2025 Ep 311 - A Treat for the Platinum Poopers!

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One.

Ahoy to me, Sek.

Hamish.

Ooh.

Um, slang names for well-known positions around the office.

Posec, secretary, Janny, janitor.

No, it's not ahoy to my Janny, Jack.

It's

ahoy to my brute.

Ahoy.

Brute sec.

Oh, cups of wine, champagne.

Don't know who's good.

Gee, he's lost touch with the common man.

I wouldn't even know, Jack.

Cask or homemade?

The only two wines I know about.

And I am do.

Spelled D-O-U-X.

Yes, the champagne spectrum of dryness levels.

I actually didn't even know what it is.

The Dew is the sweetest type of champagne.

It's very sweet.

Highest amount of sugar as well.

The sec being medium-dry, off-dry,

and the brute, very dry.

That's me.

Ahoy also to Meg, who went to Hamishanny.com to let us know what she's been up to.

Ahoy boys, I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant with a little baby boy.

When we were giving my mother-in-law some clues as to what we're going to name him, we said it's a six-letter name and it's the same name as a famous Australian comedian.

She came back very confidently with the name Andrew,

and we had to let her know that we're actually naming him Hamish.

So,

commiserations, Andy, on the IN, inferior name, and congratulations, Dame, on the SN.

Keep it up, boys.

Really love the show.

Brutal loss.

Welcome to the gang little home.

Can't wait to have you here.

Guys, obviously,

Song Sleuth is part of the show.

A lot of people send them in and where we kind of put a musician or a performing artist under the hot lamp to say, hey, has this been too heavily inspired?

It also happens with segments when people may have been too heavily inspired by our show and have gone on to create a segment of their own.

It's always an interesting question when you're dealing with IP, isn't it?

Now, I don't know what you're about to do here, but I come back to the same thing with Song Slith.

I go, look, there's only six strings on a guitar.

There's only, let's say, 10 spots you can hold the strings.

So that's 60 possible comments.

But yes, we get your.

You know, at some point, the more we keep producing, we're going to start repeating some patterns.

So you go, was it obvious?

Was it going to be found anyway?

I sometimes think the earlier artists get a free kick.

I've said it before, and I'm not having a go at Pythagoras, but I think very easy, like triangle theorems.

Yes, you know, triangles have just been invented.

Like, we would have got there.

We would have got there.

Again, well done.

It's a very well-loved theorem.

Just things like that.

You get in early, you're going to have more of a chance.

But

radio segments, or podcast segments, or creative segments are a tough one because

there are some that would eventually be thought of, but then there are others that are quite odd.

Well, let's see how you guys feel about this.

We can jump into it.

This sounds like this, sounds like this, sounds like this.

this.

If this sounds like that, I'm your man.

Andy Lee, segment sleuth.

Sent in by alert listener Aaron, fell on my side of the fence, hey mishandy.com.

If you want to chat to us about anything, he said, hey, lads, particularly Andy,

you may want to have a look at this 9 honey website online article.

Oh, no.

The call's coming from within the building.

Andy, your show, The 100, is on Channel 9.

Yes.

And so, I mean,

so is Lego Masters.

So we do,

I think this shows that we are happy to push aside alliances.

Yep.

The big man can't pay us off.

We will bite the hand that feeds us happily.

Yeah.

If it's a funny bite.

It's for truth that needs to be told.

Yep.

This is the article.

Now, I've used AI

to do the article.

Right.

So they're reading it out verbatim.

You don't want to just read it?

This is the article.

Whispers around town are that queensland crumpets are different from the other states with some claiming that they're thicker fluffier and better so we decided to test this theory with a crumpet battle of our own a nine honey taste test

just because your title has the word honey in it does not mean you own all crumpet related material

Now whispers around town.

Playing our podcast low doesn't count as a whisper.

i heard a whisper i heard a whisper hey could you just whisper what's on this paper to me and then i'm gonna do an article about it so all we want is credit because the thing is i wasn't coming out going hey i've just been i've come up with this idea this was written in this was given to us by a listener we've got the guts to call a list

we don't call them whisperers we call them listeners well as with every segment sleuth you play a bit of the segment and then you have to try and compare to what we did to see if there are similar tones coming through let's have a listen.

Whispers around town are that Queensland crumpets are different from the other states.

People from Melbourne and Sydney have noticed that when you go to Queensland, the crumpets are fluffier.

Wow.

That's very similar.

That does sound like a similar bass and treble.

