2025 Ep 302 - Hamish’s brush with Border Security

Today,

in 2013,

I did the vulnerability.

Okay,

so 3.

Check the internet.

Video, like,

obtain Wi-Fi in Mazuin with local con ATNT Fiber with O-Fi.

ATNT connected the change.

ATNT Fiber has limited the queen service that cover Wi-Fi extended ATNT with carbon distinction.

A listener production.

Activate your internet.

Cause the Haymission Andy podcast starts in three,

two.

Sorry, still buffering.

One.

Ahoy to my niche.

Hey, Mish.

Always.

I mean, ahoy, that I always see the panic in your eye when it's a pronunciation issue.

Oh, okay.

This one's tough.

This one's tough.

It feels...

I don't know.

We could be...

I always go to swords, but it's never...

We don't

have swords.

We've done swords.

Could be swords, could be mushrooms.

Keep going.

No, not swords.

Dooku for Jack.

Ahoy to my duku.

Jack.

Not like a...

You're not mispronouncing like a ducker eggs?

It might be dukka.

Dooka eggs?

Yeah, what's that?

Like a...

a type of nut?

Oh, ducker.

That's just, yeah, the spices and nuts that you put on a salad.

No, no, it's not that.

I mean, I'm Bunatu.

You know what I mean about the pronunciation?

Don't go to that king's very high eyebrows and

just looking at the other person with a look that says, well, I've done my bit and I'm...

deciding I did it right.

I'd be terrible if I was, you know, pulled in to commentate the Olympic Games where you just get around a sheet of gymnasts from

Eastern bloc countries and you're like,

and it's with confidence.

I need to work on my confidence rather than just hope.

Yeah, I would be terrible if I had to commentate on people I'd met before and introduce themselves to me.

It's known as the three universal truths.

These are the three marks of existence according to Buddhism.

Buddhism, great.

Okay.

Well, okay, a good one.

Not a salad dressing and not a a sword.

Are you going to tell us what the truths are?

Oh, Hames is, it means like instability.

Yours is.

Like impermanence.

Yep, impermanence.

A dissatisfaction for you, Jack.

It means it can lead to suffering, of course.

And then I am no soul.

Yep.

So they're the three universal truths.

Were you thinking, Jack, that there'd be good ones?

Yeah, I thought they'd be positives.

I thought it'd be sort of dissatisfaction.

I thought it'd be like satisfaction.

No, but I think the whole idea would probably be like you just, you make peace with that, but nothing's permanent.

You're not going to be happy.

You don't have a soul.

So just acknowledge that and get on with it, babe.

And I'm paraphrasing the Della Lama.

He doesn't use babe very often, but I think that's the gist.

I think when Mr.

Ralph, not that we should mention him,

when you lose that access,

I think you're going to have to deal with great,

a great ripple in the universe.

And you must acknowledge that nothing lasts forever.

You will need that, Jack.

May that time never come.

May I reject one of the truths wholeheartedly?

He will live forever.

Ahoy, also, to Ashley, who's in New Zealand with AmySandy.com, tell us what she's been up to.

Ahoy, SP, Andy Lee, and the little weasel boy.

Ashley here from Imberkagle, New Zealand,

which was once referred to by Mick Jagger, I believe, as the asshole of the world.

So I guess you could say it is a very common man of me living here.

Also, while I've got the microphone, I would like to say a special ahoy to Bailey Allen and Isaac Fishlock.

They are long time listeners, no time callers to the show.

Get rich, boys.

Love your work.

Ciao.

Get rich.

What was it?

Get wrecked?

It sounded like get rich.

Like they've got there working working on something.

Yeah, I feel...

Oh, it could be.

It could be another million-dollar idea.

We've done a show for an Invercargo.

Boy, oh, boy, do we have it?

We know it well.

And you did the movie down there with Brett McKenzie.

Two little boys.

Great film.

Everybody knows the quote.

Everyone in Invercargill knows that.

Was it Nick Jack?

I think it was Keith Richards.

It could have been.

One of the stones.

One of the stones.

And what they meant was it's like one of the lowest towns on the planet.

It sounds like it has various meanings.

Oh, it's not a colour.

Which I could have said the heel bone of the earth

exactly exactly a sturdy ankle

which of course is the lowest bone of the body

um we better move on because

some tall hat updates yeah i've been keeping abreast of the whatsapp that i've got access to that i'm too scared to chat on um occasionally i'll just say yes to them um i'm talking of course about grace who is an aerodynamic engineer who is going to be designing our hat that will be the tallest in the world or it requires is one of us um dana haim and i now to walk uh i think it's 10 meters in the hammer 10 meters yeah and then there's sam yeah who it works in compositing plastics and carbon etc and he's going to build it for us they've got a whatsapp going between the two of them that i've got access to and it forces us to have a segment like this

The Inside Word Conversations of Tor Hat Construction.

