2025 Ep 291 - ⁠The Fate of Specials Skills

A listener production.

Activate your internet.

Because the Hamish and Andy podcast starts in three,

two.

Sorry, still buffering.

One.

Ahoy to me, Flush Hamish.

Thank you.

I hope we are exciting things you can do with a robotic toilet.

And Jack is the B-day or the drying mode.

You can flush with a normal.

Well, we could be.

I mean, if we're poker hands, this is pretty easy.

Ahoy to me bung.

I've never heard that in poker.

Something to do with boats, though.

No.

No.

And I am the J-Loop.

Let's hear it.

It does sound a bit like toilets.

We are the elements of a cannula or an IV drip, as you would say.

Yes.

Took me a second.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The flush is a small amount of fluid that's injected into the IV drip to keep the line clear of blood and medication, residual.

The bung is a small cap or valve at the end, and the J loop is the short extension tube shape with letter J that connects the IV to the cannula.

Good on them.

I would have thought if you had a bung, that would be slang, but good on bung for being an actual medical term.

Because if they were like, we're just going to bung bung in, yeah, like bung on,

maybe that's where bung comes from, like bung it in.

Is that a saying?

Oh, right.

Well, the bungs on a boat are the little plugs that you put in the bottom to like either stop it leaking or drain water out.

They're your bungs on a boat.

So, and you do bung those in.

And that is

a cable valve in the boat.

Yeah.

Guys, we've accidentally started off with a great origin of a word,

but we are here for grander things, Ando.

But before we do, who's gone to the massive

very ants going to the website uh whatsapp's not safe

very safe hey mishnadi.com is where you can go and upload your audio chloe's done that to let us know what she's been up to hey guys i just moved into a place a month or so ago and realized that there's a army of ants that loves to come out in the evening and cover my kitchen.

No matter how clean I keep the kitchen, they're very persistent.

So they they get into the kettle and water jugs and everything.

And

I used to tip out the water in the kettle and give it a good clean and whatnot at the start, but they just get in every day and you know, you've got to save that water.

So

now I just...

So the ants are in the kettle, I just boil the kettle anyway and I just drink the ants.

Fast and loose.

Very

fast and loose.

And yeah, I I mean, that's bad news for the ants, but you hope the signal is getting sent, but that's not the place to go.

If one escapes and goes back, yeah.

You should let one out every time.

I mean, fast and loose, is that fast and loose?

Or is that too much for you?

Well, no, I thought you'd like it, Ando, from not wasting water because you'd have to pour the water out.

And extra protein.

I'm not sure.

Anyway, we've got bigger fish to fry.

Today was a very important day for the show as a whole.

Episode 291, something we'd done from the very beginning.

And it was all placed on one young man's show.

It's called Larry.

Of course, I'm talking about special skills.

Last week, the almost flawless system of a conclave was able to elect Larry as the chosen one to save the segment.

Essentially, it comes down to this.

If you heard last week's Conclave, you know exactly what we're talking about.

Larry says he can run faster than anyone else in the world on his knees.

It's amazing.

Yes, he's an able-bodied guy, but he just obviously kneels down onto his knees and goes, okay, that's my skill.

And

gone, I'll give Andy a 25-metre head start over 50 meters.

I'll beat him.

We said, okay, we took him down to an oval this morning as the chosen one.

If he wins, he saves the segment.

Never have the stakes been higher.

by his members?

Wow.

Okay, here we are.

Day of reckoning.

Larry, how you feel?

You've had a week now as the chosen one.

How is it sitting?

Good, good.

I got my preparation in.

I've been well rested.

Got my training in.

I'm ready to go.

Do you always go barefoot?

Oh yeah, typically.

Typically.

Is there an advantage to that?

Feels better to be in touch with the earth, I suppose.

I can feel my surface.

Yeah, but but your feet won't be on the surface.

The knees will be.

Good point.

But

just in case they happen to touch because the top in the top of your foot.

Yeah because it's not giving you an advantage.

But I would consider that poor form if my foot did graze I suppose.

I've got a few questions about how the race is going to go down itself but first I kind of just want to acknowledge the moment.

We are here at a usually kind of nondescript oval in the Melbourne inner city suburb of Albert Park.

Whichever way this goes today, this will become historic turf.

It's either the place where the chosen one has saved special skills or, no pressure, ruined it.

Forever.

No pressure.

For everyone.

What I like about your demeanor, Larry, is you're a lovely guy, but also, dare I say, Ando,

hair reminiscent of another famous chosen one from history.

Oh, absolutely.

Yeah.