With some claiming that they're thicker, fluffier, and better.

They're fluffy, they're thick, they're incredible.

The lyrics really line up on this song, don't they?

So we decided to test this theory with a crumpet battle of our own, a nine-honey taste test.

I thought the only thing to do is we have a test and we do a blind tasting to see which one is the fluffiest.

Great.

I mean, if you rearrange the words of a sentence and the sentence still makes sense,

it's not in ID book.

No, exactly.

Another one.

As soon as we held both packets in our hands, it was clear we were onto something.

Were you?

And I can already tell from the look, we've got four warm crumpets in front of me.

I even feel like number two seems fluffier.

I mean, guys, that's the stuff I do.

I do first impressions of crumpets.

I'm the guy that notices the fluffiness of crumpets without tasting.

I've always been that guy.

You can't just come in and go, we're all so good at noticing the fluffiness of crumpets without tasting.

Okay.

Exactly.

So it's cut and dry for me.

Sorry, Channel 9, if this means the 100 can't continue.

I'll stand by it.

Yep.

Andy Lee turfed out after exposing huge racket podcast repurposing racket um yeah look i unfortunately think that is that guilty that's that's guilty that it was a whisper that has turned into the cries of foul foul foul on nine honey's part

well well well um we try as we might we can never get away from compiling the ultimate list of things in this chaotic world And that's the way the world is, Jacko.

It's chaotic.

And

disorder is only increasing.

But it's one man standing with both hands against the exploding cupboard of mess that is planet Earth going, no, I demand order.

That is Ando.

Let's see if we can upset him.

Everything is neat and practical

because that's the way he likes it.

But what if it wasn't?

Upset Andy.

Aim before we jump.

I was going to say a lot of people have been sending us fruit bowls to fruit bowls.

Yeah.

Fruit bulb pile.

Few people think it has to be in the fruit bowl.

No, maybe I wasn't clear when we did this on air.

Quite often, if you have a

depending on the lip of the bowl, quite often the fruit bowl pile likes to accumulate underneath the shade of the fruit pile,

camping under there.

Yeah, these are bits and bobs that don't have a home, so I'd go in the fruit bowl.

Yes.

Yes, one roll of undeveloped film from a party two years ago that you must get around to develop.

Things like that.

It was interesting seeing the photos of some people who had fruit and the junk in the same bowl.

In the same bowl.

Yeah, I'd leave

surprisingly neat.

I feel like you'd appreciate my fruit bowl pile, Ando.

The fruit is in the fruit bowl.

Occasionally a magnet or something finds its way in there.

But mostly

our fruit bowl pile camps under the rim.

Well, our shout mate Eddie, who lives in the States, sent us a live update of his fruit bowl.

And so I went across to mine and I saw Beck's sunglasses amongst the fruit.

And I thought, how the hell did they get there?

Gravitational pull.

But other than that, it was a fruit-only bowl.

No, no, that's how it begins.

That's a gateway item.

If you were driving around with me at any time in the last couple of weeks,

say if we're on a road trip at the moment in my car,

it would be doing your head in for a number of reasons, but this would be the key one.

Every morning I get in the car and there's an alarm that says coolant level low.

And I go, yep, fine.

I have to press a button to clear that.

Then it goes higher pressure low.

No worries.

Still within acceptable range.

It's only yellow.

It's not red.

I have to press that.

It goes, update not completed last night.

Yep, that's fine.

There's never updates.

I don't know why.

That's just never has.

Never will.

So I have to clear three error messages.

And then it goes, emergency braking

not available at the moment.

I go, nope, that's fine.

I just get in and I have a raft of error messages.

But I look and I go, well, you keep telling me the coolant level's low, yet the little thermometer gauge is always bang in the middle.

So you seem to be handling it.

But you don't have to wait until it's dire situation.

Well, it's obviously not a problem.

So you obviously can handle it.

This is what I'm trying to tell the kids all the time.

You're actually capable of more than you think.

So you don't have to come to me and complain that your coolant level's low because I actually believe in you that you're a car that can maintain its temperature.

Because we went on a 100-kilometer drive on the weekend and you never moved over the middle.

So you're fine.

There is a direct contrast to what's happening at my car at the moment because there is, I got one yesterday afternoon, an error message,

which was the SOS calls not connected.

So my car is if you're in an accident, there's a button you can press that will call emergency services.

Really?

That's cool.

Nice.

And

like an elevator.

Yeah,

I suppose.

