2025 Ep 310 - This Ep Has the Riz. No cap!

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A listener production.

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Because the Hamish and Andy podcast starts in three,

two.

Sorry, still buffering.

One.

Ahoy Jimmy Coyle.

Hey, Mish.

Okay, we could be a few things here, but I hope we're parts of an electromagnet.

Get your hopes done.

One can always dream, Andy.

Ahoy to my leaf.

Ahoy.

Coil leaf

and I'm air.

Are we

not Pokemon related, are we?

No,

no, we're not Pokemon related.

It's like types of Pokemon.

No, it's not that.

They are three types of a a certain thing that goes in our cars

coil leaf and air uh are they types of br

not brakes brakes or

go ferdando the air fresheners the suspension is killing me

in suspension uh the three most commonly used springs in vehicle suspension systems

bat and rack and pinion of course how how do we feel about it

boo you know a very difficult task

because if you don't get it, you go, this is stupid.

This is pretty ego-stup.

Basically, we want it to be the hardest possible that we will get.

That we can still get, yes.

We basically need it to be three things that are related that we remember from learning at school that most people wouldn't know that make us look good.

That's not too common that it's obvious.

Right.

That's the category we enjoy.

Yelling.

Freaking out.

Yeah.

Love eyes.

They would have to be a lot of people.

Of course.

Suspension systems.

But I'm just trying to get this feedback back to Lars where you both all look at me and roll your eyes

just because you don't know it doesn't mean it's a good one no you're right it's great it doesn't mean it's not a good one it's really good ahoy also to adam who's heard of a leaf suspension though yes

no one brings that on that car a leaf springs oh okay long history in uh trucks trailers and heavy duty vehicles Multiple layers, as in leaves of spring steel.

Awesome.

And that's the fun part about the show.

You can don't do it now, but you rush off and look it up later and learn learn

a little bit about the suspension.

Adam also went to Amishne.com to upload what he's been doing.

Ahoy boys and number six, it's Adam from Melbourne here, just driving to work.

And I thought I'd send you guys this message, a deep and sincere thank you.

As the proud owner of Power Moves book one and two, I've been able to hold a substantial amount of power over one of my good mates Charlie for the longest time now.

So much so that I came up with my own power move that I employed the other night.

I want to get your thoughts.

So we're at a bar chatting to some girls and when he captivated the attention of these girls a little bit too much and they were laughing a little too hard at his jokes, I simply interrupted him and asked, hey man, are you still using my hotspot?

Safe to say they weren't interested in more anymore after that.

Thanks boys.

Yeah, good with the old Wi-Fi sheepskate maneuver.

You can't afford your own data.

Oh, there it works.

Hey, we like to put it out there that we're at your service.

Hey, Mishnandy, at your service.

If there's anything you need at all, we are happy to help.

This came in from Samuel, alert listener, hey, Mishnandy.com.

If you want to contact us, it fell to my side of the fence because we do split the emails.

Yeah.

He said, I recently had a child and I'm too scared to ask for a round of golf from my missus.

As you know, it's a long time away from the house.

In the past two months, I've been prioritising short times away, you know, the gym supermarket, because I want to get back to the bub.

But

Ichi to play golf.

He said, Could you please call my partner Nikki and tell her I have to play soon?

Now, I'm not sure if that's going to work for us.

Yeah, we can't, that seems like that's like us, we can't command that you play golf soon.

But

since the request has come in from Samuel and we do have an obligation to our listeners,

we did have an idea.

We'll come up with a ploy.

We'll come up with a plan of how we could make this happen for Samuel.

We'll give him a buzz now and explain to him what we've got in mind.

Hello, Samuel speaking.

Samuel.

Samuel.

Hey Samuel.

Hello, how are you?

Mate, we're great.

We're ready to get you playing, mate.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

Is the weasel there?

Yeah, the weasel.

Today we're all the weasel as we try and get you playing some golf.

Now,

is it okay

if we use, we've come up with a plan.

Are you happy for us to use any and all methods to try and get this round happening?

Yep, yep, go for it.

Anything you need?

We've come up with an idea where we're going to get our producer, Carly, to contact your partner, Nikki, and say we're from local radio station, K-Rock.

You guys are in Geelong.

and that she that you have entered her in a competition to win a $9,000 diamond ring, right?

Wow, that'd be perfect.

Yep.

We then go and play the competition.

There's a one in three chance she gets the ring.

