Guys: Episode 114 - Rant Guys with Maddie Weiner

Hey, welcome to guys, the podcast about guys.

I'm Brian.

I'm fucking going crazy over here ranting and raving.

And that's my rant, really, to tell you the truth.

I don't know how to do it.

Yeah, I told you a couple days ago, I don't even know how to be alone on Mike.

Yeah, you need somebody to bounce stuff off of.

You're not the classic because, of course, like Bill Burr, he does the Monday morning podcast where he does his rant.

You need to be able to rant a little bit if you want to do this.

Okay, you got to go, okay.

You got to go like this.

You got to be like this kind of thing here.

Let's get a soundboard.

You can see him just straight to find the right here.

You got to do this.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to get myself a 1967 Cadillac Eldorado convertible.

Hot pink, with a whale-skin hopcaps, an all-leather cow interior, and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights.

Yeah!

And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115 miles per hour, getting one mile per gallon, sucking down quarter pound of cheeseburgers from McDonald's and the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers.

And when I'm done sucking down those grease ball burgers, I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag, and then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the side and play.

So that used to be my best friend.

To be honest, it took me about 30 seconds to realize that wasn't like the theme song for the show.

That is.

It's going to be now.

It will be now.

We have as a guest this week, Maddie Wiener.

Hi, Maddie.

Hi.

Thank you for having me.

Sorry I played Dennis Leary like right away like that.

I just, that used to be.

The funniest thing I'd ever heard in my life.

Me too.

And I'm sorry to admit it, but when I was a child, like an actual child, when I was like 10 years old or something, I remember hearing that.

And I was like, holy shit,

this is the funniest thing in the history of the world.

And then I found out later on, I guess he stole it from noted masturbator Louis C.K., but

the whole bit is just stolen from him, apparently, I guess.

But, anyways.

So, this week,

we had to bring a stand-up comedian on because neither me or Chris are one.

No, I've I'm not allowed to say it, but yeah,

neither one of us.

One of us, we're both podcasters.

True.

So,

what we wanted to do is rant, guys, because I have this,

there's a thing with me that I cannot stand rants.

Like, they make me crazy at this age.

I don't know what it is.

You know what I mean?

Because, like I said, I like that Dennis Leary thing.

I thought that was the funniest thing in the world in 1996.

You got an issue with rants.

I got an idea for Outlet of how you could let people know about that.

Yeah.

Maddie, are you, are you a stand-up?

You're a, you're a, I've, I watched some of your stand-up comedy and I didn't see any heavy-duty rants in there.

Have you ever done that throughout your career?

How do you feel about rant-style comedy?

I like it.

I like watching it.

Although I do think maybe it is specifically rant guys because like the conviction that you have to have to go on a rant is like beaten out of you as a woman.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, if that makes sense.

I'd like to give me to go on a rant.

I'd be like, but also maybe this is totally wrong.

And like, I don't know.

You can, I'll walk into the the ocean if I'm being dumb right now.

No, no, I think it is because I can't, I can't, first of all, think of a lot of women that do them.

And I can imagine the sort of like

reaction to that would be not the same as when, you know, a guy, and what you said at the beginning is, is so the conviction of like, I'm right.

Everybody else is fucking wrong.

And everybody needs to hear this.

I think is the combination of things that make me nuts about rant.

But I will say, I do like that kind of guy.

That is very fun.

Like, I love like a like borderline Asperger's dialed in.

Here's my manifesto.

That's why I fuck with that heavy.

You're going to have a good time today, I'm guessing, then, because I think we are going to meet a lot of people like that.

I think that I'm thinking, like I mentioned, Bill Burr is, he seems to be the sort of like number one top rant comedian, the guy who you kind of want to get to, like the level you want to get to.

And he's very good.

And obviously, he's so funny and just like has that ability to craft, you know, good ideas as well.

But there are, Chris, there are jokes in the rants.

I think the thing I'm getting at is like...

There are a lot of rant comedians who think that the rant is the joke.

Like, that's enough.

There doesn't have to be anything funny in that.

They're just like, isn't it funny?

I'm standing up here saying all this stuff.

Like that thing we played at the beginning where he's like, with whale skin hubcaps and all leather cow interior, like that kind of thing.

That's not like funny.

That's not a joke.

There's no joke to it.

It's like, and a lot of it does have to do with, I remember when I used to do stand-up comedy and tread the boards.

Don't, you're, you never did it.

Y'all are.

And when I used to tread the boards and I would go around, sometimes it would be like, I would, you would notice sometimes that I guess some comedians would, they recognize that if you do it in a certain way, then people will applaud at the end because they can't help but do it.

It's like human nature that if you sort of like,

then it's just like, oh, yeah, okay, I guess I'm supposed to clap here.

And that is sort of an effective way to make it seem like everybody's really into your shit.

And I remember when I was a, I was like, oh, those guys, they're not like peer, like me, man.

I'm like, I'm doing real stuff.

And I would really judge those people heavily as an open-minded comedian myself who was absolutely terrible.

So not all rant guys are comedians.

Some guys just in life are rant guys.

You know what I mean?

I've encountered them before where it's like, just like often they're a guy that would say, I should be a comedian.

Oh, yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like,

I should be a comedian because I have all these crazy, like my father-in-law.

used to be like you should have me on your podcast well and it's like we should say like we should have him on your on the pod You know,

he lives in a chicken coop, and

so we should have money.

Shit's in a bucket.

He thinks the world's going to end in about one to two months, and we should have him on the podcast.

So I think he has a point there.

That's not a good example.

That's such a funny cherry-picking too of modern technology is being like, I don't like toilets, but I would like a sure mic.

I would like the podcast and

they're the funniest kind of preppers because because they're like 72.

It's like,

you're going to be fine.

You're going to be fine.

It's going to be great for you.

Everything's going great for you.

So I went to R slash rant, which, by the way, no politics on there.

They're not allowed to do that.

Wow.

Seriously, at the top of the page, it says no politics.

I would imagine it just like, yeah, that it became all that, right?

And they had to, they're like, no, no, there's a politics subreddit.

We want, we want, we're here for the rants, you know, the actual.

So the funny thing is, there is R slash rant, no politics, and then there is R slash rants, which is mostly complaining about being kicked out of R slash rant for doing politics.

It's the two rant subreddits.

Have you ever been on R slash hobby drama?

I haven't.

No, I'm gonna, I mean, that would be perfect for this show for sure.

Oh, yeah.

It kind of sounds like this, but it's just specifically really intense drama in very niche, irrelevant communities.

And like

discourse about getting kicked off of R/slash rants is right, I love that shit, dude.

That's, that's, that's, that's all that we talk about, basically.

So that's right up our alley.

Let's check.

I, and, and I don't have a lot of comments for all these things, but uh, here, here's the first rant that we have.

You can't even buy regular blinds now.

Wait a second.

Yeah, you can.

Yeah, you can.

I'm talking about that, Chris.

I'm calling bullshit on this.

You can.

Maybe not in Woke America.

Within the last year, I bought regular blinds.

Sorry, I know this is a little bit of a...

Left turn, but this is a mini rant that I have that I hate.

It's people who say these days, and it's like, no, no, you're noticing something that's happened for all of human history for the first time.

But just because you noticed it, now you think it's like a modern problem.

People will be like, oh, people really lie these days.

And I'm like, what do you think happened in like the chronology of history that, oh, now people lie?

You're just noticing a universal thing for the first time.

Yeah.

I mean, sorry.

You ranted there.

That's cool, though.

That's totally in this episode.

Listen, folks, if you're not okay with that,

hey, go tune into some other show, Conan O'Brien's podcast.

We're going to be doing some rants this fucking show.

Why don't you go watch fucking friends?

Friends.

And here's my biggest issue with the celebrities doing their podcast, too.

Hey, you got the TV shows.

you got the movies, you got all of that stuff.

Hey, this is all we got, Conan O'Brien.

Why do you got to come take this shit over, Amy Poehler?

Jeez, I went to buy some blinds today, just regular blinds.

I hate the cordless ones because they always eventually get stuck on one side and then they hang to one side or open unevenly.

Then I found out that corded blinds are now illegal because they, quote, pose a strangulation hazard to children.

That's not, that can't be true.

What?

They're illegal.

Also, if it is fair trade-off i have them though i have them that must be a canadian thing because we don't have them and she go the person it's some dude online so it is a dude he goes what the how dumb are some people's kids i'm sorry but if you get yourself strangled by blinds that's a much needed natural selection

That's the best dude.

Using that, like, think about it in like theory, you can talk about that and whatever.

Like, oh, that's natural selection.

But you are talking about a toddler strangling itself on some blinds and dying from strangulation.

And you're like, it's called natural selection, doofus.

Like, what the hell?

That's a natural thing.

That's natural selection when you evolved like the environment.

We didn't have corded blinds.

That's unnatural selection.

Definitely.

Good point.

We can't be passing on those genes to the next generation.

That's how we end up with idiocracy in real life.

Oh, wait a second.

It's a documentary.

Have you seen that documentary?

That's not actually.

I've heard of it, but I haven't seen it.

Oh, it's a documentary.

You should watch it.

