree I'm physically repulsive, right? But if you can make a woman laugh, I mean, it's disproportionate. We've all heard that rumor.
Yeah. And I always say music, I mean, comedy is like music where, what kind of comedy are you doing? It's like saying I like music.
It's too general. So you can make a girl laugh that's on their wavelength.
Like what kind do you like? Dry humor. Do you like goofy? Do you like, so sometimes you do sync up with someone because of that.
Of course. I mean, if that's your only, listen, I wasn't famous in high school.
There's nothing going on. It's just all trying to be funny.
That's all. And you're on a platform.
Go ahead. go ahead well i was gonna say what's weird just for a moment if i could i want to pull back the current well you said you weren't famous in high school but like and i don't i watched you guys in high school and that's what's crazy for me oh wow yeah yeah and like just shoot me chopping broccoli the church lady like i i mean i know all of your resumes and david sometimes some parts of the year you and i share a similar haircut but and and we're on many lineups together and dana i've never met you but it is very weird to finally talk to people and i felt this way when i met you david where you're like oh my god like you were my reference for so many funny things for all the sketches I wrote in high school.
And I mean, is that, that's nice, right? I mean, David, I probably never got to talk to you about this because we always see each other in passing, but like, I don't think there was any, one of the most impactful sketches was like the gap girl sketch. And Dana, like my mom bought me Wayne's World on VHS

as a surprise for a sleepover.

I memorized the whole movie.

Like you guys are massive bricks

in like a comedy fortress

that I've like built in my mind.

And so this is,

this is crazy.

I totally get that.

You know,

the things that I saw, like if I had met John Cleese, uh, at a certain day, I still, Oh, good. I want to wake up.
But I get it. If you're in your formative, I say six to 12 or 13, 14, that timeframe shows you watch comedian.
You see, so we get it. But of course, you know, now that we're just people people who were went to a club on a bet and then ended up on television we get it you don't can you kind of emotionally or mentally touch your fame and how much accolades and money you're making doing this is it or is it still a little bit surreal you're pretty young uh i There's, I, it is, it's grounding and surreal at the same time.
Like sometimes you look around and you're like, oh my God, like every stitch of everything in this really nice house is because I thought to make a joke about something. And then I look at all the things I don't have and I'm like, and you could be making more jokes and have nicer things if you got out of bed quicker.
I think we all are in the weird, you always look to someone that's sort of well-known and that you grew up with and you forget that they're sitting there going, I could do more. I could do better.
That's all you're thinking all the time is like, work on my act, work on this, try to get this going. Where are you at on the disciplines?

Because we've met different people on this podcast who really do workshop,

like Nikki Glaser, Jim Gaffigan.

It's an amazing thing. How effortless was or how hard was it for you to get a position on Stand Up Mountain?

Did it come quickly or was it a grind? I don't know. It came relatively quickly.
I think I got my position relatively quickly because I became like a solid touring headliner in 2008. And when did you start? I started when I was 21.
But 2000 what? Well, I graduated, wait, I graduated college. I started when I was a...
So I graduated college in like 2004, 2005. And so I did it for about three years.
Okay. Became a touring professional.
Wow. After...
That's fantastic. And this was, you know, it was when it was.
And so I was able to sort of become a headliner and bypass a lot of sexual harassment very early on. Shocking.
But I don't know. David could tell you.
I mean, he sees me out. I'm out when I'm not on tour.
I'm out every almost every night of the week. I mean, you're jumping club to club, right? Yeah.
And it's something that you think would like kind of like lighten up over time. But I'm about to turn 42.

And if I'm not on the road, I'll knock back like two or three sets a night just to just for the love of it.

You know, do you record always or do you just go and do it?

Do you remember it?

It's hard to remember for me.

I tend to if I do record, I have trouble listening back. So I tend to I tend to i can't yeah i'm like who wants to hear this this is awful uh i tend to listen back if it's a brand new joke like my new special is out on amazon march 11th and so i've already started different animal a different animal amazon prime amazon prime non-regular you can get, while you're watching me, you can shop for air filters, toilet paper, Chinese socks.
You know, this is kind of, this is inside baseball. I love that phrase.
But sometimes when you're trying to bit your setup just happens to be perfect. Maybe sometimes because it's a new bit.
And then if you don't record it or you don't remember you're like oh fuck it's not working as well what was that setup that yeah enter the joke perfectly you know yeah frustrating it's frustrating what i have done and i've i've done this i don't rely on this but i have a pretty close relationship like if you follow me you're a pretty decent fan i will put on my own instagram stories hey if you were at the eight o'clock at the theater tonight what was that thing i said about pigeons and people or i'll say it on stage i'll be like could somebody text that to me and someone always remembers it that's smart i crowdsource my own memories and phrasing i'll tell you liza i'm of all, I saw, we were on the same show probably three nights ago. But I have to say, when I do it, I don't know what's, I like to do new bits.
I record them. But it's almost worse to listen to them.
It's awful. Because it's so sickening that I have to make myself go, I recorded, I did it the right way.
I just have to hear it or write it down so I memorize, like, just the phrasing because it worked. And then it's so lazy, but it's something sickening about repels me to, and I have to, like, I do another show and I wait all day.
And then I go, I got to just hear it and go, that is how to do it. Okay.
But it's so hard to make yourself do that. It's hard to, I mean, I recently, you know, I got all the promo cuts for my Amazon special.
New special, right? I have to watch myself back and I have to take like a deep cleansing breath. Gross, yeah.
And it's weird. It's like, so this is something I wish on other people, but I can't watch myself.
Like there's something very, very removed about

