Giggling about rage bait, prom, and ex boyfriends

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Sup, gigglers.

Gary, fix the Wi-Fi.

Manifest that shit.

We can't be managed.

I mean, the day just got away from me.

Good morning, gigglers.

Now, I know that this pod gets listened to at many different times of the day.

You could be going to work.

You could be, you know, coming home from work.

Coming home from work.

Those are the two times of the day.

You were thinking of murdering your husband.

So many different times of the day.

But this is the morning for us.

And we have to tell you that because I don't normally form a full coherent sentence till around 5 p.m.

Well, you still have like.

No.

Your face is asleep.

Your voice is asleep.

I have marked my face from my pillow.

You walked in as if like you meant to go to the bathroom to pee, but you found yourself in the podcast room.

You're like, hey guys, what are you doing here?

So for people who don't know, we record the pod at my apartment.

So Paige has been up.

When did you wake up?

6 a.m.

You look like you've been doing Pilates.

You've planned the day for your children already.

You dropped them off at school.

I'm actually hair oiling right now.

I'm multitasking.

I was like, should I put an outfit on?

I was like, you know what?

No, I'm probably going to walk like toward my apartment from Hannah's Hannah's giving steps in in the morning.

Then I have a Zoom meeting, not till one.

Like I have to, I'm planning on my things.

See, I woke up at 6.30 a.m.

in fear that I missed the podcast.

Perfect.

And then I was like, oh my God, it's only 6.30.

Let me just explain.

She physically couldn't miss the podcast because it's in her home.

I mean, at some point, I'd come into your room and say, hey, we have to do the pod.

Also, no, who's going to fire me?

Like, this is some deep, deep trauma.

I mean, I know that we created giggly squad but like giggly squad is so giggly squad coded like i don't know how else to explain it we've lost control it's so giggly squad coded coded we don't have a podcast studio we barely have a room you're moving out we have nowhere to record it's like i come all the way down to the east side like there's just so many things that are so we're like we don't care but also it's just like

makes it perfect this is the chaos we need for our creative energy.

Okay, so I saw a girl on TikTok who made, which I didn't even know this was a discourse among podcast listeners, where she was like, I'm so sick of every podcast I've ever listened to at some point go into just like an interview show where they'll have like an influencer or a celebrity and like whatever.

And she was like, My only podcast that doesn't do interviews is Giggly Squad.

I honestly think it was the week we had the cat psychic on, but anyway,

that wasn't wasn't an interview.

That was recon.

Yeah, that was like that.

The FBI sent her, like, that was above us.

Yeah, that was just low.

But I was, I commented because I was like, it actually makes me anxious thinking about bringing a third party into our chaos and being like, just sit down and like be on our pod.

Like, you know, it's so jarring for the normal person.

No, also, it's because we can't organize it.

You know, how many steps involves getting someone physically?

I think about that all the time.

Also, an hour is a long time to talk to someone that you've just met.

Yeah, no, if we ever interviewed people,

this would be like in our 60s, I feel.

Like, are you okay?

Sorry.

Also, you haven't even commented that my boobs are taking over the whole room.

I was gonna bring that up.

My eyes aren't fully open.

So, I haven't seen anything yet.

Um, what's going on?

Honestly, I don't know.

Like, I don't want to diagnose you with anything, but you do have like

so many things.

But like, what is it where you're just obsessed with your boobs all the time?

I don't think there's a word for that.

People walk in and be like, you haven't commented on my boobs.

Well, I'd be like, I've never had them.

I've never had them.

This is the first time ever that I've had them.

So when are you?

This is what I meant to ask you, though.

When are you getting your period?

Oh.

What's your schedule?

I think in like a week.

Okay, so like I would be early, but like here we are.

Who knows?

This, I don't want to like make your head big, but I didn't get boobs till I was 18.

Go, I'm 32.

I could be going through like another puberty.

No, I just think that I'm my horn.

Well, your fingers keep growing.

So quickly.

Your fingers keep growing.

Always.

You're like, it's like.

My nose is so long right now.

They actually do like chicken talons.

I killed the whole family yesterday because I've been playing tennis.

Wait.

This brings me to my my next point that I need to tell the gigglers.

So, Hannah and I do like a bunch of things together.

What kind of mafia sketchy shit was that?

Hannah and I are always together doing things.

Look, we're doing stuff on the side.

So, sometimes we have to arrive to a set, and sometimes there's other people that are working on said set now.

So, we've never been on a set before, by the way.

We've been on multiple sets together.

Okay, we have been on multiple sets together.

Continue.

And so as a former child model, I know that you show up to set with three things.

Clean hair, clean nails,

and overall just like clean toes or like cleanliness in some sort.

Shaven legs.

You just come as, you come as a specimen for them to create their canvas.

Okay.

So Hannah and I show up to the set where it both, I actually this day came hair and makeup ready because I was at something else.

So I get to set and they're like, Hannah's in hair and makeup.

And they're like, Okay.

They're like, Do you want to touch up?

I'm like, Let me just like see.

So I walk in.

I'm like, Should I get a touch up?

The hair and makeup people are like, You're perfect.

You're stunning.

Like, maybe some hair spray.

We don't even want to spray.

They're like, We don't want to ruin whatever.

They're like, You're so naturally

have it going on.

Like, you can go sit in your trailer and wait for everyone.

And they look at Hannah and they're like,

We're actually going to need to call

our boss

because

we're

what to do with you.

You don't even know the drama that I started before you came.

No, I don't.

I walk in, realize I got my period.

By the way,

there's so many more important people.

So many.

Like on the center of more important things happening.

My only job is to like not be a nuisance for people.

Just be there and like

and not be heard, not be seen, speak when spoken to you.

You're literally a child of the 90s.

I walk in immediately.

I'm like start bleeding out.

I'm like, of course I actually, you know what's funny?

I actually didn't have a tampon at home.

Yeah.

Like that was on me.

Yeah.

I should.