Thanks to Topstage Advanced Composites.

We make cool stuff out of fiberglass and carbon.

That's right.

Yeah, that's right.

I forgot we had an ad in that.

And when you see the figure of what this thing's costing,

let that ad play.

Can I say they've both been amazing?

And hats off when we eventually get it to Topstage Advanced Composites because they are doing some amazing stuff.

There was fifth, I had to transfer this to a Word doc so I could send it on.

55 pages of correspondence that they've been going through.

And I'm trying to distill it to the things that are important to us and the listeners.

Now, I only hear snippets, Ando, from you, from this WhatsApp, and you do save it for the show.

But, you know, we get a lot of emails.

Everyone's fascinated by this journey, and we get a lot of emails from people.

We had one the other day, two that's come to mind.

I don't have them with me, but essentially, but shout out to who sent them in.

One person was going, look, I've just started crocheting.

Maybe I could crochet the side.

And you love the gesture, but you go, guys, you don't understand the materials we're working with.

We're going space age.

Thank you for your offer but we're not knitting a hat this is not we're not mucking around well they did say i probably couldn't be bothered doing the whole thing but someone could do it

let's let's stick with that thought home perfect segue because

we had all assumed a felt hat i think we talked about that on the show

the guys are listening in real time to us talking about them and their designs and i picked up on the whatsapp that that was a concern for them i want to bring up the felt that Hamish mentioned.

I don't know about you, but I haven't been considering this yet.

It'll definitely add more weight.

My understanding was we were doing exposed carbon.

What are your thoughts?

Yeah, I thought we were doing exposed carbon too.

If they are wanting it to be covered in felt, I don't see why we would need the big carbon tube.

We could do like a core tube with spokes holding the fabric up.

The only reason I'd rather stay with the big tube is a part of our cost cutting is my boss wants to produce one meter carbon top hats following record

what what

what

of course he does of course he does you don't invent a new hat and not immediately you don't invent a market and then abandon it

on it he has they've made the mold and they're like well

you know it's in meter slots so we're going to slot one you know six six together meter slots together so i just thought that's the same thing.

Man, good on him.

How many times are you?

I'm so glad they're checking, though.

Yeah.

Because of course we don't need Felt.

No, we don't need Felt.

I think we just would have said it as an offhand.

You've got to remember, whims will be heard.

Yes.

And they may create logistical log jams.

So yeah, I didn't care about Felt at all.

Right.

Great.

Because the one thing that I did notice, Jack, when I see and I'm following the WhatsApp is every time we have a little bit of a natter about it on the pod.

It it throws spanners in the workforce.

Well, yeah, they're like, oh my gosh, do we need this?

So I just had to assure them

don't go off whims of us.

No, no.

This is like what working in the White House must be like.

Yeah, yeah.

Where just someone gets up and goes, you know what?

Actually, reverse it all.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yes.

That was quite a big job.

Now the hat's wearing us.

Okay.

Yeah, well, we'll have to change that a bit.

Sure.

So

the six-meter tall hat, they were worried about what they call COM center of mass.

Yeah.

And they were trying to get that as low as possible, obviously, with these lead-weighted brim

to allow the balance.

This is a little bit of what they've been talking about on that front.

Center of mass is way too high above the brim for my liking.

We'll start to mess around with thickening up the tube closer to the head and potentially some lead inserts.

Center of mass is currently 2.93 meters from the base of the hat.

That's borderline unwalkable.

Is that with the lead?

No lead yet.

Showing the importance of the lead.

Yeah.

It is borderline unwalkable because the whole thing,

from what I remember from high school science, things topple once the center of mass gets outside the footprint.

Yes.

Like then it starts to pull itself over.

So the higher it is, obviously, the easier it is for that to get outside my feet.

And then that's why I said, or your feet, whoever's piling it, I'm just have to believe that I'm the pilot in case I do get called up.

And I'm sure you're thinking the same way.

Absolutely.

But that's why I said whoever is the pilot, there is a good chance of leaning forward and then beginning your march.

So as it's falling forward, you're like chasing underneath it.

Yep.

I wonder if we just sprint for 10 meters, you know, like with your head tilted forward.

