2025 Ep 306 - Hamish Blows Dimmies & Tinnies Wide Open

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Because the Hamish and Andy podcast starts in three,

two.

Sorry, still buffering.

One.

Ahoy to the master, Hamish.

Yes, I think this is just the normal nicknames and roles we have on the show.

Ahoy to me, dame.

Jack, ahoy.

Are we the people from the

Barbara Black Sheep?

You've got it.

Oh, are you the little boy that lives down the lane?

I'm the little boy that lives down the lane.

You just don't see masters and dames together too often, aside from getting free wool.

And it was crazy for me to be the little boy because obviously

we have just the little boy, but it was going to be way too big a giveaway if I said master and ahoy to my little boy.

Little boy who lives down the lane.

Well done.

Not too bad.

Oh, I felt like it was a bit of a softball.

Oh, you complain about the you know the hand plane from the wood planing too hard.

That's true.

What do you want?

What do you want, what do you want?

You want perfect.

You want it to be a stretch, but not impossible.

I think naming specific parts of a tool that is unique to one trade is quite wild.

To go, oh, we're all the parts of an optometrist's

eye machine.

Yeah, but if they did have a lens or something that, you know, that you could go, oh, we may, like, would that help you?

From memory, the woodworking tool was like the frog and the soul and the

check.

It was a cheeky one.

But I enjoy the, we all like the tough ones too.

Can't just have softballs.

Okay.

Also to Dean, who went to HamishNear.com and found the tab easily.

I know.

And probably still there.

Actually, good to me accompanying the email.

He said, I couldn't even find where to put this.

So we should make that clear at homenead.com.

Oh, finally.

A little bit of wiggle room, Jack, on the long quest to disable that as the technique and just get a whatsapp uh and send us exactly what he's been up to and what he's pondering ahoy boys and happy birthday andy

uh dean from london here and i can't stop singing gold letters on brown in leather and sweathead If Jack hasn't weaseled some Louis V bags for you yet, get him to play this clip to the fashion gush hall.

I know loose ends are a monkey on your back, so I hate to bring up another one, but did Andy ever decide what the big ask for Jack was?

Could I suggest maybe no more Instagram posts about Justin Bieber?

Anyway, gusto to you.

What's the reference there?

I fell in love recently with the new Justin Bieber song after never having listened to his music actively, but he's got this new song called Daisy.

I know the song.

Oh, my God.

Are you still listening to it?

You know, it's cooled a little bit, but I still love it as a song.

I love the guitar.

Have you heard it?

I've heard it, it, yeah.

And you just keep posting about it, dude.

Yeah, I just love it.

Gee, you're not busy.

So, so unbusy.

I mean, Ando, are you not following me?

I don't ask for that.

Are you not following me?

I don't really look at anything.

I'm doing a lot of stuff on there.

You should get online.

Thanks.

So apologies, Jack.

I have not been engaged either.

I go through some great periods of just deleting Instagram for weeks, and it's wonderful.

But I'm sure you're doing great stuff on there, Jack.

I beg of you, Ander, though, do not use your big ask for that.

Surely the big ass.

No, no.

It reminds me of that.

Thank you for reminding me of the big ass.

Do you know what it could be, Jack?

You're in the market for a new job.

Eventually, no rush.

You put in a long time on that.

Definitely not racing, but yeah.

We can tell.

We know.

You never come in flustered with an armful of CVs.

Oh, sorry, guys.

I've been job hunting again.

So you can tell

it's a meander for the new job.

What if Andy's, but imagine you get a new job and Andy goes, my big ask is quit.

Quit this.

Quit the job.

No, the other job.

Oh, yeah.

Quit the new job.

Oh, that just makes me even less want to

go and get a new job, really, because

now Andy's just going to ask me to quit.

What's the point?

I actually realized, dude, now it probably makes Jack even happier because he's like, yeah, great.

I'd love not having a job.

That would be a big favor.

No, it would certainly be something that will benefit me or Haim and me

rather than kind of make you uncomfortable.

When's the expiry?

That was like seven years ago.

I think it's forever.

I don't think

it expires as soon as you find my Bitcoin password.

I've looked.

I look every six months.

I do a deep, deep search.

Yeah, right.

Jack, I know I said, hey, I want to talk about something at the start.

I don't need anything.

I do need something.

Some explosion sound effects because I'm actually going to blow a few things wide open.

Multiple artillery shells are going to be deployed.

That's why I asked you before we started.

I wasn't thinking.

