Guys: Episode 139 - Penis Guys with Mike Hale

Genuinely so annoying when the music doesn't start and it's just someone doing some fucking ad before the show.

But I did want to let you guys know that the Geysery is open again October 3rd for patrons, October 4th for the general public.

We have the Violence Gang long sleeve heavyweight t-shirts in white and black.

We have a camo and gray Guardian logo guys

baseball caps.

And we have the Piste Resistance, the Queber Quinby Duality of Man challenge flip coin.

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The prices are reasonable.

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So don't sleep on it.

Now enjoy penis, guys.

Welcome to Guys, a podcast about guys.

I am Brian and

Mr.

All Balls, Chris James, is with us.

I think you have huge balls, Chris.

90% sure you have the most balls of the three people on this call.

Well, listen, I don't want to get into that, but are you saying that it's

if you're saying Mr.

All balls, are you saying that like I have large balls, but it's like

no penis.

Yeah, smallest penis you've ever seen in your life, micro penis, but the world's biggest balls.

So you picture me just having a couple of damn watermelons down there and then, and then, and then just the tiniest little nub of a penis.

That's so small, such a small penis, but huge balls.

You'd be a great candidate for the baldo.

Yes, yeah.

We know all about the baldo, of course.

I think we, do we learn about it from our friends at YKS?

Yes, that's where I learned about it from.

Yeah, that's where I learned about it.

Yeah.

How'd that go?

That was a good YK escapade.

You got to test these products, man.

You can't just go on and talk out of your ass about it.

That's what I appreciate about you guys, you know, is that you do, you're like, yeah, you make sure to inform yourself.

And, of course, we're doing penis guys.

So I brought on one of our favorite guests, DB, Mike Hale.

Hi, Mike.

Hello.

First guest ever.

Our first guest ever and beloved.

And I think, have you ever been on an episode that wasn't explicitly

disgusting?

Yes, he has.

He did long care guys with JF.

That's right.

That's right.

Yeah, but that was YKS, right?

That's different.

I feel like.

he's my favorite guy to do this stuff with.

You know, Mike is because I do.

He sends me pictures of funny penises sometimes, too.

And oh my god, that guy's penis is small, but he's got it holding a small lady in his hands.

John found today that I've been cracking up about all day long.

He goes to like women on Blue Sky

and he will Photoshop them inside of his peehole.

So funny.

One of the funniest pics I've ever seen.

So, yeah, we're going to talk about penis guys.

And a lot of this, non-sex.

These guys,

I don't think you even need to give a crap about sex to be a penis guy.

What is, yeah, I think I'm trying to really understand.

It's just people who are just, they just like penises.

Well, here, listen to this guy.

Okay.

Listen to this guy.

This is from r/slash penis size, which we'll get a lot of stuff from.

This is from Happy Dad of 4, Jesus.

And it says,

compression shorts only at the gym.

48 male, new to gym life.

In the beginning of my membership, I wore briefs and basketball shorts, then eventually moved to compression shorts only, because I don't like the double layers of the briefs and the shorts combo, and I don't like my parts flopping around.

Fortunately, I'm small enough to tuck it if I were the fuck or if I were the tucking type.

But even though women wear the form-fitting sports brawls and yoga pants and shorts i'm picking up vibes that my compression shorts might make them uncomfortable am i the only one here who's comfortable enough to wear only compression shorts so you are so he's getting like a there's like a palatable feeling of

he's getting hard looks yeah like there is it is like he's walking in a room and the vibe is changing in the room stops talking so i'm thinking they're yeah so they're like really tight obviously they're showing off a lot and his point is like, hey, you know, women are doing this as well.

But I think women, it's different, right?

I mean, it is different, right?

It's like there's less like the penis has all the balls and all that stuff.

Yeah, so you got to really look for it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I guess I would say, I would say if you do walk in a room and the discomfort is palatable, you'll probably change that.

Change it up.

Change it up as a sign if

yeah.

Yeah.

Maybe write.

You can feel it.

You can feel it.

Like, everybody's staring at my penis.

What's going on?

It's like, you might need to do something about your penis.

Put a tennis skirt on.

Yeah.

Well, so you're saying because he doesn't like the double layer or whatever.

Yeah.

Or you telekilt.

That's a good point, Mike.

You telekilt.

Yeah, I think you just might have to, in that situation, it's like,

yeah,

there's some, you can go to a nude beach and everyone's going to say, yeah, like you, Chris, you like you go to the nude beach.

But I'm just saying there are places where it's like acceptable to be sort of showcasing your private parts, but in a lot of places.

They have gyms at the nude resorts.

What's the protocol there?

That's a cute business.

I think they do.

I think they do at

towel down.

Yeah, it's towel down everything with these nudists.

Yeah.

With like these nudists, they have to carry a towel around them.

You think it's just a dry towel?

It's got to be more than just a dry towel.

It's one towel.

They could sit down on it.

We've heard them talk about it.

It's a scratchy towel.

Well, they have good towels.

Nudist guys are like top.

Yeah, I imagine, yeah.

Like any hobby or something, they're like, this is the best, most comfortable, softest towel to put on your ass when you're sitting down.

Totally.

Searching it on wire cutter.

Yeah.

Best towel for

nudism.

Yeah.

I mean, towels are always most just to, hey, I don't want to play devil's advocate, but we're all mostly nude when you use a towel, even normal people, right?

I think so it's no different for a nudish you are yeah well you get out of the shower or the bath or whatever right then you use a towel what's an interesting shower table interesting quirky

that i that i that i put that i use a towel no but i actually nude bather okay

This guy goes, I personally wear shorts over compression shorts whenever I wear them.

I don't generally care about bulging, but compression shorts shorts seem a little too on the obscene side for my taste to wear on their own.

If you're not being approached by gym staff asking you to change it, it likely doesn't matter.

Wear what makes you comfortable.

I don't know about that.

I don't know if you need to wait for the state to officially designate your package inappropriate.

I think, you know, again, if you walk into a room and everyone seems to stop talking to each other and

the music stops or whatever, like a record scratch, then I would think just, yeah, just wear a different.

Can I see, Brian?

Can you show me a pair of compression shorts?

Did you ever say compression shorts?

They're just really tight compression shorts.

It doesn't have a picture.

I do know the concept.

I wear compression shorts every day with shorts over them.

Or pants over them.

Yeah, I know.

I wear armachillos.

I don't know if you guys have ever heard of those.

Duluth Trading Company Armachillos.

Oh,

they're underwear.

Yeah, they have jade in them to keep your balls cool.

Ooh, that's cool.

That's nice.

You need that.

You get hot balls.

I do get very hot balls and penis.

It does happen.

So I, I mean, you're gonna be.

I googled it.

I had to Google it.

I had to go what best underwear for hot balls and penis.

But you're making them.

They're making them specifically.

So it means you're not the only one dealing with it, right?

Yeah.

I sorry DB.

What were you saying?

I was just going to inquire about the underwear style.

So are we doing underwear and then compression short and then a short?

Or

just underwear?

So, they're basically an underwear.

You use compression shorts, as an underwear.

They are, I just looked at a photo of them.

They are

underwear.

They're boxer briefs that are long.

They're just long.

They just go down to like above your knee, but they look exactly like boxer briefs.

They're so you don't chafe.

Okay, yeah.

So whole reason for compressionwear.

Yeah, these are underwear.

So this guy's going to the gym in his underwears.

Exactly.

Do that.

Here's another guy who gives them some advice.

Hey, do whatever makes you feel comfortable, and you'll probably embarrass a lot of guys and turn on the women in there if you're hung.

Yeah.

But he said he's not.

He already said he's not.

I understand.

This guy was just like, hey,

if you got a bulge, women won't be fucking so horny for you.

Maybe sometimes, maybe some women would, like,

depending on how they're feeling or whatever, they might see them like, well, that's a big penis.

You know, maybe if they're a size queen or whatever, that's like, you know, but yeah, I feel like maybe they're mostly there to work out.

Here's a thread that happened.

Here's a thread that happens every few days on penis size.

When did you realize you had a big dick?

It happens so much.

There's so many of these.

This is from two days ago.

So he goes, growing up, all I did was play with my Transformers and G.I.

Joe.

I had zero sexual interest in girls.

I realized how big I was my freshman school year in the locker room.

I remember guys looking and my so-called best friend, LOO, nicknamed me Mutant Dick.

To this day, he still calls me that.

When did you realize you were big?

And were you given a nickname?

Not looking for measurements or comparisons, so please don't post.

Looking for some good stories.

There was a friend, and now that I think of it, there was a guy that I knew.

It wasn't like a close friend or whatever, but there was a dude named Luke who was like known to be.

I never seen his penis, but he was known to be hung.

He was known to have like a big one or whatever.

And he did have like a foot.

His nickname was Moose.

And it was like, that was in reference to his Moosecock.

And it was like, that was all anybody called him.

So I think that is a thing that definitely happens for sure.

We didn't have to take our pants off for gym.

Yeah, neither did we.

We never, we never had to do it.

We did underwear.

We could do underwear.

We didn't change in that way.

We didn't have like a change room like that.

I don't know.

