Kimmel + Free Speech Perspectives & A Shared Love Of Airports

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Welcome to the show.

Obviously, we didn't get to talk about Jimmy Kimmel last week.

We'll talk about him this week in a minute.

In a few minutes, we're going to weigh in on that entire situation.

And I don't want to brag, but probably our point of view will be the wisest, maybe.

Or just most important.

Most important.

So anyway, it's a more important news.

Hey, how is your weekend co-host?

So when I did this show this weekend, it was for

Farm to Veterans.

So, you know,

it's a charity show in Chicago.

This guy, Tom Tran.

was on the show with me.

He went first.

And it's funny because he had to kind of host the whole thing.

And he showed us these glasses he had on.

I go, that was a mouthful.

There he goes.

Oh, yeah.

Just put these glasses out and the teleprompters in them.

Have you seen those?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Very hill.

I have not seen those.

Is that what Mark Zuckerberg's working on?

Something like that?

Oh, the meta glasses are a miracle, really, for people who are blind.

They just make you comp.

My mother-in-law is 94 and has trouble seeing, so she'll hold up a can of something

and say, Meta, what's in there?

And it'll read the ingredients.

Oh, I thought it was just like, Meta, what's on Facebook?

And it would show it right there.

I think it's all that too.

I think you just walk around with the glasses, you put down your iPhone, and you just walk around with them.

You just go, Meta, you know, show me cnn.com right now.

And it will show up and you'll hear it.

Yeah.

So I was also reading up on Jimmy and Kimmel and a million other things on Yahoo News.

Oh, that's it.

Turned into my mom.

And the funny thing is there was some dopey story so i went to their comments i've already made one move i went to the comments they they love that okay what are people saying about this and it could be something you know about the poop cruise or it doesn't have to be anything important i'm just like mindlessly drifting through and god people have a thousands of comments about different things about the poop cruise or whatever millions and then i go oh i have a funny joke i'm going to put in

and i click on it and it says would you like to join our crazy community of people that comment on yahoo news i go no thank you i mean they're making another thing i got to do i'm going to really so then i go i know listen i do have a lot of free time i either have too much of free time or none but when i have too much i don't still have the time to click it and log in and they give a password and give them my fucking email immediately you got to give me your email for anything oh yeah they so they can fucking carpet bomb you land and grab my thing is like uh sometimes one of the things i subscribe to anyway.

Hey, would you like to weigh in, Dana?

It's just sort of like, whoa, hold on.

Hey, Dana, you've got some stupid shit to say.

Dana, what do you have to say?

And I'm a celebrity with a small C, but what is it?

Is it like, hey, Brad Pitt, want to make a comment?

I don't know.

Hey, Bradley.

Yeah.

And going all that way to make a comment about something dumb that no one cares about, it's, I go, but man, thousands of people are doing it.

Yeah, millions.

I'm going to go out on a limb.

Yeah, I sound condescending, but it's like, I like when people say the word wrong.

I'm condescending.

I would just

want to get orientated.

Wait, orientated is a word, I think.

Wait, yeah, orientated.

Orientated, but there's another one people say that I don't reorientated.

I would just say this about all this stuff, and I know it's not a news flash.

Check yourself.

If going online and being angry and posting and doing all this stuff makes you happy,

go for it.

If it makes you sad or furious, you might want to tamp it down a little bit because these algorithms, these machines, first they got us all hooked in like 2010, 11, 12, and it was just sort of to buy things and go here and there.

And now it's to incur rage.

And the algorithms know now that rage

is the emotion.

that makes them the most money.

So we are all

emotions on the board.

Rage, number one.

Number one.

So we're in a science fiction movie where these robots are making us really, really mad.

I know this isn't new, but check yourself, man.

I see people who are so in a state of hysteria about politics or anything or climate change or whatever.

But, you know, once in a while, give your brain a rest.

That's my, my, my, hot take.

It's a fucking boiling take.

All right.

Should we talk about Jimmy Kimmel?

Why not?

Jimmy, who is a friend of both of ours,

that's why it's hard to talk about these things because, you know, he's a buddy.

I have a picture of me and Jimmy in my house.

Do I have one of me and you?

Yeah.

Barried turned like this.

I don't really go out much.

There's not many of me photos of me.

I'm underground, man.

I'm just kind of a normal.

I got a picture of me and you in here.

Don't you worry.

When people say to me, oh my God, it's Dana Carvey.

I go, calm down.

I'm pathetically normal.

That's the phrase that gets, really?

Yeah, I'm pathetically normal.

