2025 Ep 298 - Blowing Crumpets Wide Open

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One.

Ahoy to my divergent, Hamish.

Just try and guess which direction I'm going in because you won't be able to because it's often two yep i diverge ahoy to my convergent ahoy i feel like we're in the math science realm yeah something we probably learned at high school and forgot

see it is ringing bells but i'm confused because is the bell that ringing just that i know those words oh yes yes are these just english words that i know my science i would say is a part of it transform i am but i would say say it's more

geology.

Divergent, convergent, transform.

I'm out.

We are the three main types of tectonic plate boundaries.

Oh, gosh.

No, it's good.

That is good because, look, we often complain that if you can't...

If it can't be something that you get the fun of getting straight away, then you learn something.

Yes.

Well, divergent boundaries are commonly found along mid-ocean ridges.

Yep.

And they're plates, tectonic plates that move away from each other.

Sure.

Convergent boundaries, tectonic plates that collide.

Yep.

And transform just a bit of

rumbling around

changing.

Convergent, they create mountain ranges and transform boundaries.

They're tectonic plates that just slide past each other.

Ah, gotcha.

Like ships in the night.

Horizontally.

Without bothering each other.

Yeah.

Not worried.

Not worried.

I think the noise I made was because I think my son's doing this stuff at the moment in geology and I should have.

It rings a bell.

Do you help a lot with homework?

You're there for pop quizzes and stuff.

Certainly he's going to sit there playing chess.

Well, I revel.

I quite enjoy.

He's in a sweet spot because he's in year five and it's exactly

year five thing is exactly the sort of like level where a grown-up can very confidently remember and get it right.

That's why they made a TV show out of it.

I reckon that's exactly it, Jack, because it's just hard enough for you to have to think for a second.

And that tricks you into thinking you're smart because like there'll be a maths question or whatever, and you'd be like, what's that going on there?

Oh, you got to add those two together.

And because you did three seconds of work, you're like, God, I'm very good at this.

Do you remember you're 43 and you're beating 11-year-olds?

Yes.

But they do learn specific things at that age when it comes to like particularly history and stuff that you're like, oh, am I going to recall that?

Yeah.

Ahoy also to Gab, who used the the very easy

system at HamishNewy.com to tell us what she've been up to.

Ahoy boys, gusto to you.

This one is for Jack, a life lesson from my three-year-old.

Just this morning we were building Hot Wheels tracks and he asked for help because he said, mummy, I'm just a little boy.

As I leaned into help, he stopped and said, but I can be a big boy too.

And I thought, that's a great lesson.

And I know who would appreciate that.

So, Jack, that one's for you.

Thanks, boys.

Love listening to the pod.

Well, the missing second part of your sentence.

I have a three-year-old, and they are noticing that it's really important in a three-year-old's life to go from little to big.

And he, so, he's at the moment now where he's saying that he's a big boy.

And a couple of times, I've thought it's weird to have a dad who's a little boy in this side.

Just

a family that's all out of whack, size-wise.

Hey, you wanted the top of the show today for some important work.

Let's get straight into this no padding or the quick little bit of admin, housekeeping, but it's not padding.

Okay.

The crumpet blows something wide open, crumpet gate.

Yes.

The accusation was leveled by alert email

listener last week on the show.

Just, I did say there'd be no padding, some slight padding while I get her email.

Cassie.

Yep.

Cassie emailed in and said, hey, listen, I live in Adelaide.

I went to Brisbane.

I love eating crumpets in Adelaide.

That's till I got to Brisbane and I ate the crumpets there.

They're fluffy.

They're thick.

They're incredible.

Thought it was a one-off.

Went back to Adelaide.

Can't find any crumpets.

Same brand.

Same brand crumpet.

That has to be made very clear.

Yep.

Yep.

Because I know nowadays you can get an artisan crumpet.

We're just talking about supermarket crumpets, which are and should always be good enough for everybody.

You can produce a great fluffy treat for breakfast should you cook them properly.

She was blown away.

Then she's talking to a few other people and they'd also experience similar crumpet variants across Australia.

Now you do a bit of digging and you go, okay, they're not all coming out of the same factory.

And then different factories are going to get different wheat.

They're going to be made different ways.

Is there a way to definitively test where the best crumpets are?

Which ones are little fluffy packets of paradise?

Which ones are kind of like dry-old sponges?