Yeah, I forget how it worked i guess we kind of did but yeah it was never a naked we didn't do showers and stuff like that i failed no no not shower i failed gym like twice because i wouldn't change in the locker room yeah because you're you're afraid of embarrassing all the other kids with your huge

with my huge pants yes yes well what i did was i would go in the locker room and smoke cigarettes while everybody was getting changed

and then i'd come walking out in the same clothes and you know the the guys like you're in there fucking smoking again.

Like the gym teacher used to call me a pissant and chase me out of the

locker room smoking cigarettes in there.

This person goes, a pediatrician told me straight to my face when I was under 12 that I was already larger than most adult men.

Why would you?

And that it was like...

Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That doesn't seem like a scientific or like, you know, like, that doesn't seem like an official way to say it.

Brother, I've seen a lot of penises.

You're bigger than my husband's.

That's crazy talk.

Kid, I got to tell you.

Why would you say that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Why does a kid need to grow that anyways?

I'm not sure that it's like beneficial.

Yeah, I'm trying to think of it.

It doesn't seem to really matter.

He goes, and that it would likely grow to be very large.

So he was not done growing.

I think that's what he was saying.

Like, you're not done growing, and you already have a huge man-sized penis.

But again, what is that?

Like, he is going to realize that himself

when it's important.

Why do you need to tell a child that?

It's weird.

Uh, this guy goes, Sex Ed class taught me to measure, so that's when I could put a number next to what I was already thinking.

Now,

I did do

school.

Yeah, no, I never

taught us to measure our penises in sex ed.

No, there wasn't a lot of talk about penis size in sex ed when I was in school.

Yeah, they talked about, I'm trying to think back.

There wasn't a lot of talk about penises, but it wasn't.

Yeah, it did not focus on the size of it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they were going to talk about what you do with the penis, but they weren't like, oh, six to eight inches.

That's above average of a penis.

Like, they didn't tell you.

Showing you a picture of Long Dong Silver being like, so this is going to be at the top end of.

This guy's got a big one.

I don't understand the measuring thing.

They tell you to push the ruler into the fat pad of your fucking

ticket like another inch.

Yeah, you got to get that shit bone press.

No, I mean,

I think you're all right to go with.

I always started sort of bottom of the asshole, you know?

I've never measured.

I'm not lying.

I've never measured and I don't care.

Yeah, when I was young, I mean, I don't care now.

When I was younger, I measured.

It was like a thing definitely with our friends, right?

Where like for whatever reason, we decided that we were going to do that, not together, but like the one we had.

Well, like the week straight, I was measuring it like every day.

And I was panicking because nothing was happening.

It wasn't getting any bigger at all.

Ours was about hair more than size.

Like if you didn't have, like, you had to prove you had pubic hair all the time with me and my friends.

I remember, yeah, Brian.

Yeah, he was always embarrassing.

It's because Aaron did, and believe me, it's because Aaron didn't have any pubic hair the first time he had sex, and the girl told us all.

Wow.

Yeah.

So then it became a big deal around us to be like, oh, well, guess what?

The big dog has me.

Wow, having

sex, having getting laid before you can even grow pubes.

Wow, leadership.

Aaron was truly

the man.

You turn him into the man.

This guy goes, recently, I'm 41 years old and joined Reddit a few months ago.

I was introduced to Calc SD.

I think that's how to do it.

And found out my girth was relatively impressive, even if my length wasn't massively above average.

Being a grower, 6'2, 6'2 inches tall, and relatively bulky, I always thought it was small and also suffered put-downs from mates.

Oh, I see.

So that's nice.

Honestly, he can feel positive, but his friend's like, yo, you got a small dick.

And then he somehow went and took some scientific measurements to figure out that he didn't have that small of one.

This is a crazy website.

Calc SD.info.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

It is.

The penis percentile calculator.

So what does that do?

It tells you what percentile you're in.

I just did mine, and it's enormous.

You've got to have some data sets, right?

You said you've never measured it before, bro.

I'm in the enormous.

I just finished.

Just for shits and girls.

You can't see me.

You can't see me.

Just for shits and giggles.

You want to put 4.2 inches length and

just as a joke.

Just as a joke.

Do you want to do like two inches?

Erect volume.

They give you the erect girth, the erect length, and the erect volume.

What percentile you're at.

I'm not giving that info out, dude.

somebody will steal my identity somebody

yeah if you're lucky to print my shit if you're lucky db they'll steal your identity if that's you're lucky that's all they take

this guy goes uh this here's a question asked too uh facial features and correlation has anyone found that men with large noses or ears have bigger penises i think that's like an old class you know that's like one of those old stupid things that people said or whatever the arm thing yeah like it's one of those ones that's not i i i doubt is real but isn't it that from here to here is how how like your forearm is how long your penis is that's so long when it's hard that's so long dude it's like a foot neck so like a problem

oh a hammer this is something though this i don't remember maybe it's something else somebody will be like oh yeah it's your foot it's your foot size i'm gonna look compared to your middle finger to the bottom of your palm.

Yeah.

That's right.

That sounds more realistic than your entire forearm, TV.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think the forearm is foot size.

But my penis is the same size as my feet.

So

it doesn't matter.

Is it a size six?

Dude, it's not a foot size.

I'm looking at it right now.

It's not foot size either.

It is foot size.

No, it isn't.

It's like three times the size of your foot.

It's how big your foot is.

No, man, it's not.

It's not.

I just put it up against it.

It's not.

Do it.

Brian's doing it.

It's not, is it, Brian?

Be honest.

It is.

It is.

So, has anyone run into a guy with a large nose or that's skinny and has a small penis?

Personal experiences or observations: Are the chances high that any random man that has these features is more likely to have a large penis?

This first guy replies and goes, My friend has quite a large nose

and is on the smaller side.

Yikes,

guy

guy i'm fine yeah he's like he's like just he's got nothing he's not even dealing with this conversation at all and he's getting fucking owned you know he's just like doing his own thing this guy goes science has already looked into this there's no correlation between

i love the idea these guys are the most scientific guys they're plugged into all the studies

they are yes yes they're they're more the only people more plugged into studies are are morning radio DJs.

Morning radio DJs and penis guys know all the studies.

A recent study says, this guy goes, I'm skinny and have a large nose.

I'm six by six inches.

So that's average, right?

That would be the average size.

That's pretty thick, I think.

Oh, pretty thick, yeah, but lengthwise, it's average, right?

I don't know.

Oh, mine's a lot bigger than that.

So

it's huge.

This guy goes, this guy asks in penis, how do I make my balls hang?

Kind of weird question.

I know LOL, but is there actually any way to make the testicle sag lower?

I mean, I think

41.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Why?

Why, why would you want that?

But I guess, like, because there's the things, I don't know what it is physiologically, but you know, when your balls like

pull up kind of and it becomes really, you know, it's cold.

Yeah, when it's cold.

I guess it's just, it's just cold, right?

Probably.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I guess just go and go, maybe a sauna would help them hang perhaps or something weights off of them yeah well there's some suggestions to get weights on them

this guy goes there are such thing as ball stretchers okay but i would

guys know every like it is so funny how much these guys like they're just it all day with their penis and their balls it feels like just all day fucking thinking about it trying to figure things out trying to calculate You know,

he goes, there are such thing as ball stretchers, but I wouldn't use them unless you want to be kicking your nuts every step when you're 80.

Temporarily, warmth triggers a reflexive loosening of the cremister muscle.

So

we had it.

I nailed it.

I nailed the science on that.

Cremister muscle.

Yeah, see, I didn't know the cremister muscle part of it.

I've not sort of at the level of these guys.

It's a thin, striated muscle located in the male reproduction repunk it i give up for that word i'm i'm done with that i'm giving up on that word oh no audio cutouts oh no no no that's what happened

take a look at some rock and roll guys penises uh you think we're gonna actually see them no i wish i mean i could show you uh my guy from typo negative's penis because he showed it off massive

uh so let's see here.

We got,

I'm trying to find a good one that you guys would know because John Bon Jovi.

Oh, I love Bon Jovi.

Back in the day, John was a huge slut, but he's chilled out a little.

John has an average-sized cock, and like a lot of guys, prefers to receive oral than give it.

He has good rhythm, though, and he'll even work.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, where's his like a groupie confession?

That's what it is.

It's like people who, okay.

That's awesome.

It's metal sludge.

Uh, uh, so, and it's just a list.

So, John Bon Jovi,

what is it about the condom?

Sorry, I became he what he'll wear two for you at the same time.

That's what they're saying.

Bon Jovi on metal sludge.

I mean,

I can't get it to hat.

Oh, wait, sorry, metal back there.

Sorry, you don't think Bon Jovi is pretty hard music?

For me, it's like pretty hardcore shit.

It's crazy stuff.

I'm looking for Lars Ulrich, and I'm not quite seeing him.

Oh Zach Delaroca.

I'm pretty sure that Lars has not been late.

Every opportunity he had with like somebody who's like loved Metallica so much he messed it up somehow.

This guy goes Fred Durst.

We got a Fred Durst here.

Fred is an I've seen Fred's penis.

You have?

Yeah.

He's in a sex tape.

Oh, yeah, of course.

So small.

Yeah, it's not that big.