There's nothing here for you.

Jimmy Kimmel, though, you know, I think also it's good to take a knee sometimes, not comment right away.

Because now we're commenting after his monologue last night, which I thought was tremendous.

You know, I really

thought it was perfect.

It was emotional.

I mean, I'm reading it here.

And this really about his thing.

Yeah, read some of it because I didn't see it.

Yeah,

about his statement.

Because when there's a shooter, each side wants it to be, you know, from the other side.

You know, that's the competition.

That means you're all the shooter.

All you guys are bad.

Yeah, that's the game going on.

That's a quick thing.

So he made a statement.

He said,

that was really the opposite.

of the point I was trying to make.

So he said, but to some, that felt ill-timed or unclear, or maybe both.

And for those who think I did point a finger, I get why you're upset.

If the situation was reversed, there's a good chance I would have felt the same way.

So that's a, you know, you know, what's the word apology?

I don't know.

That's a kind of a pointed, you know, hat in hand.

But that's, that's definitely, he's, he's, it's clear thinking, I think.

Yeah.

You know, and it's, it's both sides itis, which is great.

And,

you know, and before I go into the whole FCC part of it, I was really moved.

I saw the Charlotte Kirk's widow.

And, you know, I'm familiar with

tragedies and things like that.

So she really moved me.

And she did Jimmy Kimmel.

I did hear you said that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So she's, if you believe in the teachings of Jesus as I do, there it is.

That's it.

A selfless act of grace,

forgiveness from a grieving widow.

And it touched me deeply.

That's Jimmy.

If there's anything we should take from this tragedy to carry forward, I hope it can be that and not this.

So I thought it was just, and he was emotional about that because that thing, you know, in the end of the day, we're all Americans.

Somebody got assassinated, you know, and ideally we just come from it rather than political points.

We just, we just sort of take a grace.

It's sad and move on.

Yeah, sure.

And everyone has their own thoughts about it.

But yeah, I agree.

I mean, and the freedom of speech thing is so so murky and muddy and is,

you know,

well, it's not a hot take for us to say we're all for freedom of speech.

Sure.

You know,

well, when the Ku Kukuk Klan could walk down the streets and say whatever they wanted, it was for when I was a little kid, it was like, oh, you, you have to allow speech you really don't like for freedom of speech.

I don't think they do that anymore.

I think there's hate speech and then who decides what's hate speech?

Is it someone that you disagree with?

That's hate to me.

It's not hate to you.

Yeah.

And also people, I mean, when you're on SNL, Charles Rocket got fired for saying fuck.

And fuck.

You always, like you say, there's layers to it.

Like when I go on talk shows, I don't say whatever I want.

I say, I'm going to talk about these things.

They said, well, I'd rather you not.

Why don't you talk about this?

Why don't you talk about this?

I wouldn't say that.

And it's just so woven into your everyday of what is free speech.

There's no,

I mean,

if some boss above you, you know,

people get fired and things like that, I thought I was glad Jimmy didn't get fired.

He got sort of a slap on the wrist.

And

it's FCC, then it's affiliates, then it's advertising.

You're answering to so many people.

And if they don't agree with you, then I think you, everyone has a boss.

And they say, I don't like what you're saying.

So,

and he's very strong in his opinions.

So he says them, but they took a pause and then I guess they fixed it.

But But I didn't say anything because I thought I don't think he's going to be fired for that.

I think they're going to say, hey, come on, let's stop.

No, it's basically

basically one line.

It is a, there's different layers to this.

You know, just the first one, the chairman of the FCC, which is maybe it's archaic or whatever, it's public broadcasting.

It's ABC, CBS, NBC.

It's not cable.

It's not John Oliver.

It's not.

It's not HBO.

Oh, it's just

those for the public good.

But when the guy came out, I would say to him to his face, I say, when you say, regards Jimmy Kimmel's, whatever that's going to happen to him, we can do this the easy way or the hard way.

It's like weird.

When do those guys talk anyway?

This guy's like on podcasts.

I'm like,

why am I seeing this guy talk?

You don't see him a lot.

Am I crazy?

Right.

No, just be the FCC chairman.

And he kind of steps in shit when he talks.

It's like, oh, now we get to analyze everything you said.

Right.

And so that pushed buttons for both sides, really.

Ted Cruz came out.

No, no, no, take it easy.

Let's slow down.

And, you know, I was, when I did the Dana Carvey show, I like to bring things back to me, but this is 97

and we're after home improvement.

And we did some Clinton with Teats and something that crushed the ratings and offended a lot of people.