You asked for crumpet mules

in each state of Australia to go to the supermarket get the same brand of crumpet and send it through to you that's arrived with us here in the studio boy were they great shout out to our crumpet mules that made it through that we selected we had a lot of applications but kyle for new south wales cassie south australia um wa charlotte tasmania phil and queensland harry much appreciated right victoria was sent but didn't make it in time sadly so they are not in this and also tazzy doesn't seem to have got here so we've got new south wales queensland w-in-sa because i also was like you've got to send them yesterday i don't want stale crumpets but you kind of got to like send them yesterday do it today so sharp turnaround on that kyle who works with us here he's just gone and cooked them not kyle sanderlands different kyle um just we don't trust him not having a bite on the way back

so just for those wondering what sandalans does after he knocks off of a morning come and cook our crumpets okay so cassie who's our obviously our original emailer she sent in the South Australia version but the others have done a great job and she thinks the Queensland version is superior superior and that's what we're going to try and back up in the test and so what we're going to establish in this blow something wide open is in fact that they are different that's the first thing to

and i can already tell from the look we've got four warm crumpets in front of me i even feel like number two seems fluffier really let's look it however and you don't know which is which you don't know what's come from which state no i I only have them labeled one, two, three, four.

And he has the case.

Why he has to sit over there away from the crumpets.

He's got the key.

Quick, look at this postcard from Queensland crumpet mule Harry.

Just a beautiful Gold Coast postcard.

It says, Enjoy the plump fruits of the north.

So you get the sense that they know.

They know, they know, and they've been sitting on this for a while.

Okay.

Gusto to you.

Let's get ready for the test.

And before we do, we haven't heard this for a while.

Stand back.

She's set to blow.

Look out.

Fire in the hole.

Amish is blowing this wide open.

Amazing.

Amazing.

He's done it again.

Oh, what a quick guy.

Another week, another case.

It is an absolute barrage of cases.

It's like we're in a mine.

Oh, gosh.

Someone stop for a sec.

Clear the rubble.

Get the gold.

All right.

I guess I just go through from one, two, three, four.

On first looks, I'd give the appearance to number two, but that could have come down to how Kyle toasted them.

Yep.

But here we go.

Got to say two, these, I'm just doing crumpet and butter.

For those that are butter aficionados, I went for pepesea butter.

Oh, good butter.

The best because the company's paid of it.

Now you would know there's little silver.

It's the real wheel.

It looks like a breeze cheese.

Yeah, big nose.

Oh, the big nose, yeah.

And that's you fine to say that because that's their ad.

They say the big nose guy.

Have it a go.

He knows.

Yeah, he knows.

He put himself on there.

He deliberately goes in profile, too.

So he's milking it.

All right.

Before you jump in, everyone at home will hear what state the crumpets are from as we go through this.

The first crumpet is from

South Australia.

Fluffy.

The rim

and base

of the crumpet.

God, crumpets are good.

Something strange.

No, no, but you've got to admit, like, this is a subjective test, so you have to involve your emotions.

Yes.

A little chewy on the rim.

And I probably didn't get as much.

The difference between the

top, the cloudy bit, and the base.

Yeah, I feel like the texture changes close to the base there.

Okay.

So number one.

Number two, everyone will be able to hear which state this came from now.

Queensland.

Hey,

what are you feeling about that?

Hmm.

That was a good crumpet.

Okay.

Better than one or worse than number one?

I feel like it's slightly thicker than one.

Slightly thicker.

Thicker, which makes it better.

Okay.

Is that you telling you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thick and fluffy.

Thick and fluffy.

Number three.

Number three, this one's from

New South Wales.

oh

noticeably chewier tough much tougher on the bite

your least favourite so far well I noticed it during the chewing session there

um

we you know you regain not trying to brag but my teeth are able to overpower it easily yep and um

mash the crumpet into submission so it becomes what I want it to become but in that initial bit it had a lot more resistance on the crumpet than number one or two in a bad way

yeah i would say it didn't kind of like fluffy falls apart and that put up a fight is that ranking three now

if you had to rank them no that is number three but is that ranking number three in yours yes it is so so far i'd say we got two one three two order of order of podium this last one is from

western australia

four

yeah four again that tastes a little that might even taste a little drier now

that could be user error because i I bid in.

You know, sometimes the crust curls up.

I bid in at a slightly curled up bit.

I put that down to my own thought.

I was excited and I just jumped in there.

I could have bid into a better position on the crumpet.

So it might be a cooking issue, but

I'd say in order of success, we've got

two, one,

four, three.