I remember.

I've seen that sex tape too now that I think of it.

Fred is an average Joe, or should I say an average Fred, nothing too big, but nothing too small.

He loves to eat pussy and loves to get oral in return.

He's a little on the kinky side, and he really loves the freaky girls.

Tries to use the press to get date and frequently comes off like a creepy stalker.

Okay.

Now,

so he likes to give oral and receive it.

Maybe somebody wants to tell him about a little something called the 69 position.

That's the best.

Not a single person here has said they're great at 69s.

I think that Fred Durst does seem like the kind of guy who's really into eating pussy, though.

I don't really know why, but he does seem that way.

Dexter Holland from the Offspring.

Okay.

Dexter is hung like a horse and is kind of kinky in bed.

Loves to eat pussy and can fuck like a madman.

Missionary position bores him and he will have you flipping like a pancake.

Somebody you'll have fun with.

Dexter.

Dexter Holland.

Dexter got a big one, eh?

That's it.

Yeah, no, no, no, no.

You get a job.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

I know some of them.

Terrible, man.

This guy goes, there's people that spend years wearing weights on their balls to make them get lower.

I don't know if it works or not, but that is very different than when people talk about warm or cold balls.

I imagine you ask how to get them to hang when cold, and the OP comes back and goes, Yeah, I was thinking of something permanent, but weight on my balls?

That sounds painful.

Gets a reply and goes, Yeah, well, the idea is to do it slow so it doesn't hurt, but the results are questionable, I'd say.

And then he gets one last reply to that.

He goes, It's permanent and it feels good.

Just start slow.

We have a ball weight guy in there, and this guy goes, I think Botox can relax the muscles that contract the sack.

You can get Botox.

You can get, so

yeah, finding out that like you're

someone you know is getting Botox, and then finding out that it's to make their balls go lower.

Oh, you're doing Botox?

Oh, I don't really see it in your, you know.

Oh, no, it's for my balls.

Yeah, it's not, it's, it's, I know you think it's like getting,

but my balls are so long.

Would you like to see them?

Remember when you were growing up and a guy would put his balls through his.

Should put his balls through his like a zipper and then you'd turn around and look and be like, ah, yeah yeah you know

i used to flick them sometimes

put his balls out bang take that bitch

uh this guy goes nothing worse than sitting on one or rolling on one getting in a truck seat now that damn

because i that's one of those big trucks he's he's driving one of those lifted trucks yeah

but i used to do that on my bike all the time

I think everybody sat on their balls on their bike.

Yeah, Mr.

Belvedere did.

Yeah, Belvedere, famously.

Belvedere sat on his balls so bad that they had to fucking cancel the fucking episode.

One night,

one night I went to do stand-up.

Yeah.

In an open mic night, and it was the table at the Surly Girl Saloon.

I wasn't there.

Those people never talked to me, but they were at the table.

And all they were talking about was Mr.

Belvedere sitting on his balls.

It's like, this is the least funny group of people I've ever met.

So you were just hanging with the comics, like at the cellar?

No, no, no, no, no.

I wasn't hanging with the comics.

I was waiting to go on stage.

So I was sitting in one place and they were at a table.

Like the

cool guy.

The cool ones.

Sort of like the cellar.

The cellar, like the table at the cellar, kind of.

You've got your sort of Norton-like figure.

You got your Nick DiPaulo.

Hey, shut the fuck up.

What the fuck do you, you know?

But you're telling me that

they weren't cracking you up?

No.

But they were they cracking each other up?

Oh, dude, they were dying laughing about it.

Seems like that.

Someone didn't get it.

Someone didn't get it, maybe.

Some of the humor.

They're going, no, seriously.

He sat on his balls and brings it up on his phone and stuff.

And I was like, oh, my God.

Okay, but that's funny.

That's what it's like in the mothership.

Green room.

If you can get into the mothership green room, good luck.

It's maybe SEALs out there.

you you gotta be you gotta be ron white you know you gotta be geriatric ron white he looks really weird now ron white you look at yeah i know i know long hair yeah he looks have you seen him recently yeah oh yeah yeah i've seen him on kill tony yeah he was

Is he the one in the elephant graveyard video that's like, what you got in there special, man?

Yeah.

Both rolling comics.

Oh, yeah.

I felt like I was in the.

Oh, yeah.

He's in the elephant graveyard video.

I told you that he, William Montgomery, was like, Oh, you said the n-word in the green room, and William Montgomery says crazy stuff always, but then Ron White, I was like, assumed it was a joke.

And Ron White's like, What?

The context of it, he like would not, he actually explained why he said it.

That's cool,

yeah.

So, uh,

yeah, yeah, the seeing those guys riffing on that was so telling.

I, I think I quit trying

after like that day.

Was just like, it's not going to happen here.

The top guys in town, this is what they're doing at the table.

And, you know, I knew about the table from Opie and Anthony.

You know what I mean?

So I had already known about the table and I knew I wasn't welcome at the table.

So sorry, but just to be clear, what was the place?

What was the venue called?

The Surly Girl Saloon.

The Surly Girl Saloon.

It wasn't a full-time comedy club.

No, no, no.

There was an open mic night going on one night of the week.

So, and you somehow in your mind felt like there was still somehow some sort of table.

There was a table, yeah.

But it was just, it seems like it was just like those were the top guys in town, or top guys, other open mics.

Comedians, well, yeah, but top, they would do shows.

You know what I mean?

Like, they would do non-open mics.

Yeah, yeah, but really bad.

Oh, I know.

I know, it makes sense.

But really bad comedians do non-open mics as well.

I know.

I just mean like

were these the dudes?

Were they like the ones who were like playing the funny, like the comedy club and stuff?

Yeah, some of them were the guys that did the funny bone and some of them like yeah yeah.

I mean relatively successful like they probably drew like 25 people to their shows or whatever.

You know what I mean?

Which is a high number in Columbus.

So they felt like 30.

Yeah, it seems to me like, list, I would have loved you to try to get it.

What about at the live show?

You think about doing five minutes?

I'm writing my act right now for the live show.

I'm going to maybe see if I could do five minutes of Chuck Norris jokes.

Buddy, you do whatever you want.

That's the thing about stand-up comedy, man.

It's the last place where you can say what you want, you know, where you're not going to be censored.

And so you can literally say whatever you want.

You say some of the gnarliest Chuck Norris jokes we ever heard.

I'm Googling Chuck Norris' penis.

I forgot to do that.

So it would, I think that would be fun at the live show if you did it for a while.

How about we just have a table at the live show and charge people like 30 bucks to sit at it?

That's actually kind of cool.

We could have a green room that's like a huge entry, and like people can kind of come in and see what it's like, like us getting ready and stuff.

Oh, here we go.

Chuck Norris once won a world's largest penis contest with a length of 19 and three-quarters inches.

In a news interview following the event, he modestly admitted that he only pulled out enough to barely win.

Oh, he had more.

No, and there was a guy with a 20-inch,

there was a guy with a 19 and a quarter-inch penis.

And wait, I feel like, yeah, I feel like I don't want to get in the weeds on the joke, but I feel like

the committee that would be measuring it or whatever, you wouldn't be able to fool them like that.

Yeah.

You would have to pull it all the way out.

Yeah.

So let's take a look at a question that was asked on Quora.

Have you ever seen a famous guy's penis?

Now, there's only one answer.

It's so weird.

Architect Bob says, yeah, in the mid-70s, I was at Rode America, Elkhart Lake, Wisconsin, racing sports cars.

I was in the locker room taking a shower, and in walks Paul Newman, who was racing as well.

The showers were old communal showers, so no privacy.

Paul just casually undressed and didn't bother to cover his penis.

He was a surprisingly small man in stature, maybe 5'8.

He had a very attractive, rather thick, flaccid, rather thick, 4-inch flaccid penis with balls that hung well below his penis.

We chatted a bit as we were toweling off and wished each other good luck and win racing.

Oh, that's nice.

What a story.

What a how

I wonder how many people he tells that story to.

Paul, oh, you guys, is that Newman's dressing?

Let me tell you about the time.

Let me tell you about his fucking four-inch flaccid penis with balls that are walls.

I'm just descriptive.

I know.

And also

disrespectful.

And like, you know, it's like, this guy's a beloved actor.

Give him six.

Well, he's flaccid.

Force flaccid.

Force is flaccid is probably good.

You're right.

It probably is.

Now that you think about it, but 400,

too, sometimes, I think.

It depends on even what sort of metrics you're using.

But I feel like it just sounds small because you're saying his

nobody talks in flaccid penis sizes, right?

Yeah.

Like nobody

you don't hear it referred to.

So when you hear a four-inch penis, it makes it seem like it's a small penis.

I would think the issue is

that, well, first of all, he wouldn't have been hard.

And you're not going to see of celebrities hard penis.

Well, unless you're having sex with them.

That's a good point.

So like a lot of those, like those, you know, those rocks, the ones that we're reading of the rock star penis,

they would have seen them them hard, probably, right?

Right.

So they would know.

Uh, so Maynard from Tools on here

has a nice average-sized cock, about six to six and a half inches, loves oral sex, but only with his favorites, loves anal sex.