So we immediately started losing advertisers.

We immediately started losing affiliates.

And so we lasted eight episodes.

Affiliates.

I know.

I don't even know what I say all the time.

I don't even know what they are.

Stations, you know, stations in cities, chat.

Yeah, stations in cities.

WKRP.

And so a lot of those stations, I don't know, some in Portland and Seattle didn't do it, but I thought in conservative states, they might be more prone to that.

Sure.

I wish the FCC chairman hadn't said that, you know.

But I think that the Jimmy's

talk last night, I think, kind of put it in a completely different tilt,

different conversation.

Yeah, I would say not as much of an apology.

So he didn't really have to say his apology.

I think it's more of just a level-headed discussion.

He was probably heated the first day when he was doing his monologue.

Of course.

We all do that.

Yeah.

I mean, here's, I looked up this a little bit and it kind of started like I did because there's two kinds of, I looked it up, took five seconds, but like we do parse our words because I never want to be up there, like, hey, I'm on TV and my opinion really matters.

That's just me personally.

So I'm very,

very careful about teaching the audience.

I'm always going for the laugh.

I'm not saying this in a self-congratulatory way because sometimes you go, I want to weigh in on that.

And we do in our own way.

But it kind of started

in the early knots.

Jon Stewart, who's brilliant at the Daily Show, really started going after Cheney and Debia and all that.

And that was a very political show,

very funny.

And then it continued.

And it's for us from the Carson era, you know, we were just looking for laughs and this and that.

And Greg Gutfeld does the right, you know, so this is a whole different era we're in.

But I try to think the last time the country was completely united, I'm going to give you a chance to guess.

I would go back to 9-11.

I don't know.

That's it.

Oh, no, that's it.

Okay.

Politics went out the window.

And you kind of have to remember that when we don't have buildings falling down, you know,

we're Americans first.

And we argue and we, you know, we go crazy at each other.

But if someone attacks us, that's when we go, okay, hold on.

Hey, what?

But

I would go out and limit and say it's still a great country overall.

I'd rather be here than other countries.

But that's controversial.

So

now I'm thinking, if you say America is a great country,

that'll light up Twitter and stuff.

No.

Fuck you, man.

I'm meaning it in the context I'm saying it.

I like you're even explaining it.

It's so funny.

It's true, though.

People get so mad about it.

Okay.

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back to

I have a tragically stupid bit I could do for you

it's too much of a change up from this and I have a bit I have a bit that I thought of that I'm going to give to you because you're the guy okay good give me that first and then that'll bomb and then I'll be.

Well, I was laughing, you know, at the your Jason's state straight.

Oh, yeah, the clip we had last week.

Oh, it's funny that he just says the title of the movie, and that's kind of basically, I'm the beekeeper, or, you know, I'm the working man.

So I thought, what if he had an unwieldy thing?

I'm the baker.

And then you did it after me.

I'm the baker.

down the street who specializes in apple pie.

It's very unwieldy, but he has to say it menacingly.

I'm the baker down the street who specializes in apple pie.

I'm the.

You mess with the wrong baker because I walk down the street at the cobbler store, and it's kind of kiddy corner from where you, well.

Well, then it's,

but say especially, I specialize in apple pie, like, like you, I'm going to kill you.

No, I can't remember the whole bit, though.

But I'm the baker.

There you go.

You do it better anyway.

I don't think so.

I go,

I go Michael Caine immediately i'm the baker down the street and i specialize in apple pie okay that's like it's a threat yeah that was a beekeeper's good because like you said keep it simple we did some pickups on busboys this weekend because yes there's some there's some questions when you see it like

questions we try to answer like

why did you do this movie what is this movie i don't understand this movie oh clarity clarity clarity yeah yeah so we did some clarity clarity, and it was kind of fun to be back in the wig,

snug it on a little WD4.

WD40 doesn't go like

it's got that little straw.

Does it?

It's got the strawberry straw, but it doesn't go.

No, no, no.

All right.

But the squeaky bag.

Then what happened?

Don't be so unenthused.

Then what happened?

I did some pickups, more clarifying, not reshoots, just like, oh, this.

Now, listen, is it fucking Casablanca?

I don't know.

What's a good movie?

Is it Inception?

We got to answer all the questions.

Christ's sakes.

What are we doing?

Budley, what are you making?

Dumb and unbelievably dumber?

What is this?

Return of the Pink Panther Part 17.

What are you going for?

Anything with Dennis.

We can't go a goddamn show without Dennis.

It's so cool.

I know.