Unfortunately, the ring won't come up, but the consolation prize will, which is around at what golf course did you, Fernando?

13th Beach.

13th Beach.

13th Beach.

Yeah, that's the one.

Sorry in Sanguin's details.

That was the one he did.

All right, that's one.

So that's what's so she's going to just miss out on the ring, but be given the prize of a round at 13th Beach.

And then the idea is: you know, hopefully she takes that prize and books books you in for the round.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm a bit worried about booking her brother.

That's the worry.

Do you know what?

Let's guide and go, well, you know, it was your partner, Samuel, that nominated you.

Does he play golf?

Should we book him in?

Yeah, yeah, that'll be perfect.

Okay, Samuel.

And we're all comfortable with this, Samuel.

Just all good.

I mean, there'll be some

there's a bit of sneaky business going on, a bit of weaseling, but we're all just sign off from everyone.

Yeah, we're all a weasel in some way.

So I'm looking forward to it.

Yeah, great.

Okay, well, we'll put you on hold now

and

then we'll get into the competition.

Hopefully, we can guide her to giving you the gift.

All right, great.

Okay, Samuel's on hold.

And

we have already just, we've just had a thumbs up from outside.

Carly, our producer, has made contact with Nikki saying

she's from the radio station.

So she's just told Nikki, hey, we're from K-Rock, the local radio station.

Did you know about this contest?

And apparently, Nikki didn't know.

She's ready to take the call from Chris and Duggo.

We are.

Chris and Duggo.

We are Chris or Duggo.

I'll be Duggo.

Now, this is a big ask for us.

What's your voice going to be like?

I'm just going to go low like this.

What are you going to go with?

Yeah, they'll do this.

No, well, I mean, I'm going for the sound of a retired footy gray.

Okay, yeah, okay.

I think you're going to hear that now.

Okay.

Yeah, where people go, he's copped a few hits, but

it doesn't matter what he sounds like.

We just love his take on the game and life.

This is the biggest is the fact we can't do voices.

We can't do voices.

All right.

Jack, you'll give her a call and Samuel's on hold.

Good luck, Duggo.

Okay.

Hi, it's Nikki.

Oh, hi, Nikki.

It's Chris and Duggo here from Krock.

Hey, Nikki.

How you doing?

Hey, how you doing?

I hear Carly's giving you the drill.

Kind of, yeah.

I have no idea that Samuel had ended me into this, so she kind of.

Oh, yeah.

Even better.

Yeah, well, we'll guide you through it.

We'll guide you through it.

You'll figure it out in a sec.

Got on you.

Okay.

Thank you, Nikki.

Sure.

K-Rock wants to peep your bling.

Yes, please.

Which box has the 9K ring?

Oh, my God.

This is, this is K-very Shiny Rock.

Time for K-Very Shiny Rock again.

Samuel has written in nominating Nikki his partner to play today.

Are you there, Nikki?

Yes, I'm here.

All right, Nikki.

Well, now

you didn't know much about being in this, did you?

No, I had no idea.

Oh, what a legend.

What a legend Samuel is.

Well,

pretty simple.

We've got three boxes in front of us.

You have just got to pick box one, two, or three.

If it is the correct box, you have got a diamond ring valued at over $9,000

from local jeweler Farley's.

So good luck.

Are you engaged?

Are you married?

No,

we're not engaged or married, but we've just had a kid.

So Hazel is seven, nearly eight weeks old.

So

it wouldn't be too bad to get a 9k rent.

This would be a nice gift.

Yeah, okay.

A little bit of a push present.

All right.

Are you ready to go, Nikki?

I'm ready to go.

Let's do this.

I'll go.

Well, three is my lucky number, so I'll have to go with three.

Okay.

Number three, she locked it in.

What luck?

Box opening.

Constellation Prize.

Oh, God.

It was behind number two today, Nikki.

You're right in the middle.

But we've got the Constellation Prize in

Around of Golf at 13th Beach, your complete golfing destination.

You have any loved ones in your life that would like a round of golf, Nikki?

Samuel probably would.

He likes playing at 13th Beach.

So there you go.

Yeah, good.

That's

lovely.

So what day should he go?

Shall we book it in, book it in now?

Oh, maybe,

I don't know, on the weekend, Sundays is only the day he could probably do it, to be honest.

Okay.

So we'll book him in for all of Sunday.

Yeah, sounds like a plan.

All right.

Thanks so much, Nikki.

13th Beach, your complete golfing destination.