We'll take you to an adult toy store and buy you whatever sex toy you want, and we'll make you use them, bro.

We'll buy you whatever toy.

Stocking up.

What a date.

What a date.

Anything in this whole store that I want, yeah, like

freaking uh pretty woman shopping freestyle inside the sex store,

lady trying to buy the most expensive thing in the store, like you did when you were a kid.

Your parents are like, Take you to the toy store, and they'd be like, get whatever.

And you're like, okay, well, I gotta get the biggest, most expensive thing.

I guess I'll have that

the big giant silicon slab penis and ass

and sell it on the secondary market, you know?

Oh, I wonder.

He goes,

he loves orgies and group sex, hosts adult sex parties at a hotel.

Wait, who?

Maynard from Tool.

Wow.

Maynard is a fucking sex guy, a swinger, like a pineapple lifestyle kind of dude.

Seems like the description I'm reading feels like a pineapple lifestyle kind of guy.

You know?

He could be a bull.

You're telling me Maynard from Tool might be a bull?

Could be a cuddle, too.

It he's affectionate, but at times conservative.

He has a sarcastic, dry sense of humor, which can rub people the wrong way.

He's a little bit more.

Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's stick.

This is a piece of music.

This is about it, right?

What are we talking about here?

I don't care about his personality.

Which can rub people.

He's clean and shaven everywhere.

May not be the best looking.

Wait, wait, wait.

He's got no pubic hair at all.

Wow.

Okay.

That's interesting.

That is interesting.

You know how many people, how many guys I saw that shave everything?

And I was like, oh.

Where?

The balls and stuff.

No, no, where did you see them?

On Reddit when I was prepping.

Oh, they were just taught you.

Oh, I thought you meant like added it somewhere.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that is odd to me.

I would think that that wouldn't.

Like, I guess.

Maybe if you're like in porno or like a or like an exotic dancer or a swimmer or a drink.

I don't even think swimmers do it.

There was a re, if there's a reason for it, but yeah, I I would think to me, at least, because I think I did do it when I was younger, you know, teenager or whatever.

I like did it.

Yeah.

Well, I got an afro down there.

Okay.

And

I would just feel like it looks like a big baby penis.

You know, like when you take off the pubic hair, like it just looks weird.

Like it like has a weird, you need the pubic hair on there.

So I don't know.

I could never, I could never rock that myself.

Well, guys, I searched for the most expensive penis pump on

Love Honey.

What are these?

These are to get your penis bigger or to make them hard, or what is the exact

I'm going to show you the picture of this thing.

It looks crazy.

So it's pretty nice stuff.

Yeah.

You know,

it looks like a tool.

It's $350

or $349.99.

I'm trending DSA with this thing.

It's called the Bathmate Hydro Extreme.

Bathmate.

It'll clear seven to nine inches.

If you got seven to nine inches,

I know.

That's unrealistic.

Like, anybody that gets real woke about this.

Wait, what's what's I'm I'm I'm unclear.

So it says Bathmate Hydro Extreme 9 penis pump clear seven to nine inches.

So it's like means you can get to seven to nine inches?

I think it is good enough for seven to nine.

Because some of these are smaller.

There's like different smaller sizes.

Oh, so it's oh, it's clear.

So that's what it's saying.

That's a different thing.

Clear.

And then saying it's set.

So this is for people who are seven to nine inches.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So the big boys, the big fellas.

The big dogs.

So what do they need to pump?

It says penis pump that uses hydraulic pressure to potentially enhance erection size and stamina.

For men with pre-pumped erection length of seven to nine inches and maximum girth of 7.5 inches.

Measurement gauge on your cylinder so you can track your your gains.

Handheld ball pump for alternative pumping motion.

Swivel function allows 360 degree pivoting for use in any position.

So

this is electric, I believe.

Hopefully you pump it up too much.

Like a

basketball or something.

I don't know.

Oh, no.

This guy gives it five stars.

And he says, well, he only gave it an orgasm rating of one out of five.

We gave it good reviews.

Oh, I think probably he didn't use it to orgasm, maybe.

Because that's why this guy's dick looks like when you have one of those exploding cigars in the cartoons.

Because he fucking left it plugged in overnight or something.

This guy ghost does all it says it will.

Have to respect the device and your own limitations.

Since using it and trying to go for gold, I've experienced all the side effects they said may happen.

Red spotting, quote, donut big, the whole smack.

Nevertheless, through tedious and meticulous discipline regarding usage, it's added an inch to my circumference and three-quarters of an inch to my length fully erect.

So, so this is a thing.

This is not nonsense.

This is a real.

I always assumed that this was a, like, that this was a joke, a gag.

Yeah, like, I always assumed it was a joke when we were younger.

We would learn it, you know, it'd be like in the back of some porno magazine or something like that.

And it always seemed like it was like a rip-off.

Like, it was like a classic scam or whatever i would say though that if you're paying 350 for it it might do something because i'm the reviews here's here's another four star good pump good pump for my junk but seriously if you're a little above average in girth it's worth getting this model in my opinion tried the hydro extreme seven and was immediately at max girth capacity and with the extra half inch on this model it gives you a little room to grow compared to the seven model i've only been been using it for a few weeks.

I've been jelking a few months now, and I'm absolutely thicker.

The only problem I really had was it takes a little practice to get used to using the pump.

The hand grip can pull off the pump quite easily, which can be annoying, and the valve can be easily flicked to the side, preventing you from releasing pressure if it's closed.

These features are necessary to the pump's functionality, though, so it's really not a big deal.

It just takes a little practice.

This is, it does it, so I'm just wondering, like, how much work do you have to put it?

Like, this is my, so listen, if it's something and it's like, hey, you pop this little thing on, it's just like a tube and you pump for a minute, a night, you know, then it's like, whatever, whatever.

It's not something I would do, but you can't really judge people.

There's a huge emphasis on penis size in society still on some level.

So it's like, hey, if it's a little bit of work, but how much work is it?

Are they spending a lot of their time and effort learning how to do this, cleaning it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Assembling, disassembling.

disassembling how and just like and how how much do you have to pump and like how much of this is is of their life is this taking up i never really got the answer to how often people do it this guy goes five stars yeah this shit goes hard

it fit my huge nine inch hammer perfectly and just went to town like i can't explain

Like I can't explain the satisfaction.

It did a better job than my BF for sure.

Like, that man cannot pump my penis like this thing.

Hopefully, he learns, but until then, this is my new BF.

Wow.

I feel bad for his BF, honestly.

His BF is trying.

Well, we're all being replaced by these.

This is honestly basically a microcosm of what's happening in society in general.

We're all going to end up getting a lot of money.

Replaced

micro extreme fucking bathroom penis pump.

This one is more

reasonable price-wise.

$54.

And I'll tell you what, though, you're looking at it and it does look cheap.

It does look cheap compared to the other one.

It does.

The other one looks like a like it's made in like a

Airstream, one of those trailers.

It looks like something you'd see in like a Marvel movie or something.

The other one.

This one seems like just like a plastic thing with like a little rubber

valve.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So it walks into the room and like Spider-Man's pumping his penis.

That's a nice like Tony Stark gave me this before he died.

Yeah.

I mean I think we all know though Stark would be he'd be the one pumping though, right?

Stark would be the kind of guy who'd be doing the pumping.

Yeah, Spider-Man's young.

Reviewed by J-O-B.

This is five stars getting thicker.

This pump is amazing.

It has great suction, and I've been using it for over a year.

My penis is only about three-quarters of an inch longer, but it's way thicker and feels heavier all the time.

Feels heavier.

Oh, God, I'm actually

walking around.

I'm going to stop bumping too much.

I love the idea.

Like, he's weighing it.

He's laying it off like one of those scales.

Girlfriend starts, like, puts it in her mouth, and like, whoa, like her mouth drops down.

Holy shit.

oh wait whoa whoa whoa wait this thing is too much this is heavier it is crazy or it's just heavier

my penis is only about three quarter he goes my penis hits the end of the tube because i'm already eight inches but the girth has gone from five to six inches wife loves the thickness i use it almost every day but i do three sessions five minutes each there you go there you go so that's so 15 minutes a day three different sections.

And you have a wife and like a house and a job.

Yeah, that's crazy to stop at your day three different times to pump your penis, even if it's only for five minutes.

I mean, he's not closing deals.

He's on the phone closing deals, pumping his penis.

I got to go home for lunch today.

And also,

my coffee break later,

I'm going to need to take five and go fit in the bathroom.

Yeah.

This guy should spend the $350.

The amount he's using.

Yeah.

You know, get a go.

That one's probably more efficient.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I do three sessions, five minutes each.

The veins are bulging and it just looks beefy.

Love this product.

It just looks beefy.

Oh, this thing is looking beefy.

Feel it heavier or feel it heavier all the time.

This guy gave it five stars and it just says fun.

Bought

out of longtime curiosity, having first seen a penis pump on the austin powers film as a kid

this guy saw it in that he saw the penis pump on austin powers and i was like i gotta get one of these that's not mine oh that was a very that was a very funny scene when i was younger i i loved that scene well yeah it's funny though Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, it never.

Moving on the idea of the penis pump and this guy's like, I saw a movie.