The thing is, there's no button to clear or anything, so it sits there.

So I have booked in to go into

the service to get this one, even though it doesn't affect the driving of the car.

But I just don't like having the SOS calls not.

If we swapped cars for a while, how long would it take you seeing my error messages before you did something about my car?

Within 24 hours.

I wouldn't actually have it finished, but I would definitely have booked something within 24 hours.

Yeah, we have a little car swap.

A little friendly car swap.

So many upset Andy's coming in.

Jack, did you say you had one?

Oh, this is a quick one.

Would this upset you?

When I do the laundry, we take it in turns.

When it's my turn, I dump it on the lounge room couch, which is not odd.

But instead of packing it away and folding it in the moment, I'll just like anytime I'm going past the living room, I'll take a few items off the top and go and put them in the drawer.

And then next time I'm passing by, I'll get a few more items.

Beck does this.

But you're busy, Jack.

Yeah.

It actually means you dedicate no time to it because you're picking it up as a task on your way to other things around the house.

But what about folding it?

No, well, you can fold it on the walk.

Should you choose to do it?

Which I don't choose, but you could if you choose to play like the Hill Starring.

I choose not to fold.

All right, here we go.

Ando, so many coming in.

Ahoy to you, Emily.

Ahoy and gusto to all.

Gusto to you.

Gusto back to you, Emily.

What have you got to upset, Andy?

Another laundry-related one, courtesy of my very wonderful fast and loose husband, who is a beautiful hands-on dad to our small children.

You know, little kids, when they're sick, vomit can kind of strike out of nowhere.

It always seems to be in the middle of the night.

You just want to get everyone back to bed as quick as possible.

So his

approach is to, you know, get rid of those vomit sheets, bundle them all up, no time to rinse off the chunks, straight in the washing machine.

So the next day, whoever has the pleasure of hanging out that load of washing will find that the vomit chunks do remain.

But now they're clean.

They're clean.

Absolutely.

I mean, it is was, it was food once.

Once upon a time, we were celebrating those chunks.

Welcome in the kitchen.

We had them on the bench top.

They were carrot.

They were peas.

No, no.

They were friends of the family.

Now,

what crime have they committed apart from being eaten for a while and then reproduced?

Can you confirm to me that you will wash that again, though?

Yes.

The first time I was a bit flawed, wasn't sure what to do.

Ended up letting it dry so I could kind of shake it off and then put it through again.

That's what Taylor Swift meant.

That's about dealing with sick kids.

Okay, well, I mean, no crime as far as I can see there for the husband.

Hagen joins us all the way from the U.S.

Ahoy to you, Hagen.

Ahoy, fellas.

How are y'all doing?

Oh, great.

Where about the US are you, Hagen?

So I'm in Florida.

I'm in school in Florida, but I'm from Tennessee.

Right.

That's in

the old Tennessee.

Mr.

Ralph territory, isn't it, down there?

It is his homeground.

I personally have never heard of the guy.

Yoga, nice.

He's playing with me.

I feel like you're acting, and that's good, because that's the deal.

Hagen, what have you got?

What have you got to upset, Andrew?

All right.

So at my house, there happens to only be one handle on the bathroom door.

To enter the bathroom, you turn the handle and pull the door handle out, and then you go in and you can pull it shut with the hole, do your business get everything over with but then to get out you have to reinsert it on the other side and you can get out backwards yeah

but if you're forgetting to bring the door handle in you're just you're just there until someone else gets home

and what an exciting game to add to the process

it's brilliant yeah it's pretty fun and if someone's new to the house sometimes you just you don't tell them about the game yeah and they get to find out the fun way hey it's fun i i think it's like i don't know if you guys have this in America, but in parks, like in public parks, there are those taps that don't have a turner on it.

You have to be from the council with the special key to put it in and turn the tab on.

It's just like having one of the

special park keys.

Yeah, just like that.

It doesn't upset me

because I like the thrill of it, but I also like the efficiency.

Say if you're having a party or people around, people know it's occupied.

There is zero chance of you getting walked in on, which would provide a lot of people with some comfort.

A pro move if you worked at a hardware store yeah if you worked in a place where you had access to handles or knobs would be to bring your own and

to really shock someone when they're in the bathroom to put it in the outside turn the handle and come in and go just so you know mate i i bought my own knob so great fun thanks hag jason you got something for upsend me uh ahoy amish andy number six uh about six oh well over six months ago i got myself a brand new pair of shoes lovely factory out factory outlet of course because in touch yeah of course.