Jesus, SKI.

Yeah, exactly.

The fact that you're going to have, again, to some passers-by, they might look over and go, that's a bloody Jesus running on his knees.

Or just something like, you don't have the fear.

He's going so fast.

It might look like he's floating.

Yeah, like, I thought he did it on water.

Hey, you can do whatever he wants.

You know, whatever the conversation is, the fact that we might have a bit of that going on is great.

We've paced out here the rules of the race.

You're doing 50 meters.

Andy's only got to do 25.

It looks so close for Andy to get to the end.

Are you sure?

It looks close.

I'll give you that.

I just, I don't know, it's your first time running.

This is something I've trained in.

It's something I specialise in.

I just.

I mean, if you...

That's the words of a chosen one.

This has got the makings of excitement because I'm like, Andy's going to get this.

Yeah.

Jack on the way here said, am I conflicted?

Because obviously if I win,

you've killed special skills.

I killed special skills.

No, Jack, I'm not conflicted.

My want to win is too strong.

You still eternally be a hero to yourself going, wow, I meet meet the guy that was meant to be the best in the world.

And you know I like fairness.

You know I'm the one.

Yeah, yeah.

I've got a question about running on your knees.

So you said before that the soles of your feet shouldn't really touch behind you.

What about

any hands touching the ground?

Hands never touch.

Yes, no, I think for you they won't because you know what you're doing.

And just in my imagination, your arms are going to be pumping.

Those little pins of yours are going to be moving to catch Andy.

I'm worried about him falling forward, Andy falling forward.

I wanted to ask the rules on that.

Because Because then he could be galloping.

So, but I assume I'm not allowed to crawl.

I don't want you to.

No, but I assume that's not the skill.

Yes, and this is what you'd never have to talk about in full-leg running because

it's clearly not an advantage to bend down and use your hands.

But in half-leg running, I think it would be against the spirit because there is a coordination aspect involved.

There's the balance of being on your knees.

What about this?

Is Andy, because he's new to the sport,

two strikes.

You're allowed like a stumble and a fall and you get back up to running.

But I don't want to see any use of it.

Because this is an equivalent of hitting a hurdle, say, where you're not out of the race because you hit a hurdle, but it's going to slow you down.

You wouldn't be doing it.

I think

if I stumble and fall like twice within the first three meters, it's a disappointing race.

I just think I should never be able to use my hands to have propulsion.

Turn propulsion.

Yep, great.

They have propulsion, just corrective maneuvers, then back to running.

Sure, Larry.

Like,

it's incredible.

I look so close up there.

You look so far away here.

I just,

I don't know.

I just can't imagine you knee running.

I just, I just, like, I can't,

to a, to a pace where I'm not confident.

We've been out of this week practicing knee running.

Okay.

Okay.

Well, I mean, all I'm saying is, is to me, it looks astoundingly hard for you to win this.

Yes, we will be perplexed and in awe if the chosen one pulls it off.

That's why there is two eight coin coins on the line for you.

Now you're talking.

Well if you're the chosen one, then we can't shortchange them.

Which is wild.

And hence, I'm going to be going very hard, Jack, because two eight coin coins.

Protect the treasury.

Protect the treasury.

I want to see you both give it 100%.

Okay.

110.

All right.

Larry, take your mark.

Andy, you go halfway down the track and take your mark, Jack, let's go to the end.

Yeah, yeah, you're obviously something.

No, don't go near that cone.

We just marked out some dog poo over here.

So Andy and Larry moved to their respective starting blocks and started getting into position on their knees.

I don't normally do a warm-up, I'll be honest.

Seeing Andy with a 25-metre head start really did emphasise how impressive this feat was going to be if Larry could pull it off.

I honestly cannot see him gaining that amount of ground.

I noticed immediately that Larry, as a professional, knows what to do with himself at the start line.

He was in a great position.

Larry's actually side on, like he would start for a sprint.

Have you noticed that?

And Andy.

He's like facing forward.

And he's facing forward, which you would never actually see at the start of a sprint.

Like with a man

two feet besides himself, looking forward, it looks so strange.

Larry's, he's actually.

He's going to push, he's going to

like as you would start a race.

Whereas Andy's like a security guard.

He now has things to be in those position

moving forward like a robot.

So it all came down to this.

The chosen one, Larry, with 50 meters of grass in front of him and history to try and save special skills and cover himself in glory.

Bit nerve-wracking.

Fit on the line.

And the most competitive man I know, Andy, doing his darndest to try and win at a sport he's doing for the first time.

And also simultaneously ruin a treasured segment forever.

