Bunny, Breakup, and Kanye's List

Listen, Dana, if you're like me, you're like me a little bit.

I think so.

Yeah.

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locked and loaded hey what are we going to talk about today because we got to let anyone who just punched play or whatever you do clicked on that little arrow what's coming up it's we're going to weigh in on the Nicole Kidman.

Yeah, we're going to weigh in on

the weigh in on stories a week late.

Keith Irvin.

What people don't realize is like

the Jimmy Kimmel thing we talked about the day after, and then it doesn't air sometimes.

It gets stuck because I'm on the road, you're on the road.

And so

they're like, now you're finally chirping in.

And then they go, by the way, we hate whatever you'll say about it, but you must talk about it.

I'm like, okay.

okay

I want to start commenting I got to search the web tonight just you motherfuckers with a shitty face

they almost explode some of these people uh most are not we love them I mean you know I'll do the Whitney Cummins thing I mean what good news is bad news bad news is good news if people are engaged and getting angry maybe it's a good thing or happy

They go off on tangents and fight each other in the comments, which I'm all for.

Yeah.

I just got back from the road boring please don't explain it yet what do you mean you are you you're a road warrior officially that's your new nickname i mean you go out there i give you credit man i have to say when i was doing stand-up and doing like just shoot me or rules of engagement i never even no one did really tours am i correct no one did like let's go on a tour

um

well you know there's comics There's comedy clubs, which I was born and bred on for years.

And then you're there, you know five nights sometimes six nights in the comedian condo and now there's one nighters in theaters whoops someone made the leap

no now they go you're in theaters when are you going to do arenas i go no no no no

so on this one arenas i'm doing um i just jumped on with adam because he has he has a couple

yeah he's doing a fit he's halfway through a 50 city tour i think dude the guy I talked to him six months ago.

He goes, hey, you want to go down to the improv and I have to start writing an act.

And he grinds it out.

Even between shows at dinner, he's like, what about this?

Talking to the other guys.

And that one guy plays keyboard, Dan Bula, who's a great writer.

And he's like, what if I switch this out for this?

And then they're just constantly tweaking.

And I'm over there like this.

Got any scallop potatoes?

Because I'm more worried about dinner.

It altered your voice.

You were so worried.

Well, look,

you write verbal bits with a lot of jokes, throwaways.

And Adam, which I do a little bit of that too,

it's a big entertaining performance.

He's got

Chirons and he's got them in guitar.

And he's shredding.

He's playing bass.

He's singing.

He's doing patter.

So it's.

And it goes into the crowd.

It's great.

He's got a spotlight.

Anyway, everyone loves it.

And he's got two, two, literally two semi-trucks.

It's like a whole concert.

There's monitors backstage.

There's four TVs.

We went first, I went out there and met him at Mohegan Sun, Connecticut.

The fun part about that was one night Letterman came.

Sometimes people pop in to watch.

Was Letterman just in the neighborhood?

I mean, I don't see this.

Letterman came and he.

He did a quick interview with us after, but he was mostly, I think, doing something with Adam for his

new J.

Kelly movie coming out.

So David Letterman has a new J.

Kelly movie coming out?

No, Sandler does with George Clooney, and then I think this is pressed, and I think

they're going to do an interview with Letterman and

maybe his Netflix show for something like that.

Yeah, that's possibly it.

And I want to just say hello ahead of time.

Really fun to see Letterman.

And I shouldn't even say this because it's kind of pat on the back productions, but guess what he brought up?

He came to my dressing room.

Guess what he brought up?

Uh, fly on the wall.

Something about the 50th.

Oh, yeah.

The thing about your, I got the general gist, whatever.

Yeah, that one, that's very much in his vernacular.

That's very much.

He came in and he goes, there's been no better use for a cast member

than to have you do a throwaway line from the audience.

And he said, just tell me how it all came about.

And then he also, when we were with Adam,

he really loved the Sandler song, which everyone did.

That's like an Emmy-winning performance.

Right.

Of cast members that are here or gone.

Yeah.

Nicholson in the front row.

And Jack.

Yeah.

That's it's it's it's great.

Yeah.

Dana back in LA at Bennigan's or something, not caring at all.

Yeah, I was stewing in my juices.

Stewing in my juices.

No, I saw it with my friends Bo Derrick and John Corb.

You did?

Yeah, come on.

I can name drop

my neighbors and friends.

And so we watched it and we did it.

I knew at the moment when you did the line.

I go, because that comedians know how hard it is to do like a throwaway line.

You're not yelling.

You're not emoting.

You're not actually just, it just was so heartfelt because it is exhausting being there.

You're just like, I'm over it.

Sorely missed was Dana, even at this thing.

Because, you know, obviously Adam says, you're welcome on any of these shows.

Oh, I post it.

I've been texting.

I just told him it's very far and it's just data's very brittle.

But I said,

I'm a dandelion.

I'm so fragile.

I'm more fragile than you.

You're out there running and doing stuff.

