Guys: Episode 99 - Christmas "Guys" 2024 with Branson

Welcome to Guys, a podcast about guys.

I expected that to go on a lot longer.

That was the big thing that you sort of had to make.

Okay, you got a few other ones on the soundboard.

Don't use them all right in the beginning.

You want to sort of pause.

You want to sort of, you know what I mean?

If you just pause.

Now everyone's heard them.

All right.

What are you waiting for, Christmas?

So you just looked up Christmas sound.

And with me is Krampus himself, Chris James.

Hi, Chris.

Yeah, Krampus.

I don't know.

i don't remember which one oh

that's like one of the uh that's like the bad guy the bad version he kidnaps people in their sleep i think oh okay so hey hopefully you're into in real life oh yeah says the guy who was supposed to guard the doors at chuck e.

Cheese and make sure kids weren't getting kidnapped and yet would be constantly not paying attention.

Well, he's playing a basketball game.

We got to get our guests on a show.

We have from the E1 podcast, we got Branson.

Hi, Branson.

What up?

Happy to be here with the two-headed snake.

That's what we're calling ourselves now.

I've heard a lot of people call you guys that.

And I said, hey, I'm going on the guys podcast.

He said, you're going to go face to face with the two-headed snake.

So we made the mistake of, I guess Brian said that sort of, I mean, Brian said that, not really.

That's not a mistake.

He wasn't paying attention.

He was doing the thing where he was sort of like reading and he sort of was saying something brainlessly.

And he's like, oh, yeah, that's what they call us, the two-headed snake, because Branson said he was looking at a photo of one.

And now.

that's not what happened at all.

That's not what's going to become at all.

So I very naturally in the world heard people refer to you guys as the two-headed snake.

Yep.

That's what happened.

I'm not going to come on here and just start lying

to your fans.

I respect your fans too much.

Wow.

All right.

It's a really hard thing to laugh so hard.

Wow, because we're here for the Christmas guys episode, which is a little different from a regular guys episode because

we look at how our guys celebrate Christmas.

I'm going to start with a little bit of Chives, some of the Chive.

How does the Chive celebrate Christmas?

Branson, what do you, are you, when was the last time you went to the website, The Chive, to have a laugh?

I have not gone to The Chive in a bit, but about once every six months, I check in on Fark.com and I see how those guys are doing.

And, you know, I feel like Fark was kind of the proto-Chive.

I think the guys on Fark look down on the Chivers.

So

did Fark come first?

Yes.

Okay, so FARC, you're saying so.

Drew Curtis's.

Let me clarify DrewCurtis's Fark.com,

not any of the other FARKs.

Thank you for clarifying.

And you're saying that basically the Chive people are people who maybe couldn't cut the mustard at Fark.com.

Well, I'm just, this is what Bran said saying.

And that now that people at Fark.com are kind of like, oh, yeah, you couldn't make it here.

You're like a lesser minor leagues kind of thing.

I'm sure that the guys from FARC think that the guys from Chive couldn't cut it there, and the guys from Chive think that the guys from FARC couldn't cut it there.

Okay, so it's a rise.

Well, I wouldn't say it's a, well, you know,

I'm going to push.

Let's push.

I'm going to push on that question.

Okay.

So this is from November 25th, 2024 by Zach.

He wrote a good article that is going to be really helpful for people who are getting in a Christmas spirit this Christmas Eve because I think this comes out on Christmas Eve.

Criminally underrated Christmas movies that deserve better.

Okay, good.

Yeah, because we've all got the ones we watch every Christmas, but Branson, what are yours?

I mean, I'm going with Christmas story, obviously, when he gets his tongue stuck.

Yeah.

Because he's sucking someone off.

I'm going to go with the...

God, what was the name?

It's Last Christmas.

My wife makes me watch it.

it's got uh uh uh uh god damn it i'm looking it up now and apparently it's not called last christmas is it this christmas hmm so this is one of your favorites yes yeah chris brown's in it and chris brown and my wife likes it and she makes me watch this christmas every year it's got idris elba in it it's a great

it's a great like oh and he's like a i'm like a rough around the edges jazz musician that gets beat up and my family has to come save me and then it's got every cliche like the older sister whose husband is cheating on her.

But guess what?

They all come together at Christmas and do the right thing.

And the guy that's cheating gets his, his car gets drove into the river.

Idris Elba gets beat up, but the nice stepdad pays it off.

And now he's welcome to the family because he saved Idris Elba.

Do you ruining the whole movie?

It's fine.

But you're watching it as sort of like a dutiful kind of thing.

Oh, 100%.

percent.

Very dutiful.

I'm watching it.

I'm not looking at my phone.

I'm staying.

The dutiful abides.

The dutiful abides.

But like, what kind of people are watching Christmas movies and going, like, fuck yeah.

This is oh, yeah.

Nobody.

I big time.

I don't watch them at all.

I'm like, you guys can watch that shit without me.

You know, and they watch the shit without me.

I do something else.

What do you do?

What do you, what would you be doing?

What kind of cool stuff are you doing?

Yeah, what kind of cool shit are you up to while they're watching?

I'll be in my garage.

Oh, I think you know what kind of cool shit I'm up to.

Does it have anything to do with that Lego town behind you there?

Everything to do with that.

Everything to do with that, yes.

You listen to podcasts and do Legos?

That's pretty cool.

I think people might be interested in this at the end of the year here.

What podcasts are you listening to, Brian?

Let's get a list of Brian.

I mean,

this is one head of the two-headed snake of podcasting.

Let's see what he is into.

Guys, a podcast about

Guys Plus.

I edit the show and I've never listened to it.

Somebody told me once you should listen to it and take notes of your own podcast.

I'd rather fucking die.

Did someone really tell you that?

Yeah.

Were they doing a joke of some kind?

Well, they were saying, well, a lot of stand-up comics record their own set and then they'll record it and do that.

And I'm like, I'm not, it's an hour long.

They'd go for five fucking minutes.

It's easy to do that shit.

Yeah, and you're, and, and the purpose of doing that as a stand-up comedian, I'm not allowed to mention, but some people would have experience of this, is that you do that because you're going to repeat the same jokes over and over again.

So you want to like see if you could do something better or what part the crowd.

I never did it.

I hated it.

Or some people never did it.

But yeah, in podcasting, you're not going to repeat the same like stories that you are.

Well, that's true.

If you're on the guys podcast and your name's Chris, then you will repeat the same shit over and over again to the point where people get extremely mad.

I've had to explain eating coins and sand on about four different podcasts.

I don't know why.

It comes up every time I'm a guest.

I wonder if I'm not sure.

Well, here's what I listen to.

It's mostly wrestling podcasts, so it's not interesting.

So here's the article.

I'm about to be real honest.

Some of y'all out there are basic as fuck when it comes to watching holiday movies.

Fuck.

Just low effort, no depth.

Miracle on 34th Street, watching ass.

Get up.

Remove that Christmas.

I would like to report this.

I see myself in this post.

I would like to report this, please.

Oh, no.

Remove that Christmas with the Cranks DVD from the console and broaden your horizons a bit.

I've decided to put an end to the slander once and for all.

Here are five of the most underrated Christmas movies of all time.

Only five.

First one, Vince Vaughan and Reese Witherspoon's Four Christmases.

Never heard of that.

Oh, bold suggestion to say it's underrated.

Do you think it's rated fairly?

The sequel, Five Christmases, was better.

I only like like one Christmas because I love Jesus.

One Christmas.

That's a good movie.

It's real short.

Put some respect on Vince Vaughan's name.

What's that?

You don't like Vince Vaughan?

Fine then.

Stay for the star-studded ensemble, including Dwight Yoakum, Reese Witherspoon, Kristen Chenoweth, Robert Duvall, Jon Favreau, Tim McGraw, John Voigt, Mary Steenbergen, and Sissy Spakesick.

Just the name of

Spake Sick.

Sissy Spakes.

Sissy SpaceX.

The writing alone should put this movie at the top of the Christmas comedy list.

The casting is phenomenal, and the film perfectly encapsulates what it's like spending the holidays with each and every member of your family.

Rotten Tomatoes can go kick rocks with their 25% rating.

Oh, my God.

That's an extremely low rating for a film with that type of a star power, you know?

Just another reason to take their scores with an entire block of salt to the face.

Oh, that's a funny thing.

Yeah, no, well, but listen.

You can totally, I'm not going to say it again, but you can totally,

the critics, that's accurate.

It's the audience score you got to worry about.

But this is an older film.

That's also a true one.

So

it has an accurate audience score because this is from 2008.

And the audience score is also below 50%.

So it's also rotten.

It's 47% audience as well.

He loves her.

She loves him.

Not.

We're now looking at Just Friends starring Ryan Reynolds and Amy Spart with Anna Ferris and Chris Klein in it.

This is presumably a straight man, right?

This is, yeah.

He's hitting us over.

He's going all rom-coms on his underrated Christmas ones.

Oh, oh, I think he's saving some good ones for the end.

Oh, don't worry, Branson.

He's got a couple for daddy.

He's got a couple for daddy at the end.

Don't worry.

I remember this one.

This is the one where Ryan Reynolds is in a fat suit.

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's a good movie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is one where Ryan Reynolds is in a fat suit.

I remember this one.

And he's like, but he's still underneath the fat suit, he's still got that quirky smile that we've all grown to love.

And so he still is kind of, he's got leading man qualities in spite.

Here's what, here's what Zach has to say.

Anyone who tells you the friend zone isn't real has never seen this movie.

Here we go.

Yeah.

People are always telling me that as well.

I'm always talking about the friend zone to people.

I mean, I'm obviously, I mean, I'm married and I have a child, but

even though I'm married, I'm very, my friends that are single often talk about the friend zone, and I think more needs to be said about it.

I think, honestly, well, and some of them are trying to tell me it doesn't exist, and it's like,

that can't be accurate.

It has to exist.

How have I been hearing so much about it if it doesn't exist?

Brian, I'll say this.

Of course, you've been married for a very long time.

I'm in the friend zone.

Do you think you ever found yourself in the friend zone when you were younger?

I think I found myself in the too chicken shit to ask a girl out zone when i got anything you think that in your mind had you just done it that would have been it was a for sure yes well you saw the pictures of me you were you were a handsome guy but it was pre- if you're if we're talking like you were

talking Queber doesn't matter what you look like Queber era you were you were handsome and I you know like when you were a kid before you hit Queber era you were like a cute kid probably like you know you but you I feel like the stories that I hear about you, it sort of makes it seem like maybe

you weren't like as desirable due to the three-hour boob sucking.

