Guys: Episode 132 - Security Guys with Dan O'Sullivan

Welcome to Guys, a podcast about guys.

I'm Brian, and your ADT security agent, Chris James, is here.

Hi, Chris.

Okay.

Yeah,

They're bad.

Okay.

They are bad.

Listen,

I went to Trust Pilot to read about ADT.

They have 4,000 reviews.

Score, 1.4.

Out of what?

That's very low on Trust Pilot.

I think that might even be lower than our rating on TrustPilot.

We have a very low rating on Trust Pilot.

We honestly do.

If you go to the geysery on Trust Pilot, you will see.

I think we might have 2.1 out of 5 or something.

No way.

If we're better than ADT, that is because we're telling people to give us a bad review on Trust Pilot.

Yeah, we told people to give bad reviews.

So you can go there and there's some nasty reviews, but I

genuinely think we have a higher rating than ADT.

It's 1.2, by the way.

I said 1.4.

It's actually 1.4.

100% we're higher than 1.2.

And our guest this week, Dan O'Sullivan.

Hi, Dan.

Hey, guys.

How's it going i listen i had one i had something for the topic um

i believe

adt was the security company that employed the btk killer oh

that makes sense

that that what i'll say is you can't fault them for that

Yeah, it's not.

I mean,

you can't fault people for that.

We employed a serial killer here at one point as a producer.

Sorry?

We employed a serial killer here as a producer.

green river killer we did not use the green river killer as a producer we did we use the green river killer he did the pre-interview stuff i remember gary right his name yeah he did the it's a different guy i swear i always have to he looks like him i know he looks like him it's not the same guy but no no but then i realized halfway through the pre-interview like he was in prison like i heard clanging bars and yeah yeah our producer's in prison his name's gary and he looks a lot like the green river killer but it is a different guy and the stuff he's in for is like it's it's non-violent stuff.

But do you know what is speaking on that topic?

I actually tried to contact the producer of the Full Send podcast with the Nelk Boys.

That was the whole thing I was doing.

I was, because they had Benjamin Netanyahu on, I was calling it.

And we're having him on soon, too.

Main episode.

Well, congrats.

You got him?

He's doing a big push right now.

Yeah.

And

yeah.

And so

I was calling the producer to see as a representative of Gary Ridgway to say, to see if the Nelk Boys would like to have him on, that he had some funny stories and everything.

So that's really interesting, Brian, that

you just randomly happened to bring up Gary Ridgway.

I just hear that because this episode wasn't going to be true crime, guys.

But as you start to put that episode together, you realize, oh, I'm just going to be making fun of people that got murdered.

I mean, like

the way in.

The way into goofing on them is then going to somebody's murder and being like, That's great.

So, I was like, I don't know, man.

That's less fun than

security guys, which I which I made an amalgamation.

Like, sometimes I say, oh, we want to, we want a narrow focus.

For security guys, I went more wide focus, right?

So, we got security guards this episode,

we have home security guys this episode,

we have bouncers this episode.

Yeah,

okay, this bouncers are yeah this this okay this just stepped up in my books as far as the quality of the episode when you mention the term bouncers I will say I think that true crime people like the people who are obsessed with true crime they have the channels and they're like you know they're they're hounding people who they think are you know what I mean like that level of they're absolute freaks and you could find tons of stuff about them obviously to make fun of but yeah Brian you're right I think what you're saying is in order to do that we're having to also sort of bring up these murders and these things with victims.

And then we're sort of making fun of the whole thing.

And it just, yeah, we don't really want that.

I mean, what I so, as you know, I do have a crime podcast coming out that I'm promoting, right?

And it's the Outfit podcast.

It premieres August 15th.

And every story, every episode is a different organized crime story and how it sort of explains the world, explains America.

And like

something that we've tried to do with it is to be

like have it be a you know a history podcast and like about you know broader stuff you know going on in the world so like how Al Capone is a archetypal American or you know this guy 9-11 and then you were how 9-11 and you told me that you were yeah you were like thinking it would be cool to sort of contact a lot of the distant relatives of Al Capone and really sort of harass them about the history of their right that's what you were telling me that you thought it would be cool to sort of.

Well, we can talk offline, Chris, but that was where I was thinking you would come in.

Well, you were

saying that it might be a fun part of the podcast to find some of the victims and harass them as well.

But you raise a good point, which is, I remember, like,

look,

I love true crime, like, books and stuff like that.

I watch the shows.

But

I prefer scams and griffs and stuff like that over.

I would, I I could do without murder.

I like robberies and heists and scams and griffs.

I think that a lot of people enjoy true crime, and I think that that's a natural sort of thing for human beings to be fascinated by that.

But yeah, I think obviously, all jokes aside, I think we're all in agreement on it is, yeah, where it jumps the line is when you start involving yourself in the investigations.

That's it.

There's a selfishness to that.

Like, you know, like In Cold Blood by Truman Capote is a terrible book.

It's all about him.

And he made it all up.

Like, and, and that sort of set a mold, I think, of like how people approach it in a way that I, I, but I will say, like, my fat, like, I love the murder stuff.

I love all that shit.

But I always think of like something Steve Coogan said, where Steve Coogan loves fancy cars.

And he said, but I noticed that everyone else who loves fancy sports cars like I do is an asshole.

So

am I an asshole too?

You know, like, like,

so anyway, with this podcast, hopefully we're, I think that we're doing it in a tasteful way and, and, um, yeah, in a hopefully interesting way.

Also, I think organized crime is a little different.

Of course.

Of course.

Organized crime is completely different.

Not to, you know, and now it just sort of seems like, oh, we're defending Dan.

We don't need to.

We don't need to.

And Dan, you guys know if you listened to Dan on the episode, you would know that that's the case.

But yeah, it is obviously different.

These are people who are like, hey, what I'm choosing to do with my life is crime.

And, you know, it's like that kind of comes along with it that there are people who are going to be writing about it and investigating it and that type of stuff.

Yeah, these are not just innocent people who are being thrust into this.

And we talk about, you know, real victims and stuff, but it's a funny, it's a funny show.

It's darkly funny.

And I hope you guys check it out when it premieres.

Appreciate it.

Well, I won't be.

I will not be listening.

But yeah, I think some people.

And we don't like funny.

We don't like funny.

We listen to pretty serious podcasts usually, but yeah, check it out if you're into humor podcasts.

Okay, so this first thing I found: security guards are funny because they're kind of

stupid.

Not too funny,

they're stupid, they seem very stupid to me, you know what I mean?

Like in a real way.

Now, I want to preface this episode by one thing.

I was extremely impressed by the security guards,

mostly,

because

they are that

concentration camp in the Everglades, right?

They call it Alligator Alcatraz.

They're trying to get people to work there.

And a lot of people are like, I refuse to work there.

Now, one reason is the pay is bad.

So

that's not something to look up at them for.

One reason is because you have to live there.

You're fairly compensated for your work.

Yeah.

Dude, $24 an hour, 12 hours a day, and you have to live there in a tent.

I mean, you're a prisoner, too.

Yeah.

And you're letting me.

In a way, in a very serious way, you are also a prisoner.

Yeah, you can't leave, right?

So a lot of them are like, I'm not going to do it.

It doesn't pay enough.

And then some of them are like, I'm not going to do it because if something happens, then we'll be the first one thrown under the bus.

That's

smoke.

foresight, yeah, to at least recognize it like, hey, wait a second.

So we're going to be the guys out on the front lines of this thing.

Maybe that's, yeah, that's, yeah.

But then there are really a decent amount of guys who are like, this is unethical.

I don't want to do it.

And I was like, oh,

I thought they were all going to be like.

I'll fucking do it.

I'll do it for $70 an hour in a second, which some of them did say they should be paying you about 90 to 100 an hour.

And then they would do it.

Yeah, that's.

Yeah, I mean, listen, there's ethics.

There's ethics, but at some point, you got to, when the, you know, when they fatten your wallet to a certain level, you got to toss your ethics out, obviously.

A lot of these, a lot of these guys did security at prisons in like

Iraq and Afghanistan and stuff like that.

And they're just like, you do.

You do not want to do this.

You know what I mean?

It's very dangerous.

So this security guard.

So I was impressed by the.

I just want to say that to me, I feel like one thing about security guards, maybe not the ones we're going to see posting, because I think they're the enthusiastic.

But I think a lot of the times people are working as a security guard, they don't, they're not saying this is a job I want to do.

This is a great job.

This is not, but a lot of people are just saying this is a job I'm able to get.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, I don't think it's a one that people are sometimes, whereas with like loss prevention officers, I feel like the more of them are like, I want to do this because it's like a police officer, whereas there's going to be some security guards like that, but like, I know people who work in security and they weren't like, I don't want to, they weren't police types i will say you know they were yeah i forgot i applied for a job once as a security guard at uh an art museum back in portland maine where it was like a night shift job i just needed a job and like i thought that sounded awesome like you know

yeah just just being being well i mean you just the night of the museum had probably just come out i would imagine if i mean i was i will admit i was very amped uh night of the museum 2 was coming out.

I thought.

Okay, I see.

What if a little Roman soldier or a little Robin Williams Teddy Roosevelt?

You know, it's not going to happen, but.

Do I know that?

Exactly.

Imagine the things you can learn, and you're a history guide.

I mean, you can learn something.

It actually does sound like

at a museum or whatever, the night shift.

It's like a classic from the movies kind of job.

There's something.

Did I just hear something?

Yeah,

exactly.

Exactly.

And that's that's all you need for it to be kind of like cool.

And then you're walking around this kind of cool place.

And yeah,

was that Dick Van Dyke?

Yeah.

I would put security guard at number three of dream jobs if this didn't work out for me.

Number one truck driver, cross-country truck driver.

Always wanted to be a truck driver.

I looked about two years ago, I got a wild hair at my ass about getting a CDL license

and

going, you know?

Yeah.

And then I was like, driving truck.

Grow up.

You know,

you're not that kind of man.

You're just not.

It is a type of man for sure.

Because if you're doing that all the time, you don't really have a home base.

You know, you're just like an old school Rolling Stone.

You really think you would like to do that, Brian?

But everybody at the rest areas

at the truck stops knows you.

You like walk in.

They're like, hey, hey, Queber.

You go back to Queber.

I probably would say Brian.

I think it would sound cooler if it's like...

A lot of the gas stations have like a little room with a couch where you can watch TV.

You can take showers there.

And you're seeing everything.

Now, the number two job for me is, now this is a business owner.

Small business owner, of course.

Laundromat owner.