Okay.

Can you say categorically that they're different now?

Yeah, I felt it.

Yeah.

Yep.

And

Cathy was suggesting that the one from Queensland

was the best.

And I suppose we're just testing the other states.

We're just testing the other states because it's fun to eat more crumpets.

Well, Haim,

I'm going to go from the bottom to top.

Okay.

Really bad news for you as you live in Sydney.

But your least favourite comfort is in your hometown.

Wow.

New South Welsh crumpet is the inferior crumpet, and I see.

Second,

don't bother getting on a plane because

the second most inferior is a Western Australian crumpet.

Long way to travel.

Good wheat in WA, but so you wonder what's going on.

You wonder what's going on there.

And then obviously if I say second, it's going to give away first.

So I'll just do first.

You've managed to correctly identify what Cassie is saying.

Oh, my God.

Queensland is fluffy.

Oh, my God.

And I, and even from appearance, as it came in, and look, I'll be honest now, with the benefit of hindsight, you know, the others one, four, and three were close.

It really was just two that had

that little, it just had the X factor about it from the beginning.

What are they doing?

It was so sure of itself.

Yeah.

As Harry, the mule, said, they are plump fruits of the north.

How is this?

Why are they they fluffier

i'm as shocked as anyone else is because really let's again be honest the chances there were just one in four like yep i mean you would think going to this i had the thought as they came in i went okay

this has been exciting but like this could just be four grumpets

this is random but two from the get-go felt different and bloody hell.

Even looks different.

You identified it as fluffier to the eye, but also to the taste.

It's like when you go back and you see young footage of, you know, superstars or whatever.

Like when you see Gosling in the Mickey Mouse Club and you go, look, I know I'm just saying this because I know it's Ryan Gosling now, but he had it.

He had it from a young age.

And I just felt that way with the Queensland crumpet as it came in.

It charmed me from first look.

It didn't disappoint when I bit through it.

And

the others couldn't do it in the big dance.

And the groundbreaking revelation is the same company.

You're getting different crumpets in different states, Which, I mean, I don't want to steal your thunder.

Do you want to point to Jack for the explosion, or do you want me to?

Yeah, I'm just saying.

I mean, when Queensland gets wind of this, they're sitting there going,

you know, we've got the Barrier Reef,

everything else, you've got the Olympics coming up,

and now we've got this.

They are just going to be smug as hell, but they earned it.

Tame,

in the past, I've come to you because you can guarantee if I follow a script where I have to ring someone to get out of a sticky situation, the script that you provide will be perfect for the conversation and get me out of the sticky situation.

Think of it like a late night TV commercial.

At Excuse Pro Services, if you follow our script at Excuse Pro, you will get out of anything that you've found yourself in, whether it be hot soup or hot poop.

We will try our best to get you out.

If you follow the script, all we need is a few simple details.

You've got to fill out our intake form.

I might as well do the intake form with you now, Ando.

Okay, yeah, sure.

Because this relates to an issue that you had on, well, specifically May the 19th, I believe it was.

Yeah.

Beck's birthday.

A few weeks ago now,

it's the kind of thing you get reminded of, but I did forget to say happy birthday to Beck when I woke up and it was her birthday.

For a man who receives so many happy birthdays every single day.

Don't celebrate them.

i know i know and ando just so i can fill the form here how many hours into the day was it when you said happy birthday under two we'll call it two

and did you remember yourself or were you prompted i may have been prompted yeah okay and it's you woke up you went out from what i understand from what your form you've pre-filled in yep you went for a walk with the dog yes And it was when you're outside across the road from your apartment building in the park

that you were prompted.

does does this day ring a bell yep in in any way yep that's fine and that look can i just say off the top of the bat here at excuse pro member services we

don't judge we just need the facts

um getting judged over here by jackie mcjaxter how would you sometimes our interns sometimes our interns will judge you yeah for sure they haven't done the full training we are a little bit shocked um what did beck say I can't remember specifically, but it's just like, what a great way to start my birthday or something like that.

Walking the day.

Okay, we can fix this.

That's fine.

A couple of things here.

So the target is Beck.

Yep.

And you live in, at the moment, you live in an apartment building.

Is that correct?

Yeah.

Great.

How many floors is the apartment building on?

12.

It's 12.

That's all good.

We can make that work.

And I just have to ask this as part of the intake form.

Comfortable line.

Oh, yeah.

Great.

Good.

That's the whole basis of the scheme.