Who would triumph?

Let's find out.

Larry, are you good down there?

I'm ready.

Andy, you good halfway up the track?

And confident.

Like, like, seriously, confident.

Yeah, I actually don't need to yell to you.

You're very close.

I'm just going to do survivor rules.

When my hand drops.

Yeah.

Knee racers ready.

Yep.

Set.

Go.

Oh, no.

Oh, they're off and racing.

Oh, my God.

Andy looks like Andy too.

Andy, not too bad.

Oh, my gosh, this is going to be close.

This is close.

Oh, my God.

No, no, no.

Andy's actually pretty good.

Larry's just past where Andy's left.

Andy's going to win.

Andy's going to win.

No, he's going to win.

Larry's going.

Special skills is over.

Andy's won.

Larry did pretty good.

I'm very

freaking who is behind.

Larry was very good.

I would say he won by about four to five meters.

Larry, you were very fast, but yeah, Andy won.

Zero heat from behind.

When did you guys know it was over?

Well,

even up until like the last two meters, I was like, well, this is going to be a miraculous way.

Larry is a revolution to get going.

But I mean, you you were very fast, Larry.

Yeah.

I mean, you would have killed him off a standing start.

Look, some would say it was optimistic.

Yeah,

that's the problem we've run into.

Well, we were.

Yeah.

Some would say the heat of the moment got to me and I went a bit big, but we're really gambling with the entire segment there.

Yeah, look, that is.

I also felt that I started pretty slow and then found my stride.

And Larry, you did fall a bit at the start.

I did.

I did have a bit of a sleep.

Yeah.

Yeah, I did sleep.

That was my first time ever doing that.

Well,

maybe Andy's the chosen one.

And Andy has so much special skills, our special guy.

He was amongst us all along.

Is that kind of work?

If you want special skills to keep going,

it'd be nice.

It'd be nice.

Andy.

For losing by not too much.

Jesus.

We'll have to have a good think about this.

Thanks for coming back, Darler.

I hadn't mentally prepared for that

jab.

So yeah, we'll process this.

Thank you for having me.

I can't believe we're not giving you two coins.

Well done on the journey.

Yeah, thanks.

And really, very impressive speed, just not twice as fast as possible.

Yeah, maybe a third as fast.

1.33 times as fast.

Sure, well.

And some could say that's special, you know?

Yeah.

We kind of relied probably a bit too heavily on you to set the distances.

And I'm just really sort of realising now we've passively gambled away

an enormous bench.

I gave him heaps of options.

I did say

the whole thing.

I'm like, are you sure you want to do this distance?

And again, like all great specials because the thing we can take out of this is it felt amazing before we did it because like imagine if they get this right even halfway through it felt amazing thinking wow larry's really got a lot of ground to cover this is going to be so special

i'm going to witness this with my own eyes and we nearly did yeah

well very familiar territory

Okay.

What a morning.

Now, even listening back to that,

I go, and this doesn't come as a surprise, but like we were just talking on the way back in the car.

I was not ready for Larry not to win.

No, no, any of us were.

And I think what it comes down to is this, all my experience of chosen ones is through film.

Yep.

And they always succeed.

I actually can't think of an instance where I've seen or heard of a chosen one that does not succeed.

Good point.

I mean, I'm sure they exist.

I'm sure before David versus Goliath, there was other people that fought Goliath and would have been lovely for them to win to, but they got crushed.

You're right.

We don't know their names.

We only know David because he was sort of the chosen one and he

won against the odds.

And you have moments in the film where the chosen one is a little down and out and doubting himself, but by the end of the whole experience, you're wowed.

And I thought that might have been during the race.

I thought...

gee, it looks like he can't win, but I know he will win.

So I wonder how he's going to do it from here because Andy's only one meter from the line now and Larry is 10.

So I look forward to the next one second

and remembering that I doubted Larry as he zooms past Andy, but it did not eventuate.

And just

for completeness, when we finished the race and we went, oh, well, bad luck, Larry, he didn't knee sprint back to the car like quicker than we've ever seen in Wowis then.

He tried.

Like there was no coming.

That was it.

That was it.

He tried his best.

He absolutely tried his best.

I was sort of thinking on the way back, I'm like, I think what we need, what we have here, let's be really honest and call this up front.

Special skills has now

according to the prophecy it's dead yep so you go okay well when a disaster like this happens on the show i think it's responsible of us to just before we let it go call a bit of a royal commission to have a look at what went wrong yep because i think if you can't learn from the death of a segment you know we could make the same mistake down the track yeah in another five or six years time so On the way back here, I was just writing a few notes down.