I'd love to own a laundromat because

it seems like passive income to me.

It seems so like you don't really have to do anything.

You got to go in there.

I don't know about that.

I think, yeah, I think it's a good thing.

I think you might be.

I think there's places that have less.

Yeah, there's a lot of issues.

Think of it.

You have a bunch of washers and dryers, like industrial.

You're not controlling what people put into those either or how they use them.

So they're often probably possibly using them incorrectly.

I would say there's quite a few issues at a laundromat, Brian.

Sorry to say.

But then, number three, security guard, because, and this even, this might have pushed this up to number two

because guys are just playing Xbox, dude, and sleeping.

Like at night, so many guys play Xbox.

And I read one guy who owns a company.

He was like, we encourage our guys to play Xbox.

We encourage them to do stuff because it keeps them alert.

They're alert.

Yeah, versus like, if you don't let them play the Xbox we found, they just, they nod off off pretty quickly.

So you try to let them have the Xbox.

It's similar to a toddler or something like that.

But yeah,

I guess that is.

So your job that you're looking for, Brian, is a job.

You don't want to have a job.

Minimal amount of work.

I mean, such a minimal amount of work.

I mean, truck driving isn't easy.

I'll say this.

I don't want people to go around thinking I think truck driving is easy.

I'm saying

get out there on the fucking open road, dude.

You're just out there.

It depends too.

Deliverance.

Yeah, if you're doing it, it depends on what kind of truck driving.

Because I've worked in over the road, is what I've done.

I've worked in across warehouses and stuff like that.

And if you're, yeah, you're doing like, but still, if you have to do any of that unloading, like offloading any of the stuff, or like no, I don't want to do that.

I wouldn't do that.

Because that is hard work.

And a lot of truck drivers do that, right?

They're going constantly from place to place and they're helping to offload stuff.

And there's like a lot of work at the actual warehouse.

Can I tell you, my nightmare on that, though, is you ever see a truck driver reverse back up the truck and the trailer to a loading dock?

Yeah.

And you see that and you go, there's no fucking way.

I mean, I think I'm a pretty good driver.

There's no fucking way I could ever get that down.

I used to think that.

I used to think that all the, I worked at many warehouses when I was younger, and I used to fucking think that all the time.

It would actually give me a level of anxiety watching them with these big 50-foot trailers or whatever.

And they're all doing it in like these small little, yeah,

it would fuck with me.

That's the hard part.

That is the hard part.

Absolutely.

Maneuvering those gigantic trailers in those time.

And sometimes you're having to do a delivery in a city or something like that.

You see those big trucks in a city.

I've talked about it on the podcast before.

That gives, that is my worst nightmare: is like driving a big, gigantic truck that is too big for the space that you're driving it in, like or a big bus downtown, anything like that.

that it just it gives me horrible feelings.

My father, after he retired from the phone company, got a job driving the bus from Portland, Maine to Boston.

Yeah.

And had that experience, Brian, of like sleeping in the little apartment for the bus drivers, which was actually pretty cool.

Yeah.

Play video games, watch movies.

You could.

You know, you just keep dreaming about playing video games.

You don't even play video games, Brian.

Oh, you will.

I will if I get this job.

But the hard part was that obviously the journey terminates in Boston, going to Logan Airport and then South Station.

And the two things on that are one, Boston drivers, Massachusetts drivers, worst in the country.

Don't know if you're aware of that, Chris, but I didn't know that.

Worst in the country.

And second,

the driving in Boston is horrific.

Like, everyone gives the West Coast shit for driving.

No, no, no.

The Northeast is the bad area.

And so he was having...

It sucks because the speed limits are stricter and stuff there, too.

The cities are built different.

I mean, they're on grids that are old and the highways are old.

But sorry, what are you going to say, Chris?

Oh, I was going to say that we better let Brian get to the point of

some of the security guard.

It's okay.

It's okay.

But people will send a lot of really hateful messages, really serious, threatening, hateful messages to us if we don't immediately get to the topic.

Written up for practicing martial arts in an empty lot with no personnel around.

So I've been a security.

This is one of my favorite opening posts.

That's it.

Exactly.

Like exactly what you would think a security guard would be doing.

I couldn't believe how accurate this seemed.

So I've been a security guard for about three years, and I'm being written up because I practiced martial arts a few times at my site.

Why is this not acceptable?

Like LMAO, at least I wasn't fucking sleeping.

i still do my damn job and tours they really just expect you to sit there when you're tour when you're not touring and view cameras till your eyes bleed would y'all say that i should expect to be terminated from the site and fired permanently so well this is exactly what you would think they'd be doing i would say you would expect to be fired if you continue to do the thing that they wrote you up for i think that's how it works it's usually like a three strikes kind of thing or whatever but i would i don't know for sure i mean who knows the situation but i would guess

we got a former supervisor answers the question.

But I guess they don't want him doing that maybe because it's like customers.

I don't know where this is, but it just like, it just kind of, it doesn't look good.

It's alarming to people or it's weird.

Can I give a take on this?

Yeah.

I feel like there's a part of the story we're not getting.

Yeah.

Always.

Always.

He's doing something.

He's doing something like weird.

Because there was a guy I was reading, because they were talking about like the guys at the bank, right?

That just have to stand there.

They're not supposed to have a headphone in their ear.

They literally just stand there and look at people.

And they're like, what do you do?

And one of the guys was like, I do a little bit of yoga.

The customers like it.

And I'm like.

Do they like it?

Like, I don't, like, I guess it's like, whatever.

It's not, but it is a little,

it's peculiar.

It's like, if you come in and you see the security guard and they're doing activities or whatever of any kind, it is, it is peculiar, I think.

Yeah.

You know, it's just weird.

It's not about that.

I'm not saying

it doesn't stop you from doing your security, or it might, it depends on what poses you're doing or whatever.

Well, I think it's standing yoga.

He wasn't like doing downward dogs.

But, you know what I mean?

You can't pop up and stop a robbery.

You do need to be ready to do your job

if it comes to it, I guess.

Well, so I was a former bank teller, and the thing that that strikes me as

that's a weird one in that the purpose of that security guard is not actually to do anything.

It's weird.

It's just to

security theater, right?

And it is just to deter the robber who could come in.

Yeah.

He sees him and he's like, I'm not going to do because that what we were trained as for tellers is if you see someone, and I saw my manager do this once.

It was fucking awesome.

If you see someone come in that you suspect is going to rob the bank, and she recognizes this guy as having robbed her in the past, you just engage them with conversation from the door and it scares them off.

And that's exactly what happened.

So,

um,

so I do have to admit, I wonder if a security guard doing yoga is like the opposite of that, where it's like, come on in.

You know, oh, yeah.

Like, like,

if you, if you're walking outside, yeah, you're outside and you're like, I'm going to rob this fucking place.

And you look inside and you say, oh, shit, security guard.

And you're like, wait a second, security guard doing yoga?

Like, it seems like I can actually still rob it.

I think I should do it right now.

Yeah, I think this is the time to do it.

Yeah, yeah.

Right.

And that's the way you think, too, if you're going to whatever, rob or vandalize a warehouse and you pull up and a security guard's in the parking lot practicing martial arts.

Well, that might be true.

That might be different.

That might be different because maybe you're like, oh, this guy is a martial artist.

Maybe I actually don't want to mess with this guy at all.

I don't know.

So the supervisor replies and goes, as a former supervisor, I can

shed some light onto this.

This is really good because this gets you into the mind of the real security guy.

It's embarrassing, it looks immature, it's unprofessional, it makes it seem as though you're not doing your job.

Now, most of the replies to this are like, You're the type of guy that makes us look bad.

Yeah, like that's the anger about him doing the karate.

It's like, this is what you would expect a security guard to do.

We're actually tougher than that, or you know what I mean?

We don't just do karate, you know.

He's perception, and I think another thing that we're not seeing is that these are contracts, right?

So, like,

the company is contracted to do something on the site.

And if somebody that runs the site is like, this guy's out there practicing correctly.

Like, I think of him breaking boards and stuff like that.

Well,

you would hope he's not breaking boards.

I would hope that he's just doing shadow type stuff where he's not hitting anything.

He's breaking boards.

I was picturing nunchucks for some reason.

If he's breaking boards, then he deserves to be written up for sure.

I feel like then he's causing a scene.

You know, he's making noise.

He's like...

Well, it's not their boards.

He brings his own boards.

Okay.

Oh, he's got his own special boards.

He brings forward his own books.

Every day he brings a bunch of boards and milk bottles and like concrete blocks.

Listen to this one.

Listen to this guy.

He goes, caught night shift sleeping.

Signed in at 8 a.m.

Night shift guy was passed out.

I was able to walk right up to the guy and tap him on the shoulder to wake him up.

Good thing I wasn't a bad guy.

Oh, yeah.

The classic, that's a lot.

A bad guy just coming up with like a security guard throat slit, you know?

Yeah.

And he was asleep.

He'd go up behind me.

He'd slip my fucking.

Damn.

This guy goes, At a previous graveyard site I was at, a guard would show up with his RV and his kid.

That's funny.

Listen,

you're there all night and nothing's ever happened.

Yeah, I guess, like,

listen, if as Dan said, and I think you're right, Dan, and is that a lot of it is security theater, which is like a concept a lot of people know.

And it's, you know, you don't have to actually be doing something.

You just have to be there.

And in that case, if you're there with your RV and your kid and you're barbecuing out back, you're making a big scene there.

I mean, that's going to keep people away from sober.

Yeah.

It's like, oh, I'm not gonna go to that site and try to steal, you know, lumber from it or whatever.

It must be a work picnic.

There's some sort of work picnic going on there.

Yeah.

In the middle of the night for some reason.

Some sort of a night,

you know, one of those team building exercises or whatever.

Listen to this one.

I worked for a security company where I got, where I caught red-handed the dude sleeping.

Owner didn't give two shits.

Literally parked his truck at the gate.

Two years later, this guy's not employed there.

He goes, dude enters the bar I worked at from the same company, refuses to cover up his uniform, had a few beers, took off every hour to go back to work.

I immediately reported the company and the worker to the security overlords, along with the company they are contracted for to do the safety.

That's so cool.

F them.

Honestly, though,

that's so cool to contact everybody involved.

That guy is just

somebody's getting in trouble.

What the fuck is that guy's problem?

He's an aggressive tattletale.

Yeah, he's an aggressive tattletale.

Why does he care that the guy's not covering his uniform?

Oh, because no, I don't think that's.

Because he doesn't want to.