It's actually

you might think it's a movie, but it's actually a documentary.

Yeah.

So that's the first rant.

Then we go to the next rant on R slash Rant.

This one,

this one is a classic Reddit guy.

And the title you're going to hear, and you're going to be like, oh, I'm so sick of subsidizing my roommate's grocery bill, then having him eat more than his share, marking it as mine, means nothing.

Okay, hang on.

I just want to say, if this is true to what he's saying, this is he's, he's right.

If you know, that's, that's annoying.

If you live with a roommate and they're eating all of your food and you're buying it, that is annoying.

So I am, I'm on this guy's side to start.

I would have a conversation.

Oh, you're saying you want to go post it online?

I wouldn't go post it on our rant.

Yeah, I would go talk to them.

Like, he's right to be upset about it, but you're right.

A normal human being thing to do is just be like, hey, man, you can't eat my food.

I'm sick of subsidizing my roommate's grocery bill.

Then having him eat more than his share, marking food as mine means nothing.

It started slow.

It wasn't everything.

Then it was more and more.

Now there's this snooze-you-lose attitude when it comes to any snacks or desserts in the kitchen.

Putting my name on things or going so far as to mention I plan to have something or take it with me for lunch means nothing.

The person I live with is fat, selfish asshole who has no respect for anyone else.

Took me a while to figure this out.

Maybe I was a bit blinded by nostalgia or how I remember them when we lived together when we were in our 20s.

I hate to say it, but this is just the straw that broke the camel.

That's the wrong.

I guess breaking the camel.

You know, I kind of hate the guy now.

He's really into conspiracy theories.

He's definitely voted for turnip head.

Both of us.

For who?

Turniphead.

Who is that?

You guys had a.

Is that Trump?

I guess it's Trump.

Oh, is this how he's getting around the no politics rule?

So he doesn't get pad for Trump.

Yeah, he's using like a Grease Man style.

He's an old radio host for you, so isn't he?

He's like using a turnip head.

Nobody has ever said it.

Yeah, exactly.

And it's like...

It kind of sounds like Trump turnip, right?

So it's like you can kind of figure it out, but it's not a one that's used.

Even if you said orange, whatever, mango Mussolini, that would probably get you blocked as well.

That is what he's.

You see this a lot on Blue Sky now.

If you go on there, it's like

a guys, first of all, there's Elmo for Elon Musk, right?

Because they don't want to say the guy's name.

And now there's El No, E-L-N-O, like as in Helmo.

I've seen.

Yeah.

I'm going to start calling it.

Yeah, Hell No Mutt.

Or what's one for Musk that you could say

Brian Chris.

Munch.

Butt munch.

Yeah, yeah.

Hell no, butt munch is my new nickname for Elon Musk.

It's hell no butt munch.

The best Trump one, the best Trump one is TFG,

and a lot of them use it.

Do you know that one?

No, I don't.

Friendly Giant.

That fucking guy.

They don't want to say his name.

They don't want to say a nickname.

Liberals are so Harry Potter pills, but I'm like, he's not Voldemort, dude.

Like, say it.

What do you just say his name?

That's it.

We're having a conversation about fascism.

You know what I mean?

Like, and they're like, ah, turnip head.

What they were calling Hitler, like, what?

Charlie Chaplin?

Like, what are we talking about?

Schitler.

You know, there were guys saying Schitler back then.

Hey, look at Schitler over there.

Oh, you mean idiot?

You mean idiot Schitler?

Yeah.

Oh, damn.

He's a broke fuck, sells weed still and gets upset when people go to dispensaries for actually fresh bud.

Rips me off.

I love that line.

By the way, his roommate sounds like an absolute

shit.

I love it.

His roommate is this fucking dude who just sits around all day selling weed and complaining because, yeah, you can't really sell weed anymore.

It's legal.

You can buy it at the store.

And he's just sitting there complaining about it, refuses to improve his own life and is just openly eating all of this guy's cake and shit.

That's what's funny.

And

the thing about, like,

he could sell mushrooms.

Like, that's a thing that the weed guys have all kind of moved on to mushrooms and acid anyway.

And

there's more of a market for both of those up there, but not down here anywhere.

They're not legal technically, but they're gray market enough that there's mushroom stores here in Vancouver.

So yeah, you can't really like.

Although, yeah,

I suppose you still can, because I still order my weed and mushrooms from a not a legal place because the prices are just so much better and they deliver it to my house and they're nice and I've been using them for a long time.

So, yeah, I think there might still be a market if this guy was enterprising and figured that out, but I don't think he sounds like he is.

I love this.

Rips me off any chance he can get it.

Hits me up for money all the time.

I need to just get a mini fridge and a fucking lock for it.

Start splitting the bills with my thumb on the scale.

Maybe if he's, maybe if he's got a fuck him attitude with me it's only fair to treat him the same i miss living with just my pets they make for better conversations anyway uh i mean this is this is this is a shitty ass

thing because it's like this grown man who's older and doesn't want to be living with roommates but like the financial situation in america or in his life it's like forced him to live with this absolute fucking monster who is yeah who he like i guess used to know when they were younger This sounds like a really negative situation.

Brian, have you ever had a roommate?

Like, if I moved.

Yes, I have had a roommate that I didn't get along with.

And so I would imagine that that roommate probably had a situ would have been able to do a similar pose to this person.

No, I was doing the pose.

Okay?

I'm not the bad guy ever.

In anything.

Maddie,

are you, I mean, you live in New York City.

I live in Vancouver, so New York City is Roommate Central.

Have you ever, in your entire life had a roommate at this level of bad?

I've had more the opposite thing, which

I hope I wasn't the guy, but like, but like a roommate that was like, we need to like clean like the baseboard, like scrub the baseball.

This feels like kind of like evil stepmother shit.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, like worse than when you're growing up.

Like now you're doing more chores than when you were growing up.

I guess

when I lived in that apartment with my friend zane who might even listen to the show i did hey shout out zane how you doing zane i only made like 450 an hour and i needed some of that money for acid so like i didn't really pay much rent like he paid most of it and then i always had people over at the house and we were always partying all night and being super loud and like uh standing in the breezeway and and peeing outside and yelling and doing acid until like five in the morning and and and waving at people on their way to work after we kept them up all night i know acid acid gets you high notoriously for a really long time so unless you're

in the morning then you're then you're gonna be high until the late that's how we that's why we did it because we were broke we couldn't afford weed is expensive yeah yeah yeah no acid's five dollars for ten hours of fun it is you know what i mean it really was the most that's like mushrooms and acid were always that kind of stuff that would get you high for so long was always your best value.

Definitely.

So a guy goes, can you lock your stuff up?

He won't stop unless he literally cannot access your food.

I've had this experience with my father.

That might be Gwen, actually, to tell you the truth, because she does hide snacks in her room.

From you.

Could be.

Yes, of course.

But

does Gwen live there?

I talked to her.

But when she does, like between semesters and stuff, yes, she hides food in her room, candy.

But then the guy goes, That's my next step.

I already started keeping a snack stash a while back.

I need to get a mini fridge next weekend and a fridge lock.

So then the guy replies and goes, Glad to hear you'll be taking that step.

I'm literally typing this from a room with my own snack stash.

And the reason I wanted to read this

is the next post from the OP.

The original poster said,

The worst is the bed crumbs.

Although I do change my sheets way way more than usual because of it, I'm not a slob.

I just eat like one.

So this guy

is eating in his bedroom, in bed, and getting crumbs all over the place.

Instead of locking just the food in the bedroom.

Is he afraid the guy is going to, well, he's eating it, come up and grab it out of his hand?

Like a fucking, like a seagull?

I do picture.

It would be so great.

You get a padlock at a mini fridge fridge and you come home and the walk is just broken and he's just sitting there eating your food like that's how i picture this is like as like sort of a like yeah i i picture it as a movie situation and this guy is like a real villain the other guy i also like that that this guy goes uh i would straight up eat that shit while he washed and salivated

And the guy goes, like, but that's normal.

You should be able to eat it while he watches.

Like, your roommates with him.

If you have to eat and he's out in the common area, it's not like you're, oh man, look at this.

I'm eating my lunch.

But like, no, you're just eating your lunch.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, the guy got, the less is the last two.

Many fridge don't keep as cold sometimes.

So another option is a lock box you keep inside the kitchen fridge.

OP replies and goes, that would make him flip out.

Almost worth it.

So that's why I like the

OP is like, now he's trying to start an actual fight instead of saying, why are you eating my food all the time, dude?

But that's what he doesn't have to say.

Maybe he has said it to him.

It doesn't seem like he has.

But maybe he said it to him in his defense, and then the guy just ignores it completely because this guy's like a true degenerate.

And I would say, you've got to find it.

Maybe it's impossible.

But you just find another place to live with another different roommate, I would say, right?

Like, why is he not even floating that as an idea to Lee?

He's like, I'm going to buy a lock and I'm eating in my bed.

Because he hates him.

Yeah, like you're hating your life, you hate him.

Go find a different living situation.

All right.

The lock is so funny, too, because what did you guys walk into the kitchen at the same time?

You open the lock, he gets his food, and the guy's like, Oh, let me get in there.