And this is, of course, an evolving thing.

I don't really know how royal commissions work and look bloody big two two weeks for us to have a conclave and a royal commission

we had in a coronation yeah and we've had three of the biggest ceremonies you can have yeah so top of the list and with all due absolute love and respect to how you conducted the conclave here Jack question one did Jack make the right choice for the chosen one no I feel the pressure on me and because I don't know if you remember correctly but there was a lot of issues within the conclave.

And I had to put my foot down and say, well, I'm going to sway the vote here.

And I put a lot of emphasis, all my emphasis, on Larry and the knee run.

Yeah.

Listening back to the conclave when you said,

as the guy that's running it, is, I guess, meant to be impartial.

We never told you to be impartial.

It did jump out of me as a bit funny for you to go, if I may, cast my opinion as the one man in charge of this, but I have a favourite.

Well, we're in a situation where we did know how to undo the deadlock, deadlock, just like we're in a situation here where we didn't really expect Larry to lose the race, and now we're doing a royal commission.

And I do feel I love finding a scapegoat as much as the next person.

And that's what a royal commission is, I'm realising.

It's really where does the blame go?

So I will put my hand up, but Ken.

I don't.

I actually want to defend you on this.

Oh, because I was about to come at you.

Sorry.

So before, hold that.

I was about to come at Andy and go, you could have just eased off 10% in the race and let him win.

How would we have known?

How would we have known?

The blame lies with Andy for trying too hard and not throwing it.

I actually had not thought of that, Jack, but I'm not going to throw a huge rock at Andy, but I might throw a handful of gravel in his eye because

now that you mention that, some of the blame has to lie with Larry, but not, of course, if you fail as a chosen one, don't be shocked if we're going to lay a bit of blame on your feet.

But

Larry, and some of and then all three of us the blame here is on us as well he he was so quick to suggest half the race length is the handicap it was a stupid amount it was a stupid handicap stupid it was stupid

and andy said i he said more times than we even heard there are you sure are you sure are you sure that's why jack that's why when andy was on the course he should have known how stupid it was and i'm not saying and he should ever throw it under normal circumstances but we were under stupid circumstances And maybe that is why he should have eased off a little bit.

To quote you, how would we have known?

How would we have known?

Yeah, how would we have known?

I think our listeners are so good and they look into things so amazing.

I mean, we, we,

all I'm saying is I think they detect, they would detect if I eased off.

I mean,

how would they know?

No one even knew me running wild.

We'd never done it before.

We'd have no nothing to reference.

They know.

We had a listening challenge whether Pino was actually an Italian man.

We did the right thing and I went down there in a wig.

But

Anto.

I'll take

5%.

We'd like you to take 40.

No way.

No way.

Larry can take, Larry's got to take 90.

Okay.

Oh, so there's still five on the table.

No,

I think Jack has to take more than me.

I can take more than you.

I will not take more than Larry.

Because the other thing is not only was he not fast enough, he kept giving us an air that he would be very, very very fast yeah and he was and let's not he's pretty fast you know

fast but he wasn't if he was beating on tales if he was racing andy don't forget if he was just racing andy he would have smashed him yeah he would have been andy by about 20 meters yeah right he just lost he was about five meters behind he'd race he ran 45 in the distance that time of and he ran 25.

so he's very good it's just the handicap he was so stupid that's his that's on him though the stall there's no handicap race in in the world.

Like, could I run 50 meters in 10 seconds and beat Usain Bolt?

Yes, I could.

Yeah, so

that tells you that that's a bad handicap.

That is a bad handicapic.

And no, we didn't catch it.

We were so excited.

Well, no, somebody caught it.

Andy, we did, but we allowed him to carry on.

He should have been smarter than him.

He's 22.

He's just a boy.

He's just a boy.

You should have been smarter, mate.

You're twice his age.

Yeah, but the thing is,

if he'd at any point gone, oh, yeah, good point.

The fact that he was so adamant.

We all fell for it.

We all fell for it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So what did we, okay.

What if we scapegoat?

Is that what we were looking for?

Yeah, I think we're looking at percentage sweep.

What,

Jack, you said you wanted you were happy to take some.

I'll take some as well for letting it sail through.

I was excited to see him.

I didn't call it either.

I didn't do, I was pretty asthmatic at school, so I just put my hand out there and go, I never really ran that many races at school, so I don't have the experience of sprinting that i know andy did i would just like probably need a little bit more responsibility than me he's got the track experience i don't mind where my percentage sits but i want it to be less than jack's are we can should we consider giving haim some percentage split because i'll take some yeah

okay that's good okay gotta have some

small amount but i'll take a token amount for sure let's go

haim to me sure

haim to myself five, jack ten,

and that leaves 83 for 83.