I like to hike mountains, I'll be honest.

Oh, okay.

So

the same night, Taylor Swift's dad, of all people, isn't that funny?

He came to watch.

Taylor Swift's dad.

Taylor Swift's dad.

Okay,

that's one removed from the

golden ring, but yeah.

But we took it and we was cool.

Did you come back?

Super cool.

Went backstage.

Gave me a handful of Taylor Swift guitar picks.

Isn't that nice?

Could I have one?

I will give you one.

When I see you.

Heather, I'm giving you one, and I'll tell you why after.

Wow.

Yeah.

I don't know why they keep comparing.

You know, there's guys online and it's YouTube shows.

They're great, but they're like, Taylor Swif versus the Beatles, you know?

And it's like, why put Taylor through that?

She's amazing for 2025, but there's only one Beatles.

She would agree, I'm sure, but it's like Taylor Swift.

She has so many stats that have never been achieved before, but this is, you know, the globalization.

Also,

you know,

when you look at a band or even like they go, SNL, when you're on there, you guys are horrible.

And then 10 years later, they go, oh, you guys are great.

It just takes a long time to look back at something, even movies, even things that they say.

It just takes a long time to see if someone holds up for a long time.

Taylor Swift, I'm sure, will hold up.

The Beatles held up probably more than anyone ever.

Well, I look at it like this: when the Beatles left in 69, and it was just seven years of them, and then like nine albums done, and it was too much to process, even for the Beatles, too much.

And then, over time, it's like a wave hit and it's cresting, and it's still cresting.

Who sold the second most albums from 2000 to 2010?

Beatles, not the Beatles, Beatles.

40 years later,

Eminem was number one by a hair.

I think they still sell a million albums a year.

So they're a singularity.

I'm not a grumpy old man.

They're the best because it was during my time.

You know, nope.

The evidence is there.

But Taylor Swift is amazing.

So what do you know?

If she'd come on this podcast, I don't, I want to apologize to Travis Kelsey.

You know what they call her?

Her fans now?

Swiffers.

Swiffers?

That's like a dust mop.

Why would I want to apologize to Travis?

Are you going to apologize to Travis?

Yeah, because for a long time I just referred to it as Taylor Swift and the football player.

That's not fair.

That's like a movie of the week on the Hallmark.

He does fine.

It is a movie of the week on Hallmark.

You know what they're all doing?

And I don't mean them or it's just.

branding.

They create a clothing line and then they intersect and they brand.

I mean, the amount of money that entertainers are making wasn't

in our time.

You know, you weren't supposed to be a businessman.

A businessman is an asshole.

And now it's like, I don't know, this money stuff.

Ryan Reynolds is on TV.

I watched TV

for an hour and he wasn't on it.

And I actually called Comcast and they go, I haven't seen Ryan Reynolds.

What's wrong?

Yeah, don't they have a Mint commercial or something?

They do have a Ryan Reynolds block you can put on if you have.

But good on him.

I'm not jealous.

Next day, this boring story is keeping going next day washington dc duck capital and we went to next morning adam and i went to a coffee shop and it was funny because here's my big joke it's it's like a long weaving line in there in a small coffee shop yeah and i go oh excuse me where's the front of the line

like we were gonna instead of the back of the line we were gonna cut that's a good one yeah you get to cut it

crickets How does how do you, how does David Spade and Adam Sandler wait in a coffee line without people going, hey, could I get a picture?

I will say, walking there, Adam had nothing, no sunglass on or anything.

And it was a bit of a unicorn sighting because people just walk by and they go, so, you know, listen, I'm an international presence.

I'm not taking anything away from me.

Adam is such a gigantic star that

the people that, when I went for a walk first, that stopped me,

it could have been the same person.

They don't see me.

When they see Adam, they just go, oh, and then they yell from cars, hey, you guys, or they go, can we take a just picture from the car?

Or they go to Adam and don't even know I'm there.

They're just so lasered in.

Like, all right.

Are you in our town?

And then when they leave, they go, oh, hey, this fucking guy.

So

it was fun to see that.

You know, it was great just to go for a little.

one-on-one because we're always with everybody, with everybody.

And it was fun to just go laughing bullshit.

Then we're in in the back of the coffee shop.

I'm sitting next to this lawyer, Dominique, and her friend, and they are giving us the lay of the land.

Adam's next to a five, three-year-old kid, and he's he finishes popsicle, and then he starts poking Adam with it.

He's going, Adam's going, Whoa,

and it took the kid a minute, and then he started laughing hysterically.

This funny old man is like being Adam went with it, and the kid kept stabbing him.

And that was the highlight of that kid's life.

He doesn't know it yet.

And sweet.

Then I, I don't drink coffee, but I, we got that.

No super highlights there.

Next day, or that same day, we went to Hershey and we got a huge Kit Kat bar.

They gave us all this huge candy.

I can't really eat candy, but I can't eat sugar because I'm eat for an eye.