No crimes will be brought to you for losing touch, for wanting to have something between your bare feet and the asphalt.

Anyway, got them home, bore them for the first time and found something interesting about them.

My left shoe was laced up going inside out through the holes and the right shoe was laced up going outside in through the holes.

Had every intention of

getting that fixed one day, but decided, you know what?

No.

Can't be bothered.

No time for that.

Just run with it.

Jason, I i hate this one you would unlace you would absolutely unlace a whole whole shoe i would unlace that whole shoe absolutely yeah

it works the same way it ties up

little holes and i prefer outside to in

what would happen all right what if you had uneven lace shoes beck saw them oh andy's not going to like that um you know better do the right thing and she relaced them but had both of them now matching but your unpreferred way i'd be fine with that i can deal with that that's not going to trigger me across um but yeah i mean those anything like i lost the drawstring in my running shorts the other day yeah i spent ages trying to get that back i know a lot of people just go well it's gone forever you know how it's yeah yeah i know it gets sucked in but nah i can't i can't i soon

get it back out it's it's a it's a long process of just trying to to work it back up sometimes you manage

it yeah sometimes you use paperclip anyway uh i was gonna say could you i would my first instinct goes to get a coat hanger undo that send it through push it through.

Push it through, oh, the whole way.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, reverse red.

Get a bit of pressure from the back.

This one had, I don't know what we're talking about.

We have quickly turned into an AM radio life acts show.

This one had a, at the back of it,

a sewn bit that secured the lace.

Allegedly.

So you couldn't go all the way around.

You couldn't do a lap of the kink in the tunnel.

Kink in the tunnel.

Okay.

Sorry, Mickey.

Mickey,

Aloyda, do you have something to upset, Andy?

Ohoy, gents, I certainly do.

I think I might have a good one as well.

So

every morning for a while now,

I've had yogurt and granola for breakfast.

Now, previously, I used to buy individual tubs.

I think that might be 75 mil or something like that.

But with a current cost of living crisis, I have now opted to buy the larger tubs.

I think they might be a litre or something along those lines.

Now, what I do is I whack the lid off, I throw in my granola, and then I'll just eat down until I'm satisfied.

Chuck the lid back on, chug it back in the fridge, and then repeat for the next day.

Will you?

Absolutely no problem with that.

Will you, there's one thing that would trigger me more.

I mean, I don't love it, but there's one thing that would worry me.

Do you eat out all the granola to get to just clean yogurt again?

Yep.

Yeah, where's the fresh layer of the yogurt?

That's it.

I'm done.

Next day.

No one would know what you're up to again.

Nobody's going to know.

And not only it's economical it's cost saving it saves a bowl

it saves it saves so much do you live with anyone else mickey yeah uh my wife and my daughter um they're they're unbeknown to my uh to my doing okay

i have a problem with that part of it but otherwise

it's so family germs as they say family germs and even i and i've i mean i know people that will do a similar thing and i'll have a real like i just they'll just do one big dig in the yogurt with almost a salad spoon.

I've done this before.

Yeah, it sounds like you're doing it.

And the argument there is to go, well, no germs were transferred.

Now I eat the tennis ball-sized yogurt lump off the salad spoon.

Zoe did catch me eating yogurt with a salad server.

She's like, what are you doing?

I said, to be honest.

The base of this spoon looks like all the others.

You know, we've got a silver one or like a stainless steel one.

Looks like all the others.

It's not until you pull it out.

Do you realize it's it's a giant spoon yeah and i was eating with that i was eating yogurt with that and she's like what are you eating with that giant spoon for i said the base looks like the others by the time i got it out i don't have time

to do it i don't have time to go back and find the appropriate spoon i know i can make this work forward momentum only

oscar wrap this up for us ahoy to you mate ahoy gentlemen spip and number six my

brother has purchased a new tv about about 18 months ago.

What's up?

He has refused to turn a knife on big one, Samsung, must be nice.

Dad would hate it.

Yeah.

But he refuses to turn the audience setting off.

And I know you've got the Tallest Terrier, but he has got the Loudest Australian Shepherd and two under two.

So when the full ensemble gets going and the TV starts matching the audience, you can imagine it's pretty chaotic.

What happened?

Is there a setting on the TV where if it's loud,

then the TV gets louder.

It gets louder.