all of it. Like you have the ego to get up there, but actually digesting yourself for yourself is

a weird existential kind of torture. And how long did you do your special tape it?

And then how, so you taped it and you said you're already working on,

do you want a full new hour or do you want mostly new before you go out or what do you want?

Yeah, I mean, the timeline to the average civilian, the timeline seems different than it is. And you guys know this.
By the time people see your hour, you've already been on the road and working because it's like a four-month time period between when you record it and when it's actually released. But even, yeah.
And even prior to recording it, you had jokes that didn't make it or jokes you were taking out that you still want to work on. So you're just constantly, the other night I actually got up and I seldom do this with just a list of jokes that I've written down that I haven't gotten to, and I just read them.
And then we'll just start with those little kernels. Just see what pops out.
You're right. And sometimes it's a bit of a trick.
Could you give us one of these jokes? Yeah, give us one. Sure.
Okay. Sure.
Sure. I want to explore the absolute rage that I feel.

I have to preface it by saying my husband is awesome.

We have a lovely relationship.

He wakes up at like 5 a.m. He gets our daughter ready.

He makes all of us breakfast.

He does everything.

He's elegant.

He supports women.

Like he's the best.

The absolute abject rage I feel toward him when he takes a nap. He needs it so he won't collapse.
So he'll live. There's just something too gentle.
I'm like, why don't you take your nap, you little gentle toddler? Why don't you take that little baby nap and rest your eyes? He's been up for 18 hours. He has to take a nap so he doesn't relax.
I didn't see this napping on your resume. I don't think we would have had a first date if I knew you napped all day.
He's like, I get five minutes a day. Just relax.
It's a one-hour nap, and I'm like, but what if I need to talk to you? So it's more about making fun of the unjustified anger. It's never an actual anger toward him.
That is funny that you're just enraged. You're not kind of bothered or a little bugged.
You're just furious is funny. Yeah.
I'm going to be like, hey, can you ask Noah a question? I'll be like, don't know because he's in the land of Nod. So I guess we'll just put our lives on hold while he naps.
Meanwhile, it's one hour. Everything's fine.
Is he on a couch publicly or is he in a bedroom with the door closed? No, he retreats to the bedroom and no one can go in there. Oh.
By the way, that walk of shame trying to, he's trying to, I'm getting mad too. I'm getting fucking pissed at this guy.
If I was at your house talking to you guys and he was quietly going in the other room like, where are you going? Where are you going? That's what he'd probably say. Where are you creeping off to?

I need you to-

Map time?

Yeah.

I got to talk to you about a conversation I had with a female friend.

Can you get back here?

Female friend.

With a female friend.

Here's what you tell your husband to say,

which will make it slightly funny and less annoying.

Oh, Eliza, I'm going to take to my bed.

That sounds like he's ill.

Like take to the water.

Or it's very regal. It's a king.
No, it couldn't be worse. Take to my bed.
That sounds like he's ill. Like, take to the water.
Or it's very regal. It's a king.
No, it couldn't be worse. It's worse.
Take to my bed. Take, that does sound like you're sick.
Yeah. Because I also remember you were in the road to Wellville.
So I wonder if that's. Oh, you saw that.
I did see that. Who was Dana? Yeah, he played like a mentally handicap person.
kind of a street weirdo guy. Excuse me? Who was, Anthony Hopkins was my dad.
And I got to hang out. I said unhoused.
I said unhoused. Yes.
It was an unhoused hobo. I got to hang out with Sir Anthony Hopkins or Tony.
But the last day there, I just had to see a hoppy. But anyway, we're close.
That was. We're close.
That was a thrill being with him. You know, just couldn't imagine anything more fun.
You played an unhoused bum. An unhoused bum.
Like when you combine the good and the bad. Creeping around this mansion in upstate New York and terrorizing Bridget Fonda.
Yeah, I actually have been to that. It's called the Mohonk Lodge.
Yes.

And it is haunted, right?

I mean, anything old is going to be haunted.

I mean, but we used to go there.

My dad used to take us there.

Really?

Wow.

When we were kids.

Yeah.

It's so random.

It's in-

Wait, Eliza, is it called Mohonk?

Yeah.

M-O-H-O.

And didn't we do a SNL retreat there?

Or no?