Well, this is, yeah, it's just Dennis.

All right, here's, I'm going to do an act out for you.

Ready?

This is, I watch those locked up abroad shows where you go through customs and everyone's trying to smuggle shit and they never learn.

You know, you smuggle stuff in through the TSA.

Okay, that's the setup, right?

Okay, that's the setup.

Got it.

So the guy brings the suitcase full of like, we see on the, I get alerted in my earpiece.

I'm the customs guy, right?

This is going to fucking bomb.

I'm the customs guy.

I love it.

And then I get alerted.

This guy's got in the x-ray machine 20 pounds of cocaine.

So they walk up to me and I go, hey, how you doing today?

Friendly.

And they're nervous.

What are we doing here?

Let me check out that passport.

Okay.

Oh, Brazil.

Fun.

A lot of cute girls there.

I wish I was in Brazil right now.

It's a fun time.

So what do we got going here?

A little business trip?

A little pleasure?

I already know already.

And he's like, oh, it's business.

Okay.

All right.

Well, you mind if we take a little look-see in here?

Just typical.

We pull random people out.

Just unzip it.

Check it.

You don't mind if I take it.

I'm sure everything's fine.

Oh, boy.

Oh, my shoulder's so sore.

You got to get a purple one.

You know, my friend has a purple suitcase.

Open it up.

That seems fine here.

Let me just dig through a little bit.

That's all.

I know in my head he's got 20 pounds.

Okay.

Anything you want to tell me?

Anything?

It's all good.

This is all good.

Should I keep digging?

It doesn't matter.

Oh, oh, you you got a teddy bear here.

Oh, any reason it weighs 80 pounds?

Take him away.

But I build up trust.

I'm friendly the whole time.

That's what they do.

No, that's a funny observation.

They do that.

What's going on here?

You see a guy lighting a bong.

The guy's like sweating.

Hey, guys, having a little party.

I assume they're trained at some place in that pattern.

Probably their first attempt in class might be terrible.

Hey,

what are you doing?

No, no, no.

I got to come in soft.

Yeah,

what they want to say is,

this guy looks guilty from my racial profiling.

Can you come over here?

So they can't say that.

So they go, hey, we're randomly pulling people that are drenched in sweat out

of the line.

I'm going to my favorite place today.

I'm going to the airport.

You are not.

Yeah.

No, Dana.

I love it.

All shoes, keys, everything comes out.

Laptops,

laptops, watches, belts, bye, bye.

Dude, Heather made the mistake this week.

She brought water.

What a criminal.

Didn't you bring your water through?

That's okay.

I was going to refill it.

She was going to refill it, but the guy is like,

like he caught the big fucking mob boss.

And she's like, right, my water.

Yeah.

What do you want me to do?

Can I just fucking go?

And he's like, oh, I wish it was that simple.

Don't you remember 9-11?

Not much.

She's like, I don't remember them throwing water on anyone.

So then she has to go back, dump it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay, here's

a secret.

Because I saw it in Denver.

My mother-in-law, we were going to the Denver airport.

My mother-in-law walks fine, but it's like seven miles to get to the campus.

Oh, Denver's

ridiculous.

You know, I have, you know, so anyway, so my wife and I are behind her, and we have a guide with her, and we're just blowing through doors.

We're just going everywhere.

We have a guide.

A guide taking us past this, waving at me.

Everybody's happy.

Go, go, go.

That's the way to go through it.

Otherwise, it's like,

how are you guys doing today?

You know what the worst part is?

The guy goes, like, if you get a greeter and they go, they get like eight bags.

They go, okay, beep, beep.

The guy goes, hey, I got us a little cart because it's about a mile.

And I go, no, I want to walk.

We got an hour.

He's like, huh?

And I'm like, you can ride if you want.

No, I'm going to walk with these guys.

Then I tip the lady because she pulled her card up that I didn't ask for.

Anyway, then we walk and the guy's like, all he's thinking is, why does this prick want to walk?

And I'm like, because I just, I'm going to sit for six hours, dude.

Well, and also, you, you going through and you're David Spade.

You look like Miss America or something.

They're all walking.

Hello.

I'm on CD.

Yeah.

Beep.

They're always like, man, get the fuck out of the way.

We got.

Whoever this is.

Yeah.

It's the guy from that thing that you saw on that thing.

You You better, you know him.

You know him.

Come on, man.

Oh, Heather, like this one.

We did our reshoots the other day or whatever we called them.

And we're at this little beach bungalow.

I don't want to give the whole movie away.

Oh, already.