I'm drumming along to the open.

okay i've got it okay good okay ready yeah ando

this comes in from jacinta

sorry i should just point out from for dean we're gonna jingle just again today oh yeah we are

when i i i walked past louis vuitton at the airport after you did that

and was might have been even days after you did gold letters on brown for louis vuitton and i honestly

No, no offense to Louis

or Vuitton if they are different people.

or just Louis if that's his full name but the some of the marketing you've got is if I may be frank I know I'm not the target audience is nonsense

that honestly was the best advertising hook never used by the company it was so good well it'd be nice just to at least get it their thoughts on it

yeah wouldn't kill them wouldn't kill them could you just look into that

50 meter times I reckon Carly Mimes typing yeah yeah sure guys just emailing emailing um straight to the boss at louisvaton.com and should hear back by the end of the show.

Yep, they've said they liked it, but they're not going to use it this time.

They're thinking of it for fall 2026.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, and it's Vuitton Smith.

There are two people.

Okay, first blow something wide open.

Okay.

Quick one.

Quick one just to warm up the

food.

Yep.

This comes in from Jacinta.

She was recently at Kohl's, and we've done that.

We've looked into the health star ratings a few times on this show.

We know there's some discrepancies, and then some companies just mysteriously choose not to play.

They just won't do the food star rating.

I have to admit, Demi's and Timmy's Dim Sinsins.

That's who it was for.

That's who it was for.

She found Demi's and Timmy's Dim Sins that Andy has a hand in.

It chooses not to play.

Blow him open, Jack.

Wow.

So what's the process?

What's the process?

You just don't play.

It's just an opt-in system.

It's an opt-in system.

It's so ridiculous.

Which blows our mind because why is anyone opting in for a half-star?

But then, as we understand, it's so you can in your whole category.

Yep.

So, yes.

But I mean, they're really good for you.

Take my time.

Wow.

That's my word for it.

Just when we thought the health star system had question marks over it, now we've got Andrew Lee five thumbs up.

Ed in Picole's for DND Stidies.

You just don't.

It's if you want to play at all.

See, if it's like a lot of companies have heaps of different

produce or products under one umbrella, if you want to play for just one of your products,

you have to play them all.

But why won't you play for yours?

Oh,

oh, what's he hiding?

Okay, that is a place to be too good for people.

Did they run it through this machine?

No, we didn't actually.

We'd actually run it through the machine.

The whole point of Demi.

Yeah, do you want to play?

Yeah, what are we going to get?

One and a half.

Nah.

Might not play.

not play actually

it would be good if casinos were like that yeah do you want to play well what's the dealer got he's got a jack okay i won't play them

no deliciously good for you uh that that

you can say delicious i can say what i want

i can say what i want i'm not playing

i'm not playing by the marketing

i'm just playing by marketing rules yeah no i would say better for you than others in the category.

Yeah, I would say that too, because I know the effort you put into choosing premium ingredients.

Heo Box 446, just if you need to send me a box.

Okay, that's one truth artillery shell deployed and landed straight on Andy's head.

Smashed me in the nose, that one.

We move on.

We move on.

This is a Bozeman White Open that has come in from overseas.

Now, we all know and love Meredith's goat's cheese when it comes yeah love meredith

when it comes to goat's cheese i'm just realizing that i'm music festivals push this more than the dimmies we're like yeah

and what does it say here deliciously good for you oh god

meredith is doing it as well um now for people who don't know meredith's goat's cheese it's a it's a cheese that sits under oil And so you live under oil.

And funnily enough, yeah, you look at it, and it has peppercorns and thyme in it.

And I was actually thinking when you look at the jar, you go, I wonder if some like...

They wouldn't play, by the way.

They're not playing.

No.

They're a bespoke.

I wonder if some accountant has gone, hey, cut back on, let's put two less peppercorns in or whatever, and we'll save a million dollars a year.

Oh, looks like there's a good amount of peppercorns in there, but I just, I wonder if, is it someone's job on the factory line to just hand chuck them in?

Or would it be like each jar gets 12?

No.

I don't think it's as measured as a glass and and a half of full cream dairy milk

in Cabral Chocolate.

I think it'd just be a splattering of peppercorns.

Would you miss them?

Are you tasting the peppercorns?

I think people really enjoy them.

Oh, gosh, the girls outside are nodding along.

Yeah, you got to.

I think people love them.

And it's also a bit fun when you smear one on a cracker.

You go, I got a peppercorn.

That is fun.

Anyway, but there's also heaps of other things that are fun.

That's not why we're here.

That's not what we're discussing.

So this is coming from Andrew.

He's in the US.

I don't know if, sorry, he is in Aussie.

He's living in Minnesota.

Okay.

But you can get it in the US.

You can, Jay.

So he's spotted a jar of Meredith Goat cheese in America.

He's going, oh, that's great.

That's a nice little piece of home.

He goes, I thought it was one off, but I've now seen it in.

He obviously gets around here on a bit of a cheese crawl.

I've seen it in Chicago, New York, and Jackson.

Oh, which is Jackson in Florida?

Oh.

Anyway.

Or Wyoming.

