2024 Ep 273 - Three Fact Shoot Out is back!

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Because the Hamish and Andy podcast starts in three,

two.

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One.

Avoid my general Hamish.

Adequately ranked unless you outrank me somehow as a brigadier.

Oh.

Or we're types of anesthetics.

Yeah.

Or it's just like general, like a type of

store.

Yeah, types of store.

That's true.

You can't stop.

It could be very high-powered or very bland.

Yeah, it's true when you think about it.

Or types of pants company.

Ahoy to my elephant, Jack.

Well, always pretty highly ranked in the animal kingdom, you would say.

I think ranking actually does work in this sense.

I am a guard in this one.

General, elephant, and guard.

It feels to me like some sort of alternate chess piece.

Yeah, like off-brand chess.

Yeah, yeah.

Well done.

Do you know what?

It's like

Warhammer or something or one of those games.

It's the pieces of Chinese chess.

Oh, so they wouldn't have.

We've obviously translated it for general, elephant, and guard, but Shiang-Chi, I think, is the way you pronounce Chinese chess.

And the general, they can move one point point either vertically or horizontally, but not diagonally.

So the general is like the king.

Yeah, I think so.

And the elephants can move diagonally two points in any direction.

Yeah, that's not a chess piece.

No, so it's, well, they call it Chinese chess, but it's a different game.

But I think they have different rules by lots of things.

Gotcha.

Yeah, it's not just a sub in, sub out.

It's not like when we had who's that instead of guess who

at the local op shop.

Four in a row.

This seems a bit like Connect4.

Haven't heard of that.

Never heard of that.

Jack, how's your chess career going?

Oh yeah.

Yes, I'm still avidly playing, but just not getting any better.

A plateau.

You mean who you were told to do the lessons?

Yeah, so Adam Spencer said, don't play any more three-minute rush games because you're not learning from them.

Do 10-minute games and only do one a day maximum and then do the puzzles.

And instead, I do exactly the opposite of that.

I play about 100 three-minute games a day and no puzzles.

What's funny, recently,

chess has like re-come into our house.

We've like had a bit of a chess moment.

We've got a chess board at the kitchen table.

We're into chess at the moment.

And I went, I did the same thing, joined up at chess.com.

And when you start off as like a complete newbie, they just give you these puzzles.

Well, they go, we recommend you do this first to start learning a few of the common patterns of chess.

But you agree with this, wouldn't you, Jack?

A lot of the early puzzles are basically there's checkmate one move away and often it's like quite simple to see And so you feel like a genius for spotting it, but you just move one piece and it's checkmate.

You do so many of those, you start thinking, Man, I'm a natural, very

good at this.

I'm consistently just checkmating people.

Then you play a game and you realize there's quite a lot more to chess than the final move that they've let you do.

So it's basically like being a kid and your dad's just picking you up and you're slam dunking the ball all the time.

I'm ready for the NBA.

I'm pretty good at this game.

Ahoy also to

King Aslan of Narnia, Narnia, who left a message at uh ABC.com.

Ahoy boys, it's King Aslan here from Narnia.

I'm here to send a message to Jack, or as we like to call him in Narnia, Mr.

Tumnus.

We know you're really enjoying your little hobby over on that side of the wardrobe, Mr.

Tumnus, but we need you back in Narnia post-haste.

Alas, Narnia is in peril, and we need a true weasel by our side.

So please, Mr.

Tumnus, use some Mr.

Ralph seats to return to Nania as our number six in command.

Wow.

These are getting too creative for mine.

Didn't they just used to be like, hey, I'm calling from Goolaroo.

Love the podcast.

Bye.

Yeah.

So you want our listeners to be less creative?

Interesting that this comes off the back of a heavily, you know, just a fun lot of references for Jack.

Jack's gone, putting a ban on creativity.

Well, we should remind people where it came from.

So that's a deep cut.

We did notice that the live-action film representation of Narnia

and the Lion and Witch in the wardrobe, the character Mr.

Tumnus, who was half man, half goat, did look a lot like Jack.

You had some serious fawn features.

No, I think I looked like the handsome actor that played Mr.

Tumnus.

No, but they'd done something.

Something to his head.

Yeah, they put it on a goat.

No, but they'd sort of flattened the brow a bit.

I think it was there that we went.

Penny tinkering.

It was the pawn-like aspects of Jack.

There really is.

Wildly,

we're bringing back something that I would say

wasn't a success because we all failed.

Mate, I can't believe we're bringing this back.

The reason we're bringing it back is when I was going through my side of the fence in the emails,

so many people thought you should have won last time.

we had the

three-fact shootout.

You're looking at Jack for the win.

Wow, we.

Wow.

I I think you've been honest about that.

The amount of people are like, oh my gosh, Woolworths.

Oh, my gosh, I didn't know this.

And I was like, has Jack somehow got bots doing this?

I wouldn't even know how.