Yeah.

Okay.

Great.

Well, I think we've got everything we need.

I'll just send you the script now.

Tell me what you think about it.

One of our dedicated excuse crafters has worked on this script.

Okay.

We're very happy with his work.

Okay.

And I think you will be too.

Okay, I'm getting it now.

And do we?

One of our platinum members.

Do I?

Let's do a rehearsal because I want you, whilst you actually...

You obviously have to follow the script to a T, it's important it sounds conversational.

Okay.

So ring, ring, ring, ring.

You pick up, I imagine.

Hello.

Hi, honey.

I hope you're having a great day.

Oh, I am.

What's going on?

I just wanted to bring something up that has been bugging me for five or six weeks.

But, you know, since we're getting married,

the interns laughing at me.

He's a laughing.

He wants a long time to be mulling it over, but it is what it is.

But I think that adds gravitas to it.

Since we're getting married, I want to be a bit better at not having anything unspoken between us.

I agree.

That's good policy.

It's in regards to your birthday and me not saying happy birthday until we're walking the dog a few hours into the day.

Oh, yes.

I remember.

Now, I completely acknowledge that it would have seemed a little weird and kind of neglective or negligent.

And that must not have been nice for you.

So what we're doing there, Ando, whether you've done this before in your relationship or not, is just establishing some empathy.

Great.

No, no, I haven't done that.

Sorry, I noticed you stumbling over the words.

So some of these could be.

But again, remember, follow the script.

This will all make sense.

You sure?

We don't have to adjust anything.

All right.

This will all make sense.

But I can now reveal that the real reason I didn't say it was that I was trying to organise something very, very special that morning that meant I couldn't say it until we were in the park.

Oh, okay.

Go on.

I organized.

a window washing company in our apartment the high-risk

with the window washing sorry i'd organized with the window washing company at our department apartment building high-rise window solutions to hang a giant happy birthday beck sign off the window washing rig yep and it was rushing up there when

when we're outside and i wanted a giant 10-foot sign to be the first one that you saw okay yeah so don't rush that that's the killer bit so you'd organize with the window washing company high-rise solutions we've included the window washing company's name there to add some Great believability.

A giant happy solution.

To hang a giant happy birthday Beck sign off their window washing rig.

Okay, now I'm back in character.

All right.

Okay.

Well, that's weird, but thank you.

That's so romantic.

Then when I didn't see it there, you probably noticed me on my phone.

I was texting them trying to figure out what went wrong.

They said they'd have it up when we got back.

That's why I was holding out annoyingly.

They never got it up.

Oh, so you organized a 10-foot happy birthday sign for me?

I fought with them all day.

Well, yeah, okay.

You could have just said happy birthday.

I really appreciate you coming to to watch me play hockey that night.

I'm not sure if we need to include the first time.

Because that's what she did on the day of the birthday.

Yes, you did.

You made her go to your hockey game.

I think you have to say thanks for coming to my hockey game on your birthday.

Okay.

I really appreciate you coming to watch me play hockey that night, even though you missed my goal.

I mean, she did miss the goal.

You said in your intake form, she got there late and she missed your goal.

You probably noticed I was a bit distracted at the drinks afterwards because I was still talking to the window washing company, trying to get the bloody banner organized because I spent thousands on it.

I did notice you're a bit distracted, yes.

And so, in the intervening weeks, I've been trying to get them to make it up to up to me, but I just heard this morning they've gone bankrupt and have completely vanished without a trace.

So, I thought I'd better let you know that on what's happening, let you in on what's happening.

I explain the reasons and explain the reasons.

I may have looked uncaring the morning of your birthday.

Yep, okay.

well that does make a lot of sense now it feels great to let you know the real story

boom wow huge good it's really good okay

it's really good we got what need a sign that and that's why and i think you add that bit in like in the intervening weeks i've been arguing them because it makes it sound like that's why you haven't told her this earlier yeah you were hoping they'll do a make-good and then you've just found out they're bankrupt gone without a trace and off the internet and so they've vanished and i don't stray from this script

Well, yeah, read it properly.

Obviously, that's why I wanted to have a go.

I've just made it a bigger font as well.

Okay, great.

Um, but don't stray from it.

What if she goes and asks me something else?

You have permission to loosely to do some very, very, very constrained improvising to get it back on track.

Constrained.

Um, yes, but okay, yes, but here we go.

Hey, honey.

Hope you're having a great day.

Yeah, you too.