Anyway, it doesn't matter.

He goes, gentlemen, there's no way this is his, this is his blow up wide open that he's put into my desk.

There's no way there's enough goats in Meredith, Victoria to supply this much cheese.

Hang on, Jack.

I didn't actually ask you to fire.

Now, part of working in, whether you're in an artillery group or mortars, you actually do need a bit of communication in the team.

You can't just go.

It felt like conditions were right.

We're a three-man fire team.

You can't just send one down the rail.

I thought that was an assumed bombshell.

He's so different.

If Trump's like, who did that?

Who did that?

Who did that?

Sorry, sir.

I thought that was, yeah, I thought that was the revolution.

Like, I thought, are we.

But I've, it didn't feel unnatural, just, just in Jacksonville.

No, no, but there's more to the case.

There's more to the case.

You can't, you don't blow it wide open until the end.

Okay.

So he goes, I work in finance and I've run the numbers.

Okay.

So he's like, it's impossible.

You think about all the supermarkets that Meredith Scoat's cheese is in.

They're now all across America.

I thought they were only in Victoria.

No, no, it's just.

I know my in-laws who live in Florida fell in love with it here and then couldn't believe they found it in a supermarket in Fort Lauderdale.

I think, I think he's

he goes, is this operation some sort of multinational goat milking ring

where it's saying it's come from Meredith?

Now, you look at the jar and it gives you the address of Meredith Dairy.

You could, you know, if someone's nearby, you could walk there right now, publicly available information on every label, 106 Cameron Road.

That's the address that lists.

It doesn't say plus others.

No.

But before we blow it open, hold fire, Jack, hold on.

Holding fire.

Holding.

But you could, sorry.

Yeah.

You can process

cheese at a certain place

from, you know, for instance, in Meredith or my uncle with milk, he could process the milk, but he gets other farmers to deliver the milk.

as well.

So I went to the Meredith website.

They're onto this.

They, because when you think think about it, as demand increased for cheese worldwide, for oily peppercorn cheese.

Yeah, with time.

With time.

It's delicious.

You'd have to chip in more and more goats.

It'd be a nightmare.

You'd have goats stacked on goats.

You'd have goats up trees.

You'd have goats on the roof.

Like, it's just, you'd be like, if we're trying to keep up this promise, it's bad for the goats.

It's bad for the animals.

So they.

I think they've done the right thing.

Ethically, like sustainably, it's farmed out to other farms and those goat farms are able to supply it.

And then nowhere does it say, hey, we, we only have goats from Meredith.

Except

on the label above marinated goat's cheese, it says from our farm.

That can still mean the milk comes to our farm and we make the cheese in the cheese machine

at our farm.

But I don't think

I don't think,

like, do you reckon it's all Australian goats?

Yeah, because on the back, they have that little ruler made in Australia from at least 99% Australian ingredients.

Okay.

I think they're doing that.

I actually think this is where I was, this is why I was a little bit annoyed you fired an artillery shell at a friend.

I think they're okay.

Yeah, I think they are.

I think it's a rare ceasefire, ceasefire.

I understand

Andrew's.

You just email the head of Meredith Goats.

It was at

head of cheese saucing at Meredith.com.

To make a sound effect of an explosion sucking back in like a black hole.

That's unfortunately

got to be so careful.

And I've already, yeah, I already said it off.

Well, I was just going to say, could we somehow, you know, like tenant the TV, the movie?

Is that it was?

Yep.

Deep cut.

Yep.

Yeah.

We can like

reverse it and take it back.

It's what I'm hoping for.

You say no.

Tell Marshiko what it was.

Hopefully, Meredith.

Hopefully, it was a poorly aimed shell and they're still okay.

Yes.

Last one.

Last one.

So that's a bit of a ceasefire, and I'm happy to hand those out.

But also, great work, Meredith.

Yeah.

I mean, they're dominating the world.

We've got to support them.

We've got to support them.

Ozzy's going great.

Which brings me to my final, and this is the more important of all the cases today.

Are your Dimmies going to go international?

Oh, look,

not at this stage.

We'd love them to, but I don't think people don't know what a Dim Sum overseas.

China does.

No.

Dim Sim.

People don't know what a Dim Sim is.

Dim was invented in Melbourne.

Oh, so dim sum is Chinese.

Yeah.

Dim Sim.

Tate got him on the old vowel spit.

Blew it up and switched to Val.

It was made.

I was going to say it's pretty similar to a dim sum.

It is, but it's slightly bigger.

I think it's certainly inspired by.

Absolutely.

It is.

It was for workers who liked a sausage roll or a party pie type snack.

It was to make a bigger...

like dim sum package with its own skin to have on the workday yeah yeah okay Jack?

Artillery shell.

Okay, sorry.

Yeah, well,

who are we playing with?

With the origin story of doing things

just to get a few explosions on the board.