So, Jack's facts.

Which is exactly what you'd say once you've done that.

When you give it space and really think about it, it is a crazy fact.

Including someone writing in from Scotland.

He said, I can't believe our Woolworths have defunct and fallen over.

And

Australia's still survive.

It's the same company.

it is not the uh name was stolen so

look i feel like we have to go again where did you get that fact again from jack someone on your radio show said it i i can't even remember where i heard that no but it wasn't from the radio show it's just deep in the back of my brain somewhere because that's this is the thing for people to for as a refresher for the three-man fact challenge which really was just born about from the the

revelation I'd recently had that t-shirts are in the shape of a T, which I do think was the best fact of the day.

And again, when you look at that.

I was recently reviewed as the worst.

You either knew it or assumed it.

No, no, no.

Was there one email that said, wow, I didn't know that.

There would have been.

I did get a few on my side of the fence.

So interesting the way the fence can work.

We had one email that said, I can't believe Hamish led a fact championship.

Win that.

Having said that, I have had a lot of people anecdotally come up to me in the stream and be like, I didn't know the thing about the t-shirts.

It's really interesting, Ham.

Thanks for that fact.

Then, of course,

when you look back.

Still learning the world.

when you look back at the video replay you see andy

actually did love that fact but then quickly slip streamed in behind jack but then when we i don't think we gave enough value or enough scrutiny to the fact jack that when andy brought up his fact which was about mosquitoes flying around the room which we all you know of course the noise comes from their wings i just don't know what else it could be Then Andy slipped in and they beat it 800 times a second.

Naming the frequency of the wing beating.

That's the infinishing part of the the fact.

But that's just so googled.

I mean, we specifically said everything.

I mean, everything.

We specifically said no Googling.

I didn't Googling.

You got to just know it.

Katie Westcott.

I told you that at the Times.

My God.

No way anyone's giving me the exact frequency.

Anyway.

Anyway.

Here we are again.

I think this will go well.

Well, here's the annoying thing.

I haven't heard any facts since then to now.

And that's the rules of the game is the facts just have to come to you.

They just have to be facts you've picked up along the way.

Jack, I've got one.

You will know mine, but I still think it's a good fact because I think we learned it together at the same time.

If it's interesting, then the very fact that I haven't picked it would suggest that it's not interesting.

If we both had access to picking it, you didn't.

You can't remember people's names after you chatted them for like two seconds.

Yeah, but the fact that you already know that I know it, if it's not the one I'm going to say, you may.

I will.

You may know.

All right.

fire it up jack and who wants to go first okay three facts shoot out

i'm happy to go first can't be googled has to be pulled from the past has to have come to you yeah

the international space station oh my god

well do you want to complete my

no carry on this is such a cliche like fact area

the international space station goes around the world.

Oh, yeah, that's every 90 minutes.

Every 92 minutes.

Everyone knows that.

Didn't know that.

What do you think it does?

I think it goes every 92 minutes.

What do you think everyone else thought?

Well, when I first had this fact told to me, and this is when we were over at NASA, I came back and asked the group while in the spa and people had guesses.

People said weeks.

Some people said several hours.

They were in shock that it was 92 minutes.

Okay, knowing that I had that fact available to me but wouldn't have even elevated it to the position of something he would is that pretty impressive night yeah he's he's giving me thumbs up already mate actually see him from this angle

you know what's crazy i actually have a better fact about the international space station go jack go it wasn't even my fact for today but i'll be happy to use that

then see

there is some place on earth and i can't remember the name of the island ice i've seen this where it's more remote you're closer okay

let me finish

If you're standing on this island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, say it's Easter Island or something,

you are closer to the humans on the International Space Station than you are to any other humans on Earth.

Yeah, it is the most remote place on Earth.

It's actually not an island, Jack.

It's just a boy, Demarka.

Okay, that is a good fact, Jack.

Well, thanks for the fact.

Help, that's that's but it's good, isn't it?

No, that was like that was that was good.

I have come across that recently, um, but yeah, it's a it's out there, that's true.

Wait, everyone came over across t-shirts from the age of four

just because you subscribe to new science magic magazine don't jump in still in print

i mean is there points off there because jack was um telling everyone it was an island and it's not an island

no because generally

We can't we don't fact check each other.

That's true.

It's still amazing.

The concept is still amazing.

I suppose under the theory of like, gee, it makes you wonder, that does help.

Okay.

Mine is also a bit science-y, but I had to go back to something.

I was like, what's something I learned?

Remember learning at high school that might have some level of like, oh, not everyone knows that.

Do you know why cloth tea intersects?

Do you know what the T-bone steak gets its name from?

The drink tea.

The drink tea actually has nothing to do with the letter.