I just wanted to bring something up with you.

It's been bugging me the last five or six weeks.

And, you know, since we're getting married, I just wanted to

just be a bit better at having these kind of conversations and anything unspoken between us.

Yeah,

you're trying to crank me.

Why?

Why would you think that?

I can hear it in your voice.

Well, I know, I'm just, it's just in regards to your birthday.

What?

And me not saying happy birthday when we're walking the dog a few hours into the day.

Yeah, so what's why is that my problem?

Well, I just, you know, I completely acknowledge that, you know, I would have seemed a little weird and...

kind of negligent and

I just that wouldn't have been nice for you.

It was fine.

It was fine.

Yeah, but I can now reveal the real reason.

I didn't say

it was that I was trying to organise something very special for you on the morning and I couldn't say it at the time.

What was it?

I still haven't got it.

Well, I had organized a window washing company, the window washing company for our apartment, the high-rise window solutions.

Oh, shut up.

I'm running my...

Okay, well, no, I had to

hang a giant happy birthday Beck sign off the window washing rig.

And it was meant to be outside, and I wanted the giant 10-foot sign to be the first one that you saw on the day.

Okay, great.

And then when I didn't see it, you probably noticed that I was on my phone, I was texting them trying to find out, figure out what went wrong.

And, you know, they said they would get it up there.

And that's why I was holding out.

And annoyingly, they just never got it up there.

And I fought with them all day.

Cool.

Yeah.

And so I was.

Maybe it was a Tuesday.

I know that you're in at.

Yeah.

Yeah, mate, mate.

What am I meant to keep going here, Ham?

I mean,

you said it was just the way you read it was so clunky.

It was so bad.

So clunky, Beck.

He's stumbling, he's stopping halfway through sentences to go to the next paragraph.

It's not really the way I look at it.

It's not written conversationally, to be exact.

In the hands of a professional, it absolutely is conversational.

Anyway, I did.

Also, Beck picked that it was a prank so far earlier, but Hamish kept silently doing it.

Keep going, keep going, because he was eating something.

I could hear it in your voice.

Maybe you've lost it.

Maybe you've lost the ability to prank me, Andy.

I haven't lost it.

You will be pranked by the end of the year.

But Beck, it's just, I'm using a service.

It's called, it is an excuse management service.

And to be honest, I don't think I'll use them again.

Okay.

Keep an eye on the outside of the building because that happy birthday Beck sign might be there.

That actually would have been a welcome birthday gift.

Yeah.

The windows need a clean.

Okay.

No, sir, they're putting a sign up, not a sign up.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're not cleaning the windows.

Anyway,

well, they've gone bankrupt now if you actually listen to the script as well.

Anyway, I really appreciate you coming to watch me play hockey, even though you missed my goal.

Oh, you're fine, I think you'd have to do that.

No, not to mention a chicken soup.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sounds like a cool birthday.

Yeah, Bergie, lucky duck.

This is 35.

I hope.

See you, darling.

Bye.

I'm quite going to bed.

Well, we're not taking responsibility for that, mate.

You butchered it.

Oh, watch your step.

Wow, your attic is so dark.

Dark.

I know, right?

It's the perfect place to stream horror movies.

Play me.

What movie is that?

I haven't pressed play yet.

AT ⁇ T Fiber with Al-Fi covers your whole house.

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Limited availability coverage may require extenders at additional charge.

Hey,

ABC News broke this story.

And I know we're not a huge topical news podcast, but this is about the right length for our algorithm nbc news breaks it we sit on it we think about it we go yeah that was interesting and then we bring it up and there's certain areas that we go yeah that's us we do we don't have many but a couple of areas we claim complete dominion over and this is one the success this is the the title of the article the success of bravo as Western Australia's most popular apple export could pave the way for more varieties.

Yes, there's a new apple in town.

They're calling it the Louis Vuitton of apples

and it's a huge export in WA.

When we have any apple news, we get Brian Frangeon from the States.

He is the Appleist.

People who haven't heard him before, here's some of his work.

Hello, everybody.

It's good to be back.

I hope since I've left, everyone's taken their red, delicious apples and thrown them in a dumpster and set it on fire.

The worst apple in America.

There's a new apple coming to town that people feel like might be the next big thing in Apple Landia, and that is the Cosmic Crisp.

The Granny Smith's also an Australian one.

Absolutely terrible.

Granny Smith is the 16th worst apple on the Apple List.

It's got the acidic kick of expired medicine.