And he goes, Oh, no.

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

He comes in while you're, yeah, that's in the fridge.

You have a lock box, and then you're opening it up, and he like sees the stuff in there.

He's like, Oh, was it?

What do you got in there?

Like, you know, he's like, Oh, shit.

This guy's so afraid of confrontation.

He's like, Sure, yeah, I have any.

And he goes in his room and starts posting on Reddit again.

Yeah, yeah.

So I need a lockbox inside my lockbox, it seems like, guys.

Let's go to one of our groups here

and check out a rant by one of our guys from the past.

This is a rant.

I hate being a single guy.

This is from R Swingers.

Maddie, do you know anything about this pineapple community, this wigging community?

You know, I've recently learned about this because my friend was wearing a pineapple shirt and kept getting approached.

And he was like, What is going on?

That's an accident.

You do not want to do it.

And he was like, I just like pineapples.

Yeah, no, no, you don't.

No, you don't anymore.

Unfortunately, not in today's America.

You can't just like pineapples.

It's actually technically upside down.

Pineapple is like the real signifier for the lifestyle, but

nowadays it's so prevalent that they'll take it, you know.

But yeah, it's basically swingers.

And the main thing is they hate sing single guys are a real issue in the community that's current clubs as you can imagine they're a real problem and they have to create different sets of rules and pricing and everything for them that's like sliced pineapple yeah they're really really really considered like

like monsters or like like what's the right word i mean like rat like rats or something

infestation yeah it's like an infestation when they show up

like maddie sometimes they'll have them line up outside and say there's too many single guys in here already.

You guys got to go.

And just send the people home.

And then the other times what they'll do, which I love,

is they charge couples $20 to get in and they charge single guys $100 to get in.

And that's my favorite thing that they do.

Some guys get so mad about it, too.

And it's like, dude, you're a problem.

If you want a problem, then it wouldn't be like, it's not.

It's your community.

You need to get together as a community and see why it is they feel the need to charge you a hundred dollars you're not being scaring yeah you're staring and whacking off all the time that's because that's what i believe they do they because they put them in like a little pin in the club and then the couples can come in the pen pen and be like you you can come with me and then they'll they'll take them back to the playroom but then they get back to the playroom if the couple's ready to leave single guy's got to leave too they're like You got to leave.

It's at the same time, like they have someone to chews them out.

They're not even allowed to stay in the playroom unless their their couple is with them.

Like it's like their guardian or whatever.

And

it really is like the way they talk, we used to joke about it.

And none of the jokes we could make ever rivaled what the

real feelings are, how negative the feelings are in the community for them.

Living up to a potluck and not bringing any food.

Yes.

Yeah.

Or bringing less than no food.

Yes.

Like if there is a way to bring less.

Yeah, like you're coming in and you're like, yeah, you're like,

you're doing something nasty to other people's food to make it so they can't eat it.

Yeah, that is a good analogy, though.

Showing up to a potluck with no food and just expecting, because...

By the way, a single woman is not considered bad.

That's a unicorn.

That's known as a unicorn, and they're like the best thing in the whole community.

And single guys sometimes get mad about that dichotomy, but it's like, come on, man.

There's a reason for that.

But yeah, what a single guy is trying to become become is a bull, basically.

And a bull is somebody who regularly has sex with a hot wife in a cut cold type situation.

Okay, so he goes, Rant, I hate being a single guy.

Once I'm in the local club, it's fine.

There's no judgment, but having to apply every time and fill out a questionnaire is annoying,

yeah.

Well, they have to make sure that you're you know, one of the good ones, you know.

So they make you do like some skill testing questions, some like

polycraft polycraft questions.

Aren't you extremely horny right now?

Yeah, yeah.

How horny are you, Scale of one to 10?

And if you're over 8.5, they don't let you in.

Watching the club post messages about how they're almost sold out, buy your tickets now while you're still waiting for them to reply.

And then they do respond a week later and it's sold out.

Hey, the awkwardness of asking to play when you can only bring half to the table, the difficulty even getting a response on websites.

I'm happily married, but my wife is asexual.

The lifestyle, that is

that feels like a strategy.

That feels like a single guy strategy.

That's all I'm saying.

Yeah, they, and just to be clear, Maddie, that might not be true.

They often say that.

They'll often say, like,

they'll be like, oh, they're on, oh, I'm just on the phone with my wife.

Oh, honey, I'll be home with dinner later on, like as they're entering the club, but they're just single guys at the end of the day.

Oh, bro.

Me and Chris have this way that they could get in where they bring a photo of a woman and say, this is my wife.

She died and she always wanted me to go to a swinger club.

But I'm not a single guy.

I'm a widower.

And she wants to watch me make love to a woman.

So we're going to put

the photograph of her on the wall while I make love to someone.

Her final words were, get your dick sucked in Berlin.

Also, is it just crazy to be single and jump from like being in a relationship, skip over being in a relationship and just up someone else's relationship, it's weird, it's weird to go.

It is, I understand,

I've always said this.

I understand the single guy impulse, right?

Where it's like, okay, I'm probably not having much luck at the clubs because, again,

I'm not having luck at the clubs.

Maybe I'm not like the most charming guy or whatever.

Where is a place I could go to get maximum sex?

And the first thing they think is the swinger clubs.

But the swinger clubs are full of couples.

And, you know, you get five single guys.

That fucks the ratio up.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, they only have single guys that are that have people like you have to just be like this complete hunk, right?

Like this just like person who is just like such a hunk because that's what it is.

There's so many of them to pick from that

only the real upper echelon are getting picked.

He goes,

I like to hang out, meet people, have fun, and see my sexual needs.

It's the perfect solution.

And the people I've met and played with agreed that it works and have no issue.

But getting your foot in a door as a single guy is so damn frustrating.

They'll do that.

They'll stick their foot right in there.

They're like, nice try.

The elevator's about to go and you're like, no.

All their friends are behind them.

You think it's just one?

And it's just like this huge fucking group.

Sometimes it makes me want to throw it all in.

But the times that has worked have made me have made such a difference in my mental health, made me feel sexy again.

I don't know where I'm going with this.

I'm just frustrated.

That's nice.

I'll be honest.

Hey, shout out.

I mean, that's what people are looking for.

It just sounds like you're doing it in the wrong way.

If it's like, you're like, oh, it's so nice when it does work.

It works so infrequently.

And I'm dealing with, I'm debasing myself

constantly and just feeling so insecure always.

Maybe there's a better method to do it than

well.

I'll say this.

I'll say this.

Charlotte sluts responded to him.

Okay.

What they're saying.

Charlotte sluts.

If you want the experience to be better for single guys, then I would advise you to take initiative to help other single guys.

And I say this with zero sarcasm or attitude, but seriously, help the other guys who just don't seem to get it.

Post about what has worked for you.

Post guidance for them.

Talk to them.

Engage them.

It gets exhausting for couples and single females to have to do it all the time.

And I know there are other posts about how single single guys act, but become a champion for us couples.

Be an ally for us.

Because dealing with some of the knuckleheads is just fucking exhausting.

It's always some mixture of either not reading our posts, not respecting the husband, or thinking your rippling gum gutters and dick pic are going to send her over the moon.

Yeah, I mean, that's tremendous advice, and that's a really nice little rant, I feel like.

Yeah, that's a beautiful thing.

Prediction, he's going to come back and be like, fuck you, whore.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right.

MCU guys have

issues too to rant about.

Yeah.

Marvi.

We've covered MCU guys in the past.

They are weird.

They're not as weird as Simpsons guys, but they're still very strange.

Rant mode activated.

Yes.

Yep.

That's what it says.

That's what I was.

I was hoping that, yeah, sometimes I'll activate my rant mode and then look out.

Searching rant mode activated or engaged on Reddit Reddit is high-level good.

Of course, these guys use it because they all think they're like fucking Tony Stark or whatever.

Iron Man is just capitalist propaganda.

Oh, well, actually.

Speak of the devil.

Wow.

He's right.

Yeah.

But,

okay, sit down, buckle up, throw in some rage against the machine, or I don't know, Grimes if you're feeling ironic.

Because I need to.

I hate Brian, Brian,

Brian.

Buckle up, buttercup.

Brian, stop.

I'm not.

I can't.

Put on some grimes if you're feeling ironic at the beginning of your rant.

It might be a bit too far for me.

I'm not sure I'm going to be able to listen to this whole thing.

These have to be audio posts.

That has to be.

We have to change the rules of that subreddit to you have to have a voice of

ramp mode activated.

And you can't grime if you're feeling ironic.

Ramp mode activated.

On a recent bonus episode, we were reading positive reviews for Cards Against Humanity.

And the guy is saying, like, you know, if you like Workaholics or, like,

South Park or The Simpsons, you'll love this game.

And then he goes, if you don't like those, why don't you go back home and watch Friends?

And it was just such a fucking line that killed me.

It stuck in my head.

So anyway, he goes,

because I need to vent about why Iron Man is literally just TED Talk propaganda in a mech suit.

So let's talk about Tony, quote, I monetize global instability stark.

The guy is a weapon stealer, y'all.

Like he made billions selling destruction and destabilizing the global south.