You can't have coffee or candy.

That's no, I can have coffee.

I don't like it.

My third grade teacher had coffee and cigarette breath, and I swore off it.

That's a real story.

And And scrambled eggs, but I, it was such a sickening combo.

Yeah.

She's like, are we doing fractions thing?

So I always remember that, and it's, it hurt me down deep.

So now I go, no coffee.

I don't want to, girls don't like me enough.

I don't want to add something like, hey, I have this three-tiered sickening breath.

So I did cave on the scrambled eggs.

Did not cave on the coffee or sigs.

But I don't mind either now, like if a female or someone has cop your cigarette, but that doesn't throw me as much as my fragility would tell you.

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Are you looking for a podcast about pro football that doesn't put you to sleep with an avalanche of of analytics or insult your fandom with brainless hot takes?

Well, hi.

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Oh, hi, Mark.

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It's called Bob

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Look, I smoked in fourth grade for about a year.

I'd steal Kent's cigarettes from my mom's purse.

Candy cigarettes or real ones?

No, real ones.

She had Kent, Kent, K-E-N-T.

Yes, she did.

Oh, yeah.

Menthol.

And then my brothers and I would go smoke and then we would eat ice plant to get it out of our breath.

But here's my point.

If cigarette smoking was not harmful,

I'd be smoking a cigarette right now.

Because

nothing's a better emphasis than that.

Well, Spade, I mean, tell me more about the trip.

You

I mean, nothing's cooler than the business of a cigarette.

Also, the business, you're always looking for business, which is a term when you're acting, do something with your hands, move things.

It looks better if you're doing real life.

So if you're like this, you're like, listen, you guys, are we going to wind up going to that show tonight or not?

It just looks like you're doing a real life action.

Oh, yeah.

That's like Philip Seymour Hoffman.

He's doing this while it's nothing to do with it.

And

he was so great.

I want to ask you a question.

Greatest movie.

No, wait, let me go quickly.

Okay, here's a good smoking thing.

When you talk, or you go like this, you go, my brother does this to me.

He goes, Okay.

We're going to the movies, right?

And I agree.

And he goes,

What do we see together?

You talk on the holding the in.

Yes.

Okay, here's my cigarette one.

The cigarette smoker seems to only realize that the smoke is annoying when they put it out.

So they're like, so anyway,

I feel really good.

A 30-second stream of smoke coming out.

When they put it out, then they close their eyes and shake their head.

Best on-screen television or movie smoker.

I know who it is, and it's a mutual friend of ours.

Best.

Shit.

Best ever.

God, go ahead.

I mean, it's not Humphrey Bogart, whatever.

Nope, not Sean Penn, but good guess.

It is Mr.

John Hamm in a little show I like to

do in admin he was he made that thing so cool it's like

i don't even know you we should get him on just to take us away no he he was fantastic in that oh i love cigarettes i'm so it is cool and i hate to say it i don't recommend it but i hate it forcing it i can't do it it'll kill you but it's just so cool wait what's i gotta look at my list i got to tell you about well super oh here's the last thing that's riveting okay when i when i try this is a good trick for people if you're on the road like me this is not a commercial.

Everything else is, we do.

Interesting.

I said, I got a fly from DC.

This is how much of a fucking hard ass I am.

Fly to

wake up at DC, coffee.

I went out once, walked, and then I went with Adam, walked twice.

That wasn't what I was planning.

Busted my quads, hamstrings, came back.

We take off, fly to near Hershey, drive half hour to Hershey, stay at this hotel.

Nice enough, looked like a dirty dancing hotel.

I think I played there.

This is the one where they're like, you know, this hotel is 100 years old.

Would you believe it?

I go, minimum, minimum.

Ghosts floating everywhere.

So

that one, then I, we only have two hours.

There, Fortune is on the show there.

Robin Fortune.

So

we leave an hour later.

We take a little schnooze, go to the gig.

Then we

hightail.

I take a car to Philadelphia two hours.

And then I stay where?

Because I have an early flight home in LA.

Marriott Airport.

It's genius.

I've done this in Detroit.

You stay at the airport.

Yeah.

And you walk out and you're in the airport.

Yep.

They have one of those attached in Denver.

And I did that last time I was there.

You just walk right from

baggage claim.

You go across the gangway and then you're in the hotel.

And the same thing.

You're starting to get the road.

this is the first time i went this you're starting to get it you're starting to get it yeah i'm not saying you've got it but you're starting to get it

you you seem to get it but you don't have it but now when you said that denver thing i said oh he saved an hour drive yeah he's getting he's starting to get it when you start touring like this this is maybe a couple years ago i remember this in a quick impression of you two years ago about travel what do i do Where do I go?

How do I get to the gig?

And I go, David, calm down.

You will figure it out.

Should I stay at the airport?

Should I stay at the airport?

I go, David,

probably.

Should I stay super far from the airport?

You go, no, stay closer to it.

Yeah, okay.

I used to say, where am I?