It's got a filmy texture.

It's a mediocre apple from a fruit company that's wildly inconsistent.

It is a celebrity apple, but it's more like a reality star as opposed to Tom Cruise or something because it's

something.

And you hear about it all the time.

You hear it, but then you meet you in person.

It's not as good.

I have no children.

All I have to leave behind in this world is my reviews and recommendations of apples.

And if there is even one person who is disappointed by that, then my entire life is put into question.

Brian, ahoy to you.

Thanks for joining us, Mike.

Hello.

Oh, it's so good to be back.

I'm so happy to be back to talk about apples.

It's literally the only thing that anyone asked me about.

Well, I mean, you've carved a niche and you are sitting atop, you're sitting atop the pile of all apples, casting a judgmental eye and taste bud across them.

First thing I guess we've got to ask you is, we're getting a lot of people writing in going, hey, has Brian heard about this?

Does he know about this apple?

It's blowing up in Western Australia.

Have you had the Bravo?

Oh, my God.

I am way ahead of everybody because I was in Australia three years ago and I got to sample an early version of the

Bravo Apple before

the rest of the world, before it was in the news.

You think that I didn't try this apple before it's in the mainstream news?

Wow.

So you're like talent scout.

That's right.

I seek out these apples.

I try to find them.

I'm a man whose life revolves around apples and I think it would be a discount to my entire being if I didn't try them before the general public.

So

how did you learn?

Well, how did you learn about the Bravo three years years ago, and they're just cottoning on now?

That's right.

Well, I coincidentally visited Australia three years ago, and I happened upon one.

All right.

I mean, apart from that bit in the Bible with the snake, that's one of the most mysterious apple stories I've ever heard.

How did you happen upon one?

I was in Australia.

I don't go to Australia very often, even though it is one of my favorite places to go.

And I said, well, while I'm here, I must seek out the apple varieties in season.

It just so happened that the Bravo apple was fresh off the presses, and I got to try one three years ago.

Well, don't you think that's a good question?

Give us a game, guys.

Yeah, it's currently also known as the Saloona overseas.

Now, is that the same apple, but they're just rebranding it?

Yeah, well,

there's a couple of reasons for that, and one of them might actually be underhanded.

The Bravo apple is a trademarked apple, which is very similar to Australia's own pink lady apple.

And that means it requires very stringent quality standards in order to actually be sold under the bravo name so for example if you're buying a pink lady in the store and you you know that the flavor profile the sweetness the skin the look of it all reached a certain threshold of standard if it doesn't reach that threshold it's called a cripps pink

Really?

That's right.

Cripps pink, which you should throw right in the trash.

It should have its own crypt and it should be buried.

Don't be fooled by these underhanded grocers who are trying to sell you crypt pink and tell you they're pink lady prices.

They're not the same apple.

Well, they are the same apple, but they're just...

The vintage wasn't rotten.

That's right.

The Bravo apple is the same thing.

It's a trademarked apple and therefore they have stringent quality standards.

That's why whenever you see a Bravo in the store, it is the most handsome apple you will ever come across.

If I could be an apple, I would be a Bravo apple because I know that I would be the most handsome apple in town.

The Bravo Apple is this consistently beautiful apple.

Every single apple that you see is nearly perfect.

And the reason for that is, is because they take all the ugly ones and they throw them away.

Really?

They won't give just any apple the Bravo badge.

So the naming of the Bravo Apple is apt.

Like they obviously just tried it and there was a slow hand clap and they were like, well.

Bravo.

We've done it.

And we just can't name it anything else.

It's a great name for an apple.

And equally as great is how bad the Saluna name is.

Do you know what Saluna means?

No.

Sun Moon.

Oh, Saluna.

Right.

No, it does sound like a Hyundai nine-seater model, doesn't it?

Yeah, you're right.

I just can't, I don't understand what they were thinking, taking a name like Bravo and then...

internationally marketing as an apple called the Sun Moon, which has nothing to do with the Sun or the Moon.

It doesn't look like the Sun or the moon.

Maybe if it was a yellow apple and a white apple, it could be the sun and the moon.

But it's this beautiful burgundy apple that's named after a white rock in the sky.

So, we, for the lay people, we look at the pink lady as the high standard here in Australia.

Where does the bravo sit alongside the pink lady?

Well, I would prepare for your mind to be blown because I predict right here on Hambish and Andy that within the next 10 to 20 years,

the Bravo apple will overtake the pink lady as the most popular apple in Australia.