And the second he gets a little shrapnel in his chest, he has a panic attack in a cave.

Suddenly he's the second coming.

Spare me.

That's not redemption.

That's a PRE brand.

I think this guy's having some trouble understanding it's a movie.

Like, this didn't happen in real life.

He didn't do it.

You could just be like he didn't do any of those things.

That's like the Batman thing where they're like, why doesn't Batman

use his money to fucking

whatever to help the homeless?

It's because it's a Batman.

It's a movie.

He's Batman.

He beats up bad guys.

That's the point of the thing.

And don't give me that he changed speech.

Did he dismantle the military industrial complex?

Did he advocate for disarmament?

No.

So this is also a movie.

I love the thing where it's like, they should have taken some time in the movie for him to disarm the military.

Why did he do some advocacy?

Like some advocacy and stuff like that.

Like I never saw him out like at any protests or, you know, anything like that.

No, no.

He goes, he privatized world peace.

The actual quote is, I have successfully privatized world peace.

And the Senate just collapsed.

Are you kidding me?

This man basically said, what if Jeff Bezos had personal nuke suit, no accountability, and y'all build a shrine?

Who built the shrine?

The people in the movie.

Oh, in the movie they do?

Or the people watching the movie built the shrine of the character?

Who is he talking about now?

It really feels like this person is having trouble.

distinguishing what's real and what isn't.

You know what I mean?

And it's basically writing a whole other movie in their mind.

So boring.

I know it sounds like the worst movie you've ever seen.

Really?

It sounds like something, hey, sorry to get, you know,

this sounds like one of the new MC, something they'd put out nowadays on their new stuff.

Sorry to go Mike Zero on you.

Woke, yeah.

Very woke.

Very.

Do you know Mike Zero, Maddie?

My wife Matt, like 18 people.

Well, that's

more people know Mike Zero than us.

He's very popular, actually.

He's just a guy that is mad because Marvel's woke and Snow White.

He's one of Brian's favorite YouTube creators.

You should go watch a video of his.

I get yelled at when I play him.

Let's be real.

Iron Man's Capitalism's final form.

Unchecked power, infinite money, no oversight, and a god complex with holograms.

The UN, the government?

Nah, let's let the guy with daddy issues and a Roomba army decide what justice looks like.

Oh, fuck off, Brian.

You know, this guy is another guy.

He wants to be writing for a publication.

He wants to be writing for something.

This is a showcase of his work more than anything.

You know, the good daddy issues in a Roomba army.

Like, he's really, he really thinks he's saying a thing here that people are going to enjoy.

He's Dennis Learying right now.

Yeah.

I think in his mind...

When we finish reading this, everybody claps.

You know what I mean?

And like, stands up.

In his mind he's at the fucking he's at the fucking table at what's the comedy club that they sit at the table at

the comedy seller the comedy seller he's at the table he's fucking late he's riffing with robert kelly and just fucking laying the shit down right now in his mind jim norton stands up and is just like that was oh i love that anthony kumi tries to sneak in and security beats the shit out of him

we hate we hate anthony we hate hey we we're we're one of the we're one of the few podcasts around me that is

not a big fan of Anthony Kumia from Opiate Anthony podcast or radio show.

And I am Iron Man.

That's not empowering.

That's a narcissist refusing to pass the mic.

It's not the Avengers.

Come on.

I won't pass the mic.

If the narcissist refusing to pass the mic, you're on R slash rants.

Yeah.

No, actually, they're not.

They're on just the Marvel Cinematic Universe thing.

But even worse than being on R slash rants because you're doing a fucking rant that nobody wants.

Like, nobody's asking for this.

You know,

because an I am Iron Man, that's not empowering.

That's a narcissist refusing to pass the mic.

It's not the Avengers.

It's the Stark cinematic universe featuring everyone else.

Time travel, his tech.

Ultron, his fault.

Peter Parker's therapy bills, also his fault.

Marvel gave Wakanda, a collective, sustainable, anti-colonial utopia, one movie.

Meanwhile, Tony gets an origin story two mid-sequels a redemption arc a death arc a post-death arc and like 40 cameos coincidence or did capitalism cook wait wait what you're it's made by the disney corporation

it's made by the the billion dollar disney corporation do you really think that you like this is this some sort of surprising revelation that it's just like yeah they're movies that are like exclusively governed by no principle other than like what will sell tickets.

Yes.

Exactly.

Any of the woke stuff that they put in there that you get all angry about, like that the right-wing people get angry about, maybe a guy like, I don't know what this guy is.

This guy seems like he has progressive politics.

But yeah, all that stuff is like, oh,

this, this guy.

I agree with this guy and hate his guts.

Yeah, he's right.

But just the idea in this guy's head that like Disney should be doing, you know, a little bit more for like anti-colonialism and stuff like that.

It's like, yeah, no, they just, they put progressive stuff in movies because they think it will sell tickets.

That's why they do it.

That's the reason why they do it.

At the end of the day, that's the reason why they do every single thing.

Next, we're almost there.

He goes, and y'all are still buying it.

But he sacrificed himself.

Okay, but first, the emotionally manipulated Spider-Man into becoming his legacy project, installed a surveillance AI to keep tabs on him and then dip.

That's not sacrifice.

That's brand continuity.

Tony Stark isn't a hero.

He's an allegory for how late-stage capitalism creates the fire, sells you the hose, then charges you a monthly fee to use it.

He's Elon Musk with Better One-Liners, a Type Bro Fever Drive.

I haven't heard that before.

Oh, that's interesting.

Oh, oh, sorry.

Do you mean hell no?

Hell no, butt munch?

That's what I call him all the time.

But I have noticed that.

I have uniquely noticed that.

I have noticed that myself that, hey, Tony, this guy, Elon Musk, or Hell No Butt Munch, as I call him, is basically

going to become a thing.

We're going to have a Hell No Butt Munch sticker in the next one.

Hell no butt munch.

This guy is basically like Tony Stark.

But wait, did he say without the...

Who doesn't have the one-liners?

Hell no?

He's Elon Musk with better one-liners.

I don't know about that.

Elon's got pretty good lines.

He shares some pretty cool memes.

He goes, a tech bro, fever dream, the gilded cage just has Jarvis voice control and a HUD.

And simply, it's freedom.

Iron Man didn't save the world.

He franchised the apocalypse.

Mike dropped.

logs off, stares at the ceiling, thinking about Wakanda forever.

If you want a real hero, find someone who doesn't profit from their power.

But go ahead.

Tell me how he grew as a person.

Mike,

Maddie, and I both put our heads out

to our head in shock and backed away from the camera when he said mic drop.

Yeah, he said mic drop.

That's a cool thing.

That's have you ever seen it?

You ever seen a real mic drop in real life, Maddie?

I've never seen an earned one.

No, but have you seen somebody do a real microphone?

Yeah.

I actually have.

Oh my God, I actually have.

And it was,

I can't stand it.

But typing it out, again,

this has to be an audio note.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

If I should email this guy and be like, I'm blind, but my friends have told me that you're a genius.

I need to.

Maddie, there's a guy.

There's a guy on our bonus content that is a Yelp reviewer.

And Chris hates his guts because that's how he writes.

Like, he doesn't write like rant style.

He writes like flowerly, like English prose and stuff like that when he's like reviewing a place that paints cars.

And like we always talk about how like there's these guys, man, they want to be doing something artistic.

You know what I mean?

They want and their outlet is like Quora or something like that.

And you're like,

yeah,

that's what this guy is.

He's another one of those and they're my least favorite.

Yeah.

That are like writing it with the idea that there's going to be an audience reading and appreciating the writing.

Not the content of it, but the writing and like the turns of phrases and stuff like that.

They're writing it as if they are

like a writer for a magazine.

And it really, really annoys me because there's a, in most cases, there's a reason why they are not a writer for a magazine and have not, in fact, gotten that job.

Well, probably one of the reasons is they're fucking annoying, would you my guess?

Here's one from the tool website.

or the tool

the band the band yeah yeah yeah time signatures everything we go we love tool guys.

This is going to be.

Oh my God.

If you're Andrew, this comic Andrew Durso has an incredible joke about Tool where he said, he posted on Instagram, so I think I can retell it.

But he was like, he said, every fan of Tool feels like they can represent themselves in a court of law.

Well,

this one,

I didn't know anything about Tool fans until we did the Tool Guys episode, but that's what he learned.

These are a lot of guys who are, you know, their music listening experience is maybe a little bit different than yours, perhaps a little bit more high level andrew durst joke come on but yeah that's so i'm about to throw you guys like one of the wildest

you're not expecting what this is about as all i'm gonna say rant about ticket prices unpopular opinion though i don't know it helped me reconcile hopefully it helps y'all in some way man We got to get a hold of this negativity around these ticket prices.

I've never been to a show, but I hope to just once.

It may not happen though.

However, if I do go to a show and spend 800 bucks to just get in the door and nobody told me to file into the building packed like sardines with a bunch of other humans to sit and watch a

spectacle, they've been at this for over 30 years.

Fuck, they did it, took a break and did it again.

Now the ticket prices did fuck me up at first.

And then it started to affect my relationship with the music.

I can't let that happen.