We did a retreat in New York in Mohonk. It's in, not Pell, Plattsburgh.
Platts, something. It's up there by Hudson.
It's like up there. Yeah, it's way up Hudson.
Dana, do you remember that? We all went, Eliza. All the cast members went up.
Yeah, I was there. What do you mean? I was in the cast.
I was on SNL.l you were there yeah i i didn't do a lot that year you could have been there for three seasons as a 10 year old feature player just never got on you could play the the junior high girl with the ponytail what's up you know uh dana i saw mindy kaling the other night at this little shindig.

And it made me think she does a Masterclass, you know, that's one of our sponsors. And it reminded me, Masterclass can really help you.
Like, they have great people on there. Oh, absolutely.
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But they have people like big stars. mindy kaling teach about comedy find your inner truth of rupaul we got amy poehler doing some improv i mean it's great stuff yeah they're great i love the way they're laid out they're all like uh eight ten minute videos uh it's part of the class.
Very simple. You see the person.

Yeah.

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Yeah, I think when you're trying to hire someone, there's a lot of different things you're looking for, but you want them to kind of have your aesthetic, your sensibility, if you were. You could look up those words, David.
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Terms and conditions do apply. I will tell you, I show my daughter's just turned three.
And so it's on me to show her what's funny. So I showed her a bunch of In Living Color.
And then I was like, you need to see this sketch. It's called Matt Foley, whatever he was.
And it was the one with you and Christina Applegate. Oh, yeah.
When he falls on the table. And I was trying to explain to her why that's funny when someone falls onto furniture.
And that took the funny right out of it.

Did she react to it?

I mean,

she's three.

Nope.

But she will,

she will ask for it in like six months.

She'll be like,

I want to see the furniture guy.

And then you'll be like,

I will pull it back up for you.

The furniture guy.

Yeah.

Does she watch Miss Rachel?

No.

Really?

Just never thought about it.

I thought that was the big hook.

No, but we watch a lot of Michael Jackson thriller on repeat, the whole video. Oh my gosh.
Wow. I mean, that's a little scary, right? It's monsters coming at you and stuff.
I was like, you need to know what good music is. Halloween was there.
I was like, you have to know this. And now, I mean, if you're a parent, you will just live to see all of your favorite things repeated to you ad nauseum until you hate them.
We listen to Thriller every morning, multiple times. If you had to guess next Halloween, what would your child go as you think? Would it be Spider-Man? Oh, she's going as Elsa.
I already asked her. It's either Elsa or Michael Jackson.
It's whatever. It's funny.
Next year, it's nine months. She's already on it.
Three, four, five Halloween rocks. I mean, Halloween is for that age.
Halloween, that's the pocket. The cute kids, Twickle Tweet, you know.
And then the 15-year-old high school dude, could I get some candy? You know, not fun. So my block does the Halloween for our entire area.
So it's like a thousand people. It's a job.
Not only that, the kids are so rude. They don't know to say trick or treat.
And I, my joy in life is putting on a witch face and I heckle these kids. Oh, I love it.
I try to be, and they kind of crave it. And when a kid comes back for candy and I'm like, I recognize you, get out of here, you little fat brat.
And I turn them away. I don't call them fat.
But I love to scare them because you have to say please and you have to say trick or treat. And they don't.
No, they don't know. They know.
I was telling Dana that the Super Bowl has a Roman numeral like 48. I'm like, let me tell you something.
No fucking kids know what goddamn Roman. Can we drop it with the Roman numerals? They don't even know what numerals means.
They know the word number barely. They can't read cursive.
They're not reading ancient numbering systems. The AI is going to teach your daughter.
It's so true. They're so stupid.
They have no idea. So excellent.
Eliza, you are, I'm not reading this. Eliza, you are from Dallas, but do you remember when you were there, you're too young, but my favorite club was the Dallas Improv on Central and Walnut.
Oh, it moved because now it's in Addison. Addison is one like next to a freeway.
The whole city's next to a freeway. It's Dallas, Texas.
The whole city was built off a toll road. That's so funny.
The Addison Improv, I used to call that. Okay.
I played the Addison Improv, but there was a Dallas one and a manager used to take us to the Million Dollar Saloon. Dana, it wasn't a real regular like Old West saloon.
Hey man, spellbinders in Houston. Anybody? I'll tell you what.
I think Dallas has, at least it used to have like more strip clubs per capita. And then I think Portland and probably Atlanta joined the chat.
Join the chat. Join the strip chat.
But Dallas has a lot of them kind of down there in that area. In that whole area down there.
The manager would take all the comics down there and he'd give them free passes. And they'd be like, oh, this is good.
Oh, wait, it's good monday tuesday and wednesday was that when you were playing there no eliza that's just they were they were only allowed to go i'll tell you what i could just paper the room i could just see like any female comic working like being like oh cool thanks for these strip club passes i yeah i'm so glad we had a good good thing going i remember you won't know this because you're tuned but when i worked there uh at the addison improv this cute waitress said she dated the drummer for nxs now this is going way back that's an old band it's very we're like you don't even know who nxs is there's not a chance because no one anywhere but LA sees anyone famous. Just never happens.
Right. God, lo and behold,