I'm not like an

Hannah.

I never have a tampon.

Like when they show in movies where people like just go into bathrooms, like, oh, do you have a tampon?

Yeah.

I'm like, are you on your period?

You know how you just put the, there's remote the purses our page walks around and one large tampon would be sticking out also these large tampons why are they dildo-sized never in the 16 years i've had a period have i ever had a tampon when i got my period that's crazy work anyway Have you ever like lost your virginity because of one of those large tampons?

Because that's the only one left.

No, I actually think they give me UTIs.

I'm like, okay.

And then you can't pull them out because you've corked yourself.

I'm like, I could have been having sex with strange men, but yet here I am because it was an organic cotton.

Give me a fucking break.

Anyway, the tampon and issue should be stopped.

So, yeah, I asked them for a tampon, and you could tell it threw them.

Like, they were like,

they're running around, and I'm just like, look, I don't want to bleed out.

So, like, this insurance, like, figure it out.

So, I already felt bad.

So, they got me the tampon.

Then I realized that my tone, look, my toes weren't done.

But I tried to make it like I had.

That's not a big deal.

Well, I tried to make it like

just part of my toe had, toenail had like fallen off.

Yeah.

They were chipped.

I was like, oh, I have a chip.

They actually weren't even chipped.

Your big toe was jagged because part of the nail had fallen off.

So it looked like it was chipped, but it was actually, there's no nail there.

And also, the other nails were outgrown.

Like the whole thing.

But I tried to be like, oh my god, an accident just occurred as I was putting in my tampon.

I strangled myself with my tampon.

I've lost a toe.

But also, mind you, oh wait, this is my.

This is all also like, we're dealing with like people in their 20s that are supposed to be like dealing with us.

And we're like, we're so sorry.

They're like, yeah, no, like, we actually have to ask someone to go in.

It's like, this is, we've never dealt with this level of distress before.

They told you, they were like, wear what you want.

okay so

when we do things together sometimes we'll be like okay let's just like make sure the outfits are cohesive like are you guys gonna get a stylus like are you doing it on your like there's a lot of questions and for whenever something's different like different processes and also like we're a team like we're a team we so like i know what people say to paige and paige knows what people say to me and i know that their bait should be

related and we're a team.

And so they called me and they were like, whatever you want to wear, we totally trust you.

Like, do whatever, send us pictures.

We literally don't care.

And I'm like, great.

So I get off the phone.

I'm like, I have three things that I have in mind.

I'm going to send them pictures.

One of the things they're like, we're literally obsessed.

We love this.

This is perfect.

You totally get the vibe.

I'm like.

The easiest work day I've ever had.

I call Hannah and I'm like, oh, what are you wearing?

And she was like, oh, I have to use this time.

I had to bring on eight people.

I had a full like team in Sweden trying to figure out what's going to look good.

And I show up with like 10 options.

I walk in the green room and they're like, no.

And actually, wait, they didn't even look.

They brought their own stuff before they even looked what I brought.

Yeah.

But one of the things ended up fitting, which was great.

And you looked.

gorgeous.

Gorgeous.

So we're happy.

They put me in hair and makeup.

they also realized that her nails weren't done my hand nails aren't done and hannah was like no one's gonna be looking that close like honestly guys she was telling them

she was telling them not to worry about they're like she was like it's not a problem at all anyway this shoot was not a rush like we could not have more time but i was like i don't want anyone to touch i don't want to be done like don't don't touch me

Literally, you were like, this is who I am.

If you don't like who I am, you should have hired someone else.

You were literally having a Britney Spears moment.

You were like, I want to make the music I want to make.

I'm not going to be confined to this pop star lifestyle.

I'm not getting my nails done.

I'm over there full acrylics.

I'm like, she's such a broken.

By the way, like, this makeup artist, you could tell she's like, I don't want to do your nails either.

But there is a bigger thing happening here.

And we have an aesthetic.

We have a contract.

And she's like, let me just do your nails.

And I was like, literally like a baby.

You know, when you have to like put a coat on a kid.

And they're like, no, I am.

No, you are the equivalent to

you have a matching hat to your outfit.

It makes a whole outfit.

And your child refuses to put the matching hat on.

No, it's literally what I did to my mom all the time.

She would put it on, get the photo, and then let me like chuck the hat.

Yeah, that you were having, you were having the 33-year-old version of that.

No, it's like a kid on Halloween where you like have your Halloween outfit, but it's freezing.

Your mom's like, you're going to get pneumonia.

You have to put this on.

And And you're like, no, but I like, I have no, like, I'll die if I have to put that on.

But I'm like, dressed as Belle.

Yeah.

So, like, what?

Belle doesn't wear a coat.

I'm sorry.

Have you ever seen Belle with a coat?

I know she's in France, but like.

Child logic actually

is

like so authentic.

It's like, name a time where you've seen me with a coat.

When I was hanging with Lois, she's in her why phase.

So I'd say something and she'd be like, why?

Yeah.

This bitch got me philosophical.

I was like, I don't know why the pool is like like that.

We need to, there's something about, you want to know what?

This is such an interesting observation.

Lois is a firstborn daughter.

I'm so obsessed with her.

So she comes over to my bedroom table.

We'll finish the other story.

Just quick sidebar.

And I have actually Tatcha lip stuff, which I love, by the way.

In the little.

The little.

Love.

Probably $45.

She's like.

Aesthetically gorgeous.

Gorgeous.

And she's like, Can I?

Well, she wasn't.

She took it and she starts putting it on.

And I'm like, you're the love of my life.

Like, do whatever you want.

Like, burn everything in my house.

I love you.

If that's fun for you, put it on my house down.

Yes.

So she's like, hydration, hydration, hydration.

And we're laughing.

She's sticking her little finger in it, which is the same size as my little finger, let's be honest.

So then she's done.

And she's like, my finger is like dirty.

So next to my bed, I obviously had just like

whatever.

That's exactly it.

You had, I don't know, whatever.