I actually don't think a lot of people would have known that the t-bone steak is because it has two different cuts of meat on the other side so that there will be people no one will admit it but definitely that would have been used to a few people listening that the t-bones called that my fact is about do you know why clockwise goes in that direction do you know why that is the why not the other direction is known as clockwise no

Probably is it to do with the cogs or something?

Not to do with the cogs.

It's because sundials first came about in the northern northern hemisphere.

And in the northern hemisphere, as the sun goes across the sky, that's the direction the sundial is.

Pretty good.

But it's no remote boy in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, is it?

Remote little boy.

I'm just a lonely boy.

This is tough.

I'm happy to take myself out of it and be shot.

Which one do you think was the best?

Oh, Mike's saying, no, don't.

Which one do you think was the best, Mike?

Andy scared.

I can't see Mike.

I believe Mike is out because

Andy is like, like, it's like Andy's working with a ventriloquist doll because I can't actually see Mike from where I'm sitting.

Andy's having all these imaginary conversations with the judge.

I bet you Mike went home.

I'm going to text him.

Are you still in the building?

I'm just here as well.

Mike's done saying Andy's the most amazing.

Wow.

What even was yours?

92 minutes to go around the world.

That's

fast.

I knew it.

And I forgot it since you said it.

Yeah, I mean, that's just, yeah, that's just a lore, but

sure.

I don't know if it's a shame.

Because I actually think mine will get most used at like in a pub setting this weekend.

I think people are most likely to use mine.

Seriously?

I think.

I think.

Think about how many clocks there are at pubs and how many chances there are for people to bring up the clockwise fact.

True, but it's like, oh, because the sun went there, oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

It makes sense.

When you hear it, as soon as, like, on your way there, you're like, oh, yeah, okay, that makes sense.

Yours are like, whoa, thanks.

Whoa.

That's how I felt.

Hang on, what was your original one?

Tiebreaker.

No, no, no.

I'm going to save that for another time.

No, no, no.

I'm going to waste two of my guy.

If you want the win, if you want the win, you must play the tiebreaker.

No, no, no, no, because I'm holding gold for whenever we come back.

We're not going to do it for a while.

We know.

We're not going to do it next week.

Well, I mean.

Jack, come on, give us your second one.

I can't believe I'm wasting this.

Okay.

Do you remember the 1994 TV show Man O Man?

Yes.

Oh,

the pool still

underneath Channel 7, underneath the floorboard.

The pool that they built for Mano Man is still underneath the dancing with the stars

at channel seven.

Andy wins today.

Can you believe all these 30 years later

that

Jeepers?

I can't believe I let him.

I can't believe I let him down to that.

Oh, because Jack, you've lost on the tiebreak.

No, PP, you guys, you work in TV, so if you know that from like TV.

No, you're not going to be able to do that.

I'm doing this for the real audience.

They'll go, wow.

No one will remember the show Man O'Man either.

I'm just looking out the window now.

Jack's holding it.

Mark's holding his nose.

He hated it.

Do you guys have the right pillow?

Oh, so interesting you're saying this.

And now I know because we've said pillow near our phones.

It'll be a cavalcade of pillow ads coming.

But I think I've already asked for that because I googled.

I thought for a long time i thought i had the right pillow

and i i very controversially in our house i'm super firm i'm firm no but comically big like it almost doesn't fit in the pillowcase it's made of like memory foam and it looks like

and it's and it's and it's got ridges on it almost like um it was from an instagram ad years ago and i've just sort of stuck with it memory foam to me is overrated yeah the memory foam feels it's not right for me either but it doesn't sink too much but you know what i mean it's that sort of like stiff foam yeah well i had my favorite pillow, and just out of the blue, I went, I think it's time to retire it because it had been several years, like six years or something.

Yeah, I don't know how Zoe doesn't have insane neck pain because her pillow is so thin.

She basically, it's basically like you've got three ply tissue and then one more ply, and that's the thickness of her pillow.

I liked it, I like it.

You really enjoy it?

Yeah,

everywhere.

I'm a fat, I like it quite big.

Everywhere we go, she's like, oh, these pillows are too thick.

I've seen her rip stuffing out of pillows at hotels or go and simply get a towel and fold it up and put it in the pillowcase.

It's outrageous.

My pillow was playing fine, right?

It was fine.

And for some reason, I guess got into my head, it's been too long.

Well, you can sure update a pillow, but why don't you just go for the same make and model?

if you're happy because i didn't even know where that one was from you know how they they fade underneath and so on and so

it felt like to use footy parlance I'm like, oh, this guy's aging.

I better get him out.

But he's playing well enough.

You need the experience on the team sometimes.

I've got to go for some youth.

So I've got to.

It helps the younger pillows see what a leader looks like.

So

I've since got a new pillow.

I've woken up with a sore neck.

I'm hating it.

My old pillow's there.

It's still,

it's in the spare room now.

It knows that I might come back to it.

And now it's just getting an occasional game if someone comes to spend the night with us.

But so we, because we went pillow shopping, there's so many options.