like. know who NXS is.
There's not a chance because no one anywhere but LA sees anyone famous. Just never happens.
Right. God, lo and behold, that God dang drummer for NXS comes in the club when I'm there.
I'm like, bah, bah, bah, bah, what? And he said, this ties into you. You got, oh, the comedians, if you want, stay a day and on the night off, we'll all go to see Michael Jackson.
What? And he took us to Michael Jackson. Where did you? That's amazing.
Somewhere in Dallas at some big dome. I was like, oh my God.
It sounds like a lie. It might be a lie.
Actually, I'm going to back off a little bit. What do you mean it might be a lie? Did you go or did you not? No, because you reacted too big.
So I was like, wait, am I lying? Oh, I saw him lie. I think it's true.
No, I think it's true. true i saw him lie but i met him when he was i went 13 oh yeah you met him when you were a bus bus boy waiter at the holiday inn bringing michael jackson and all the jackson family dinner and fruit loops yeah at a holiday inn holiday inn which was near a regional theater called the circle star theater 3000 in the round.
The Jackson 5 was playing there in 75. I was a busboy waiter, room service guy.
And so I got to know him a little bit. I always brought him raw carrots.
Is that you getting to know him? You know, in the story, it just makes the story better. I gave him carrots and left.
Also, Little Richard, I waited on waited on him He answered the door naked, that's true What city is this? This is San Carlos, California I feel unqualified to be on this Because I don't have these Storied Other than You know, like You ran into Dane Cook at the Beverly to hear that. Yeah.
Who'd be the person you'd most want to meet right now? Like a famous person. Like Taylor Swift.
You met her. I'm just throwing it out.
Okay. Most famous person.
I've never met her. I guess it's like, I don't know.
I don't think it's about like, oh, I want to meet them. It's more about like about like oh I'd love to work with them I see but but I mean I met Billy Crystal once and I cried and he was so nice because there is a comic you know it's not about rock stars I mean I think if I met if I met Nicki Minaj I'd be like we have to talk I have so many things I've always wanted to say to you and she would tolerate me and she'd be like whose mom is this but as a comedian there are so many people if you are if you're lucky enough in your career you your idols become your colleagues you know and that's very unique and uh kind of weird kind of sad it's sad for the idol but it's i don't know i think i don't know any anybody from i mean if i ever met jim carrey of course obviously i could never meet chris farley but that would be impactful will ferrell i'm sure i will take a meeting with at some point and will embarrass myself um big fan of elizabeth banks i've only met her executive that's a good one i barely i think i've chatted with her, but you know, you see like women that were on SNL, like you see these people and then you remember that, you know, you're just like you.
These are just normal people, but Billy Crystal, I did cry because that was incredibly meaningful. And what was your exposure to Billy Crystal? Was it him on SNL or him? No, because that was, again, I think this podcast should be called You're Too Young to Remember This.
You're so young and you're going to blow eggs. I'm just wondering where you intersected with Billy Crystal.
He, because he was on SNL, obviously, at the very beginning. He did a movie.
I mean, obviously there was City Slickers. Yeah.
But he did a movie called Mr. Saturday Night, which sometimes gets overlooked by stand-up comics as this like seminal piece of work in terms of like movies about stand-up comedy.
Right. But we watched it a lot growing up.
And now that I look back at it, you realize how much of it was true in a way that you couldn't process it as a kid. Oh, yeah.
With no context. He did that character in a special.
I think he did a special where he played all these characters at a house somewhere or something. And I remember it standing out.
He's like really in the pocket with that character. And then he did the movie.
Yeah. Yeah.
And so, yeah. What did he sound like? Was he like this or something? A little bit.
No, it was just a New York Jew. Just like a New York, like, shticky.
What do you want? Yeah. What do you want from me?

King of the jungle?

How about queen?

Or king of the...

It was a Davy Crockett joke.

It wasn't...

It wasn't the jungle.

It was king of the wild frontier.

It sounds like a joke.

How about...

And then...

And then ba-dum-bum.

Yeah.

Ba-dum-bum.

And so, I don't know, but I will say, I mean, anytime you work with anyone bigger than you,

you're just kind of like, oh, wow, this is... I feel bad for this person, but this is really cool that I'm here.
Where did you see him? He was doing a town hall, like for the New York comedy festival. And I had a show.
At the Y or something? No, it was at town hall. Like it was called.
Town hall in New York. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. And I snuck back there and I went like under the stage, like Phantom of the style, and I was like, I bet he'll be here.
And he was. No security, because it's- John Hankley style, more like.
I did it. Yeah.
And so, you see him, and you go up, and he's nice to you. That's great.
Somehow, I always let people know, I'm a comedian. Just so you know, I'm not a weirdo.
I'm like, I do what you do. We're the exact same.
a picture which means i'm a weirdo i'm a weirdo i'm a comedian equals i'm a weirdo well there's also that thing with comics someone is a comic and you're like are you or is this something you like think about doing but i do think it is a nice thing like to level the playing field when a comic comes up to me they hey, I do comedy too. It's a nice way of being like,

hey,

like I mean you no harm yet.