Wow.

Now, that is a timeline we can get around.

I'm going to take a leaf out of your book, Brian, because I accidentally sometimes put six to 12-month limits on things thinking that will never happen.

But 10 to 20, that's

like where I want to put my predictions.

As you put in the clips, I predicted on your show that the Cosmic Crisp Apple is going to be the next big apple in Appalandia.

I think that was in 2020 or something.

Now it's 2025, five years later, and what I said came true.

What I said came to pass.

The Cosmic Crisp has overtaken one apple after the other.

It's moving up the ranks in the international Apple rankings.

It's moving up the ranks in my Apple rankings, and it is becoming the most popular Apple in the world, whether you like it or not.

Okay, we're going to have the Bravo.

Bravo's also storming towards that pinnacle.

I mean, is there a way?

We don't have offer financial advice on this show.

You know, we do from time to time.

It always check with your local accountant.

But I, can you, can you invest in Bravo Apples?

I mean, should we take some money as a show?

This is like our crypto.

Are we too late?

Or are we too late?

Are we too late?

Have we missed the Apple Rush?

I would suggest investing, finding out.

I don't think there is a way to invest.

I'm not going to just lie.

Yeah.

Feasibly you could invest in the orchard or in the

distribution company, but it's very unlikely that an Apple orchard is on the public market.

Frangie, thank you so much for joining us, the Appleist.

Everybody, you can look him up.

But we really appreciate that.

Look, some kind of endorsement.

Set your alarm.

Set your calendars.

And Australian Apple

35 to 2045, somewhere in that zone.

The Bravo will rise to the top of the pile.

See you, Brian.

Thanks, Brian.

Bye.

Guys, I was in the

car last night and a game happened to me just due to circumstance.

Yep.

I tuned in, I got in the car, it was on AM radio

and I must have been listening to a cleaning specialist where people ring up.

I think I've heard her on before.

Yeah.

Where people ring up and talk about the stain or the thing that they want to clean.

And she.

She did this as well, Jay.

I think she's she's got a regular segment once a week because i've heard her before it must be regular on mondays because a guy did say as i continue

sorry i have to say at this

set mere seconds ago i was scoffing at this segment and now i think i would like to listen to it you know you you'll be surprised at how

how much you you lean into the radio to find out how to get like red wine out of a carpet yeah i'm interested i am interested

when i joined she was describing the remedy but i didn't know what they were trying to clean And I was left going, what are they trying to clean?

That's a good, that's a great question.

So I've gone back and got the audio from last night's cleaning segment.

And I've got two bouts and two rounds of what are they trying to clean.

Yes.

One AM Radio.

A.M.

Radio's treasure is our treasure as well.

Yes.

Because the weird thing was, I heard, I finally found out what they were trying to clean the first one.

got a call in the middle, the call completed, and then I was in the middle of the second remedy and I got to play the game again.

How does it work?

Do we just yell out what we think the stain is, or does it have to be stain in something?

The first thing is what they're trying to clean.

It's actually today, it's not a specific stain, it's an it's a thing they're trying to clean.

Gotcha.

You'll hear from the cleaning expert first with the remedy,

and then we'll go back and hear.

But we'll have time to guess, won't we?

Yeah, we'll pause.

And then you guys will both get don't ruin the game for us.

We want to play, yeah.

And then, after all guesses, we'll go back and hear what the caller asked the caller was caroline in this situation and here is the remedy don't use commercial cleaners commercial cleaners are actually abrasive and they damage the surface and when they damage the surface they make the surface rubber so that dirt can actually stick to it so you're actually making a rod for your own back when you want to clean it just sprinkle it with with a little white vinegar and rub it with with a pair of pantyhose and then paper towel do not use newspaper.

Okay.

First, I mean, firstly,

it goes against my policy of not using commercial cleaners.

I believe you always should read a commercial cleaner, no matter what the task, surely more powerful is better.

Hospital cleaner, even if you're not in a hospital.

Yeah, you'd be a sucker for any of those infomercials to say now.

Not interested in consumer grade, anything.

Yeah.

Professional grade, everything.

So, but what the vinegar was a giveaway for me: is it wood of some type?

Is it like cleaning a wood, like a wood chopping board or something with vinegar?

And

then you rub it with pantyhose is a tricky one.

But maybe is it getting stains out of a wood, like a wood chopping board?

Jack?

I'll go for a couch, some type of upholstery.