Do you have to get to the end and 10 meters and have it?

Remember, the hat would be left behind if you took off underneath.

No, no, no, I'm not.

I'm not sure if I can do your tip forward and then like sprint and then sprint.

Yeah.

I think you might have to go for it.

Do we need to get to 10 meters and there's three white lights like weightlifters?

Like

do you need to hold it?

Do you need to hold it at the end of 10 meters or can it topple at the end of 10 meters?

What I love about us going outside the Guinness system is who cares?

Like, because I was going to say, there's nothing in the rule books that says you have to stop at 10.

And I actually, Guinness.

guards their conditions too, because that's what they make you pay for.

But I mean, there's no rule book.

I promise you, nowhere on this earth is there there like a book that goes, they, and then the contestant must stop 10 seconds afterwards.

You just have to get the hat and the human across the line, I would say.

Okay, great.

I just want to make sure it's not that one where like

where you have no control of it, but you've managed to rush it 10 meters across the line.

I think that would disappoint people.

It doesn't look as good, I don't think.

No, that's true.

I would say, what about we just go like league rules?

You have to be in control of the ball over the line.

You just have to look like you're in control of the hat over the line.

And then just for a fraction of a second, then after that, it's celebration.

You have to turn around and wait for the ref to give you a thumbs up.

And the full man has to get over the finish line.

It's not like you can tip the hat in and have control and then it can fall over with the man still behind the hat.

The whole hat is over.

Whole hat, I think.

Yeah, attached to head.

Final one then.

Obviously, there's talk of center of mass and there's talk about the lead that they're going to put in the brim to lower that center of mass.

Then this message came through from Sam.

Andy, we like to clear top stage of liability regarding any injuries due to the weight of the hat.

Genuine request from my boss.

That's a worry.

That's a worry.

That's a worry.

See,

we're getting a lot of people also writing in.

Got a few people that work in the mascot game and going, hey, I'll pilot it because I'm.

I'll, you know, I have a heavy hat or a heavy cat's head or whatever they wear in their mascot game.

But they do say, yeah, look, neck strength is a serious thing.

You know, it's going to take some time to build up the condition to balance something that heavy.

A couple of the mascot heads are about 10 kilos, they reckon.

But I reckon you do bear a bit of that on your shoulders.

Well, I just said, yes, we will.

Of course we will.

It's not just liability for the person wearing it.

Imagine you tip the wrong way and you crushed some spectators.

Yeah, well,

that's why I was so against the chin strap too, Jack, because I'm like, you get a 12 kilo weight on your head that starts falling falling the wrong way.

It's going to snap your neck.

Yeah, yeah.

You want it to be out of relief.

You want to be out of bail.

You mean you don't want it, but as a last resort.

I think we would sign a waiver that cleared them or whoever the pilot is because it would be a bit of a snitch up.

Go there on the day, wear this hat.

They've spent thousands of dollars in six months engineering, run over and go, ow, hurt my neck.

I'm suing you guys.

I didn't know that would happen.

I didn't know the world's tallest hat would be heavy.

Well, I did one thing that made me feel

like you do see in the movies when people are pushing the team.

I just said, make it lighter.

And so they've gone back to the drawing board.

Hold on.

And that, and

everyone loves that guy on the team.

Yep.

Make it lighter, cheaper.

But they said they'll look into that.

And so that's interesting.

We're pushing them.

We're pushing the design with

the elements.

And we'll have an update for that that for you guys next week.

Okay, great.

Because that does open the door to my suggestion I had for them.

Oh, what's that?

Make it even lighter.

Wow.

Which I'm going to do after Andy's all been carried out.

And we've become a safe place for people that...

don't just suffer from a regular amount of empathy, which isn't really a suffer.

We all hopefully enjoy a regular amount of empathy.

So we can think about what it'd be like to be another person.

But sometimes you have too much empathy and it becomes almost a crippling situation because you can't stop thinking about not just people, but placing human emotions onto things and worrying about the things as well.

And that is why we do extreme empaths.

And the opener of the segment is every single song in the world, so no songs feel left out.

This is a classic one from Dan.

I think this sums it up perfectly.

Says, at work, we get a paper shredder.

When I know it hasn't been used used in a while i'll shred a blank sheet of paper so he doesn't get hungry

just

that's interesting with an open mouth so he wants to eat that's the thing the idea that the shredder wants to eat that's the part that's always interesting when people start adding feelings to inanimate objects is i always thought he was going to freak out for the paper going through.

So yeah, the paper's mining.