It kind of like you're on the same club.

Like anytime you're on the backstage comedy store,

you walk in a club on the road

or you do a guest spot and you see comics,

it's all like equal.

Everyone's like,

hey,

hey,

hey,

what's up?

Yeah.

Like you could at least introduce yourself

or say hi.

I mean,

but there is,

I always feel bad when like a comic is like, I couldn't get in. I'm like, if you're a comic, you can come in.
You can always come in for free. I don't want people to think that and then you just say it, but you're allowed into these spaces to just hang out.
It's very interesting when you get an out of the blue compliment, because if you're slumping around on a Sunday afternoon or something, and I think you totally forget that you're on TV kind of, at least intellectually. And then all of a sudden, somebody goes, I love you, man.
And then walks away like, oh, thanks. Oh, and they don't want anything too.
And that's kind of nice. They don't want anything.
Oh, the most humbling is when I'm like, did you, cause sometimes I'll say it cause I know someone will be nervous because I'll pick up on the energy. I'll be like, did you want a picture? And then they say no.
And I'm like, I'll just go fuck myself then. I didn't want to give you.
I feel so bad. I don't want to go.
I don't want to go that far. I'm not really in it.
I know. You're fine, but let's not get off.
The weight in your VIP. This may not be relatable to a lot of people listening.
The weight in your VIP line with people who paid a lot of money to meet you and have a photo and then they'll say i don't want a photo i just wanted to say hi or thank you and i'm like okay but you spent a hundred this is still a hundred dollars you sure you don't want a quick snapchat quick something nope nope you just want it okay i respect it i what about the people that you have a photo let's let's take a photo like it's my That is good But Dana She's saying What if you say no What if they go no

I've never had anyone say no. I don't relate to it.
I've had people say, I only get 100,000 photos on my phone. I don't want to waste them.
No, there's people I don't want to say hello, bro. But backstage, let's say, Eliza, you're doing a corporate or regular backstage meet and greet and they have a professional photographer, right?

Yeah.

So they go, this moves, boom, boom.

And then you do it and then everyone slowly pulls out their phone.

After they get the real picture and goes, let's just do one on mine.

Take selfies.

And it just stops everything.

And they're like, how do I flip my phone?

I'm so nervous.

What's my code again?

Okay, so that's-

What do you do?

That's your tour manager's job.

We have a policy. One picture per group.
You you guys all came together you have each other's numbers you give the phone to the tour manager and we bang them out there's no i don't want to see you fiddle with your lg chocolate razor fiddling no fiddling no with your sidekick i don't want to see it just have it ready suzuki sidekick with your um with your kawasaki jet ski i don't want to see why did they stop making that sidekick phone whatever i remember kid rock had one i thought he was so goddamn cool he'd go and it kind of spins out it was those it was so cool i never had one but they looked really i never had one either they were too cool i have a question about phones and no one's ever answered this to me. Yes, sir.

Like they make these giant,

you know, library book size phones

and you know, all that.

Could I get a second phone

that was tiny

that I could just talk on

that has the same number?

Just so everyone at home knows,

Dana Carvey's holding up an iPhone 6

and I don't know how he still has it.

Is that a 6?

No, no, it's a normal phone.

It's a normal phone.

He's holding up an iPod shuffle.

Shuffles would be a great idea.

People have phones that just perform a phone call duty.

It doesn't have the internet.

Like people are going back to that now since we're all getting cancer.

It's called a drug dealer.

Well, nice if you're just around town,

you could have like this really light phone with the same number And still have this When you want to go Show people videos Come on Is that how Come on Tim Cook Get your ass Is that how badly You want to show people videos Like Dana Carter Just walked around Like look at this Cooking video Look at this Hibachi video Look at this This is being recorded Look at this This is me with Eliza This is me with david spade you know yeah so wait actually if i've seen women and they at dinner and they put down the two phones like stacked on each other i'm like hook hook hooker oh that's what you oh i thought you meant like you got me hook line and sinker no i said they're sex workers that's what they think i mean and then i go nope we got a hook alert when i first met david he had he had a burner phone i go what's that for never mind yeah yeah what is that david what's that about he's lying but it's a it's a funny fictitious scenario so i'm going to tell you the truth that nobody's going to cop to oftentimes when you see someone with two phones if they're not a drug dealer and there are,

I can think of a Kevin Gates song about having two phones. It's called two phones.
Um, it's oftentimes just a performative flex. Like they're like, sorry, I just get so many.
I can't, I'm like, this is sorry. This is a micro computer with the entire power of the world in it.
And you're telling me you're so disordered. You have so much going on that the internet can't hold all of your information.
Can't keep up with you. Your phone book is so full that you need two different.
Yeah. And I think if you're a mega celebrity, like most people just won't have your number.
I'm not even that famous. And most of my calls go to an assistant.
So the two phone thing, unless you have one for work that you throw in a drawer at the end of the day is really, and people like hold them up to be like, oh, sorry, I just have two of these. Like, okay, we get it.
That is a good flex. It's a flex.
I want to have three. Performative flex is another possible special for you.
Yeah, with three X's. So six specials, in a pretty short, well, I guess they would spread them out, but it's a lot of specials.