Just that.

If I could describe Sahana's aesthetic, it's, I don't know, whatever.

But I must have like blown my nose like four days ago and had like a tissue or like a, but it wasn't like dirty, dirty.

Yeah.

Like it was.

You had a paper towel.

There was a paper.

It was a paper towel, but like had been used at some point in my life.

So I go.

But like could be used a second time.

Paper towels don't grow on trees.

So I go, give me your little finger and I can use the edge of this toilet paper or whatever it was.

Yeah.

And she goes, is that dirty?

And I go, and I don't like lying to kids, but I realize you have to.

You have to.

But the police.

But she can tell when I'm lying.

She gets his face where she's like,

she's on to me.

And I'm like, yes, but it's not too dirty.

And she's like,

No, that's dirty.

And I'm like, okay,

you read me to film.

You're actually spot on.

I was lying to you.

No, they're lie detective.

And then she's like, why would you lie?

And I was like, because I don't want to get up and get you a new fucking towel for your little finger.

She's like, that is so uncool.

So the girl does my nails.

I'm livid.

No, so the Mian are sitting in like a separate area.

And they come back and they're like, okay, we got clarification.

Onions, nails.

And we are, in fact, going to paint them.

So

we're looking for a nail polish right now.

These people quit the industry after this day.

Like that was their dream.

They moved to New York to work in

TV film.

New York City.

And then they're like, mom, I can't do it.

They're like on a pod next week.

They're like, what was your like most stressful celebrity you ever met?

So then I'm probably forgetting stuff because there was definitely more chaos.

Oh.

Well, they did my hair and makeup and then we had to wait a while.

Yeah.

And then they looked at me and they were like, Yeah, we're gonna have to do that again.

Like, I guess it just melted off my oily face.

I said preserve.

They looked at me.

I literally was like a petrified

something in Harry Potter.

I was like,

They did not give you one touch-up the entire day.

They did.

Oh, you know, I know.

I didn't redo my makeup.

I know, but I was in a trailer.

I know.

Anyway, we get to this like green room where like a bunch of people are hanging out, and a model walks in.

Yes,

her nails aren't on.

Barely?

See that to me?

You just

wait.

I didn't.

So you were sitting there the whole time being

at her nails.

Wow.

Look at those bare nails.

I was like, no one's going to,

no one sees that.

But then I like, obviously, she has like really long, beautiful model fingers.

But like.

So what was it?

What was it?

Was it a discrimination against no nail polish or was it the discrimination against your short fingers?

So now I'm reporting to something.

Yeah.

Someone's getting reported.

Some type of HR violation.

There was an HR violation.

So, and then the next day, I'm walking around and I have to go to somewhere important, but obviously they just put like a

chip.

Wait, this was the other thing.

They were like scouring for a nail polish.

Oh, that.

And

they were like, don't worry.

Okay, we're like, we're going to get a nail polish.

They come back with this like red color.

The girl's like doing it.

And she's like, Okay, like, should I do another coat?

And Hannah's like, No,

no, like, this is good enough.

Like, let's be done.

She's like, I really think that there needs to be another coat.

This is the problem.

I think I'm like super nice and polite about it.

Like, I'll be like, Oh my god, no, it's okay.

And she's looking at me.

She's like, No, it's not okay.

I'm like, Oh my god, no, it's okay.

And she's like, No, this isn't okay.

Yeah.

But then the next day, I had.

And do you want to know what?

That is society on how much they've beaten women down because we have to be so fucking overly nice or we're criticized.

I mean, it's the plight of being a woman.

It's literally, you can't do anything.

Wait, your vocabulary is so good for this time of the morning.

Thank you.

Like so much.

I'm hopping.

You're running circles around me.

I'm like, ah bad da bad da bada.

So this is the best.

I've had eight Dunkin' refreshers.

I'm fucking ready to go.

No, the Dunkin' Refresher is hitting.

Which refresher are you drinking?

No, I'm obsessed with Dunkin' this summer.

Okay, I have the strawberry dragon fruit refresher with sparkling water.

Love.

I have the mango pineapple refresher with less concentrate and green tea.

I drink a lot today.

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The next day, I had to shoot something also, and I show up and I just have chipped red nails, which look way worse than if I just had raw nails.

So it's just raw nails is a domino effect.

And this is all because I've been away from Jacqueline.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Has Jacqueline said anything about me?

No, she hasn't.

I'm seeing her actually this week.

Okay.

Um, we haven't really talked about you though.

The other day, though, I did say I was like, should I take a break and like just do natural nails and like chill for a little?

And she looked at me.

Oh no, she hates you.

She's like, you know, no, why would you do that?

Okay, bad.

Jack.

I've tried with her.

I've tried with her.

Wait, I just got PTSD of like when you're little and you have a crush on someone and your friend like like talks to them for one second and you're like, did he say anything about me?

Yeah.

And they're they're always like,

No.

One time that happened to me, and then like my best friend in fifth grade started dating the guy that I thought that I was dating.

And like, the whole class knew that we weren't dating anymore, and that he was dating her.

And I was the last person to find out.

Oh my god, are you okay?

Yeah.

And that's your villain origin story.

It truly is.

My villain origin story, I really do feel like started in the fifth grade.

That's when I started clocking these bitches.

You know, I I was like, you're out to get me, I think.

That's when I learned I can't trust anyone.

No, it's true.

Fifth grade, I was like, that's when I took the hood over my transfer.

I took the hood out off my, whatever that quote is.

I took the hood over.

I took the hood out.

One of those things.

Hold the wool over my head.

Hold my wool out.

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Wait, I've said this story before, but this is like my like iconic fifth grade moment.

okay fifth grade prom

pardon fifth grade prom i mean it was like made up but like there was or there was a dance law and order s vu but continued there's a dance coming up i've had a crush on this guy since like second grade like

this is deep like this is like on your birthday no i get that you're like i feel like you meet him second third grade yeah you don't like get things going till fourth fifth but you know like i've been this has been a long time coming i've been planting seeds.