So I see it as a lesson, whether or not that's really what it is.

I think for yourself, think for yourself.

Question authority.

Even if that means saying fuck an $800 ticket and making a conscious decision not to go see your favorite band, drawing your own line because nobody told you to care.

So he's basically saying like,

hey, if it's too expensive for you, don't go to the fucking concert.

But don't

complain about it.

Don't complain about it.

Don't complain about the band.

Like, listen, they've been doing it for 30 years.

Do you know what that means?

Yeah, they deserve all of your money for playing a worse version of all of their songs.

All right.

That type of a guy who's,

I mean, that's a contrarian as well, I think.

That's like a very specific type of guy.

Everyone's complaining about it.

And he comes in.

He's just like, yeah, enough of this, guys.

Like, I'm going to take the other side of this.

They should charge me $1,000 for a back row ticket.

Let's switch gears.

We are going to get to more rants from our guys we got a good one from r slash feet um okay so uh but i wanted to do some reviews on some books of some famous ranters actually and this is a book called dennis miller the rants oh i love miller i love dennis miller and his rant i had the dennis miller doll that i bought on ebay and it broke but it was working for a while and it said like some of the most racist jokes that i ever heard.

It had one in it.

It was like very racist.

And anyways, it was a pretty cool doll that I had in my possession for a while.

Well, this person bought the book and it was a four star out of five.

I don't know how you don't give it five.

You know, this is the man.

I love this review, by the way.

Dennis Miller is a funny guy.

Grading and pompous, to be sure, but lobbing his brand of irreverent humor around to keep his fans amused.

After reading this book, The Rants, I tend to think he's funnier in person than as a writer.

Of course, that's just my opinion.

I could be wrong.

That you will hear a lot because that's how Dennis Miller ends his rants.

That's just my opinion.

I could be wrong.

So in these reviews, you will hear, that's just my opinion.

You will be wrong on pretty much all of them.

That's very cool.

And also, by the way, that's not even just your opinion.

I will go out on a limb here and say that is the objective truth.

That comedy in this way is funnier to hear someone say it versus reading it yourself.

It's always going to be funnier, I think.

The problem I have with this book is the tendency to throw out names that draw a blank with me.

I don't know who some of his foils are.

I get that.

My biggest issue with this is I'm pretty uneducated and don't really know a lot of references to any things that he's talking about.

That's part of it with him, isn't it?

Yeah, like a lot of...

Boutros Gali.

Yeah, he would always do those, like, yeah, he would do those ridiculous names and whatever.

I get the comedic reference when I recognize the name, and the humor is there.

But if I don't know who he's talking about, the joke falls as flat as Barney Fife's abs.

That was a Millerism that he made his own up.

They're doing

jokes.

I never thought of that.

That of course the people who are like buying the Dennis Miller rant book are also in the reviews going to do their own Dennis Miller style jokes.

Wow.

That really is a type of guy.

That's crazy.

And that's not a good one, by the way.

Flatter than Don Knotts Abs?

Barney Fife.

Or Barney Fife.

Sorry.

Is Barney Fife Don Knotts, though?

I think it's one of the five.

You can't.

You got to say Don.

Well, I guess Dennis Miller probably would say say Don Knott.

He would say Don Knotts.

He wouldn't use the character, I don't think, but he would never make it.

That's a really, like, saying they're as flat as his abs.

I don't, like, is that

really bad to have flat abs?

It's not really a roast.

It's not even that good of a roast, and it just doesn't even really work that.

But I guess, hey, that's why he's reading the book and not writing it.

Miller rants on a wide variety of subjects.

43 topics are listed in the content section and almost anything that could be considered controversial.

Fortunately, the chapters are short, or the book would be longer than

Robertson's beards.

Another.

Oh, that's from Duck Diamonds.

This is Brian.

This is painful.

You did say sort instead of short, by the way, but whatever.

We only call it significance now.

But yeah,

the idea of throwing in these

little jokes in the.

It's just fucking genius.

It's beautiful.

But it's an easy read if you don't spend a lot of time trying to figure out who he's talking about a lot of the time.

And funny, it really is.

I particularly enjoy his lists.

What women want from men.

suggestions for moving into the 21st century.

This book was copyrighted in 1996.

Recommendations to save the planet and what men want from women.

Some of the topics are rather dated, but others will be debated forever.

If someone was to sit down and list the things that tick them off, Miller has probably hit on it.

Although Miller can be irreverent in some of his comments, he is surprisingly pragmatic about things like abortion, sexual harassment, gay rights, racial relations, and other topics, seemingly made for snide rejoinders.

So he obviously puts some thought into his views before he applies the skewer.

I enjoyed the book very much.

And that is Skylar T.

Wallace, author of 10 Lizard Tales.

Ah, put their own book.

So that was...

So that's no, so that you know that person is a writer themselves, definitely.

Now they're good, too.

Don't tag it with your own credit.

Yeah, don't, don't lay down.

Don't put your own credits.

Yeah, and especially like.

On an Amazon review, by the way.

This is just an Amazon review.

You need to be like, and by the way, I'm a real doctor.

Like, it's not like, oh, I'm going to take it more seriously because you're an author.

And by the way, you should tell me actually at the beginning of the review that you're a professional writer so then i know to read your words different you know

jim jim p says opinionated and very funny five stars dennis miller miller is a unique voice in american life and commentary independent willing to offend any and all who deserve it frequently obscene and always incredibly funny even though these rants were written a few years ago and his references are somewhat now dated the topics and opinions are as timely as ever that's so great using like four-year-old references and shit.

You're having to do that.

Like, I guess it wasn't as much like that back then as nowadays.

Like, stuff moves so quickly now that we're just like, oh, like Hawktua.

Oh, yeah, the Hawk Tua girl.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I remember.

You know, you're having to do that all the time while you're reading his book.

Okay, so.

There's a famous in kind of the circle I'm in online and stuff like that.

There is a very famous rant.

You probably got to give our buddy Felix a little credit for bringing this up, I think.

I don't know if it was him and me first, but there is a famous Dennis Leary rant about coffee-flavored coffee on one of his old

specials.

We're just going to listen to a second of it, and then I'm going to read the comments on

the coffee-favored coffee thing.

So, just to get an idea of a feel.

So, let me ask you this:

Is it impossible to get a cup of coffee flavored coffee anymore in this country?

What happened with coffee?

Did I miss a fucking meeting with the coffee?

You can get every other flavor except coffee-flavored coffee.

They got moppuccino, they got chocolate, frappuccino, cappuccino, rappuccino, al Puccino.

What the fuck?

Oh!

Al Pacino.

Hoo-wah.

And who wouldn't?

And then Al Pacino did that from Jack and Jill, the

cappuccino commercial, the Duncaccino.

Oh, yeah.

That's funny.

If he updated it, maybe he could.

He got

Duncachino with Al Pacino.

He could update it now for the...

Yeah, that's

okay.

Okay.

This guy.

This is crazy.

First off, listen, I don't know, man.

I don't know.

What year was this?

96.

96?

Yeah, I believe so.

You could get coffee-flavored coffee, I think.

Yeah, I think that's cool.

It would always have a drip coffee.

Like, wherever you go, I think at all of the coffee places they would have just a regular coffee.

But it just sort of goes to show that the rant doesn't have to be true.

It just you just have to have the like passion for it and the emotion.

It just has to have all those like papajino, but you know, and then it just still hits anyways.

I think everyone in the crowd who's listening is like, I just had a coffee the other day.

But I just had one the other day.

I just see where the world's going.

Yeah.

But the larger messaging is true.

We do have too many of these other flavors and stuff.

And it is kind of, yeah, it is kind of like, it's something that a guy like me would definitely make fun of.

I'm going to hit play one more time here for a second and then we'll read some comments.

www.whatthefuck.com.

Oh, Jesus.

That was the early internet days when you could just say www.whatthefuck.com and it gets a huge pom.

I'm going to start saying that.

what the fuck

after you tell it like a joke that's like kind of uh uh like absurd you're like and then i'm like www what the fuck.com www the the idea that he hits like that's his rant and it he didn't make a met he didn't say anything about the internet before right that was just like his little ending way to say like his cool way to say what the fuck right at the end

can we can you back it up and can i hear it again like in context of the last line?

All right, here we go.

Hang on one second.

You just paused it and he's like looking at the camera.

He looks fucking deranged.

Dude, and the little movements, too.

Yeah.

Yeah, his mouth is moving all weird.

Like, he looks like he's...

I mean, he looks, I don't even know what his situation is, but he does, he has the mannerisms of somebody who's on performance enhancers as well, which

I don't know.

Yeah.

The hair

looks nuts to me.

Yeah, the combs, like the bangs and

the sideburns.

You guys got it.

I'm going to make it the picture from the episode, but the hair looks like it's not.

It looks like one piece.

Yeah, and it looks like

it looks like such square per like it doesn't look like why is it combed down like that?

You're going to rant like that with that fucking dumb and dumber haircut?

Like, you got it.

It should be slicked back or some shit.

All right, here we go.

www.whatthefuck.com.

We let him go here, British Barrel.

Oh, oh,

oh.

Here he goes.