It's wild, isn't it?

Is there a technology out there where you, you know, when you go looking for sneakers, they make you run on the thing and it shows you where your foot's hitting the, you know, something like an athletes where they have a treadmill or something and

you can see like you've got arches or like how your foot hits the ground.

They should have, I mean, it's hard because you kind of want to test sleep on it, don't you?

But a machine that you sleep on the pillow and they increase and decrease the softness during the night.

They tell you if it, if you responded well to it.

That's what we needed because, and i'm furiously pointing at hand because the lady in the shop goes now come have a lie down have a lie down and you and you lie i don't sleep in a shop with people watching me that's the sort of thing so i'm sitting there and you see that and you close your eyes like i am

thinking how your jeans feel because i never lie on my bed in jeans what am i doing yeah exactly and should i have taken my shoes off to put on the display bed so my legs are kind of half hanging off the edge anyway

and then she's like yep close your eyes close how's that feel

like i also don't have a middle-aged lady.

Like, you know what?

This feels magic.

Deborah, what are you doing for the rest of your life every night?

Because I think having you nearby is important.

So she's like, how's that?

I was like, oh, I think I need firm up.

I went, I've gone way too firm.

Have you?

In fact.

Give it to me.

I'll give it to you.

Because the other thing they said, as I was finishing up, she goes, and by the way, we do no returns on pillows.

Kind of fair enough.

I get it.

Although the catch-22 would be, if you sleep well, you dribble, in which case you can't return the pillow.

But if you've slept well, you're not returning it.

So you'll be able to go.

That's exactly.

Well, I slept terribly.

So I promise you there's no dribble on this.

It wasn't comfortable enough to dribble.

That's exactly right.

I will give it to you, Ham.

You'd be surprised on the level of firmness I can sleep on for a pillow.

I think you'll like this one.

If we were doing, like, it's not quite good enough for a fact shootout.

But that would be my new fact would be.

How hard's your pillow?

You'd be shocked at how heavy my pillow is.

How hard my pillow is.

My pillow is so hard that if we have pillow fights and stuff with the kids, no way will I pick that up.

That'd be like hitting him with a lamp.

Oh, watch your step.

Wow, your attic is so dark.

Dark.

I know, right?

It's the perfect place to stream horror movies.

What movie is that?

I haven't pressed play yet.

AT ⁇ T Fiber with Al-Fi covers your whole house.

Even your really, really creepy attic turned home theater.

Jimmy, what have I told you about scaring our guests?

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Hey,

we've managed to find a few more spots.

Put a few more seats in.

We've spoken to Royal Pines and they can add few more rows.

So we've got an overflow ticket allocation of ConCon.

Yep.

This is exciting because I think we had over we've got you know well over 2,000, maybe over 3,000 people

hungry for professional development, which is what ConCon is all about.

It's a conference that's specifically catered to your industry, information relevant to you, two guaranteed sessions of learning on the Saturday morning, one third TBC session that looks very likely to go ahead.

If not, it'll be unstructured networking where we insist business is discussed.

Yes.

That's just a little snapshot of the kind of

business learnings you can be doing at ConCon.

Because we learned that a lot of conferences are tax deductible, Hayne, but we employ people to check with their local accountant.

Not just your local, your accountant.

Your

local expert expert.

Go find your local tax expert.

And again, yeah, you're right.

We say local.

Travel interstate if you need to speak to a specialist.

Is that travel tax deductible?

Stop asking us again.

That is something you need to bring up with your personal tax specialist.

Although in this instance, I would say, as an untrained tax specialist, certainly looks good to me from my angle.

And again, I'm not the final word, nor is Jack, even though he's giving me the thumbs up.

Your tax specialists are.

And that's cool.

We all get that.

We all understand the game.

It's not a game.

It's a specialist.

Think of anybody putting on a conference anywhere in the world, they're not.

necessarily tax specialists, but they're putting on a conference.

They're doing it for the same reasons we are, Jack.

And the reasons are we want to make people better at their jobs.

Can you have a little bit of fun while you're learning?

A very small amount.

But we're saying that the fun is free.

You'll be paying for it.

Fun's free.

What you're paying for is the business learning.

If you enjoy yourself, we've thrown that in for free.

And it happened outside of the business bit.

Yes.

Hames, we've got this overflow tickets.

You and I thought, cheapest, if we'd thought about this earlier, we could have had an old school radio promotion of the phrase that pays.

We've never done the phrase that pays our own cash cow moment whatever been really exciting so we thought let's barrel on anyway with the phrase that pays even though we haven't told anyone it yep and the idea is we'll call a couple of people off this overflow list to see what they think the phrase that pays might be i like the idea of just going just tell us the phrase that pays because everyone's worst nightmare is you get selected for a competition and then they're like great give us the code word you're like oh

damn it i really should have paid more attention so there's definitely obviously they can't know it because it doesn't exist.