No, no, I think what he's saying is that this guy is clearly drinking on the job.

He's not even bothering to hide the fact that he's drinking on the job.

I think that's what he was saying by not.

But he could be off work.

Well, I remember that says refuse to cover up, by the way.

It doesn't sound like he's a biker or something.

Like, wait, we can't have those colors in here, you know?

We can't have Guard of World Security in here.

Sorry, this is whatever, one of the other

things.

A guy from Brinks sees him and breaks a pool queue.

The fucking guy, the bouncer at the door is just like, you're making all of us look bad.

Are you kidding me?

Fucking ADT guys in the corner.

You're going to wander in here wearing that shit, like covered up.

Drinking beer.

You got to run to wear that, brother.

Yeah.

i can't believe he told on me

somebody calls him your employment papers brother

yeah yeah

i this guy goes i've heard it's best to shake the foot of a sleeping person others have a violent reaction to be roused and a guy goes

These are just, that's just classic security shit.

You know, they're just like...

Yeah, it's the security guard thing.

You shake his foot.

You shake his foot.

Yeah.

Otherwise,

imagine waking up at your job to find a guy you work work with holding your foot.

But that he's sneaking into the room to shake your foot.

Like, oh.

No, it's because it's because if you, if you like, nestle him there, you're supposed to like sometimes they do that.

I think that's the idea.

You're supposed to like stay away.

I have heard that before, definitely.

But what if they kick you?

Anyways, I don't know.

I have heard that for sure.

Yeah, yeah.

So let's take a look at a guy that I did find.

I think we're all going to check in with this guy.

This is Man Talk,

and

he's a bouncer, and he asks a really good question.

Do bouncers get the girls?

It's not a question, though.

It's an exclamation.

There's no

trunk at the end.

I don't think he understands that.

Yeah, I don't think he knows puncture.

Do bouncers get the girls.

Man talk.

Do bouncers get the girls?

I would say.

He also did man talk

as an exclamation.

Traditionally, I think it's thought that maybe like bartenders, perhaps, would have more.

I mean, bouncers are hunkier, though.

But I don't know.

They're jacked up.

I don't know if they're hunkier.

Well, hold on a second.

One of my favorite movies ever is Roadhouse.

Of course.

And Dalton

Hall is so good in it.

Well, oh, wait.

We get real.

You like it?

We get real.

Oh, you like Conor McGregor in it?

Well, he was good, too, but I think Gyllenhall carried the film.

Brian and I loved that remake.

So don't even

talk shit.

We love the way that the punching looks.

I didn't say anything, but I see the look on your face.

You're like, oh, the original's so much better.

I haven't seen the new one, but come on.

Are you waiting?

Are you saying that the remake is better?

Yes.

I am saying it's better.

I've seen both of them.

It's not that close.

It's not even in the ballpark.

Conor McGregor is a star.

For me,

I think new stuff is better.

Yeah.

That's mainly my philosophy on everything.

The new thing is better.

I promised Tom Sharpling I would stop lying on the podcast all the time.

So I will admit that the original Roadhouse is obviously better, but I did like the new one as well.

It was really stupid and the fighting looked so fake and it was like all sped up and shit.

But for whatever reason, I loved it.

And Brian and I both said we're like, I want to.

I want a million sequels in this world.

I just want to watch movies in this world.

I think they are making one.

I hope so.

Good.

Let's look into man talk here.

All right.

All right, guys.

Welcome back to whatever.

Okay, hang on a second.

Hang on a second.

He's not quite as.

Listen, I'm not saying he's not strong looking, but he's, I thought he'd be.

He looks really strong to me.

He looks a little bit like

he's a little bit not.

He doesn't have definitions so much, but I guess that's kind of bouncer.

That's kind of a bouncer look.

Well, I would say

I was startled by the shirtlessness, which is not,

I would say, is not something you want to say about someone who's, like, if you see a shirtless guy, you go, well, that makes sense.

You don't want to be like, I'm surprised you went with that, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm surprised.

Yeah.

I feel like he has one of those bodies that if he was wearing a shirt that was a little bit tight, he would look like he was better than he looks with a shirt off.

Right.

Yeah.

And I hate to tell you this, but all of his videos are shirtless.

So we will never see him with a shirt off.

He looks good, but he's in fine shape.

He's not in bad shape, right?

He looks strong.

He definitely looks

strong man strong.

Strong man strong.

But he also looks like there was a fire alarm at night, and he just had to get outside.

Yeah.

He's also got a very small head compared to his body.

I didn't want to say it, but it's alarming how small his head is.

Another part of our Man Talk series.

This is related to our other video, Bouncers.

Now, check it out if you haven't already watched it because it gives you a background to the bouncers but this is all about bouncers and girls as it always happens of course girls throw themselves at bouncers

well did you hear that well i think i think because you can get you girls throw themselves like in order to get into the establishment are we talking here because you would be the person who would be allow them to get into the establishment but bouncer culture i think is a lot different in the uk i'm not that familiar with it but i know that i think that they're they're thought of in a little bit like a different way than they are American.

They get a license.

Yeah, like they're, they're like, it's a more respected job, I think.

I could be wrong, but I think that it's considered more respected there.

I think it's more respected in that

the bouncer is the person standing between the English person and alcohol.

And I got to say, so it's a more important job.

Last time I was in England, everyone shits on Ireland for drinking.

Whoo, boy.

Oh, no.

People shit on England for their drinking as well.

It's just that I think I

shit on Ireland and Scotland and everyone else.

And it's like, take a look at yourself, you know?

Yeah.

I mean,

a lot of the people in England are Scottish and Irish as well.

I say that.

And I remember I was walking out of my hotel the last day, and there was a drunk guy

causing a scene in the morning.

And I'm not going to mention which of those countries he's from.

But

it was like, really?

You're making us all look bad here, buddy.

Yeah, I mean,

listen, speaking of Roadhost, Conor McGregor, the sequel, I don't know.

He doesn't seem to be doing too well these days.

I saw a photo of him meeting Trump, and he's getting that bloat that you only get one way.

Oh, yeah.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I mean, his brother-in-law is one of the most notorious cocaine dealers in Ireland.

Yeah, who knows?

While we're looking at Man Talk, I will say, what drives you nuts working as a bouncer?

I'll start.

Anyone who wants to finish a drink after being told 15 minutes prior to finish up and leave, I hate you, and I completely enjoy that you are upset at not being able to finish your drink now.

I get that, though.

I feel like that's reasonable, right?

I mean, dealing with drunk people, listen, they're going to be annoying.

They're going to be annoying, no doubt.

You're going to be a bouncer.

Like, being a bouncer would be one of the most annoying jobs you could ever have.

So it's kind of good that these kind of

guys who are kind like you know like sort of meathead sort of dudes it's like yeah, like yeah, they're the kind of ones to deal with that I feel like they're best equipped to deal with that kind of annoyance.

Let's check back in with man talk now.

That is an unurban myth.

People say, Oh, you know, as a bouncer, do you get lot girls?

Yes, you do.

It's one of the perks of the job.

You may only get paid £10 an hour, but you do get it more in the other side of things.

You know,

you get paid $10 an hour, but you also get to fuck women.

So that's nice.

That's one of the benefits.

They write that on the job listing here.

$10 an hour, must be licensed.

We'll get a ton of fucking trim.

This is how he dated Kate Middleton before she went on to.

Or

what's her name?

What's the one?

Meghan Markle.

Yeah, if we were going to make a reference to one of the Royals,

we would go with Markle due to the Mike Zero.

Are you familiar with Mike Zero, Dan?

Are you a fan of Mike Zero?

Tell me.

No, no.

Impossible to explain.

I can't explain him.

It's almost impossible.

He's a guy that's very obsessed with

part of shows.

Did you ever watch Opie and Anthony?

Listen to Opian Anthony, rather?

That's not going to help at all.

I was not a fan, but I'm

an intern simple Mike on there, who people just recently realized.

I'm getting the picture here.

Oh, no, he's not.

He's not.

He's anyway.

Again, it's impossible to explain.

You just got to check him out.

This is one of our favorite channels.

All right.

Listen to this one.

Listen to this one.

My club does a pat down at the door for guys.

Anyone who has stood in line for the last half hour watching everyone with something between their legs get touched suddenly can't understand to take anything out of your pockets and turn around and put your arms out a little.

The amount of people that prefer getting rejected instead of having to do what literally every single person has to do all night for I don't know how long because it's not a new rule.

It's awful.

Do you want to drink in this club?

Follow the fucking rules, man.

We have like five other bars that aren't even a full minute away at walking, and they don't do pat downs there.

That's insane to do pat downs.

Well,

yeah, I guess, though, I don't know.

I kind of can understand that one, too, right?

Because the flip side is, all right, if you let a weapon get into the bar and someone uses it, right?

Yeah.

Like, you're going to...

You're going to get sued, right?

I would think the bouncer code would prevent that from happening.

They probably do pat downs at a place because they've, like they said, other places don't do it.

It's probably because they had an incident, I would guess.

And then now they're like, well, we can't do it.

Maybe it attracts a certain element where yeah, there's definitely some there's some places in Vancouver that

were like,

yeah, where you would have to have added security where you're going to the number five orange, the strip club in East Vancouver, because it was a big-time biker bar, you know, place.

And so, yeah, they didn't want people to bring in weapons or whatever.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, this guy says something interesting that bothers him.

Women who show me their boobs, thinking they can come in for free, when they realize they still have to pay, they instantly become evil witches.

I mean, you don't want to deal with any evil witches.

It would hurt your feelings a lot, though, if you showed your boobs to the security.

And he's like, yeah,

now they'll be 15 pounds, please.

Or you don't get in.

I showed my titties to you, and you still made me wear it.

Yeah,

it is demeaning, I guess, because you're in a way demeaning yourself on some level to try to get in.

And then if they're like, yeah, that doesn't impress me enough to get you in, that would hurt my feelings.

And I can understand why they would become evil witches.

That's why Mantog never puts his shirt on.

He just forecloses on that

altogether.

You've seen it back to him.

Special side of things.

For some reason, I don't know if it's because bouncers, I suppose, for that pub, that club, for that night when they're working,

are seen as authority figures, are seen as having power, or whether it's just because

I mean, yes, but

most of us aren't looking at a bouncer and be like, this guy, this guy's powerful.

I'll follow this guy over the top out of this foxhole.

Yeah, like the power is very, your power has a very limited scope.

It's so limited.

It's a very small amount of power.

And if you're not working the door.

Oh, yeah.

It's only the door guy.