Yeah.

oh wow

we might have that on our tv but i don't know about it because we're always riding the volume on our tv maybe it's responded i might have learned something here so he just has that on and when the dog so is it you say when the dog barks then the tv like explodes the dog barks the baby cries you know tv goes it's pretty gets exploded

that's what you need when you're a family that's got a baby and a dog barking is the tv to go i think i know how to help this situation i'll get louder too, just to add maximum anxiety to that.

I'd be adjusting that as well, Oscar.

Thanks, Mark.

That's good, Oscar.

Thank you, Daniel.

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Have either of you ever thought about being the prime minister

no no way but that means you've thought about it like have you thought about no you just saying it now it shocks it's like saying have you ever thought about asking a doctor to transplant an elephant's trunk onto your face

and it's just so wobbly like yeah it wouldn't hasn't crossed my mind if you had to run for something

Because

I've thought, I'm the same as you.

I'm like, prime minister, too hard, too much work, too much responsibility, too much critical feedback.

Exactly.

Oh my God, everyone's just snip, snip, snipping at you.

Yeah.

And all your decisions are so big and high, and there's a long chain to filter them down that you don't end up even getting the credit for them.

And at the end of the day, some people like it, some people won't.

That's right.

You do one good thing and everyone's like, oh, yeah, but you haven't done

fixed my road things.

I know it's getting harder and harder in society.

Why would you stick your head up like that?

I think I'd prefer to be a local counselor because because I reckon you could get praise.

I think if I had to choose one of the two.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think like being a local counsellor.

Well, I suppose the smaller the scope becomes, the more likely it is you can have an impact.

Yes.

You can do something simple like change the fortnightly recycle to once a week and people are like, oh, and you vote him and again.

Well, I've got two.

I've got two things that I want to bring in.

Because I'm thinking like you can change your own house.

Like that's you could be you could be the head of your house.

Yeah.

That's about where I go.

after them, Dog.

Yeah, no,

I'm little boss.

Zoe's big boss.

She's out.

I'm allowed to, I'm big boss.

Yep.

So I know what it's like to be acting, the acting president of the house.

Well, let's consider this our first council meeting.

And you would actually be a great.

There's no, I'm not ruling out Andy Lee for mayor or council member at all in your career.

A Lord Mayor?

You would sued a Lord Mayor.

I thought you were definitely going to.

Yeah, no, that was ceremonial.

That's,

I think you're going to be able to do that.

You have to to like, you know, like they go, oh, it's the 70th anniversary of

dancing ladies.

Yeah.

And you go, oh, I'll go there and you watch them dance around.

And you have to pretend to like it.

It is a full-time job.

Like Lord Mayor is a full-time job.

I don't think that's what you're after.

I think you, and this, you know, correct me if I'm wrong here, but knowing you as I have for a very long time.

Would it be false of me to say at one stage it crossed your mind to be like, oh, it'd be fun to be the president of a football club.

And then you realize how much work was involved.

Like, okay, no, no.

I thought thought it was more of a turn up on game day, and everyone loves you.

You pop your head in and go, how we all going?

Everything good?

Yeah.

And everyone thumbs up to you, and you go, yeah, good.

So you liked that when it was more of a just a check-in, take all the credit roles.

Yes.

But I don't think you realized, oh my God, it's a full-time job.

No, it's out.

But I think you like counseling because of the.

part-time aspect.

How much, how many days per fortnight would you be willing to commit to the counselor?

Two.

I think it's more.

I do think when you're a counselor, there's no look how quickly we work

but i think that could be your platform listen i'm going to give you two hot days of fortnight exactly and i won't charge for the rest

i think yeah that would be appealing to people that would be good because you the council is a black hole you submit anything you're like oh we'll never know when we hear back but if you knew and he's like i'll give you an answer every second tuesday and honestly i would i would front up to the campaigns and be like listen he will he will yeah he won't he won't do it either you'll get one he's going to be quick and blunt and

but you'll have your answer.

Here's my two mandates: if we're at a council meeting now, and you guys can workshop them with me because I think they're really.

So fortunate that it's one of you one days a week.

First one,

in public parks, especially multi-level parks, should be mandated.

Oh, car parks.

Car parks.

Car parks.

Yeah.

Car parks.

What suburbs are you?

A three-story footy field.

No multi-level car parks.

Yep, yep.

It should be mandated that small cars have to park, leaving space at the front of the park, showing that their bum is

at the back.

Oh, you can't hide your car.

You can't hide.

That's the worst.

That's so annoying for when

you're not in my council.