It was in one year.

It was in one year.

We did two every, two a month.

Do you know when you show up what you're going to wear?

Because I never know until like 10 minutes before, I guess I'll wear this shirt.

Oh, on your special, you mean?

Yeah, on your special.

Yeah.

Plan it out.

To be fair, Dana, right now you look like you're in a sleeping bag. To be fair, you didn't think anything before this.
It's an Adam Sandler puffy jacket. Oh, yes.
It's a Cotopaxi original. Oh, no, we can tell.
Thawbop. No, no.
No, no. You're right.
That is a very funny observation. Women know more about guys' clothes when they walk up and they size it all up.
And guys don't even know they're being analyzed. And it's like, yeah, I think this is a pretty good outfit.
And they're like later going, did you see the shoes? Yeah, this with that. Yeah.
They just know everything. It's not.
I used to, in one of my old specials, I have a bit about how we scan. Like we scan everything.
And it's not about, because I'm not a gold digger, it's not about like, ooh, is that a nice watch? It was like, oh, are your shoes weirdly outdated to where it's like you had to make a choice between like these shoes or your electricity being on? Are you wearing like a Kenneth Cole reaction shoe? Like that shows that no one's dressed you in a long time. Are you wearing workout gear, but you're obviously you haven't done cardio? Are you wearing a tech vest? Are you wearing a Cotopaxi jacket? And they all inform us about your, are you wearing an Arctic's flannel? Like, do you have a cocaine addiction? Like there's all these things for better, for worse.
But to answer your question, of course, not only, I mean, we plan the outfit outfit i think i work my material i think the outfit is second to how precious the material is and then the lighting and everything else but the outfit gets planned well i saw a clip of you well you were wearing it was kind of black and then there was sort of you were hip flexors were were exposed excuse me yeah and it was uh It was kind of a cool look you know i mean it's very cool um i don't i just buy a bit i'm trying to be invisible you know i have like um i'm a bit of a 50 black t-shirts you know look i'm not gonna pretend like as as a woman what you wear't matter and i there's certain silhouettes i enjoy and for this special we i just wanted to do something sexy but powerful but fun i found the pants prior to having my last baby so i held on to those pants for like a full year and i was like i'm to get into these pants come hell or high water. And I just stared at them every day.
Do you feel like when I was trying on shit for my stupid special, like, oh, it's guys. It's like.
Nobody cares. 90% of the time, a t-shirt and a coat.
And it's usually those jackets with no collar or whatever. So I was trying something on, but I don't usually wear coats on stage.
I don't do do much movements but i don't want to have any resistance anywhere like yeah it's too tight or you're trying to look good and you're like i can't really do what i do and i'll think about it i'd rather just be loose so that's why my excuse is i don't look that great on them uh also i have one coming out in the future oh let's uh i didn't know what i was gonna wear yeah what is the title of, David? Did you call it your stupid special? That's what you just said. You were like in my stupid special.
My stupid special is this garbage. I think it's called this garbage.
And I didn't decide what I was wearing because I brought two things to the special and we were backstage. And I was doing them both.
And I go this, this. We wound up doing a combo platter because they said,

you have five minutes

before you go on.

So this is what I'm worried about

before I go on

and the crowd is there.

And they're like,

guys,

which,

what is he walking out?

And so we just know

for whatever reason.

They went in a month ahead.

They got to steam it.

They got to steam

no matter what you're doing.

As long as you don't have wrinkles.

Look,

here's the deal.