And I just mean, who would want, who would want to, like, people are going to be worried about that idea.

Who knew about that?

Brian, Brian, you think that?

He sucked on boobs for three hours?

Yeah, that's what he used to do all the time, Branson.

And do you think the girl that he you did that to, Brian, you think she didn't tell her friends about the time when

Queeber came over and refused to do anything except sucker moves for three hours.

I'm sure she told that story.

It's like the whole Godfather movie.

Exactly what we were talking when I think I said Titania.

It was so long.

Yeah.

I'll say this.

I never pictured her having friends until just now, other than me.

Oh, I see.

I never thought of that.

Is that what the friends are?

You never pictured the fact that she would need to share that with somebody, that this bizarre thing.

thing.

She'd have to tell her doctor why they're all hurting all

three damn hours.

Come on, man.

Chris keeps up in the time.

I think it was like 90 minutes or so.

I believe we can pull the tapes on it.

I think you said three hours, but well, it probably was three hours over the day.

You know what I mean?

Like, we'd skip school.

We'd go to school.

It doesn't make it better.

You're just

all right.

Getting back in for hour three.

Getting back in.

All right, let's get to the stairwell.

I got a good 30 minutes.

The worst part about it, really, and I hate talking about it.

It was the milk mustache.

The worst part about it was the thing where I had seen pornography.

Oh, congrats.

And like softcore pornography.

So I knew that like...

In softcore porn, you would kiss down the woman's stomach.

And then I didn't know what came after that.

So I would just do that and then go right back up to the titties like i wouldn't even get all the way down there i would get to like the underwear line and then turn around and go back up

you'd be like i guess it's the road's closed or whatever i guess i gotta find i guess yeah i did that i did that to multiple women which that that part i feel guilty about

Talking about the guilt he feels of like his sexual encounters with women, but it's because he didn't go down on them

or do anything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I hear it.

Anyone who tells you the friends

at that age, you're not knowing what you're doing.

Even if you would do the right thing, you'd fuck it up.

It doesn't matter what you do.

Everybody's just goofing off.

I agree.

It was just horseplay.

It's a lot of goofing off.

With Ryan Reynolds, Amy Smart, and Ana Ferris at the helm, this should be one of the heaviest hitting Christmas films for some reason.

It just gets no love.

And aside from Scary Movie, this is easily Ferris's best performance.

For anyone who has ever gone back to their hometown for Christmas and reconnected with the one who got away, movie critics shit all over this film, proving once again that critics

are stupid.

Yeah.

Should be killed.

It is about reconnecting.

It's about the one that got away.

It's about the friend zone.

It's not a fat suit.

It's about a fat suit.

Is he playing himself in the fat suit or is he playing a different character who's

he's playing overweight Ryan Reynolds?

Overweight Ryan Reynolds.

Which is still like probably an audience.

It's not as good as if it's just like the regular Ryan Reynolds character has like a twin brother that's Ryan Reynolds in a fat suit.

That's my favorite thing in movies, period.

Oh, when there's a second version.

No, it's just him.

It's just him.

Oh, yeah.

Really, other than Eddie Murphy and, you know, Michael, Mike Myers, you really don't have a lot of those guys who are willing to play 13, 14 roles per movie.

Yeah,

it was really something that existed for a short period of time where we're like, this is the best thing that you can do in a movie, hands down, guaranteed box office gold.

But for whatever reason, I think we soured on it as a society very quickly.

And I don't know.

I think we could write a whole thing about that, what happened with that.

Woke.

The next one is Jingle All the Way with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Oh, I've seen that one.

This is one from my childhood that I did with Phil Hartman.

And Sinbad.

Yeah, and Sinbad.

Sinbad is fucking hilarious.

Phil Hartman is hilarious.

This one...

It might be a bad movie, but this one does have a place in my heart because I watched it a bunch when I was a kid and loved it for sure.

Well, let's put all of our cards on the table here.

Nobody goes to see this Schwarzenegger movie to watch his incredible acting.

They go because he can't turn off his Austrian accent, and he's an insanely jacked human being playing a suburban dad who struggles to keep his relationship with his son and wife afloat.

The premise alone is worth the price of admission.

Throwing Sinbad, Phil Hartman, and Jim Belushi as Arnold's enemies.

Sign me up.

One of these things is not like the other.

I agree.

Jim Belushi.

Don't try to.

Who invited Belushi to the party guy that's a balushi fan is really something yeah i mean jim belushi is not

jingle all the way needs more balushi yeah i mean if you if someone's saying hey this needs more balushi you know they they don't mean jim do you know what i'm saying that that's just that's the unfortunate facts there yeah the fact that rotten tomatoes gives this a 20 is even more reason to watch it this one goes out to every parent who's searching for that perfect perfect christmas gift for their kid.

11 out of 10.

No notes.

So this guy's writing somewhere between like he's Maddox and like a marketing copywriter.

Like

what year was this written in?

Because this has fucking

two weeks ago.

This has fucking

this stinks of 2007.

And like,

I'm getting like, this guy is 100% 44.

I'm calling 100% 44.

So you've got it now.

So you have been on the chive.

So like you're saying if if you're telling me that, because, yeah, everybody writes like it's 2007, and each person on there is 44 years old.

I don't know how you can know

literally everything about it and claim that you've never been to the website.

Did I know it exactly?

I have been like, what would

I get linked to anything from the chive?

It's one of those things.

Let's let's look at the bottom of the bottom.

Maybe take a look at your fucking friends, then, Branson.

Maybe take a look at who you're hanging out with.

Honestly,

funny pictures, photos.

Oh, man.

Hotness.

Wow.

Don't forget about hotness oh it's mostly boobs yep be okay

the next one is crazy guys the next movie is nuts

um 1998's die hard or 1988's die hard sorry hang on a second here is this a list of christmas movies correct

That's what he said.

Okay, hang on a second.

I don't know about this one.

I'm not sure about this one.

It's a little while, but he goes, I'm happy to put this debate to rest.

The film takes place on Christmas Eve at the Nakatomi Plaza Office Holiday Party.

Yes, Die Hard is a Christmas movie, and it's a damn good one at that.

Die Hard really does a great job of embodying the true meaning of Christmas, spending time with family and good defeating evil.

And then...

For all your Christmas sweater party needs this season, shop the ho-ho-ho.

I have a machine gun sweatshirt here at the chivary oh that's cool so he's giving links to the chivary

that one had a link to the chivary

promoting someone else's merch no not some well i mean the website he's on the chivary is the merch shop for the chive which is why as everyone probably knows by now definitely that's the reason why we named our merch shop the geysery so we we have the geyser and it is directly somebody asked is this a reference i saw someone reply to you on blue Blue Sky Brian saying, is this a reference?

I think they were joking.

Is this a reference to the Chivary?

Yeah.

Finally, gremlins.

Just more proof that everything was better in the 80s.

An incredible Christmas classic that doesn't feel the need to explain itself.

Gizmo just shows up as a gift and everything will be fine if Billy followed the three simple rules.

Obviously, that doesn't happen.

This dark comedy is perfect Christmas movie if you need something to laugh at this season.

And honestly, who doesn't?

I do.

I love

i love this movie as well though growing up when i was a child like when i was an actual child this was one of those movies that i watched over and over again i i don't know how i would feel about it as an adult but it's good i watched it a few years ago but i don't want to say it's good because you know obviously branson have you have you seen that movie yeah the gremlin lady gremlin stuck with me at a very young age you were horny you were horny for the i don't know because i was so young that i don't think i was i was just just thinking like i got to pay attention to this like you know this is is important, you know.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you saw there was some cultural significance, perhaps.

Yeah, I didn't hit puberty.

I don't think, I think the reason why I'm so tall is I didn't hit puberty till I was like 16.

So, when I first watched the gremlins, I, you know, with the truly child-ish

wonderment, going, What is this?

Is this bikini gremlin?

Is this supposed to be indicative of something I'm supposed to understand about women?

Yeah,

I watched it like five years ago with my daughter, and she got scared actually.

Maybe six or seven, actually.

Yeah, give her a little credit.

She would have been a little too old to be scared.

They're a little wet.

You don't see anything in children's media that's nearly as wet as gremlins.

Yeah.

Well, the funny thing about gremlins.

It's gooey, it's fleshy.

Yeah, you're right.

It does have that disgusting gooeyness to it.

It's like a bar scene.

The gremlins get everywhere, you know?

Yeah.

And I love the scene at the end where there's just a gremlin waving a gun around.

Like, it's so good for a kid's movie to have like a gremlin smoking and a gremlin waving around a gun irresponsible.

Fundamentally, what is a gremlin?

It's a small version of one of the three stooges.

And so really what happens is there's this ancient creature that if you feed it food wrong, you create a hundred little comedic foils.

Yeah.

Well, let's go to all our buddies.

I just want to say gremlins is a well-rated movie.

It was the only one on.

Oh, I guess Die Hard is as well, probably.

But yeah,

that's a freaking Christmas movie, that one.

And he changed it up at the end.

He went with like movies that he's like, I guess they're controversial because some people say they aren't Christmas because he kind of changed it up.

He's like three movies that are really big flops and then two super popular famous movies.

Yeah.

Well, he had it to settle the diehard Christmas movie debate.

I think he picked two movies and then he picked the last three Christmas movies he saw.

Yes.

Okay.

That's what I think.

That sounds right.

Yeah.

Well, let's go to the Pastafarianism subreddit to find out, hey, I'm new to Postafarianism.

How should I celebrate the holiday season?

This guy goes, I've joined Pastafarianism today.

I'm pretty much right at the start of the holiday season.

And I've read the section of the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in regards to holidays, but it doesn't specifically say what we should do for the holiday season.

So I'm curious if there's anything I can do to celebrate his great noodliness.

So, sorry, man.

No, you picked the fucking

sarcastic religion.

Yeah, you picked the sarcastic one.

You go don't get to have fun at the holidays.

That's one of the things.

I'm sorry.

You picked the smarter than everyone.

Yeah, you don't have to be religious.

I'm not religious.

I still get to have fun at the holidays because I'm just not a big dickhead about it to everybody.