And we'll play again next time.

Thank you.

bye that's all right bye

i mean

i mean

we made a promise i mean i felt horrible to it

how do you feel about that mate i was actually nervous i was kind of hoping she'd get a diamond ring

i mean as we were saying and we realized what a life-changing um you know and much better thing than a round of golf with the ring would be i was also excited for her to get the ring till I realized we've made it up and this ring doesn't exist.

We hadn't even checked the sound effect we're about to play.

So I was like, what box is he going to say?

Yeah, what if it comes out of here?

Box three, man.

Well,

as promised, as promised,

Sunday, it's all yours around the 13th beach.

Fantastic.

That's 60 hours.

Hey, Sam, though, but really important that you don't tell her a giveaway that goes because then we're implicated.

Like, this is our secret.

And we expect all our listeners to do the same kind of secret.

I think a big bunch of flowers,

you know, you don't have to reveal what's happened here, but a big bunch of flowers to go, hey, I got contacted by 13th Beach.

They told me I'm playing around.

You know, that wouldn't be.

Put some flowers along the golf course.

Yeah.

You take every local grasses, some, yeah, a succulent or two that you can pull out of them.

Thanks, Sam.

glad to be at your service my friend mate thanks good luck

appreciate it play a foresome sometime down at 13

that'd be lovely yeah

awesome but

i can't believe catch it

catch you mate yep no poor nikki at home with a baby

quick note here just um as we've gathered ourselves after the last segment we did just call we just were like okay well that we mission accomplished there sam's got to think of we call nikki back back and we have sent her a bunch of vouchers and stuff just to thank her for being a good participant.

Because it really, as it progressed, it did feel like this is, I mean, the whole point was for it to be very Sam's one-sided, but certainly no skin off our nose to also help out a young mum.

So we're all good.

We're all square and we're on to the next.

Yes, on to our next important item.

Guys,

how would you measure an earthquake?

Richter scale.

Of course, I would use my Richter scale.

Never failed me before.

Can I shock you?

They're not using it anymore.

Poor Richter.

Poor old Richter.

Yes.

Yes.

And his offspring or her offspring, whoever the initials were.

It was Charles Richter.

I didn't want to assume, but yes, it was sometimes back in the day that was more likely.

But Charles Richter, if you were anyone a descendant of Charles Richter, what a great, it's your ultimate icebreaker.

Yep.

I'm Carolyn Richter.

It's not the yes.

It's my great uncle.

And I can tell from your handshake, that's a one on the Richter scale.

Now I'm just mucking around with you.

What do you do?

And it's so on.

And so on and so forth.

And just a fun night.

Here's what blew me away.

First of all, yes, they're no longer using it.

Second of all, originally developed, I'll get to that.

Originally developed by Charles Richter in conjunction with Bino Guthenberg.

He's not getting the prize.

His family are thrilled.

They're not using it anymore.

He's like the other bloke in Facebook with Zuckerberg, isn't he?

That's just got no

whatsoever.

Now that we think about the Richter scale, now that I think about any time I've seen the Richter scale being used, are we not using it anymore?

Because it seems to be a pen.

on a stick moving up and down and about nine kilometers of paper, like slowly rolling through it.

That does seem to be a little bit antiquated now that we have computers.

They always show you that picture of a pen

moving up and down like an etcher sketch when you go, but we have computers.

Why?

And where are you getting the rolls?

The person who's most upset is whoever's making the nine-kilometer roll.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because as soon as office workers stop stocking it, the Rignuscal was gone.

If you had to keep feeding sheets of A4 in,

pretty tosaurus.

Because was the pen running 24-7 just.

Because you can't just have an earthquake and then like, quick, quick, quick, set up the machine.

Yeah, no, it would have been

during pen changeover would have been their most disappointing.

It's always about time for an earthquake, but they would have been really shame-faced like the seismic center to go

during pen changeover

which we have to do three minutes every four days and we get the longest running pens we can we know what you're going to say they get triple ink wells they're very good pens but it was during changeover it was originally called the gutenberg richter scale oh my gosh shortened to richter scale so he would have been going why didn't you shorten it to gutenberg scale i know it's not as easy to say maybe the fact that richter scale was second and it's easier to hop off the front.

Anyway, Bino's family are thrilled that suddenly Richter's not getting his time in the sun.

Reasons for the change.

Sorry.

I just, I help my daughter with a lot of her posters for class projects.

This feels like a poster.