In terms of men's comedy, there's Eddie Murphy raw. And then there's whatever else the rest of you guys wear.
Like it either has to be impactful and iconic or literally no one cares. I'm going with literally no one cares.
I'm going with people go, what did he wear in this special? And they're like, oh, did he have any clothes on? We don't even remember. That's how good the material was.
the material was laughed at the jokes or we don't but we go that means literally nothing why guys because that's why i go i don't really care just what do i wear all the time people have already decided they like me they don't let's just i don't think i don't think people i don't i think it's all about what you give to your audience and i don't think people watch you for a sartorial experience and i think when you're a woman woman, people have to, like, it is about what you're wearing. You know, it does it, are you, does it hug your body? Can they see your body? Are they not seeing your body? Is that deliberate? I think women get judged on these things in a good and a bad way, but for guys, it's just not the way that we think about you.
Like if someone sees you, it's like, oh my God, it's David Spade, not, oh, did you, I mean, maybe on a Saturday night, like, did you see those leather pants? You know, it's just not your, it's just not part of your brand. And some females are like, are you a hoodie comic or do you dress up? It's almost, you know what I mean? Well, that's because for the longest time, you know, the audience, it took them a while to wrap their minds around the fact that a woman was speaking.
But now I think, you know, I see a lot of younger girls just going up and just everything's out and they don't think about it. And the answer is, you're welcome.
It's because of women like me and our generation putting in that work in those American apparel hoodies so you could wear a belly shirt. Listen, make this your best season yet with nutritious two-minute meals from Factor.
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I know. You tear up whenever you have like a Popsicle, but my point is this.
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That's cool. I don't like that.
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You know, wrinkle release is good because I travel. So, and I'm also obviously perfectly fit like a human specimen.
You're coiffed. I think of you, I think of someone who's coiffed.
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That's R H O N E.com slash fly with code fly at checkout. David, I don't know if you know this about me, but I've always been a fan

of exploring new places. Not like you kind of, you know, no, no offense.
And one of my best trips, listen up, is when I stayed at an Airbnb. It felt like I was living like a local with all the space, you know, hotels can be a hassle room service.
And then the housekeeper, it's a hassle. So then you go to Airbnb and you can get whatever you want, a little cottage, this and that.
It's fantastic. You have your own separate space.
So it's a great product for people who travel. David? Yes, I have friends doing one of these right now.
If you have a home, you can Airbnb it. It's fantastic.
I mean, to monetize your home when you're not there seems like a good idea. I mean, look, I'm on the road a lot.
I could probably do it. It's something that people can do when they travel, they have extra space, or you're at a place not full-time.
You come in the winter, you leave in the summer. that's something you should think about it's a way to get some extra money and uh it's a cool experience your home might be worth more than you'd think yep find out how much at airbnb.com slash host hoodie comic hoodie comic i was one of them my picture is on the improv wall next to yours, actually, and I'm in that hoodie.
Very low-rise pants. Yeah, you're right next to mine.
It's right when you walk in. Eliza, do you remember when I brought you up wrong? No, I don't...
Yes. Do you want to tell it? Because it was a very sweet story.
You tell it. I feel like I remember half of it.
It was in the original room at the comedy store. So I think I brought you up and I said your name wrong, right? Definitely.
I said your name wrong. It's a tricky name.
To be fair, it is awful. I think I got the first name wrong.
Yeah. Not even your last name.
Yeah. So what? Oh, yeah.
So I felt so bad because it was very unprofessional. Even though intros are always screwy, like Bobby Lee's coming in this idiot, blah, blah, blah.
He's my dad. You know, it's always screwy.
Forget, mess up the credits. But I said her name wrong.
I didn't know her enough to do her name wrong. And then I, oh, Adam Eget was working there.
So I said, can I get Eliza's email maybe? Yeah. Just to apologize for doing that.
It was a, you got it. And, and I got it.
So for people listening, Adam Eget was the manager, general manager of the comedy store. And now I think he manages mothership in Austin.
And he texted me and he was like, spades going to message you. And I, cause I think I may have said something to you.
Um, or I didn't, but the way he said spades going to talk to you, the vibe was like, Hey, you did something wrong. And now comedy royalty is about to not only blacklist you, but you should never have gotten upset that he mispronounced like it was like spades gonna he didn't say reach out reach out is a good thing it's like spades better bring down the hammer and i was like okay and you reached out and i was never gonna say anything ever again because i knew it wasn't personal and you went out of your way to say that it was a mistake and you were sorry.
And I couldn't believe that someone of your stature, that someone that David Spade was reaching down to little old me to be like, hey, sorry about that. In an industry where people are aggressively awful to each other for fun.
And I always remember that about you. And unfortunately for you, I was like, oh, cool.
Now we're friends. Now I can always talk to him.
Yes. And then I said, no, I got to get it right now all the time.
All the time. Yeah.
Because I can't mess it. I can't keep messing it up.
One time, Dane, I went on in the original room and Bill Burr was next, but he was in the hallway bullshitting just like a typical night. And I got the hiccups, like I'm sure to Bill, like a girl.
And I've never done this. And I hicked up every joke and I started laughing, but it was too much because it was like the same thing over and over.
And they're stopping laughing. And after about three minutes, I go, hey, is Bill out there? And I go, and I hear, what? And I go, can you come up now? I have to get off.
And he's like, you got the fucking hiccups.

And then I was like,

oh,

this is the worst guy to go after me.

Yeah.

Because now his first five minutes was like this fucking pussy.

So that was funny,

but that was another OR story similar.

He didn't apologize.

No,

but just know that if you're watching a show and comics give each other shit

like that,

it's because they're friends.