It's fifth grade now.

Like, it's time.

What people don't know about me, in middle school, I only had eyes for blonde hair, blue-eyed men.

You never told us that.

I know.

And then once I hit eighth grade, I was like, When you said I only have eyes, it's giving a Frank Sinatra movie.

But you know what?

Little, little blue-eyed boys are cute.

Yeah.

Like, they're so sweet.

And you, and.

And then I grew up.

And then you decide you want guys who can grow facial hair.

Yeah.

So this guy, like, he's my, like, he's, I'm obsessed with him.

But, like, obviously, like, the other girls liked him too because he was cute.

And I had a friend, Molly,

full name, I'm saying it.

Put that on fucking people.com.

So there's always, like, things on the internet.

It's like, I wish someone from her past would, like, come and say, like, how awful she is.

And I'm like, how about I say how awful people are from my past?

Actually, how about I turn the tables on that one?

How about I start listing names who gave me this personality because of trauma?

Okay.

So, Molly.

Wait, also, I saw TikTok the other day, and I actually didn't send it to you because I was like, that is like so depressing.

And it was like, thank you for protecting my face.

It was like, if you're really funny, like, no one knows the trauma you've been through.

Every time someone's like, oh, Hannah and page of like a top comedy podcast i'm like but we're really sad sometimes

i think an 8 a.m pod is exactly what we need

this is gonna happen every week you're actually crying i can't tell if it's like happy or sad tears though

So by the way,

Molly's cute.

Yeah.

Like, let's be honest, Molly's cute.

I feel like if your name is Molly, you're cute.

You're like half a dozen.

You're fucking adorable.

Like American Girl doll.

I was just gonna say you're

skip and a jump from American Girl Dolls.

She was fucking adorable and I knew it, but she was my friend.

I feel like Molly wore like bucket hats.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I love

shape.

You speak in limited two clothes.

I'm like, let me set the scene.

We're in fifth grade.

Molly's got a bucket hat with a flower on it.

I had a limited two thing like sent to me, like bring back limited two, and it was like 20 slides of a limited two magazine.

And I couldn't find you in it.

And I almost reported the post.

There are some that it wasn't in.

Or it was like AI.

They took you out.

Anyway, we'll discuss that later.

But so I told her, like, find out if he's going to ask me.

Yeah.

Which was so like intense.

Intense and feminist of me.

Yeah.

Like, is he going to ask me to ask you?

Is he going to ask me what?

Like, let's go.

Like, I don't have time.

It's fifth grade.

Like,

so she goes to talk to him.

And

then I wait.

Now I'm like forgetting what happened.

Yeah, it was 30 years ago.

I would hope so.

Wait, no, that's not what happened.

That's not what happened.

This is what happened.

You haven't even said whatever.

Molly.

No, Molly's my best friend.

I didn't tell her anything.

I didn't tell her anything.

I'm hanging out with Justin, my other friend.

But he's just like, like, guy's girl, like girl's guy.

Like, he's a girl.

He's a girl's girl.

But he wasn't gay, I don't think.

Maybe he wasn't.

Looking back.

No, he's definitely out now.

By the time I just felt comfortable around him.

Wait.

When I went home last weekend, I ran into my first ever gay bestie.

And we were gay besties together in third grade.

I found the gays who love me.

Lesbians,

we love, like, we were already there.

The tennis gays.

And it's a different type.

Love, because they respect me.

Yeah.

Which I've never felt from a gay man before.

They like, because gay men love tennis and gay men are good at tennis.

And gay men, shout out Blakely Thornton.

Shout out, I was going to say, like a really famous tennis guy that's not gay, but like

they love tennis.

Could be.

But could be.

Anyway, so I'm hanging out with Justin,

ki king with Justin.

And Molly

is talking to my crush on the basketball court.

Okay.

So Brooklyn.

What was his name?

I can't say.

Okay.

I'm protecting.

Not to protect a man, but

okay.

So she's talking to him, and I said, This motherfucking bitch.

She knows that I liked him since second grade.

She knows the dance is coming up.

What could she possibly be talking to him in between his basketball game?

And I know we're not supposed to blame the woman.

I know what it's supposed to be.

And I know this sounds like I am.

But I was paranoid.

And I'm turning.

And I start shitting on my friend.

I said, after all, we fucking been through.

Yeah.

How dare she have to do that?

And Justin is egging me on.

He's like, this bitch.

He's like, I never liked her.

I never liked you.

You always wanted to be friends with that.

She didn't want to be friends with you.

She wanted to be you.

Like, that kind of shit.

I was like, I love when one of my gays goes, you know what?

Never liked her.

And I'm like, oh, you never said anything.

You never said anything.

When you get one of my gays going, it's...

Hopefully it's

going.

Do one thing for your day

and get a gay going.

Yes, gag, get a gay going.

Get a gay going and let them tell you what it is.

No, let them break it down for you because it's

you're like, oh.

Like, it's like once they hit their fucking,

we just created.

Get a gay going.

Gagged.

Gagged.

Like, get a gay going.

Wait, maybe that's the segment we just bring on a gay and let them go.

Okay, and with that, um, we're gonna have a gay go have a gag come in.

It's just straight, guys.

They don't know that we're talking.

Time for our gag segment.

What are you gagged about?

Hannah, we brought in a bunch of straight men saying it was like one of our segments, but really

we don't tell them that.

And we say that's something you're passionate about?

Yeah, something that like really gets you going.

Whatever.

Yeah.

So then Molly comes this guy.

Molly comes up to me after I said, how dare you show your face on this playground?

Yeah.

I've seen.

I've seen what I needed to see like i saw you like he had eyes on you what the were you talking to him about and she goes he wanted to ask me to ask you if you want to go to the dance with him

and you're like molly

you you are my day one you are everything

you are my writer fucking die you are i could i feel like i don't care what the gays are saying about you

i take back every bad thing i've said about you i did report it to the school newspaper and i did spread a lot of lies about you but in the meantime you're perfect perfect.