It's only the door guy that has...

I mean, I guess they have the power to remove somebody if they wanted to, right?

Well, my memory, my most vivid memory of a bouncer

in Boston was a bouncer being forced to clean up a broken glass.

and cursing and muttering the whole time with the broom and pan.

I vividly remember this for some reason, of just how angry he was that he had to clean up the broken glass.

It's not his job.

Maybe it isn't.

Maybe it is, though.

I don't know.

Yeah, it's tough to say.

I think some of them are.

I think they see them.

I'm sorry.

I think they see themselves as like

kind of like the secret service.

And I don't think you would ask the secret service to sweep up some

glass.

In that building,

they see themselves as being responsible for the safety of every person in that building.

Yeah.

And they feel really important.

Now, from the outside looking in, it's like, I mean, okay,

whatever.

You stand by the door and say, in, out.

Yeah.

I mean,

people blow smoke in your face.

Like,

disrespect you.

Some places, like we talk about, maybe some places have like a heavy gang presence or like lots of violence and stuff.

Then maybe you are, you know,

it's important for you to be there to keep people safe.

But yeah, I think most bouncers are, you know, just being treated

really badly by people,

drunk people who are, yeah, just like treating them disrespectfully all the time.

And occasionally they're having to throw people out who get too drunk and throw up or whatever.

My favorite pet peeve of theirs is people who drink too slow after last call.

It is so funny to me that like

I guess drunk people are like

just sip their beer after last call because they're having a conversation and they don't want to leave the bar yet.

And that drives them up the fucking thing.

Yeah, because they listen again.

They want to go out and go

through the air.

But that's the thing.

When you say you're powerful, but you have to wait for a drunk to sip his beer before you can go home.

I just don't know

what power levels you have.

Shanno is just like

waiting for the Avengers to finish lunch before he can do his snap.

Can I take that away?

Can I take that away from you?

You look like, I mean, you're just nursing that.

Clearly,

you're not.

I went to R/slash Home Security.

Saw a guy get just

destroyed

because he asked, any ideas for protecting election signs?

And I think it's very funny because a lot of people, this first guy goes, just don't have them.

It's

a pointless thing that's not.

That's the best way to protect the.

Well, he actually replied and said, No, thanks.

I'd rather enjoy my freedom of speech.

I wonder which party this guy's putting up.

It's so totally apparently.

And you know, it's one of those huge ones that, like, as the picture of Trump, like after the assassination attempt, like, it's probably just the hugest sign you've ever seen in your life.

Like, just a great target for teams.

Yeah, like the neighbor's plants are all dying because it's like, it blocks the sun.

Oh, what?

You don't like my politics?

Okay.

Yeah.

No, it's.

It's not that.

It's that our skin is getting paler.

We can't get enough vitamin D.

Our doctor said we need more sun.

I mean, those signs, when you're in the rural areas,

Those signs get big, man.

They get real fucking big.

This guy goes, because people drive past signs and say, you know what?

They're right.

I'm going to vote for them instead of someone else.

I'd rather not put something up that's going to possibly make someone want to do harm to my property.

And the guy replies and goes, studies show that election signs do have an influence on undecided.

Which studies?

I would love to see the studies.

I'd love to see the studies.

That seems like it would be a tough thing to really quantify.

I don't know.

But maybe, I guess, I mean, maybe.

I'm sure they have some small effect on a larger scale, maybe, right?

You're talking about just like a huge amount of them.

I think they could.

They could.

I'll say this.

I'll give one effect, which is there's one house in my neighborhood.

They didn't quite have the balls to put up a Trump sign, but they put up like every sign indicating that they're a Trump household, you know, like bring back prayer in schools.

Like, all right.

Yeah.

I think you're only putting that up there because we will fuck up your house if you actually put up a Trump sign here, right?

So it's like you're, but that house is tagged, it's geotagged in my mind now as that's the house.

The Trump house.

That's what this person is saying, and they're absolutely right about that, is that like, it does way more harm than good.

You know, like the actual impact it could have on an election is, would, is nothing versus the impact it could have on your life and the way people see you and the destruction of your property.

Yeah, it's a stupid thing to put up a sign for sure.

This guy goes, not sure what's wrong with the commenters here.

Election signs work for the same reason Coca-Cola still advertises.

Name recognition and repetitive drilling into our brains.

Maybe get a trail cam and set it up.

Can get one for under $100.

We'll at least have footage to give the cops.

Unless they take it.

Wait a second, Dad.

No, no, no.

No, no, it's rage remote.

Yeah, all right.

No, the trail can, no, the trail cam they could take.

I think they could take

it.

So I was right.

You're right.

Yeah,

the physical thing would be there, and then you could hide it, I guess.

You know, you'd have to put up some hidden camera.

But yeah, like that would be, then you're out a hundred bucks now.

Listen to this guy.

He goes, I'd venture to say the police will have more important things to worry about than tracking down someone who stole an election sign.

And he gets a reply.

And the guy goes, funny.

When I got my sign thief on camera, two different patrol cars showed up and spent 30 minutes in my driveway watching the video and figuring out what kind of truck it was.

Unfortunately, the plate wasn't visible.

So, we weren't able to get any further, but they seemed to enjoy trying.

Oh, so you're saying

they seem to have fun.

Listen,

I didn't get my crime solved, but the cops who came out seemed to have a lovely time, and that's all that matters, really.

Oh, does this sound like a waste of time to you?

Because actually,

actually, two grown men had one of the most fun days of their lives, and you're

Leave the guy's house with like souvenirs.

That's so good.

That's so good to be like in response to a person saying, like, the cops don't really give a shit about this.

Like, actually, if they don't care, why did they come home and spend 30 minutes watching a video in my driveway and do nothing else?

And it's so good.

They spent 30 minutes figuring out the truck and then they're like, but they couldn't figure out the license plate.

Yeah, I mean, they just had nothing else to do.

And they're just like, oh, hey, let's go do this thing, you know, for a little bit in the morning.

Like, have you ever been at work?

Like, have you never been at work before?

And you're like, I'm getting kind of bored.

Like, let's go fucking do something over here.

Like, see if this person needs some help with something.

It's just

time-wasting.

At the cable company, you would finish all your jobs and then you go fucking dick around with another guy on their jobs.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

And that's what happened.

This time,

a lot of people would come dick around with you on your jobs, I would guess, I can't imagine you were finishing anything.

I worked very hard.

This guy goes, if someone has a political sign up, I just think they have too much time on their hands for pointless shit.

Okay, that's actually more annoying than the OP.

You know what I mean?

Like, I'm more on the side of a guy who wants to put up his Trump sign than actually.

All political signs are meaning like sheeple, you know, given one of those.

Yeah, you need to, yeah, like, it sounds like you have, what does that even mean?

You have too much time on your hands for what?

For putting a sign up,

and the signs up.

Once the sign's up, it's not a lot of time.

Once the signs take that much, it doesn't take a lot of your time.

And you could, I think you could probably order them.

I don't know how they work.

I've never got one.

You could put it.

I got a Bernie sign once.

And then where'd you get it?

I ordered

to the campaign, and they sent me a sign.

But then the weird thing was

it came after the election.

So it was like, oh, that's not great.

But that's not helpful at all.

Yeah, especially in this case.

It was really kind of.

Anyways, I guess who we choose to put in power in our country is the least pointless thing you can do.

Shadow government?

Shadow government ever heard of it?

Yeah, it's always the same guys making the decisions at the end of the day.

This guy's kind of honestly like, this guy might be one of those guys who knows a bit more than us.

So we should probably sit down and listen.

What about this guy?

Custom make it out of one-foot-thick concrete or a quarter-inch steel plate.

Make sure you can dig a three-to-six-foot-deep hole, sink it in, and fill it with concrete and dirt.

So that's.

That is insane.

That's fucking insane as an answer to get to that.

What are you talking about?

Well, that's.

It's like a Lex Luther project, you know?

Yes.

Yes.

Okay, so I went to

R slash home security.

Now, this one was interesting.

Wait, this is a question.

Wait activated doormat.

I'm a little uncomfortable from a privacy perspective about having cameras around my home, especially if they connect to the internet.

But I'd still like to be notified when somebody enters my home.

I was thinking it would be really nice if there were a scale or something I could put under my doormat that could notify me when someone steps on it and also record weights so I could see if someone left heavier than they entered, as well as disregard weights.

I recognize.

This is.

This is really.

This is really.

I always wonder, of course, you know me, I'm a little cynic.

I always wonder if this is a fake thing, if someone's doing a joke, because when you're talking about a thing where you can feel it, see if they left, like once they've entered your home and you don't know that, do you know what I mean?

He sat heavier, he just went in the home for a good reason.

Yeah, he just must have been, he might have put stuff in.

Yeah, this is once a guy enters your home, why do you care?

Like, are you not going to be able to see what he stole from, like, you know what I mean?

Like, go through your possessions.

That part doesn't make sense.

You'll fucking know when they leave heavier.

Well, what if he leaves lighter because he took a shit inside or something like that?

Well, that's brilliant.

Then all of a sudden you get these really fun, really smart thieves who are like, they bring in these heavy, like they wear heavy things on, like weight things on, and then they leave them in there and take stuff out.

And then everyone's like, oh, shit, I guess you didn't steal anything.

It's like, your TV,

was it not right there?

And it's like, well, yeah, I think.

And you have a bunch of concrete blocks all over the house.

He goes, I've seen a few that will set off alarms or send alerts in response to being stepped on, but I haven't been able to find any that actually record the weight.

I know that's because it's a similar thing.

It's a stupid idea.

Well, Chris,

this is one of my favorite kind of Reddit conversations where somebody comes up with a stupid idea, a bunch of people tell them why it's a stupid idea, and they refuse to believe that it's a stupid idea.

Like they still think this thing should be involved.

But because they've already done a lot of work mentally on it already before posting and they feel like, I'm not just going to let you like tear this down.

This is like an idea that is very important in my mind.

This guy goes, here's the problem with what you're asking for.

A mat that sends an alarm isn't hard to find.

They're used to monitor when dementia patients get out of bed or leave their rooms.

Getting one that is weatherproof would be a little harder, but still doable.

Recording the weight of the person standing on them requires isolating the top surface of the mat from the bottom so that a strain gauge can be located between the two now rigid surfaces.

There has to be a rigid top and bottom so that all the weight on the top surface can be routed one or more strain gauges to weigh someone.

Finally, unless you can find a way to make your target stand still on the right.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Right.