But I think, yeah, we like the idea of whatever someone goes for,

let's just make them think they fluked it.

And they got it.

Jack's got a number of, I think Jack, the first one we're calling.

This is Jack Gibbons.

He's a panel beater.

Okay, here we go.

Hello, Maddie speaking.

Maddie, it's Andy and Hamish here from the Hamish Nandy podcast.

We're trying to get on to Jack.

Hello, how are you?

Hello, maddie is jack around he's not he's at work at the moment that's okay that's okay

guys was it him or you that that uh asked to come to concon and was hoping to get tickets yes i messaged on instagram because i promised him i felt so bad i missed out on tickets oh boy well this is your chance maddie to win him the chance to purchase still the tickets

there's a few remaining and for the last couple of tickets all you have to do is say the phrase that pays the secret phrase that will secure you the tickets to concon

concon

a conference for all

phrase pays to win your way to concon just tell us the phrase that pays the phrase that pays

baddie go for it go for it what is the phrase that pays Oh my gosh, I don't know.

Okay, well,

I mean, just go.

Your chances are better if you say any phrase.

A conference for all.

She's got it!

That's the phrase that pays.

Con con ticket winner.

You've got it, Daddy.

You've got it.

So stressful.

I'm so sorry.

Did you just forget the phrase?

Did it come to you at the last moment?

I got it.

I got it.

I remembered.

I remembered.

I'm so sorry.

Daddy,

you don't have to apologise.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, have a phrase.

We just wanted to see what someone would say if if they were put under pressure but good

good covering though no yes i got it i remembered um yeah hey so maddie guess what you got the chance now ando just to we haven't like really cleared this up between us but are they they're not are they winning tickets i mean that's coming out of our billion but they win the chance to purchase yeah that's it you've won the chance to now purchase a double thank you That's a pleasure.

We'll put you at hold.

We'll chat to Mike and we can't wait to see you.

But really clear your brain out for some learning because we can't state enough that it's very much educational purposes and we'll be covering off all businesses.

What business are you in?

Making it potentially eligible for a tax deduction.

Perfect.

Thank you.

I'm so looking forward to it.

What biz are you in, Maddie?

So I own a cafe and Jack is a panel beater.

Oh, my God.

Do you sell biscuits?

They won't be as good as yours.

Well, but you.

Oh, okay.

So this is very work-related for you coming to this conference.

I'm going to be actually a bit nervous with Maddie coming around because she'll know.

She'll know biscuits.

I think you'll be pleased with the biscuit situation.

Okay, Maddie, we'll put you on hold.

Mike, we'll chat to you, grab your details.

And let's call another one.

I feel like

Phil here.

Hello, this is Phil.

Hey, Phil.

Hey, Michael here.

How are you?

I'm going well, thank you.

How are you?

Really well.

Really good, mate.

we um saw that you had listed for the overflow tickets for concon obviously you're very keen to rejuvenate your learnings on renewables because we understand that you're a regional manager that is correct great

would concon have a lot of stuff that was relevant pertinent and needed for your professional development no doubt that's what drew me into it yeah yeah of course of course

um phil you've got a chance to be able to purchase those tickets you've just got to be able to tell us the phrase that pays.

Good luck.

Concon.

Concon.

A conference for all.

Phrase.

Pays.

To win your way to ConCon, just tell us the phrase that pays.

The phrase that pays.

Phil.

What is the phrase that pays?

Oh, can I find a friend?

We've got a bit of a hint here.

The phrase that pays.

We can't give away any clues, Cam.

No, I don't think we can.

Phil, in a situation like this where you don't quite know what it is, I think you have to dig deep and back yourself and just go with something as confidently as you can and hope that it's the phrase.

The phrase that pays.

Well,

let me just think, what could it be?

The phrase that pays would be

lots of biscuits for all.

He's got it.

He's got it.

The phrase that pays.

ticket winner.

He's got it.

He's got it.

Oh, how about it?

Phil.

Phil, you got it.

How about I?

Nice word.

Phil is more confused than anyone.

We don't actually have a phrase that pays.

We just wanted to see.

We just wanted to see some content

and you delivered.

Biscuits for All is fantastic.

Eventually.

Mate, you've been selected from the overflow tickets.

We'll put you on hold.

When do we say the phrase that pays?

You'll be doing the paying because it's.

it's a phrase that commences payment.

But that's giving you the opportunity to be there, which we'd love you to love you to be a part of it.

We'd love you to be a part of it.

We are absolutely giving you the opportunity.

You've won the right to purchase tickets.

Thanks very much.

Thanks, boys.

Beautiful, mate.

Thank you, Phil.

Hey, the overflow spots.

We'll contact people.

We will.

They'll get filled.

This is crazy.

We're over a month out.

And I kind of feel like everything's organized.

Well, we haven't done the.