So then

I wonder if anyone's school newspaper had like

gossip sections.

Wait, you didn't like go to college?

Yeah.

You did, but like, no, we know.

I went to, like, I went to like 40,000 kids.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

There was a Facebook page.

Yeah, I bet.

It was called because Gossip Girl had just come out.

And I feel like that was like the first start of, I think that, like in high school, there was like a random thing, too, that we forget what it was called.

It was called, it was like a misconnections type thing.

Yeah.

So it actually was so cute and positive, but it would be like girl.

Not today.

Not today.

Not today.

The internet was so cute before.

It would be like girl going up Bascom Hall, like wearing the pink shoes.

You're really cute.

And so it was kind of like used like a dating thing, but you'd like go on and you'd like go through it to see if anyone saw you.

And every day you'd be like,

well, that turned into Reddit.

I have to bring something up.

I've been socializing this last week.

One, because

it's my time, like tennis season.

It's my Super Bowl.

But I realize

I feel like if I only hang out with blonde women,

I don't feel like I'm cheating on you.

Like, because we're so different.

Because we are so different.

We're categorically different.

It's almost like it's eating at a different restaurant.

Like, it's like, I feel like if I found a girl who was brunette, funny, beautiful,

hung out with her, you'd be like, are you mad at me?

Yeah, I'd be really pissed.

But like, I'm gravitating just towards blondes because like I'm already, I'm fed.

I'm fed.

I have all I need.

But like if I want to dabble.

You're in a committed relationship at home.

Yes.

But when you go out.

So I feel like when I post with blondes, like it doesn't count.

It doesn't count.

It literally doesn't count.

It's literally like just for like funsies.

Yeah.

How has...

We're going to the U.S.

Open tonight.

Tonight.

Tonight.

Which seems like a million years away.

It's fucking middle of the night right now.

That's a whole thing.

But how has it been hot?

The U.S.

Open?

Yeah.

It actually...

It's so funny that that's a shit.

Well, I just know you and your temperature.

No, it's true.

I actually, so I went to this mixed doubles thing with Chelsea.

Yeah.

Handler.

That was a dream.

Yeah, how was it?

What did you guys talk about all day?

So she had just come back from Ibiza.

So she was exhausted.

So we were same level.

Like we were perfect.

She was like, let's have a couple honey deuces.

I'll like, I'll have a taste.

I had one, I had half a honeydeuce.

Yep.

And we just honestly, like, we talked shop.

She gave me advice.

We gossiped.

We joked so tonight.

She's so nice, but she's so...

She's so fucking naturally funny.

Yeah.

Like for how like

direct and to the point point and like crass like her humor is like snarky and like sarcastic whatever her personality like when she's talking to you I feel like couldn't be more like she's so like when she's talking to you you genuinely feel like oh she's listening and she's asking a follow-up question of like that's it she was asking me questions.

Yeah.

That's like my biggest thing like especially when you meet a lot of famous people like they could give a fuck anything about you.

She was like just leaning over asking me stuff like earnestly wanting to like learn about me.

And I'm, I'm like, trying not to sound like an idiot in front of Chelsea Handler, but also the fact that she's so like

just like she's not fake, you know?

So like I like, you'll always know how she's feeling.

She's hilarious.

And I think we, when we started fucking with each other, like making fun of each other, it was such like a East Coast type friendship where the second she made fun of me, I was like, oh my gosh, that's your best friend.

Yeah.

No, that's so true.

So that was fun.

Then, so I go to the Tennis Hall of Fame this weekend, which I exercise some demons.

But

do you know Angela Kinsey from the office?

Yes.

Blonde.

She is such a dream.

Yeah.

So funny.

Such a cute.

Such a little delight.

Tennis is kind of a fun thing where like it's like a language.

So when everyone's together, it like brings you together.

Yeah.

Cause you all speak the same language.

It's really beautiful.

Okay.

And me and her were playing, but we played in this like doubles exhibition.

And she like plays like in like women's doubles.

And she was like, oh, do you like actually play?

And I'm like, no, this is my entire life.

And she was like, okay,

why don't you play

like

where you had to sign up?

What is that called?

Oh, like sign up for a tournament.

Yeah.

Well, look.

Or not even sign up for like a tournament, like where you join like a place where you're like, yeah, like a league where it's like, oh, okay, and you're playing Tuesday night.

Yeah.

I mean, honestly, I could.

I just don't have my schedule's kind of crazy, but then also, I'm not gonna lie.

I'm like, why don't you do more things?

I played really well this last weekend, and I, I definitely was googling like, how do you try to go back on the pro tour and quit comedy?

Um, wait, I had to talk to my therapist.

She was like, you're not going on the pro tour.

And I was like, I can still do giggly squads.

See, this is why I'm like a toxic friend because I'm like, wait a minute.

Des.

What if you did go back on tour?

Des wants you to do a documentary about me trying to get back on tour.

Hannah.

Wait.

Why are we not doing that?

I will get you such good tennis looks, tennis outfits for your tour.

I would have to be, I'd have to train.

I'd have to be in the gym early.

You could get some steps in if you want to come to some workouts.

I'd get yelled at it.

Hannah and Paige try new things human too, but it's just Hannah doing something and Paige tags along because that's really what I wanted the show to be.

That is what the show is.

The show is me forcing you to do shit.

Yeah.

Then me laughing at it and you being like, can we?

When I know I don't have to do things, like, okay,

I'm trying to think of like an example.

Like, as a performer, do you ever go somewhere and you're like, you keep being like, oh, I'm not the one performing.

Like, okay, when I went to Last Call Taristas,

I had to get up and give like one speech, but after I, and I was like nervous before because like ever doing anything, but then after I was like, oh, I'm done.

Like this, like I don't have to do that anyway.

What was I saying this for?

Because when you follow me around.