Heather knows the guy that

the guy that rents you the place.

This is all

our favorite term inside baseball.

Meanwhile, it's never about baseball.

So he goes,

He's a guy, nice looking guy with big hot dog bags under his eyes, right?

This is other people's words.

So perfectly.

Well, he's an older gentleman, and he owns the four little shacks on the beach.

We were looking for sort of an inexpensive little

apartment.

He bought it in 1958.

Go ahead.

Honestly, he's had it for 40 years.

40 years.

So he paid 30.

So actually,

it was like a good color blue.

It looks like some such an artiste.

Anyway, it just looks cool.

And it's the kind I used to dream of staying in, a little tiny crash pad, go to the beach every day.

Good.

So he's there and he goes.

and of course, they rent it, so there's supposed to be nowhere near the premises, right?

There's supposed to be nowhere, anyway.

He's right in front, yeah, and he's right in front.

He's supposed to get lost, pal.

We're paying for which one of you people's famous.

That's what he says.

And I go, uh, and we're all just looking around.

I go, Well, we all are.

We're all just trying to make a movie.

No one's really that famous.

And then Heather goes, Oh, he was on Scient Live.

And he goes, Oh, zeroes in on me.

Okay.

Really squinting and trying to soak me all in.

Nothing's registering.

Like not enough.

But okay, maybe I take your picture with me.

I go, what is an accent?

I don't know.

That's what he sounded like.

No,

I don't know.

I was somebody say, hey, did you know that Dana Garney guy, that Churchill guy?

That guy was a kick in the pants.

You know what?

No, then you are a kick in the pants, but it is not.

He's just an older landlord.

And then he goes,

I take your picture with you.

I go, take my picture with me.

Yeah.

Okay.

So we take a picture.

Then he's like, and I know now he's starting to send it around.

I'm like, who the fuck is this guy?

And then he goes, what's your name?

And I tell him.

His accent's getting more medical.

Reggie.

I don't know.

It's a little over the place.

Oh, I like it.

And then he goes, huh?

Spell it.

It's getting more humiliating.

I'm like, well, we got to shoot in a second.

But yeah, here it is.

Then I leave.

And then he's got Heather.

And now he's grilling Heather on why am I famous?

What have I done?

Am I really famous?

What'd that guy do?

That guy doesn't seem funny to you.

Oh, spell my name three times.

And then still, when I leave, he's like,

you know, and I'm like, why do you need the spelling?

You're going to fucking tag me on TikTok.

And dude, you just don't worry about it.

You got the picture.

Show it to someone.

At some point, someone will go, yeah, okay, I know who that guy is.

Would you guess that that guy is retired or working full-time?

He's retired.

He's renting all those out.

And

he's happy as a clam.

And then

each little beach bungalow has like

two beat-up chairs from tangs made of wicker for the last 40 years.

And one of the crew guys is sitting on one.

And I see him.

It's way down the end.

He's like this.

I know he's like,

I don't like it, but I'm not going to say anything.

He's like the beekeeper.

I'm the beachkeeper.

I'm the beachkeeper.

I attack celebrities with stupid questions.

The beachkeeper is great.

i'm the beach keeper and i annoy

the beachkeeper

and he's and i'm like can someone give this guy his 24 for the half-day rental so we can just wrap it up with him i i think here's an observation oh he says yeah he's retired when my dad retired the minutia of he and my mom what they would talk about

it'd be in a grocery store oh jesus christ why do they have the water over here

what's that about or driving down the street?

Oh, oh, they, oh, the parking lot they put in.

Why'd they put in a parking lot?

So everything was just like, what?

Spots are so skinny.

Yeah.

Oh, look, a tree.

You know, what?

What about it?

It's a tree.

That's all.

And then she has an opinion, too.

I like trees here.

This store's our favorite, but they moved where the water was.

Why?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Why do they have to change things?

And then he goes, oh, I'm sorry.

Are we boring you, LA boy?

And you're like, sort of.

He said to me once, and I kind of agree with him.

He goes, oh, music was simply better in the 50s.

You know, Frankie Avalon.

Well, I don't know.

I like the Beatles, but.

Yeah.

But that guy, it sounds like he ran into a retired guy with a capital R, living off Ren.

And so to you, you were like a shiny object like, oh my God,

something new.

They have cameras.

And this guy was was on television.

I don't have a fucking clue who he was until Heather told me, who's Heather?

His friend said he's on TV, but I go, he doesn't look like he's on TV.

She promised he's famous.

She promised.

And really famous.

I want to get Adam Sandler.

I get David Spoodley.