It's just going about its day and then suddenly like,

someone's just shoving paper in your mouth.

Yes.

But no, he's hungry for paper.

He wants to eat it.

This one came in from Emily.

Extreme empaths.

I spent hours making my partner a cake in the shape of a minion for his birthday.

Yep.

It was actually very good.

I mean, obviously, Amy, you make very good cakes, so people be cautious.

If the minion's standing up, that's a very, very impressive.

I dare say it was probably a flat lay minion, but still a difficult shape.

And you've, you know, depending on how delicate you want the icing and the eyes and stuff, well done.

Problem arose.

Every time he went to cut the cake, he pretended the minion was screaming in pain.

I got upset and started crying and took the cake away from him.

Nothing more than feelings.

Yeah,

you can't give birthday cakes or piñatas human feelings.

No, because there's a salt at the heart of the party ceremony that needs to take place, whether it be cutting or bashing.

And

this is...

This is one that's like, God, this is getting into the weeds here.

And it's not even my most complicated one for today.

Okay, great.

This is from George.

So If my partner does the ironing, they have to judge the amount of water they need to pour into the iron versus the amount of clothes that require ironing.

If there's any water left over, they feel sorry for the water that doesn't get to experience the sensation of becoming steam, like all the water before it.

If there's no clothes to iron, they'll stand and move the iron back and forth on the ironing board till the water runs out.

I have watched them stand there for 10 minutes post-ironing so all the water can be set free into the atmosphere.

Nothing more than feelings.

I was like, if you've you just think about every little drop that's coming, that's like, this is it.

This is what we wanted.

Strange.

So this, in this case, the water has the feelings and the iron is inanimate.

So the iron is like a theme park and the water is the participants going to the theme park.

And she just doesn't want the theme park to close before everyone's had a chance to go on the rides.

This is from Poppy.

Extreme empaths.

My partner and I were recently on an overseas trip.

When we saw our Qantas plane arrive and passengers get off, she started to get really sad that the plane wouldn't get enough rest before we had to go 14 hours back to Australia.

Nothing will happen.

You kind of get it because it's like Thomas the Tank Engine world.

That was sort of the whole basis of Thomas the Tank Engines.

You'd catch some grumpy engines if they had to go straight back out.

But again, Jack, you've probably still almost in Thomas World.

Wasn't the motive for the trains?

They liked doing their job, didn't they?

They weren't like, oh,

I believe I've got to lug more coal.

I think one of them was Grumpy.

Gordon.

Gordon.

Yeah.

You named him.

I didn't know until I named him that.

I did remember there was a Gordon in the train set, but I didn't realize he was the

one.

The Grumpy one.

And I think he's got a problem with any job he's handed, he's got a problem with it.

They haven't weeded money to your family.

He's always trying to get free carriages from the other trains.

From my memory, they've got a real issue with the coal.

They have to carry like coal trailers or whatever, and they kind of hate them.

It's like this weird.

It's a nicer thing to carry a passenger from memory.

Yeah, they don't like there.

There's something there, like they think the coal carriages are like.

They just don't like working together.

It's a strange one.

It feels almost like it wouldn't be PC.

Like it verges on this, like a weird kind of class separation.

Anyway, with the last extreme empath I had, the water had the feelings.

Similar world now, but this is from Matt.

And it's not the water that has the feelings, it's the vessels this time.

Because the guy, I'm an extreme empath.

I've got a trait that I hadn't thought too much about until he started talking about it.

When I boil the kettle for a coffee or tea, I make my beverage first, and then I feel really bad for the kettle.

just holding on to excess boiling water for no reason, likely suffering in the meantime.

Oh.

So I always pour out any additional water into the sink to let it cool off.

Fortunately, then I feel bad for the sink.

I was just seeing them.

I was just seeing them minding its own business before a blast of boiling hot water hits it from nowhere.

So I always make sure to give the sink a quick blast of cold water

so it doesn't get too upset.

P.S., you might be thinking I feel sad for my coffee cup in the same way as the kettle because suddenly it gets boiling water on it.

But actually, no, as the cup was designed for coffee, and at least in my head, head, this would be the happiest time of the day doing what it was supposed to do for a brief moment.

The kettle's designed for hot water.

Yeah, as well.

I mean, I suppose that's.

I mean, Jack, you can't, you can't reply.

I don't know how Matt's ever got out of the kitchen.

He's just sitting there splashing hot water on this, cold water on that, putting the placeman on the table, but then rushing, giving the placemat a rest over here.