Now, keep your finger on the trigger, but not pulling the trigger, Jake, and not pulling the trigger.

Safety on, actually, always finger off the trigger until we're sure that we're ready to fire.

Yep, safety on it.

Gun safety 101.

What am I holding up here, guys?

Fins.

Thins, light, light and tangy chips.

Beloved, thin, tangy, and light chips.

The light and tangy flavor.

Speaking of origin stories,

it was the discussion about light and tangy that got us the people's chip.

The people's chip, the gravy chip, because we were going, does the flavor come first?

Do you go, what is this?

Yum, we've created a flavor.

What should we call it?

Or do you go, hey, we want to, we've thought of a name, light and tangy.

Blue tangy.

Bring us your bill.

Now make us a flavor.

I think it was flavor first, which makes sense in the end.

Blind tangy,

I'm not trying to play favorites at all here between chip companies.

I'm just throwing at what I believe to be honest feelings of the majority of the population.

Very rarely would you, if I said to you, what's your favourite flavor of thin?

It's light and tangy.

You would not go plain.

No.

People come to, they and they know people come to thins for light and tangy.

Yes.

Like back when Emma Wiggle was part of the wiggles, very, very clearly she was the favorite wiggle and the rest of the Wiggles understood that.

Yes.

So that's

the heyday was late 90s.

Yep.

There's a new,

you've got Finns, of course, dominating the thinly cut chip market, or certainly a big player in the thinly cut chip market.

But our old friends, Smiths.

Yeah, I know.

People have come at them, haven't I?

I think it's no one...

Smiths are more of a crinkle cut.

Well, because I've done a bit of a deep dive on this, I can tell you exactly what's going on.

Smiths are historically a crinkle cut.

That's where they started.

That's the best cut they knew how to do.

Yep.

And they're up against Sandboy.

Yeah, and Ruffles.

Ruffles.

And so then...

Ruffles was a very thin corrugate.

A different corrugation.

Yeah,

I think you actually...

More bumps.

If you're one of the cutting scientists, that's kind of

all you can really bring to the table.

Like angle and frequency of cut is what we do.

Smiths came to the table not long, well, it's a while ago now and came out with their thinly cut line.

Right.

Which

if you're at thins, you'd go, well, this feels a bit personal because

we sort of do that.

Yeah, that's it.

And Smiths have gone, well, and they're like, you're the Krinkle Cut.

Oh, that's now Smiths.

That's our regular line.

We also do thinly cut, which is a heck of a lot like the chips you do.

So they took it to thins

when they produced thinly cut.

And look, fair game.

You're in a competitive category.

We were in the chip game for a while.

We know how vicious it is.

You've got to keep innovating.

This comes in from Alicia.

And

look, it's a worthy blow something wide open.

Thins have come out.

I don't know how long ago this was, but I certainly haven't noticed it until Alicia brought it to my attention.

Smiths have come out with Smiths thinly cut,

lightly tangy.

Oh.

Which is also a green package.

Hang on, hang on.

I thought you were holding up the same package.

He's changed back.

Oh, my God.

Let me hold them up side by side.

Wow.

It actually made me go, hang on, I better just check that Smiths doesn't own thins.

Oh my gosh.

Now I'm realizing that.

Light and tangy ones.

Light and tangy and lightly tangy is what Smiths came with.

And even the way that Smiths has written thinly cut is using a very, very similar font to thin mates.

Now you probably can't see from your side of the desk, but when you go over the light and tangy thing on the front, the graphic they go with is a bowl with chips in it.

It says serving suggestion next to it.

Oh, okay, bowls

And then next to it is a whole tomato a small jar of paprika and some peppercorns again

Finley Smiths for their lightly tang have decided to do a tomato chopped a chopped tomato half a tomato I can see that yes half a tomato a tablespoon of paprika not a bowl

very different and a sprinkling of two groups of peppercorns, not one group of peppercorns.

Same ingredients, slightly different measurements it's the same graphics it's the same wow it's the same thing taste them both and you go look it's just an aggressive move isn't it nice

for us just to taste them both yeah and did you look up haim if they were owned by they are not owned by the same thing fin's is snack foods australia and smith's is smith's who are owned by pepsi wow

globally

Surely they're going to court on this one.

I mean, so similar.

We always imagine that all food companies have everyone around a boardroom discussing.

And I think they should.

And the day these came out, lightly tangy, they would have just been like, come on.

Come on.

I mean,

you stole our idea to cut them thin.

Let's be honest.

Because

you were crinkling them.

And you've seen what we're doing.

You've cut them thin.

Now.

And they also, and I think Smith, do Smiths have a kettle?

Or is Smith's kettle?

No, they're not.

But I think they have a kettle alternative as well.