Yeah, the last guy he rented that place to is Red Skelton.

Also, Charlotte McKinney's in in it, and she had a scene in that place.

And I wanted to say it was Margot Robbie because she's blonde.

And I couldn't do it because she would have killed her.

But then later, she said, I said, Did you ever talk to a guy?

She goes, The owner?

I go, Yeah.

She goes, Yeah.

I go, Do you have a lot of questions?

She goes, Yes.

Jesus Christ.

Because he's just zeroing it.

And then the director he found, what else have you done?

What do you do?

Just point camera.

Everything was quite not enough to impress him.

The last guy I found out on was Buddy Hackett, circa 1967.

Here, I'll tell you guys.

I just like the red skeleton reference.

I already told you.

This is another punchline.

They were on Family Feud in the old days,

and they had the grandma, you know, at the end.

And they go, name someone known for spooky movies.

And this is, by the way, in the 80s.

So someone says, Bella Lugosi, and it was a ding.

And then they go, come on, grandma.

And she's like, and she's got the last X.

And she goes, Red Skeleton?

Skeleton.

And everyone goes,

and they're like, okay, hopefully.

And he goes,

he didn't even get to show me Red Skeleton because his name is Red Skeleton.

Red Skeleton.

Now, for those people who don't know, he was this comedian from the 40s and movies.

And then he had a show.

And he had these two characters.

And he'd say, Good night, and God bless.

So he was like, Yeah.

I played the golden nugget in Rena.

Red Skelton was

a headliner.

No, he was just there a lot.

So I'm in the

suite they gave me in the bed, and there's just a gigantic black and white photo of Red Skeleton, right?

I'm

asleep.

And he's like lording over me.

And then I go backstage, and they used to torture an elephant.

They had a trained elephant that would jump around.

And the only thing that was left was this big metal thing attached to the cement and the chain that I guess Clarence was attached to.

And they didn't remove it right before I go on.

I got to see an animal torture device.

Okay,

that's that's a good idea.

Don't get me going on animal torture.

Don't like it.

I'd rather have them torture red skeleton.

All right, so let's get to some videos of news and then we'll wrap up.

Get the airport

and we'll get you out of here.

All right, I'm good.

A single night.

I'm going to read this.

A single night of poor sleep can make you 60%

more reactive to negative emotions the next day.

I would say it would make you more negative just straight up the next day.

Well, maybe the reason

this person's having poor sleep is because they're just redundantly thinking negative thoughts.

Or he's doing what I do on every road gig where the fucking sun goes in your eyes right when you wake up at six in the morning and he didn't close them all the way.

And look at the sun goes right.

His neck is bent up.

He's got bright light in his face and he's just going, why didn't I sleep well?

Oh, that guy.

I thought it was Zach Efron, but I think that's just an AI tired guy.

Is that what you have to put in Chat GBT?

Give me a tired guy.

That's definitely AI, man.

Fucking AI.

That's fucking AI.

That's fucking AI, bro.

It's AI, man.

Say I.

AI, man, bro.

No, chill.

I want to be that guy.

I want to be that guy.

You know, it's cool.

It's cool, bro.

Chill, man.

You know,

I got you.

I got your back, bro.

You know, whatever you want, man, I get for you.

You know, hey, it's chill.

You know, I appreciate you, bro.

I appreciate you so much.

Whenever I.

He's a fast talking con guy in a movie.

Well, you know, I do.

I've always been generous because I lived off tips.

But when I tip now, people are more appreciative because of fucking inflation and the world's so expensive.

And sometimes I'll get 20 stacked in my jacket and I'm just like hitting people sometimes going in, going out.

And he goes, yo, bro, I got to thank you, man.

You know, times are tough, you know, and I know you've given me four 20s today, but could,

you know, could I get another one?

Make it an even five.

Why don't we make it a stingy five?

Could you make it a C note?

And I go, I don't have anything on me.

Well, then fuck you, bro.

You know what?

Yeah, hoard it all.

Take it with you.

You know, I will say you're not going to get written up.

in the Daily Mail

by tipping under 100%.

And you won't even get written up then.

You need to leave five grand or something.

You know, that's a good trick to be like, hey, publicist just left five grand tip at fucking Bennigan's.

You know what to do.

I think you know what to do.

It's right and just.

If you have a few, what do you call it?

Beans in your jeans.

Yeah.

Spread them around.

Spread them around.

So at this hotel I stay at in LA a lot,

this grandmother

does room service, which I used to do, bringing the tray.

And she's a grandmother.