You know, that's one of the good things you get.

And you don't get to,

Branson, you don't know this probably, but on every single Guy's Plus, the bonus episodes, we read the, they have a holiday every day.

It's one of their gags.

You know, let me tell you.

I thought I'd give that away for free this.

Oh, wow.

Wow, everybody.

Wow.

December 24th is Orgies for World Peace Day.

So some of them are funny, Branson, as you can hear.

Some of them aren't, though.

Yeah, December 25th, celebrate the birth of Isaac Newton.

Oh, you get it?

That's fun.

Do I get it?

Because

he did gravity or whatever?

Yeah, it's like, I guess, well, I guess I can say that.

He's like,

he did gravity.

Whatever he did.

He's like a scientist.

I know he's got a constant.

I know who Newton is.

Yeah, they're basically saying, hey, celebrate a science person instead of a religious person because that's what we should be doing, not some big guy up in the fucking sky made-up book.

Yeah, maybe if

we get it.

Maybe if Jesus got out a fucking Bunsen burner, maybe I'd fucking worship him.

I love this.

It's like, I'm going to be the sarcastic religion, but I'm fundamentally missing out on the traditions and communal experience.

So, hey, what can we do?

It's like joining Baha'i and being like, guys, can we narrow it down a little bit?

Can we get a few, can we just get rid of some of these saints?

Yeah, it really is a great, you don't hear it very often.

It's one of the most honest Pastafarian posts I've ever seen where it's like, okay, yeah, I'm having fun like owning all these fucking idiots and stuff.

And it's like, can I still sort of like get presents and have a turkey dinner with my family?

I really miss them and love them a lot.

Yeah, and it's buddy.

What you want is to be agnostic and not think about it and celebrate all the good stuff and don't do any of the hard stuff like most people do.

There's already a thing for that.

Yeah, it's

doing what I do.

It's what I do.

Yeah, it's what I do.

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't care about it.

I don't have to read nothing.

I don't have to, I don't have to read it.

Remember, I can't even.

I've mentioned it many times.

I can't read.

You know?

Well, we're going to look at some book reviews later that I think are going to be really good.

Gorge on all pasta and pasta adjacent foods, beer and alcohol you want.

Maybe go to a strip club.

Just kidding.

I'll

do those things.

This is really sad.

It's like,

none of these guys are in fucking shape and they're like, drink a bunch of pasta, eat a bunch of pasta, and drink beer.

Well, you have to do that, though.

You have to do pirate stuff and pasta stuff.

That's like stripper stuff.

Well, stripper stuff, I think he kind of just threw in there because I go have fun, like, have a fun night or whatever.

Brother, sorry, heaven has a stripper factory.

Oh, that's true.

I forgot there.

Heaven does have a stripper factory.

Oh, cool.

Let's

demystify religion and commodify women at the same time.

Just kidding.

Although, if you want to do those things, no one's stopping you.

In my opinion,

in my opinion, the absolute best way to celebrate the holidays in honor of his noodliness is to not be a dick to people and enjoy the season.

His noodliness cares more about a general attitude of not being a dick over specific rituals.

OP responds and goes, Thank you, Raman.

So he's, but Raman is what they say instead of Amen.

But, but what's the point of having a fake religion if you just have to do all of the shit that a real religion does?

I don't get it.

It's not sarcastic in your life.

You don't understand.

So you do not.

That's strange that you don't understand satire.

But basically, what you have to understand, Branson, is that living satire.

I guess

what you're not remembering is that at some point there was people who were wearing

headdresses or

like

wearing burkas in their

driver's license photos,

but yet we're not allowed to wear a colander on our head.

See, that's what you're not understanding.

And then imagine if that happened and then you based your entire life around that.

That's suddenly bad to you.

Like 20 years.

Being fundamentally annoying to prove a vague point that no one's really interested in defending.

And that nobody, even at the time 25 years ago, when it was a thing, it was even, but most people now have long forgotten about it and now just see you as a completely insane person showing up to the DMV with a colander on their head, which by the way, they still do regularly to this day.

And they tell stories about it.

And

making people who don't believe in God look like fucking idiots.

I know.

I know.

There's no fucking word.

Every non-believing and that's why nobody wants to say they're an atheist.

Like, I wouldn't, I am an atheist for sure.

I am.

You know what I mean?

Like, I don't have any doubt in my mind.

And even if I did have doubt or think that there was a God, I would honestly not give a shit.

Like, who cares?

It doesn't affect my day-to-day if there's a God, right?

But, like, all the people on

the atheist side are the most annoying people in the world.

They're Gervais.

They're Gervais brained.

Everyone who's Gervaise-brained, if you say atheists, you think Gervaise, and you don't want to be Gervais.

You don't want to be.

Pastafarians are to the other side of Gervais.

They're like almost more annoying than Ricky Gervais because they're doing the stuff.

Because they're trying to do jokes.

They're trying to do Ricky Gervais jokes.

A comedy debate between the top Pastafarian and Ricky Gervais would fucking break the internet.

Straight up.

Sorry.

Well, we're not done here.

uh this guy does

a big feast like i said like said in the gospel mostly of pasta with any sauce and meatballs you can use supplementary meat instead you should you should wear a tire that you wear when praying uh pirate uniform and play pirate themed games and movies decorations will be a nice touch think of trees topped with the flying spaghetti monster and other flying spaghetti monster themed items strung about the place.

Flying spaghetti monster also likes for you to give back to community, spreading good cheer.

I hope that helps my saucy brother.

I just imagine this person, the guy who's replying there with the suggestions, is not a Pastafarian.

It's some sort of person who has some sort of god thing where they're trying to, like, you know, they're trying to manipulate this person's life and make them do the most bizarre things.

He's like, try to put his noodly appendages on a tree.

And they're like, let's see what the fucking idiot comes up with for that.

Do you guys?

I wish I could, there are times in my life where I've like thought, like, I wish I could almost transfer my consciousness now

back to myself at other times in my life.

Like, maybe when I'm on, like, you want to, you, you, you're telling me you'd want to create some sort of bereber,

right?

And if I could go back and maybe suck titties for like six minutes and then have sex, I might even do that if I was able to.

Okay, so a lot of your

this really just sort of comes back to the regret that you're feeling about sucking titties.

It's a lot of adolescent sexual regrets.

But I will say this.

I would like to transfer back to the first time I ever heard of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and know if I laughed at it and thought it was fun.

That is, because who knows?

Who really fucking knows?

You know, I wasn't a comedian.

I wasn't like a creator or anything like that.

And I can guarantee I probably heard Flying Spaghetti Monster.

There's no way I liked it.

But I think it could, because it does sound like something, you know, when I was wearing a derby hat, because that's a gentleman's hat,

that I could see myself being like, oh, I really, that flying spaghetti monster is really funny.

I have multiple family members who wear derby hats.

I can't say anything bad about derby hats.

So I don't know.

Oh, my monster says, Pastafarians celebrate holiday.

It's sometime between December 12th and January 12th or whatever.

If you like trees, do a tree.

If you like presents, have presents.

If you like lights, have lights.

It's whatever you want to do.

If you just want to sit around and complain that's a viable option too we're really not a prescriptive religion other than all this shit they're saying to do this is how religions get started

this guy goes we're doing turkey and all the fixings but there will be a ceremonial bowl of pasta at the head of the table which presides over the festivities we will make offerings to it as the dishes are passed so they're they're gonna make their family do stuff that i think is the most evil possible i think if you are are like a 12-year-old coming of age and you get to the point where you start realizing that your parents are just people, you know, you have this idea of them as being this looming authority figure, and you never really conceptualize them as people.

I think there will be a lot of 13-year-olds when their dad does some sort of head-of-the-table flying spaghetti monster reference that are immediately going to like achieve sentience and go, My dad is just a fucking dumb guy.

I have to stop taking him so seriously.

Immediately, just like a 11-year-old kid going, I'm better than my father.

This ain't it.

This ain't it.

He's missing something.

Yeah, he does it.

Listen, I don't know the whole story, but I know he doesn't either.

Mom won't even look at him.

When he does it, mom won't even look in his direction.

She pretends to go clean something in the sink for five minutes till he's done.

Yeah.

What's going on?

He's got a colander on his head.

Like, he's the only one at the table with the colander on his head.

Also, my family, my extended family has like seven people with dementia.

How do you fucking explain that to any of them?

How do you explain?

I mean, if a guy is,

you can't make your family do this.

You can't make your family do positive.

Just fucking be normal around Christmas.

Listen, listen to this.

Don't go or don't go.

Like, you know what I mean?

Like, if you're going to act that way, excuse yourself and go be alone and do that weird shit.

Let them have their normal fun Christmas.

I got to go to the basement and be weird for a second.

This person goes, celebrate however the fuck you want.

Personally, I'm into the theory that many Christmas traditions came about because someone was on mushrooms.

Oh, that's one of the fucking coolest theories I've ever.

Like, no, honestly, I have a feeling like a lot of the shit they've come up with there is smoking on some crazy shit.

Burning bush?

What the fuck is a burning bush?

You ever think of the Bible exactly?

And just like, it's like the Big Bang.

It's like, what was fucking God smoking in the first place?

You know what I mean?

Freaking nuts, dude.

Well, let's go to,

let's go take a look at R/W.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, buddy, why don't you take another fucking bong hoot of your fucking mushroom weed?

God, I wish you would go film yourself doing jokes like this at an open mic or something to see if people laugh.

Because I'm sure people would go nuts for it.

I mean, I don't mind emiliating myself i would go to open mics as a daryl kraft character and do you know eight to ten minutes of dead silence you know

okay so this is only one post on r slash cruise but i really like it because it ends with an edit which which

I love when a post so this guy goes to r slash cruise like he edits it because he gets influenced like people change his mind I do love that too I love that too yeah it's not mad is it It's cruise, cruises.

This is cruises.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not cruising, which I'm sure we will get to, but cruises.

Well, we're going to talk about some foot guys.

So anyway, he goes, I hate cruising.

I hate feeling like cattle.

I hate the lines.

I hate the faux festivity.

My very elderly mother and elderly-ish brother want to take a Christmas cruise in 2025.

Nothing says, quote, Christmas like being in the open ocean with 4,000 strangers slash S for sarcasm.

To me, that's not Christmas.

That's a vacation that occurs over Christmas.