Is it light or dark out?

I do that to John Lovitz, and he'd actually get kind of mad.

John, you quick impression of you.

What's going on?

How do I do a sketch?

Where do I go?

He goes, excuse me.

I was, I mean, nominated.

That's not how I do it.

And I don't don't talk like Mae West.

Yeah, so I stay.

So here's the big fucking fat story that I've been sitting on.

Okay, come on.

Give it.

I have

the next day.

Is this my story?

Oh, I have to order breakfast.

You just don't have early onset dementia right now.

I go, I need breakfast.

And they go, there's a QR coat.

So I, in my

haze of the morning, I go, can you just take my shitty order?

It's very basic.

Wish we could there's absolutely no way possible so i give you a qr camera phone

eggs what do you mean by eggs and then uh what language do you want i'm going down add subtract this dog shit and then it won't let it go through and i go why not dana what's your email oh they want your email and home address cell phone number

you don't get my goddamn precious email you could offer me a 500 i wouldn't because now you're gonna spam me.

I already got an email from him.

Hey, David, great news.

We have a new sausage pancake at the Marriott at the fucking airport.

I know.

I hate all that information.

I just give him a fake number, but I can talk to you.

I was at a place in Vegas.

So they give us this two-bedroom suite.

My wife's with me.

It's just, you know, wall of windows and everything.

First of all, we're looking at a construction site.

They're building the stadium.

Secondarily, there is a sewage smell throughout the suite both bad so the guy comes in i i spray i don't know i spray for you i'm sorry you you you said you had sewage smell you know yeah so that was i i was not fun different stinky in here it's still going to smell like sewage i'll be honest with you we can't get rid of it totally but we're going to tamp it down we're going to damp it down you'll have sewage but perfume together you're happy with the sweet and that was paula that was paula

your wife saying that yeah she just got a funny

we sprayed it did you put perfume no we use raid anth and roach it just smells different

but you know it it's uh it's one of those things like you'd go to i always say just give me a regular room you know sometimes sweets i hit my elbow or i know sometimes they go here you are and it's like the sweet from the hangover and you're like i don't need nine rooms

don't leave a comment first world problems we understand

it's first world i don't know any other world sewage smell is all

anyone can relate to that you know yeah i remember stink

okay i think that's all oh when swartson went on because you know sandler we all it's just every night he has different people nick swartson that doofus and he was on and we were we always crack up full time but when i follow him i always go oh nick swarts and everyone then i go oh why are all the five-year-olds piling out of the stadium?

Oh, they just wanted to see Nick?

There's only, there's only one Nick.

Didn't he have an album called Who Farted or Did he?

Yeah.

And then he, and then, and then he,

he has follow-up album was, guess what?

I farted.

I was the guy that farted the whole time.

And then he had a third one.

It's a fart of ram at my house.

No, he is one of the World War fart.

Funniest guys.

Yeah, I went on the group chat.

You should not jump on this group chat unless you're ready because if you bomb, you know my trick on the group chat.

By the way, I have to say, Schwartzon is pretty funny on it.

I hate those things.

When I get on, I write my joke.

And then guess what I do, Dana?

You press send.

Yeah, I do that.

But then

I give it about two seconds.

Then I put a haha on it on my own.

Oh, oh, the party going.

So someone just looks down and goes, oh, someone laughed at this one.

It must be good.

I sent a text to someone the other day.

It was a heartfelt kind of thing.

And then I was, and they replied back.

And I was going to do a heart on the reply, but I put a heart on my statement.

That's the best thing.

That's what I'm saying.

I'm going to say some love.

You do it.

You put a ha-ha.

So everyone goes, oh, that's a funny joke.

And you're like, they don't really take them a second to go, wait, Spade, did you laugh at your own joke?

I go, fuck yes, I did.

Hey, anyone can try this.

I was having a quasi just pod,

you know, chat back and forth with perfunctory information.

Yeah, we went there, we went there, and I just started putting ha ha on everything they said.

That's good, and it's just like, yeah, we took a car to the airport, ha ha.

And then the plane was a little bit delayed, ha ha.

And finally, they're like, Why are you doing that?

I'm scared.

Well, people do put LOL when they're nervous and they just go, okay, I'm on my way.

LOL.

Yep, I'll be there soon.

LOL.

And you go, or when you go, ha ha, ha, ha, ha.

And how many, when do you stop?

Yeah.

You know, you do like 10 of them.

Ha ha ha ha.

Okay, so anything else on your end before we get into the hot, hot, hot stories that will be old?

Are we talking about the Taylor Swift thing or no?

Nicole Kidman.

No, Nicole Kidman.

Sorry, get him confused.

Oh, Nicole Kidman got a divorce.

I guess it was a couple days ago, even though it just happened.

I know.

Now, that, yeah,

Keith Urban from Australia.

Which one's Nicole?