I walked into a Starbucks about a year ago.

There's a kid behind the counter.

I go, yeah, give me a regular.

Regular what?

Coffee.

But flavor.

Coffee, flavored.

Coffee.

Wait.

Now he's got his fist up and he's going to hit the kid.

He's going to hit the kid.

But the kid's just doing his job.

And he just means there's different...

Just read the menu, you fucking piece of shit.

Look on the fucking wall on the menu and order off of it, you fucking idiot.

Oh, wait.

And you know he's going to say some shit about the sizes.

Well, here you go.

Well.

I'll stick that menu right up your ass, kid.

What?

Your coffee doesn't need a menu.

It needs a cup.

That's all it needs.

Maybe a saucer underneath the cup.

That's it.

This is the type of person who's like,

who's like, listen, I understand that maybe on some level, it's like not all progress is good.

But this is like the idea that

we got all kinds of different options now.

Yeah.

We got all kinds of different coffees we can drink.

These coffees are tasting better than they used to be tasting.

And he's angry about that.

He wants the old shitty one-choice coffee.

That's all that he wants in his life.

It's a weird kind of guy for sure.

This guy goes, let's try nearly 30 years later, and this rant still slaps.

That's from two months ago.

Two months ago.

Why is that person?

First off,

why are they still saying slaps?

He wants to coffee-flavored coffee.

video i think he's probably a little behind the time yeah he might be a little bit he might be a little bit on the chive the chive calendar perhaps

uh dennis leary for secretary of State.

I mean,

yeah, that's funny, except for he fucking could, he could get the job.

You know what I mean?

It's not even that crazy to think that they got that guy, that wild Kennedy guy is doing, you know, I mean,

that guy picked up a whale carcass, took it to his house.

He dropped off a bear at Dead Bear in Central Park.

Like,

he's a real fucked up guy.

I will say that Dennis Leary is a lib.

And that's aside from the vaccines I was going to say.

Yeah, Dennis Leary's a lib.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, very much.

So oh, okay.

So maybe, maybe not.

He's from Boston.

Like that whole thing.

People are just libs there.

Anyway, this person goes, so true.

Today it's all about giving coffee a different name so you can charge $8 a cup.

WTF.com.

Yeah.

I can't walk into this.

Well, that's

Mark Maron's podcast.

What to say?

I can't walk into any coffee shop without laughing.

That's nice.

That's nice.

That's true.

You're insane.

It's good to have a laugh.

So you know, if you're like bummed out, having a bad day or whatever,

there's always a coffee shop around.

This guy goes, I don't even know.

You're that guy you walk into a coffee shop.

You're like,

they're like, what?

And you're like, oh, you call a medium something different.

Wait, you just

allowed people stopped working.

What does this coffee look like?

Where's the flavor that says coffee?

Everybody stops and like people are like, is everything, do you need help with something?

Oh no, I was just noting all the different kinds of coffee, and it's like

so.

This comes up later in the clip, but I'm gonna read this comment anyway because it's funny with you guys not having context.

This person goes, I don't even drink coffee, and this makes me

laugh my ass off.

And pull up your pants.

Okay, you gotta pull up your pants.

It isn't even dunking doughnuts anymore, just dunking.

This guy says

They still have the doughnuts.

Here's a coffee guy.

Coffee is awesome.

I love it regular, but also all the other tasty versions of it.

Not really.

It's so awesome.

And I did get some reviews from Amazon of that special.

So

we'll give you a little bit of that.

Raving Leary.

This DVD doesn't need a review.

If you've seen Dennis' shows Locked and Loaded and No Cure for Cancer and love them, like you should, you'll know you have to get this DVD.

140 minutes of raving Leary will get the adrenaline flowing.

Whoa, chill, Dennis.

Hey, Dennis, chill.

That's too long, Dennis.

140 minutes.

That's two hours, two hours, 20.

That's a that is

that is an insane length of a first add dub show.

I mean, a normal special is going to be 60, maybe 90 minutes, maybe.

Trust me.

In fact, there ought to be some kind of health warning on the box to prevent overexposure.

After all, we don't want people going around shouting, pull up your pants and give me coffee-flavored coffee, do we?

Or do we?

I find only one fault with this DVD, and that it's that there are no subtitles.

Granted, you have to be pretty deaf not to hear what he's saying, but some people are.

And if you're a non-native speaker of English, you may have trouble too.

Now go on and order it, you silly twats.

Oh, hey.

You'd have to be deaf, but some people are.

Listen.

You'd have to be fucking deaf to not hear it.

Yeah.

I mean.

This is why it's so great you're here, Maddie.

This review is, you're going to love this.

Oh, I can't wait.

It's a five-star.

Funny back then and still funny now.

I thought this was hilarious when I first heard the CD back in the early 90s.

Loved it so much I bought the VHS tape and loved that as well.

Fast forward 15 years just bought the dvd and still love it listen all comedians steal material just a fact of life in the business yeah very little original material now the late 90s and early 2000 used up all the shock material No, it's true.

All of the good jokes, you know,

about pussy squirting and everything, just all of the good material was all taken in the 90s and 2000s.

And now nothing's really going on

in new.

And so it is kind of hard to get around to any of the good stuff.

I love the line, all comedians steal material.

That's fucking crazy.

It's beautiful.

I used to steal material a lot.

I used to,

it would be like, and only in like

certain situations, so only in like extenuating circumstances, if I like saw a comedian's joke and I thought, well, this person is not going to be headlining.

And I like this joke a lot.

Then I would take the joke and I'd go out on the road with it and I would monetize it.

I had somebody steal, I've said this many times.

I had somebody steal a joke of mine when I did stand-up and then just said that

she was really mean about it.

I was like a newer comic and she was, she was like more established than I was.

And she was just like, she literally said to me, oh, I'm just going to get it on TV first.

She said that to me.

Can you imagine?

Yeah, it was a really, it was really wild.

Yeah, she didn't, she didn't get on, she ended up getting on TV first, unfortunately.

But yeah, it was, it was like a real, like for me, I was like, oh, so you're like,

you're kind of a bad, you don't really care.

You're really, you just want to be famous or whatever.

You don't really care about even writing or making material.

It was, yeah, it was shit.

It does happen a lot, definitely.

But it also, there is a lot of parallel thought to defend this poster a little bit.

There is with a thousand million comedians doing a lot of them having a similar upbringing and a similar you know uh reference points and stuff there is a lot of parallel thought that happens nowadays it goes same reason there are so many movie remakes there's very little

original material anymore this guy thinks that's ran out because stuff the world is still happening i know we're out everything we've used it all unfortunately But new things are happening.

The new things are the same as the old thing.

Yeah, in some circumstances, but I think there are definitely new things.

I mean, hey, you hear about this artificial intelligence

and for crying out loud.

Has anyone turned on the radio lately?

There's nothing original there either, but you have to admit, some remakes are better than the original.

There was never any we cover radio a lot on this.

That's like our beat.

Yeah, we do like a shock jock.

We have a thing called Shocktober.

And so I can say for sure, there was never anything original on radio.

It is famously unoriginal they would have actual services where they would get the same material and just play it across every radio station and do the same bits like the war of the roses is the famous one and yeah so it's like famously not original and never has been if you like dennis leary's style timing and delivery then you'll love no cure for cancer great all performance yeah if

you like cure for cancer Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that was his.

And a lot of it's about smoking, where he's like a proud smoker.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, he's like, through the whole thing, he's going

with cigarettes and stuff.

And he's doing it like really, like,

like, really like Andrew Dice Clay almost.

I think he might have stolen that part from Dice Clay.

He stole a lot of his stuff, I think, from other people.

By all accounts, like his whole shit, not just his jokes, but a lot of his whole shit was just kind of pieced together from other comics.

And finally, he says, if you want to stay loyal to the arts and if you have the time, go ahead and listen to Bill Hicks instead.

No need to get all pithy over it.

Yeah,

that's who he stole his kind of shit, you know, like his whole kind of persona from.

On R slash feet.

Bill Feet?

Yeah, feet.

I need to warn you.

I haven't heard this post, but we did Feet Guys, and it was easily our most

hated episode.

People were so disgusted by Feet Guys.

No, Fart Guys was our

fart guys might have taken over.

Fart guys was pretty

the fartologist disgusted a lot of people.

But yeah, we found that feet guys were more disgusting than sex guys.

So here's some pictures of feet for you.

Okay, we don't,

as a non-foot guy.

Well,

why do some women insist on wearing shoes like this?

Bit of a rant.

And then he says, Diane Agron, and he shows those pictures I showed you of her feet.

And then Christina Hendrix is even worse.

in those feet.

I hate where this is going.

I think I know where it's going, and I hate it.

It's a shame because they're both very attractive ladies, but they wear such tight-fitting shoes that their feet eventually get messed up.

I suppose that most guys wouldn't care as such a minor detail, which amazes me how people freaked out over Megan Fox's toe thumbs, which are probably as minor as they get.

But you'd think that if the shoes are so tight that they deform your feet, then you should find another pair to wear that's more comfortable.

So this guy just.

So

I do agree that I think if you're wearing a shoe that, and Maddie, you would know better than us probably on this, wearing like a high heel type shoe or one of those constraining kind of shoes.