So you can get a parking fine for going too deep in a Nissan micro.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So

no deep micros.

Prejudice against small cars.

Smart cars would hate me, but again, you can't.

You know, if they just play by the rules.

Yep.

Use the park.

Just make sure your bum's hanging out.

Not hanging out, but just on the line with everybody else.

Let us see it.

Let us see it.

Let's see it.

Second one.

Parking officers aren't allowed

to find you

if there's a spare spot in front of you and behind you.

Oh, so what you're going for, it's not a busy officer.

You could have moved.

You could have moved.

Yeah.

Because the thing is, I mean, they...

I thought you were going to say parking officers aren't allowed to find you in the same spot on consecutive days because it's kind of poor sportsmanship.

This happened to me.

Oh, yeah, I've already got to find them.

This happened to me the other day.

I've had this shoulder issue and I've had to be going to the physio.

And of course, you know me, I play the game.

I don't often, well, I don't pay for parking because I play the game.

Do I?

And the thing about playing the game is you obviously you get free parking and that's fine, but you must also admit you're playing the game and you must die by the sword as well.

Sometimes you get expensive parking.

I got given, I got hit and it's about 110.

I'm like, oh, God, well, it's been a while.

Haven't been caught for a while.

The next day I had to come back to the physio and got again in the same spot.

I went, okay,

that is, feels like it's cheating from you guys.

That's just poor form.

That's just not sportsmanship.

Does it make you because I've had that before where I've been done twice in a week and it's made me not want to play the game as much?

Are you still...

No, no, I won't bend it.

It makes me, it makes me want to park illegally even more.

Illegally.

You now got to get you earn your money back.

If I was a parking checker, I would just follow.

I know I'm a whale.

I'm a whale.

I'm basically, I'm like when they flew like billionaires in from Singapore to gamble.

Yeah.

Well, my point is if there's a park, so they say, councils say there is paid parking to increase flow of parking so everybody can go and get the spot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If it is about increasing flow, if you've got a spare park in front and behind you, you shouldn't be able to get a fine.

I mean, I suppose.

And you know, you know, what would be nice too?

Because

what I think I'd, and again, I'm not running, but what I, one of my things I'd bring to counselors to go, we do all this infringing, so much infringing.

Like everything's a fine.

Everything's a notice.

Everything's an inspection.

We're trying to whip everyone with the stick to bring him back in line.

Let's have some carrots out there.

Let's throw some carrots.

What is wrong?

And this is actually a genuine question.

What is wrong with giving your parking officers a different machine that prints out nice notes and goes

five bucks or something?

I can give you a message.

It just goes, Hey, mate, you did overstay, but there's not many other places around.

And after all, the fines are for you know increasing traffic flow, so it's not a big deal.

And enjoy your day.

Could have got you, but we didn't.

You know, wouldn't that put a spring in people's step?

Yeah, that's kind of what I think it would.

And

an email came to my side of the fence that told a very, very special tale.

It was an email from a young woman called Shannon.

And

she and a friend of hers, Alicia, are big fans of the show.

And they've been listening for a very long time.

And Alicia made Shannon an incredible birthday present.

So back in the days when we first started talking about, or I first brought up the concept of a gone in 60 seconds,

which is a

situation where you're at a cafe and you say to your friends i'm just going for a wee

everyone wait here

and you go off and you're able to do

everyone waiting everyone waiting don't follow me you stickos

just stay here and enjoy the non-tilet parts of the cafe go and it's that thing you're like you don't want everyone going you know if you're there for five minutes everyone goes well he's doing a big poo so you go okay just off for a wee go to the toilet gotta move quick and it's not a comfortable thing it's not there's zero comfort involved and gone in 60 seconds, get through the door, you know, pants, boom, business, boom, wiping.

We all know the steps, but you've really got to choreograph, you've got to choreograph them as fast as you can.

Yes.

And get out, wash, bang, back to the table.

60 seconds, under 60 seconds ago, sorry about that.

We, where were we?

Yep.

Everyone just, no one's any the wiser because they know you could not have done a poo in that time.

Now, Shannon and Alicia were into it.

They're like, we're going to practice them.

A lot of people are.

A lot of people are.

And a lot of people practice them.

And I love that.

And And I, if you remember, way back in the day, said a couple of times, we had some instructional tapes on how to do them.

And they were a big hit.

People enjoyed listening to the instructions and, you know, getting in the mindset, conquering the physical and mental challenges that are gifts are gone in 60 seconds presents you.