No, he's she's great on the right, and she's great on the left

no that guy is

he's from Australia oh I don't like you making all those out of those movies with them fellas or bugs me when you take off

take off your knickers in front of the fellas

yeah is that offensive no I that's Australia they were together they had a long run so we got to applaud that that's Hollywood you know average two years no joke in Hollywood two years one kid in Hollywood.

Sad, but true.

Oh, let's look at these comments.

Check out first comment.

I mean, okay, there.

There's fucking baby doll.

There is

baby girl, I think it's called.

So this is Nicole is not the only one, but she's probably the queen of middle-aged women, I'll say, that are in really good shape.

making highly sexualized movies.

And I just wonder if that bugged her husband.

I'm just, I can't help but be curious.

Oh,

she's an angle.

Yeah.

you know, she's that's an SM thing when she's on all fours drinking milk.

And does she give any guy?

You've seen more things than I have of her, which I do like her.

Because she's great actress.

Any BJs in the shower.

Yes.

And scenes.

Yes.

Really?

Yeah.

And so I have to set if, oh, I'm Kate Abbott.

And I'm like, what's on the docket today at WEC?

She's like, just your basic.

We got a couple of car scenes.

We got a couple of overhead shots with a drone and the day with a goblin goo in the shower.

Come on, that is hard, even though you're faking it.

I think it's very hard to do it.

It's big little lies where the husband was there in Monterey, and you know, I think

Rhys Witherspoon was

a really cool series, but she had a husband who was violent with her, and then she would try to tame him down.

So she was doing that activity in a shower.

And I don't like to be

as long as you don't do a BJ scene scene from behind in a shower.

Oh, I can take it.

Every script they sneak those in because bless her heart for being a good actress.

She's sort of great.

She's absolutely great.

And it's kind of a

well,

if you were in a marriage that was possibly iffy, it's not cheating.

It's the closest thing you can do.

It's like when you get, you take a movie where it's just like high

fest.

Sexual.

The thing is, I guess their their net worth is 300 million.

So you don't have to do

to pay bills.

So it is voluntary.

He had said that, oh, I don't mind watching have sex on a screen with a guy.

Yeah, I just, I know it's her art form.

I look at it as a piece of art, not her.

And

apparently, that was the idea.

Nick Swartzon's fourth special is called Fart Form.

Maybe that's what he was going for.

Art form.

Nick Swartzon, Schwartzen, I think he and Sandler signed a deal.

It's a sci-fi movie called Star Fart, and he's an astronaut with a gas problem.

He's an astronaut with a gas problem.

Oh,

there you go.

What?

Also, by the way, don't worry, Sandler.

He burns me on those group chats.

And the group chats are funny because you get like Conan or someone that used to be on the tour, or they've been on a couple days here and there.

And now everyone starts chirping in like a month later going, why am I hearing about where the car pickup is?

Go fuck yourself, you guys.

And then we're like, hey, look who it is.

So

Tim Meadows couldn't get off either.

And he's like, guys, get me off this goddamn thing.

We're like, no chance, dude.

You can't.

You're going to hear every breakfast call, every stupid question.

Yeah, it just like everyone's thinking.

It becomes like a comedy competition.

They're thinking,

and you're typing really fast to get yours in there.

And then you look at it like a minute later.

There's already 10 more jokes.

And you go, my joke sucked.

And you start feeling bad.

So I got out of it.

Humiliation.

Humiliation.

But what a blast.

I don't go back out for a little while, but I'm going to try it again.

Okay, send some more stories our way.

Let me see.

Bad

bunny.

Oh, this will be old, but he is announced as the Super Bowl halftime show.

Which.

Oh, he was a happy yo more.

I know his name.

I'm not familiar with his music.

Can somebody,

Greg or Heather, or you tell me

what is bad rabbit?

Very, very telepathic.

Oh, listen.

What is it?

Is it hip-hop?

Is it rap?

Is it country?

Is it pop?

I think

it's,

yeah, what is it?

Rap?

What would you describe?

I don't think it's rap.

Is it like Mark Anthony?

Look at Greg.

Just writes Latin music.

What if I'm not?

Oh, Latin kind of pump, pump, dumb bad.

rato lesiro pump pump pump barn pump?

Yeah,

now look, I did read this.

I thought it was funny because a lot of people, you want to have you know, Eminem or you want to have these names, Eminem from 25 years ago, these funny names, Shibuzi,

Bad Bunny was good, but I did read an article about names he was really seriously considering before he settled on Bad Bunny.

One was Cruel Rat, but it had no pop to it, you know.

I heard one was

misbehaving Aardvark.

Yeah,

there was another one.

Well, Good Bunny was there for six months.

He was Good Bunny,

and he didn't sell anything.

First, he was just rabbit.

Rabbit man.

Yeah.

Tept rabbit.

Then sort of shoulder shrugger rabbit.

He didn't know which way to go.

Yeah.

And then he went bad.

He did say, Day and though, he was mad about

the ICE situation.

And he said, I'm not doing my tour in America at all this year.

I will avoid America.