So it had to be on the table, then putting a blanket on the table because now it's cold.

Australia is a bad thing.

It's just a nightmare.

Yeah, Australia goes into deep drought just because Matt has to keep flushing.

Nothing more than feeling.

Hain,

there's something that I'm using socially that I think you do as well.

I think you're very good at it.

A lot of people do it.

I just think that I'm...

Very good at it.

It's a situation when you bump into someone that you know,

but you can't remember their name.

Oh my God.

my whole life yes outside my house even sometimes in my house and and you have your wife or partner with you yep

and

you then say oh have you met my partner because that's the way you get into it yep as a way of getting their name out of them yeah and then they go

oh yes introduce themselves And then the trick is you repeat their name so close to when they said it.

Do you pretend that they've been a bit rude by talking over you because you were doing the drunken stuff.

Yes, yes, I know.

I've never done this before.

Except, I'll give it one tweak.

Have you not done this before, Jack?

I'll give it one tweak.

I'll go,

I'll go, um, have you guys met?

And then that will start them on the, oh, hi, I'm Peter.

But before Peter can do that, I'll go, you guys met.

Yeah, you've met Zoe before.

And you go, hi, I'm Peter.

And we go, Peter, have you not met Peter before?

I thought you guys had met.

That's that's that's it.

I'm, I'm, I'll actually make it sound like I'm about to do introductions, but really the topic of my conversation is why we don't need to do introductions.

And Peter will usually slip up and offer a tidbit and I can tell Peter off and go, no, Pete, I think you guys have met before.

No, we haven't.

My mistake, Pete.

So I thought you'd met Pete.

That can't work every single time.

It can't.

Because there's different times, for instance, an old man at the golf club that you see very irregularly that if you're in the, you can't go, surely you've met Zoe who.

i'll try anything

i like to do and we can play our own game here i like to do

while they're saying oh beck nice to meet you i'm during that phrase somewhere i'll go this is over them

wait for them to insert then repeat their name well yes i mean that's beautiful and

pulled off well

it can even with the magic of confidence it can sometimes even make it seem like you said it first yes So to give everyone an example of this, say the guy's name was James,

right?

And he came up to me.

I've made some audio representations of this and then we're going to play the game without knowing the names.

Say the guy's James.

He comes up to me.

Good, Andy.

How are you, mate?

Oh, yeah, great.

Great to see you.

You know, Beck.

No, I haven't.

My name's James.

James.

Yeah.

That's how it works.

So I want to test all of us on our individual, but I've told the producers now none of us know names.

Obviously, I had the advantage of having James the name.

I tell you what, the AI representations are speaking a lot quicker than I'm used to.

But let's start with Haim.

Yep.

You'll have someone, it could be a female or male come up.

Am I talking first?

Are they talking first?

They'll talk first.

You then have to introduce, you have to say, do you know Zoe?

Yep.

And then during

his response,

pick your moment to try and get in with their name.

Absolutely love it.

Good luck, Ahmed.

Here we go.

G'day, Hamish.

How are you?

Hey, great to see you.

I'm sure you've met before.

You met Zoe before, my wife?

No, I haven't.

My name's

Mary Ellen.

Yeah.

Have you thought you guys had met?

Pretty good.

My wife.

Pretty good, I feel good.

Jack, do you want, are you confident to click the buttons as well as do it or do you want me to get around there?

No, no, I can click.

It doesn't have any details on here, so I should be fine.

Okay, play fairly.

Okay, good luck, Jack.

You're saying you've never done this before?

I've never tried to do this.

No, but it's always a good time to go first.

Okay.

All right, here we go.

G'day, Jack.

How are you?

Oh, g'day.

Have you met Bianca?

Uh, no, I haven't.

Uh, my name is this is Roberto.

You might have seen Broberto there.

Fast, it was.

it was really trying to beat Roberto.

Did you speed our ones up?

They are fast.

So anyway,

I'm nervous because I haven't actually listened to these out.

This is actually a good thing to do if you meet us in real life and you suspect we're doing this.

Because it sounds like Roberto was trying to trick Jack.

Have you met, you guys have met, have you met Bianca?

No, I'm Roberto.

Just in case he's trying to say my name at the same time.

Roberto.

And you don't know this one either.

Oh, I don't know.

I'm actually a bit nervous now because they are.

They're firing out very quickly.

Yeah, someone adjusts the setting on this bowling machine.

Okay, here we go.

G'day, Andy.

How are you?

Oh, wow.

Great to see you.

You've met my fiancé, Bec before.

No, I haven't.