Mother's mobility issues preclude excursions, which means someone always needs to stay on the boat with her when in port.

So, sell me.

Can you fucking imagine going, like she, this person goes to the place?

Where the people fucking love this thing, talks

just crazy shit, like goes nuts on them and calls them like dumbasses, which they are.

I mean, that's, I'm not saying that cruise guys aren't, you know, dipshits or whatever, but then it's like, sell me on that.

He's an elderly baby boy.

He's an elderly baby boy, too, with his mom.

And so I do love, I love when somebody is, you know, you know what I mean.

Wait, so he's got an elderly brother?

Yeah.

He has an elderly branch.

So are you elderly brother?

So how old are you, bud?

That's really the crux of this thing here.

Because if you're like 62 and you're like, I'm not elderly, it's like, if you want a better adult Christmas, have a family.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's that is the harsh reality of it.

When you get older like that, if you want to continue for it to be fun, you cannot be going with the older members of the family.

You have to create younger ones.

I'm 62 going, I'm not having fun this Christmas.

Mommy, I have to stay with mommy while everyone gets to go up on an excursion and have fun.

Yeah, he's a little baby boy, but he's 60 years old.

They're some of my favorite type of people in the world, honestly.

Oh, God.

I lived in Wargate, New Jersey, and there's a lot of like 45-year-old retired guys here that are like the

dumbest.

It's like the, if you're like a family of like four people, like four kids, whoever the least successful, dumbest rich kid is will usually just like wind up in one of these coastal towns.

Like, and they work like five hours a week as a real estate agent, but really they're just going around partying and drinking and being adult babies.

Lots of those guys.

And you know, living at home and you get it.

And of course,

you're waiting it out, of course, when you're, you know, you're waiting it out for your parents to pass away so you can live in the house on your own like an adult.

But sometimes it doesn't work out like you want.

And you just think about it.

Like, imagine, you know, you're...

Your parents, like, they're 25 years older than you, and they live to like 100.

And now you're 74 years old and you live at home.

I got to move out.

But yeah, you start, you're talking to your friends like, fuck, man, they won't fucking go.

I gotta move out.

Like, can I like stay at your place for a pause?

Four years old trying to find a roommate.

My mom goes to bed at like six.

Yeah, man.

So this person says, so sell me.

And then Edit came back after some feedback, I think, on her post.

I love my family.

If my mother asked to spend Christmas at a budget eight and podunk, I'd do it.

I'm not an immature child who'd pout and ruin the experience.

Yeah, that's, I mean, that is a good point.

It's like, you sounds like you don't have a great relationship with your mother.

It's like,

yeah, because maybe, again, if you had the family and this was a thing where you have your own things in your life that you're getting that fulfillment from, and then you can just kind of say, hey, you know what?

I can take some time.

to make my mother's Christmas, who gave me life and all that, I can just give myself to her, you know, not worry.

I don't give a fuck if an adult has a good Christmas.

You know, I don't get that.

That's for fucking kids.

It doesn't matter.

My Christmas sucks.

Who fucking cares?

You're an adult.

You're gonna have 200 more.

Who cares?

The only thing that makes me upset, and it makes me sad.

And I'll say this is like one thing: is like an adult can have a bad Christmas if they have kids and they don't have money to buy gifts and the kids have a bad Christmas.

That is like a horrifying, horrible shit.

But that's like a different thing than what you're talking about, of course, Bradson.

You're talking about the adult in that situation being the kid that's mad that they didn't get the gifts.

An adult without kids just being like, My Christmas sucks.

Yeah.

Also, being mad about, but also it's just like,

if your mom is elderly and you really care, right?

And everybody in the family is like, we want to go on a cruise.

Look, I don't want to go on a cruise, but there are certainly worse places than cruises to end up.

You know what I mean?

Like, I think I could figure out if I got on one of those big, stupid floating malls, I could figure out how to have fun.

Yeah,

it's like she's not asking you to go to some like bird watching thing, you know?

It's like you, you can, and yeah, oh, you have to stay with her.

Like, she goes to sleep, then you go and have your fun or whatever.

You know what I mean?

She's a fucking 90-something-year-old woman.

She's going to go sleep really early, and you've got at least two more hours with your 60-fucking six-year-old brain.

You can bring your Xbox, dude.

Yeah,

bring your Xbox.

Bring your fucking, just bring your, like, yeah, bring your Nintendo Switch and just fucking zone out, brother.

You know,

we have to rerun to the office on the cruise.

Here's a really interesting line, I think, that sums up what this person wants.

I have offered to host in my home where she would have a full bed, a full and safe bathroom, no confusing outlets, no elevators or stairs, no lines, no safety drills, traditional family recipes, decor, and activities.

Yes, I've spoken with her and my brother about it before seeking input from strangers.

To those of you who have offered constructive advice and or insight, thank you.

For those of you with fragile egos who can't handle someone not agreeing with them or those assuming the worst when given no reason to assume the worst, wow,

sad.

Now, this person wants to do it at their house.

Well, yeah, what's wrong with that, Brian?

So, okay, so, oh, you want to go on a fucking cruise like out into some sort of tropical paradise and all you can eat buffets and everything?

Or

you could come to my house.

Yeah, I mean, it's a little dark because I had to board up the one window that gives us the most natural light, but it's like, we're going to have home cooked meals, you know?

And when I got black mold, I got black mold and you don't want to come?

I mean, it's just funny because I think everybody has a person in their life that's just like, I host.

And like, nobody else hosts.

Nobody like, listen.

Nobody comes to my house and I would love to have company, but I have a brother and people go to his house and they like going there so I don't even bring it up have you ever thought about have you ever thought about it might be nice like hey we're doing something special they usually come over on it would be a whole thing it could be a whole thing yeah and you could start a new tradition that might be I don't want to no it would start off it would start off all the questions then you would have to like somebody would complain you'd have to change something to make it fit something yeah exactly I'm the guy who thinks the stuff Francon's saying is positive yeah exactly you would yeah and that would be great I know what that's a trap every time No, I think

there are some people who would rather be at their house and everybody comes to them.

And I think that's what this person in the end is like,

why would we go on a cruise when we could all come to the best place in the world, my house, which is great.

Which is great.

It has all the stuff I like in it.

I purchased it when I wanted it.

It has all the stuff I like.

Yeah, why?

Why would anyone want to be somewhere other than my house where all the best stuff in the world is and you feel the most comfortable and safe?

I don't want to have to explain my body pillow to some security guard on a boat.

Airbnb hosts.

Ooh, we asking a question.

We hate this is the most hated people that we've ever encountered on guys.

Yeah.

And we covered police guys.

Yeah, we caught.

Not the cops.

The people that are big fans of the police.

And lost prevention guys.

Just the fans.

Yeah, the fans and lost prevention guys who are also fans of the police spoiler alert um but yeah these are the the most despised by the audience i think as well that we've ever covered can i say this about the lost prevention guys i think the police hate the lost prevention guys and the lost prevention guys love the police yes i think i think there's 100

there's similar levels of evil but it's almost like you know an evil ant versus an evil wolf yes you're gonna be more afraid of one evil wolf yeah both of them are trying to harm you but only one has the real means to do it, you know?

The security guard's more likely to harm himself.

We did

read so many loss prevention guys being like, and then I called the police and they didn't even come.

Yeah.

It's like, just fucking calm down.

Security guards are fine, by the way.

It's the loss prevention are different.

I mean, some of them are security guards, but it's like the loss prevention guys are like the guys who are really doing like tactical takedowns and looking at the cameras and stuff, you know?

I actually recently recently went to top golf.

I told the story on the stream a couple weeks ago.

And

there was a guy there that I hated.

He's a Trump guy.

He was goofing on his kids for jacking off, all this crazy stuff, right?

He was just, he tried to, he tried to get a, he tried to get moved because he had a reservation.

Yeah.

Like, it was very cold.

It was totally cold with Branson, but he thought one of the unreserved reservation people should move to the worst spot where he was and he should get a better spot because he had a reservation.

He had an F-350.

He had the manager come to him, and he was like, it's way colder here than it is over there.

And the guy's like, well,

you're outside.

Yeah, you're outside.

Unfortunately, you're outside, sir.

And

the guy goes, well, but I have a reservation.

And the guy's like, he doesn't, I have a,

sorry, this reservation does not stop me from getting cold.

Okay, so I guess I mustn't have read the small print.

But we were, because we saw the Trump things on his golf clubs.

The golf club covers were Trump with like fake hair and everything on them.

And we saw him downstairs just having a conversation.

with the least interested security guards I've ever seen.

That is brutal, man.

That's probably the most brutal.

I mean, the boredom of being a security guard, I would imagine.

I've never done security work, but like just like sitting there for a long time, you know, filling the day and it just going by so slowly but a close second has got to be fucking insufferable guys who don't people won't talk to a lot and they know you have to stay there oh it's called old man i call it old man aggro yeah um you'll you'll ever it's it anybody's able to catch it i catch it a lot because i get a lot of old people aggro because i'm very tall if i'm in the grocery store somebody will come up to me and tell me you know my brother was very tall or

so i the best old man aggro i ever got is i was by the butter section of the grocery store and a guy was in the butter section.

I was looking for butter.

He was looking for a friend.

And he picks up the Landa.

This is right when they changed the Landa Lakes butter mask up.

And he's like, can you believe this fucking chick?

Can you believe this?

And like immediately, like what happened was out of the corner of my eye, I saw him pick up the butter.

I saw him glance over at me and I saw the thought formulate in his head.

And then that moment of eye contact when they turn to you and you make eye contact for the first time and you instantly recognize they have a pre-prepared bit or statement and you're going to have to figure out how to wriggle to get out of that.

That is old man aggro, and you can catch it anywhere.

My father-in-law has.

Yeah, that's so true.

Have you tried to just, it depends on the scenario, but a good thing would be to run off.

I said, I'm not really interested in talking about that thing.

That's

pretty turned.

The run is assertive communication.

I'm learning about assertive.

I'm learning about assertive communication.

You did a good job of that.

I would have used passive communication, and I would have ran away.

No, no, no, no, no.

They thrive on passive communication.

They're not going to get it.

I'm not one of those situations where I'd be running away.

I went probably most of the time.

I have worked in a grant program in Atlantic City.

I know how to be direct and tell things very clearly.

I don't know how.