So Smith's, take it to the hoop with other companies so one thing i'm gonna say that's completely unrelated yep completely unrelated one thing i think we can actually do away with in the chip game is this idea of hand cut you know sometimes they go hand cut chip

i don't care maybe worse if anything exactly get your grab use a machine

use a machine for consistency i'm not impressed that you've made someone cut this chip yeah agreed uh all right

What do you want me to eat first?

Lightly tangy first, and then to see how close it is to the light and tangy.

So soon should i eat light and tangy yeah eat the original first okay eat the original so in honor of the original

that's great hey remember

yeah light and tangy well that

you forget about that

it's been a little while but at the end there's that famous tomato pinch yes and you know that kick well it's a full tomato on the one that you

somehow i've got through the skin and i can taste the tomato yes okay lightly tangy

Same?

Yeah, I mean, it's pretty similar.

May I?

You may, Jack.

Pretty similar.

More of a tomato kick on the Finns.

Really?

So one last thing, Joe.

I know I've dinged the bell and launched the

shell.

The Smiths logo, this is a final kick where Finns must be like, you've got to be joking us.

The Smiths logo, this isn't just unique to obviously thinly cut, but they're, do you know, do you remember, do you remember what the Smiths slogan is?

The original and the best.

Oh, so they've done an original crock, they've done an original spectacular croc tours move on all their competitors by just going, not only did we go, we're going to cut it that way, and we're going to flavor it with the same stuff.

You don't own paprika.

Anyone can use paprika and tomatoes.

They grow on the bloody ground.

We're going to use them, but they've also had the audacity to come out and go, original and the best.

I had a really bad three minutes at airport security yesterday.

Oh, God.

Poor little poor minutes.

All right.

No, as in, like, I didn't perform well.

You know, like when

the footballer or someone's just a few clangers in a row.

And the commentator goes, oh, gosh, he's had a bad three.

Yeah,

I had that.

It could happen in the real world.

For people that, you know, we predominantly, you know, I know people Australia over, of course, love the podcast and we love them for enjoying the podcast.

But we would, for us three, Sydney and Melbourne is probably the two airports we go through, who have both recently had the upgrades to the security machines where you don't need to take the laptop out anymore.

Right.

Which is great, but you do need to take your belt off.

I don't like that.

So

I felt like we were so close to getting a perfect system.

It was like, well, you've got these great new systems,

but we've gone backwards on the the belt you should not have to take your belt off i agree with that i mean i've strictly track suit pants now for travel just because i don't yeah i think i have a view of the belt the belt off yeah well you know i like traveling light ham or just get the things i need beck is the opposite beck does not like traveling light

and obviously you've most security systems at the moment they're like put everything in a tub yeah she's a three tub minimum girl

as you go as carry-on as carry-on

wow and she's like taking off jackets and you know accessories and anyway sometimes four tubs it's like a magic trick you don't you can't believe she's got the water to take off like a clown with a handkerchief

clown's falling out of her pocket running away

so when we get to the other side i sling the backpack on immediately and then i'm wrangling things for her as because the tubs are getting to the cliff where they're about to go off into the yeah they're going to disappear concertina yep so i'm there

i grab her hat i put it on my head just because I'm just using every available hand and free it up.

I grab her sunglasses.

I put them on just to get things.

And they're very feminine because sunglasses can be unisex.

This was definitely a very feminine pair of cat's eye or whatever.

Yep.

A guy behind me sidles up next to me and goes,

Nice disguise, but I know it's you.

Thinking that I'm one of those celebrities that

Andy fearing a people magazine spread about traveling domestically.

So I try to say to him, no, no,

whatever do you mean?

I'm wearing like a, well, it's not a fedora, but a woman's

glasses.

I try to explain to him, it's not, I'm not wearing a disguise.

He says, don't worry, I won't make a scene.

Right.

He leaves.

So now he thinks that I do that, which is not great.

I then quickly whip my phone out to go, well, what do I look like?

And took a selfie of myself to kind of get a range.

Yep.

Security guard comes over at that point

and he says, did you just take a photo?

I hear,

can I please take a photo?

The disguise really isn't working.

Everyone knows who you are.

So I go, yeah, sure.

Right.

So he said, did you just take a photo?

I've gone, yeah, sure.

He's, I look at him.

He said, Well, you can't take a photo here.

Still thinking he's asking for a photo.

I said, Well, where would you like to go?

Would you like to come with me to the business lounge?

Where would you like to go?

I'll tell you what, I can get a guest in.

I'll take you upstairs for a carrot juice.

He says, I don't want a photo.

Did you just take a photo of our security protocols?

Oh,

no, no, no, I didn't.

He said, Can you please show me the photo?

I have to take out my photo.

Sorry, I'm just doing a get ready with me reels.

Needless to say, the commentators are going, geez, he's

a guy that cannot do security.

Oh, watch your step.