Reasons for change would be one of the topics we have in the corner of a poster.

What is it?

A new bit of word art.

This is changing.

About eight.

Reasons for change.

It's about a grade two level of research.

Any questions?

Reasons for change.

It's not very accurate.

Reason for change.

It's not very accurate, which is a good reason for change.

That's a great reason.

Not accurate outside of California, which I thought was odd.

Hang on, what do you mean not accurate outside California?

That's what it listed.

Is this article from California?

No, this was like an article on why they're not using it anymore, but it was just not accurate.

Maybe the main instruments were in California.

I don't know.

That was the first one.

Or maybe it was just like it was calibrated to California and then you move it somewhere else and it's different, I don't know, densities of Earth or something.

Or their tectonic plates do something specific there that doesn't transfer.

The other one, this is this is like, this is the, to me, that was what really put a bullet in the Richter scale.

I mean, the first ones are pretty tough.

Yeah, that is.

That's a critical flaw.

I should warn you.

Pretty.

Cost you a fortune in paper and they're not accurate.

You still want one.

Can't handle the big ones.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

The Richter steel cannot handle the biggies.

Well, yeah.

So, what it just goes off the charts in that

they've since moved to the moment magnitude scale.

Okay.

It's not that the Jeff Moment didn't

invent it.

It's just the generic name.

But yeah, we will be.

Oh, is that where the school poster ends?

That's nothing.

That's where the school is.

Usually we end with any questions and then you have to say thank you, 2D.

Thank you, 2D.

Ando,

time for a chit chat champion, except we've had a request to play a different variant of the game.

You told me of this.

And we liked it.

I thought we can do this.

Had an email come in from alert listener Jared and he said, Sometimes people come on and they play chit-chat champion and they go, I'm good at chat because I work with kids.

He said, but it's always little kids.

And does that really make you good at chat?

Jared goes, look, I got a 15 and a 17 year old.

Try talking to those guys.

That would be like, that's the level of skill.

Try and setting yourself into those conversations because with Jen Alpha, like it is a pretty different language that's going on.

So I went, you know what?

As a one-off, we should play.

He suggested calling it shit chat champion.

I was like, that could be a little bit harsh.

Just having a bit of therapy there as a dad

who doesn't understand understand what they're talking about.

But I was like, look, I've got someone in my life, my niece, Junie, she's 14.

And she's the coolest person I know.

I feel very old because I have to, I'm starting, I'm at that age now where I go to her with tech stuff.

Right.

I think I told you about this the other day, but do you know when

you can go to send someone a video on WhatsApp?

Do you ever look at the status on WhatsApp?

My status?

Yeah.

Do you know that?

So it's like stories on Instagram, right?

But no, not many people really use it.

No.

I send a video on WhatsApp and and it's right at the top when you go to send a video on whatsapp the very first option is like send it to your status i must have been scrolling down to find who i was sending the video to all right so but i've checked my status so i sent this video that wasn't probably for everyone in my address book i sent a video to whipper our mate going you know just a just a bit of good just a bit of fun

you know just a bit of fun not for you can have different fun in public than private and it was just a bit of semi-private fun Not cancelable.

No.

Just fun.

Yeah.

And it could have been misinterpreted, but it was just fun.

Yeah.

Anyway, I thought it was just private fun.

And that's what WhatsApp's for, just a bit of private fun.

Half an hour later, I get a text from my niece replying to the video that I've sent Whipper going, cool, ha ha ha.

And I went,

what is going on?

So I was just immediately like,

how did I send that to you?

Because I just looked at who I'd sent it to.

I was like, but I've just sent it to Whipper.

Yes.

So I just immediately went, I was like, gee, what?

I'm going to sound very old here.

What have I done?

How did you see that?

How can I fix this?

Because that was

just what is going on.

And then she explained, it's in your status.

You must have just uploaded it to your status as well.

So everyone can see it.

And now you can take it off.

So a little word of warning for everyone, but that's who she is in my life.

So I said, hey, listen.

We had a guy in the hundred whose dad confused the post bar for Facebook with the search bar.

What was he searching for?

You keep mentioning Emily Ranichowski,

all your status updates.

So

it was only after they couldn't get on to him

to drive around, and he was having a busy day searching for those things.

And look, it can happen to the best of us.

Just a bit of fun you thought was private fun.

It's fun.

It's two types of fun.

There's public fun, there's private fun.

And you try and keep them siloed.

So, you know, Judy's great.