I got to tell you, I actually would probably just agree with them.

Yeah.

Which is something that I'm known to do.

I'm afraid of the second rift.

That is afraid of the separation.

That is passive.

Agreeing with them when you don't believe it is passive communication.

I usually use what's known as aggressive communication, I've learned, which is not a good one to use, but I'm learning to use assertive communication, which is nice.

Yeah, it sounds like, Francon, you're quite good at it.

Well, you move sideways.

You got to move sideways.

You never go straight at them.

You move sideways on them.

People will be staying at my Airbnb over the holidays.

Should I put up a Christmas tree?

I will have holiday decorations up, but not sure about a tree.

As you can imagine,

the most psycho people people in the world are like, this guy goes, I would ask, good excuse for a little bonding and dialogue, which I want to ask.

I do not, I can't express how little I want bonding and dialogue with an Airbnb.

You don't want to create some sort of lasting friendship, a connection with this person?

No.

An experience?

Yeah.

Well, you don't get to pick them anyway, right?

Like, you can't say, I like this host.

I want to stay at another one of their properties.

I don't

think whenever you get one of the hosts that's like, we want this to be an experience, we want this to be truly like we want people to come here and really feel something.

The second you ask one of those motherfuckers, hey, the fire alarm's beeping and we, and it's behind a locked door, that motherfucker still takes 11 hours to show up.

So, Branson, I'm there with the experience.

They have to lock the door because they can't trust your stupid ass with the fire alarm.

You'll probably fucking shove it up your ass or something.

I didn't tell this on the main show, I don't think, but I stayed in an Airbnb out by Mount Rainier.

It was really nice, you know?

And the fire alarm started beeping.

And I called the guy and he was like,

can you just take it down?

And I said, well, it's really high up there.

I don't think I'll be able to take it down and take the batteries out of it.

And he's like, oh, there's a ladder out back behind the house.

You just go out there, grab that ladder come in and do it and i was like okay and i ended up doing it yeah i think i felt like a fucking

i felt like such a loser he didn't offer me anything

no i think he's right there i think that's fine sometimes it happens the alarm goes off he's telling you here you're a fucking adult deal with it there's a fucking ladder

and then you know what i would have done i would have bashed that fire alarm up i would have fucking ripped it

i would have i would have smashed it up and i would have left it on his fucking pillow with some sort of menacing note or something like that.

I hate it when they tell me to like, hey, can you wash the sheets?

I'm not, yeah, okay, I'll wash the sheets.

I'll wash it with my fucking piss.

How about that?

I'm not pissing and cumming on their stuff.

That's a little too far for me.

Not me.

But

not me.

Yeah, no, I hate it.

Every Airbnb, you piss and come on the sheets.

I don't come.

I piss everywhere.

I piss everywhere.

He came from.

You know what it sounds like when he comes.

that's kind of be impressive honestly yeah that's a long that's a long bit of gum right there yeah all right here you guys go you're gonna love this uh because the the first few words of this sentence are also i have a theory oh good an airbnb host theory we love those

that if they feel they know you a little on a personal level it may reduce the inconsideration

That will reflect unless things wrecked.

Lines, scratches in the floor, broken glasses, slices into your countertop by not using a cutting board, etc.

I wouldn't put your heirloom ornaments onto the tree.

It's a nice gesture, though, if they celebrate Christmas.

Completely incorrect.

The only reason that I'm getting to know the Airbnb host and cozying up to them is to learn about how I can do more destruction on their place.

I want to learn about the like soft spots there.

So this will not work on me.

I will piss everywhere.

I will destroy everything no matter what.

And I'll make a new account.

Try to report me.

I got a hundred accounts.

And they're all liars.

Every Airbnb I've ever done, they got the lick and stick fucking remodel.

You open up the closet, it's like half painted.

They got all the old shit thrown in there.

Like, yeah, I've never been in an impressive Airbnb, period.

Me neither.

Like, I didn't understand.

I haven't seen it in tons, but every single one I've ever been in, I've been unimpressed by, you know, like it's looked way worse in person than it did in the photos by such a long time.

You expect it on some degree, same as a hot, you know, but it just was like so disappointing every time with like what you said, just everything is like paper, paper You know, it's like cardboard paper type shit the cheapest of everything

TVs TVs hung up in an Airbnb mounted on the wall Those are some of the best TV mounts I've ever seen in my fucking life It'll just be like they'll have like the one mount where it'll be like hanging sideways you can move the TV around, but it's just never straight.

Yeah,

we had an insane one where like There was a kitchen and the wall between the living room and the kitchen like doesn't go all the way.

It's like you know what I mean?

Like, it's an open, so you can walk into the dining room.

They had it hanging up where you would have to sit on either side of the wall between the kitchen and the living room to actually watch the TV.

It's just like

these people.

So, anyway, you're going to love this guy, I think.

Five years in, never changed anything to accommodate holidays.

If they had a tree, cool.

That's your business.

People are too sensitive these days and may take offense.

Yeah.

It reminds me of when I had a 48-day stay from some Swedes.

They listed several things I was, quote, missing, and they were once on their end.

Silk sheets, a drying rack, specific types of pots and pans, etc.

I contacted support and they said, if none of these amenities were listed, you're not obligated to fulfill them.

If they choose to modify, they stay with purchase, modify their stay with purchasing these additions, they're welcome to do so.

So they did.

I bought the pots and pans from them, and they ended up extending their stay two weeks towards the end.

I'd approach it the same way: welcome to modify within reason, be well.

So that guy's a dick.

Well, I mean, it sounds like they worked it out in the end.

You know, they were the Swedes were looking for some fucking crazy Swedish pans to make their weird foods.

You know, I'll say, like, I was very, very, very against this guy, but I can only imagine the nightmare of like a three-month occupancy Swedish family on an American Airbnb just fundamentally misunderstanding everything about America.

It's almost what they all deserve, you know?

Every one of them deserves a three-month stay from a Swedish family who knows nothing of the culture of America to really open their eyes to how easy they have it for the rest of the year, and they'll be treating all the rest of the customers a lot better.

God.

Stoned Old Chiller says, we put up a substantial indoor tree with ornaments and lights.

Nothing religious apart from the tree, which is pagan.

y'all ever think of that man I never really thought of it it's almost like religion's made up then you might as well instead of having God have like some sort of flying spaghetti monster or something I like your way of thinking I don't know I'm just thinking out loud it's absolutely

preposterous to think there's a god

let's check in with some rotten tomatoes guys oh sweet I looked at some reviews of home alone oh great this is a Christmas movie a famous one.

And this is, I went to this with my aunt when I was like five years old in this old movie theater, this rundown in Richmond, D.C., where I grew up.

And it's, I believe, the first movie I ever went to at the movie theaters was Home Alone.

So this is a real special place in my heart.

I loved this movie when I was a baby boy.

I don't think you're going to like Jeff.

He gave it two and a half stars.

He goes, I really only have one fundamental issue with this movie.

Unfortunately, it's a big one.

Let's start with the good.

Culkin does a fantastic job in this movie.

I'm very sensitive to

the boy.

He's marvelous.

I mean, listen, he is good, but it's, yeah, he's a little boy.

You know, I don't know that he, you know what I mean?

The wedding was fine, but the flower girl was a fucking idiot.

Fuck the man.

The best man was a hoot.

This wedding was amazing.

The best man was incredible.

I love the idea of reviewing somebody's wedding.

Culkin does a fantastic job in this movie.

I'm very sensitive toward overly cute and or obnoxious kids in movies, but he straddles the line perfectly.

The supporting cast is filled with warnings.

Kids are too cute in these movies.

Honestly, when the kids get too cute in the movies, it does fucking take me out of it.

I hate that everyone does film criticism now.

I hate that everyone reviews movies.

We don't need this.

Letterboxed.

Everyone get on Letterboxd.

Let's make sure we all get our Letterbox reviews in there.

I just think it is safe to say, though, Branson, I know you're getting a little bit angry about this, but it is safe to say.

I think you can even agree that Kevin, whatever his name is, Macaulay Culkin, he basically understood the assignment.

You know what I mean?

He knew

it's Macaulay Culkin ate, and he left no crumbs.

I'm telling you, Culkin understood the assignment.

He knew that if he plays too cute, it's going to wreck this whole thing.

And there's a line he has to straddle there between mischievous and cute and lovable.

And he fucking understands the assignment.

And he snatched Joe Pesci's wig, I heard, too.

Honestly, like, to see that type of range and understanding of acting in a child so young is really impressive.

The supporting cast is filled with wonderful actors,

particularly the treasure that is Catherine O'Hara.

And no one can't help but leave this movie.

This guy's fanning himself on.

He's got a little something.

Catherine O'Hara is fantastic, though.

We can't agree.

She is great.

She's a treasure.

And he goes, and one can't help but leave this movie with a warm heart after the uplifting ending.

Here's my problem.

When Bugs Bunny drops an anvil on Yosemite Sam or when the Acme bomb meant to impede the Roadrunner blows up in Wiley Coyote's face, there's great humor to be found.

These are cartoons.

We realize no one's actually getting burned.

No.

When you take Jordan Peterson turn.

Jordan Peterson said.

Oh my god.

What happened?

What?

I was not expecting this.

I was not expecting this.

Of all the things, I was not expecting this.

The innate nature of bug spinning must be understood.

When you take these same antics and portray them in the real world with real people, it's not only unfunny, but very uncomfortable to watch.

As watching a snuff film.

It's uncomfortable.

When Daniel Stern gets hit with the, like, you know what I mean?

It's like, well, I mean, just, can we go through some of the things that happened to them, though?

Like, Branson, you laugh about it, but can you imagine the impact of like an anvil hitting somebody or whatever, like striking somebody in that?

Like, it would be, I don't know if you've seen something like that in person, but it's fucking traumatizing in a very serious way.

It's not funny, is what he's saying.

If you ask somebody with a paint can, you're no, yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

I think that's the point he's making.

Of course, it can be used in a comical way, but it's like, if you see that in real life, it's fucking jarring.

When Curly

went to Larry and he poked him in the eyes and Larry could not see for 10 seconds.

He didn't even realize the paint can was over his head.

So he tried to turn.

He tried to turn,

but the 2x4 was on his shoulder and it hit Mo and Mo fell into the barrel.

I love this guy because he goes, perhaps I'm overly sensitive.