I got to get one.

Although Austin Powers is kind of fucking cool.

Right?

like like austin powers is like kind of suave he's like is he a ladies man no he's not ladies actually don't like him or do they i forget they love him they so if they love him it kind of that kind of was almost pro-penis pump then right he's not some like loser who doesn't like he's like a cool suave spy who also uses a penis pump so i think the penis pump companies must have actually loved that

Yeah, baby.

He says that.

Yeah, yeah.

Do I make you horny?

Yeah.

Do I make you Randy?

He says, yeah.

Yeah.

That's the only clip we'll ever cut of the show, and it's me quoting off.

That's what this show is.

It says, fun.

Oh, he goes, had to try it, had to try it straight away and so pumped away and enjoyed it very much.

Very weird, but very fun sensation.

So he's just having fun doing it.

That's actually kind of a nice message.

It's like, even if you don't get the results, you could just have fun along the way.

It's like kind of a

recreationally pumping my penis, it's a little good thing I do.

Oh, yeah, no, I'm not looking for length or girth, actually.

I'm just like, this is a recreational thing for me.

I just enjoy hearing it.

All right, this is

from uh, I found this on the subreddit r/slash come bigger loads.

Yeah,

yeah, uh,

by the way, R/slash Come Bigger Loads isn't even NSFW.

What?

This is called Load Boost.

Load Boost.

That's pretty straightforward.

Semen volume, sperm health, and men's fertility, 120 capsules, one month supply.

This thing's got a 3.8 star rating on Amazon, which is extremely low, by the way.

Not good because people love everything.

Yeah, yeah.

Anything under four is not something you should be buying entirely on.

I'll help you if you have some of these in the medicine cabinet and your mother-in-law comes over.

Has a headache.

No, it's for lifting.

It's for lifting things.

Yeah.

That's what I would say.

She's going to be a little bit more likely to be able to do it.

Oh, it's somebody who's lifting weights.

Well, this is $44.95.

You can subscribe and save, though.

Say $30.

So this is something you take regularly, sort of like a supplement kind of thing.

Yeah.

Does it even work?

Well, this is a four-star review review from Johnny.

Which, by the way, again, when you review things on Amazon, people can know that it's you, I think, right?

Like, you could follow a guy around Amazon.

I don't know if that's the case.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Look, yeah, I don't know if that's the case, but you're right.

These people obviously don't mind being associated with this thing, like

with my favorite product, Load Boost.

Yeah, you can see people's other reviews if you click on their

i got i i will look at this guy but this guy's johnny says four stars product works increase volume four out of five okay i'm a 40-year-old male 450 pounds product did increase semen volume i'd say it was doubled or tripled i took about two to three a day for two weeks before seeing results tried to keep hydrated but wasn't always successful but still worked no weird side effects to my knowledge.

I'd say give it a try and see for yourself.

We all want a big load here, so let's try something that works.

We all here for the same reason.

We're all here for the same reasons.

Listen, I understand.

Stop fighting over there in the corner.

We all want a bigger load here.

Let's come together.

I gotta say,

I do not think I care about load size.

Yeah,

I don't know if this guy's 40 years old.

Yeah, that does seem like something younger me cared about maybe, but I really sort of, hey, my load did the trick, made a baby.

That's really, you know, it was enough for that.

That's really my main concern at this point.

Yeah, why do you want a big load for what?

For what?

It also seems like a thing, one of those things that only guys care about.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, like, I don't know.

Like, listen, of course, again, not to get too sexual or whatever, but there's obviously women who are are like really big into common, like, you know, that type of situation.

But I think in general, yes, most women would be happy with a regular size logo

versus a huge one.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh,

fill out two solo cups.

It's like, I don't want that.

It's like more of an inconvenience, really, than anything.

Yeah, it becomes a huge mess, obviously.

It's going to clean it up.

It gets on the bed.

It's on your pants.

Yeah, why is this guy?

I would love to be able to follow up with

this 40-year-old man and say, why at 40 years old are you looking for a bigger load?

This guy goes, I'm 53 years old.

Okay, 50,

53 years old, brother.

Just

whatever load you got going on is fine, man.

That's your load.

That's your load.

If you're having an orgasm, be happy that you're having an orgasm.

That's it.

This guy goes, yeah, he goes,

I've been taking these pills for about a couple.

Oh, no, he goes, I'm 53 years old and I have never pre-ejaculated.

After taking these pills for about a couple of weeks, not only did it boost my semen, I get pre-ejaculation sometimes after urinating.

I've had confirmation that's too late.

Wait.

Is there other stuff happening other than the urinating?

He's nutting a little bit.

He's taking a fist.

He's getting a little nutty.

See, that doesn't seem, again,

I don't want to be nutting against my,

like,

you know, like when I'm just like sitting there and all of a sudden I'm nutting.

Like, there's that guy who has a disorder.

I love talking about him, the guy who could never stop coming.

I saw a TLC thing about him.

And he was like,

dad's funeral, and he couldn't stop coming.

Yeah, it's still really wild.

It's kind of the ultimate funny thing you can do at your dad's funeral.

It's like exacerbated by like the thing where it's like, well, you're in a situation where you're not supposed to laugh.

Yeah.

Oh, I mean, DB.

Even harder.

I got to tell you, listen, my dad somewhat recently passed away, and I would be lying if I said at his funeral, it did not cross my mind the guy who couldn't stop coming at his dad's funeral.

I mean, I would kind of think it would be good because it feels nice.

You know what I mean?

No, but it's embarrassing, obviously, right?

It's a humiliating.

But anyway, to bring it back to this guy, he's happy that cum is just sort of dribbling out of him every every now and then yeah yeah yeah yeah i've been wanting to pre pre-jack pre-ejaculate he wants the pre-cumbers

but i and i understand pre-cum is a but is it pre-usually means before

the full come

yeah so not after you pee that that's why i'm saying is he like pre

he's just peeing and then that he's just having a little bit of a come is he like is he finishing afterwards

i mean i don't think you can do that.

Like at work.

Yeah, so this is what I'm saying.

So he's like, listen, he's not really doing a pre-come.

He's doing a little cum dribble.

Well, no, it's probably not a little dribble.

It's a lot.

Yeah.

This guy goes five stars.

Load boosted.

Not even joking.

Been with my girlfriend for 11 years at this point.

Never worn protection and never once had a pregnancy scare.

I'm not even joking.

After taking these for one month, she got pregnant within the second month of me taking them.

That's awesome.

That's what you want to hear if you're the manufacturer of the product.

Their product?

I'd like to check that one off.

I'm going to go to the HQ.

I'd like to do some forensic analysis to see where the origins of that account are.

If they might be over at Load Boost Incorporated,

I'll see if I can find him.

This guy goes

one star.

Oh.

Sounds like somebody's load was not boosted.

Took pills as directed and got a massive headache not long after.

My heart started racing as well.

And I almost took myself to the ER.

I also felt.

Oh,

that would be a tough trip to the ER explaining to the intake.

You gave yourself an internal cum shot, sir.

Your

calm went straight up to your brain and heart.

sir i i i

okay

i took load boost like you have to whisper it to the lady at the triage

no don't worry about me it's just load boost i'm not gonna die

My heart started racing.

Can we give some like charcoal that might like deactivate the load boost?

Do you have load minus?

Can you give me something to tamp down this load?

He goes, I also felt like my loads were less than normal after taking this, so I would not recommend at all.

Buyer beware.

Less than normal.

17 people found this helpful.

Oh, so there were other people that found that it did not help and gave them headaches.

This guy goes, word to the wise.

I wish I had looked up side effects before taking this.

The stomach pain, diarrhea, and bloating started the night of day three.

I stopped taking it after day three, and three days later, I'm still experiencing the same side of pain.

Uh, have you considered having a jack off and seeing how much cum comes out to cheer yourself up?

It is

to take something like that and get diarrhea is

and it's all calm when you shit it out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, so DB sent us a guy that has, he ordered two penis pumps,

So two of them.

He also ordered a biker jacket.

That's so cool.

And a lightsaber, two-pack.

Two-pack of lightsabers.

This would be a really fun thing to do.

Just look at, you know, people's order, like get an idea of the man, you know?

Like, I know, I was like trying to sign, I'm not signed in to Amazon, so I can't look at that.

Okay, well,

here I found some reviews of Ox Balls squeezed two-inch ball stretcher.

Of course, I'll show you guys a picture of this.

And I think that's a brand.

I don't think it's a brand.

I think it's a type of thing.

It's called the Ox Balls.

So I think Oxen must have huge balls or something.

So this is just something you put around your...

It's like a little, looks like a plastic or silicon thing, like clear

thing that you yeah that you just sort of put around the base of your balls and let them $19 $19.99 which I'm going to say this it's kind of cheap and I'm going to tell you why what kind of materials you're making this thing out of like you know what I mean but why not just buy a fucking why not just get a rubber band Yes, that's a really good, I think that if that's

what it does this have any claims does it do anything?

Like, does it say that it does something different with the design?

It just stretches your balls.

That's what it says.

Yeah, so you're right.

Then, just any sort of anything to constrict that area or whatever seems like it would work the same.

You got to go rubber band mode.