Well, I mean, yeah, we've, we've, we'll.

no we'll do the allocation like maybe next week we'll allocate like what businesses are coming who's doing what presenting who's talking on what but i just think the big stuff the logistics you know the the room the the pa the biscuits and everything is kind of it feels actually i feel like we're ahead of schedule how many people again 300.

300 yeah so 300 different one minute

no i think we said 30 seconds and remember jack we can group them too yes that's right i think we need to really review all that i urge you not to let's let's like let's i think just

getting like from changeover from one person to the next the 30 second countdown i think we should increase the amount um of time right spent on but yeah what i'm saying is we can we can group them like yes yeah you can group a lot of topics i think once we start divvying the topics to each other we can go okay well i got eight here that could all have the same message Lovely.

Because remember, the whole point of the conference is we're improving everyone's business.

That's why it's a business conference.

And there'll be a lot of topics that are pertinent to many businesses.

So you wouldn't just be there for one.

Couldn't agree more.

Couldn't agree more.

Thank you.

We'll hit that next one.

Just saying, it's just, yeah, it's just very businessy.

And

I have a tale and Jack, I have a tale about

scheduling that you'll either love because it's efficient or you'll not like because it's fast and loose.

Okay.

Okay.

During the week,

I had a bit of a, I had a self-care day, a maintenance day schedule.

Where you just get a few things done, you know,

a few things off.

I thought self-care, I thought, I thought like pampering yourself, you're going for a manicure and seeing Henry the Dog at the mud bath, the Japanese mud bath.

Go and pretend I'm a tall terrier and dunk myself in the waters of Mount Fuji, you know?

So admin day.

Well, kind of, but it was more taking care of the bod, right?

So haircut, haircut scheduled for 4.30 in the afternoon, right?

Now, that's sort of like the latest haircut you can get at a lot of places that close at a decent hour.

Usually I'm a free, as you know, a freestyle it, right?

Like I'll just walk in anywhere and I've been rating some hairdressers different conversation but this one was scheduled like got a guy very happy with daz go see daz so 4 30 is scheduled i also needed a colonoscopy now this was not a spur of the moment colonoscopy you shouldn't go to those places often it's a scam yeah

normally i'm just whoever's available

i go in now i usually ask a hairdresser you've got the sink yeah

do you have a gopro

No, that's a that's a colonic irrigation.

Sorry, not to be confused with the actual medical procedure of popping a camera up your bump.

Yes, so because of I've got like some family history, et cetera, et cetera, and you should stay on top of this sort of stuff.

So, for those reasons, to just be really clear, the history is of colon-related

colon tumors.

Not, we've had it, we had a big fight, and I said, That's it.

I'm putting a camera up my dog

one Christmas,

absolute meltdown.

We've got a bit of a family history, so I'm out.

Here's the thing, though.

When you do a medical procedure like a colonoscopy, and so to be clear, this is like

this is, you know, you have to, you have to like, you take this powder.

Many people would have had these before, but it's called pico prep, and you take the powder and you evacuate your bowels for about 24 hours beforehand.

Yep.

And then there's some fasting as well, isn't there?

You go, yeah, you can't eat, you just unclear fluids and stuff.

So

it's like a laxative.

Yeah, it completely empties everything out.

And you see the pictures afterwards, Jack.

Like it's completely clean in there.

Because you'd think if people were like, oh, well, I'm a, you know, I stick cameras up people's bums.

We, you know, we look at the colon.

And like for the surgeons, there might be some educated people that go like, oh, yuck.

But really, when you're in there, it's just, it's like a second throat, as I said to my wife.

It's as pink as a throat.

It's just, it's the body's second throat.

And she was just like, please stop showing me these photos.

But I was like, look, because, you know, all clear, by the way, pristine colon.

Great news.

A1 colon.

Could sell it as new.

yeah if i wasn't using it so much

i would absolutely sell it so

the only time that i could get that happening was 2 p.m okay and i had a haircut at 4 30.

and they don't put you under anything do they yeah it's a general it's a general oh yeah they don't chat to you while they're doing it you're out man you really

or it's at least i think what they call like a twilight sedation like but you're completely out like you have full recovery oh okay would you would you take that risk where you go 2 p.m.

medical procedure?

And because you have to get like admitted, you have to get in the gown, like you're on a gurney, you get anesthetized, like you're in a...

No, I wouldn't.

But that's a tire turnaround.

I wouldn't be taking it.

I know.

And that's what I loved about it.

Usually when you wake up from an anesthetic, they make you chill for a little bit.

You're not meant to drive.

Yeah.

Yep.

No, you have to get picked up.

But I also.

So you would have gone.

So they would have put you.

Sorry to go back.

They would have put you on the A-frame then.

What's the A-frame?

So you would have gone to sleep.