My name's Adriana.

Adriana.

What was the huge pause?

Oh,

you went way too early.

You went way too early.

This is.

Two, three.

This is you.

You swung in the batting cage before it even been pitched.

Good though.

Actually, email that is to me, Jack.

I'm going to practice at home.

Get my timing right.

See if I can beat Roberto.

I think if you end up with that poor situation, you've got to think that you've got to make it look like you're choking.

Oh, this is sneezing.

Yep.

I'm kissing.

Something.

guys,

I come to you and the people with an admission.

I think it's important you get ahead of this stuff, an admission of crime.

Oh, yeah.

You've actually committed the crime?

It seems so, unfortunately.

And there's not a lot I can do about it now.

I had to pop over to New Zealand for a business affair recently.

And

well thank you i'll i'm gonna pop you down as a witness if that's i can do for business yeah and

um it was a quick trip it was only a couple of days

and going through you go through you know obviously you go through new zealand security and um you know international security when you land

new zealand is And I'd like to say, state on the record, I completely back this up,

quite

maniacal maniacal about biosecurity coming in, like for invention, very and and so they should be beautiful ecosystem, got to protect it.

If you ever go with your golf clubs or shoes, they'll

give them all the wash, give them a clean because they'll have a look.

And if you've got any grass, you have to sit there and clean them in the airport.

And it's nice

fun thing.

Our mate Ryan Shelton, years ago, we went across, we're going on a hike.

He'd been wearing his boots in because he was a bit worried he hadn't gone on a hike since he and I and hike when we went to school together.

He'd been wearing his boots in and they landed and they said he got hiking gear.

Yes, is it dirty no i think it's pretty clean had a look at his boots bit of mud on them and to go at the back and he had to write a letter um he had to write an essay saying i understand

now no biosaire yeah

he wasn't gear he had to fill up a page um

and then and i don't know who you give it to they just file it it's so new zealand though isn't it yeah so anyway we go into security

And when, you know, knowing all this, all good, all good.

You've got to put your bag through the scanner and then to get out of the airport, the backpack.

The guy brings the backpack out and he goes, Is this your bag?

Yep, because something in it.

I said, It usually just happens, and I've just got like I don't know, a battery pack or something.

And I'm like, and my bag, my backpack has a lot of compartments.

It's actually the world's best backpack,

one of many that I own.

So, I'm like, Listen, you might not be familiar with this particular backpack.

Where is it?

Where can I, how can I help you?

Can I find this thing for you?

He goes, Uh, no, I'll I'll need to do it.

And I said, what is it?

Is it like a battery?

Or he goes, no, it's round.

Like an air tag?

I said, is it or like a camera lens or something?

He goes, just hold on a second.

He goes, did you do a digital declaration or did you fill out the paper card?

I said, I fill out the paper card.

And then he goes and gets the paper card and hands it to me where I've said like, no, I'm not bringing in all this job.

He goes, is this your

handwriting?

Yes.

I said, what's going on?

And he goes, and is that your signature he said yes can i ask what's going on he said please step back while i open the bag

okay well we're really not talking to me here but can can i ask what's going on my mind

are you worried at all yeah

for reasons i won't go into but this my mind's like what could be in here have i made a big mistake here

have i bought something that's that you just shouldn't bring across borders.

I'm like, no, no, I'm okay.

Like, and of course I'm referencing like a knife or something yes but i'm like no no i think i'm okay anyway digs down in the front pouch of my bag which i very rarely go into

pulls out an apple an apple oh what did you think it was i thought when you said it was round i thought it's got to be your eight coin coin

you're trying to yeah move across borders with something like ten thousand dollars you said you had no monetary instruments no worse an apple oh and he says is this yours he said well,

I said, this is going to sound like a line, but I've never seen that apple before in my life.

My uncle gave me this bag.

And yeah,

and I had a whole boogie board full of apples.

So I was like, no, I don't know where that apple came from.

And he goes, do you, but it...

Did you see it just came out of your bags?

Yes, we've seen that it's come out of my, I'm not pushing back on you here.

It is my handwriting.

It is my signature.

And he said, okay, so you admit this is your apple i said well i admit it's in my bag and it's a small red apple and um

and i don't think you put it in there like a magician i believe your hands actually didn't show me your sleeves like they have to at the casino which i would have liked before you put your hands in my bag but for the purposes of not making a scene I will testify that I don't believe you to be a close-up magician and I believe myself to be at fault here.

So I'm like, where is this?