If it's actually doing damage to your feet, which I don't know that there are shoes to yeah, he's built in really fast to that it's like footbinding or something.

Like, yeah,

you know what I mean?

They hurt, but they're not like,

I think you have to wear them a lot for them to like, yeah, I see.

They're just looking, they're looking at one picture, and the foot probably looks strange because it's in a shoe that.

I didn't even think the feet looked strange.

I guess I don't know what a bad foot is.

Yeah, I think

being non-foot guys, I think it's hard for us because we just look at the normal amount of feet.

And when we do see them, we just kind of glance at them.

We're not examining them.

So it did look pretty normal to me.

It definitely, it feels like this guy is sort of presenting it like, I'm concerned about her feet for her her own physical, but in reality, it's all about his sick desires or whatever.

He wants to see the feet a certain way.

This is from circumcision grief, r/slash circumcision grief.

It says, masturbation, rant slash advice.

Does anyone else feel like it takes forever to get any pleasure when masturbating?

I can't.

No.

I constantly do horny.

Pretty easy.

I'm like good at it.

Yeah, I've perfected it at this point.

I'm like, no, I definitely am like, yeah.

I'm not even being gross.

I'm saying that it's a one-minute thing when you get this age.

Okay, well, now you are being a little bit gross.

And I did want to say, Maddie, I do.

Obviously,

it's not this kind of podcast and 100%.

It's going to be this kind of podcast.

Bonus episodes are.

It's 100% this kind of podcast.

I realized it was going to be when Brian said to me, Brian's like, oh, what I did was I got a bunch of rants from people that we've covered before.

And I was like, oh, no.

Because I knew there was going to be some of the nasty freaks in here.

No, let's get nasty, dude.

Let's move to this.

Actually, I'm not, I'm, I found a Toastmasters rant.

Now,

not only did I find a Toastmasters rant, I'm doing the fucking audio of the shit.

Oh, hell yeah.

So we've got a little audio.

Do you know Toastmasters, Maddie?

No, wait, this is separate from the masturbation guy.

Yeah, the masturbation guy is, well, he might be involved in Toastmasters, but it wouldn't.

Yeah, it would be a completely different thing.

Toastmasters is for diction and public speaking.

It's like

they wouldn't say like.

Yeah, like a toast mat.

Exactly.

So it's like learning how to, it's for business people who have trouble speaking at a meeting or

having those conversations with people or whatever.

So it just, it's getting the uhs and ums out of there and speaking very quickly.

It's psychotic.

It's bizarre shit because it's like stand-up comedy without the jokes kind of and they're trying to speak perfectly in this like, it's, it's really, really strange.

Wow.

And we're just going to watch a little bit of this, and then we got one more I want to show you guys.

And these are non-professional rants.

How many views is it?

50 views.

Eight years ago.

Thank you, Eric.

How dare you?

You are personally responsible for ruining the world by refusing to do this one simple thing.

Sure, you may have good reasons, like lack of time, lack of money, maybe,

lack of interest.

So, this is a this is a Toastmasters thing where it's like what you have to do first is you have to have a big statement that nobody knows what you're talking about, so that when you reveal what you're talking about, people are like, oh, oh my God, I agree with that, you know?

Yeah, hush over the crowd.

Oh, the crowd.

You hear them all like recognition.

And the angle of the camera here is bizarre.

Always, that's the Toastmasters angle.

It's really low and pointed up into the corner of this meeting room or office room or whatever.

And

he's not standing behind the podium, but let me tell you, he should be because he's reading off of something on the podium.

So he keeps glancing over to it in a really exaggerated way.

Just stand above the podium where the thing is.

I think he thought he was going to be able to do it.

without, you know, he's doing the hand thing.

He's doing that.

Oh, yeah, the hand thing, the hands class, Mr.

Burns style or whatever yeah he's doing that thing which is a big toastmasters and again maddie this is

this is like guys that work in an office trying to learn how to talk in front of a room right and and what they do is they they they'll say like don't say uh don't say um they'll they'll mark you off for those so what in my opinion what they do is they take people that are very obviously nervous to stand in front of a room of people and talk and just make them more nervous is is the job.

It seems like they're not getting rid of the ums and ands.

They're just having weird silent pauses where those would be, which is more strange.

Yes.

And you go on stage.

You go on stage all the time and talk and like nobody cares about that shit.

No, it's actually

generally good advice, I think, to talk like a normal person.

Yeah, if you're doing it like

all the time too much, it could be distracting maybe, but yeah, exactly.

People say that in their speech, so it's good to speak that way.

If you're speaking like, hello, everybody, welcome to my show.

I am very happy to be here.

And let me tell you something that I have noticed about a certain subject matter.

Yeah, it sounds rehearsed and yeah, you're addressing the symptoms, not the cause.

They're like, don't say um.

And it's like, no, no, you need to get him to not be nervous.

Now it's nervous and he has nowhere for that energy to go, but like his eyes.

It's terrifying.

Here he goes.

but i consider it a personal affront to my millennial dignity that you are not going out sunday driving right now the establishment is telling us to do more important things like air quote watch the debates listen to pop music eat organic food

eat organic food and he did a big like pop with his hands and it this is

people going out on Sunday driving.

Yeah.

So it's really just like driving in your car on a Sunday?

Yeah, he's saying people don't do that as much anymore.

I guess people, back in the day when there was like nothing you would ever do, you would go out, like as a family, go out for a Sunday drive and just go out driving around, maybe get some food, but you just go out for a Sunday drive.

And he's ranting against that about how it doesn't happen anymore.

And use less gas because we are ruining the planet.

I say that's hogwash and balder dash.

The cool kids use words like that today, right?

Oh, good joke.

I'll give you three good reasons why you should go Sunday driving that have nothing to do with religion, politics, or sports.

Oh, thank God.

Thank God.

This next line is good.

Because I'm told that those are scary subjects for most people.

Oh, are you fucking scared to talk about sports?

I'm pretty scared to talk about sports.

Well, when we talk about sports, yeah.

I mean, I think in some houses it can get pretty heated around sports conversation.

You know, college sports and stuff like that, Brian, the Ohio State.

Sports?

Oh, we love the Ohio State University here.

Maddie, where's your

wash and boulder dash?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The whole wash and boulder dash is fun.

Yeah, yeah.

Where did you

grow up, Maddie?

Where's your hometown?

North Carolina.

So right by like UNC, actually, like the Tar Heels.

And their rivalry with Duke is huge.

My family is not really a sports family at all, but my best friend, her dad,

like worked in sports at UNC.

So I would go with them to games and stuff.

So like I was tangential to it.

I've seen people get heated.

And that's and that UNC is obviously a huge program.

By the way, their rivalry with Duke, not going so well.

Duke, number one team in the country.

They're in the final four.

By the time this has happened, they've played and potentially won the national championship.

I call him Dukey.

So that's just my joke.

One more unpause, and then we're going to go to our last rant.

I think you guys are going to really like.

Reason number one:

watching TV is not going to make you happier.

Trust me, I'm an expert.

Oh.

Being as I don't own a TV.

All right, Shady.

This guy doing the full-on Sean from Hollywood handbook thing, but seriously, like, I don't own a TV, actually.

This is

being as how I don't own a TV.

Yeah, I watch my shows on my phone.

You think the 25,000th presidential debate is going to teach you anything new about the presidential candidate?

That's true.

This is something that you didn't learn the other 24,999.

You think that your hope for quality script writing is going to be restored by this week's episode of Madam Secretary?

You think that your team is going to win

a school or whatever it is.

There's a lot of great television programs being put out.

There's a lot of bad ones, but there's a lot of really good ones as well.

And

you just got to go out there and find them.

Trust me, Reacher, everyone.

Oh, yeah, great show.

Well scripted.

They're where they're competing for these days.

Just because you paint your chest

and eat Cheetos and yell at the television, well, I got to tell you,

you're not going to learn anything new.

Your hope is not going to be restored.

And your team's still probably going to be losing, going to be losing.

And let's be honest here.

Get him out of here.

Get out.

He's out.

Get out.

You're failing.

Get a big hook out.

Fucking yank this guy.

Also, when he raised his arm, this guy's got the sweatiest pits.

He had the sweatiest pits I ever seen.

Dark, dark fucking sweat in there.

Ooh.

All right, right, here we go.

This is our last rant.

This is called Hilarious Teacher Rant on School Fundraisers.

It's a little two-minute rant.

This guy's really going off, though.

You guys are going to love it.

He really...

This is going to be it.

This is such a Chris.

He'll love this.

Here we go.

Same shirt, by the way.

Yeah, basically they all wear.

Yeah, that's the Toastmasters shirt.

Really?

Well, I mean, it is, because this guy's a Toastmaster, too.

Oh, my God.

Same angle, too, kind of.

That's the toast.

We call that the Toastmasters angle.

T.A.

Hey, guys, got a quick question for you.

Hey, where did all the good fundraisers go?

Kids, stop hitting up your teachers to buy cookie dough.

Toll house does not mean you take us to the toll house.

Oh, hang on.

That was a little Miller-esque.

Yeah, toll house doesn't mean you take us to the toll house.