So, this first review is five stars.

He gave it five stars for design,

four stars for ease of use.

Well, yeah, it did sort of

wrapping your balls up.

Quality, he gave five stars.

Okay.

Five stars.

Quality on the ball stretcher is

a little funny.

Five stars, like luxury could not be any better.

There's no room for improvement.

There's zero room for improvement.

Well, unfortunately, though, it gives you one, he gives it one star for orgasm rating.

But again, why?

Well, it's not meant to give you an orgasm.

I think that's maybe why

they're giving it a one-star rating, right?

And five stars for value.

He goes, good fit and comfy.

For me, not erotic.

Others may have more joy.

So yeah, he didn't get horny or come from it at all.

He didn't pre-ejaculate.

But that's not, I don't, but this is meant to stretch your balls out.

I guess, oh, some people like that in a sexual way, right?

People love it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, that makes sense.

He goes, wonderful feeling.

I've been thinking about buying a ball stretcher.

So, these guys aren't, maybe, these guys aren't doing it to make their balls longer.

They're doing it for some sexual gratification a lot of the time or something.

Yeah, like an FM type thing, maybe, or something like that.

I just like the idea, like, the things I think about buying in the future are like a car

or, like, you know what I mean?

Like, ah, this guy's had a penis pump locked away in the back of his head for.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's like, I'd like a new car, a new motorcycle,

and a ball stretcher.

It's been something I've been thinking about lately.

Just my wife will love it.

And that's the other thing.

I never get the money together.

$20.

He goes, wonderful feeling.

I've been thinking about buying a ball stretcher for a while now, and I'm very pleased I purchased this one.

It's not only a great fit, but also gives a lovely pool on my balls and feels wonderful when having sex or masturbating.

Now that

he's putting this thing on

to whack off, which I think is really something.

He goes, hoping that over time it makes my balls hang a bit lower.

So, this guy loves this.

What's on my bucket list?

Interesting.

I was hoping to stretch my balls out a little, whack really far out.

I want those goddamn things to be crazy long.

Like, think about the longest balls ever.

Now, stretch them a little more.

Double that.

Bouncing.

This guy gives it four stars.

He gives design four stars, ease of use five stars, and orgasm rating three stars.

So this guy did have an orgasm, it sounds like.

Yeah, but not a great load.

Not a great load.

But if you're rating it three out of five for orgasm rating, that has to say you did at least get one, right?

And the load was probably tiny.

Well, who knows?

You know what I mean?

Who knows

what he's working with and what he's stacking.

Who knows what he's stacking as far as it is?

But

he gave it three stars.

You know what I mean?

So it probably came out a little watery or something.

But I don't know if,

like, I don't know.

Certainly the orgasm rating, I guess, could be centered on the load, but I thought it would be the feeling of the orgasm, wouldn't it?

Mostly.

Yeah, this guy goes, this is so comfortable.

You could wear it all day.

It also makes for a good way to show off your package.

So

that's pretty nice.

This guy goes, first timer loves it.

Five stars.

I'm new to male sex toys.

I like low hangers, but never considered weight.

I like low hangers.

I've been hoping to have low hangers someday.

He goes, never consider weights.

Saw this and thought I'd give it a try.

Put it on for the first time this morning.

Used a little shea nut oil.

Funny.

Shea nut oil.

Good one, guy.

To lubricate it.

Used both hands to stretch the squeeze wide to let my balls drop through.

Gently released.

Yeah, see, that's scary.

That's scary to me.

So what happens if you can't get it off of there?

You know, you got to go to the hospital.

I hate being around my balls so much.

You know what I mean?

Like, I don't, I don't, I don't like fucking anything going on with your balls.

I agree.

Like, I think, I think a lot of guys feel that way, right?

Where it's like, it really makes, gives you that feeling in the pit of your stomach, like thinking about, like, compression on your balls or, like, anything like that.

You know, it just, it's, yeah, or like a lady kicking you in the balls with high heels or something like that.

Yeah, just drive me nuts.

Like a lady who's like fucking six foot four, like, taller than you and, like, stronger than you, fucking kicking you in the balls with these fucking red eye heels.

You call that piss me off.

It hurt too much.

I think that that, like, for me at least, yeah, that is like the idea of this is not just like, it's, it's, it like makes me feel bad, like, uncomfortable thinking about, like, squeezing balls in a thing like that.

But it could give you a five-star orgasm.

Listen, Sky.

I hate to tell you, DB, I'm doing five five-star orgasms a day, buddy.

Five-by-steps.

Five-by-fives all day, all week.

How many times?

Sky Brian, when was the last time you had an orgasm?

I'm not telling you that.

This guy had, I have them all the time.

I come after I pee.

Pull up your spreadsheet.

Let's see it.

I'm measuring my load.

Sorry.

They've been pathetic lately, and I really need to get myself.

This guy that bought

load

booster also bought

underwear, and it says four stars.

These are roomy and comfy.

I give them five stars, but they're a bit pricey compared to the competition.

So

somebody writes back, somebody from the company writes back saying, these are not meant to be roomy.

That is very true.

That is,

yeah, this guy seems to have mostly bought deodorant and

load boost and underwear.

He's a big underwear.

One of the guys I clicked on bought the load boost pills, and then he also bought like a pistol holster.

Body bit.

i'm about to shoot some loads and shoot some loads

so he goes um

he i could feel a slight pull as my balls were pulled down loved how it felt kept it on for about four hours before i gave the twins a break after an hour or so i twined

He goes, after an hour or so, I put it back on.

I think this is going to be addictive.

I think this is a match made in heaven.

Just like out of a movie, you know, like looking across the room at the fucking ball compressor.

Halloween's coming up.

Oh, yeah.

And

everyone got their inflatables?

I don't do inflatables.

They're lazy.

We hate inflatables.

We hate them around here.

Honestly, I don't have a yard anymore.

And truly, though, if you think, if you're busting on inflatables, you're sick.

Go old school real decorations.

It's a out to do the inflatables.

That's true.

And they're expensive as hell.

Oh, yeah.

They're overpriced.

The inflatable market is insane.

It's like the amount of power they have as well is

really troubling.

I mean, do you guys have the people that have inflatables all year round in their front yard?

Because

there are people in the neighborhood I like Halloween inflatables

that would have Halloween inflatables.

They'd have Thanksgiving inflatables.

They'd have Christmas inflatables.

They have spring inflatables.

Like Easter.

So they're always just replacing one with another.

They have a rotation.

No, I don't think it.

Maybe in my old neighborhood there was somebody who did that.

But yeah,

I don't see it too often.

I want to live in that kind of rich neighborhood that you're describing, where there's inflatables all year round.

Yeah, thank you, Brian.

Sorry, we all don't live in the most expensive ramparts of wherever you live.

Of our town in a big palatial kind of fucking.

I live in an apartment.

Yeah, the apartment.

You know those things that it's like, this guy's like, I live in an apartment.

It's like one of those things in Manhattan.

It's like three floors at the top of it.

It's like 6,000 square feet.

Not that many square feet.

Now people are saying it's 17,000 square feet as though it's just fact.

That's what I heard.

I apologize if I got the numbers wrong, but that was what I went online and read it, and that was what I read.

I can look, okay, and tell you my...

Don't say that.

You don't have to say it real square footage.

Here's the address.

You don't have to say the real square footer.

Here, let me give you the address so you can search it.

16,

don't do that, really.

I'm not going to edit this out.

Don't make work for me like that.

It's just 1,677 square feet.

Yeah.

Good God.

That's not huge.

That's why I knew.

I mean, I said, that's why I said 17,000 because I knew it was 1,700.

So I was doing it.

That's a joke.

That's not bad.

It's really big.

I don't think that's very big.

It's quite big for an apartment.

Definitely.

It's not.

This guy, Halloween costumes for bigger guys.

As a more well-endowed guy, I've always had the challenge of trying to pick out a costume for Halloween parties that doesn't make me look like a huge pervert walking around with a dick bulge.

It's not that hard, you fucking idiot.

Look at it, like a robe or something.

Buddy, there's like a million.

It's a Halloween.

You could do any costume.

Yeah, you can't be certain costumes.

You know, that's all.

He goes,

Halloween parties that don't.

Oh, he goes, some ones that I've learned are are off-limits.

Spider-Man.

Yeah.

Or really any hero in tights.

Mummy.

Why is that?

You could

hide your penis.

Yeah.

You can hide your penis in a mummy outfit.

Yeah.

Easily.

Easily hide your penis in a mummy outfit.

And track athlete.

That, okay.

That's not even a cost.

That's not a cost.

And then also you could be that because you could wear like a track suit, right?

You could wear like a, right?

You could wear like the overmove suit or whatever over top of the shorts.

You could wear like a like a cup or something for your Spider-Man outfit, right?

Yeah, yeah,

this guy is.

This guy sounds like

a buddy.

Sounds like you, God gave you a big dick and a small imagination.

Sounds like you're

bored and you're bragging.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, just that's a lot of the penis side subreddit.

It's just guys being like, yeah.

He goes, anyone got any tips?

Maybe making one of these work.

I hate having to limit my options.

And the first reply is so weird.

It says a dice.

Yeah.