Because putting an apple in my bag is not something i can kind of have consciously ever done that's not a move and it's fresh well no but i mean apples these days it was kind of waxy but when i when you because i was like it can't be a freshie no and i squeezed it and it was

a little it wasn't like brown and decaying but it was spongy you know that feeling but quite great that you've got it found i know i know you're risking never being able to go to new zealand again but that could sit in the bag forever i mean amazing and it was under my emergency rain jacket that i have in there right which i never use either it's just a nice thing to have in your bag.

And I've got the room.

I've got the compartments.

So why not?

Do you know what it occurred to me?

So he takes me out the back.

And as we're walking out there, I'm like, when did this apple get in my bag?

I think it got in my bag when we were in South Africa months ago.

The last time we would, I would have like packed that bag for an expedition.

I took the kids for a dawn hike.

And I reckon it was a hotel apple that I've thrown in there as a backup.

And they've, you know, that's why it's like been so well preserved because they've just got that ability.

So I'm like, I have taken that through many airports.

I have taken that across the seas, like back into Austin.

Literally from the other side of the world.

I've flown it across the ocean, across Australia.

I've nested it.

I've sat on it.

I've incubated it.

And now I've brought it to New Zealand as a gift for the New Zealand people from South Africa.

So the guy sits me down and I have to, like, he gets my passport, photo is a passport.

And he's like, well, this is on your record.

I was like, what are you?

What?

I was like, what is it?

Am I going home or can I stay?

And he goes, you know, you can stay in New Zealand, but it's a $400 fine.

What?

Because I was like, well,

okay.

I said, look, you know, I understand you've got rules and rules.

You've got to enforce the board.

I said, but it does seem like an accidental Apple

mishap.

And he's just going, yeah, well,

that's what we do.

You've got a $400 Apple.

How many lines did you have to write?

I rang, but I said, I'm not going to do the essay, but I've got my friend Ryan.

He will send one to her.

He's already done it, but I could just change it from hiking boots to apples, and I know I shouldn't do it.

And what does it mean to go on your permanent record?

So, every time I don't even know why you said that, how many apples are you allowed?

Like,

is it one?

Is it, you know, you got your one strike now, and then next time you try and pick another apple?

Yeah, I was just sweating because I had so many bananas taped under my arm.

I was just going, don't worry, sweet.

Just let us out of your mouth.

We're on to my folks' house and we're going to watch the footy.

My dad has the smallest TV you've ever seen in your life.

That's still the same one.

Is it?

Well, is it a flat?

Is it like a plasma?

It is a flat screen.

Because remember for a while.

Yeah, he had the deep

well into the reign of plasmas and two queen secrets.

He had a tube.

He had a CRT tube.

It's still flat screen because I sold it to him.

Yes.

I was working at the Sony shop that sold...

Well, it was actually your TV.

Wasn't it your 21st present?

That's right.

And then you sold it to your dad.

You sold your TV to your dad.

I didn't sell it to him.

And this is what's interesting.

And that's why I wanted to give you guys today a brief history of my dad's TVs.

Okay.

Let's be quick because there's probably only two of them.

Because I said to him, Hey, mate, think you need to buy a new TV.

He goes, Never bought one in my life.

And I went, Really?

Wow.

How is that possible?

Talk me through it.

Said, when we first started teaching, it was when I was on a, he's a primary school teacher, me and mum.

It was a chance we had a wage, but there was a TV at the school.

So I used to bring it home for weekends in school.

And it would have been massive.

It would have been huge.

Was it on the

wheel mounted?

Yeah, yeah.

So Dad.

It would have been a trailer.

Would have been a trailer situation.

So dad used to bring.

the TV home from school for school holidays.

I can

on weekends.

Unfortunately, unfortunately so my wife so zoe similar situation when zoe grew up grew up in the country and they didn't have a tv but zoe's mum worked at the nearby prison and she'd bring the prison tv home on the weekends

so it had you know property of gold and jail on the on the on the side and she was allowed to bring it home and it was a tv vcr kind of combo yeah i know the combo

that was the only the only like link to the outside world they had was like four vhs tapes Also, I think borrowed from the prison.

And then I had to go back Monday.

I don't know why the prisoners weren't allowed to watch movies on the weekends.

Yeah, they're still there on the weekends.

It's not like the school kids.

You'd think that would be peak time.

I'm only just realizing this now that there was probably riots on the weekend because Gertie had taken their TV.

So then I said, okay, yeah, but you would have owned one since those early days.

And he said, yep, first one we owned was Nutter Wadding Primary School, The Raffle.