Wow, your attic is so dark.

Dark.

I know, right?

It's the perfect place to stream horror movies.

What movie is that?

I haven't pressed play yet.

AT ⁇ T Fiber with Al-Fi covers your whole house.

Even your really, really creepy attic turned home theater.

Jimmy, what have I told you about scaring the guests?

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Time to jingle joust, guys.

A lot of people have been emailing us.

Genuinely backed by popular demand.

Well, I didn't say, I mean, anytime we bring something back by popular demand, we're not making it up, but this one had

a flood.

Yep.

A game where randomly you get a pair of items, one being a song, a hit song, and the other being a random company.

And then your job as the player is to try and get a jingle from that song about that item or product.

I mean, that's the beauty of the game is when you get receive your song and and you're like, okay.

And then you receive your product.

I'm not sure if you guys feel this, but you're like, oh, right.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, we got to marry those two.

Got it texted last night because it's from a random generator, like one of those websites.

And it was Kali, a producer, that goes,

here's your product, here's your song.

Oh, God.

I'll look at that in the morning.

Don't immediately see a marriage between those two.

Well, who wants to go first?

I mean,

I don't mind.

I'll go first.

I'll lead us off.

Because I will say this, and this will become apparent once people hear the jingle I've had to come up with.

I,

on the way in, I just sat down for a quick coffee.

Okay, I was like, I better write this thing.

And there was definitely someone looking at my screen

as I was doing it.

There was definitely someone next to me looking at my screen.

And yeah, I mean, they would have had so many questions.

So many questions.

It's like, what is this?

What Word document is this guy writing?

Like this grown man.

It's like clearly an adult.

What is he doing?

What is this thing that he's doing?

But anyway.

Okay.

Well,

we all did a great job last time.

I'm going to say.

My only criticism of Jack's was it was like a whole musical and it's meant to be a jingle.

Mine's 30 seconds now, proper ad time.

Okay, good.

Oh, okay.

I think, I don't think mine would be too much past 30.

No, it's not.

They're all about the same.

Okay, okay, great.

Okay.

What song did you get here?

I got Santa Claus's coming to town.

And

what company or product did you get?

I got

Kellogg's All Brand.

Okay.

Okay.

So I think we all, because immediately you go, okay, well, we know where Allbran is marketed.

Yes.

All bran is not marketed to the taste market.

There's a lot of cereals in that category.

All brand is very much marketed to the bowel function market.

Yes.

Yes.

And it appears as you get older and older.

Fiber becomes increasingly important as part of a balance.

So it's always important, but that's certainly, we know that that's what it's about.

And that's why I think when I was writing this up at the cafe and the guy next to me was looking at it.

So you've linked into that aspect of All Brand, have you?

I have, as the head of musical marketing for Allbrand today, I have felt I had no choice but to lean into its bowel benefits.

Very important part of life:

if your poops won't come out, your poops are all dry, or your poops are just wrong and they're making you cry, send some all brand into Brown Town.

It's light and it's crisp and it looks like sticks.

It comes in a box and also tastes like sticks.

Send some old bran into brown town.

It won't help you with your peeing, and we've been honest about the taste.

But it will give you the fluffiest poops like big old doughy snakes.

So send some old bran into brown town.

I think old Jelly's dick is the dream for a lot of people, Jack.

Not too many food brands.

Yeah, I hate to see the visuals of the ad as well.

No, it's a jiggle.

Talk about what happens to the other end.

I think.

Well, we all know what we're buying.

You certainly don't sit there going, hmm, yum.

Can't wait to have some more brand now.

But that's what people think when they buy.

And I'm a consumer of, especially the very high-fibre brand.

You're not going, you're never going yum.

You're never going, this is the tastiest thing I can buy in this whole supermarket.

You're going, I'm sacrificing taste because I'm looking forward to seeing what you can do.

Yes,

um, Jack, the only part for me as well that I found a bit hard to follow is sending something to Brown Town.

Like, is it Brown Town a thing?

Is that like no?

I guess it's your colon.

Yeah,

I think people know where Brown Town is.

We know the general region.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah,

there's sort of...

Oh, I was going to say there's only one way to Browntown.

There's two, but this is the traditional way.

Don't put it up the alternative route.

You will miss out on the benefits should you shortcut it.

Oh, dear.

All right.

What song did you get, Ando?

I got...

I got Cake by the Ocean by

Dance or D-N-C-E or whatever they call it.

Joe Jonas was Joe Jonas?

One of the Jonas.

I think so.

Yeah.

Was it?

I was, yeah.

Okay.

I don't know why.

I'm trying to overrule.

Which I've got to say

off the bat, it's high.

It's

a high song to sing.

And it also has no recognizable lyrics except Cake by the Ocean.

No, exactly.

Might even have some nonsense ones in there.