Yeah, when I follow you around, I love that you have to do the like nervous, scary things, but I can still be there and enjoy it with you.

It's kind of like you're live.

When Paige is under your back, it's

like, hey, just sit there.

I got you.

If we had like, if I allowed allowed cameras,

we should have cameras.

We should have.

I know we should have.

We should have.

But it was because we had a guy.

If we had, if Hobson was there, it would have been a totally different.

The first night when Paige had a panic attack, there was a guy, and I was like, and he was filling in for our normal girl shot.

He wasn't like true and tested yet.

No, no.

Also, you were literally like in a course.

And also, I was like, get the fuck out of here.

Imagine if I was like, hey, she sat began and yelling.

Go get the camera.

Get a little closer.

She's like a wild animal.

Get it closer.

Watch out.

At least Grace could have gone to BTS.

Grace.

Grace was terrified.

No, Grace, Grace was not like.

Grace was worried.

Yeah, she was worried.

She was like trying to find drugs.

Any solace.

Any solace for herself.

Anyway.

Anyway.

I was talking about my blonde friends, Angela Kinsey and Chelsea Herbert.

But if you think about it, all my best friends are blonde.

Haley Nicola.

Yep.

Haley Bieber.

Who else else is blonde?

That's like a good friend of mine.

Gabby.

Gabby.

All my good friends are blonde besides you, but it's because I respect you.

Madison.

Madison.

Oh, you got it.

Wait, do I like blondes?

No, you're obsessed with blondes.

I saw a thing on TikTok today and I felt so, not today, the other day.

And they were saying, like, what is our generation's version of the name Karen?

And it's between Jessica and Stephanie.

And I literally almost someone watched my special.

and I literally almost texted my friend Stephanie was like I'm so Jessica you said Jessica Jessica and Stephanie because they both hit really well Stephanie just got something interesting yeah it's about them

the punchiness of it

I don't know why I just thought of that but

something popped up on my Instagram and it's how to rage bait a man and I thought it just was Perfect for our brand.

Just like a fun

common

Wednesday afternoon thing that you could do write this down girls write this down get out your notes um how to rage bait a man yeah say what sport would you play if you were athletic yep so good 10 out of 10.

whatever makes you feel big and strong

i love this i love that one she's swinging her like

metaphorically metaphorically

I still am hung up on the old one where it's like, you look like you can't swim.

Like, I love that one.

That really

rage one.

You look like you can't swim.

Yeah, like, do you know how to swim?

Do you notice?

Yeah, of course I noticed it.

Oh, it looks like you can't swim swim.

It's funny.

You know, they'd be slapping.

You know, those guys who like swim and they're just,

Chris, why are you looking at me like that?

Can you swim?

Yeah, it's like it's.

You know, those guys who like slap when they like try to freestyle.

I'm like, ew, okay.

Like, put your fingers together.

Honestly, as someone who should have been on the swim team, but my family didn't believe in me or have a swim team, I like still get annoyed about it.

I don't even know how to dive because my mom was like, you'll hit your head and be paralyzed.

This one is diabolical.

You look like you read with your finger.

I actually do.

I know.

Wait, I didn't mean to.

You girls are allowed to read with their fingers.

Also, especially when your finger is beautifully manicured.

Also, if I'm ever somewhere giving a speech, like when I had to go to my high school, I had to give a speech a couple months ago.

And I literally reverted back to being in school.

I was like, I have to use my finger.

No, there's definitely some stuff that should have been worked out at an earlier age with you.

How tall do you wish you were?

Oh, that is a sad one, but so true.

You seem like you were homeschooled.

I've dated a couple of those.

Do you cut your own hair?

One time I asked a guy, this is so bad.

And I genuinely, I didn't even.

Here's the thing about me.

Sometimes I say mean things and in my head doesn't sound mean.

Not meaning it to be mean, but when it comes out and the person looks at me, one time I asked a guy, what grade did he start getting bullied in

and i

and i go i'm so sorry

sorry did you get you just seem like a person that if someone were to get bullied in the school you would have been an easy target.

And I was just wondering at what age did that start for you?

Because that was been really hard and traumatizing.

And I'm actually trying to be nice nice about it

it was fifth grade um

so it's like yeah

when did the horrible treacherous bullion begin

and why is it still happening now with me um final one this is really funny i like your pixie cut oh yeah

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I order hair care items.

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A little front page news.

Yeah.

Just because it's a celebrity.

Yeah.

Have you been seeing Zoe Kravitz out here in these streets just having like the best roster lineup, just like outliving her life?

Oh, yeah.

Is it her current one's Harry Styles?

Harry Styles.

Hold on.

Let me go to her.

Channing Tatum, who's okay.

So she broke up with Channing Tatum.

Yeah.

Just did a movie with Austin Butler.

I think people thought like they could have been canoodling.

Now is dating Harry Styles.

But like a couple months ago, was remember what?

Who's that guy that I was like, where in the world is

Carmen Sandy?

No,

remember, Noah Sentenayo.

Remember that one time we were like, where the hell?

She was vulnerable, Noah.

And then like two weeks later, it was like all about Noah on the internet.

I was like, hello.

She was with him, who I think is like so good looking.

Yeah, even though he's giving like castaway right now because he was like, I think it was hidden for a while.

Yeah, he went out.

He's like always going through his own like

whatever.

I like him from like my teen bop.

Yeah.

Like movies.

Anyway.

And I just think she's like a fashion icon that people don't bring her name up enough.

Yeah.

Like in terms of fashion.

Well, she's never not looked immaculate.

Right.

And effortless.

Effortless, like cool.

Like she's always like cool.

Her dad is Lenny fucking crabbits.

No, and her mom's Lisa Button.

No, like

Thanksgiving was like.

She's called science.

Science.

She's just science.

And it's, you have to be effortless.

Like, no one asks her when did you start getting bullied.

No.

Like,

anything to,

how many people did you bully?

And, like, why did they deserve it?

You know, it's like, sorry, that she probably like called the girls out in high school that needed to be called out.