I guess you'd have to, like when they're coming to the door and they're trying to get into the the door, maybe, but then also

some quicksand over it, too.

That's smart.

How many mats do you have and how many entry places to your home?

Because you have to count on them coming through the front door.

What if they break in through a window

or leave through a window?

But you could put weights outside your window.

No, you would never leave through a window.

You'd never leave through a window.

I'm thinking like a robber now.

You'd obviously run out the door.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and stand on the mat for a second.

Oh, yeah, when you're running out.

When you're running out, you would stop for a little bit just to sort of gather yourself.

That's what you're hoping.

Yeah, you're hoping that they would light a cigarette and gather themselves.

He goes,

so this guy said, a rule of thumb is that your mat is going to be 1.5 inches thick.

Because by the way, a scale can't be flat.

That's like not possible.

Yeah.

It doesn't

matter.

Because of what he just explained, I believe, right?

It has to have that mechanism.

And you can see,

you can just imagine somebody putting a scale in front of their door and then laying a welcome mat over it.

Like,

sitting in the room with a notepad, writing down the weight when the guy gets in the middle of the day.

Yeah,

is somebody going to say that, like, I guess you could put a scale that's like a runs on Bluetooth or whatever is like connected on your phone, and you can put that under the mat, perhaps.

And the burglar keeps burglarizing it.

It's like, I think I gotta go on a diet or something.

Like, I keep,

I think the sweets are getting to me here.

The person replies and goes, I live on the third floor of an apartment, so weatherproofing isn't much of an issue.

I don't really need weight to be accurate as long as it's consistent.

Don't know what that means.

No.

Insanely confused.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

So wait.

The original poster lives in an apartment?

Yes, on the third floor.

Now, that I think is very interesting information.

Um, I was picturing a house this whole time.

Yeah, so this is an apartment, so you're worried about somebody coming through.

I mean, I don't know

to get through a lot of yeah, like I live in an apartment right now, and they said they live on the third floor.

I live on the fourth floor of an apartment, and I know that not on all buildings, but I know you have to get into the building, which is not you.

to have a way to get in with a buzzer or whatever.

Then you need to be able to get on the elevator.

And if you haven't been buzzed into into that floor, then you can't actually get up to my floor.

You have to be able to.

Maybe if he was on the first floor, I could understand this a little more.

This is a little.

This person seems a little bit

paranoid.

Well, they go like a lotto guy.

My current bathroom scale is thinner than that.

So I'm not exactly sure why it would need to be thicker when I'm less worried about accuracy.

I wasn't thinking.

No, I think what they're trying to say, because I think they're trying to say that like it doesn't have to be initially accurate, accurate,

but then it has to stay consistent.

So there is a level of accuracy that you need for that.

I don't know what they're even, what that would even mean exactly.

What about this?

Wally goes, and I'm less worried about accuracy.

I wasn't thinking I would try to detain anyone myself, but it would give me the opportunity to contact law enforcement and/or apartment security.

Yeah, officer.

Officer, yeah.

Sorry, how do I know?

How do I know that something was stolen?

Well, let me

Let me tell you about this.

This guy

is 23 pounds.

Let me tell you about this incredible, incredible.

Sharks, sharks, can you all sit down here, please?

Let me tell you about this incredible.

I mean, there's truly no other way to tell someone has broken into your house and reported to the police than to have a scale that they stand.

And

the idea that you have.

It's worked for truckers for

decades.

Truckers, livestock.

Is that it on what we are weighing here like this?

Well, they do it.

There's something like that where I definitely know where you weigh and then you weigh on the way out.

I've gone to something like that before.

Like a trucker thing is the only one I can.

This guy goes, so what happens if they just

the dump?

That's where the transfer, the transfer station, when you go to the transfer station of the dump, they weigh your car with the garbage in it that you have, and and then they weigh you on the way in.

To charge you, they figure out how much weight you dumped.

So that's where I've experienced that.

A guy does ask about what happens if they enter through a window, but then he does ask a really good question: What happens if they don't touch the doormat

on the way in?

Oh,

the perfect crime.

Oh, he walked over the

door.

Like an Ocean's 11 motherfucker.

George Clooney just

the Chinese gymnast is there just for that part

to step over the mat.

Right.

He goes, I live on the third floor, so I find the risk of people breaking in through a window low enough to not worry about it.

While I agree that the mat would be useless if no one stepped on it, avoiding the mat would be a really weird thing.

Oh, well, hang on, hang on.

How about this?

I got a great idea.

The fucking biggest mat you ever seen.

It's the whole hallway.

It's the whole, it's it's so big.

It like goes down the stairs and shit.

It's like it's all, it's up the walls and shit.

Like you cannot get away from this mat.

The other thing I love is he's putting, he's doing the Will Graham manhunter thing.

He's putting himself in the mind of the criminal.

Yes.

Like,

this is where you came in.

Didn't you?

Didn't you?

You know, like, this is where you broke into my house.

Didn't you?

You know.

He goes, avoiding the mat would be a really weird thing to do and probably more hassle than it would seem to be worth if they were carrying out my possessions.

Also, my cat would probably try to escape and ideally she would be able to set it off.

Oh.

So the cat would try to escape.

If somebody was breaking into the door and they stepped over the mat, the cat would escape and that would set the scale off.

Or if you open up.

Now I know somebody's broken in.

I see.

Oh, I see.

But don't you know something?

Isn't there a way that you could just have a system where you know something?

You could have a ring.

But they don't want that.

They said that because they don't feel like it.

Right, they said they did say that.

Well,

Dan, the reason is because they don't feel comfortable with having cameras around their house.

Like, now that we know all of this, it seems like an insane thing to say.

I know, and you figure out it's not a joke because they are defending this to the death.

This isn't like trolling would require more, uh,

would require more, like, uh,

like,

different language.

You can you can tell that there are hurt feelings here in a way that someone just wouldn't fake, right?

And it's it's it's if it is trolling, it's good trolling because it does seem believable now that I'm hearing more of it.

Well, this guy goes, What do you mean weights you recognize?

You do realize weights fluctuate daily.

I can only assume you've got some kind of illegal activity going on that you don't want recorded, but also don't want people stealing from you.

Whoa, I like that guy, that guy.

Oh, okay, I think the criminal is you.

Shit.

So this person's like, has their own movie going on that also, and there's a whole different ending to their movie.

This is cool.

Matt person, this guy, they reply and go, I recognize that weights fluctuate, but it's pretty unusual for people to gain or lose more than 10 pounds in a week.

It would just be reassuring to me personally to be able to tell that it's probably my housekeeper coming in and not someone who's like, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

when your housekeeper is coming in just talk to them

they can steal though this is what i'm saying you let a housekeeper you're worried about all this and you let out do you have a housekeeper but wait a second though dan it's pretty simple though because the housekeeper of course can go work but we check the scales at the end And if she's heavier on the way out, she's getting her pink slip in the morning.

It's actually, it makes everything in life a little bit easier, to be honest.

Everybody's, I love the idea, too, of them sitting there.

Excuse me, me, excuse me.

A delivery guy, I actually ordered a quarter pounder and I'm noticing as you step on the scale.

That is not a quarter.

He goes, after all the ring hackings I've heard about, I'm a little wary of putting a cloud-connected camera in or around my house, just because I like to know that no one's watching me in my own home.

While I definitely can't get as complete picture of what happens from weight, it's also not information I'm particularly bothered about anyone stealing.

Also, I'm pretty, yeah, well, it's not your weight.

No, but they could because this person is going to go in and out of the house.

So, they're saying that, like, if somebody was able to hack my system and gain access to my weights or whatever, that wouldn't bother me that they knew how much I weighed.

Well, there's actually a crucial bit of information here.

Also, I'm pretty good at guessing people's approximate weights just by looking at okay.

Well, get listen, you've you've buried the lead here.

Get yourself on in a traveling carnival and fucking make a little bit of money.

So it's not like I'll really have any information about them I didn't before, given that some, oh, so they're like,

listen, I'm pretty good at guessing people's weights.

So it's not like I'm going to have any information that I didn't have before because I look at you, I see what you weigh.

I'm just getting a more accurate.

So it's so I'm not like, so I'm not, there's nothing that I'm doing that's sort of like

unfair to you or the.

I'm not collecting info.

I'm not collecting your data.

I'm not collecting your data, really.

Because I'm already guessing your weight when you

just come around.

I just realized you could get a motion sensor that just detects if anyone walks up and skip all of this.

Well, hang on a second.

But the motion sensor.

So the motion sensor tells you how much they weigh, how?

All right, that's a good point.

I mean, how do they steal if you had well here's an idea i have a motion sensor that memorizes your body and then if you leave and your body's different body's different how about it how about something do you guys know echolocation

yes yes you get something that's sort of like i don't even know exactly yeah get a bat and have it hang there and i don't know the science ask it just

Get a bat, teach it just basic communication.

Teach it English.

No basic communication.

It can tap.

It can do.

It doesn't have to learn our language or whatever.

But yeah, echolocation, if you just had things knocking off the walls and then all of a sudden it could sort of give you a more accurate reading of what sort of...

Is there something where you could figure out what type of matter was leaving your apartment?

I think it would depend on the bat and I think on how well you trained it.

But maybe you could do that too and say like the bat would communicate with its claw.

He was holding your Bose stereo, the bat, yeah, or your straight, your your ring, your Bose stereo, and it's like, well, hey, good thing.

Actually, please take it.

I would like to hear the highs and lows in my music, please.

Shots fired at Bose.

Yeah, listen.

I'm wearing Bose headphones right now.

That's why I hear about a half of what you say, you know, because it's just the quality is awful.

So he goes, I'd get a POE camera system with a local NVR.

I think what that is, is that's one that's not on Wi-Fi or anything.

And he explains that visible cameras can act as a deterrent and provide actual evidence that somebody does do something.

How would you use it?

So the person replies, this is his final reply.

I've been thinking I'd like to have those as well.

My hope with the weighing scheme would be to have a way to be notified in a moment of any ingress so I can respond more quickly and so I have a better idea of which bits of my recordings are actually worth going through if anything were to happen.

If I only had the cameras, I think I would probably feel compelled to watch all of the footage.

Really, it just comes down to wanting a compromise between the ability to constantly surveil my home and wanting to stop everyone else from being able to do that.

So there you go.

I hate this guy, man.

I hate him.

And

obviously, you fucking moron, I don't even have Ring or any of these things.

They notify you when there's any movement in it.

They already do that, you know?

It doesn't tell you.

It tells you nobody's going to move.