She's, so I'm like, all right, she's right in the slot here.

So I gave her the assignment and I said last night, hey, grab a mate.

Could you record like an example conversation of how Jen Alpha would talk?

And that's what we've got as today's chit-chat.

So it's not Ando, not you and I.

Yeah.

Doing the chat.

Have a quick listen before we get it.

Okay, have a listen to it.

She recorded before school this morning.

So thank you very much.

I've got tea to spill.

Oh my god, tell me, tell me.

Okay, so this guy rises me up in art.

Is he giving 6'7 or 41?

Definitely 6'7, bro.

He's so fine.

What's his name?

Pink Cardigan.

Are you kidding me?

He's the most chopped kid in the school, so giving 41.

Unk status.

Go find new Haz.

Girl.

You're too good for him, D.Va.

Bro, stop the glaze.

Trust me.

Actually, you know what?

I am too good for him.

Slay.

Slay.

Now,

if I was in that conversation in that conversation and they all turned to me, I would go.

Well, how about that?

Well, sounds great.

I would go with you.

He sounds great.

I couldn't agree with you more.

That's that's half one so you sort of know what's going on yes right it's i was saying before to jack it's like when people go oh i can speak german but austrian's similar i can understand it but i can't speak it so it's sort of like you you do you do know what's going on but you would never say you were fluent you can't participate you can't participate and so that's why i'd say it's very very difficult this edition but let's just see how we go okay let's bring up our contestants we've got madison and jack standing by uh hello guys you've got a pretty tough task today i will start with you ahoy madison ahoy boys

gusto to you and gusto to you um madison we're going genel for edition of chit chat champion do you have any young people in your life around the teenage years

i mean no not teenage years early 20s me my brother and sister Okay, oh well, you're a channel.

How old are you, Madison?

I'm 29.

Nah, you know Jack.

How old's your younger sibling?

22.

Chance.

Chance.

What we're going to do today, Madison, is we're going to play you a conversation between two teenage girls.

It's Hamish's niece.

Yep.

And you can hear the whole thing out.

So it's a few more.

I know Chitchat Champions traditionally is just one line from Ham, one line from me, and then you go for it.

You'll have to listen to the whole thing out, and then you have to come in with your your best chat.

Your best chat at that point.

Curveball.

Okay, curveball.

I'm like, teenage girls, let's do this.

Yeah, big curveball, big curveball.

And look,

real, like, this is the pro-level.

This is pro-level chit-chatting.

So, best of luck, Madison.

I've got Jack here as well.

Ahoy, Jack.

Ahoy, boys, and the weasel.

How are we?

Very good.

How old are you?

Very good, Jack.

I'm 22, so I feel like I might have an other hand, but I don't want to speak too early.

Yeah, well, I think let you have another hand.

But it's also because you're a bit of a creep hanging out with four years.

Yeah, it's also a strange,

strange dynamic to just be the 22-year-old guy nodding along,

having two

14-year-old girls chat as best friends.

But

that's the playing field for us today, Jack.

We wish you both the best of luck.

It's going to be tough for Ando and I to judge, too, because

I think we'll know if someone has just got in there appropriately and confidently.

Yeah.

We'll put Jack on hold.

Madison, are you ready to go?

Appropriately and confidently, I am.

Okay, great.

We'll hit the opener and then it'll be all over to you after this.

Jenna Alpha Edition Slay.

Okay, Madison.

Good luck, Madison.

The conversation starts now.

I've got tea to spill.

Oh my God, tell me, tell me.

Okay, so this guy risked me up in art.

Is he giving 6'7 or 41?

Definitely 6'7, bro.

He's so fine.

What's his name?

Pink Cardigan.

Are you kidding me?

He's the most chopped kid in the school, so giving 41.

Unknown status.

Go find new hus.

Girl, you're too good for him, Diva.

Bro, stop the glaze.

Trust me.

Actually, you know what?

I am too good for him.

Slay.

Slay!

That chi is piping hot.

It sounds like he's got rears, no cap.

He's pretty good as in the type of chat just as from a 29 year old woman on the side that's the part guys no cap and i mean not a skerrick of cap no you cannot find a piece of cap

uh what what does that translate to roughly madison Look, they were talking, yeah, look, lots of slang.

I was really channeling my youngest brother when he's talking to his girlfriend, to be honest.

Right.

And what did you say, though, if you were to translate what you said?