Yeah, like, you're going to be, you have to talk to Zoe.

Can't bully a bully.

Good luck.

You literally can bully.

Anyway, we're getting too in the weeds.

We're getting in the weeds.

Anyway.

Oh, she's 36 years old.

I don't know why I thought she was my age.

But anyway, she's only 5'2 ⁇ .

She's a freaking peanut.

Put her in your pocket.

But I just, I'm like, I'm going through a phase where I'm really obsessed with her right now.

Her style.

And I'm really obsessed with her style.

I really love that she's just like dating whoever she wants to date.

She doesn't give a shit.

She's just like out in the world.

And anyway, I just wanted to touch on her.

Also, her mom was dating

Aquaman for a while, which is kind of iconic.

Yeah, what was his name again?

Chris, you don't know who Aquaman's name is?

You've won jobs.

Yeah, you're right.

No, what is that guy's name?

From Game of Thrones.

Give me the first letter of his first name.

Jay.

Jay?

Jason Mamoa.

I call him Jason.

Yeah, Jason Mamoa.

Who, by the way, Burley.

Sorry, I like talking about men, like how, like, if you're men talking about girls on podcasts,

big.

Is that what they say?

I don't know.

Actually, I've never listened to a male podcast.

You saw him turn on

the male podcast.

You want to know?

Like,

sorry, the thought of like my man turning on a male podcast, like in the car.

I'm sorry.

You want to listen to other men talk?

Get your own friends.

No, no, no, no, no.

But like when girls do it, it's

different.

No, it's communal.

It's like we're relating about something.

It's a coven.

No, it's.

When men do it, I'm like, you're being creepy.

Yeah.

It's like, no, stop getting together and like agreeing on things.

That's how literal wars start.

I don't like that.

I don't like it.

No, that is how wars start.

It's from a podcast.

Truly, when men spend too much time together, they start shooting each other.

I have a butter update.

Okay.

So, as you guys know, I'm about to go on tour, not the tennis tour, my stand-up tour.

Yeah.

So I had to bring the kittens back.

And they've literally all been adopted except two

of like the nine.

So, it's pretty good.

Anyway, and if you guys don't know, all summer butter's been boycotting, like staying in my closet, only coming out at night to cuddle with me during the day, even though she has the whole house refusing.

Like, I've never seen

what you've done here.

She's basically like, I've seen what I need to see.

Yeah, the cats are in another room, the door is shut.

Yep, finally, like, all the house guests are gone, the kittens are gone.

She just senses it.

She just comes walking into the room like nothing ever happened.

She's like, Hannah, did you have a good summer?

She's like, hey.

And I took a photo of her because now she's standing in the room, which she wouldn't go near all summer.

And I texted Mystic Michaela.

And I go, what's going on with her?

Or she goes, You're on, hold a minute, hold on.

You're on texting terms with Mystic Michaela when she's like, Sorry, it was DM in your life.

It was DM, but like, I'm trying to get on texting terms with her.

Okay.

So she goes, Oh, she's very happy because she feels like she got rid of of them.

Like, she was literally like, and that's how it's done.

And where are they just over there?

Back on the streets.

She goes, hopefully they find who their parents are.

Hopefully you get adopted.

Wait, that's not.

A bunch of fucking pick pick me.

Get a real mom.

Stop stealing mine.

Get out.

Get out.

You love

the drama.

So Butter is sitting next to me on the couch.

I thought she was like permanently like mad.

She's acting like the happiest cat in the world.

The second the cats leave.

They were in a room.

I was like, wait, I like miss us.

No, literally.

Yeah.

It's like when your friends come home from college.

Yeah.

It's like, remember, you're real friends.

Like, so Butter's very, very happy.

Um, I made that so fun.

There's no easy way to segue this, but

I watched Hunting Wives.

Yeah.

I'm obsessed.

I have notes, notes, but I'm obsessed.

First of all, Malin Ackerman.

We talked about this last time.

Great actress.

I have more notes.

I already finished it.

Oh, I actually didn't even finish it.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

This is the thing I didn't realize.

It's a murder mystery, which is, you know, my thing.

I got really into it.

But it got to the point with the lesbian stuff where it was like...

Let's say focus on the plot.

Because like in the beginning, it was like, ooh.

And then like by episode five, I'm like, why are are they making out care who murdered this person?

Like there'd be no reason for a hookup scene.

Like we'd be actually so close to getting to the murderer and then suddenly they're like trying to figure each other and I'm like this doesn't make any fucking sense.

It feels like you guys don't actually care.

And you're just care about a woman who's died.

A girl who died.

Well, do you want to know what I like about the lesbian stuff?

Which like,

don't clip that, you know?

Like that could could be really

what I like about the lesbian stuff, though, seriously, is I feel like there's a lot of like gay male and male representation, like, on TV,

other than like a HBO or like Showtime, where it's like taboo, like they're in a gay couple, where like it was never like on like mainstream TV.

Yeah.

I feel like it, this being like a top Netflix show

for weeks, and it's like lesbians, and it's all like, I just feel like there's not that many shows like that.

All they had was the L-word.

I was just going to say, which was iconic and like shit up.

Also, it's I feel like I was too young when that was on.

Like, I don't remember that.

Well, the L-word, they had like scripted and unscripted.

Like, they had like a reality show of the L-word, too.

Oh, I didn't know that.

It was really good.

But anyway,

I really, really liked Hunting Wives.

Yeah.

You want a season two?

I feel like there has to be because it kind of ended on a cliff.

I don't know, but I'm sick of like, okay, cool.

Yeah, everyone loves this show.

Great.

You'll have season two in four years.

Like, I need Hollywood to get it together.

Like, I need.

You want them to film it on iPhone?

Figure it out.

Like, the writers are no longer on strike.

Yeah.

Get to work and film the next season.

Why is nobody working?

Why is nobody working?

Netflix is like building a big studio in New Jersey.

And I'm like, that's what we need.