It doesn't tell you if it's movement, and it's just like, okay, but then what's the weight of the movement?

What if they're carrying my TV?

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

It's like you're going to be like, oh, this guy is carrying a TV.

No, the weight will tell you that, Dad.

The weight.

That's how it works.

Yeah.

Let's check back in with our guy here.

Because they're stereotypically seen as having, very, being very manly and being very like Neanderthal, kind of Neolithic stone man.

You know, they beat your men for a living.

I don't know what it is about us that turns the girls on, because I've seen ugly guys who are dormant who will pull all the time, you know.

He's seen ugly guys that are pulling tail all the time.

Yeah, he's listening he's not, he's not, I wouldn't say that he's, you know,

prototypical kind of a handsome guy.

I would say he looks like a pretty classic, you know, chin-strapped, short-haired British lad, I would say.

He's, yeah, he's, again, it's his body.

I I think he, I don't know, I think he's taking some supplements.

Yeah, supplements said make him necro any hair, also, it looks like.

Yeah,

he has a big neck.

He has a big neck.

He has a very big neck.

Very big neck.

Neck same size as his head.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's check one more here, and then we got a few other home security guys that are crazy.

They're walking down the street, girls won't give them a second glance, but as soon as they put on that badge, as soon as they put on the black t-shirt or the big jacket, leather jacket, they pull, they pull intercept me.

They don't even need to talk or speak to what the girls, the girls come to you.

No, no, hang on, hang on.

They have to

pass by you to get into the place they're trying to get to.

You don't even have to approach these girls, they're just walking up to you in droves.

There's a goddamn lineup to talk to these guys down the street sometimes.

You know who gets

a lot of ass?

Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.

Oh my god.

They're just coming up to him.

Holy fuck, man.

I love this.

You know what I used to really pull?

You know what I used to really pull a lot of tail?

When I used to work as a toll booth guy.

Holy shit.

Dude, dude, dude, no joke.

These chicks would drive to me.

They would drive over to where I was.

They literally would come pull up and be like, oh, hey, how's it going?

Oh, I don't know.

They would hit the brakes.

They would throw change at me.

Yeah.

They would hit the brakes and throw change at me.

I wish we don't have a lot of toll bridge, which is a good thing, I guess, generally speaking.

But that's another job I'd love.

I wish that.

Oh, yeah, that would be a good one for you for sure.

I just, I liked it because I remember that was one of the most when I lived briefly in New York, when my mom lived in New York, we were in Long Island City.

We would have to go by a toll thing regularly.

And I loved the throwing the change into it, like as you go go by it was it was something that I wish I could do more often yeah yeah here's a little more of uh

I look young for my age or at least I'm told that Rye tells me differently but most of the time I look young for my age and I have a baby face at least when I shave off my beard I do have a kind of sweet angelic sort of innocent looking baby face in some ways

and I mean I've had a

he's angelic I don't know like he has a he has a baby face but like not the like not sweet and angelic yeah Well, now that you mention it, I gotta say, he does look like a baby in a diaper right now.

Does he not?

Yeah, yeah, he looks like a baby.

He has a baby body.

He has a baby body.

Like, he's he is in pretty good shape, but he's kind of thick in the way that my son Charlie, who's 16 months old today, uh, is sort of thick in the way that he is and has a similar kind of body.

And of course, no shirt on.

Yeah, he does look like a little baby.

He's like kind of a cherub as well, a little bit.

Elmo on the r/slash home security subreddit said, So I introduced ADT to my brand of home secure.

Awesome start.

What do you mean?

What does that mean?

Oh, believe me.

Recently bought a house, our first home.

Came home today to a random white, no company logos or markings.

Early 2000s, Ford Ranger, parked in my spot, a driveway.

Front door, slightly ajar.

I went into go mode.

I pulled my Glock and I pied my way into the front door and started clearing my living cups.

Only to find an ADT, quote, authorized retailer, unquote, sitting in my recliner.

Apparently the old ADT equipment in our house set off an alarm and he had to come by and reset it and was talking to my wife about the security.

Oh, say your wife was home?

Yeah.

Oh, wait, wait.

Talking to a salesman.

This makes it.

Because listen, no one's supposed to be home, whatever.

Like the door door's kind of open, but yeah, like I guess maybe

I guess maybe he had already talked to his wife and he comes home and he thinks something's happening to his wife, but it seems psychotic

to pull your gun and to immediately clear the room at the sign of first sign of trouble.

Yeah, I mean,

it seems like an overreaction.

I guess, hey, you know, you never want to, but yeah, I would think that what I, what I might do.

I might call my wife from, you know, if I was really concerned, I might be like, hey, there's a car outside here.

The door's going to open.

Is everything okay?

Before I pull it out.

Just to put some fire under her, say, I have a gun aimed at your head right now.

So

choose wisely what you do.

Before I pull my Glock out, I might just sort of, yeah, do like make a phone call or something or

knock and say, honey, you know, something like that.

But I guess that would alert the

potential perp.

Yes.

He goes,

I asked who he was, why he's here, and basically told him to rip his company's equipment off my wall and get the fuck out of my driveway.

I kind of looked like a douche to my wife, but fuck ADT and whatever bullshit scares, sales tactics this crap was.

I just took the I just took their iPad thing off the wall and systematically unplugged and killed the whole system.

Parts are in my trash can.

We'll be doing the blink system, and apparently, sooner than later at this point.

I don't think this guy, this guy doesn't feel like a guy who's capable of heavy-duty self-reflection.

So I feel like that comment

came from his wife about her saying you seem like a douchebag right in that scenario.

Yeah, and I think also

the line where he's clearly rankled that the guy was sitting in his recliner.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It hits his recliner.

I wouldn't like that either.

It hits recliner.

Yeah.

There is an element of a fear of cuckoldry at work work here as well, I think.

Yeah.

Lurking.

My recliner.

Yeah.

My recliner is cheating on me.

Right.

In a way.

Yeah.

It's kind of like, yeah.

This guy's in the recliner talking to my wife about security.

That's my job.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I do that in this house.

I drone on and on about the security of our home while I sit in my recliner and my wife pretends to pay attention.

That's me.

Yeah.

And I pull out a gun if anyone else does that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, I kicked the door into the house

that isn't there anymore because I kicked it.

So let's look at some reviews.

Simplest safe nine-piece wireless home security system with HD camera.

I'll show you guys.

Okay.

Probably.

Wouldn't mind seeing this.

It's a nice little Amazon

thing.

It is $149.

Nine pieces.

It looks like a home base.

I don't know what any of these pieces are.

I think one of them is like a

there's a ring camera, then there's like a door.

There's doorbells there.

There's an intercom system, it looks like.

Yeah.

Well, let's read a review.

Let's read a couple reviews here.

This person goes, absolutely dishonest marketing.

Since the invention of cameras, the devices by definition have recorded footage.

What these people are trying to sell you is a digital periscope, not an HD camera, as they claim.

It's absolutely farcical that they sell you a device where you can whimsically peek through your periscope using their app, but you neither control nor own your camera recorded footage until you pay them $9.99 a month

to

purchase a copy from them.

So you pay them $10 a month and they'll give you the copy of what happened on your camera.

It's like when you go down Splash Mountain and then there's photos at the end.

You can buy them,

but

you don't have to.

Yeah, exactly.

It's the exact same situation.

Otherwise, you can just enjoy the ride of having a camera up in the corner of your home.

They give you zero options for recording and storing your own data without paying them additional money each month.

Furthermore, the motion detectors are absolutely terrible.

Me, 6'2,

waving my arms fiercely at them in a black leather jacket didn't trigger.

Hang on a second.

Hang on a second.

Hey, cool guy alert.

Hang on.

The fact that he mentioned he was in a black leather jacket, it's so meaningless.

It has nothing to do with it.

It's not like a bright thing or something.

You know, he just wanted to say that he was wearing, that he has a black leather jacket.

And that he's 6'2 ⁇ .

Yeah.

You had to get that in, too, right?

Which is, hey, that's cool.

That's a very good height.

That's how tall I am.

Dan, you're one of the few guests that you're the same height.

Or

taller, yeah, you're taller.

Yeah.

How tall are you?

6'3?

I'm 6'4.

6'4 ⁇ .

Dan is a tall guy, I will say.

Do you have a leather jacket?

I don't have a leather jacket.

And this is maybe my problem with home security.

Well, but then it didn't do him any good.

The camera didn't pick him up.

You don't have any leather, but you do have.

I remember you're wearing a Chicago Bears jacket.

You do have a Chicago Bears jacket.

I did, yeah.

Oh, you got rid of it?

I just, it's probably at the back of my closet.

Okay, it was good.

It was like, it was, I remember thinking, like, it still sticks out to me as being like, oh, that was a nice.

I talked about Dan and I, yeah, we went and had, I just had one, actually.

We had the Popeyes sandwich, right?

Popeye's spicy chicken sandwich on Hollywood Boulevard.

Brian, I always have to bring it up and explain to you about, you know, some of the cool stuff that you can do in Hollywood.

I know the cool stuff.

That was a great point there.

When are you going?

Are you really?

When are you going?

I'm just planning a trip.

Like, probably later in the year or early next year.

But let me know.

Let me know.

We're, of course, you could go because we're doing our live show in October.

Yeah.

I don't think I'm going to do it then because I have shit.

We're doing it.

Not in L.A.

No,

we can't do shows in America.

No, Vancouver, October the 3rd.

Brian's coming to watch Corn, and then we're doing a show two days later, October 3rd, on a Friday in Vancouver.

I'm stoked about it.

It's going to be fun.

Furthermore, the motion detectors are absolutely terrible.

Me, 6'2 ⁇ , waving my arms fiercely at them in a black leather jacket didn't trigger a single alert.

Yet my wife, skinny and significantly shorter than me, triggered it right away, wearing a bright pink t-shirt.

Me, big black leather jacket, pompadour, yelling, hey, daddy-o, screaming, hey, daddy-o, at this thing, and nothing.

When I opened my flick knife or my Zippo lighter,

it didn't set it off either.

When I lit a match off of the sidewalk and lit

my cigarettes out of my fucking, you know, out of my arms,

my wife's enormous jiggling breasts set it off.

My hot wife that has,

she's thin, but she's got titties.

Just to be clear, hot wife, like

hot H-O-T in a space, not like a hot wife.

We're not involved in any of that.

He goes,

so he goes, next time someone tries to rob my house, I'll ask them to stop and put on a pretty pink t-shirt so they can trigger the motion sensors so as not to pass by undetected.