It seems to me, you know, so I do help her out.

I work with her.

Grandma is working her ass out.

You know what?

I read an article about that.

It said, Dana Carvey shadows grandmother for a whole shift.

You can't win for a whole shift to study for a new movie called.

Garth Won't Let Grandmother Alone.

By the way, Heather, I just dropped the lid of those papayas and I tried to put it on this thing three times.

And that's why I said, fuck you, fucking lid.

I was so mad.

It fell three times while Dana's telling this.

Oh, my God.

What's falling?

Because I adjust.

I put on a hat halfway through.

I'm trying to get Superman in the fly on the wall.

I got the plan.

I'm adjusting.

Yeah.

I can't read Fly on the Wall in that box back there.

But Heather, can you believe I did that three times right there?

That thing weighs three.

I'll put it back on.

That's what I was trying not to do.

Oh, here's my papayas.

Here's a lid that slips and you can't ever get it down.

It looks like an ad on Instagram.

Welcome.

And then I put it on the table, which is three inches and this is four.

And so it just kept falling.

And then I put it in falling.

And you're telling that story.

And I'm like, God damn, Dana, I'm going to lose him in this story about his parents talking about

foods.

Yeah.

Bro, I feel you, bro, man.

That's that's

I know what you're saying, man, because like sometimes you go for a piece of fruit and it's like not good inside, right?

And you're like, you don't want to get mad at the fruit.

You peel it and you go, I don't think it's going to work for me, bro, you know, but sometimes I'll just eat it anyway, you know, because everything that deserves it to come to fruition, no pun intended.

Fruit wish.

It's my new character called Bro Guy.

It's a little bit of Garth.

I appreciate you, bro.

Hey, bro.

I like the guy that constantly keeps shaking your hand before they leave.

Hey, man, come on, bring it in, dude.

You're fucking the best, dude.

Hey, man, good to see you.

Hey, best luck to you.

Hey, come on, remember those khaki pants I had that you wanted to get a hold of from the gag?

I did get them.

I did get them.

Dude, they existed.

They weren't changed.

Well, they did.

They go, only one person has ever bought these in history.

No, but the guy came in and goes, oh, I mean, room service guy comes in and goes, man, bro, where'd you get those pants?

I go, really?

They're $10 at the gap.

I told you, I like them too.

I know.

You're eyes.

You know what you're doing, dude.

You look cool.

Danny, you know, I'm running around all day, as you know.

You actually, that's no joke.

You do go around.

You're getting that car.

You're getting my steps.

I get the steps.

And if I don't get my 2,000 steps a day i get out and walk

um i'm not bragging but that's what i do so listen i need a little energy in the day of course

cachava okay it comes in a bag right it's a body meal it's a whole body meal so

you mix it up either plain

you know i kind of like throwing a little um

peanut butter right that's just me you can do whatever you want add stuff there's a lot of great ingredients in there already.

They've got maca root, goji berry, chia seeds, so many things.

But if you want to be energized, focused, calm, and satiated for hours, throw in one of these.

I like chocolate, they have also vanilla.

Chai, is that a word?

Yeah, I'd say you add a little bit of peanut butter, a little bit of banana, maybe a little bit of um yogurt, and then mix it in a blender or with a big spoon and gulp it down, not hungry and full of energy all day.

Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

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All right, one more story, even though we've only done two.

Here we go.

Oh, this one.

Tell me if you're into this.

Okay.

Should we read that first?

No, it's video.

Bad news, but Sweden has officially done it while everyone was distracted.

This is what they're saying.

You like this or you don't like this?

Literally, into your country as we speak, and this is why everything is happening by design.

So, you put a chip in your hand

when Elias goes to work, and that's the biometric.

And he doesn't need money.

In fact, much of what he needs to get through the drugs.

I mean, this is so close to what we do anyway.

Yeah.

Oh, weird.

Yeah, it's like a grandma.

of rice.

Embedded in his hand is a microchip.

Which is a real piece of rice.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's all on chip.

I can't get over the guy in the beginning.

Turn it off.

We get it.

So he buys everything, does everything all day.

It's like a credit card.

Do you want it or do you not?

Is it good or is it bad?

I know it's coming.

I know it's the future.

You're getting one later today.

So let me know where we had.

We have to get one for the podcast.

I got a little distracted for baby boomers because the guy in the beginning looked like the grandson of Dr.

Smith from Lawson Space.

Can we put that picture up again?

Just the guy from the beginning of that thing with the first guy.

The slits for eyes.

Can we put that up?

The stoner dude trying to tell the story.