Mine was basically like, yeah, wow, amazing exciting news uh he sounds like he's got a lot of charisma and there's no joke about it yeah no taping okay i do get a little bit of this from my son am i translating for you guys is that absolutely translating yeah yeah no with it i got an 11 year old son so there's just a lot of sigma is flying around in the schoolyard so i'm across a little bit of that but that was great that i mean you came in confidently i would say you hit at least three three like good hot button words let me put madison on hold for a second?

What on Madison?

I like my just want to check on the judging here, Ham.

Yeah.

Are we judging like best mimicking?

Like

I could be a part of the conversation.

I think we are.

I mean, you got to chitchach hammer, you're trying to level with him.

That's the hardest part.

Yeah, but he's.

If you imagine it, like for Andy's saying, if you imagine it real life, if somebody almost pushing 30 came and sat next to you and said that,

that sounds like Red Brother's girl.

I'm not sure.

But you also have to,

I think the challenge is, can you like get, like, can you get on the level with a 14-year-old?

You can't just go that.

Well, you can't just go, I mean, if we were playing, would it be a pass if I just went, well, I've got no idea what you're talking about.

Do the dishes.

Well, that's what makes this complicated.

Yeah.

I think, I think, well, I just want to get a gauge of what you're doing.

I think we're gauging who can be on the level.

Great.

Well, Maddie's done a great job then.

We'll bring up Jack.

Jack, are you there?

Yeah, mate.

Madison has registered her her attempt.

Okay.

You will hear the conversation and at the end, do your best.

All right, copy that.

I've got tea to spill.

Oh my God, tell me, tell me.

Okay, so this guy risked me up in art.

Is he giving 6'7 or 41?

Definitely 6'7, bro.

He's so fine.

What's his name?

Pink Cardigan.

Are you kidding me?

He's the most chopped kid in the school, so giving 41.

Unknown status.

Go find new hus.

Girl, you're too good for him, D.Va.

bro stop the glaze trust me actually you know what I am too good for him

you know what personally I think if the Riz was good you got to give the chopped kid a chance because even though he might be chopped he could make up for it with his amazing personality and riz that's just my opinion but what do I know I'm just a silly little boy

Jack well done bring Madison back as well

that was pressure that was pressure.

You felt the pressure?

Yeah, because what 22-year-old guy will be talking about this to 14-year-old girls?

That was the tough part as well.

Gee, it's

extra points for Jack, including I'm just a silly, which, you know, I'm just not just a little boy, but a silly little boy.

I mean, it's tight.

They were both tough.

It's tight.

They were both actually really good.

I want to give it to Jack.

Yeah, I felt like it was more

sorry, Madison.

Yeah, but I feel like.

You had that weird, creepy condition, so it's fair.

Yeah.

Oh, I mean, he was completely hat backwards, chair turned around the other way, geography teacher trying to talk to the kids.

But at least he had a disclaimer at the end where he said, What do I know?

I think that was the part that got it for me.

Look, we're going to send you both a token of no value because,

hey, we've got heaps of them.

I'm real.

We're just going to lend with you.

Two scoops each.

I'm happy for that.

Thank you, guys.

Really appreciate it.

Thanks so much.

Thanks, guys.

I just asked Carly to go and grab a certain summer that works with us here, and his head just rolled back.

He's just like, oh, no.

Here we go.

Oh, yes, Darcy, because I have been working with his wife, and she often tells me things.

And then I go, gee, this can't be right.

Usually is.

We have to probe a bit further and put him under the microscope.

You're at the microscope right now.

A powerful microscope.

We're all going to be under a microscope.

You know what?

I think maybe it's time you put Darcy.

Under the microscope.

Welcome back in, Darth.

Thanks, guys.

Have you been on this?

No, I haven't.

Not since we got married.

He's escaped the microphone.

This music must just...

There's no fun for you coming in here.

No.

No one likes being under the microscope.

I have a fair idea of this one.

Really?

Would you like to self-confess?

Well, yes.

I was going to self-nominate this a couple of weeks ago just in our pre-show meeting because I thought it would eventually probably find its way onto this because it probably does deserve a bit of under the microscopy.

I'm hoping that we get a new one.

Yeah, of course, Andrew.

This is the oldest trick in the police book.

Well, your mates already told us what happened, so why don't you tell us in your own words?

Do you want to say what it involves?

Sure.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, this one was a bit of a

series of unfortunate events, mostly made by me.

I guess to go back to the start, we didn't have hot water for

two weeks, I think it was, in the house.