Except for the Super Bowl?

No.

And then he got off of the Super Bowl a week later.

And so that was the only controversy is that he accepted that.

I don't know his status, but Trump

is out there.

He might wait till he's in his second song.

Wait.

Okay, go get him, you know, on the Super Bowl stage.

300 million.

We'll see him.

Take it away.

Yeah, just go get the get get the backup dancers.

Yeah, so does he come in here with a green card or where's it?

Where's he from?

I think he lives here.

I think he lives in Miami.

He did happy Gilmore.

He played his caddy.

And so his buddies are.

I hear he's a nice guy.

Sandman, Sammy.

Bad Bunny actually is a good name.

It comes off that you remember it.

David Spade, it's kind of like, what?

By the way, I'll tell you,

these NFL games, because I play fantasy and stuff, I don't love the...

I know that all businesses want to be bigger.

But now there's so many NFL games.

Forget that they're going to every other channel than the ones I paid for.

Now they're going to every channel that's their own game and you got to join that.

That already infuriates me.

But I don't like international games because maybe not everything has to be worldwide.

I mean, a small thing is you go buy a razor and you go, this place has a good razor.

And then you go, oh, that's great.

Someone's calling me.

And you go, oh, this is great.

And then the next time you see the place, they sell everything under the sun.

You're like, just do the one thing you do right.

But every company has to grow.

So football, Berlin, Brazil, Ireland, and they're like at 6 a.m.

in the morning and I don't know when they're on.

And you're like, oh, how can I do that?

I wonder if the coach, when he gives a pep talk, all right, good game, gentlemen.

Next week, we're in Dublin, and we got to kick some ass in Dublin.

I mean,

it doesn't

leave America.

They're not, they go and they hand out like Steelers, terrible towels, and a lot of people are like, what team?

They don't know what's going.

Half of them don't know.

You don't have your fans there.

It's not like a home game, so there's not like that.

It's just people that they want just fill up the stadium so it looks full.

No, well, at least.

And these guys got jet lag, and they're like, I mean, no, it wipes them out.

And then I hear eventually they've run out of cities with stadiums.

And you guys, all right, next week we're going to play south of France.

We're going to play Provence.

We're going to be out in the Woodsy Field.

Let's go.

Team.

They go on Bill Gates's boat, which does have a football field, luckily.

Right.

Yeah, I got a football field, guys.

You can get on my boat if you want to.

It's longer than Jeff Pezos' boat.

That would be big.

They all have fucking yachts, these billionaires, but I'm not mad.

All right, next.

This one might get mad, whatever it is.

Let's see.

Hopefully, it's a mad one.

Kanye West adds

President.

Kanye West adds President Trump, his ex-wife Kim, and others to his betrayal list, as he reveals

he is in.

Oh, people who know.

Oh, his own kid isn't there.

No person can fix LeBron James.

Oh, these are the people that no person can fix.

Oh, my God.

Am I on this?

Hold on.

I'm fixing this.

Harriet Tubman of AWN D.

Harriet Tubman.

She's been in the stars for Curious George.

Now that's fine.

You made this up.

This is.

Is this AI?

And it says just Adolph at the end.

I think I know who he means.

Who's James Murray?

I'd like to be like a regular dude they got on here.

His doorman?

Kid Cuddy.

King Vaughan.

Pusha.

Is that Pusha T, Heather?

I don't know who.

Northwest is his daughter, right?

Yeah.

Ty dollar sign.

Why isn't my name David?

If my name Spade had a dollar sign instead of an S, I swear to God, I think it would help things.

Adolf.

We definitely need nicknames.

Adolf is what?

Adolph, just Adolph.

Yeah, Adolph's just Adolph.

We know.

He goes like this, Adolf.

You know what to do.

Uh-oh, it's not Jason Strayson again.

No, that's Eric the Midget on Stern.

He was trying to put a hit out on someone once.

And he goes, they go, what are you talking about?

This guy backed out of a deal.

And he goes, they record him going, take care of it.

And he goes, take care of what?

And he goes, you know what to do.

And everyone goes, are you trying to kill someone?

Jesus.

Look at my hair.

It's glowing from behind again, Dana.

Did you see that shit?

I know.

What is that?

We got high marks on it last time.

This is Heather's concoct.

They like this little feather thing back there because it looks like you have a little, like you're

having orbs floating around and we're fixing the lighting here.

I don't know.

I like the black background, though.

Oh, it's black all right.

Oh.

Okay.

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Okay, next story.

Yeah, they're rushing us right along.

Gaming giant EA Sports sold to Saudi-based investment group.

55 billion.

What is it, made of leather?

The guy wanted to buy it and then he had started hanging out with

Kushner.

oh kush jared kushner's involved yeah that kind of put this together that's i will say saudi arabia is sort of running the table lately they've got storm brady out of retirement

they're just normalizing saudi arabia he's playing flag football they pay him up the fucking ass all the comics went over there and it's hard to even get mad or go oh i have an opinion about it because then there's another one two days later then there's the boxing match i went to i guess i'm guilty and it's the same guy involved in all those.