Millions of, yes, you are.

Millions of filmgoers obviously feel differently, but it left a sour aftertaste in my mouth and ruined the rest of the movie, most of which I thoroughly enjoyed.

Friggin' violence.

Yeah, I really identified with the criminals trying to hurt the child.

It was when the child was able to get the upper hand on the older men that were similar to my age where I was like, well, this isn't realistic.

I could easily kill a child and I would have no problem getting into the house.

And so it was unrealistic to me.

This is a four-star review from Jason, and he says he watched it on April 20th, 2024.

Uh-oh.

Oh, hang on a second.

Yeah, I'm thinking this.

I'm thinking we need to take this

take this fucking review with a grain of salt, if you know what I mean.

A grain of Keefe.

A Christmas classic now, joining Kevin as he's accidentally left home alone.

Still enjoyable to watch putting yourself in the 90s again.

Of course, things would be different these days with technology, video calls, door cams, house cams, Alexa, et cetera.

Still one of my childhood favorites.

So Alexa, so this guy got a high on 420 and started thinking about how

home alone would eat how it wouldn't even work in today's day and age.

You couldn't even make it these days.

You couldn't make it because of the violence.

But because of Alexa, that's a big thing.

Well, Macaulay Culkin's way too old.

It wouldn't be the same movie if you made it today.

Macaulay Culkin would be a grown-up now with a family, so he would be like, wouldn't be an issue that he's left home alone.

When it's a child under attack, it's a light-hearted comedy.

When it's adult under attack, it's a horror movie.

Yeah, I mean, I believe it's

Blue Ruin has a similar kind of feel to it.

Great movie.

Where that's kind of an adult, and he's in there, and people are trying to get in and kill him.

It does sort of take a different turn.

These are

trap-based movies, movies that are focused on traps.

Daniel L gave it two and a half stars, and he goes, I liked it, but the reason why it was bad was because the characters.

There were only three main characters: the two robbers and Kevin.

Yep.

Every film review sounds to me like the guy, I can just see the guy laying down in bed, holding his big belly, and just typing the review into his phone.

That's what every movie review I hear has.

I don't know.

I liked it, but the boy, you know, he wasn't realistic.

They didn't have enough characters.

Yeah, you want more characters, ideally.

They did have more characters, just to be clear.

Mainly just the three, though.

Yeah, but that's like most movies.

It's mainly there's like main characters.

It's a dumb complaint.

Where's all the characters?

What the fuck are you talking about?

Yeah, I like it.

I pay good money, and there's only three characters.

I want seven to ten characters for the amount of money I paid to watch.

You're just quantifying media to such a point that it doesn't mean anything.

Excuse me.

Yes, I'm calling to get a refund for my castaway showing.

I believed I was going to see a minimum of three characters.

This fucking scene stupid as fuck.

Macbeth is talking to a fucking skull instead of a guy?

Fucking wake me up.

Wake me up when there's

not a character.

Wait, wait, do you guys think that the thing in Castaway is a skull?

That's a volleyball.

It's a volleyball.

He's at Macbeth.

Oh, Macbeth.

No, Macbeth.

You changed into Macbeth.

Oh, I see.

I see.

No, it was Macbeth first.

I was doing a much more smart guy recognition.

I thought of Castaway first.

You're saying Castaway.

But I went with Macbeth.

Castaway got that idea from Macbeth?

I'm not claiming that Castaway got the idea of talking to something and thinking it's somebody else.

But if we want to trace that idea back to its original idea, I'm going to go with Macbeth talking to the skull.

And I'm sure people were talking to stuff before that.

Can I ask, is Wilson a character, though?

I mean, he's got a name, but.

The stupid Wilson character doesn't even fucking talk.

What?

Couldn't afford to fucking pay another actor?

Couldn't do any CGI scenes to make it seem like Wilson was dancing.

Ever heard a voiceover?

Maybe at least he could talk.

You know what I mean?

Well, Max Johnson gave it two stars.

Tedious.

For the child of five.

Calling a children's movie tedious.

Tedious.

For the child of five who has not learned to read, this could well be captivating or painting.

Yes, and I can tell you, as someone who watched it at that age, it was.

And it changed my life.

And it was incredible.

And that's who it was made made for you fucking buffoon

he goes he goes for the child of five who has not learned to read this could well be captivating or entertaining to those irresponsible parents slapstick strongly requiring suspension of disbelief zero christian themes this is not a christian oh i see christmas movie i see zero christian themes sort of gave away the whole thing man what do christian people fucking like

i like if you don't like home alone man you your options are limited that's like one of the cleanest things we got i know i know it's one thing that we agree on that's why i had to find bad reviews but i do have a five-star review from bob thank you um home alone one well it's weird i'm gonna tell you that what home alone home alone one is the movie i like the most period home alone one is the movie that gives me the most laughs period home alone one has a circumstance in which i certainly enjoy and that is that four of the people in the movie were born in the same year as me right hillary wolf angela gonhals devin rattra and mike morona were all born in 1977 and i was born in 1977 also okay and all four of them say quotes during the movie that caused me to laugh and so anyone that was born in 1977 and that likes this movie keep in mind that four of the actors portray macaulay colkin's siblings in this movie uh share your same birth year huh i don't

I'm gonna start looking that up and I know what this is now.

I know what kind of guy this is.

i'm gonna start looking up and sort of seeing if people have the same birthday year as me birth year

yeah

i know what this guy is i know what he's doing what what do you think he's doing what what what is your oh he's just living his life he's in the basement somewhere he's casually mentioning to people you know this person was born in 1977 same as me and then they go okay derek that's great thank you and then he says it for every movie and i bet if you click on it i bet

i bet he talks about the birth year in some other movie.

This is as clean as a fixation as I've ever seen.

Yeah.

A clean fixation.

I went and looked at feet in your face, R slash feet in your face.

For Christmas?

That's where the foot guys are.

Branson, are you into feet?

Are you into feet in the sex way?

No, I mean, I like them in walking around on, but like, you know, I've never looked at a foot and, you know, thought to like put the whole thing in my mouth or whatever, you know.

Yeah, we don't.

never sucked on a foot for three hours.

Yeah, I'm glad and happy for them.

I think they're very great, but yeah, it's one of those ones where I can't really even understand the appeal of it.

If you don't know, yeah, it's one of those that, like, you'll just never, yeah, yeah, you know, you just really have to, yeah, it's not one of those.

If you're not a foot guy, you just have to be like, I'll never know.

It's like, it's like, oh man, I'm really into like, you know, I'm not super into asses or whatever.

Just as an example, I'm not saying I'm not.

Just like, hey, I'm not super nasty, but I can see how people find asses.

sex.

But not for feet.

Feet, it's like

asses.

I like titties.

I like pussies.

I like faces.

I like all four.

Yeah, he goes with the big four.

Brian's with the classic big four.

He goes face four.

You know, the left side of the twin-headed snake always goes for the big four.

Everyone knows that.

Faces, asses, titties,

and butts.

Yeah.

Pussy.

I said pussies.

You said asses.

There's a Nick Cave book where he's like, you know, titman or ass man.

I'm a whole man.

And then I was like, oh my God, Nick Cave is one horny guy.

That's one horny guy.

Well, these foot guys, Branson, one thing I learned when we did the Feet Guys episode, which I believe is last week's episode that comes out, is that

these are the horniest men in the outrageously horny.

Outrageously horny, like more than we've seen other kink stuff, and they don't seem to be as horny as these guys.

These guys seem to take it to a different level.

I think I have a theory on that.

I think like there's never really the release valve on the foot.

What?

You know, you never, like, you never get to, like, like what you do, you jizz on a foot.

Yeah, well, we did, we experienced that.

You can do foot jobs as well.

You can stick your foot.

Yeah, but that's, that's fucking stick off.

No, no, they don't goof about that.

And you, you,

yeah, they're trying, they're making the best of a bad situation.

That's inherently goofing off.

That's goofing off.

They put their foot inside their butts.

That's not serious.

That's not serious.

Our theory is.

Serious people.

Serious people don't give foot

they put foot foots into their butts and I I think that

I believe it is the re the whole foot our theory is that the reason they're so horny is because feet are all around and you're seeing them all the time you know what I mean like the thing that you're but I guess that's the same with any of those

are you really seeing feet all the time I mean, I see feet all the time.

Yeah, you're just like, they're everywhere.

They're in like at, you know what I mean?

They're just like, they're around you all the time.

But I guess that is the same for everything, really.

I guess I'm going to be honest, I don't really notice that many feet.

Because you're not a foot guy.

We don't notice it.

But I think if you're a foot guy, like, you can't argue with the fact, Branson, all those people around you.

It's like titties for them.

They go nuts.

I don't understand it.

It's like titties for them.

They all have feet.

They all have feet.

The people who are walking around.

Well, not all, but most people have feet.

I just think, I think it's such a persistent sexual thing because you never get the release.

You know, you're going to come on a foot, but that's inherently a clumsy act.

In my opinion.

In my opinion.

Well, let's look at that.

I don't want anybody saying, you know, I have this really elegant.

We have this really elegant foot shop.

Well, this woman posted, I'm not going to make you guys look at it.

She posted, Alone on Christmas needs some cheering up, and it's her feet.

She's fully dressed.

She's got her feet on the table.

That's what the picture is.

First guy says, gorgeous lady, and her sniffable souls.

Foot guys are a little bit more wordsmiths.

They are.

This guy goes, hey, Mary Ludmus, you're a beautiful, and those toes will end up licked.

So that's

that one sort of wasn't so good for your theory, Brad.

That guy was a little less of a wordsmith.

But he's tried.

Tried.

Like maybe a new guy.

Like he's new, and the first guy was like a real veteran.

And that guy's just learning.

He'll get some guidance, hopefully.

Yeah, he'll come up with a better line.

He'll compliment more women.

He'll see what works.

This person says, Merry Christmas Eve, cutie, and has the emoji with the hearts around it.

There you go.

That'll get her to.

She'll DM you with that one.

That'll get it there, bud.

Next guy says, sexy self with the same thing.

And then this person says, Merry Christmas.

You have a beautiful smile and very cute feet.

Anybody post any pictures of their tongue?

No, I wish.

I love it when they say, here's my tongue.

Yeah.

Well, this guy goes, pretty toes.

Can I lick them?

Yeah, see, oh, I I don't know.