I don't think I've ever really seen a comic like fuck up and then the next comic gets mad about it like it's never i've brought up comics i don't even like and i've never given them a bad intro i've never been like this next guy tried to sexually harass me over the phone and now i'm famous and he's not please welcome like i would never do that i think all you did now i'm thinking about When I i walked up and said your name wrong you took the mic and you go it's eliza and then you just went on it but you weren't scolding me you just said it right for the audience to know and then i was like shot leaving the stage like platoon i was like oh and because i deigned to softly correct it and then adam's like spade's gonna talk to you talk to you. I was like, Oh my God.
Oh my God. He's going to get mad that I knew my own name.
And you were so nice. There's a rumor.
You softly corrected someone. I think I did.
He's like, what the fuck? You owe David Spade an apology. Your name is now Elisa.
Shell, Shell, Missinger um that shell singer there you go miss eliza shell what's the most common mispronunciation or is there one what dana just did deliberately or not i can't tell if it's a bit no i was kidding okay thank god uh uh it's, yeah. Schlesinger, Schlesinger.

But I don't even correct people because it ultimately doesn't matter.

Because the more painful part is having to then hear them try to correct it.

And then it becomes like a linguistics lesson.

Sure.

And you're like, I'm just trying to promote this show.

I just got this special.

I was introduced as Dana Garney a lot. Dana Garney.
This next comedian is kind of funny. Some I was introduced to Dana Garney

a lot

Dana Garney

this next comedian

it's kind of funny

some people like him

Dana Garney

it's just reading off

a piece of paper

Dana

D-A-N-A

and then they just

the V

became an N

or something

Dana Garney

ladies and gentlemen

Greg Fitzsimmons

told me that he one time

and he's in my phone

as this

got grapefruit Simmons

I don't mind that

people are

All right. me that he one time and he's in my phone as this got grapefruit simmons i don't mind that people are just uneducated not checked in just out to lunch just making up words not reading but eliza how nerve-wracking is it when they go there's no mc and you're up there and they go and you go who's next and they're like bill squankmeyer and you, this next guy is so good.
You don't even know who they are. You've never even heard of him.
You don't know what to say. Oh, I mean, the art of standup is 99% making up a bullshit credit for the next comic who you have no real reference for.
Yeah, that's a good way to put it. It used to just be clubs and colleges.
But now that's, I mean, if you're playing colleges as your main thing, like maybe you're not doing great. And so, and so, and used to be comedy central, which it really isn't anymore.
So now, I mean, I brought up a comic the other night and I was like, you know him from the internet. Please welcome.
It was, it was Morgan J and who is known from the internet. It's not like you met him on star Search.
And so I thought, I just usually like this next comic is hilarious.

One of my good friends.

Please welcome.

Yes, I do that.

Anyone is next.

Yeah.

Just throw someone out here.

All right, let's plug Eliza's thing one more time

before we let her go.

And I will say before I let you go, Eliza.

Different animal.

I just talked to today,

someone I said you were coming on

and they said,

Teller, good on paper movie is great.

Thank you. say before i let you go liza different i just talked to today someone i said you were coming on and they said teller good on paper movie is great and that is a netflix movie that's right that you wrote i wrote it it's a it's based on a true story and uh i starred in it and it's available for streaming 24 hours a day.
And it is a- Good on paper.

It's very hard to write a movie.

And you were in it.

It's even harder to make one.

Turns out it takes a lot. It's so hard to make a movie.

Yes.

So vouch for that.

And the special, Dana, say the name of the special.

I'll let you do it.

A Different Animal, Amazon Prime, March 11th.

We shot it in- Where? In Salt Lake City, which I knew... That's a great place.
Right? It's secretly an incredible comedy town. Yep, yep, yep.
You wouldn't think that. And they're the best.
And I have to be honest with you guys. You are my first podcast I've done to promote it.
So you're the first person, I guess it was Dana, that I've heard say the special out loud because the title's been a secret. That's cool.
How big was the theater? What did you do this time? Size-wise? It was the Eccles. So that's, I want to say 2,300.
I also want to say 1,800. It's all such a blur, but we did two tapings at the Eccles and it was gorgeous and um the outfit was hot fire so i'm excited for one to see it i would do one in salt lake they're good good crowd the outfit was cool if it's the one i think yeah i hope it is i hope they sent you the materials salt lake city is basically people not everyone there is mormon but what you get is a city of like almost crime.
People who don't really drink alcohol jacked up on sugar from soda shops and just really looking for a good time before church. That's who's there.
That's right. I got to play that.
And they're good. You got to.
They would love you. Dana.
Yeah. Yeah.
All right. Thanks, Eliza.
We'll talk soon. I'll see you at the store.
I'll see you tonight. All right.
Thanks for joining.

Bye, you guys.

Bye.

Thank you.

Thank you.

This has been a presentation of Odyssey. Please follow, subscribe, leave a like, a review, all the stuff, smash that button, whatever it is, wherever you get your podcasts.

Fly on the Wall is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, and Heather Santoro.

The show's lead producer is Greg Holtzman.