Have you ever covered?

Sorry, Ham, I know you're getting sorry.

Have you ever covered if there is a weight for the toilet, like how that's factored in?

I would say in that.

You're allowed to come back and go, sorry, there was a cue.

Your cover's blown almost in that case.

If you get there and there's a way, I go back to the table and I go, sorry, every toilet's been cleaned.

Yep.

Why don't I just tell the truth?

It depends if you're a man or a woman.

If you are a boy and you go, yeah, there's no spots at the urinal, I go, well, why don't you just wait?

But if it's a single toilet or a unisex toilet, yeah, it's just

cute.

It's pretty weird for a bloke to come back and go, there's just absolutely no room at the urinals.

And I couldn't

imagine a situation.

I couldn't play with just like a single cafe, but I guess usually just one toilet.

Yeah.

Anyway, so, but again, yeah, good one.

You have to adapt on the fly.

Anyway,

so Shannon's birthday comes around.

Alicia presents her with an incredible present.

Alicia has tracked and logged and made a spreadsheet of all her bowel movements.

What?

Times, times, dates, notes, categories like urge to go.

go, and I believe it's out of five.

So a rating out of five, need need to go, the door, door open to flush time, the return time, the time of the day.

So the total from table to

back to the table time.

She's trying to guess with every bowel movement.

That's the only way you get better, Jack.

Only way you get better.

Are there any trends?

She gets faster and she puts in some amazing performances, some amazing performances.

Anyway, look, Shannon sent this to us to go.

I just think you guys need to know about what's going on out there, what Alicia's done.

But does Alicia?

We've got Alicia up.

Oh, really?

We've got Alicia online because it's Alicia's birthday coming up.

Alicia,

ahoy.

And maximum gusto to you.

Ahoy, guys.

Alicia.

Is this a present?

Like, you know, you've just shared something with your friend.

Are you unaware that that's what Amish was doing right now?

I look, when Carly messaged me asking if I could get on the phone with you guys,

I thought this could be the case because Shannon messaged me not long ago and asked for the spreadsheet.

What she doesn't seem to have mentioned is I actually did a PowerPoint of this.

for her birthday and made a couple of our friends sit down and go through all the graphs with me.

The data's fascinating.

And yeah, I've only got the spreadsheet itself here, which is all the days, like months and months and and months of data.

Like, did you have coffee?

Did you have food?

Coffee obviously correlates with a good time.

Would I be right in saying that?

That just seems to be like from looking at the raw data, is that what the graphs had?

Yeah, look, coffee definitely helped.

We also put in after grog bobs as well.

So

they impacted the time a little bit.

In a negative sense?

In a negative sense, a little bit longer.

Need to go seems to be one to five.

Is five the highest urge to go?

Five, yeah, five is I'm about to poo my pants,

which fascinated me because one of your five times

was a 211

table to table with a 124 toilet to flush, which is some of your longer times.

Really?

Yeah, so what's going on there?

That's the fascinating thing about this.

You had had coffee, it was not an after-grog bog.

Were you surprised by any of the data that came out?

From memory,

I hadn't gone number two in a while and had literally gone for a walk in the morning with my housemate, got home and she jumped straight in the shower.

And she takes the world's longest showers.

So I was pretty much just sitting at my desk, like hot sweat, dying.

So the toilet's in the shower area, the same bathroom.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Same bathroom, waiting for her to get out.

and i think just the stress of it you know really that's pretty lost in my job this is why you got to keep the truth you you missed your window andy and i talk about it all the time um this could be just while we're all being really honest we talk about it all the time if you get an urge to go that's your window yeah if you miss that urge it can subsidise it can it subsides and your body reabsorbs and that could be hours before you get the urge again we've all had that feeling where it's like you know it's lunchtime or whatever and you go but i but i had the urge i had the urge hours ago.

So let's just get back to there, but you can't, you can't recapture the urge.

From looking at my graph too, I'm pretty sure in the whole time I was recording these stats, there was only four that were not a gone in 60 seconds.

That is just

you, and that's really what I wanted.

Yeah.

It's what I wanted to talk to you about, Alicia, because

as someone that's sort of, I guess,

one of the arbitrators of the movement, The Gone in 60 Seconds, I looked at this and I thought, the game has changed so much since

we started this.

Now,

Shannon obviously appreciated what you did for her as

a present.

And I, and she asked us, can we do something special for you for your birthday?

which is coming up in a couple of weeks.