That was wild.

I hope he's got some other ones for some of that.

Oh, he's got some great jokes.

Miller's for banana bread.

For $16, I could buy a banana farm.

When do we go from bake sales to bake it yourself sale?

Next year, they're just going to be selling eggs and flour.

Look, the only way...

They would make a lot of money on that nowadays, you know, with the egg prices.

Egg prices, yeah.

With those egg prices, that would be like a huge money.

You'd have to take out a fucking loan.

Not here, just in Canada.

In America, you would.

I'm gonna fund chorus by buying 20 pounds of peanut brittle.

Is if they promised to sing at my funeral when I die of type 2 diabetes, you know, whatever happened to the useful fundraisers, you know, the things where we sold wrapping paper and gifts.

I just don't think Santa's getting any letters asking for 37 pretzel hot dogs.

Kids used to bring their teachers food, now they're invoicing me on PayPal.

Oh, shit!

Now the kids are going to send me a freaking LinkedIn request for a PayPal.

Yeah,

this guy went full old guy mode.

Yeah, yeah, he keeps going too.

And so, like, hey, we're raising money for a trip to London.

Have you ever been?

No, no, I haven't.

I spent all my money stockpiling Snickerdoodle dope.

And even if I wanted to go, it cost me twice as much because I'd need an extra seat for my thighs that you've given me from all this cookie.

That was a good joke.

That was a super well-constructed joke there.

It's like one of the jokes I do on here where it takes too long to get to it and it doesn't really even deliver at the end.

I love a too long joke.

I think I love a too long setup and a bad punchline.

Too much.

We still do the world's finest chocolate fundraiser.

Hey, why did the bar shrink to half the size, but the cost stayed the same?

Why should I buy a half a CRISPR bar from you for a dollar when I can buy a king-size Snickers bar?

Brother, if he says for a dollar, I gotta tell you, this guy's full of shit.

I know how much a king-size candy bar is.

From a kid in second period selling the EB treats out of his backpack.

I'm not paying $30 for the same coupons that I throw out when I check my mail.

Only a dollar for a gourmet blow pop.

The only real sucker sucker here is me.

Gourmet lollipops.

Just because it's flavored a little different doesn't make it gourmet.

Okay, relax.

He's going off on the fucking gourmet.

It's not two words, but yeah, I get what he's doing there.

There's also something.

There's something so funny about being this angry, but clearly speaking at a low enough volume because there's like someone in the room next to you.

Yeah,

he's working in his

office.

There's another teacher there or something or like yeah people can hear him through the walls and he's a little bit embarrassed about what he's doing and he didn't write this that's all this is devastating yeah

he's emblem oh my geo tracker it doesn't make it luxury let's be real the only useful fundraiser is the candle one because teachers use the candles yeah we kind of need them when they shut off our electricity after we spent two weeks pay on a tub of peanut butter balls kids i'm broke i'm a teacher listen do what we did when we were growing up.

Make your parents pay for it.

Okay, so I like that.

In the end,

he worked out.

But in the end,

it turns out, listen, he's just like,

I don't got the money to buy it.

Which is, that is the whole.

That's fair, though.

It's like, yeah, you don't have to, but you just, I will say this.

I think

unless these kids have some sort of like, if they have something to blackmail you with or something to hold over your head, I think it's as simple as just saying that you don't want to buy it.

Let's close it out with the master.

The last bastion of coffee, flavored cookie, it's gone.

Forget about it.

You're walking there now.

There's people wearing berets.

They're writing poetry on computers.

There's a kid behind the counter.

Would you like a cafe cool?

How the fuck?

No.

www.blowme.com.

Whoa.

Whoa.

I don't want that suck on my dick, kid.

I don't want that at all.

What is is this guy's deal?

This WWW dot, I hope that he does that like a hundred times in his special.

Coffee color.

What the hell is that about?

Man, when I was a kid, dunking donuts had two things, coffee and donuts, and that was it.

That was it.

You took the donut, you dunked it in the coffee, thus the fucking title of the place.

Audience is just dunking donuts.

That's all they had.

Donuts and coffee, nothing else.

They had no wice, no napkins, no soda, no salt, no pepper, no pot pay, no croissant, nothing.

Walk in there now, there's soup flying around.

People are eating finger sandwiches.

Look at the donuts on display in a case, like relics from a former era, you know.

Here's what we used to serve.

We used to fry them up and sell them by the dozen back in the 70s.

Wait, can you pause it?

He's under the impression that because the donuts are behind those clear plastic thing that he's no longer able to buy them.

He's just going in there and being like, fuck.

When are you guys going to fucking put these somewhere where we can get it?

When you guys need to get these up on the counter so we can fucking get a hold of one of them.

I mean,

I keep grabbing at them.

My hand hits the plastic thing.

I can't see it.

It doesn't look like there's a thing there.

This is a good line here, and then this will end the show.

God almighty.

You can't smoke in any of these coffee places.

You can't smoke in Starbucks, can't smoke in Joe Bar, can't smoke at Dungun.

I'm pretty sure that coffee was invented by guys who were sitting around smoking anyways.

I just wanted to drink something that would let him stay up late and smoke fucking more.

Wait, wait, wait.

That's not a good point.

That's not a good point at all.

Just because they were, they smoked because when they made it?

Dennis Leary has been proven so.

I mean, it was like, I think six months after this special came out, the entire world was like, Yeah, we're not gonna smoke inside anymore.

Smoke coffee in coffee shops and stuff.

And everyone's like, even smokers are like, Yeah, fair enough.

Yeah, nobody's ever.

No, well, I was fucking hot under the collar about it.

Yeah, no, I was I was a bit pissed off.

I was like a teenager when they outlawed it, and I it was bummed.

I just got into smoking, and I was like, it would have been cool.

I got to smoke at the at Laughlin's Comedy Club when it after after the you know after the final show and it was a great experience smoking inside but also you understand

it changes the entire dynamic of the place you're at you take it over when you're smoking inside a place like that it's weird when you go to vegas it's like such a fucking

asthma or something you're like i just can't be a person i guess i have to go to a casino i can't yeah yeah i smoked on stage

in Las Vegas.

Oh, man.

Hey, Brian.

It was so cool, man.

Yeah, Brian, that's so fucking cool, dude.

That is like, you're such a cool badass dude.

Was performing in front of fucking eight paid.

Eight paid

eight paid.

And a guy that wanted to kill me for saying the rat pack sucks.

That?

Yeah.

Well, that guy wasn't paid either, by the way.

He was just sitting at the bar when we got there.

So he didn't have to pay to get in.

There were two guys standing next to a pool table having a conversation that was louder than our microphones.

It was

the worst experience I've ever had on stage in my entire life.

Especially after you go on tour with like, at the time, the podcast was pretty big.

So most places we went, you know, there are people there.

And then you go to this place, there's eight people, but...

You got to smoke on stage, which I thought was the coolest thing in the fucking world.

Yeah, I'm guessing.

Maybe, yeah, maybe there's a whole bunch of people who wanted to come watch you, but didn't want to sit inside a big smoky room, perhaps.

That might have had something to do with it, bro.

I don't think so.

I think in Vegas, you just.

And yeah, nobody, no, I mean, the idea of going to Vegas to do a show is just a bit wild, I think.

It's stupid.

It's

as dumb as it gets doing a live podcast in Las Vegas.

But I wanted to go to a wrestling show.

Ah.

All right.

Well, that is Rant, guys.

Next week,

psychedelic, guys.

Oh, shall we hit Arrowhead again, I'm guessing, eh?

Oh, yeah, we are.

And Maddie, do you have anything you would like to plug?

Oh,

I have a podcast called Phone is in the Bag with my friend Kenyon.

It's much less structured and it's less impressive.

Well, let me tell you.

This show is not that.

Like, I did a show without like

here.

The reason this show is what it is, one of them, is because I did a show that didn't have like a

thing and I couldn't archive it.

It drove me insane.

So I wanted to be able to archive this show and be able to search through it.

Yeah, that's why he made up the concept of it.

Say the name again.

I just want to make sure that you.

Oh, it's called Phone is in the Bag.

And then I'm on Instagram at Matted T.

Weiner and I've got tour dates up right now.

The link is in my bio.

I have like a mailing list and all that.

If you want to come see me, do stand-up.

Stand-up comedy, stand-up comedy.

Yep.

We like that.

Little rant style.

Please do some rants.

Get up there and just say,

listen, can we stop giving it up for the weight staff, please?

They're doing their jobs.

Don't you imagine?

You go on a rant to get the service staff.

I mean, I bet you money

that I would bet you that there are so many comedians doing tip rants.

You know what I mean?

About how tipping is out of control.

You know,

I do know.

Oh, man.

The tip your weight staff.

Hey, some of the awful, awful lines that you'd hear from awful old road comics when they're like, tip your weight staff.

Hey, I know, hey, this one's got six kids at home, you know, like saying shit like that.

Like, they're just like, it's so embarrassed in the crowd.

Like, I just am trying to do a job here.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, we'll see you all next week with psychedelic guys with Dead Blossom Jesse.

We love you.

Goodbye.

Thanks for having me.

Sweet.