So

why when I read this is this guy thinks

that if a burglar comes to your house, he's probably going to be wearing a black leather jacket

and not a pink t-shirt.

yeah he's saying that a black you know that it's it's the the bright colors seem to be tripping it and that he most robbers are going to be wearing all black which he is right about but i'll i'll tell you what if any of you burglars out there want to dress up as my wife and break into my and break into my house yeah i will not stop you yeah

and if you want to fuck me That's okay too.

Listen, if you want to come in.

And it happens all the time.

Women are always breaking into my house trying to fuck me.

It just, they see me, they see me out in my leather jacket, and I walk into the house, and then boom, my ring camera goes off, and it's a hot lady with jiggly brace.

Hey, listen, I'm a cherry-popping daddy.

Sorry.

That's a throwback.

Spring to the Brace episode, where Brace wouldn't stop saying cherry-popping daddy.

How are they doing?

Are they still around?

Are they on Twitter?

I don't think they are.

They had to change their name, unfortunately, for them.

Yeah.

They actually did.

I think they're called the.

Yeah, they did.

They called the daddies.

Just the daddies, though.

That's also bad, though.

I think.

All right.

So here's a review that I think is very strange

that

I've never seen happen.

So this is nice.

Robert says, one star, great product, horrible delivery.

One star for a great product.

They left it on my front porch where any porch pirate could see it.

I have key delivery to my garage.

To make matters worse, they opened and closed my garage door, even though they went nowhere near the garage.

Anyone passing by could have gotten in.

This is the second time this month.

The product works great.

Five stars.

But Amazon leaves you no way.

Whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You can't toss five stars in the middle of a one-star review.

That's not allowed.

This is, yeah, this is so unfair.

And also, it's like, this is someone who, this is just like complaint culture or whatever.

It's just like the idea of wanting to be angry about it because nothing bad happened.

They delivered it.

They didn't steal it.

Nobody stole it.

You got it.

It works great.

It was all perfect, but you are just out there seeking out, trying to find something to be aggrieved by.

And I,

you're so right.

And something, I briefly worked as a USPS

letter carrier.

It was the hardest job I ever had and I quit.

But something that annoyed me, I remember when I was doing that was, remember there's always like, there's this culture of like posting the ring camera footage of like, oh, the FedEx guy just threw this over the fence.

And it's like,

was it broken?

Yeah.

Oh, it wasn't because it's been moved like that the whole fucking time since it left the warehouse.

Yeah.

And it's fine.

It's packaged for that.

And something breaks and then you review the footage and you're like, oh, the delivery guy threw it and it broke.

Then you contact them and say, hey, your delivery guy threw this and it broke.

I'd like to get my money back for it or whatever.

However, that works.

I don't even know.

But yeah, you're right.

It's this idea of like, well, nothing bad happened, but something could have happened.

And that's what I'm upset about.

That's so fucking stupid.

Yeah.

Because the product works great.

It's five stars, but Amazon leaves you no way to rate their delivery service.

So I leave a bad review as a product review.

Eventually, their suppliers will complain if enough people don't.

So this guy, he's actually the candy of our time coming forth.

He's actually.

This is one of the most brave things I've heard.

He's like, you know, he's not doing it for himself, actually.

I was wrong.

I misjudged this person.

He's actually doing it for the greater good.

He's being the change he wants to see in the world.

Hey, you know,

they don't give you any way to review.

You can go to TrustPilot and review Amazon, actually.

You cannot fucking use Amazon.

Don't use Amazon then, you asshole.

They're just going to throw your shit.

They don't care.

I'm sorry sorry to tell you that they don't give a fuck about your package.

Amazon and

they deliver stuff, and I never have a problem with it.

They deliver stuff to us.

It's always in good, you know, they do a fine, good job with it.

Here's a ring battery doorbell.

This guy, this is a very strange review.

This is very.

Oh, security guy.

Beware.

Jammers may block recordings.

One star.

Ring camera is not picking up all deliveries.

Ring will say it's in your settings.

It's not.

It's not the settings.

Something is very wrong.

Something is very wrong.

There's something fucking going on here.

And it might go all the way to Jeff Bezos.

There's something with the way you read it as well, but it just like, it seems so like

a real serious problem we're dealing with.

I'm thinking of like, you ever play the Batman Arkham games where you're Batman and you can disable their technology using a web like yeah just Batman's in a fucking tree aiming it at this guy Alfred the the nest the nest is down you know whatever

well this is interesting because he goes fully charged battery picks up everything until an Amazon driver pulls up and there's no activation no motion sensor no alert no video of a driver who dropped off a package right in front of the camera.

I'm home watching this.

I go out to pick up the packages.

I'm home, by the way, while this is happening.

By the way, I could have answered the door.

Yeah, I could have gone to the door.

I actually...

I'm home watching the green camera.

Why don't you answer the door?

I'm not sure if you talk to the guy.

Why don't you

look at him with your eye cameras, man?

No, that's like going to a concert and filming.

It's like sometimes you just want to go back and watch it, I guess.

And interestingly, I go out to pick up the packages and the camera activates immediately.

And interestingly, one of the packages was clearly sliced open and empty.

There's something very wrong here.

I've Googled it and it's clearly a problem.

Oh, okay.

Happening everywhere.

Nowadays, this is a big problem with the internet nowadays is that there are so many people on it and you can find so much information to corroborate any crazy shit that you want.

We saw it.

I don't know what, maybe it was on Guys Plus or something, where it's like, depending on how you search for something,

it will give you, it will give you different information.

It will give you like confirmation bias type results.

You know, if you say, like, right, why is this not this way?

Or why is this actually this way?

It will give you a bunch of different results that sort of.

Right.

Yeah.

And the AI stuff is like, are screws good?

Are screws good to eat?

And then Google at the top.

Screws are sometimes a part of a diet.

Like, you know, it's like, yeah.

Well,

something's very wrong here.

It's clearly a problem happening everywhere.

I've read drivers could be using jammers to block the Wi-Fi from connecting.

Yes, jammers are illegal.

Unethical drivers and criminals just don't care.

And if the delivery people can do it, anyone can.

This has happened to me a lot.

Huge package.

If the delivery people can do it, then anyone can.

What is that?

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess.

You know what?

I mean, they're our most, they're our top level.

That's the most honorable professional.

That's the most trustworthy profession that we have.

It's like, listen, if the delivery guys can do it, then God, I feel like even doctors could possibly be doing it.

I got to say, if they are, if delivery drivers are jamming cameras to avoid those viral moments of them being seen throwing boxes, I think that's fucking awesome.

I think that's the coolest shit I've ever heard.

it.

They're saying they're doing it to steal stuff, I think, is what they're saying.

They're not.

They're saying they're doing it to block what they're doing.

Yeah, but

this person had a box sliced open, they said, and then something was missing, right?

That's what they said.

But that wouldn't.

But also, I think they're saying, like, oh, they throw the packages or they mistreat the packages and stuff like that.

They don't put it in my garage door.

I mean, that makes sense.

That makes sense that it would.

Yeah, because I guess you could check if they stole it.

it would still be hard, you know what I mean?

Like, they would still have ways to catch them, probably, if they were stealing it, other than just on the camera.

And why would he steal it on the camera?

Do you know what I mean?

Like, why would he

take it out of the box in there?

He brought it, he brought it, he could have just kept it.

Yeah, why would he bring it?

Why would he go to the house and then steal it?

So, yeah, I think he.

That's the thing.

He walked up to the house and he took his knife out and he slid it over.

Exactly.

Well, yeah, obviously, I got this shit jammed the fuck up.

They ain't, they ain't watching.

I'm delivering.

I'm jamming this shit up.

And And I'm delivering something.

It's time for the perfect crime.

Yeah.

Hang on.

Let me just.

If I don't deliver it, everybody will know I didn't deliver it.

Let me just make sure that I avoid the mat.

He goes.

Well, watch out.

There's a guy doing karate over there.

We got to get out of here.

And if delivery people can do it, anyone can.

This has happened to me a lot.

Huge packages, not picked up by the ring.

But then a tiny package later the same day is recorded i gotta i got

i got a black leather jacket delivered it didn't even

get picked up

but then later my wraparound oakley sunglasses were delivered and it picked it up no problem

ring and amazon better figure something out to combat this problem where i sense a huge class action lawsuit coming i mean the only people we really want videoed are potential criminals right and if they found a way around getting recorded then what's the point of having a ring?

Curious to see if this review gets pooled, because from what I've read, it's clear to me that Ring is aware there's a problem, and their go-to, quote, it's your settings, is not going to cut it forever.

This guy, I feel like, senses a lot of class action lawsuits.

Like, he just gets that feeling a lot that a lot of them are coming very soon to sort of,

you know, and then he'll sort of get his, you know, then people will see how right he really is.

It's his settings, by the way oh yeah it's a thousand percent his settings yeah oh yeah and he just refuses to work with them like it gets because i i read a lot of reviews for like adt and stuff like that and listen i hate calling people like companies right like calling at t is the worst possible thing you could ever have to do in your life it's like you're going to be on the hold for a really long time and then you're going to get to the other side of it being answered and they're going to want to troubleshoot because their job is to try to get you fixed before they have to send somebody out to do it.

So like, I understand being frustrated when I call, but if I call over and over again, I say, hey, look, this thing is happening and they say it's your settings.

I maybe would go through my settings with them and see if it's possible that I have something.

I'd have someone come out.

I'd have someone come out.

Before I started doing the conspiracy jammer stuff, I would have somebody from the company come out and look at it.

This reminds me of something.

I used to work at a call center for a food delivery service.

It was a terrible job.

And I remember...

I used to work at a call center also.

Dude, we've had a lot of the similar crummy jobs.

We have.

Do you ever recommend anyone for the job?

Me?

Yeah.

I referred one guy.

I don't think so.

Brian, can you say it?

Because I always say it.

Can you just tell Dan quickly what happened with the guy that you referred to?

I referred

my wife's friend's boyfriend to the job, and

he got fired for whacking off the porno at his desk.

And Chris thinks.

It's my favorite story I've ever heard.

And Chris thinks that that made me look bad, but I don't believe that.

He just kept working there.

He kept working there afterwards.

We went to Kings Island together.

yeah he hung out with the guy afterwards as well that's he's jacking off the porno we all do it yeah i i that i could hanging out after would be a little

i couldn't work there afterwards i i it's just like the way that i am i couldn't i would go in there and i would be like well as soon as i leave every room

everyone is get talking about like the the thing that's the guy who absolutely

um i'll give a i'll tell a quick story if i could about this we had a like a group chat thing for all of the call center operatives, right?