Okay, I'm happy with that.

And is this how a royal commission works?

I think so.

Actually, think about this kind of thing happening.

I think they do the split, though.

They do well often within fines.

Like, it's often like people lose their jobs.

Like, I mean, Larry would lose his job.

Yeah, he would lose.

Okay, so we've a great, we've all, okay, so we've got the blame proportioned.

I I think moving forward, you've got to go.

Okay, so what happens to the segment?

Is it dead?

Is the segment style?

I think we have to pronounce it dead.

The last thing I'll leave the commission with.

Someone might roll the stone away.

Like, Jesus.

Yeah, the saga might not have ended.

I think there's a chance that if you're talking chosen ones,

this does set itself up for a heck of a comeback.

Now it would have to be a real chosen, chosen.

It's got to be, do you know what?

There's only one person.

I reckon it's going to be at least a six-month pause.

Yeah, for

sure.

It can't be

on for a long time.

Even though we've got a lot of email correspondence about it, it's not going to be the guy that can do the nut bush and the maca at the same time.

Because we talked about that.

That is just an upper body and a lower body dance combined.

So he's actually the best dancer in the world.

I thought you were going to mention the personanda that I think actually is the true chosen one and he's out there still.

Renee.

No.

The guy that can get undressed in under two seconds.

But he doesn't want to do it.

We never heard from him again, but don't you think he's the real chosen one?

Because actually, sometimes in movies, the chosen one is reticent to be the chosen one.

Yeah, Neo didn't want to do it.

Yeah,

without wanting to give away Conclave.

Okay,

that's the only thing that can bring this back is if...

What was his name again, Carly?

She doesn't remember either.

I think it was Liam.

Liam.

Okay, that's again not.

I was going to say that.

It must be Liam.

Yep.

You don't see that in a lot of movies where you forget the Jozy Monkey.

Neo, Meb.

You know, guy from Dylan Tenz.

Guy from Dylan Ten.

Looks exactly like the guy from Dylan Tens.

Great.

If Liam, oh, I can't keep using the name if it's not, it's on his name, but if it, if, yes, the guy that can undress himself in under two seconds, wasn't it?

Two and a half seconds, five seconds.

If he...

or his partner reaches back out and says, yes, he's going to do it.

It's on them.

It's on them.

And there were so many clauses.

Where were we?

I think it was only.

He teaches you.

He requested you.

And he didn't want to get seen naked by many eyes.

And he said, only Andy can be in the room.

Yeah.

So, Andy, be on call.

We'll get you a pager if needs be.

And as soon as he's like, I'm feeling it, I can do it.

Amazing.

That is the new chosen one.

And it might be two years before

he comes out of the woodwork, but I think it's sort of got to be that.

Love it.

Or another amazing ending, TBD.

Oh, watch your step.

Wow, your attic is so dark.

Dark?

I know, right?

It's the perfect place to stream horror movies.

What movie is that?

I haven't pressed play yet.

AT ⁇ T Fiber with Al-Fi covers your whole house.

Even your really, really creepy attic turned home theater.

Jimmy, what have I told you about scaring your guests?

Get ATNT Fiber with Al-Fi and live like a a gagillionaire.

Limited availability coverage may require extenders at additional charge.

Starting a business can be overwhelming.

You're juggling multiple roles.

Designer, marketer, logistics manager, all while bringing your vision to life.

But for millions of businesses, Shopify is the ultimate partner.

Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e-commerce in the U.S., from household names like Mattel and Gymshark to brands just getting started.

Build a stunning online store with Shopify's ready-to-use templates.

Boost content with AI-powered product descriptions, page headlines, and enhance photography.

Marketing is easy with built-in tools for email and social media campaigns.

Plus, Shopify simplifies everything from inventory to shipping and returns.

If you're ready to sell, you're ready for Shopify.

Turn your big business idea into with Shopify on your side.

Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com/slash try.

Go to shopify.com/slash try.

Shopify.com slash try.

I mean, and I know you're living in a rented spot at the moment, so I mean, it could just could be just as bad, but do you, anyone here got cockroaches?

You got roach problems?

Any roach problems?

Yeah, we.

I think it's also a Melbourne.

Have you had them?

Yeah, but less.

Because I mean, Sydney.

Melbourne.

Sydney with the temperature.

It's just assumed that every house has cockroaches.

And oh, it's wild.