Yeah.

So, and then, and at risk of it all feeling vulgar now, but you start, I mean, All Brand wasn't meant to go down that path, but I got Durex.

Yeah.

Well, that's fun.

I mean,

what other path can all brand go down

they haven't chosen your route yet

well they kind of have remember when we were talking about there was that like vr oh yeah on a box that they had like a virtual reality experience where you could tour the colon and and you know

almost positive no one ever went and downloaded that virtual reality experience but anyway so durex a lot of things a lot of areas you could go doesn't have to be yeah it doesn't have to be sex

oh you've got you know you've got water balloons, you got drug smuggling, heaps of other applications.

Well, I've chosen to choose the route that they intended with D-Rex condoms, and um, this is the jingle that I propose.

Okay, good luck.

Oh no,

without protection, it's a no-go.

Good, book this on before the big show

and stop transmission of disease, bro, disease, bro.

Keep a hold on a Durex when in motion.

That was more like less like a jingle and more like

a Christian camp counselor.

Yeah, someone who comes to your school to do like, now we're going to teach the kids safe sex, but in a cool way.

Don't worry, I know how to teach your kids.

The song, the song by itself is contraception.

You don't need, you're actually putting Q-Rex out of business.

Yeah,

yeah, I agree.

I found it hard.

But not intended, but I did.

These are these lyrics that were available to you that you've chosen not to use.

I hate to say it, but I feel like all brands winning so far.

Jacko, what song?

I got the Macarena by Lost Del Rio.

Oh, yes.

If he gets margarita pizzas, he's home and host.

The fact that it's a different language.

Like for the for the words in between, Dragonite makes life easier for me.

Not harder, Jack.

You've got the most catchy song maybe ever written.

Yes.

All right.

I got ChatGPT as my company.

Oh, okay.

And

here's the jingle I can put it to with the macarina.

Chat GPT, help me fix my vacuum cleaner.

Give me ideas how to dress for Halloween.

Tell me the currency they use in Argentina.

Hey, Smart Machinery, Chuck GPT, help me be a ballerina.

Give me legal advice about my current misdemeanor.

Put a picture of me in the Star Wars cantina.

Hey, Smart Machina.

God, easily the best.

Easily the guy.

Easy song.

Easy song.

Yeah,

as soon as I heard it, as soon as I heard it, I bet he uses Halloween.

I bet he runs Halloween with Argentina.

Such low-hanging fruit.

Well done, Jacko.

Nice fan.

Guys, TV raffle update in our quest to get

a bigger TV.

No.

No,

we did all the triumphant thing of telling him he won the TV last week.

And then we should have had it right outside his house so he couldn't say no.

True, but then I think we just all celebrated.

We delivered it.

I forgot it's not a real raffle.

Honestly,

someone will take care of that.

They can't have a raffle and not deliver the TV.

So I only realized this is what we had done when I'm having dinner.

It turns out it was a prank.

When I'm having dinner with mum and dad on Saturday night, and they go, the strangest thing happened.

We want a TV, but no one's circled back to us.

I'm sure they will.

I'm sure they will.

I was like, oh, really?

Oh, that's odd.

Anyway, at that point, I picked up my phone as if to text someone like I could do something about it.

But instead, I hit record on a voice memo.

So what you guys are about to hear

is them trying to figure out when it's coming.

Yeah, is a dinner with my parents and I.

Channel 9 News is playing in the background.

That normally happens.

Why do you have the news on the back?

Just in case there's a lull in conversation and you can go, oh, right, Super Change was coming out.

What do you guys think about that?

bianca's parents do the same thing where it's just like they need company while we distant news like it'll be a.m radio throughout the day and at some point like for the whole day and at some point they make the switch from radio to television there is an age you that people seem to get to where they go just in case like

the system goes down the grid goes down

and we have no electricity or whatever just we need someone that knows all the news like we need someone someone that's an archive of every bit of news that's happened in the last 10 years yes i've actually been listening i'm your person

so that's in the background we're at dinner um you'll hear the clanking of plates but we've cleaned up the audio as best as we could i only believe you

it started with mum saying it's too big it's too big and that this is our whole worry this is what got us there in the first place that's the the prize aspect was meant to solve that issue yes so we i've i've hit the voice memo and we pick up the conversation conversation around that moment where she's still complaining that it's too big

she thinking is too big mum yeah

we wouldn't fit it in where we're trying to give it away

don't look a gift tv in the mouth mum no no i can't believe we actually won three challenges that's what you look

Yeah, well, I suppose it's over how long?

55 years.

55 years.

So So it's less miraculous when you're winning one every 15 years.

Every average.

Actually, no, we just were married.

We just got married.

We got one the first one.

That was from

another one in Primary School.

Yes.

Yeah.

A very small one.