Can you lick them?

I'd love to see what you would do that with, though.

How am I supposed to know if I want it to be touching my toes unless I see it stuck out of your mouth in a really grotesque way?

Here's one I think made me I wouldn't post.

He goes, I would kill for someone like you.

Easy.

All right.

Sell down, Beavis.

Yeah.

That's maybe a calm down a little bit.

Yeah, there is.

You're scaring the hoes.

I would kill for someone.

Yeah, Beavis.

Because me, and I'm not even.

I mean, I think maybe there are some women, probably less nowadays, maybe more so in like the feudal times or whatever, that would really sort of respect a man who's willing to kill for them.

That still exists, but I think most women see that as like a what's known as a red flag, where it's just like, oh, I don't want to bring this person into my life who is saying that they're going to kill somebody and take someone's life.

I don't want to sleep over faith.

I don't want to kill over over fate.

I don't want to sleep.

Sleep killing over love.

He's just fucking.

I don't want to sleep beside this guy and close my eyes, you know?

You are beautiful and those feet are exquisite.

I would love to spend Christmas with you.

That's nice.

That's honestly, I mean, that's just polite.

This guy goes, Merry Christmas, hottest woman on the internet.

Okay, I don't know if you need to.

I think she probably knows that's not true.

Well, she's also, she's also, you know, she's fucking going into the lion's den.

She's literally dipping her toes in the lion's den.

That's true.

That's true.

All we can hope is that this woman knows what she's doing.

Yeah, this guy goes, what?

Hot girl with perfect toes, home alone?

How?

Marry me.

Ah, yeah.

It's like the it's so funny because he's like saying it and it's like, what, how?

But it's like the true tone of that is like, woman, like on her own, like, loves feet, beautiful feet.

Fucking marry me.

Like, he's like, so

intensely serious.

This next post is from Tattoo Goddess 420, and she says, all I want for Christmas is you worshiping my big feet.

And let's look at some replies to that.

How big are the feet?

They're not too big, actually.

I'll show you.

They're not huge feet.

I'll tell you that.

Like, I will be the fellow.

I'll be the judge of this.

It's tough to say because we don't have a lot to compare to.

We don't have a lot to.

Yeah, we have to.

I'll say this.

Her feet do look wide.

They look pretty wide.

They look like wide feet.

And, you know, depending on if that's a twin mattress or honestly, it looks like she's on some sort of depressing couch blanket situation with a sheet on it.

Like, that is, that's not.

Also, she didn't post this picture.

She's asleep right now.

Her weird husband or whatever took that fucking picture.

It was like, I'm Tattoo Goddess 420.

Now,

we did find that happens a lot.

What?

Ho?

This guy goes, worshiping your big feet would be the ideal Christmas gift.

They look big and snuggly.

Dude, they sound like fucking AI reply guys.

It does.

Oh my God, those feet look amazing.

And I would love to cool up, cuddle up with them on a warm Christmas game.

They don't look snuggly, by the way.

Like, they look like, I would imagine that they're kind of rough.

They look like every other motherfucking foot I've ever seen in my whole fucking life.

Every fucking one.

Dirty Soul Lover says, what a coincidence.

That's exactly what I want, too.

And I see you have my pen set up already, Ella.

What's that?

They have a pen around the tree.

She says, that's to keep my cat from biting my tree.

She's like, no, that's not whatever little joke you're trying to play with me.

No, I'm going to give you the real

actual purpose of that to just cut this off immediately.

That's cool because he replies and goes, I'm sure you could have me trained quick enough.

I wouldn't need a pen anyway.

Okay, she's going to not respond to that one, right?

Yeah, I'd need a muzzle.

Yeah, don't i don't think i'll need a pen you'll have me train you'll have me trained thankfully you could you know hopefully you can train me otherwise who knows i'm very physically dangerous

you'll need to she replies no

honey she goes i doubt much training is needed you seem pretty obedient already okay sub dom going on here so is a foot how is a is the The foot thing isn't inherently tied to the, you know, this guy just is a foot guy that has also like a wanting to be dominating thing, or is it the foot thing about wanting to be dominated?

No, I think it's not specifically.

I think there's feet guys who aren't subs, but I think there's something about it that does seem inherently like a submissive thing, right?

Like kiss someone's feet or like, you know what I mean?

Like there's something about that.

Well, I mean, Jesus got a lot of points for doing that to the peasants back when nobody was doing that.

Oh, so it's got all these things.

Is it your made-up fucking picture book that you fucking read every Sunday?

You have to say,

I like the twists and turns of this because he goes, I have my pen set.

You have my pen set up.

And she's like, that's not for you.

And then he's like, oh, well, I'm sure you could train me and I wouldn't need it.

Because she said, that's not for you.

Now he's like, okay, that's not for me.

I need to back off.

And then she goes, I doubt much training is needed.

You seem pretty obedient already.

So now.

She's got him trained.

He's obedient.

He's

got to fucks it up.

Oh, no.

Thank you, but I'm still pretty rough around the edges.

And my stubborn and prideful side comes out ever so often.

But I bet you could break me and my back.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

So you've turned it into.

I ain't no fucking good for you.

You're on line four talking to this woman, and you're already like, I ain't no good.

It was such a playful sort of thing.

Like, you can probably train me up pretty good.

Like, oh, you've already got me trained.

And it's just like, well, the truth of it is, I have some pretty serious emotional baggage and trauma that I'm dealing with.

My mom died, and everything's been going to shit.

Let's look at one more thing here.

I can't even compartmentalize my horniness and my life problems.

I went to R slash Lottery

who are new and the lottery has a good bump in the Christmas.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Lottery tickets, people are always buying them for the stockings and the scratch and wins and everything.

Yeah.

So this guy, Glad Tower, post-Christmas presents for the family, bought one for myself, so the total came to $400.

He bought $50 cards for his family.

All the people in his family,

that's a hefty price to pay, but not too much.

I've already spent more than that for my Christmas.

How much have you spent for your Christmas?

And this comes out before Christmas, so don't fucking say the present.

I don't know.

This idiot said the present that he bought his wife when we were recording, not realizing the episode comes out before Christmas, and I got to go.

Does your wife listen to the podcast?

Does your wife listen to the podcast?

My wife has never listened to a single podcast.

She listens to it, and she likes DB a lot as well.

And DB is a guest on that episode, so she might have listened.

All right, this guy replies and goes, Hey, it's me, your family.

Content Cargo says, $50 tickets, hot damn.

Some of them will win because the more expensive the ticket, the more people win.

Branson, I don't know if you.

I'm familiar with gambling.

This guy goes, What happens if one wins?

Do they pretend they lost and cash it in on the sly?

We'll all share if one wins.

This could end your family, as you know.

So that's somebody who has incredible selfishness, no understanding of love or like, you know, camaraderie or just family at all or anything like that would just absolutely sell his entire family for any amount of money.

Classic lottery guy paranoia.

Once again, this is a huge reason.

I have had people worried that they're going to get their fucking fucking money taken from their family.

How do I keep it from my fucking family?

I have had uncles who have given lottery tickets as a Christmas gift and then done the joke like, you know, if you win, you got to give me some.

And it's just like,

whatever, man.

I don't even want this.

Yeah.

If you win millions of dollars,

you gave me most likely nothing.

Yeah.

That's the gamble.

They don't see the gamble on your side where it's like, well, you spent $6 or $5.

I bought this fucking loser lottery ticket and I didn't even fucking give you the money.

This guy goes, the OP comes back and goes, I'm pretty secure about how we'd all act.

We've signed the house under all of our names and we regularly help each other out financially.

So I think we could handle a winner.

Yeah.

So he's

like,

guy replies and goes, that's good.

And then another guy replies and goes, I know that's what I'm thinking.

I also would never give lottery tickets as gifts.

I won't be so.

I would be so envious if someone won big LOL.

So this guy would destroy his.

Yeah,

just slowly but surely.

Slowly but surely.

He would destroy it with resentment and just, you know, like.

Hey, everybody, like, I know, everybody I know that's like a big gambler is also a huge liar.

So

it's like, whatever these guys are saying they wouldn't do, I don't believe.

Yeah, that's fair.

You're telling me people that have problems with impulse control make irrational emotional decisions with family?

This guy goes, gave out four this month for office prizes.

Last person won 50 bucks.

That alone will keep me up at night.

4 million, I'd lose my mind.

What a pussy.

I hate this guy.

What a shitty way to go through the world.

I gave them a bottle of wine and they drank it and enjoyed it.

It should have been my wine.

Just die, Lucy.

It's so weird, too, because, yeah, like,

so you're not familiar.

So

you were hoping to give them nothing.

That was your best case scenario.

You're mad that I got your shit.

You're mad that I didn't get nothing.

Yeah, I gave you a gift, and I'm mad that the gift amounted to something.

That's wild.

I wanted you to lose, but I wanted you to have the joy of the scratch.

It's about the scratch.

Anyone who knows, it's about the scratch.

It's all about the scratch.

Here's a one thing that's

I had

someone get mad at is if you curse somebody's sports bets, and I've said I officially curse all sports bets of people in this room.

I had three people get mad at me.

Yeah, you gotta be careful with that.

They take they, I mean, I will say as somebody who was like into sports when I was younger, before I had, I guess, like

thoughtfulness or whatever, I was like, don't fucking do that.

You know, like, I gotta knock four times or they won't, you know what I mean?

Like, I was like, it's all this bizarre thing that you're like trying to have control over everything, you know, the things that you just could never have any control over at all.

You're trying to convince yourself that you do have some control over them, you know?

Well, here's an interesting one of a guy that I think maybe got

brought his own baggage to a movie and he goes, wow, best of luck, mate.

Make sure you scratch it off with a lucky coin.

I always remember that coin scene in No Country for Old Men.

So he remembers the guy filling out.

So you're telling me when your nieces and nephews are scratching their scratch and winds by the fire on Christmas morning, you are picturing Anton Shigeru or whatever.

I'll say that.

When you talk in a public forum, you owe it on some level to the people that you are talking to to say something good and worth saying.

And that's the most non-sentence ever of like, oh, yeah.

Hey, remember that scene?

It's like, you posted that.

Why?

Take a little pride in your work.

You posted that you watched a scene in in No Country for Old Men and that the thing you were thinking about was the lottery ticket and not anything else that was happening in the thing.