It's wild in Sydney.

We had a, they were building up.

And I suppose that, like, they just, because it's just the thing of as soon as you turn on the light in the bathroom there's one or two that just disappear

and you're like oh what are you guys being up to in here

and sometimes like

I always think where have you gone because when I look at a bathroom in particular no it's not good you don't want to think about it looks good because all the places to hide all the places to hide have your personal items in them

and again we've talked about this before in the past you just wish you could negotiate with them yeah to go what do you want i'll make you a shoebox somewhere and i'll fill it daily with peanut butter like you will live like kings Should just stay out of the rest of the house.

Yes.

But you can't.

They're aggressive.

They want your territory.

That's where the battle lines are drawn.

So it's annoying.

And you whack them if you can.

And that's just the ongoing battle.

I opened the bin the other night.

So we've got an island bench in the kitchen.

This light must be nice.

Pull the draw the bin out.

The bin drawer is in there.

So you roll it out.

And as I rolled it out, because they're happy in the dark and they don't like the light.

You pull it out.

They're in the light.

And there's like five and so they like scurry down into the bin and I saw a few jump like kind of run over the back of the bin into like the cavity that you've slid the drawer out from the bin drawer.

And I peered back behind there in the cave that the bins live in.

And in there, the pipe for the dishwasher runs in and it goes through a hole like into the floor, like into the water.

And so there's a circle cut out of the bottom of the cupboard that the pipe goes through.

And I saw two go down there.

She like okay.

and I went hanging out.

Okay.

To answer Andy's question, we know where their headquarters is.

It's like 10:30 at night, which for Zoe and I is past bedtime.

So this is sort of in the wrap-up of the evening.

I went, I'll just quickly murder some cockroaches here before I go to bed.

Yeah.

Go to the laundry, get the morten with the long, the long

yellow nozzle.

Yeah, the straw.

Yeah, the gun.

I was like, that's, that's the weapon for the job because I'll just pop the nozzle in there and I just pop it in there, honk on it for like 20 seconds.

So I'm like, just absolutely leave no doubt that if you're in there, I'm sorry.

This is it.

Close the drawer up, and I was like, I just assumed

they're hidden away.

They're sealed in the island bench.

And it's not nice for them, but that'll be that.

It's a tomb to them now.

It's a giant stone tomb, probably expensive one.

So I started

a very, very nice stone tomb.

Yeah, you were only the best for the deceased.

And

that's a decision that's going to, you have to, you can't scrimp on that.

As I'm cleaning up the sink, no, I notice at the, where the, where the island bench hits the ground, you know, it's joinery.

There's a little gap between the kitchen tiles and the joinery.

And a cockroach shoots out in the death rows.

Because as we all know, and I have mentioned again before, one of my big gripes in

Hess control is fast kill is the biggest lie in the world.

No

spray kills bugs fast.

He just sends them into death throes.

No, he just zooms out like, yeah, he's been dying.

So he's gone.

So it's okay.

So it wasn't.

He escaped it.

Well, yeah,

he's run out.

I mean, he's obviously been dealing with some things in there and they've just run out and he's just like, like, bonks into the wall opposite and is kind of like flipping around and like zooming.

So I take you off and I squash them.

I go, okay, one got away.

Then another one shoots out.

Then another one shoots out.

So the poison is acting on them.

And in their last mad dash, they all decide, okay, we're escaping.

We're getting out of here.

So they're shooting out, we're, Zoe's in bed.

Like, this is the end of the night, which is probably a good result, isn't it?

Yeah, she's in bed.

I'm in the kitchen with the cats.

The cats sleep in the kitchen.

We can shut the door.

They start chasing around the cockroaches.

They're like, what a night.

Like, this is the greatest thing that's ever happened to us.

Yeah, gumballs are falling out.

There's like the machine.

There's like 15, like by this stage, there's like a dozen zooming out.

They're like, there's like.

New cat toys.

Like, this is the greatest.

Thank you so much.

Like, we thought we were going to bed.

This is the best.

So I'm like, no, no, no, don't eat them because they're trying to get them and eat them.

Yeah.

Like, these are

poisoned.

These are, I mean, just don't eat a cockroach anyway.

House rule.

House rule for everyone in the house.

Don't eat a cockroach.

Don't eat a poisoned one.

So I'm grabbing the cats.

I have to run them upstairs to Zoe and go, hey, I got a bit of a situation here.

I have started something downstairs.

I've started.

Yeah.

I've just started something.

I don't know.

I don't know how it's going to end.

You look after the cats in the bedroom for a sec.

I'll go back down to the kitchen.