They would have put you to sleep facing up while you were lying down yeah no you just roll on your side oh they roll on your side cock a leg because um there's another a-frame um

bed yeah where you bum up where you go bum up which i had where someone is in charge of picking you up and then putting you over they should have pulled that in and then you're really so you go to sleep on your back yeah and wake up No, you don't wake up on the A-frame.

You wake up on your back.

You're just in between.

Someone's back.

Is it in the room?

Do you see it?

Do you go, I think that's coming for me?

You don't see it.

I mean, just while we're on the topic of messing with people a bit while they go under, I did think it would have been funny because when you go to see the surgeon before you get this done, it's like a month out to book in or whatever it is.

You know, it's like a doctor's office, surgeon's office, and they have the diagram, like the mold of the colon, and I guess to explain to people, this is what we're looking at, whatever.

And if I ever was a surgeon, I think the window's closed.

Like I probably won't late in life become one, but I would as a joke, right?

Because you've got that medical stuff on the wall wouldn't it be funny to not reference it but next to that like perfect model of the human intestines and stuff with next to all your degrees and things you just get a little a model of like a hamster with a gopro on its head

and never mention it but make it look like it's officially produced

by like you know by like a medical instruments thing and just have it sitting there for people to notice as you're talking about like filming We'll send a figure.

You keep saying we'll send a camera up there.

And when we get the camera up there and we'll have a look at the images.

And sorry,

what's the

hairs of the GoPro on its head?

Don't worry about that.

There's a lot of stuff that's all while you're asleep.

So there's a lot of stuff we do.

Anyway, I didn't get that situation.

I managed to make, I want to flag a front, managed to make the haircut, got picked up, got taken to the haircut.

Because you meant to go home and recover.

I was like, no, let's just keep this day going.

Let's get efficient.

Here's the craziest thing I did on my colonoscopy day.

And I know the target audience here for people to be impressed is like maybe

older people.

You know, you're usually getting these things done in your 40s and 50s.

It was on, I think it was a Wednesday or Thursday or whatever.

It was a busy morning.

And I obviously had it like blocked out in the calendar.

That's Hames Colonoscopy Day.

But every day I take the kids to school.

For a 2 p.m.

colonoscopy, you start the powder.

You do three sachets of powder, this powder that empties you out.

You have to start it the night before.

Okay.

So I took one at like, you have your last meal at five o'clock, took one at seven o'clock.

Already there'd been some rumblings at like two or three in the morning.

And then you take another one at 6 a.m.

and another one at 9 a.m.

It wasn't until I was on the toilet during the night that I thought, oh, hang on a sec.

I'm going to take the kids to school tomorrow morning.

Like

I didn't really put two and two together.

Like, I've got to be near a toilet.

Wake up in the morning and I sort of float this idea with zoom and I go, yeah, i mean i've already i've now had two packets of the powder and i've already things have started to move and then so i was like why well honey you didn't tell me about this i can't take this because she's like got a board meeting got like an interview she's got to do

so then i just went nope no it's cool all good all good like yep no i should be fine and how like how quickly is it when you say rumbling it you got to be straight at the toilet mate it is yeah i've had it before you've had it before you had to clear it out twice for the for my.

Oh, yeah, for you, for your bum surgery.

Yeah.

So,

but I was in this moment of going, I either put enormous pressure on my wife or I pretend this is no big deal and I take the kids to school.

So I do it.

Come on, guys, we'll get in the car.

Could be a bit exciting.

But this is where the cheeky boy toilets map could really come into play.

Yes.

Took him to school.

I'm dropping them off and I'm chatting to another dad and I mentioned to him, I've got to, he's like, do you have a common Oscar yet?

I said, actually, I've got it this afternoon.

He goes, this afternoon?

He goes, when do you start the powder?

I went, I'm on it.

The respect

that that gets you, right, from the dad community, he was like, you're on it right now?

I'm on it, mate.

I'm on it.

I'm two sachets in.

And you're just walking around.

I'm out of the house.

I'm at the school gate.

I'm chatting.

It was like...

He was like, I was like the greatest stunt man he'd ever met.

I know, but then also every sentence that you're seeing there and taking in all the praise.

praise, bigger and bigger wasting time.

And I'm clenching so hard.

Absolute iron ring.

Made it.

Iron ring.

Didn't talk to Surgeon about it afterwards, but I was going to ask him, hey, could you get the camera in?

Because

the ring was so tight.

I'd be surprised if it even relaxed under anesthetic.

But when I do the follow-up, I will ask you, we'll ask him, did you notice it was a particularly muscular?

Hey, I think you know me better than anyone in the world.

Thank you so much.

Including Beck.

Yep, that's my hard quiz topic for next time.

If I'm ever invited back on the celebrity edition, it will be Andy Lee.

Jack, you should do that because there's no way they can research you better than I know.

They'd have to ask me for the questions.

Jack, you go close, but I think Beck just tips the scales knowing you.

But maybe both of you could play a game of

see what angle I was going for here.