I don't know about this one, but Saudi Arabia's public.

They have unlimited money.

I mean, that's the way.

Yeah, that's the thing.

You can always.

Yeah, no one can compete with them.

No one gives a shit.

They're like money, money, money, blah, blah, blah.

Luckily, I hate money.

Gervitz wants you to love money.

Dana likes money.

I guess you don't like money.

You don't like work.

I guess

you don't want to work.

You don't work there?

Because I guess you don't like money.

These guys like money.

Why is it going to take you to go to Saudi Arabia to do stand-up.

You have five seconds.

If Tom Brady says, I'll run a few patterns with you before I just go there for free.

They got tom Brady's going to play flag football.

Is that it?

Is that what they got him to do?

I think it's tied in with fanatics and stuff, but

I think they don't say, but I'm sure whatever you say, he'll go higher more than you want.

Since we are global, I'm just going to make a quick, you know, hey, Saudi Arabia, Dana Carvey from Saturday Night Live and stuff.

Will you go?

I would love to go there with David Spay.

We co-headline in the desert.

I'm sure we could do

60,000.

And

anyway, just call me Saudi Arabia.

The one I was going to do was a 4,500 seater.

I think that's where they put a lot of people that come over there.

But I don't think my thing was as a part of the festival because it was about two months ago.

Just to get you to do a one-nighter in Saudi Arabia?

Yeah, just to go to a gay guy.

As a haul, unless they pay you.

I think they're very normal.

It was more than I get it for sure.

But I think it's more like

they want to just normalize everyone going there and everyone doing business there.

So they're doing more and more and more stuff.

And people just get numb to it, of course.

I mean, if you have a problem with them or not, it just sort of all washes away.

Yeah, you get your fighter, you might get 10 million in America and there you get 100 million.

And I don't know if they pay the tax.

I think you gave Canelo a hundred million too I did get a call and it wasn't for me it was for you and what I heard on the phone it was weird it was like can you get David Speed for me we'd like to put him in small theater and I go I don't know how much money would it cost for David Speed to come to Saudi Arabia and do the funny thing he does I go I don't I'm not sure.

It's a lot of not sure what jokes would work over there.

You know what I mean?

Like, I don't know if you just don't know.

And also, they do for sure give you a list because someone posted the list, the comic Scott, at least, of what not to talk about.

And the argument is a little bit like when you go somewhere, you should talk about where you are, make fun of everything, make fun of whatever.

You can't make fun of a lot of things over there.

And you can't drink, you know, some basics.

I wonder if there's any women in the audience.

Is that a real question?

Would that be a real question or not?

Yeah, I don't know the culture of that country i don't know country to country in terms of what women are able to do i think they can kind of drive maybe during the day or something now

i saw one where they have one eye you know that they have maybe it's called a burqa but they have eyes but they had one eye because they were punishing them saying I like the you had two eyes for a while and they go, you had it too good.

I mean, what is it down to?

I mean, I don't know where, if it's everywhere there, I don't know enough.

I'm just saying wherever that is, that's a drag.

The only upside, and I'm for freedom for women.

And so the only upside is you have a uniform, you just wear it.

You got the habeab and the beam, but whatever it's called, you know, and that's it.

So fashion.

It looks like a folded umbrella.

You know, like when they go like that.

Yeah, it's a sort of slightly beekeeper motif, but yeah,

that's what you like.

That's what you like.

It's not for me.

I don't like it.

I like these light shirts.

Yeah.

I got this and that.

And black t-shirts.

Okay, let's do another one.

We're doing all right.

Let's let's see where we're going here.

Um, Chinese-made bone glue fixes fractures in just three minutes with one injection.

Ooh.

Hmm.

Oh, I can throw away my Viagra.

I figured there'd be some kind of sexual joke with bone glue.

glue.

Well, bone glue is what I call Viagra.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, if they can do this, like, let's say you go break your hand, like they show there, and you go in and they just go, and then it kind of like gorilla glues it.

That's great.

I don't know.

I cracked my ankle once doing

an Adam Sandler movie, actually.

Yeah.

Where's your bone glue?

I had to wear a boot for a little bit.

Oh, yeah.

Which one was it?

Was it Ridiculous Six?

Oh, no, no.

It was before that.

I think it was.

I think it was probably

Lil Nikki.

Yeah.

I think so.

Hey.

I'm from the South.

The deep South.

I did something on the Dana Carvey show that he liked, and he asked me, can we use that?

And I played a ref who had a high-pitched voice.

Come on, you guys.

Get it out of here, guys.

You know, that guy.

It's funny.

It is funny.

Look it up, kids.

Oh, here's another story.

It might not be in there.

I was just looking.

Maybe you can look it up.

They have an AI actor now, an actress, who has Tilly Norwood, and they're trying to get her an agent, her.

And I know

all of us

actors, you included.