Then I bought a camera and Mark...

who's Mary Ellister's husband, he works for

Ted's cameras.

He said, make sure you put your name in, because there's a draw for a team.

You've told me this story.

I know the story about the rapper.

Sounds like that's all they're talking about.

Didn't realise you were about to head through it.

And

they're unbeknownst to them.

We really know the story because

we've been recording several times.

Everyone listening really knows the story of how many TVs it's come from.

What I was curious about was when they mentioned the first TV they won from from Nunna Wadding Primary School.

I just wrote it down here.

Mick goes, very small one.

Like he's disappointed with the size, but if there's one man in Australia I know that desires small TVs, it's him.

He should have said it like this.

Very small one.

Which you know I love.

The smaller the better.

So then

Again, they're telling me things that I already know, but

I'm not meant to know.

So I have to sit through the conversation.

And they're keen to tell me about how they bought the raffle ticket from a kid not scouts for their scouting theatre uh company campwell showtime the guy knocked on the door from the um showtime campwell showtime

oh and

we we're we're showtime fans yeah you're always going to do that weren't you always going to do that so we bought butt bought three tickets off two dollars each

ten dollars maybe

big spender these days well

you wouldn't wouldn't have got that tent throw it out thinking, well, that's over.

We can't be, it's a long time ago.

It was something like the 8th of August.

You said, oh, we probably should have heard by now.

Did he sell it to us after the actual date?

No,

wouldn't be a fake raffle.

Good.

Now I feel like you're just playing for your own amusement.

So then it goes on to, that's how they bought the tickets.

And they again want to tell me information that we already know, which is.

Then they got a call.

Well, well done.

Congratulations.

Very happy with it, weren't you, Don?

Were you there when he called?

When they called?

No.

No, I.

No, because

I dropped Mag off to have her haircut and then went up to Denro to Ross.

Ah, you were getting your hair cut when you got the call.

I just thought, oh, I'd better take this to Ross.

I sat down in the chair and said i'd better take this and um didn't know who no because usually if someone calls i don't answer if i don't know the thing yeah because i have no core idea so i thought you know is it you playing a prank and that put me on

yeah

and um i thought well i better take it so i took it and she said i you know here from First Canterbury, the scouts raffle that you were in.

And so

you're sorry that you haven't won the first prize which is what i wanted you wanted that yeah

a knight at crown with um you know some dinner yeah and uh but you've won the second prize and i think the third what was the third prize that was a bar in third grade something yeah oh

oh well well done well i'm sure we've had red

They really aren't happy with the win, are they?

Well,

you are trying to reshape the narrative here with lots of well done.

Yes, yes, I'm trying to go.

Come on, congratulations.

Well done.

What a skill you had to.

We're actually not even, I was going to say the skill that he had was to simply hold five tickets and wait for luck to take its course.

That's the skill of winning a raffle, but he didn't even do that.

He threw the tickets out, as we know, then tried to stick it back together.

Where do we go from here?

I mean, we've got to move swiftly because, as I said, I forgot that I thought we'd just done a lot of things.

So, was there, was there chat of them, so they don't like it?

They don't want it?

Well, no, he says,

he asked me, do you want to have it down the beach house?

I was like, no, Dad, you need a new TV.

You've got a 20-inch television.

You've got to have a TV.

We've spent so much

time and money on this.

Yes.

Like,

now I'm invested, not because, and I mean, I love Mek and Marg, but it's not as important to me as it is to you that they have a bigger TV.

But it is now because we've started this campaign.

So now I'm invested because we've got to get it.

We have to get that TV in the house.

And I want them having a bigger TV.

tv and i want us i want our plan to work that's basically the investment we've all made here

what about

he seemed to like when when liza that works with us here when she rang and said

congratulations you've won

he had a good rapport with her i think

why don't we get the scout troop or liza posing as someone from the scout troop to call back and go

First of all,

we're going to drop it off because they seem they haven't heard anything.

So first of all, go, good news.

We're going to drop it off.

And then maybe droppers in the side go, hey,

you know, just we've had a few problems with previous raffles of people selling it or giving it away.

Good.

And it's a bad look.

And then if our sponsors hear about it, they feel disappointed because they, you know, they've gone to a lot of effort to give this prize.

Can you pledge, like a scout pledge?

The scouts do all the promising and the pledging.

Yes.

Can you pledge

to keep it and not sell it?

I'm sure you will.

I'm sure you're going to bring it to TV.

the primary TV in your home.

Um, I'm sure you're going to anyway, but we just need that from you, and and then we'll deliver it.

All right, well, we've got to keep it.

Let's, let's, yes, let's let's do that for next week's show.

Let's record it now and we'll put it on next week's show.

I saw him hasn't heard this yet, but if we can get the pledge happening, then he has to take it.

Thanks for listening.

The Hamish and Andy podcast will return next week.

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