Okay, let's see what Caroline rang up with.

I'm just wondering, because we're in drought conditions, we've got two outdoor glass tables and they're constantly covered in dust all the time and it takes me forever to clean them.

I've got it.

Glass.

A glass table.

Yes, but I think in terms of what's closer to a glass table, a chopping board is much closer to a glass table.

I think neither is close.

One is flat and hard.

I'm going to give it to Hayes.

I just don't think that that was upholstery type stuff.

We're never ever using newspaper on a calorie.

She said said don't use upholstery.

Don't use newspaper, you mean?

Yeah, yeah.

No one would be tempted to use newspaper on their couch upholstery.

Interesting, though, so she was black print on this couch.

God, she sucked us in here because I always use newspaper on glass.

So she's saying don't do it.

That's what I thought might have been the clue for you guys because that's when I was starting going, oh, maybe she's talking about glass.

I've never heard of newspaper on glass, though.

Was that a myth?

I don't know.

I always just use like Windex and newspaper as my go-to.

Don't anymore.

it?

I won't.

I won't.

I won't.

Don't tell her.

Okay.

Tom was the next caller, although I didn't hear him.

We'll hear him last, but here is the remedy for Tom's call.

What area of his

or object within his house or garage is he trying to clean?

Okay, there's a couple of things you've got to do.

You'll need to get some cigarette ash.

Yes.

And you need two tablespoons of cigarette ash, two tablespoons of white vinegar and two tablespoons of bicarb soda.

Now if you're a non-smoker and you don't know where to get cigarette ash, go to your local pub with a bucket and a switch.

You sit over the top of the bucket and you empty an ashtray into it and the ash will fall through into the bucket.

Just don't wink or smile at anyone while you're doing it and then you just empty the butts back into the ashtray and take your ash home.

Well,

this is in three parts, this one.

More and more clues come, but any early clues.

Tips on how to steal ash from the pub, yeah, which I thought was really huge.

Whatever it is, it's got to be valuable because you wouldn't put that amount of effort in.

Oh, old people have time on their hands, Jack.

This she's assuming this guy's got enough time to walk down to his pub,

also walk back in time to the early 2000s when pubs had ashtrays

and then just go and get one and empty it out.

Any early guesses?

Well, it's me.

It was cigarettes, ash, with bicarb soda, was it?

It was like making a paste.

Yeah.

It could have been silver.

Does this do something to silverware?

We'll continue this.

Okay, it's body exciting.

When you make your mixture up, it's two tablespoons of each, bicarb soda, white vinegar, and cigarette ash.

You must do it in an inert container.

That's a non-metal container, either ceramic or glass.

and you stir it with something like a bamboo skewer.

Don't use metal when you're stirring it.

It's such a witch's spell, isn't it?

The DaVinci code was easier to solve.

I feel like this is the potion that Beck mixed up and dabbed behind her ears to make Andy fall in love with it.

That's a witch's job.

I'm sticking with silver.

That's why she's carrying on about no metal.

Yes, I think metal is important because

she doesn't want it to touch metal and

platinum or tin.

Okay.

Clean Clean your tin.

Okay.

Got the deer listening.

Then you leave it sit for five minutes and get a rolled up pair of pantyhose

and put a pair of rubber gloves on because it can irritate your skin.

And that's what you clean all the hard surfaces, like all the plastics and all the metal surfaces.

You wipe it on.

leave it on for five minutes and wipe it back off again with a damp cloth.

So it's something that has hard metal and plastic surfaces.

Something's happened to his car maybe.

Interior of the car maybe.

Let's have a listen.

I bought a car yesterday and a terrible cigarette smoke

smell inside.

Powerful ah from the host.

Well done, you Tritonica.

That's interesting though, isn't it?

So you use cigarettes to fight cigarettes.

Fire with fire.

It's so strange.

That's wild.

They bond to each other

and you can take them out.

I'm addicted.

People might have seen these on Instagram stuff where people

get the old, like a 1985 Corolla or something and then completely clean the inside like

fastidiously and bring it back to showroom condition.

And it's all this stuff.

It's all this stuff.

It's bloody addictive.

Well, do we want to play again?

I mean, should I be listening to this show every week?

I actually really enjoyed that.

Yeah.

I think I would like to play one more time.

Thanks for listening.

The Hamish and Andy podcast will return next week.

Catch up or contribute at Hamishandandy.com.

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Dark.

I know, right?

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What movie is that?

I haven't pressed play yet.

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