Wow.

So it had been about a week.

At this point, I was, it was nighttime.

I was out having some beers with a mate.

Jane was working working at the 100 and had just come home from a long, hard day at work.

And I was grueling, yeah, grueling day at work, a lot of, for what I understand, a um, meagre amount of remuneration from the boss,

all things considered.

So, he should be cranky, he should be cranky at the same time.

Our dog Ollie had,

yeah, what could only be described as explosive diarrhea.

And he had, uh, he had had a couple of accidents inside.

I'd gone home, cleaned it up, and then as I left, I thought, you know what?

I'll put on Jeff, the robot vacuum cleaner,

just to just to do the floor.

Got a call about four hours later from Jane saying, did you set Jeff off?

Yes, I had.

Yeah, because he's run through all his poo

and it's gone all over the house.

Can Jeff not see that?

I don't think so.

There's a problem with robots not having noses.

And as, yeah, from previous times on this, he's my responsibility.

So you can see the exact trail that Jeff.

It would be amazing, like a shot tracer.

Yeah, you get home to this perfectly calibrated smearing of just all across the lounge room.

Like, it's like, does he get into the corners?

Yeah, he gets into the corners.

Is it carpet or floorboard?

It's floorboards, luckily, luckily floorboards.

And the other thing as well, I guess, when you see this on,

you know, these videos online and stuff, what you don't realize is not only is he smearing it all over the floor, but he's sucking it up at the same time.

So

it was just an absolute mess.

So, yeah, then Jane was saying, do you think it was really a good idea to put him on once he, when he had an upset stomach?

And I guess probably not.

Then

this is great, Darcy.

This is fantastic.

Because the main misdemeanor,

I don't think you've brought up yet.

No, no, no.

This is the part where it's getting.

This is all still backstories.

Backstory is a little bit different.

What a week.

Because is this just painting the picture as to why tensions were a little frayed between a man that was enjoying beers and not giving too much thought to floor cleanliness and a woman working for a tyrant who just wanted to come home and have a warm shower and be able to stand somewhere that wasn't covered in shit

yeah and then yeah i got home and she's got the mop and like the it's middle of winter all the doors are open he stunk like it was it was not good she was not happy and just wanted to have a shower anyway so then i i

flipped jeff over got gloves on i was cleaning him out and i thought i need to superheat this stuff to really clean it and so i thought i can put his bits and pieces in the dishwasher because i

I mean, I would have had a, I would have thought similar.

Yeah.

So you can take out his like mouth and his stomach and all these things.

All right.

And so I put it on the top shelf.

And yeah, there were dishes in the dishwasher.

Then the next, then, then,

again,

again, you go, it's at 70 degrees.

Nothing survives.

Exactly.

So

that's the main contentious point from Jane.

Not just waiting for a cycle.

He's like, I'll get it on the top shelf in and amongst our food dishes.

Let's get it done now.

Let's get it done now.

Get that done.

And then the next, yeah, at work the next day, she got home from work and then she called me and she said, did you put Jeff's bits and pieces in the dishwasher?

And I was like, yes.

And she said, there were dishes.

I love that there were dishes in the middle.

You keep getting these calls.

He's in trapment.

Like, there's no one else that lives with you, right?

Except for the sick dog.

Because all of these calls seem like the only answer is yes.

But it's nice with a check.

Yeah.

And then when she said it, when she explained it over the phone, that's when you go, when you say it like that, it doesn't sound

great.

So, yeah, that's where that.

What did you do with the dishes?

You have to throw those out?

She'd unpacked all the dishes because the bits and pieces were on the top shelf.

Then she pulled out the top shelf, realized what had happened.

So then restacked the dishwasher with all of the other ones and put it on again.

Will one more wash do it?

I mean,

I understand where you're coming from, Dus, because you go, if you feel like we have to wash this in hot water, we don't actually have hot water available, apart from the kettle that you could have used a kettle

to go, I want to get this done now.

And there's, even though there's dishes in there, I'm not going to take a bunch of dirty dishes out of the dishwasher.

So you were really just trying to solve a problem as fast as you could, driven by guilt because you created the problem.

So

great self-reporting.

Thanks.

that's that's exactly what i needed to hear and i think jane gets just so you know gets a little bit of comfort when she can air her grievances to me and then everyone gets to hear them so um well done i was actually thinking about the tracking of the vacuum cleaner the other day because obviously i assume the robot does a very methodical grid and you would have been able to see that extremely like a poop smear yep i was thinking along the lines of upset andy i was like if we put a very accurate gps device on me and watched you'd be furious with the pattern I run when I vacuum Ando.