Please stand by.

We'll get it out.

Stand by.

Because I never got past that.

But I do think

chips.

But then you can't get it.

You can't take it out.

Well,

I mean, they know where you are.

I guess that's the problem.

It's like having that guy.

Hey, man.

Hey.

What?

Yeah.

Fuck, I woke up and found the store.

Do you think it's fucking nuts?

Look at his mustache.

He's a full McDonald's, Heather.

The microchips are not that exciting.

He's a full M from McDonald's.

Oh, bro, I'll be honest, man.

I don't know if that's a real nose or real eyes or a real mustache, man.

But just cool look.

Okay, one more, and then we got to get Dana.

I got to let you go.

We are now boarding, please.

We can push back if everyone takes a seat.

We're holding for Dana Carvey to get here.

For the churchly, okay, let's see what this is.

Women talked about mysterious automatic photos on iPhones.

I've had that wild and crazy Friday night findings.

We just discovered, which we already knew, that your phone, an iPhone specifically, takes an infrared picture of you with your face ID every five-ish seconds.

And we ever heard of this, Heather?

Did we talk about this?

And it's pretty wild.

Let's show you.

Okay.

Have your home screen?

It's on the home screen.

Not touching anything.

Nothing.

Okay.

Infrared lens on the camera.

Boom.

There was one.

Two.

That's so wild.

Okay.

Why would it do that?

Okay.

Oh, there's another one.

Okay.

Nothing.

Oh, it blocks it.

Oh, it's trying.

It's taking pictures of your finger.

Okay, move your finger.

Ready?

What does it want?

I'm not sure what I'm looking at.

Well, the phone...

takes snapshots of you every five seconds when you face yourself.

Why?

and it doesn't stop i mean how long i mean i think it does it when it

when you flip the camera around possibly is that sometimes they do uh id on my iphone and the little green thing shows up and choose

face id right face id

and then you're so hung over it doesn't it goes who are you and you go this is just a distorted version of me

oh yeah oh yeah all right

leave on that clunker or do you want to one more no let's do one more is let's let's go out with the banger.

Impossible.

Let's try it.

Would this be the.

Oh, this will gross you out.

Okay, go ahead.

Play.

Don't even jump ahead.

This is Heather's Drain by Carson's house in Madison, Wisconsin.

So Dave Porzinger has 10 daughters.

10.

They have three sets of twins amongst their daughters, which is just incredible.

And he says,

Bus boys.

Draino.

We work in sewage and bus boys.

This should be a scene.

Oh my God.

Yes.

DVD extras.

It's just, he hasn't been able to do it.

But I believe it should be able to talk.

He's seeded up, hired a plumber.

That thing should speak.

Okay, turn it on.

That's how evolved it is.

So 10 daughters.

And he keeps getting clogged.

He goes, I portaled Draino in there.

You think Draino is going to kill that monster?

Well, when did it clog when it was like just 10 feet long?

I mean, when does it just, it's still, there's still more hair going in?

Where's

the house stacking up?

I don't know.

Let me see these freak kids with the hair.

Do they have any left on their head?

They're all bald.

I feel like it just,

it gained sentience, which is like almost became human.

And I think it was like, me like hair clog, me getting stronger.

Need more daughters with multiple shampoos per day where hairs fall out why are you being so specific hair monster I don't know I'm not

having a great day because I'm trending and I like to be secret in the sua yeah they found me out that one tastes like sels and blue I don't like it selfs and blue good one you know I like I like suave

shockingly I like pro

if I can get a mouthful of prel and hair I'm a happy sua monster.

Prell.

No one even knows what Prel is.

I like that you ran with that.

Well, Prell's from the 60s, right?

So funny.

I just took the top off again, Heather.

I'm doing it again.

So I'm going to eat this.

All right.

Anyway,

we will tell you on the next show how it went when I took the top off for the fourth time.

Right.

Right.

We're open to any ideas.

We're going to...

We have some exciting news next week.

Yes, we'll tell you next week.

So get us.

Tell us next week.

All right.

thanks for watching.

Goodbye, everybody.

Goodbye.

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Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey, an executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Maddie Sprung-Kaiser, and Leah Reese-Dennis of Odyssey.

Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet Tech.

Booking by Cultivated Entertainment.

Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Maura Curran, Melissa Wester, Hilary Schuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor, Sean Cherry, Kurt Courtney, and Lauren Vieira.

Reach out with us any questions to be asked and answered on the show.

You can email us at flyonthewall at odyssey.com.

That's A-U-D-A-C-Y.com.