Lock yourself in.

I thought it'd be over in 10 minutes, right?

I know.

I'm getting messy.

So I start whacking them as they're coming out to just, and I'm whacking them, cleaning them up with like paper towel.

Where's the bug assault in all of this?

Yeah, bug assault down.

Bugasault in the garage.

And also, it could have been, you've got to shoot them a few times.

Bugasault is great for one, and I do enjoy that.

But these,

these are like tanks.

Armin tanks.

And they're worse compared to a fire.

With the right salt, you can absolutely get through a cockroach.

Yep.

And also you aim for the head.

Anyway, but

they're flying out and I'm just killing them as they come out.

And it just occurs to me, this might never stop.

I'm there for half an hour.

I reckon over 100 cockroaches.

Oh, my God.

Came out.

Because just when you think it's over, then like a big boy will run out and then go,

like, they've just, he's been able to hold his breath the longest.

He's like, no, I hate this.

I'm out of here.

They're all going for these like glory runs at the end.

It was.

Like it was it was quite scarring, but at the end of it, and I was down there for about an hour, I just texted someone someone said go to sleep put the cats somewhere else yeah because they can't be in here tonight no sort of like my favorite film is braveheart i said that before yeah at the end of a battle there's that part where you're sweaty and you're looking around and

did you have that and you're like amazed that you haven't died yeah there were so many of them that they could have overthrown overpowered

Did you have that kind of feeling?

No, it was more just a grit.

It was so quiet.

You should have put some music on, but then what tune do you pick?

Like, it's that eerie late night quietness.

But if I put on Boppy seems wrong.

No, that's wrong.

Peaceful seems weird.

I think you had to go with like AC DC kind of thing.

I guess you could have had like pump-up tunes.

I would have gone Scottish bagpipes.

I killed so many that I was like, this has to be.

I actually have to have win.

Are they gone?

Like, this is a decisive moment in the war.

I feel like I should give a press conference afterwards to be like, that has to be it.

Like, this is like, I'll now negotiate a surrender for the rest of the cockroaches in the house.

You guys can all go to Gordon and Margaret's next door.

Like, you can leave peacefully.

I mean,

not nothing against Gordon and Margaret, but that's that's the classic evacuation point for the game.

That's the game.

That's the game.

They got to live somewhere.

And then I saw one this morning.

I saw one this morning.

Somehow, they're still having to go.

Do you reckon they're still in that hole?

Like, if you were to send another nozzle in, I'm gonna go.

It'd be the worst ad for whatever bug spray we've got.

If they are, if someone survived that.

It means 20 seconds in a confined space.

Keep us updated.

Yeah.

Killing me softly?

Not still not the best choice.

Hey, we're going to let this go.

Yeah.

But it's too much correspondence.

I checked with you on your side of the fence.

The emails at heymachina.com.

And you can email us about anything.

They always get split 50-50.

So we don't know each other.

So we get through them.

Christian's million-dollar idea

about hairdressers in airports.

There's been a

heap of correspondence.

I felt semi-guilty because Jack and I were trying to honor Christian's wish.

For people that heard the other day, we promised what we could say.

We literally said, I'm coming to you guys because you won't dog me.

And then he does the idea.

It's hairdressers at airports.

He sent through the rough maths, which did, and I have to say, I think the reason I didn't get a chance to go back to him on this off air, but for you listening, the maths he sent sent through sort of assumed 365 days operation, 20 hours a day, three hairdressers working at full capacity, no breaks.

And that's how you're generating, you know, a huge revenue, which is lovely, but I think any small business owner would tell you that there are ebbs and flows in foot traffic.

That aside, we, Jack and I, we felt back as like, oh, he did come to us.

with this thought.

We kind of,

you made the call, you made the call, Andy.

I go, look, I don't, I think that's okay to just, I don't know if he has any proprietary ownership over that

i feel a bit better when i saw the all the emails because unfortunately and again christian if you're listening gosh i got a lot on my side of the fence i'm sure you did too of going not only i've seen this

i got a fair few of i've done this someone was like i've done the same yeah yeah i said i i opened a barber at the airport it didn't work yeah someone's like i had cuts

uh or airport were the two names of different ones that have have been seen.

Someone's like, I had a just cuts franchise.

We tried an airport or they tried an airport thing for a while.

It absolutely tanks.

I was like, okay, well, this doesn't feel like we've given away too much.

No.

We haven't scuttled the plans too badly.

So for me, on my side, Ham, the emails coming in fell into three categories.

One,

people saying we should invest in it.

And that was, I would say, 3%.