Beck walked straight into it.

Beck walked straight into it.

But I think if I tried to pull the same maneuver off with either of you.

You think I know the algorithm.

You would know which way I'm going.

So I'll have to play a bit of both roles because you wouldn't understand the specific scenario I'm talking about.

But I'll be myself and Beck and then you can go, oh, I think I know what he's up to here.

And I'm sure Beck will get a fair showing.

So I say to Beck, hey, what were we doing?

What were we doing Sunday week ago?

And she goes.

It definitely would have been something for her.

Would have been something positive for Beck.

Would have been like, oh, we went to that, like, the concert you wanted to go to.

Whatever it is.

We were having lunch.

And he knows the answer.

Yeah, exactly.

We're having lunch with her parents or something very positive very Beck heavy.

Yep.

And why?

Why would you ever bring up?

Sorry, I'm just filling my diary before I log it.

I like to log all my activities.

Two weeks ago, Sunday.

You're close.

I suppose the first thing that you got, I get why you guys know me better is you're already, your antennas are up.

Bec's way down.

Periscope down for antenna.

She goes, oh, no, did we

go to Pilates?

Like, yeah, that's right.

We went to Pilates.

That's right.

We did these five things that I will now tell you about.

11 o'clock Pilates.

And she's like, yeah, yeah.

I was like, oh.

And I think, did I grab the, I grabbed the dog and you picked me up from the corner.

Didn't you?

Like, you went to grab the car.

Yeah, sorry, has there been a crime?

Why do you need to know your, why are we building a timeline?

Are you doing a true crime podcast about Sunday?

Exactly.

So she, again, isn't thinking this.

She's like, yeah, because you, yes, you, you went down and you took the dog.

I was like, that's right.

So

you took my car, didn't you?

And I was like,

speeding fire.

Yeah, that's

going to be such shit.

She has walked straight into it.

And would you, you guys are correct, by the way.

Would you agree?

And would you agree with the court that everything I've said to this point is true?

And could you say it clearly into the microphone?

She goes, yeah, yeah.

I checked the car.

I was like, yeah.

So you're saying

you were in control of the motor vehicle registration.

And I said, yeah, you're right.

And then

you drove us to Pilates.

She goes, yes.

I did do exactly that.

And then went, you've been searched.

I handed her the papers, right?

Which was the fine.

Great.

She went, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Maybe I wasn't driving.

I don't know.

Your Honor, we just heard the defendant clearly state.

So this started then the debate.

No, no, no, it's your car.

I don't think I was driving.

Anyway, to the point where, is there a photo?

That's all I ever want.

I've never asked for the photo.

They have them now automatically.

Oh, you get it automatically.

You get it automatically.

So I'm like, all right.

So then this whole case takes, like the jury's really leaning in as we bring up the laptop and we're gathering around.

This is it.

Court reporters out in the front on the phone, waiting.

It loads

from behind, distance.

We're like zooming in on the rear vision mirror, trying to say bitter sun flare, can't ascertain who is actually driving.

She goes, it's you then.

I'm like, no, no, no, that.

Just because you can't see in the photo doesn't mean it's not you.

Because you said earlier on we both agreed that we already have your testimony

that's why we split you up that's why we get that's why we get you to sign your affidavit so the argument continues for a little bit it we arrived at and tell me where you think this is a great outcome i think it is did you ask the dog

henry we know you can hear us we know you understand english go and place a paw on who you remember driving two weeks ago two weeks henry i called him chris emsworth's dog whisperer

She's very busy.

She's very busy.

Did she ever come to the house?

We're actually still waiting.

We're still waiting.

We're still waiting.

Because

we thought Jim had stopped pissing on beds and then he got me two days ago.

All right.

Okay.

So we're re-ratcheting it back up to get the cat whisperer in.

Anyway, back to the crime.

It finally got to.

I was like, you take the points.

I'll pay the fine.

Yep.

She said, no problem.

But points are worth way more than the fine.

You would think so.

The other beauty of this is then, so we log on and then you have to go, it wasn't me, it was her.

And we put in her details and stuff.

And then I'll go, I'll try and take a photo then.

Yeah.

And you look at her being sheepish, going,

then I, um, and then you put, then I go, I'll try and pay it.

You can't pay it because it gets reissued.

Oh, great.

So it's coming to her.

So it's gone to her.

Yeah.

And she's got it and gone, oh,

I've got a, she's forgotten.

Oh, she forgot.

She forgot the trial.

She forgot the trial.

It's been, because weeks have passed.

You've got the trial.

She's like, oh, got got a phone.

I go,

yes.

I was like, right, where was it?

It was a Sunday.

What were we doing?

I was like, I don't know.

I mean, yeah, I think I was out of town.

So now.

And you watch so much Laura and Auditor 2.

She's just not absorbing anything.

Is she like,

she's just got to get sharpened right up.

Thanks for listening.

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