We need some fucking jersey men in the union being like uh let's get this fucking shoot going like that's what I need I need get the trucks like I need northeastern yeah people that kind of we can't have this Hollywood you know

tanning

drinking eating acaibel yeah whatever do you drink or eat acaibles to take a break at yeah for two hours no we don't do breaks no we don't do breaks oh my god did you see the jussie smollette documentary?

Okay, I didn't see the documentary, but I saw the preview.

Wait, I watched the Biggest Loser documentary.

Oh, wait.

Oh, my God.

You're up on your documentaries.

I'm getting more and more into documentaries because you're right.

Like, I actually can't stomach reality TV.

No.

Like, I can't watch it.

And it's

so sad because it was such a big part of my life for so many years.

And I thought, like, oh, maybe I'll be able to get back into it.

I physically can't.

Can't.

You guys, I haven't watched

a minute of reality.

I'm just like, that's not real.

I just, I can't.

So I've been starting to try and watch more documentaries.

Documentaries.

And I'm telling you, it's even, and yeah, there's still biased documentaries, but at least it's like, the drama is real.

The drama is so much better.

The drama is so much better.

And it's organized.

And it broads.

It's not stressful.

But I'm be honest, I didn't follow it that closely because it was confusing from the beginning.

Like, they lost me early on.

I was very confused, but they basically were saying that he lied about a hate crime.

Mm-hmm.

And they were treating it like he murdered someone.

Like the police was like this horrible.

Like they really went hard on him.

And I think it's because it's again like

the police is like reality TV where like they have to

they're trying to get a good narrative.

Is he trying what is this on?

Netflix.

And it's his

he, I think, is involved.

Like he's getting interviewed.

And so is the policeman.

And so and he's trying to say like I didn't lie yeah and the police are on there going like

he lied and didn't the people that he hired to like allegedly like

what is the word like assault jump him yeah didn't they say like no he hired us yes but then you go into it and it's these like two brothers who

at the end they're like promoting a book and like saying all this stuff get your bag get your bag but then there's a clip where it doesn't look like them.

And everyone's asked, like, is that a white guy or a black guy?

And everyone like has different answers.

Because Jesse's saying it was white guys who assaulted him.

But then the brothers are black.

It's very confusing.

What's he saying?

How many parts is it?

It's just one, like an hour 45.

It's really good because it has both sides.

I hate when a documentary is just one person's side being like popcorn.

But it's literally him.

He gives me a weird aura, though.

He does, but you also I feel like can't judge someone going through

that in their life.

Like

he's going through a really fucked up time.

That he created though.

But they think but he's saying he didn't lie.

Interesting.

I mean like I'm in once you watch it I'm interested what you think.

I'm gonna watch it.

But also the police they have a lot of pressure to like look good in the eyes of the public.

Yeah.

So like them being like

we got this famous guy caught him lying.

How dare he?

Also, there could be homophobia involved.

There's just a lot of things going on.

He's gay.

Yeah.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah.

Maybe that was the vibe you were getting.

Usually that is.

When there's like a straight man

trying to say that he's not gay.

No, he's.

Your aura's off.

He's fully out.

Oh, good for him.

You're like, he ain't lying.

He's perfect.

He is perfect.

Oh, man.

Finally, do you know what I've brought back?

Wackadoodle time.

Wack-a-doodle time.

What is that originally from?

I feel like Lisa Renna,

one of them goes, it's whack-a-doodle time.

Lisa Renna.

It's wack-a-doodle time.

It's just started coming out of my mouth lately when shit's been getting crazy.

I just go, it's wack-a-doodle time, and it's made everything feel better around me.

When you feel overwhelmed, just say it's whack.

It's whack-a-doodle time.

I love that.

You've been really loving Lisa Renault lately.

I feel like.

I feel like you've brought her up like multiple times when I've been with you.

Well, I feel like she's just culturally very relevant.

Everything goes back to Lisa Renault.

Let me end on this note that's extremely culturally relevant.

I was sent a PR package the other day, and I get a lot of really good PR packages sometimes.

And I'm just like,

you guys blew it out of the park with this one.

I got an

Oreo's Reese's collab PR.

It changed my whole life.

Have you gotten?

Did you get that PR?

They didn't care about you.

Wait, I don't.

I feel like they might have sent it to the wrong address or something.

So it's an Oreo cookie.

Wait, that's so hannah-coated.

Why wouldn't they send it to me?

Is it Hannah coated?

Oreos?

Okay.

Actually, I'm not like huge on sweets, but like...

Yeah, you're not huge on sweets.

Okay, continue.

Anyway, so it's an Oreo cookie, and then the inside is Reese's peanut butter.

Cool, that's my perfect date.

Literally.

And you know that.

And you know that.

That is my dad.

That's my perfect date.

It is,

they are not paying me.

This is not an ad, although I would love one because I've never genuinely used a product.

100%.

My assistant came over.

I go, it's going to be a good day.

Look what I got.

The box is gone.

They gave us one box.

And I'm like, I don't know what that's going to do for anyone, but I finished that immediately.

Can we normalize sending people food instead of flowers?

Yes and no.

Yes and no.

I mean, look, my edible arrangements, great.

Don't last if you don't eat them.

Then you get the fruit flies.

I have to confess something.

I did give away your edible arrangement.

Yeah, I know.

Like, do you want to know why?

There's something about like taking the cellophane off, and I'm like, ew.

I'm like, I can't.

Like, I'm not untying it and taking it down.

Like, I'm like, get away.

Oh, my God.

Um, and my door men, thank you.

They loved that.

My doormen love me every time you do a birthday present.

Yeah, we'll take that.

Wait, by the way,

I haven't got my birthday present.

I forgot to give it, bring it.

Shoot, it's literally in a bag on my desk.

Okay, we'll talk about this offline.

You're so greedy.

And that's all the time we have for today.

Thanks for kicking.

Special thanks to Duncan for supporting us this episode.

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