It wasn't a lot.

Okay, I didn't know we're doing percents.

But Charlotte, she wrote in and said, I really think you should invest in Christian's Barbershot idea.

Today, I started pet sitting for someone in Sydney, and he told me he needs to leave early enough to get to Mascot for a heck of before his flight.

There you go.

He obviously could have done it at the airport.

Now, that's the risk of just doing a one-person focus group.

100% of the people we interviewed said that they would do it.

Then we had, I think, probably about 15% of people that have said, I have seen it, the ones you've just covered off.

I've seen it or I've done it.

and don't do it yes that leaves 82

of other emails which was

i've got my idea and it's better it's a true million dollar idea and they just went on and on and on so we got a bunch of them to send us voice memos just to do a pitch

Ahoy gents, Jesse here.

My idea is so much better and I think far more realistic for getting off the ground.

It will cost significantly less to invest in and is actually achievable in a very short space of time.

Plus, I will be willing to give you guys a very generous portion of the business, even you as well, Jack.

Guys, this is no joke, this idea, it has not been done yet, which is so exciting and I just know it would work.

So hit me up if you're interested.

And it always goes on and on and on and on and on.

Ahoy boys, I was listening to the pod recently and I also have a million million-dollar idea that I cannot believe no one has done it yet.

And it doesn't need that much startup cash, but we need to move quick.

Call me.

I actually have a million-dollar idea, and I reckon it can be taken internationally.

And I don't really want to put the idea on here because I don't want to snatch by any weasels.

But if you're ready to become a millionaire, call me.

I'm happy to chat.

And it always goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.

This is it, lads.

This is the big one.

The numero uno, the strand dunk.

Richie's guaranteed billionaire business opportunity.

A simple yet oh-so-effective idea to which you guys are the first in line to jump aboard and live the high life.

Give me a buzz, and we can talk turkey.

Richie was my favorite.

I'm such a sucker for that kind of talk.

I really want to be first in line.

Why I own every ad that's served to me on Instagram.

I go, well, you got me, mate.

I don't even know what you're selling, but I'm interested.

I am ready to be a millionaire or a billionaire.

I mean,

when someone tells you this is it, this is the big one, there is a part of my brain that goes, thank God, the waiter's over.

So we're left with this predicament.

Yeah.

Are we the show?

Like, are we this?

You know, they've got a whole other TV show for this.

It's called Shinston.

This is a show.

what was the original one dragon's dragon stand yeah

oh right yeah he's picked a different animal and um container

So they've got a whole show for that.

Are we the show for this?

I know you're both enticed.

I can still.

I just would hate, hate the scenario where that person then goes onto Shark Tank and they all become even more filthy rich.

And we were sitting here thinking we could have been there at the front of the line like he said.

Like someone in, you know, 2003 going, hey, you remember

silly old Zuckerberg that we used to laugh at?

Yeah, what's he doing these days?

Knock, man, we should have, we should have put a hundo in when he, when any, when he was at the pub saying, would anyone like to invest in Facebook?

So yeah, you don't want to miss that.

But

I mean, someone said it before, someone said it in there.

I think they said, this is the true million dollar idea.

And I thought that little part of my brain went, that's the segment.

True million dollar idea.

We're none of these pretend ones.

We We want the true million-dollar idea.

How are we going to?

I mean, how?

What about this?

Let's get a list.

Jack, I know you're like fresh off the conclave, but

is there something

whittle down to five?

And then we do it for our own expense, T3.

If we got all those conclave set up, it would be easy to do another conclave.

Business conclave.

You want to do another conclave?

We can do a billion-dollar idea conclave.

Million-dollar conclave.

Million or billion-dollar conclave.

Let's sit on it.

I was going to say, what if we get 25 good submissions for million dollar ideas?

We got that.

And then conclave them.

All right, 50.

What, so you want more?

Jack, I mean, the thing is, the conclave didn't work, by the way.

No, I mean, you're throwing around conclave like it's the foolproof way of selecting anything from anyone.

They wouldn't agree.

Also, why are we letting them decide what we're investing in?

Like, this is, of anything, this should be us.

What's a conclave then where I'll just choose, like, they send all the ideas,

just a million, it's a one-shark tank, yeah.

Can we do something like that?

This episode's gone way too long.

We've sidebar this.

There's nothing in this.

If we let this drift away, I just

want to money.

Just be honest with yourself.

The only thing that's exciting you is money for free.

We'll come back to it.

Thanks for listening.

The Hamish and Andy podcast will return next week.

Catch up or contribute at hamishandandy.com.