And so I've been thinking about this for a little while, and it seems like the perfect time to do this.

I have

recorded a new series of

The Gone in 60 Seconds instructional tapes for someone like you who is clearly elite and is not mucking around and is not doing this for fun.

They are doing this to get better.

They are doing this to be the very best.

That's why, if everyone else has listened to the first couple of sets of tapes and they feel like they're getting better and better and better and they wonder, where can I go from here?

Especially for you, Alicia, we have got a brand new series of Gone in 60 Seconds tapes coming out.

Hello and congratulations on attaining platinum pooping status as you ready yourself to attempt a GITS, a gone in 30 seconds, and then a GITS, gone in 20 seconds, or for the select 1% of the 1%,

a GITS, gone in 10 seconds.

Beware, the techniques required for this elite level require training, and skipping this training can result in premature poop in your pants or the feared complete rectal explosion.

Across the next 75 training exercises, we will deeply

Module 18.

Truly fearsome power.

To expel your business in sub-30, 20, or God willing, 10 seconds, you are now entering the realm of far more than responding to a normal, simple bowel contraction.

You will need to build up a truly fearsome level of power through fecal pressure and attempt to control it in a very small cubicle in a very small time window.

Big wave surfer Laird Hamilton once said, If you don't have respect for a wave, it's only a matter of time before the ocean teaches you to get some.

The same holds true for the ride you'll experience in a GITS.

Laird is also unofficially quoted as saying, I've never felt anything like trying to poop Sub-15.

It was like sitting on a rocket launcher whilst trying to do a thousand-piece puzzle.

My wife said she heard me screaming, but honestly, all I heard was a pan flute.

I was in

the

Module 44, no sit pooping.

Trajectory, power, distance control, accuracy.

These are things you never have to consider with the luxury of sitting down to poop.

But with a gone in 20 seconds, you simply have no time to sit and will have to launch your brown bomb from a semi-squat position or for a gone in 10 seconds, completely standing, with a powerful flexion of the pelvic floor resulting in the launching of a Pooh's missile that that arcs gracefully towards the bowl.

And by the time it lands, you've wiped and are buckling up.

Eating a lot of olive oil in the morning of the attempt will help lubricate your insides for the smooth transition you'll need, whilst also packing your diet with fibre will give the projectile the shape required to sail through the air.

Module 76, Bonus Module.

Before we conclude, it's worth mentioning the GIOS, the gone in one second.

While scientists believe it's still purely theoretical, there are rumors of an ancient sect of Shaolin monks who were reputed to have pursued and successfully achieved a GIOS.

Bruce Lee was said to have been able to punch so fast, a film camera was unable to capture him, his punch being between the 1 24th of a second frame time.

It's this kind of speed the gone in one second monks practiced executing, and ancient scrolls show their method of fly-kicking the toilet door open, spinning, depantsing, upright pooping from outside the room with fearsome accuracy, and repancing all in the time it took for the door to bang open and bang closed.

Gone in one second.

Who knows if we'll see a modern GIOS in our lifetime, but for now, aiming for the sub-30, 20 and 10 marks should provide you with enough power pooping to keep you striving to be better and give you a deep purpose in life so you can obtain the ultimate compliment from your friends when returning to your table.

Wow, that seems short, even for a Wii, Wii, and there's no way a turb happened in that time.

Enjoy that feeling, Power Pooper.

You've earned it.

Wow.

Wow.

Incredible, Alicia, that you've inspired that.

That is what you can aim for, Alicia.

Don't think you need to.

My point is the purpose of it was already achieved with just people thinking you're having a wee.

No one needs you to run back.

Whilst now, Andy, now you'll be able to boom and perfectly close the circle imagine getting sorry guys i've got to do a we sitting back down and going ah they were closed for cleaning but you did do a boob that you did because you did a gone in 20 seconds

jack they're closed for cleaning now because of what you did in there jack has a problem with his content i was looking across at jack this i just thought at some points it was very descriptive

they're instructional tapes jack cassettes are an audio medium you can't leave anything to chance did it paint a clear picture though?

That do you know what I mean with the shallow envelope?

I got the door kicking open very, very visual.

And how they would have had to go while the leg was still up as they were like returning.

Happy birthday, Alexa.

Thanks so much.

Happy birthday, mate.

Guys, cheers.

Thanks for listening.

The Hamish and Andy podcast will return next week.

Catch up or contribute at Hamishandandy.com.