I was vacuuming.

I was like, I bet Andy, like, you know, back and forths and like perfectly, like mowing like a, and a golf green.

Like it's like manic, like it's a perfect precision back and forth.

And I completely go where the whim takes me.

I'm like a wandering

like in medieval times, you just go town to town, seeing if your services require.

I'm just wandering from table to kitchen and back again.

If I see some crumbs, they're toast, but I certainly don't do it methodically.

And

I

made,

you're going to roll your eyes a little bit, but I'm going to say it anyway.

I made a recurring resolution.

In terms of falling victim to the Instagram algorithm, which just absolutely pummels me.

I'm not sure if you're familiar with big wave surfing and what happens when a big wave surfer gets pinned to the ground and the waves pummel them and pummel them and they can't come up.

Sometimes they have to hold their breath for like three minutes.

Three minutes.

Yeah.

Like it's it's wild.

That's sometimes how I feel with the algorithm.

Dad's coming at you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I think that if I buy some things, they'll let up, which is like thinking if you take some sips of the ocean, you'll be able to drink your way out of it.

Because you find out there's much more of the ocean than there is of your capacity to drink it.

Well, we had a specialist on to explain the more you buy, the more they target you because they go, this guy thought I could drink my way out of the ocean.

So, what's the resolution?

No more impulse buys.

That's it.

Clamping it shut.

Yep.

We've just

got to change.

And I was having a great run.

A great run.

I had months clean

until I'm scrolling Instagram and I come across this.

I just got the new world's brightest flashlight.

And the old, former world's brightest flashlight has a hundred thousand lumens.

The new one, the MS32, has 200,000 lumens.

I'm honestly scared to try this out.

I won't even shine it in my house, but for you, I'm going to go in my backyard and test it out.

Come with me.

Shining these house.

Shine

Didn't you buy the world's brightest flashlight a while ago?

Yep.

I reckon a few iterations ago.

And I had the world's brightest torch, like handheld small one.

Yes.

I actually gave it to my son to take on camp because he needed a torch like at the start of this year.

And I was like, oh, mate.

And if he needed you, he could just shine it in the sky.

So I gave it to him.

I was like, mate, this would be great.

Thinking like, just you'll be the complete alpha dog with this power of torch.

And he came back from camp, and I was like, How was it?

You know, did you chop anyone in half with the power of like a lightsaber?

He's like, Nat ran out of batteries, like, really quickly.

Right, of course.

He had chews.

They're going to chew on the power.

I think he had, I think he had a powerful torch for, you know, flashlight tikki for like four minutes.

What I love, the thing that gets me with that ad, right?

And this is people who are susceptible to advertising will know this.

The statistics.

The old one has 100,000 lumens.

You'd think that's good.

The new one has 200,000 lumens.

Twice as many.

You can't even

shine it inside.

You can't shine it inside.

That's the part that gets me: is like, you don't need a torch that bright.

Like, how far away are the things you're looking for?

If you're going to shine it, close your eyes and it's so bright you'll be able to see normally through your eyelids.

However, that guy won't shine it inside.

I thought it was a cool thing to do on the the show.

Wow.

Do we?

Oh, you've brought it up.

Oh, you've already got it.

Do we

shine it inside?

Do we don't?

You don't be silly, man.

If you don't want to see it, face the other way.

I'll shoot it safely into the corner.

Should we turn off all the lights?

No, you don't need to.

Really?

It's so bright.

Okay, okay.

You ready?

Yeah.

Wait, is it on?

Yeah, can't you see it?

There we go.

And it's got a strobe effect, too.

I won't shine it at you.

It'll it'll kill you.

It's so normal.

We should have turned on.

You can't tell us.

Yeah, well, I'm just saying.

It actually doesn't.

Does it is it brighter?

Well, it's good.

Man, it's

not shine it straight at us.

I don't care.

No.

Put on you, though.

That's quite powerful because you're both inside and you look directly at the torch.

Shut in your own face.

That's all I can't see.

Oh,

I hear what's

close.

I felt that in the back of my head

as it went through my eyes and my eyelids.

Yeah, it reflected your brain onto the back of my hat's a bit warm.

Thanks for listening.

The Hamish and Andy podcast will return next week.

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