No, I'm right.

Because it's like a big baked dice.

You could be so hot.

Typically, there's two of them.

Yeah.

Why would you just be the one?

Well, maybe.

Yeah, a dice.

Listen, I.

Oh, I don't have it here with me, but I bought the thing.

I made the mistake of buying what I thought was a footrest that's a dice, and I didn't look at the measurements, and it was really tiny.

Really tiny.

So I kept it because I thought it was funny.

Um, but yeah, I mean,

it really gives you a lot of room for penis inside of that.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, I just never seen anybody dress as a dice.

Well, so, so you're telling me it's a fucking fantastic and original idea as well.

Never even heard of it as an idea, like for that to be that.

This guy is just only thinking about somewhere where you could put your penis.

He's like, stop thinking about like a costume or anything, really.

Oh, wow, it's expensive to be dice.

I just found one.

$469.

Dice lightweight mascot costume.

You can add a cooling fan for $19, a cooling vest for $49,

and a storage bag for $69.

Which you're going to buy all those for sure.

You got to get the add-ons, yeah.

So, yeah, you can buy.

I've just never heard of somebody dressing as dice.

No, I've never seen it.

I think it would be really sort of, it's one of those ones where it would be just difficult to move around in,

and it would be big and cumber you'd be knocking into things all the time or whatever well now here's a smart guy fashion a large bed sheet into a toga it won't cling to the body and everyone will have no idea then get something else greek and go as a greek warrior

what

a Greek warrior in a toga see i don't think the greek warriors wore toga and if you're gonna be a warrior yeah why don't you just put on like you know

like a cod piece yeah just like right just like dress in or like there's just this is just a dumb again this is just a guy with a big penis because he just wants

to be a guy who wants to talk to other guys about penises yeah that's all that's probably what it is because this is such an absurd like premise the idea that like i hate having to limit myself to not going as spider-man or a mummy yeah

i mean those are two common ones more common than dice yeah

maybe aladdin He has some large pants.

Or Greek God.

Something loose would be the best option if you don't want people to see your package.

Well, yeah, that's the

idea.

That's the idea.

I do like that he said Aladdin.

Like, it's the first choice because Aladdin wears those baggy pants.

Yeah.

MC Hammer?

MC Hammer?

You could go with MC Hammer with those big hammer pants.

Oh, I'd love a pair of those big.

I wanted those hammer pants so bad.

What were they called?

Those Zubaz, right no that's that's something else yeah because hammer's pants were crazy i had a pair of zubaz dude you should i had two pairs you should bring those back

i should wrestlers are still wearing them all brian's we're thinking about getting jankos

oh yeah i am thinking about buying some but they're a little too big no but for me this guy doesn't understand jankos

they actually do have they actually do have like more slim fit ones on the janko website but i'm like that's i don't know what you want to get you want to get the actual jankos right i can't wear those around why literally why not growing up i wore them a lot

drag all over the ground and stuff well then you got it's i mean you could you know you got to get the right length or whatever but but yeah i think you can wear you're one of the people who can definitely wear those around right like

why would you i suppose they're they're they're a logistical nightmare a lot of times you know because they do they drag across the ground, you pick up all kinds of shit off the road.

And even back then, I didn't live downtown.

I think it's much grosser now to be dragging my pants all over the road downtown.

You know what I mean?

There's no way to make them not drag.

Maybe a shorter leg.

It's part of the thing.

Shorter leg, maybe.

Coulots.

Yeah, no, you're right.

I know.

You are, it's part of it.

Listen,

I will see.

I know you are the

expert on Django.

I wore those fucking things every day.

Yeah.

I had like three pairs.

I had a maroon pair.

I had a pair of.

You wore three pairs of pants every day.

Yes.

Yes.

It's like that guy that pumps his penis three times a day.

I'd go into the school locker room and change it three times a day.

This guy.

What time does it?

Cueber got his afternoon fucking Djangos on,

rotating.

Afternoon Jankos.

I knew a dude who would wear like the jeans, but he would wear like basketball shorts underneath the jeans.

And then like, I guess, underwear underneath that.

Oh, like you could see the top of the basketball shorts.

Isn't that fucking hot on your shit, man?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's uncomfortable.

It seems incredibly uncomfortable.

Sliding around, swishing around, and pants falling.

My favorite things was the 40-ounce pocket where everybody would carry a 40 of beer in the back pocket because you couldn't see it out of the pants.

So we would just walk around the neighborhood just getting fucking drunk.

Not me.

I don't like getting drunk and I don't like beer.

Or malt liquor, which we were all, everybody was drinking that at the time.

So what were you doing?

You were like, huh, well, I don't really want to park.

He was in his books.

What were you doing when they were drinking the beer?

Either would do Sanide Special Brew or Little Sids, Gin and Grapefruit.

Okay, so you were getting drunk.

I see.

Just in a different way.

That's better.

Okay, that makes more sense.

All right, we got one more thing.

Genuine question for everyone.

As a big penis owner, who enjoys the community here?

I try my best to participate in discussions and a put yourself in their shoes kind of way to avoid accidentally coming off as humble bragging or belittling.

My question is: aside from the obvious trolls, size bullies that will always exist in penis Reddit, I know that penis size is a very sensitive topic for a lot of us are there ways that genuinely well-intentioned big guys and honestly this question applies to comments from guys of any size but i can only ask as a big guy talking threads that regardless of intent still end up perpetuating negativity insecurity shame big average small dick stereotypes or belittling each other other people just curious if there are social blind spots that are exclusive to whatever size category you're in so yes this question this guy guy goes, as a small guy, 4.5 by 4.5, which I think that means he's got a square piece.

Minecraft dick, yeah.

He's got a Lego block.

This guy's dick looks like Joe Rogan.

For God's sake.

Because I appreciate when hung guys are just honest about their experiences.

It's interesting and more respectful than hedging everything out of concern for sensitivity.

The more you veil the advantages and perks, the more we suspect they're greater than we imagine.

Just don't be mean.

So he's like.

Tell us of what you've done.

Just don't, please don't talk down to us.

This guy goes, I believe every man would love to have a big dick.

I know, I wish I did.

It would be fun to show off.

I'm an actor.

Fun to show off?

Yeah, sure.

I don't know about that.

Like, you know, you don't get opportunities really to show off your dick and unless there's got to be a place you can go to show off your dick though.

I guess you could be one of those male exotic dancers that do those dancing bear videos where they like go to a place and a bunch of bachelor party ladies suck on their penis.

Yeah, you could be one of those guys.

And

you know, or you could

go to locker rooms at gyms and stuff, but like it just it seems there's something very odd about participating in that kind of thing.

Like going, working out of the gym, going into the locker room, but you really your whole thing is you're just looking to show up.

Show up.

Hey,

is that

a

huge fucking cock?

Sorry, I didn't mean to.

I know that you're busy over here, but I just had to.

Is that yours?

It's very, very big.

Yeah.

What kind of perks are there to that?

Huge cock.

I'm curious.

This guy goes, I believe every, okay.

He goes, I'm an average dick.

I've been with over 50 beautiful women and a couple of fellas and a couple of ugly ones.

I've been with over 50 beautiful women.

My size never stopped me.

Sexy comes in all sizes.

LOL.

Still would like to have a big one.

Ha ha.

Yeah.

I've been with over 50 beautiful women and a few men.

Oh, he said a few.

Yeah, he goes, I've been with over 50 beautiful women and a couple fellas.

This guy goes, IQ is a good analogy, especially as mine is 148.

Because there's nothing you can do to increase what genetic hands you.

I was in Mensa for a while.

Those guys literally talk about nothing else except for when they're discussing eugenics.

It's as easy for someone with a larger than average penis to say size doesn't matter as it is for someone blessed with intelligence to say IQ doesn't matter or a basketball player to to say height doesn't matter.

Where one is in relation to the average can be an inherent advantage or handicap.

It's disingenuous to claim otherwise.

If you happen to be born on third base, it's a preposterous, humble brag to say that made no difference.

Listen, nerd, we're talking fucking cocks around here doing nasty fucking jock talk, okay?

This guy came in and just bored the crap out of me.

I know.

He comes rolling in there.

It's like, I'm in fucking immense time.

But I found them to be a little bit

beneath me.

I have a huge cock and I'm in Mensa.

And I don't think...

I'm posting on Reddit.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm posting on Reddit about my huge cock

and being in Mensa.

Which subreddit to go to first this morning?

R slash big dicks or something.

Huge loads?

Come bigger loads.

This guy should have got a come bigger loads and said, not only do I have a big dick, but I'm also in Mensa and my loads are are enormous.

I make a real mess.

I can actually, yeah, actually, I can actually eye out the measurements on my loads due to my high intelligence.

It's a fucking quarter cup.

Yeah.

He goes, I agree with this.

The amount of people on here who pretend their penis is their passport through life is just kind of shows a lack of life experience or awareness, if I'm honest.

Your size literally doesn't matter until you get to the bedroom, no matter how much bulging you do.

I like this guy, too.

It just, you know, it's my passport through life.

My huge penis.

Yeah, the not giving me any advantages at all.