I'd rather take a wild insane.

Oh, is that what he's trying to do?

He's trying to say that I'm such a lottery ticket guy that I watched this and this is what I was focused on.

In that case, that is cool.

And finally.

Went to Goodreads to read some reviews of a Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens.

We did book guys and we learned there's some great reviews of classic literature from modern day.

Oh, yeah.

People approaching classic literature with disdain off the jump.

What the fuck is a Jarvey?

I hate context.

Yeah, this guy's one star.

Let me say it myself so I can save everyone the effort before you feel the need to say it.

I'm an odd, bloody duck.

Odd and proud.

Yeah, sorry.

I sometimes go against the grain on stuff, Branson.

It's just sort of something that's built into me, you know.

Say we might be the only site where you can get away with saying this now without people goofing on you.

Yeah.

Although we are goofing on them.

Most of the times I end up not liking and sometimes even hating the famous books or the more acceptable books.

I'm a little late with the review, considering it was Christmas.

That's such a cool thing to be.

Like, it's so cool to be that way.

Sorry, Brian, keep going.

It's like reviewing the Mona Lisa.

Yeah, like, I just, yes, that's what it is to be.

We read people reviewing Dracula.

Yeah, and they're like, it wasn't even scary.

It wasn't even scary.

People kept saying it's not scary.

And it's like, well, fucking, dude, it's a book.

It's hard to.

It's from so long ago.

Everyone was different then.

Yes.

You have to understand that.

You can't just assume everybody's just in the present with you, walking lockstep with you.

This guy goes, this book, the message of it, the essence of it is good.

Good enough.

The writing, not so much.

This was my first Dickens book, and in all honesty, I quite hated the writing style.

It gave me a headache.

I hated it.

Wait a second.

Is there a chance you didn't have enough water?

Do you know what I mean?

I feel like that's unfair.

There's so many other reasons.

Yeah, like you discussed.

You could have a fucking cold, a cold or a flu or whatever.

These fucking guys would review exercise and say it made them throw up.

I hate how the author tries to talk to you.

This ain't a conversation.

Buddy, do your little writing.

Tell your little story.

I ain't fucking here with you.

Pretending.

I hate it when someone British pussy tries to talk to me between 300 years of time and space and connect with me.

Fucking loser.

Where's Wolverine?

I don't want the feeling of being in a conversation with the author.

I'm sorry that I'm not sorry to say that for

me writing style.

I'm sorry that I'm not sorry to say that.

For me, writing style takes precedence unless the story itself is extraordinary, which clearly isn't the case here.

I know at least one guy who will refuse to even acknowledge or like my review because I give it a little bit of a

he's he's got one hater that he knows.

He's like, I know of one guy who's going to certainly downvote this.

I don't like, I love the like, what's with the down votes?

Or I know you're going to downvote me, but I've never seen somebody say, I know I'm going to get one vote from one particular, one down vote from one particular gentleman.

It's a way of talking that makes me just go, this guy is a dollop of cream.

Oh, yeah.

This guy is holding his big multicolored lollipop.

He is sitting there in his

fucking little sailor suit, and he is ready to review literature.

It's a classic.

The second one that I read for Christmas, and I didn't like either.

I think I'll stay away from them.

We don't seem to get along quite much.

And then finally, or the end,

Pat the Book Goblin gave it one star.

Pat the Book Goblin gave a Christmas story one star.

Yeah, well, first things first, I hate this story.

I hate it with every fiber of my body.

Bah humbug.

They say in psychology that if you see something over and over again, that you eventually start liking it.

Do they say that?

No, they don't don't say it.

I don't think so.

It depends on the context of how you see it, probably.

I'm not a psychologist, but I would imagine there'd be some.

This guy hatches from an egg every

context where you would see it over and over again and you would hate it.

Well, yeah, unless it's watching the movie Frozen 46 million times a month with my daughters, this doesn't work with me.

Growing up, I was in the play, A Christmas Carol, for middle and high school every Christmas.

Yep, you got it.

I've been in this place six fucking times.

I was all for ghosts.

Bob Cratch's son, not tiny Tim because I was too tall, and some extra character because there was too many of us one year.

So needless to say, I can redecite the damn play in my sleep.

And to make matters worse, we would watch the movie before we started to play practice for that year.

And I've seen almost every movie adaptation.

Shoot me.

So unless you're a zombie spin-off where all the characters get their faces eaten off like pride and prejudice and zombies.

I won't be reading this book ever again.

So, this is a guy.

I'm sorry to interrupt.

This is a guy that presumably hates this book and somehow, year after year, is bombarded with it.

He's in plays with it.

He's forced to watch movies.

He can't avoid anything about it.

It's been following him around since he was a young child, like some sort of curse.

And yeah, it's his cross to bear.

And I believe he will take it to his grave and he will never fully escape the clutches of a Christmas carol.

Well, he's willingly going to this to talk about it more.

Yeah, I think I call it, I think I called it a Christmas story before.

That's known as an honest mistake.

That's known as an honest mistake, everyone.

Well, I would maybe on guys plus,

well, no, never mind, because this comes out on the 24th.

We did have some Trans-Siberian working straight ticket master reviews, but I'll just leave that for next year.

Yeah, well, yeah, you guys, if you're really excited about that, you're like, I really want to hear that.

Don't worry.

In 12 months, we will do that.

Hey, there might even be some more new ones then, too.

Yeah.

I hope not.

I hope not.

That'll complicate things a lot, Brett.

Oh, okay.

Well, I was just trying to write my own one-star review and squeeze it in there.

Yeah, they're not my favorite reviews.

It's like, The show was performed extremely well.

The lighting, sound, technical development was great.

Having said that, it was too loud.

And getting hit with the lights was a headache-inducing.

Again, this show wasn't made with me and mine.

My kids and their kids would have probably loved it.

The storyline, though, TSO does excel at music and a presentation of it, but one should never equate volume with quality or mind-piercing lighting for a great presentation.

For that matter, I'm sure I am in the 0.001% with these thoughts, but you asked.

Yeah, I mean, sometimes it's too loud.

We all know that that's some people who do reviews fucking hate it when it's too loud.

Shout out, Tony Kay.

We miss you, Tony Kay.

We want you to do more reviews, please.

Tony Kay's.

We wish you were alive.

Did he pass away?

Is that that?

Please don't.

I think he's passed on.

He was an older gentleman who did reviews in my hometown of Vancouver, and his big gripes were always: music too loud, water too cold.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He doesn't like loud.

He doesn't like loud rock music either.

He wanted elevator kind of music.

So if there's he said bland music, if there's ever rock and roll music that was too loud or the water is too cold, the best part about him is that like he concedes that he loves like the food or like that he had a great time, but he will still give it one star if the water is too quiet.

It is like my favorite old guy complaint used to be the price of eggs.

That used to delight me.

I hear a lot of old guys who will just be like at a breakfast place or like in the grocery store.

The price of eggs, whenever an old guy complains about it, it like gives me real joy.

And I haven't really felt that for a lot of other old guy complaints, but going to a restaurant saying that the water is too cold is one of the best old guy complaints I've ever heard of in my life.

I love it too.

It's one of my favorite complaints I've ever heard: water too cold.

There's nothing you can do about it.

It's like you'd be stunned if you heard that.

You'd be stunned.

I will say there is one more very short ticket master review of TSO by Joel, and it's very odd to me.

The tickets, by the way, most people are like, it costs $244 a ticket to go to this show.

It's a lot.

Worth every penny.

Basically, what shows up on the show?

But that's a lot.

That is a lot.

It is a lot.

It's a ton of money.

You got to pay for all those steamrollers.

You got to pay for the whole orchestra.

It's a lot of guys up there.

This guy goes kind of lame.

Took too long.

It was a lot of the same stuff over and over.

One of my kids enjoyed it.

The other was bored.

I wish it was $20.

They did this one drum beat, and then they just kept repeating that drum beat for like four to five minutes on one song, which was fucking weird.

It's also like, are they just reviewing concerts?

I think the biggest thing here is you're just reviewing the idea of a concert.

We discovered these concert reviews on Ticketmaster, and they are a real wealth.

They're my second favorite type of review.

My favorite is the casino reviews, of course.

The people who leave the casino

and leave a review in the parking lot or whatever.

You've seen any jail reviews?

Jail reviews are good.

No way.

We haven't looked at jail reviews.

Jail reviews are good.

Jail reviews are good.

Oh, the food here sucks.

The casino ones are great because they're like, I lost a bunch of them.

It's wild.

I put in, I didn't win anything.

And nobody cared.

Nobody there cared.

Nobody.

Branson, you want to plug anything?

E1 podcast.

That's it.

That's it.

You know, it's the same thing.

It's the same.

It's been doing the same thing for seven years.

I don't know.

If you don't know about it, you're probably not going to like it.

I don't know.

Yeah, fair enough.

What do you even say about this stuff?

I think it's the premise of it is something.

We don't even do the premise anymore.

Yeah.

Well, Merry Christmas, everybody.

Next week is the finally episode that's going to drive you nuts.

It's the Wrestling Guys episode.

We are doing it.

as a Royal Rumble.

So we're doing a Royal Rumble style.

It's one of the worst ideas we've ever come up with.

We're going to have a number of guests.

They're all going to show up every 10 minutes.

We're going to keep adding guests to it.

How are guests going to get kicked off?

Isn't that the point?

Brian and I will decide when we want people to leave and we'll just ask them to leave.

That's the equivalent to if they bother us, they sort of overstay their welcome or whatever, then we'll boot them out.

I imagine Stephan Heck is not going to make it too long, but we'll see.

We'll see how it works out.

And then for the people who are like, hey, I want to hear, like, that's going to be too crazy.

I think we are going to do a Wrestling guys episode on the guys plus that week as well.

Yeah, on the Patreon, we'll do a real, I mean, we're still going to do it.

We're going to call it a wrestling episode.

Yeah, just to be clear, we are, yeah, we are doing a real one, too.

It's just going to be hard to get to content when there's, you know, eight people on it or whatever, probably.

I think it'll be easy.

I think you guys will, I think you'll have no problems.

It's, yeah, we'll do it as a shoot.

Oh, a shoot

on the Patreon.

But it's, it's a work on the.

It's not a work.

It'll be a shoot.

Okay, so we'll do.

We'll see y'all next week.

Goodbye.

A shoot?