We won it.

And we won a TV in 1980.

And I said, love this.

Great, great.

So how long did that last you?

And he said, that lasted us 20 years.

Because then you...

You had the one.

You would have been around 20.

He said, then...

Hamish and organized a TV for you from Sony Central that your mates bought for you for your 21st century.

I think we all chipped in like $40

to get you a TV.

And when you left home, you left left that for us and we've just had that.

And I said, but that's not the one you've got now.

He said, no, I won another one.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

Are we bringing back special skills?

It's Mick's special skill that he's never paid for a TV.

I said to him, right, right.

How'd you win the other one?

He said, I was in at Ted's cameras and we were going overseas.

I thought I better buy a video camera.

And Mark, the sales assistant suggested I put my name down for the raffle

and he won a second one the Panasonic he currently has now how big in a raffle

so I said well great dad I think it's time to upgrade it maybe you grab a smart TV and he's like yeah what's that I said don't worry about it I'll work it out but just just tell me and what what size is your TV at the moment and I can work it out and he said yeah mum doesn't want it too big we don't need a big TV I was like, yeah, I think you probably could go a bit bigger because it's very difficult to see.

So I said, can you just tell me how big the TV is?

He wrote back, it's 20 inches.

Oh, my God.

That's tiny.

That's a computer thread.

Jesus.

It is

more than the

Qantas in-flight back of the chair TV.

I used to get teased for a 32-inch.

Yeah, that was about where the teasing began.

42-inch was standard.

Nowadays, 63 is the norm.

It's like 20 inches.

It's a big Apple watch.

So I said, oh, look, can we go a bit bigger than the 20 inch?

Does he know about bigger ones?

He couldn't even get a 20-inch TV anymore.

Can we go a bit bigger than the 20?

And he said, yeah.

And I said, send me a photo through it.

Right.

The frame of it, you know how TVs just go to the edge?

The frame of it has like a inch frame

they're scamming him on the tweens it's a 14 inch

so i said where do they do they sit across the room at the other end

where do they find out there's pictures associated with television they just thought it was radio plays

so i said oh look i think you could go up to a

40 inch.

He's like, no, way too big.

We can't go double.

Just don't

make it.

Can you look into what's the next size up?

And so I logged on to find out what TV I should get him.

There are none at the size he wants.

I was going to say the smallest would be like 50 something.

So I said to him, I can get you a monitor.

I can get you a green and black medical monitor.

You can probably

be on the trust?

I'd encourage you to go bigger.

Like, I feel like it will fit fine.

I think you'll get used to it.

It might be a small shock of the system, but you'll actually be able to see where the football is because that's all you're watching.

Watching football, of course.

That's even worse.

We can tell where the footing is.

All the blobs are moving in one direction.

You get the idea of where the ball would be.

So I sent him some options at 43 inch, which I think Jack still can't.

It should blow his mind.

It's like IMAX for him.

He's like, and they're, you know,

he said, 750 bucks or something, right?

Like at a good top of the range one.

And he's like, no.

TVs are unbelievable compared to what they used to cost.

Like, that's the one thing that's gone down.

He's like, mum, that thinks too big.

Too big.

So I said, all right, I found one that's 40-inch.

And he said, okay, yeah, we could go to that.

And I said, but it's really expensive because it's so bespoke.

It's like

being made for the space station.

So it's nearly $3,000.

I said, I would recommend.

You can get a 63-inch for like $500.

And he's like, hmm.

All right.

Let me come back.

So that's where we're at.

You know what we need to do?

We need to create a fake raffle.

Yes, that he wins.

Door to door with a fake raffle.

Great.

That's a great way to do that.

Just go, you know, hey, raising money for scouts, whatever, colour raffle tickets, because then you can put the TV that you want.

And give him like an 80-inch TV.

We'll do this.

Watch this space.

Everybody will see it.

Yeah.

Seems to be the one way he acquires a TV.

No questions asked.

By winning one.

Thanks for listening.

The Hamish and Andy podcast will return next week.

Catch up or contribute at Hamishandandy.com.

Oh, watch your step.

Wow, your attic is so dark.

Dark.

I know, right?

It's the perfect place to stream horror movies.

What movie is that?

I haven't pressed play yet.

AT ⁇ T Fiber with Al-Fi covers your whole house.

Even your really, really creepy attic turned home theater.

Jimmy, what have I told you about scaring the guests?

Get ATNT Fiber with Al-Fi and live like a gagillionaire.

Limited availability coverage may require extenders at additional charge.