And I remember there was this older guy who joined and he started, and I'm not joking, he started hosting like a talk show in the chat, and it was called Fred's Hot Topics because he was named Fred.

And he would like throw out topics to discuss.

And bear in mind, this is for like

work stuff, you know, like so-and-so's restaurant is closed.

I see.

So it was, it was work-related still.

It was not work-related.

It was like,

the image I remember was, all right, today's Fred's hot topics.

Should abortion be legal?

Oh.

You said that.

I remember that was posted.

I literally saw the manager walk across.

But anyway,

so I'm working at this call center for food delivery.

One of the most common complaints we had on the phone was, I found a fucking staple in my food.

And

this restaurant needs to get you know this is dangerous this is in trouble it was the same explanation every time not that they cooked a staple into the food but that they undid the bag

which was stapled and they dropped the staple and that's what happened and that's what that reminds me of right like yeah yeah yeah

for a second that's not what happened this is what happened you know yeah but i want to I want to do one more insanely mad person we'll get out of here.

This is off Trust Pilot.

This is about ADT.

It's one star, and it says, want to get robbed?

Call ADT.

And I'm like, I don't want to get robbed.

I'm not going to call it.

The company is the most fraudulent company I've ever been in contact.

Well, okay.

I got to start that over because it's very strangely worded.

This company is the most fraudulent company I've ever been in a contract with ever in my life.

None of their products work.

The front door lock didn't work.

The garage didn't work.

We got no notifications if a door or window was left open.

The CO2, who knows if it worked, not dead.

So that's a plus.

The smoke alarm was placed right outside my shower room's door where the shower room has no windows.

So all the steam sets off the fire alarm.

I don't think that's true.

That actually is true.

It can do that.

Is it?

Yeah.

I wouldn't have thought the steam would.

set off a fire alarm.

That is annoying then.

I've answered the fire department and its house six times in a two-month span.

It got so bad, the fire department battle rammed the front entrance of my gate to make sure there wasn't a fire.

And then the fire department decided we didn't need to be linked up to them, so they cut us off.

Well, that means the fire department had enough, obviously.

Yeah.

I like the fire department saying, fuck, fuck these guys.

Honestly, yeah, like, we'll just, let's just risk it on this one.

If we get another one,

listen, hey, if it burns down, I owe you all a Coke, all right?

Right.

If you see the, I need to be able to physically see the flames.

Yeah, when you see flames, then I'll come out.

Yeah.

He goes, we had countless service guys come over here and try to fix the problem.

And all of them said that it can't be fixed unless we want to replace our front door, unless we want to replace our garage to accommodate their system.

It all worked the first day, and then a week later, nothing worked.

Well, the smoke alarm did, but it was calling the fire fire department at the most inappropriate times.

Listen, they're all inappropriate times unless there's a fire.

There's only really one appropriate time to call the fire department.

Yeah, and honestly, it's not a matter of like in the middle of the night.

They don't care.

Famously,

they're ready at all times if there's a situation they need to call it.

There's just one catch.

There does have to be a fire or something.

Or something.

Yeah, not necessarily some other situation.

Maybe it's a.

Get stuck up in a tree.

That'll do.

You know, there's there's all kinds of

car accidents and stuff where they can come and help, but there has to be something for them to do when they get there.

Well,

needless to say, my husband and I canceled their service because my husband was getting pissed off having to pay the bill every month, and none of it was in working order.

He'd rather just cancel it and never have to see their name appear on his bill ever again.

We had to pay the breaking fee, which was over $1,000.

Left off.

Yeah, they they have brutal contracts like

and

like you would a break like when i signed a contract breaking fee

yeah yeah to pay uh over it we had to pay for all the devices that didn't work and we are out over ten thousand dollars because our gate still doesn't work Wow, we got the system in the first place because my husband was mugged nearly twice and he thought it could help.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

He was nearly mugged twice.

Now, what does nearly mugged mean exactly?

What does he mean?

So, did he was did he and Kess

encountered a couple of like teenagers who like

they have a gate?

Who's nearly mugging you

inside?

I think I'm thinking that he was nearly mugged

in other places, like you know what I mean, out in public somewhere, and that made them so fearful that they put in security, maybe?

Because, yeah,

you don't hear a lot of muggings, no, front-lawn muggings.

You don't hear a lot of front-lawn muggings or whatever.

I mean, we did get into it.

I

had some friends that did some front lawn stuff.

Like muggings?

Hey, this is Dan.

You were on the original episode, Dan,

when we found out about Brian's violence gang, actually.

We would fight people.

We made merch out of it.

We would fight people in their front yard.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, that's different, though, I feel like, right?

That's different.

Like, mugging someone, I feel like, is just like a very specific thing.

It generally happens on the street in public.

Yes.

The company's name should be: be if there isn't a fire, the fire department is still on their way.

That's not a good name.

A long name.

Let's get a second draft on that at least.

He does have one.

Or, want security, we've actually just invited the robbers right in.

Even longer, I think.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think a class action lawsuit needs to be put into play because this is coming.

I've been sensing one coming.

I've been sensing one recently.

Is anyone else getting a class action lawsuit vibe office?

or is that just me this is the

this is the most i've seen that referred to two things i saw referred to so much citizen's arrest

which me and my friends used to do that to people right

like walking down the street we'd be like citizen's arrest and we'd go running after them you know what i mean and i don't know yeah i guess i i mean i know what you mean you never did that no of course not I you can arrest people as a citizen.

Yeah, I know, but

I understand.

Everyone as a kid, they found out about citizens' arrest, the concept of it, and then they got excited about it.

But did you not understand?

You guys didn't really care that you were actually doing a kidnapping.

No, we never took anywhere.

It was similar to the fire department thing.

You know, there has to be a reason.

We never took them anywhere.

I see.

So you weren't going to do them and like surrounding people.

No, he was jumping people.

He was jumping people.

I wasn't jumping any people.

He was jumping people.

So I would imagine, you know, probably the old lady he's jumping probably did know what citizens arrest was.

And so she was probably like, what did I do wrong?

She's probably all scared.

But it was him.

Don't kill me.

Please.

Please don't kill me.

And then, you know, Aaron probably, Aaron, the leader, is probably like, all right, that's enough.

He's not the leader.

That's not.

Stop saying that on the show.

All right.

Because people are going to think that I was a follower.

And I never said I was the leader.

I said me and Aaron were jockeying for position as leader of the friend group.

What did he drive?

Camaro.

What did you drive?

Oh, that's right.

In the back of his trunk.

I didn't have any.

I didn't have my life.

He rode in the trunk, Dan.

And he claims he was one of the co-leaders of the gang, and he rode in the trunk.

I fit in the fucking trunk.

Yeah, because he was the smallest as well, which is generally.

So we have like a Charles Manson-Tex Watson struggle for control of the Manson family.

That's what he would like you to believe.

But as the stories have come out, listen, I started saying it as a joke that Aaron was actually the leader.

And then every single story he tells is just like

so obvious that Aaron is the leader and that Brian was a non-respected member of the gang.

That is a ridiculous thing to say.

Dan has a podcast coming out, The Outfit.

Make sure to promote it because we cut out the promo in the beginning because we do not allow early promos.

So make sure to do commercials.

Make sure to let people know.

I'm just joking.

But do tell people where you can hear it.

Well, thank you.

The outfit available wherever podcasts are found.

Truly, truly.

Premiering August 15th.

Every week, a different organized crime story.

I think it's a crime podcast for people who maybe wouldn't otherwise both would like true crime podcasts and wouldn't like true crime podcasts.

I think it's a unique one.

I'll actually

listen to it, actually.

I will say,

Dan,

is there a co-host on it?

There is.

My co-host is Alana Levinson, a journalist.

And we're doing it with Headgum and Higher Ground.

So if you like Dough Boys Hollywood Handbook, it's the same network.

We're not.

Are you in a Goo Crew?

They're not really.

People who listen to us don't really like Dough Boys or Hollywood Handbook.

But do you know the Goo Crew?

Are you in a goo crew?

I'm not in the goo crew.

I was never invited.

Yeah, well, neither were we.

So you have like a proper journalist on there.

This is this is going to be informative.

This is going to have actual

vision.

So I was saying I will listen to this.

I love Dan, obviously.

I think he's so funny.

But also, the main reason I'm going to listen to this is because of the article that you did.

And reading that article, remind everyone, what's the title of that article?

That was Last Gamble of Tokyo Joe about the one Japanese-American member of the Chicago mob.

And he's the second episode.

We do a so that's and so I think we probably talked about that on last episode because we did mafia guys, but that's the reason why I will because that was so well done.

And yeah, if you're interested in organized crime and stuff like that, give it a listen.

It'll it'll uh also

by the way, if you're if you never watched a so super pumped, there is a there is a damn character in that movie.

It's a

show.

I said movie.

God damn it.

And you know what?

I interviewed the actor who played me about what it was like to play me.

And

I never published it.

I should publish that on my blog.

Wait, wait a second.

Wait a second.

Tell me.

I know, Dan.

What's this you're telling me?

There's a show called Super Pumped with

Jay Gordon.

Jay Gordon Liddy.

No, Joseph Gordon Levitt.

Jay Gordon.

Gordon.

Not Jay Gordon.

Not G.

Gordon Liddy.

You did it.

You worked with G.

Gordon Liddy.

I flubbed.

That is a weird.

You can call that a shot.

So there's a show, and you're a character on it?

Yeah.

I got to learn more about that.

We'll end the episode now, but I'm going to ask you more about this.

This is

intriguing to me.

Yeah, I was a character and the guy.

And then the guy played me, and I interviewed him.

He was a really nice guy, and Nick Fondulis was his name.

And he was from the same part of Long Island I was from.

It was just a weird.

Well, that is weird.

And that's not that

much of a coincidence because you were from basically

I'm sorry, Dan has lived in every single city.

Because he's a trucker.

He's lived in every city in the entire.

I'm telling you, he's like, oh, yeah, I lived there.

I lived there.

It's part of his appeal to me.

The fucking my idiot friends all cannot conceive of the idea of a guy having lived in a bunch of places.

Yeah, endlessly.

That was a real inside joke, not for the listener, because, yeah, that's just from like, you know, Fart John and people like that, and Jesse and DB.

I used to.

I don't want to hear about your group chat antics.

Okay, I didn't bring it up.

I didn't bring it up.

We'll see you next week.

Goodbye.

Thanks, guys.