I suppose it can, they're right that it doesn't, but I, it can, like, if you're a famous person, like those famous people with big penises, maybe like uh, Pete, Paul Newman, Pete David, Pete Davidson, or whatever, right?

Who's like, gets that reputation in the public as having a big penis.

That could potentially help them, maybe maybe to like some person wanting to see their big penis or whatever.

So that could be the case.

But yeah, they're right.

I think that if you're just walking around with it, people don't know you have a big penis,

which

is fine.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, I don't, I don't, I'm not worried about people's penis.

And you're not worried about people knowing that you got a big one, right, Brian?

I mean, you.

Oh, I got a fucking huge one, dude.

It's crazy what I got going on.

What is it again?

It was

17

inches soft.

Jeez, Louise.

You said 17 soft before.

Well, 17 soft, I think I remember I measured it earlier today.

I see.

It struggles.

Well, obviously, it changes obviously depending on your pumping schedule.

Yeah, I was pumping three.

For a while, there, I was pumping three times a day, but now I'm 17 soft.

Just my fingerpiece and seeing it get bigger in front of me.

It's like an air mattress or something.

Well, that one we looked, that $350 one, I think, had like some sort of battery power.

Yeah,

where it would like, you know, really get it going.

This guy goes, as a well-endowed guy, sometimes it gets hard to be humble when you know the truth.

But I say try, I try to stay humble for everybody's respect.

What do you mean, a humble?

Like, why is it a humble?

At the end of the day, I just got to remember, I'm a normal guy, you know, but you are.

Minus some enhancements.

But if you

just have a big, you just have a big penis.

It just tells that right.

Yeah.

I mean,

I guess it is like, you know, a thing that you could be humble about.

It doesn't sound like the people who are out here posting on the big dick forum, you know, about how they have big penises are actually humble about it, though.

I think it's so funny to say, I try to stay humble.

Like, you don't have to even do it.

Yeah, you don't have to.

People don't have to know the size of your penis.

Yeah.

It's not like you have to be thinking about what other people.

Yeah, there's no,

it almost shows that you are not humble and that you're saying that

you're not at all humble.

It's not like they put it on your ID or something like that.

Like, you can definitely hide.

It would be a funny thing to have on your ID, though.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

This guy goes, and what's the truth?

He asks him.

He goes, well, knowing that women have a slight preference for above-average size, and he replies, and this guy, horny as hell, how endowed are you um so

what do we do answers yeah anyway the guy answers nine by six

oh

that's a thickie uh

do you think it might be too big and yeah i get it must be hard to keep your feet on the ground like knowing you're smart or handsome but you got to do your best i think

this guy's got his head in the clouds

walks around with his head in the clouds with his huge fucking nine inch penis is having a big penis supposed to make you feel fill you with confidence?

I guess.

I guess there's some level of it.

Maybe, like, if you're talking about with the opposite sex, it could give you some confidence in that sense, maybe.

Well, he replies and goes, I'm probably too big for length, but I'm also curved up, so it's a unique shape.

Pretty much best for the G-spot.

My girth isn't incredibly thick.

My MSEG, don't know what that is,

is

5'5,

but shaft it, oh, 5.5 point five inches but shaft is six right so it gets really thick the deeper i go i want to try to stay humble but i also know my worth like i know i'm handsome muscular and have a big dick but i mostly keep that to myself and if someone points it out that i act more confident

hey listen I know I'm handsome, muscular, and have a huge big dick.

You know?

Can't have a big one.

You can't have a big head.

Clip that.

Clip that.

Clip that.

You clip that one.

Being in the same situation as you, I try to participate by remaining as humble as possible and without putting down anyone.

And most of the time it works.

And then finally, our last post.

As a chode, average guy, 5.8 by 6.

There are many cases of insecure small penis size saying having a large penis just to call others short can feel a little boost of self-esteem.

The really big ones are almost always super friendly.

Oh my god, this is like

no, honestly, like the toughest guys, they're like, they're always the friendliest, you know, like the guys who can really beat the shit out of you, like they're the gentlest of all of them.

I love using that for penis, guys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And just opening your fucking thing is as a chod.

As a chod

as a big tuna can guy, big chod as a big tuna can choad.

I, yeah,

that those ones to me are the funniest penises, the uh thick, short ones.

Because it's because chode is such a funny word, like yeah,

doesn't get old to me, a guy identifying as a chode.

Yeah,

he goes, I would also like to see more topics about the thick ones' experiences.

So, there you go.

Uh, a thick one, thick one representation in films when, yeah,

Oscar.

Oscar's so thin.

Yeah.

I mean, this

Oscar's so thin.

I mean, that's a big issue, though.

This is penis guys, so it's a good place to say it is like.

Let's start letting them show penises erect in films without them being an X rating, please.

Can we get over ourselves?

Why can we not have erect penises in films?

They look better erect.

We all know they do.

Let's let the, let's let the, you know, think about Joaquin Phoenix.

You know,

fuck.

He had a pretty big one.

I think it's so.

He had his cock out as Johnny Cash and walked the line.

Forget about it.

Didn't?

No, he had it in Eddington at the end.

His huge pinch.

It was huge.

It looked so big.

It looked heavy.

It was earthy as hell.

But imagine you get him and

he's allowed to showcase that thing hard.

I think that that could change a lot of things and make a lot of things better better in the world.

I don't know how exactly, but I just think it would improve things a lot.

Yeah.

Here's our final famous guy here, Tony Canal from No Doubt.

Which one?

Which guy's that?

You'll find out.

No wonder Gwen Stefani went out with Tony for about five or six years.

Tony's cock is about 10 inches long.

He's a great kisser, takes his time, and is totally cool guy.

No doubt, aren't a metal or rock band, but since Tony has a 10-inch cock and plays the bass, I thought I'd include him for those of you who listen to a variety of music.

Yeah, he sneaks in just on a, you know, because of the 10 and the double-digit inches.

I think it's newsworthy.

It bums me out that, like, I, well, here, I think you can search the page, right?

I don't know.

It's not a page I go to, privately.

Fuck, I want to find out Lars's penis size.

Hold on.

You're just going to Google Lars already.

Penis.

Penis size.

Penis.

Penis size.

It's probably fucking tall.

Remember that guy whose pants fell open and you could see his

Lenny Kravitz.

Turtle.

Yeah.

Lenny Kravitz.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, it sent me to the same thing.

The Metal Sludge board.

Metal Sludge Penis Chart.

Listen, everyone.

Listen, we don't have the information.

If you have seen Lars' penis or you have any secondhand store, like something on the internet, you can point us towards something.

Something at guys.com.

Tips at guys.com for

and send it to the Lars inbox as well.

Yeah, yeah, please.

We need to know Lars' penis size.

It's so important.

He's just such David Draymond, too.

I'd love to know Draymond's penis size.

Draymond's penis.

It's got to be huge.

He's in Mensa.

He's the Mensa guy with a huge penis digger.

You know, he's got a big dick if he's in Mensa.

I think Lars does have a very small penis, though.

And I'm not trying to be rude.

And I know

I don't like him that much, but but i'm saying this honestly i really believe i think it's rude that you don't like from looking at him i believe he has a very small penis yeah all right uh oh lars ulric from metallica lars is about six inches and has a hooded monk meaning he's uncircumscribed uncircumcised

first of all let me just say i didn't do the intactivist guys because it actually made me sad yeah

Like, I just felt like that.

I felt like kicking people when they're down or something.

Like, it didn't feel right to me.

Maybe later I'll find some guys that are funny, but I just was like, man, this is a lot of like 19-year-olds.

Yeah.

You know, and so he goes, he's about six inches with a hooded monk, meaning he's uncircumcised.

That's to be expected.

He was born in Denmark or some foreign country like that.

Oh, yeah.

He's a quick shooter.

Or somewhere.

Quick shooter.

He's a quick shooter and likes multiple girls.

He's also fond of blowjobs.

And that might result in his monk not wanting to come out and play.

Oh, no, he's also fond of blow cocaine.

And that might result in his monk not wanting to come out and play.

And he constantly talks.

Shut the fuck up already.

And he's losing his hair, but that's another charge.

Holy shit.

So in the penis start, they're like, he's so fucking annoying.

He never shuts his fucking mouth.

Oh, Mike.

And I believe that.

Yeah, I believe that.

The only part of that that was surprising was the six inches.

yeah all right mike yes sir

your kickstarter sucks that's the pod that's what they tell me it's the best podcast i love it i like it more than mine we got to have you boys on and we are

we are coming on the end of next month oh yeah for some movie action oh and we get totally can i tell you something you sent me i'm not going to spoil it but you sent me the movie that we're about watching that movie yeah i've never seen the movie before that movie i've never seen it either and i was literally looking for great movies, like these lists.

And I found that.

It was like a movie that I was planning to watch.

And then you sent it over to me saying, do you want to watch this for me?

That's wild.

It was one of the next movies I was planning to watch.

Yeah, it's a banger.

Because

I was honestly worried that you were going to make me watch something really shitty.

No, I wouldn't do that.

I appreciate it.

I made you watch superhero movie.

You, you know, could have done it.

All right.

We'll see you all next week.

I don't know what we're doing.

Oh, probably knife guys.

Bye.

I don't know why I waved.