No, you're not.

I'm included.

You have adding our

not disgust, but just saying, hey, if an agency signs an AI actress, it's pretty much over.

Would Gervitz ever say to an AI actress, I guess you just don't like work?

You know what I like about you?

You like money and you like to work.

You don't complain about flights because you're on a computer.

Yeah, exactly.

Meet Tilly Norwood, the AI actress.

There she is, drawing batteries.

She is cute.

I bet she's nice.

By the way, she looks like a lot of actresses.

It's like, just get an actress that's a real person.

I don't want to see a movie that's AI.

I don't care.

I don't want to see it.

It's not really.

You won't know it.

You won't know it.

It'll just, you'll hear it.

I know, but no, I will.

How would you couldn't spot it?

Because I know everything.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's getting too good.

It's really, you know,

the main thing is they're not going to replace comedians anytime soon.

I don't think that's the toughest one.

Not with jokes like Hershey.

That sounds sweet.

Sweet.

That was started the podcast.

Yeah.

That was one of my finest moments.

You could sell that on the open comedy market.

I might have long COVID now if my energy seems a little low.

I'm totally past it, but I'm a little spacey.

How do you know when you have long COVID?

You sound fine, and you seem like you're acting fine.

No, just the energy.

I was a little beat up last week after my

flight back from Chicago.

Such a roadhog lately.

I can't stand it.

Well, you can't, you can't, you can't get enough.

Don't stop till you get enough.

I do all just so I can break even.

That's the funniest part.

It's like

you got to do a lot of dates.

Yeah.

I'm blowing money on is so dumb, but whatever.

You can't fix me.

Not fixable.

All right, let's do one more, and then we'll get it.

One more.

One more.

This is it.

Oh, in more movie news.

John Malkovich movie was made in 2015, but they won't show it until 215.

A hundred years?

We got to wait for the stupid shit.

Written by Malkovich.

Oh, it's Robert Rodriguez, who's a real filmmaker.

Is it a waste of time, Dana?

Go.

No, I think it's a clever PR thing because now everyone's going to try to see it.

We should really record a special podcast, just you and me, and say it won't be released until the year 2910.

Yeah.

And see if people go, what?

Like you bury it in a tree like we did.

What was that called?

Time capsule.

I did that in fifth grade.

I was in grand arizona and i put it my addition to it was

yo-yo or something something where if you dug it up today this far later everyone would be like worthless silly putty duncan and uninteresting yeah they're like remember we used to have pencils

hey man i watched last night all the president's men and you did It's great.

I mean, I watched it.

That's such a cool one.

What do you like better, that or Butch and Sundance for Redford Go?

I think he was awfully freaking good in

all the president's men.

I mean, he must have loved it.

You know, on the big screen, they had him just full close-up and all these papers.

And I really got into how at this time, how much they had to play act Dustin Hoffman's, you know, Woodward and Bernstein to get people to talk.

So it'd say

between each other.

Yeah, because people were so scared to talk about the scandal with Nixon, so they'd go, uh, what is P?

And they go, I can't say.

And then the redford's character says, Okay, you say, What is P?

And I and I say, Hey, we know that's Peterson or whatever.

Yeah, we already know that.

Oh, so then that goes, okay, so you know that, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And no word processors, just old-fashioned typewriters.

It was very cool, which Captain Sundown's kid was mostly Paul Newman's movie, in a way.

What about Redford's good?

Never was a super fan of it.

I saw

I haven't revisited it.

Have you?

Whoa.

Well, it was a little fanciful.

Can you hum the theme?

Oh, don't whistle.

People get mad.

Do it over here.

No, you're doing it into the mic.

People get mad.

Yeah.

Go in the other room.

Piano.

Something like that.

Okay.

So, oh, I did see a movie.

This is is the last thing I'll say.

I saw a movie on the flight home, Black Bag.

Did you see it?

It was pretty good.

I never heard of it.

Kind of a suspense-y,

not even thriller, just sort of mystery, intriguing spy thing.

Kate Blanchette, my celebrity crush, was in it.

She's awfully good.

Unreal.

Weapons.

We already talked about that.

No, but they were backstage.

Everyone liked it.

I saw it a second time.

I had little different issues with it, but it still is a great

movie.

Yeah.

I don't want the jump scares, but I want to see it so I can talk to you about it.

See it.

See it and shut up.

Shut up.

Okay, well, I think this is one of the best ever.

Top 100 for sure.

We've done probably 200 of these.

I don't want to.

You know what?

We'll read a few of your comments next week, but not only the mean ones.

We read the good ones.

Yeah, we're going to have what they call fan engagement, so we love to people have thoughtful things to say about it, so sometimes that's nice.

Uh, all right, Dana, I'm gonna let you go.

Just if you could just wait while I leave and get on the freeway, keep your laptop open so it uploads properly.

That's what we really do.

Uh, okay, thanks, guys.

See you next week, dude.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye, bye-fly.

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